Part 3 Sport Relief

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Part 3

The star-studded night of fun and fundraising continues, with stars from across the BBC hoping to raise a record amount for Sport Relief.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING now, sit up straight, and welcome


one of Britain's finest, who will be giving you all the relief you


need, so go ape for the beautiful, gorgeous, super, smashing great,


Hello, and welcome back to BBC1. This is it, it's going to be huge.


I will tell you why, because I am presenting this part of the show


with someone who in the last 48 hours has become a national hero.


He endured a week of hell for Sport Relief. He pushed his body to


breaking points, cycling, rowing and running from par toys Londonen


-- from par toys London. -- from Paris to London. 295 miles under


his own steam. Let's look at how he got on.


That's it. Get the miles done. I have massively underestimated this.


Massively. The one I am worried about is John. One hour's sleep and


he is now in the boat. something's in my way and the end


result is worth having, then I am not prepared to stop. Ow!


I am so proud of him. So proud. is raising a lot of money, putting


himself through hell. He is still my dad, but he is like a national




Whatever you are here in the studio or on the sofa at home, please be


upstanding for the legend that is John Bishop!


# You'll never walk alone John Bishop everybody! Thank you.


Now... I have to be honest, has everyone seen... Thank you, thank


you. It's a lovely moment, but there's a lot of people in here


sharing with baubles on their head. I feel I have walked into the


biggest hen-do ever. It's a little like that. I am sure I am not the


only person who watched last night and by the end I was in tears. It


was the most incredible thing to have seen and the most incredible


thing to have done. What was it that made you do it and take on


such a huge task? Well, basically it's because you get the


opportunity to do it. I mean, we had a conversation about stuff with


Sport Relief and one thing led to another and they presented this and


it's not about the show or anything like that. It's about the fact that


people in the UK are unique. They will give to a charity. If someone


comes up to you and says all we need to do is lend your body and


your face for a bit, make you do something you don't want to do but


at the end someone you have never met before will have a better life,


it's hard to say no, isn't it? APPLAUSE. You certainly lent your


body. What was the hardest part? What was the hardest part of the


week, the bit you remember as the toughest? The hardest part was, I


missed penalties in the Carling Cup final, but they had to go to France.


I believe we won, yeah. And then I had to have 24 hours in France,


which is full of French people, I don't know if anyone has ever been


there, that was tough. Next year Sport Relief needs to devote some


money towards making the French people cheer up. When you fell on


your bike and he called you an idiot. He said something in French,


I fell off because I was trying to do that bit where you balance on a


bike and I have clips in and I could feel myself falling and


there's a camera crew there. The one moment in your life in showbiz


and you think I don't want a camera pointing at me! I fell on the floor


and there was a bus stop of old women went mm! What's the reaction


been like since you have come back? We had a drink in a pub a couple of


weeks ago and every four minutes people were coming up going,


amazing thing you did. That was before it aired last night. What's


it opinion like today? They were coming up going love Gavin and


Stacey. It's been brilliant. What happened is when I did it, the


first bit was in France. Then we did the row, which by far was the


hardest bit and if it hadn't been for Freddie, Denise and Davina and


Mike I would never have got through that. I started in England, the run


in England, I didn't even know anyone knew anything about it


because we were living in a bubble and people are beeping horns,


giving us money in the streets. It was amazing and the goodwill that's


been generated since has been staggering. You say the money that


we have generated has been staggering, you don't know the


figure, do you? I don't. I never even watched the documentary.


true, he did a gig at the comedy store. He said I don't want to sit


on my own in a hotel room crying. It's too emotional, some of the


lads are here, and the doctor who got us through, it's probably


something I am not ready to see. Hopefully you are ready to see this.


Let's look and find out exactly how much you raised for Sport Relief. I


can now reveal that the total for John Bishop's Week of Hell is an


incredible �3.412,261. APPLAUSE AND I genuinely, to everyone in the


room I don't know what to say. To people at home I have to say thank


you. When we did this and I went over to Sierra Leone we were


talking about trying to raise money for a vaccine, it's �5 for a


vaccine. If you relate that, �1 million is 2 hundred,000 kids,


that's two Wembleys, six Wembleys full and a couple at love fuss road


-- Loftus Road. You know what I mean. It's... I am speechless. It's


took everything away that I have got. Honestly, can I just say thank


you for those people who donated and continue to donate. That is


just beyond anything I could have possibly dreamed of. It's an


incredible thing. Over �1 million of that was raised by Radio One


listeners. So, thank you guys. It was absolutely incredible. Now,


John, I am right in thinking that this is your first ever go at TV


presenting. Yeah. That's true. Don't worry, there is a lot of


simple rules that you have to go through. Like don't kick Adele off.


