27/11/2011 Something for the Weekend

Good morning. Welcome to Sunday. We're live with you until 11.30.

Joining us in the studio is writer, director and standup comic Stephen

Merchant. And making a mad dash from the

airport is Liverpool legend John Bishop. Where is he? He's on his

way, rushing. Has he landed? I hope he has because otherwise, it's not

going to be a very interesting intervau. He has a whole entourage

with him - he's just any, normal bloke. I have heard that for years.

We have cocktails, and of course, comedy, and we'll, as ever, be

looking forward to the best of next week's telly. Yes, this is

Good morning, and welcome to Something For the Weekend. John

Bishop has landed apparently, private jet. Where do private jets

go into? I think it's just downstairs. I wonder where he goes

- it's just... He's such a nice bloke. I have known John for 20

years. You're saying now he's horrible? Is that what you're

saying? Now it's straight through to his PA now. He's changed.

Really? Prawn cocktails at the march. His people call your people?

Yeah. I am glad he's not here. We're not going to discuss

Liverpool today because since the Something For the Weekend diary,

there has been two huge matches, so we can't talk about it, and

Chelsea... I must admit, when I was watching the game... You were

watching the game? It was on, and I felt kind of weird because the

first thing I thought was about you guys, and I thought, you're going

to be gutted, and you're going to be so happy. As ever, Tim's phone

after they were beaten with Johnson scoring in the last minute, Tim's

phone didn't work. I got enough texts off him, I'll tell you. But

then we went on to mid-week, we didn't do too well in the

Champions' League either. How did you get on in the Champions' League

football either? We're not in it this year, Tim. No, you're not.

Have you ever won that? When was the last time you won the League?

There is a lot of 20 smf something- year-old kids out there, Liverpool

fans, never seen you win the League. I am glad we got that out of the

way. Let's talk about dancing instead. It was Strictly last night.

I am going Team Savage. I want him to win now because he's a

footballer. We have some footage. Brendan. This is the third time he

stepped in this series. Why? Because there's injuries? They're

hurting themselves. They're obviously really going for it.

Jason Donovan there. He's doing the Charleston. There he is - go on,

Savage! Yes! Look at that. Ha, ha, ha! I don't know what to think.

What? He's a funny player, a nice bloke. I admire him because to come

out of sport and to go into something like that and really go

into it... Is it harder for the football players than the rugby

players and the cricket players? don't know. I would say footballers

because I know how footballers are. I think it takes guts to get up and

do that. Do you think Jamie would do that? I think he'd prefer to eat

his arm. Does he dance? No. Does he ever take you on to the dancefloor

and spin some shapes? After maybe 20 alcoholic benchs. I would think

Jamie is a dancer. Move on. He's got rhythm. He plays football.

got a little groove - no, no. right. As well as... He'll be

mortified. Let's talk about our guest today. As well as doing

stand-up and dancing like John Travolta in front of 400,000 people

across the UK, John Bishop has just created and starred on a drama

based on his youth in Liverpool. There he is with a bald head. He'll

be telling us all about his busy projects and show when he arrives

off his jet with his entourage. We're joined by Stephen Merchant,

who following success with Life's Too Short and An Idiot Abroad is

touring with his Hello Ladies show in an attempt to find a wife.

was playing Wolverhampton last night. Did he find a Hello Ladies?

I didn't ask him. But he says he's tired. If you have a question for

either John or Steve, e-mail it via What have we got going on with food,

Simon? It's winter, so it's a nice wintry dish. We're going to smoke

some fish - smoked grey mullet - look at that we're just going to

smoke it in a wok. Looks like pastry. Is that on coleslaw? Yeah,

fennel and ram laud coleslaw and Blazing Bailey, we have never done

this on the show before. That on is a gentleman's relish. Anchovy

flavour with beet is delicious even though it sounds weird. Gentleman's

relish? Yeah. Desert is an apple fudge cake. This is as tasty as

Glen Johnson's left foot last week in the penalty area for Stamford

Bridge - fudge, apples, cake, delicious. Finally, another winner,

Bombay potato and spinach pie - layers of feta - feta? Filo

pastry... Is it because you're reliving the moment of the score?

That moment, that cross-field pass from Charlie - had it coming, then

Glen just coming through and popping it up. It was a great

moment. Yadda, yadda, yadda. It's going to be a great morning.

can look up all of his recipes on the website, and hopefully try them

yourself. But here is what else is happening on the show today.

Warwick goes flat hunting in Life's Too Short. As far as the estate

agent is concerned, I am just some cool dude with short arms and deep

pockets. You can meet the American Nomads.

didn't enjoy it very much. I could do it, but I wouldn't like it.

There are robotic lution Frontline Medicine. This is the world's first

bionic lower limb. OK. Wayne has abandoned us again to

go and help with the Greek debt crisis, so we welcome back the King

of science cocktails, Tristan Stephenson. What have you got for

us? We're going to be doing a twist on a classic eggnog, but it's going

to be served had one of these, an ice cream cone. Is it going to be

ice cream? We'll be making alcoholic eggnog ice cream, yes.

Look forward to that. What are you making us? We're going to smoke

some beautiful gremallat. We have naip maple, but it could be oak,

ash, sawdust, whatever flavour you want, really. We have some carrot,

fennel, onion... Isn't this the all-important bit though? You go to

places, and they say this is our all-important smoking technique?

Yes. It is on all levels, but at the end of the day we're going to

smoke this quite quickly. What are we smoking it with? This is maple,

but you can use oak, whatever chippings you can get. Oak is

probably the most popular one to do, but again, this is a very fast

smoke. If you ever you thought to yourself, I could actually smoke

something, this is how simple it is. I saw all about smoking at a museum.

Are you joking? Disney is nothing when you can go to a sardine museum.

You have not stopped talking about it since. "Ooh, dad, can we please

go to the sardine museum?" Did you not hear about it? You might not

have been on the show. You get a little plastic fish. You sit there

with tins, and they get little plastic fish and they line them up

in the tins. It's interactive. not even commenting on your day out.

Take the kids down there. Take Jamie. He'll love it.

LAUGHTER Great. Rock 'n' roll. We're doing

gremallat. But you can do it with a piece of salmon or sea bass. It's

delicious to smoke that. This is up to room temperature, then salt it.

Get plenty of sea salt on there. Then sit it for ten minutes to draw

a little bit of moisture out. home, it's going to make the house

stink. Do it in the garden. We're all going to be going for three

days after... Do it in the garden. That's why I often make Jamie do

the fish or meat in the garden on the barbecue. He's out there with

an umbrella cooking his salmon! yes, you could do this outside but

you know what? Open the windows. Vent it well. It's smoked to

preserve it? Yes. That's the traditional way of doing it. You're

drying it out so it lasts a long time. Salt it. Leave it for five

minutes or so, rinse it off, pat it dry. Then all you need, wok,

chippings, into there. Put that on the stove top, let it get really

hot, light it so it flames. This is a special smoking top so we've got

vents in here, OK? What's going on underneath? No, because I don't

want to reveal the beautiful finish. I'm going to slide it on. This has

Ahh! It's a bit of a Pandora's box moment. So we slide that in there.

