27/11/2011 Something for the Weekend


27/11/2011

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Good morning. Welcome to Sunday. We're live with you until 11.30.

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Joining us in the studio is writer, director and standup comic Stephen

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Merchant. And making a mad dash from the

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airport is Liverpool legend John Bishop. Where is he? He's on his

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way, rushing. Has he landed? I hope he has because otherwise, it's not

:00:36.:00:41.

going to be a very interesting intervau. He has a whole entourage

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with him - he's just any, normal bloke. I have heard that for years.

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We have cocktails, and of course, comedy, and we'll, as ever, be

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looking forward to the best of next week's telly. Yes, this is

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Good morning, and welcome to Something For the Weekend. John

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Bishop has landed apparently, private jet. Where do private jets

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go into? I think it's just downstairs. I wonder where he goes

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- it's just... He's such a nice bloke. I have known John for 20

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years. You're saying now he's horrible? Is that what you're

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saying? Now it's straight through to his PA now. He's changed.

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Really? Prawn cocktails at the march. His people call your people?

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Yeah. I am glad he's not here. We're not going to discuss

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Liverpool today because since the Something For the Weekend diary,

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there has been two huge matches, so we can't talk about it, and

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Chelsea... I must admit, when I was watching the game... You were

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watching the game? It was on, and I felt kind of weird because the

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first thing I thought was about you guys, and I thought, you're going

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to be gutted, and you're going to be so happy. As ever, Tim's phone

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after they were beaten with Johnson scoring in the last minute, Tim's

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phone didn't work. I got enough texts off him, I'll tell you. But

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then we went on to mid-week, we didn't do too well in the

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Champions' League either. How did you get on in the Champions' League

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football either? We're not in it this year, Tim. No, you're not.

:02:26.:02:30.

Have you ever won that? When was the last time you won the League?

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There is a lot of 20 smf something- year-old kids out there, Liverpool

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fans, never seen you win the League. I am glad we got that out of the

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way. Let's talk about dancing instead. It was Strictly last night.

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I am going Team Savage. I want him to win now because he's a

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footballer. We have some footage. Brendan. This is the third time he

:02:56.:03:00.

stepped in this series. Why? Because there's injuries? They're

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hurting themselves. They're obviously really going for it.

:03:03.:03:09.

Jason Donovan there. He's doing the Charleston. There he is - go on,

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Savage! Yes! Look at that. Ha, ha, ha! I don't know what to think.

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What? He's a funny player, a nice bloke. I admire him because to come

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out of sport and to go into something like that and really go

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into it... Is it harder for the football players than the rugby

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players and the cricket players? don't know. I would say footballers

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because I know how footballers are. I think it takes guts to get up and

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do that. Do you think Jamie would do that? I think he'd prefer to eat

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his arm. Does he dance? No. Does he ever take you on to the dancefloor

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and spin some shapes? After maybe 20 alcoholic benchs. I would think

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Jamie is a dancer. Move on. He's got rhythm. He plays football.

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got a little groove - no, no. right. As well as... He'll be

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mortified. Let's talk about our guest today. As well as doing

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stand-up and dancing like John Travolta in front of 400,000 people

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across the UK, John Bishop has just created and starred on a drama

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based on his youth in Liverpool. There he is with a bald head. He'll

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be telling us all about his busy projects and show when he arrives

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off his jet with his entourage. We're joined by Stephen Merchant,

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who following success with Life's Too Short and An Idiot Abroad is

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touring with his Hello Ladies show in an attempt to find a wife.

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was playing Wolverhampton last night. Did he find a Hello Ladies?

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I didn't ask him. But he says he's tired. If you have a question for

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:05:06.:05:12.

either John or Steve, e-mail it via What have we got going on with food,

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Simon? It's winter, so it's a nice wintry dish. We're going to smoke

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some fish - smoked grey mullet - look at that we're just going to

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smoke it in a wok. Looks like pastry. Is that on coleslaw? Yeah,

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fennel and ram laud coleslaw and Blazing Bailey, we have never done

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this on the show before. That on is a gentleman's relish. Anchovy

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flavour with beet is delicious even though it sounds weird. Gentleman's

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relish? Yeah. Desert is an apple fudge cake. This is as tasty as

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Glen Johnson's left foot last week in the penalty area for Stamford

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Bridge - fudge, apples, cake, delicious. Finally, another winner,

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Bombay potato and spinach pie - layers of feta - feta? Filo

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pastry... Is it because you're reliving the moment of the score?

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That moment, that cross-field pass from Charlie - had it coming, then

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Glen just coming through and popping it up. It was a great

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moment. Yadda, yadda, yadda. It's going to be a great morning.

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can look up all of his recipes on the website, and hopefully try them

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yourself. But here is what else is happening on the show today.

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Warwick goes flat hunting in Life's Too Short. As far as the estate

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agent is concerned, I am just some cool dude with short arms and deep

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pockets. You can meet the American Nomads.

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didn't enjoy it very much. I could do it, but I wouldn't like it.

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There are robotic lution Frontline Medicine. This is the world's first

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bionic lower limb. OK. Wayne has abandoned us again to

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go and help with the Greek debt crisis, so we welcome back the King

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of science cocktails, Tristan Stephenson. What have you got for

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us? We're going to be doing a twist on a classic eggnog, but it's going

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to be served had one of these, an ice cream cone. Is it going to be

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ice cream? We'll be making alcoholic eggnog ice cream, yes.

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Look forward to that. What are you making us? We're going to smoke

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some beautiful gremallat. We have naip maple, but it could be oak,

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ash, sawdust, whatever flavour you want, really. We have some carrot,

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fennel, onion... Isn't this the all-important bit though? You go to

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places, and they say this is our all-important smoking technique?

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Yes. It is on all levels, but at the end of the day we're going to

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smoke this quite quickly. What are we smoking it with? This is maple,

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but you can use oak, whatever chippings you can get. Oak is

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probably the most popular one to do, but again, this is a very fast

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smoke. If you ever you thought to yourself, I could actually smoke

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something, this is how simple it is. I saw all about smoking at a museum.

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Are you joking? Disney is nothing when you can go to a sardine museum.

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You have not stopped talking about it since. "Ooh, dad, can we please

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go to the sardine museum?" Did you not hear about it? You might not

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have been on the show. You get a little plastic fish. You sit there

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with tins, and they get little plastic fish and they line them up

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in the tins. It's interactive. not even commenting on your day out.

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Take the kids down there. Take Jamie. He'll love it.

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LAUGHTER Great. Rock 'n' roll. We're doing

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gremallat. But you can do it with a piece of salmon or sea bass. It's

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delicious to smoke that. This is up to room temperature, then salt it.

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Get plenty of sea salt on there. Then sit it for ten minutes to draw

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a little bit of moisture out. home, it's going to make the house

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stink. Do it in the garden. We're all going to be going for three

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days after... Do it in the garden. That's why I often make Jamie do

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the fish or meat in the garden on the barbecue. He's out there with

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an umbrella cooking his salmon! yes, you could do this outside but

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you know what? Open the windows. Vent it well. It's smoked to

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preserve it? Yes. That's the traditional way of doing it. You're

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drying it out so it lasts a long time. Salt it. Leave it for five

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minutes or so, rinse it off, pat it dry. Then all you need, wok,

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chippings, into there. Put that on the stove top, let it get really

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hot, light it so it flames. This is a special smoking top so we've got

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vents in here, OK? What's going on underneath? No, because I don't

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want to reveal the beautiful finish. I'm going to slide it on. This has

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Ahh! It's a bit of a Pandora's box moment. So we slide that in there.

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Amazing! Wow. That will be about 12 minutes or so. What we're looking

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for now is a delicious flavour that'll come from it. The smell in

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here is amazing. So work for you, children - Lou, if you would add

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lemon juice, parsley and mayo in. Tim, shave off the carrots and the

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same with the fennel, and I'll chock a little bit of red onion.

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I went to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant the other night, and I

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had duck, and as part of the male, they had duck hearts. I was eating

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duck hearts. What was it like? tasted delicious, but they looked

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awful! They looked "offal"! It's a joke, Louise. Tim! It's a joke.

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They looked awful. They lookedny, actually. What was the best thing

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you it a? I quite liked that. It was interesting to eat duck's heart.

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If you're eating duck, I know whatever part of it you're eating -

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but do you not kind of think, this is the heart? I never mind that.

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don't mind. It's expensive, but my friend picked up "the bill" it's a

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joke, you see, because ducks have bills. Oh, no. I think I preferred

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the sardine museum! It was interesting. They're about the size

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of a mushroom stroke walnut. Have you had them, a duck's heart?

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Never. It's weird because it's slightly more chewy in texture than

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normal meat. I remember having hearts as a kid and really

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disliking them. It's that old-style food, isn't it? Offal, we used to

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use every bit of the meat. How about doing this with the fennel

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like this? Quite nice. It's a nice little implement. Everyone keeps

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asking me where I got it. I don't know. I have looked for one. I

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can't find it anywhere. Is that actually yours? No, it's the

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Something For the Weekend family, so we have had it a long time. It's

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a bit of a family air loom -- heirloom now. Would you like me to

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put this in now? It's interesting to eat. We have objection cheek

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later. I have never had that. exactly what it says - you think of

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the size of the cow's head - it's a great piece of meat. Would the

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reason for doing that is it is a tastier piece of meat? It is tasty,

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but it's about the cooking process, about cooking it really slowly, so

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what you have to do is break down the tissues of the meat, so it's

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really slow cooked. It turns out from being an FBI rouse piece of

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meat to something that falls apart. That's fine. Lou, chuck all of that

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into there and give it a good mix around. So what we've got is an

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intense smoky flavour of the fish and the acidity. We have that

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lovely combination. This is how our mullet starts - it's gorgeous. If

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you have never had mullet, if you like the flavour of sea bass, then

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there is a similarity in that flavour. Now, here is our beautiful

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moment... Ahh! Look - how gorgeous is that? So we go from the fish

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looking like that to looking like that, and the smell is...

