The Hairy Bikers' Twelve Days of Christmas


The Hairy Bikers' Twelve Days of Christmas

A madcap journey through the verses of one of the most popular Christmas songs. For each line, the boys have come up with a fantastic twist on a classic Christmas dish.


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Transcript


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Blimey - strike a light! It's that time of year again.

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It's the Hairy Bikers' Christmas Special.

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Dear fellow, let's immerse ourselves in the British tradition that's Christmas!

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Mr Scrooge, you know, I might do this one

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as a loveable, cheeky, Cockney chappy.

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I however, dear fellow, will not.

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Whatever! But you lot, please come along

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and join us on our festive romp.

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Fun, food and frolics await.

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-That is....

-The Hairy Bikers' 12 Days of Christmas!

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# On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me

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# A partridge in a pear tree

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# On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me

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# Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. #

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Whoa! Back to reality. I couldn't keep that up for long.

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Good Lord, dear fellow, no!

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It's our Christmas special. We'll be doing some fantastic food.

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And we will be enlisting the help of some very special people.

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The food and people are both inspired

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by the carol that is the Twelve Days of Christmas.

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We will be preparing a festive feast with a wonderful array of

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fantastic dishes. But it's not your traditional Christmas fare.

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-Well, no, cos we are the Hairy Bikers.

-Born to be wild, dude.

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-Well, our hair is anyway!

-That stock is brilliant.

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All the fantastic dishes are ideal to be cooked over

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the entire festive season. Not just for Christmas Day.

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That is a lovely breast.

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Thank you very much.

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As well as cooking, we will also be taking part in some of the best traditions of Christmas.

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Family, fun and fantastic food.

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Here, Mr Myers, we start in the wonder that his Norwich.

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-And obviously we are going to be meeting Delia.

-No, we are not.

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-Tricia?

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No. Alan Partridge, dude. Partridge in a pear tree.

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First line of the song.

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But I have a confession. We are not actually meeting the real Alan Partridge.

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Why not? The combed over hair look and craps sweaters are making quite a comeback.

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Because we are meeting the man who was inspiration for Alan Partridge, allegedly.

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It's Radio Norfolk's cult-jock, Wally Webb.

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Dancing on the ceiling by Lionel Ritchie, he's obviously bought those boots with the Velcro on.

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Dear viewers, we've had a spot of bother.

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I've had an accident.

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'I came off my bike.'

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Which is why we are on a trike.

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I feel like Rudolph shepherding around a white bearded Santa.

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Dude, let's go with the Dastardly and Mutley thing,

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it's a bit more rock'n'roll.

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HE IMITATES MUTLEY

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We're cooking our first dish for the real Alan Partridge.

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That's lush, Kingy!

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We've decided to get into character and dress in sports casuals.

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It's in homage to Norwich's famous DJ.

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I tell you what you look like, dude.

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You look like a stick of candyfloss and I look like a fruit bonbon.

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-It's not good.

-Mate, you so look like Noel Edmonds

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in his Noel's Full House days with the highlights,

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white beard, dead ringer.

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-Well, we're cooking.

-Ah-ha.

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# ..My true love sent to me, a partridge in a pear tree... #

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The first line of the song has inspired us to create

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a fabulous roast partridge dish to be served with pickled pears.

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Dude, Partridge is a great alternative to the traditional Christmas bird.

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Its succulent and juicy and feeds much smaller numbers than

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a goose or turkey, so it's ideal for those small celebratory meals

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over the festive period.

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The dish starts with the sweating down of a shallot or a humble onion. This is the base for the stuffing.

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Sausage meat, bread crumbs and chestnuts, cos it's Christmas.

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Chestnuts roasting on your open fire.

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Jack Frost nibbling at your toes.

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I don't know what's after that.

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-And forget-me-nots.

-Merry Christmas everyone.

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And now some dried apricots.

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At Christmas you use a lot of dried fruit.

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It was like a Tudor thing for opulence.

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You put whatever you had just to celebrate and make things richer and more lush.

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Add to this four sage leaves.

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We are both fervent believers in eating game.

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It's out in the wild, it's natural, it's healthy.

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Posh Folk have game.

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Wearing hats like this.

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Then they go out banging things.

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You, there, shoot that bird. It's great.

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This stuffing will draw the flavour from the Partridge

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and the Partridge will take flavour from the stuffing. It's like us,

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we help each other, we live together.

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We don't live together! When we did live together?

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On the road, you know what I mean, not living that way.

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Now we've got wives and stuff.

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-There you are.

-Thank you.

-You partridge plucker.

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Now, you may look at this withered specimen and it doesn't immediately

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say, "Eat me", but soon it's going to look brilliant.

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Now there is no way they are going to end up dried out.

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They're moist inside, they have loads of butter, they are wrapped in bacon.

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Every bit of it apart from the bones is going to be yum-yum, hubba-hubba.

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And they're going into the oven.

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That's about 180 degrees for about 40-45 minutes.

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But don't overcook them or they will be like kind of cremated sparrows.

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'Now to go with the special partridge, we're making fondant potatoes.

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'They have a gorgeous, rich texture and they're

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'one of the most luxurious ways to cook the humble spud.

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'We're frying the rounds in butter for a rich flavour,

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'then we're turning them over, and adding stock,

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'crushed garlic, and some thyme.

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'After seasoning, we are covering the fondants and allowing them to

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'simmer gently until the potato is cooked through.'

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Partridges done. They take about 45 minutes.

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So, pickled pears.

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We want to keep the pear stalk here.

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So start from the stalk, work your way down.

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White wine vinegar, loads. Bring that to the boil.

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Some water, because we don't want it too vinegary.

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To that, we add some sugar.

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'Then I'm adding some cloves, allspice,

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'juniper berries and star anise.'

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A couple of cinnamon sticks. And bring that lot to the boil.

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They'll take about five minutes until they just go soft.

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Now, this commonly known as a kilner jar, or a preserve jar, whatever you fancy.

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You need to sterilise this before you can pickle anything.

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Put the pears in, try to get them to stand up if you can.

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-You want them well packed, don't you?

-You do. Look at that.

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Put the cinnamon in. And just to finish it off, just put a sprig of

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rosemary into the jar which is just going to flavour them beautifully.

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'After a week, these will be ready to eat, but the longer you leave them, the better they will taste'.

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-There you go, mate. Merry Christmas.

-Yes, Merry Christmas.

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They're fabulous. What's great is, the pears have taken on all of those spices,

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and it's soft, and its sweet, and it sour.

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It still tastes like pear, but it's undoubtedly a pickle.

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That one is a dynamite winner.

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'These pickled pears are a greater accompaniment to the rich gamey flavours

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'of the partridge, and combined with some fresh vegetables,

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'this dish is a wonderful Christmas treat.

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'And don't forget, the recipe for all the dishes on tonight's show

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are available online.

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Now all we have got to do is plate up,

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because any minute now our honoured guest, Wally Webb, will be here.

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-That's him.

-Who?

-The legend that is.

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-Hello, Wally. Pleased to meet you.

-I'm Si. How are you?

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-All right, Si.

-You're a Mod!

-Yeah.

-You've got a Lambretta.

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-Yeah.

-I mean, that's pretty cool.

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That's a '66, World Cup year.

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-You're the only partridge that we know in Norwich, and we've cooked one.

-Step this way.

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-OK.

-There he is, Wally.

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Our first festive feast.

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-You've done this for me?

-We certainly have.

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It is a well-stuffed partridge.

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Very well presented too, I might say.

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Pickled pear with fondant, carrots and peas.

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We'd like to know your verdict.

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-It's jolly.

-Isn't it? Isn't it just.

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It's a party, a Christmas party in your gob.

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-It's like having tinsel in your mouth.

-What a fella.

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-Now the only thing he is, there's no such thing as a free lunch.

-Right?

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So what we need to do, we need to get you and the assembled throng to sing

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the first few lines...

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-Of?

-The Twelve Days of Christmas.