Amazing! Wow. That will be about 12 minutes or so. What we're looking

for now is a delicious flavour that'll come from it. The smell in

here is amazing. So work for you, children - Lou, if you would add

lemon juice, parsley and mayo in. Tim, shave off the carrots and the

same with the fennel, and I'll chock a little bit of red onion.

I went to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant the other night, and I

had duck, and as part of the male, they had duck hearts. I was eating

duck hearts. What was it like? tasted delicious, but they looked

awful! They looked "offal"! It's a joke, Louise. Tim! It's a joke.

They looked awful. They lookedny, actually. What was the best thing

you it a? I quite liked that. It was interesting to eat duck's heart.

If you're eating duck, I know whatever part of it you're eating -

but do you not kind of think, this is the heart? I never mind that.

don't mind. It's expensive, but my friend picked up "the bill" it's a

joke, you see, because ducks have bills. Oh, no. I think I preferred

the sardine museum! It was interesting. They're about the size

of a mushroom stroke walnut. Have you had them, a duck's heart?

Never. It's weird because it's slightly more chewy in texture than

normal meat. I remember having hearts as a kid and really

disliking them. It's that old-style food, isn't it? Offal, we used to

use every bit of the meat. How about doing this with the fennel

like this? Quite nice. It's a nice little implement. Everyone keeps

asking me where I got it. I don't know. I have looked for one. I

can't find it anywhere. Is that actually yours? No, it's the

Something For the Weekend family, so we have had it a long time. It's

a bit of a family air loom -- heirloom now. Would you like me to

put this in now? It's interesting to eat. We have objection cheek

later. I have never had that. exactly what it says - you think of

the size of the cow's head - it's a great piece of meat. Would the

reason for doing that is it is a tastier piece of meat? It is tasty,

but it's about the cooking process, about cooking it really slowly, so

what you have to do is break down the tissues of the meat, so it's

really slow cooked. It turns out from being an FBI rouse piece of

meat to something that falls apart. That's fine. Lou, chuck all of that

into there and give it a good mix around. So what we've got is an

intense smoky flavour of the fish and the acidity. We have that

lovely combination. This is how our mullet starts - it's gorgeous. If

you have never had mullet, if you like the flavour of sea bass, then

there is a similarity in that flavour. Now, here is our beautiful

moment... Ahh! Look - how gorgeous is that? So we go from the fish

looking like that to looking like that, and the smell is...

sawdust is different, though, right? We have bigger ones in here.

A few chips in there, but you can do it with sawdust or chipping -

it's easier if you do it on an open top like that. The sawdust will

light more quickly. You have to work harder with the chippings, so

it's chips of maple, sawdust. Sawdust? Yeah. That's all because

we're just basically kind of smoking with - you can use tea as

well. A really simple thing to do - you can do tea, sugar and a little

bit of rice is a good smoking base as well. So a little bit of our

lovely acidity there, and then we simply lift out this glorious...

I'm quite excited about eating this. It does look amazing, like pastry.

Yeah. The thing about it is, we've done this in realtime - or rather

in a short space of time - 12 minutes to do that piece of fish,

and you always imagine the smoking process - it takes hours and hours.

Delicious, smoky. I have to say, as someone that was quite concerned

for the smoke, it wasn't that smoky. No. Was it? In a short amount of

time, you get that nice smoky flavour without it being hugely

overpowering. You can do it with any piece of fish or meat. What are

we doing for the main course? Braised ox cheeks with gentleman's

all of today's recipes. I will ask you about that in a minute. Warwick

Davis has decided to buy a new flat and clearly a strategy is needed to

ensure success. This is Life's Too This is how we'll play it, you're

my right-hand woman and you ask all the questions. It will seem like

I'm too important even to talk. No- one knows what I'm thinking. As far

as the estate agent is concerned, I'm just some cool dude with short

Lovely, isn't it? Yeah. No. No? But it's him you have to please.

What do you think? No-one knows what he's thinking. He doesn't even

know what he's thinking. I know. knows. You need to find ou. Don't

charge him too much because he has small little arms so he can't reach

his pockets. That's not what I said. I have short arms and deep pockets.

You can cringe with Warwick in Life's Too Short on Thursday at

9.30pm on BBC Two. Our first guest cameos in Life's

Too Short and also in an An Idiot Abroad. He has a string of writing

credits including The Office and he's pretty good at stand up.

am I doing stand-up comedy? First reason I'm doing stand-up is that

any money I make, I don't have to share with you know who. Yeah.

They're serving nachos in the cinema now. Where is it going to

stop. Pock corn, nachos, a couple of Granny smiths, walnuts and rice

Chris piz. It's mental. 21 years old frgs do you know when

they were born? 1990. Who was born in 1990? I have tinned food older

than that. She made her a way across through the crowd, "Excuse

me are you going to be here for a while. "I I said "Yes, I am." She

said, "Great because my friends and I have arranged to meet back at you.

"Welcome back to something for the weekend, Stephen Merchant. Thank

you for having me back. Touring last night, Wolverhampton. How did

it go? It was all right, OK, you know, it's just very tiring. I was

talking to John Bishop about it. The gig is fine. That's fun. You're

up there for an hour or whatever. It's the travel and the hotels. I

thought it would be a lot more rock-and-roll. I thought there

would be a lot more gentleman cuesies and beautiful, beautiful --

jacuzzis and beautiful women. you putting it out there that you

want that after your show? No, the show, the original concept was that

I was going to talk about my search for a wife, which has not gone well

over the years. Then I started getting quite creepy letters from

women. I don't know how they got my address. I'm sure they're lovely,

they would include photographs and what I can only describe as love

CVs. Which had "I was in a relationship between '92 and 93 and

now I live with 17 cats." It's not really a search for a wife it's

more a discussion on why I've failed to find a wife. Not tempted

by any of them? No, no, I'm going on dates with all of them. Carley

says "I was at your Bradford gig the other night when a man in the

audience offered you a woman." Is that the weirdest thing that's

happened on tour, are you getting offered women? No a man stood up

and seemed to offer me a lady. I couldn't ses stab lish who he was.

I couldn't tell if he was a relative of hers, or just next to

her in the theatre. It's that lovely Yorkshire manner, you know.

We have women for you, enjoy. she says, go on, do my word for me.

Just shout out in a room of a thousand people. You've gone back

to stand up. You started by doing stand up, which some people aren't

aware of. Have you changed your style since then? I had to. My

original act was a bit more post- modern. Because known knew who I

was back then. I was probably braver in a way. I started trying

to do that act when I came back to it and it didn't make sense to them.

