David Walliams and Miranda Hart present as the Sport Relief marathon continues. Celebrities featured include Zara Phillips, Sir Steve Redgrave, Louise Redknapp and Mel C.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We are in simulcast, people!
Two viewers, what's up? Over here, we can say boobs, bum and
Tupperware. BBC One is leaving us at any moment. So switch to Two.
Switch to Two, everyone. We love you. We are going to Two! Bye.
is BBC Two. APPLAUSE Brilliant. Hello, BBC Two. We made it. We are
presenting for the first time. first time. Good luck, everyone.
is only for half an hour and it is only on BBC Two. We should give
your BBC Two viewers something only they deserve and that is you
dancing in nothing but your what I call briefs!
# You can dance, you can jive # You can dance, you can jive
# Having the time of your life see that girl, watch that scene
APPLAUSE All right, you know that song was
written about me. That is evident for all to see. Calm down, this is
important. A few minutes ago, we announced that we have raised a
staggering �29,143,340. Wow! Brilliant. I have decided that is
not enough. So here is the deal. If we can raise that total by �1
million in the next 30 minutes, David, what I have decided is, you
will re-create that brief performance live in the studio.
Very clever. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, if I can do it naked! With the briefs,
please. I will do it if you do it with me. Definitely not. What if
you are naked from the waist down? Sure! OK. Start phoning now. Or if
you don't want to see it, don't! Time to move on. Coming up: A right
Royal episode of Twenty Twelve, Blue Peter's Helen Skelton will be
here. Just because she went to the Antarctic and you had paled down a
stream for a bit. The Thames gets pretty cold. Jealousy is an ugly
emotion. You have poisoned the atmosphere. We have a better way to
lighten the mood. Here is a bite- sized special of Never Mind The
Hello there and welcome Never Mind The Buzzcocks
I'm Jake Humphrey, and for once, And alongside me tonight,
And please put your hands together And across the way,
OK, we're going to kick off the is make your way round
and come and join Phill, Austin Very nice. It's now time
This is like the shittest You'd win, though,
For the audience only, England and Spurs legends
# The colours changed Rearranged my life
# Darling, I love you Those diamond lights...
# I'll always want you
# Darling, I love you. #
That was, of course, Hoddle and Waddle with Diamond Lights.
But which of our line-up is the song's writer, producer
and keyboard player, Robert Puzey?
Is it number one, diamond lights?
Number two, diamond geezer?
Number three, Diamante?
Number four, blood diamond?
Or number five, diarrhoea?
As Mel C rightly pointed out, number one is Frank Skinner.
Should I say? Is it too soon to say? It's too soon! I'm interested now.
You've come to this conclusion. Can you tell us?
I'm not telling you, I'm not on your team. I'd go for four.
I'm sure we're just one team, aren't we, now?
You've got to have a winner and a loser in this life.
You always have to have a winner
and the loser has to get the shit kicked out of them.
And then the loser has to do PE in his vest and pants.
And go home crying. "But I'm good at drawing!"
"Lock off, Fielding."
I've seen number three in a film where he went into a kitchen
and said, "Hey, I come to fix your washing machine, yes?"
I've seen that film. It's great, isn't it?
What happens at the end of that film?
He doesn't have the parts,he says he'll come back in two weeks.
It's one, he's got confidence, look at him.
What are you going for? Are you going for four?
They're not on our team, though. Copying our work.
But I'm saying we should go for something different,
get a bit of competition going.
This is hardly work, is it?
Come on, what do we think? Number five yawned!
Um, four. OK, Phill's team is saying four. Noel?
One, two, three or five? What do you think?
Thanks, I am thick, but I'm not that thick.
One? Yeah, one. All right. OK, you're going number one? Let's find out.
Would the real Robert Puzey please remove his wig and step forward?
Now a personal meditation and yoga teacher.
Robert Puzey, ladies and gentlemen.
Robert, thank you very much, well done.
No points to either team. Please make your way back.
Well done, everyone, a good effort.
OK, time for our next lines round.
