Northumbria Floyd on Britain and Ireland


Northumbria

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Transcript


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All sensible TV programmes start with a man leaning on a gate,

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telling you where he is!

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Not that we're sensible, but here are some clues!

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First this land was invaded by these fellows - the Punks.

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Then, they were followed by Asterix the Gaul and his men. The Vikings!

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Then...oops! He'll never play for England!

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The ears have dropped off! No point mucking about,

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who do you think wore these?

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The Border Reavers, men of bloodcurdling yells and healthy appetites.

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You know where we are!

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North Korea!

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# The fells are alive

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# With the sound of curlews! #

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This is absurd! Just so that YOU can get what the director calls

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"a sense of place,"

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I have to stand on this blasted heath on the Northumberland Fells.

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"Quite simply, love," he says,

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"Cook up a little something with a Roman influence,"

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to impress the visiting professor of Roman archaeology, Hadrian's Wall,

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gastronomy and Northumberland history.

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And that lot - you - are standing there with their little tripods under umbrellas!

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Dismantle the lot and come down and pay some attention to ME!

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Thank you! Now, the purpose of this exercise

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is to interpret what the Romans might have eaten,

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I don't know, 2,000 years ago,

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when they were building Hadrian's Wall.

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I reckon they would have eaten quite a lot of pig, like this bit.

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I'll cut it into little cubes.

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Now, I don't usually complain

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but it is raining and I have got a temperature.

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Richard might have to wipe his lens off

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cos the rain is coming down.

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I've got pieces of pork, bits of carrot...

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I reckon the Romans...

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Sorry about this, but this is real-life stuff.

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This is MY programme, please. They all know what a carrot looks like!

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Onions... Don't look at the onion, they know what an onion is!

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Trying to make a Roman-type meal... So we'll chop those together...

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I'll chop up some garlic,

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cos it was the Romans who brought garlic here.

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I need some parsley, because they were great herb users.

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And what all wars were about was about spices and things!

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DOG YELPS

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Cumin seeds, ginger, marjoram, thyme, dill, and stuff like that.

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A typical selection of Roman herbs.

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They had more herbs than Sainsbury's.

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Because, like me, these guys were stuck out here!

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And if they didn't pickle, preserve or spice their meat, it was...ahem!

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Anyway, they also had wine, so they whacked in a lot of wine,

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with these herbs and spices.

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Being soldiers, before the time of "Please Keep Britain Tidy",

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they probably tossed the bottles into a hedge!

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In we put our meat, carrots, onions, and stuff like that.

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And we let that marinate now for about 24 hours -

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as long as it takes to do the first 700 kilometres on the decathlon.

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Let me tell you about this!

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This was the centurion's Worcester sauce!

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This was the centurion's soy sauce.

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Walk along the wall, and I'll tell you what it is and why I've got it!

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Emperor Hadrian was a Spanish chap.

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He got the idea to build the wall from the Chinese. Of course!

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You can easily imagine the legionnaires, wrapped in togas,

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under the menacing Northumbrian sky,

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munching on roasted dormouse stuffed with pine cones.

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Yum yum - I think!

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Northumbria - and here we go for complaints from other regions -

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is the most unspoilt and beautiful part of Britain.

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Polanski had it absolutely right when he filmed Macbeth...

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oops, I mean the Scottish play, here!

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Here's the home of St Cuthbert and a fine glass of mead.

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Here endeth the first travelogue.

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That took me SECONDS to research! Fascinating!

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But back to this liquid. This is the centurion's Daddy's Ketchup.

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He wouldn't eat anything without it because his food wasn't...too good.

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I made this about three weeks ago

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and I've had it macerating ever since.

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It is anchovies, sprats, marjoram, red wine, salt...all boiled up,

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left to ferment for a few weeks, and strained and there you have it!

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We ought to brand it. Floyd's Centurion Sauce. Could be a hit!

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You drop a bit of it into your pork marinade.

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And because they didn't have sugar, and this is a bit pongy,

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they put in a teaspoonful or two of honey.