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sawdust is different, though, right? We have bigger ones in here.

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A few chips in there, but you can do it with sawdust or chipping -

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it's easier if you do it on an open top like that. The sawdust will

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light more quickly. You have to work harder with the chippings, so

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it's chips of maple, sawdust. Sawdust? Yeah. That's all because

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we're just basically kind of smoking with - you can use tea as

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well. A really simple thing to do - you can do tea, sugar and a little

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bit of rice is a good smoking base as well. So a little bit of our

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lovely acidity there, and then we simply lift out this glorious...

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I'm quite excited about eating this. It does look amazing, like pastry.

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Yeah. The thing about it is, we've done this in realtime - or rather

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in a short space of time - 12 minutes to do that piece of fish,

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and you always imagine the smoking process - it takes hours and hours.

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Delicious, smoky. I have to say, as someone that was quite concerned

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for the smoke, it wasn't that smoky. No. Was it? In a short amount of

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time, you get that nice smoky flavour without it being hugely

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overpowering. You can do it with any piece of fish or meat. What are

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we doing for the main course? Braised ox cheeks with gentleman's

:16:19.:16:29.
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all of today's recipes. I will ask you about that in a minute. Warwick

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Davis has decided to buy a new flat and clearly a strategy is needed to

:16:35.:16:43.

ensure success. This is Life's Too This is how we'll play it, you're

:16:43.:16:47.

my right-hand woman and you ask all the questions. It will seem like

:16:47.:16:52.

I'm too important even to talk. No- one knows what I'm thinking. As far

:16:52.:16:55.

as the estate agent is concerned, I'm just some cool dude with short

:16:55.:17:05.
:17:05.:17:27.

Lovely, isn't it? Yeah. No. No? But it's him you have to please.

:17:27.:17:31.

What do you think? No-one knows what he's thinking. He doesn't even

:17:31.:17:37.

know what he's thinking. I know. knows. You need to find ou. Don't

:17:37.:17:42.

charge him too much because he has small little arms so he can't reach

:17:42.:17:49.

his pockets. That's not what I said. I have short arms and deep pockets.

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You can cringe with Warwick in Life's Too Short on Thursday at

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9.30pm on BBC Two. Our first guest cameos in Life's

:17:58.:18:04.

Too Short and also in an An Idiot Abroad. He has a string of writing

:18:04.:18:07.

credits including The Office and he's pretty good at stand up.

:18:07.:18:12.

am I doing stand-up comedy? First reason I'm doing stand-up is that

:18:12.:18:18.

any money I make, I don't have to share with you know who. Yeah.

:18:18.:18:22.

They're serving nachos in the cinema now. Where is it going to

:18:22.:18:29.

stop. Pock corn, nachos, a couple of Granny smiths, walnuts and rice

:18:29.:18:35.

Chris piz. It's mental. 21 years old frgs do you know when

:18:35.:18:42.

they were born? 1990. Who was born in 1990? I have tinned food older

:18:42.:18:50.

than that. She made her a way across through the crowd, "Excuse

:18:50.:18:56.

me are you going to be here for a while. "I I said "Yes, I am." She

:18:56.:19:02.

said, "Great because my friends and I have arranged to meet back at you.

:19:02.:19:06.

"Welcome back to something for the weekend, Stephen Merchant. Thank

:19:06.:19:10.

you for having me back. Touring last night, Wolverhampton. How did

:19:10.:19:16.

it go? It was all right, OK, you know, it's just very tiring. I was

:19:16.:19:19.

talking to John Bishop about it. The gig is fine. That's fun. You're

:19:19.:19:22.

up there for an hour or whatever. It's the travel and the hotels. I

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thought it would be a lot more rock-and-roll. I thought there

:19:26.:19:32.

would be a lot more gentleman cuesies and beautiful, beautiful --

:19:32.:19:36.

jacuzzis and beautiful women. you putting it out there that you

:19:36.:19:42.

want that after your show? No, the show, the original concept was that

:19:42.:19:46.

I was going to talk about my search for a wife, which has not gone well

:19:46.:19:50.

over the years. Then I started getting quite creepy letters from

:19:50.:19:53.

women. I don't know how they got my address. I'm sure they're lovely,

:19:53.:19:59.

they would include photographs and what I can only describe as love

:19:59.:20:05.

CVs. Which had "I was in a relationship between '92 and 93 and

:20:05.:20:10.

now I live with 17 cats." It's not really a search for a wife it's

:20:10.:20:13.

more a discussion on why I've failed to find a wife. Not tempted

:20:13.:20:18.

by any of them? No, no, I'm going on dates with all of them. Carley

:20:18.:20:22.

says "I was at your Bradford gig the other night when a man in the

:20:22.:20:27.

audience offered you a woman." Is that the weirdest thing that's

:20:27.:20:31.

happened on tour, are you getting offered women? No a man stood up

:20:31.:20:35.

and seemed to offer me a lady. I couldn't ses stab lish who he was.

:20:35.:20:40.

I couldn't tell if he was a relative of hers, or just next to

:20:40.:20:44.

her in the theatre. It's that lovely Yorkshire manner, you know.

:20:44.:20:50.

We have women for you, enjoy. she says, go on, do my word for me.

:20:50.:20:54.

Just shout out in a room of a thousand people. You've gone back

:20:54.:20:57.

to stand up. You started by doing stand up, which some people aren't

:20:57.:21:02.

aware of. Have you changed your style since then? I had to. My

:21:02.:21:05.

original act was a bit more post- modern. Because known knew who I

:21:05.:21:09.

was back then. I was probably braver in a way. I started trying

:21:09.:21:13.

to do that act when I came back to it and it didn't make sense to them.

:21:13.:21:17.

I had to start from the ground floor really and work my way back

:21:17.:21:21.

to it. It's a bit like probably boxing or something, you have to be

:21:21.:21:25.

match fit. You have to get back in the ring and take the punches. I

:21:25.:21:29.

have been dabbling in small clubs around London for a couple of years,

:21:29.:21:33.

slowly building up to this moment. You'll never do it again? No, this

:21:33.:21:37.

is the debut tour and the farewell tour all in one. Unless there's a

:21:37.:21:43.

lot more jacuzzis. Do you enjoy, obviously you're well known for

:21:43.:21:46.

your writing and the programmes you've done, do you prefer the

:21:46.:21:51.

writing, is that where you feel most comfortable? There are

:21:51.:21:56.

different pleasures with all of it. The stand up, it's easy to get cos

:21:56.:22:02.

eted in the TV writing world. With stand up, you're there, it's raw.

:22:02.:22:06.

You're on the stage. It reminds you what makes people laugh. It helps

:22:06.:22:11.

with the writing. It feeds back into it. Remind us how you got to

:22:11.:22:15.

write with Ricky. I sent in a CV to this radio station that I found out

:22:15.:22:19.

was starting up. I'm pretty certain mine was the top one on the pile

:22:19.:22:23.

and they thought, this guy would be fine. He invited me up. He said to

:22:23.:22:28.

me, "Do you promise to do all the work, so I can swan around?" I was

:22:28.:22:32.

kind of young. That's what happened. He was my boss for a little while.

:22:32.:22:37.

I quickly realised he was going to get us both fired. I jumped ship

:22:37.:22:42.

and joined the BBC. A year later he got fired. You've been so

:22:42.:22:46.

instrumental in each other's success. That's true. There's a

:22:46.:22:51.

danger of romanticising it. I'm sure if I met anyone else, we would

:22:51.:22:55.

have had similar success. Scott in Devon says, because you write a lot

:22:55.:22:58.

with Ricky, there's a rumour there's a new show called Derek

:22:58.:23:02.

coming out and Sean Connery is starring in it. I've no idea about

:23:02.:23:08.

that. Based in an old people's home. That might be a project that

:23:08.:23:12.

Ricky's working on. I have no dealing was that or Sean Connery.

:23:12.:23:18.

Much as I'd love to work with Sean. Is the writing 50/50? We sit in a

:23:18.:23:23.

room and we just brain storm and throw ideas around. People tend to

:23:23.:23:28.

think it's more glamorous than Catholicclibgz. Last winter we were

:23:28.:23:31.

writing Life's Too Short. The heating broke, we were huddled

:23:32.:23:35.

round in our coats. It was like something from Dickens. It's lots

:23:35.:23:38.

of hard work, talking, bashing your head against a wall. You're going

:23:39.:23:42.

to the States, how does your stand- up go down over. There I never know

:23:42.:23:45.

if the Americans get our sense of humour or they don't. I've never

:23:46.:23:49.

done it over there before. I'm anxious about tkha for exactly that

:23:49.:23:53.

reason. I don't think the sense of humour is radically different.

:23:53.:23:57.

There's a lot of references. I'm amazed how they don't understand

:23:57.:24:02.

what I'm saying. I don't think I have a terribly broad West Country

:24:02.:24:07.

accent. It annoys me. I want to go, I'm speaking English. This is

:24:07.:24:11.

English. I'm from England. They get the programmes. The Office is big.

:24:11.:24:16.

They get the sense of humour that you carry in your stand up. I think

:24:16.:24:21.

it's the internet. I think the trade across the Atlantic of humour

:24:21.:24:25.

much easier than it used to be. Years ago you had to wait for the

:24:25.:24:32.

TV, now you watch stuff on u tube. Ricky has agreed to do the Golden

:24:32.:24:37.

Globes in American which has been a controversial thing. Sorry about

:24:37.:24:41.

that. Do you write that with him? contributed some jokes or worked

:24:41.:24:45.

with him on some jokes last time. I'd like to continue working in

:24:45.:24:50.