As it's Sport Relief,
there's a distinctly sporty theme to all of the lyrics.
I'll read out the first line of a song
and then all the teams have to do is give me the next one.
Noel's team, you're up first.
And your time...starts...now.
It's the eye of the tiger.
# It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight. #
Is the right answer. Survivor, Eye of the Tiger, well done. OK.
Good one for you here, Tim. Three lions on a shirt.
Jules Rimet's still gleaming.
Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds with Three Lions,
it's the right answer.
Dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur, dur.
MEL SINGS "MATCH OF THE DAY" THEME
How did you get that?
How did you get that? Well done.
I'll give you a bonus point if you can tell me who wrote it.
I was going to say Jimmy Hill, but he wrote... Jimi Hendrix. Hold on!
You think Jimmy Hill wrote the theme tune to Match Of The Day?- Tangerine Dream!
Jimmy Hill - he wrote 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One.
99 problems, but a bitch ain't one of them.
Barry Stoller. Of course! Of course it was Barry Stoller. OK.
You've got to hold and give. And do it at the right time.
You've got to... You can be slow or- fast. But you must get to the line.
New Order, World In Motion. Well done.
Phill's team. Are you ready? Nope!
I'm forever blowing bubbles.
Pretty bubbles in the air.
West Ham's 1975 cup final song. Damn straight.
Dum dum, dum dum, dum dum dum dum, dum dum.
Dum dum dum dum dum.
Just do it once more. OK, I'll give you another version.
# Dum, dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum-duuum, dum
# Dum, dum-dum-dum Dum-dum-dum-dum-duuum, dum. #
Is that it? That's it.
The correct answer, Fleetwood Mac, The Chain, well done. OK.
I looked over Jordan. And what did I see?
You've only read my line. Coming for to carry me home.
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Correct answer.
You're out of time!
You're out of time with two left.
And that brings us to the final scores.
Second on the podium is Phill's team. Good effort, unlucky.
Which means in pole position this week, Noel Fielding's team!
Well done to Noel's team.
And well done to you at home if you've already donated tonight.
I've been Jake Humphrey,
this has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks for Sport Relief
and there's only one way to say good night.
Are you ready for this, Louise?
You're going to be suitably impressed.
MUSIC: "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac
Thank you. Thank
Thank you. Thank you
Thank you. Thank you to the gorgeous Jake Humphrey for that
guitar solo. It will never work between us. He watches Formula One,
I watch Cash In The Attic. If you lovely lot manage to raise the
total by �1 million before our bit is over, we will dance in nothing
but our swimming costumes. Please call now - 03457 910 910. Will you
wear the bikini? You would look better in it! Yeah. JLS have been
stars for this year's Sport Relief. Not only are they exceptionally
nice guys, they have also seen first-hand why your money is so
desperately needed. Here is a short film about what happened when they
and he's suffering to see a mother have
So many kids in here, Every single one of them
It is not right. In countries like this, a child dies every 20 seconds
this, a child dies every 20 seconds from a vaccine-preventable disease.
It's terrible. Terrible. Terrible news. Yeah. There is no reason why
he should have died today. Your money could buy simple vaccines
that WILL save children's lives. Please, don't wait. Call now -
03457 910 910. And give what you can. Every child death is
desperately sad. What makes a death like Mohammed's so unbearable is a
vaccination might have prevented it. There's a vaccine that protects
kids from five killer diseases. This is it. It costs �5 to protect
a child's life. Such a small amount of money and you can't put a price
on the difference it will make, so, please, call - 03457 910 910. Thank
you. Now, if you missed the top of our part, you won't be aware of a
very important announcement. Myself, David Walliams, and my co-host,
Miranda Hart... Hello. Have agreed to relinquish any remains of self-
dignity and dance live on TV in nothing but our swimwear. It will
be like Baywatch the Musical. We will only do this if we can raise
our total by �1 million before Sport Relief returns to BBC One.
I'm nervous now. I haven't worn a swimsuit since 1979. I even shower
in a smock! LAUGHTERLy do it if you send in your cash. I bet most of
you will be tapping away on one of these now - it is the wrong pocket!
