Night Happens Keith Richards' Lost Weekend

This is a bootleg television wake-up call.

Do not adjust your set.

Repeat - do not adjust your set.

Normal service will not be resumed.

Welcome to the permanent night shift.

Keith Richards at the controls, calling all night owls and hipsters.

This is a reality hacking incident.

For the next nine hours, you're invited to ride with me.

Through the night and out the other side.

A random night flight across uncharted airwaves.

Fasten your safety belts, the weekend starts here.

# Well, here it comes

# Here comes the night

# Here comes the night

# Oh, yeah

# I can see right out my window

# Walkin' down the street my girl with another guy

# His arms around her like it used to be with me

# Oh, it makes me want to die

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Well, here it comes

# Here comes the night

# Here comes the night

# Oh, oh, oh, yeah. #

# She's with him He's turning down the lights

# And now he's holding her the way I used to do

# I can see her closing her eyes and telling him lies

# Exactly like she told me, too

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Well, here it comes

# Here comes the night

# The long, the long the lonely night. #

Night happens.

After about 12 hours, er...

..you know, there's night.

You know, my favourite time of day.

I have nothing at all against daylight.

I love sunshine as much as anybody, you know?

It's the nature of my job.

You don't play music to people in the morning or the afternoon.

When people get off of work and they've done their day, you know,

at the grind, they're looking to be entertained.

They want to listen to music.

They want to see movies, whatever.

It's the way that the human race goes round.

While they're working, we're sleeping.

And when they want to have some fun at night, you know, we're working,

and playing, and it's a night shift, basically, you know?

Inevitably you become...

nocturnal by nature, basically.

It's what you do. You're on the night shift forever.

I mean, my nine-to-five is the opposite to most, you know?

# Cos the night has a thousand eyes

# And a thousand eyes can't help but see

# If you are true to me. #

INTERVIEWER: You were probably one of the first people with a video recorder?

I was probably one of the earliest ones.

Probably Bill Wyman beat me to it.

But that was the same time I had kids.

It would, like, really take care of a lot of business for a while, you know?

Knock them up breakfast, put on The Thunderbirds...

..and everybody's happy.

DOG SNORES

Hey, wait a minute, pal!

What are you trying to do, eat me?

Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah!

Well, forget it, see?

I've seen this cartoon before and, brother, believe me -

if you're smart, you won't eat me.

Because before this picture's over, I save your life.

Yeah, but I'm hungry.

Well, OK, then.

In the next room,

you'll find a great, big, fat, juicy canary.

Eat him!

Well, I've been sick.

Oh!

THUNDER RUMBLES

BRAKES SQUEAL

HE LAUGHS

Boo!

Well, see, chum. It's like I said at the beginning.

I told you I'd save your life, didn't I?

Yeah, gee, thanks a lot, old pal.

And here's the little bottle that did the whole trick.

Well, so long, shorty.

So long!

But, hey!

I'm still hungry.

NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen,

we're going to have to end this picture.

We just ran out of the stuff.

Good night.

I grew up with TV,

in England, in its infancy, and it's always fascinated me, you know?

This screen in the room.

It is an addiction.

I mean, who am I to talk about addiction?

But sometimes I just think that people are staring at the damn thing

because it's there.

Cue opening titles.

STEADY SAWING

I'm rich!

Good evening.

Or if you've got your choppers in a glass, good evening.

Now, many people want to know why the show is called Q8.

And I am one of them.

What's this? "Get the Abbey habit, have an affair with a monk"?

Pfft!

Ow!

That was a close encounter of a thud kind.

Ah, a finger stall.

Argh!

I didn't want to waste it.

Right, now I'm going to read this week's court circular.

Yesterday, the Queen opened Parliament.

Some idiot gave her a key.

Here's some more court news.

Prince Philip got his caught.

Prince Charles got his caught.

And the royal tailor has been dismissed.

Good evening, and I mean that most sincerely, I really do.

