The Hairy Bikers' Twelve Days of Christmas

Blimey - strike a light! It's that time of year again.

It's the Hairy Bikers' Christmas Special.

Dear fellow, let's immerse ourselves in the British tradition that's Christmas!

Mr Scrooge, you know, I might do this one

as a loveable, cheeky, Cockney chappy.

I however, dear fellow, will not.

Whatever! But you lot, please come along

and join us on our festive romp.

Fun, food and frolics await.

-That is....

-The Hairy Bikers' 12 Days of Christmas!

# On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# A partridge in a pear tree

# On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. #

Whoa! Back to reality. I couldn't keep that up for long.

Good Lord, dear fellow, no!

It's our Christmas special. We'll be doing some fantastic food.

And we will be enlisting the help of some very special people.

The food and people are both inspired

by the carol that is the Twelve Days of Christmas.

We will be preparing a festive feast with a wonderful array of

fantastic dishes. But it's not your traditional Christmas fare.

-Well, no, cos we are the Hairy Bikers.

-Born to be wild, dude.

-Well, our hair is anyway!

-That stock is brilliant.

All the fantastic dishes are ideal to be cooked over

the entire festive season. Not just for Christmas Day.

That is a lovely breast.

Thank you very much.

As well as cooking, we will also be taking part in some of the best traditions of Christmas.

Family, fun and fantastic food.

Here, Mr Myers, we start in the wonder that his Norwich.

-And obviously we are going to be meeting Delia.

-No, we are not.

-Tricia?

No. Alan Partridge, dude. Partridge in a pear tree.

First line of the song.

But I have a confession. We are not actually meeting the real Alan Partridge.

Why not? The combed over hair look and craps sweaters are making quite a comeback.

Because we are meeting the man who was inspiration for Alan Partridge, allegedly.

It's Radio Norfolk's cult-jock, Wally Webb.

Dancing on the ceiling by Lionel Ritchie, he's obviously bought those boots with the Velcro on.

Dear viewers, we've had a spot of bother.

I've had an accident.

'I came off my bike.'

Which is why we are on a trike.

I feel like Rudolph shepherding around a white bearded Santa.

Dude, let's go with the Dastardly and Mutley thing,

it's a bit more rock'n'roll.

HE IMITATES MUTLEY

We're cooking our first dish for the real Alan Partridge.

That's lush, Kingy!

We've decided to get into character and dress in sports casuals.

It's in homage to Norwich's famous DJ.

I tell you what you look like, dude.

You look like a stick of candyfloss and I look like a fruit bonbon.

-It's not good.

-Mate, you so look like Noel Edmonds

in his Noel's Full House days with the highlights,

white beard, dead ringer.

-Well, we're cooking.

-Ah-ha.

# ..My true love sent to me, a partridge in a pear tree... #

The first line of the song has inspired us to create

a fabulous roast partridge dish to be served with pickled pears.

Dude, Partridge is a great alternative to the traditional Christmas bird.

Its succulent and juicy and feeds much smaller numbers than

a goose or turkey, so it's ideal for those small celebratory meals

over the festive period.

The dish starts with the sweating down of a shallot or a humble onion. This is the base for the stuffing.

Sausage meat, bread crumbs and chestnuts, cos it's Christmas.

Chestnuts roasting on your open fire.

Jack Frost nibbling at your toes.

I don't know what's after that.

-And forget-me-nots.

-Merry Christmas everyone.

And now some dried apricots.

At Christmas you use a lot of dried fruit.

It was like a Tudor thing for opulence.

You put whatever you had just to celebrate and make things richer and more lush.

Add to this four sage leaves.

We are both fervent believers in eating game.

It's out in the wild, it's natural, it's healthy.

Posh Folk have game.

Wearing hats like this.

Then they go out banging things.

You, there, shoot that bird. It's great.

This stuffing will draw the flavour from the Partridge

and the Partridge will take flavour from the stuffing. It's like us,

we help each other, we live together.

We don't live together! When we did live together?

On the road, you know what I mean, not living that way.

Now we've got wives and stuff.

-There you are.

-Thank you.

-You partridge plucker.

Now, you may look at this withered specimen and it doesn't immediately

say, "Eat me", but soon it's going to look brilliant.

Now there is no way they are going to end up dried out.

They're moist inside, they have loads of butter, they are wrapped in bacon.

Every bit of it apart from the bones is going to be yum-yum, hubba-hubba.

And they're going into the oven.

That's about 180 degrees for about 40-45 minutes.

But don't overcook them or they will be like kind of cremated sparrows.

'Now to go with the special partridge, we're making fondant potatoes.

'They have a gorgeous, rich texture and they're

'one of the most luxurious ways to cook the humble spud.

'We're frying the rounds in butter for a rich flavour,

'then we're turning them over, and adding stock,

'crushed garlic, and some thyme.

'After seasoning, we are covering the fondants and allowing them to

'simmer gently until the potato is cooked through.'

Partridges done. They take about 45 minutes.

So, pickled pears.

We want to keep the pear stalk here.

So start from the stalk, work your way down.

White wine vinegar, loads. Bring that to the boil.

Some water, because we don't want it too vinegary.

To that, we add some sugar.

'Then I'm adding some cloves, allspice,

'juniper berries and star anise.'

A couple of cinnamon sticks. And bring that lot to the boil.

They'll take about five minutes until they just go soft.

Now, this commonly known as a kilner jar, or a preserve jar, whatever you fancy.

You need to sterilise this before you can pickle anything.

Put the pears in, try to get them to stand up if you can.

-You want them well packed, don't you?

-You do. Look at that.

Put the cinnamon in. And just to finish it off, just put a sprig of

rosemary into the jar which is just going to flavour them beautifully.

