01/03/2018 This Week

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and

girls, and anyone still up at this

ungodly hour, we are not live and

it's cheap as chips. With a

washed-up cast of political has-been

is.

Do you know what we are doing?

Have you been trained in this?

And a

line-up no one has heard of.

I am

sorry, but who are you?

And an

audience who should know better.

Are

we queueing for Graham Norton?

There

is only one reason to watch.

More

blusher.

But where is Molly the dog?

Molly is the story of a dog,

a presenter and a TV programme.

It isn't a pretentious

picture or an epic.

It is too real, to human for high

sounding adjectives.

It is too real, too human for high

sounding adjectives.

This Week was poor, so poor

it had to sell Molly.

She was shipped hundreds of miles

away to the French Riviera.

Yes, she lived a dog 's life.

She enjoyed the sunshine,

french fries and champagne.

But Molly never forgot

the presenter, her home,

her people, for a sniff of fame.

Finally, one day she ran away.

She was going home.

Nothing could stop her.

Not President Macron.

Nor Brexit.

Molly's story is a magnificent one.

You will love every bit of it.

Molly, come home.

Please welcome your host, Andrew

Neil.

Evenin' all.

Welcome to This Week,

a week when the Beast from the East

blew unwelcomed into our country,

causing widespread disruption,

confusion and chaos across the land.

But enough about Boris Johnson.

The weather has been

pretty grim too.

Speaking of the Foreign Secretary,

his former Brexit best friend,

Environment Secretary Michael Gove,

was back at his back-stabbing,

duplicitous best this week.

He announced he planned to ban

plastic straws, thereby leaving

Prime Minister Maybot

with absolutely nothing

to clutch at whatsoever.

We know a leadership bid

when we see one, Govey.

Over in the colonies,

President Trump, attacking armed

police for failing to tackle

the Florida school shooter,

said he would have taken him

on with his bare hands.

Those of you who've seen the size

of his hands will realise

the shooter is unlikely

to have been deterred.

But nothing deters The Donald.

He's announced he'll run again

in 2020, after a Mr V Putin c/o

the Kremlin signed his nomination

papers and said he'd agreed

to be his campaign manager...again.

Back in shivering Blighty,

Dear Jezza's Labour Party showed

just how all-inclusive and diverse

it is when Deputy Leader Tom Watson

refused to hand back

the half-million quid in donations

handed to him by a former fascist

by the name of Mosley.

And Shadow Equalities Secretary Dawn

Butler appointed an advisor who says

all white people are racist and that

even white people who're homeless

are still privileged.

Yes, with that sort of advice,

I think we're all going

to get along just fine.

But the real news of the week

is that, despite every impediment

a fierce and unforgiving mother

nature could put in your way,

you have all made it tonight

to the beautiful Rivoli Ballroom

here in south London.

What in Paris would be

called the Rive Gauche.

Or in our case just gauche.

What Donald Trump, when he learned

the US embassy had moved south

of the river, called No Man's Land.

Well, there are plenty of men

and women here tonight.

We're delighted.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

Fantastic!

In recognition of this historic

occasion, our 15th anniversary,

we've put together a trio of talent

unrivalled in the annals

of late-night TV.

You'll soon see that they really

do have no rivals.

Please welcome, fresh

from their sell-out performance

at the Golders Green Branch

of Hezbollah, Michael #choochoo

Portillo, Liz #fourpercent Kendall

and Miranda #she'slovely Green.

And by special permission

of the Cannes Film Festival,

all the way from the Cote D'Azur,

the star of our show, Molly the Dog.

Come on, Molly. Molly, Molly. Molly,

Molly, Molly.

Molly, Molly. Sit, Molly. What a

star! I hate being upstaged.

And if all of that wasn't

enough, we have a band!

The incredible Swing ZaZou.

Take it away.

# She's got work and money

# She's got the job and money

# She's got fears and money

# Because she's one of the many

# She's got coffee and credit

# She's got debt to pay

# But she's got money in your pocket

at the end of the day

# She's got money, cabbage, cash

# She's got scratch, rhino, Jack,

Kayal

# She's got spinach, sugar, blues

and twos.

# She's got berries, Kush, gravy,

gold

We will hear more from them as the

programme goes on. Your moment of

the week.

The intervention of Sir

John Major during the course of this

week. My old mate, who called on the

government to give a free vote to

members of Parliament on Brexit. You

may remember that when the boot was

on the other foot and that we were

busy integrating ourselves with

Europe, there were no free votes

whatsoever. Indeed, there was

persecution and ostracisation and

banning and suspension from the

party. I thought it was marvellous

to see Sir Bill Cash this week on

Newsnight saving with great

magnanimity, recalling that Sir John

had put him through all of this, but

not in any way being bitter. He is a

great parliamentarian, Sir Bill

Cash.

