Part 1 Sport Relief

Are you ready?! Sport Relief is back. It's funnier. More

entertaining. Strictly is going underwater.

They're a boy band from Benidorm. It's sportier. It's louder.

And it's downright sexier than ever before.

And kicking things off tonight, please welcome your hosts, Gary

Lineker and Claudia Winkleman! Well, it's loud in here! I know, my

little ears. Your ears?! Please, please. Here we go. Good evening

everyone and welcome to Sport Relief 2012! Hello. This evening

promises to be amazing. We have got funny stuff, sporty stuff, funny

sporty stuff, some brilliant music, plus a few surprises. We also have

some remarkable and moving films about people who you can really

help tonight. Before all of that, please go nuts for LMFAO, featuring

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds

# And we gon' make you # We just want to see

# Get up, get down # Put your hands up

# Get up, put down # And we gon' make you

# Everybody just have # When I walk on by, girls be

# This is how I roll, animal print # And like Bruce Leroy

# When I walk in the spot # Everybody stops

# I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it

# # Show it, show it, show it

# I'm sexy and I know it

# I'm sexy and I know it

# When I'm at the mall, security just can't fight them off

# Do the wiggle man

# Yeah, I'm sexy and I know it

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Thank

Thank you

Thank you guys.

Thank you guys. That

Thank you guys. That was a lot of people having a very good time in

their pants, but tonight is not just about semi-clad celebrities,

although there is a little bit of that. More about that indeed later.

This evening is all about raising money, so please, please do make a

donation because you can really change people's lives. In return,

we will try and give you the show of your lives, to explain why

tonight is so important, let's hand over to Mr Swoon, David Beckham.

Your support over the years has helped uz change lives here in the

UK and all over the world. But there's a lot more we can do. Take

a look at this film. It's why we are here tonight.

So many kids in here, they're all not well.

It's the most appalling thing I have ever seen.

A lot of -- little kids shouldn't be doing this. Even now I don't

understand why he can't come back. My biggest hope is that a child is

strong enough to run and love. like looking at a ghost of somebody

that used to be there, he is rocking and crying. She is a

beautiful 11-year-old girl and has to face this every day. Welcome to

It's impossible for any parent to not be here and have your your

heart ripped out. It's unimaginable that any child

Today you could change someone's Every pound you give tonight will

be be spent here in the UK or the world's poor he is countries.

Tonight you can change lives. Together we can change lives.

Please call 03457 910 910. Thank you.

We know times are tough and you have been truly astonishing in your

support so far, but please could you be truly astonishing one more

time? Your help and kindness is desperately needed. It couldn't be

simpler. The number is 03457 910 910. Please pick up the phone and

give what you can spare. Standard geographic charges from landlines

and mobiles will apply. You can also donate on the web. Go to

bbc.co.uk/Sport Relief. Or take your money to any bank, building

society or local post office and also write a cheque made payable to

Sport Relief. And send it to: We would also love it if would you

let us claim Gift Aid and to explain more, please welcome one of

the biggest names in international sport. For years he was rarely off

the front and back pages. Then he suddenly disappeared, leaving us

wondering where where he had vanished to. We managed to track

him down. Please welcome fresh from his holidays, former England

manager Fabio Capello. APPLAUSE.

Hello, Fabio. You look marvellous. Tell the group where have you been?

Well, I have... LAUGHTER. I have been on my vacation holidays,

classy, we go to Magaluf, larging it up big time. Saveloy. What can

you do? I wanted to come back to England to say thank you and

goodbye and no hard feelings, things like that.

No hard feelings whatsoever. Of course, you also want to explain

Gift Aid to us. That's true, strangely big-eared fella. When you

phone up tonight and ask if you want to claim Gift Aid on your

donation make sure that you say yes. This means the taxman fella give

extra 25p of every single pound you donating tonight. OK. What you are

saying, if you like, is the cocktail is like the �1 and the

Gift Aid is the 25p cherry on top? Yes, if you like, beautiful dark-

haired Bonnie lady. Now I am going and never coming back. Thank you so

much. Thank you very much. Fabio Capello! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.

Great stuff. He will be missed. Much missed. We have an absolute

jam-packed night lined up for you, including things like this. Coming

up on Sport Relief: Ballroom dancing goes to new depths.

Strictly is going underwater. sailor! Miranda gets to grips with

the heavyweights. I think you have been eating too many crisps. Some

Absolutely Fabulous comedy. This is Kate. Who in the world doesn't

though who you are? The amount of time you have been around. Frank

and Christine get The Outnumbered treatment. This is my mum, she

fancies you. No, I don't! England football stars take on the omelette

challenge. This is the first omelette I have ever tasted that's

burnt on the outside and raw in the middle. Hopefuls from Benidorm on

Britain's Got Talent. Who are you? Lost Chorizo. Music from JLS, Emily

Sande and Snow Patrol and so much more.

Don't miss a single second. Please, please stay with us. We all know

the best bit about Saturday mornings is Saturday Kitchen.

Sorry. The best bit about Saturday Kitchen is the omelette challenge.

Correct. And the best bit about Sport Relief is when we asked the

England football team to take on this culinary battle and they said.

I'm in Watford, at the HQ as they prepare

But for some of the players, they face their ultimate test today -

it's the Saturday Kitchen Sport Relief Omelette Challenge.

Theo Walcott is lightning quick with a football,

but will he be as fast with an omelette pan?

Glen Johnson - a no-nonsense defender,

but can he tackle this basic recipe?

Robert Green - unbeatable in goal,

but will he be able to beat those eggs into shape?

And Scott Parker - a natural leader on the pitch,

but can he take command at the hobs?

OK, guys, thanks for joining us.

The rules of the game are very simple.

A three-egg omelette, cooked as fast as you can.

The clock stops when the omelette hits the plate,

it starts when I blow the whistle.

This is two semi-finals to start off with,

and then a final, the winner of which will win this coveted prize -

the Saturday Kitchen Sport Relief Omelette Challenge trophy.

Scott Parker, Glen Johnson, I want you to go first.

Robert Green, Theo Walcott, you're second.

Are you feeling confident? No. No?

When was the last time you made an omelette.

This is the first time, mate. Right, OK. Scott, what about you?

You're looking confident. Yeah, looks... Yeah, not really. No!

Right, three eggs. Be careful of the shells. Are you ready?

Three, two, one...

WHISTLE

There's a lot of shell in that. There's a bit of shell in it.

You're done, you're done, you're done, go, go, go!

Bit of this, now, a touch of that. A bit of this.

He's chucked a bit of salt in! Why is the butter going brown?!

Don't go too hard on it, just gently, gently.

It's looking good for your first omelette, though.

Remember, it's got to be a cooked omelette.

Glen, I think that's dead, you can put it on the plate, now.

I need a spatula!

There you go.

Yeah, well, it's not bad.

GONG

APPLAUSE

This is where we get to taste these things.

How do you feel about this, do you think you could have improved it?

Yeah, just a bit.

Quite a lot of salt, isn't it? Right, let's have a look on here.