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# On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me,

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# A partridge in a pear tree. #

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'Ouch! I think Wally should stick to playing records

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rather than singing.'

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'But, dude, we are off to a flyer. One down, 11 to go.'

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Now for the next line, we are not going to be roasting turtle doves.

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We are fans of game, but that's going a bit far.

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No, turtle doves are a symbol of love.

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And this has inspired us to cook a romantic meal for our

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nearest and dearest, and yes, people,

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these ladies are our real true loves.

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# Two turtle doves and a partridge... Oh! #

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They haven't learnt their lines yet, but it's great to have them on the telly with us.

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# Magic

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# Moments

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# When two hearts are sharing

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# I'll never forget the moment we met, she nicked me wallet. #

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-Dude, not any more though.

-No, now we've got a couple of belters here.

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-And they are due soon, and we are doing something wonderful with our leftovers.

-We are.

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Christmas is a time of love, isn't it?

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And one of the nicest things in the world is making food for the people you love.

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Basically, what we are going to show is where you have leftover turkey, leftover ham, leftover cold cuts,

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-you can make really quick, tasty samosas.

-And leftover grannies.

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If you want your granny to go home, say that you'll put her into a samosa and she'll

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-be off on her Zimmer frame, up the drive.

-Not that we're promoting cannibalism.

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The first thing we have to do is basically put bits in a bowl and make the filling.

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What's this? It's a bowl.

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And this is two bits. A couple of leftover old fondants. I am going to dice those.

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I think we should just put it all in.

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It seems just like a waste not to put it all in.

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You can do what you want.

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-It's Christmas!

-I love that.

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These orange things, surprisingly, are carrots.

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You don't want them mushy, so only part-boil them and chop them nice and fine.

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Everything is nice and fine.

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Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the odd diced carrot.

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It wouldn't. It wouldn't.

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Whenever you are making samosas,

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potatoes always do seem to play a part.

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They take flavour in from the curry powder and they bulk it out a bit.

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But fondants, because they have been cooked in butter and stock, these are rich samosas. Romantic samosas.

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I'm going to put three teaspoons of curry powder in.

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For making a samosa, don't bother making your own pastry.

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We've kind of got two types we commonly use.

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One is the French brik pastry, which I think gives a better finish.

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It's more like a proper samosa pastry.

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Or, a good old packet of filo pastry.

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Tends to come up a bit Greek, but it's not bad.

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For extra richness, we paint that with butter.

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A samosa is rather like toilet paper.

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It can be either two-ply or three-ply.

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We will go for two-ply, so it is two-ply with butter in the middle.

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And you know why? Because it gives it a velvet finish.

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So you put it into the corner like so and fold it over.

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And as we roll, those open ends are being sealed.

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And there is the shape we love. Passing over to the eggy wash department.

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Eggy wash department?

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-That'll need lots of eggy wash, that.

-Oh, doesn't it?

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-I feel it could unroll.

-And you don't want that with your samosa.

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You don't want it to unroll.

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No, because then it would be like a waffle.

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But these are lovely for a party of people coming round.

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It's easy, its finger food, it's not challenging and it's not formal.

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You just get tucked in.

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Come on, my darling.

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Look, we've got little gems of loveliness everywhere.

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So, ladies, Christmas is a time of love. What's the food of love?

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-I think, for me, it has to be lobster.

-D'you think?

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-Yeah.

-You are keen on a lobby, aren't you, kid?

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I love the way you do it.

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You can make me happy cooking me pig trotters.

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You get pigs trotters, I get ruddy lobster!

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No wonder I'm skint!

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Thanks, love. It's going to be a great Christmas.

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-I know.

-Let's be pulling of the crackerness.

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# We wish you a merry Christmas

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# We wish you a merry Christmas

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# We wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year. #

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Yeah! I've got one!

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Look at you, you ended up with two.

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Get your hats on! Get your hats on!

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Look at that, dude, quality hat.

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Oh, I'm going to miss our two little turtle doves.

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I know, they're gorgeous, aren't they?

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'But we are on a mission, and the open road beckons.'

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Next we are heading north to the land where girls have

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corned beef legs and wear nowt on a night out, my home city of Newcastle.

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And we've set up our kitchen on the quayside,

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next to one of the most iconic landmarks of the city,

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the Tyne Bridge.

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# Alouette, gentille Alouette.

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# Alouette, je te plumerai. #

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The French poulet bresse, the finest French hen in the world. We've got three, three French hens.

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Yes because, you know what? They are renowned for being tasty.

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So, if it is fine dining and Michelin-starred flavours you're

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looking for over the festive period, then this is it.

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We're making three dishes, because with a bird this fine, you waste nothing. You'll even eat the cluck.

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And we're doing chicken thighs stuffed with parsley and thyme,

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citrus-crusted chicken breast, and a fantastic noodle soup.

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Ideal if you're feeling like Billy Bloater after eating too much, or worse for wear after too much beer.

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Over to you, Signor Butcher.

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-I'll go and peel the carrots.

-Are you peeling carrots?

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-You go and peel a chicken.

-I'll peel a chicken.

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We're going to start by taking the legs and thighs off.

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You can see where it falls away.

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Then what you do, you turn it over with your thumbs, and you press and you pop out those thigh joints.

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And then what we do is make a small incision there

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to cut through the tendon.

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I'm not a professional butcher, but I just love doing it, you know.

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Now I'm going to show you how to butcher vegetables.

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I'm not a professional butcher, but I just love it.

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Let's start with carrots...

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You make a chop there and off it pops.

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Cut it there, cut it there and you find you have a carrot.

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-Can be a tricky job, can't it, Kingy?

-What, peeling carrots!

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While Dave struggles with the vegies, I'm removing the breast

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and cutting away the drumstick from the thigh.

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See that? That is the said thigh bone.

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So, all we do is take the knife, which is a good thing for cutting with, then...just

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pull the flesh away from the bone like that

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until you get to a point where you can put your knife underneath the bone.

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Just cut up towards the bone...

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nice and gently, you don't have to be tough with it.

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One boned thigh. How simple is that?

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Come on, just give it a go.

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Give it a go.

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-That was brilliant.

-So, we have...

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a drumstick that's going to go in to the soup, a carcass that's going to

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go in to the soup, a lovely thigh and two lovely breasts.

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-What an awesome, iconic place to cook.

-Yes. The Tyne Bridge.

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The mighty Tyne. It's nice to be home.

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Why don't geordies wear overcoats?

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I don't know. I don't know.

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Mind, there are a few satsumas running around the town on a Friday night, I tell you.

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You know them tanning shops? The girls with false tan...

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You see them, they're like DayGlo jackets.

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You think, no, no, that's my tan!

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'But enough about the locals.'

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'Let's get on with this great winter soup.'

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Right. Put the carcass in.

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We'll have the wings in and the drumsticks in as well.

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Leeks go in.

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A couple of sticks of celery and don't forget the leaves.

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While Kingy's work is cosmetic and beautiful, mine can be a bit

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of a hatchet job, because I'm in it for flavour, not for beauty.

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Ha! Ya-ha!

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Bung that in. Just put some peppercorns in,

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just whole peppercorns

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and we're gonna make a little garnish with three or four bay leaves, a bunch of thyme...

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Put the string on bear-like so.

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It's like a little Christmas present full of flavour.

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Just bring that to the boil. Let it simmer for at least two hours, preferably all day, really.

0:16:570:17:02

There's going to be pints and pints of lovely chicken noodle soup!

0:17:020:17:06

'So, whilst the chicken soup is on the go, it's time to get on with the stuffed chicken thighs.

0:17:060:17:11

'This stuffing is a classic lemon and parsley, lots of zesty flavours,

0:17:110:17:14

'herbs, breadcrumbs and all held together with an egg yolk.

0:17:140:17:19

'That's it, so it's over to you, Kingy.'

0:17:190:17:22

'Oh, that's gonna be great, man.

0:17:220:17:24

'Look at all those lovely flavours.

