Episode 1 The Big C & Me

There's a community of people in Britain that's growing every day.

It's big - there are 2.5 million of us.

Breathe in and hold your breath.

You may know some of us.

Perhaps you're a member yourself.

We all have cancer.

We're still happy. We know what's on the horizon.

And we still have arguments, like a normal...

Yeah, she still argues with me.

That's right, there are 2.5 million of us living with cancer.

And nearly 1,000 more join us every day.

The biopsies show breast cancer.

-I thought they would.

-I'm sorry for being so blunt.

It's all right.

But don't make the mistake of thinking

a diagnosis is always a death sentence.

Are you better now? I am, I feel better.

Now, for the first time, at least half of us will survive.

I'm no way on t'way out, not for a long way.

No.

No, I'm not going anywhere yet.

But then again, about half of us won't.

I said to the wife, "Do you think I'm going to die?"

And she told me, "Don't be so bleeding stupid.

"You're going to be here for ages."

But I love you. Give us a kiss.

Shut up, stupid.

It's time to ditch the hushed tones, the awkwardness.

Just to let you know that the steroid that we give, when it's going in,

it can give you a bit of a prickly bottom.

Oh, I see what you mean.

We want to share what it's really like to live with cancer.

You want to shout at people and say, "Can't you just stop,

"because my world has stopped?"

None of us has chosen to be here, but still, welcome to our world.

Hello.

Do you want to come through here a second?

So, if you just come and have a seat down by the desk.

Right, tell me your story.

I've been poorly, feeling a bit off on Christmas Day.

I'd been sick. The following day, I was feeling all right and everything.

I went to the toilet, black stools,

and thought, "I've got a problem, haven't I?"

Any pain in your chest?

Mm... no.

-And what...

-Only sore ribs with coughing.

Whereabouts?

-Here.

-Both sides?

So this is what you look like on the inside.

Your pancreas gland is this gland that's shaded.

It's like a comma shape.

-OK, and you've got something there.

-Right.

This lung looks normal here.

This is what a lung is supposed to look like.

But can you see there's an abnormal area...

-Yeah.

-Just there in the right lung?

Is it just like a little pocket of infection that's lingering?

It could be. One of our concerns would be whether or not this could

represent a type of cancer in the lung.

OK.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh. Right.

When you came with the lump in your breast,

you had the test done to try and see what was the reason.

They say it's not an innocent lump, they say it's a breast cancer.

So what do we do next, then?

We need to talk that through because those first few words take the wind

out of people's sails.

They took a little biopsy of that.

-Right.

-And that has shown a neuroendocrine tumour.

OK. Right.

Can I just ask something?

-Go for it.

-Is it benign or cancerous?

So a neuroendocrine tumour is a type of cancer

that's not the nasty type of pancreas cancer

that you read about in the Daily Mail.

Right.

Well, wouldn't I have to have tests and things?

Well, so, we'd like to do some tests.

Oh... We're going on holiday next week.

It may be, after the end of this,

that it is just a batch of slowly resolving infection,

and we hope it is.

OK.

Could I ask you one question?

-Of course you can.

-Is it going to kill me?

Oh, gee, there's a straight-out question.

I don't know, but you have every reason to be hopeful that it can be

sorted out, and you've every reason to be hopeful you can carry on

just like you're doing.

A friend of mine's had his breast off.

Yes, and that's the type of operation that you're looking at.

-To have my breast off?

-Yes.

Right, I don't... Will I be put to sleep, cos I don't want to go to sleep.

And is there because of the fear of the anaesthetic?

-Yes.

-OK. All right, I understand that.

OK.

We need to work around that then.

Yeah. A bit of local...

zip, zap, zop.

-Seems good to me.

-OK, sir.

-Take care of yourself.

-Thank you very, very much.

-Thank you, cheers.

-So what're we doing, kid?

We're just going to see if that room's free.

You'll get on very well if you call her kid.

I'm young enough to be a kid.

So you've got cancer.

Time stands still.

There is no rule book.

But there are millions already living with it.

Some are doing fine, others not so.