This is the first omelette I've ever tasted

that burnt on the outside and raw in the middle.

Scott Parker, you did it in one minute, ten seconds.

Glen Johnson, you did it in one minute...and one second.

Which means you go through to the final.

I'll take that. Take that one.

When was the last time you made an omelette? Erm, about a week ago.

A week ago? A Spanish omelette.

A Spanish omelette. He's thinking of recipes now.

Robert, and you? I ain't got a cooker.

You haven't even got a cooker? Do you know what that is?

It's hot.

Three, two, one...

WHISTLE

Not a good start, there, Theo, is it?

No, it's not great, it's not great.

Get it in the pan, Theo. I don't want to yet. That's not working.

The concentration on your face, Robert.

I'm all over this. This is looking decent.

A bit of cheese on there to tempt the judge?

Oh, we've got an omelette there. That's it.

GONG

It's done.

Shall we taste this one first?

Tastes really good as well, quite nutty.

With the cheese in there it tastes not too bad, nicely seasoned.

Theo Walcott, quick on your feet,

not so quick with your hands, are you? No, no.

1.25.

Robert, I think in the final you might have to speed up,

but you are through,

you did it in one minute, 12 seconds.

Still, pretty respectable time. So there you have it.

The final, Robert Green versus Glen- Johnson. Let the battle commence.

OK, guys, this is it, this is the final.

Glen Johnson and Robert Green, over here, let's go for it now.

This means a lot to the nation. Are you ready?

Three, two, one...

WHISTLE

You're getting quicker now you're on your second one.

I'm used to this.

Swirl the butter around the pan, get it in as quickly as possible.

Swirl it around, stop it from sticking, straight in.

This is the thing. Both level pegging at this point.

Have you just switched his gas off?

THEY LAUGH

You just switched his gas off!

I don't mind foul play, but turning- his heat off is another thing.

That's it, I still think you can beat him, just draw the eggs away.

GONG

A bit of a round of applause, there. Two decent omelettes.

APPLAUSE

This is a pretty good omelette. Better than your first attempt.

Could do with a little bit more seasoning.

Glen. Choose a good bit. It all looks pretty good to me.

Unfortunately, what you did was inexcusable, with the gas,

so for that, you're getting a straight red.

A straight red for that, which means our winner,

with a time of one minute, 25 seconds, you are the winner

of the Saturday Kitchen Sport Relief Omelettes Challenge of 2012.

Glen Johnson, you are our champion.

APPLAUSE

How does it feel to win a competition such as this,

and to win something as exclusive

as our trophy that you are holding there?

It's fantastic.

It's the first trophy I've ever won cooking an omelette,

so I'm over the moon.

Commiserations, Robert. Commiserations to our runners-up.

But congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, go to Glen Johnson.

Top

Top effort.

Top effort. Toll

Top effort. Toll done Glen Johnson and good luck to England in the

euros and we take this opportunity to wish Fabrice Muamba a fast and

full recovery. APPLAUSE. Now 50% of the money you donate

tonight will be spent right here in the UK on a project near you.

Billie Piper went to meet a family in Norwich who really needed help.

Mark was killed in a motorbike accident and his family's life was

torn apart. What things did you used to do with your dad? We liked

going swimming. Keen swimmers. liked going on trampoline with

daddy. We got on his back and he jumped.

Rough and tumble. I miss playing games with him and going out

together. Mark's wife Louise didn't just have to cope with her own

grief, but also face up to life as a single parent and guide three

vulnerable little girls through their own heartache and sadness.

Any of the girls will say why can't he just give me one more kiss? Why

can't he say goodbye to me? Even now they want him to come back.

They don't understand why he can't Georgie, Ashley and Serena will

never forget their dad. But your money can help support them as they

used to life without him. The best thing that's taken them away to

places is that they meet other children in the same situation. I

think that helped the girls a lot. This project, supported by Sport

Relief, helps bereaved children and parents work through their pain

together. I have been here today and witnessed firsthand how

important these organisations are and how much they help.

I am lighting a candle for my dad. I miss him lots and lots. I am

lighting my candle for my dad, and Your money really does make a

difference and is helping to Please call now. Your money will

help support children like Georgie, Ashley and Serena. 03457 910 910.

Or go online and give what you can. Thank you.

It's heart-breaking stuff but you can see that project really does

help those little girls and their mum come to terms with their loss.

�30 buys a counselling session for three children, �180 pays for a

child to go to a residential camp like the one we have seen T really

works, it really makes a difference. Help us to help them. Please call

03457 910 910. Or donate online. Now a huge well

done to all the brilliant kids out there who have been doing fantastic

things raising all sorts of money for Sport Relief. To find out more

we sent Football Focus's Dan Walker on a mission with a help from two

of the biggest footballing superstars.

Most dedicated fundraisers can be found in thousands of schools,

they've been getting active and raising mountains of cash for Sport

Relief. What we thought we would do is come to one of those

superschools and give them a treat that will hopefully they'll never

forget. I have been sent here to say thank you to all of you for the

money you have raised. As a reward we are going to take you on a

special school trip. Little do they know but I am about

to take them to Manchester United's training ground to meet two genuine

football stars, Wayne Rooney and Hello, we've heard all the stuff

So we're here, me and Wayne, If we lose, there's going

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds

If we lose, there's going A massive thank you to all the kids

at Harris Primary School and to Dan and Rio and Wayne and thanks to all

the school children who have run the mile today. You are brilliant!

While we are on the subject, if you haven't entered the mile on Sunday

look at our website. Now it's time, it's Strictly Come Dancing

They fought the battle for the Now, at the world-famous

Harry and Chelsee dance head to head

like you've never seen them before.

This is Strictly Come Dancing Underwater...

for Sport Relief.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to this very special edition

of Strictly Come Dancing.

This is, quite frankly, one of the most bonkers things

we have ever attempted for Sport Relief.

Strictly is going underwater.

We have built our very own ballroom

and submerged it into that tank

and in just a moment, our couples will dance

on that very watery stage.

They've filmed scenes from Pirates Of The Caribbean

and James Bond IN that tank.

Talking of suave, sophisticated leading men,

here's four who certainly won't be shaken or stirred.

It's the Strictly judges! Wey-hey-hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please welcome Craig Revel Horwood,- Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli

and our special guest judge - it's Olympic swimmer

and former Strictly contestant, Mark Foster!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ahoy there, boys. Yes.

Ahoy. You all look so sweet. You look about seven.

Aw. Len...if I can call you Captain- Len? Captain Len? Yes, please.

What are you expecting? And how excited are you?

It's got to be very difficult.Well, Claudia, I am truly excited.

This is a unique experience for me.

50 years of judging ballroom dancing, and here I am,

four men in a punt, getting ready to watch this, and I can't wait.

I don't know what to expect, but I'm hoping it'll be gorgeous.

I've got a feeling it'll be gorgeous. Me too.

Bruno, how challenging is it going to be?

I know we're all here for Sport Relief, but when Chelsee and Harry

have got to walk down those stairs and dance - quite hard.