America, so I keep my head low. People ask me in that country, "I

:24:50.:24:55.

have no idea." Nothing to do with it. Karl Pilkington was on last

:24:55.:24:59.

week. I asked him to give a question for you. This is it: Now

:24:59.:25:04.

he's taken a third of my earnings off me, can we now draw a line

:25:04.:25:07.

under the 50p incident? Is this something we can discuss on the

:25:08.:25:12.

show? We were in a coffee shop, I gave him a fiver to go up to buy

:25:12.:25:20.

coughies. He came back right it was �4.50. There was 50p change. He

:25:20.:25:23.

kept it. It was something with the fact he helped me with free beer.

:25:23.:25:28.

He took it as some kind of payment. My argument is this, the 50p, it's

:25:28.:25:32.

my decision to give it to him or not. You don't just keep someone's

:25:32.:25:41.

change. I'm with you. It's my call, isn't it? Why does he think it's

:25:41.:25:45.

his? His argument is, it's only 50p, Steve, plus I helped you out with

:25:45.:25:49.

the free beer. Which is a completely separate incident and

:25:49.:25:53.

not involved with that at all. On the tour a number of people have

:25:53.:25:58.

come up to the stage door and given me 50p to hand to him to draw a

:25:58.:26:02.

line under it. Next time see him I will give him the damn 50p. I'm on

:26:02.:26:06.

your side as well. I wonder if anyone out there thinks that Carl

:26:06.:26:10.

is in the right. You can't take someone's money, agreed. It's like

:26:10.:26:14.

not getting your change back. It's not right. It was only 50p, oh,

:26:14.:26:21.

well. Where does it stop? Stephen is sticking with us to do some

:26:21.:26:28.

cooking. Keep the e-mails coming in. You can also tweet.

:26:28.:26:33.

I hope you have a good brain for nostalgia, because we need to know

:26:33.:26:43.
:26:43.:26:54.

the year in today's Deja View. The coal board have been granted

:26:54.:26:58.

leave to bring an action for contempt against the miners union.

:26:58.:27:01.

Though flying pickets have been withdrawn this morning, the coal

:27:01.:27:06.

board reckons only 22 of the country's 175 pits are work.

:27:06.:27:10.

Cambridge set a unique record in the 130th university boat race.

:27:10.:27:14.

They sank before it began. They rammed a barge, smashing their bow

:27:14.:27:18.

and the race was called off until tomorrow. The Prince and Princess

:27:18.:27:21.

of Wales took their new baby son home this afternoon, just 22 hours

:27:21.:27:26.

after he was born and his name has been announced. They're Henry,

:27:26.:27:36.
:27:36.:27:39.

You want me to turn them up? Turn up a few, preferrably with a print,

:27:39.:27:43.

something to give us a lead. Not for the Treasury, for me. Tie it up

:27:43.:27:48.

by lunch time, I'll buy you a drink. Jew pushing the boat out? Why not.

:27:48.:27:56.

-- Are you pushing the boat out? I got it right last week. I'm not

:27:56.:28:00.

going to do it this week. Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Liverpool's

:28:00.:28:09.

finest. A Liverpool band? They are. '88. I'm going '86. Some time

:28:09.:28:15.

around then. Mid to late 80s. Without football references we

:28:15.:28:20.

haven't got a clue. Struggling. now let's look at what you've

:28:20.:28:27.

cooked this week. This is Martin from Hayes in Middlesex, he made

:28:27.:28:31.

the sticky toffee chocolate puddings. That's a nice picture. He

:28:31.:28:39.

also wants to sell similaron, kolon the pool after last week's win

:28:39.:28:46.

against Chelsea. The sentiments of the gentleman may not be my

:28:46.:28:51.

sentiments. This is Emily and baby Fearne, which is fine. Do you know

:28:51.:28:59.

what Emily's husband's name is? what? Liam Gallagher. "the" Liam

:28:59.:29:05.

Gallagher? That remains to be seen. Where is she from? It doesn't say.

:29:05.:29:12.

Secret location. OK. Finally Alexander who is 24 and Max, 17

:29:12.:29:19.

from burli, and they're going to tuck into the milk poached pork

:29:19.:29:26.

shold -- shoulder. Everyone says it looked odd but tasted great. Nice.

:29:26.:29:31.

If you are going to cook anything we do on the show, do send the

:29:31.:29:41.
:29:41.:29:50.

So exo cheeks - this is an exciting one. I am excited. Flour, red wine,

:29:50.:29:56.

stock. Are they expensive? I assume they're an expensive cut of meat?

:29:56.:30:00.

They should be a cheap cut of meat, but I think as they become more

:30:00.:30:03.

popular, then the price goes up, but yes, theoretically, they are.

:30:04.:30:09.

Seems to be a lot of chefs cooking them now. We're all using things

:30:09.:30:13.

like cheeks and skirt and shin - those slow-cooked - it all makes

:30:13.:30:18.

for beautiful food. In wintertime, we want nice, hearty dishes. Again,

:30:18.:30:23.

it's a commitment. Who can commit for cooking it for that length of

:30:23.:30:28.

time - how long do we cook it for? Two-and-a-half two three hours.

:30:28.:30:32.

It's a commitment. It's absolutely worth it. You can put it on at the

:30:32.:30:39.

start of Football Live in the morning... 90 minutes. Two hours.

:30:39.:30:45.

Your celebratory match, post-match. Then you're done. If you wait it

:30:45.:30:52.

like that it's easy. Then we're making gentleman's relish which is

:30:52.:30:57.

an anchovy-based buttery concoction. Is that what it is? I Googled it

:30:57.:31:06.

last night. Nice spread on toast. Anchovy paste. Indeed. We have

:31:06.:31:10.

Worcestershire sauce, nutmeg, cayenne, butter, lemon. I have

:31:10.:31:15.

never heard of it before. Have you not? No. It's a great thing.

:31:15.:31:21.

are you going to stick that on that? Beef and anchovy works well.

:31:21.:31:25.

Surf and turf. Always a good thing, Tim. Except these things probably

:31:25.:31:31.

don't swim in the sea. They do. They are small silvery fish. In

:31:31.:31:37.

southern Spain, it's one of their big industries... How do they catch

:31:37.:31:42.

those? Huge nets. So cheeks - chop those cheeks. Look at that it's

:31:42.:31:47.

lovely. It's quite fibrous. We want to break all of this down so there

:31:47.:31:52.

is lots of moisture and slow cooking, so cut that into six

:31:52.:31:56.

pieces, that into four. Why would it taste any different than any

:31:56.:32:00.

other part of the... It's not about taste. It's about texture. Cut that

:32:00.:32:07.

down the middle. What you want is big chunks, Tim. It's tough. That's

:32:07.:32:13.

exactly the thing. It's a tough muscle. Store that in your mind how

:32:13.:32:18.

tough it is, then when we come to eat the finished dish, then you can

:32:18.:32:22.

be excited at how deliciously tender... I bet this was really

:32:22.:32:28.

cheap at one stage. Like pork belly - you couldn't give that away even

:32:28.:32:32.

ten years ago. Now it's become popular, then supply and demand

:32:32.:32:35.

means that pork belly is now an expensive cut of meat. We're going

:32:35.:32:41.

to season up a little bit of flour. My grandparents used to eat lots of

:32:41.:32:46.

offal, sheep's heart and... When you were a kid - did you ever eat

:32:46.:32:50.

heart? No, I used to eat liver a lot. My parents used to give me

:32:50.:32:55.

that - liver and bacon a lot. that for my tea last night. It was

:32:55.:33:00.

delicious. Did you? Yeah. See, this is quite hard work, isn't it?

:33:00.:33:04.

You're having to commit to chopping, which you like, good butchery - all

:33:04.:33:09.

into the flour, toss it in the flour. This is going to give us a

:33:09.:33:19.

base for our sauce. You can see how you're ever thinking of buying

:33:19.:33:22.

braising steak and you think, I am just going to fry this, and you

:33:22.:33:26.

know how horribly tough it is - what we have to do now is break

:33:26.:33:31.

down the fibre of this meat, so we put a bit of flour on this, shake

:33:31.:33:37.

off the excess into a nice hot pan, then we go into a normal casserole.

:33:37.:33:42.

While I put this in, with the veg roughly chop the celery, the

:33:42.:33:47.

carrots and leeks. That's going to give us a base for our sauce. We

:33:47.:33:51.

want a bit of colour on it. You don't want to cook this out for too,

:33:51.:33:56.

too long. We're looking to seal it, get some flour in there. This, as I

:33:56.:34:01.

say, will be the base of our sauce. As this cooks away, give it a quick

:34:01.:34:07.

shuffle around, you get some nice colour on that. It is good to do

:34:07.:34:13.

exciting things, isn't it - I mean, new? Yeah. When I said I tried

:34:13.:34:18.

duck's heart, it's nice to try something different. If you can't

:34:18.:34:26.

get ahold of ox cheeks, with something like braced steak, any of

:34:26.:34:31.

the cheap cuts of meat, like shoulder or there is a lot of

:34:31.:34:37.

venison around at the moment - it's sinewy and slow, slow cooked. We

:34:37.:34:40.

have colour on there. Seal it for longer than I have done. Chuck all

:34:40.:34:45.

of that veg into here. Again, a little touch more oil in this. We

:34:45.:34:49.

have our carrots, celery and our leeks - a base for our sauce. Give

:34:49.:34:53.

this a little bit of a zir like that cook those out for a couple of

:34:53.:35:02.

minutes, a pinch of salt and pepper. Was they haveened, a -- they have

:35:02.:35:10.

softened, a few minutes ago, put a glug of wine in there. Give that a

:35:10.:35:14.

quick stir around. Smells good. Lovely. Start to reduce the wine a

:35:14.:35:19.

little bit, then we add a big load of strong beef stock - goes into

:35:19.:35:22.

there. That goes in, bring that up to the boil, then we pop the meat

:35:22.:35:29.

back in, drop it down to a simmer, pop a lid on it, then cook it out

:35:29.:35:35.

for at least two-and-a-half hours, a really long, slow cook. You can

:35:35.:35:40.

put it in the oven if you want or the hob, whichever way you want to

:35:40.:35:46.

do it. If you want to do this while watching football, put it in the

:35:46.:35:50.

oven. You don't have to worry about it bubbling dry. For the

:35:50.:35:54.

gentleman's relish, we need all the butter into there together with

:35:54.:35:58.

everything - we'll have the lemon juice. Just chop those anchovies in

:35:58.:36:04.

half. I am amazed you have never had this. I always think it's a

:36:04.:36:09.