But the one thing we all share, like it or not,

is that memory of when cancer became the new normal.

That first moment, you think, "Gosh, life's going to come to an end."

You know.

It just came out of the blue because I've never had a sick note in my life,

never been off work or nothing.

I think I've had three days off in 35 years

-and then this nonsense kicks in.

-Oh, wow.

It was on Freda's birthday.

-Yeah.

-And they said to me, "Have you got anybody with you?"

And I said, "Well, my wife's in the waiting room."

I said to a friend once, you get diagnosed and it's like dying.

And you get reborn

with this disease, with this cancer.

Yeah, you do.

The big C. It is a bit scary.

It's the worst word in the dictionary, is cancer.

55-year-old Dominic from Leeds

is one of the very few men in the country

diagnosed with breast cancer each year.

Sometimes I think, "Why me?" and "It ain't fair,"

but I've never looked after myself.

I've always smoked.

I've eaten millions of Chineses and Indian takeaways, and...

never took proper exercise.

You know what I mean? Odds on it were going to happen to me.

I just want to kick on, live my life,

fly my pigeons and see what happens.

Apart from my wife and kids, they're my life.

Seriously, you won't believe the friends and acquaintances

I have through these pigeons.

Like a little clique of us, a little gang.

We all get about together and stick together.

'And stand up for each other.

'It's pretty good.'

-There they are.

-Oh, they're here.

Oh, yeah.

-This is annoying, isn't it?

-What?

That's pigeons for you.

That's pigeons for you, yeah.

Come on!

HE WHISTLES

What it is, with Mark, he's as straight as a die.

He won't come in and say, "Oh, they're all right."

He'd tell you if they were shit, they were shit, and if they were good,

they were good. I know what his response is today.

-INTERVIEWER: What's your response?

-Shit.

They're shit.

Come on!

I've had a couple of friends ring up that are giving me all the sympathy.

It used to be, "Hey up, Fatty, what's they up to?"

But now it's, "Oh, Dom,

"I've heard you've got cancer, mate.

"Are you all right, pal?"

I don't want sympathy.

I want to be up and laughing and joking

and listening to people telling tales and having a laugh.

The thing about cancer -

it doesn't make us any different from who we were yesterday.

We're not heroic or brave, and when we start treatment,

our bodies are not battlefields.

It's amazing, what goes on here.

You do not realise.

It's like when you go to the airport,

you don't realise there is people going every day, buzzing here,

flying there and doing...

These places are going on all the time, aren't they?

It's amazing how busy they are.

Amazing, amazing.

You know, that's the thing that I think surprises a lot of people.

-Oh, it does.

-It's when you come here,

how many other people are having treatment for cancer.

It's not till you come that you realise.

It's overwhelming, the first time you come.

It is, yeah.

Can I ask you exactly what it was you had?

-Breast cancer.

-Ah.

I had breast cancer, yeah.

-Mine's stomach.

-Right.

-Yeah, so you'll be on...

-It's a bit daunting, when you think about it.

Well, it is.

I think being told you've got anything is, isn't it?

When they explained what they were going to do, I said to him,

"That's the end of the line."

-Well, you feel like that.

-No, it's not. No, it's not.

Everybody keeps saying, "Margaret, you're strong,

"you're strong," and I'm thinking...

-"Am I?"

-"No, I'm not."

-Yeah, I know.

It's hard not to feel lonely with this disease growing inside us.

The world's a different place and it's easy to lose our bearings.

But we try to cling on to what's important.

MUSIC: Walking On Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves

# I used to think maybe you loved me

# Now, baby, I'm sure... #

In north Wales, there's a whole choir of people

facing up to it in their own way.

# ..when you knock on my door... #

When you live with cancer, there is no right or wrong of living with it.

I have the most horrendous days,

I'll have not too bad days.

And there'll be up and down days, nobody-knows days.

Life has got to carry on.

That's the thing, you see? Life has got to carry on, isn't it?

# I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh

# And don't it feel good?

# Hey, ba-da-ba-ba ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba... #

SHE SPEAKS WELSH

48-year-old Sally, a mother of five,

has been living with an aggressive form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma

for ten years.

