Swadlincote To Buy or Not to Buy

He's my best friend, a fantastic companion to have around.

When you're feeling down, he's there with a wet, sloppy kiss.

He's thoroughly housebroken.

He's bobbing along by your side with his big, dopey eyes.

He's not the cleverest, smartest, fastest or prettiest,

but he's mine, and he's fantastic to have on set

to play with the crew in between filming.

Jonnie! Come over here! Come on, lad!

Run! Quick quick quick! Have one of them. Come on.

-Looks nice.

-Yes, it is lovely.

Look at his thick coat. Isn't he fantastic?

-Where did you get this dog?

-I got it down the pub from a bloke.

-What?

-No, I'm lying.

-I'm looking after it for today's house-hunters.

-WE are, then.

-Yes.

-Shall we go and meet them?

-Yeah.

-Come on, Margaret. Margaret!

Coming up on To Buy Or Not To Buy,

our would-be buyers reveal how Her Majesty bathes - possibly.

-Ooh! Oh, wow!

-Beautiful, isn't it?

I love the bath.

"Bawth", as you say where you come from.

-That's how the Queen would say it. Bawth.

-Bawth.

'Ed's imagination knows no bounds.'

Behind that garage...

-SHE GIGGLES

-is one of the most exciting things I've ever seen.

As it stands, it isn't that exciting.

It's merely a cinema for human beings.

-But what could it be?

-Imagine that... with dogs in it.

What does that become, then?

-A dog cinema.

-A dog cinema!

'And have our house-hunting ladies stumbled into the largest conservatory ever?'

-It's huge!

-It looks even bigger from this angle.

-It's brilliant!

-This house is perfect. An absolute dream.

-Absolutely.

'Today's buyer is Jackie Gardner from Staffordshire,

'a teaching assistant married to Alan, a busy marketing executive.

'So busy he can't be with us today because he's in Japan.

'So Jackie's enlisted the help of trusted friend and colleague Claire,

'although I'm surprised she needs any human friends at all

-'seeing as she currently has seven.

-Seven what?

-Seven dogs.

'What does she need seven dogs for?

'She trains them in dog agility, like on Crufts.

'Don't you know ANYTHING?'

We're on the border of a few counties here.

Leicestershire, Derbyshire, Staffordshire - is that right?

-And Warwickshire.

-Warwickshire as well?

-Goodness me!

-All the shires.

-Could you not make your mind up where you wanted to be?

-No.

-You're looking for a house today, though?

-I am, yes.

-Your husband Alan - let's get this right...

-He's a wimp, isn't he?

-We often get husbands who don't come on the programme.

-Scared to death of us, basically.

-We're handsome men, and maybe too many handsome men...

-He can't compete.

-Claire, you're playing Alan today?

-Yes.

What do you think Alan's after?

I think Alan would like a village location with more land than he's got now.

So, Jackie, other than yourself and Alan,

-who is clearly not here...

-He doesn't exist.

-..who else will be in the house?

-We've got seven dogs.

-Right. Seven.

Are they all your dogs or someone else's that you borrow?

Three of the dogs are mine and four of the dogs are Alan's.

You don't...? You're married to Alan!

But I get to look after them all the time.

Tell us why you're moving and why you want to move.

-My garden is too small.

-OK.

-How small is it?

-What size would you say?

About a quarter the size of a football pitch.

What would be big enough?

-Half a football pitch.

-Half a football pitch.

Claire, I'm going to get you to take the Alan hat off now

and put the Jackie hat on.

What does Jackie want from the inside of the house?

Is she a spick and span, country cottagey type of person?

-Not a country cottage, no.

-No? So what would you say?

-Traditional.

-OK.

Big lounge, nice big hallway,

large kitchen.

Four bedrooms?

-Er... We've got four at the moment, but three...

-Yeah, three.

-OK, so you could go down to three, but no more?

-No.

What do we not want? What's the worst thing in the world?

I don't want to be on a main road.

-You don't want to be in a town.

-I don't want to be in the middle of a town.

We should find out the vital information - and we'll need a lot of it.

At the moment it seems fairly straightforward.

A couple of million? Two, three million pounds we've got?

No. What budget have we got today?

-£250,000.

-OK.

Presumably you have not just rung up our show and felt that we'd add some money to this pot.

-Is this achievable around here?

-I have no idea.

-You're mad!

What are you prepared to compromise on from this comprehensive shopping list?

Well, the garden we'll compromise on, if there is...

-Parkland?

-..an area nearby.

-Right. What else can you compromise on?

-We're looking for more than one.

-We'll have one other compromise.

-A house!

You've got a caravan. What about just some land to park that on?

No. That's not a compromise.

OK. On that bombshell, we're off.

-Wish us more than the luck in the world. We'll need it.

