James Rhodes - Concert Pianist and Author HARDtalk


James Rhodes - Concert Pianist and Author

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how it will make sure such

abuses never happen again.

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It's time now for HARDtalk.

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To the talk. Yesterday is living his

dream, he is an internationally

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acclaimed concert pianist and

successful recording artist but read

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his account of his life and it

resembles a nightmare, when he is

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away from the piano, James Rhodes is

still haunted by the violent sexual

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abuse he suffered three years on the

age of six. He has written about how

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it drove him to drink, take drugs,

self harm, and spend time in a

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psychiatric hospital. And how he was

saved by music, only rediscovering

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in his 30s that he could really play

the piano. But in this latest book,

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he recounts what his successful life

really feels like, and it is almost

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unbearable and distressing to hear.

How could he lived with the pain of

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the past?

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-- how can he.

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James Rhodes, welcomed the HARDtalk.

It is nice to be here, thank you.

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Quite a dramatic introduction, I

have to say.

Quite a dramatic look.

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Yeah, possibly.

And you intended it

to be.

No, I never intended to be.

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The whole drama thing, I've had

quite enough of. Sometimes it can be

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quite sensational as the talk about

certain topics and to me, what I

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really want to do was just tell the

truth and be transparent. And so, so

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much of our lives today seem to

entail kind of perfectly curated

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Instagram selfie 's and pretending

everything is a certain way and that

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we somehow have all the rules and we

know how to live perfectly well, and

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actually, I think the reality,

certainly for me and I think for a

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lot of us, is very different, that

actually life is quite challenging

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and it can be quite messy, and it is

OK to kind of admit is the wrong

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word, but it is OK to say that, talk

about it, be open about it.

And you

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have been very open about it in your

book but the descriptions seemed

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that almost any time that you are

away from the piano, on your own,

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you almost in a state of constant

torment. Is that unfair?

Do you

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know, it is probably not unfair. I

think when you put it like that,

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God, I feel more depressed now than

when I came in. I... No, actually, I

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think it is unfair, I would not say

almost any time. There are more

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moments that I feel quite

comfortable with my place in the

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world, but there are a surprising

number, large number of moments

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where I do feel very tormented, but

I think the thing is, I don't think

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I am alone in that. I really think

that many of us wake up a lot of

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mornings with that idea of God, I

have had too much to drink last

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night -- think last night and I just

had those voices and all that

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dialogue going on, today going be

awful. You look at yourself in the

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mirror and you just think oh God, I

am a disaster. I feel destroyed, I

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do not think that is on common.

But

it is quite extreme review.

It is

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extreme with me only because of

where it could be potentially, only

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because of...

Because of where you

have been in the past?

Exactly,

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because they have history being in

various locked psychiatric wards and

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suicide attempts, and AM I suppose

understandably nervous about going

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back there, so when I have a bad day

and things seem to be spiralling out

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of control, IDP is that I am not too

long away from ending up back where

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I was a few years ago.

-- is that.

And we can hear from a concert last

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year, when you were playing Chopin,

and I suppose this is the day job.

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Yes.

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It is awful, watching that. It is

like hearing your own voice on an

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answering machine. No one watching

this will know what an answering

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machine is, will have voice mail

now, but do you remember when you

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were a kid annuity your own voice

and you would go a God?

What do you

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think?

Probably the same thing that

you think when you see yourself on

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TV or what journalists think when

they are reading articles they have

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written, it is just slightly

uncomfortable.

When you are actually

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paying its?

That is the best, time

just disappears and that is why I

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think it is important to find

something that you love, something

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that is ideally created. The big

problem that I have fallen for and I

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think we all have it is that we are

not designed to live the way we are

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living in 2018, we are just not

built for it. We looked outside of

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ourselves all the time to try and

fix what is happening on the inside,

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and without sounding too much like

Deepak Chopra, it is not working. I

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do not think it works to get

self-esteem from how many retreats

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we get on Twitter or how many

Facebook friends we like, or if we

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get the shiny new iPhone before

anyone else. That is not the point,

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the point is I to find something,

that awful word mindfulness, but the

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point is we go inside, rather than

outside. That is what music does to

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me, what art does to some people, or

painting. It is always music.

It is

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music that safety but the cause, the

reason you need savings because what

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happened to you when you were six?

Yes and no, personally yes, look

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around you, I think the kind of all

need saving, we have all experienced

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former, I think there is no question

about that. Whether it is parents

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divorced, disease, people dying, you

cannot quantify trauma, that is the

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point, it is part of the human

condition.