Weren't you one of Mr Major's

bustards?

There was some dispute

about that.

Not in my mind!

He

talked about three. There were four

candidates, Redwood, Lily, Portillo

and Howard. So it's not entirely

clear which of these four was left

out.

Well, I'm pretty sure it wasn't

you, but anyway!

I hope it wasn't I

that was left out, because it is a

badge of honour.

Liz, your moment of

the week?

The terrible explosion in

Leicester, my constituency.

Terrible

event.

Unimaginable horror. The

people killed, more injured, people

evacuated from their homes. We

always praise the emergency

services, but I cannot believe what

they have seen and been through. And

also, the local community, who came

out, helped one another, helped the

emergency services, sometimes

despite what you think, most people

want to do good and pull together

and support one another. And I am

very proud of my constituents this

week.

Annual constituency will be

very proud of you and how you have

handled it. Miranda, your moment?

Well, I think it has to be Boris.

Boris who?

Boris Johnson, our

fabulous Foreign Secretary, of whom

we are all so proud, particularly

Michael, who suggested that solving

the knotty problem of the Northern

Ireland border as we leave the EU

would be as simple as using your

smart card to travel from the London

Borough of Camden to the London

Borough of Islington, thereby

raising quite a few eyebrows.

Obviously with Boris, we are not

surprised when he says something

like this, but it was possibly a new

low.

I may have missed it, but have

3000 people being killed fighting

over the Islington- can do in

border?

I have also missed that,

Andrew.

Three moments of the week.

Now, here on This Week we pretty

much say what we like.

Not that anybody takes much notice.

Which, given the level of drivel

that's spewed forth every week,

is probably just as well.

But these days some folks

are frightened to say anything.

They worry that they'll

use the wrong words,

offend people they

didn't mean to offend.

Set off a Twitter mob,

or worse, against them.

In a world where so-called safe

spaces are spreading,

virtue-signalling is rife

and there's an epidemic of #metoos,

when even Jerry Seinfeld has

stopped doing his stand up

routine at universities

because the students are too

politically correct,

are we now in the grip

of a new Puritanism?

In these difficult times we turned

for guidance to someone

who is the epitome of balance,

moderation, consideration,

courtesy, civility and charm.

Yes, it's historian David Starkey

with his take of the week.

The British political system

of monarch, Lords and Commons is now

almost 800 years old.

It has survived because behind

the fixed facade of Parliament,

it's proved astonishingly adaptable

to changing social realities.

In continental Europe,

the ancien regime had to be

pulled down by revolution.

In Britain, change came

by evolution, as first

the bourgeoisie, then the working

class, and finally women

secured a vote for and

representation in Parliament.

Our parliamentary institution

even survived the rise

of the Labour Party,

as the monarchy under George V

and the Tory party under

Stanley Baldwin went out

of their way to welcome Labour

ministers and trade unionists alike

into the corridors of power,

and Buckingham Palace itself.

This is the world

portrayed brilliantly

in the film Darkest Hour.

But everything in that world,

the patriotism, the shared values,

the importance of rhetoric,

is now as dead and buried

as Winston Churchill himself.

For, in the last 20 years,

we've had a revolution by stealth.

Not in our streets but in our

values, as a generation brought up

with no roots and no religion has

lurched with quasi-religious fervour

into a puritanical groupthink,

where debate is stifled

and difference of opinion

cannot be tolerated.

Everywhere, it's back

to the Middle Ages.

In the universities,

no platforming is a heresy

trial without a stake.

In law, the uncovering of historic

sex abuse has turned from due

process into a witch craze.

Accusation proves guilt,

every victim must be believed.

This is Salem.

In politics, too, there

is a new pseudo-religious intensity.

Pro-Trump and anti-Trump,

Remainer and Brexiteer confront each

other in a sort of holy war.

While in the Labour Party,

Jeremy Corbyn, JC, plays

the Messiah, and Momentum presents

itself as a cross between

the Jesuits and the Knights Templar.

This does not bode well.

The last time that religion

so dominated politics

was in the Puritan revolution

which led to civil war,

the abolition of Parliament

and military dictatorship.

Welcome to the millennials'

millennium.

Our thanks to Westland

London in Shoreditch,

APPLAUSE

Welcome David Starkey back to the

programme. Are we in the group of a

puritancle group think which doesn't

tolerate difference or is that just

the Shadow Cabinet?

I think there is

now a kind of moral or religious

fever about a lot of the different

positions, particularly around

Brexit. In the end, I don't think

that you win arguments by just

shouting louder and louder. You have

to try to understand. You are never

going to - I'm never going to

convince Nigel Farage that Brexit is

wrong. But the reason that you

engage in debates is to try and

persuade the undecides to understand

where people are coming from rather

than just shouting people down or no

platforming them.

Michael?