0:17:240:17:26

'It's making my mouth water just thinking about it!'

0:17:260:17:28

Now, the citrus crusted chicken breasts.

0:17:280:17:33

To start off, I'm gonna melt down some lardons and I want to sear

0:17:330:17:36

the chicken breasts, but I'm doing that in the bacon fat.

0:17:360:17:39

-It's super juicy.

-Ooh! Look at you and your posh lardons!

0:17:390:17:45

You can't beat a lardon for flavour, Kingy.

0:17:450:17:47

Whilst the lardons are sizzling away, I'm going to get on with the citrus rub for the chicken breast.

0:17:470:17:52

I'm combining lots of fruity flavours with a bit of thyme and garlic and seasoning to taste.

0:17:520:17:57

Now that the paste it is ready,

0:17:570:18:00

it's time to sear the chicken for a few minutes.

0:18:000:18:03

I only want it colouring. I don't want it fried through, I don't want it to get tough.

0:18:030:18:08

Put this on here ready for the oven.

0:18:080:18:10

I sincerely wish you could smell these.

0:18:100:18:13

-Abso-blooming-lutely!

-Oh!

0:18:130:18:15

So, just about a teaspoon of this paste.

0:18:150:18:17

Spread it on to the chicken breast.

0:18:170:18:21

We're not forgetting we've got that lovely bacon fat and lardon.

0:18:210:18:25

We're going to baste the chicken with that.

0:18:250:18:27

What we're going to get in the bottom of this dish is the most wonderful kind of drizzly juices.

0:18:270:18:32

'Then place in an oven for about 20 minutes.'

0:18:320:18:36

Wow! That stock's brilliant!

0:18:360:18:38

The stuffed chicken thighs are superb, the citrus breasts

0:18:380:18:42

-are grilling up, time to get the calling birds.

-Let's go.

0:18:420:18:45

To go with our three French hens, we need four calling birds.

0:18:450:18:49

And we know just the place to find them.

0:18:490:18:52

One of Newcastle's biggest call centres.

0:18:530:18:55

How's it going?

0:18:550:18:57

Hi, fellas.

0:18:570:18:59

We've been cooking down the quayside. Fancy a bit of chicken?

0:19:030:19:06

-Yeah!

-Come with me, madam.

0:19:060:19:08

-Hello!

-Hi there.

-How are you? Nice to meet you.

0:19:080:19:11

-Are you hungry?

-I am.

0:19:120:19:14

Excellent. Get your coat, come on, we're off.

0:19:140:19:16

-I'm cold!

-You look as though you're wanting for a good dinner.

0:19:160:19:20

-Oh, yes. Thank you.

-Do come with us.

0:19:200:19:23

-Hey, hiya!

-Hey, hiya!

-Are you all right?

0:19:230:19:26

Not bad, kid. How are you?

0:19:260:19:28

-I'm fine.

-You're not on a call, are you?

0:19:280:19:30

-Sorry.

-No, I'm not. No.

0:19:300:19:31

I didn't want to disturb. Come on, we're off.

0:19:310:19:34

-We're off?

-Well, you might as well.

0:19:340:19:37

We've poulet breast-three ways.

0:19:370:19:39

We've got chicken noodle soup, we've got the thighs...

0:19:390:19:42

Stuffed with stuffing!

0:19:420:19:44

And we've got the breasts with a citrus crust and latkes. Come on!

0:19:440:19:47

These birds are definitely worth a fine three-course meal.

0:19:500:19:53

-Alfresco, mind.

-And we're serving them the best chicken money can buy in three fabulous ways.

0:19:530:19:59

A fine chicken noodle soup, citrus-crusted chicken breast and chicken thighs stuffed

0:19:590:20:06

with parsley and thyme with potato latkes on the side.

0:20:060:20:09

Here we go. Four soups.

0:20:090:20:13

Madam.

0:20:130:20:14

-Lovely, thank you.

-You're very welcome, darling.

0:20:150:20:19

Well, bon apetito. I hope you like it.

0:20:190:20:22

SONG: Every Day Is Christmas

0:20:220:20:26

-What do you think?

-I think it's very nice, very tasty.

0:20:260:20:30

-It's lovely.

-The best soup I've ever had.

0:20:300:20:33

Right, time for the mains.

0:20:330:20:34

ALL: Wooh!

0:20:350:20:37

Here we go.

0:20:370:20:40

The other two dishes.

0:20:400:20:41

Have you tasted that breast?

0:20:500:20:52

-That is a lovely breast.

-Isn't it?

-What do you think, Lucy?

0:20:520:20:55

It's great. You can taste the difference.

0:20:550:20:57

-I'm a fan of Nando's, but you've done a good job.

-Thank you very much.

0:20:570:21:00

We're going to the Olympic Park in London, where 7,000 builders

0:21:160:21:19

are busy preparing the site for the main event in 2012.

0:21:190:21:22

And if you've been keeping up with us, you should be able to guess why.

0:21:220:21:27

There can be no more symbolic five golden rings

0:21:370:21:40

than the five Olympian rings. The rings that bind the world.

0:21:400:21:44

Yes, in that sort of swimmy sort of runny, shot-putty sort of way.

0:21:440:21:46

Yes. In honour of this, we are creating the five golden rings.

0:21:460:21:52

-Big pretzels!

-Giant pretzels.

0:21:520:21:54

Come on! And we've found five builders who have agreed to sing for their brekkie.

0:21:540:21:59

# Five gold rings! Four calling birds, three French hens

0:21:590:22:05

# Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. #

0:22:050:22:10

OK, look, they're not The Temptations,

0:22:100:22:12

but the crowd loved them.

0:22:120:22:13

Now, we've got something dead simple to go with our pretzels.

0:22:130:22:17

Because with all the rich food people tend to eat over Christmas,

0:22:170:22:20

you don't want to do extravagant things with your breakfast now, do you?

0:22:200:22:24

So, we've revived an old classic, corned beef hash, and combined

0:22:240:22:28

with the perfect poached egg, it's a great start to the day.

0:22:280:22:32

But first, the pretzels.

0:22:320:22:34

And like all good breads, it's how you begin which is key.

0:22:340:22:38

Good breads are done with a starter

0:22:380:22:40

or a poolish or a sponge, which is basically a kind of,

0:22:400:22:45

a fermenting gloop, which will make you have

0:22:450:22:48

a more tasty, chewier bread.

0:22:480:22:50

So take half a kilo of flour, bread flour.

0:22:500:22:54

Put it into a bowl.

0:22:540:22:55

Normally when we cook it's kind of like a bit of this, bit of that.

0:22:550:22:59

But baking, it's alchemy.

0:22:590:23:00

So to the half kilo of flour, sachet of dried yeast

0:23:000:23:04

and about 680, 700ml of warm water.

0:23:040:23:07

Just stir this till it's nice and smooth. Cover with cling film.

0:23:070:23:12

Leave this to one side in a draft-free place for about two, four, six, eight hours.

0:23:120:23:17

Whatever you fancy. Until it's all bubbled up.

0:23:170:23:20

It's a bit cold here. We might be here a while.

0:23:200:23:22

-Aye.

-Great. Shall we go for a wander?

0:23:220:23:24

Aye, I'm dying for a look round.

0:23:240:23:26

# Old Mr Pringle is soon going to jingle

0:23:260:23:29

# The bells that'll tingle all your troubles away. #

0:23:290:23:33

Look, dude, where hopes are dashed and dreams are made, look.

0:23:330:23:36

The Aquatic Centre, the 2012 Olympic village.

0:23:360:23:39

Come on, swim like you mean it, dude, swim.

0:23:390:23:41

That is going to be that.

0:23:430:23:45

-The Aquatic Centre.

-It's a wonderful feat of engineering, actually.

0:23:450:23:49

I mean, when you stand here and take in the scale of it, it's truly...

0:23:490:23:52

I kind of, I've got a flush of national pride, actually.

0:23:520:23:56

-Yes.