LAUGHTER Just in case - one of these. I would say please put down
your phone and focus on me, but tonight I'm saying text, text, text.
To donate �10 text "yes" to 70010. Texts cost �10 plus your standard
network message charge - I feel like a proper presenter - and the
whole �10 goes to Sport Relief. Full terms and conditions can be
found... Very good! bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. They do that,
don't they - slash Sport Relief. will be TV gold! It is a spectacle
YOU can't miss so text away. The thought of Miranda dancing in a
swimsuit, it will make me put my hand in my pocket, if you know what
I mean! LAUGHTER You get it? Yeah. You get what I did there? Yeah.
Rude! Rude. Now, when I first heard about this next sketch, I did a wee.
Starring His Royal Actorness, Hugh Bonneville, His Royal Olympicness,
Sir Steve Redgrave, and Her Actual Royal Highness-ness, sort of, Zara
'Another morning at the Olympic 'and, after a meeting with
'has summoned his team together 'Head of Infrastructure -
'Siobhan Sharpe from PR compnay Fran, OK, call me. I've got to go.
Right are you? Yeah, I'm totally good. Good.
OK. Well, basically what's become clear is that Seb's kind of assuming
that 2012 is going to be represented at the Sport Relief weekend in March.
Oh, that's great that is(!) Did youtell him you were already organising the big games?
Obviously this is a terrific opportunity for us the plant
the 2012 flag firmly in the Sport Relief soil and see what comes up.
Sure. Totally. Well, that's easy.
When have we got to do all this planting by?
I know the Sport Relief press launches this afternoon.
So if we can come up with something by lunchtime... OK.
What? This lunchtime? Hellfire(!) That's like now.
How's that going to work? Well, no. That's already now.
The first thing to come up with is a name that we all feel
will be great to have associated with the Twenty Twelve as a brand.
Cool. So, Siobhan, as Head of Brand,
perhaps you'd like to... No, no, that's a terrific idea.
Yes, OK. So in terms of actual ideas actually from you.
No, sure. No, totally
Um, so what we do here is we go round the room and names,
names, names but don't think, just see what comes out. Graham, go!
What? Me? No, I... No, don't think, just say stuff.
In other words, just be your natural self.
It's just really like... You can be as lateral as you like. Go!
Um, er... Sir Cliff Richard.
No. No. I don't think...
Sir Richard Branson. No, not him. No.
Sir Jimmy Savile OK, that's better.
I don't want to be picky, but isn't he technically dead?
I think he is, yes.
I'm just being lateral here, guys, all right?
'As time ticks away, Ian is aware that if they are to come up with
'a list of appropriate names by lunchtime,
'at some point they are going to have to move beyond inappropriate ones.'
The choir guy with the hair.
Nigel Kennedy. Right.
OK, if I could just sum up where we've got to so far.
So far we've come up with Usain Bolt, Geoffrey Boycott, Michelle Obama.
We love Michelle. We love her arms. What?
Sir Jimmy Savile - deceased.
And the guy who does choirs who isn't either Brian Cox or Gary Rhodes.
Oh, right, OK.
I think we need to go round again. KNOCKING
Sorry. Hey, Dan. We are actually a bit busy...
'But suddenly PA Daniel Stroud has arrived out of nowhere with some news.'
I've just had a call from upstairs.
Oh, here we go. No it's good news. It's great news.
Seb's just been in this meeting with Zara Phillips and Sir Steve Redgrave.
Basically he's given them the impression that his team, that's you guys, have been working on
ideas of things the two of them could do for Sports Relief.
You mean he's offered it to them?
I know. I'm very excited. Now I've got to go up and get them.
Daniel, how long do you think you could keep them talking before they notice anything odd?
I'm good at talking, it's my favourite.
Well, today's the day that becomnes helpful. So do your best.
Right, OK, I think the main thing now is just to stay calm.
OK, are you sure? So here's a thing with this.