I thought

David was probably exaggerating. The

divisions over Brexit can be

compared with the divisions over

appeasement and the divisions over

the reform of the House of Lords

just before the First World War or

indeed the divisions over Ireland

just before the First World War. I

think we've been here again and

again. I think there are dangers. He

takes an interesting idea that blows

it up. Of the things he mentioned

what bothered me the most is the

idea that if you accuse someone,

their name can be plastered over the

newspapers. They can be arrested.

They can be put on bail for a very

long period of time. It takes very

long time toll resolve the case. It

is as though that person had been

found guilty because in the year or

two that that takes, their name has

been all over the press and the

media.

The first bit of the new

puritanism. We come to sex abuse

allegations later. Michael said you

are exaggerating. We have had this

discourse before?

He is right in one

sense. In all the instances he

mentioned. What I think is new now

is the depth of this phenomenon. In

other words, appeasement, the Irish

question and so on. They weren't

underpinned by new structures. We've

now got new structures in the

internet. Which prioritise extremes.

The fact that you've got opinion

expressed anonymously. This is the

most dangerous of things. The whole

internet seems to me to be founded

on a complete misapprehension of

human behaviour. It's founded on the

notion, human beings are good. Where

if we were allowed to behave badly

and get away with it, you and I know

we do. We do.

Hold on!

It's true.

Come on!

There are people watching.

I hope one or two. I hope one or

two. I don't know.

There won't be

unless you get to the point.

I have

got to the point. Where Michael -

Anonymity.

Where Michael is wrong is

there are new structures

underpinning this. This seems to me

to be profoundly important. I think

it's under cutting politics as we

know it. This programme is nice and

civilised people watch it. It's

absolutely nothing to do with the

fundamentals of what are going on

onside. Liz has made the point, when

she said, "we want reasoned debate."

There is no reasoned debate.

Reasoned debate has died in public.

Let me bring Miranda. What did you

make of what Michael had to say

about the sex abuse and the sex

harassment claims that is in a way

what Michael was saying has gone too

far?

I think it's always difficult

to know which is the movement and

which is the backlash. You get a

backlash against the backlash. We

are having a huge cultural

discussion taking sides, some people

changing their minds. I don't know

where we will end up. I think it

will be a different place from

before the Weinstein scandal.

Probably a better place.

That is to

be applauded.

No, revolutions on the

whole lead to worse. The history -

Not a revolution.

Oh, it is. You are

wrong. It's a moral revolution.

No.

Where I would agree with you, David,

I do think that there is a sort of

obligation on people at the moment

to kind of express moral certainty.

That is exactly right.

About an

issue Raith rather than debate it.

That is damaging to the quality -

Discourse.

There has been a moral

revolution. I'm gay is now

practically compulsory. 40 years

ago, seriously, let's look -

Is that

the secret about me you are trying

to tell the audience?

to tell the audience?

The I wonder!

You blush.

This civilised discussion

is going well.

Molly the dog as

well.

You keep Molly out of it.

There has been a complete revolution

of values between the sexes. I mean,

look again at the whole business of

transgendering. Am the unmentionable

has become enforceable. There has

been genuine inversions of moral -

in our lifetimes, your lifetime and

mine, because we are ancient, moral

values use have inverted?

I think

it's true moral values have been

inverted. I don't think the process

has come to an end.

What is a moral

value that has been inverted?

Our

view of homosexuality has changed

completely.

Isn't that a plus?

I

think it is a plus, but I would also

say that I think it leads us to...

It should lead us to believe that no

moral position is absolute or even

to be relied upon for any period of

time. Moral positions are changing

now a days like fashions. Constantly

changing.

changing. Max Moseley apparently was

the agent for a leaflet published in

1961. In 1961, the racism that was

addressed in the leaflet was not

illegal, but homosexuality was. That

is an example in how 50 years the

world has turned absolutely upside

down.

I am struggling to see the bad

news that racism is not acceptable

and the homosexuality is acceptable.

There has been a revolution.

It's

been a hugely welcome one. I would

really like to have grown up not

being groped when I was a waitress

and being told by the boss, "just

get back out there and serve them.

You are fussing about nothing". I

think it's good if we get to the

situation where that's not happening

any more.

Those things are good. I

think the suspension of due process

in law is not good and even

organisations like the BBC are

complicit in the suspension of due

process by having helicopters

hovering over Cliff Richard's house

when he is being raided and

arrested. There are things in this

which are very, very worrying and

the non-platforming of people in

universities is extremely worrying.

I agree with that.

I don't think

David meant to say that everything

in this revolution is bad.

I didn't.

I just said it was a revolution.

Revolution just means turning things

upside down.

Correct.

Things have

been turned upside down.

