Yn Cyt Y Salon

-.

-How y'all doin'?

-I come here for a haircut.

-What are we doing - Brad Pitt?

-During the lead-up to Christmas,

-the salon doors have been open.

-The customers have been more than

-happy to share their wisdom.

-I was angry. I was angry!

-Kids these days

-have better clothes than I have.

-That doesn't say much.

-Come on.

-It's fun coming here. It's like

-a social event. I like coming.

-Some things are best kept

-behind closed doors...

-..for fear of turning

-your hair white.

-Three out of ten

-have used every hole.

-Every hole?

-Would you do it constant for...

-Would you do it constant for...

-

-36 hours. What if you need a wee?

-She said the anus tasted

-like chicken. That would be OK.

-Here's a chance for you to listen in

-on some of those conversations.

-Why does everything come down to sex

-with you and me, every time?

-Have you heard about the sexpots...

-the sexbots... the rob...

-I can't even say it. The robots.

-Leave it there.

-# Sexbot, sexbot #

-The song was Sex Bomb.

-That's it.

-That's it.

-

-They blow up!

-You put batteries in the other ones.

-You know that sexbot...

-..do you think it can do blowjobs?

-I don't know.

-Imagine if you had two,

-you could have a threesome.

-If you were single,

-would you have one?

-No, I have a right hand.

-Your hand's more reliable.

-That's true.

-It doesn't nag me.

-They sent me a sample.

-His name was Donny.

-Goodness me.

-Goodness me.

-

-It was like a draught excluder.

-Do you remember those?

-Those sausage dogs.

-I have one!

-I have one!

-

-I ran out of grease at home.

-Had you phoned,

-I would have brought some over.

-Shut your mouth, Joyce!

-I'll need a Tena Lady.

-It's toilet day today.

-Do you like the toilet?

-What?

-On National Toilet Day, they raise

-money for countries without...

-Toilets.

-Can you imagine

-being without a toilet?

-I'd struggle.

-Sometimes I get caught short

-in work. I have to do it in a field.

-I squat behind a tree.

-It's nice to come home

-to crap in a toilet.

-Is your husband in there for ages?

-He's in the toilet longer

-than the time I spend with him.

-He comes home, eats his supper and

-he's there for an hour and a half.

-I don't know what he does there.

-Are you worried?

-Are you worried?

-

-Not really. I get a break.

-Not really. I get a break.

-I'm in and out. What are you?

-In, out, job done.

-Depends what I've eaten.

-The only reason

-I'm gutted I'm not a man...

-..is because I can't just stand

-there and whip it out and piss.

-Pissing into a pint glass

-is easier for a man.

-You're not supposed to!

-I don't know anyone who does that.

-Neither do I.

-Neither do I.

-

-Pissing into a pint glass?

-I don't know anyone who's done that.

-I don't know anyone who's done that.

-

-If you're desperate.

-Piss on the floor.

-Not if you're on a bus.

-On a bus, no.

-Do you spend a lot of time in there?

-For some peace and quiet?

-What, you just stand there...?

-I read, I take my phone. I'll go

-through the news on my phone.

-Play some apps, YouTube.

-I'll take the Farmers Weekly.

-Really?

-I was at the Tregaron Races.

-I was enjoying myself

-with the girls.

-I decided to go to the toilet.

-I went into the Portaloo.

-I did my business.

-As I pulled my trousers up,

-I heard this commotion outside.

-I couldn't work out

-what was going on.

-One bloke hit the Portaloo.

-He was so angry,

-the Portalooo tipped over.

-Carys went down with it.

-I was drenched.

-I had shit on me,

-other people's piss.

-This blue liquid.

-Can you imagine that?

-In the caravan,

-I sit on the toilet...

-..shave and brush my teeth

-at the same time.

-They say men can't multi-task.

-You can.

-Do you read the paper too?

-I read the paper and then

-I use the paper in the toilet...

-..when I'm done.

-Only if it's the Daily Post

-or the Western Mail.

-That's soft, thin paper.

-I don't like the Telegraph.

-It's shiny paper. Good for nothing.

-He's there for hours.

-He's there for hours.

-

-He doesn't know how to text.

-Sorry.

-Dad started keeping canaries.

