Yn Cyt Y Salon


Yn Cyt

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0:00:000:00:00

-How y'all doin'?

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-I come here for a haircut.

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-What are we doing - Brad Pitt?

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-During the lead-up to Christmas,

-the salon doors have been open.

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-The customers have been more than

-happy to share their wisdom.

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-I was angry. I was angry!

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-Kids these days

-have better clothes than I have.

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-That doesn't say much.

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-Come on.

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-It's fun coming here. It's like

-a social event. I like coming.

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-Some things are best kept

-behind closed doors...

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-..for fear of turning

-your hair white.

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-Three out of ten

-have used every hole.

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-Every hole?

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-Would you do it constant for...

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-Would you do it constant for...

-

-36 hours. What if you need a wee?

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-She said the anus tasted

-like chicken. That would be OK.

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-Here's a chance for you to listen in

-on some of those conversations.

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-Why does everything come down to sex

-with you and me, every time?

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-Have you heard about the sexpots...

-the sexbots... the rob...

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-I can't even say it. The robots.

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-Leave it there.

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-# Sexbot, sexbot #

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-The song was Sex Bomb.

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-That's it.

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-That's it.

-

-They blow up!

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-You put batteries in the other ones.

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-You know that sexbot...

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-..do you think it can do blowjobs?

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-I don't know.

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-Imagine if you had two,

-you could have a threesome.

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-If you were single,

-would you have one?

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-No, I have a right hand.

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-Your hand's more reliable.

-That's true.

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-It doesn't nag me.

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-They sent me a sample.

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-His name was Donny.

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-Goodness me.

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-Goodness me.

-

-It was like a draught excluder.

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-Do you remember those?

-Those sausage dogs.

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-I have one!

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-I have one!

-

-I ran out of grease at home.

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-Had you phoned,

-I would have brought some over.

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-Shut your mouth, Joyce!

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-I'll need a Tena Lady.

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-It's toilet day today.

-Do you like the toilet?

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-What?

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-On National Toilet Day, they raise

-money for countries without...

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-Toilets.

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-Can you imagine

-being without a toilet?

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-I'd struggle.

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-Sometimes I get caught short

-in work. I have to do it in a field.

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-I squat behind a tree.

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-It's nice to come home

-to crap in a toilet.

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-Is your husband in there for ages?

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-He's in the toilet longer

-than the time I spend with him.

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-He comes home, eats his supper and

-he's there for an hour and a half.

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-I don't know what he does there.

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-Are you worried?

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-Are you worried?

-

-Not really. I get a break.

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-Not really. I get a break.

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-I'm in and out. What are you?

-In, out, job done.

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-Depends what I've eaten.

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-The only reason

-I'm gutted I'm not a man...

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-..is because I can't just stand

-there and whip it out and piss.

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-Pissing into a pint glass

-is easier for a man.

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-You're not supposed to!

-I don't know anyone who does that.

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-Neither do I.

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-Neither do I.

-

-Pissing into a pint glass?

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-I don't know anyone who's done that.

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-I don't know anyone who's done that.

-

-If you're desperate.

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-Piss on the floor.

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-Not if you're on a bus.

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-On a bus, no.

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-Do you spend a lot of time in there?

-For some peace and quiet?

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-What, you just stand there...?

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-I read, I take my phone. I'll go

-through the news on my phone.

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-Play some apps, YouTube.

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-I'll take the Farmers Weekly.

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-Really?

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-I was at the Tregaron Races.

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-I was enjoying myself

-with the girls.

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-I decided to go to the toilet.

-I went into the Portaloo.

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-I did my business.

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-As I pulled my trousers up,

-I heard this commotion outside.

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-I couldn't work out

-what was going on.

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-One bloke hit the Portaloo.

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-He was so angry,

-the Portalooo tipped over.

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-Carys went down with it.

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-I was drenched.

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-I had shit on me,

-other people's piss.

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-This blue liquid.

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-Can you imagine that?

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-In the caravan,

-I sit on the toilet...

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-..shave and brush my teeth

-at the same time.

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-They say men can't multi-task.

-You can.

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-Do you read the paper too?

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-I read the paper and then

-I use the paper in the toilet...

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-..when I'm done.

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-Only if it's the Daily Post

-or the Western Mail.

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-That's soft, thin paper.

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-I don't like the Telegraph.

-It's shiny paper. Good for nothing.

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-He's there for hours.

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-He's there for hours.

-

-He doesn't know how to text.

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-Sorry.