Oh, it's incredibly hard, becauseyou have the resistance of the water,

so every shape you make and every thing you do,

you have to calculate the resistance of the water.

Mark knows all about it.

But there is the weightlessness as well, so if you're clever,

you can use the weightlessness the water gives you

to do fantastic, smooth shapes, so there are pros and cons,

but I'm sure it's going to be amazing. OK.

Craig, I know you're normally but this is for Sport Relief and..,

Oh, a smile! ..and they are under water. Are you excited in any way?

I am excited. I'm looking forward to- it going horribly wrong, darling!

CLAUDIA CACKLES

Now, Mark, you know more than the judges.

How difficult will it be to move under that much water?

It's a massive tank. It's not like they're in a puddle. No, no, no.

It's incredibly different from doing it on land.

Like Bruno said, you've got resistance.

Also, when you do movement under water, you do get out of breath,

so they'll be looking for breath as well.

They've got mouthpieces, but it'll be far different from on land. OK.

First up, it's Strictly champions Harry and Aliona,

but before they put the motion in YOUR ocean,

let's see how they got on in training.

BRUCE FORSYTH: Harry and Aliona!

Winning Strictly was absolutely amazing.

So, when we were asked to do Strictly Underwater,

we jumped at the opportunity.

When I arrived here this morning at Pinewood, at the underwater studio,

I felt like I was filming the new Bond movie.

Got in the water, got the equipment on, went straight to the bottom!

If you could play the James Bond theme music whilst I'm under there,

that would be really cool.

And then we started doing the ballroom dancing.

Moving through water is a lot harder.

It's like moving through treacle.

You can't really communicate either.- You're just doing this...

I think Aliona's a Viking -

her dancing powers are taken away when she's under water. No!

Water's her kryptonite.

Training for the series, you'd do 8, 10 hours a day. On Strictly,

dancing under water, we've managed about three today,

because it's a lot more strenuous. Stop eating chocolate.

We don't have much time. The routine is not set,

so we're going to have to work really hard tomorrow.

Panicking yet? A bit.

Dancing for Sport Relief, Harry Judd and Aliona Vilani!

# Standing on the edge of forever

# At the start of whatever

# Shouting love at the world

# We will meet you where the lights are

# The defenders of the faith we are

# Where the thunder turns around

# They'll run so hard we'll tear the ground away

# Although no-one understood

# We were holding back the flood

# Learning how to dance the rain

# We were holding back the flood

# They said we'd never dance again

# Although no-one understood

# There was more of them than us

# Learning how to dance the rain

# We were holding back the flood

# They said we'd never dance again

# Oh whoa, oh whoa

# Oh whoa, oh whoa... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh-ho!

There you are.

Absolutely amazing.

Gobsmackingly clever girl.

Guys, do you want robes? Do you...?

No, thank you. Argh!

Massive congratulations. It looked brilliant.

Thank you. And beautiful. How did it feel?

It felt amazing. Yeah? Very different than on land.

We are all... I mean, you took our breath away. Harry, how was it?

It was good fun. Loved it, really good. OK. Let's go to the judges.

Our lovely guest judge, Mark, how did they cope?

I think they're absolutely fantastic. Absolutely brilliant.

Is there anything you can't do? Both of you?

It was absolutely phenomenal.

The shapes you make in the water,you were like Happy Feet down there.

In a good way! Bruno, what did you think?

Hello, Sailor!

I don't know why, but I have this sudden urge, I want to dive in!

I really do. Slick and streamlined.

Truly a wonder down under.

The shapes were beautiful. Both ofyou were like a marvel of the abyss.

Loved it. OK.

Thank you for your comments. Craig, what did you think?

Well, you both took the plunge,darling, and it actually paid off.

Elegant, liquid, clean lines. Loved it.

I felt waves of emotion, darling,

especially when you went into that wonderful double-attitude turn.

That looked absolutely incredible.

You then followed that into the fish lift,

which I thought was completely appropriate.

And the upper-body strength, Aliona,

you demonstrated under water,

a one-arm press. Absolutely brilliant.

Eau-de-licious, darlings.

Fantastic comments there. Next judge - Captain Len.

The movement and the lifts were beautiful.

They say that 80% of alllife in the world is under water,

and you were full of life.

Well done. Aw. Thank you so much.

Are you very happy with the judges'- comments? I'm truly happy.

They were beautiful. It must have been an extraordinary experience,

and then to come out and have the Revel Horwood be nice.

It's just a double joy.

I've never seen him so nice. It's quite a shock.

But no, amazing comments. Thank you very much. OK.

Judges, I believe your scores, please.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Mark Foster.

Bruno Tonioli.

Happy with that? Happy. OK. Good. OK.

That's the end of part one. But that was a drop in the ocean...

I can't help myself! ..because coming up in part two,

we'll see Chelsee and Pasha brave the waters.

But is Chelsee out of her depth? See you in part two!

And remember, keep... Do this with me. ..diving!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I

I apologise

I apologise by

I apologise by the way for everything I did there, but they

were beautiful dancing underwater and do you not want to miss the

second part. Please stay tuned to see Chelsee and Pasha's performance.

When Sport Relief asked me and my wife Danielle to visit Bangladesh

last year we thought we knew what to expect. We didn't.

This 100 acre rubbish dump is a mess of human, animal and

industrial waste. And unbelievably it's also a place

The stench for a start, it's just inhumane that people

trying to find scraps and bits of plastic or whatever,

just to exist, basically.

The most appalling thing I think I've ever seen.

Welcome to Hell.

Yet forhundreds of desperately poor children,

scavenging other people's unwanted rubbish to sell is the only way they can survive.

You can imagine some of the stuff that's in here - medical waste,

needles - it's just so dangerous. So dangerous.

No human being should go through this, let alone small children.

Children like eight-year-old Mahabu. He's worked here his whole life.

He doesn't go to school. And he's in constant danger.

For Mahabu, working here is a life sentence.

They're like four and five, these kids.

They should be starting school now.

and they're here, just sifting through filth.

They're even picking it up andeating it, because they're starving.

Just think every kid's entitled to a childhood.

Sport Relief wants to reach out to kids like Mahabu,

to get them into schools, and educated,

so they never have to work in a place like this.

It's just harrowing, it's horrific. And it's got to stop.

It costs just �10 to send one ofthese children to school for a month.

They get education, books, and a uniform.

A tenner, for a future.

What's he, three years old, this little one?

Off to work. Off to work, yeah.

But we can't change this without your money.

So to all the mums, to all the parents, please think of these kids

when you're feeding your own child tonight or tucking them into bed.

Please help us make a change.

Please pick up your phones - and do it now, while you can see this.

We can make a real difference. We can change it.

Please be the shoulder these kids can lean on.

I

I can't

I can't tell

I can't tell you how bad it is there. The stench has remained with

me almost and it's something neither of us will ever, ever

forget. We have got to do something about it. In Bangladesh �10 gets

one of those children an education for a month. �120 will buy them a

whole year in school. It's school which will give them a future,

school will get them away from that filthy place. Tonight you really

have the power to change children's lives. Please use it. 03457 910 910.