-Dad doesn't know

-how to use the internet.

-He has no idea.

-My brother had shown him

-how to use Google search...

-..to search for things.

-He typed in

-"Birds for sale in Anglesey".

-Oh, my...

-What came up in Anglesey?

-The next thing you know,

-he was shouting at my brother.

-"What's this Chinese woman

-doing in the bath?"

-Do you watch porn?

-Do you watch porn?

-

-No!

-You don't.

-You don't.

-

-No.

-What else do you want to straighten?

-Just the ends.

-Just the end of each one.

-Do you like some porn?

-Do you like some porn?

-

-I have watched some.

-Really?

-Don't knock it

-if you haven't tried it.

-Do you watch porn?

-Jeez Louise!

-Jeez Louise!

-

-No, no, never.

-No.

-No.

-

-Anyone who says no is lying.

-I was trying to watch a film

-on the internet the other day...

-..and I've never jumped up

-so quickly before.

-The kids were watching and this

-thing popped up. "Don't look!"

-"What were they doing?" "Nothing."

-When you're young, you say,

-"Porn, what's porn? What's that?"

-Now you Google it. Ha, ha!

-Now you Google it. Ha, ha!

-

-I like this.

-That's what I've heard.

-It helps with the sex.

-Have you tried it?

-You know more than me.

-Do you have any recommendations?

-That was years ago.

-It's just a distant memory now.

-Have you watched

-Fifty Shades of Grey?

-I didn't read that. Any good?

-I didn't read that. Any good?

-

-I haven't read it.

-Never?

-Are you married? Bring me

-your husband, I'll speak to him!

-No, or he'll know

-what he's missing out on!

-18-24 year olds, three out of ten

-have used every hole.

-Every hole?

-Ears, nose, belly button?

-They mean the one, two, three.

-Probably.

-Vibrators are good.

-Do-it-yourself kit.

-If I'm not there, start without me.

-When Barry's working?

-Batteries from the pound shop.

-Batteries from the pound shop.

-

-They won't cut out halfway through.

-You get more of a shock from them!

-Years ago, they sold do-it-yourself

-kits in the bargain shop.

-Did you buy one of them?

-Yes, yes.

-I gave it to a charity shop.

-They use real willies,

-they put moulds on them.

-That's some people's occupation,

-vibrator model.

-Ooh, hi...

-Serious.

-Serious.

-

-Hire a willy for a day.

-Imagine sitting there

-with a wax cast over it.

-That's me!

-My wedding cost thirty-six quid.

-That's gospel.

-Registrar licence and that's it.

-Reception in The Ship. Lena and Alf

-gave it to us for nothing.

-Reception in the football club.

-Mike Fish did the disco

-free of charge.

-The families made the buffet

-as a present.

-Thirty-six quid.

-Sorry, I paid a fiver for Viagra

-for the wedding night.

-Forty-one quid, all in.

-They've just introduced

-a new Viagra.

-Not a four-hour wonder,

-thirty-six hours.

-Would you want a Duracell bunny

-in the house?

-Thirty-six hours.

-No. I'd cut it off.

-Thirty-six hours.

-Thirty-six hours.

-

-I'd be gone.

-Thirty-six hours.

-Walking around in work with a shaft.

-That's wrong.

-Viagra for thirty-six hours

-is something else.

-Why?

-You can't have mm-mm

-for thirty-six hours.

-Good God, no. Jesus Christ.

-It's somewhere to hang your coat!

-It really is.

-What would you do if it was

-upstanding for thirty-six hours?

-What if you want a wee?

-You'd have to hide it. Off to see

-Mam-gu. "Oh, hello, Mam-gu."

-You do a lot in thirty-six hours.

-Poor Mam-gu!

-In such a situation,

-I'd have to tread carefully.

-Oh, my God.

-More love will be shown

-in Salon Yn Cyt after the break.

-Remember that man

-I fell in love with in Ibiza?

-I tried to explain to him that

-"cont" was a term of endearment.

-"Oh, my God,

-that's the ugliest word."

-"Where I live, yeah,

-it's a term of endearment."

-Those are nice for you now.

-Those are nice for you now.

-

-Lovely, cont.

-.