On the

attitudes towards sexual harassment

and worse, that may not be a

revolution, but it is a watershed in

attitudes. Perhaps, as in all of

these things, I mean to put it blunt

ily, for years men got away with

this.

Yes they did.

Now they don't.

Called to account. In that change

the pendulum in all these things it

sometimes goes too far the other

way. I've talked about the lack of

due process. At some stage it will

settle down somewhere and it will be

a Bert place.

I think that's true.

Part of what David is warning about,

if I understand him correctly, is

against a change that would resemble

something that that they have in

America, were you end up dividing

peopled and you end up with culture

wars.

We have.

I don't think we have

it quite yet. Like Michael, I think

it's slightly over stated case. I

think we can move on on this issue

and others and avoid America's

culture wars. If you are too certain

that things changing... The fact

that things are changing is bad you

are actually taking a position in a

culture war. You are sort of

starting one of your own.

Some

American identity wars have come

here. Is it really true, a lot of

students now, this will give you the

fine Allera word on, this they don't

want to be exposed to opinions that

trouble them or with which they

don't agree?

Yes. I think it is

absolutely true. We are also getting

a determination to rewrite the

historical past. We are getting a

shyness about any form of genuine

national identity. One of the things

that I worry about most is, without

a clear notion of a national

identity and a national story,

there's no possibilities of genuine

democratic political action.

Political action depends on the fact

we all recognise certain things in

common with each other. If we're to

be divided into tribes, if we are to

be divided into genders, if we are

to be divided into races I'm afraid

there is only one form of government

that can hold the balance and it is

in a throne like you who exercises

imperial authority. Which you do so

well!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Pleasure. Thank you.

Now it's late.

Saint Michael of Assisi late.

Yes, as we mentioned

earlier, our greener then

the Greens Environment Secretary,

the Sainted Govester,

wants to ban plastic straws

to reduce pollution in our oceans.

He's even opined that said

ban would prove easier

once we leave the EU,

provoking the Vice President

of the European Commission to snap

back that "EU legislation

"on single-use plastics

is coming before the summer.

"#eudoesn'tsuck, ya green numpty".

And we thought the Irish Border

might be the final

straw in the Brexit

negotiations, when it actually

turns out to be a straw.

Someone who's never been accused

of being a straw man

is the mighty Brian Blessed,

star of stage, screen and shouting,

who'll be putting "charm"

under the spotlight.

Bless.

And if you'd like to get

in touch via the Tweeter,

the Fleecebook, the Snapnumpty,

my blunt advice is don't bother.

You'd be better spending your lonely

nocturnal hours preparing for that

visit from your probation officer

in the morning because I can

assure you that parole

is by no means a done deal.

Take it away, Swing Zazou.

INSTRUMENTAL

# But he takes it slow

# He's got no need for them highs

and lows

# He's a happy cat

# Head held high

# Ain't no people going to catch his

eye

# Ain't no jitterbug going to get

him high

# Ain't no flat boot going to make

him spill

# Ain't no dropper going to make

that kill

# Me's a wide boy

# Would he do what he wouldn't say

# He's a wide boy

# Lapped it up and run away

# He's a wild, wild boy

# He's wide, wide boy

# He's a wide, wide boy

# He's a wide, wide boy... #

APPLAUSE

And there's more where that came

from.

The Siberian snowstorm currently

enveloping our islands has brought

with it a distinct chilling

of our politics.

The Tory rebels are more

revolting than ever,

Labour moderates are checking

into the gulag before they find

themselves hanging from the nearest

lamp post, and Barnier of Brussels

thinks if he huffs and puffs often

enough then he can blow us all down.

Which, when you look

at the fragility of the government,

might not be that far fetched.

So in these bitter and bitterly cold

times we turned to Andrew Rawnsley,

the Hack Who Went out into the Cold.

This is his roundup of the week.

It is very cold in Moscow, it is

even colder in Mrs May's Cabinet.

Ah, there you are.

Our friends over the river have

given me the most difficult mission

of my career in political

intelligence - to penetrate

the British Government and discover

the Prime Minister's greatest

secret.

What does she really hope

to achieve from Brexit?

This is from one of my moles

at the heart of the Cabinet.

The cunning plan is "ambitious

managed divergence."

It must be some kind

of fiendish code designed to be

impenetrable to Brussels,

and to the British public.

I'm not sure even the wizards

at GCHQ will be able

to make sense of this one.

Jeremy Corbyn, the rebel

who came in from the cold,

hopes to exploit Tory divisions

by switching Labour's position

on membership of a customs union.

Labour would seek to negotiate

a new, comprehensive UK-EU customs

union to ensure there are no tariffs

with Europe and to help avoid any

need whatsoever for a hard border

in Northern Ireland.

Does this mean that the Labour

leader, a career long

eurosceptic, has been turned?

Nyet comrade, he sees a juicy

opportunity to defeat

and damage the government.