Christmasy thing. If ever you get food hampers at Christmas, you

:36:09.:36:14.

often get it in there. It's the big week for me this week. Six months I

:36:14.:36:18.

have been trying to learn how to play tennis. I have been learning

:36:18.:36:22.

because we're trying to encourage people to play tennis. Have you

:36:22.:36:27.

ever played? I haven't played since I was 18. I love it. This week I am

:36:27.:36:33.

playing at the Royal Albert hall. I am partnering - is that right?

:36:33.:36:42.

going to go straight in with the anchovies. Who are you partnering?

:36:42.:36:49.

Lorraine Kelly. Lorraine is Scottish, so is Andy Murray, so I

:36:49.:36:53.

am hoping I have the advantage. Have you met with Lorraine? Yeah,

:36:53.:36:58.

played with her. She said on her show the other day I am taking it

:36:58.:37:02.

too seriously. Lorraine, sport is serious. You can't take sport too

:37:03.:37:07.

seriously. You know that. I want to make sure she puts the effort in. I

:37:07.:37:11.

don't want her mucking about. want to come and watch it. Royal

:37:11.:37:15.

Albert Hall. If you're coming Thursday, come early so you can

:37:15.:37:25.
:37:25.:37:26.

watch us play. It will be fun. you e-mail in or Tweet in, we'll

:37:26.:37:32.

tell you about it. We have lovely, lovely flavours. Once that comes

:37:32.:37:36.

together, if you find you haven't softened the butter enough, add a

:37:36.:37:42.

little touch of warm water, then that'll actually help to blend it.

:37:42.:37:51.

Smells good. Smells really good. Then we spatulate all of this out

:37:51.:37:55.

and roll it into a sausage and pop it in the fridge, so what you end

:37:55.:38:02.

up with is a log of anchovy butter to all intents and purposes. Right?

:38:02.:38:06.

All that goes in. Thank you. Now, what we've got from our delicious

:38:06.:38:12.

ox cheeks is this. This is what happens - oh, my goodness - that is

:38:12.:38:22.

so lovely. All greasy! If you hold either end, Tim, and twist in

:38:22.:38:26.

opposite directions, you'll get that tension. Look at that! That's

:38:26.:38:34.

today's top tip, Tim, perfect. In they go and... Look. Pretty good,

:38:34.:38:40.

not too dissimilar. Tag team we have this lovely now hard,

:38:40.:38:43.

delicious anchovy paste or gentleman's relish. This has

:38:43.:38:48.

bubbled away for three hours. It's soft. It's falling apart. The sauce

:38:48.:38:51.

is delicious. What we do to serve - we have mashed potato - we have

:38:51.:38:56.

done this before - a little bit of cling film on to your spoon...

:38:56.:39:01.

Quinnel... And it means it won't stick. Is that with a Q? Here we go

:39:01.:39:09.

- a little bit of that on there, and then we spoon some of this

:39:09.:39:19.

glorious ox cheek on to there. excited about this. Honestly, the

:39:19.:39:23.

flavour and the texture... This has been cooking for two-and-a-half

:39:23.:39:30.

hours? A good two-and-a-half hours. We have a sprinkling of parsley on

:39:30.:39:36.

there to give it grassiness. cheek? What time is it? Half past

:39:36.:39:43.

10.00am? I normally have ox cheek at that time! 20 to 11.00am.

:39:43.:39:47.

Dig in. Remember, Tim, how that felt when you were cutting it. It

:39:47.:39:55.

was quite tough, but now... Wow! That is tender. That is tender.

:39:55.:40:01.

my grandmother would say, "You can suck it away," which apparently is

:40:01.:40:05.

a complement. Mmm. It's good, soft - we have gone from that hard,

:40:05.:40:09.

fibrous piece of meat, Tim, to something that is just falling

:40:09.:40:13.

apart. That is delicious. I am loving the gentleman's relish as

:40:13.:40:19.

well. Gentleman's relish? Yeah, gentleman's relish. Is that for us

:40:19.:40:26.

ladies, a little message, don't eat it? It's a gift, anchovy paste -

:40:26.:40:31.

it's heaven. I'll take your word for it. What's John going to be

:40:31.:40:35.

cook next? We're doing an apple fudge cake. Nice. That recipe is on

:40:35.:40:44.

our website. Keep Tweeting your questions in too at SFTW. Right.

:40:44.:40:54.
:40:54.:41:02.

This is a road trip. These are travelling partner and a three-time

:41:02.:41:12.
:41:12.:41:12.

world champion. They travel around in a white Chevy van with two other

:41:13.:41:22.
:41:23.:41:41.

cowboys, and they themselves The world champion, three-time...

:41:41.:41:46.

America's original extreme sport invented by working cowboys in the

:41:46.:41:51.

1880s out of their skill of breaking wild horses.

:41:51.:41:56.

How many days a year you on the road? Over 200. It varies. There

:41:56.:42:00.

was a couple of years I was hurt for a couple of months or so, quite

:42:00.:42:06.

a few less rodeos, but I would say on average 220-240 days a year. My

:42:06.:42:12.

office is where I make it! What do you think would happen to you if

:42:12.:42:18.

you tried to work a 9.00am to 5.00pm job? I could do it, but I

:42:18.:42:25.

wouldn't like it! And you can watch American Nomads on Monday at

:42:25.:42:32.

10.00pm on BB - BB - BBC Four! Right. Our next guest has been

:42:32.:42:36.

having a busy year, has been doing stand-up Tuesday, has been in A

:42:36.:42:39.

League of Their Own and has written and directed and starred in Sky 1's

:42:39.:42:42.

series little. Welcome to the show John Bishop. Little Crackers - you

:42:42.:42:47.

didn't even know we had this clip on, did you? No. Little Crackers -

:42:47.:42:51.

I said, I look forward to seeing it myself. Before we show a clip, can

:42:51.:42:56.

you explain the concept of it? brilliant. It's a thing that Sky do.

:42:56.:43:03.

I got asked to do it. They did a series last year, and the it's 11-

:43:03.:43:06.

minute shorts, so last year the people they had doing it were Dawn

:43:06.:43:11.

French and people like that - all did one. This year I am doing one -

:43:11.:43:14.

I can't remember who else, to be honest with you. I don't really

:43:14.:43:15.

care who else. LAUGHTER

:43:15.:43:21.

But what happens is, they come up and they said, it's got to be a

:43:21.:43:25.

Christmas-themed story that you can condense into 11 minutes, so when I

:43:25.:43:30.

watched the ones last year like Catherine Tate and stuff, they were

:43:30.:43:36.

very much autobiographical, so I did a story about when me and my

:43:36.:43:39.

brother sold teddy bears around doors at Christmas. It's based on

:43:39.:43:46.

that, because my dad at the time had a little workshop - a unit

:43:46.:43:50.

making gates, but no-one bought gate at Christmas, so they

:43:50.:43:54.

convinced someone they could make Teddy bears. They got a big order,

:43:54.:43:58.

and the fella ran off and didn't pay them. So they just paid

:43:58.:44:02.

everyone in teddy bears, so we got teddy bears for wages and went

:44:02.:44:07.

around the doors selling them. wrote and directed this and acted

:44:07.:44:12.

it with a baldy hat on. Yeah, yeah. What character are you playing?

:44:12.:44:18.

dad's mate, Bobby. Because I wanted it to be real, Bobby was bald.

:44:18.:44:22.

There is only our family and Bobby's family that knows Bobby was

:44:22.:44:26.

bald. Everybody keeps going, "Why are you bald?"

:44:26.:44:31.

LAUGHTER Let's have a look.

:44:31.:44:36.

What do you mean? We can't find him. It looks like he's gone back to

:44:36.:44:40.

Africa. What does that mean? means there is no order. And no

:44:40.:44:49.

wages. What? Dad, who is Irish Mick? Just some big Irish lad with

:44:49.:44:54.

a nose. He's got - he used to have stalls on the market. Why has he

:44:54.:44:59.

gone to Africa? Because that's where he's from. Where is he called

:44:59.:45:02.

Irish Mick? Will you stop asking stupid questions? Listen, son, we

:45:02.:45:08.

have been trying to work things on, move some on. Any joy? Not really.

:45:08.:45:12.

The shops have already put their orders in. What are you going to

:45:12.:45:17.

do? It's Christmas next week. and Bobby have been talking. We

:45:17.:45:23.

thought we'd pay you in teddy bears. That looks brilliant. How exciting

:45:23.:45:28.

is it - your dad - It's great. Bobby has passed on now. It's great

:45:28.:45:33.

to immortalise him. It was great. That was filmed in a factory that

:45:33.:45:37.

was very much like the unit they had. They did all the other stuff

:45:37.:45:42.

on the road I grew up on. Was it weird seeing scenes acted out that

:45:42.:45:46.

you have obviously directed about your life? And Josh, the lad who

:45:46.:45:49.

played me, he never acted before. He was brilliant. We were very

:45:49.:45:52.

lucky with the cast. They were fantastic. It was great getting him

:45:52.:45:55.

because I got him doing the stuff, and you're looking at him, you want

:45:55.:46:01.

him to act, and you think - you want him to be yourself, but --

:46:01.:46:05.

himself, but a bit like you. that the first time you directed?

