Part 2 Sport Relief

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We are in simulcast, people!

Two viewers, what's up? Over here, we can say boobs, bum and

Tupperware. BBC One is leaving us at any moment. So switch to Two.

Switch to Two, everyone. We love you. We are going to Two! Bye.

is BBC Two. APPLAUSE Brilliant. Hello, BBC Two. We made it. We are

presenting for the first time. first time. Good luck, everyone.

is only for half an hour and it is only on BBC Two. We should give

your BBC Two viewers something only they deserve and that is you

dancing in nothing but your what I call briefs!

# You can dance, you can jive # You can dance, you can jive

# Having the time of your life see that girl, watch that scene

APPLAUSE All right, you know that song was

written about me. That is evident for all to see. Calm down, this is

important. A few minutes ago, we announced that we have raised a

staggering �29,143,340. Wow! Brilliant. I have decided that is

not enough. So here is the deal. If we can raise that total by �1

million in the next 30 minutes, David, what I have decided is, you

will re-create that brief performance live in the studio.

Very clever. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, if I can do it naked! With the briefs,

please. I will do it if you do it with me. Definitely not. What if

you are naked from the waist down? Sure! OK. Start phoning now. Or if

you don't want to see it, don't! Time to move on. Coming up: A right

Royal episode of Twenty Twelve, Blue Peter's Helen Skelton will be

here. Just because she went to the Antarctic and you had paled down a

stream for a bit. The Thames gets pretty cold. Jealousy is an ugly

emotion. You have poisoned the atmosphere. We have a better way to

lighten the mood. Here is a bite- sized special of Never Mind The

Hello there and welcome Never Mind The Buzzcocks

I'm Jake Humphrey, and for once, And alongside me tonight,

And please put your hands together And across the way,

OK, we're going to kick off the is make your way round

and come and join Phill, Austin Very nice. It's now time

This is like the shittest You'd win, though,

For the audience only, England and Spurs legends

# The colours changed Rearranged my life

# Darling, I love you Those diamond lights...

# I'll always want you

# Darling, I love you. #

APPLAUSE

That was, of course, Hoddle and Waddle with Diamond Lights.

But which of our line-up is the song's writer, producer

and keyboard player, Robert Puzey?

Is it number one, diamond lights?

Number two, diamond geezer?

Number three, Diamante?

Number four, blood diamond?

Or number five, diarrhoea?

As Mel C rightly pointed out, number one is Frank Skinner.

Should I say? Is it too soon to say? It's too soon! I'm interested now.

You've come to this conclusion. Can you tell us?

I'm not telling you, I'm not on your team. I'd go for four.

I'm sure we're just one team, aren't we, now?

You've got to have a winner and a loser in this life.

You always have to have a winner

and the loser has to get the shit kicked out of them.

And then the loser has to do PE in his vest and pants.

And go home crying. "But I'm good at drawing!"

"Lock off, Fielding."

I've seen number three in a film where he went into a kitchen

and said, "Hey, I come to fix your washing machine, yes?"

I've seen that film. It's great, isn't it?

What happens at the end of that film?

He doesn't have the parts,he says he'll come back in two weeks.

It's one, he's got confidence, look at him.

What are you going for? Are you going for four?

They're not on our team, though. Copying our work.

But I'm saying we should go for something different,

get a bit of competition going.

This is hardly work, is it?

Come on, what do we think? Number five yawned!

Um, four. OK, Phill's team is saying four. Noel?

One, two, three or five? What do you think?

Thanks, I am thick, but I'm not that thick.

One? Yeah, one. All right. OK, you're going number one? Let's find out.

Would the real Robert Puzey please remove his wig and step forward?

Now a personal meditation and yoga teacher.

Robert Puzey, ladies and gentlemen.

Robert, thank you very much, well done.

No points to either team. Please make your way back.

Well done, everyone, a good effort.

Well done.

OK, time for our next lines round.

As it's Sport Relief,

there's a distinctly sporty theme to all of the lyrics.

I'll read out the first line of a song

and then all the teams have to do is give me the next one.

Noel's team, you're up first.

And your time...starts...now.

It's the eye of the tiger.

# It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight. #

Is the right answer. Survivor, Eye of the Tiger, well done. OK.

Good one for you here, Tim. Three lions on a shirt.

Jules Rimet's still gleaming.

Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds with Three Lions,

it's the right answer.

Dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur.

MEL SINGS "MATCH OF THE DAY" THEME

How did you get that?

How did you get that? Well done.

I'll give you a bonus point if you can tell me who wrote it.

I was going to say Jimmy Hill, but he wrote... Jimi Hendrix. Hold on!

You think Jimmy Hill wrote the theme tune to Match Of The Day?- Tangerine Dream!

Jimmy Hill - he wrote 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One.

99 problems, but a bitch ain't one of them.

Barry Stoller. Of course! Of course it was Barry Stoller. OK.

You've got to hold and give. And do it at the right time.

You've got to... You can be slow or- fast. But you must get to the line.

New Order, World In Motion. Well done.

Well done.

Phill's team. Are you ready? Nope!

I'm forever blowing bubbles.

Pretty bubbles in the air.

West Ham's 1975 cup final song. Damn straight.

Dum dum, dum dum, dum dum dum dum, dum dum.

Dum dum dum dum dum.

Just do it once more. OK, I'll give you another version.

# Dum, dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum-duuum, dum

# Dum, dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum-duuum, dum. #

Is that it? That's it.

The correct answer, Fleetwood Mac, The Chain, well done. OK.

I looked over Jordan. And what did I see?

Peter Andre.

You've only read my line. Coming for to carry me home.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Correct answer.

You're out of time!

You're out of time with two left.

And that brings us to the final scores.

Second on the podium is Phill's team. Good effort, unlucky.

Which means in pole position this week, Noel Fielding's team!

Well done to Noel's team.

And well done to you at home if you've already donated tonight.

I've been Jake Humphrey,

this has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks for Sport Relief

and there's only one way to say good night.

Are you ready for this, Louise?

You're going to be suitably impressed.

MUSIC: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE Thank

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank

Thank you. Thank you

Thank you. Thank you to the gorgeous Jake Humphrey for that

guitar solo. It will never work between us. He watches Formula One,

I watch Cash In The Attic. If you lovely lot manage to raise the

total by �1 million before our bit is over, we will dance in nothing

but our swimming costumes. Please call now - 03457 910 910. Will you

wear the bikini? You would look better in it! Yeah. JLS have been

stars for this year's Sport Relief. Not only are they exceptionally

nice guys, they have also seen first-hand why your money is so

desperately needed. Here is a short film about what happened when they

and he's suffering to see a mother have

So many kids in here, Every single one of them

It is not right. In countries like this, a child dies every 20 seconds

this, a child dies every 20 seconds from a vaccine-preventable disease.

It's terrible. Terrible. Terrible news. Yeah. There is no reason why

he should have died today. Your money could buy simple vaccines

that WILL save children's lives. Please, don't wait. Call now -

03457 910 910. And give what you can. Every child death is

desperately sad. What makes a death like Mohammed's so unbearable is a

vaccination might have prevented it. There's a vaccine that protects

kids from five killer diseases. This is it. It costs �5 to protect

a child's life. Such a small amount of money and you can't put a price

on the difference it will make, so, please, call - 03457 910 910. Thank

you. Now, if you missed the top of our part, you won't be aware of a

very important announcement. Myself, David Walliams, and my co-host,

Miranda Hart... Hello. Have agreed to relinquish any remains of self-

dignity and dance live on TV in nothing but our swimwear. It will

be like Baywatch the Musical. We will only do this if we can raise

our total by �1 million before Sport Relief returns to BBC One.

I'm nervous now. I haven't worn a swimsuit since 1979. I even shower

in a smock! LAUGHTERLy do it if you send in your cash. I bet most of

you will be tapping away on one of these now - it is the wrong pocket!

LAUGHTER Just in case - one of these. I would say please put down

your phone and focus on me, but tonight I'm saying text, text, text.

To donate �10 text "yes" to 70010. Texts cost �10 plus your standard

network message charge - I feel like a proper presenter - and the

whole �10 goes to Sport Relief. Full terms and conditions can be

found... Very good! bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. They do that,

don't they - slash Sport Relief. will be TV gold! It is a spectacle

YOU can't miss so text away. The thought of Miranda dancing in a

swimsuit, it will make me put my hand in my pocket, if you know what

I mean! LAUGHTER You get it? Yeah. You get what I did there? Yeah.

Rude! Rude. Now, when I first heard about this next sketch, I did a wee.

Starring His Royal Actorness, Hugh Bonneville, His Royal Olympicness,

Sir Steve Redgrave, and Her Actual Royal Highness-ness, sort of, Zara

'Another morning at the Olympic 'and, after a meeting with

'has summoned his team together 'Head of Infrastructure -

'Siobhan Sharpe from PR compnay Fran, OK, call me. I've got to go.

Right are you? Yeah, I'm totally good. Good.

OK. Well, basically what's become clear is that Seb's kind of assuming

that 2012 is going to be represented at the Sport Relief weekend in March.

Oh, that's great that is(!) Did youtell him you were already organising the big games?

Obviously this is a terrific opportunity for us the plant

the 2012 flag firmly in the Sport Relief soil and see what comes up.

Sure. Totally. Well, that's easy.

When have we got to do all this planting by?

I know the Sport Relief press launches this afternoon.

So if we can come up with something by lunchtime... OK.

What? This lunchtime? Hellfire(!) That's like now.

How's that going to work? Well, no. That's already now.

The first thing to come up with is a name that we all feel

will be great to have associated with the Twenty Twelve as a brand.

Cool. So, Siobhan, as Head of Brand,

perhaps you'd like to... No, no, that's a terrific idea.

Yes, OK. So in terms of actual ideas actually from you.

No, sure. No, totally

Um, so what we do here is we go round the room and names,

names, names but don't think, just see what comes out. Graham, go!

What? Me? No, I... No, don't think, just say stuff.

In other words, just be your natural self.

It's just really like... You can be as lateral as you like. Go!

Um, er... Sir Cliff Richard.

No. No. I don't think...

Sir Richard Branson. No, not him. No.

Sir Jimmy Savile OK, that's better.

I don't want to be picky, but isn't he technically dead?

I think he is, yes.

I'm just being lateral here, guys, all right?

'As time ticks away, Ian is aware that if they are to come up with

'a list of appropriate names by lunchtime,

'at some point they are going to have to move beyond inappropriate ones.'

The choir guy with the hair.

Nigel Kennedy. Right.

OK, if I could just sum up where we've got to so far.

So far we've come up with Usain Bolt, Geoffrey Boycott, Michelle Obama.

We love Michelle. We love her arms. What?

Sir Jimmy Savile - deceased.

And the guy who does choirs who isn't either Brian Cox or Gary Rhodes.

Oh, right, OK.

I think we need to go round again. KNOCKING

Sorry. Hey, Dan. We are actually a bit busy...

'But suddenly PA Daniel Stroud has arrived out of nowhere with some news.'

I've just had a call from upstairs.

Oh, here we go. No it's good news. It's great news.

Seb's just been in this meeting with Zara Phillips and Sir Steve Redgrave.

Oh, right.

Basically he's given them the impression that his team, that's you guys, have been working on

ideas of things the two of them could do for Sports Relief.

You mean he's offered it to them?

I know. I'm very excited. Now I've got to go up and get them.

Daniel, how long do you think you could keep them talking before they notice anything odd?

I'm good at talking, it's my favourite.

Well, today's the day that becomnes helpful. So do your best.

Right, OK, I think the main thing now is just to stay calm.

OK, are you sure? So here's a thing with this.

Um, OK, here's what we do here. The thing with this is, here's what it is with this.

OK, what we do here is... The thing with this is..

Siobhan, can you stop talking, please? Yuh. Sure.

I'm sorry, we haven't got time for... No, I'm totally good on that.

So what are we dealing with here?

Rowing, riding, horses, water, we've got the Sport Relief mile.

We just need to find a way of combining these.

Can Zara Phillips swim? Well, I mean,

let's assume for the purposes of our... For that matter, can Steve Redgrave jump?

Yeah, nice one. Cool. Jump what?

That's up to him, isn't it?

So can she jump over him? No.

Well, let's just be creative here.

Do you think her horse can swim?

Let's go beyond jumping and swimming altogether

What about he rows his boat under a mile of horses?

Hellfire. And the key.... No, that's wrong.

I think the absolute key thing...KNOCKING

Hey, everybody. Brilliant(!) what can I say?.

Sir Steve Redgrave and the most utterly Royal Miss Zara Phillips.

Well. Yay.

Well, thank you, Daniel. Well, er, welcome.

Thank you so much for stopping by at short notice like this.

Er, couldn't be better timing, could it?

Let me just do the introductions I'm... I'm Siobhan Sharpe, Head of Brand. So cool to meet you.

'The team's challenge now is to find a way of taking Steve and Zara through a selection of their ideas

'for Twenty Twelve's contribution to Sport Relief

'without either of them noticingthat they haven't actually got any.'

OK, so good, right. So that's all good

I mean, perhaps if I just start and give you a very general sense of...

Great. OK. So thanks for that, Ian.

Um, so here's the thing with this, OK? Here's what we do here.

You guys do the Sport Relief mile but you do it dressed as the official Twenty Twelve mascots

Mandolin and...

Mandolin?! That's not right.

Manadarin and, you know... Mandarin and Wedlock. Yeah, whatever.

No, that's rubbish. Is it Windolene? Windolene and Dreadlock.

Dreadlock? No, OK. Er, Deadlock.

Oh, OK, guys, pull out here. Windolene and Deadlock.

So what's cool about this...

Sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there.

Excuse me? Not the mascots. No way.

Anything but them. No, sure. OK.

Fair enough. OK, excellent

Have you got anything a bit more exciting than that?

Absolutely. Yes. Yeah, sure.

What we did talk about. Sure.

What we did think was that Zara could do a jumping course, you know,

the Sport Relief mile on jumps, cross country.

On her horse. On her horse, yes, Cool.

Yes, thank you for that, Graham.

And then basically what we were thinking was, essentially... happens, you see, is you come up to

one of those, um, what are they called?

No, don't help me. It's like a normal jump but with water on the other side of it.

Anyway, who cares what that's called. Water jump?

Yeah, right. Is it? D'oh!

Yeah, so you're coming up to that, OK?

But what you don't know is that Sir Steve is in the water on the other side in his canoe. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a boat actually. Yeah, classic.

So you're jumping over the fence and Sir Steve as well.

Right. No, but at the same time. Cool. What happens if she doesn't make it?

Yeah. What?! Well, that's the exciting bit. Yeah, that's the exciting bit, obviously.

I'm not going to be doing that. No. No, me neither.

It feels like we're definitely narrowing down our choices here, so that's all good.

Obviously if there's anything the two of you like the idea of doing... No, sure.

.,.then do say because we might be able to incorporate that

into something we've already been talking about. That could totally work.

We were thinking about that on the way down.

I always liked the idea of learning how to row properly.

Right. And I wouldn't mind some riding lessons.

So then we thought we could teach each other and then compete over the mile for Sport Relief.

And maybe having a video diary of the whole process.

Right.

Holy shit.

I mean, that's interesting. I mean in terms of the shape of the idea.

That's the way we were headed with this whole thing.

Sure, totally. Um, but, of course, we wanted to give you

the opportunity of feeling ownership of the idea going forward.

We do feel ownership of the idea. Because it's our bloody idea.

Well, yes, exactly. Exactly. So that's what you call a win-win situation. Guys, slam dunk.

Yeah, happy days.

You lot are bloody incredible. the hell are you organising the Olympic Games?

Welcome to Twenty Twelve. Welcome to Deliverance.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE Funnily

Funnily enough,

Funnily enough, that

Funnily enough, that is

Funnily enough, that is exactly what it is like when ideas come

into the BBC! You should hear some of the ridiculous suggestions the

producers threw at us for Sport Relief! Like dancing in our

swimsuits! We agreed to that one. Time for someone to do something

pretty outrageous for Sport Relief. She got to keep her clothes on,

which is just as well considering where she was. This is how Helen

Skelton took on the Antarctic and It's been a tough 12 hours. My

hands are freezing. It is exhausting. There is something so

APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, we give to you our South Pole

superstar - Helen Skelton! Helen Skelton! What an amazing woman you

are. What? Steady on! You play that music, they go mad! You all right?

Warm enough? I have been warm ever since. You are such an amazing

woman. What was thardest bit? was a real privilege to go -- what

was the hardest bit? It was a real privilege to go there. It was a

stunning place. There is no chance to wash, or shower. You are in the

thermals for two months. You just feel grotty the whole time. Like

you! LAUGHTER You spoke to your mum on Christmas Day. How hard was it

missing your family over that period? I agreed to go, I knew I

was going over Christmas and New Year, I didn't think I would be

that bothered, but I was really homesick. If you can talk and text,

it is good, I'm fine. But you don't have that opportunity because you

are at the bottom of the world. I missed them a lot. I promised I

will be around for the next Christmas. What I found really hard,

when he did the little swim thing... Back to me! He had a constant

change of scenery. You had white? Was that hard? It does get boring.

You have 24 hours of sunlight so you see white from floor to ceiling.

I used to sing, which wound my team-mate up no end because I

cannot sing. When you have earphones in you think you can.

Well, it is an amazing achievement. You have inspired thousands of

children to take part in Sport Relief this year. That is not all,

your Polar Challenge raised a That's so good. Now, the three of

us have quite a lot of in common. Do we? We are super-fit and

athletic. Two of us are! And we all have Blue Peter Badges. It is true.

You know I have a gold Blue Peter Badge. I don't want to go on about

it, there is only ten in the world and I have got one. OK. Don't worry,

you will go one better than David "Modest" Walliams. We would like to

present to you our very own Polar Challenge Blue Peter Badge. It is

one of a kind. It is made of ice. It's melted! LAUGHTER Only kidding!

We are joshing with you. This is the badge. Wow! Thank you. Ladies

and gentlemen, Helen Skelton. APPLAUSE OK. Even though one this

four of us will experience mental health issues in our lives,

depression and mental illness are still subjects people find hard to

talk about. We would like to say a thank you to the men you are about

to hear from. Here is Manchester One in four people will experience

mental health problems at some point in their lives. It could be

me, you, or it could be anyone. was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Depression. Bipolar. I got diagnosed after my mum died in 2009.

It can creep up without warning. didn't think any mental health

problems could happen to me. thought I was a stronger person to

deal with it, but I wasn't. It can turn your life upside-down. I lost

touch with my friends. I went down and down and down. I just want to

shut myself away. You suffer more bad days... Than good. I was having

bad days all the time. The effects are often devastating. I have tried

to take my life. To be honest, I didn't want to be around whatsoever.

I tried to put a rope around my neck. Life sometimes is just so

hard. Suicide is the biggest cause of death in men under the age of 35.

It is a serious problem and we need to tackle it. Sport Relief is doing

that with a project called Imagine Your Goals. Football is changing

Any time I play football, I feel free. I have fun. It's made a big

change in my life. It gives me something to look forward to.

was a lifeline. It is probably one of the best things in my life.

enjoy my football. I have to admit that. Your donations will help

support projects supporting people with mental health problems. One in

four of us will be in their shoes at some point in our lives.

really don't want to think about life without the Imagine Your Goals

programme. If I was away from Imagine Your Goals... I don't think

I would be here today. Please pick up the phone and call 03457 910 910.

Or go online and give what you can to help us do more. Thank you.

Thanks to them for telling us how it is. And proving with support

things really can change. Do remember half of the money you

donate will be spent here in the UK. �50 could pay for a place on a

course to help someone recover from mental health problems. Please text

"yes" to 70010 and your �10 donation will help those that need

it most. Texts cost �10 plus your standard network charge and the

whole �10 goes to Sport Relief. Thank you. Sport Relief does not

end when we come off air. This Sunday hundreds of thousands of you

will be taking part in the Sport Relief Mile. Your sterling efforts

will raise a huge amount of sterling so in advance... It wasn't

that funny! We thank you. That gag was hilarious. If you haven't

signed up for the mile, it is not too late. Visit our website and

enter. Here is The One Show's Matt and Alex to tell you more. Join us

on BBC One this Sunday when we will be live from the middle of The Mall

for the biggest ever Sport Relief Mile Show. One million milers are

taking part and we will be bringing you all the action as well as

special guest, JLS... And music from Olly Murs. Join us on Sunday

and go the extra mile for Sport Relief. You will never guess who is

It really is going to be a special and spectacular end to Sport Relief

2012. So if you are taking part on Sunday, we wish you all the very

best. You might also be interested to know that the special Sport

Relief Mile in Salford was started this morning by a very important

lady. I presume she won a competition online or something.

I'm a bit annoyed, I was promised I would be the only Queen on this

show! Anyway, time to welcome back Gary Lineker who is here to remind

you why we are here tonight. Thanks very much. Earlier this year, my

wife Danielle and I went to Bangladesh. What we saw there was

truly shocking. Please watch this In the slums of Dhaka, children are

It's not just the danger But unimaginable

bashing away all day every day, seven days a week, 12 hours a day.

These kids don't go to school,

they're doing hard labour making gravel

for the construction industry.

Their parents have no choice.

If they don't all work, they don't eat.

I mean, it's like they've been given some sort of life sentence

from a very early age.

It's just so wrong.

Tucked away in this yard, we found this beautiful little girl Rehana,

working with her mum.

How are you? Hi. Hello!

Wow, you're so... How old are you?

Aat. Eight. Oh, she's tiny.

And all your daughters,they chip bricks every day, all day?

But even in this awful poverty,

parents still have hopes and dreams for their kids.

TRANSLATION: I want Rehana to go to school

so she can get a good job and not have to work here.

But school just isn't a choice for children like Rehana.

Their families can't afford it.

It's so kind of...frustrating.

All they want...

They don't want handouts - they just want to go to school to learn.

Yeah?

But without the lifeline of education,

children like Rehana could spend the rest of their lives

working in a place like this.

Please, don't let that happen.

All you've got to do is call 03457 910 910

and you can make a difference.

You really can.

I

I know,

I know, it's

I know, it's upsetting. You can help. Please text "yes" to 70010.

Your �10 will help us to help those kids. They desperately need a

chance. Texts cost �10 plus your standard network charge. You may be

wondering where Miranda and David have gone. In the last 35 minutes,

you have hit the target and raised the total by �1 million which means

that all your weirdest and warped dreams are about to come true. I

give you Sport Relief's very own Dancing Queens, Dame David Walliams

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 76 seconds

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you for donating. YOU are amazing. Thank

you to Gary for letting me borrow his socks. That is almost it on BBC

Two. The party continues on One. It is only with James Corden and John

Bishop. APPLAUSE And that is not all, there is "Ab Fab" with Kate