-Subtitles

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

-Welcome back.

-You wouldn't expect to see Axl Rose

-and Adam Ant in Magic Clippers...

-..Caernarfon.

-I've got a headache!

-Are you Axl Rose?

-Are you Axl Rose?

-

-I'm meant to be.

-You've seen me dancing.

-I've seen you dancing the slug.

-How many people can pull that off?

-Who can do the slug like me?

-We're going to watch Steps.

-It's their 20 years reunion concert.

-# Tragedy!

-Oh!

-# Tragedy! #

-Col's going to watch them.

-Col's going to watch them.

-

-I can see tragedy in this mirror!

-I like country and western and...

-John ac Alun?

-No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no.

-Bloody hell, no.

-What about the Spice Girls

-getting back together?

-I've been waiting for this moment

-since the '90s. I have.

-If they go on tour,

-I'll be first in the queue.

-I liked Ginger Spice.

-I had a limited edition

-Spice Girl doll. It was this big.

-She was fabulous.

-They filmed Spice Girls The Movie.

-Brilliant, with aliens.

-I loved it. I'm so excited

-just thinking about it.

-I'll have to go.

-In the next 80 years,

-we will have no fish.

-No fish at all.

-We'll only have plastic in our seas.

-When you eat fish in a restaurant,

-you're probably eating plastic.

-The fish have eaten plastic

-in the sea.

-You don't realise

-how much is in the sea.

-Who throws plastic into the sea?

-A lot of people, obviously.

-People on cruises.

-Throwing things over the side.

-I've never thrown anything

-into the sea.

-Thrown things

-through the car window, maybe.

-A long time ago. When I was young.

-You've said it now.

-Don't pack pedal.

-We've been breeding

-a special turkey this year.

-It has ten legs

-so everyone can have one.

-Do you know what the problem is?

-We can't catch it!

-Some people make turkey cawl

-and turkey curry.

-Urgh, no!

-That's the absolutely best cawl.

-Vile, no.

-Sprouts are great.

-Do you like them?

-I can't stand them.

-There's no point anyone going

-to the toilet for an hour...

-..if I've had sprouts.

-There are foods

-that make you think of Christmas.

-There are certain things.

-Every Christmas for me,

-Walnut Whips.

-That's your thing.

-Get your Walnut Whip out.

-Christmas parties are everywhere.

-Christmas parties are always

-an interesting time of year.

-You see a lot of things.

-A lot of people who go out

-are once-a-year drinkers.

-They don't know how to drink.

-Christmas comes and they

-think they can drink everything.

-It doesn't go to plan.

-No.

-You've seen them in Wind Street.

-Oh... blinkin'...

-They'll be blinkin'...

-You're not like that.

-What the craziest thing

-that's happened to you in work?

-You work in a bar.

-It's a case now of not what I have

-seen but what haven't I seen.

-I've seen...

-..we've actually had a shit

-thrown at us.

-An actual shit...

-..thrown at us behind the bar.

-We've found people in a toilet

-cubicle together doing things...

-They shouldn't be doing.

-Things they shouldn't be doing

-in a toilet cubicle.

-Do you like a kebab

-on Saturday night on the way home?

-Too right. Especially if

-I'm absolutely plastered.

-Have you seen that with the EU?

-Do you know the chemical

-they put into doner kebabs?

-They're getting rid of it.

-What isn't in a doner kebab?

-Have you seen a doner kebab

-the following morning?

-Yes. Disgusting.

-It's nice at the time but

-when you wake up in the morning...

-..and you can taste the fat

-in your mouth.

-Do you eat kebabs?

-Special burger.

-They might stop making doner kebabs.

-They might stop making doner kebabs.

-

-Not on my watch.

-Not on my watch.

-You know that elephant's hoof?

-That massive thing

-that hangs from the roof?

-It doesn't hang from the roof.

-Kebabs don't do anything for me.

-You won't miss them.

-Having said that, it will be a loss

-when you leave a pub...

-..and you want pizza

-because they're open till late.

-You won't get cheesy chips

-with garlic mayo.

-I'm hungry now.

-I'm hungry now.

-

-Me too. Let's go and get one.

-Pizza's my favourite.

-Pizza's my favourite.