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That's why honey people are called apiarists, I think.

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It's a Latin word.

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There it is. You can feel it. You can smell it.

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The pork, the herbs, the onions... it's been in there about 24 hours.

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Now it has to go round here,

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in my typical Wood Mark 4, or at home Gas Mark 6...

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It goes into there...

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Put the lid on...

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HE COUGHS For about 45 minutes...

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Richard, you wipe your lens. That was a bit hot.

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But I have got this guy coming to dinner so we have to live with it.

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HE COUGHS This is ridiculous!

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I made a little joke about throwing bottles away,

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but please don't be a prat and don't throw bottles, OK?

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OK, Richard, back on the pot.

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If we need an expert on the Romans,

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the director goes straight to the pub and finds one.

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Donald MacFarlane, what DID the Romans... I feel like John Cleese...

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What did the Romans do for us?

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First, imagine the culture shock to the locals.

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The Brigantes, the Votadini,

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the Selgovae...that lived on the tops of these hills.

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These are people or birds? People! People.

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And their quite primitive lifestyle

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was probably to roast an ox and everyone would partake of that.

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What you had when the Romans arrived

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is a very highly civilised nation, even by our standards.

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They introduced a disciplined system

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of society, and along with that - which is the reason why we're here -

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they introduced foods, commodities, that the locals didn't have at all.

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Like turnip, cabbage, lettuce, herbs.

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Name a herb. The Romans brought it.

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The British cabbage was...? Brought by the Romans, yes.

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Donald, if I don't serve this,

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using the standard Roman utensils, it'll to be cooked to a frazzle.

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We've had the Romans.

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What other influences stormed into Northumberland?

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Well, following the Roman withdrawal from Britain,

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the Anglo-Saxons came for about 400 years.

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So, as a Roman historian, what do you think of my dish?

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It's interesting.

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I think you've probably recaptured

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the..."flavour" of yesteryear quite well!

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Oh, it's not bad, actually.

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It's got that rough, coarse sauce, if you don't mind me saying....

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My dear fellow, feel free to be edited!

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I believe, sitting for three hours working my way through this...

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But this rough sauce would be exactly as they would produce.

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If I saw a poster in Rome saying, "Caesar needs YOU,"

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and this was the food you got, there's no way I'd join up!

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You've got to ask the question - why DID they withdraw?

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If my director had his way,

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this shot would last half an hour. He loves Newcastle.

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Joking apart, we asked the College of Science and Technology

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for a taste of the North East.

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They generously obliged by giving up a day to create an edible tableau.

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Fresh salmon from Berwick-on-Tweed.

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"Loppy Dog" - lamb cooked in Newcastle Brown Ale.

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"Electric Soup" - more nutritious than Popeye's spinach.

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Craster kippers baked with cranberries and rosemary.

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A fillet of pork in flaky pastry.

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Here's the boss, James Walling, to talk you through the rest.

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Well, we've got here traditional jugged hare, potted celery,

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leek and onion stuffing, parsnips,

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roast pheasant in an oatmeal crust

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which is cracked to release its wonderful odour.

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What is this? This is a traditional dish - a leek pudding.

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Suet pastry with leeks inside,

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a bit of ham through the centre to give an extra bit of flavour.

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I've been here in the North East, which I love, for five days now.

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I've been to 128 pubs, 94 discos, 18 restaurants, 47 hotels...

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and I haven't seen those on any menu anywhere!

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Well, I'm amazed. It should be on every menu in the North East.

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It's a very traditional north-eastern dish.

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It's very old, very solid, very robust.

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The type of thing chefs are trying to get back to. So they should!

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Now, this looks splendid. That's a wonderful dish - a pan haggerty.

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Sliced potatoes and onions,

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a bit of grated cheese, baked in the bottom of the oven.

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A staple dish of any north-eastern menu. Wonderful flavour!

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# ..Dum...dum...dum...

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# Dumble dumble dum...dum... #

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This music is incredible! But back to the commentary.

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Here we are, on The Good Ship Radiant Way, just off Seahouses.