-Isn't it?

-Do you know, if you were in the Olympics, which event would you go for?

0:23:560:24:00

Shot put. What about you?

0:24:000:24:02

-Parallel bars.

-Pa, pa...

0:24:020:24:04

'That's in a parallel universe, mind you.'

0:24:040:24:07

'Anyway, from fantasy back to reality.'

0:24:070:24:10

Although you could spend a day marvelling

0:24:100:24:12

at the sites around the Olympic Park,

0:24:120:24:14

we've got a breakfast to cook for five strapping lads.

0:24:140:24:18

-Look at that.

-Have a look at this.

0:24:180:24:19

It is a living, breathing organism.

0:24:190:24:23

-Talk to me, talk to me!

-Wool-op, bloob-bloob, bloob-bloob.

0:24:230:24:26

I want to be in a giant pretzel, that's what I want.

0:24:260:24:30

After two hours, our bread starter has risen to a fermenting, globular mass.

0:24:300:24:37

Take the bowl like that.

0:24:370:24:38

Now put in another half kilo of flour.

0:24:380:24:42

Four teaspoons of salt. Just to temper that, a teaspoon of sugar.

0:24:450:24:49

So that's your dry goods.

0:24:490:24:51

Give that a whisk round.

0:24:510:24:53

-Just one tablespoon of olive oil.

-And that makes it chewy and ooh...

0:24:530:24:59

Now, look, this is the living, breathing beast.

0:24:590:25:03

You add that to the flour, the salt, the sugar, the olive-oil.

0:25:030:25:06

Now that a living, breathing beast is the centre of the universe at the minute.

0:25:060:25:10

It's life. We have created life.

0:25:100:25:12

So put your doo-dah down

0:25:120:25:15

and just let it work, to knead for seven minutes at a low speed.

0:25:150:25:20

So, after seven minutes

0:25:200:25:23

we have a nice ball of dough.

0:25:230:25:26

It is a soft dough, a workable dough.

0:25:260:25:28

With bread, the softer the dough, generally, the better the bread.

0:25:280:25:33

Look at that.

0:25:330:25:34

Over to you.

0:25:340:25:35

Shine a light!

0:25:350:25:37

Yes, look at that. It's a good way to tell, sticks to your palms.

0:25:370:25:41

How the bakers do it, they go like this.

0:25:410:25:43

Go on, mate. Go on.

0:25:430:25:44

And here is Barnes Wallis's bouncing bomb.

0:25:470:25:51

Don't play with your food.

0:25:510:25:52

Now there's enough dough there to make two giant pretzels.

0:25:520:25:55

So we need to roll that out, basically,

0:25:550:25:57

until it's the length of the table.

0:25:570:25:59

Now to tie a pretzel.

0:26:010:26:03

Yes, David.

0:26:030:26:06

Take that up like that.

0:26:060:26:08

Think like a tie.

0:26:080:26:10

Take it like that.

0:26:100:26:12

Figure-of-eight. Plop it down.

0:26:120:26:14

And what does that look like? A giant pretzel!

0:26:140:26:17

Cover it with cling film, and leave it to rest again for

0:26:170:26:21

about 20 minutes, half an hour, and it will indeed swell up even more.

0:26:210:26:26

And repeat said process five times.

0:26:260:26:29

Once the pretzels have risen, we are coating them with an eggy wash,

0:26:380:26:41

sprinkling poppy or sesame seeds on the top,

0:26:410:26:44

and finishing them off with a pinch of salt.

0:26:440:26:46

Now just bake them in a hot oven, 200-220 degrees centigrade for

0:26:460:26:52

about half an hour, until they are golden and just lush.

0:26:520:26:57

To make the corned beef hash, first we are caramelising an onion

0:26:570:27:03

in butter, then we are adding the potatoes and the corned beef

0:27:030:27:07

and letting them cook until crisp.

0:27:070:27:10

I tell you a good word for this - moulder.

0:27:100:27:12

You want your your corned beef hash to moulder away for about an hour.

0:27:120:27:18

Once the hash is cooked down, we are adding Worcester sauce,

0:27:180:27:21

parsley and seasoning to taste.

0:27:210:27:22

Now ladies and gentlemen, never ever

0:27:220:27:25

will your poached eggs go snotty or like Doctor Who monsters

0:27:250:27:30

ever again. Your poached eggs are going to be perfect.

0:27:300:27:33

To the poaching liquor water, add a small dash of vinegar.

0:27:330:27:40

You take the egg in its shell and you plunge this

0:27:400:27:44

in boiling water for 20 seconds.

0:27:440:27:48

So by plunging the egg into the boiling water

0:27:480:27:51

it just jellies it a little bit and it stops exploding.

0:27:510:27:54

Egg-sploding!

0:27:540:27:56

Egg-sactly!

0:27:560:27:57

Now break this into a saucer.

0:27:590:28:03

So give that water swirl as well to create a little whirlpool.

0:28:030:28:06

And look at that! All of the white bits, it's like a cyclonic effect,

0:28:060:28:09

are just wrapping round the yolk.

0:28:090:28:11

And you have an absolutely perfect poached egg.

0:28:110:28:14

-Hey, here we go, boys.

-Here you are, lads.

0:28:240:28:26

So, boys, what do you think of the corned beef hash?

0:28:330:28:36

-Lovely, mate.

-Lovely.

0:28:360:28:37

Right lads, no corned beef hash for you boys.

0:28:370:28:40

What do you think about the pretzels and the way the eggs are cooked?

0:28:400:28:44

-Very nice.

-Good. You can do us some more if you want.

0:28:440:28:47

Yeah, do some more, mate.

0:28:470:28:49

How's it going, Stevie?

0:28:540:28:56

Very nice, very nice.

0:28:560:28:58

-Where did that go?

-This bread is warm!

0:28:580:29:02

The pretzels were fantastic, the corned beef hash was brilliant, the eggs were perfect, the lads loved it.

0:29:020:29:08

That's breakfast sorted. What about the main event?

0:29:080:29:11

I mean, there's got to be an alternative to turkey.

0:29:110:29:14

Goose! We could have goose. I always want goose on Christmas Day and I never get it.

0:29:140:29:18

It's always a big argument in our house.

0:29:180:29:21

Well, I know a saucy old goose that I think's well worth a gander.

0:29:210:29:24

'Forget about trying to find six geese a-laying, Kingy -

0:29:280:29:31

'we're off to meet Mother Goose, the famous pantomime dame.'

0:29:310:29:35

# On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

0:29:350:29:38

# Six geese a-laying, five go-old rings

0:29:380:29:42

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

0:29:420:29:46

# And a partridge in a pear tree. # Mwah!

0:29:460:29:50

'Ah, yes, dude, and I finally get to cook a traditional roast goose with all the trimmings.

0:29:510:29:57

'So if you fancy something different to turkey this year, goose is a great alternative.

0:29:570:30:02

'Ah, big frocks and food.

0:30:020:30:04

'What could be better?'

0:30:040:30:07

Oh, wow, this is magical.

0:30:100:30:12

All those Christmas pantos, all those glowing, rosy faces.

0:30:120:30:16

The tears, the laughter, dude.

0:30:160:30:18

Talking of which - goose, we've got one to cook.

0:30:180:30:21

We have, and we've also got its mother to meet.

0:30:210:30:24

Oooh...!

0:30:250:30:27

'Oh, I can't believe it, Si, we're meeting Mother Goose herself!

0:30:270:30:30

'Yes, one of the most famous panto dames.

0:30:300:30:33

'For the six geese a-laying, Mother Goose will be playing.

0:30:330:30:36

-'Oh, Gawd, he's off.

-'Well, it is panto.'

0:30:360:30:39

This has got to be the spookiest kitchen we've ever cooked in.

0:30:460:30:50

-Underneath the stage.

-It's full of theatricality,

0:30:500:30:53

the smell of greasepaint, the whiff of the limelight. It's all here.

0:30:530:30:57

-Goose.