'After a week, these will be ready to eat, but the longer you leave them, the better they will taste'.

-There you go, mate. Merry Christmas.

-Yes, Merry Christmas.

They're fabulous. What's great is, the pears have taken on all of those spices,

and it's soft, and its sweet, and it sour.

It still tastes like pear, but it's undoubtedly a pickle.

That one is a dynamite winner.

'These pickled pears are a greater accompaniment to the rich gamey flavours

'of the partridge, and combined with some fresh vegetables,

'this dish is a wonderful Christmas treat.

'And don't forget, the recipe for all the dishes on tonight's show

are available online.

Now all we have got to do is plate up,

because any minute now our honoured guest, Wally Webb, will be here.

-That's him.

-Who?

-The legend that is.

-Hello, Wally. Pleased to meet you.

-I'm Si. How are you?

-All right, Si.

-You're a Mod!

-Yeah.

-You've got a Lambretta.

-Yeah.

-I mean, that's pretty cool.

That's a '66, World Cup year.

-You're the only partridge that we know in Norwich, and we've cooked one.

-Step this way.

-OK.

-There he is, Wally.

Our first festive feast.

-You've done this for me?

-We certainly have.

It is a well-stuffed partridge.

Very well presented too, I might say.

Pickled pear with fondant, carrots and peas.

We'd like to know your verdict.

-It's jolly.

-Isn't it? Isn't it just.

It's a party, a Christmas party in your gob.

-It's like having tinsel in your mouth.

-What a fella.

-Now the only thing he is, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

-Right?

So what we need to do, we need to get you and the assembled throng to sing

the first few lines...

-Of?

-The Twelve Days of Christmas.

# On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me,

# A partridge in a pear tree. #

'Ouch! I think Wally should stick to playing records

rather than singing.'

'But, dude, we are off to a flyer. One down, 11 to go.'

Now for the next line, we are not going to be roasting turtle doves.

We are fans of game, but that's going a bit far.

No, turtle doves are a symbol of love.

And this has inspired us to cook a romantic meal for our

nearest and dearest, and yes, people,

these ladies are our real true loves.

# Two turtle doves and a partridge... Oh! #

They haven't learnt their lines yet, but it's great to have them on the telly with us.

# Magic

# Moments

# When two hearts are sharing

# I'll never forget the moment we met, she nicked me wallet. #

-Dude, not any more though.

-No, now we've got a couple of belters here.

-And they are due soon, and we are doing something wonderful with our leftovers.

-We are.

Christmas is a time of love, isn't it?

And one of the nicest things in the world is making food for the people you love.

Basically, what we are going to show is where you have leftover turkey, leftover ham, leftover cold cuts,

-you can make really quick, tasty samosas.

-And leftover grannies.

If you want your granny to go home, say that you'll put her into a samosa and she'll

-be off on her Zimmer frame, up the drive.

-Not that we're promoting cannibalism.

The first thing we have to do is basically put bits in a bowl and make the filling.

What's this? It's a bowl.

And this is two bits. A couple of leftover old fondants. I am going to dice those.

I think we should just put it all in.

It seems just like a waste not to put it all in.

You can do what you want.

-It's Christmas!

-I love that.

These orange things, surprisingly, are carrots.

You don't want them mushy, so only part-boil them and chop them nice and fine.

Everything is nice and fine.

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the odd diced carrot.

It wouldn't. It wouldn't.

Whenever you are making samosas,

potatoes always do seem to play a part.

They take flavour in from the curry powder and they bulk it out a bit.

But fondants, because they have been cooked in butter and stock, these are rich samosas. Romantic samosas.

I'm going to put three teaspoons of curry powder in.

For making a samosa, don't bother making your own pastry.

We've kind of got two types we commonly use.

One is the French brik pastry, which I think gives a better finish.

It's more like a proper samosa pastry.

Or, a good old packet of filo pastry.

Tends to come up a bit Greek, but it's not bad.

For extra richness, we paint that with butter.

A samosa is rather like toilet paper.

It can be either two-ply or three-ply.

We will go for two-ply, so it is two-ply with butter in the middle.

And you know why? Because it gives it a velvet finish.

So you put it into the corner like so and fold it over.

And as we roll, those open ends are being sealed.

And there is the shape we love. Passing over to the eggy wash department.

Eggy wash department?

-That'll need lots of eggy wash, that.

-Oh, doesn't it?

-I feel it could unroll.

-And you don't want that with your samosa.

You don't want it to unroll.

No, because then it would be like a waffle.

But these are lovely for a party of people coming round.

It's easy, its finger food, it's not challenging and it's not formal.

You just get tucked in.

Come on, my darling.

Look, we've got little gems of loveliness everywhere.

So, ladies, Christmas is a time of love. What's the food of love?

-I think, for me, it has to be lobster.

-D'you think?

-Yeah.

-You are keen on a lobby, aren't you, kid?

I love the way you do it.

You can make me happy cooking me pig trotters.

You get pigs trotters, I get ruddy lobster!

No wonder I'm skint!

Thanks, love. It's going to be a great Christmas.

-I know.

-Let's be pulling of the crackerness.

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year. #

Yeah! I've got one!

Look at you, you ended up with two.

Get your hats on! Get your hats on!

Look at that, dude, quality hat.

Oh, I'm going to miss our two little turtle doves.

I know, they're gorgeous, aren't they?

'But we are on a mission, and the open road beckons.'

Next we are heading north to the land where girls have

corned beef legs and wear nowt on a night out, my home city of Newcastle.

And we've set up our kitchen on the quayside,

next to one of the most iconic landmarks of the city,

the Tyne Bridge.