Five Conservative former ministers

and two of the party's

Select Committee Chairs have already

declared that they'll defect

to the opposition lobby over

the issue of a customs union.

These Tory dissidents say they'll be

doing Mrs M a favour,

by helping her to stand up

to the Brexit ultras.

She'll then be able to turn around

to the 62 who are sort

of threatening to sort

of force her into

a leadership contest.

It would enable her to

explain the reality.

The simple reality is this,

that there isn't a parliamentary

majority for a hard Brexit.

Given a free vote, what would be

the majority for a customs

union, do you think?

Huge.

She's right to suggest that quite

a lot of ministers will be secretly

toasting the Tory rebels,

and quite possibly some

Whitehall mandarins too.

Sir Martin Donnelly, who used to be

head of the Department

of International Trade,

suggested that life outside

the single market and the customs

union will be all salt and vinegar.

You're giving up a three course

meal, which is the depth

and intensity of our trade

relationships across

the European Union and partners now,

for the promise of a packet

of crisps in the future

if we manage to do trade deals

outside the European Union,

which aren't going to compensate

for what we're giving up.

Staying within a customs union

would mean they'd be no

further point to Liam Fox,

no more long-haul globetrotting

to exotic locations in search

of independent trade deals

for our man in Business Class.

Funnily enough, he's

not keen on that idea.

It's unsurprising that those

who spent a lifetime working

within the European Union would see

moving away from the European Union

as being threatening.

As rule takers, without any say

in how the rules were made,

we would be in a worse position

than we are today.

It would be a complete sell-out

of Britain's national interests

and a betrayal of the voters

in the referendum.

Now, if you were looking for signs

that foreign powers had placed

sleeper agents at the heart

of our government, with a design

to disrupt the economy,

undermine our alliances and make

Britain look like a laughing stock

in the world, who might

fall under suspicion?

The issue of the Northern Ireland

border is being used quite a lot

politically to try to keep the UK

in the customs union,

effectively the single market,

so we can't really leave the EU.

That's what's going on.

Boris, a bit un-British

that name, not very red,

white and blue at all,

a bit Ruski.

We certainly have to ask which side

is this confusion agent playing for?

Mrs May's insistence that there'll

be no hard border in Ireland

was undercut by a leaked letter

from the alleged Foreign Secretary,

arguing the opposite.

Jeremy Corbyn used to be mostly

cloak and not much dagger at PMQs,

he's improved his trade craft lately

and attempted some

intelligence collection.

The Prime Minister emerged

from her Chequers away

day to promise a Brexit

of "ambitious managed divergence."

Can the Prime Minister enlighten

the rest of us as to which sectors

of the Government wants to remain

aligned and which

they plan to diverge?

He talks about people

not having a clue.

I'll tell him who hasn't got a clue

about business and jobs,

that's a Labour Party who wants

to borrow £500 billion

and bankrupt Britain.

When sorrows come for a leader,

they come not single

spies, but in battalions.

The former Conservative Prime

Minister John Major was reactivated

to issue a barrage of bleak

and blunt warnings and to call

for MPs to have a free vote

on the ultimate Brexit deal.

No one voted for higher prices

and poorer public services,

but that's what they may get.

The emerging evidence suggests

Brexit will hurt most

those who have least.

If Brexit is whipped

through parliament, at a time

when the public are so divided

about it, voters will know

who to blame if they end

up poorer and weaker.

So both democracy and prudence

suggest a free vote.

This operation is all a bit sideways

at the moment, isn't it?

Mrs May is scheduled

to give a definitive speech

on Brexit on Friday,

the latest in a long line

of supposedly definitive speeches.

Have the codebreakers on stand by.

APPLAUSE

Andrew Rawnsley joins us.

As we were coming on air, we learned

they are still arguing about the

contents of the parts of Mrs May A's

speech, so I'm glad that has been

resolved.

There is loads of time! It

is not like it has to be resolved by

October and yet the government is

still go shaking with itself.

Michael, do you think Mr Corbyn has

come out for a customs union because

he believes in it, or because it's a

clever way of putting the government

on the spot?

The latter. I don't

have a great insight into his views

but I assume he is pretty thoroughly

Euro-sceptic, about as Euro-sceptic

as I am, and I think he would value

the opportunity of making trade

deals outside the European Union,

which would not be consistent with

the customs union. But it does put

the government on the spot. The

arithmetic on bad vote looks very

tight. I suspect the government will

win the vote, because I think as MPs

reacted to the emerging arithmetic

there will be a couple of Labour

rebels who will come over and vote

with the government. But as we see

at the moment there is only a vote

or two in it.

What do you think? Is

it a principled position or a clever

tactical ploy?

He has probably

listened to trade unions, party

members, Labour supporters.