Tonight, we present the prizes for duration

in the singing and hanging contest.

Third prize goes to Tom Lakes,

who sang and hung from a horizontal bar for three hours and two minutes.

Great big hand.

Really wonderful, it really was.

Second prize goes to Bert Sprumps,

who sang and hung from the horizontal bar

for four hours and 39 minutes.

Great big hand.

But the winner is Mr Eric Treacle,

who sang and hung from a horizontal bar for an amazing 24 days.

And the Lord said unto all men,

always wear clean underwear.

And the Pharisees say, whyfor, thereafter which?

And he sayeth,

because, supposing thou art knocked down in the street,

blessed are they that weareth clean knickers.

So even though they be knocked down in the street by a bus,

verily, they will be pure of heart from the waist down.

Achoo!

Achoo!

THUDDING

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Er... There's a cheque in the post.

Oh, gosh.

Lady Lewisham? Yes?

I'm sorry, your husband has been in an accident.

Is it serious?

Yes, he was wearing dirty knickers.

Oh!

Worst of all, they were yours.

HORN HONKS

BRAKES SCREECH

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Princess Radsville?

There's a cheque in the post.

Sorry to tell you that your husband has been seriously killed.

Oh!

Don't cry!

I tell you because he was wearing...clean knickers!

Freeze-frame!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

HE SHRIEKS This would never have happened if they had used...super cover!

The English invention that hides crappy British cooking

from the tourists!

Yes, even the smartest of us can be caught with our menus down.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Come in.

MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory

Yes, super cover can even fool royalty.

Another idea from British Leyland,

in its eternal search for an alternative to making motorcars.

PHONE RINGS Hello, what? Yes. Right.

PROLONGED LAUGHTER

The answer to a question last week,

"What do Scotsmen have up their kilts?"

The winner chosen was Her Majesty the Queen, who said...

Gas stoves.

Yes.

A gas stove is what a Scotsman has up his kilt.

It wasn't the right answer, but it was the only one we could publish.

Some of you suggested certain other things were lodged up

Scotsmen's kilts.

One lady suggested a grand piano, a set of spoons,

and someone else said Larry Grayson.

To find out the real answer to this, over to Stirling Castle.

Stand, ease!

BELLS CHIME INDIVIDUALLY

DULL THUD

HE LAUGHS

Attention!

I do not understand it.

It has only done 8,000 yards.

My God, Bert, look!

Here comes the Queen!

What are we going to do?

Your Majesty!

Yes, super cover!

Another idea from Leyland to hide their crummy products.

Freeze-frame!

OUT OF TUNE MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra by Strauss

OUT OF TUNE CLIMAX

Here is a Ministry of Information film.

And now for some totally useless information.

Did you know, if you strike a female desk, it screams?

MALE VOICE: OW!

God, it's a male!

Funny place to hang a saveloy.

This is a Hamlet pencil, 2B or not 2B.

Now, did you know, if you break a pencil, it screams?

Argh!

GUN FIRES

Now, the next...

Good God, it's Harry Secombe.

And he's had the operation.

Did you know, if you tear a hole in a piece of paper,

you can see through to the other side?

If you tear a hole on the other side, you can see back in again.

GUN FIRES Now then, next...

God, it's Mrs Thatcher's bank manager.

Suffering withdrawal symptoms.

I wonder who she is. Right. Next, did you know,

a piece of paper will take the weight of a human body

without breaking?

GUN FIRES

Good heavens! It's Richard III part one!

The next... Oh, there's part two.

Did you know, if you kept a newspaper for seven days,

it gets one week behind?

Here's another way to get a weak behind. Argh!

Now then...

Good God! It's the Duke of Edinburgh!

I'm sorry, Philip, I suppose this means a knighthood is out of the question.

And that's...that's for not giving me an OBE!

Good evening. Yes, tonight, a tribute to the late Sir Edward Elgar,

whose favourite instrument was the...

..was the B flat garden hose, for which he wrote many great pieces,

including...