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A bit like The Owl And The Pussycat without the five-pound note.

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Now, all cooking of the REAL kind depends on first-class shopping!

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Anyone can buy a packet of frozen fish.

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But if you've got real "B dot-dot-dot with an S on the end",

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you go where it's really happening!

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Waves, head of white water, all that business!

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But you know what fishermen are like, don't you?

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They say it was that big, but they haven't caught anything!

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So I brought a few mussels

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from Seahorses - or Seahouses or whatever it's called!

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But the crew HAVE caught some fish, so I'm going to prepare a dish

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which is going to be called "Light On The Radiant Way".

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Our nautical dish of the day!

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Panache of fish, The Radiant Way. Name of the boat. Get it?

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We've got whiting, haddock,

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lemon sole, cod, prawns, and we've got some codlings.

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So take your shopping basket. A couple of whiting...

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I'm not joking! This is unbelievably bad!

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One of these things here. Very slippery. In you go.

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This is shopping on the ninth parallel, OK?

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A little codling, and something else...

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Don't laugh! Every time you have a fish meal,

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what I'm doing now is what they do every day of the week!

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So don't joke about it. It's fun, I know, for us.

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But this is how they really work.

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So, out of this lot, I'm going to dedicate a dish to this ship,

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The Radiant Way.

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Richard, come into the kitchen, if we can get back.

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To recap, Richard, and I know you're not used to boats...

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we have my little fresh codling, my little whiting, my haddock,

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langoustines, prawns, the mussels I brought with me, some parsley,

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and some cream, and not really very much else!

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But while I fried those fillets of the freshest fish you can imagine,

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at the same time I made, as every little cookette knows,

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a simple white sauce - butter and flour, milk, onions, bay leaves

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and a bit of parsley. OK?

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I did it while I was fooling about. Cos this is the magic of...magic.

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At the same time...from Seahouses I got these brilliant mussels,

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merely poached them in about a quarter of a pint of water

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so that they opened.

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I want a really fishy flavour... Richard, this is the tricky bit.

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We've got to get some of this juice from the mussels into the sauce.

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And stir that in. So we have a fundamental white sauce, OK?

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With a fishy flavour, which is quite nice...

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If I may now... You know, I have to tell you I am REALLY tired.

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We take this pretty serious. I know you love me rolling about in ships.

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And trying... And cooking things but there AREN'T, I can promise you,

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17 home economists behind me doing all this.

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Right. Our little fillets are sort of ready, OK?

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The point of this kind of dish

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is that you do not need to go to night-school for a CSE in cooking.

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Freshness is everything. Simplicity.

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If I can do it in this small space,

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any of you can do it in the wonderful comfort of home.

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Right. I've got a few tasks to do.

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Very freshly chopped parsley, we all know what that is.

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Stay with it, Richard. I'll buy you a large one if we ever get ashore.

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Stay with it, dear boy. I can see you wobbling.

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Strain the white sauce into the parsley there.

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Discarding the flavourings I added,

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the carrot, the onion, the mushroom and stuff I put in.

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Stir that in. That is really real.

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And it's very, very good.

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And, because it's for the captain and a very good friend, Mr Swallow,

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I want to make it really rich and luxurious so I'll add some cream.

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And put that gently on the gas, to cook away.

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And here we come to the tricky bit.

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I put a couple of little fillets on this lovely white plate,

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the little langoustines, tailed and headed and split down the middle...

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A few fillets of fish... then some of my little mussels...

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I think that, one way or another, this has got to be

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a sort of fishy version of Northumbria on a plate.

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We're working in absurd conditions,

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nothing on the clock but the maker's name...

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My sauce is warm, the flavour has gone through...

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And watch closely... Well, just admire the steadiness of my hand...

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under these absurd conditions...

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I can't put that down...

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I think, you know...fresh fish... Floyd... Northumberland...

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On a plate. I think it's brilliant.

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Now beginneth the history lesson.

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A long, long time ago, before telegraph poles were invented,

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on this rugged shore, a Viking longship floundered.