Obviously, it does put the

government under pressure, but I

think it is a hugely welcome change

in Labour's approach. It comes very

close to solving the Northern

Ireland issue and is obviously right

in terms of jobs and the economy and

money for public services. People

have been making a strong argument

that you cannot be anti-austerity if

you are going to come out of the

single market and Customs union,

your economy takes a hit and you

cannot invest in the NHS. I think it

is growing number of reasons but it

does put the government under

pressure.

Is at the right policy?

Would the EU agreed to a bespoke

customs union for the UK?

It seems

there are almost as many but not

quite as many problems with the

Labour position in terms of whether

it is realistic in terms of striking

a deal with Brussels, as there are

with the government position. Both

sides have been playing this game of

playing voters against each other

with a lot of constructive

ambiguity. Clearly this was a huge

move from Jeremy Corbyn and that

action inside the Labour Party,

frantic lobbying on both sides,

particularly from the pro-EU faction

in the Labour Party, has resulted in

this quite significant change. But

the question about whether he is

sincere, Andrew's spying metaphor,

has he been turned, of course not.

When it comes to the crunch, will it

make enough difference in terms of

the deal that Britain can get? I

have my doubts. Particularly because

he seems to believe the caveats more

than the offer. On the customs

union, he is desperate to talk

about, but we don't like European

rules state aid. That will not

change.

He comes out of a customs

union but once the freedom to do

state subsidies.

Very important to

him and John McDonnell.

Nothing

wrong with that but it is the sort

of thing the European Union does not

like. He talks about having a say in

EU free trade arrangements. That is

difficult, since even individual

countries do not have much of a say

within the EU. I come back to my

original question. Is it really a

clever tactical ploy, because he has

seen that the government is weak?

I

think we all agree that he has been

a career long Euro-sceptic, founded

in the old left-wing belief that the

EU is a capitalist club, compounded

by him and McDonnell thinking there

are things radical Labour government

would want which they might be

prevented from doing by Europe. So

they are thinking this is a juicy

opportunity to potentially defeat

and damage the government. I think

Liz makes a good point. Jeremy

Corbyn distrusts opinion polls and

distrusts most of his parliamentary

party, if we are honest. But he will

have noticed that the polls say by

big margins most Labour supporters

want to remain not only in the

customs union but also the single

market and so do most MPs. One thing

where there is a dislocation between

Mr Corbyn and his devotees among

Labour Party members, particularly

the young ones, the Glastonbury

crowd, they do not want to do Brexit

at all and would certainly want a

softer version of Brexit. He cannot

allow to big a chasm to open between

him and his members.

If the

government loses a vote on the

customs union, what would happen to

the government?

It would be a very

important defeat and the government

would probably go back to the House

of Commons the next day with a vote

of confidence, which it would win,

because the rebels, I assume, would

not want to bring down the

government. So as long as the

government does not make the vote a

vote of confidence, it will win a

vote of confidence the following

day.

Which they cannot anyway. When

your time with John Major, he had a

problem with the paving bill and the

Maastricht Treaty and had to turn it

into a confidence motion to get it

through. But the Fixed-term

Parliaments Act separates confidence

from bits of legislation. One thing

Mrs May could do if she loses on the

customs union is say, I am listening

to Parliament and they say they want

it as a negotiating objective, so I

am sorry, Jacob Rees-Mogg, the

majority of parliament has spoken

and I will embrace that.

The Prime

Minister would be holed below the

water line on that, surely, because

she has said she is against the

customs union, against Britain being

part of it. To say, I lost the vote

so this key part of my strategy I'm

going to abandon...

She has set the

red lines which may bring her down,

and she did not have too. There is a

majority in parliament, I believe,

for leaving the EU but along a

Norway- style deal, which has high

market access and high obligations.

Norway is not in the customs union.

But if there were a Norway plus with

the customs union option...

If you

are in the single market and the

customs union, you are in the

European Union. What bit are you not

in?

There is a choice.

The country

took that choice, rightly or

wrongly.

We can go round and round

with this. The type of Brexit was

not on there. There is a way through

for her which is to accept where the

majority of the house would be and

that would keep as much closer to

Europe, but I don't think she will

have the guts to take on the

hardliners on her backbenchers.

OK,

she loses a vote along the way but

eventually there will be a

settlement with the European Union

and that will be brought back to

Parliament, and that would override

whatever votes have occurred before

that.

Has Michel Barnier leading the

negotiations on the Commission's

behalf, coming out this week with

the document which the Brexiteers

claim is an attempt to annex

Northern Ireland from the United

Kingdom. Has he overplayed his hand?

There were a few statements coming

out of Brussels today which made it

seem that they had realised they'd

trod on some sensitive toes here in

the UK with this document. On the

Northern Ireland issue.

Very

diplomatic

Prance I should retrain.

A government with an overall Tory

majority could never agree to that.