# Alouette, gentille Alouette.

# Alouette, je te plumerai. #

The French poulet bresse, the finest French hen in the world. We've got three, three French hens.

Yes because, you know what? They are renowned for being tasty.

So, if it is fine dining and Michelin-starred flavours you're

looking for over the festive period, then this is it.

We're making three dishes, because with a bird this fine, you waste nothing. You'll even eat the cluck.

And we're doing chicken thighs stuffed with parsley and thyme,

citrus-crusted chicken breast, and a fantastic noodle soup.

Ideal if you're feeling like Billy Bloater after eating too much, or worse for wear after too much beer.

Over to you, Signor Butcher.

-I'll go and peel the carrots.

-Are you peeling carrots?

-You go and peel a chicken.

-I'll peel a chicken.

We're going to start by taking the legs and thighs off.

You can see where it falls away.

Then what you do, you turn it over with your thumbs, and you press and you pop out those thigh joints.

And then what we do is make a small incision there

to cut through the tendon.

I'm not a professional butcher, but I just love doing it, you know.

Now I'm going to show you how to butcher vegetables.

I'm not a professional butcher, but I just love it.

Let's start with carrots...

You make a chop there and off it pops.

Cut it there, cut it there and you find you have a carrot.

-Can be a tricky job, can't it, Kingy?

-What, peeling carrots!

While Dave struggles with the vegies, I'm removing the breast

and cutting away the drumstick from the thigh.

See that? That is the said thigh bone.

So, all we do is take the knife, which is a good thing for cutting with, then...just

pull the flesh away from the bone like that

until you get to a point where you can put your knife underneath the bone.

Just cut up towards the bone...

nice and gently, you don't have to be tough with it.

One boned thigh. How simple is that?

Come on, just give it a go.

Give it a go.

-That was brilliant.

-So, we have...

a drumstick that's going to go in to the soup, a carcass that's going to

go in to the soup, a lovely thigh and two lovely breasts.

-What an awesome, iconic place to cook.

-Yes. The Tyne Bridge.

The mighty Tyne. It's nice to be home.

Why don't geordies wear overcoats?

I don't know. I don't know.

Mind, there are a few satsumas running around the town on a Friday night, I tell you.

You know them tanning shops? The girls with false tan...

You see them, they're like DayGlo jackets.

You think, no, no, that's my tan!

'But enough about the locals.'

'Let's get on with this great winter soup.'

Right. Put the carcass in.

We'll have the wings in and the drumsticks in as well.

Leeks go in.

A couple of sticks of celery and don't forget the leaves.

While Kingy's work is cosmetic and beautiful, mine can be a bit

of a hatchet job, because I'm in it for flavour, not for beauty.

Ha! Ya-ha!

Bung that in. Just put some peppercorns in,

just whole peppercorns

and we're gonna make a little garnish with three or four bay leaves, a bunch of thyme...

Put the string on bear-like so.

It's like a little Christmas present full of flavour.

Just bring that to the boil. Let it simmer for at least two hours, preferably all day, really.

There's going to be pints and pints of lovely chicken noodle soup!

'So, whilst the chicken soup is on the go, it's time to get on with the stuffed chicken thighs.

'This stuffing is a classic lemon and parsley, lots of zesty flavours,

'herbs, breadcrumbs and all held together with an egg yolk.

'That's it, so it's over to you, Kingy.'

'Oh, that's gonna be great, man.

'Look at all those lovely flavours.

'It's making my mouth water just thinking about it!'

Now, the citrus crusted chicken breasts.

To start off, I'm gonna melt down some lardons and I want to sear

the chicken breasts, but I'm doing that in the bacon fat.

-It's super juicy.

-Ooh! Look at you and your posh lardons!

You can't beat a lardon for flavour, Kingy.

Whilst the lardons are sizzling away, I'm going to get on with the citrus rub for the chicken breast.

I'm combining lots of fruity flavours with a bit of thyme and garlic and seasoning to taste.

Now that the paste it is ready,

it's time to sear the chicken for a few minutes.

I only want it colouring. I don't want it fried through, I don't want it to get tough.

Put this on here ready for the oven.

I sincerely wish you could smell these.

-Abso-blooming-lutely!

-Oh!

So, just about a teaspoon of this paste.

Spread it on to the chicken breast.

We're not forgetting we've got that lovely bacon fat and lardon.

We're going to baste the chicken with that.

What we're going to get in the bottom of this dish is the most wonderful kind of drizzly juices.

'Then place in an oven for about 20 minutes.'

Wow! That stock's brilliant!

The stuffed chicken thighs are superb, the citrus breasts

-are grilling up, time to get the calling birds.

-Let's go.

To go with our three French hens, we need four calling birds.

And we know just the place to find them.

One of Newcastle's biggest call centres.

How's it going?

Hi, fellas.

We've been cooking down the quayside. Fancy a bit of chicken?

-Yeah!

-Come with me, madam.

-Hello!

-Hi there.

-How are you? Nice to meet you.

-Are you hungry?

-I am.

Excellent. Get your coat, come on, we're off.

-I'm cold!

-You look as though you're wanting for a good dinner.

-Oh, yes. Thank you.

-Do come with us.

-Hey, hiya!

-Hey, hiya!

-Are you all right?

Not bad, kid. How are you?

-I'm fine.

-You're not on a call, are you?

-Sorry.

-No, I'm not. No.

I didn't want to disturb. Come on, we're off.

-We're off?

-Well, you might as well.

We've poulet breast-three ways.

We've got chicken noodle soup, we've got the thighs...

Stuffed with stuffing!

And we've got the breasts with a citrus crust and latkes. Come on!

