Santa Fe Floyd's American Pie

WESTERN FILM MUSIC

HE SINGS

I tell you what.

I am actually driving this rig myself.

I could have a cowboy on the back to feed the lines.

I'm not doing that, cos Floyd doesn't do things like that.

I have started this new, brilliant dial-a-dinner service for cowboys.

I've got my mobile phone in the back...

We'll crash, if we're not careful. It's all right, Clive, stay with it.

I'm just driving these horses through some heavy scrub here.

I've got the mobile phone and I truly am...

STRANGLED CRY

SMASHING GLASS

Don't worry, we'll pick this up.

I've started the real Floyd's American Galloping Gourmet Service.

Some cowboys phoned me up and said, "Hey, man. we're hungry.

"Get your chuck wagon over here." That's exactly what I'm doing. I am not telling fibs.

There is no-one else but me driving this rig. It's unbelievable.

Floyd's American Pie.

Here we go. Take a look at these horses, Clive, if you can.

Can you pan down to them? I'm just showing... Whoa! We did it.

And this is the man here, behind me, who would have driven it,

but I did drive it. Did I drive it? You done a hell of a job, buddy. I'm proud of you.

ELECTRONIC "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"

MUSIC: "Waltzinblack" by The Stranglers

WIND WHISTLES

It's a long haul from New Mexico

and a man's bones get shaky on the Santa Fe trail.

Not to mention the throat has a dry, ticklish feel about it.

But to satisfy my producer's thirst

for bizarre locations, I rode into the film town of Beauty,

famous for its role in Westerns, to cook for the locals,

a pretty wild bunch by all accounts.

It's extraordinary! I told the BBC wardrobe department

I was coming to New Mexico to film in a cowboy town

and I wanted a Lone Ranger outfit. I got a SLOANE Ranger outfit!

Hopeless!

Cowboy cooks went for organisation.

After a long day's ride, they gave the boys something good to eat.

So Chuck would have a well-organised larder.

Essential things, like baby wipes, Californian wine, cookery book,

charcoal fuel lighter... and probably a stereo, as well.

I'm actually going to cook for real cowboys.

You've all seen Blazing Saddles and the jokes about pork and beans. I'm cooking REAL pork and beans.

We use black beans, which were only introduced here 30 years ago, so it's an update of an old dish.

First, diced shoulder of pork.

Then black beans, soaked in water overnight and boiled for two hours, until they're nice and tender.

That's them in their dry state.

Back up to me! The thing which flavours this dish is important to New Mexico. It's the chilli.

These very hot, but sweet, chillies, which I've chopped up with garlic.

This will all be cooked in a sauce. Back to me! I didn't say come up! Thank you!

It'll be thickened with blue flour and red chillies.

Because Americans like their things a bit spicy, it will also have a little honey from a bear pot!

The other important thing when cooking on the range is to have a little slurp.

I like a Kentucky Fried Gentleman. Very nice, too!

Now stay with me while I wander round, Clive. First of all, I'm going to put a bit of oil in.

Then we'll put our meat in.

If I had an assistant, that would have been taken away. Stay on that while it sizzles.

In with our chillies and onions.

Give that a little stir round,

for it to season and seal down in the proper way.

Clive, just a minute! They do make life difficult for me. He loves fresh-air sequences.

But my eyes are streaming from the smoke, we're at 7,000 feet, so I'm a bit wobbly.

NOT from too many Kentucky Fried Gentlemen! Your head is affected by the clear air. It gets to you!

Anyway, enough of that. Now for the roux.

Crushed chillies, along with some of this blue corn meal.

Then the juice, strained off the black beans, is mixed in.

This forms a thickening agent.

OK.

So, that goes into the pot right over here. No problem.

Then... Over here, Clive. I've got to put the black beans in.

This is the nice part of the dish. This is a good way of stretching the meat.

It makes it a very economical dish by adding the pulses.

And then the curious little bit - honey for bears.

A little bit of honey takes some of the heat away from the chilli.

Stir it around. It looks rather good - pork and black beans.

It needs about two hours over Wood Mark 3. I know you've all got stoves like this(!) That's it!

# We open in Venice

# We next play Verona

# Then onto Cremona

# Lots of laughs in Cremona Ha-ha!

# Our next stop is Parma

# That dopey, mopey menace

# Then Madua Then Padua

# Then we open again

# Where? We open in Venice

# We next play Verona

# Then onto Cremona

# Lots of bars in Cremona!

# Our next stop is Parma

# That fearless, cheerless menace

# Then Madua Then Padua

# Then we open again Where...? #

Every waiter, cook or bartender in Santa Fe is only temporarily out of "the business".

They're just waiting for Spielberg to hit town.