:46:05.:46:12.

Yeah. Did you like it? I loved it. It's something I am looking at

:46:12.:46:16.

again. It's great to do, to be honest. Although there is a bit at

:46:16.:46:20.

the end where he gets to kiss a girl -

:46:20.:46:23.

LAUGHTER And the girl is gorgeous. There was

:46:23.:46:28.

absolutely - she was absolutely gorgeous, and so - he's got to kiss

:46:28.:46:33.

this girl who is playing a 16-year- old who is actually 21, and he kept

:46:33.:46:38.

on messing it up so he'd have to do it again. At the end as a director,

:46:38.:46:44.

I had to go, this is what you're doing! So as a director, you can be

:46:44.:46:49.

a bit of a perv! Are you enjoying the acting? You're doing more of it.

:46:49.:46:53.

Is this something you're going to end up doing? The bedrock of

:46:53.:46:57.

everything I do is stand-up. Anything that comes out, it only

:46:57.:47:00.

happens because of the stand-up. The stand-up is the big thing. If

:47:00.:47:03.

opportunities come along, you have to take them. Let's talk about your

:47:03.:47:07.

stand-up. You have your DVD out. Where was it filmed? Have a guess.

:47:07.:47:17.
:47:17.:47:22.

It was filmed in Liverpool at the You go to put the wobbly baby into

:47:22.:47:30.

the car seat. Then all of a sudden, that wobbly baby turns to a plank

:47:30.:47:38.

of wood. LAUGHTER

:47:38.:47:46.

Scousers, we need to swear. It's true. If we don't swear, we've got

:47:46.:47:54.

no punctuation. It's when we try not to swear that we make that

:47:54.:48:00.

other noise where we go errr... You're in Asda, and you think, I

:48:00.:48:06.

could do with one them. I know Gok Wan, but as far as I'm concerned if

:48:06.:48:09.

you're buying your fashion in the same place you buy your sprouts,

:48:09.:48:13.

it's not kicking it sister. You know what I'm saying. We mentioned

:48:13.:48:19.

at the beginning of the show, at the end you do a dance routine.

:48:19.:48:23.

come out as John Travolta doing night fever, dance ago way. It's

:48:23.:48:27.

quite nice, I was saying to the guys, it was something different.

:48:27.:48:32.

It was all of a sudden the music come ourbgts I wasn't expecting it.

:48:32.:48:36.

I was speaking to Stephen before, because I'm in big theatres and

:48:36.:48:40.

arenas, you came to the Albert Hall. The show is structured to build up

:48:40.:48:47.

to something. As an experience it was brilliant, a great tour.

:48:47.:48:52.

going to say, this show was lots about your family. I've met them.

:48:52.:48:57.

It all comes into place. People can relate to it so much because we've

:48:57.:49:01.

been in similar situations. Will you carry, will it be based around

:49:01.:49:08.

family life? Talking about my grand kids? I don't know. Will it be

:49:08.:49:13.

about the next step in your kids' ages. You don't want to get away

:49:13.:49:18.

from who you are. In essence, I never planned to be a comedian, so

:49:18.:49:23.

I'm not somebody who writes jokes. I can only talk about was going on

:49:23.:49:27.

in my life. I basically walk around all day, hoping something funny

:49:27.:49:31.

happens so I can tell people. I haven't got that sort of mentality

:49:31.:49:34.

so say right I'm going to sit down and just observe the world and make

:49:34.:49:38.

something funny of it. I can't imagine not being able to do stand-

:49:38.:49:42.

up that's not personal. Obviously, I have to respect the fact that my

:49:42.:49:44.

lads are now teenage lads and there's stuff they don't want to

:49:44.:49:49.

talk about. You're going to talk about it any way, aren't snu I know,

:49:49.:49:53.

when you cook with Louise you will probably speak about league of

:49:53.:49:57.

their own. The highlight, working with Jamie Redknapp, is that right?

:49:57.:50:02.

Without a doubt ah, part from this moment. Of course. Apart from that

:50:02.:50:07.

echo joke, it will be in the next tour. That show is going so well.

:50:07.:50:10.

It's been brilliant, a great experience. What's been good about

:50:10.:50:13.

it, we've done stuff this year that you wouldn't get an opportunity to

:50:13.:50:19.

do. What was the best bit of that? You've done so many... The diving.

:50:19.:50:25.

The diving was good. Penalties? penalties was amazing. Missing the

:50:25.:50:31.

penalty at Wembley in front of a stadium full of Man United and Man

:50:31.:50:34.

City fans, that waents the best thing. I've got to be honest with

:50:34.:50:40.

you. You should have made you do it again. That's what I thought. The

:50:40.:50:44.

Wembley groundsman was such a miserable man he wouldn't let us

:50:44.:50:48.

bounce the ball on the way to the thing in case you ruin it. That's

:50:48.:50:53.

what they're all like. It's their job. The gaffer, I've been doing

:50:53.:50:56.

filming at Old Trafford at Anfield and stuff and they won't let you

:50:56.:51:00.

near the pitch. The gaffer has a go in anyone goes on the pitch. I can

:51:00.:51:04.

see that, but yeah, they should have let me have another go. But

:51:04.:51:08.

what they did, we've got a special coming up. It was a lovely moment,

:51:08.:51:14.

it sort of wrapping up the series. The doc did it so -- they doctored

:51:14.:51:18.

it so that the shot goes in. I thought can do you that with all my

:51:18.:51:22.

life. John isn't just here to be funny and chat, he is here to cook.

:51:22.:51:28.

That's the only reason I'm here. That's why he's here with Mr Rimmer.

:51:28.:51:32.

Keep tweeting questions for him or Stephen Merchant.

:51:32.:51:36.

Or viate website. While you do this, this is still what's to come on

:51:36.:51:42.

today's show: There are technological leaps in Frontline

:51:42.:51:52.
:51:52.:51:52.

Medicine. Slightly squeaky sound. Simon is cooking Bombay potato and

:51:52.:51:58.

spinach pie. It looks like reindeer in Frozen

:51:58.:52:08.
:52:08.:52:09.

Planet. First they round up their strongest animals with lasoos.

:52:09.:52:12.

Ah, Louise and me can't decide who is doing this bit. Who do you want?

:52:12.:52:20.

Have a guess. Who would you rather have a good looking lady or

:52:20.:52:24.

somebody who supports a team you don't particularly like. Come on

:52:24.:52:33.

Louise, you're doing this item. I said. Come on. I'm loving that. I

:52:33.:52:38.

don't care if you cook. No, I don't want to do it.

:52:38.:52:47.

So, Just tell your man that things haven't worked out. Am I really

:52:47.:52:54.

doing this? What am I cooking. I was all prepared. Apple fudge cake.

:52:54.:52:58.

We've got all spice, cinnamon, flour, eggs, baking powder, fudge,

:52:58.:53:02.

little bit of milk. Then we've got little bit of milk. Then we've got

:53:02.:53:07.

butter and sugar that we've creamed, apples and more apples. Sounds good.

:53:07.:53:13.

Sounds good. When you have something like that fudge in front

:53:13.:53:19.

of you, what stops you eating it all. Rehearsals. I'm full of fudge

:53:19.:53:24.

now. I've had about four pounds. Have a piece. Can I, as well?

:53:24.:53:28.

That's why I wanted to do this piece. First job, peel an am.

:53:29.:53:37.

that's lovely. This is going to be a kind of upside down, are you all

:53:37.:53:42.

right mate? No-one saw me. Do you think it's all right that we make

:53:42.:53:47.

this up as we go along. different than a normal week. We

:53:47.:53:51.

will cut those into rounds, John, so it's kind of cutting across like

:53:51.:54:01.
:54:01.:54:02.

that. What? Look at that. Throw that over your shoulder now. If it

:54:02.:54:08.

lands in an initial, that's who you're going to marry. It's an L.

:54:08.:54:14.

What are the chances of that Lou. Am I allowed another bit of this?

:54:14.:54:20.

If you had a corer, you would core it so you had a whole in the middle.

:54:20.:54:23.

You have everything else here. You're filming this in a shopping

:54:23.:54:28.

centre, go and get one. There you go. A bit of that. There's Tesco's

:54:28.:54:35.

across the road. I've got a quick tweet "What was your favourite

:54:35.:54:45.

venue on your tour? I loved the echo areen where we filmed the DVD.

:54:45.:54:51.

It's a great one. How many are there? 10,000. The Royal Albert

:54:52.:54:55.

Hall was memorable just because of where Catholicclibgz. It was lovely

:54:55.:55:05.
:55:05.:55:19.

Then John, what we need to do. : We need to lay the rounds of apple.

:55:19.:55:26.

We're not going to eat this one, so we can pretend. We've got one done.

:55:26.:55:30.

You've ruined the magic of telly. Also, acting, are you just about to

:55:30.:55:35.

play a part in something called the accused, which is completely

:55:35.:55:38.

straight acting. Yeah straight acting. It's a series that Jimmy

:55:38.:55:42.

McGovern did for the BBC last year. It's all based around someone, a

:55:42.:55:47.

character, accused of a crime. I'm playing a part in that. You're

:55:47.:55:52.

going to turn into a big film star, aren't snu Can you imagine, how

:55:52.:55:56.

many film stars sound like this. Sean Connery gets away with. It

:55:56.:56:02.

That's great. That's not comedy. straight acting. Something you

:56:02.:56:07.

would like to do more of? I did the Ken Loach fm a year or two ago.

:56:07.:56:12.