My husband and my children, I feel...

I feel they get roughest ride of it all.

SHE PLAYS A DOWNWARD SCALE

Because, you know, they're looking at it every day.

You know, it's staring them in the face every day.

They get up every morning and, you know,

it's the same thing facing you there, isn't it?

It is hard for Robin.

I think, when you are a farmer it's a very lonely life.

It's just yourself.

After countless treatments and periods of partial remission,

Sally's cancer keeps coming back.

The only possibility of a life-saving cure

is a stem cell transplant using donated cells

from a stranger's bone marrow.

Now, after waiting for more than a year,

and a worldwide search of donor registries,

a perfect match has been found in America.

The Thursday before Easter,

I had a phone call and it was Angie from the Christie's.

VOICE BREAKING: I couldn't believe it.

They'd actually found me a donor.

In 24 hours,

she's going into the Christie Hospital in Manchester

to start the transplant procedure.

Dewi just held my hand.

And he said,

"Are you all right, Mum?"

I said, "Yeah. They found me some really good medicine."

And he said, "Oh, that's just brill, Mum."

He said, "I don't mind you losing your hair,

"because I like you without hair anyway."

You know? I thought, "Oh, bloody great."

Like so many of us,

Sally and her family have experienced everything

that cancer has got to throw at them.

This time, she's going in prepared.

Oh, come on. Have a go.

Watch the brain.

Oh.

That's another good job done.

-You don't look unwell.

-No, she looks really well, yeah.

Mind you, this is my wig, you see, that helps.

It's a really good one, though.

Yeah, but it's only a freebie.

Just to let you know that the steroid that we give, when it's going in,

it can give you a bit of a prickly bottom feeling.

-Wonderful(!)

-As if you sat on a hedgehog.

-Brilliant(!)

-For about 30 seconds.

-Oh, I see what you mean.

-Yep.

-It should ease off.

-Oh, golly whiz.

It's a strange feeling, isn't it?

-Weird.

-Yeah.

Can't walk about with my head.

No, I can't.

I still can't get used to seeing myself.

I just...

I jump.

It's just a shock every time I see myself.

No, no. My grandson saw it for the first time.

I showed him. He was so good.

What he said to me is, "It's still you, Grandma."

You're no different.

I am doing my week's medication.

I have to do it in a systematic way, because I get very easily distracted,

and then I don't know where I am.

So if I don't write a list, and if I don't follow the list,

it can go horribly wrong.

Yvette, a dance teacher and performer,

has been living with cancer for nearly 20 years.

I was first diagnosed with breast cancer 19 years ago

and I've had cancer twice subsequently.

It then spread to my bones and lymph nodes,

but it's been relatively stable for the past couple of years.

INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about these drugs?

Well, you know, I think they serve a purpose and they're very good,

but the medical profession treats physical symptoms and your body,

but you have to...

address everything else, as well.

And there are so many people telling you what you should do.

Everybody's got an idea and they always say, "Oh, well,

"I would never do that, I would do this."

And I always think until you're in the position that you have cancer,

you don't know what you'll do.

You absolutely don't know.

I find taking a holistic approach has worked for me.

Diet and exercise,

but also things like

acupuncture and therapy, Reiki,

meditation - all sorts of things can really help.

Do what makes you feel happy.

That is my main point, as I think it's up to the individual.

MUSIC STARTS

And I think that's the thing, that actually...

you can be living with cancer

and actually be fit and healthy

and well in so many other respects.

But living with her cancer has meant years of treatment,

including a double mastectomy.

The treatment I have been through, medical procedures,

have been a real assault on my self-confidence and self-esteem.

For me, my way of switching off and actually...

being able to just relax is through belly dance.

It's been just like a life-saver, really.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Despite the spread of her cancer,

Yvette's regime seems to be keeping it at bay.

I think I've got the right form.

But even so, the endless merry-go-round

of scans and test results never stops.

That's fine, you can take your seat.

Thanks very much.

OK, if you pop both of your arms above your head.

You learn the art of patience.