So if you can't wait, cook or sing, you hang out here, in case the opera calls you up.

Santa Fe being the Sadler's Wells of the States.

Here's one of me with the make-up lady putting the fine touches to my costume, prior to my audition.

# Our next stop is Parma

# The heartless, tartless menace

# Then Madua Then Padua

# Then we open again

# Where?

# In Venice. #

APPLAUSE

Ha-ha! old Wayne did this, too, you know.

Anyway, there we are, chaps. Sorry about that.

A bit of pork and black bean. I hope you like it.

Let me just give you some.

You must tell me... This is my show, but this is your town,

and if you don't like it, you just tell me, OK? Oh, I will.

'Al and Boots and their dog Tarquin just happened to be taking time out

'from being waite-... I mean, stuntmen, to give us a hand.'

Very nerve-racking, this kind of thing. These guy have got rods,

Colt 45s and things stashed and will probably shoot me. Three beers, my good man, please. Coming up.

One...

two...

..three.

GLASS SLIDING

GLASS SMASHING

So...is it silver bullets or is it all right? Very tasty. Good.

Listen, you guys - sorry about that Americanism -

what's it actually.... You're really interested, aren't you, Boots(?)

You don't like it. I don't like it. Dog don't like it.

I'm hungry. What is this? I got it out of a Santa Fe cookery book

and it's... Is that the wrong thing to say?

No, I just like Santa Fe, but... This pork...tastes like beef.

It's been cooked a long time, of course, but it's American pork.

And the beans? And the beans are black beans.

Looks like rabbit pellets. It does? Now I don't want to eat it.

Don't taste too bad, though. Could use a little more chilli.

Maybe she wants her own table. Want your own table? Come on.

Come on. Got your own table. You like that?

She likes it. It's just that she wants to be private.

Good girl.

Santa Fe is also the capital of American chic.

There are more artists here than St Ives.

It was settled by the Spanish in the '70s, I mean, 17th century!

I love this specially composed music by my chums, The Stranglers!

MUSIC: " Burnham Beeches" by The Stranglers

The silver and turquoise mines round here provide the Indians with materials for this jewellery.

Not that I'm that interested in it! At least it saves me from rabbiting on about architecture.

I'm here not only for the fashion, but to take on the Mayor, Sam Pick,

a noted cook, in an international chilli cook-off.

You're now in the oldest capital in the States, the second-oldest city

and the only capital in the US without an airline service.

It goes downhill from there, but we make the best chilli!

I'm proud to represent my community in this chilli cook-off

for which I've prepared for 12 years.

Thank you. It's nice to meet you. It's good to see you! Thank you for coming.

I don't like the sound of any of this!

Look, I've got bottled chillies, but the Mayor has got hand-dried ones, probably from his garden!

'He's also got a "chilli chopper". I think that's what they call it.'

Chilli is made using the BEST sirloin beef, OK? It isn't the minced topside you see in England.

Use the very best sirloin steak.

You also have chopped onions, chopped carrots, fresh chilli.

You also have, at this time of year, some frozen chilli cooked off in chicken stock and onions,

finely-chopped garlic, dried oregano.

We would have had fresh, only this is March.

Black pepper, bay leaves, and, to thicken my ultimate sauce, a roux made from butter and flour.

The rest is down to God and a large Kentucky Fried Gentleman, which my assistant has NOT supplied.

Have a look at him, Clive. What we're doing here is...

Keith's absolutely right. The best meat makes the chilli the finest. Today, I'm using pork.

Actually, pork with the liquid is the way to do it.

Then you scrape that fat off and you use that liquid

and that really makes people enjoy it.

You don't have to worry so much about the spices, because when you're pressure-cooking this pork,

you can put in garlic salt, salt and onions, which would save it.

When you're a small city like us, you can't afford those things!

So...

I've browned my meat, my chopped onions are going in. Also a jolly good dollop of garlic.

Plus a few carrots and some of the fresh chillies.

I've left the seeds in to make it fairly hot and that will do it.

What kind of chilli? Is it registered hot?

Let's see. Green chilli, extra hot. You're dead! Let that simmer.

People will hate you for it!

Despite all the fun, and this is a serious competition, I AM trying to beat the Mayor here.

As with all simple dishes, you must take your time. Don't just pour liquid on now.

You must let the onions and meat sweat, let the juices come out. Patience is essential.

Never mind the prizes. Worry about the taste! I'm chopping my tomatoes finer.

I'm putting the green chilli in.

A leading chef told me if I put in tomatoes, I had NO chance to win.

And yet... Then, I'm not putting MINE in!

Record this - there will be NO tomatoes put in this chilli!

I have been bluffed out by my idol. So we'll just put tomato sauce in?! Oh, right! Good.