Time for a high-flying thank you, courtesy of new cabin crew member

Mr Alan Carr. Put your chair in the upright

Life jackets are available under your seat in case of an emergency.

Shame they don't come in other colours.

Lemon!

Please watch this short video while we carry out our final checks.

Our wonderful staff have risen to the challenge

and have been busy raising money for Sport Relief

over the last 12 months as part of their Flying Start campaign.

They've been pulling together,

and everyone deserves a massive thank-you

for putting in so much effort.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And a special thanks to all you customers

for raising so much money - you're all gorgeous.

Right, I'm just going to go and see if the captain needs anything.

Uncanny.

Uncanny. Let's

Uncanny. Let's see

Uncanny. Let's see how much the staff and customers of British

Airways have raised. Wow, look at that!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Well done and thank you! Thank you very much.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. OK. What's got fast hands, fast

feet, and fast wits? But is still really terribly horrible? Amir

Khan? Jermaine Defoe? And Stephen Fry in Horrible Histories?

Hello, and welcome to this special Now, all modern sports

a game of which Mary, Queen of Scots was an enormous fan.

Indeed, after her execution, Mary's headless body was wrapped

in a billiard table's cloth.

Billiards developed from an outdoor game played on grass.

Boxing also took place on turf

till the Marquess of Queensberry Rules were introduced in 1867.

That's not the only thing that'schanged about boxing over the years.

Hello. Welcome to Historical Boxing. We are ring-side,

and what a line-up we have for you this evening. Steve?

That's right. Tonight, defending his Historical boxing title,

we have Olympic medal winner and world-class fighter Amir Khan.

That's right. And just last week,

Amir took on Ancient Greek Damoxenus,

who uses a vicious mix of boxing and wrestling,

known as pancratia. Let's remind ourselves how he got on.

I'm going to jab you in the ribs with my sharpened fingernail

and pull out your innards. I'm going to pull out your belly, yeah?

I'm going to do a little dance on your guts.

I'm going to do go skipping with your...

It's cold in here, innit?

No, not Damoxenus's finest hour, Steve.

I know, that was barely a minute. Dreadful.

So let's see how our next contender gets on.

All the way from Georgian England,

it's naval boxing champion, Able Seaman Bob.

Darn rigging! That's a funny-looking bottle of rum

you've got there, boy.

It's not rum. It's energy drink. Which one of you said that?

I can't fight him. Don't worry, laddie. I'll go easy on you!

BELL RINGS

Ooh! Whoa! Wait now! What are you doing?

I'm boxing. Oh, no, we're going to box properly.

Like Georgian sailors. Terry! What on earth's going on, Steve?

Well, John, bored Georgian sailors stuck in harbour

would indulge in something called milling.

Basically, they would sit straddling sea chests,

be covered in chains to stop them moving,

and then beat the living daylights out of each other.

I've never seen that before. It must be on pay per view.

BELL RINGS

Oi! Bagsie me first shot.

Whoa! Oh!

Well, the good news for Amir is that, with Bob out like a light,

victory is once again his. And what's the bad news, John?

He's dribbling on me.

He's dribbling on him. He's dribbling.

And on the subject of dribbling - of a far more attractive kind -

we turn to football,

which wasn't always the beautiful game.

Referees weren't introduced until 1891.

Just imagine the game before then. There'd be no-one to hurl abuse at.

Way back in Tudor times, football was really violent.

Well, I'm delighted to be joined by a player often described as

being to football what Jermain Defoe is to football -

it's Jermain Defoe.

So, Jermain, big match in prospect today.

I believe this is the first time you've faced the Tudors? Who?!

The Tudors? From the Tudor era? What?! OK, here they come now.

GRUMBLING AND RAMBLING

So, Ken, how are the Tudors feeling about the match today?

Pretty excited. The whole village has turned out today, so...

Great. Great to have so much support.

They're not supporters. They're playing. The entire village?

That's right. In Tudor football, the whole village

takes on the whole another village,

although, apparently, today we're going to play against two villages.

Tott and Ham. Tottenham? That's what I said, mate.

Nice to meet you, by the way. What number are you? 18.

Ah, right. I'm 316, he's 317, he's 318, and then we lost count.

We're playing classic football rules today.

Basically, as many men as you can muster.

You've got to kick the ball through the cemetery gates

at the opposing village.

It goes without saying - violence, foul play, bad language

are strictly encouraged.

Except, we can't use weapons? Health and safety gone mad.

I don't suppose this is the type of football

you're used to playing, Jermain. Nonsense!

Football is football! What position do you play? Striker.

I'm a striker too, and I'm going to strike you,

and I'm probably going to strike him

and I may head-butt him if I can reach him.

He may as well, cos he's a nutter.

I think we're just about to kick off now

because here comes the ref with the ball.

WHISTLE BLOWS

That's the ball?

Yeah, it's your classic inflated pig's bladder.

Ooh, sorry, there's still some blood on that.

From the pig?! No, from the last team we beat.

And when I say beat, I mean beat.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Leave it till the kick-off, Ken.

I want a good, clean game, but I'm told that's not going to happen

so I'm out of here. Good luck, Jermain!

Get him!

ALL SHOUT

Thank

Thank you

Thank you Horrible

Thank you Horrible Histories. No one makes history more horrible

than you. What do your children want to do when they grow up? I bet

they have big dreams and plans. Lorraine Kelly went to Peru to meet

a little boy Jose, he has a dream, he wants to go to school so he has

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds

Ten-year-old Jose works with his OK. Jose and his family make about

1,000 of these in a day, would you believe. Of course, when he is

working here he is not at school. Do you know, I was just doing that

for about ten minutes and I am shattered. My hands are killing me.

Every single day, every single day that's the life. It's absolutely

horrendous. It really is. Absolutely horrendous. It's no way

to live at all. But there is an answer. Sport Relief is funding a

local project o that provides vital help for children like Jose, things

like books, uniforms and catch-up education classes. They even help

retrain parents to find better jobs so the whole family is supported to

get out of this horrible situation. But without that support children

like Jose are trapped. When you finish work how do you feel? It's

hard, it's really hard. What would you rather be doing?

What would be something that you really want to do? You want to be a

doctor. That's fantastic. That's really, really good.

But unless Jose gets a proper education he could well spend the

rest of his life working here. That wee soul is just ten years old,

his bones ache at night because he's so tired. He's working with

his bare hands and bare feet, it's just not right, it really isn't. I

mean... Little kids shouldn't be doing this. They should be at

school, he should be playing, having a proper life. It's not fair.

It's just not fair. Please help make life fairer for

children like Jose. Call 03457 910 910.

Or go online and give what you can. We desperately need to get teachers

for those children. A good teacher costs �100 a week. Please give

whatever you can. 03457 910 910. So far tonight we have already seen

Harry and Aliona perform under difficult conditions, but next to

take the plunge are Chelsee and Pasha. Goggles on, stand by, it's

time to jump back in the tank. Here is Strictly Come Dancing Underwater,

we've taken Strictly to new We've submerged our ballroom

Earlier, Strictly champions Harry and Aliona swapped

driving for diving, and made a splash with their amazing routine.