A government dependent on the DUP

could certainly never agree to that.

With he have a series of

unreasonable negotiation position.

The UK Governments unreasonable

negotiating position and Brussels,

let's hope they see sense. What they

row posed was moving a border into

the Irish Sea which is intolerable

in terms of the UK.

Because they are

so frustrated -

Michel Barnier you

mean.

So frustrated to try and get

clarity on what the British

Government's position is, that he's

done this, knowing that that

couldn't be allowed to happen, but

it sure grabs the British

Government's attention?

I think you

are on to something there, Andrew.

Ever since we triggered, or Mrs May

and her Government triggered Article

50, which is going back some way

now, the constant complaint you hear

publicly and you hear more in

private from European politicians

and officials is - just tell us what

you want? We can't negotiate with

you sensibly until you spell out

what you want. I do think it was...

Give you a prod, we might find out.

We might find out more from Mrs

May's speech tomorrow in Newcastle.

Briefly, I want to hear from all of

you. As things stand, there has to

be a deal done to get into the

transition period by October at the

latest.

Very latest.

What are the

chances, as things stand now, you

may not like the deal, it may be a

bad deal, a good one, will it be

done? What are the chances. Liz?

I

think it will be done because

Conservative MPs will look over the

precipice of no deal and think we've

got to keep things as we are to

protect the economy.

It would be

done but it's because the commune

will look over the prep sis and

think, it's got to be done.

Andrew.

They are both being rational. A deal

must be done it's not in the

interests of EU and Britain for this

to be a disaster. The rational's

person mistake to forget that

sometimes Mmm beings and politicians

can be very irrational. If you were

to chat characterise this process

would you say it's been rational or

a lot has been irrational? I hope

you are right.

. Don't wish a disaster on Britain.

We have to account for the fact that

human beings aren't always rational?

There is a group of nations, not

least Sweden, the Netherlands etc

who would like to not go down the

Franco-German route in terms of the

future Europe route. We are living

in strange times where hotheads

rule.

We have them on tape with

their predictions. In this programme

they are invariably wrong. I take it

from that no deal will be done if

they all think it will be. You can

hot foot it back to Moscow, Andrew

Rawnsley. Let us hear some more from

Swing Zazou.

# She arrives with a certain smile

# Turns her head and stops the

# Not one for laying low

# She spreads her wings right out

# Kiss my feet

# I'm on the way

# Let me go

# I wish that I could say a friend

in need, a friend indeed

# Oh, no

# It makes me

# It makes me low

# Oh, no

#.

APPLAUSE

Come here, Molly. Come here Molly.

Have a treat because you deserve it.

It was Albert Camus who said: "Charm

is a way of getting the answer 'yes'

"without having asked

any clear question".

At least I think

it was Albert Camus.

It could have been the pub

bore in Albert Square.

Anyway, though it's clear that charm

in politics isn't everything -

I mean just look at the careers

of Liz and Michael -

obviously it's better

to have it than not.

So we've called on our very

own Prince Charming,

the mighty Brian Blessed,

as we put charm in the spotlight.

It's snowing, and the

kids are enchanted.

Is winter's charm lost on adults?

It's the worst winter that we've

had for quite a while.

Absolute mayhem.

Hope it doesn't last too long.

And what about MPs?

As frost descends on Westminster,

Big Bad John's usual

charm has chilled.

THE SPEAKER:

Order, order.

Resume your seat, Minister.

End of it.

You answer for government policy.

You don't waste the time

of the House by launching into rants

about policies of other parties.

I've made the point,

and if the Chancellor

is confused about it,

he really is underinformed.

I say to him, stick

to your abacus, man.

REPORTER:

Prime Minister,

who is going to blink first?

Is snow making the Maybot's

manners malfunction, too.

Just calm down.

Maybe MPs are just more agreeable

outside Westminster.

Charm us, Rebecca.

The gentleman with the blue tie

and the lovely blue jumper there.

I love your blue sweater.

It's very nice.

Matching scarf on there.

Trendy beard there.

But can charm be creepy?

Spare a thought for New Zealand

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.

Jacinda Ardern, what a great catch.

Perhaps we can go fishing sometime.

Yes.

What exactly is the date

the baby is due?

17th June.

It's interesting how much

people have been counting

back to the conception,

as it were.

Really?

And are some people

just totally charmless?

I got to watch some deputy sheriffs

performing this weekend.

They weren't exactly

medal of honour winners.

I really believe that I'd

run in there, even if I

didn't have a weapon.

This Week's alive!

Brian Blessed's the

consummate charmer.

So, Brian, is charm the secret

to political success?

APPLAUSE

Brian joins us now. Bless you for

joining us.

I've only one to say to

you - Gordon's Alive!

CHEERING

Congratulations on the show. Hello.