..Underneath The Armpits We Dream Our Days Away.

Right.

THEY BLOW

SHE TALKS AT DOUBLE SPEED

Anti-Yap, for the husband who's had enough.

I'd like to read this excerpt in the new Reader's Digest.

PROLONGED LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Now, this is a true advert in this paper.

The Zenith atomic clock, powered by solar batteries,

will run for 100 years.

Guaranteed for 12 months.

And now here is the late news.

Racing motorist Getafitapaldi

told a judge his wife didn't understand him.

Asked why, he said she was Bulgarian.

He admitted later she could neither read nor write English and, granting a decree,

the judge said she did sound like an ignorant Bulgar.

But the bodies of three bank robbers were found encased in cement

at the bottom of the Mersey docks.

Police say they believed them to be hardened criminals.

Good morning. I've been sent along here by my doctor for an eye test.

He thinks I need glasses.

Oh, but you do. This is a fish shop.

We interrupt this programme to tell you that this is an official BBC interruption.

And now we interrupt this programme to tell you

that the interruption to the interruption is over. Good night.

HE SINGS

Good evening.

The Pope has promised Bruce Forsyth an audience.

He sending a charabanc of nuns to the Palladium.

Marylebone police are looking for a tall blonde with a 42-inch bust.

Asked what the charge was, they said,

"There's no charge, we're just looking for a tall blonde..."

Cut to picture of Spike, dressed as Hitler,

wearing German Admiral's uniform,

standing on what appears to be the bridge of the Bismarck.

Or some other herring.

Behind him, three actors, all dressed identically.

These additional Hitlers are all looking puzzled.

They have been cloned.

Bring on the clones.

No idea what they're doing on the bridge of a herring called Bismarck.

Neither have we.

That is why we getting out of this sketch as soon as possible.

Yes, quite obviously Hitler doesn't know this sketch is over

and is going for laughs.

There goes one now. Watch out, Poland, you're next!

Here is an announcement for a Mr Al Capone.

Your sketch has ended, and there is a cheque in the post.

Another sketch will follow almost immediately.

Meanwhile, here is a test card.

Here is the Reverend Franklin with a few calming words.

Librium, Valium, Mogadon.

And as funny payoff...

..Achoo!

I say, I say, I say! What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?

My dog has no nose. How does he smell?

Terrible.

I say, I say, I say! What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?

My dog has no nose. How does he smell?

Terrible.

I say, I say, I say! What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?

My dog has no nose. How does he smell?

Terrible.

What are we supposed to be doing? Running gags.

I say, I say, I say, I say...

Deutschland, Deutschland, uber...

Chateau Death - House Of The Death.

THEY WAIL

WHISTLE BLOWS Have a break.

THEY WAIL

Rats! ALL: Squeak, squeak. Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Meow!

Meow!

Woof! Wrong!

Yes! A flash of light!

A white horse.

It's the Stone Ranger, in colour!

What's that? Stop, stop!

This is getting ridiculous. What do you mean, ridiculous?

Good morning!

MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky

ANNOUNCER: Attention, studio audience.

The next joke is waiting for you at Golders Green.

This Government will continue to pursue policies

which will bring it within our grasp.

And now replying to the Prime Minister's speech is Mr Edward Mancroft,

Labour member for Deptford.

My Lords, Ladies,

Mr Lord Mayor, Madam Prime Minister.

Pfft!

Hitler sings George Formby.

Oh, Mr Wu.

Vat can I do?

I've got...

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Here they all are standing in a row.

Morning, darling.

Morning, my wee lovie. What a lovely morning it is!

HE SQUEALS

NARRATOR: Yes, she knows what his problem is.

It's the farmers.

Yes, what he needs is Preparation Ouch.

Just one a day with a new applicator.

Good morning, darling!

Good morning, darling. What a beautiful day it's been.

Oh, look, my favourite breakfast.

Yes, send your farmers packing with...

Preparation Ouch.