-Goose.

0:30:570:30:58

Baste! Season!

0:30:580:31:00

Where's the salt, dude?

0:31:030:31:04

-It's behind you!

-Oh, man.

0:31:040:31:07

No, over there.

0:31:070:31:09

-You've got panto Tourette's, you!

-Oh, no, I haven't!

0:31:090:31:13

In the oven. Four hours.

0:31:140:31:17

'And it's that simple.

0:31:170:31:19

'Now, before we all tuck into our festive meal, Mother Goose is going to teach us how to be panto dames.

0:31:190:31:24

'It's frocks and make-up for us.

0:31:240:31:26

'Ooh, I've always wanted to dress up like Pat Butcher.'

0:31:260:31:29

Now, I couldn't decide which colour to give you, chuck, so you've got the lot.

0:31:290:31:34

That's better. Look at that.

0:31:370:31:39

Whatever happened to The Beverley Sisters, eh?

0:31:390:31:42

Forget your names, I'm going to give you panto names now.

0:31:430:31:47

Daveria and Simonella!

0:31:470:31:49

Oh, I'm so glad that you two are here, I've spent so long on my own.

0:31:530:31:57

It'll be the first Christmas I've had with company for ages.

0:31:570:32:01

Let's make some scones.

0:32:010:32:02

-Oh, no, I won't, I've no currants.

-I've got some, Mother.

0:32:020:32:06

-Where did you find these?

-I got them from behind the rabbit hutch!

0:32:060:32:10

Oh, you terrible tyke!

0:32:100:32:13

I've nothing left. I'm not Mother Goose any more, I'm Mother Hubbard.

0:32:130:32:17

Don't worry, Mother. We've got a fantastic festive feast.

0:32:170:32:21

Ooh!

0:32:210:32:23

APPLAUSE

0:32:230:32:24

-Ooh, should I carve?

-Ooh, you can be Mother.

0:32:370:32:40

-Beautiful, that.

-Look at that.

0:32:400:32:42

Crispy skin, breast.

0:32:420:32:44

I think we can cook better than we can panto.

0:32:440:32:46

I'll tell you what. Don't give up your day jobs, will you?

0:32:460:32:50

Very good.

0:32:500:32:52

-This is one tradition I love.

-Brilliant.

0:32:520:32:54

-I'll do that way.

-You do that ways.

-I'll get that one.

0:32:560:32:59

I'll do this way.

0:32:590:33:00

-ALL:

-One, two, three!

0:33:000:33:03

Ooh, Merry Christmas and I nearly lost my...Sycle.

0:33:030:33:06

'Even though I do love a frock, it's time for us to ditch the outfits.

0:33:100:33:14

'But we're keeping some of the leftover goose for our next dish.

0:33:140:33:17

'Now, for the next line in the song, seven swans a-swimming,

0:33:170:33:21

'we've struck it lucky, and we'll be lapping it up later.

0:33:210:33:24

'But first, there's another festive tradition that I want to take part in.

0:33:240:33:28

'And we've collected lots of goose fat just for the occasion.'

0:33:280:33:32

-I'm all pantoed up! I love that, it's brilliant!

-Right, what's next?

0:33:380:33:42

Seven swans a-swimming.

0:33:420:33:43

We've got the swans and the swimming. Fancy a swim?

0:33:430:33:46

Absolutely not. No. What?

0:33:460:33:47

You cover yourself in goose fat.

0:33:470:33:49

It's a great British Christmas tradition, from the Irish Sea to The Serpentine.

0:33:490:33:54

Everybody's doing it. Layer of goose fat, go for a swim.

0:33:540:33:57

-Absolutely not.

-Come on.

0:33:570:33:58

-No.

-Just a dip.

-I'll tell you what, though.

0:33:580:34:01

I will grease your bearings in a sort of goose grease sort of way.

0:34:010:34:04

And when you go in, I will stand on the side to see you don't drown,

0:34:040:34:07

-because it's health and safety, you see.

-Oh, I feel so safe.

0:34:070:34:11

Hurry up. Oh, man, there's loads of folk.

0:34:120:34:14

Keep me decent. Keep me decent.

0:34:140:34:16

You see, allegedly, it keeps you warm and you just don't feel the chill it's all.

0:34:160:34:20

You're mad. You're mad.

0:34:200:34:22

Now... So, no self-administration. Right.

0:34:250:34:29

I don't know how else to do it, dude.

0:34:290:34:32

God, that's cold.

0:34:340:34:36

Give us it here.

0:34:360:34:37

Lift your choller up. Ooh, my Gawd, it's like a self-basting turkey.

0:34:370:34:42

-Call me Butterball.

-Turn round. Turn round.

0:34:420:34:44

The thing is, people say that you lose most of the heat out of your head. Well, this isn't true.

0:34:440:34:52

You know where you lose most of the heat, don't you? I'll show you.

0:34:520:34:55

-Out your butt crack!

-Ahh!

0:34:550:34:58

Be all right.

0:34:590:35:01

-OK...

-Glasses.

-Right.

0:35:010:35:04

Go, dude, go!

0:35:040:35:05

See if it works!

0:35:050:35:08

It's lovely.

0:35:140:35:17

# Born free, as free as the wind blows...

0:35:170:35:21

It's supposed to be swans a-swimming, dude, elegant!

0:35:210:35:24

Lovely. You know?

0:35:240:35:26

-Does it work?

-No...

-Not really.

0:35:330:35:37

-Takes your breath away.

-I'm not surprised.

0:35:390:35:42

Have you got something nice to warm me up?

0:35:420:35:44

Don't worry, dude. It'll be ready for you when you come back.

0:35:440:35:48

Thank you.

0:35:490:35:51

It doesn't work.

0:35:520:35:54

'Over Christmas there's always leftovers.

0:35:590:36:02

'If you're clever, you can make something even more interesting and tasty than the original.

0:36:020:36:06

'And using leftovers is low-effort deliciousness.

0:36:060:36:09

'So, I'm going to prepare a leftover goose risotto.

0:36:090:36:14

'Ideal for Boxing Day lunch - or, if like Dave you've just frozen your bits off by taking a festive swim.'

0:36:140:36:21

'First, I'm sweating some onions in olive oil, and adding a few cloves of chopped garlic.

0:36:210:36:26

'After sauteing a small bowl of Arborio risotto rice,

0:36:300:36:33

'I'm adding hot vegetable stock,

0:36:330:36:36

'stirring all the time until the liquid is absorbed.'

0:36:360:36:39

Phwooar!

0:36:400:36:42

Talk about going south for the winter. Everything's gone north!

0:36:420:36:46

That smells great.

0:36:460:36:47

-Hey, man, it's smashing. Will you stick the mushers on for us?

-Yes.

0:36:470:36:51

'Whilst the mushrooms are cooking away, I'm adding green peppercorns which have been soaked in brine.

0:36:520:36:58

'Then, I'm going to keep adding the hot stock, and stirring until the rice is cooked.'

0:36:580:37:03

How are you feeling? Are you still frozen to the bone?

0:37:030:37:07

I'm feeling a bit kind of...clammy.

0:37:070:37:11

Did you get the goose grease off?

0:37:110:37:13

As much... But I tell you what, I won't need to moisturise for a bit.

0:37:130:37:17

-Yes.

-It's lovely, because the green peppercorns have just gone through the rice of the risotto.

0:37:200:37:25

The risotto, you don't want a bite to it, you don't want it al dente, not in our opinion anyway.

0:37:250:37:30

Some people like it, we don't. But you want it to still have a structure.

0:37:300:37:34

The rice grain to still have a structure - when you bite through it, it's just soft.

0:37:340:37:38

It is al punto. Just at that point.

0:37:380:37:40

Stir the mushrooms in.

0:37:400:37:43

Oh, yes!

0:37:430:37:46

-Goose!

-Goose!

0:37:460:37:48

What we're going to do, we'll put the goose in and what we're doing is

0:37:480:37:51

we want to keep the integrity of the grain, so we're folding it in.