Still reducing the onions, carrots,

the meat, garlic, oregano, and the pepper.

Shortly, I'm going to add my secret ingredient -

these brilliant, extra strong peppers, given by a famous chef who HAS won this competition.

I've already cooked them with onion and chicken stock. They now go in.

Chicken stock's a good idea.

Still toying with the idea of throwing the tomatoes in for colour.

I want to let the judges know, subliminally,

that if they see tomatoes and want to keep their jobs,

it might be a good idea to vote right.

I'll be making a major decision as to whether to do that.

Because I DIDN'T precook my meat... GALES OF LAUGHTER

Because I didn't precook mine, I did it from raw. It takes longer.

I guess that's the English way and Sam's is the American way.

I can see you've made an excellent decision there. It looks beautiful.

And it looks as if it's finishing at the right time.

It's now 12.20 Central Floyd Time, and my dish won't be ready for another 45 minutes.

So we rely on the director to dream up a cutaway sequence,

so that the meat can bubble away, you won't be bored,

and you'll come back at tasting time.

Very good.

MUSIC: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" film theme

Hi. Two whiskies, please. We don't serve Limeys in here.

I don't want lime in my whisky. You don't listen too good, do ya?

'How do you do? My name is Sue.'

Right!

GUNSHOTS

'Film producers everywhere, don't forget, Clint is going into politics

'and I'm available as the meanest cook in town.'

Do you know, this is extraordinary.

We've come to the critical moment.

90 minutes has gone by and Clive is on a ladder.

Clive, climb down! I know the shot's beautiful, but we HAVE been working hard, I want to win,

but the Mayor's got me beat hands down, I feel.

Come and see what we've done.

CRUMBLING RUBBLE

The lynch mob, er, judges are gathering over there, and I have to finish this dish.

This is the way I do it. I melt butter into it and, it's no joke, I put ice into it!

Not to cool it down, but to get a bit more liquid into the pot. Back to me, Clive!

Those are beef stock ice cubes. Bit of a deal, eh?!

You know, I've marvelled at this and I think that's a wonderful dish.

The compliments ought to go to the people in England

who have a feel for the interaction of foods.

You're looking at a product which is basically not something

we do in the southwest, but would if we knew how to do it!

Very few people have that talent. We're seeing it demonstrated today.

You haven't had much experience with chilli... None whatsoever!

..but you know how to make a tasty meal. That's the bottom line -

is it good or not? We'll see. Let's look at yours. It's different.

Mine is more simplistic, as befits a politician that doesn't make a lot of money!

'He precooked his meat because, he knew that, 7,000 feet above sea

'level, things take longer to cook. Strange he forgot to tell me(!)'

If I do lose badly, no-one will see

cos I'll censor one or two TV stations in our state!

Let's go to the lynching party! We're ready! I'm ready!

Mine's thick enough, the pork is there...

Now, for the social science sketch. Subject - American mayors.

'American mayors don't potter around in chains.

'They're the real power in town. You don't mess with the Mayor!

'These unbiased...huh-hum... judges are in his employ.

'To paraphrase Tom Lehrer, "Nothing could be done because he was the Mayor's son." '

Who's going to vote for A?

Who's going to vote for A?

I'm going to vote for B. Hands up for B.

B is more Santa Fe. B is more what we love.

It's more subtle.

We have a very special stew here. Mayor, please open envelope B.

On behalf of the Academy... Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me an honour...

The winner, in envelope B, is...

the Mayor.

I would like to thank all my employees for judging as I have instructed them to judge.

I would presume that, when I went to England, the same treatment might be given to me that we have given

to the people from England.

We're honoured that you gave us a chance to show you how our chilli

is done. Tonight, you'll be upset.

I'm going to shoot myself! You're perfect! You oughta be a constituent.

MUSIC: "Land of Hope and Glory"

That's it! Bonsoir. Good night. Au revoir. Ciao. Auf wiedersehen.

# Big girls don't cry

# Big girls don't cry... #

Clive, you can do the next bit on your own.

Clive, welcome to El Farol. These are tapas - Spanish appetisers.

We make meals out of appetisers. Firstly, what we have here, Clive...

Yes? ..is Moroccan eggplant or, as your English say, aubergine.

We serve it on these small tapas plates, with a little pimiento.

Then we put a little pesto,

which is made with cumin and olive oil. Looks very nice!

That's one of the tapas. Small plates.

Then we go on to...a salad made of tuna, quail eggs,

potatoes and capers. Yum-yum!

Then, quinoa. The protein is almost complete, with all the amino acids. It's very healthy!

I tell people, "Be careful, it's healthy!"

Next, shrimp and sun-dried tomatoes.

The tomatoes come from Italy. We serve it with local goat cheese.

