Keith at the Controls Keith Richards' Lost Weekend

This programme contains very strong language.

This is a bootleg television wake-up call.

Do not adjust your set.

Repeat, do not adjust your set.

Normal service will not be resumed.

Welcome to the permanent night shift.

Keith Richards at the controls, calling all night owls and hipsters.

This is a reality hacking incident.

For the next nine hours, you're invited to ride with me

through the night and out the other side.

A random night flight across uncharted airwaves.

Fasten your safety belts - the weekend starts here.

Ready Steady Go! I'm going to play it.

After all, we were virtually the house band on that show.

# Sitting in my bedroom late last night

# Got into bed and turned out the light

# Decided to call my baby on the telephone

# All I got was an engaged tone

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# Talking so long she upset my mind

# Why is she talking such a long time?

# Maybe she's sleeping Maybe she's ill

# Phone's disconnected, unpaid bill

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# Don't want to see her Afraid of what I'd find

# Tired of letting her upset me all the time

# Back into bed Started reading my books

# Take my phone right off of the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook

# It's off the hook. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I am the little red rooster

# Too lazy to crow for day

# I am the little red rooster

# Too lazy to crow for day

# Keep everything in the farmyard

# Upset in every way

# The dogs begin to bark

# Hounds begin to howl

# Dogs begin to bark

# Hounds begin to howl

# Watch out, strange cat people

# Little red rooster's on the prowl

# If you see my little red rooster

# Please drive him home

# If you see my little red rooster

# Please drive him home

# Ain't had no peace in the farmyard

# Since my little red rooster's been gone. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It happened so quickly

and it happened over a matter of, actually, six weeks

that the Rolling Stones became suddenly THE Rolling Stones.

And it happened to be on a tour and I'm working...

..with, like, heroes.

I'm working with Little Richard, Bo Diddley...

..the Everly Brothers and...

..I can't believe I'm on the same stage with these cats, you know?

And I'm still learning the game.

And I'm playing with...

..cats I've been listening to

and, like, trying to figure out them chords and their moves and the...

And they're so professional, you know?

And we'd just come out of the clubs.

We don't know what the hell we're doing and we're just banging away.

But over the six weeks of that tour, we suddenly became,

you know, the bee's knees...

..to the point where the Everly Brothers...

And the last show was at the Albert Hall

and the Everly Brothers said,

"Listen, you guys, you finish the show."

It was just the speed of the way it happened.

I'm sure, probably, the Beatles will tell you the same thing.

You know, the ones that are left. It's overwhelming, but...

..you've got another gig to do.

You're learning every day, you know?

You're learning this game and nobody's been there before,

so there's nobody to tell you, you know, "Oh, this is what you do."

Like, it's a phenomenon.

This is a little Stones special that we did for Ready Steady Go!.

Hello. Yes.

Well, the thing that I miss about Ready Steady Go!...

Stop screaming, boys.

..is the miming.

And we haven't had any miming competitions for a long time,

but here we've got a new lot from Leighton Buzzard,

who are going to do their best for you.

I Got You, Babe.

# They say we're young and we don't know

# We won't find out until we grow

# Well, I don't know if all that's true

# Cos you got me and, baby, I got you

# Babe

# I got you, babe

# I got you, babe

# They say our love won't pay the rent

# Before it's earned our money's all been spent

# I guess that's so We don't have a plot

# But at least I'm sure of all the things we've got

# Babe

# I got you, babe

# I got you, babe

# I got flowers

# In the spring

# I got you to wear my ring

# And when I'm sad, you're a clown

# And if I get scared you're always around

# Don't let them say your hair's too long

# Cos I don't care With you I can't go wrong

# Then put your little hand in mine

# There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

# Babe

# I got you, babe

# I got you, babe

# I got you to hold my hand

# I got you to understand

# I got you to walk with me

# I got you to talk with me

# I got you to kiss goodnight

# I got you to hold me tight

# I got you, I won't let go

# I got you to love me so

# Babe

# I got you, babe. #

# You may talk all about me

# And scandalise my name, oh, no

# But deep down inside me, baby

# I know I'm your only man

# So don't worry about me, baby

# Cos I'm right here at home

# Oh, baby, oh, baby

# We got a good thing going

# So maybe I knew her

# Once upon a time

# But that's all in the past, babe

# Baby, let me know you're mine All mine, all mine

# No matter how she wants me

# I'm not going nowhere, oh, no

# I'm gonna stick right here, baby

# I know how much you care

# So don't worry about me, baby

# Cos I'm right here at home

# Oh, baby, oh, baby

# We got a good thing going. #

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We are 18, and within a matter of months,

suddenly, you know, women are trying to tear your clothes off.

And in actual fact, they almost killed me a couple of times.

And also, killing themselves. They're jumping off of balconies.

I said, "This is not quite what I had in mind..."

GIRLS SCREAM

The only thing that you could hear, just shrieking teenage female...

And it's very impressive.

SHRIEKING

I can handle one at a time, you know?

But 3,000...

I'm still recovering, man.

It is really a mystery.

You never unlock this key.

If it wasn't for Charlie Watts, I wouldn't be here.

Without that beat, it wouldn't have worked.

It would have just been another rock and roll band.

What it does, of course, is, like, bonds guys together.

I mean, suddenly, you're just in this little bunch

and everybody's sort of going bananas over you.

You really rely on each other.

Mick and I and Charlie, especially, were, you know, tight.

Brian went very quickly off the handle.

But you've got to rely on each other a lot, you know?

MAN: Some of these motorists will be kicking themselves when they learn

they missed the chance of a lifetime of getting to know them.

And it's all ground-breaking stuff, boys.

Nobody's taken over a network before.

So we'll see how it flies.