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-Dad started keeping canaries.

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-Dad doesn't know

-how to use the internet.

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-He has no idea.

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-My brother had shown him

-how to use Google search...

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-..to search for things.

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-He typed in

-"Birds for sale in Anglesey".

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-Oh, my...

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-What came up in Anglesey?

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-The next thing you know,

-he was shouting at my brother.

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-"What's this Chinese woman

-doing in the bath?"

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-Do you watch porn?

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-Do you watch porn?

-

-No!

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-You don't.

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-You don't.

-

-No.

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-What else do you want to straighten?

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-Just the ends.

-Just the end of each one.

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-Do you like some porn?

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-Do you like some porn?

-

-I have watched some.

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-Really?

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-Don't knock it

-if you haven't tried it.

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-Do you watch porn?

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-Jeez Louise!

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-Jeez Louise!

-

-No, no, never.

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-No.

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-No.

-

-Anyone who says no is lying.

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-I was trying to watch a film

-on the internet the other day...

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-..and I've never jumped up

-so quickly before.

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-The kids were watching and this

-thing popped up. "Don't look!"

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-"What were they doing?" "Nothing."

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-When you're young, you say,

-"Porn, what's porn? What's that?"

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-Now you Google it. Ha, ha!

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-Now you Google it. Ha, ha!

-

-I like this.

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-That's what I've heard.

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-It helps with the sex.

-Have you tried it?

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-You know more than me.

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-Do you have any recommendations?

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-That was years ago.

-It's just a distant memory now.

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-Have you watched

-Fifty Shades of Grey?

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-I didn't read that. Any good?

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-I didn't read that. Any good?

-

-I haven't read it.

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-Never?

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-Are you married? Bring me

-your husband, I'll speak to him!

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-No, or he'll know

-what he's missing out on!

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-18-24 year olds, three out of ten

-have used every hole.

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-Every hole?

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-Ears, nose, belly button?

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-They mean the one, two, three.

-Probably.

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-Vibrators are good.

-Do-it-yourself kit.

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-If I'm not there, start without me.

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-When Barry's working?

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-Batteries from the pound shop.

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-Batteries from the pound shop.

-

-They won't cut out halfway through.

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-You get more of a shock from them!

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-Years ago, they sold do-it-yourself

-kits in the bargain shop.

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-Did you buy one of them?

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-Yes, yes.

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-I gave it to a charity shop.

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-They use real willies,

-they put moulds on them.

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-That's some people's occupation,

-vibrator model.

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-Ooh, hi...

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-Serious.

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-Serious.

-

-Hire a willy for a day.

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-Imagine sitting there

-with a wax cast over it.

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-That's me!

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-My wedding cost thirty-six quid.

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-That's gospel.

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-Registrar licence and that's it.

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-Reception in The Ship. Lena and Alf

-gave it to us for nothing.

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-Reception in the football club.

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-Mike Fish did the disco

-free of charge.

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-The families made the buffet

-as a present.

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-Thirty-six quid.

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-Sorry, I paid a fiver for Viagra

-for the wedding night.

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-Forty-one quid, all in.

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-They've just introduced

-a new Viagra.

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-Not a four-hour wonder,

-thirty-six hours.

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-Would you want a Duracell bunny

-in the house?

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-Thirty-six hours.

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-No. I'd cut it off.

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-Thirty-six hours.

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-Thirty-six hours.

-

-I'd be gone.

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-Thirty-six hours.

-Walking around in work with a shaft.

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-That's wrong.

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-Viagra for thirty-six hours

-is something else.

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-Why?

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-You can't have mm-mm

-for thirty-six hours.

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-Good God, no. Jesus Christ.

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-It's somewhere to hang your coat!

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-It really is.

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-What would you do if it was

-upstanding for thirty-six hours?

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-What if you want a wee?

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-You'd have to hide it. Off to see

-Mam-gu. "Oh, hello, Mam-gu."

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-You do a lot in thirty-six hours.

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-Poor Mam-gu!

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-In such a situation,

-I'd have to tread carefully.

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-Oh, my God.

0:10:340:10:36

-More love will be shown

-in Salon Yn Cyt after the break.

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-Remember that man

-I fell in love with in Ibiza?

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-I tried to explain to him that

-"cont" was a term of endearment.

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-"Oh, my God,

-that's the ugliest word."

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-"Where I live, yeah,

-it's a term of endearment."

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-Those are nice for you now.

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-Those are nice for you now.

-

-Lovely, cont.

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-.