Then, three different kinds of Spanish cheeses

with sun-dried tomatoes, fresh tomatoes and olives.

Lastly, vegetables in a raspberry vinaigrette.

When the Spanish tell me this isn't exactly how it was done in Spain, my answer to them is usually,

"This is the New Spain."

COMMENTARY: 'The Spanish imprint on New Mexico is deep and permanent.

'The Spanish first came here with Coronado's expedition, in 1540-1542...'

And of course they invented bingo. Thank you, Barry, the cheque's in the post.

Now, cooking with Clive and his latest chum, Ned Leventhal. This is a leaf of cactus.

When I first thought someone might want to eat cactus, I thought it was funny. Who could eat a cactus?!

Its spines are a problem. How do you get the spines off?

Sometimes they make you pick them out one by one. I had a new idea.

It reminds me of when my mother would singe a chicken at home.

We just put this on the fire. You can see those little spines burning right off.

This'll start splattering around pretty soon.

Fresh rosemary, which I think goes nicely with the cactus, and some scallions.

You take the cactus...

When you're a child and you hate to eat vegetables because they're kind of mushy in your mouth -

that's what cactus is like.

Some people say it's like okra. I suppose okra is the closest thing.

It has the jell-like slime, or whatever, in the middle.

Our food has to look gorgeous.

Tasting good is one thing, but you have to make it look beautiful.

That's the appeal of the tapas bar. It's very colourful. It has appeal.

We serve this with a romesco sauce.

This is made with roasted red peppers, almonds,

garlic and some chilli.

It's mildly spiced, though, with a very nice flavour.

That's the southwest, right there.

'The Spanish imprint on New Mexico is deep and permanent...'

Thank you, Barry! Oh, all right(!)

These cliff dwellings were the homes of the Tewa Indians, a peaceful, farming race,

until they were hassled out by the Spaniards. The Americans gave them no favours, either.

Still feeling sore after losing the chilli cook-off, I decided to come to the Santa Clara Pueblo

for more lessons from my new chum, Laurie Vermillion.

Is this a traditional dish? It's one of the traditional dishes.

In fact, a lot of people eat it three times a day. My goodness me!

Yes, they mix it with any of their meat foods. OK.

We've got some diced pork which we'll put into the pot. What else? We need some onions.

Half of that goes in. Shall I dice some up? You want to dice it? We've got some already diced.

Tell me a bit about what your life is like on a reservation and I'll chop some of this.

Have you always, always been here? I've lived here all my life.

I'm one of the older, tradition people.

I lived when we had... We were self-sufficient.

We did everything, for our food, for sustaining us.

And that meant hunting and stuff? Hunting, and we had... All these

were full of corn, wheat, oats.

We had cattle, we had pigs,

we had chickens, rabbits. We raised all them and had to feed them.

So we had... People did a lot of farming.

Is this a magic mountain? The Black Mesa. In the Revolution, some people - Indians -

got away from the Spaniards, and they wanted to hide, so they went up on that mountain.

At night, they'd come down to get food - killed rabbits, or slaughtered a calf, or something.

They stayed there for several days during the Revolution. Like resistance fighters? Yes.

Back to our red chilli! We need to mix up some chilli powder and some blue corn. Is that right? Yes.

Put about four teaspoons. Is this going to be really hot? Mm-hm.

I think you'd better put the stove on. It's on! It's cooking? It's cooking!

This is the BBC, Laurie. We know how to light the gas!

Don't we? Yes.

That's plenty. What do we mix that with?

Mix it real good. With water. And make that into a paste.

Make it like a paste, but softer. Right.

We'll tip that into the pot of meat. Be sure it's all dissolved.

Clive, we've done a lot of these cooking things. Things cook for hours. This'll take a long time.

Find something to do. Go back to the bread oven, or something.

The cynical observer may think that these ladies leap into their traditional costumes

as the dust from an approaching film crew appears on the horizon. It may be true!

But for sure, the time-honoured way of burning cedar wood in a clay oven,

checking the heat with corn husks, produces the best bread I ate in America.

Despite the dazzling choice, it all tasted like steamed blotting-paper.

However, I digress

and back to my chilli, which WAS good, thank goodness!

Is it up to expectations? It's very good.

You did a good job! How do you say "good night" in Tewa?

THEY GIVE DIFFERENT VERSIONS

Ladies, if I can interrupt there for a second...

If I may interrupt... If THEY don't know how to say "good night" in Tewa, I've got NO chance!

So from them and from me, good night! Credits over the mountains, please.

'The Spanish imprint on New Mexico is deep and permanent.

'The Spanish first came to New Mexico with Coronado's

'expedition in 1540-1542...'

HIS VOICE CONTINUES TO ECHO