EERIE ORGAN MUSIC

THUNDERCLAP

WOMAN SCREAMS

MAN LAUGHS EVILLY

WOMAN SCREAMS

THUNDERCLAP, SCREAMING

EVIL LAUGHTER

THUNDERCLAP

SCREAMING

EVIL LAUGHTER

THUNDERCLAP

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, through the medium of the animated cartoon,

we present a murder mystery

condensed from authentic criminal records.

It is my sincere purpose

in exposing the brutal killer involved in this horrible case

to prove to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that crime does not pay.

Our story opens on a dark and stormy night...

THUNDERCLAP

EERIE ORGAN MUSIC

Hm, yay-yay yesssss.

If this picture is anything like the book,

I get bumped off.

Hm, why...this is terrible.

I can't die at 11:30.

HIS TEETH CHATTER

CLOCK CHIMES REPEATEDLY

At the sound of the gun,

it will be exactly 12 o'clock.

DOOR HINGES CREAK

LOUD BANGS

EERIE ORGAN MUSIC

KEITH LAUGHS

All right, everybody, stay where you are!

Don't nobody move!

LOUD THUMP

That goes for you, too, bub!

Now, let's not get nosy, bub.

BELL RINGS

OK, which one of you mugs bumped off the old boy?

Who done it?

TOGETHER: Oooooh, now, wouldn't you like to know?

One of you bums is guilty of shooting this guy!

I'm going to turn out the lights.

And when I turn them on,

I want to see the gun here on this table!

All right, cut out the funny stuff!

We'll try it again.

FRANTIC KNOCKING

I'll give you three to come out of there.

One, two, three...

Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20!

EVIL CACKLE

IT SHRIEKS

Ah, yes, quite a bunch of us, isn't it?

KNOCKING

Who's there?

A skeleton.

Red skeleton!

LOUD BANGING

GUN PANTS

LOUD BANGING

DEEP VOICE: Ooooooooh-oh-oh!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE BLOWS A NOTE

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Aaarrrgggghhh!

Phew.

Whoops, I'm sorry.

Listen, Doc, can't you read?

LOUD CRASH

Stick 'em up.

Reach for the ceiling.

GUN CLICKS

WOLF-WHISTLE

Peekaboo!

Now we'll see who done it!

I doed it!

HE SOBS

Humour is probably the last bit of grease you get

before you get insane, you know what I mean?

It's probably one of the most important things in human life,

is being able to take the piss out of something or have a laugh.

Like, without that, I mean, really, I can't imagine a life worth living.

It could be just your mates. I don't know. Everybody is a comedian.

And there's guys that can make you laugh

and you love them for it.

There's a little mouse...

a little mouse walking along the pavement in Piccadilly there.

And a woman frightened it.

And it stepped off the curb and got knocked down by a bus.

Picked himself up, went across the road and went into a music shop.

Said to the man behind the counter, "Do you sell mouse organs?"

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

And the man said, "That's funny... That's funny you should say that.

"We had a little mouse in here yesterday

"and she wanted mouse organs."

The little mouse said, "I know who that was. That was our Monica."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Max Miller is still one of my faves.

Like, "Listen, listen."

He got banned in loads of places, just like me.

PAINO MUSIC

HE CACKLES

Tommy Cooper. You know, I mean...

The Goons.

"You can't get the wood, you know?"

The Pythons.

This is an ex-parrot.

Hancock. You must be joking!

Probably the first comedian that knew how to work TV.

Him and Sid James together, it was a must-see every week, you know?

BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in...

..Hancock's Half Hour.

APPLAUSE

In your own words, in the events leading up to the apprehension

of the prisoner, John Harrison Peabody. Certainly.

I was on patrol car duty on the night of the 27th when we received

a radio message that the offices of the Hathaway Jewellery Company

had been burgled.

We proceeded at once to their premises in Brook Street.

As we pulled up outside the store, the criminal leapt from the door

carrying numerous articles of jewellery.

Items one to 37, m'lud.

We immediately gave chase.

After a brief struggle he was taken into custody

and charged with a felony.

Thank you very much. No further questions. Your witness.

Very well done, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Just like The Verdict Is Yours.

Inspector Jones, the prisoner made a statement when

he arrived at the police station, did he not? He did, sir.

Now, what did he say in that statement?

He said, "You've got the wrong bloke, guv.

"I was passing the shop when the burglar alarm went

"and this geezer rushed out and dropped the stuff.

"I was just about to go round to the police station with it

"when your lot arrived."

You were wearing plain clothes at the time, were you not?

Quite right, sir. Now, Inspector Jones,

what reason did the prisoner give for running away when you arrived?

He said he thought we were teddy boys.

LAUGHTER

Did you hear that? He said he thought they were teddy boys.

That's a smack in the eye! Oh, goodness gracious me!

GAVEL BANGS

Silence in court! I haven't laughed so much...

I'm surprised at the foreman of the jury setting such a bad example.

I thought at least he would show a little decorum.

Beg your pardon, Your Honour,

it's just that I thought it was rather amusing, that's all.

Just slipped out. I couldn't help it.

I mean, you had a little giggle yourself.

I did not have a little giggle! Yes, you did. I saw you.

Brought the end of your wig round to cover your mouth up!

Please be quiet. This is a very serious case.

It will shortly be your duty to judge this man.

Please show the necessary intelligence and restraint required

by the responsibility bestowed upon you.

You're not putting up with that. You're the foreman of the jury.

He shouldn't make you look a charlie in front of everybody.

Go on, tell him.

I beg to remind you, m'lud, that I am the foreman of the jury and,

as such, you shouldn't make me look a charlie in front of everybody!

LAUGHTER

Mr Foreman, I would remind you that I'm the judge in this courtroom and,

as such, I can replace you with somebody I regard as more competent.

Tell him he can't talk to you like that.

My friend says you can't talk to me like that!

I'm not the slightest bit interested in what your friend says.