Um, OK, here's what we do here. The thing with this is, here's what it is with this.
OK, what we do here is... The thing with this is..
Siobhan, can you stop talking, please? Yuh. Sure.
I'm sorry, we haven't got time for... No, I'm totally good on that.
So what are we dealing with here?
Rowing, riding, horses, water, we've got the Sport Relief mile.
We just need to find a way of combining these.
Can Zara Phillips swim? Well, I mean,
let's assume for the purposes of our... For that matter, can Steve Redgrave jump?
Yeah, nice one. Cool. Jump what?
That's up to him, isn't it?
So can she jump over him? No.
Well, let's just be creative here.
Do you think her horse can swim?
Let's go beyond jumping and swimming altogether
What about he rows his boat under a mile of horses?
Hellfire. And the key.... No, that's wrong.
I think the absolute key thing...KNOCKING
Hey, everybody. Brilliant(!) what can I say?.
Sir Steve Redgrave and the most utterly Royal Miss Zara Phillips.
Well, thank you, Daniel. Well, er, welcome.
Thank you so much for stopping by at short notice like this.
Er, couldn't be better timing, could it?
Let me just do the introductions I'm... I'm Siobhan Sharpe, Head of Brand. So cool to meet you.
'The team's challenge now is to find a way of taking Steve and Zara through a selection of their ideas
'for Twenty Twelve's contribution to Sport Relief
'without either of them noticingthat they haven't actually got any.'
OK, so good, right. So that's all good
I mean, perhaps if I just start and give you a very general sense of...
Great. OK. So thanks for that, Ian.
Um, so here's the thing with this, OK? Here's what we do here.
You guys do the Sport Relief mile but you do it dressed as the official Twenty Twelve mascots
Mandolin?! That's not right.
Manadarin and, you know... Mandarin and Wedlock. Yeah, whatever.
No, that's rubbish. Is it Windolene? Windolene and Dreadlock.
Dreadlock? No, OK. Er, Deadlock.
Oh, OK, guys, pull out here. Windolene and Deadlock.
So what's cool about this...
Sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there.
Excuse me? Not the mascots. No way.
Anything but them. No, sure. OK.
Fair enough. OK, excellent
Have you got anything a bit more exciting than that?
Absolutely. Yes. Yeah, sure.
What we did talk about. Sure.
What we did think was that Zara could do a jumping course, you know,
the Sport Relief mile on jumps, cross country.
On her horse. On her horse, yes, Cool.
Yes, thank you for that, Graham.
And then basically what we were thinking was, essentially... happens, you see, is you come up to
one of those, um, what are they called?
No, don't help me. It's like a normal jump but with water on the other side of it.
Anyway, who cares what that's called. Water jump?
Yeah, right. Is it? D'oh!
Yeah, so you're coming up to that, OK?
But what you don't know is that Sir Steve is in the water on the other side in his canoe. Yeah.
Yeah, it's a boat actually. Yeah, classic.
So you're jumping over the fence and Sir Steve as well.
Right. No, but at the same time. Cool. What happens if she doesn't make it?
Yeah. What?! Well, that's the exciting bit. Yeah, that's the exciting bit, obviously.
I'm not going to be doing that. No. No, me neither.
It feels like we're definitely narrowing down our choices here, so that's all good.
Obviously if there's anything the two of you like the idea of doing... No, sure.
.,.then do say because we might be able to incorporate that
into something we've already been talking about. That could totally work.
We were thinking about that on the way down.
I always liked the idea of learning how to row properly.
Right. And I wouldn't mind some riding lessons.
So then we thought we could teach each other and then compete over the mile for Sport Relief.
And maybe having a video diary of the whole process.
I mean, that's interesting. I mean in terms of the shape of the idea.
That's the way we were headed with this whole thing.
Sure, totally. Um, but, of course, we wanted to give you
the opportunity of feeling ownership of the idea going forward.
We do feel ownership of the idea. Because it's our bloody idea.
Well, yes, exactly. Exactly. So that's what you call a win-win situation. Guys, slam dunk.
Yeah, happy days.