I had to start from the ground floor really and work my way back

to it. It's a bit like probably boxing or something, you have to be

match fit. You have to get back in the ring and take the punches. I

have been dabbling in small clubs around London for a couple of years,

slowly building up to this moment. You'll never do it again? No, this

is the debut tour and the farewell tour all in one. Unless there's a

lot more jacuzzis. Do you enjoy, obviously you're well known for

your writing and the programmes you've done, do you prefer the

writing, is that where you feel most comfortable? There are

different pleasures with all of it. The stand up, it's easy to get cos

eted in the TV writing world. With stand up, you're there, it's raw.

You're on the stage. It reminds you what makes people laugh. It helps

with the writing. It feeds back into it. Remind us how you got to

write with Ricky. I sent in a CV to this radio station that I found out

was starting up. I'm pretty certain mine was the top one on the pile

and they thought, this guy would be fine. He invited me up. He said to

me, "Do you promise to do all the work, so I can swan around?" I was

kind of young. That's what happened. He was my boss for a little while.

I quickly realised he was going to get us both fired. I jumped ship

and joined the BBC. A year later he got fired. You've been so

instrumental in each other's success. That's true. There's a

danger of romanticising it. I'm sure if I met anyone else, we would

have had similar success. Scott in Devon says, because you write a lot

with Ricky, there's a rumour there's a new show called Derek

coming out and Sean Connery is starring in it. I've no idea about

that. Based in an old people's home. That might be a project that

Ricky's working on. I have no dealing was that or Sean Connery.

Much as I'd love to work with Sean. Is the writing 50/50? We sit in a

room and we just brain storm and throw ideas around. People tend to

think it's more glamorous than Catholicclibgz. Last winter we were

writing Life's Too Short. The heating broke, we were huddled

round in our coats. It was like something from Dickens. It's lots

of hard work, talking, bashing your head against a wall. You're going

to the States, how does your stand- up go down over. There I never know

if the Americans get our sense of humour or they don't. I've never

done it over there before. I'm anxious about tkha for exactly that

reason. I don't think the sense of humour is radically different.

There's a lot of references. I'm amazed how they don't understand

what I'm saying. I don't think I have a terribly broad West Country

accent. It annoys me. I want to go, I'm speaking English. This is

English. I'm from England. They get the programmes. The Office is big.

They get the sense of humour that you carry in your stand up. I think

it's the internet. I think the trade across the Atlantic of humour

much easier than it used to be. Years ago you had to wait for the

TV, now you watch stuff on u tube. Ricky has agreed to do the Golden

Globes in American which has been a controversial thing. Sorry about

that. Do you write that with him? contributed some jokes or worked

with him on some jokes last time. I'd like to continue working in

America, so I keep my head low. People ask me in that country, "I

have no idea." Nothing to do with it. Karl Pilkington was on last

week. I asked him to give a question for you. This is it: Now

he's taken a third of my earnings off me, can we now draw a line

under the 50p incident? Is this something we can discuss on the

show? We were in a coffee shop, I gave him a fiver to go up to buy

coughies. He came back right it was �4.50. There was 50p change. He

kept it. It was something with the fact he helped me with free beer.

He took it as some kind of payment. My argument is this, the 50p, it's

my decision to give it to him or not. You don't just keep someone's

change. I'm with you. It's my call, isn't it? Why does he think it's

his? His argument is, it's only 50p, Steve, plus I helped you out with

the free beer. Which is a completely separate incident and

not involved with that at all. On the tour a number of people have

come up to the stage door and given me 50p to hand to him to draw a

line under it. Next time see him I will give him the damn 50p. I'm on

your side as well. I wonder if anyone out there thinks that Carl

is in the right. You can't take someone's money, agreed. It's like

not getting your change back. It's not right. It was only 50p, oh,

well. Where does it stop? Stephen is sticking with us to do some

cooking. Keep the e-mails coming in. You can also tweet.

I hope you have a good brain for nostalgia, because we need to know

the year in today's Deja View. The coal board have been granted

leave to bring an action for contempt against the miners union.

Though flying pickets have been withdrawn this morning, the coal

board reckons only 22 of the country's 175 pits are work.

Cambridge set a unique record in the 130th university boat race.

They sank before it began. They rammed a barge, smashing their bow

and the race was called off until tomorrow. The Prince and Princess

of Wales took their new baby son home this afternoon, just 22 hours

after he was born and his name has been announced. They're Henry,

You want me to turn them up? Turn up a few, preferrably with a print,

something to give us a lead. Not for the Treasury, for me. Tie it up

by lunch time, I'll buy you a drink. Jew pushing the boat out? Why not.

-- Are you pushing the boat out? I got it right last week. I'm not

going to do it this week. Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Liverpool's

finest. A Liverpool band? They are. '88. I'm going '86. Some time

around then. Mid to late 80s. Without football references we

haven't got a clue. Struggling. now let's look at what you've

cooked this week. This is Martin from Hayes in Middlesex, he made

the sticky toffee chocolate puddings. That's a nice picture. He

also wants to sell similaron, kolon the pool after last week's win

against Chelsea. The sentiments of the gentleman may not be my

sentiments. This is Emily and baby Fearne, which is fine. Do you know

what Emily's husband's name is? what? Liam Gallagher. "the" Liam

Gallagher? That remains to be seen. Where is she from? It doesn't say.

Secret location. OK. Finally Alexander who is 24 and Max, 17

from burli, and they're going to tuck into the milk poached pork

shold -- shoulder. Everyone says it looked odd but tasted great. Nice.

If you are going to cook anything we do on the show, do send the

So exo cheeks - this is an exciting one. I am excited. Flour, red wine,

stock. Are they expensive? I assume they're an expensive cut of meat?

They should be a cheap cut of meat, but I think as they become more

popular, then the price goes up, but yes, theoretically, they are.

Seems to be a lot of chefs cooking them now. We're all using things

like cheeks and skirt and shin - those slow-cooked - it all makes

for beautiful food. In wintertime, we want nice, hearty dishes. Again,

it's a commitment. Who can commit for cooking it for that length of

time - how long do we cook it for? Two-and-a-half two three hours.

It's a commitment. It's absolutely worth it. You can put it on at the

start of Football Live in the morning... 90 minutes. Two hours.

Your celebratory match, post-match. Then you're done. If you wait it

like that it's easy. Then we're making gentleman's relish which is

an anchovy-based buttery concoction. Is that what it is? I Googled it

last night. Nice spread on toast. Anchovy paste. Indeed. We have

Worcestershire sauce, nutmeg, cayenne, butter, lemon. I have

never heard of it before. Have you not? No. It's a great thing.

are you going to stick that on that? Beef and anchovy works well.

Surf and turf. Always a good thing, Tim. Except these things probably

don't swim in the sea. They do. They are small silvery fish. In

southern Spain, it's one of their big industries... How do they catch

those? Huge nets. So cheeks - chop those cheeks. Look at that it's

lovely. It's quite fibrous. We want to break all of this down so there

is lots of moisture and slow cooking, so cut that into six

pieces, that into four. Why would it taste any different than any

other part of the... It's not about taste. It's about texture. Cut that

down the middle. What you want is big chunks, Tim. It's tough. That's

exactly the thing. It's a tough muscle. Store that in your mind how

tough it is, then when we come to eat the finished dish, then you can

be excited at how deliciously tender... I bet this was really

cheap at one stage. Like pork belly - you couldn't give that away even

ten years ago. Now it's become popular, then supply and demand

means that pork belly is now an expensive cut of meat. We're going

to season up a little bit of flour. My grandparents used to eat lots of

offal, sheep's heart and... When you were a kid - did you ever eat

heart? No, I used to eat liver a lot. My parents used to give me

that - liver and bacon a lot. that for my tea last night. It was

delicious. Did you? Yeah. See, this is quite hard work, isn't it?