-You do.

-All the luck in the world.

-See you in a bit.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Jonnie, you live round here - or you lived around here.

Quarter of a million pounds - a lot of money, but for that?

-No chance, mate!

-No.

Half an acre or - what was it? - half a football pitch.

Then you've got at least three bedrooms,

-room for one, two, three, four, five, six, seven dogs.

-Seven dogs.

-Space to park the caravan.

-OK.

-You've got two hopes.

-Whose hopes?

-Bob is one of them.

-Yes, and no hope is the other.

Viewers, positive power, beam it to us.

-Help us. Help us, please.

-Come on. I've got some.

-I've got none.

-Today we're in Leicestershire.

-I thought it was Staffordshire.

-Or is it Derbyshire?

-It could be all three.

Let's just say we're in the Midlands and leave it at that.

Clearly one of the reasons this part of the country is so appealing

is its location, with many major roads to take you north and south.

And there are still signs of an industrial heritage,

with factories, workers' cottages and canals aplenty.

But we'd be doing the area a massive disservice

by not mentioning its rural side.

Yes, indeed we would.

Cannock Chase and the National Forest

are just two of the gorgeous major attractions of the area.

And only a short jaunt from the ever lovely Lichfield,

with its spires and antiquity.

And apparently, Edward, a story on every corner.

So, my house-hunting chums,

"What else", I hear you cry, "could you get

"for Jackie's £250,000 budget elsewhere in the UK?"

From the National Forest to the New Forest,

this three-bed bungalow in Southampton

with a detached garage, beautiful gardens and a conservatory.

Or this mid-terraced three-bed cottage in the Forest of Dean,

modernised throughout and close to Wales and the Wye Valley.

Or, leaping north of the border to beautiful Ayrshire,

this rural four-bed villa with one acre of land

situated at the bottom of a private road.

David, thanks a lot for seeing me today.

Bizarrely enough, today I'm looking for a house for seven dogs.

Don't worry so much about the people.

One great thing about this area are the names of the towns and villages.

We have just a few here -

Coalville, Whitwick,

Ibstock, Measham,

Donisthorpe, which translates as "Don's Town",

Ashby de la Zouch,

and my absolute favourite, Swadlincote.

It derives from the Anglo-Saxon "Swartlings Cotta's".

Swartling was the name of a man, and Cotta's meaning cottages,

so they go Swadlincote.

-How have property prices behaved in the past year?

-Vendors of houses have decided now

to reduce the price slightly from what they were marketed at a year or two ago to meet market demand.

It has affected the sales stock and the turnover is increasing considerably.

But enough etymology.

This area came into prominence because of industry,

in particular, mining,

as this blast furnace in Moira shows.

The blast furnace was once used for making iron

and is now over 200 years old.

What might I be able to find for 250 grand, David?

For £250,000, you've got various properties, really.

You could either look at brand-new builds,

a Victorian house, which may need a considerable amount of work to do up,

or something '80s, '90s, maybe a little bit older,

which has three to four bedrooms.

But industry came at a price - an environmental one.

However, as a result of this,

the area was chosen as part of the National Forest,

and this year it celebrates its 20th anniversary.

A perfect space to walk seven dogs.

HE PANTS

-Sorry.

-Late.

-That estate agent - on and on and on!

The question is: for £250,000 - which we were going to struggle with earlier on -

have we struggled actually?

That extra time invested could pay off,

because my property, property number one...

-They wanted somewhere traditional. That is traditional.

-Semi.

-It's not a semi. It's detached.

-It is.

But it doesn't just have a garage, it has a carport and outbuildings,

with a decent size garden.

Ladies and gentlemen, mine is a modern beauty.

Have a look at it.

I picked this based on one feature - it has a cinema room.

Who normally looks at films in a cinema? Humans.

Who could live in this cinema room?

-Dogs. Seven...

-Dogs don't like films!

It's not a cinema room now when I change it into a dog room.

The wild card. Everyone normally loves a wild card,

and I quite like that one.

OK. It may look like a semi-detached house by a busy road,

but what it affords you is maybe room for many a canine.

-To the tune of seven?

-Probably 14.

But inside this house, it's probably the best of all three.

-Punchy, I know.

-Stop it!

Have you not seen my one with the cinema dog room?

So here we are at property number one,

a detached house with incredible views

and a driveway to rival Buckingham Palace - well, kind of.

Possibly, Jonnie, possibly.

It's got a great garden out back, though.

Jackie and Claire, property number one, MY property.

-You said you wanted something traditional.

-Yes.

-Is that traditional?

-Definitely.

-Definitely, yes.

-Moira - often the name of a lady.

-Yes! Rarely the name of much else!

But today it's the name of, potentially,

your new home destination.

-Do you know this part of the world?