These birds are definitely worth a fine three-course meal.

-Alfresco, mind.

-And we're serving them the best chicken money can buy in three fabulous ways.

A fine chicken noodle soup, citrus-crusted chicken breast and chicken thighs stuffed

with parsley and thyme with potato latkes on the side.

Here we go. Four soups.

Madam.

-Lovely, thank you.

-You're very welcome, darling.

Well, bon apetito. I hope you like it.

SONG: Every Day Is Christmas

-What do you think?

-I think it's very nice, very tasty.

-It's lovely.

-The best soup I've ever had.

Right, time for the mains.

ALL: Wooh!

Here we go.

The other two dishes.

Have you tasted that breast?

-That is a lovely breast.

-Isn't it?

-What do you think, Lucy?

It's great. You can taste the difference.

-I'm a fan of Nando's, but you've done a good job.

-Thank you very much.

We're going to the Olympic Park in London, where 7,000 builders

are busy preparing the site for the main event in 2012.

And if you've been keeping up with us, you should be able to guess why.

There can be no more symbolic five golden rings

than the five Olympian rings. The rings that bind the world.

Yes, in that sort of swimmy sort of runny, shot-putty sort of way.

Yes. In honour of this, we are creating the five golden rings.

-Big pretzels!

-Giant pretzels.

Come on! And we've found five builders who have agreed to sing for their brekkie.

# Five gold rings! Four calling birds, three French hens

# Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. #

OK, look, they're not The Temptations,

but the crowd loved them.

Now, we've got something dead simple to go with our pretzels.

Because with all the rich food people tend to eat over Christmas,

you don't want to do extravagant things with your breakfast now, do you?

So, we've revived an old classic, corned beef hash, and combined

with the perfect poached egg, it's a great start to the day.

But first, the pretzels.

And like all good breads, it's how you begin which is key.

Good breads are done with a starter

or a poolish or a sponge, which is basically a kind of,

a fermenting gloop, which will make you have

a more tasty, chewier bread.

So take half a kilo of flour, bread flour.

Put it into a bowl.

Normally when we cook it's kind of like a bit of this, bit of that.

But baking, it's alchemy.

So to the half kilo of flour, sachet of dried yeast

and about 680, 700ml of warm water.

Just stir this till it's nice and smooth. Cover with cling film.

Leave this to one side in a draft-free place for about two, four, six, eight hours.

Whatever you fancy. Until it's all bubbled up.

It's a bit cold here. We might be here a while.

-Aye.

-Great. Shall we go for a wander?

Aye, I'm dying for a look round.

# Old Mr Pringle is soon going to jingle

# The bells that'll tingle all your troubles away. #

Look, dude, where hopes are dashed and dreams are made, look.

The Aquatic Centre, the 2012 Olympic village.

Come on, swim like you mean it, dude, swim.

That is going to be that.

-The Aquatic Centre.

-It's a wonderful feat of engineering, actually.

I mean, when you stand here and take in the scale of it, it's truly...

I kind of, I've got a flush of national pride, actually.

-Yes.

-Isn't it?

-Do you know, if you were in the Olympics, which event would you go for?

Shot put. What about you?

-Parallel bars.

-Pa, pa...

'That's in a parallel universe, mind you.'

'Anyway, from fantasy back to reality.'

Although you could spend a day marvelling

at the sites around the Olympic Park,

we've got a breakfast to cook for five strapping lads.

-Look at that.

-Have a look at this.

It is a living, breathing organism.

-Talk to me, talk to me!

-Wool-op, bloob-bloob, bloob-bloob.

I want to be in a giant pretzel, that's what I want.

After two hours, our bread starter has risen to a fermenting, globular mass.

Take the bowl like that.

Now put in another half kilo of flour.

Four teaspoons of salt. Just to temper that, a teaspoon of sugar.

So that's your dry goods.

Give that a whisk round.

-Just one tablespoon of olive oil.

-And that makes it chewy and ooh...

Now, look, this is the living, breathing beast.

You add that to the flour, the salt, the sugar, the olive-oil.

Now that a living, breathing beast is the centre of the universe at the minute.

It's life. We have created life.

So put your doo-dah down

and just let it work, to knead for seven minutes at a low speed.

So, after seven minutes

we have a nice ball of dough.

It is a soft dough, a workable dough.

With bread, the softer the dough, generally, the better the bread.

Look at that.

Over to you.

Shine a light!

Yes, look at that. It's a good way to tell, sticks to your palms.

How the bakers do it, they go like this.

Go on, mate. Go on.

And here is Barnes Wallis's bouncing bomb.

Don't play with your food.

Now there's enough dough there to make two giant pretzels.

So we need to roll that out, basically,

until it's the length of the table.

Now to tie a pretzel.

Yes, David.

Take that up like that.

Think like a tie.

Take it like that.

Figure-of-eight. Plop it down.

And what does that look like? A giant pretzel!

Cover it with cling film, and leave it to rest again for

about 20 minutes, half an hour, and it will indeed swell up even more.

And repeat said process five times.

Once the pretzels have risen, we are coating them with an eggy wash,

sprinkling poppy or sesame seeds on the top,

and finishing them off with a pinch of salt.

Now just bake them in a hot oven, 200-220 degrees centigrade for

about half an hour, until they are golden and just lush.

To make the corned beef hash, first we are caramelising an onion

in butter, then we are adding the potatoes and the corned beef

and letting them cook until crisp.

I tell you a good word for this - moulder.

You want your your corned beef hash to moulder away for about an hour.

Once the hash is cooked down, we are adding Worcester sauce,

parsley and seasoning to taste.