When you've been coming to hospital for a long time,

you learn that there's a lot of waiting.

We're about to start, OK?

It has been kept in check for quite a while, but it's just there.

It's like having a squatter in your home,

just this presence.

-SCANNER:

-'Breathe in and hold your breath.'

And in my head, this presence is called Cedric.

He's always trying to encroach on other areas

and it's almost like you just think...

"Agh! Keep back, keep back."

'Breathe normally.'

A couple of months ago, I had a scan and they did show a deterioration,

which is really the first time in a while.

Well, I hope... I hope the results are good.

'But that means the worry is that it's going to run riot.'

MONITOR BEEPS

The scan that I had yesterday is to see if I need any more chemo

or radiotherapy, but I won't know the results until next week.

No.

So... So is it effective?

He said it can be cured with it, yeah.

Yeah.

Caught in stage two, so it's quite early.

-Treatable?

-Yeah, treatable.

Mine was stage four when they...

Which is...

..when they found it.

I didn't have any symptoms or nothing, you know.

-It was...

-Did you find it hard to tell people?

We've kept... We tried to keep it quiet.

I just told everyone.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Did you find it hard...?

-I did.

-Do you find it hard?

They struggle to come to terms with certain aspects of it and stuff.

The worst thing is when they start crying on you,

-because you just feel like slapping 'em.

-My dad is the worst for it.

You think, "What are you crying at?"

I say, "Susan, what are you crying at? You haven't got cancer."

You know?

The sympathy bit, you don't like it, do you?

-No.

-You just want it to...

-carry on.

-Well, you've cried enough yourself, you know.

When you're on your own,

and you don't want your best friend sitting there blubbing away.

But what do you say to someone with cancer?

It's not an easy conversation.

It can be uncomfortable.

But then again,

it might not be.

-Oooh!

-Daniel and Adam.

-Daniel and Adam.

-Is it?

-Adam...

..in his Christmas play there.

That one.

'I said to wife, "Do you think I'm going to die?"

'And she told me, "Don't be so bleeding stupid!

'"You're going to be here for ages."'

Diane when she's 15, the little chicken.

Love of my life. We, er...

..met in a pub...

..we weren't supposed to be in...

..but we were.

And as you can see, she took a straight shine to me.

Oh, my God! Have you heard him?

I'd be doing a life sentence if it weren't for my wife.

The first 30 years of my life I were a proper bastard.

It's pointless lying and saying it were all a bed of roses, it weren't.

I were a bit of a drinker and that.

I wasn't a nice person back then.

And they say a leopard can't change its spots...

..but I've changed, ain't I, love?

-You had to do.

-I had to do, yeah.

I changed when Diane threatened to leave me.

She said, "You either choose me and kids or beer."

And I actually haven't been drunk since that day.

She's proper sorted me out.

It's my turn now to go out partying and...

I know I'm getting a bit old, but

it's something what I've missed in me years.

You're enjoying life, though, kid.

Trying.

You hear of cancer all around you, but never a man with breast cancer.

Trust him, he'd have to have something different.

As long as I've got my Diane, I don't give a shit.

She's my rock.

Oh...

But I love you. Give us a kiss.

Shut up! Stupid.

-Give us a kiss!

-No!

You will be fine.

You will be. And I think as long as you keep that in there...

-Yeah.

-You know, I've got an 11-year-old

and a 22-month-old baby,

so when I got told,

my first reaction was, "My kids!"

-Yeah. Of course.

-I wasn't really thinking about myself,

I just thought straightaway, "What's going to happen to my kids?"

-Yeah.

-And then I thought, "Why am I thinking that?

"Because I'm going to be here. I'm not going anywhere."

Sally's going into the Christie Hospital today

to prepare for her stem cell transplant,

which starts with a week of intensive chemotherapy

to destroy her immune system.

I were up at half past five this morning. I got downstairs and...

started sorting I don't know how many bags of socks into their piles.

You know, it's just a mum's job that's got to be done.

And to be honest with you, I felt better after doing that,

because you think, "I won't be doing this again for another month."