Year, it was extreme. It

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was the age of six when you are very

violently raped.

Yes, for a long

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time, for many years, to the point

where it ended up with spinal

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surgery is to try and repair all the

damage, physically, the emotional

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stuff is still there. Obviously does

not take a rocket scientist to

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figure out if you take a

six-year-old and you do that that to

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him for four or five years, it is

going to result in some pretty city

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issues.

And it was a teacher who did

it to you?

Yeah, gym teacher at

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school and it was the 80s, which is

not an excuse, but nothing happened.

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Do you want to know something about

this country, England, the UK, where

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we are shooting this, even though it

is what all around the world? People

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in other countries hearing this will

not quite believe this but I promise

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you it is true. Still in 2018, in

any clerical setting such as a

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school, a teacher could walk into a

classroom and see another teacher

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raping a six-year-old girl or boy

and they could shut the door and

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walk away, and they don't need to

say anything, and they won't have

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broken any laws. That is the point,

we do not have mandatory reporting.

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For the UK, they do have a duty to

report.

No, they do not will stop

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that is the point. We are one of the

only countries in the world that

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does not have mandatory reporting

and if they do report to the School

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or the police, they have no

protection like whistleblower status

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or anything like that.

You bring

that up because comedy teaches at

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that school no?

That is a hard

question to answer, yes is the short

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answer to that. I was found by

teacher with light on my face in

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coming down my legs and hysterical,

and... I mean, as you would be. And

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I changed overnight and that was

witnessed also by teachers and one

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of the teachers in her police

evidence statement, she said there

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is no issue, I have permission to

talk about that because she told me

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I can, but she went to the head

teacher and said something is

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happening here and it is not right,

and the head teacher said, as they

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did in the 80s, he needs to toughen

up and nothing was done, nothing was

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done.

And we should explain that she

only came forward after you have

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done an interview about it.

Exactly.

You have done your research. I

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didn't interview where I mentioned

it, it was a big interview in the

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Sunday Times, it was a couple of

sentences were I said this happened

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to me when I was at school, and she

got in touch with me and said I read

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this interview, I know who it was

and I have Misys -ish and. I was

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quite naive, I was quite innocent,

did not realise was in nature but I

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realise something was happening and

I thought it was physical, not

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sexual. Of course, it was both. She

went to the police, she gave a

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statement, they track the guy down.

He is the thing, sometimes, there is

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a lot of very angry people, I think,

in the world, sometimes that comes

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out on social media, it comes out

below the articles when people are

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writing comments. Very occasionally

people will say you only talk about

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this because you want to sell a few

albums, and I always tell them this

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story, I talked about this for the

first time in 2000, in this

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interview, and as a direct result of

that, the police found this guy and

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you know what he was doing at the

time that he was arrested? He was an

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old man, he was a part-time boxing

coach for boys under ten. When

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people accuse me about this to get

sympathy or sell albums, if I had

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not spoken, this guy would still be

doing it. It could be teaching your

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son, your grandson, God forbid, your

nephew. Would you rather that were

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happening?

He actually, there was a

police investigation.

Yes, he was

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charged, the CPF board charges.

There was a trial date set and he

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died before it got the trial,

Justice turn slowly.

Had he feel

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about the fact, though, that he knew

eventually what he done to you, the

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damage?

Nothing, is nothing.

No

feeling?

No, God sound so

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melodramatic, but that part is dead.

I mean there is no feeling now.

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We're talking about your teachers

and things but what about your

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family because you say you changed

overnight?

Again, I can only really

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talk about myself. It is like in the

book, in MMI wrote, instrumental,

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where I talk about it, talk about me

because it is my story, not my

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family's story. All I will say is

again, it was the 80s, it was a

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different time, people were very

naive then. I think now of any of

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those signs going on in a kid, we

would be all over it. It does not

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mean that it has stopped, as we

know, it is still an epidemic all

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around the world, but people are

aware of it more now. We need to

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talk more about it.

There was

something else, you mentioned it

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took quite a few years to come out.

This was almost worse than what

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happened when I was a kid, if you

can believe that the yeah, you are

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right. I had to get the Supreme

Court to give me permission to

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publish it. It took me legal fees

because they tried to ban the book,

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not only banned the book that they

were at the gagging order that would

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stop me from speaking or writing in

any medium anywhere in the world

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about any aspect of my past.

And we

should explain it was then ex-wife

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was concerned about your son...

Well, ostensibly yes. Her belief was

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that I was doing this intentionally

to inflict psychological harm on my

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own child by talking about my own

past, which defies belief, but...

