Part 1 Sport Relief

Part 1

Sport Relief 2012 is bigger than ever before. This year's event, in a great year for British sport, brings together the biggest stars and TV brands in a huge celebration.

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Are you ready?! Sport Relief is back. It's funnier. More


entertaining. Strictly is going underwater.


They're a boy band from Benidorm. It's sportier. It's louder.


And it's downright sexier than ever before.


And kicking things off tonight, please welcome your hosts, Gary


Lineker and Claudia Winkleman! Well, it's loud in here! I know, my


little ears. Your ears?! Please, please. Here we go. Good evening


everyone and welcome to Sport Relief 2012! Hello. This evening


promises to be amazing. We have got funny stuff, sporty stuff, funny


sporty stuff, some brilliant music, plus a few surprises. We also have


some remarkable and moving films about people who you can really


help tonight. Before all of that, please go nuts for LMFAO, featuring


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds


# And we gon' make you # We just want to see


# Get up, get down # Put your hands up


# Get up, put down # And we gon' make you


# Everybody just have # When I walk on by, girls be


# This is how I roll, animal print # And like Bruce Leroy


# When I walk in the spot # Everybody stops


# I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it


# # Show it, show it, show it


# I'm sexy and I know it


# I'm sexy and I know it


# When I'm at the mall, security just can't fight them off


# Do the wiggle man


# Yeah, I'm sexy and I know it










Thank you


Thank you guys.


Thank you guys. That


Thank you guys. That was a lot of people having a very good time in


their pants, but tonight is not just about semi-clad celebrities,


although there is a little bit of that. More about that indeed later.


This evening is all about raising money, so please, please do make a


donation because you can really change people's lives. In return,


we will try and give you the show of your lives, to explain why


tonight is so important, let's hand over to Mr Swoon, David Beckham.


Your support over the years has helped uz change lives here in the


UK and all over the world. But there's a lot more we can do. Take


a look at this film. It's why we are here tonight.


So many kids in here, they're all not well.


It's the most appalling thing I have ever seen.


A lot of -- little kids shouldn't be doing this. Even now I don't


understand why he can't come back. My biggest hope is that a child is


strong enough to run and love. like looking at a ghost of somebody


that used to be there, he is rocking and crying. She is a


beautiful 11-year-old girl and has to face this every day. Welcome to


It's impossible for any parent to not be here and have your your


heart ripped out. It's unimaginable that any child


Today you could change someone's Every pound you give tonight will


be be spent here in the UK or the world's poor he is countries.


Tonight you can change lives. Together we can change lives.


Please call 03457 910 910. Thank you.


We know times are tough and you have been truly astonishing in your


support so far, but please could you be truly astonishing one more


time? Your help and kindness is desperately needed. It couldn't be


simpler. The number is 03457 910 910. Please pick up the phone and


give what you can spare. Standard geographic charges from landlines


and mobiles will apply. You can also donate on the web. Go to

:09:04.:09:07. Relief. Or take your money to any bank, building


society or local post office and also write a cheque made payable to


Sport Relief. And send it to: We would also love it if would you


let us claim Gift Aid and to explain more, please welcome one of


the biggest names in international sport. For years he was rarely off


the front and back pages. Then he suddenly disappeared, leaving us


wondering where where he had vanished to. We managed to track


him down. Please welcome fresh from his holidays, former England


manager Fabio Capello. APPLAUSE.


Hello, Fabio. You look marvellous. Tell the group where have you been?


Well, I have... LAUGHTER. I have been on my vacation holidays,


classy, we go to Magaluf, larging it up big time. Saveloy. What can


you do? I wanted to come back to England to say thank you and


goodbye and no hard feelings, things like that.


No hard feelings whatsoever. Of course, you also want to explain


Gift Aid to us. That's true, strangely big-eared fella. When you


phone up tonight and ask if you want to claim Gift Aid on your


donation make sure that you say yes. This means the taxman fella give


extra 25p of every single pound you donating tonight. OK. What you are


saying, if you like, is the cocktail is like the �1 and the


Gift Aid is the 25p cherry on top? Yes, if you like, beautiful dark-


haired Bonnie lady. Now I am going and never coming back. Thank you so


much. Thank you very much. Fabio Capello! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.


Great stuff. He will be missed. Much missed. We have an absolute


jam-packed night lined up for you, including things like this. Coming


up on Sport Relief: Ballroom dancing goes to new depths.


Strictly is going underwater. sailor! Miranda gets to grips with


the heavyweights. I think you have been eating too many crisps. Some


Absolutely Fabulous comedy. This is Kate. Who in the world doesn't


though who you are? The amount of time you have been around. Frank


and Christine get The Outnumbered treatment. This is my mum, she


fancies you. No, I don't! England football stars take on the omelette


challenge. This is the first omelette I have ever tasted that's


burnt on the outside and raw in the middle. Hopefuls from Benidorm on


Britain's Got Talent. Who are you? Lost Chorizo. Music from JLS, Emily


Sande and Snow Patrol and so much more.


Don't miss a single second. Please, please stay with us. We all know


the best bit about Saturday mornings is Saturday Kitchen.


Sorry. The best bit about Saturday Kitchen is the omelette challenge.


Correct. And the best bit about Sport Relief is when we asked the


England football team to take on this culinary battle and they said.


I'm in Watford, at the HQ as they prepare


But for some of the players, they face their ultimate test today -


it's the Saturday Kitchen Sport Relief Omelette Challenge.


Theo Walcott is lightning quick with a football,


but will he be as fast with an omelette pan?


Glen Johnson - a no-nonsense defender,


but can he tackle this basic recipe?


Robert Green - unbeatable in goal,


but will he be able to beat those eggs into shape?


And Scott Parker - a natural leader on the pitch,


but can he take command at the hobs?


OK, guys, thanks for joining us.


The rules of the game are very simple.


A three-egg omelette, cooked as fast as you can.


The clock stops when the omelette hits the plate,


it starts when I blow the whistle.


This is two semi-finals to start off with,


and then a final, the winner of which will win this coveted prize -


the Saturday Kitchen Sport Relief Omelette Challenge trophy.


Scott Parker, Glen Johnson, I want you to go first.


Robert Green, Theo Walcott, you're second.


Are you feeling confident? No. No?


When was the last time you made an omelette.


This is the first time, mate. Right, OK. Scott, what about you?


You're looking confident. Yeah, looks... Yeah, not really. No!


Right, three eggs. Be careful of the shells. Are you ready?


Three, two, one...




There's a lot of shell in that. There's a bit of shell in it.


You're done, you're done, you're done, go, go, go!


Bit of this, now, a touch of that. A bit of this.


He's chucked a bit of salt in! Why is the butter going brown?!


Don't go too hard on it, just gently, gently.


It's looking good for your first omelette, though.


Remember, it's got to be a cooked omelette.


Glen, I think that's dead, you can put it on the plate, now.


I need a spatula!


There you go.


Yeah, well, it's not bad.






This is where we get to taste these things.


How do you feel about this, do you think you could have improved it?


Yeah, just a bit.


Quite a lot of salt, isn't it? Right, let's have a look on here.


This is the first omelette I've ever tasted


that burnt on the outside and raw in the middle.


Scott Parker, you did it in one minute, ten seconds.


Glen Johnson, you did it in one minute...and one second.


Which means you go through to the final.


I'll take that. Take that one.


When was the last time you made an omelette? Erm, about a week ago.


A week ago? A Spanish omelette.


A Spanish omelette. He's thinking of recipes now.


Robert, and you? I ain't got a cooker.


You haven't even got a cooker? Do you know what that is?


It's hot.


Three, two, one...




Not a good start, there, Theo, is it?


No, it's not great, it's not great.


Get it in the pan, Theo. I don't want to yet. That's not working.


The concentration on your face, Robert.


I'm all over this. This is looking decent.


A bit of cheese on there to tempt the judge?


Oh, we've got an omelette there. That's it.




It's done.


Shall we taste this one first?


Tastes really good as well, quite nutty.


With the cheese in there it tastes not too bad, nicely seasoned.


Theo Walcott, quick on your feet,


not so quick with your hands, are you? No, no.




Robert, I think in the final you might have to speed up,


but you are through,


you did it in one minute, 12 seconds.


Still, pretty respectable time. So there you have it.


The final, Robert Green versus Glen- Johnson. Let the battle commence.


OK, guys, this is it, this is the final.


Glen Johnson and Robert Green, over here, let's go for it now.


This means a lot to the nation. Are you ready?


Three, two, one...




You're getting quicker now you're on your second one.


I'm used to this.


Swirl the butter around the pan, get it in as quickly as possible.


Swirl it around, stop it from sticking, straight in.


This is the thing. Both level pegging at this point.


Have you just switched his gas off?




You just switched his gas off!


I don't mind foul play, but turning- his heat off is another thing.


That's it, I still think you can beat him, just draw the eggs away.




A bit of a round of applause, there. Two decent omelettes.




This is a pretty good omelette. Better than your first attempt.


Could do with a little bit more seasoning.


Glen. Choose a good bit. It all looks pretty good to me.


Unfortunately, what you did was inexcusable, with the gas,


so for that, you're getting a straight red.


A straight red for that, which means our winner,


with a time of one minute, 25 seconds, you are the winner


of the Saturday Kitchen Sport Relief Omelettes Challenge of 2012.


Glen Johnson, you are our champion.




How does it feel to win a competition such as this,


and to win something as exclusive


as our trophy that you are holding there?


It's fantastic.


It's the first trophy I've ever won cooking an omelette,


so I'm over the moon.


Commiserations, Robert. Commiserations to our runners-up.


But congratulations, ladies and gentlemen, go to Glen Johnson.




Top effort.


Top effort. Toll


Top effort. Toll done Glen Johnson and good luck to England in the


euros and we take this opportunity to wish Fabrice Muamba a fast and


full recovery. APPLAUSE. Now 50% of the money you donate


tonight will be spent right here in the UK on a project near you.


Billie Piper went to meet a family in Norwich who really needed help.


Mark was killed in a motorbike accident and his family's life was


torn apart. What things did you used to do with your dad? We liked


going swimming. Keen swimmers. liked going on trampoline with


daddy. We got on his back and he jumped.


Rough and tumble. I miss playing games with him and going out


together. Mark's wife Louise didn't just have to cope with her own


grief, but also face up to life as a single parent and guide three


vulnerable little girls through their own heartache and sadness.


Any of the girls will say why can't he just give me one more kiss? Why


can't he say goodbye to me? Even now they want him to come back.


They don't understand why he can't Georgie, Ashley and Serena will


never forget their dad. But your money can help support them as they


used to life without him. The best thing that's taken them away to


places is that they meet other children in the same situation. I


think that helped the girls a lot. This project, supported by Sport


Relief, helps bereaved children and parents work through their pain


together. I have been here today and witnessed firsthand how


important these organisations are and how much they help.


I am lighting a candle for my dad. I miss him lots and lots. I am


lighting my candle for my dad, and Your money really does make a


difference and is helping to Please call now. Your money will


help support children like Georgie, Ashley and Serena. 03457 910 910.


Or go online and give what you can. Thank you.


It's heart-breaking stuff but you can see that project really does


help those little girls and their mum come to terms with their loss.