-I know it very slightly.

-Ed knows it now.

-Well, there's a big blast furnace in Moira which I went to earlier in the programme.

Very enjoyable. 200 years old. Industrial area.

-The National Forest is around here.

-Enough.

-20th anniversary this year.

-Good!

So there's history attached to Moira. Now, look at this house.

Look at what's next door to the house: nothing.

No neighbours.

-Happy?

-Perfect.

-Can you get your caravan on here?

-Yes.

-Good. OK.

-And the van for the seven collies?

-Yes.

-All right.

Look, I'm thinking carport there,

unload the collies in the dry straight into the outbuilding.

OK, now, Claire, you're here. You've agreed earlier on...

-Is it Claire or Alan?

-This is what I'm going for. Alan, could you now emerge?

Alan is not here. Claire's stepping in for him.

Alan, what do you think of the house and the area?

Alan's very impressed with the house and the area.

Alan, is this the level of ruralness that you were after?

-I think so, yes.

-Thank you, Alan.

-Brilliant.

-Can you see both Jackie and Alan living in this house in this destination?

-Yes, I can.

All right. Any drawbacks? Any thoughts? Any nerves at the moment?

-What don't you want to find inside, Jackie? Or are you all-singing, all-dancing?

-Wait and see.

-Are you ready? The door of the house is beckoning you.

-OK.

Remember, this could be your future family home.

-Three, two, one - erupt into that beauty.

-Let's go.

-Come on, then.

Ooh. I don't like the carpet. But you can change that.

It's very dark. You wouldn't want carpet with the dogs anyway.

Let's have a look in here.

Oh, that's nice. That's quite good.

Not an "Oh, wow" yet, though.

No, but I would take the word "nice" as the word "nice".

-I think "Oh, that's nice" is better than "nice" on its own.

-May happen later.

-Railings would look better than it all filled in like that.

-It could be painted.

-True.

-The kitchen.

-Oh, I like that.

-A double cooker.

-I wonder if they'll leave it or take it with them.

-That's nice.

-Nice modern units.

-Yeah.

-And quarry tiles.

-Excellent.

-Just what we want.

-I like that.

-It is perfect, isn't it?

These ladies do like a solid floor. No carpets for the dogs.

Well, it's because of the dogs, isn't it?

Never mind the kitchen. Look at the garden.

-Ah, that's lovely.

-Look at the view!

Ah, it's fabulous, isn't it?

Oh! The lounge! This is nice.

-The carpet's very loud.

-Yeah, but... you can change carpets.

-This is a nice size.

-I love the ceiling roses. They're nice.

-That window lets plenty of light in as well.

-Yeah.

-This is lovely.

-It is.

-Nice dining area.

-French windows onto the garden as well.

See what you've done there with the French doors at the back?

Can't get dogs through a cat flap.

And I've seen him try many a weekend.

Ooh! Claire!

-The burner. That's nice.

-Oh, it's lovely!

-I assume that would stay.

-Nice and cosy in the winter.

This is gorgeous.

I wonder if it's private land or you can walk the dogs across it.

-Quite a nice size hallway.

-Yes, it is.

Another nice window.

-Ooh!

-Do you think this is the master bedroom?

Yeah, I'd say so. It's a nice size as well.

-It's got built-in cupboards.

-No en suite, though.

-Look at the view.

Yes. Very nice.

-Oh! Another double bedroom.

-Wow! Another nice size.

-Hasn't got much furniture in it.

-No, but look out that window.

This house has a double bedroom at the front with whopping great fitted wardrobes.

-But that's not your master.

-No. You'd have it at the back. If I was Alan or Jackie...

I won't pretend to be - that's Claire's job today.

-That is where they should be, with that lovely field!

-Beautiful.

-Fancy waking up to that every morning.

-That's stunning.

Right. We've just found the bathroom, Claire.

-It's very... green.

-It's very, very green.

-Yes...

It doesn't have to be green. It could be changed.

-I love the archway over the bath.

-Yeah. That's novel.

-There's a power shower, by the looks of it.

-Hiding round the corner?

-Yeah.

-It's looks newly done as well.

-Apart from the toilet.

-Hmm.

-Looks like...

-Oh, an office space. This is quite nice, isn't it?

-You could easily get a single bed in here if you wanted to.

-Yeah, but we'd use it as office space.

There's a nice area in the corner there.

Look at that space! Little alcove with shelves.

Very clever. Alan could put all the dog trophies on there.

-I wonder what the broadband speed is like here as it's so rural.

-We could ask.

-Shall we see what Jonnie and Ed have to say about it?

-Yeah. Let's find them.

-Jackie and Claire, that went well.

-Yes, I think it did.

-You've got a good size outbuilding here, with power.

-Oh, right.