Newsflash, we've just heard that the unemployment figures are starting

to fall drastically.

So, for an explanation, over now to Mr Norman Tebbit,

the Minister of Employment.

GUNSHOT

HE WHISTLES

GUNSHOT

HE WHISTLES

GUNSHOT

COMICAL HORN BLOWS

Thank you. Thank you, that'll be all today, Miss Polly.

Thank you.

Come in.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Ah, Mr Dark.

HE SQUEAKS

Do sit down, would you, Shrinker?

HE SQUEAKS LOUDLY

Look here, Shrinker, I expect you're wondering why I sent for you.

Tell me, how long have you been a suppository tester?

I started at the bottom and...

and I stayed there.

Yes, of course, with your condition, you are the ideal test-bed.

Tell me, how long have you worked here?

182 years, sir.

182?!

Yes, sir. I've put a lot of overtime in, mind you.

I can't sit down on this job.

Look here, Shrinker.

It's never been my policy to focus on other people's handicaps,

but, look, what I'm trying to say is, well, you see,

you have a certain problem.

Do you mean the metrics?

Metrics? Yes, the metric miles.

Oh, you mean the piles?

Yes, sir. Didn't you know we call them metrics, sir?

I assure you, Shrinker, I have no axe to grind with the piles.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, sir.

Look here, Shrinker.

It's come to my attention that, while working here,

while testing suppositories, you've been bursting into flames.

I know, sir, I'm very sorry, sir.

Ever since you started working here, you've caught fire 32 times.

And, on one occasion, both your legs became a blazing inferno,

and firemen had to force their way into your trousers using breathing apparatus.

Do you mind, sir? Go ahead. Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Look here, Shrinker.

I'm afraid you'll have to be made redundant.

No! Yes, I'm afraid so.

You see, you've been superseded by the latest development in haemorrhoid technology.

Not nuclear piles!

No!

The new self-inserting suppository applicator.

Run telecine.

Preparation Ouch puts a smile on your face.

WOMAN: The in thing!

JAZZ MUSIC STARTS

JAZZ MUSIC STOPS

JAZZ MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

Is it on?

Er, um... It'll be... very high up here tonight.

Pretty high up there. And, um...

That's not...

It'll be very low... Very low down there.

And, erm...

This is England tonight.

All this is England.

And this will be England tomorrow.

You see. You just see.

You wait, you'll see that's England tomorrow.

The Whistler and his dog.

HE WHISTLES AND BARKS

The Whistler and his horse.

HE WHISTLES AND CLAPS

The Whistler and...somebody else.

HE WHISTLES

Jim.

Verily I say unto you, eyes front!

Our Father, who art in heaven...

As you were, as you were.

Hallowed be thy name!

Thy Kingdom... Wait for it, wait for it.

..come!

Thy will be done.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Steady, steady, steady.

And forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive them

that trespass against us.

Amen!

FOOTSTEPS STANDING TO ATTENTION

METALLIC CLATTERING

Look into my eyes.

I'm going to hypnotise you.

Yes, you. Right now.

No, don't look away.

Look into my eyes.

Relax.

You want a smoke.

You want a smoke that will make your mouth taste fresh.

New Spud by the makers of Marlboro.

New Spud has a filter tip.

It has a crushproof box.

It has a fresh taste like it was air-conditioned.

You're going to try new Spud tomorrow.

You're going to try new Spud.

You're going to buy a pack tomorrow.

This whole unique thing of advertisements coming on.

"We will now take a break."

Get a load of this filter!

But it's funny, because some of the ads

were actually better than the shows!

The sort of striking ones...

..that very film noir, "You're never alone with a Strand."

It was probably one of the best shot ads of that whole period.

INTERVIEWER: He does look like he's on the edge of ending it all, doesn't he?

He probably did as well, you know?

"Send the cheque to my mum! I'm jumping into the goddamn Thames!"

That was a big thing, wasn't it? Jumping into the Thames.

Yeah, the bridges, what are they made for?