�30 buys a counselling session for three children, �180 pays for a


child to go to a residential camp like the one we have seen T really


works, it really makes a difference. Help us to help them. Please call


03457 910 910. Or donate online. Now a huge well


done to all the brilliant kids out there who have been doing fantastic


things raising all sorts of money for Sport Relief. To find out more


we sent Football Focus's Dan Walker on a mission with a help from two


of the biggest footballing superstars.


Most dedicated fundraisers can be found in thousands of schools,


they've been getting active and raising mountains of cash for Sport


Relief. What we thought we would do is come to one of those


superschools and give them a treat that will hopefully they'll never


forget. I have been sent here to say thank you to all of you for the


money you have raised. As a reward we are going to take you on a


special school trip. Little do they know but I am about


to take them to Manchester United's training ground to meet two genuine


football stars, Wayne Rooney and Hello, we've heard all the stuff


So we're here, me and Wayne, If we lose, there's going


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds


If we lose, there's going A massive thank you to all the kids


at Harris Primary School and to Dan and Rio and Wayne and thanks to all


the school children who have run the mile today. You are brilliant!


While we are on the subject, if you haven't entered the mile on Sunday


look at our website. Now it's time, it's Strictly Come Dancing


They fought the battle for the Now, at the world-famous


Harry and Chelsee dance head to head


like you've never seen them before.


This is Strictly Come Dancing Underwater...


for Sport Relief.




Hello, and welcome to this very special edition


of Strictly Come Dancing.


This is, quite frankly, one of the most bonkers things


we have ever attempted for Sport Relief.


Strictly is going underwater.


We have built our very own ballroom


and submerged it into that tank


and in just a moment, our couples will dance


on that very watery stage.


They've filmed scenes from Pirates Of The Caribbean


and James Bond IN that tank.


Talking of suave, sophisticated leading men,


here's four who certainly won't be shaken or stirred.


It's the Strictly judges! Wey-hey-hey!




Please welcome Craig Revel Horwood,- Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli


and our special guest judge - it's Olympic swimmer


and former Strictly contestant, Mark Foster!




Ahoy there, boys. Yes.


Ahoy. You all look so sweet. You look about seven.


Aw. Len...if I can call you Captain- Len? Captain Len? Yes, please.


What are you expecting? And how excited are you?


It's got to be very difficult.Well, Claudia, I am truly excited.


This is a unique experience for me.


50 years of judging ballroom dancing, and here I am,


four men in a punt, getting ready to watch this, and I can't wait.


I don't know what to expect, but I'm hoping it'll be gorgeous.


I've got a feeling it'll be gorgeous. Me too.


Bruno, how challenging is it going to be?


I know we're all here for Sport Relief, but when Chelsee and Harry


have got to walk down those stairs and dance - quite hard.


Oh, it's incredibly hard, becauseyou have the resistance of the water,


so every shape you make and every thing you do,


you have to calculate the resistance of the water.


Mark knows all about it.


But there is the weightlessness as well, so if you're clever,


you can use the weightlessness the water gives you


to do fantastic, smooth shapes, so there are pros and cons,


but I'm sure it's going to be amazing. OK.


Craig, I know you're normally but this is for Sport Relief and..,


Oh, a smile! ..and they are under water. Are you excited in any way?


I am excited. I'm looking forward to- it going horribly wrong, darling!




Now, Mark, you know more than the judges.


How difficult will it be to move under that much water?


It's a massive tank. It's not like they're in a puddle. No, no, no.


It's incredibly different from doing it on land.


Like Bruno said, you've got resistance.


Also, when you do movement under water, you do get out of breath,


so they'll be looking for breath as well.


They've got mouthpieces, but it'll be far different from on land. OK.


First up, it's Strictly champions Harry and Aliona,


but before they put the motion in YOUR ocean,


let's see how they got on in training.


BRUCE FORSYTH: Harry and Aliona!


Winning Strictly was absolutely amazing.


So, when we were asked to do Strictly Underwater,


we jumped at the opportunity.


When I arrived here this morning at Pinewood, at the underwater studio,


I felt like I was filming the new Bond movie.


Got in the water, got the equipment on, went straight to the bottom!


If you could play the James Bond theme music whilst I'm under there,


that would be really cool.


And then we started doing the ballroom dancing.


Moving through water is a lot harder.


It's like moving through treacle.


You can't really communicate either.- You're just doing this...


I think Aliona's a Viking -


her dancing powers are taken away when she's under water. No!


Water's her kryptonite.


Training for the series, you'd do 8, 10 hours a day. On Strictly,


dancing under water, we've managed about three today,


because it's a lot more strenuous. Stop eating chocolate.


We don't have much time. The routine is not set,


so we're going to have to work really hard tomorrow.


Panicking yet? A bit.


Dancing for Sport Relief, Harry Judd and Aliona Vilani!


# Standing on the edge of forever


# At the start of whatever


# Shouting love at the world


# We will meet you where the lights are


# The defenders of the faith we are


# Where the thunder turns around


# They'll run so hard we'll tear the ground away


# Although no-one understood


# We were holding back the flood


# Learning how to dance the rain


# We were holding back the flood


# They said we'd never dance again


# Although no-one understood


# There was more of them than us


# Learning how to dance the rain


# We were holding back the flood


# They said we'd never dance again


# Oh whoa, oh whoa


# Oh whoa, oh whoa... #






There you are.


Absolutely amazing.


Gobsmackingly clever girl.


Guys, do you want robes? Do you...?


No, thank you. Argh!


Massive congratulations. It looked brilliant.


Thank you. And beautiful. How did it feel?


It felt amazing. Yeah? Very different than on land.


We are all... I mean, you took our breath away. Harry, how was it?


It was good fun. Loved it, really good. OK. Let's go to the judges.


Our lovely guest judge, Mark, how did they cope?


I think they're absolutely fantastic. Absolutely brilliant.


Is there anything you can't do? Both of you?


It was absolutely phenomenal.


The shapes you make in the water,you were like Happy Feet down there.


In a good way! Bruno, what did you think?


Hello, Sailor!


I don't know why, but I have this sudden urge, I want to dive in!


I really do. Slick and streamlined.


Truly a wonder down under.


The shapes were beautiful. Both ofyou were like a marvel of the abyss.


Loved it. OK.


Thank you for your comments. Craig, what did you think?


Well, you both took the plunge,darling, and it actually paid off.


Elegant, liquid, clean lines. Loved it.


I felt waves of emotion, darling,


especially when you went into that wonderful double-attitude turn.


That looked absolutely incredible.


You then followed that into the fish lift,


which I thought was completely appropriate.


And the upper-body strength, Aliona,


you demonstrated under water,


a one-arm press. Absolutely brilliant.


Eau-de-licious, darlings.


Fantastic comments there. Next judge - Captain Len.


The movement and the lifts were beautiful.


They say that 80% of alllife in the world is under water,


and you were full of life.


Well done. Aw. Thank you so much.


Are you very happy with the judges'- comments? I'm truly happy.


They were beautiful. It must have been an extraordinary experience,


and then to come out and have the Revel Horwood be nice.


It's just a double joy.


I've never seen him so nice. It's quite a shock.


But no, amazing comments. Thank you very much. OK.


Judges, I believe your scores, please.


Will the judges please reveal their scores? Mark Foster.


Bruno Tonioli.


Happy with that? Happy. OK. Good. OK.


That's the end of part one. But that was a drop in the ocean...


I can't help myself! ..because coming up in part two,


we'll see Chelsee and Pasha brave the waters.


But is Chelsee out of her depth? See you in part two!


And remember, keep... Do this with me. ..diving!






I apologise


I apologise by


I apologise by the way for everything I did there, but they


were beautiful dancing underwater and do you not want to miss the


second part. Please stay tuned to see Chelsee and Pasha's performance.


When Sport Relief asked me and my wife Danielle to visit Bangladesh


last year we thought we knew what to expect. We didn't.


This 100 acre rubbish dump is a mess of human, animal and


industrial waste. And unbelievably it's also a place


The stench for a start, it's just inhumane that people


trying to find scraps and bits of plastic or whatever,


just to exist, basically.


The most appalling thing I think I've ever seen.


Welcome to Hell.


Yet forhundreds of desperately poor children,


scavenging other people's unwanted rubbish to sell is the only way they can survive.


You can imagine some of the stuff that's in here - medical waste,


needles - it's just so dangerous. So dangerous.


No human being should go through this, let alone small children.


Children like eight-year-old Mahabu. He's worked here his whole life.


He doesn't go to school. And he's in constant danger.


For Mahabu, working here is a life sentence.


They're like four and five, these kids.


They should be starting school now.


and they're here, just sifting through filth.


They're even picking it up andeating it, because they're starving.


Just think every kid's entitled to a childhood.


Sport Relief wants to reach out to kids like Mahabu,


to get them into schools, and educated,


so they never have to work in a place like this.


It's just harrowing, it's horrific. And it's got to stop.


It costs just �10 to send one ofthese children to school for a month.


They get education, books, and a uniform.


A tenner, for a future.


What's he, three years old, this little one?


Off to work. Off to work, yeah.


But we can't change this without your money.


So to all the mums, to all the parents, please think of these kids


when you're feeding your own child tonight or tucking them into bed.


Please help us make a change.


Please pick up your phones - and do it now, while you can see this.


We can make a real difference. We can change it.


Please be the shoulder these kids can lean on.




I can't


I can't tell


I can't tell you how bad it is there. The stench has remained with


me almost and it's something neither of us will ever, ever


forget. We have got to do something about it. In Bangladesh �10 gets


one of those children an education for a month. �120 will buy them a


whole year in school. It's school which will give them a future,


school will get them away from that filthy place. Tonight you really


have the power to change children's lives. Please use it. 03457 910 910.


Time for a high-flying thank you, courtesy of new cabin crew member


Mr Alan Carr. Put your chair in the upright


Life jackets are available under your seat in case of an emergency.


Shame they don't come in other colours.




Please watch this short video while we carry out our final checks.


Our wonderful staff have risen to the challenge


and have been busy raising money for Sport Relief


over the last 12 months as part of their Flying Start campaign.


They've been pulling together,


and everyone deserves a massive thank-you


for putting in so much effort.


Thank you, thank you, thank you!


And a special thanks to all you customers


for raising so much money - you're all gorgeous.


Right, I'm just going to go and see if the captain needs anything.




Uncanny. Let's


Uncanny. Let's see


Uncanny. Let's see how much the staff and customers of British


Airways have raised. Wow, look at that!


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Well done and thank you! Thank you very much.


Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. OK. What's got fast hands, fast


feet, and fast wits? But is still really terribly horrible? Amir


Khan? Jermaine Defoe? And Stephen Fry in Horrible Histories?


Hello, and welcome to this special Now, all modern sports


a game of which Mary, Queen of Scots was an enormous fan.


Indeed, after her execution, Mary's headless body was wrapped


in a billiard table's cloth.


Billiards developed from an outdoor game played on grass.


Boxing also took place on turf


till the Marquess of Queensberry Rules were introduced in 1867.


That's not the only thing that'schanged about boxing over the years.


Hello. Welcome to Historical Boxing. We are ring-side,


and what a line-up we have for you this evening. Steve?


That's right. Tonight, defending his Historical boxing title,


we have Olympic medal winner and world-class fighter Amir Khan.


That's right. And just last week,


Amir took on Ancient Greek Damoxenus,


who uses a vicious mix of boxing and wrestling,


known as pancratia. Let's remind ourselves how he got on.


I'm going to jab you in the ribs with my sharpened fingernail


and pull out your innards. I'm going to pull out your belly, yeah?