You're having to commit to chopping, which you like, good butchery - all

into the flour, toss it in the flour. This is going to give us a

base for our sauce. You can see how you're ever thinking of buying

braising steak and you think, I am just going to fry this, and you

know how horribly tough it is - what we have to do now is break

down the fibre of this meat, so we put a bit of flour on this, shake

off the excess into a nice hot pan, then we go into a normal casserole.

While I put this in, with the veg roughly chop the celery, the

carrots and leeks. That's going to give us a base for our sauce. We

want a bit of colour on it. You don't want to cook this out for too,

too long. We're looking to seal it, get some flour in there. This, as I

say, will be the base of our sauce. As this cooks away, give it a quick

shuffle around, you get some nice colour on that. It is good to do

exciting things, isn't it - I mean, new? Yeah. When I said I tried

duck's heart, it's nice to try something different. If you can't

get ahold of ox cheeks, with something like braced steak, any of

the cheap cuts of meat, like shoulder or there is a lot of

venison around at the moment - it's sinewy and slow, slow cooked. We

have colour on there. Seal it for longer than I have done. Chuck all

of that veg into here. Again, a little touch more oil in this. We

have our carrots, celery and our leeks - a base for our sauce. Give

this a little bit of a zir like that cook those out for a couple of

minutes, a pinch of salt and pepper. Was they haveened, a -- they have

softened, a few minutes ago, put a glug of wine in there. Give that a

quick stir around. Smells good. Lovely. Start to reduce the wine a

little bit, then we add a big load of strong beef stock - goes into

there. That goes in, bring that up to the boil, then we pop the meat

back in, drop it down to a simmer, pop a lid on it, then cook it out

for at least two-and-a-half hours, a really long, slow cook. You can

put it in the oven if you want or the hob, whichever way you want to

do it. If you want to do this while watching football, put it in the

oven. You don't have to worry about it bubbling dry. For the

gentleman's relish, we need all the butter into there together with

everything - we'll have the lemon juice. Just chop those anchovies in

half. I am amazed you have never had this. I always think it's a

Christmasy thing. If ever you get food hampers at Christmas, you

often get it in there. It's the big week for me this week. Six months I

have been trying to learn how to play tennis. I have been learning

because we're trying to encourage people to play tennis. Have you

ever played? I haven't played since I was 18. I love it. This week I am

playing at the Royal Albert hall. I am partnering - is that right?

going to go straight in with the anchovies. Who are you partnering?

Lorraine Kelly. Lorraine is Scottish, so is Andy Murray, so I

am hoping I have the advantage. Have you met with Lorraine? Yeah,

played with her. She said on her show the other day I am taking it

too seriously. Lorraine, sport is serious. You can't take sport too

seriously. You know that. I want to make sure she puts the effort in. I

don't want her mucking about. want to come and watch it. Royal

Albert Hall. If you're coming Thursday, come early so you can

watch us play. It will be fun. you e-mail in or Tweet in, we'll

tell you about it. We have lovely, lovely flavours. Once that comes

together, if you find you haven't softened the butter enough, add a

little touch of warm water, then that'll actually help to blend it.

Smells good. Smells really good. Then we spatulate all of this out

and roll it into a sausage and pop it in the fridge, so what you end

up with is a log of anchovy butter to all intents and purposes. Right?

All that goes in. Thank you. Now, what we've got from our delicious

ox cheeks is this. This is what happens - oh, my goodness - that is

so lovely. All greasy! If you hold either end, Tim, and twist in

opposite directions, you'll get that tension. Look at that! That's

today's top tip, Tim, perfect. In they go and... Look. Pretty good,

not too dissimilar. Tag team we have this lovely now hard,

delicious anchovy paste or gentleman's relish. This has

bubbled away for three hours. It's soft. It's falling apart. The sauce

is delicious. What we do to serve - we have mashed potato - we have

done this before - a little bit of cling film on to your spoon...

Quinnel... And it means it won't stick. Is that with a Q? Here we go

- a little bit of that on there, and then we spoon some of this

glorious ox cheek on to there. excited about this. Honestly, the

flavour and the texture... This has been cooking for two-and-a-half

hours? A good two-and-a-half hours. We have a sprinkling of parsley on

there to give it grassiness. cheek? What time is it? Half past

10.00am? I normally have ox cheek at that time! 20 to 11.00am.

Dig in. Remember, Tim, how that felt when you were cutting it. It

was quite tough, but now... Wow! That is tender. That is tender.

my grandmother would say, "You can suck it away," which apparently is

a complement. Mmm. It's good, soft - we have gone from that hard,

fibrous piece of meat, Tim, to something that is just falling

apart. That is delicious. I am loving the gentleman's relish as

well. Gentleman's relish? Yeah, gentleman's relish. Is that for us

ladies, a little message, don't eat it? It's a gift, anchovy paste -

it's heaven. I'll take your word for it. What's John going to be

cook next? We're doing an apple fudge cake. Nice. That recipe is on

our website. Keep Tweeting your questions in too at SFTW. Right.

This is a road trip. These are travelling partner and a three-time

world champion. They travel around in a white Chevy van with two other

cowboys, and they themselves The world champion, three-time...

America's original extreme sport invented by working cowboys in the

1880s out of their skill of breaking wild horses.

How many days a year you on the road? Over 200. It varies. There

was a couple of years I was hurt for a couple of months or so, quite

a few less rodeos, but I would say on average 220-240 days a year. My

office is where I make it! What do you think would happen to you if

you tried to work a 9.00am to 5.00pm job? I could do it, but I

wouldn't like it! And you can watch American Nomads on Monday at

10.00pm on BB - BB - BBC Four! Right. Our next guest has been

having a busy year, has been doing stand-up Tuesday, has been in A

League of Their Own and has written and directed and starred in Sky 1's

series little. Welcome to the show John Bishop. Little Crackers - you

didn't even know we had this clip on, did you? No. Little Crackers -

I said, I look forward to seeing it myself. Before we show a clip, can

you explain the concept of it? brilliant. It's a thing that Sky do.