Here's a little reminder of how they got on.

Hello, Sailor!

Slick and streamlined. Truly a wonder down under.

Elegant, liquid. Clean lines. Loved it.

I felt waves of emotion, darling.

Absolutely phenomenal. The shapes you make. You were like Happy Feet!

You were full of life. Well done.

A very tough act to follow.

A very tough act to follow.

Next to take the Sport Relief plunge - it's Chelsee and Pasha!

Here they are in training.

I came second in Strictly Come Dancing,

and it'd be amazing to come home with a trophy this time.

We're here, taking our first steps in underwater dancing.

I'm dreading going in there. Dreading it.

Ooh! Don't like it!

I don't like going under water and opening my eyes.

No, I can't do it.

I'm freaked out a little now.

I'm trying to work my breathing out.

I'm so used to breathing through my nose.

It's weird getting used to breathing- through your mouth.

I think we're going through the hardest stage at this moment

because the main thing is for us to- get comfortable being under water.

SHE SPLUTTERS

It feels unnatural. I sometimes panic when I've been down there.

It's so uncomfortable and scary to be under water...

in a completely different environment.

I knew it was going to be hard, and it is hard for me.

I'm so proud of Chelsee.

I don't think I can do this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dancing under water - Chelsee Healey and Pasha Kovalev!

# Somewhere beyond the sea

# Somewhere waiting for me

# My lover stands on golden sands

# And watches the ships that go sailing

# Somewhere beyond the sea

# She's there watching for me

# If I could fly like birds on high

# Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing

# It's far beyond a star

# It's near beyond a moon

# I know beyond a doubt

# My heart will lead me there soon

# We'll meet beyond the shore

# We'll kiss just as before

# Happy we'll be beyond the sea

# And never again I'll go sailing... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you all right, darling? Yes. That was pretty good.

Did you enjoy it?

It was amazing, yeah. It's really scary being down there,

but once you're down there and feel that you're breathing's going OK,

then yeah, it's an amazing feeling. I loved it.

Did you enjoy it, Pasha? Absolutely.

Everything went the way we planned,

and it's such a great feeling of freedom when you dance there.

Yeah. Was it?

Yeah. I can do the splits down there- and I can't on dry land!

It was a beautiful routine. Let's start with our guest judge.

Mark, how do you think these guys coped?

They had tables and chairs and champagne glasses, and everything.

At the beginning, we were talking, I hadn't seen any rehearsals,

but Chelsee was having problems getting under the water.

I thought you might clam up but you really were a STAR-fish.

You were fantastic. You did more movement than Harry.

You're amazing. Well done, sweetheart. Aw.

Bruno? Chelsee, you delicious and curvaceous little mermaid!

Enticing the seamen into your underwater kingdom! In fact,

there was a moment when you swam over, reaching for the camera,

it was pure Esther Williams!

It was great, my darling.

Fantastic job. That's the best compliment ever.

OK. Mr No-Longer-Grumpy And-Just-Full-Of-Joy,

Craig Revel Horwood.

Sorry to disappoint, but I thought the transitions

were slightly fishy.

They were just a little complex, I think.

It looked more like a shark attack in a feeding frenzy.

Ohh! No!

But, my darling, you did a million and one steps.

You kept in character the whole way through.

I love the use of props.

Tables, chairs, champagne glasses under water - absolute heaven.

Full of drama. I'd say water heaven,- darling. Gorgeous!

Oh, brilliant. Thank you very much,- Craig.

And finally, head judge Len.

Oh, Chelsee, my little water baby.

Whatever anyone gives to Sport Relief, you've given more,

because I know you were petrified,

and yet you've come out and done it.- That was amazing.

You did an absolutely fantastic job

and it was very, very well done.

Well done, sweetheart. Well done.

Before we get the scores, let's welcome back Harry and Aliona.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Harry, you of course scored 35.

We're going to find out what Chelsee scored.

If it's a tie, then the king,

otherwise known as head judge Len Goodman will decide

who lifts the trophy. Good luck.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Mark Foster.

It's a tie!

It's a tie.

Let's go to Len. This is serious. Somebody does win a very beautiful

Sport Relief Strictly Come Dancing Underwater trophy.

Who would you like to see win?

Well, I tied both of you.

I gave you both an eight,

because firstly, I thought Harry's dance was beautiful

and I loved the movement of it. However,

I must say that I felt that,

as a dance from a celebrity under water,

Chelsee did a little bit more dancing.

You mainly partnered, Chelsee mainly danced,

so my decision is for you, Chelsee and Pasha.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You are the winner of Sport Relief Strictly Come Dancing Underwater!

Thank you!

Are you happy? Yes, I'm made up. Thank you.

Good you're made up. Pasha, congratulations. Are you delighted?

Thank you so much. Yes. It was an incredible experience

for both couples, and I think we're- both winners today. Yeah.

Are you very happy for them? Oh, absolutely delighted.

Obviously, it's an amazing thing to be part of,

and Chelsee did incredibly well in overcoming all her fears,

and it's an amazing thing to be part- of, Sport Relief,

so thanks to everyone for this opportunity. Thank you, Harry.

So we have a winner. Please raise the roof

for our Sport Relief Strictly Come Dancing Underwater champion,

Chelsee Healey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That

That was

That was incredible!

That was incredible! Yes, they were brilliant. Now, everyone on that

shoot took part because of the work that Sport Relief does. Half the

money you donate will be spent When I need support,

When I've had a bad day, I find strength in my dad.

But there are thousands of people here in the UK

who feel they have no-one to turn to.

Sport Relief is working hard to find people in trouble

and give them a helping hand just when they need it.

Any of the girls would say, "Well,

"why can't he give me just one more kiss,

"why can't he say goodbye to me?"

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Depression.

Bipolar.

A lot of people find it difficult to talk about it.

They feel a bit ashamed.

Life sometimes is just so hard.

Over the years, Sport Relief money has helped

all sorts of people from all over the country.

Get them back on their feet.

Help them stand tall with pride.

And never give up.

Children who bear the huge responsibility and challenge

of looking after their own parent.

My mum's got multiple sclerosis, which makes her really tired.

I mainly help my mum

with the cooking and with the injections

and getting things ready for her.

I remember certain smells.

I started really hearing high echo, your head starts banging.

I started seeing things, not flashbacks,

I mean literally seeing things.

It's like looking at a ghost of somebody who used to be there.

I just sat beside him, and he's rocking and crying.

He didn't know who I was.

He didn't know where he was.

He was scared.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

But they do have someone who cares, they have you.

Because 50% of Sport Relief money gets spent right here in the UK -

in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales.

Your money funds over 1,300 projects nationwide.

I've witnessed first-hand how important these organisations are.

And it's your money that makes all this possible.

It's a great idea,

bringing able-bodied and disabled young people together

to break down barriers and build confidence.