0:37:510:37:55

We're not stirring it in, we're folding it. OK?

0:37:550:37:58

Parmesan cheese, a good Parmesan.

0:37:580:38:00

Pecorino's good as well, if you don't want it quite so sharp.

0:38:000:38:03

I think it's about ready for some butter.

0:38:030:38:06

Lovely.

0:38:060:38:07

To finally finish it off, some fresh herbs.

0:38:070:38:10

Got some sage, some tarragon, some chives,

0:38:100:38:12

some parsley, basically anything you've got in your window box.

0:38:120:38:16

That's it. That's your risotto. It's done, it's finished.

0:38:160:38:19

Just serve that with a really, really nice salad.

0:38:190:38:23

# On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

0:38:230:38:29

# Seven swans a-swimming... #

0:38:290:38:32

'But after such a gorgeous meal, it's time for us to conclude our search for seven swans a-swimming.'

0:38:320:38:39

-Come on, mate.

-Let's go, dude.

0:38:400:38:42

-There's nothing like a good pint at the end of a perfect day.

-You're not wrong.

0:38:420:38:47

# And a partridge in a pear tree... #

0:38:470:38:50

-Just the job.

-Hello, lads.

-Steve, how are you?

0:38:500:38:54

We're here for a purpose, aren't we?

0:38:540:38:56

This is our Severn Swans, and pretty soon we're going to be swimming in it(!)

0:38:560:39:02

I...am going to be swimming in it.

0:39:020:39:04

You however, are playing Rudolph, and driving.

0:39:040:39:07

Severn Swans A-Swimming Ale. Cheers.

0:39:090:39:13

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas. Cheers.

0:39:130:39:15

# On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me

0:39:170:39:22

# Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying

0:39:220:39:25

# Five go-old rings

0:39:250:39:31

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

0:39:310:39:36

# And a partridge in a pear tree. #

0:39:360:39:44

Beautiful! Beautiful.

0:39:450:39:49

-That'll do for me.

-It's better than the jukebox, dude.

0:39:490:39:53

'The next stage of our musically inspired odyssey has brought us to rural Gloucestershire.

0:39:580:40:04

'And the next line of the song...

0:40:040:40:06

# On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

0:40:060:40:10

# Eight maids a-milking... #

0:40:100:40:12

'..has inspired us to come up with a great alternative to the traditional Christmas pud.

0:40:120:40:17

'Big slabs of Christmas pud after turkey and all the trimmings aren't everybody's cup of tea.

0:40:170:40:23

'So we've created a spicy pannacotta, made with raisins and festive spices.

0:40:230:40:28

'Yes, mate, it's got all those Christmassy flavours but it's modern, light and sexy!

0:40:280:40:33

-'Bit like us, dude.

-'But the key ingredient is lots and lots of fresh cream.'

0:40:330:40:40

Yee-ha, partner! Oh, there's only one place to go for cream.

0:40:400:40:44

That's our Jess. It's the best there is, man.

0:40:440:40:46

'Jess helps run the family farm, and she's lots of lovely dairy cows which she calls her ladies.'

0:40:460:40:53

# Eight maids a-milking... #

0:40:530:40:55

-Well, we've got one.

-I know, but she's a belter.

0:40:550:40:57

Absolutely. It's our Jess. How big's your farm, Jess?

0:40:570:41:00

-It's 220 acres.

-Are you married?

0:41:000:41:03

-No, no, not yet!

-You are now!

-It's a rural idyll, isn't it?

0:41:030:41:07

-It is a gorgeous place, yeah.

-What makes good milk and cream, Jess?

0:41:070:41:10

I think, as fresh as you can get.

0:41:100:41:13

Cows that are happy, graze in pasture in the summer,

0:41:130:41:17

and in the barns in the winter but on clover silage.

0:41:170:41:20

Happy cows make good milk. The ladies here are very happy.

0:41:200:41:24

'And those happy ladies make great cream, so let's go and produce pudding perfection.'

0:41:250:41:31

Look! Behind you.

0:41:310:41:33

And there's the ladies who make this all possible.

0:41:330:41:36

Merry Christmas, girls! And thank you for your donation.

0:41:360:41:40

And this is what we're using, liquid gold.

0:41:400:41:44

If this was oil...that'd be Texas.

0:41:440:41:48

Start off with about 500ml, a pint in old money, of the girls' finest.

0:41:480:41:52

-It's just so luxurious.

-Look at the way that pours.

0:41:520:41:56

It's so Christmas.

0:41:560:41:57

Our trick with the pannacotta, just to give it that little extra Christmas feel to it, is some rum.

0:41:570:42:05

Now, how do we apply the rum, I hear you cry?

0:42:050:42:07

-What are they?

-With raisins. Rum and raisins, classic combination.

0:42:070:42:13

Pour in a little bit of rum, just to rehydrate those raisins.

0:42:130:42:16

-Look at that.

-If you leave them for an hour or two, they'll swell up.

0:42:160:42:20

And they'll be huge. Little balls of flavour bombs.

0:42:200:42:24

And then when you bite into them, they release that sweet...

0:42:240:42:29

If you're worried about the alcohol, you can rehydrate them with orange juice,

0:42:290:42:33

if you're non-alcoholic or you don't want your kids to have a bit of rum.

0:42:330:42:36

Gelatine. We found out, by great experimentation, trial, tribulation, 3.5 sheets of gelatine works well.

0:42:360:42:45

Put 3.5 sheets in some cold water until it goes flaccid.

0:42:460:42:51

By flaccid we mean, gets a bit of a wobble on. Soft, loose.

0:42:510:42:55

While we're waiting for that to go...

0:42:550:42:57

-let's put the cream on to warm.

-Why not?

-What does pannacotta mean?

0:42:570:43:01

It means "cooked cream", you know!

0:43:010:43:03

When we invented this dish, we thought, what are the flavours of Christmas? We thought...

0:43:050:43:10

ginger.

0:43:100:43:11

It's got to be, hasn't it?

0:43:110:43:13

A bit of ginge, warming spice, nice on those cold nights.

0:43:130:43:17

Ground allspice. For that perfect Christmas puddingesque-ness.

0:43:170:43:22

Do you know, I think this is our best dish we've ever done.

0:43:220:43:25

It's simple enough, isn't it?

0:43:250:43:27

But we've done some belters.

0:43:270:43:29

Cinnamon.

0:43:300:43:31

And nutmeg. Freshly grated.

0:43:310:43:34

You're going to get a lovely speckle in your pannacotta.

0:43:340:43:38

To the speckle, add four tablespoons of caster sugar.

0:43:380:43:42

Uno...

0:43:420:43:44

Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen!

0:43:440:43:47

The cream, the Christmas spices, the sugar are coming to a boil.

0:43:470:43:51

It needs to come to a boil.

0:43:510:43:53

Don't forget, you need to simmer it nice and gently for three minutes.

0:43:530:43:59

Take it off the heat, then put the gelatine in.

0:43:590:44:01

The gelatine...is now limp.

0:44:010:44:05

Look at that. And just pour that in.

0:44:050:44:08

Now, just bung in the rum-soaked raisins.

0:44:090:44:13

And seeing as Dave's driving,

0:44:130:44:16

and I'm on the back being Santa Claus...

0:44:160:44:19

You've earned it. That is going to be good.

0:44:190:44:21

Leave that out for Santa.

0:44:250:44:27

You know - at Christmas Eve, with his carrot?

0:44:270:44:30

That's well mixed, isn't it? We just need to fill the moulds.

0:44:330:44:37

It can be a mould of choice, it can be non-stick, sticky. We'll show you how to get them out.

0:44:370:44:42

But these are just classic moulds, nothing fancy.

0:44:420:44:45

Just the ones you use for steak and kidney puddings.

0:44:450:44:48

-Look at the texture of this.

-It's like Anaglypta.

0:44:480:44:51

The raisins have gone to the bottom of the jug.