I got asked to do it. They did a series last year, and the it's 11-

minute shorts, so last year the people they had doing it were Dawn

French and people like that - all did one. This year I am doing one -

I can't remember who else, to be honest with you. I don't really

care who else. LAUGHTER

But what happens is, they come up and they said, it's got to be a

Christmas-themed story that you can condense into 11 minutes, so when I

watched the ones last year like Catherine Tate and stuff, they were

very much autobiographical, so I did a story about when me and my

brother sold teddy bears around doors at Christmas. It's based on

that, because my dad at the time had a little workshop - a unit

making gates, but no-one bought gate at Christmas, so they

convinced someone they could make Teddy bears. They got a big order,

and the fella ran off and didn't pay them. So they just paid

everyone in teddy bears, so we got teddy bears for wages and went

around the doors selling them. wrote and directed this and acted

it with a baldy hat on. Yeah, yeah. What character are you playing?

dad's mate, Bobby. Because I wanted it to be real, Bobby was bald.

There is only our family and Bobby's family that knows Bobby was

bald. Everybody keeps going, "Why are you bald?"

LAUGHTER Let's have a look.

What do you mean? We can't find him. It looks like he's gone back to

Africa. What does that mean? means there is no order. And no

wages. What? Dad, who is Irish Mick? Just some big Irish lad with

a nose. He's got - he used to have stalls on the market. Why has he

gone to Africa? Because that's where he's from. Where is he called

Irish Mick? Will you stop asking stupid questions? Listen, son, we

have been trying to work things on, move some on. Any joy? Not really.

The shops have already put their orders in. What are you going to

do? It's Christmas next week. and Bobby have been talking. We

thought we'd pay you in teddy bears. That looks brilliant. How exciting

is it - your dad - It's great. Bobby has passed on now. It's great

to immortalise him. It was great. That was filmed in a factory that

was very much like the unit they had. They did all the other stuff

on the road I grew up on. Was it weird seeing scenes acted out that

you have obviously directed about your life? And Josh, the lad who

played me, he never acted before. He was brilliant. We were very

lucky with the cast. They were fantastic. It was great getting him

because I got him doing the stuff, and you're looking at him, you want

him to act, and you think - you want him to be yourself, but --

himself, but a bit like you. that the first time you directed?

Yeah. Did you like it? I loved it. It's something I am looking at

again. It's great to do, to be honest. Although there is a bit at

the end where he gets to kiss a girl -

LAUGHTER And the girl is gorgeous. There was

absolutely - she was absolutely gorgeous, and so - he's got to kiss

this girl who is playing a 16-year- old who is actually 21, and he kept

on messing it up so he'd have to do it again. At the end as a director,

I had to go, this is what you're doing! So as a director, you can be

a bit of a perv! Are you enjoying the acting? You're doing more of it.

Is this something you're going to end up doing? The bedrock of

everything I do is stand-up. Anything that comes out, it only

happens because of the stand-up. The stand-up is the big thing. If

opportunities come along, you have to take them. Let's talk about your

stand-up. You have your DVD out. Where was it filmed? Have a guess.

It was filmed in Liverpool at the You go to put the wobbly baby into

the car seat. Then all of a sudden, that wobbly baby turns to a plank

of wood. LAUGHTER

Scousers, we need to swear. It's true. If we don't swear, we've got

no punctuation. It's when we try not to swear that we make that

other noise where we go errr... You're in Asda, and you think, I

could do with one them. I know Gok Wan, but as far as I'm concerned if

you're buying your fashion in the same place you buy your sprouts,

it's not kicking it sister. You know what I'm saying. We mentioned

at the beginning of the show, at the end you do a dance routine.

come out as John Travolta doing night fever, dance ago way. It's

quite nice, I was saying to the guys, it was something different.

It was all of a sudden the music come ourbgts I wasn't expecting it.

I was speaking to Stephen before, because I'm in big theatres and

arenas, you came to the Albert Hall. The show is structured to build up

to something. As an experience it was brilliant, a great tour.

going to say, this show was lots about your family. I've met them.

It all comes into place. People can relate to it so much because we've

been in similar situations. Will you carry, will it be based around

family life? Talking about my grand kids? I don't know. Will it be

about the next step in your kids' ages. You don't want to get away

from who you are. In essence, I never planned to be a comedian, so

I'm not somebody who writes jokes. I can only talk about was going on

in my life. I basically walk around all day, hoping something funny

happens so I can tell people. I haven't got that sort of mentality

so say right I'm going to sit down and just observe the world and make

something funny of it. I can't imagine not being able to do stand-

up that's not personal. Obviously, I have to respect the fact that my

lads are now teenage lads and there's stuff they don't want to

talk about. You're going to talk about it any way, aren't snu I know,

when you cook with Louise you will probably speak about league of

their own. The highlight, working with Jamie Redknapp, is that right?

Without a doubt ah, part from this moment. Of course. Apart from that

echo joke, it will be in the next tour. That show is going so well.

It's been brilliant, a great experience. What's been good about

it, we've done stuff this year that you wouldn't get an opportunity to

do. What was the best bit of that? You've done so many... The diving.

The diving was good. Penalties? penalties was amazing. Missing the

penalty at Wembley in front of a stadium full of Man United and Man

City fans, that waents the best thing. I've got to be honest with

you. You should have made you do it again. That's what I thought. The

Wembley groundsman was such a miserable man he wouldn't let us

bounce the ball on the way to the thing in case you ruin it. That's

what they're all like. It's their job. The gaffer, I've been doing

filming at Old Trafford at Anfield and stuff and they won't let you

near the pitch. The gaffer has a go in anyone goes on the pitch. I can

see that, but yeah, they should have let me have another go. But

what they did, we've got a special coming up. It was a lovely moment,

it sort of wrapping up the series. The doc did it so -- they doctored

it so that the shot goes in. I thought can do you that with all my

life. John isn't just here to be funny and chat, he is here to cook.

That's the only reason I'm here. That's why he's here with Mr Rimmer.

Keep tweeting questions for him or Stephen Merchant.

Or viate website. While you do this, this is still what's to come on

today's show: There are technological leaps in Frontline

Medicine. Slightly squeaky sound. Simon is cooking Bombay potato and

spinach pie. It looks like reindeer in Frozen

Planet. First they round up their strongest animals with lasoos.

Ah, Louise and me can't decide who is doing this bit. Who do you want?

Have a guess. Who would you rather have a good looking lady or

somebody who supports a team you don't particularly like. Come on

Louise, you're doing this item. I said. Come on. I'm loving that. I

don't care if you cook. No, I don't want to do it.

So, Just tell your man that things haven't worked out. Am I really

doing this? What am I cooking. I was all prepared. Apple fudge cake.

We've got all spice, cinnamon, flour, eggs, baking powder, fudge,

little bit of milk. Then we've got little bit of milk. Then we've got

butter and sugar that we've creamed, apples and more apples. Sounds good.

Sounds good. When you have something like that fudge in front

of you, what stops you eating it all. Rehearsals. I'm full of fudge

now. I've had about four pounds. Have a piece. Can I, as well?

That's why I wanted to do this piece. First job, peel an am.

that's lovely. This is going to be a kind of upside down, are you all

right mate? No-one saw me. Do you think it's all right that we make

this up as we go along. different than a normal week. We

will cut those into rounds, John, so it's kind of cutting across like

that. What? Look at that. Throw that over your shoulder now. If it

lands in an initial, that's who you're going to marry. It's an L.