I'm going to do a little dance on your guts.


I'm going to do go skipping with your...


It's cold in here, innit?


No, not Damoxenus's finest hour, Steve.


I know, that was barely a minute. Dreadful.


So let's see how our next contender gets on.


All the way from Georgian England,


it's naval boxing champion, Able Seaman Bob.


Darn rigging! That's a funny-looking bottle of rum


you've got there, boy.


It's not rum. It's energy drink. Which one of you said that?


I can't fight him. Don't worry, laddie. I'll go easy on you!




Ooh! Whoa! Wait now! What are you doing?


I'm boxing. Oh, no, we're going to box properly.


Like Georgian sailors. Terry! What on earth's going on, Steve?


Well, John, bored Georgian sailors stuck in harbour


would indulge in something called milling.


Basically, they would sit straddling sea chests,


be covered in chains to stop them moving,


and then beat the living daylights out of each other.


I've never seen that before. It must be on pay per view.




Oi! Bagsie me first shot.


Whoa! Oh!


Well, the good news for Amir is that, with Bob out like a light,


victory is once again his. And what's the bad news, John?


He's dribbling on me.


He's dribbling on him. He's dribbling.


And on the subject of dribbling - of a far more attractive kind -


we turn to football,


which wasn't always the beautiful game.


Referees weren't introduced until 1891.


Just imagine the game before then. There'd be no-one to hurl abuse at.


Way back in Tudor times, football was really violent.


Well, I'm delighted to be joined by a player often described as


being to football what Jermain Defoe is to football -


it's Jermain Defoe.


So, Jermain, big match in prospect today.


I believe this is the first time you've faced the Tudors? Who?!


The Tudors? From the Tudor era? What?! OK, here they come now.




So, Ken, how are the Tudors feeling about the match today?


Pretty excited. The whole village has turned out today, so...


Great. Great to have so much support.


They're not supporters. They're playing. The entire village?


That's right. In Tudor football, the whole village


takes on the whole another village,


although, apparently, today we're going to play against two villages.


Tott and Ham. Tottenham? That's what I said, mate.


Nice to meet you, by the way. What number are you? 18.


Ah, right. I'm 316, he's 317, he's 318, and then we lost count.


We're playing classic football rules today.


Basically, as many men as you can muster.


You've got to kick the ball through the cemetery gates


at the opposing village.


It goes without saying - violence, foul play, bad language


are strictly encouraged.


Except, we can't use weapons? Health and safety gone mad.


I don't suppose this is the type of football


you're used to playing, Jermain. Nonsense!


Football is football! What position do you play? Striker.


I'm a striker too, and I'm going to strike you,


and I'm probably going to strike him


and I may head-butt him if I can reach him.


He may as well, cos he's a nutter.


I think we're just about to kick off now


because here comes the ref with the ball.




That's the ball?


Yeah, it's your classic inflated pig's bladder.


Ooh, sorry, there's still some blood on that.


From the pig?! No, from the last team we beat.


And when I say beat, I mean beat.




Leave it till the kick-off, Ken.


I want a good, clean game, but I'm told that's not going to happen


so I'm out of here. Good luck, Jermain!


Get him!






Thank you


Thank you Horrible


Thank you Horrible Histories. No one makes history more horrible


than you. What do your children want to do when they grow up? I bet


they have big dreams and plans. Lorraine Kelly went to Peru to meet


a little boy Jose, he has a dream, he wants to go to school so he has


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds


Ten-year-old Jose works with his OK. Jose and his family make about


1,000 of these in a day, would you believe. Of course, when he is


working here he is not at school. Do you know, I was just doing that


for about ten minutes and I am shattered. My hands are killing me.


Every single day, every single day that's the life. It's absolutely


horrendous. It really is. Absolutely horrendous. It's no way


to live at all. But there is an answer. Sport Relief is funding a


local project o that provides vital help for children like Jose, things


like books, uniforms and catch-up education classes. They even help


retrain parents to find better jobs so the whole family is supported to


get out of this horrible situation. But without that support children


like Jose are trapped. When you finish work how do you feel? It's


hard, it's really hard. What would you rather be doing?


What would be something that you really want to do? You want to be a


doctor. That's fantastic. That's really, really good.


But unless Jose gets a proper education he could well spend the


rest of his life working here. That wee soul is just ten years old,


his bones ache at night because he's so tired. He's working with


his bare hands and bare feet, it's just not right, it really isn't. I


mean... Little kids shouldn't be doing this. They should be at


school, he should be playing, having a proper life. It's not fair.


It's just not fair. Please help make life fairer for


children like Jose. Call 03457 910 910.


Or go online and give what you can. We desperately need to get teachers


for those children. A good teacher costs �100 a week. Please give


whatever you can. 03457 910 910. So far tonight we have already seen


Harry and Aliona perform under difficult conditions, but next to


take the plunge are Chelsee and Pasha. Goggles on, stand by, it's


time to jump back in the tank. Here is Strictly Come Dancing Underwater,


we've taken Strictly to new We've submerged our ballroom


Earlier, Strictly champions Harry and Aliona swapped


driving for diving, and made a splash with their amazing routine.


Here's a little reminder of how they got on.


Hello, Sailor!


Slick and streamlined. Truly a wonder down under.


Elegant, liquid. Clean lines. Loved it.


I felt waves of emotion, darling.


Absolutely phenomenal. The shapes you make. You were like Happy Feet!


You were full of life. Well done.


A very tough act to follow.


A very tough act to follow.


Next to take the Sport Relief plunge - it's Chelsee and Pasha!


Here they are in training.


I came second in Strictly Come Dancing,


and it'd be amazing to come home with a trophy this time.


We're here, taking our first steps in underwater dancing.


I'm dreading going in there. Dreading it.


Ooh! Don't like it!


I don't like going under water and opening my eyes.


No, I can't do it.


I'm freaked out a little now.


I'm trying to work my breathing out.


I'm so used to breathing through my nose.


It's weird getting used to breathing- through your mouth.


I think we're going through the hardest stage at this moment


because the main thing is for us to- get comfortable being under water.




It feels unnatural. I sometimes panic when I've been down there.


It's so uncomfortable and scary to be under water...


in a completely different environment.


I knew it was going to be hard, and it is hard for me.


I'm so proud of Chelsee.


I don't think I can do this.




Dancing under water - Chelsee Healey and Pasha Kovalev!


# Somewhere beyond the sea


# Somewhere waiting for me


# My lover stands on golden sands


# And watches the ships that go sailing


# Somewhere beyond the sea


# She's there watching for me


# If I could fly like birds on high


# Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing


# It's far beyond a star


# It's near beyond a moon


# I know beyond a doubt


# My heart will lead me there soon


# We'll meet beyond the shore


# We'll kiss just as before


# Happy we'll be beyond the sea


# And never again I'll go sailing... #




Are you all right, darling? Yes. That was pretty good.


Did you enjoy it?


It was amazing, yeah. It's really scary being down there,


but once you're down there and feel that you're breathing's going OK,


then yeah, it's an amazing feeling. I loved it.


Did you enjoy it, Pasha? Absolutely.


Everything went the way we planned,


and it's such a great feeling of freedom when you dance there.


Yeah. Was it?


Yeah. I can do the splits down there- and I can't on dry land!


It was a beautiful routine. Let's start with our guest judge.


Mark, how do you think these guys coped?


They had tables and chairs and champagne glasses, and everything.


At the beginning, we were talking, I hadn't seen any rehearsals,


but Chelsee was having problems getting under the water.


I thought you might clam up but you really were a STAR-fish.


You were fantastic. You did more movement than Harry.


You're amazing. Well done, sweetheart. Aw.


Bruno? Chelsee, you delicious and curvaceous little mermaid!


Enticing the seamen into your underwater kingdom! In fact,


there was a moment when you swam over, reaching for the camera,


it was pure Esther Williams!


It was great, my darling.


Fantastic job. That's the best compliment ever.


OK. Mr No-Longer-Grumpy And-Just-Full-Of-Joy,


Craig Revel Horwood.


Sorry to disappoint, but I thought the transitions


were slightly fishy.


They were just a little complex, I think.


It looked more like a shark attack in a feeding frenzy.


Ohh! No!


But, my darling, you did a million and one steps.


You kept in character the whole way through.


I love the use of props.


Tables, chairs, champagne glasses under water - absolute heaven.


Full of drama. I'd say water heaven,- darling. Gorgeous!


Oh, brilliant. Thank you very much,- Craig.


And finally, head judge Len.


Oh, Chelsee, my little water baby.


Whatever anyone gives to Sport Relief, you've given more,


because I know you were petrified,


and yet you've come out and done it.- That was amazing.


You did an absolutely fantastic job


and it was very, very well done.


Well done, sweetheart. Well done.


Before we get the scores, let's welcome back Harry and Aliona.




Harry, you of course scored 35.


We're going to find out what Chelsee scored.


If it's a tie, then the king,


otherwise known as head judge Len Goodman will decide


who lifts the trophy. Good luck.


Will the judges please reveal their scores? Mark Foster.


It's a tie!


It's a tie.


Let's go to Len. This is serious. Somebody does win a very beautiful


Sport Relief Strictly Come Dancing Underwater trophy.


Who would you like to see win?


Well, I tied both of you.


I gave you both an eight,


because firstly, I thought Harry's dance was beautiful


and I loved the movement of it. However,


I must say that I felt that,


as a dance from a celebrity under water,


Chelsee did a little bit more dancing.


You mainly partnered, Chelsee mainly danced,


so my decision is for you, Chelsee and Pasha.




You are the winner of Sport Relief Strictly Come Dancing Underwater!


Thank you!


Are you happy? Yes, I'm made up. Thank you.


Good you're made up. Pasha, congratulations. Are you delighted?


Thank you so much. Yes. It was an incredible experience


for both couples, and I think we're- both winners today. Yeah.


Are you very happy for them? Oh, absolutely delighted.


Obviously, it's an amazing thing to be part of,


and Chelsee did incredibly well in overcoming all her fears,


and it's an amazing thing to be part- of, Sport Relief,


so thanks to everyone for this opportunity. Thank you, Harry.


So we have a winner. Please raise the roof


for our Sport Relief Strictly Come Dancing Underwater champion,


Chelsee Healey!






That was


That was incredible!


That was incredible! Yes, they were brilliant. Now, everyone on that


shoot took part because of the work that Sport Relief does. Half the


money you donate will be spent When I need support,


When I've had a bad day, I find strength in my dad.


But there are thousands of people here in the UK


who feel they have no-one to turn to.


Sport Relief is working hard to find people in trouble


and give them a helping hand just when they need it.


Any of the girls would say, "Well,


"why can't he give me just one more kiss,


"why can't he say goodbye to me?"


I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.






A lot of people find it difficult to talk about it.


They feel a bit ashamed.


Life sometimes is just so hard.


Over the years, Sport Relief money has helped


all sorts of people from all over the country.


Get them back on their feet.


Help them stand tall with pride.


And never give up.


Children who bear the huge responsibility and challenge


of looking after their own parent.


My mum's got multiple sclerosis, which makes her really tired.


I mainly help my mum


with the cooking and with the injections


and getting things ready for her.


I remember certain smells.


I started really hearing high echo, your head starts banging.


I started seeing things, not flashbacks,


I mean literally seeing things.


It's like looking at a ghost of somebody who used to be there.


I just sat beside him, and he's rocking and crying.