0:11:020:11:02

-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:11:040:11:06

-Welcome back.

0:11:100:11:12

-You wouldn't expect to see Axl Rose

-and Adam Ant in Magic Clippers...

0:11:120:11:16

-..Caernarfon.

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-I've got a headache!

0:11:200:11:22

-Are you Axl Rose?

0:11:230:11:24

-Are you Axl Rose?

-

-I'm meant to be.

0:11:240:11:25

-You've seen me dancing.

0:11:280:11:30

-I've seen you dancing the slug.

-How many people can pull that off?

0:11:310:11:35

-Who can do the slug like me?

0:11:350:11:37

-We're going to watch Steps.

-It's their 20 years reunion concert.

0:11:430:11:48

-# Tragedy!

0:11:480:11:50

-Oh!

0:11:500:11:52

-# Tragedy! #

0:11:520:11:54

-Col's going to watch them.

0:11:550:11:56

-Col's going to watch them.

-

-I can see tragedy in this mirror!

0:11:560:12:01

-I like country and western and...

0:12:020:12:04

-John ac Alun?

0:12:040:12:06

-No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no.

-Bloody hell, no.

0:12:060:12:10

-What about the Spice Girls

-getting back together?

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-I've been waiting for this moment

-since the '90s. I have.

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-If they go on tour,

-I'll be first in the queue.

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-I liked Ginger Spice.

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-I had a limited edition

-Spice Girl doll. It was this big.

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-She was fabulous.

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-They filmed Spice Girls The Movie.

-Brilliant, with aliens.

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-I loved it. I'm so excited

-just thinking about it.

0:12:360:12:40

-I'll have to go.

0:12:400:12:42

-In the next 80 years,

-we will have no fish.

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-No fish at all.

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-We'll only have plastic in our seas.

0:12:540:12:56

-When you eat fish in a restaurant,

-you're probably eating plastic.

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-The fish have eaten plastic

-in the sea.

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-You don't realise

-how much is in the sea.

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-Who throws plastic into the sea?

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-A lot of people, obviously.

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-People on cruises.

-Throwing things over the side.

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-I've never thrown anything

-into the sea.

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-Thrown things

-through the car window, maybe.

0:13:200:13:23

-A long time ago. When I was young.

0:13:230:13:26

-You've said it now.

-Don't pack pedal.

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-We've been breeding

-a special turkey this year.

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-It has ten legs

-so everyone can have one.

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-Do you know what the problem is?

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-We can't catch it!

0:13:390:13:41

-Some people make turkey cawl

-and turkey curry.

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-Urgh, no!

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-That's the absolutely best cawl.

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-Vile, no.

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-Sprouts are great.

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-Do you like them?

-I can't stand them.

0:13:550:13:58

-There's no point anyone going

-to the toilet for an hour...

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-..if I've had sprouts.

0:14:030:14:04

-There are foods

-that make you think of Christmas.

0:14:050:14:08

-There are certain things.

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-Every Christmas for me,

-Walnut Whips.

0:14:110:14:14

-That's your thing.

0:14:140:14:16

-Get your Walnut Whip out.

0:14:160:14:18

-Christmas parties are everywhere.

0:14:190:14:21

-Christmas parties are always

-an interesting time of year.

0:14:210:14:25

-You see a lot of things.

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-A lot of people who go out

-are once-a-year drinkers.

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-They don't know how to drink.

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-Christmas comes and they

-think they can drink everything.

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-It doesn't go to plan.

0:14:390:14:41

-No.

0:14:420:14:43

-You've seen them in Wind Street.

0:14:440:14:46

-Oh... blinkin'...

0:14:460:14:48

-They'll be blinkin'...

0:14:490:14:51

-You're not like that.

0:14:510:14:53

-What the craziest thing

-that's happened to you in work?

0:14:530:14:57

-You work in a bar.

0:14:570:14:59

-It's a case now of not what I have

-seen but what haven't I seen.

0:15:010:15:06

-I've seen...

0:15:060:15:07

-..we've actually had a shit

-thrown at us.

0:15:080:15:11

-An actual shit...

0:15:110:15:14

-..thrown at us behind the bar.

0:15:140:15:16

-We've found people in a toilet

-cubicle together doing things...

0:15:170:15:21

-They shouldn't be doing.

0:15:210:15:23

-Things they shouldn't be doing

-in a toilet cubicle.

0:15:240:15:27

-Do you like a kebab

-on Saturday night on the way home?

0:15:280:15:32

-Too right. Especially if

-I'm absolutely plastered.