I'm fully aware of my powers in this court.

I know exactly what I can or I can't do.

I've been a judge now for over 20 years and, furthermore,

if you and your friend do not behave yourselves

in a manner befitting members of the jury, I will have you both

turned out of this courtroom and charged with contempt.

Tell him you'd like to see him try. I'd like... YOU tell him!

LAUGHTER

You were going to say something? No, no, nothing at all, no, no, no.

May we continue? Yes, by all means. You carry on, mush.

Thank you. Please continue. Thank you, m'lud.

Exhibit number one, please.

Now those were the items of jewellery

found on the prisoner's person.

Those are the same ones, sir. Thank you, Inspector Jones.

Perhaps the jury would like to see them.

The jury have already seem them once

and, as we're pressed for time, I don't think we need see them again.

How do we know it's the ones we saw before?

Tell him we want to see them again.

How do we know they're the ones from before? We want to see them again.

I assure you they're the same ones you saw earlier.

He assures me they're the same ones we saw earlier.

That's up to us. We're the jury. That's up to us. We're the jury!

Ask him if he wants a fair trial or not.

Do you want a fair trial or not?

This IS a fair trial!

The prisoner's not complained.

With all due respect, m'lud, nobody's asked the poor blighter.

Don't you worry, mate, I'll see you get a fair trial.

There'll be no withholding evidence while I'm the foreman.

We are NOT withholding evidence.

No, well, what about another look at the exhibits, then?

Hands up anybody else who wants a butcher's at the evidence?

There you are. You're outvoted.

If that had been an election, you'd have lost your deposit there.

Very well, show the exhibits to the jury

and tell my wife I'll be a little late tonight.

Have you finished?

Time is pressing, and the rest of the jury want to examine it.

Please put it back on the tray.

Yes, of course.

LAUGHTER

Now what's wrong?

It's stuck, Your Honour. I can't get it off. Oh, no!

Why can't I have ordinary juries who do as I tell them like other judges?

Why does it always have to be me?

Pull it, man! I am pulling it, but it won't budge.

You got a bar of soap up there?

No, I haven't!

Oh, what a farce!

Very well, show it to the rest of the jury, then.

Try and get it off your finger.

Continue, Mr Pritchard. Thank you, m'lud.

I shall proceed with my final address to the jury. Very well.

M'lud, members of the jury,

it is the law of this land that in order to secure a conviction,

the prosecution must prove beyond any shadow of doubt

that the prisoner is guilty as charged.

Now this, I respectably beg to submit,

the prosecution has failed to do.

You must not...

Have you finished? I'm trying to get the ring off.

The defending counsel is talking to you. You must listen to the counsel.

Get the ring off afterwards.

Oh, very well, as long as I know where I stand.

Do you mind starting again, please?

Oh, really? Do I HAVE to?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Well, I was saying that the prosecution

has failed to prove its conviction

and that if you are in any doubt whatsoever

you are bound by law to find my client not guilty.

I'm sure that's fair enough. I don't mind going along with that.

May I ask a question, m'lud? Yes, what is it?

Have you got a bit of butter? I could have this off...

Keep quiet and sit still! You're making a mockery of this courtroom!

How you were ever elected foreman I shall never know.

That's not very nice, is it? Ask him how he got to be made a judge.

How did you get to be made a judge? That shook him!

Carry on, Mr Pritchard, and no more interruptions, please.

Thank you, m'lud. And so, members of the jury,

I submit that the evidence put forward by the prosecution

is not conclusive of guilt and I further submit that

no jury could be asked to convict on such flimsy grounds

and, with that fact established, I suggest that you have no alternative

but to find my client not guilty, that he be discharged from

this court a free man without a stain on his character.

THEY APPLAUD

Very good. That was an excellent speech, my good man. You'll go far.

Got a very engaging personality. Oh, thank you very much.

Right, next!

LAUGHTER

May I be permitted to decide on the procedure of this court

or perhaps you'd like to borrow my wig and take over?

If you've had enough, I don't mind. Sit down!

Mr Spooner, would you care to sum up for the prosecution?

Certainly, m'lud. Oh, I don't like him.

He's dead smarmy. "Certainly, m'lud."

Swipe me, here's a crawler for you.

I was very much impressed with my learned friend's appe-e-eal

for this man's innocence.

MIMICS HIM

I'd give him a kick up the wig.

LAUGHTER

Very moving, eloquent, sentimental, maudlin rubbish.

I object! It's not up to you to object or not to object.

Mind your own business.

Forgive me, Mr Spooner. Thank you, m'lud.

The facts are quite plain. This man was caught red-handed

outside the shop with the proceeds on him.

He was also identified by the night-watchman.

It's an open-and-shut case.

I therefore submit that you have

no alternative but to find him guilty as charged and to put

this vicious criminal beyond the reach of decent society.

Members of the jury, you have heard the evidence in this case.

I would remind you that you are the sole judges of the fact.

I will now ask you to retire and consider your verdict.

May I ask a question, m'lud? Oh, what is it?

How long we got? I don't understand you.

Well, I've seen this on television, you know.

We go out and then the bloke with the earphones comes on

and then we come in and tell you our verdict.

Actually, how long have we got?

As long as you want. That can't be right.

They only get two minutes on television.

I don't care how long they get on television.

This is not the same thing. And they said their programme was authentic!

You don't know where you are these days, do you?

Will you please go and consider your verdict? Usher, please.

I will take this jury to some private and convenient place

and shall not suffer anyone to speak to them.

Neither shall I speak to them lest it be to ask them if they be

agreed upon their verdict.

Have a bar of soap sent in, would you?

Bit of hair cream or something. Perhaps you've got an idea.

What do you think?

There you are, ladies and gentlemen, you heard what the judge said.

There's no hurry. We can take as long as we like.