That was great. All of this is a bonus. Stand-up is where my heart

:56:12.:56:19.

is. Anything else is a bonus. you feel you're playing a character,

:56:19.:56:22.

though, do you feel you're being someone different or that you are

:56:22.:56:31.

kind of, you slightly? That's an odd question, isn't it? It isn't

:56:31.:56:36.

real. I am pretending. You know when you're acting, I'm not one of

:56:36.:56:40.

those person who, I didn't walk around with a bald head with a week

:56:40.:56:45.

to get into it. But there's that bit where you're trying to, I

:56:45.:56:48.

suppose, I mean I can't talk about acting because I've never trained

:56:48.:56:53.

for it. I don't know. I can't give you the poncy actor's thing about

:56:53.:56:57.

getting into character. You just do it naturally. You've got to try and

:56:57.:57:00.

portray what you're supposed to portray. When you were in the film

:57:00.:57:05.

with Ray Winston were you conscious of being someone different? No, I

:57:06.:57:09.

just thought about what I was meant to be. What were you meant to be?

:57:09.:57:19.
:57:19.:57:19.

Why are you laughing? That's lovely that. I love the idea of you being

:57:20.:57:25.

linked up with somebody who's not, in his own right, a goddess, you

:57:25.:57:30.

know what I mean? Look at Jamie, he's more of a woman than you R

:57:30.:57:35.

pleased you said that. Now we have a cubed apple with cinnamon and

:57:35.:57:41.

spices. Next job, John, is crack two eggs into there and then beat

:57:41.:57:46.

it like crazy. This is the tester isn't it? The egg is always the one.

:57:46.:57:53.

I bet you don't cook much at home, do you? What made you say that? You

:57:53.:57:57.

know what, my youngest lad's getting into cooking. Give that a

:57:57.:58:00.

good old beat. I'm going on a cooking course with him. I like the

:58:00.:58:04.

idea of it, I like the idea of doing a lot of things. Cooking

:58:04.:58:08.

course is a nice idea for Christmas for some people. Yeah. If in the a

:58:08.:58:17.

DVD. A DVD is better! A funny better -- DVD is better. You can

:58:17.:58:21.

get it on Amazon now while you're watching. Or maybe there's someone

:58:21.:58:26.

around here who does cookery courses. I sent you a text saying,

:58:26.:58:31.

if you're doing any cooking courses, let us know. He couldn't even get

:58:31.:58:35.

me into his own restaurant. I knew you were going to bring this up.

:58:35.:58:40.

and Melanie were going out. I said, "It's all right, I know the man."

:58:40.:58:45.

Melanie's like, oh, yeah. Get ready, we'll have a table. It's the first

:58:45.:58:50.

time ever, I couldn't get hum a table. You need a chef's table.

:58:50.:58:54.

He's fallen out with me over it. Tip in the flour and baking powder.

:58:54.:58:58.

We're making cake. I keep forgetting we're making cake.

:58:58.:59:01.

have so far we've got fudge, apple and then we've got cubed apple with

:59:01.:59:07.

spices in there. Nice action. Beautifully done. You're going to

:59:07.:59:12.

get it all down yourself. John and I went to polo in the summer.

:59:12.:59:18.

you tell John to hold it like this? Like a football. No, he's in

:59:18.:59:27.

character. I just need that bald win on. Is this the way to hold it?

:59:28.:59:32.

You can put it on the table, whatever works for you. I would get

:59:32.:59:38.

you to hold it, but then that would look odd. I see, it just needs to...

:59:38.:59:43.

There we go, now it's coming together. Now we're just cutting

:59:43.:59:47.

into Stephen Merchant's cooking time. Jew just need a professional

:59:47.:59:55.

to splash on the milk. Half of that into there. So we're building up

:59:55.:59:59.

layers here. It smells like Christmas. Yeah, it's a real, all

:59:59.:00:06.

of these things today are wintry. It smells lovely. What is making

:00:06.:00:09.

the smell? Cinnamon and all spice. Old spice?

:00:09.:00:13.

LAUGHTER I was going to say, I'm glad I

:00:13.:00:18.

didn't get a seat. If that's what you're feeding at your place, old

:00:18.:00:23.

spice. You only have that if you're sat on a bench. All of that goes in.

:00:23.:00:28.

Then we cook this. What happens is the bottom becomes deliciously

:00:28.:00:31.

fudgey and then when we turn it out, there we go, that's what we get.

:00:31.:00:36.

All the fudge has melted. We have lovely slices of apple. Will you be

:00:36.:00:39.

expected to make one of these when you get home. Absolutely, I'm

:00:39.:00:45.

taking that home. Going the match. We're rushing back, we're both

:00:45.:00:52.

going to Anfield this afternoon. Yeah. Big slab of apple cake.

:00:52.:00:58.

won't be at Anfield going "Hey, does anyone want to try my cinnamon

:00:58.:01:08.
:01:08.:01:28.

was... Right. OK. Get some cream, everybody. Oh!

:01:28.:01:32.

fudge gives it a little bit of sweetness, stickiness. Sometimes

:01:32.:01:36.

you eat things, they make you happy. That makes me happy!

:01:36.:01:43.

LAUGHTER I like that. What are we making

:01:43.:01:50.

with Stephen? A Bombay potato and spinach pie. Right. It's time for a

:01:50.:01:57.

second crack at guessing the year in today's Deja View. Have some

:01:57.:02:04.

more of that. # When two tribes go to war

:02:04.:02:08.

# Money is all that you can score # When two tribes go to war

:02:08.:02:14.

# Money is all that you can score # The coal board have been granted

:02:14.:02:19.

leave to bring an action for contempt against the Miners Union.

:02:19.:02:23.

Although flying pickets have been withdrawn this morning the country

:02:23.:02:29.

reckons only 22 of 175 pits are working. Cambridge set a unique

:02:29.:02:33.

record in the boat race. They sank before it even began. They rammed a

:02:33.:02:37.

barge, smashing their bow. The match was called off until tomorrow.

:02:37.:02:44.

The Prince and Princess of ways took their new baby home this

:02:44.:02:52.

afternoon, just 22 hours after he was born.

:02:52.:02:57.

# When two tribes go to war # Two members of a local firm,

:02:57.:03:05.

Coverdale, otherwise known as Fat Henry and Bernard Downs, otherwise

:03:06.:03:14.

known as chlorofoam, occupy this flat, owned by one of the murder

:03:14.:03:21.

victims. We have information they have a lot of counterfeit money.

:03:21.:03:24.

Information suggests it could be several million pounds. OK. Prince

:03:24.:03:27.

Harry is born, the Cambridge boat crash and The Gentle Touch, series

:03:27.:03:31.

five, but what was the year? I went '88. Simon went '86. I don't know.

:03:31.:03:40.

I'll go '84 then. '84? What did you go? '88. I'm clueless. I'll go '85.

:03:41.:03:45.

OK. Now, if you're thinking that Wayne has changed here, you're

:03:45.:03:55.
:03:55.:03:56.

right. He's in Athens, so our Mixsterthetrixster from The

:03:56.:04:06.
:04:06.:04:07.

Whistling Shop -- Tristan Stephenson Probably one of the most

:04:07.:04:12.

uncool drinks is eggnog, so I'm trying to make it a little bit

:04:12.:04:20.

cooler. The ingredients are like you put in custard. Eggnog, it's

:04:20.:04:23.

bizarre because you can get it everywhere, but I have never tasted

:04:23.:04:29.

it. I haven't either. You're going to taste an interesting version of

:04:29.:04:35.

it because it will be frozen. The ingredients of it are like ice

:04:35.:04:38.

cream. It's frozen and doesn't taste quite as sweet. We're going

:04:38.:04:45.

to flick this on. I have two egg yolks in there at the moment, pop

:04:45.:04:52.

some sugar in there, 25 grams, then some double cream, a and 150 mil of

:04:52.:04:58.

milk. OK. This is pretty impressive if you go to somebody's house and

:04:58.:05:05.

they've done this for you, isn't it? You could do this at home with

:05:05.:05:09.

an ice cream maker or the traditional way of keep on whisking

:05:09.:05:13.

it in the freezer, but we have liquid nitrogen. We're literally

:05:13.:05:18.

going to pour this in here. It will start to freeze the ice cream, then

:05:18.:05:23.

thicken it up. No matter how many times I see it, it's bizarre how it

:05:23.:05:28.

works. Hello. What's going on here? Louise, you're going to start

:05:28.:05:33.

dancing! Get her a microphone - yes! Here we go. It's Top of the

:05:33.:05:39.

Pops all over again. Where do you get that stuff from? There's

:05:39.:05:42.

various providers who can provide you with this level of stuff. You

:05:42.:05:47.

need the right equipment to store it though, because it's dangerous.

:05:47.:05:53.

Really? Well, it's minus 166 Celsius. So I always liken it to

:05:53.:05:58.

chip fat. That's 250 degrees Celsius. It's that level of danger

:05:58.:06:05.

you need to be aware of. If we spilt that now... It would

:06:05.:06:10.

evaporate quickly. So all it's doing is cooling it? No flavour, no

:06:10.:06:15.

dilution. It literally just turns it into ice cream.

:06:15.:06:19.

You can see. Right. OK. Looks like cream.

:06:19.:06:29.