0:44:510:44:55

We will rake them out and distribute them evenly.

0:44:550:44:58

Remember, these are flavour bombs.

0:44:580:45:01

Look at that... Oh, man.

0:45:010:45:04

Now, just let that cool completely.

0:45:050:45:07

Stick it in the fridge.

0:45:070:45:08

It'll set solid, and honestly, if you cook nothing else this Christmas

0:45:080:45:12

you've seen on the telly, please cook this one. It's brilliant.

0:45:120:45:17

Oh, and into the fridge!

0:45:170:45:19

'Now, once the pannacotta has set, put hot water in a bowl and place the moulds in the water.

0:45:280:45:33

'Leave for a few seconds so the pannacotta becomes loose, and then serve.

0:45:340:45:38

'We're trying out this fantastic dish on Jess, her dad and a friend

0:45:380:45:42

'to see if they too are bowled over by our gorgeous festive pudding.'

0:45:420:45:47

Here we go. The spicy Christmas rum and raisin pannacotta. Let me know what you think.

0:45:480:45:53

-Lovely job.

-Made with your cream!

0:45:530:45:56

Absolutely beautiful.

0:45:570:45:58

So, do you think that's a good alternative to your regular Christmas pudding?

0:45:580:46:02

-Definitely.

-Definitely. Lighter after you've eaten too much at Christmas.

0:46:020:46:06

-It's rich and delicious...

-I'm glad you said that.

0:46:060:46:10

Cos you're all set next to the well.

0:46:100:46:13

"What do you mean you didn't like it?!"

0:46:130:46:16

I think it's got the lot. It's got the spices, it's got the rum and raisins...

0:46:170:46:21

It's amazing, probably cos it's cooked by you guys,

0:46:210:46:24

or because it's used our cream. Do you think it made a difference?

0:46:240:46:27

I think it does. The dish is pretty simple to prepare.

0:46:270:46:30

-Yeah.

-It's good, if you just buy the best ingredients you can afford.

0:46:300:46:34

And it does make a difference.

0:46:340:46:36

'Now at Christmas, after dessert, comes the entertainment!'

0:46:370:46:41

# On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

0:46:410:46:45

-# Eight maids a-milking

-# Seven swans a-swimming... #

0:46:450:46:49

'Don't laugh, you lot! Even the Cheeky Girls made it to the charts.

0:46:490:46:53

'Sadly, it's time to bid farewell.'

0:46:530:46:57

# On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

0:46:570:47:00

-# Nine ladies dancing

-# Eight maids a-milking

0:47:000:47:03

-# Seven swans a-swimming

-Six geese a-laying

0:47:030:47:05

# Five gold rings... #

0:47:050:47:07

Oh, that's better! Drank too much milk.

0:47:070:47:11

Never mind, Si - off we go up to Sunderland, where there's lords a-leaping, and ladies dancing!

0:47:110:47:16

No, dude, actually we're not.

0:47:160:47:17

-Why ever not?

-Well, because we've already filmed it.

0:47:170:47:21

Yeah, but they'll never know.

0:47:210:47:23

I know, but you can't deceive wor viewing public, can you!?

0:47:230:47:27

Si, they'll never realise.

0:47:270:47:29

But they will, because we filmed it

0:47:290:47:31

before I had my accident, before I had my limp,

0:47:310:47:34

-and I was forced to, you know...

-So?

0:47:340:47:36

What's your plan then, smartarse?

0:47:360:47:38

Right. What we do, we head to Scotland for a grand festive finale.

0:47:380:47:43

And in the true traditions of all good food programmes,

0:47:430:47:47

here's one we filmed earlier.

0:47:470:47:49

-Oh, yes, man!

-Great theatre, Sunderland Empire.

0:47:570:48:01

All the major rock acts have been here, dude.

0:48:010:48:03

Aye, Gracie Fields. Max Miller.

0:48:030:48:05

No, man, no!

0:48:050:48:07

Zeppelin, Free, Hendrix, the lot.

0:48:070:48:09

But now, it's the Lord Of The Dance's turn.

0:48:090:48:12

Feet Of Flames!

0:48:120:48:14

-And - we're cooking. They're going to be hungry.

-They are.

0:48:140:48:17

'Michael Flatley's Lord Of The Dance are on tour and are performing here tonight.

0:48:170:48:23

'That has allowed us to find nine ladies dancing, and ten foot-stomping lords a-leaping.

0:48:230:48:29

'The ninth and tenth lines of the song.'

0:48:290:48:31

# On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

0:48:310:48:36

-# Ten lords a-leaping

-# Nine ladies dancing... #

0:48:360:48:38

'Now we're going to cook a Christmassy beef and ale stew with a leek colcannon.

0:48:400:48:44

'This is a hearty dish you can leave to slow-cook, so you can have a lazy day recovering

0:48:440:48:48

'after all of that partying you've done over the festive period.'

0:48:480:48:53

-Oh... Man.

-I'm so looking forward to this.

0:48:580:49:02

I love them. They fly across the stage.

0:49:020:49:05

I know. It's levitation, dude. On a Celtic scale.

0:49:050:49:09

Let's see the critters fly after they've eaten this.

0:49:090:49:14

-He'll be like Dumbo trying to take off.

-Jet power.

0:49:140:49:17

What we're going to cook for them, it's like an Irish stew.

0:49:170:49:20

I know it's a bit of a cliche with the Lord Of The Dance, but at Christmas...

0:49:200:49:24

And we've done our colcannon.

0:49:240:49:26

Instead of cabbages and spring onions, we're using leeks.

0:49:260:49:29

So it's a leek colcannon.

0:49:290:49:30

We're going to poach the leeks for the colcannon in some milk.

0:49:300:49:35

Now, in true Delia fashion, like how to boil a potato...

0:49:350:49:39

top tip - poach your potatoes, don't boil them.

0:49:390:49:42

You do get a fluffier mash.

0:49:420:49:43

We're bringing it to the boil. Two minutes, three minutes? And then just leave it.

0:49:430:49:48

Right, step one in the Feet Of Flames stew is seasoned flour.

0:49:480:49:52

-A plastic bag of humble flour.

-I'll put the oil in.

0:49:520:49:55

We're going to heat the oil up because what we're doing...

0:49:550:49:58

David's going to show you a trick about how to put

0:49:580:50:02

an even coating of seasoned flour all over your meat.

0:50:020:50:05

Take bully beef - not too much at a time - put it in a plastic bag

0:50:050:50:09

and give it a shake.

0:50:090:50:12

# In a one-horse open sleigh... # Are you getting it?

0:50:120:50:15

Cos the flour and the seasoning will flavour the beef,

0:50:150:50:19

give it a nice golden coating, it also will thicken the stew.

0:50:190:50:22

'Whilst the beef is sizzling away, we're sweating down a chopped onion

0:50:230:50:27

'and some tomato paste before adding this to the meat.

0:50:270:50:31

'Then, deglaze the pan with some lovely Christmas ale.'

0:50:310:50:35

Deglaze - you know all those flavours we've cooked in this pan,

0:50:350:50:38

we're just going to take them off with a bit of moisture, which is our lovely ale.

0:50:380:50:42

See all that! Look at that lovely elixir of flavour.

0:50:420:50:46

Beef and ale, it's a real kind of classic accompaniment -

0:50:470:50:51

beef and ale pie, a stew or just a pint of ale with your beef.

0:50:510:50:54

'Next, we're adding carrots and some chopped celery.'

0:50:560:51:00

Beef stock! Comfortable, luxurious, lovely food.

0:51:000:51:04

Ooh. Look at that.

0:51:040:51:06

And to this - some raisins for that Christmas pudding vibe.

0:51:060:51:09

And what's lovely about it is once you've put them in,

0:51:090:51:12

they'll plump up and you get that little hint of sweetness

0:51:120:51:15

at the back of the beef. It's lovely!

0:51:150:51:16

Another great thing for flavour...

0:51:160:51:20

caraway seeds - about a teaspoon.