What are the chances of that Lou. Am I allowed another bit of this?

If you had a corer, you would core it so you had a whole in the middle.

You have everything else here. You're filming this in a shopping

centre, go and get one. There you go. A bit of that. There's Tesco's

across the road. I've got a quick tweet "What was your favourite

venue on your tour? I loved the echo areen where we filmed the DVD.

It's a great one. How many are there? 10,000. The Royal Albert

Hall was memorable just because of where Catholicclibgz. It was lovely

Then John, what we need to do. : We need to lay the rounds of apple.

We're not going to eat this one, so we can pretend. We've got one done.

You've ruined the magic of telly. Also, acting, are you just about to

play a part in something called the accused, which is completely

straight acting. Yeah straight acting. It's a series that Jimmy

McGovern did for the BBC last year. It's all based around someone, a

character, accused of a crime. I'm playing a part in that. You're

going to turn into a big film star, aren't snu Can you imagine, how

many film stars sound like this. Sean Connery gets away with. It

That's great. That's not comedy. straight acting. Something you

would like to do more of? I did the Ken Loach fm a year or two ago.

That was great. All of this is a bonus. Stand-up is where my heart

is. Anything else is a bonus. you feel you're playing a character,

though, do you feel you're being someone different or that you are

kind of, you slightly? That's an odd question, isn't it? It isn't

real. I am pretending. You know when you're acting, I'm not one of

those person who, I didn't walk around with a bald head with a week

to get into it. But there's that bit where you're trying to, I

suppose, I mean I can't talk about acting because I've never trained

for it. I don't know. I can't give you the poncy actor's thing about

getting into character. You just do it naturally. You've got to try and

portray what you're supposed to portray. When you were in the film

with Ray Winston were you conscious of being someone different? No, I

just thought about what I was meant to be. What were you meant to be?

Why are you laughing? That's lovely that. I love the idea of you being

linked up with somebody who's not, in his own right, a goddess, you

know what I mean? Look at Jamie, he's more of a woman than you R

pleased you said that. Now we have a cubed apple with cinnamon and

spices. Next job, John, is crack two eggs into there and then beat

it like crazy. This is the tester isn't it? The egg is always the one.

I bet you don't cook much at home, do you? What made you say that? You

know what, my youngest lad's getting into cooking. Give that a

good old beat. I'm going on a cooking course with him. I like the

idea of it, I like the idea of doing a lot of things. Cooking

course is a nice idea for Christmas for some people. Yeah. If in the a

DVD. A DVD is better! A funny better -- DVD is better. You can

get it on Amazon now while you're watching. Or maybe there's someone

around here who does cookery courses. I sent you a text saying,

if you're doing any cooking courses, let us know. He couldn't even get

me into his own restaurant. I knew you were going to bring this up.

and Melanie were going out. I said, "It's all right, I know the man."

Melanie's like, oh, yeah. Get ready, we'll have a table. It's the first

time ever, I couldn't get hum a table. You need a chef's table.

He's fallen out with me over it. Tip in the flour and baking powder.

We're making cake. I keep forgetting we're making cake.

have so far we've got fudge, apple and then we've got cubed apple with

spices in there. Nice action. Beautifully done. You're going to

get it all down yourself. John and I went to polo in the summer.

you tell John to hold it like this? Like a football. No, he's in

character. I just need that bald win on. Is this the way to hold it?

You can put it on the table, whatever works for you. I would get

you to hold it, but then that would look odd. I see, it just needs to...

There we go, now it's coming together. Now we're just cutting

into Stephen Merchant's cooking time. Jew just need a professional

to splash on the milk. Half of that into there. So we're building up

layers here. It smells like Christmas. Yeah, it's a real, all

of these things today are wintry. It smells lovely. What is making

the smell? Cinnamon and all spice. Old spice?

LAUGHTER I was going to say, I'm glad I

didn't get a seat. If that's what you're feeding at your place, old

spice. You only have that if you're sat on a bench. All of that goes in.

Then we cook this. What happens is the bottom becomes deliciously

fudgey and then when we turn it out, there we go, that's what we get.

All the fudge has melted. We have lovely slices of apple. Will you be

expected to make one of these when you get home. Absolutely, I'm

taking that home. Going the match. We're rushing back, we're both

going to Anfield this afternoon. Yeah. Big slab of apple cake.

won't be at Anfield going "Hey, does anyone want to try my cinnamon

was... Right. OK. Get some cream, everybody. Oh!

fudge gives it a little bit of sweetness, stickiness. Sometimes

you eat things, they make you happy. That makes me happy!

LAUGHTER I like that. What are we making

with Stephen? A Bombay potato and spinach pie. Right. It's time for a

second crack at guessing the year in today's Deja View. Have some

more of that. # When two tribes go to war

# Money is all that you can score # When two tribes go to war

# Money is all that you can score # The coal board have been granted

leave to bring an action for contempt against the Miners Union.

Although flying pickets have been withdrawn this morning the country

reckons only 22 of 175 pits are working. Cambridge set a unique

record in the boat race. They sank before it even began. They rammed a

barge, smashing their bow. The match was called off until tomorrow.

The Prince and Princess of ways took their new baby home this

afternoon, just 22 hours after he was born.

# When two tribes go to war # Two members of a local firm,

Coverdale, otherwise known as Fat Henry and Bernard Downs, otherwise

known as chlorofoam, occupy this flat, owned by one of the murder

victims. We have information they have a lot of counterfeit money.

Information suggests it could be several million pounds. OK. Prince

Harry is born, the Cambridge boat crash and The Gentle Touch, series

five, but what was the year? I went '88. Simon went '86. I don't know.

I'll go '84 then. '84? What did you go? '88. I'm clueless. I'll go '85.

OK. Now, if you're thinking that Wayne has changed here, you're

right. He's in Athens, so our Mixsterthetrixster from The

Whistling Shop -- Tristan Stephenson Probably one of the most

uncool drinks is eggnog, so I'm trying to make it a little bit

cooler. The ingredients are like you put in custard. Eggnog, it's

bizarre because you can get it everywhere, but I have never tasted

it. I haven't either. You're going to taste an interesting version of

it because it will be frozen. The ingredients of it are like ice

cream. It's frozen and doesn't taste quite as sweet. We're going

to flick this on. I have two egg yolks in there at the moment, pop

some sugar in there, 25 grams, then some double cream, a and 150 mil of

milk. OK. This is pretty impressive if you go to somebody's house and

they've done this for you, isn't it? You could do this at home with

an ice cream maker or the traditional way of keep on whisking

it in the freezer, but we have liquid nitrogen. We're literally

going to pour this in here. It will start to freeze the ice cream, then

thicken it up. No matter how many times I see it, it's bizarre how it

works. Hello. What's going on here? Louise, you're going to start

dancing! Get her a microphone - yes! Here we go. It's Top of the

Pops all over again. Where do you get that stuff from? There's

various providers who can provide you with this level of stuff. You

need the right equipment to store it though, because it's dangerous.