And what better way to do that than through the power of sport?

It helps me to be more independent and come here.

The project is fantastic.

I can't wish for a better support network.

Tonight you can be the rock

that supports the lifeline of someone else's life.

Someone who really needs your help right now.

Call 03457 910 910 and make a difference to someone's life

or donate online at bbc.co.uk/sportrelief

A big, big, big thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank

Thank you.

Thank you. Sport

Thank you. Sport Relief is in England, Sport Relief is in

Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Wherever you live, there is

a project near you. Help us to continue the support by calling

03457 910 910. Thank you. Also, a quick but enormous thank you to The

One Show's Matt and Alex and their viewers who have been brilliant in

supporting Sport Relief and have, so far, raised �186, 161. They are

also taking part in The One Show 1,000 Relay, which ends in the

Sport Relief Mile Show from The Mall on Sunday. In our interactive

Star Bar... Hello. It is possible they can't hear me. I think they

can! Hello, Helen. Hello, I can hear you. We are tweeting away.

Taking lots of donations. So it is all good. Fantastic. Helen Skelton,

there she is, chatting to some of you live while you watch this show.

If you like being online and watching TV at the same time,

then... Ah. Indeed, she's there. Don't panic. LAUGHTER Go to

bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. You and I are going for days after! Only

three? That's plenty! Time for another thank you. This time, we

sent Professor Brian Cox to uncover the mysteries of telephony.

Our universe is a vast and wonderous place and it is full of

awesome and spectacular sights. For me, none is as fascinating as the

completely naturally occurring rock formation known as the BT Tower.

Thousands of highly-charged human being volunteers - they are dead

nice - they use this strange building to raise millions of

pounds and they achieve this through a beautiful and mysterious

process known as telephone calls. The remarkable staff have been

helping to raise hundreds of thousands of pounds by joining

forces and fund-raising all across the UK. For this, thank you all

very much. You are truly, truly amazing. And one of the real

wonders of the universe. APPLAUSE Thank you, BT and your wonderful

staff, customers, all the folk who have volunteered to take your

donations tonight. Let's see how much they have raised. APPLAUSE

Thank you. That is over �1 million from their customers and staff

towards the three charities they have supported. Still to come: We

have more fantastic treats. Have a look at this. Coming up soon: Frank

Skinner attempts his own big swim. I am frightened of the water and

everything else is a prifal concern. A tricky fixture for Frank Lampard

in Outnumbered. Are you a Chelsea fan? No, I hate football. I won

this in a competition and I wanted to be on telly. Have the judges

found their next winner of Britain's Got Talent? How old are

you? 25. And the rest! All coming soon.

APPLAUSE That Miranda sketch is coming up

very soon. Do you have any phobias? Ferrets, I don't like them.

won't like this then! I wouldn't do that to you. I don't really like

heights so imagine if Sport Relief Challengeed us to stand on say the

top of the Eiffel Tower surrounded by ferrets? Terrifying. It was just

a way of explaining what happened to Frank Skinner when Sport Relief

found out that Frank can't swim and has a phobia of water. There is

only one thing to do... Shove him in a pool and make him swim a

I go on stage in front of however many people and try and make them

laugh by telling jokes. But swimming makes me completely feel

like I have no control, like I'm very, very vulnerable. I have one

worry. I have to be in water and nothing else really matters to me.

I'm frightened of the water and everything else is a peripheral

concern. I can smell the chlorine. There is supposed to be a smell of

fear, that is what I associate it with. Oh, it looks... I'm getting

the... Mmm. It is amazing that you are doing it. There are so many

adults that can't swim. It is very brave of you. If you teach me to

swim, you will have done something which I gave up on at some point in

my life and just thought, "I will never be able to do this." It is

such a shame. We have a swimming teacher who will be coming along.

You will have to trust me. I'm not going to let you drown. OK. David

guides Frank to his first hurdle - getting used to the water. We will

do this together. I will hold your hands. Bend your knees and start

blowing bubbles. OK. Good man. And again. OK. I wasn't anxious, but I

didn't have one of my moments where I lose it. That is a victory. I

touched it! I am coming to lesson two, so that's what I was aiming

Remember what I said about your feet? Keep your ankles relaxed and

you are not kicking your legs, you are what? Flapping my feet,

splashing my feet. That's fine. That's it. Just relax. I have lost

two of my three floats already. It is very good. That third float is

quite crucial. Leaning forwards and touching. I'm keeping my head out.

That's fine. With all of the floats gone, Frank takes his feet off the

floor for the first time. For the first time Frank is moving under

his own steam, which is a massive step forward. My big brick wall

fears, they don't start with me getting in the water. My big fears

are still to come. No-one asked me, "Are you ready to transfer to the

big pool?" It looks very big. And like many people, I might die here.

With three weeks of swimming under his belt, it is Frank's breathing

that is making him panic. Relax. What is going on with you at the

moment, mate? Stand up properly, relax. I'm taking in air! Slow down.

I'm fine. I need to know that I can put my feet down at any time if I'm

just - if I do take my feet up, if I'm floating a bit. Get over this

whole breathing issue. I'm trying. I know. Listen to what I am telling

you. If a bit of water goes in. Don't worry about it. I know. For

the first time for a few weeks, I have thought, "Maybe I can't do

this." When you started, that would have been in your mind every day.

That is what you have to think about. Even though you were

thinking every day we have got this far. Think about it for a few

seconds, it is not going to have an impact, it is fine. I don't have

much time left. All I can do is just the old-fashioned method of

sticking at it. It will be tight. I might do it. I might not. If

someone said, "Do you think you will be able to swim a length on

March 23rd?" and had a gun to my head, I would say, "No, I won't be

Come on, Frank, the brave Frank Skinner! One in five adults in the

UK cannot swim. Can he swim a length? Stay tuned. Now one of the

things Sport Relief is committed to is helping people who live very

difficult lives in slums around the world without access to water or

proper healthcare. Once all of the money is in tonight we want to

spend �10 million on projects in the world's poorest countries and

to back your brilliant support, the Government department for

International Development is going to match that money from their

budget. That will mean a total of �20 million could be spent in slum

areas bringing people clean water, toilets and basic healthcare. It

will also make sure kids get a good education and support people to get

jobs and improve their living conditions. Here is a short film

from John Bishop showing how I'm in one of the biggest slums in

Sierra Leone, a home to nearly 11,000 people. There's barely any

running water here, any sanitation. This is where most people go to the

toilet or wash their clothes. This place is extraordinary for all the

wrong reasons. Thousands of the poorest of this country's people

crammed into tiny shacks, like this family. Hello. I'm John. One, two,

three, four, five, six, seven - there's eight. Eight. Eight of you.

Without being disrespectful, this is basically the size of a small

garden shed. You wouldn't want to spend a night here let alone all

your life. This hut is on the edge of a sewage-filled river that

regularly floods, so it is hard to comprehend how they have managed to

survive these conditions. It turns out they haven't. Five children

have been lost to preventable illnesses by living here.

TRANSLATION: Some of them died of pneumonia and the others malaria.