Now ladies and gentlemen, never ever

will your poached eggs go snotty or like Doctor Who monsters

ever again. Your poached eggs are going to be perfect.

To the poaching liquor water, add a small dash of vinegar.

You take the egg in its shell and you plunge this

in boiling water for 20 seconds.

So by plunging the egg into the boiling water

it just jellies it a little bit and it stops exploding.

Egg-sploding!

Egg-sactly!

Now break this into a saucer.

So give that water swirl as well to create a little whirlpool.

And look at that! All of the white bits, it's like a cyclonic effect,

are just wrapping round the yolk.

And you have an absolutely perfect poached egg.

-Hey, here we go, boys.

-Here you are, lads.

So, boys, what do you think of the corned beef hash?

-Lovely, mate.

-Lovely.

Right lads, no corned beef hash for you boys.

What do you think about the pretzels and the way the eggs are cooked?

-Very nice.

-Good. You can do us some more if you want.

Yeah, do some more, mate.

How's it going, Stevie?

Very nice, very nice.

-Where did that go?

-This bread is warm!

The pretzels were fantastic, the corned beef hash was brilliant, the eggs were perfect, the lads loved it.

That's breakfast sorted. What about the main event?

I mean, there's got to be an alternative to turkey.

Goose! We could have goose. I always want goose on Christmas Day and I never get it.

It's always a big argument in our house.

Well, I know a saucy old goose that I think's well worth a gander.

'Forget about trying to find six geese a-laying, Kingy -

'we're off to meet Mother Goose, the famous pantomime dame.'

# On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# Six geese a-laying, five go-old rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree. # Mwah!

'Ah, yes, dude, and I finally get to cook a traditional roast goose with all the trimmings.

'So if you fancy something different to turkey this year, goose is a great alternative.

'Ah, big frocks and food.

'What could be better?'

Oh, wow, this is magical.

All those Christmas pantos, all those glowing, rosy faces.

The tears, the laughter, dude.

Talking of which - goose, we've got one to cook.

We have, and we've also got its mother to meet.

Oooh...!

'Oh, I can't believe it, Si, we're meeting Mother Goose herself!

'Yes, one of the most famous panto dames.

'For the six geese a-laying, Mother Goose will be playing.

-'Oh, Gawd, he's off.

-'Well, it is panto.'

This has got to be the spookiest kitchen we've ever cooked in.

-Underneath the stage.

-It's full of theatricality,

the smell of greasepaint, the whiff of the limelight. It's all here.

-Goose.

-Goose.

Baste! Season!

Where's the salt, dude?

-It's behind you!

-Oh, man.

No, over there.

-You've got panto Tourette's, you!

-Oh, no, I haven't!

In the oven. Four hours.

'And it's that simple.

'Now, before we all tuck into our festive meal, Mother Goose is going to teach us how to be panto dames.

'It's frocks and make-up for us.

'Ooh, I've always wanted to dress up like Pat Butcher.'

Now, I couldn't decide which colour to give you, chuck, so you've got the lot.

That's better. Look at that.

Whatever happened to The Beverley Sisters, eh?

Forget your names, I'm going to give you panto names now.

Daveria and Simonella!

Oh, I'm so glad that you two are here, I've spent so long on my own.

It'll be the first Christmas I've had with company for ages.

Let's make some scones.

-Oh, no, I won't, I've no currants.

-I've got some, Mother.

-Where did you find these?

-I got them from behind the rabbit hutch!

Oh, you terrible tyke!

I've nothing left. I'm not Mother Goose any more, I'm Mother Hubbard.

Don't worry, Mother. We've got a fantastic festive feast.

Ooh!

APPLAUSE

-Ooh, should I carve?

-Ooh, you can be Mother.

-Beautiful, that.

-Look at that.

Crispy skin, breast.

I think we can cook better than we can panto.

I'll tell you what. Don't give up your day jobs, will you?

Very good.

-This is one tradition I love.

-Brilliant.

-I'll do that way.

-You do that ways.

-I'll get that one.

I'll do this way.

-ALL:

-One, two, three!

Ooh, Merry Christmas and I nearly lost my...Sycle.

'Even though I do love a frock, it's time for us to ditch the outfits.

'But we're keeping some of the leftover goose for our next dish.

'Now, for the next line in the song, seven swans a-swimming,

'we've struck it lucky, and we'll be lapping it up later.

'But first, there's another festive tradition that I want to take part in.

'And we've collected lots of goose fat just for the occasion.'

-I'm all pantoed up! I love that, it's brilliant!

-Right, what's next?

Seven swans a-swimming.

We've got the swans and the swimming. Fancy a swim?

Absolutely not. No. What?

You cover yourself in goose fat.

It's a great British Christmas tradition, from the Irish Sea to The Serpentine.

Everybody's doing it. Layer of goose fat, go for a swim.

-Absolutely not.

-Come on.

-No.

-Just a dip.

-I'll tell you what, though.

I will grease your bearings in a sort of goose grease sort of way.

And when you go in, I will stand on the side to see you don't drown,

-because it's health and safety, you see.

-Oh, I feel so safe.

Hurry up. Oh, man, there's loads of folk.

Keep me decent. Keep me decent.

You see, allegedly, it keeps you warm and you just don't feel the chill it's all.

You're mad. You're mad.

Now... So, no self-administration. Right.

I don't know how else to do it, dude.

God, that's cold.

Give us it here.

Lift your choller up. Ooh, my Gawd, it's like a self-basting turkey.

-Call me Butterball.

-Turn round. Turn round.

The thing is, people say that you lose most of the heat out of your head. Well, this isn't true.

You know where you lose most of the heat, don't you? I'll show you.

-Out your butt crack!

-Ahh!

Be all right.