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The enterprising locals turned it into the Northumberland coble.

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"But this is a food programme!" I hear you cry.

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The chippings from the boat yard go a few yards away

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and are used to smoke these plumptious little monkeys.

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I love this symbiotic stuff - nothing is wasted.

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The cobles catch the herring and the oak flavours the kipper.

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The kipper was invented by John Woodger, of Seahouses, in 1840.

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I think there should be a statue of Woodger in Seahouses.

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The fish are split and immersed in brine for half an hour.

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Then they're put on these "tenterhooks",

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and this is where the expression originated.

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And that's what I'M on when I'm making these programmes!

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This timeless procedure has been handed down for generations,

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as this rare archive film shows!

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On these programmes, the Floyd programmes,

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we've done so many crab cooking sequences, I've run out of things to say in the commentary!

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I thought I'd write a little poem instead. Here it is.

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It can make you quite sad to cook a crab

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They say that they squeal in the steam

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but I know a crab is really quite glad to appear well-dressed on the screen!

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I'm a very partisan kind of guy.

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I LOVE Somerset and Devon and Cornwall.

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# I love coffee, I love tea, I love the Java Jive and it loves me!

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But, jokes apart, as much as I love the West Country fish,

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if you want a real crab, come to Seahouses. They're the sweetest I have ever tasted!

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They live off the hard bottom, not in mud. They're superb.

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They live off the hard bottom, not in mud. They're superb.

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DOG YELPS

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But what we're really here for is the kipper. The REAL kipper.

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No Japanese technology,

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no gas-fired burners, but the REAL business.

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Now, Richard, sometimes in a cameraman's life,

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smoke gets in your eyes, but stay with it, OK?

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This is where it's at. Step in to see the fire, to see the kipper.

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After about eleven hours, killing me softly with her herring, you can take a bite...

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..and step into heaven.

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Heaven turned out to be dead good,

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lots of pretty scenery and birds, rivers flowing with milk and honey.

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And the lady angels were Wikings, as the next cooking sketch reveals.

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Northumberland must be the last bastion of rural countryside in Britain here amongst the fells,

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the valleys and where the North Tyne flows.

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People here eat in a strange way.

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GUNSHOT QUACK!

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This is what they eat. Not, as it is in the succulent South, a luxury.

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Here it is quite a common dish.

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It is so cheap and so plentiful and people are so bored with it,

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I couldn't find a real Northumbrian person to cook me one.

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What I did find was a Wiking. A Wiking.

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Who is called Ebon.

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I shall call her deep and crisp and Ebon because that's how I remember it!

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And she's a great pheasant plucker - difficult to say if you've had one or two!

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And as a Wiking who's been raping and pillaging for 1,000 years,

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she's going to cook something for us that demonstrates her understanding

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of Northumberland, particularly because I don't feel well today.

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I've got a cold. What are you going to do with this?

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I'm going to skin it,

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take the breasts off, which I'm going to cook in mead. Mead.

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You are talking to me in a nice way, I know you can drink it.

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What is Mead? Let's have a glass.

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It's a honey-based drink that was brought over by the Vikings.

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Ah, plug for the Vikings.

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This is what they fired themselves up on

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when they charged on their cricket club tours. Yeah, yeah. Very nice.

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It's brilliant. Start plucking the pheasant.

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It is true what I said, that the locals are not desperately keen on eating it

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in the hotel restaurant because it's such a common sort of dish for them.

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Yeah, they usually sort of eat the lambs and beef, things like that.

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But...

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As far as I'm concerned, it's one of the nicest meats you can get.

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That's right. So tender and... And good value, too.

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One of each, this is why farmers are cross

0:25:050:25:07

because they eat all their little...

0:25:070:25:09

The last supper!

0:25:090:25:12

You carry on plucking away, we all know what plucking is about.

0:25:120:25:15

We have to get on with some real cooking.

0:25:150:25:18

What you should do, I've pinched deep and crisp and Ebon's recipe...

0:25:180:25:21

You get these lovely fillets of pheasant

0:25:210:25:23

and these still have their shot in them, that upsets some people.