0:51:200:51:22

And that's it.

0:51:220:51:24

Put a lid on, and that's one of the best stews you'll ever taste.

0:51:240:51:27

We can get the colcannon ready.

0:51:270:51:29

'To finish the colcannon is dead easy, and because we've poached our potatoes

0:51:290:51:33

'the mash has a lovely velvety texture.

0:51:330:51:36

'This is truly wonderful comfort food.'

0:51:360:51:41

It's time to dance. This time, it's not Michael Flatley - it's going to be us.

0:51:410:51:48

# Christmas time will soon be over, Christmas time will soon be over

0:51:480:51:52

# Christmas time will soon be over, then we'll join the band... #

0:51:520:51:56

That's it!

0:52:290:52:30

ALL: Oi!

0:52:310:52:33

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

0:52:330:52:35

-Oh, sweet Jesus!

-That was easy(!)

-It's hard work that, isn't it?

0:52:350:52:39

What do you reckon? A couple of months' training, are we up for it?

0:52:390:52:43

I think you're ready for the show tonight.

0:52:430:52:45

Cheers. Dude, leg it!

0:52:450:52:47

'Oh, I don't know about you, Kingy, but I'm cream crackered!

0:52:480:52:52

'It's a good thing cooking's not that energetic, dude.

0:52:520:52:55

'We're just not ready for all this leaping about on a stage.

0:52:550:52:58

'But it's time for us to put the finishing touches to our Feet Of Flame beef stew and leek colcannon.

0:52:580:53:04

'For a touch of Christmas, we're adding chestnuts to our stew

0:53:040:53:08

'and parsley as a garnish.

0:53:080:53:09

'The only thing left to see is what our ladies and lords think of our wonderful yuletide treat.'

0:53:090:53:15

Come on, gang! Grub's up!

0:53:150:53:16

Come on, team!

0:53:160:53:18

Ladies first, gentlemen, ladies first.

0:53:190:53:22

This is it, dude. We were born to be dinner ladies, us!

0:53:270:53:30

-Sir!

-Thank you.

0:53:360:53:38

-How is it, girls? All right?

-Yeah.

0:53:380:53:42

-Your show will be at half speed tonight.

-It's good.

0:53:420:53:45

So, everybody's eaten?

0:53:510:53:54

-Everybody's happy? You like it? ALL:

-Yeah.

-Good.

0:53:540:53:57

# Christmas time will soon be over, Christmas time will soon be over

0:53:590:54:02

# Christmas time will soon be over, then we'll join the band... #

0:54:020:54:06

'I hope you all enjoyed that.

0:54:110:54:12

'Yeah. I wish I could leap about like that now, you know!

0:54:120:54:15

'Anyway, we've arrived in Scotland and we're heading for Elkie's house in Craigellachie.

0:54:150:54:21

'And Kingy, aren't these surroundings fantastic?

0:54:210:54:26

'Absolutely, dude. It's a fitting location for a grand occasion.'

0:54:260:54:30

# We've got that Christmassy feeling again... #

0:54:320:54:36

Phwooar! We're here.

0:54:360:54:39

It's time for our Highland fling.

0:54:390:54:41

Two days to Christmas left. But the big 'uns!

0:54:410:54:43

There are, dude. And there's a lot of food to prepare. Let's get on!

0:54:430:54:47

# There's happiness in my heart

0:54:470:54:50

# With Christmas on its way

0:54:500:54:52

# With the family all back together again

0:54:520:54:55

# Oh, what a happy day... #

0:54:550:54:57

'For our festive finale, we've decided to prepare

0:54:570:55:00

'all the dishes that we've made throughout our travels and have one big bash.

0:55:000:55:05

'If you remember the last two lines of the song, you'll know we've got a lot of mouths to feed.'

0:55:050:55:10

# Joy to the world and here comes Santa Claus... #

0:55:100:55:13

-That's what you call a Christmas feast.

-Look at that!

0:55:130:55:16

Cheers! Merry Christmas.

0:55:160:55:17

The Twelve Days of Christmas on the table.

0:55:170:55:22

'That's right, dude. Christmas isn't just one day.

0:55:220:55:24

'That's why we've created lots of delicious dishes that can be enjoyed throughout the festive season.

0:55:240:55:30

'Yes. For Christmas, Boxing Day, right through to the New Year.

0:55:300:55:35

'And, you can find out about them all on the BBC website.'

0:55:350:55:39

Mmm...

0:55:390:55:40

Ssh. It's Santa!

0:55:430:55:46

No, man, it's not Santa. It's our guests. They're here!

0:55:460:55:49

-SOUND OF BAGPIPES

-Come on!

0:55:490:55:50

BAND PLAYS "SCOTLAND THE BRAVE"

0:55:500:55:53

-Merry Christmas!

-Fantastic!

0:56:300:56:32

Fantastic!

0:56:320:56:33

# We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas

0:56:350:56:39

# We wish you a merry Christmas a happy new year... #

0:56:390:56:45

-Who shouted "sausage"?

-Me(!)

0:56:450:56:47

# ..to you and your kin

0:56:470:56:49

# Good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year

0:56:490:56:54

# Oh, bring us some figgy pudding... #

0:56:540:56:58

What about the pickled pears?

0:56:580:56:59

The pears are excellent, Dave. Really good.

0:56:590:57:01

That's our pears with the partridge. A partridge in a pear tree.

0:57:010:57:05

You boys are clever.

0:57:050:57:07

Do you not want to come to my house and make this for me for Christmas Day?

0:57:100:57:14

We could - but d'you know what? We're not going to.

0:57:140:57:17

# ..we wish you a merry Christmas

0:57:170:57:19

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year... #

0:57:190:57:23

-Guys, when you've finished dinner, can you do us a favour?

-ALL:

-Yes.

0:57:290:57:34

Well, we've got the 12 drummers drumming, the 11 pipers piping so... can you play us out?

0:57:340:57:39

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:57:390:57:41

BAND PLAYS "THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS"

0:57:430:57:46

MUSIC STOPS 'Hang on to your reindeer, dude. What about the other people we met?

0:57:500:57:54

'I know! I'll tell you what. We should start again and include them all.

0:57:540:57:58

'Yeah, why not? It'd be lush.'

0:57:580:58:00

BAND RESUMES PLAYING

0:58:020:58:03

-# Ten lords a-leaping

-# Nine ladies dancing

0:58:090:58:12

-# Eight maids a-milking

-# Seven swans a-swimming

0:58:120:58:15

-# Six geese a-laying

-# Five go-old rings

0:58:150:58:19

# Four calling birds, three French hens

0:58:190:58:22

# Two turtle doves

0:58:220:58:23

# And a partridge in a pear tree. #

0:58:230:58:28

-BOTH:

-Merry Christmas!

0:58:280:58:30

Wa-hey!

0:58:300:58:32

# Magic moments

0:58:320:58:35

# Memories we've been sharing

0:58:360:58:40

# Magic moments

0:58:400:58:44

# When two hearts are caring

0:58:450:58:49

# Magic moments

0:58:490:58:53

# Filled with love. #

0:58:540:58:55

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:550:58:57

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:570:59:00

A typically madcap Hairy Bikers' journey through the verses of one of the most popular Christmas songs.

For each line of the song, the boys have come up with a fantastic twist on a classic Christmas dish. From roast partridge with spiced pears (a partridge in a pear tree) and a classic trio of top-end poulets de Bresse chicken dishes (three French hens) to spiced Christmas pannacotta (eight maids a-milking), and of course the secrets of a perfect roast goose (six geese a-laying).

There are laughs to accompany the cooking: in addition to the fantastic Christmassy grub, the Hairy Bikers corral everyone they meet - including the original inspiration for Alan Partridge, four call centre workers and the fleet-footed Lords (and Ladies) of the Dance - to sing the lines of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, ready for a rendition at their drum-and-pipe-laden Christmas banquet finale in a beautiful manor house in Scotland.


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