-

-From the kebab place.

-No, from the pizza place.

-You get up the next day

-with a massive headache.

-The missus is cooking bacon.

-You smell the waft

-while your head's on the pillow.

-This waft comes through.

-Bacon! You come alive.

-What's the worst thing

-you've put in your mouth, or eaten?

-Michael Portillo.

-I've eaten a tadpole.

-I've eaten a tadpole.

-

-A tadpole.

-I ate a frog in Aberporth.

-A frog in Aberporth?

-A frog in Aberporth?

-

-Yes. It was on the menu.

-I ate escargot...

-What's one of those?

-What's one of those?

-

-A snail.

-Have you eaten one?

-It was like eating a heavy cold.

-It was... It was vile.

-When we were young and we'd

-go on trips, we'd play dares.

-We'd eat dogfood.

-I loved it.

-I like a sailor.

-Oh, yes, that white suit.

-I like a sailor. Nain, Nanni Noggi

-says I have a mouth like a sailor.

-Do you know what they say?

-You are what you eat.

-Isn't that right, Jo? I was telling

-them there that I like seamen!

-You like seamen?

-I do, yeah.

-You know, a nice sailor.

-# All the nice girls love a sailor #

-Have you heard the scandal

-about Anne Robinson on Tinder?

-Oh, my God.

-She has more of a sex life

-than most people.

-Anne Robinson said, "Sex is better

-at 73," and she's on Tinder.

-And she's a redhead.

-You two could be best friends.

-I'm on Match.com and Zoosk.

-You are?

-You are?

-

-Yes.

-I don't like Tinder

-because it's free.

-I think if men pay,

-they're more serious.

-Fair enough.

-You pay for Zoosk and Match.com

-Anne Robinson

-is a cheaper version of you.

-It's free, it's free.

-Cheaper quality men.

-Cheaper quality men!

-Imagine Anne Robinson.

-Swipe, swipe, yes.

-Fuckin' hell, yuck!

-It's disgusting, she's 74.

-She's passed her sell-by-date.

-When you're 73,

-you're not going to be having sex?

-I might break a hip.

-I don't know what positions

-Aled puts you in, but Jesus Christ!

-73 Ceri, 73.

-Your grandparents

-are probably still having sex.

-It's true.

-That's life.

-It makes no difference

-if you're 23 or 73.

-They're still at it,

-like rabbits probably.

-My man and me have broken up.

-Finally.

-After three years.

-He wasn't good enough for you,

-anyway.

-He was too thin.

-But he had a big one.

-Bloody hell.

-I like a large, hairy pussy.

-You can't say a thing.

-That was totally innocent

-but Joyce...!

-Be careful where you buy your tuna.

-You know Fukushima in Japan?

-Fukushima.

-Have you seen the octopuses?

-Do you have any in Aberporth?

-How odd.

-And they were moving around.

-Then they died.

-Testicles everywhere on the beach.

-What?

-What?

-

-Ooh!

-Testicles?

-Tentacles I meant!

-It shows what's on your mind.

-You started it with the pussy flap.

-Do you like trick or treaters

-calling at your house?

-They'll come tonight.

-Do you have sweets for them?

-Do you have a pumpkin in the window?

-I haven't bought a compkin yet.

-Compkin!

-She's had too much Prosecco.

-Look! Joyce is pissed as a fart.

-After three. Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year.

-OK. Right into there.

-That one.

-Go. Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year.

-Merry Christmas...

-To everyone.

-To everyone.

-

-And you.

-And you. And me.

-Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year...

-..from Kirsty and me.

-Merry Christmas

-and a happy new year.

-Ho, ho, ho.

-Brill, boys.

-We'd make a great choir.

-Yes, well,

-after all this festive fun...

-..the only thing left to say

-is happy new year.

-Don't burn my hair!

-Remember,

-you can trust your hair stylist...

-..since everything that's said

-in the salon stays in the salon!

-Goodnight.

-It's all bullshit.

-For Maggi to be serious

-for a minute...

-..some people in this world

-can't deal with the fact...

-..that everything that happens

-these days is totally bloody random.

-Some people can't cope without

-having someone driving the bus.

-Well, newsflash.

-No-one's driving the fuckin' bus.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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