Because we don't have the money, we could not afford the proper

medicines, so they died. How old.

TRANSLATION: One-year-old, one year six months, three months, four

months, five months. With everything that has happened to you,

do you still have hope for your family? Yes. I still have hope

because I am still alive. I may be one day, one of our kids will

succeed and will help us -- and maybe one day, one of our kids will

succeed and will help us all. children are battling to survive

here. Your money has already paid for water taps to be installed.

There is a much bigger problem. At this moment in time, there's 18

toilets that work here. There's 10,900 people living here. That's

an incomprehensible dilemma that we just don't face. But her

granddaughter has to face it every You can see why. Can you imagine

asking your 11-year-old daughter to go to a toilet into the river? I

have come here to learn something. I wasn't expecting anything like

this. She is a beautiful 11-year- old girl. Someone's daughter. She

has to face this cesspit every day. What are your worries for the

You lost your sister? And you worry No kid in the world should be

worrying about dying. Kids at home worry about whether they have got

the right trainers on. This is life and death. They have to hope, but

you can provide the help. Please call 03457 910 910. Thank you.

Thank you. �40 gets fresh, clean water to

hundreds of families as we can provide a tap in the slums. That

means you are helping thousands of people with �40, not often you can

say that. Please call 03457 910 910. Now, can he do it? This is part two

of the Frank Skinner Dipping Challenge. He has had eight weeks

of training. He's faced his biggest fear. But can Frank Skinner swim 25

metres for Sport Relief? His time has come. Welcome to this very

special Sport Relief Challenge where we are hopefully going to see

Frank Skinner swim the 25 metres of this pool. He is terrified. We have

a crowd. We have cameras. We need our man. Please welcome Frank

Skinner and Team Skinner. APPLAUSE How you doing? I'm... You are

shaking? I am. A am -- I am nervous. Do you think you are going to do

this? I have to do it. I'm going to try my best. I don't know if I'm

going to do it. So everybody has their Everest and this is yours?

whole life, when people say to me, "What are you frightened of?" Some

people have to think about it. I say water. It has always been the

bogey man. This is, for me, personally, and I am not comparing

this to the great Sport Relief Challenges, but to me this is

difficult. Good luck. I will let you get in and take your time.

Cheers. Thank you. Come on, Frank. You can do it. Make me proud.

Come on. APPLAUSE Let's go with the Sport Relief Challenge. On your

A good start. A good leg kick. He needs to keep the leg kick going

and stay relaxed. His back end is starting to sink. That is about

keeping those legs going and that arm out in front, staying relaxed.

When he starts to get nervous, his arms start going a bit quick.

this a worrying time? It is, when his right arm starts to sink. He

needs to get that arm out of the water. Stretching out, that is

better. He is getting his arm out better. Come on, Frank. Come on!

He's done it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on! Well done!

Thank you very much. Unbelievable. How absolutely

brilliant. Guess what? The man is here. It is the hero of the pool,

Mr Frank Skinner. Well done. Frank, marvellous. What

an effort? Has it sunk in? Can you smell the chlorine? It has sunk in.

I feel a bit emotional now. Yeah, I really - March 23rd has been in my

mind for a couple of months, not just because of it is the fabulous

Sport Relief Day, but it is like D- Day. I looked at my phone today and

I thought it is March 23rd and I'm not going to be able to do it. That

moment when I touched the wall was... You DID do it! Things are

about to get better. You are going to get that swimming badge now.

There it is, attached to your shorts... Come on! What a moment.

Massive congratulations. Look at that. Look at it! APPLAUSE Massive

congratulations. You can keep your England caps! Eat your heart out

John Bishop! He swam a length! Sorry. Time for another Sport

Relief treat, the brilliant cast of Outnumbered, outnumbering Frank

So what's your name? Karen. Um, we should be on our way shortly.

I just won this in a competition Hmm, right.

'Yeah. No, no, no, she's fine. She's got Frank Lampard.

Right. Well, in case...she does

Excuse me. You're Yes. I'm a massive fan.

Thank you. To Jake, please. Jake? I'm also a big fan. Thank you.

because Mum likes to seeing Anton use her as a big floor mop. Oh.

Could you make one more to Dino, please? OK, yeah. Thank you.

So you're here supporting your other- half? I am. Oh, Adrian Chiles?

Oh, no, no.

Adrian and I work together loads but, no, we're not married.

Christine is engaged to Frank Lampard, who is a very lucky man.

Why, thank you. He's not that lucky.

That goal against Germany was way over the line.

Dad called the ref a Nazi stooge. I...I didn't.

I, um... Do you want to see him goose-stepping across the room? Ben!

Um, Christine, could I have one more, please?

Well, all I know is that last weekend I heard my dad shouting

that you had missed a goal that my granny could have scored.

We all miss the occasional easy one.

It must've been really easy because- my granny's got a plastic hip.

Well, we still won the game. And I made both the goals.

Well, that's nothing to boast about.

You just need a few bits of wood and a big net.

No, no, I didn't mean... Anyone can make a goal.

No, I meant, you know, I... That's just DIY. I meant I... Karen!

Karen, try not to talk to Mr Lampard too much

cos he's trying to focus on a big game.

This is my mum, she fancies you. No, I don't.

Oh, my... My god! Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. I've got some arnica in here.

Excuse me, madam. I'm sorry. Yes.

I'm sor... Karen, really, a lot of big game pressure.

Yeah, I know all about big game pressure.

I play netball for the school.

Madam, if you could. Yes, of course. I'm sorry. (Zip it.)

Football's much harder than netball.

Actually this is a real coincidence

because my daughter is Frank's mascot today.

Really? Oh, gosh, she won't forget that in a hurry. No.

And neither will he(!)

Christine, could I have two more, please?

One to Mikey with a Y and one to Josh.

OK. Do you know what would make Dancing on Ice even better?

What would that be? You were really great in that.

Oh, thank you. If they had like these really thin patches of ice

that the skaters would have to avoid. So like they're just skating along

and suddenly they plummet through the ice like - BANG!

Oh. Or giant, angry walruses.

Um...

Netball is so much harder than football,

because in netball the net is really small

and only just big enough to fit the ball through.

Whereas in football, the net

is like about 20,000 times bigger than the ball.

It's not 20,000... The goals are huge,

but you should know, you make them.- No, I don't. I...

Also in netball, the net is really high up off the ground.

It hasn't got a huge goalie guarding it, has it?

Well, Amy Harrison's nearly six feet tall.

Or a polar bear.

Yeah, all right, we'll call it six quid. She's still talking to him?

It hunts the skaters across the ice. Hmm.

That's what the TV people call jeopardy. Well, stop her.

You've got to stop her.

I think a polar bear might pose a few health and safety issues.

Stop her. Um, Christine, now could I have five, please,

to no-one in particular?

Are you selling these? Well, Christine,

these are actually part of my business start-up project

for this term's economics module.

But you are selling them?

I can cut you in. No, stop her. Narwhals...

just like spearing up through the ice and the skater,

maybe impaling someone.