With her body so vulnerable to infection,

it means she'll be in isolation for at least four weeks,

with no physical contact to the outside world,

which also means no visits from her five children.

Ta-ta!

Come on, off we go.

Tried to keep the morning as usual a morning as we can do, really.

Like, we really just usually go to school and to the lessons.

Even though they know that you're going in,

but you don't want to sort of mention it,

that you won't be doing it for another month -

I can't say that to them.

This transplant is Sally's last hope of survival,

but even though the match that's been found is perfect,

there's a chance it might not work or that she may be too weak

to tolerate the procedure, but it's a risk she has to take.

If she does nothing, the cancer will eventually kill her.

PUPILS CHAT

CHILD CRIES

Come on. Come on, boys, let's go fight. Come on.

When they told me about the transplant,

it was a 33% chance that you can die.

For my family, for my children, for my friends, I'm just going to,

you know, look forward. We're not looking back.

It's just...

hoping, praying, for a new start.

The best possible outcome - that the tumours have shrunk.

Er, I suppose the next best outcome

is that everything has stayed the same.

Then...the slightly not so good outcome, it's got a bit worse,

and then... Well, I'm not thinking of anything beyond those.

No, we won't think of that.

We have to think of the positive outcomes.

Good outcome, good outcome. We're thinking good outcome.

-Fingers crossed.

-Fingers crossed. Toes crossed.

Yvette's scan results are in

and she's back at the Royal Marsden with her mother for moral support.

The challenge is if they do say to me,

"OK, it's still spreading," what do I do?

At the moment I feel well, and the trouble with something like chemo,

which probably would be one of the options,

is that it will make me feel ill.

So, I mean, I would not do that

without a lot of careful consideration.

Yvette, come here. Nice to see you again.

Come and have a seat. Hello.

We met the last time, didn't we?

Yes, of course.

Now, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling really well.

-I'm feeling...

-OK, excellent.

Now, look, the test that we've done they're not quite so good.

There are one or two little patches on the pleura,

that's the lining of the lung, and some of these are a little bigger.

Also in the liver...

..some of the nodules in the liver are bigger,

and there's one or two new ones which are very small.

Oh.

Look, it's not the greatest news,

but I promise you it's not a disaster. Things have got...

We are where we've been several times over the last few years,

when it just gets a little bit worse, and it's always a real bummer

when it does get worse because, naturally,

it makes you anxious, but the important thing for you to know

is it's growing very slowly.

It's not doing any harm just now

-and we've got loads of drugs still available to control it.

-Oh.

But there's two main options, I think.

The first is we could just carry on as we are doing,

because it's growing slowly - the keyword is slowly -

and the tamoxifen may be slowing it down.

-The second option - and I think I'd prefer this option...

-Mmm.

..is the possibility of being in a trial.

-Right.

-Now, the point about this treatment is it's new.

We don't know for sure how well it's going to work.

There's no guarantees, you know that, for any treatment.

But we have had some very good early results with it,

and this is the kind of drug which is experimental today,

but in a year's time,

-it could be one of the standard drugs that we use.

-OK.

-So that's where we are.

-I just don't want it to spread anywhere else.

Exactly. That's the problem with breast cancer - when it comes back,

we can get it under control for a while

and then the cancer cells develop

the trick of becoming resistant to the treatment.

That's why we need to change the treatment to something else.

-All right?

-Mmm.

Goody. Sorry it's so complicated.

No, no, no, thank you very much.

-All right, you take care.

-Thank you.

-All right. Bye-bye.

-Thank you.

-Sally's coming in.

-Hmm?

-Sally's coming in.

Never mind.

It's always about making decisions.

I just don't want to have to make any more decisions.

When I'm better, which I'm practically better,

we're going on holiday,

erm, a nice holiday.

Makes you realise that if you've got any money in the bank...

-It's no good in the bank.

-..it's no good...

just stuck there.

We're going to spend it, aren't we, dear?

-You know, you need money for the future, but...

-Remortgage the house!

..how long for?

-I don't know what the future is.

-No.

This is the morning of day three.

Just sat relaxed here in my easy chair in the corner

by all my photos, so I feel my family's with me.