You lot are bloody incredible. the hell are you organising the Olympic Games?
Welcome to Twenty Twelve. Welcome to Deliverance.
Funnily enough, that
Funnily enough, that is
Funnily enough, that is exactly what it is like when ideas come
into the BBC! You should hear some of the ridiculous suggestions the
producers threw at us for Sport Relief! Like dancing in our
swimsuits! We agreed to that one. Time for someone to do something
pretty outrageous for Sport Relief. She got to keep her clothes on,
which is just as well considering where she was. This is how Helen
Skelton took on the Antarctic and It's been a tough 12 hours. My
hands are freezing. It is exhausting. There is something so
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, we give to you our South Pole
superstar - Helen Skelton! Helen Skelton! What an amazing woman you
are. What? Steady on! You play that music, they go mad! You all right?
Warm enough? I have been warm ever since. You are such an amazing
woman. What was thardest bit? was a real privilege to go -- what
was the hardest bit? It was a real privilege to go there. It was a
stunning place. There is no chance to wash, or shower. You are in the
thermals for two months. You just feel grotty the whole time. Like
you! LAUGHTER You spoke to your mum on Christmas Day. How hard was it
missing your family over that period? I agreed to go, I knew I
was going over Christmas and New Year, I didn't think I would be
that bothered, but I was really homesick. If you can talk and text,
it is good, I'm fine. But you don't have that opportunity because you
are at the bottom of the world. I missed them a lot. I promised I
will be around for the next Christmas. What I found really hard,
when he did the little swim thing... Back to me! He had a constant
change of scenery. You had white? Was that hard? It does get boring.
You have 24 hours of sunlight so you see white from floor to ceiling.
I used to sing, which wound my team-mate up no end because I
cannot sing. When you have earphones in you think you can.
Well, it is an amazing achievement. You have inspired thousands of
children to take part in Sport Relief this year. That is not all,
your Polar Challenge raised a That's so good. Now, the three of
us have quite a lot of in common. Do we? We are super-fit and
athletic. Two of us are! And we all have Blue Peter Badges. It is true.
You know I have a gold Blue Peter Badge. I don't want to go on about
it, there is only ten in the world and I have got one. OK. Don't worry,
you will go one better than David "Modest" Walliams. We would like to
present to you our very own Polar Challenge Blue Peter Badge. It is
one of a kind. It is made of ice. It's melted! LAUGHTER Only kidding!
We are joshing with you. This is the badge. Wow! Thank you. Ladies
and gentlemen, Helen Skelton. APPLAUSE OK. Even though one this
four of us will experience mental health issues in our lives,
depression and mental illness are still subjects people find hard to
talk about. We would like to say a thank you to the men you are about
to hear from. Here is Manchester One in four people will experience
mental health problems at some point in their lives. It could be
me, you, or it could be anyone. was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
Depression. Bipolar. I got diagnosed after my mum died in 2009.
It can creep up without warning. didn't think any mental health
problems could happen to me. thought I was a stronger person to
deal with it, but I wasn't. It can turn your life upside-down. I lost
touch with my friends. I went down and down and down. I just want to
shut myself away. You suffer more bad days... Than good. I was having
bad days all the time. The effects are often devastating. I have tried
to take my life. To be honest, I didn't want to be around whatsoever.
I tried to put a rope around my neck. Life sometimes is just so
hard. Suicide is the biggest cause of death in men under the age of 35.
It is a serious problem and we need to tackle it. Sport Relief is doing
that with a project called Imagine Your Goals. Football is changing
Any time I play football, I feel free. I have fun. It's made a big
change in my life. It gives me something to look forward to.
was a lifeline. It is probably one of the best things in my life.
enjoy my football. I have to admit that. Your donations will help
support projects supporting people with mental health problems. One in
four of us will be in their shoes at some point in our lives.
really don't want to think about life without the Imagine Your Goals
programme. If I was away from Imagine Your Goals... I don't think
I would be here today. Please pick up the phone and call 03457 910 910.
Or go online and give what you can to help us do more. Thank you.