-OK...

-Glasses.

-Right.

Go, dude, go!

See if it works!

It's lovely.

# Born free, as free as the wind blows...

It's supposed to be swans a-swimming, dude, elegant!

Lovely. You know?

-Does it work?

-No...

-Not really.

-Takes your breath away.

-I'm not surprised.

Have you got something nice to warm me up?

Don't worry, dude. It'll be ready for you when you come back.

Thank you.

It doesn't work.

'Over Christmas there's always leftovers.

'If you're clever, you can make something even more interesting and tasty than the original.

'And using leftovers is low-effort deliciousness.

'So, I'm going to prepare a leftover goose risotto.

'Ideal for Boxing Day lunch - or, if like Dave you've just frozen your bits off by taking a festive swim.'

'First, I'm sweating some onions in olive oil, and adding a few cloves of chopped garlic.

'After sauteing a small bowl of Arborio risotto rice,

'I'm adding hot vegetable stock,

'stirring all the time until the liquid is absorbed.'

Phwooar!

Talk about going south for the winter. Everything's gone north!

That smells great.

-Hey, man, it's smashing. Will you stick the mushers on for us?

-Yes.

'Whilst the mushrooms are cooking away, I'm adding green peppercorns which have been soaked in brine.

'Then, I'm going to keep adding the hot stock, and stirring until the rice is cooked.'

How are you feeling? Are you still frozen to the bone?

I'm feeling a bit kind of...clammy.

Did you get the goose grease off?

As much... But I tell you what, I won't need to moisturise for a bit.

-Yes.

-It's lovely, because the green peppercorns have just gone through the rice of the risotto.

The risotto, you don't want a bite to it, you don't want it al dente, not in our opinion anyway.

Some people like it, we don't. But you want it to still have a structure.

The rice grain to still have a structure - when you bite through it, it's just soft.

It is al punto. Just at that point.

Stir the mushrooms in.

Oh, yes!

-Goose!

-Goose!

What we're going to do, we'll put the goose in and what we're doing is

we want to keep the integrity of the grain, so we're folding it in.

We're not stirring it in, we're folding it. OK?

Parmesan cheese, a good Parmesan.

Pecorino's good as well, if you don't want it quite so sharp.

I think it's about ready for some butter.

Lovely.

To finally finish it off, some fresh herbs.

Got some sage, some tarragon, some chives,

some parsley, basically anything you've got in your window box.

That's it. That's your risotto. It's done, it's finished.

Just serve that with a really, really nice salad.

# On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# Seven swans a-swimming... #

'But after such a gorgeous meal, it's time for us to conclude our search for seven swans a-swimming.'

-Come on, mate.

-Let's go, dude.

-There's nothing like a good pint at the end of a perfect day.

-You're not wrong.

# And a partridge in a pear tree... #

-Just the job.

-Hello, lads.

-Steve, how are you?

We're here for a purpose, aren't we?

This is our Severn Swans, and pretty soon we're going to be swimming in it(!)

I...am going to be swimming in it.

You however, are playing Rudolph, and driving.

Severn Swans A-Swimming Ale. Cheers.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas. Cheers.

# On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying

# Five go-old rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree. #

Beautiful! Beautiful.

-That'll do for me.

-It's better than the jukebox, dude.

'The next stage of our musically inspired odyssey has brought us to rural Gloucestershire.

'And the next line of the song...

# On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# Eight maids a-milking... #

'..has inspired us to come up with a great alternative to the traditional Christmas pud.

'Big slabs of Christmas pud after turkey and all the trimmings aren't everybody's cup of tea.

'So we've created a spicy pannacotta, made with raisins and festive spices.

'Yes, mate, it's got all those Christmassy flavours but it's modern, light and sexy!

-'Bit like us, dude.

-'But the key ingredient is lots and lots of fresh cream.'

Yee-ha, partner! Oh, there's only one place to go for cream.

That's our Jess. It's the best there is, man.

'Jess helps run the family farm, and she's lots of lovely dairy cows which she calls her ladies.'

# Eight maids a-milking... #

-Well, we've got one.

-I know, but she's a belter.

Absolutely. It's our Jess. How big's your farm, Jess?

-It's 220 acres.

-Are you married?

-No, no, not yet!

-You are now!

-It's a rural idyll, isn't it?

-It is a gorgeous place, yeah.

-What makes good milk and cream, Jess?

I think, as fresh as you can get.

Cows that are happy, graze in pasture in the summer,

and in the barns in the winter but on clover silage.

Happy cows make good milk. The ladies here are very happy.

'And those happy ladies make great cream, so let's go and produce pudding perfection.'

Look! Behind you.

And there's the ladies who make this all possible.

Merry Christmas, girls! And thank you for your donation.

And this is what we're using, liquid gold.

If this was oil...that'd be Texas.

Start off with about 500ml, a pint in old money, of the girls' finest.

-It's just so luxurious.

-Look at the way that pours.

It's so Christmas.

Our trick with the pannacotta, just to give it that little extra Christmas feel to it, is some rum.

Now, how do we apply the rum, I hear you cry?

-What are they?

-With raisins. Rum and raisins, classic combination.

Pour in a little bit of rum, just to rehydrate those raisins.

-Look at that.

-If you leave them for an hour or two, they'll swell up.

And they'll be huge. Little balls of flavour bombs.

And then when you bite into them, they release that sweet...

If you're worried about the alcohol, you can rehydrate them with orange juice,

if you're non-alcoholic or you don't want your kids to have a bit of rum.

Gelatine. We found out, by great experimentation, trial, tribulation, 3.5 sheets of gelatine works well.

Put 3.5 sheets in some cold water until it goes flaccid.