Those are my boys there.

And a picture of Mum, me and Ruth.

The first stage of Sally's treatment is almost done...

..a week of intensive chemotherapy to kill off her immune system.

This is Sophie.

Hi!

She's been on nights the last two nights taking care of me.

Here's Barry, the cleaner.

-Hi! I'm the cleaner.

-He's brilliant, that one.

I'm taking him home in the suitcase.

Deep breaths, Sally.

And out.

I feel fine. I don't feel unwell.

Everything is going OK, touch wood, touch wood.

I've got Sarah now doing my bed today.

Hi!

Good morning. This is... the final day of the treatment

for the bone marrow.

Hello, Meggie, bach.

Meg!

My cells have come from America safely

and I'll be having my transplant

about two o'clock tomorrow afternoon.

I'm not worried at all.

I'm glad it's all happening now.

Yeah, so goodnight.

God bless, everybody, see you tomorrow.

Are you going to put your shoes on?

In Leeds, it's the morning of Dominic's mastectomy.

I can tell she's as nervous as a goat.

She's absolutely bricking it.

I just can't wait for it to be over and done with, to be quite honest.

I know you can see I'm smoking, but I'm actually...

I'm only smoking cos like I said, I'm a bit nervy.

Cos I do have a bit of a phobia.

I think hospitals are for poorly people

and I don't class myself as a poorly person, you know what I mean?

I've got a bit of an hiccup and we'll see

if we can get this hiccup out of the way and get me home.

-Are you nervous?

-Yeah, I'm nervous for you, love.

Where are my shoes?

You'll be all right.

-You'll have to be, won't you, love?

-Course I will. Can't cope

-without me, could you, kid?

-But you're coming home today.

-I am.

-They've said I can.

-You don't know what's going to happen, do you?

Yeah, but they said I could come home, so...

I don't think you should come home today.

I don't think they'll let you home today.

You haven't got a fella coming in tonight, have you?

Because of his weight and difficulties breathing,

Dominic is undergoing mastectomy with only a local anaesthetic.

Just awful cos every day you hear somebody dying with it.

SHE SNIFFS

HE HUMS CHEERILY

-Ow!

-OK.

-That hurt?

-Yes.

-So sorry. You are nearly there, genuinely.

-All right, sir.

Have you got a boyfriend?

No.

THEY LAUGH

Why haven't you got a boyfriend?

-Cos I haven't.

-I'm telling you, best thing that ever happened to me

is that old bird out there.

After nearly two hours in surgery,

Dominic's left breast has been removed.

There's my little princess.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

I'd sooner it were me than you, kid.

Seriously.

Later that day, he gets his wish...

..but Dominic's not out of the woods yet.

It's going to be a few weeks before he knows if he's got the all clear.

I might buy a new anti-ageing cream.

Another bit of that, some now.

With the week of chemotherapy done,

Sally is now ready for the stem cell transplant.

I've got my new lippy, and some earrings, so, you know,

I'm going to look smart

because I think you've got to do the effort for everything.

You don't feel attractive at all.

You know, you go up to the bedroom at night,

and you get undressed on your own

and you look at yourself in the mirror

and you just think, "Who the hell is that?"

You know, "That isn't me.

"That's Sally with cancer, that is."

That isn't the Sally that has been married.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah? Bit emotional?

-Yeah.

-Just get it.

Get it up, get it in, all right?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Sally Irwin?

-Sally Irwin.

-American donor.

-Yeah.

-And there's 4.51 times ten to the six.

And then we've just got the day on Wednesday the 15th.

Yeah. Then it's you.

All right, we've got this going now.

-It's in?

-It's in.

It's all done.

-I'll call you later.

-Thank you very much.

-All right, I'll come back and see you later.

-Thanks.

Oh, I'm just so thankful that I've have this chance...

..of life again, to live.

I know it's going to be difficult now, you know,

I know I'll be having,

like, platelets and blood transfusions and, you know,

there'll be loads of things going on now in the next three weeks.

But, you know, if I am having a bad day, I'm going to say,

tomorrow is going to be a better day.