He didn't know who I was.


He didn't know where he was.


He was scared.




Excuse me.


But they do have someone who cares, they have you.


Because 50% of Sport Relief money gets spent right here in the UK -


in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales.


Your money funds over 1,300 projects nationwide.


I've witnessed first-hand how important these organisations are.


And it's your money that makes all this possible.


It's a great idea,


bringing able-bodied and disabled young people together


to break down barriers and build confidence.


And what better way to do that than through the power of sport?


It helps me to be more independent and come here.


The project is fantastic.


I can't wish for a better support network.


Tonight you can be the rock


that supports the lifeline of someone else's life.


Someone who really needs your help right now.


Call 03457 910 910 and make a difference to someone's life


or donate online at


A big, big, big thank you.


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.




Thank you.


Thank you. Sport


Thank you. Sport Relief is in England, Sport Relief is in


Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Wherever you live, there is


a project near you. Help us to continue the support by calling


03457 910 910. Thank you. Also, a quick but enormous thank you to The


One Show's Matt and Alex and their viewers who have been brilliant in


supporting Sport Relief and have, so far, raised �186, 161. They are


also taking part in The One Show 1,000 Relay, which ends in the


Sport Relief Mile Show from The Mall on Sunday. In our interactive


Star Bar... Hello. It is possible they can't hear me. I think they


can! Hello, Helen. Hello, I can hear you. We are tweeting away.


Taking lots of donations. So it is all good. Fantastic. Helen Skelton,


there she is, chatting to some of you live while you watch this show.


If you like being online and watching TV at the same time,


then... Ah. Indeed, she's there. Don't panic. LAUGHTER Go to

:06:10.:06:15. You and I are going for days after! Only


three? That's plenty! Time for another thank you. This time, we


sent Professor Brian Cox to uncover the mysteries of telephony.


Our universe is a vast and wonderous place and it is full of


awesome and spectacular sights. For me, none is as fascinating as the


completely naturally occurring rock formation known as the BT Tower.


Thousands of highly-charged human being volunteers - they are dead


nice - they use this strange building to raise millions of


pounds and they achieve this through a beautiful and mysterious


process known as telephone calls. The remarkable staff have been


helping to raise hundreds of thousands of pounds by joining


forces and fund-raising all across the UK. For this, thank you all


very much. You are truly, truly amazing. And one of the real


wonders of the universe. APPLAUSE Thank you, BT and your wonderful


staff, customers, all the folk who have volunteered to take your


donations tonight. Let's see how much they have raised. APPLAUSE


Thank you. That is over �1 million from their customers and staff


towards the three charities they have supported. Still to come: We


have more fantastic treats. Have a look at this. Coming up soon: Frank


Skinner attempts his own big swim. I am frightened of the water and


everything else is a prifal concern. A tricky fixture for Frank Lampard


in Outnumbered. Are you a Chelsea fan? No, I hate football. I won


this in a competition and I wanted to be on telly. Have the judges


found their next winner of Britain's Got Talent? How old are


you? 25. And the rest! All coming soon.


APPLAUSE That Miranda sketch is coming up


very soon. Do you have any phobias? Ferrets, I don't like them.


won't like this then! I wouldn't do that to you. I don't really like


heights so imagine if Sport Relief Challengeed us to stand on say the


top of the Eiffel Tower surrounded by ferrets? Terrifying. It was just


a way of explaining what happened to Frank Skinner when Sport Relief


found out that Frank can't swim and has a phobia of water. There is


only one thing to do... Shove him in a pool and make him swim a


I go on stage in front of however many people and try and make them


laugh by telling jokes. But swimming makes me completely feel


like I have no control, like I'm very, very vulnerable. I have one


worry. I have to be in water and nothing else really matters to me.


I'm frightened of the water and everything else is a peripheral


concern. I can smell the chlorine. There is supposed to be a smell of


fear, that is what I associate it with. Oh, it looks... I'm getting


the... Mmm. It is amazing that you are doing it. There are so many


adults that can't swim. It is very brave of you. If you teach me to


swim, you will have done something which I gave up on at some point in


my life and just thought, "I will never be able to do this." It is


such a shame. We have a swimming teacher who will be coming along.


You will have to trust me. I'm not going to let you drown. OK. David


guides Frank to his first hurdle - getting used to the water. We will


do this together. I will hold your hands. Bend your knees and start


blowing bubbles. OK. Good man. And again. OK. I wasn't anxious, but I


didn't have one of my moments where I lose it. That is a victory. I


touched it! I am coming to lesson two, so that's what I was aiming


Remember what I said about your feet? Keep your ankles relaxed and


you are not kicking your legs, you are what? Flapping my feet,


splashing my feet. That's fine. That's it. Just relax. I have lost


two of my three floats already. It is very good. That third float is


quite crucial. Leaning forwards and touching. I'm keeping my head out.


That's fine. With all of the floats gone, Frank takes his feet off the


floor for the first time. For the first time Frank is moving under


his own steam, which is a massive step forward. My big brick wall


fears, they don't start with me getting in the water. My big fears


are still to come. No-one asked me, "Are you ready to transfer to the


big pool?" It looks very big. And like many people, I might die here.


With three weeks of swimming under his belt, it is Frank's breathing


that is making him panic. Relax. What is going on with you at the


moment, mate? Stand up properly, relax. I'm taking in air! Slow down.


I'm fine. I need to know that I can put my feet down at any time if I'm


just - if I do take my feet up, if I'm floating a bit. Get over this


whole breathing issue. I'm trying. I know. Listen to what I am telling


you. If a bit of water goes in. Don't worry about it. I know. For


the first time for a few weeks, I have thought, "Maybe I can't do


this." When you started, that would have been in your mind every day.


That is what you have to think about. Even though you were


thinking every day we have got this far. Think about it for a few


seconds, it is not going to have an impact, it is fine. I don't have


much time left. All I can do is just the old-fashioned method of


sticking at it. It will be tight. I might do it. I might not. If


someone said, "Do you think you will be able to swim a length on


March 23rd?" and had a gun to my head, I would say, "No, I won't be


Come on, Frank, the brave Frank Skinner! One in five adults in the


UK cannot swim. Can he swim a length? Stay tuned. Now one of the


things Sport Relief is committed to is helping people who live very


difficult lives in slums around the world without access to water or


proper healthcare. Once all of the money is in tonight we want to


spend �10 million on projects in the world's poorest countries and


to back your brilliant support, the Government department for


International Development is going to match that money from their


budget. That will mean a total of �20 million could be spent in slum


areas bringing people clean water, toilets and basic healthcare. It


will also make sure kids get a good education and support people to get


jobs and improve their living conditions. Here is a short film


from John Bishop showing how I'm in one of the biggest slums in


Sierra Leone, a home to nearly 11,000 people. There's barely any


running water here, any sanitation. This is where most people go to the


toilet or wash their clothes. This place is extraordinary for all the


wrong reasons. Thousands of the poorest of this country's people


crammed into tiny shacks, like this family. Hello. I'm John. One, two,


three, four, five, six, seven - there's eight. Eight. Eight of you.


Without being disrespectful, this is basically the size of a small


garden shed. You wouldn't want to spend a night here let alone all


your life. This hut is on the edge of a sewage-filled river that


regularly floods, so it is hard to comprehend how they have managed to


survive these conditions. It turns out they haven't. Five children


have been lost to preventable illnesses by living here.


TRANSLATION: Some of them died of pneumonia and the others malaria.


Because we don't have the money, we could not afford the proper


medicines, so they died. How old.


TRANSLATION: One-year-old, one year six months, three months, four


months, five months. With everything that has happened to you,


do you still have hope for your family? Yes. I still have hope


because I am still alive. I may be one day, one of our kids will


succeed and will help us -- and maybe one day, one of our kids will


succeed and will help us all. children are battling to survive


here. Your money has already paid for water taps to be installed.


There is a much bigger problem. At this moment in time, there's 18


toilets that work here. There's 10,900 people living here. That's


an incomprehensible dilemma that we just don't face. But her


granddaughter has to face it every You can see why. Can you imagine


asking your 11-year-old daughter to go to a toilet into the river? I


have come here to learn something. I wasn't expecting anything like


this. She is a beautiful 11-year- old girl. Someone's daughter. She


has to face this cesspit every day. What are your worries for the


You lost your sister? And you worry No kid in the world should be


worrying about dying. Kids at home worry about whether they have got


the right trainers on. This is life and death. They have to hope, but


you can provide the help. Please call 03457 910 910. Thank you.


Thank you. �40 gets fresh, clean water to


hundreds of families as we can provide a tap in the slums. That


means you are helping thousands of people with �40, not often you can


say that. Please call 03457 910 910. Now, can he do it? This is part two


of the Frank Skinner Dipping Challenge. He has had eight weeks


of training. He's faced his biggest fear. But can Frank Skinner swim 25


metres for Sport Relief? His time has come. Welcome to this very


special Sport Relief Challenge where we are hopefully going to see


Frank Skinner swim the 25 metres of this pool. He is terrified. We have


a crowd. We have cameras. We need our man. Please welcome Frank


Skinner and Team Skinner. APPLAUSE How you doing? I'm... You are


shaking? I am. A am -- I am nervous. Do you think you are going to do


this? I have to do it. I'm going to try my best. I don't know if I'm


going to do it. So everybody has their Everest and this is yours?


whole life, when people say to me, "What are you frightened of?" Some


people have to think about it. I say water. It has always been the


bogey man. This is, for me, personally, and I am not comparing


this to the great Sport Relief Challenges, but to me this is


difficult. Good luck. I will let you get in and take your time.


Cheers. Thank you. Come on, Frank. You can do it. Make me proud.


Come on. APPLAUSE Let's go with the Sport Relief Challenge. On your


A good start. A good leg kick. He needs to keep the leg kick going


and stay relaxed. His back end is starting to sink. That is about


keeping those legs going and that arm out in front, staying relaxed.


When he starts to get nervous, his arms start going a bit quick.


this a worrying time? It is, when his right arm starts to sink. He


needs to get that arm out of the water. Stretching out, that is


better. He is getting his arm out better. Come on, Frank. Come on!




Come on! Well done!


Thank you very much. Unbelievable. How absolutely


brilliant. Guess what? The man is here. It is the hero of the pool,


Mr Frank Skinner. Well done. Frank, marvellous. What


an effort? Has it sunk in? Can you smell the chlorine? It has sunk in.


I feel a bit emotional now. Yeah, I really - March 23rd has been in my


mind for a couple of months, not just because of it is the fabulous


Sport Relief Day, but it is like D- Day. I looked at my phone today and


I thought it is March 23rd and I'm not going to be able to do it. That


moment when I touched the wall was... You DID do it! Things are


about to get better. You are going to get that swimming badge now.


There it is, attached to your shorts... Come on! What a moment.


Massive congratulations. Look at that. Look at it! APPLAUSE Massive


congratulations. You can keep your England caps! Eat your heart out


John Bishop! He swam a length! Sorry. Time for another Sport


Relief treat, the brilliant cast of Outnumbered, outnumbering Frank


So what's your name? Karen. Um, we should be on our way shortly.


I just won this in a competition Hmm, right.


'Yeah. No, no, no, she's fine. She's got Frank Lampard.


Right. Well, in case...she does


Excuse me. You're Yes. I'm a massive fan.