I was thinking either using this as some utility, next door to the house,

or maybe making this into some sort of kennel.

-What do you think?

-Not a bad idea.

-Sounding good so far.

You need a bit of power, say, if they have pups.

Or the other alternative is to put a kennel right at the bottom of the garden,

away from the neighbours and away from you.

-But how close do you want to be to your dogs?

-I love my dogs.

-OK.

-So it's up here.

-Yeah.

-All right.

-Are you happy so far?

-Yes. It's good.

-I like the garden.

-I like the views.

Yeah. Wonderful, aren't they?

Unfortunately, part of that view is blotted out by Ed Hall.

-Shall we go and see him and guess the price?

-Yeah, come on.

-Ed, my plan for that outbuilding went down a storm.

-It did.

OK. So if that's gone down well, and the house was going down well,

the only other ingredient missing is the price.

Are we ready for the world of guess the price?

Now, we had a maximum budget of £250,000.

Earlier in the programme we thought you would not be able to achieve what you wanted for £250,000.

The thing is, though, have we achieved this for £250,000?

Who wants to guess first?

-Alan.

-Alan, then. Or Claire.

So, what do you believe this is on the market for?

From a bloke's point of view - so I can be as way out as I want, Ed.

Of course.

-£235,000.

-£235,000 from Alan. And you, Claire, as well.

So, what do we believe, Jackie, this is on the market for?

Erm... Just from your reaction, Ed, I'm going to go higher.

£245,000.

£245,000. Right, then, OK.

Well, Alan is spot on the money at £235,000.

-How good is that?

-That's good, but I wanted to win.

-That's not the way round it should be.

You have fallen into the trap of being disappointed about a competition that has no prize

when you should be excited that it's £10,000 less than you thought it would be.

That leaves us at least £15,000 change from the asking price,

which could go towards a ground floor extension

-on the back of that kitchen with a utility area.

-That would be nice.

-That would be lovely.

Alan, you could have a gym in there maybe.

-We're stretching this 15 grand a bit too far.

-These are thoughts to be had.

-Shall we have a look at those, dismiss them, then go to my property, number two?

-OK, then.

-You just laughed at him, didn't you?

-THEY LAUGH

Time now for property two, my choice,

and, by golly, it's a goer.

I'm not so sure, Ed. Busy roads and seven dogs do not winning homes make.

Only if you let the dogs out, Jonnie.

And ask yourself: Who will let the dogs out? I'm not going to.

-This is a beautiful property in the village of Lynton. Do you know where Lynton?

-No idea.

Geographically, Lynton is 14.5 miles from where you work, Jackie.

It is 10 minutes in a car away from the nearest vet

-and three minutes in a car away from your nearest supermarket.

-Fantastic.

-Good news?

-Absolutely brilliant news.

-OK.

Alan/Claire, what do you think about the house?

-I like the house.

-OK, but I sense you're going to lead on to something...

-I don't like the location.

-What's wrong with Lynton?

-You didn't even know where it was a minute ago.

-I can't say anything's wrong with Lynton.

-But there's a main road behind us and there's traffic all around us.

-Claire, it's on a bus route.

I think you spoiled us with the driveway on your property.

-It was a nice, large driveway.

-Have you seen the double garage? And this kind of driveway?

They have seen it. That's why they say it's not as good.

-I won't argue that it's bigger than Jonnie's. It isn't.

-What's behind that garage?

Behind that garage...

-SHE GIGGLES

-is one of the most exciting things I've ever seen.

As it stands, it isn't that exciting.

It's merely a cinema for human beings.

-What could it be?

-Imagine that... with dogs in it.

What does that become, then?

-A dog cinema.

-A dog cinema!

-A dogema!

-Take the cinema screen away and you've got a dog room inside the house.

Take the cinema screen away and you've got a room inside your house!

YOU didn't have one! They had to be in a carriage outside!

Jackie loves the dogs, all seven of them!

-Just go!

-Go on.

THEY ALL GIGGLE Let's just go.

-Wow! This one's better.

-Oh, this is a lovely hallway. Look at the beams.

-Yeah.

Good old Alan is turning up trumps here.

-It goes all the way through.

-The beams come right through.

-This is a beautiful room.

-This is nice. This is huge.

And a big dining room on the back as well.

Ooh, look. I'll have somewhere to put my trophies.

They've won so many trophies, they don't need mugs.

If you go to their house for tea, you'll drink out of the Best Groomed Dog cup 1963.

Dining room.

My table and chairs would fit in here nicely as well.

-Another trophy cabinet there.

-Yeah.

If people go into a house and say their furniture won't fit in there, it's, "Don't be so silly."

But if it fits, great, they're moving in.

Nice view to the back. There's plenty of room.

-Not overlooked.