By flaccid we mean, gets a bit of a wobble on. Soft, loose.

While we're waiting for that to go...

-let's put the cream on to warm.

-Why not?

-What does pannacotta mean?

It means "cooked cream", you know!

When we invented this dish, we thought, what are the flavours of Christmas? We thought...

ginger.

It's got to be, hasn't it?

A bit of ginge, warming spice, nice on those cold nights.

Ground allspice. For that perfect Christmas puddingesque-ness.

Do you know, I think this is our best dish we've ever done.

It's simple enough, isn't it?

But we've done some belters.

Cinnamon.

And nutmeg. Freshly grated.

You're going to get a lovely speckle in your pannacotta.

To the speckle, add four tablespoons of caster sugar.

Uno...

Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen!

The cream, the Christmas spices, the sugar are coming to a boil.

It needs to come to a boil.

Don't forget, you need to simmer it nice and gently for three minutes.

Take it off the heat, then put the gelatine in.

The gelatine...is now limp.

Look at that. And just pour that in.

Now, just bung in the rum-soaked raisins.

And seeing as Dave's driving,

and I'm on the back being Santa Claus...

You've earned it. That is going to be good.

Leave that out for Santa.

You know - at Christmas Eve, with his carrot?

That's well mixed, isn't it? We just need to fill the moulds.

It can be a mould of choice, it can be non-stick, sticky. We'll show you how to get them out.

But these are just classic moulds, nothing fancy.

Just the ones you use for steak and kidney puddings.

-Look at the texture of this.

-It's like Anaglypta.

The raisins have gone to the bottom of the jug.

We will rake them out and distribute them evenly.

Remember, these are flavour bombs.

Look at that... Oh, man.

Now, just let that cool completely.

Stick it in the fridge.

It'll set solid, and honestly, if you cook nothing else this Christmas

you've seen on the telly, please cook this one. It's brilliant.

Oh, and into the fridge!

'Now, once the pannacotta has set, put hot water in a bowl and place the moulds in the water.

'Leave for a few seconds so the pannacotta becomes loose, and then serve.

'We're trying out this fantastic dish on Jess, her dad and a friend

'to see if they too are bowled over by our gorgeous festive pudding.'

Here we go. The spicy Christmas rum and raisin pannacotta. Let me know what you think.

-Lovely job.

-Made with your cream!

Absolutely beautiful.

So, do you think that's a good alternative to your regular Christmas pudding?

-Definitely.

-Definitely. Lighter after you've eaten too much at Christmas.

-It's rich and delicious...

-I'm glad you said that.

Cos you're all set next to the well.

"What do you mean you didn't like it?!"

I think it's got the lot. It's got the spices, it's got the rum and raisins...

It's amazing, probably cos it's cooked by you guys,

or because it's used our cream. Do you think it made a difference?

I think it does. The dish is pretty simple to prepare.

-Yeah.

-It's good, if you just buy the best ingredients you can afford.

And it does make a difference.

'Now at Christmas, after dessert, comes the entertainment!'

# On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

-# Eight maids a-milking

-# Seven swans a-swimming... #

'Don't laugh, you lot! Even the Cheeky Girls made it to the charts.

'Sadly, it's time to bid farewell.'

# On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

-# Nine ladies dancing

-# Eight maids a-milking

-# Seven swans a-swimming

-Six geese a-laying

# Five gold rings... #

Oh, that's better! Drank too much milk.

Never mind, Si - off we go up to Sunderland, where there's lords a-leaping, and ladies dancing!

No, dude, actually we're not.

-Why ever not?

-Well, because we've already filmed it.

Yeah, but they'll never know.

I know, but you can't deceive wor viewing public, can you!?

Si, they'll never realise.

But they will, because we filmed it

before I had my accident, before I had my limp,

-and I was forced to, you know...

-So?

What's your plan then, smartarse?

Right. What we do, we head to Scotland for a grand festive finale.

And in the true traditions of all good food programmes,

here's one we filmed earlier.

-Oh, yes, man!

-Great theatre, Sunderland Empire.

All the major rock acts have been here, dude.

Aye, Gracie Fields. Max Miller.

No, man, no!

Zeppelin, Free, Hendrix, the lot.

But now, it's the Lord Of The Dance's turn.

Feet Of Flames!

-And - we're cooking. They're going to be hungry.

-They are.

'Michael Flatley's Lord Of The Dance are on tour and are performing here tonight.

'That has allowed us to find nine ladies dancing, and ten foot-stomping lords a-leaping.

'The ninth and tenth lines of the song.'

# On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

-# Ten lords a-leaping

-# Nine ladies dancing... #

'Now we're going to cook a Christmassy beef and ale stew with a leek colcannon.

'This is a hearty dish you can leave to slow-cook, so you can have a lazy day recovering

'after all of that partying you've done over the festive period.'

-Oh... Man.

-I'm so looking forward to this.

I love them. They fly across the stage.

I know. It's levitation, dude. On a Celtic scale.

Let's see the critters fly after they've eaten this.

-He'll be like Dumbo trying to take off.

-Jet power.

What we're going to cook for them, it's like an Irish stew.

I know it's a bit of a cliche with the Lord Of The Dance, but at Christmas...

And we've done our colcannon.

Instead of cabbages and spring onions, we're using leeks.

So it's a leek colcannon.

We're going to poach the leeks for the colcannon in some milk.

Now, in true Delia fashion, like how to boil a potato...

top tip - poach your potatoes, don't boil them.

You do get a fluffier mash.

We're bringing it to the boil. Two minutes, three minutes? And then just leave it.

Right, step one in the Feet Of Flames stew is seasoned flour.

-A plastic bag of humble flour.