Thank you. To Jake, please. Jake? I'm also a big fan. Thank you.


because Mum likes to seeing Anton use her as a big floor mop. Oh.


Could you make one more to Dino, please? OK, yeah. Thank you.


So you're here supporting your other- half? I am. Oh, Adrian Chiles?


Oh, no, no.


Adrian and I work together loads but, no, we're not married.


Christine is engaged to Frank Lampard, who is a very lucky man.


Why, thank you. He's not that lucky.


That goal against Germany was way over the line.


Dad called the ref a Nazi stooge. I...I didn't.


I, um... Do you want to see him goose-stepping across the room? Ben!


Um, Christine, could I have one more, please?


Well, all I know is that last weekend I heard my dad shouting


that you had missed a goal that my granny could have scored.


We all miss the occasional easy one.


It must've been really easy because- my granny's got a plastic hip.


Well, we still won the game. And I made both the goals.


Well, that's nothing to boast about.


You just need a few bits of wood and a big net.


No, no, I didn't mean... Anyone can make a goal.


No, I meant, you know, I... That's just DIY. I meant I... Karen!


Karen, try not to talk to Mr Lampard too much


cos he's trying to focus on a big game.


This is my mum, she fancies you. No, I don't.


Oh, my... My god! Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. I've got some arnica in here.


Excuse me, madam. I'm sorry. Yes.


I'm sor... Karen, really, a lot of big game pressure.


Yeah, I know all about big game pressure.


I play netball for the school.


Madam, if you could. Yes, of course. I'm sorry. (Zip it.)


Football's much harder than netball.


Actually this is a real coincidence


because my daughter is Frank's mascot today.


Really? Oh, gosh, she won't forget that in a hurry. No.


And neither will he(!)


Christine, could I have two more, please?


One to Mikey with a Y and one to Josh.


OK. Do you know what would make Dancing on Ice even better?


What would that be? You were really great in that.


Oh, thank you. If they had like these really thin patches of ice


that the skaters would have to avoid. So like they're just skating along


and suddenly they plummet through the ice like - BANG!


Oh. Or giant, angry walruses.




Netball is so much harder than football,


because in netball the net is really small


and only just big enough to fit the ball through.


Whereas in football, the net


is like about 20,000 times bigger than the ball.


It's not 20,000... The goals are huge,


but you should know, you make them.- No, I don't. I...


Also in netball, the net is really high up off the ground.


It hasn't got a huge goalie guarding it, has it?


Well, Amy Harrison's nearly six feet tall.


Or a polar bear.


Yeah, all right, we'll call it six quid. She's still talking to him?


It hunts the skaters across the ice. Hmm.


That's what the TV people call jeopardy. Well, stop her.


You've got to stop her.


I think a polar bear might pose a few health and safety issues.


Stop her. Um, Christine, now could I have five, please,


to no-one in particular?


Are you selling these? Well, Christine,


these are actually part of my business start-up project


for this term's economics module.


But you are selling them?


I can cut you in. No, stop her. Narwhals...


just like spearing up through the ice and the skater,


maybe impaling someone.


Football is definitely harder than netball, isn't it, lads?


ALL: Yes.


Well, of course you'd all say that.- Karen!


Have any of them played netball? I have. I'm quite good.


Karen, stop it!


In netball... Sorry, everybody. Stop it!


Most footballers have nicknames, don't they? Do you have one?




Well, I'm sure my dad called you something when you missed that goal.




It'll come to me in a second.


70/30? No. 60/40? She's not still?!


My final offer. No, really, I can't so that.


All right, 50/50. Does Frank ever get nervous before games?


Um, yeah, yeah, a bit. What if I give a percentage to charity?


No, honestly, that... I just. When he gets nervous, does he throw up?


Because that's what I do when I get nervous. Oh, right.


I'm feeling a bit nervous now.


Right. Oh, there's a friend of mine over there!


Um, I'm just going to go and catch up with her.


60/40 and you can choose the charity.


Oh. Excuse me, Christine, this is my wife.


When Frank gets nervous,


does a huge vein start throbbing behind his left ear?


What's that armband?


Is it a fashion thing? It means I'm captain.


So you're in charge?


Does that mean that if you lose, the newspapers will all blame YOU?


I bet it does. Especially if you miss another EASY one.


They'll probably stick your face on a picture of a vegetable.


Frank, the ref doesn't have a mascot.


He does now.


So you're the ref.


Um, yeah.


And are you feeling confident?




He then


He then punches


He then punches the fourth official, he swallows his own whistle and


just to round the day off, his APPLAUSE


Great stuff. Now from one Frank to another, here is Frank Skinner to


introduce this next film. There's been a fair bit of swimming in


Sport Relief, from Strictly Come Dancing Underwater, to David


Walliams' swim up the Thames, to me overcoming a phobia. Gary and his


wife have visited a project in Bangladesh where teaching kids to


swim is literally a matter of life We are here in Bangladesh to visit


a brilliant project that is supported by Sport Relief. In the


UK, most of us learn to swim at an early age, whether it is just for


fun or for sport. Here, it is a skill that can quite literally save


your life. Every single day in Bangladesh 50 children die from


drowning and when the monsoon season hits this part of the world,


severe flooding means that families have their whole lives washed-away.


For this mother, it's a reality that she knows all too well. She


lost her eldest son only a year ago. He was 11 years old. She wanted to


Can your other son, he can swim Thank you so much for talking to us.


It really is very brave of you. We have to make sure that your other


It happened over there. Just in their own back garden, really.


can't imagine... She is racked with guilt as well. They were just there


playing and... Just fell in off his boat. Yeah. It is all over. So...


But it's not a one-off, though. 50 a day. In the time we were talking


to her, a child has died. Somewhere in Bangladesh. Crazy. Every day in


Bangladesh, 50 grieving mothers go through the same unimaginable pain


as Hosna. Help is at hand. Sport Relief funds a fantastic project


that teaches children to swim, a valuable skill that saves lives.


This inspiring scheme is helping to save the lives of hundreds of


children across Bangladesh. Today, Hosna will see her youngest son get


APPLAUSE The skills these kids are learning


are saving lives every day. There is still thousands of children


across Bangladesh at risk that need your help. 18,000 children die


every year here through drowning. It is the leading cause of child


death in Bangladesh. Tonight, your money can help pay for swimming


lessons that could help save a child's life. So please, please


give what you can. Call 03457 910 910.


I have been there and seen it. It is properly amazing what they are


doing there. You can help kids learn to swim because �5 is all it


takes to teach one. So it is simple - �50 means ten kids learn to swim.


Pick up the phone and call. Call 03457 910 910. In April, keep your


eyes open for The Big Splash. Frank Skinner will be doing it! That is


it from us two. Before we hand over to Dermot O'Leary and Davina McCall,


we should just have a look at the first totaliser of the evening. Are


we ready? AUDIENCE: Yes! I need more than


that! Here we go. Let's see how generous you have been. Let's


countdown - five, four, three, two, MUSIC: Firework


By Katy Perry That's amazing. Incredible. You are


fantastic. Thank you so much. That is a life-changing amount. So thank


you. Absolutely. You have been amazing. Please keep being amazing.


There's so much good stuff to come. Stay with us. Keep calling in and


give what you can. Donate right now and you can sit back and enjoy the


rest of the show. Thank you very much for watching our bit. Stay


tuned, there! Don't move. Bye. Here for Sport Relief, it is Davina


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Sport Relief! Hello! Come on,


Sport Relief! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, you


wonderful people. What an unbelievable start to the show!


CHEERING Sensational! What a way to kick-off the biggest Sport Relief


ever - great comedy, great music and a fantastic-looking audience!


APPLAUSE You know who you are! Fantastic-looking audience. You


know who you are! And purely from an expert's perspective, the


dancing at the top of the show was incredible. Oh yeah! I'm quite


surprised you didn't fancy a dance yourself, with The X Factor and


everything? No. No, no, no. Never crossed my mind. Absolutely not.


Really? Well... Fleetingly! Yes. You rehearsed the routine? Yes, I


have. Go on then, D. Thank you, Davina. CHEERING No, no, no really,


don't! OK, five, six, seven, No, no, no. Was it too much? Too


much? No. Not right. Enough of that. Was it? Sorry, Holly, sorry Tilly.


Let's take a look at some of the treats we have got coming up.


great action to come on Sport Relief. Miranda Hart throws up a


comedy treat. JLS perform the Sport Relief single


live. A sporty QI. I loved your


impersonation of backstroke, Stephen! And live music from Snow


Patrol. All still to come on Sport Relief. APPLAUSE Listen, this year,


we have been spoilt with a plethora... Nice word!


unbelievable Sport Relief Challenges. John Bishop... Legend.


Survived his extraordinary week of hell. Helen Skelton, conquered the


South Pole... Goddess. And they are all going to be here later on.


time for a man who I can call a hero, a man who went the extra mile


for Sport Relief and then went 139 more. I'm talking none other than


His Royal Astoundingness Sir David of Walliams. Before we meet this


super human being, let us take a look at how he took on the beast


that is the River Thames and won. chose the Thames because I thought


it would be an amazing challenge. I know people like to see people off


the TV suffer! Argh! It is two degrees lower than the Channel. He


will have to survive that for 140 miles. It depletes you when it is


freezing cold. Don't worry about the shivering, it is natural.


body is out of control. I wee in my wetsuit! It is so gruelling. It is


like I'm going to vomit. That is one tired and sick man. Bodies are


not meant to do this much swimming day after day. It is just constant


pain now. Amazing. He is the most remarkable man. Tremendous.


There's only two words for him - "phen" and "omenal"! Ladies and


gentlemen, we give you Sport Relief's very own Super Mer-Man,


David Walliams. I like your dancing. We liked it


too much! My kids would hate it. David, the equivalent of seven


English Channels. What were you thinking? Why did I do it? I


thought it would not be as hard as it was. I thought it would be


flowing towards London. I need to lie there and it will take me. It


wasn't like that. I just thought mainly about food. LAUGHTER Let's


talk about that, you got Thames tummy so early on. Did you think,


"This might take me out of this swim"? I hoped it would. I was


seriously ill. I thought I was going to have a day out, a day out


on the water, not a day out at the Chessington World of Adventures!


The trainer, Professor Greg Whyte, he made me go back in the water. I


thought, at least I am a bit nearer the finish line. The support you


got from the public was incredible. I went through, you know, a lot of


the country. So anyone who lived near the Thames could come out and


cheer and wave. It was great. It did spur me on. Basically, I am a


show-off. LAUGHTER If people are watching me, I will perform.


went in the sea... I would still be swimming now if people were there!


It was the most amazing feat. We are going to announce the total you


have raised. Remember, it does include some of the money from BT


that we talked about earlier. The grand total that David has raised


Wow! Thank you. That is brilliant. Thank you. Seriously, well done.


That is great. Thank you. Thank you. Please can somebody knight this man,


please? That was so good. On behalf of Sport Relief, we thank you. It


is fitting for David to introduce the next film as his trip to Kenya


inspired him to do his challenge. Last year I went to Kisumu and met


Philip. He is one of 20,000 children working or sleeping rough


on the streets there. This is his This is Phillip. He is 12 years old


and in his short life, he's had more than his fair share of


Four years ago, Phillip's mum and dad died. With no-one to care for


him, he found himself struggling to survive on the streets of Kisumu,


So you can buy food? Yes. What about this? This one they do not


take it. What about this? I take it. How long have you been doing this?