0:25:230:25:26

In the old days in my restaurant,

0:25:260:25:28

to make things really authentic, I had a little tray of split

0:25:280:25:31

shot and put it into the dish at the last moment just in case

0:25:310:25:33

they thought they were home reared ones.

0:25:330:25:36

Anyway, these breasts of pheasant have been marinated for how long?

0:25:360:25:39

48 hours, just in mead, just to keep it really simple

0:25:390:25:43

because as you probably already know, the Vikings'

0:25:430:25:47

and old Northumberland way of cooking was to try to keep everything

0:25:470:25:52

simple and also they didn't need to disguise any real...

0:25:520:25:55

Sort of meats, flavours with anything

0:25:570:26:01

because it was so fresh.

0:26:010:26:03

Right, OK, let's get to do some cooking. The gas is on over here.

0:26:030:26:06

Whizz round in one of your steady slow walks, Richard.

0:26:060:26:09

We'll find ourselves over here by the stove.

0:26:090:26:12

Ebon, it's up to you to tell me what to do. We have the gas on.

0:26:120:26:15

Yeah, it's on. Richard, close up in here, if you please.

0:26:150:26:19

We've already sweated off or melted down or softened a few onions.

0:26:190:26:22

What's next?

0:26:220:26:24

Add the pheasant breasts now and blanche them off. One in there.

0:26:240:26:29

No seasoning at this stage? Not at this stage, no.

0:26:290:26:31

Just sort of close the pores on it.

0:26:310:26:34

Maximum frying speed? Yeah. Let that sizzle away.

0:26:340:26:39

Let them get brown or golden on both sides like that so they seize up and seal.

0:26:390:26:44

Richard, if you don't mind, close-up and then organise a wibbly wobbly shot

0:26:440:26:48

so that we can come back to that later on in the cooking stage.

0:26:480:26:52

And certainly this mellifluous amber liquid will make all the difference to the dish.

0:27:000:27:05

Sweetness and light, it is. Good word, mellifluous. What's next?

0:27:050:27:09

Then you add some double cream to it.

0:27:090:27:11

But first we're going to cook the alcohol from the meat off,

0:27:110:27:15

take the breasts out and serve them up on your dish.

0:27:150:27:18

Spilt it all over the place but that doesn't matter.

0:27:200:27:23

We'll wipe those dishes in a moment. Cream into there now? Yes.

0:27:230:27:27

Be quite generous. I mean, this is your invention, this dish.

0:27:270:27:32

This is a Wiking Northumbrian marriage, I suppose.

0:27:320:27:35

Yeah, it's so simple

0:27:350:27:37

but I prefer simple dishes that are really tasty and nice.

0:27:370:27:42

It is tasty and nice, actually.

0:27:420:27:44

And if you think this is a very rich dish,

0:27:460:27:48

if it's too fruity and too sweet to go with game, think about pork

0:27:480:27:52

and apple sauce, think about venison and redcurrant jelly.

0:27:520:27:55

The thinking behind this dish is perfectly OK,

0:27:550:27:58

the savoury meat and the sweet sauce.

0:27:580:28:00

Do you want to whack those onto the table, my darling?

0:28:000:28:03

And then we can have a little taste and see how it all comes out.

0:28:030:28:06

Right. This, as usual, the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

0:28:090:28:12

If it isn't brilliant I'm cutting you out of the programme!

0:28:120:28:16

SHE GIGGLES

0:28:160:28:19

It should be tender enough now.

0:28:190:28:20

Well, marvellous.

0:28:220:28:25

It is gamey and sweet

0:28:250:28:27

and I worry about dishes that have honey and cream in them

0:28:270:28:30

because I feel it's an excuse for not cooking properly sometimes

0:28:300:28:33

but you did reduce it all properly and it really does work.

0:28:330:28:36

It's a lovely melange of flavours. Yeah. Here's to you, my darling.

0:28:360:28:42

Viva Northumberland. Cheers! And up with the Wikings!

0:28:430:28:47

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