We shan't be disturbed. Our time is our own.

Oh, good, let's have a game of cards. Put those things away.

We're here to decide whether that poor wretch out there

is innocent or guilty. Oh, let's cut for it and get off home.

Anything under a seven, he's guilty.

What do you mean, "Anything under a seven, he's guilty?"

What sort of justice is that?

What's the point of all that going on out there with lawyers

and wigs and things if all you've got to do

is cut for a seven or under?

This is the Old Bailey, mate, not Dodge House!

Come on, hurry up, we don't want to be here all day.

Wait a minute, we mustn't be hasty.

It is essential for the course of justice that we deliberate this

slowly and carefully before reaching a decision.

Agreed? Agreed. Right.

Guilty.

Oh.

Well, you didn't wait long about that, did you?

In my opinion, it's an open-and-shut case. The man's obviously guilty.

Well, I think he's innocent. What do the rest of you think?

Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty. Et tu, Brute?

Let's face it, they all say guilty.

We'd be here for weeks if we disagree. Guilty.

Come on, let's get down to the pub,

have a couple of pints at The Wig and Gavel.

That is not the attitude. We're here to ensure that justice is done.

That's what we're being paid for.

We're getting paid?

Of course we're getting paid. 30 shillings a day.

30 bob a day? Well, that's seven-and-a-half quid a week.

That's more than I get outside. In that case, not guilty.

Let's keep it going as long as we can.

I love Sid James.

I can't say I agree with your motives,

but I agree with your decision.

Right, two not guiltys. Any advance on two not guiltys?

This is ridiculous.

30 shillings a day may be more than you earn, sir, but I am

a company director and I am losing a fortune while this thing goes on!

How DARE you put your personal gain before your duty as a citizen!

You unfeeling swine! Haven't you got any sense of duty?

Yes, of course I've got a sense of justice,

but this is a watertight case.

I can't see that there's anything to discuss.

But there's loads to discuss.

I reckon we've got a good six or seven days of nonstop chat

in front of us.

Really, this is too much! He MUST be guilty.

He is not guilty. Of course he is. He isn't! He is.

Are you looking for a punch-up?

Please, please, please, please!

Sidney, please, you'll have the wallopers in here in a minute.

A punch-up at the Old Bailey, whatever next?

Ladies and gentlemen, control yourselves

and realise that I am the foreman.

But he's talking a lot of nonsense. He wants to keep up here all week.

The man is obviously guilty and I demand... Ah, ah, ah.

Who's the foreman?

You are. There we are then.

Yes, but I can't... Ah, ah, ah.

Yes, but I... Ah, ah.

But I... Ah.

You're not leaving this jury room till we've reached

a unanimous decision... from all of us. Now then...

LAUGHTER

..have a look at the score.

Two not guiltys and ten say guilty.

I think a discussion is called for to elaborate our points of view.

Guilty! I'll slosh you!

I am the foreman. I shall speak.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today to witness the joining together... No!

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today to sit in judgment of

a fellow human being, but before we have the temerity,

nay, audacity, to take it upon ourselves to judge another,

surely we must first judge ourselves?

LAUGHTER

Are there any of us so pure,

so free from sin in our own personal wives...

LIVES!

LAUGHTER

..that we can, dispassionately, nay, objectively...

..nay...

..dispassionately, judge another? And therefore I submit...

Oh, get on with it! Oh, don't do that, please!

I was just working up to a crescendo then.

Never interrupt anybody when they're getting to a crescendo,

it can be very nasty.

Please don't do that again. Where was I?

You were submitting. Yes, therefore I submit... What was I submitting?

I don't know. There it is, it's gone now.

I've forgotten what I was submitting.

Good - now perhaps you'll be quiet and let somebody else have a go.

All right, then, I shall extend to him...

the courtesy that he didn't extend to me.

That will show you how much better brought up I am than he was,

out of the two of us in comparison with each other.

Carry on.

Ladies and gentlemen,

all I have to say is the evidence points unequivocally...

Do you mind? There's ladies here.

Unequivocally. Oh, yes, all right, just watch it. Go on, carry on.

Unequivocally to this man's guilt.

Now, ten of us believe him to be guilty.

The will of the majority should prevail, as in any democracy, and

therefore, sir, you should reverse your verdict to one of guilty.

Hear, hear. I see, that's the way the wind's blowing, is it?

We'll have a go round the table. What about you, madam?

You with the hat on. Yes. What do you think?

Guilty, guilty, guilty. Put him away, he's a menace!

Send him away for as long as the law allows. Make an example of him.

There's too much namby-pamby treatment of these thugs.

Bring back the Cat. That'd show them.

I'd do it myself if you men haven't got the courage.

Put him away. Guilty! Guilty!

So much for the gentler sex(!)

Right, now you. Well, really, I don't know.

No, no, I'm not sure, but I always felt that he was guilty.

But that is not good enough. You must be sure.

This could have been your own boy.

Your own flesh and blood.

The little boy you bounced upon your knee.

It could be him sent away for 15 years to a darkened cell.

No sun to light his morning.

Out on the moors with the mists

swirling around his ball and chain...

..breaking up huge boulders into little pieces and then

cementing little pieces back into big boulders so he can bash it.

LAUGHTER

And what of his child at home?

What of his mother putting him to bed?

"Where's Daddy, Mummy? Is he coming home tonight?"

"Hush, child.

"Eat your crust of dry bread and don't drop crumbs on the sacking

"that forms your bedclothes."

"Mummy, is that a tear I see

"trickling down your thin, pale face?"

"'Tis nothing, child. Drink up your spoonful of milk, go to sleep."

"But where's my daddy? Where did they put my daddy?"

SID WAILS

LAUGHTER

I've already got you. I'm after him.

"Where is my daddy? When are they going to bring my daddy back to me?"