Two lovely ladies. Please speak.

Can

I go, ask a question.

You can speak

now.

Very well. You are a modest

chap, Brian.

I am.

Quiet,

unassuming. Barely say a word in a

room. Would you describe yourself as

charming?

I think I'm totally

charming. Absolutely. I'm the most

charming man in the world without

doubt. Now I, I will prove it. I

will use the audience here. When I

raise my hand in a while I want you

all to go gsh oh-oh. I will charm

Michael Portillo. He has a charming

face and a lovely smile. Here we go.

The train goes running along the

line. I wish it were mine. I wish it

were mine. The engine driver stands

in front. He makes it run. He makes

it shunt. Up to the towns. Over the

bridges and up to the sea.

bridges and up to the sea.

Oh-oh.

That is for you Michael.

Thank you

so much, Brian. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Wonderful.

I look in the mirror in

the morning, ladies and gentlemen, I

think - bloody hell, I'm gorgeous.

We think the same.

I look down at my

fellow actors and they are down

there compared to my talent and

beauty I. I know I look like a Yeti

and a gorilla. You know that the

strength of mankind is its women. So

I'd like to say to our two young

ladies here. Shall I compare they...

What Michael and Liz? !

Shall I

compare thee to a lovely day. Thour

more lovely and more temperate. They

do shake the darling buds of May.

That's charming I think...

Ah!

APPLAUSE

I'd like to apologise to the

researchers for writing all these

questions because they are clearly

going to be a complete waste of

time.

time. Do you find any politicians

charming?

I find them all charming.

Find them all charming? That can't

be true?

No, no. I'm not a political

animal in any shape or form. What is

Brexit? It sounds like a bloody

chocolate biscuit. I want to say. In

protest from the people from New

Zealand. We went into Europe many

years ago and we abandoned New

Zealand. New Zealand butter, New

Zealand lamb when we come out again

they will be waiting for us, won't

they?

In revenge.

CHANTING

Struggling to get to grips with this

interview. Liz, is... Hold on, I'm

going to ask Liz. Is Mrs May

charming, is Mr Corbyn charming?

I

don't think Theresa May's very

charming. I don't feel that she has

much warmth.

You need warmth to be

charming, don't you?

You do. You

need some sort of connection.

What

about Mr Corbyn?

He can be very

charming.

Really? You can be very

diplomatic!

APPLAUSE

Michael. Mrs May or Mr Corbyn,

charming?

Michael Gove is an

extremely charming man, they are

both put in the shade.

Controversial.

You have been at the

Blue Nun again, haven't you?

Miranda, either of the two main

party leaders charming, do you

think? Does it matter?

Well, you

know there is a sort of puritancle

view that it ought not to matter and

politics shouldn't be about

charisma. Of course it is. People

like to feel a connection with

somebody who wants their support.

That is what politics is, right? I

mean it's more than a personality

contest.

You have to a bit of charm?

Have you to do a bit of charm,

particularly in the modern era.

People can tell when it's not

authentic.

People wouldn't get away

with being Clement Attlee now.

with being Clement Attlee now. If

somebody has something to offer they

won't get far.

Do you think Michael

was more charming as a politician or

more charming now?

I think he's got

the eternal flame. I fancy him like

mad! He's absolutely gorgious.

Gorgeous. I love his jackets. I'm

envious of Mrs May turns me on. I

hate her husband.

All right. You

have said enough.

I'm so sorry. .

Before we are taking off the air I

think there's a goodbye. Thank you

for that. I haven't talked about

gorillas.

You are not going to. You

might bring Mrs May back into it.

It's our 15th anniversary programme.

It could well be our last! That's

your lot for tonight.

We're heading north of the river

to Lou Lou's, where it's

the European Commission's

weekly Bash-a-Brit night.

But we don't intend to take our

punishment beatings lying down.

Inspired by the government's plan

to use our young royals to win trade

deals around the world,

we intend to do our bit as well.

So Michael is off to

Paraguay to sell shares

in his model railway set.

It's so big it fills most

of his bedroom, you know,

so no doubt it will fetch

a pretty penny.

And, Liz, who has plenty of time

on her hands these days,

is on a slow boat to

East Timor with a consignment

of Turkey Twizzlers.

As for me, well, naturally I'm off

to the States to take this load

of old broadcasting bollocks

and sell it to Trump TV.

APPLAUSE

Nighty night.

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure whether it's good

that's popular or not.

I'll have to think about that.

Anyway, nighty night,

don't let the Barniers bite.

Take it away, Swing Zazou.

# The judge, the priest,

the lawyer, the governor

# The leader, the switch,

the chain

# The printing press,

the telephone exchange

# It's all hooked up, it's all done

up

# I said the banker, the broker,

the health and safety

#The ratchet, the meter...#

Thank goodness that's over.