0:15:330:15:36

-Have you seen that with the EU?

0:15:370:15:39

-Do you know the chemical

-they put into doner kebabs?

0:15:390:15:43

-They're getting rid of it.

0:15:430:15:45

-What isn't in a doner kebab?

0:15:450:15:47

-Have you seen a doner kebab

-the following morning?

0:15:470:15:51

-Yes. Disgusting.

0:15:510:15:53

-It's nice at the time but

-when you wake up in the morning...

0:15:530:15:57

-..and you can taste the fat

-in your mouth.

0:15:570:16:00

-Do you eat kebabs?

0:16:000:16:02

-Special burger.

0:16:030:16:04

-They might stop making doner kebabs.

0:16:050:16:07

-They might stop making doner kebabs.

-

-Not on my watch.

0:16:070:16:08

-Not on my watch.

0:16:080:16:10

-You know that elephant's hoof?

0:16:120:16:14

-That massive thing

-that hangs from the roof?

0:16:140:16:17

-It doesn't hang from the roof.

0:16:180:16:20

-Kebabs don't do anything for me.

0:16:200:16:22

-You won't miss them.

0:16:230:16:25

-Having said that, it will be a loss

-when you leave a pub...

0:16:250:16:29

-..and you want pizza

-because they're open till late.

0:16:290:16:32

-You won't get cheesy chips

-with garlic mayo.

0:16:330:16:36

-I'm hungry now.

0:16:370:16:37

-I'm hungry now.

-

-Me too. Let's go and get one.

0:16:370:16:39

-Pizza's my favourite.

0:16:400:16:41

-Pizza's my favourite.

-

-From the kebab place.

0:16:410:16:43

-No, from the pizza place.

0:16:440:16:47

-You get up the next day

-with a massive headache.

0:16:470:16:50

-The missus is cooking bacon.

0:16:500:16:53

-You smell the waft

-while your head's on the pillow.

0:16:530:16:57

-This waft comes through.

0:16:570:16:59

-Bacon! You come alive.

0:17:000:17:02

-What's the worst thing

-you've put in your mouth, or eaten?

0:17:040:17:08

-Michael Portillo.

0:17:080:17:10

-I've eaten a tadpole.

0:17:110:17:13

-I've eaten a tadpole.

-

-A tadpole.

0:17:130:17:14

-I ate a frog in Aberporth.

0:17:150:17:17

-A frog in Aberporth?

0:17:170:17:19

-A frog in Aberporth?

-

-Yes. It was on the menu.

0:17:190:17:21

-I ate escargot...

0:17:210:17:24

-What's one of those?

0:17:250:17:26

-What's one of those?

-

-A snail.

0:17:260:17:28

-Have you eaten one?

0:17:280:17:31

-It was like eating a heavy cold.

0:17:310:17:34

-It was... It was vile.

0:17:350:17:38

-When we were young and we'd

-go on trips, we'd play dares.

0:17:380:17:42

-We'd eat dogfood.

0:17:420:17:45

-I loved it.

0:17:450:17:46

-I like a sailor.

-Oh, yes, that white suit.

0:17:470:17:51

-I like a sailor. Nain, Nanni Noggi

-says I have a mouth like a sailor.

0:17:510:17:56

-Do you know what they say?

-You are what you eat.

0:17:570:18:00

-Isn't that right, Jo? I was telling

-them there that I like seamen!

0:18:030:18:07

-You like seamen?

0:18:080:18:09

-I do, yeah.

-You know, a nice sailor.

0:18:090:18:11

-# All the nice girls love a sailor #

0:18:140:18:18

-Have you heard the scandal

-about Anne Robinson on Tinder?

0:18:190:18:23

-Oh, my God.

0:18:240:18:25

-She has more of a sex life

-than most people.

0:18:260:18:28

-Anne Robinson said, "Sex is better

-at 73," and she's on Tinder.

0:18:290:18:33

-And she's a redhead.

-You two could be best friends.

0:18:340:18:37

-I'm on Match.com and Zoosk.

0:18:370:18:39

-You are?

0:18:400:18:41

-You are?

-

-Yes.

0:18:410:18:42

-I don't like Tinder

-because it's free.

0:18:420:18:46

-I think if men pay,

-they're more serious.

0:18:460:18:50

-Fair enough.

0:18:500:18:51

-You pay for Zoosk and Match.com

0:18:520:18:54

-Anne Robinson

-is a cheaper version of you.