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Well, eventually, the Supreme Court

ruled...

They intervened and they

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change the law to stop this

happening again because the

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President was so terrifying.

But he

talked when they book came out about

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how people are in denial, whether it

is your family, the teachers...

I

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think two people in my family have

read the book, one of them has

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barely mentioned it and the other

one has kind of mentioned it is my

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mum. It is like it does not exist,

the culture of silence, which is

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what allows abuse of any kind to

thrive, it is like we do not talk

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about this stuff, how could you

write a book? And the shame, the

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secrecy, sexual abuse is predicated

on shame, it is predicated on the

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fact that shame will stop you from

talking. And that is why I promised

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myself that if I ever had a mark of

one, even a small one, I would talk

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about. It is not the only thing I

talk about, I will talk until I'm

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blue in the face about Bach,

Showtime and really lovely things.

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It is a love letter to my son.

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-- Chopin.

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But they also about this terrible

thing, that is really one of the

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scourges of our society.

But there

were, of course, many years when you

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did not talk because he moved on

from the abuse... Tried to. And then

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it was in your late teens that you

start a drink, everything.

And self

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harming and everything else. And the

truth is, it can't outrun, sadly you

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can't outrun these things. It is

another reason I talk is because my

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own experience and that of thousands

of people who have got in touch with

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me since the book came out, is that

it is talk or die, I mean I know

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that sounds very melodramatic but

you have to talk, not necessarily to

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your family, not necessarily to your

friends, maybe to a good therapist

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or doctor or the Samaritans, who are

amazing, or their organisations you

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can call, but you have to talk about

this stuff. Otherwise, it is like a

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cancer inside you.

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You said your mother had spoken to

you, what did she say? She is very

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supportive and loving and kind.

She

is a wonderful woman. The thing is,

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when you have a child, all

paedophiles say the same thing. They

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say, you cannot talk about this. If

you cannot talk about this, you

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cannot imagine the horror of things

that will rain down on you. You will

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go to prison I will go to prison,

you will be killed, your family.

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Whatever it is used. And when you're

five or six or seven, your brain is

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not fully wired, it is still

plastic. It changes the way you

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think and act. Every time you around

that person, you have to act

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normally, you say yes, server or hi,

dad and shake their hands. You

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become complicit in the crime they

have carried out. It's like you have

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robbed the bank together and you are

protecting him and every time it

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happens, that bond, it sounds crazy

but that bond gets stronger so it's

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no wonder that we have people

speaking out now 20 years, 30 years,

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40 years later which is why things

like the statute of limitations on

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sexual abuse crimes are so

ridiculous. It can take 30 years

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before you have the courage and

strength to speak out.

There are

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many remarkable things about your

life... We all have stories. But in

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your particular life, you got your

life back on track effectively. You

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had a successful job at a financial

publication.

I worked in the city,

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the only thing I am embarrassed

about, Finance.

You got married and

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had a son.

You stopped the piano. I

didn't play from 18 until 28. And

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only started properly at 14. I did

everything in reverse. It was like

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Amy Whitehouse in reverse. I did all

the drugs and stopped and when I hit

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28, I thought life is too short, I

quit my job, said I'm going to be a

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concert pianist. Everyone looked at

me like I was crazy. And they are

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not laughing now because I did it.

To me, that's a wonderful thing. I

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have lost count of the number of

people who said to me, I know I

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could write a book or I will always

wanted to be an actor. We get

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trapped in these jobs that we don't

like, marriage is that kind of

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convenient but a little bit shabby

because we have a mortgage together

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or we have to pay the Bills and I

think, you know what? You get one

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shot. I walked away from all of that

and I'm doing whatever since I was a

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little kid I wanted to do which was

planned concert halls around the

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world.

You talk about what it means

to you, music safety. Around that

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same time, you were having a son

growing up who then hit the same

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age.

They don't tell you this. I

wish they had. I'm not sure how I

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would have prepared for it but I

realise afterwards that it is very

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common if you were raped or abused

as a child and you also have a

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child, when that child turns the age

you were when the abuse started,

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it's very likely that your entire

world will implode. That's what

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happened to me. On a biological

level, I could not do the maths. I

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couldn't see this perfect miracle

child who was four, five years old,

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this absolute God-given miracle, and

see that I was that size when this

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was done to me and not only that,

the terror of what have I done? I

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bought this kid into a world where

these awful things happen. What was

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the effect on you? Everything fell

apart. Everything fell apart. I was

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aggressively self harming, I was

suicidal, I ended up spending nine

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months in various secure wards. I

hasten to add, not because of him.