-Plenty of room for the dogs.

-You could set up your agility jumps out there.

-Yeah.

-Oh, I like the kitchen.

-So do I.

I like the serving hatch through to the dining room.

-Oh, yes! I didn't notice that.

-You're not cut off from the guests when you're entertaining.

-It's not big.

-It's not, no.

-But it's well put together.

Goodness! It's another sitting room!

-This is lovely. It must be the cinema room that Ed was telling us about.

-Looks like it.

-When is a lounge not a lounge? When it's a...

-Dog cinema.

-When it's a dog cinema.

It's currently a cinema for human beings but...

-Use your imagination!

-HE LAUGHS

-Ooh!

-Ah!

-I like this.

-Never mind the dogs. Could I come and live here, please?

-Yeah.

-You couldn't make this into a dog room. It's too nice.

-Yeah. Far too nice.

I can't stress how much space they will need.

That's a good room for seven dogs.

Oh, they use a keep fit in here.

Alan could put some of his gym equipment in here.

Fantastic.

I prefer these banisters.

Nicer than the other house. That made it so dark.

And nicer carpets. You wouldn't have to do anything with these carpets.

You wouldn't have to do anything with much of the house.

-They like their tellies here.

-They do like their big tellies.

I don't like the view. Brick walls! THEY GIGGLE

-Waking up to a brick wall every morning!

-That's not a good view.

-Not a good view.

-Oh, well.

-Nice wooden floor.

-Yeah. Nice size but...

-Yeah.

Let's have a look in another bedroom.

-What have we got here?

-This must be the master bedroom. Much bigger than the other one.

That's better. What do you think of the cupboards?

-Er... Cupboards.

-Cupboards, yeah.

What have we got here? Is this an en suite?

-Yes!

-Hey!

Wow!

-Surely that isn't an en suite but some sort of dog washing room.

-That would be ridiculous, Jonnie.

-This bedroom would be on the front of the house by the busy road.

-So you can hear that road.

You can hear it very clearly.

It's a very nice size room. The carpets are lovely. You wouldn't have to change any.

-Plenty of storage.

-Yeah.

-Ooh! Wow!

-Beautiful, isn't it!

-This is a proper bathroom.

-This is a lovely bathroom.

It looks like this has just been done up.

It does. I love the bath.

"Bawth", as you say where you come from.

-That's how the Queen would say it. Bawth.

-Bawth.

Tell thee what, in that lovely bath of yours, up there,

open t'window,

beautiful views, bath time. Ee, right nice, that.

Now, I'm assuming this is the last bedroom.

-It's another double bedroom!

-Three double bedrooms.

-Wow!

One of the rooms would have to be office space.

So that would probably be the room with the brick wall.

Yeah. Or the one by the road. Although that's the en suite.

One of those could be an office. They asked for three bedrooms.

They asked for a dog cinema, I gave them one.

Whoa. They didn't ask for a dog cinema.

The little men in your head told you to say dog cinema.

-Ed hasn't done too bad, has he?

-Not bad at all.

-OK.

So, Claire and Jackie, outside you were not in any way convinced,

or very reluctant to go inside.

Then you oohed and woohed and wowed and cooed.

You described the bathroom as fit for the Queen and you liked it.

But at the end you were kind of begrudging.

-This is a good place, yeah?

-It's a lovely house.

Thank you! There we go.

-Look at the view!

-It's a beautiful view.

-It's a lovely garden.

-It's lovely, isn't it?

-It is.

-You kept moaning about the road outside.

-We didn't moan.

-You moaned a bit.

-We discussed it possibly in a negative manner.

All right. Now, Alan, don't be kidding me.

What was your favourite room in this house?

-The bathroom, I think.

-Is that for you as well, Alan/Claire?

-The bathroom and the cinema room.

-Oh, the cinema room is fantastic.

The cinema room is currently a cinema for humans.

It doesn't have to be a cinema for dogs. That is possibly a ludicrous stage too far.

But, as you've got it there,

you said your seven collies are currently inside your property.

That's a great room for them, yeah? A great space.

I don't understand dogs, but that's a really good space. And you've got a lounge there...

All you're doing is talking.

If this is a question, phrase it as a question and have an answer.

The point is, to me it's a sensible idea, that being a dog room.

-But you got in there and you wanted it for yourself as well!

-We're greedy.

-Don't make him say that you're greedy just because you don't want the dogs inside the house.

-Exactly.

-There is a part of the garage.

-So you'll give them the garage.

-Yeah, which could be adapted.

-You complained the front of the house didn't have enough storage for your cars.

-No, the driveway.

But you can take away the lawn off the driveway,

which would give you extra room for vehicles.

-So you want it as a human cinema, not as a dog cinema.

-Yeah.