Not guilty. Got him!

LAUGHTER

9-3. Right, anybody else coming over to our side?

You won't get me - guilty!

You won't get me with your cheap tricks. Nor I. Guilty!

I see - that's the way things are shaping, is it? Stalemate.

Good, let's have a game of cards. A small party? Get some booze in.

Get some more birds.

Oh, shut up, you licentious fool!

Look, I suggest we go back and tell them we can't agree on a verdict.

Then what happens? We can all go home. Oh, mate, I'm not having that.

Go home, 30 bob a day, is he kidding?

I can't stop here forever. I've got a farm to run.

There's crops to get in. That's charming, isn't it?

You're prepared to send a man to jail for 15 years

so you can get your spuds in?

The equation of human kindness -

15 years in jug equals two tonne of King Edwards.

LAUGHTER

But he's guilty. He deserves to go to prison.

Well, I think he's innocent. Good heavens, why, man?

Why do you persist in saying he's innocent

in light of all the evidence against him?

Caught red-handed, identified. Why? Why? WHY?

Well, he's got such a nice face.

Look, the man's impossible. We'll be here all night.

Send in 12 dinners, will you?

Ask them if they'll send a bit of lard in, will you?

A bit of lard too, yes.

Good grief, man, how COULD it have been his twin brother?!

It's happened before. What about the Corsican Brothers?

One was good, one was bad, and I say we've got the good one.

But he hasn't even got a brother. That doesn't matter.

We've all got doubles.

There's a bookie's runner down our way looks exactly like you.

Thank you very much.

It isn't you, is it? No, it isn't!

Well, there you are, then.

Oh, this is ridiculous. We're getting absolutely nowhere.

We've been locked in this confounded room for seven hours now.

Seven hours!

And what theories have you concocted? Twin brothers.

Doubles.

Blackouts.

He was drugged by a gang of international crooks.

He's a rightful heir to a European throne

and they want him out of the way so they can put his uncle on.

It's quite possible. His father used to sell onions.

We don't know anything about his family background.

We don't know what his father did

when he got off his bike at Boulogne.

Probably went straight up to the chateau, put the crown on,

ran the flag up, Grand Duke of Burgundy! You never know.

What do you mean, Duke of Burgundy? They all come from Brixton.

He might have been exiled.

I give up. I give up. I don't want to talk to him any more.

Keep him out of my sight.

Well, that's 8-3. One retired hurt.

This room's getting me down. I want some fresh air.

I'm suffocating in here.

Lovely view, isn't it, London at midnight?

I'd sooner see it over my farm. How much longer are we going to be?

Hard to tell. Rate things are going, it could be weeks. Weeks?!

But I've got to be on my farm tomorrow.

There we are, deadlock, isn't it, 9-3?

Your lead. How much longer do you think we'll be?

Oh, 9-3, could take months. I knew a case in Mexico took three years.

Three years?! That's impossible. No, straight up.

Went through three revolutions and nine changes of government.

Two of the jury went bonkers with claustrophobia, three died of

old age, and four were divorced by their wives for desertion.

You married? Yes, I am. Hmm, then I hope she's patient.

Three years is a long time, isn't it? Your lead.

Who's looking after the farm while you're away, then?

My wife.

Oh, country girl? No, she's a Londoner.

Oh, a Londoner, eh?

Don't suppose she knows much about farms, then? No, she doesn't. Hmm.

I expect it'll be a right mess when you get back.

Dead chickens all over the place.

Cattle lying on their backs with their legs sticking up in the air.

LAUGHTER

How long you been married, then? A week. Week, eh?

I wouldn't worry about it.

If she loves you, you know,

three years ain't so long for a hot-blooded young bride of 21.

Your lead.

Londoner, eh?

I suspect she's probably ploughed up the cornfields

and put the pigs out to graze. Complete chaos, financial ruin.

Still, I must admire you. You stick to your principles.

You're a brave man.

You could be out there in ten minutes

if everybody said not guilty, but you stick to your principles.

Highly commendable.

Ruined, but not dishonoured.

Good luck to you.

Poor devil.

I've changed my mind. Yes, so have I. There's not enough evidence.

Not guilty. Well done. 7-5. Anybody else wavering?

You won't get the rest of us. We're determined as you are.

All right, then, we shall just stay here and sit it out.

# Oh, it's a long, long time from May to September

# Bom-bom-bom-bom, la-de-de-dum. #

CLOCK TICKS

I can't stand it any longer! This room is driving me mad!

Let me out! Let me out!

I want to go home! Let me out! Please, let me out!

HE SOBS

I want to go home to my mother!

Six-all, I think.

LAUGHTER

I think they're beginning to crack. Have another go.

Yes, I think that's a good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, the score is now six-all.

I shall not go through the facts of this case again, safe to

suggest to you there is some element of doubt in this boy's guilt.

As Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Vienna...

when Portion accused Shylock Holmes of pinching a pound of meat...

.."The quality of mercy is not strained.

"It droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven

"upon the place beneath.

"It is twice blest. Twice blest. The sign of..." No!

"Blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

Take the case of doubting Thomas, who was sent to Coventry

for looking through a keyhole at Lady Godiva.

Can anybody prove he was looking at her?

Can anybody prove it was he who shouted out, "Get your hair cut?"

Of course not. This is sheer supposition.

Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you?

Did she die in vain?!

LAUGHTER

Brave Hungarian peasant girl

who forced King John to sign the pledge at Runnymede

and closed the boozers at half past ten!

Is all this to be forgotten?

My friends, it is not John Harrison Peabody who is on trail here today,

but the fair name of British justice, and I ask you to send that

poor boy back to the loving arms of his poor white-haired old mother

a free man.

I thank you.

All right, then, hands up all those who say not guilty.

Right, 10-2, we're leading. Just these two to go.