-I'll put the oil in.

We're going to heat the oil up because what we're doing...

David's going to show you a trick about how to put

an even coating of seasoned flour all over your meat.

Take bully beef - not too much at a time - put it in a plastic bag

and give it a shake.

# In a one-horse open sleigh... # Are you getting it?

Cos the flour and the seasoning will flavour the beef,

give it a nice golden coating, it also will thicken the stew.

'Whilst the beef is sizzling away, we're sweating down a chopped onion

'and some tomato paste before adding this to the meat.

'Then, deglaze the pan with some lovely Christmas ale.'

Deglaze - you know all those flavours we've cooked in this pan,

we're just going to take them off with a bit of moisture, which is our lovely ale.

See all that! Look at that lovely elixir of flavour.

Beef and ale, it's a real kind of classic accompaniment -

beef and ale pie, a stew or just a pint of ale with your beef.

'Next, we're adding carrots and some chopped celery.'

Beef stock! Comfortable, luxurious, lovely food.

Ooh. Look at that.

And to this - some raisins for that Christmas pudding vibe.

And what's lovely about it is once you've put them in,

they'll plump up and you get that little hint of sweetness

at the back of the beef. It's lovely!

Another great thing for flavour...

caraway seeds - about a teaspoon.

And that's it.

Put a lid on, and that's one of the best stews you'll ever taste.

We can get the colcannon ready.

'To finish the colcannon is dead easy, and because we've poached our potatoes

'the mash has a lovely velvety texture.

'This is truly wonderful comfort food.'

It's time to dance. This time, it's not Michael Flatley - it's going to be us.

# Christmas time will soon be over, Christmas time will soon be over

# Christmas time will soon be over, then we'll join the band... #

That's it!

ALL: Oi!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

-Oh, sweet Jesus!

-That was easy(!)

-It's hard work that, isn't it?

What do you reckon? A couple of months' training, are we up for it?

I think you're ready for the show tonight.

Cheers. Dude, leg it!

'Oh, I don't know about you, Kingy, but I'm cream crackered!

'It's a good thing cooking's not that energetic, dude.

'We're just not ready for all this leaping about on a stage.

'But it's time for us to put the finishing touches to our Feet Of Flame beef stew and leek colcannon.

'For a touch of Christmas, we're adding chestnuts to our stew

'and parsley as a garnish.

'The only thing left to see is what our ladies and lords think of our wonderful yuletide treat.'

Come on, gang! Grub's up!

Come on, team!

Ladies first, gentlemen, ladies first.

This is it, dude. We were born to be dinner ladies, us!

-Sir!

-Thank you.

-How is it, girls? All right?

-Yeah.

-Your show will be at half speed tonight.

-It's good.

So, everybody's eaten?

-Everybody's happy? You like it? ALL:

-Yeah.

-Good.

# Christmas time will soon be over, Christmas time will soon be over

# Christmas time will soon be over, then we'll join the band... #

'I hope you all enjoyed that.

'Yeah. I wish I could leap about like that now, you know!

'Anyway, we've arrived in Scotland and we're heading for Elkie's house in Craigellachie.

'And Kingy, aren't these surroundings fantastic?

'Absolutely, dude. It's a fitting location for a grand occasion.'

# We've got that Christmassy feeling again... #

Phwooar! We're here.

It's time for our Highland fling.

Two days to Christmas left. But the big 'uns!

There are, dude. And there's a lot of food to prepare. Let's get on!

# There's happiness in my heart

# With Christmas on its way

# With the family all back together again

# Oh, what a happy day... #

'For our festive finale, we've decided to prepare

'all the dishes that we've made throughout our travels and have one big bash.

'If you remember the last two lines of the song, you'll know we've got a lot of mouths to feed.'

# Joy to the world and here comes Santa Claus... #

-That's what you call a Christmas feast.

-Look at that!

Cheers! Merry Christmas.

The Twelve Days of Christmas on the table.

'That's right, dude. Christmas isn't just one day.

'That's why we've created lots of delicious dishes that can be enjoyed throughout the festive season.

'Yes. For Christmas, Boxing Day, right through to the New Year.

'And, you can find out about them all on the BBC website.'

Mmm...

Ssh. It's Santa!

No, man, it's not Santa. It's our guests. They're here!

-SOUND OF BAGPIPES

-Come on!

BAND PLAYS "SCOTLAND THE BRAVE"

-Merry Christmas!

-Fantastic!

Fantastic!

# We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas a happy new year... #

-Who shouted "sausage"?

-Me(!)

# ..to you and your kin

# Good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year

# Oh, bring us some figgy pudding... #

What about the pickled pears?

The pears are excellent, Dave. Really good.

That's our pears with the partridge. A partridge in a pear tree.

You boys are clever.

Do you not want to come to my house and make this for me for Christmas Day?

We could - but d'you know what? We're not going to.

# ..we wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year... #

-Guys, when you've finished dinner, can you do us a favour?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Well, we've got the 12 drummers drumming, the 11 pipers piping so... can you play us out?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

BAND PLAYS "THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS"

MUSIC STOPS 'Hang on to your reindeer, dude. What about the other people we met?

'I know! I'll tell you what. We should start again and include them all.

'Yeah, why not? It'd be lush.'

BAND RESUMES PLAYING

-# Ten lords a-leaping

-# Nine ladies dancing

-# Eight maids a-milking

-# Seven swans a-swimming

-# Six geese a-laying

-# Five go-old rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree. #

-BOTH:

-Merry Christmas!

Wa-hey!

# Magic moments

# Memories we've been sharing

# Magic moments

# When two hearts are caring

# Magic moments

# Filled with love. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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