That's weird, isn't it? Cor, what a couple of weirdos!

I am not the one with seven collies who wants them living inside the house.

Anyway...

if you wanted to expand the house, you could come out the back a bit more if you wanted to.

-Subject to planning consent.

-Of course.

You could build one of them sheds that Jonnie had at his place and stick it at the back.

Subject to planning consent.

You could pave more of this, make it more dog-friendly. What do you think?

I think it's a really nice house.

I found you a house based on a room for a dog

and you liked it so much, you didn't want to give it to the dogs.

At the moment it's 1-0 to Alan.

-Now, do you still want to be Alan, or Claire?

-I'll stick with Alan. He's good at guessing prices.

-Would Alan say ladies first?

-Definitely.

-So it's over to my wife.

-OK.

I'm going to say £240,000.

-OK.

-All right.

-Your maximum budget was £250,000.

-Yes, so you obviously think it's still value.

That's a positive, Ed.

OK, Alan - can I call you Al?

-You can call me Al.

-Great. Al. How much is this, Al, mate?

£239,950.

-That's just like Al to do that.

-That's cheating!

-How is that cheating?

-How can it be if neither of you know the price?

-Not that we're competitive(!)

-OK. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Someone's won. And they've won the guess the price for the whole show.

-And that person is you, Alan!

-Ha-ha!

-The actual price is £235,000, on the knocker.

-That is good.

What do you think now you know the price?

-Speechless.

-Where's Alan gone? What's Alan thinking?

Alan still doesn't like the road at the front.

-What do you think, Jackie?

-I think it's a really good property.

-But...?

-It's just the road on the front.

When you're going to work is when that road will be the busiest, and you won't even be there.

-And when they're picking up from school, you'll be at YOUR school.

-True.

-Good point well made.

Yes! I'm quitting whilst I'm ahead.

-Shall we go to the wild card?

-Go on, then.

-Let's go through the field.

-Ooh!

Here we are at the wild card. I've got a good feeling about this one.

Yep, you look as excited as a small dog with a stick in its mouth.

Who wouldn't be? Wait till they check out the size of this pad.

-You could swing at least seven cats in here.

-One for each dog?

-Exactly.

Jackie and Claire/Alan, welcome to the wild card.

First of all, it's wild because,

just on cue, we've got a bit of a road issue here.

But look at the house, at that beautiful double glazing.

-It's lovely.

-Once you're in that house,

once you've parked up your van, your caravan and everything else,

you will ignore this road, you won't know about it.

Alan, or Claire - let's have Alan, please.

You wanted rural at the start of the show. Is this rural enough?

It certainly is. It's an awful lot of house.

In property terms, it's mahosive.

And your driveway, Alan, for the dog transporters?

Plenty of room, isn't there?

-You know what?

-TRAFFIC NOISE

Stick a gate on there, you're fairly dog-proof.

But all your dog activity is right back there.

But we're thinking, at the moment, when you first move in,

that garage, that's where the dogs will live - initially.

So they're never too far away, but they're not in your living room.

-Jackie, what are your thoughts?

-I think it looks great. Yeah.

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

-Ready.

Approach the property like trained Border collies,

but please do not cock a leg anywhere in the house.

Go!

-Wow. I like the porch area.

-Yeah. Alan always wanted a porch.

-Oh, look!

-That's a nice hallway.

-School desks!

-You can pretend you're at work all day!

-Aw...!

Let's have a look at what's in here.

I like these wooden doors.

-And a wooden staircase as well. That's nice.

-Nice feature.

-Wow. This is nice.

-Oh, this is lovely.

-I like the light fittings.

-I like the fireplace as well.

-Wow. Yeah. This is lovely, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Can you hear the noise of the road?

-SILENCE

Now, Alan/Claire is doing a brilliant job in there.

"Can we hear the road noise?" She's picked a point when no cars were going past, which is really good.

-No.

-Can't hear it at all.

-Can't hear a thing.

-Fantastic double glazing.

-Wow! Look at this!

-There's your wood-burning stove.

And the lights in the fireplace.

-A conservatory!

-Oh, gosh!

It's huge!

I thought that was the lounge! I didn't realise...

That's your dining room, really.

That's the lounge and that's the conservatory.

They're living at this end of the house because of the road behind.

-I can hear it a little but not...

-That was a lorry, though.

It was a lorry. Thank you, Alan. A very loud lorry. A freakishly loud lorry.

Normally the lorries are not as loud as that.

What's in... Oh! Here's the kitchen.

The kitchen's a nice size. I love the sink.

Oh, a butler sink.

-Alan will love that view when you're making him wash up.

-Right(!) Where's the dishwasher?

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh. They've already got a dog here. Look.

-Oh, this is the garage.

-Which could be the dogs' room.