Many years. Looking for the scrap metal. Sometimes he will hunt for


scrap all day, but still not earn It is when the sun goes down that


Phillip is most vulnerable. He and his friends stick together for


protection. This is where you sleep? Here, down here. We put the


boxes down here. This is in the middle of two busy, noisy roads?


Yes. It is unimaginable that any child has to sleep like this. Make


no mistake - life here is really hard. It is a life full of danger,


sometimes even from other children. Do older boys come in the night and


they try... Yes, they come here during the night and they start


doing love with us. Have you been sexually assaulted? No. Only this


boy. He has been. They are just little boys. They are little boys


who should be in bunk beds and playing with toys and someone


But there is a lifeline. Sport Relief funds a project where


Phillip and children like him can escape for a few hours and get to


be kids again. In time, a place like this will help Phillip get off


the streets for good, but, for now at least, it is a safe place where


It is OK to be sad. It's been a real privilege to meet you. Thanks.


As you sit at home watching tonight, there's thousands of children like


Phillip who call the streets home, scared, cold and alone. With your


money, we can try and help them, keep them safe and make sure they


know that someone cares. Please give what you can. You know the


number - 03457 910 910. Or go online and give what you can. Thank


Meeting Phillip has changed me forever. Tonight, we have got to


change things. We have got to stop children like Phillip from sleeping


in a huddle on the streets. That drop-in centre costs just �30 a day


to run, 30 quid, and hundreds of children get a break from that


dreadful life on the street. 50 quid will feed 100 Phillips for a


week. Please give what you can. I have seen for myself what a huge


difference your money makes. Please call 03457 910 910. There's


somebody else that would like to say a little thank you to you.


Have a look. Hi, David. I just like to thank you for everything that


you have done in my life. Here is the book that you sent for me. I


come with it from school. I like the pictures where you are swimming.


I would just like to tell you that where I am now is a good place and


I wish you good luck. Thank you. APPLAUSE Mr Walliams, we and the


entire audience here salute you. Thank you. Thank you, David. But


this is not goodbye to David. He will be back later on when he will


be here for more fun with Miranda Hart and take the Sport Relief


party into the night. I saw the rehearsals - anything could happen!


Yikes! If you can't wait, Miranda is here getting into a spot of


bother with Penny and Stevie. This is Miranda and the Albert Hall.


Oh, yes. That man played an ace We can have a little RACKET


I'd never risk exposing her The baton is a salami stick -


# La-la-la... Oh, I'm so sorry...


It's not the Ten O'Clock News now, Not that I'm saying


WHAT are you wearing? I thought, "Albert Hall - Proms!"


You look like a rugby player on a stag weekend. Rude! Stop it.


You look like an absolute MORON! Ssh!


Will you get your meaty stick out of my face?


There's a joke there somewhere. Quick!


Right, I'll go home and change. No time. You'll miss everything.


I'm not that bothered about the tennis. It's not about the tennis!


There are men here, men who are what I call tall.


BOTH: It IS tall! Rich men.


Tall rich men with bulging thighs. Oh, I might stick around. Yeah.


Look, it's Virginia Wade. Dame Virginia... Lady Wadey.


Your Royal Tennis-ness.


Excuse me. I'm needed in the VIP room. So are we. There will be men.


We are VVV much needed in the VIP room.


OMG LOL, because we are all M-I-P-T-Y's.


MIPTY?! More Important People Than You.


Such fun(!)


Did she say, "Such fun"? Follow her! Quick! Follow her! VIP room!


We're in! We're in! Now, act casual. Subtly look around for men.


Think cazhj.


You're looking very strange. I'm trying to be casual.


Ohhh! It's Robbie Savage, Robbie Savage! Robbie Savage!


Cool! Cool. Um, hello. Hello. I'm Penny.


Hello. This is my daughter Miranda.


I'll just... Hello. Nice to meet you.


Ahhh! Savage. Sav-age!




You can savage me.


What am I doing?


Ciao-ciao. Ring me.


Oh! It's Mo Farah! OK, leave this to me.


Yo, Mo, hello.


I'll be fine.


So, Mo, Mo Farrow & Ball.


Mighty Mo. Big Mo.


A mo-jito! A Mo-na Lisa!


A Mo-Mo a-go-go.


He's a-gone gone!


Why do you have to be my daughter?


Well, it's just the way it goes, isn't it? Weird.


I defy you to do better. Right, fine.


Joe Calzaghe! Joe Calzaghe.


Hello, Joe. How are you doing?


What say you and I engage in some sexual sparring?


Ding-ding. Round one!


Bash, bash, boom! Bash, bang, bang! Boom...


Oh, I'm so s-sorry, Ms Balding. So sorry.




And I'm weird?


It's imposs to be cazhj around famous people. I know!


I put my bum in Clare Balding's face. Can we keep that quiet?


Mancini! Oh, it's too much.


That was Mancini!ALL SHRIEK


Hey! What's going on over there? Come here. Who are you lot?


Have you got passes? Who are we?


Well, that is very rude, for we are athletes.




This is... Hello. My name is Pavlova.


I am a Russian gymnast.


This is gymnast. Hee! Hee! Hee!


That was gymnast. And, um, I am... She's a heavyweight.


I thought I recognised you. Yes, I am a heavyweight boxer. Lifter.


I lift heavy boxes and stuff. Yeah. Watch me lift.


Come on, then.SHE STRAINS


I think you've been eating too many crisps, Gaz, cos...


Oh, my back. Come on, who are you? Really?


Um...Sue Barker. This is Sue Barker.


No, I'm Sue Barker.BOTH GASP


I don't think so! This is Sue Barker. I am Sue Barker.


No, I AM Sue Barker. Well, we've only got your word for that.


You are not Sue Barker. I don't know who you are.


Clearly an imposter.


She shouldn't be in this VIP room, Gary.


What does she know about tennis? This is Sue Barker.


Get her out, Gaz. Get her out.




No, that's Sue Barker. Shut up, Torvill!


You are skating on very thin ice.


Sue, how are you? Hello!


Oh, fantastic Question Of Sport the other day. Absolutely loved it.


You nailed it. I'm Sue Barker. I'm Sue Barker. No, I'M Sue Barker.


I'm Sue Barker. No, no, stop! Enough of this, Balding!




Oh! Cricketers.


Whoo-hoo! Lads! Catch!THUD!


Ooh! So sorry. Hello. Sorry. Sorry about that. Sorry, Your Majesties.


That is wholly inappropriate.


Oh, look! Goran Ivanisevic! Now, he is the perfect man.


Bit out of your league. Try and keep- it a tiny bit real, girlfriend.


What is this? I'm just keeping it in the celebrity groove.


No, come on. Me and Goran. A bit out of your league!


All right, Paula. Now jog on! Ideally for 26.2 miles.


Miranda! Excuse me, Jessica Ennis!


Miranda, you're never going to believe who's here.


My long-term crush, Michael Owen. Ohh!


Is that his real size, or has someone put him on a hot wash?


And look who he's with! James Cracknell! He is perfect for you.


Oh, I wouldn't mind striking gold with a bit of cracknel!




Ssh. Calm down.


Oh, he winked. He winked at me. Did you see that? OK. All right.


What do we do? Smile.


You all right, Mo?


He waved at me.


And called me Mo, which clearly stands for Mo-st Definitely Would.


We are so in there. Oh, yeah.


Why aren't they coming over? Do you know what I think it is?


I think they're intimidated by the dress. Oh, you're so right.


If I wasn't wearing this dress, they'd be all over us.


He winked again.


OK, let's get out of here, we'll get you out of that, and plan. OK.




Love that.


Love that. Genius.


Love that. Genius. More of Miranda coming newspaper a mo. I'm Sue


Barker. Miranda did that stech because earlier this year she went


to Uganda to see why we need your This is Bwaise,


Here, all the human, animal but in the rainy season,


And so there will be sewage and waste everywhere,


and you can imagine that the consequences of that are dire.


In some parts of the slum,


you can see how your money can make a difference.


There are drains coming down from their houses


into this main one here,


which is high enough so that in the wet season it doesn't flood.


It's nothing fancy but it works.


There are parts of Bwaise


where there aren't any of these big drains


to carry the sewage and flood water away.


Ayisha and her children, Derek and Marjorie,


are at risk every time it rains.


When the rains come, tell me what happens.


TRANSLATION: When the floods come, we are very worried,


because we cannot even get out of the house.


What happened to you two years ago when the floods came?


The most painful thing, I lost my child.


And what was her name?




Ayisha's baby Christine died,


because raw sewage flooded her house


because of a lack of a drainage system.


We take drains for granted in the UK.


They are not sexy or glamorous, but here they are vital.


Christine was six months old.


A young life lost to an avoidable illness.


On that fateful day, there was a lot of water here.


Christine wanted a drink.


That was when she fell off the bed.


The raw sewage gave Christine severe diarrhoea,


and she died three days later.


I'm sorry.


TRANSLATION: Each time it rains, I become so worried.


I always think that maybe what happened to my baby


will happen to my other children too.


This filthy water is a daily reminder of Christine's death.


So please, for them, pick up the phone and call...




Tough watch.


Tough watch. Drains


Tough watch. Drains aren't particularly glamorous are they?


But we know they are vitally important. They are life savers.


They stop filthy flood water ruining people's lives. �35 could


connect a home to the drains and keep families safe. It's not a


small amount of money. But you could save a family's life. Now


another huge thank you. This time we've enlisted John Motson to help


us out. The Premier League have been working wonders for Sport


Relief and have shown their support from modelling T-shirts, auctions


and even a spot of acting. This is the first time that you've faced


the Tudors? Who? What drama here. Let's hear from his manager.


many calls from Hollywood asking to sign up Defoe? None whatsoever. No


just concentrating on the job here and we've not heard from anybody,


no. Wayne and Rio held a ping-pong tournament. Sir Alex Ferguson gave


us hills thoughts. Don't you think Rio was showing off a bit. Maybe


that's the kind of character he is. A few popped out for a stroll.


Didn't Mancini look delightful. you enjoy looking like an elf for


Sport Relief? Yes, I enjoy. looked pretty cool. Very cool.


fantastic effort all round, thanks to everyone involved you scored a


blinder for Sport Relief. Thank you so much to Motty, aka


John Culshaw. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, just there.


Oh, Dermot. To reveal that the Premier League has donated a


fantastic �250,000! APPLAUSE


Now when we last saw her, Miranda had terrified Robbie Savage, scare


Roberto Mancini and Claire bald bald, so here it is Miranda part


What can I wear? You look needy and desperate.


Where can I change? I need a room to change in.


I need a sort of changing room. Is it...? Whoa.


(There's no-one here. Perfect.)


Oh, look! A thong! Do you think he'd like me in a thong?


He looks like a thong sort of a man, doesn't he?


What am I going to do? A tennis kit.


It's a man's tennis kit. Exactly. Twill fit. Oh, rude!


No, I'll tell you what size you'll look in that outfit. Size sexy baby.


Men love a sporty look. Get those legs out! Huh?


Excuse me, I have a thong to get on.


Mr Ivanisevic, your match is starting. Please come with me.


Mr Ivanisevic? Sorry, there's been a misunderstanding.


No misunderstanding. You're on next.


He looked straight at me and still thought I was Goran Ivanisevic!


Come on! It's one thing from the back... Quick as you can, please.


Why can't I get mistaken for Kournikova?!


Play starts in two minutes. Excuse me, young chap.