So we're just going to scoop some out on to a cone. We don't get

:06:29.:06:35.

hundreds and thousands on this, do we? You're going to get a grating

:06:35.:06:40.

of nutmeg on there because that's the traditional spice you would get

:06:40.:06:43.

in eggnog. Interestingly, eggnog actually originates possibly from

:06:43.:06:47.

another style of drink that's actually British that we associate

:06:47.:06:52.

it as being quite American, but there is an old drink called a

:06:52.:06:55.

posit that originated in East Anglia in the 19th century. It's

:06:55.:07:01.

one of the oldest mixed drinks we can lay claim to as Brits. We can

:07:01.:07:07.

do this at home, but we have to do the old-fashioned way of making ice

:07:07.:07:11.

cream. Exactly, yeah. It will take a little bit longer. You can buy

:07:11.:07:16.

makers that make ice cream. The problem you get is with the cognac,

:07:16.:07:20.

it kind of lowers the freezing point significantly, so when you're

:07:20.:07:24.

trying to freeze it down, you really need to use liquid nitrogen

:07:24.:07:30.

that really chills it properly. you add that? I am going to pour a

:07:30.:07:34.

little bit over the top at the end. Otherwise, it tastes really

:07:34.:07:38.

alcoholic. Isn't that the idea? That's what she likes! Slightly

:07:38.:07:42.

disappointing. I am going to put a cinnamon stick in there so it looks

:07:42.:07:46.

like a flake. We're not going to eat that, though. You wouldn't want

:07:46.:07:51.

to eat that. It's just the look. What you can do with the cognac is

:07:51.:07:56.

to pour flaming cognac over, and it gives a really nice effect. I am

:07:56.:08:02.

just going to pour a little splash over there, OK? Getting ready,

:08:02.:08:12.
:08:12.:08:13.

preparing myself. Nap kip - there you go. Enjoy. Oh, thank you! Shall

:08:13.:08:22.

I be tasting? You start tasting? Yeah, you can taste the cognac.

:08:22.:08:26.

It's definitely a different twist on ice cream. I love it. It's nice

:08:26.:08:33.

to give something that looks quite summery. That's nice. I think I

:08:33.:08:37.

would like the cognac in it. It's nice because it goes into the wafer.

:08:37.:08:42.

You get that softness. Thanks, Tristan. If you want to impress

:08:42.:08:45.

your friends and family with this, you can go to

:08:45.:08:45.

www.bbc.co .uk/somethingfortheweekend. There

:08:45.:08:48.

is also a simplified version if you don't have liquid nitrogen lying

:08:48.:08:53.

around the house. OK. Last week they were in Afghanistan, but what

:08:53.:08:59.

happens when the troops come back in June? Here we meet the inventor

:08:59.:09:03.

of a new prosthetic limb in Frontline Medicine.

:09:03.:09:08.

Hello. I have come to see your legs. Fantastic - hopefully me as well.

:09:08.:09:17.

You as well, absolutely. Can I have a look? Sure.

:09:17.:09:23.

This is world's first bionic lower limb. Hugh lost his legs in a

:09:23.:09:28.

climbing accident, so he has a very personal interest in high-tech

:09:28.:09:35.

prosthetics. Let me chat about how it's attached. When I press this

:09:35.:09:41.

button, the leg comes off, so I can just pop it up, if you would like

:09:41.:09:45.

to... Oh, that's heavy, isn't it? Can you talk me through it? There

:09:45.:09:49.

is a motorised system in here that moves the ankle joint, and this is

:09:49.:09:57.

just packed full of electricitys. There's various computers --

:09:57.:10:02.

electronics. There's various processors inside. Hugh's system

:10:02.:10:07.

mimics the actions of the muscles and tendons in a human leg. Can we

:10:07.:10:17.
:10:17.:10:17.

stroll around? Sure, if you give me my leg back. That is very neat!

:10:17.:10:24.

you think you can keep up? Wow! You're going so fast! A slightly

:10:24.:10:34.
:10:34.:10:40.

squeaky sound. Yeah. Very screens tonight at 9.00pm on BBC

:10:40.:10:44.

Two. Three weeks ago Nicky Dean was here with her ten Christmas

:10:44.:10:47.

presents, suggestions for women. Now she's back. What are we looking

:10:47.:10:51.

at today? I can hear the joy in your voice. You're giggling already.

:10:51.:10:57.

We have boys' ideas now. We have football, football boots, we have

:10:57.:11:02.

tickets to football matches. Great stuff for you. Thank you, Steven.

:11:02.:11:10.

Power tools, chainsaw. Right. Shall we start with these? We have

:11:10.:11:16.

personalised footwear. These are completely customisable. We have

:11:16.:11:22.

had these made for you so you can wear these early in the week.

:11:22.:11:25.

is tremendous. Something For the Weekend-branded trainers? Do they

:11:25.:11:32.

come in a size 14? I am sure we can get those. How much are these?

:11:32.:11:36.

Those particular ones are �50, but you can put whatever you like on

:11:37.:11:41.

there. Can I put my own feet on there and give them to my friends

:11:42.:11:50.

and family. Karl was on last week with his trousers - the pumps...

:11:50.:11:53.

One of the worst inventions ever made. I quite like these. We have

:11:53.:12:03.
:12:03.:12:06.

the hoodie buddie as well, expertly modelled by Stephen. You like this

:12:06.:12:12.

- grooving? IPod or other earphones are available. I am not making this

:12:12.:12:17.

up. How cool is that? It's concealed in the jacket. The wires

:12:17.:12:25.

go down here. Who wants that? looks super-cool. Maybe if you're

:12:25.:12:32.

13, I can see this working. Ah! Sorry. I am listening to some hip

:12:32.:12:39.

rap. Like it, new genre. How much are they? �39. Do you like that?

:12:39.:12:43.

Yeah. You can see it already. You can't not like this. This is the

:12:43.:12:49.

Lomography Sprocket Rocket camera. So going back to analogue now, very

:12:49.:12:57.

retro. It's got a panoramic photographs - you're clicking away

:12:57.:13:04.

- any 35 millimetre film it works with. We have moved from this to

:13:04.:13:10.

digital, then... Back to film. you still get 35 millimetre?

:13:10.:13:14.

can. Do you remember how exciting it was to take your film in? So we

:13:14.:13:18.

have already got bored of digital photography? So last year. That's

:13:18.:13:21.

�70. They're really cool. They have a bit of a cult following as well.

:13:21.:13:27.

They're good. Do you like those? I love them. He's on side. Moving on,

:13:27.:13:31.

we have the Conical Flask Oil and Vinegar Set - �20. They might be

:13:31.:13:37.

good for the Simon Rimmers if your life, in the kitchen. You can put

:13:37.:13:41.

other things in there presumably, chemicals... You can do, a little

:13:41.:13:49.

bit of science. My meth lab going. How much are they? �20. Shall I

:13:49.:13:54.

turn this on so you can hear it? It looks like a shower gel. It's

:13:54.:14:02.

actually an MP3 player. There is no fluid in there? No. I'd hoped there

:14:02.:14:07.

would be some gel in there, multipurpose. I don't take my

:14:07.:14:15.

glasses into the shower, so I would be trying to squirt this for hours.

:14:15.:14:19.

�29. It has batteries in there - obviously, totally waterproof,

:14:19.:14:24.

being in the shower. Like that? Oh, you do surprise me, Tim. Moving

:14:24.:14:30.

on, we have the vinyl coasters. These are �15. I could see younger

:14:30.:14:35.

boys liking this. I could see that. I like Stephen. He likes everything.

:14:35.:14:38.

No, I have been told to say that. Thank you! It makes a nice change.

:14:38.:14:43.

And we've got the bowl as well, which is �20, made from recycled

:14:43.:14:49.

vinyl. Oh, it's actually made from old vinyl. It is. Quite snazzy.

:14:49.:14:52.

What's next? Moving on, we're moving into James Bond territory

:14:52.:14:59.

now, we have the Swiss Army Knife, �283.50, so it's not cheap. Can I...

:14:59.:15:06.

Have a look. It's got your scissors, your nail file, blade. It's also

:15:06.:15:11.

got a 32-gig USB stick, which has encryption technology, which means

:15:11.:15:16.

that if you plug it into your computer... Give me your iPod.

:15:16.:15:23.

looks quite menacing, doesn't he? It only works using a certain

:15:23.:15:28.

technology, so unless you chop your finger off from the person you have

:15:28.:15:33.

stolen it from... Might use it in the shower. It's quite a good look.

:15:33.:15:37.

You be taking this home with you? Definitely. That's for the James

:15:37.:15:41.

Bond in your life, the man who has everything. There are cheaper

:15:41.:15:48.

options available, but you don't get the fingerprint technology...

:15:48.:15:54.

As opposed to the others - the man who has everything.

:15:54.:15:57.

This is Mr Jones' Around the World Watch. This might be good for a

:15:57.:16:01.

chap that likes travelling because it has eight different hands on

:16:01.:16:04.

with different time zones. If you're jet lagged this might be a

:16:04.:16:07.

little bit confusing, but obviously because we're in London, you would

:16:07.:16:12.

tell the time by looking for Big Ben, �150. You can't keep the smile

:16:12.:16:16.

off your face. Is that what you would like this year? I don't want

:16:16.:16:19.

any of this stuff. Food - you do like a bit of food. I do. Reindeer

:16:19.:16:27.

pate. I might as well. This is not for everybody. Shall I try some

:16:27.:16:31.

reindeer pate? �15.99 this will cost, but if you're stuck for

:16:31.:16:35.

something to buy and have a real foodie in the family that might be

:16:35.:16:39.

quite nice to get for them. I have tried reindeer before. It's quite

:16:40.:16:43.

nice, surprisingly so. All right? That's as much as we're going to

:16:43.:16:53.
:16:53.:17:02.

have a foodie, maybe granddad might like that. Then Fee Brothers

:17:02.:17:09.

Cocktail Bitters, these are for the Wayne Collins in your life. �6-�10.

:17:09.:17:13.

Finally, a secret one here. A very wise man, I think it might have

:17:13.:17:17.

been you, once said that all any man needs tore Christmas is a

:17:17.:17:21.

football. That's it. All decent football teams were out of stock.

:17:21.:17:25.

So we've had to get a Chelsea one. That's a good present. Indeed.

:17:25.:17:30.

if you don't like football, that is a great present. Or basketball or

:17:30.:17:40.
:17:40.:17:41.

anything. What's your favourite here? All of them. Finally man

:17:41.:17:48.

wrap... See you later. This is quite jazzy. Thanks for those. If

:17:48.:17:54.

you want details of those items, e- mail us via the website and we will

:17:54.:17:59.

get back to you. After weeks of freezing wildlife,

:17:59.:18:03.