Football is definitely harder than netball, isn't it, lads?

ALL: Yes.

Well, of course you'd all say that.- Karen!

Have any of them played netball? I have. I'm quite good.

Karen, stop it!

In netball... Sorry, everybody. Stop it!

Most footballers have nicknames, don't they? Do you have one?

No.

Well, I'm sure my dad called you something when you missed that goal.

KAREN SIGHS

It'll come to me in a second.

70/30? No. 60/40? She's not still?!

My final offer. No, really, I can't so that.

All right, 50/50. Does Frank ever get nervous before games?

Um, yeah, yeah, a bit. What if I give a percentage to charity?

No, honestly, that... I just. When he gets nervous, does he throw up?

Because that's what I do when I get nervous. Oh, right.

I'm feeling a bit nervous now.

Right. Oh, there's a friend of mine over there!

Um, I'm just going to go and catch up with her.

60/40 and you can choose the charity.

Oh. Excuse me, Christine, this is my wife.

When Frank gets nervous,

does a huge vein start throbbing behind his left ear?

What's that armband?

Is it a fashion thing? It means I'm captain.

So you're in charge?

Does that mean that if you lose, the newspapers will all blame YOU?

I bet it does. Especially if you miss another EASY one.

They'll probably stick your face on a picture of a vegetable.

Frank, the ref doesn't have a mascot.

He does now.

So you're the ref.

Um, yeah.

And are you feeling confident?

He

He then

He then punches

He then punches the fourth official, he swallows his own whistle and

just to round the day off, his APPLAUSE

Great stuff. Now from one Frank to another, here is Frank Skinner to

introduce this next film. There's been a fair bit of swimming in

Sport Relief, from Strictly Come Dancing Underwater, to David

Walliams' swim up the Thames, to me overcoming a phobia. Gary and his

wife have visited a project in Bangladesh where teaching kids to

swim is literally a matter of life We are here in Bangladesh to visit

a brilliant project that is supported by Sport Relief. In the

UK, most of us learn to swim at an early age, whether it is just for

fun or for sport. Here, it is a skill that can quite literally save

your life. Every single day in Bangladesh 50 children die from

drowning and when the monsoon season hits this part of the world,

severe flooding means that families have their whole lives washed-away.

For this mother, it's a reality that she knows all too well. She

lost her eldest son only a year ago. He was 11 years old. She wanted to

Can your other son, he can swim Thank you so much for talking to us.

It really is very brave of you. We have to make sure that your other

It happened over there. Just in their own back garden, really.

can't imagine... She is racked with guilt as well. They were just there

playing and... Just fell in off his boat. Yeah. It is all over. So...

But it's not a one-off, though. 50 a day. In the time we were talking

to her, a child has died. Somewhere in Bangladesh. Crazy. Every day in

Bangladesh, 50 grieving mothers go through the same unimaginable pain

as Hosna. Help is at hand. Sport Relief funds a fantastic project

that teaches children to swim, a valuable skill that saves lives.

This inspiring scheme is helping to save the lives of hundreds of

children across Bangladesh. Today, Hosna will see her youngest son get

APPLAUSE The skills these kids are learning

are saving lives every day. There is still thousands of children

across Bangladesh at risk that need your help. 18,000 children die

every year here through drowning. It is the leading cause of child

death in Bangladesh. Tonight, your money can help pay for swimming

lessons that could help save a child's life. So please, please

give what you can. Call 03457 910 910.

I have been there and seen it. It is properly amazing what they are

doing there. You can help kids learn to swim because �5 is all it

takes to teach one. So it is simple - �50 means ten kids learn to swim.

Pick up the phone and call. Call 03457 910 910. In April, keep your

eyes open for The Big Splash. Frank Skinner will be doing it! That is

it from us two. Before we hand over to Dermot O'Leary and Davina McCall,

we should just have a look at the first totaliser of the evening. Are

we ready? AUDIENCE: Yes! I need more than

that! Here we go. Let's see how generous you have been. Let's

countdown - five, four, three, two, MUSIC: Firework

By Katy Perry That's amazing. Incredible. You are

fantastic. Thank you so much. That is a life-changing amount. So thank

you. Absolutely. You have been amazing. Please keep being amazing.

There's so much good stuff to come. Stay with us. Keep calling in and

give what you can. Donate right now and you can sit back and enjoy the

rest of the show. Thank you very much for watching our bit. Stay

tuned, there! Don't move. Bye. Here for Sport Relief, it is Davina

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Sport Relief! Hello! Come on,

Sport Relief! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, you

wonderful people. What an unbelievable start to the show!

CHEERING Sensational! What a way to kick-off the biggest Sport Relief

ever - great comedy, great music and a fantastic-looking audience!

APPLAUSE You know who you are! Fantastic-looking audience. You

know who you are! And purely from an expert's perspective, the

dancing at the top of the show was incredible. Oh yeah! I'm quite

surprised you didn't fancy a dance yourself, with The X Factor and

everything? No. No, no, no. Never crossed my mind. Absolutely not.

Really? Well... Fleetingly! Yes. You rehearsed the routine? Yes, I

have. Go on then, D. Thank you, Davina. CHEERING No, no, no really,

don't! OK, five, six, seven, No, no, no. Was it too much? Too

much? No. Not right. Enough of that. Was it? Sorry, Holly, sorry Tilly.

Let's take a look at some of the treats we have got coming up.

great action to come on Sport Relief. Miranda Hart throws up a

comedy treat. JLS perform the Sport Relief single

live. A sporty QI. I loved your

impersonation of backstroke, Stephen! And live music from Snow

Patrol. All still to come on Sport Relief. APPLAUSE Listen, this year,

we have been spoilt with a plethora... Nice word!

unbelievable Sport Relief Challenges. John Bishop... Legend.

Survived his extraordinary week of hell. Helen Skelton, conquered the

South Pole... Goddess. And they are all going to be here later on.

time for a man who I can call a hero, a man who went the extra mile

for Sport Relief and then went 139 more. I'm talking none other than

His Royal Astoundingness Sir David of Walliams. Before we meet this

super human being, let us take a look at how he took on the beast

that is the River Thames and won. chose the Thames because I thought

it would be an amazing challenge. I know people like to see people off

the TV suffer! Argh! It is two degrees lower than the Channel. He

will have to survive that for 140 miles. It depletes you when it is

freezing cold. Don't worry about the shivering, it is natural.

body is out of control. I wee in my wetsuit! It is so gruelling. It is

like I'm going to vomit. That is one tired and sick man. Bodies are

not meant to do this much swimming day after day. It is just constant

pain now. Amazing. He is the most remarkable man. Tremendous.

There's only two words for him - "phen" and "omenal"! Ladies and

gentlemen, we give you Sport Relief's very own Super Mer-Man,

David Walliams. I like your dancing. We liked it

too much! My kids would hate it. David, the equivalent of seven

English Channels. What were you thinking? Why did I do it? I

thought it would not be as hard as it was. I thought it would be

flowing towards London. I need to lie there and it will take me. It