Because I'm going to be just that bit stronger again tomorrow.

For 20 years,

medical advances have kept Yvette's cancer from overwhelming her body.

Now, hoping to keep it under control a little longer,

she's decided to try the next new thing on offer

and join the drugs trial.

I do feel a bit like a guinea pig,

but then they have to have guinea pigs for these new drugs.

And, yeah, it's worth a try.

I just hope it works.

You have to try, don't you?

What option has she got?

I thought I was coping with everything quite well,

and during the day it's fine.

It's at night that everything goes through your head.

My way of dealing with things is to keep myself busy,

but then when you feel tired and really drained,

and you just have to rest,

that's when you get that...Cedric coming in.

I thought to myself, OK, well, it's not in my brain.

And then I thought, but how do I know it's not in my brain,

because I don't feel that it's in my liver.

And then I thought, well, I'd know if it was in my brain.

And this is all going on in my head, thinking,

I don't know for sure that it's not in my brain, and ohhh...

The trouble is, if you start thinking, what if, what if, what if,

it really does your head in.

-Where am I going?

-That's room five.

-Are we in room five?

This one.

I think she said room five.

Yeah, I think we're in here.

So, that's for you. So, if I give you that, if you open up your box,

that's got everything in there that you need.

Hopefully it'll open up all right.

-Oh, wow!

-OK?

They should be ten. Any order.

Doesn't matter. So, basically, if you have a look on them,

they're all labelled with the name of the drug.

-Yes.

-Tells you the milligrams that you're on.

OK.

Your hospital number, and it tells you to swallow whole one capsule,

once a day, at the same time each day.

-Thank you.

-There you go.

Hello, my name is Yvette.

Welcome to my very first vlog.

I've decided to do one, really,

because today is quite a momentous day.

For a start, it marks the 20th anniversary

since my first diagnosis of breast cancer.

And also it's the day that I started a new drug trial.

I just want things to stay the same.

I'm not asking to be cured.

Because at the moment, that doesn't seem to be...an option.

But I just didn't want things to get any worse.

Anyway, see you soon.

Bye.

Eight days after Sally received her stem cell transplant,

her condition deteriorated.

Her body wasn't strong enough to cope with the treatment she'd undergone.

Sally was transferred to the Critical Care Unit.

Four weeks after receiving the transplant, she died.

-SON:

-I didn't look at Mum as if she were ill,

I'd look at Mum as if she's my mum. She's perfect.

She never let illness be the person she was.

She was... that's who she was.

She was like that.

She was bubbly. All the time making other people happy.

We gather together this morning to worship God

and to give him thanks for the life of our very dear,

special friend, Sally.

Knowing the Lord who gave her to us will comfort us in our grief.

People say, oh, yeah, she must have been tired, she'd been suffering.

At least now she's not suffering any more.

But I know Mum would prefer to be here and suffering

than not being here.

I can only describe Sally...

..as a warm-hearted person...

who endeared herself to all.

'She touched everyone's life wherever she went.'

Such a happy person.

Very happy person.

Her warm smile, her generous spirit and her gentle nature

have all been, all these and more, have been God's gifts to Sally,

and through Sally they have been God's gifts to us.

'It didn't change her.'

She was who she was and she didn't let anything get in the way.

No.

The Lord gave, the Lord taketh away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

ALL: # Sometimes in our lives

# We all have pain

# We all have sorrow

# But if we are wise

# We know that there's always tomorrow

# Lean on me, when you're not strong

# And I'll be your friend

# I'll help you to carry on

# For it won't be long

# 'Til I'm gonna need Somebody to lean on. #

Losing your mum...

..there isn't a word that can describe how much pain it is.

It'll never be the same.

Never.

Well, I'm down for 12.

This is number 11, so my number 12 is three weeks,

so I'll get another scan

and then they'll decide

what to do, because I'm being managed at the moment.

Which is different from getting a cure, because it's not curable.

I wish I knew how long I would have

so I can actually plan things better.

Because what you tend to do, well, what I've done is,

I keep waiting for the next scan.