Really? Well, it's minus 166 Celsius. So I always liken it to

chip fat. That's 250 degrees Celsius. It's that level of danger

you need to be aware of. If we spilt that now... It would

evaporate quickly. So all it's doing is cooling it? No flavour, no

dilution. It literally just turns it into ice cream.

You can see. Right. OK. Looks like cream.

So we're just going to scoop some out on to a cone. We don't get

hundreds and thousands on this, do we? You're going to get a grating

of nutmeg on there because that's the traditional spice you would get

in eggnog. Interestingly, eggnog actually originates possibly from

another style of drink that's actually British that we associate

it as being quite American, but there is an old drink called a

posit that originated in East Anglia in the 19th century. It's

one of the oldest mixed drinks we can lay claim to as Brits. We can

do this at home, but we have to do the old-fashioned way of making ice

cream. Exactly, yeah. It will take a little bit longer. You can buy

makers that make ice cream. The problem you get is with the cognac,

it kind of lowers the freezing point significantly, so when you're

trying to freeze it down, you really need to use liquid nitrogen

that really chills it properly. you add that? I am going to pour a

little bit over the top at the end. Otherwise, it tastes really

alcoholic. Isn't that the idea? That's what she likes! Slightly

disappointing. I am going to put a cinnamon stick in there so it looks

like a flake. We're not going to eat that, though. You wouldn't want

to eat that. It's just the look. What you can do with the cognac is

to pour flaming cognac over, and it gives a really nice effect. I am

just going to pour a little splash over there, OK? Getting ready,

preparing myself. Nap kip - there you go. Enjoy. Oh, thank you! Shall

I be tasting? You start tasting? Yeah, you can taste the cognac.

It's definitely a different twist on ice cream. I love it. It's nice

to give something that looks quite summery. That's nice. I think I

would like the cognac in it. It's nice because it goes into the wafer.

You get that softness. Thanks, Tristan. If you want to impress

your friends and family with this, you can go to

www.bbc.co .uk/somethingfortheweekend. There

is also a simplified version if you don't have liquid nitrogen lying

around the house. OK. Last week they were in Afghanistan, but what

happens when the troops come back in June? Here we meet the inventor

of a new prosthetic limb in Frontline Medicine.

Hello. I have come to see your legs. Fantastic - hopefully me as well.

You as well, absolutely. Can I have a look? Sure.

This is world's first bionic lower limb. Hugh lost his legs in a

climbing accident, so he has a very personal interest in high-tech

prosthetics. Let me chat about how it's attached. When I press this

button, the leg comes off, so I can just pop it up, if you would like

to... Oh, that's heavy, isn't it? Can you talk me through it? There

is a motorised system in here that moves the ankle joint, and this is

just packed full of electricitys. There's various computers --

electronics. There's various processors inside. Hugh's system

mimics the actions of the muscles and tendons in a human leg. Can we

stroll around? Sure, if you give me my leg back. That is very neat!

you think you can keep up? Wow! You're going so fast! A slightly

squeaky sound. Yeah. Very screens tonight at 9.00pm on BBC

Two. Three weeks ago Nicky Dean was here with her ten Christmas

presents, suggestions for women. Now she's back. What are we looking

at today? I can hear the joy in your voice. You're giggling already.

We have boys' ideas now. We have football, football boots, we have

tickets to football matches. Great stuff for you. Thank you, Steven.

Power tools, chainsaw. Right. Shall we start with these? We have

personalised footwear. These are completely customisable. We have

had these made for you so you can wear these early in the week.

is tremendous. Something For the Weekend-branded trainers? Do they

come in a size 14? I am sure we can get those. How much are these?

Those particular ones are �50, but you can put whatever you like on

there. Can I put my own feet on there and give them to my friends

and family. Karl was on last week with his trousers - the pumps...

One of the worst inventions ever made. I quite like these. We have

the hoodie buddie as well, expertly modelled by Stephen. You like this

- grooving? IPod or other earphones are available. I am not making this

up. How cool is that? It's concealed in the jacket. The wires

go down here. Who wants that? looks super-cool. Maybe if you're

13, I can see this working. Ah! Sorry. I am listening to some hip

rap. Like it, new genre. How much are they? �39. Do you like that?

Yeah. You can see it already. You can't not like this. This is the

Lomography Sprocket Rocket camera. So going back to analogue now, very

retro. It's got a panoramic photographs - you're clicking away

- any 35 millimetre film it works with. We have moved from this to

digital, then... Back to film. you still get 35 millimetre?

can. Do you remember how exciting it was to take your film in? So we

have already got bored of digital photography? So last year. That's

�70. They're really cool. They have a bit of a cult following as well.

They're good. Do you like those? I love them. He's on side. Moving on,

we have the Conical Flask Oil and Vinegar Set - �20. They might be

good for the Simon Rimmers if your life, in the kitchen. You can put

other things in there presumably, chemicals... You can do, a little

bit of science. My meth lab going. How much are they? �20. Shall I

turn this on so you can hear it? It looks like a shower gel. It's

actually an MP3 player. There is no fluid in there? No. I'd hoped there

would be some gel in there, multipurpose. I don't take my

glasses into the shower, so I would be trying to squirt this for hours.

�29. It has batteries in there - obviously, totally waterproof,

being in the shower. Like that? Oh, you do surprise me, Tim. Moving

on, we have the vinyl coasters. These are �15. I could see younger

boys liking this. I could see that. I like Stephen. He likes everything.

No, I have been told to say that. Thank you! It makes a nice change.

And we've got the bowl as well, which is �20, made from recycled

vinyl. Oh, it's actually made from old vinyl. It is. Quite snazzy.

What's next? Moving on, we're moving into James Bond territory

now, we have the Swiss Army Knife, �283.50, so it's not cheap. Can I...

Have a look. It's got your scissors, your nail file, blade. It's also

got a 32-gig USB stick, which has encryption technology, which means

that if you plug it into your computer... Give me your iPod.

looks quite menacing, doesn't he? It only works using a certain

technology, so unless you chop your finger off from the person you have

stolen it from... Might use it in the shower. It's quite a good look.

You be taking this home with you? Definitely. That's for the James

Bond in your life, the man who has everything. There are cheaper

options available, but you don't get the fingerprint technology...

As opposed to the others - the man who has everything.

This is Mr Jones' Around the World Watch. This might be good for a

chap that likes travelling because it has eight different hands on

with different time zones. If you're jet lagged this might be a

little bit confusing, but obviously because we're in London, you would

tell the time by looking for Big Ben, �150. You can't keep the smile

off your face. Is that what you would like this year? I don't want

any of this stuff. Food - you do like a bit of food. I do. Reindeer

pate. I might as well. This is not for everybody. Shall I try some

reindeer pate? �15.99 this will cost, but if you're stuck for

something to buy and have a real foodie in the family that might be

quite nice to get for them. I have tried reindeer before. It's quite

nice, surprisingly so. All right? That's as much as we're going to

have a foodie, maybe granddad might like that. Then Fee Brothers

Cocktail Bitters, these are for the Wayne Collins in your life. �6-�10.