Oh! Another door into the conservatory.

-It's huge!

-It looks even bigger from this angle.

-It's brilliant!

-This house is perfect. An absolute dream.

-Absolutely.

What will Alan think about cleaning all this glass?

That conservatory is like the Taj Mahal of conservatories.

You know what?

-I'd almost be tempted to call this an orangery, it's so big.

-Ooh!

Lovely floor as well.

-Another room for the dogs.

-Exactly.

-It appears to be a huge garden, with an extra bit at the back.

-Through the archway.

-I like these banisters.

-They're lovely.

-Yeah.

-Nice little cubby-hole. Could put lots of pictures there.

-Of dogs.

Let's have a look... Oh, bathroom.

-Another green.

-Needs a new bathroom suite.

A bit of work to do, but that's not a problem.

If they don't like that bathroom, they can smash it out and get a new one.

-Or just replace the bathroom suite with a white one. Then it would all match.

-Hello. Hello. Hello.

Let's look in this one.

-This is a nice room.

-It's a nice size. It must be a child's room - it says "Emma's Room" on the door.

It's got teddies as well.

This is lovely. That looks like storage space over there.

-What do you think out the window?

-That view is beautiful.

-Yeah.

Looks like another child's room. "Luke's Room" is on the door.

It's really a study, this room. I suppose you'd get a double bed in here but...

Yes, it's a study at the moment, but in that study you've got shelves, a desk, a sofa...

-What am I doing?

-You are the size of a double bed!

-Yes. I've done it in that room. It's fine.

"Anne and Keith's Bedroom."

-SHE GASPS

-Look at the size of this one!

-This is huge!

-Good grief!

-There's no en suite, though.

-There isn't, but it's a wonderful house.

-You could actually put an en suite here.

-You're right.

-There's plenty of room. It's quite a good head height.

-Put a partitioning wall down here.

Although it would be better over in that corner of the room,

if it fitted by the window for the pipes to go outside.

The main bedroom, I'm thinking,

right at the end, on potentially an extension next to the bathroom,

is where you'd put your en suite, where the pipes go along.

That's it. No one likes to mention soil pipes, but they are useful.

-I really like this.

-I think Alan will definitely like this one.

Jackie, Claire and Alan, I would say we like the property.

And great work from you.

I don't know if you were playing the character of Alan throughout that, Claire,

-but some positive work on the road noise and it not being very loud inside.

-Yeah.

So let's deal with the road. That was the negative at the start.

-Can we get beyond that?

-Yes.

-Yes!

-Straight away, yes.

-I like it.

Why? Because you've seen so much other great stuff? Or is it just not that big a problem anyway?

Because you could put a gate on the driveway to secure the dogs in.

-And the double glazing?

-You can hardly hear anything inside, and it's a lovely house.

The hard work's been done for you.

-What about this garden, eh?

-Fantastic.

-It's brilliant.

How dog-friendly is it for you and your agility course?

There are natural hazards here. You can make that into a sort of jump there.

Or would you want to go elsewhere to train your dogs?

What I would be looking at, if I did go for this property,

is to find out who owns that field next door.

It's locally owned. As you can see, it's had hay cut off it this year.

So they're not growing wheat or crops.

So for a lot of the year you should be able to use it if an agreement is in place.

-So there's a possibility there.

-That's a big possibility.

Maximum budget, £250,000.

This beauty in Overseal is on the market for...?

-There's no downstairs cloakroom. There's no en suite.

-All right.

-Just one very small bathroom.

-Don't put her off this place.

So I think it's just under budget. I would say... £248,500.

THEY LAUGH

-OK.

-That's good.

Jackie, will you be as specific with your price, I wonder?

I'm going to go for...

£249,000.

-Goodness me. Couldn't even help yourself, could you?

-THEY LAUGH

You had to, didn't you?

You are, against Claire and Alan, a huge loser.

But the beauty of it is, and the good news is,

-it's on the market for £229,950.

-THEY GASP

-You're joking!

-Is that all?!

-So you know the price. What do you think?

-That's absolutely amazing.

With that amazing thought, you need to wander off and make the biggest decision of your adult lives

about which one you wish to test-drive.

-Are you prepared to do that?

-We need to phone Alan.

Go down that way, wander off, call Alan, and we'll see you later.

Good luck!

-They're off.

-That was good.

-They're full of excitement.

-Genuinely aghast at that price.

-I am as well.

While they make that huge decision,

here's a reminder for you dogs at home of the three breeds of house we looked round today.

-You just called our audience dogs.

-Puppy dogs!

-That's better.

You're the dog.

First up today was my property, Ed,

this detached house with a driveway par excellence

and outhouses for the dogs.

A home with real pedigree, my old CHUM.

A snip at 235 grand.