I think, right, if the next scan is fine, I'll do this, this and this,

then I don't always.

I think, oh, no, I'll wait until the next scan.

You know, so I just need to sort of...

..get on with life, really.

I'm really in two minds as to whether to post this or not.

Because, usually, I only...

..put up posts when I'm feeling...

..quite positive.

And I'm definitely going through...

..a wobbly patch.

However much...

..you try and rationalise it...

..you still feel crap.

You still feel...

completely poleaxed by it all.

I often feel I'm coping quite well

and managing day-to-day, and I feel physically well...

..but emotionally...I'm exhausted.

I'm sure it will get better.

It always does.

And late at night, these things always seem worse.

It's been eight weeks since Yvette started on the drugs trial.

It's been very stressful the last month or so.

I think it has, because Yvette was so depressed.

All the time, she has never been as depressed

as she was after Christmas.

I just felt so desperately tired

and just really felt antisocial.

I didn't want to do anything,

I just... I just felt overwhelmed.

When I did the blog, I was really...

..frightened about posting it.

But, actually, I got really...

a huge amount of support, and so many people said, "That's how I feel."

She's now come for the results of her most recent scan,

which will show whether the trial is working.

It's just us, here we go.

So, we just sit here?

I sit here.

Now I'm feeling anxious.

SHE COUGHS

Hello.

-Sorry to keep you waiting.

-That's all right.

-Hello.

-You've met my mother?

-Very nice to see you.

Just going through, making sure I've got everything.

So it's good news.

-Good news?

-Absolutely.

The disease in the chest wall looks better.

Your liver looks better.

Overall, really, a very nice response.

Oh, wow. Oh, that's good.

I was just thinking, I hope it's the same.

-So, if it's better...

-Definitely better.

-Excellent.

Absolutely. One area in the liver that they've measured down from just

over three centimetres to only just over two centimetres.

So, really, really nice response.

Oh, that's really good news.

The treatment is clearly working.

-Yeah!

-We want to do absolutely everything we can to keep you on this treatment.

It's working.

SHE SINGS

Yeah. I am happy.

I had a great day.

My tumours have shrunk.

All of them! It's great news, for me, for my mum,

who's struggled along to every appointment with me

and shared all the tears, and a lot of laughter as well.

But, anyway, it feels like a landmark, and...

Yeah, thank you all.

I've heard people say, "Why me?"

Well, I just said, why NOT me?

I've had things before in my life, I've got through them.

I've had some trauma in my life

previous to this and I got through it and...

if I'm able, I'll get through this.

If it's down to me, then I'll get through this.

But you have your days when you think...

is it all worth it?

Is it? You just have your down days, but you soon pop back.

Morning, girls.

BARKING

You ready for this?

OK?

I went back and I got the all clear.

I'm over t'moon.

I've shown people. Well, I might as well show you.

Hoping to get a nipple tattooed on.

Wife changed my mind.

She said, "What's the point?

"You don't walk about..."

"wi' nowt on. Nobody's going to see you."

I said, "Yeah, you're right."

So, we jacksed that job in.

You think cancer...

dead. That's it, over and done.

Cancer is not the end.

I'm 55.

Let's...rock on.

So in the summer holidays, Mikey got poorly.

Does everyone know what's wrong with him?

-Yeah?

-Did he have a brain tumour?

-He's got a brain tumour, yeah.

It still sometimes feels like it's a dream.

BOY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY

# Sun has got his hat on

# Hip hip hip hooray

# The sun has got his hat on and he's going out to play. #

Yes, the tumour is growing. I don't know which way it's going,

but you just use your imagination.

Goodbye, sweet hair.

Yes, I'm ready.

Hello. What have you been doing?

Nothing much, really.

Well, we are looking ahead to the day

we're called in and they say it's good news. The treatment's worked.

That's what we hope.

YELLING

Are you or someone you know living with cancer?

The Open University has produced a free booklet

about how you can make a difference

to the lives of people affected by cancer.

To order your free copy, please call 0300 3032465,

or go to bbc.co.uk/bigc and follow the links to the Open University.