Finally, a secret one here. A very wise man, I think it might have

been you, once said that all any man needs tore Christmas is a

football. That's it. All decent football teams were out of stock.

So we've had to get a Chelsea one. That's a good present. Indeed.

if you don't like football, that is a great present. Or basketball or

anything. What's your favourite here? All of them. Finally man

wrap... See you later. This is quite jazzy. Thanks for those. If

you want details of those items, e- mail us via the website and we will

get back to you. After weeks of freezing wildlife,

David Attenborough has turned his focus to the humans who survive in

the Poles. This is Frozen Planet. What's this programme?

This is living at its most communal. Good relations with the in-laws are

essential. Reindeer are so valuable that the people only eat them if

they have no other choice. Their favourite food is raw fish, from

the frozen rivers. Every week or so, these families have to travel to

find new feeding grounds for their herds. First, they round up their

strongest animals with lasoos, a skill that their ancestors brought

with them, when they came north from central Asia. Then, literally,

just a few hours. Over the year, they travel hundreds of miles like

this, across the vast tund ra. -- Wednesday at 9pm on BBC within.

Stephen Merchant is here it cook. What did you cook last time? Some

kind of chocolate loaf. Was it the yule log. That wasn't the best

thing I've ever cooked. It was kind of pornographic if I remember.

you do much cooking? I like to cook. I just bought a vegetarian cook

book actually. I was in Dublin giging, I twont a great vegetarian

place -- I went to a great reg tairn -- vegetarian place.

veggie dish is a Bombay potato and spinach pie. We have chilli, garlic,

ginger, cumin seeds, coriander seeds, garam masala. We have honey,

tach yoz, potato, and I need cubes of potato, so that kind of size

really. However you feel you want to do it. I'm going to toast the

cumin and coriander seeds. You would do this cold pan, let it get

warm, oilles out, but we're going to do it more quickly than that.

This comes from Callum, it's a tweet, "In Life's Too Short, did

Johnny dep have any input in the script?" There were a lot of

improve -- improv. You never know what to expect with the big stars.

You don't know whether they're going to be moody or embarrassed or

ashamed or whatever, often ashamed - but he was great. He came in all

guns blazing. He did great. He did some things that were so crazy, we

could never put it in the show. It was off the scale. He's really

funny. That's one of the great things about those things, because

I like, I was always a fan of movies. I like seeing these movie

stars work. I like seeing the decisions they make. That's part of

the fun for me. You don't have to mention anyone... I'm doing a

terrible job. Do some of the people you ask to do it, do they just say

absolutely not? I think, I seem to remember Keith Harris and Orville

didn't want to be part of it. Orville was up for it. They do have

disputes those two. It's amazing who you get in these things, isn't

it? Someone like Johnny Depp. have this idea and Ricky smau gets

hold of their e-mail address. He's lick a mob boss. -- He's like a mob

boss. Check them into the hot oil. This will turn into the Bombay

potato. I have toasted the coriander and cumin seeds. These

will crisp up and then we we add our spices. Cook those for a couple

of minutes to get a bit of colour on them. Then we chuck in our cumin

and coriander. We chuck in the chilli and the garlic. We have a

nice bit of salt and pepper goes into there as well, particularly

salt. Then, once they've crisped up a little bit, we add the garam

masala and ginger. Stir that around and plenty of oil. Cook those for

round about 20 minutes or so. That makes our basic Bombay potato.

We've rattled through that, it's a slower process. But we end up with

that. That's what we get. So, the Bombay potatoes pistachios, now put

those in there and give them a quick mix around. Then we will

layer it up with Filo pastry. of e-mails saying, "Is there

definitely never going to be an Office special again?" I don't want

to say definitely. If I lose all my money to several ex-wives and Ricky

becomes a drug addict and alcoholic, I'm sure we will, to raise much

needed cash. Due say spinach as well? No. With his hands? What

feels most natural for you. Basically, we're going to layer up

the Filo pastry. One layer, butter, another layer, butter. I have three

layers. We slp a load of butter on. Then about half of that mix onto

the top of our Filo pastry. We have our base layer, Filo, which will be

crispy, then our potatoes, then we'll just do the same again with

spinach as well. You don't need to cook the spinach as well. It will

just wilt down. It's great for the ladies when that moment happens,

Stephen. Another layer of Filo on there. A load more butter on there

and slap the rest of that mix on there. Go Tim, all yours if you

want it. Nice flavour in there. All the spices from the potatoes,

spinach and then we finish the final layer again is Filo pastry.

Then a massive load of butter on the top. Then what you do to make

it look pretty is a bit of action with the knife. We're trying to

just line as cross, like that. It mean that's when it cooks...

cutting through? No you're scoring it really. For some delicious

flavour we pour over honey. That stickiness will go into our lovely

Indian spices in there. We bake that for about 45mib its -- minutes.

We end up with this fella here. You get all the gloss from the honey

and from the butter. To serve, a nice big slab. Whilst you're doing

that, back over to Louise and John, who's got the reveal of the date.

Thanks Tim. The year when Harry was born, Arthur went on strike and

Frankie said "war" was? Have we got the date? 1984. What did I say? I

said that first. I got that bang on. I was 26. Have you got a tweet for

John? Have I? Do you know what, I don't know. I will do this one.

I have. After you. Go on. This is from Tony, how much do you credit

Live at the Apollo with your rise to fame? Well it was a combination

of things. It was Michael Macintire's show, live at the

Apollo and the Jonathan Ross interview, I noticed things had

changed. And obviously Something for the Weekend last year.

massive part. Ashley says, what vice would you give to young

writers wanting to get started and writers wanting to get started and

make a career out of it? Do you have to go to stand-up first?

think it helps you hone. It's about writing and rewriting and if you

can collaborate, that makes it easy. Getting people to read it outloud

in front of a small audience makes a big difference. Can you think

you're hilarious, as John knows, until you get in front of an

audience, you don't know. What advice would you give to people?

Just do it. It's one of those things, comedy, if you want to be a

stand-up, there's opportunities. You can rock up at a lot of these

open mic nights and you'll get a go. There's no excuse for not doing it.

How long did it take you before you were funny? I'm not sure I've got

there yet. The first time you turn up, you didn't hit it immediately,

did you? I never turned up intending to do it. I turned up

because I was a bit depressed, drunk, halfway through a divorce

and sad. I ended up on the stage telling people about. It I'm in the

a good case to think of really. What happen sz you just find, it

sounds noncy, but you find your voice. You know, I am funny, laugh

at me, it's confidence. It's true, stand up is very much, it's like

being a stripper, you can't pretend you're not trying to do what you're

doing. You can't say something thaw think is funny and then just say oh,

I was only joking. You can't take your clothes off and go oh, they

fell off. You are totally exposed. Everyone think that's dying is

terrible, but it's not. It's fine. These two have DVDs out at