David Attenborough has turned his focus to the humans who survive in

:18:03.:18:10.

the Poles. This is Frozen Planet. What's this programme?

:18:10.:18:18.

This is living at its most communal. Good relations with the in-laws are

:18:18.:18:24.

essential. Reindeer are so valuable that the people only eat them if

:18:24.:18:27.

they have no other choice. Their favourite food is raw fish, from

:18:27.:18:35.

the frozen rivers. Every week or so, these families have to travel to

:18:35.:18:42.

find new feeding grounds for their herds. First, they round up their

:18:42.:18:47.

strongest animals with lasoos, a skill that their ancestors brought

:18:47.:18:57.
:18:57.:18:59.

with them, when they came north from central Asia. Then, literally,

:18:59.:19:09.
:19:09.:19:24.

just a few hours. Over the year, they travel hundreds of miles like

:19:24.:19:34.
:19:34.:19:48.

this, across the vast tund ra. -- Wednesday at 9pm on BBC within.

:19:48.:19:54.

Stephen Merchant is here it cook. What did you cook last time? Some

:19:54.:19:59.

kind of chocolate loaf. Was it the yule log. That wasn't the best

:19:59.:20:03.

thing I've ever cooked. It was kind of pornographic if I remember.

:20:03.:20:08.

you do much cooking? I like to cook. I just bought a vegetarian cook

:20:08.:20:14.

book actually. I was in Dublin giging, I twont a great vegetarian

:20:14.:20:21.

place -- I went to a great reg tairn -- vegetarian place.

:20:21.:20:27.

veggie dish is a Bombay potato and spinach pie. We have chilli, garlic,

:20:27.:20:33.

ginger, cumin seeds, coriander seeds, garam masala. We have honey,

:20:33.:20:43.

tach yoz, potato, and I need cubes of potato, so that kind of size

:20:43.:20:48.

really. However you feel you want to do it. I'm going to toast the

:20:48.:20:53.

cumin and coriander seeds. You would do this cold pan, let it get

:20:53.:20:57.

warm, oilles out, but we're going to do it more quickly than that.

:20:57.:21:01.

This comes from Callum, it's a tweet, "In Life's Too Short, did

:21:01.:21:10.

Johnny dep have any input in the script?" There were a lot of

:21:10.:21:15.

improve -- improv. You never know what to expect with the big stars.

:21:15.:21:18.

You don't know whether they're going to be moody or embarrassed or

:21:18.:21:24.

ashamed or whatever, often ashamed - but he was great. He came in all

:21:24.:21:29.

guns blazing. He did great. He did some things that were so crazy, we

:21:29.:21:33.

could never put it in the show. It was off the scale. He's really

:21:33.:21:37.

funny. That's one of the great things about those things, because

:21:37.:21:41.

I like, I was always a fan of movies. I like seeing these movie

:21:41.:21:44.

stars work. I like seeing the decisions they make. That's part of

:21:44.:21:49.

the fun for me. You don't have to mention anyone... I'm doing a

:21:49.:21:55.

terrible job. Do some of the people you ask to do it, do they just say

:21:55.:22:00.

absolutely not? I think, I seem to remember Keith Harris and Orville

:22:00.:22:05.

didn't want to be part of it. Orville was up for it. They do have

:22:05.:22:09.

disputes those two. It's amazing who you get in these things, isn't

:22:09.:22:16.

it? Someone like Johnny Depp. have this idea and Ricky smau gets

:22:16.:22:26.

hold of their e-mail address. He's lick a mob boss. -- He's like a mob

:22:26.:22:32.

boss. Check them into the hot oil. This will turn into the Bombay

:22:32.:22:40.

potato. I have toasted the coriander and cumin seeds. These

:22:40.:22:45.

will crisp up and then we we add our spices. Cook those for a couple

:22:45.:22:50.

of minutes to get a bit of colour on them. Then we chuck in our cumin

:22:50.:22:55.

and coriander. We chuck in the chilli and the garlic. We have a

:22:55.:22:59.

nice bit of salt and pepper goes into there as well, particularly

:22:59.:23:04.

salt. Then, once they've crisped up a little bit, we add the garam

:23:04.:23:08.

masala and ginger. Stir that around and plenty of oil. Cook those for

:23:08.:23:14.

round about 20 minutes or so. That makes our basic Bombay potato.

:23:14.:23:17.

We've rattled through that, it's a slower process. But we end up with

:23:17.:23:27.
:23:27.:23:30.

that. That's what we get. So, the Bombay potatoes pistachios, now put

:23:30.:23:34.

those in there and give them a quick mix around. Then we will

:23:35.:23:43.

layer it up with Filo pastry. of e-mails saying, "Is there

:23:43.:23:47.

definitely never going to be an Office special again?" I don't want

:23:47.:23:53.

to say definitely. If I lose all my money to several ex-wives and Ricky

:23:53.:24:00.

becomes a drug addict and alcoholic, I'm sure we will, to raise much

:24:00.:24:08.

needed cash. Due say spinach as well? No. With his hands? What

:24:08.:24:11.

feels most natural for you. Basically, we're going to layer up

:24:11.:24:16.

the Filo pastry. One layer, butter, another layer, butter. I have three

:24:16.:24:23.

layers. We slp a load of butter on. Then about half of that mix onto

:24:24.:24:29.

the top of our Filo pastry. We have our base layer, Filo, which will be

:24:29.:24:34.

crispy, then our potatoes, then we'll just do the same again with

:24:34.:24:40.

spinach as well. You don't need to cook the spinach as well. It will

:24:40.:24:43.

just wilt down. It's great for the ladies when that moment happens,

:24:43.:24:51.

Stephen. Another layer of Filo on there. A load more butter on there

:24:51.:24:58.

and slap the rest of that mix on there. Go Tim, all yours if you

:24:58.:25:05.

want it. Nice flavour in there. All the spices from the potatoes,

:25:05.:25:11.

spinach and then we finish the final layer again is Filo pastry.

:25:11.:25:16.

Then a massive load of butter on the top. Then what you do to make

:25:16.:25:21.

it look pretty is a bit of action with the knife. We're trying to

:25:21.:25:27.

just line as cross, like that. It mean that's when it cooks...

:25:27.:25:34.

cutting through? No you're scoring it really. For some delicious

:25:34.:25:39.

flavour we pour over honey. That stickiness will go into our lovely

:25:39.:25:44.

Indian spices in there. We bake that for about 45mib its -- minutes.

:25:45.:25:51.

We end up with this fella here. You get all the gloss from the honey

:25:51.:26:01.
:26:01.:26:01.

and from the butter. To serve, a nice big slab. Whilst you're doing

:26:01.:26:08.

that, back over to Louise and John, who's got the reveal of the date.

:26:08.:26:14.

Thanks Tim. The year when Harry was born, Arthur went on strike and

:26:14.:26:21.

Frankie said "war" was? Have we got the date? 1984. What did I say? I

:26:21.:26:30.

said that first. I got that bang on. I was 26. Have you got a tweet for

:26:30.:26:35.

John? Have I? Do you know what, I don't know. I will do this one.

:26:35.:26:41.

I have. After you. Go on. This is from Tony, how much do you credit

:26:41.:26:46.

Live at the Apollo with your rise to fame? Well it was a combination

:26:46.:26:52.

of things. It was Michael Macintire's show, live at the

:26:52.:26:56.

Apollo and the Jonathan Ross interview, I noticed things had

:26:56.:27:02.

changed. And obviously Something for the Weekend last year.

:27:02.:27:05.

massive part. Ashley says, what vice would you give to young

:27:05.:27:08.

writers wanting to get started and writers wanting to get started and

:27:08.:27:13.

make a career out of it? Do you have to go to stand-up first?

:27:13.:27:18.

think it helps you hone. It's about writing and rewriting and if you

:27:18.:27:22.

can collaborate, that makes it easy. Getting people to read it outloud

:27:22.:27:26.

in front of a small audience makes a big difference. Can you think

:27:26.:27:29.

you're hilarious, as John knows, until you get in front of an

:27:29.:27:34.

audience, you don't know. What advice would you give to people?

:27:34.:27:40.

Just do it. It's one of those things, comedy, if you want to be a

:27:40.:27:44.

stand-up, there's opportunities. You can rock up at a lot of these

:27:44.:27:48.

open mic nights and you'll get a go. There's no excuse for not doing it.

:27:48.:27:53.

How long did it take you before you were funny? I'm not sure I've got

:27:53.:27:56.

there yet. The first time you turn up, you didn't hit it immediately,

:27:57.:28:00.

did you? I never turned up intending to do it. I turned up

:28:00.:28:04.

because I was a bit depressed, drunk, halfway through a divorce

:28:04.:28:07.

and sad. I ended up on the stage telling people about. It I'm in the

:28:07.:28:13.

a good case to think of really. What happen sz you just find, it

:28:13.:28:19.

sounds noncy, but you find your voice. You know, I am funny, laugh

:28:19.:28:24.

at me, it's confidence. It's true, stand up is very much, it's like

:28:24.:28:28.

being a stripper, you can't pretend you're not trying to do what you're

:28:28.:28:31.

doing. You can't say something thaw think is funny and then just say oh,

:28:31.:28:37.

I was only joking. You can't take your clothes off and go oh, they

:28:37.:28:40.

fell off. You are totally exposed. Everyone think that's dying is

:28:40.:28:45.

terrible, but it's not. It's fine. These two have DVDs out at

:28:45.:28:49.

Tim Lovejoy, Louise Redknapp and chef Simon Rimmer host another live Something for the Weekend from packed full of comedy with guest funnymen Stephen Merchant and Liverpool's own John Bishop- as well as top cooking, cocktails and chat from the team.


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