You're never alone with a Strand.

The cigarette of the moment.

Strand, the new tipped cigarette.

Wonderful value at three and tuppence for 20.

Yeah, unfortunately, apparently it killed a lot of people.

Not from the smoking, but from the loneliness!

Killed the brand, too.

Yeah.

There was that Park Drive,

Players, Senior Service and Woodbines.

You know?

I don't know where I got this reputation for being a great smoker.

You know, there's something about it.

It's no accident that, suddenly,

they cottoned on to the immense sort of wealth of teenagers.

Before, they'd been totally ignored.

# I'm a-gonna raise a fuss I'm a-gonna raise a holler

# About a-workin' all summer just to try to earn a dollar

# Every time I call my baby try to get a date

# My boss says, "No dice, son You gotta work late"

# Sometimes I wonder what I'm a-gonna do

# But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues. #

At the time you saw it, it was just something new.

You weren't thinking about the wicked design behind it and all that.

# Wake up in the morning There's a snap around the place

# Wake up in the morning There's a crackle in your face

# Wake up in the morning There's a pop that really says

# "Rice Krispies for you and you and you!"

# Pour on the milk and listen to the snap that says, "It's nice!"

# Pour on the milk and listen to the crackle of that rice

# Get up in the morning to the pop that says, "It's rice!"

# Hear them talking crisp Rice Krispies! #

The Stones sold out before The Who.

HE LAUGHS

But it is the only one we ever did, yeah.

And it wasn't bad.

It's pretty good. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'd buy a pack of Rice Krispies on that.

Great!

But that's what advertising's about.

It's to sell you something you don't really need.

Satisfaction's all about advertising and short-changing.

I love Otis's version of satisfaction.

He blew everybody away when he did it on Ready Steady Go!

Once in, you're hooked, you know?

The guy was amazing.

# I can't get no

# Satisfaction

# I can't get no

# Satisfaction

# I've tried, I've tried

# I can't get me no, no, no

# And I can't get no, no, no

# When I'm driving in my car

# And that man come on the radio

# Keep a-tellin' me more and more

# About that useless information

# He's tryin' to mess up my imagination

# I can't get me no, no, no

# Hey, hey, hey!

# We got to groove it, we got to!

# We got to have it

# Got to, got to We got to keep on grooving

# Keep on grooving, keep on grooving

# I know

# I can't get no

# Satisfaction

# I can't get no

# Satisfaction

# I've tried, I've tried

# I've tried I've tried, tried, tried

# I can't get no, oh, no, no

# Keep on rocking

# Baby you'll get you some... #

I thought, "That was it. I'm topped now."

You know? I mean, to have Otis and Aretha covering your song.

I mean, that's it, you can die and go to heaven at that point.

Whether you get in or not is another thing!

Can songs wake you up in the middle of the night?

Arrive out of nowhere?

Satisfaction did.

Yeah. I didn't even know I'd written that one.

But that didn't wake you up?

Not to consciousness.

But enough for me to apparently have got up in the middle of the night

and laid down the basic chords and that riff and said,

"I can't get no satisfaction."

Luckily enough, I had one of the first recorders,

Philips tape recorders, cassette recorders, you know?

And it was, like, brand-new at the time and hi-tech.

And I know, also, while I was doing this,

I happened to hit play and record.

And I don't know how that happened.

All I do know is that, when I woke up in the morning,

I could see that the tape had run all the way to the end.

So the tape had run, you know?

I mean, it was finished.

Push rewind, you know, and there for, I don't know,

30 seconds was Satisfaction.

This is why I love recording.

I have no memory of actually doing it.

The rest of the tape, 45 minutes long, is me snoring.

It was a kind of revelation, in a way of, you know,

what you can do when you're asleep, you know?

Talking about songwriting and songwriters,

here's one of the very best.

A rarely seen piece from 1968.

Hang out with the one and only Johnny Cash.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Ring Of Fire by Johnny Cash