Will you wait here? There's been a mistake.




Hey, where is my kit?!


Miranda? Ooh!


Ow! Rr-rrgh! Rr-rrgh! What are you doing?


Oh, I winked at me. See, you just did it again.


No, I've got dodgy new contact lenses.


Oh, right. Well, you know... Your loss.


Your loss, my little elfin friend.


Tomorrow, you'll be playing with Wayne Rooney,


I'll be playing with these bad boys. And a bop and a boff.


The thing is, I really think there's been a bit of...


Oh, God, it's Tiger Tim. Nice Goran. up. What? Why? Hurry shave,


Listen, I really think you should check in the dressing room.


He's clearly still down there. Ooh!- Sorry. You're such a card, Goran.


Where's Miranda? I thought she was with you. No.


'Would you please welcome Tim Henman and Goran Ivanisevic!'


What on earth...?!


Quick! Do something! How can we stop her?


It's tails. I'll serve.


I mean, I might as well. It's only Henman.


We must stop this. Oh! She's elected to serve.




This is mortifying.




It came back quite fast...


She'll never find a husband


if gets out she's been mistaken for a male tennis player... Oh.




She got a point!


Goran! Goran!


CROWD: Goran! Goran!


MUSIC: "Rocky" Theme Tune


Come on, Tim!


Come on, Goran!


Advantage Ivanisevic!


Goran! Goran! Goran! Go...


Excusez moi, s'il vous plait. Merci, Leconte.


What are you doing? Putting us all out of our misery.




Ohh. She's down.


Goran? You all right? Thank you. You all right?


You all right? Yeah.


Oh, gosh. Hmm. Hello, Mr Ivanisevic, sir.


Um...sorry, I'm wearing your kit. It's just... You look hot.


Yeah, I'm a bit sweaty. I started your match. We're in the lead.


Which is... I mean hot hot. Great ankles.




Size sexy!


Mr Lendl, your match with McEnroe in two minutes' time, please.


Might as well. See you later.




That was


That was great.


That was great. Like the kiss. Now I know what the Gor in Goran


Ivanisevic stands for. Gor-geous. You lucky girl. If you want to see


the making of that sketch, download it now along with other great stuff.


Thousands of you have been down lieding Sport Relief highlights on


iTunes helping us raise more cash. Still to come, Snow Patrol and Kate


Moss stars in a fabulous edition of absolutely fabulous. In a UK


television exclusive, we have the very first Britain's Got Talent


ever with the new judges! Intrigued, aren't you? Brilliant. So, over a


night like tonight, I know we tell you a lot of shocking statistics,


and here is a really dreadful one n. Africa, over a million children die


of diarrhoea every year and I'm going to say that again, one


million children die every year. It's just wrong and I cannot even


bear to say it because children are dying from diarrhoea. It's entirely


preventable and we're going to make prevention our business tonight. We


can prevent needless deaths in many ways by providing vaccines, malaria


nets, clean water, you know, they're such simple things and they


don't cost much money, but they make a huge difference. In the film


we're about to show you, John Bishop goes to Sierra Leone to see


what happens when children don't get access to all these things that


we just take for granted. It is a tough watch. It's why we're here


This Children's Hospital is the only This country has one of the worst


in the world for preventable illnesses


like diarrhoea and pneumonia.


This hospital is on the front line of a very unfair fight.


This is the first point of call


for the parents with some of the sickest children.


As you can see, there's some desperate cases.


You can hardly imagine what it feels like


to know that some of the children in here


are possibly not going to make it.


It's heart-breaking to see.


It's 9am, and already for two families today,


the worst has happened.


What you're looking at is the body of a child


that came in last night with diarrhoea.


It's a three-year-old boy.


They arrived at the hospital at 3am,


and he was dead at 5am with severe diarrhoea.


It's impossible for any parent to not be here


and have your heart ripped out,


because there's no parent who can imagine


what it's like to lose a child,


but to lose it for something that could be prevented.


Nadia is here with her daughter.


She has severe pneumonia.


She has spent every minute of the last 72 hours praying


that her child won't end up the same way.


This is a scary place to be for any parent.


I've got three boys in England, big boys.


I've never been scared that they won't survive.


And sometimes hope is all there is.


One in five children in Sierra Leone don't make it to the age of five.


Across the way, another child has become a terrible statistic.


This may happen here every day, but the grief is always unbearable.


I can't imagine what it must feel like to come...


I can't imagine what it must feel like to come...


to come and have to take your child home to bury them


less than 24 hours after you brought them here.


That's how severe this is.


That's how close we are to death.


And every single child has died from a preventable disease.


So please give what you can.




John's here


John's here with


John's here with me now. That's the first time I've seen that film


since I went over. I've got to be honest with you, in the world that


we live in, you sometimes forget how lucky we are. That's a vaccine


that could have saved those children. In the first hour I was


in that hospital, three babies died. Every parent sat at home now, can


you imagine what that must feel like, if you lose a child, but lose


it for something that cost the same amount as two cups of cappuccino?


It's negligible. But you can save it. You can change A life now,


that's the power that you've got. You could pick up your phone and


literally save lives. That's all we're asking you to do, not to give


up anything that you've got, but to give a small piece away to buy


something that's even smaller, but will be so much bigger because


someone somewhere will be alive next year because you made a phone


call tonight. Thanks, please give what you can.


APPLAUSE 03457 910 910. Here with their


beautiful song are Snow Patrol. The band have asked please give what


you can Jon Leyne while they're performing. -- online while they're


# If you were here beside me # If the curve of you


# I'd tell you that I loved you before I ever knew you


# Cos I loved the simple thought of you


# If our hearts are never broken and there's no joy in the mending


# There's so much this hurt can teach us both


# There's distance and there's silence


# Your words have never left me


# They're the prayer that I say every day


# Come on, come out, come here come here


# Come on, come out, come here come here


# Come on, come out, come here come here


Come on, come out, come here The lone neon nights


# I miss it all, from the love to the lightning


# And the lack of it snaps me in two


# If you were here beside me instead of in New York


# In the arms you said you'd never leave


# I'd tell you that it's simple and it was only ever thus


# There is nowhere else that I belong


# Come on, come out, come here come here


# Come on, come out, come here come here


# Come on, come out, come here come here


And the fire that was starting Come on, come out, come here


# I miss it all from the love to the lightning


# And the lack of it snaps me in two


# Just give me a sign There's an end and not beginning


# To the quiet chaos driving me mad


# The lone neon nights and the walls of the ocean


# And the fire that is starting to go out. #






Thank you


Thank you so


Thank you so much to the wonderful Snow Patrol. Thank you. Thanks,


guys. And come here a minute, I just want


to say, you, you there, you... guy. Yeah, that one there, thank


you. Did you just donate? Thank you. Thank you very much. Definitely. I


like that guy. More from Snow Patrol later in the show. They're


back to perform their all-time classic Chasing Cars. Get the


lighters out. Time now to say another thank you. Here's the most


powerful man on the planet to do Something that says to me,


who could sing a smash hit The staff at


They've been pulling out and helping raise a serious amount


I've got a horrible feeling But reality check - I've got to say,


Two million per cent who bought one of these fabulous


and helped raise a serious amount Hey, I'm just saying


Thank you so much. I can reveal that the staff and customers of


Sports have raised a APPLAUSE


All right, this is going to be tough, but a little while ago we


showed you what happened when John Bishop visited a Children's


Hospital in Sierra Leone. We have been overwhelmed by your response.


So as tough as this is to watch, we're going to remind you how tough


..the body of a child that came in He arrived at the hospital at 3:00am-


It's impossible for any parent 'The awful sound of heartbreak


I can't imagine what it must to come and have to take


less than 24 hours after you've brought them here.


That's how close we are to death,


and every single child has died from a preventable disease.


So please give what you can.




Please, please


Please, please pick


Please, please pick up the phone. Thank you. So, so important. Thank


Thank you. So, so important. Thank you. Now Around the country all of


you have been doing totally brilliant things for Sport Relief


and we just want to say a massive thank you. And to say such a big


thank you, we needed to enlist the help of a really big voice, a


massive voice, a giant, beautiful voice. They don't come much bigger


than this. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome injury Tom Jones!


APPLAUSE -- welcome Sir Tom Jones!


APPLAUSE Sir Tom is coaching on The Voice,


which starts, I can't believe I'm plugging it! Which starts tomorrow


on BBC One, what is it 11pm, 12am? 7pm! I know. You're not talking


about that. No, I'm here to say thank you to all of you out there,


up and down the country who've gone the extra mile for preef this year.


Let's -- Sport Relief this year. Let's see what you've all been up


From north to south, east to west, you made a difference. You are the


best. Whether climbing, skating or


swimming a mile, you always limbered up in true style. On ships,


riding bikes or fitness machines, you put on your kit and went out in


teams. With family and friends or going


alone, you did your best, you hardly groaned. Little or big,


serious or funny, you got out of bed and raised loads of money. We


thank you dearly for every penny raised. Now get some rest, if


you're feeling quite fazed. Thank you, thank you, we hope you had fun.


You are beautiful and brilliant, APPLAUSE


You've all been fantastic, so here's a big Sport Relief thank you.


Thank you Tom. Don't worry if you haven't donated


yet. There's loads of time to pick up the phone. Please give what you


can. Look prevention is better than cure. I'm just going to keep saying


it. We're all going to keep saying it - prevention is better than cure.


Prevention is better than cure. This is Mulago Hospital in Kampala,


at least 400 people come here from what the fate of their children


Peace's baby, Florence, has had diarrhoea for four days.


And how old is she?


One year, 11 months.




She's tiny for her age.


The more they get malnourished,


the more they're also susceptible to other infections,


and especially pneumonia.


One thing leads to the other.


Diarrhoea, dehydration, then pneumonia.


And all the three she has are absolutely preventable.




So if she'd had the vaccine for diarrhoea,


she wouldn't have got pneumonia, and so it goes on?


She just gets weaker and weaker.




And what's the prognosis for Florence?


Florence is very sick.


So the prognosis is not good.


TRANSLATION: Yesterday, I was so scared.


I thought she was going to die.


I don't want them to fall sick all the time.


I want them to be healthy, to be happy like other children.


I just think it's so sad to see this 17-year-old on her own


with two children who get regularly sick.


And all she wants is for them to play.


And that's something we take for granted.


Her biggest hope is that her child is strong enough to run and laugh.


# So for once in my life let me get what I want


# Lord knows It would be the first time. #


If Florence had been given a simple �5 vaccine,


she might not be in hospital fighting for her life.


What breaks my heart is that,


though she's made it through the night,


children have to be strong and well to be vaccinated.


And at the moment, Florence is too unwell and too weak.


I think the worst thing for me is that


that little girl may never run around and play.


Um... She's just too much to take on, really.




Your money will pay for life-saving vaccines


to protect children like Florence.


Please call...


Or go online and give what you can.


Thank you.




Little baby


Little baby Florence


Little baby Florence is still alive and we hope she'll be strong enough


soon to have the vaccine. The more money you give tonight, the more


we'll be able to protect children like Florence. Please call. Time


now for another very special thank # You're flogging socks


# I'll sing your praises # Cos you raised


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds


The amazing customers and staff have raised how much for Sport


Relief? They have raised an eye APPLAUSE


Thank you. I demand a recount, that's extraordinary. Thank you so


much. Time for a seminal moment in boy band history. Four lads you are


about to meet could be bigger than the Beatles, more fapbsable than


one direction... SCREAMING Man I wouldn't want to get into an


argument with you. They could smash Take That's record breaking tour.