You're barking up the wrong tree with outhouses.

With an extra room inside just for the dogs, I've excelled yet again.

That, Jonnie, is why, on To Buy Or Not To Buy, I WINALOT.

The price, 235 grand.

We'll see, Ed,

because it's time to let us off the leash with the wild card.

With ample front parking and extensive gardens,

this king of all kennels is the cheapest at £229,950.

But which property will our lovely lassies go for?

I haven't got a SCOOBY-DOO.

Jackie, Claire and Alan,

we have chosen to test-drive - surprise, surprise - the...

BOTH: Wild card!

Can we find out why we've chosen the wild card? What was the reason?

Erm... Compared to the other houses,

it's so much more inside,

apart from the facilities.

So our mysterious To Buy Or Not To Buy surveyor,

the man whose face you never see on TV,

has given the house a once-over.

It's not legally binding, so if you wish to buy it, get your own survey.

But it's a good heads-up for haggling purposes if nothing else.

-Are you prepared?

-Yes.

-We are.

-What do you think he might have mentioned?

-The roof.

The roof. Absolutely right.

Now, that roof, some of these tiles have seen better days.

They're fairly local, from Stoke-on-Trent.

Some of these are starting to shale,

almost de-laminating, if that's the word.

They may need to be replaced on an ad hoc basis over the next couple of years.

But, on further inspection,

you'll see that there's a lack of felt underneath the roof.

The recommendation is that, if you're going to replace the felt,

you might as well replace the roof tiles at the same time.

-But there is also a positive here.

-And here is the positive.

The roof he's had a root-around in is big enough for conversion.

So if you wish to go up there, you have an extra room potentially up there.

There's enough space to convert it.

If you convert it, you could do the roof at the same time.

If you convert it and do the roof at the same time, it's a big space,

-so why don't you put an en suite right above the...

-BOTH: Facilities.

THEY LAUGH

So see that as, potentially, a haggling point,

because any surveyor that comes in will pick that up, so that's bargaining.

It's good to have that at the start of the process

because it gets the vendor's aspirations down and helps you go in at a lower price.

All in all, the property's great. Just those negative points.

-But you can deal with that, can't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, we can.

-The budget is quite good, isn't it?

-Yeah. This is under your budget.

And with haggling...

At the end of the day, it's on the market for £229,950.

That is normally assuming a ready-to-move-into house.

So if there's any work to be done, that should come off that asking price,

which makes it even cheaper for you.

-Still prepared to test-drive this?

-Definitely.

-Yes.

-We cannot do it, though, without one vital ingredient - and that is not Alan, is it?

-No.

-It is...

-Margaret the dog.

-Margaret the dog!

Get Margaret!

Meanwhile... They're getting the dog out.

Margaret. Her real name.

Let's go and nick some of those tomatoes.

Of course, today's programme was never really about humans,

so Jackie's calling in the troops - or one of them, at least - to test out the garden.

Will it make for prize-winning pooches?

Meanwhile, Claire takes a closer look inside

and snaps some shots to email over to Alan in Japan.

I suppose it's only fair he has SOME input.

But what will the general consensus be?

Will tails be wagging, or will Jackie and Claire be going walkies for good?

Now, ladies,

the dog, Margaret, has had a lovely time here

and I believe, with the use of this property,

potentially will get first place at the next competition.

-Well, one would hope so.

-One would, wouldn't one!

What is the dog's point of view?

Can we tell by tail-wagging? How has it gone?

Yeah, he really enjoyed himself. You could see he was having fun.

And with all of his friends, him being Margaret...

I know it sounds strange, folks at home.

Anyway, what about all the friends? Could they all be happy here?

-Is it big enough?

-Yes. It's plenty big enough.

There's a nice area by the side of the house which we could make into a dog run.

We've got that huge conservatory.

You'd need that because it's just about to tip it down with rain.

Well, ladies, there's only one thing that everybody wants to hear.

-That's the answer to the amazing question that is...

-The title of the show.

-Oh, yes.

To buy or not to buy?

-Definitely yes.

-Yes!

But... subject to survey and Alan coming round to see it.

That is only sensible, as Alan is your husband.

Claire has merely been playing the role of Alan for today's episode.

Great news. Did you think we would actually achieve this?

-No, not in a million years.

-Neither did we, actually.

We didn't. We had no idea at all.

But I thought 250 grand to get all that you wanted

was nowhere near enough wonga.

You could have done it with change.

-What you need to do, maybe have a sniff around the garden.

-They're not dogs.

-Well, they can!

Have another look round and see all the things you could do in your new house. This is a lovely place.

-It is beautiful.

-And we're off to go and help other people.

-It's been lovely to meet you.

-Thank you.

-See you later.

-See you.

-Ta-ta.

-Bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd