Ulster Floyd on Britain and Ireland

After decades making these cookery programmes, I can play a kind of gastronomic Blind-man's Buff.

I can put a mask on, taste a dish, and I can tell you where we are.

In fact, I could invent another board game.

I'd probably call it Gastropoly...

No, I'd call it Culinary Pursuits!

You'd throw a six; if it landed in Yorkshire, you'd get a pudding!

In Lancashire, you'd get a hotpot!

And where are we now?

Look - cranes, hoists, jigs and stuff like that.

This is also where they built the Titanic.

If you were to eat the dish which I'm going to have served to me,

you would know exactly where we are.

One look at this dish will say one word to you, and it's "delicious".

You've got it. It's Belfast and the famous Ulster Fry,

the backbone of Northern Ireland.

Look at it. It's soda bread,

potato cakes, sausages

Irish bacon, eggs and tomatoes,

and they eat this at ANY time of the day.

A good breakfast even though it's 5.15 !

'Before I started making these scrumptious programmes,

'all I'd seen of Belfast was pictures in the News;

'pictures that didn't dwell on the proud city's culinary heritage.

'I didn't actually come here with a song in my heart,

'but after a blinding breakfast and an ear-bashing by the most loquacious people on earth,

'I thought I was in Florence!'

This is the kind of thing that gets you arrested -

gazing at buildings and talking to yourself!

But I'm really thinking about the profound culinary meaning of this splendid city.

I'm meant to cross the road here!

'Because our producer insists on giving a sense of place,

'here's one of me yet again strolling through yet another anonymous city centre.

'You wouldn't even know you were in Belfast, a city that exudes joie de vivre.

'We celebrated the architecture by going to a famous pub,

'but the BBC, through painstaking research,

'turned up when this architectural jewel was clad in tarpaulins

'and shut!'

According to Oscar O'Flahertie Wills Wilde,

there are three great arts -

painting, music and ornamental cake decoration

of which architecture is a sub-division!

John Betjeman said that this pub was the best in the entire world,

and James Mason used it for his film, The Odd Man Out.

But look at it.

It's a cathedral to drink.

This was made and decorated by Italian craftsmen

who were moonlighting whilst building cathedrals!

Come in, my son. I'll hear your confession now.

Richard, don't look so serious.

That was only a little joke!

Because I'm a kind of a sleuth,

champing round the pubs, the bars and the bistros of these great isles of ours,

I need help.

So I read the Belfast Cookery Book and it says:

Pizza Napoleana, Quiche Lorraine... I thought, that's not Irish food!

Somebody who KNOWS about Irish food

is my great mate - often, I say we've been friends for minutes,

but WE'VE been friends for years! This is true. This is Nicky Hill,

the leading writer on the world's oldest English-speaking newspaper

which is called the Belfast... Newsletter. 250 years.

Man and boy? Yes. Brilliant paper! She wrote nice things about me.

That's why I've invited her on to my programme as an expert.

You are an expert? Oh, yes. On food in particular? Very much.

Is this champ, this Irish stew,

these oysters... Is this Irish food?

The stew's not quite right. Well, it's just a stew.

The champ's ALMOST right.

Champ is a mound of mashed potatoes with scallions in it. Scallions?

Scallions are spring onions

which must be stewed in milk so they're nice and soft.

You make a big hole in the middle, like making cement.

You put the butter in and make cement.

It tastes gorgeous! Mrs Currie, if she's still in power,

says that the Northern Irish people are the worst for eating high cholesterol, fatty foods.

Well, we talk about a 'feed of drink'

and we have a 'feed of food' too.

Without the Ulster Fry after a night's drinking, you'd be done for!

How much has food changed?

Trotting down the Golden Mile, which was a street of brothels... No, it was insurance companies,

but now it's all restaurants.

When the troubles started in 1969, people said, "I'm going to get the hell out of here!"

So everyone went to France and Spain

and they came back wanting paella! Hence all the restaurants.

Listen, I am not an interviewer!

At the end of the day, this IS a cookery programme,

so if you'll excuse me from interviewing you badly,

I want to do some real cooking!

Let's forget about the camera!

We can talk about the Golden Mile as it used to be 50 years ago

and other serious stuff like that! In THIS booth!?

'I must go down to the seas again, To the vagrant gypsy life.

'To the gulls' way, And the whales' way,

'Where the wind's like a wetted knife.

'And all I ask is a merry yarn From a laughing fellow rover...

'In Portrush, is a restaurant that really celebrates the area.

'George McAlpin is one of a growing breed of young chefs

'who use local produce to create dishes.

'Here, he's cooking salmon, halibut, lobster,

'in a champagne and butter sauce.

'What makes this dish superb is the freshness of the fish

'and the immediacy of the cooking and serving.'

That was a virtuoso performance from my new chum George!

But this is a town like Cleveden in Somerset.

You'd hardly expect to find such a dazzling selection there.

George, I must taste this a sec.

Divine! But what's this got to do with Ireland?

Well, this is all locally caught. We're on the Portrush harbour

and it's all caught by local fishermen. It's supreme.

Now, this I've never seen before.

It's got caul on the outside. Where did this dish come from?

Well, it's bromoix of vegetables and roasted fillet of lobster

with a lobster sauce. Your own...? Yes.

Do you wake up in the middle of the night, like a musician,

or is it carefully thought out? Em, some days things come to you easier than others.

Obviously, you have to work at it and try different ideas, and try to get them to blend together.

Now, Richard, look at this.

See these very finely diced vegetables on the top.

Inside the caul, the wonderful fillet of turbot at the bottom

and this rich fish sauce. You should feel very jealous!

Now this also fascinates me.

Those are little pork fillet chimneys wrapped in puff pastry.

What's that stuff on the top? It's mushroom duxelle.

and it's served with rosemary jus.

Ah, a jus! A lovely rich meat glazy sauce with rosemary.

And this... Over here, quick!

We just haven't the time to do this brilliant young chef justice.

This is a fresh orange terrine filled with fresh summer fruits.

A masterpiece. I have to say, George,

that I award you the Imperial Stout for being brilliant. Cheers, Keith.

But it's MY programme so shoot off! I'M going to do some cooking now!

So, off with the coat and on to a cooking sketch right away!

This is the beef simmering gently in beef stock and stout.

Richard, I hear you cry, "WHAT beef, WHAT stout?"

It's the classic, modern way of cooking beef with oysters and Guinness.

This is the perfect TV meal.

Wonderful local oysters,

fabulous fillet, little shallots, a bit of brown sugar,

meat glaze, a little butter and some stout.

If it isn't good enough to drink, it isn't good enough to cook with!

..Absolutely perfect!

We haven't got much time,

so I have already poached my fillet of beef in some stock

and some stout.

I've got a few shallots and a bay leaf.

Now the important part of making the sauce.

Come in close. You've got legs(!)

Because of the bitter sauce you get from the stout and the beef,

dissolve in a little brown sugar.

Then whisk in a few knobs of butter.

We whisk that till it gets creamy, shiny and unctuous.

It'll take a second or two.

I must concentrate

because I'm going to offer this to George and you've seen what a brilliant chef he is.

Brown sugar is essential in that.

It takes the bitterness away and gives it a superb flavour.

Right, sauce onto the plate first,

strained through so we don't get the shallots and things.

Perfect.

Save a bit of that...

Now, while I cut up the meat, I'll pop my little oysters in.

Okay, we'll have a close-up into there, Richard.

Just warm the oysters through.

They are, naturally, raw.

You just want them glazed with the sauce.

Right, over the difficult bit. Just carve that down...

Oh, cooked, if I may say, to perfection, pink in the middle.

Thin slivers of fillet of beef.

Maybe, because this is for George, I should make more of an effort

and overlap them.

A bit of my julienne of vegetables.

Trembling hands! I've made hundreds of these programmes

but I still get nervous cooking for talented people.

Right, oysters.

The oysters can go round here.

And I'll get a bit more of this sauce.

I don't suppose I've presented that as beautifully as George would do

but, George, come and have a taste.

I know you might criticise the presentation

but see if the flavours are there.

Well, it looks very good.

Certainly TASTES very good!

I think it's absolutely fabulous and one for our new menu. Really?

Yes. Can I taste it? Let's see how I feel about that.

Beautiful oysters... beautiful beef...

Well, everything George said is true!

The beef is brilliant, the sauce is fantastic.

I'm a bit proud!

No cooking programme of mine

would be complete without a dollop of mythology.

I'm on the Giant's Causeway

which, it says on my tea-towel, was made by Finn MacCool.

Remember Finn MacCool And The Heartbreakers!?

Anyway, he was fighting forever with this Scottish giant

and they built this causeway so they could battle in the middle.

But Finn MacCool was pretty smart

and he'd heard that the Scottish giant was big.

So he walked across here in his son's school uniform,

and the Scottish giant thought, "Blimey, if that's his son, what's his dad like!?"

and ripped up the causeway!

Ah, the Bushmills Distillery.

Of course, taking me there is like giving a donkey strawberries!

To make the mash, you add water from the River Bush to Irish barley.

Then there are the heady fumes of the wash

where the yeast feeds off the sugar to make alcohol.

In the distillation plant

the raw spirit is circulated through the system three times.

This is the oldest distillery in the world.

It was first granted a licence in 1608.

This is the end of the process.

This is where this wonderful spirit is stored in oak barrels

for up to ten years before it's bottled.

In the meantime, the angels are getting a real kick out of it!

Twenty per cent of the liquor in these barrels evaporates up

and they call this "the angels' share."

'As I've got the breaking strain of a hot Mars bar,

'I tarried awhile, as one does,

'discovering the subtle differences of the three whiskeys they make!

'Meanwhile, my devious EX-director entered me for the Taste of Ulster Culinary Competition

'at the Catering College in Portrush.'

^ You may start your cooking at any stage now

and we shall expect you to present your dishes to the judges at 2:45.

'Forgive me! Competitions make me very nervous

'especially in the company of such fine chefs.

'For these guys, it was chop-chop busy-busy bang-bang!

'The competition was simple -

'create an original dish from local produce.

'A series of nationwide events like this

'could lead to British dishes being proudly presented

'in pubs, restaurants and hotels.'

I'm frying till golden brown some very finely-chopped onions,

which are partly done now, and some finely diced red pepper.

Now, I want to make this a little bit burnt,

because they're going to go into the stuffing of my fish faggots.

We'll find another name for them.

These want to be crisp and golden because I want them to lift up the flavour of the scallops

which is the basic ingredient of my dish.

If I can trust those to simmer away gently,

I can explain a bit better what I'm going to do.

Look. This is the scallop meat chopped into small dice,

on top of which I'm going to place the coral of the scallop.

Then that's going to sit on the bed of salmon like that,

mixed with the things I'm frying in the pan over there.

Then I'll cover the whole lot with that.

That's the best I can do now

because it's a competition and this is burning!

I can't say, "I already have one in the oven." This is for real!

'To take the spotlight off me for a bit, look at this -

'chicken breasts rolled over a salmon mousse.

'And here's a brilliant dish -

'a loin of lamb wrapped in cabbage and pastry.

'This lot have really put some thought into this,

'unlike me who came on a wild card, a cabbage and a bit of fish.'

Go away! Look at them!

Go AWAY! This is a secret winning recipe!

Here we are! Here's some little Bourbon biscuits for you all!

You can't even step out of your own front door

without finding a blasted camera crew there!

This is my humble cottage where I write my novels

and think very deeply about the meaning of cooking and stuff!

The director begged me and said, "PLEASE show them your house

"and show them something Irish to cook." So come on in!

Potato cakes or potato breads are important to Irish cooking

and the best way to get them is to buy them in Marks and Spencers!

But of course we have to stand burning in front of a peat fire,

no Magimixes, no electricity!

THIS is a pot of potatoes.

Back over here, Richard, onto this wickerwork sieve.

Pour the potatoes out into there...

This is very difficult!

Carefully put them in so as not to damage them.

It's about this time you begin to wonder why you are here!

Happily, I am with my great chum Finula,

who knows all about potato bread.

Why couldn't we have saved trouble by peeling the potatoes first?

Because it's traditional to boil them in their skins.

Also, you can feed the skins to the chickens or the pigs.

Do people still eat potato cakes in Ireland? Yes, they eat them still.

You can make them at home or buy them in bakeries or supermarkets.

You use them with the Ulster Fry.

Brilliant. Well, Richard...

this is the high point of a regular 18th century farmer's day.

He'd dress in the typical apparel - silk bow-tie, suede jacket, Rolex watch!

He'd set about peeling these

but it's a very boring process, so you take a little tour around The Ulster Folk Museum

and join us when we're at an interesting bit.

Ah, YOU pick them up with a fork!

'Every Sunday, they come in their thousands.

'I think there's a plan afoot to turn these islands into a massive theme park!

'Thrill to the memories of the three Rs

'Thrill to the memories of the three Rs

'and I wonder what prayers were said by this bed.'

Well, I hope you enjoyed that mini-tour round the park.

I've been beetling away - this is a beetle.

I've been crushing the potato into a fairly smooth mixture,

adding some flour, butter and salt.

Now all I have to do is roll it out.

They built this cottage with doorways 5'3" high

and I cracked my head on the top and it is actually spinning!

They always say in an emergency have a cup of tea, don't they?

So we roll this out quickly...

How thick do you think they ought to be? A bit thinner.

The griddle's up to frying speed,

so you cut out some little wedges

using this 18th century implement!

Like that!

Whizz on round here, Richard. On they go to a dusted griddle.

I'll do a few more. Sorry to keep running in front of you,

but we're not a studio production, we don't have 18 cameras

and cutaways and stuff like that, we pop those on there.

Another potato cake. And then, you come back here, Richard.

I didn't say you could leave the stove,

because I want you to take a nice little shot of me roasting!

In a minute, they'll mix a sort of wobbly picture

and you'll see us enjoying these crisp delicious potato cakes.

There. Fifteen minutes later, they are cooked to perfection.

Place them on a plate, add butter

Finula, would you like a taste? Yes, please.

While Finula's choking on that,

I must tell you that we've had lots of letters

from people asking how we choose the locations for the programmes.

Well, in the director's office is a huge map of the British Isles and three darts which we throw!

This one landed near Belfast!

Anyway, we've only booked this place till half past eleven

so we must be trotting along!

Right, I'm in a state of..... Look down here, please.

I've got my web of caul - this is the fatty bit -

and my bed of salmon sitting there.

Now, raw chopped scallops as I told you...

mixed with my cooked peppers, onions, parsley, breadcrumbs, egg yolks and cream.

Then a piece of splendid Ulster bacon on top

and the coral of the scallop on there.

Fold that over.

Okay, Richard, come back to me.

I'm going to trim that into a little packet.

When this goes in the oven, it'll be 10 minutes before judging.

I've never cooked this before.

I can't win but I'm trying to use the things of Ulster -

the fish, the cabbage, the bacon.

My experience as a cook tells me that it SHOULD work.

I'm trying very hard on this. This is for real.

Now, if you'd just leave me alone!

'This is the bit that reminds me of sitting O levels!

'John Croskery is putting the finishing touches to his dish.

'The judges will probably need sunglasses to appreciate this one!

'Archie's lamb is looking tickety-boo!

'Got to be up with the leaders, has this one!'

Little lardons of bacon,

fresh Ulster cabbage.

Chef Floyd, I must tell you that you have 5 minutes left to bring your dish forward. I'll be here!

Thank you, Your Majesty!

OW!

'Here's the Lamb Cortfinbar,

'Chicken Picasso - if it doesn't win here, the ICA will snap it up!

'Then there's this huge expanse of Irish linen

'for my Finn MacCool Burgers!

'Medallions of beef with herb sauce

'and chicken stuffed with salmon mousse and prawns.

Richard, I'm not remotely interested in what you're doing.

If you want to reshoot this, you've no chance!

These are my little...

..my little Finn MacCool Burgers.

'Considering that I've never cooked this before, it's turned out well!

'And I don't mind if I win or not.

'At least I've stayed with the rules,

'I've created an original dish that tastes nice and looks good.

'The sauce is just the old egg-and-butter routine.

'Beat 2 oz of butter into 2 egg yolks over a low heat

'and pour it over your cabbage!

'And it's good with anything from asparagus to fish.'

The cameraman wants it done again because there was a shadow!

Too bad! I'm now going to be disqualified because of you!

ONLOOKERS APPLAUD

'The winner was Lamb Cortfinbar.

'Well done, Archie Stewart!'

Subtitles by Judith Simpson BBC Scotland 1988