Or they could be a load of old rubbish. We can't decide. We don't


have to. That's down to Simon Cowell and co. This is Benidorm's


Britain's Got Talent And among the thousands of


..who have travelled from Benidorm Hi, Mateo. I'm Kenneth,


I'm Michael, and together, Los Chorizos. I like it.


When we were all on holiday Basically, what I did,


Nick put us together and made what I can only describe as


a super-group for the 21st century. Wow.


Yeah, I think they've got what it takes to win Britain's Got Talent.


They've got the dance moves of Diversity...


..the appeal of Joe McElderry...


..and they've got the voices of JML. JLS.


Our name is Los Chorizos, which means, "I can't find me sausages."


What are you talking about?


It's not Los Chorizos, it's Lo-th Chori-thos.


It means, "Hot, fiery meat."


I knew that. I'm not a complete idiot, you know.


Really? Which part is missing?


How are the nerves? How are you all feeling?


Feeling good. Los Chorizos are going to win Britain's Got Talent.


That's fighting talk, isn't it?


We know.


I'm a lover, not a fighter.




Benidorm has got talent, and we're bringing it to a stage near you.


Los Chorizos. ALL: Los Chorizos.


I still think it sounds like you can't find my sausages. Shut up.


Come on. Off you go. Good luck, lads.




Hello. Hello, Simon. Hola, Mr Cowell.


Who are you?


We're a boy band from Benidorm and we're called Los Chorizos,


which basically means "hot sausages". Great(!)


Hiya. You all right? Have you seen my husband?


Who's your husband? He's their manager. Los Chorizos.


He wanted to watch if from out the front so he sat in the audience.


Do you think you can win this competition?


Maybe. I think we can absolutely win the competition.


OK. Can I have your names and ages?


Hello, Simon Cowell. My name is Liam and I'm 18.


All right. Got it. And you?


I'm Michael, and I'm 13.


And you are...? Mateo. How old are you, Mateo?






Yeah. And the rest. 25 did he say? 25.


He got that wrong.


Where do you see yourselves in five years' time?


Say Las Vegas. In Hollywood. It's near Las Vegas.


What would you call your first album?




What did he say? Sausages!


OK. Are you ready? We start? Please. Good luck.






Come on, Los Chorizos.


Come on, lads.


Let's get ready to rumble!


# Let's get ready ready Let's get ready ready


# Let's get ready to rumble... #


I know this one!


# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic


# Let's get ready ready Let's get ready ready


# Let's get ready to rumble... #


Come on, Liam, dance!


# Let's get ready ready Let's get ready ready


# Let's get ready to rumble. #


He's forgot the moves, Mam. He's daft, that one.


# It ain't no hype


# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic


# Let's get ready to rumble. #




# ..Let's get ready to rumble Get ready and steady and rumble


# Let's get ready to rumble Let's get ready to rumble


# Get ready, get steady and rumble Everybody rumble... #




Is that my son? Yeah.




Whose buzzed them now? Simon. Simon Cowell?


# ..Everybody rumble Let's get ready to rumble... #


What is Mateo doing?! Ooh!


# ..Get ready, get steady Everybody rumble


# Get ready to rumble It's rumbling


# Get ready to rumble. #




So hot. Thank you.


Alicia, what do you think?


I think you guys are great.You're all very, very sexy. Clearly.


You're a fantastic dancer.


What is there not to like?


David, what did you think? The song was bad enough first time round.




Carmen Electra? Let's get ready to rumble!


I've done this a while, and this is one of the worst groups


I've ever seen in my life.


You don't know what you're talking about!


And the idea that you called yourselves a boy band is ridiculous.


We are a boy band. We'll you're not.


We're not having it.


Right! Right, that's it!


Listen, Cowell, you don't know nothing about talent.


This lad here is my grandson, and if you do anything to hurt him,


I'll kick you so hard where it hurts,


you'll be singing soprano to Ding Dong Merrily On High.


This is my mother Madge, Simon, and I'm sorry -


she gets a bit irritable when she hasn't had a cigarette.


Oh, BLEEP off, you.


Let's vote on it. Carmen?


I'm going to have to say yes.


Alicia? It's a yes from me, guys.


Two yesses? One more and they're through.


I'm going to have to say absolutely no.




So, your fate lies with David.


Hmm. I think there's potential.


I think if you worked for the next 70-80 years, rehearsing,


you might have something, so I'm going to say yes.


They're through.


Thank you!


You're through.




Some of


Some of the


Some of the films we show you on night's -- nights like tonight I


know are really tough to watch. It's not that we want to upset you,


but we've got to show you what's going on in the world, because we


have all got to help change it. Please just stay with us on this


one. Here's David Beckham to tell families live in appalling


making this a very dangerous place to be a child.


Two-year-old Bernard has been brought to hospital


by his distraught dad, Joseph.


The doctors diagnose malaria and pneumonia


and do everything they can to stabilise him.


Joseph has spent all night at his son's bedside


willing his beautiful boy to pull through.


Bernard's breathing suddenly becomes dangerously shallow.


So, he's rushed through to intensive care.


The doctors are doing all they can.


All Joseph can do is wait and hope.


All Joseph can do is wait and hope.


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 71 seconds


Breaks your


Breaks your heart


Breaks your heart doesn't


Breaks your heart doesn't it? Joseph, the father wanted us to


show thaw film because he wants us to help prevent more need ms deaths.


If we can help others, then Bernard will not have died in vain.


Prevention is better than cure and if your rage is as big as mine,


just please make it now to pick up the phone, I immore you. Please --


implore you. Please. Please do it now, because don't wait till later,


because it doesn't happen later. You know that. Here with the


beautiful Sport Relief single Proud is JLS. They've asked to you make


them proud by calling whilst # When my strength was gone


# And you told me that I should live my life to the limit


# When you fall down Get back up and fight


# Well, the shape of my heart don't lie


# I'm determined when you trust in me


# It's all I need


# Now I'm hoping


# If you hear this


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud


# Make me stronger


# So I rise up


# Make my mind up


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Proud, proud


Make you


# Proud, proud


Make you


# Proud, proud


# All that I do is to make you proud


# I never gave up then Cos you said keep hope alive


# And a champion gives one last try, yeah


# Said I deserve the best in life


# I should be winning You got to spread your wings


# And prepare to fly


# Well, the shape of my heart don't lie


# I'm determined with your faith in me


# To make you see, yeah!


# Now I'm hoping, if you hear this


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud


# Make me stronger


# So I rise up


# Made my mind up


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Nobody can tell me


# They were there for me


# Before you came around


# There was pain in every heartbeat


# But eventually


# You built my resolve to be strong


# Now I'm hoping


# If you hear this


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud


# Now I'm hoping


# If you hear this


# You believe that All that I do is to make you proud


# Make me stronger Make me stronger


# So I rise up So I rise up


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud


# All that I do is to make you proud. #






Brilliant, thank


Brilliant, thank you


Brilliant, thank you to JLS. Can you buy the single to help those


who need it most. It's time, it is that Sport Relief time. Time for


one of those amazing, sexy totals. I do love a total. Work your magic.


Are you ready? Here we go. Five, Thank you! I hate to bring you down


off a high, but I have some really bad news. What? Sport Relief is


about to take a small break from BBC One. I'm out, what? But the


good news is Sport Relief is carrying over on BBC Two! Yay!


the two. The goodies keep on coming. Here to take us cross-channel, our


Sport Relief giants, David Walliams and Miranda Hart.


You keep snoging people! You work fast. Do you snog everyone? What do


you mean everyone? Goran Ivanisevic, get in! David, Dermot O'Leary.


Davina McCall. Right! So, yes. The BBC have entrusted David and I to


look after Sport Relief on BBC Two. I see why, BBC Two is a trendier


beast. That's me and Dave all over. Myself and Miranda are basically


street, whereas you two are more dull de-- cul-de-sac with resident


parking. We have our swagger on. If you want proof, check out this


wizard bit of, I don't know what I'm saying, cue tape. On BBC Two,


very royal guests at the offices of 2012. You guys do the Sport Relief


Mile dressed as the official 2012 mascots. Not the mascots, no way.


Anything but them. Never Mind The Buzzcocks. This is like the beep


beepest five aside team you've -- (BLEEP)est five aside team you've


ever seen. Let me get this straight, Mo yles, dor con-- Cordon, Stella


McCartney, amazing performance by Snow Patrol, Freddie Flintoff's


world record attempt and celeb 8 Out Of 10 Cats. Check, check, check.


Oh, my word. Tonight is like George Clooney of Sport Relief, it gets


better looking the long ter goes on. Where are they? Over here. I think


her eye sight is going. We're here to explain the next bit. Before


getting all Professor Brian Cox on your asses, we're about to enter a


parallel universe and be on BBC One and two at the same time. That's


BBC Two right now. The Review Show. Lovely. Looks kind of boring,


doesn't it? We're on soon. On the TV screen behind us, it's BBC One.


Oh, that's us. Whoa! Sport Relief is going to be on both channels at


the same time. Love it. You know what Sport Relief is calls for an


over the top Countdown coming to BBC One and two. Are you up for


this? Is everybody up for this? CHEERING


Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, within. -- One. Here's


another Countdown. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,


We are in simulcast people. BBC One viewers, turn over to BBC Two


Sport Relief is back, and it's bigger and better than ever before. This year's event, in the greatest year of sport, brings together the biggest stars and TV brands in a huge celebration to try and raise a record amount of money for Sport Relief.


The star studded line-up is kicked off by presenters Claudia Winkleman and Gary Lineker, as England and Chelsea star Frank Lampard appears with his fiancee Christine Bleakley for the first time on television, in a special version of popular sitcom Outnumbered filmed at Stamford Bridge.

The amazing night of entertainment also delivers Strictly Come Dancing as you have never seen it before, as 2011 finalists Harry Judd and Chelsee Healey go head-to-head in an incredible underwater challenge for the glitterball trophy. Part 1 sees Harry and Aliona performing, but will they impress the judges? There's also a live performance from LMFAO.


Boxing superstar Amir Khan and England footballer Jermain Defoe brush up on their schooling with help from Stephen Fry and the Horrible Histories cast, while the second instalment of Strictly Come Dancing sees Chelsee and Pasha looking to make a big splash on the dance floor.


Will Frank Skinner overcome his lifetime fear of water by completing his challenge to swim a length of his local swimming pool in West Bromwich where, as a child, he could only watch from the shallow end as all his friends swam?

Dermot O'Leary and Davina McCall take over the presenting duties as the cream of sport joins 'tennis star' Miranda Hart in a sketch at the Royal Albert Hall with hilarious consequences, in the first part of a special sketch for Sport Relief. Miranda manages to shock everybody from Jessica Ennis and Michael Owen to Paula Radcliffe and Roberto Mancini with her sporting antics. Following his amazing challenge against the Thames, David Walliams is also live in the studio.


More sporting stars are blown away by Miranda's antics on the tennis court, while Sport Relief also brings together two of the best-loved shows on television when Benidorm meets Britain's Got Talent, starring Simon Cowell, Alesha Dixon and Ant and Dec. Snow Patrol also perform live.


JLS perform the Sport Relief single Proud, and stars of the England football team cook up a storm with James Martin in the Kitchen.

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