Come on, who do you think you are? The man is innocent.

Obviously, obviously. Oh, very well, I can't stand it any more.

All right, all right, have it your own way.

Let the criminal go free. I don't care.

Let him loose so that he can rob other people's shops,

other people's houses.

Your house, maybe. I don't mind. Not guilty, then? Oh, anything you like.

That's 11-1. Here, Curly, what about you?

Oh, do what you like. I don't care. There you are.

A unanimous verdict of not guilty. We can all go home.

What's the matter now?

I've just been thinking about what he said

about letting him loose to rob people's shops

and other people's houses.

I couldn't have that on my conscience.

I'll have to change my mind. Guilty!

LAUGHTER

What a good boy you are.

11-1, we're off again.

No, no, let's go back to guilty. That's all right with me.

I'll go along with that. Guilty. Now, who says guilty?

ALL: Yes!

There you are, we all agree guilty. Now it's over, we can all go.

Wait a minute.

The caper isn't up yet. Not guilty.

But he IS guilty. We all agree he's guilty.

Your friend says he's guilty! I don't care what he says.

I've got another five days' work here. Not guilty.

We can not go through this again. No, no, no, no!

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If everybody chips in 30 bob

to compensate for me loss of earnings,

I'll come in with you lot.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

we have reached a unanimous verdict.

British justice has triumphed again.

Court will rise.

Carry on. Who speaks as your foreman?

I'm the foreman.

Have you agreed on your verdict? We have.

How finds you the prisoner? Guilty or not guilty?

Guilty. 12-0.

LAUGHTER

And that is the verdict of you all? It is.

I will pass sentence after the recess.

Court is adjourned.

Just one moment.

Mr Foreman, the ring, if you please.

Oh, yes, certainly, M'lord.

It's gone.

But I had it on my finger.

I shook hands with everybody.

I had it on my finger, but it's disappeared.

Where could it have gone to? It can't have flown away.

The ring has disappeared? This is a very serious affair.

This ring was exceedingly valuable.

Is the police inspector in court?

Court will rise.

Carry on, Mr Farnsworth.

Put up the accused.

You are charged with conspiring

to steal a diamond ring, valued at ?20,000.

How do you plead? I'm the foreman. Guilty.

A prison sentence would be shorter than this trial.

I want to get back to my pigs.

What about my wife? It's not my fault.

Who has the ring? Who's got it?

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

A lot of comedians...

are very dark people, unfortunately.

I don't know... You know,

I'm not in the business of making people laugh, except in private.

To do it as a business,

it is obviously...

You know, it's a hard task.

It can do you in.

Especially Tony. Yeah.

Right...

let's sort out the chaff from the corn and see how many of you...

can stay up with me for the next three nights

and make it out the other side.

Of course, TV does keep you up late

for those night owl shows.

# When the night falls

# When the night falls

# I've told you many times before

# If you deceive me I'll want you no more

# People thought that I was foolin' round

# But I've got both my feet on the ground

# I don't regret the things I've done

# Although I miss your lovin'

# When the night falls

# When the night falls. #

Spending a lot of your life

as a nocturnal creature,

you get a certain affinity for...

nightingales and owls,

and little furry things you can't quite describe, you know?

Badgers and...you know.

# When the night falls

# When the night falls. #

The fox is, yeah... I mean...

He's a smart guy, you know.

Why flash yourself when you don't need to?

Guys that work at night have always intrigued me.

"What are you doing up at this time of day?"

HE GRUNTS: "Working."

# Tell Automatic Slim

# To tell razor-totin' Jim

# To tell butcher knife-totin' Annie

# To tell fast-talking Fanny

# We gonna pitch a ball

# Down to that union hall

# We gonna romp and tromp till midnight

# We gonna fuss and fight till daylight

# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

# All night long

# All night long

# All night long

# All night long

# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

# Tell kudu-crawlin' Red

# Tell Abyssinian Ned

# Tell ol' Pistol Pete

# He'll tell everybody he meets

# Tonight, we need no rest

# We gonna really throw a mess

# We gonna knock down all the windows

# We gonna kick down all the doors

# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

# All night long

# All night long

# All night long

# All night long

# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

# Tell Fats and Washboard Sam

# That everybody gonna jam

# Tell Shaky and Boxcar Joe

# We got sawdust on the floor

# Tell Peg and Caroline Dye

# We gonna have a heck of a time

# And when the fish scent fills the air

# There'll be snuff juice everywhere

# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

# All night long

# All night long

# All night long

# All night long

# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long. #

MUSIC: Child Of The Moon by The Rolling Stones

Night-time has a certain effect on us.

It's kind of, like, er,

I suppose, the moon or something, you know?

It affects us.

# The sun glows

# At the end of the highway

It changes your water.

Lunatic, lunar.

I mean, yes, madness.

# Child of the moon

# Rub your rainy eyes

# Oh, child of the moon

# Give me a wide-awake crescent-shaped smile

# She shivers

# By the light, she is hidden

# She flickers

# Like a lamp lady vision

# Child of the moon

# Rub your rainy eyes

# Child of the moon

# Give me a wide-awake crescent-shaped smile. #

Spike, the errant genius.

# The wind blows

# Rain into my face

# The sun glows

# At the end of the highway... #

Yeah, he was crazy.

He's probably pissed all the others off, but at the same time,

there was flashes of genius and brilliance in there that...

maybe you can only do if you're nuts, you know.

There's nothing wrong with being nuts...

as long as you don't kill somebody.

Good evening.

I was watching the television this evening and I thought,

"There's nothing like a good laugh."

Take two.

Good evening.

I was watching the television this evening and I thought,

"There's nothing like a good laugh."

Take three.

I was watching the television this evening and I thought,

"There's nothing like a good laugh."

Take four.

I was watching...

the television this evening

and I thought,

"There's nothing like a good laugh."