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He is still perfect and the greatest

thing in my life and as any father

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would attest, it is the most

overwhelming feeling of love and it

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only ever gets bigger. They don't

tell you. Just when you think it

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can't get any bigger, it does, it's

amazing the capacity to love your

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child. It's everything. But at that

time, it bought up a lot of

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unresolved things. I tried to run

away from it because I hadn't dealt

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with it. I don't know how I could

have dealt with it. It's like when a

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train stops but the carriages behind

it haven't stopped and they crash

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into the back of it, that's what

happened with me and it took a long

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time to deal with that.

It took a

lot to recover from it but in a way,

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that is one of the messages in your

book, it is that you don't ever

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really recover.

It is what it is.

It's a daily reprieve. That's why I

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am so deeply suspicious of self-help

books, the idea you can find

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happiness in six weeks if you do

these simple things or find peace of

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mind in one year if you follow these

little guides. The pursuit of

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happiness, it's in the Constitution

in America. We shouldn't be pursuing

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happiness, I don't think. I think

happiness is fleeting. It's lovely

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when it comes but we are not

designed to be happy. Even most of

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the time, I would say. Just because

we are not happy does not mean we

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are unhappy. There is a giant scale

in between. It can go further down

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into depression and anxiety but the

message in the book, if there is

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one, it is that life is kind of

messy and imperfect and all the

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steel a loan in a crowd sometimes.

All of us feel slightly like we

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don't belong. Sometimes, just

getting out of bed, getting the kids

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ready for school, getting on the

subway to go to work, getting home,

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putting the kids did bed, eating

something and going to sleep is an

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heroic act. No one says well done,

you made it through the day like an

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adult! A lot of us, it's an

extraordinary thing to achieve when

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your head is saying, throw yourself

under the tube, life is meaningless,

0:21:000:21:05

no one will care, life is too much.

Just to survive and Intuit is

0:21:050:21:10

heroic.

For you, we come back to the

music. Yes, please. You had come out

0:21:100:21:17

of hospital and you are putting your

life back together again. It is this

0:21:170:21:21

combination of writing, talking and

playing that saw your career saw.

0:21:210:21:29

Yeah, I had no career before. I got

out of hospital and that my manager

0:21:290:21:33

purely by chance at a coffeeshop and

in 2009, I released my first album

0:21:330:21:38

which is crazy because concert

pianists, you start at two or three

0:21:380:21:42

years old, six hours of practice a

day and I was in my mid- 30s, I'm

0:21:420:21:47

not that old, and I did it all the

wrong way around. But music, is the

0:21:470:21:54

one consistent thing. I'd been on 35

different medication, I'd seen the

0:21:540:22:01

same number of psychiatrists and

psychologists, I tried so many

0:22:010:22:04

different things. The only different

thing -- the only consistent thing

0:22:040:22:09

that has worked his music.

Do you

know how it works?

That is the magic

0:22:090:22:15

thing. What I do know is that when I

was seven and the world was like a

0:22:150:22:19

warzone, I found an old cassette

tape with a piece of music by Bach

0:22:190:22:26

and in that moment, everything

changed. Thank goodness it was in

0:22:260:22:30

the Bible. Everything would be

different but to me, it was Bach in

0:22:300:22:34

a bidding was changed.

You are

sitting here with Bach emblazoned on

0:22:340:22:38

your T-shirt.

Let's see you playing.

Sure, why not.

Is there an answer to

0:22:380:23:16

the question why Bach? It's like why

oxygen, why water? Everyone wanted

0:23:160:23:21

to see that piece. Everyone watching

this programme, everyone watching,

0:23:210:23:26

if you have to hands, you would be

able to play that piece by Bach in

0:23:260:23:31

six weeks. You are looking at me

like that.

In a stroke of marketing

0:23:310:23:36

genius, recalled the book How to

Play the Piano. It shows you how to

0:23:360:23:44

do it. You don't need a proper

piano. That can cost £150,000. You

0:23:440:23:49

get a £30 keyboard. You spent 40

minutes a day, Sundays off, six

0:23:490:23:54

weeks later, you are playing Bach.

Imagine in an age where everything

0:23:540:24:00

has an app if we can't do it within

three minutes, to find 40 minutes a

0:24:000:24:04

day, it is amazing.

James Rhodes, on

that note, thank you very much for

0:24:040:24:09

coming on HARDtalk Thank you.

0:24:090:24:33

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