Thanks to them for telling us how it is. And proving with support
things really can change. Do remember half of the money you
donate will be spent here in the UK. �50 could pay for a place on a
course to help someone recover from mental health problems. Please text
"yes" to 70010 and your �10 donation will help those that need
it most. Texts cost �10 plus your standard network charge and the
whole �10 goes to Sport Relief. Thank you. Sport Relief does not
end when we come off air. This Sunday hundreds of thousands of you
will be taking part in the Sport Relief Mile. Your sterling efforts
will raise a huge amount of sterling so in advance... It wasn't
that funny! We thank you. That gag was hilarious. If you haven't
signed up for the mile, it is not too late. Visit our website and
enter. Here is The One Show's Matt and Alex to tell you more. Join us
on BBC One this Sunday when we will be live from the middle of The Mall
for the biggest ever Sport Relief Mile Show. One million milers are
taking part and we will be bringing you all the action as well as
special guest, JLS... And music from Olly Murs. Join us on Sunday
and go the extra mile for Sport Relief. You will never guess who is
It really is going to be a special and spectacular end to Sport Relief
2012. So if you are taking part on Sunday, we wish you all the very
best. You might also be interested to know that the special Sport
Relief Mile in Salford was started this morning by a very important
lady. I presume she won a competition online or something.
I'm a bit annoyed, I was promised I would be the only Queen on this
show! Anyway, time to welcome back Gary Lineker who is here to remind
you why we are here tonight. Thanks very much. Earlier this year, my
wife Danielle and I went to Bangladesh. What we saw there was
truly shocking. Please watch this In the slums of Dhaka, children are
It's not just the danger But unimaginable
bashing away all day every day, seven days a week, 12 hours a day.
These kids don't go to school,
they're doing hard labour making gravel
for the construction industry.
Their parents have no choice.
If they don't all work, they don't eat.
I mean, it's like they've been given some sort of life sentence
from a very early age.
It's just so wrong.
Tucked away in this yard, we found this beautiful little girl Rehana,
working with her mum.
How are you? Hi. Hello!
Wow, you're so... How old are you?
Aat. Eight. Oh, she's tiny.
And all your daughters,they chip bricks every day, all day?
But even in this awful poverty,
parents still have hopes and dreams for their kids.
TRANSLATION: I want Rehana to go to school
so she can get a good job and not have to work here.
But school just isn't a choice for children like Rehana.
Their families can't afford it.
It's so kind of...frustrating.
All they want...
They don't want handouts - they just want to go to school to learn.
But without the lifeline of education,
children like Rehana could spend the rest of their lives
working in a place like this.
Please, don't let that happen.
All you've got to do is call 03457 910 910
and you can make a difference.
You really can.
I know, it's
I know, it's upsetting. You can help. Please text "yes" to 70010.
Your �10 will help us to help those kids. They desperately need a
chance. Texts cost �10 plus your standard network charge. You may be
wondering where Miranda and David have gone. In the last 35 minutes,
you have hit the target and raised the total by �1 million which means
that all your weirdest and warped dreams are about to come true. I
give you Sport Relief's very own Dancing Queens, Dame David Walliams
Apology for the loss of subtitles for 76 seconds
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you for donating. YOU are amazing. Thank
you to Gary for letting me borrow his socks. That is almost it on BBC
Two. The party continues on One. It is only with James Corden and John
Bishop. APPLAUSE And that is not all, there is "Ab Fab" with Kate
The Sport Relief marathon continues on BBC2 with David Walliams and Miranda Hart taking over the presenting duties. Sporting royalty Zara Phillips and Sir Steve Redgrave join the cast of Twenty Twelve as the spoof organisers of the 'Olympics' produce yet another fine mess en route to the Games, while Jake Humphrey presents a special Never Mind the Buzzcocks with Louise Redknapp and Mel C alongside the regulars.
There's also a special edition of QI, and Helen Skelton is live in the studio before the switch back to BBC1 for more spectacular sporting entertainment - all in the name of Sport Relief.