Oh, ... religion!

Hi, everybody.

This show is called...

MEN HUM What? What's it called?

HE RAMBLES

Agh!

You've got to stop doing that.

You've got to stop that habit.

Ready to go in. Right.

Right. OK, Spike. Ready?

Yes?

Good morning, madam. Morning.

Morning, madam. Morning.

I am...

I'm Herbert Screckle,

a salesman.

Er, me and my fellow directors

would like to know if...

you are getting sufficient sympathy and understanding in your life?

Not much. Why?

Do you mind if we come in, madam?

No. Ta.

Supposing you had been out for a hard day's shopping. Tired out.

You get on the Tube.

Does anybody...? Does anybody get up for you?

No fear, not these days! You'd have to drop bleeding dead!

There's no need for you to drop bleeding dead, madam.

Me and my company have invented something for ladies

that guarantees to get the maximum sympathy and understanding.

What is it, divorce?

No. No, madam.

It is not a divorce. Tom...

Ow! Christ!

This is the Mark I

plastic, inflatable sympathy hump.

Say you are on a crowded Tube...

"I'm on a crowded Tube." You're on a crowded Tube.

You want to sit down, but no-one is getting up for you.

Beforehand, you have taken the precaution

of placing this bladder up your back, so...

Now, then...

all you have to do is to inflate it.

They are infallible, madam.

They're tried out by 20 of our humpy-back inspectors...

..on the modern Edgware line.

Well, it looks real, but I don't fancy it.

No, of course you do not fancy it, madam.

Of course you do not.

This is the Quasimodo model...

..for men and boys. No...

For the lady, we have something more delicate, eh, Tom?

Ow! Will you pardon me, madam? Would you open your jacket, please?

Now, then. Once again, just imagine you are on a crowded Tube

and you want to get a seat.

Then all you have to do is to inflate this.

Twins?!

Triplets. There.

It is the infallible

false pregnancy hump, madam.

Now, then, if, on the other hand...

Oh, hello, John. Dear, oh, dear!

Have you had a bad day? I had to stand all the way on the Tube.

GIGGLING

Er, that is the end of that bit.

Now, all stand for the national anthem.

CASH REGISTER RINGS

IN DEEP VOICE: # God save our gracious Queen

# Long live our noble Queen

# God save our Queen. #

What a wonderful tune that is.

Lovely tune. My wife and I often sing it of an evening, you know?

I say to her, "Molly, shall we go down to the lounge

"and sing God Save The Queen?" She says, "Yes, John."

And we go down and sing it.

We often invite Ted and his mother to come over and sing it with us.

It really is a lovely tune.

# God save our... #

I can't understand why it isn't in the charts, you know.

But seriously, folks, is it, in fact,

like a dead palm tree?

Out of date.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, I think I got the best out of that joke.

Get the best out of this one, sailor. Whoopee!

Erm...

That was John Wells in a censored excerpt from the Mountbatten story.

To find out whether people

actually did stand for the national anthem,

we tried this simple experiment.

Example one. Kew Gardens.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

MUSIC SWELLS

And number two, The Mall.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

But then, suddenly, it's the Queen. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

Number four, a sewers.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

CLANG Ow!

Finally...

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

MUSIC SWELLS

(Screwdrivers? Screwdrivers?)

Well, there you see, there are those people who just won't!

But most people generally do stand for the national anthem.

What we can't understand is why they stand for Harold Wilson,

Edward Heath

and Mrs Enid Stone.

I'm Enid Stone and I'm 62.

62, isn't that wonderful, ladies and gentlemen?

She's 62. Great big hand for Enid Stone,

who's 62 and scratching on the... APPLAUSE DROWNS HIM OUT

But what of those expatriates

who are beyond the earshot of God Save The Queen?

There they lie, in the corner of some foreign suit

that is forever ignorant.

We carried out a national anthem survey with Lord Louis Mountbatten

who had taken time off from filming Ben Hur with a cast of sailors.

Hello, sailor!

HE LAUGHS

Using GPO national anthem detectors,

we discovered that all people living in these areas - here,

there and there -

were totally without GSTQ -

God Save The Queen.

Yes, we at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office

decided to invent a pill

which would make you hear the national anthem in your mind.

It's wonderful. Very good.

I heard every...every note.

# God save... #

HE CLUCKS

HOWLING

WOOFING

Of course, these national anthem pills

have got very, very nasty side effects.

But there are other, far worse problems.

Let us visit the National Anthem Addiction Centre at Sandringham.

Here, we see many sufferings the advanced thralls

and acute agonies of national anthem mania.

PATIENTS CHATTER

God save the queen. The queen!

The Queen, God bless her! The Queen, God bless her!

Queen! Queen! QUEEN! Queen! Queen!

God save the queen, god bless her. The Queen! The Queen! The Queen.

The queen, God bless her! The queen, god bless her!

PATIENTS BABBLE

These are the withdrawal symptoms of compulsive patriotism,

even though these people have not heard

the national anthem for three weeks.

Fortunately, the GPO has came up with a dial-an-anthem service.

LA MARSEILLAISE BLARES

Operator, I've got a wrong anthem. Hello?

Let that give comfort to those who scoff at The Patriot,

the well-known restaurant which serves brown Windsor soup

in the shape of the Duke of Edinburgh.

This week saw the start of the South London Unorthodox,

Amateur Athletics Association sport week.

Here, we see competitors from the Bromley Operatic Society

in the 100 metres singing relay.

THEY SING SCALES

On your marks...