0:18:540:18:58

-It's free, it's free.

0:18:580:19:00

-Cheaper quality men.

0:19:010:19:03

-Cheaper quality men!

0:19:030:19:05

-Imagine Anne Robinson.

-Swipe, swipe, yes.

0:19:060:19:09

-Fuckin' hell, yuck!

0:19:090:19:11

-It's disgusting, she's 74.

-She's passed her sell-by-date.

0:19:110:19:15

-When you're 73,

-you're not going to be having sex?

0:19:160:19:20

-I might break a hip.

0:19:200:19:22

-I don't know what positions

-Aled puts you in, but Jesus Christ!

0:19:220:19:27

-73 Ceri, 73.

0:19:270:19:31

-Your grandparents

-are probably still having sex.

0:19:310:19:35

-It's true.

0:19:360:19:39

-That's life.

0:19:390:19:40

-It makes no difference

-if you're 23 or 73.

0:19:410:19:43

-They're still at it,

-like rabbits probably.

0:19:440:19:47

-My man and me have broken up.

0:19:470:19:50

-Finally.

0:19:500:19:52

-After three years.

0:19:520:19:54

-He wasn't good enough for you,

-anyway.

0:19:540:19:57

-He was too thin.

0:19:570:19:59

-But he had a big one.

0:20:030:20:05

-Bloody hell.

0:20:050:20:07

-I like a large, hairy pussy.

0:20:080:20:11

-You can't say a thing.

0:20:150:20:17

-That was totally innocent

-but Joyce...!

0:20:170:20:20

-Be careful where you buy your tuna.

0:20:210:20:24

-You know Fukushima in Japan?

0:20:240:20:27

-Fukushima.

0:20:280:20:29

-Have you seen the octopuses?

0:20:320:20:34

-Do you have any in Aberporth?

0:20:350:20:37

-How odd.

-And they were moving around.

0:20:390:20:42

-Then they died.

0:20:420:20:45

-Testicles everywhere on the beach.

0:20:450:20:48

-What?

0:20:480:20:49

-What?

-

-Ooh!

0:20:490:20:50

-Testicles?

0:20:510:20:53

-Tentacles I meant!

0:20:540:20:56

-It shows what's on your mind.

0:20:580:21:00

-You started it with the pussy flap.

0:21:010:21:04

-Do you like trick or treaters

-calling at your house?

0:21:060:21:10

-They'll come tonight.

0:21:100:21:12

-Do you have sweets for them?

-Do you have a pumpkin in the window?

0:21:120:21:17

-I haven't bought a compkin yet.

0:21:180:21:20

-Compkin!

-She's had too much Prosecco.

0:21:210:21:23

-Look! Joyce is pissed as a fart.

0:21:240:21:26

-After three. Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year.

0:21:320:21:36

-OK. Right into there.

0:21:360:21:39

-That one.

0:21:400:21:42

-Go. Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year.

0:21:420:21:45

-Merry Christmas...

0:21:470:21:49

-To everyone.

0:21:490:21:51

-To everyone.

-

-And you.

0:21:510:21:52

-And you. And me.

0:21:520:21:53

-Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year...

0:21:540:21:58

-..from Kirsty and me.

0:21:580:22:01

-Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year.

0:22:010:22:04

-Ho, ho, ho.

0:22:050:22:06

-Brill, boys.

0:22:090:22:11

-We'd make a great choir.

0:22:110:22:13

-Yes, well,

-after all this festive fun...

0:22:130:22:18

-..the only thing left to say

-is happy new year.

0:22:180:22:21

-Don't burn my hair!

0:22:230:22:25

-Remember,

-you can trust your hair stylist...

0:22:250:22:28

-..since everything that's said

-in the salon stays in the salon!

0:22:290:22:34

-Goodnight.

0:22:350:22:36

-It's all bullshit.

0:22:370:22:39

-For Maggi to be serious

-for a minute...

0:22:390:22:41

-..some people in this world

-can't deal with the fact...

0:22:420:22:45

-..that everything that happens

-these days is totally bloody random.

0:22:460:22:51

-Some people can't cope without

-having someone driving the bus.

0:22:510:22:56

-Well, newsflash.

-No-one's driving the fuckin' bus.

0:22:560:23:01

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

0:23:200:23:22

-.

0:23:220:23:22

Cyfle i glywed y sgyrsiau hynny oedd ychydig yn rhy lliwgar i'w cynnwys mewn rhaglenni blaenorol. A chance to hear those discussions that were a little too honest to be included earlier!


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