GUNSHOT

JERUSALEM: # And did those feet

FASCINATING RHYTHM: # Fascinating rhythm, you've got me on the run

# In ancient time # Fascinating rhythm

# What a mess you're making The neighbours want to know

# Walk upon England's mountains green?

# Why am I shaking like a flivver?

# Each morning I get up with the sun

# And was the holy Lamb of God

# To find at night no work has been done.

# On England's pleasant pastures seen?

THEY CONTINUE TO SING

# And did the Countenance Divine

# Won't you take a day off?

# Decide to run along

# Somewhere far away off and make it snappy

# Shine forth upon our clouded hills?

# Oh, how I long to be the girl I used to be

# What a mess you're making

# The neighbours want to know why

# I'm always shaking

THE OTHER SINGS JERUSALEM

# Fascinating rhythm

# Oh, won't you stop picking on ME! #

Today sees the finale

of the annual grandmother-hurling contest at Beachy Head.

The grandmothers and contestants

are just warming up for the final throws.

So, over to Ivor Pulcock.

Hello, it's a great day for the grandmother-hurling finals

here at Beachy Head. In the last three eliminations,

over 100 grandmothers were successfully thrown out to sea,

out of which, only two returned back in the penalty time

of one-and-a-half minutes.

Let's go over to last year's champion hurler and grandmother.

Hello, this is Mr John Squonk, and his grandmother, Mrs Ethel Squonk.

Good morning. Could you tell us, how old are you?

Five-feet-three.

And what made you offer yourself for this hurling contest?

Well, I am a widow

and my husband died,

my cat died, but...

I didn't.

So, my gardener came and did this.

Yes, my word. We come down here in the good weather,

I give her several good hurls off the cliff on the weekend.

We have some great fun and the money comes in handy.

Hello, this is Mr Arthur Grainger and his 80-year-old grandmother.

Major. Major... I think... Grandmother and teacher.

And 91. 91? 91.

Well, well, well, goodness me, 91 years of age. 91.

And the coroner said she was dead, but...

I got a second opinion,

mine,

and she was in a...

She looked all right, so I put her...

She's 91, you see, and they go that way in the end.

Major... They can't help it. When you say, "They go that way..."

91. Because she's 91? Yeah, and a major... Yourself?

You are...? A major.

HE MUMBLES

Could you tell us this? Why are you...?

HE MUMBLES I beg your pardon?

The wind blows rough. What I wanted to know, Major...

Put a ramp on her, Derek! Yes... Put a ramp on her! Yes.

Major? Oh, we haven't got any blocks for the wheel.

I'm telling him that you're 91.

I'd like to... 91. Why are you using apparatus?

Well, she's got, er... She's got these, er...

weak ankles, you see, and, er,

she's had them more than a week, actually. Two weeks.

I suppose the straps will go round...

The particular straps... The scrabsons on the blink.

Because of the scrabsons on the blink? ..A scrabson on the blink.

We've got these hairy socks and I don't like the hand-held one.

And you prefer the traditional meth...? No, I like the hurl method.

Hurl out to sea.

She's left me money in the will and there's the cottage. I see.

And, er... And this is...? I'm telling you... Yes.

I see. So, I think we're ready...

BELL CLANGS That sounds... She's 91 and ready.

Right, you are. I think we're ready for the first...

I mean...for the first hurl.

The major is just making sure that the straps are...

Get your fingers in your ears, Granny.

I'll put my fingers in my ears. And clench your teeth so they don't pop.

She's clenching her teeth now... See the rocks?

Flatten out! He has instructed her...

He's instructed her now to flatten out over the rocks when...

as she's about to go. Now...

Ready, dear? I'm ready.

I think he's ready now. Looking at his watch, he's...

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, Major, that really was quite wonderful.

I'd like to congratulate you.

It was really a wonderful hurl. A wonderful hurl. Good for her!

And now, John Squonk OBE with his traditional freestyle hurl.

Don't worry, darling, the rocks will break your fault. All right, love.

He's ready now.

He wheels her out once, twice...

He's building up into a powerful loop, into ever-increasing circles.

And it's... WOMAN SCREAMS

That was a beauty! It certainly could be a close thing.

UPBEAT PIANO TUNE

# Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

# Now it looks as though they're here to stay

# Oh, I believe in yesterday

# Suddenly...

# Suddenly, I'm just half the man I used...

# There's a shadow hanging over me

# Oh, yesterday came suddenly

# Why she had to go I don't know

# She wouldn't say

# I said something wrong Now I think of yesterday... #

Agh!

PIANO STOPS ABRUPTLY

# Yesterday HE PLAYS TWO NOTES

# All my troubles seemed so far...

# Far away

# Now I need a place to...

# Hide away

# Oh, I believe...

# In yester... Agh! Agh!

# Yester... Agh!

# I bel... Agh! #

What you are seeing, at this very moment,

is the smallest police station in the world,

and I am but a voice-over.

Oh, no, it isn't.

This is the smallest police station in the world.

Yes, it will hold three fully grown policemen,

or eight large constables.

Lies! That man is lying!

I'm not, I'm standing on my head.

Groans! Groans!

No, this is the smallest police station in the world.

And I should know.

Let us put an end to these rumours.

This is definitely the smallest police station in the world.

I am about to incarcerate a criminal in it.

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Brilliant.

I see there's only a skeleton service running tonight. Brilliant.

OK, you dirty rat!

Hands together! Kneel down!

Now listen, blue eyes.

HE SPEAKS LATIN

Amen.

HE WAILS

This man is laying on his back, cutting his throat,

groaning and overacting.

He's wearing a greasy bowler. Brilliantine!

But, God, he's been...

ordained!

MUSIC: Toccata and Fugue in D Minor by JS Bach

Ordained? But who do you suspect?

It looks like a typical 6?-inch collar,

Archbishop of Canterbury job to me.

I'm Jewish! There, there. Now, you're...

Christian.

Oh, my...

We must get him to the de-ordination hospital as soon as possible.

And lo, he came to the mountain and fell down...

Oy!

And so it came to pass that they all spake out...