AUDIENCE: Oh! The whole nation saw it. I am never


going to live it down. I know what it's like. I could have... Well


done, you won some Brits. Here is the news, get off! It's an


opportunity but for me I got to be honest, I have done my charity bit,


now I am looking at my career. This is my chance with me and you to be


the new Ant and Dec. We could be the future. We could be the new


Krankies. John, I have told you before, I am never going to wear


that school uniform again. Here is what's coming up in our part of the


show. Coming up on Sport Relief:


Absolutely Fabulous. Do you mind not smoking? Just for you, Linford.


QI. I loved your impersonation of the back stroke, Stephen. Record-


breaker Freddie Flintoff is here. Emily Sande.


8 Out of 10 Cats. 4% of male badminton players have suffered a


groin injury. The medical term is shuttlecock. And so much more.


don't want to miss any of that, do you? The following film takes place


in one hour in the only children's hospital in Sierra Leone, I have to


warn you, this is a tough watch. Alfa is desperately ill, all his


In the next bed there's another baby, critically ill with pneumonia


His name is Amadu. Alfa's mum continues her bedside vigil.


Suddenly little Amadu's condition becomes critical and the doctors do


In the bed opposite Alfa takes a turn for the worse.


Both of their boys are on the edge. Alfa's heart fails and he dies.


Four minutes later Amadu sadly loses his fight for life.


So both mothers lost their sons today.


We have to vaccinate and protect more children. We have to stop


children dying like this. Please help us. Together we can


change things. Call 03457 910 910.


Or donate online. Thank you.


There's a �5 vaccination which might have saved those little boys'


lives. Help us to help other mums stop going through that nightmare.


It's just �5. Please. All it takes, five quid. If you are sat at home


and thinking you will phone newspaper a minute or tomorrow or I


will see what's coming on next, don't wait. Pick up the phone. We


are lucky we live in a country where that wouldn't happen but it's


a small world. They're people on the other side of the road. If


someone said to you on the other side of the road someone's going to


die if you don't give �5 you would give it and those mothers, they


don't love their kids any less than we love our kids. Or you love your


kids. So please pick up the phone and make a donation. Call 03457 910


910. Thank you. OK, James, what's up


next? What happens if you get Kate Mosse, Stella McCartney, David Haye


and Colin Jackson with Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley? I don't


know but it sounds Absolutely Fabulous. Yes, it's Absolutely


Well, here, Bemma Bunton. a little Sporty Reliefy charity


I'm just going to settle her into that.


And then I'll come here for the meeting. For the meeting?


For the meeting, darling. I told you about the meeting.


The meeting with Stella McCartney, darling,


and Kate Moss and David Gandy.


Meeting? Yeah, meeting, darling.


For the feature for the magazine. I sent you that idea. All right?


You know, like sport is the new rock'n'roll.


Stella's clothes with Kate and David. And a meeting?


And a meeting. Yes, darling.


Well, they won't come if they think- it's me, will they?


But I can just appear. I'll come by and, like, "Hey, hey.


"I've just been doing this Sporty Relief for charity thing."


Stella will think, "Ooh, she's kind- of cool and give me free clothes."


Yeah, at the meeting.




B-B-Bemma? You're unbelievable.


Even when it's for charity, you're on the make.


Anyway. Come on. Have you got your track suit?


Yeah, I've got a track suit.


I'll see you in a minute. At the meeting. Let me know when they come.


At the meeting? Yeah.


At the meeting with...Stella.


St... A meeting with Stella.


With Stella and... Eddy, who are the others?


OK. Let's get the both of you going.




Yes, both.


Yeah but I can't get sweaty - I've got a meeting.


Emma, I know you're fit but how about your friend here?


Oh, no. She's not my friend.


How fit are you?


Who the hell are you?


Erm...I'm Colin Jackson.


THE Colin Jackson.


Yeah, well, THE Colin Jackson. I'm very fit and I don't need your help.


Turn on the telly here.


I'm going to get MTV.


Fit enough for you? You haven't even turned the machine on yet.


Ah! Ah! Ahhh!


Do you want to do some jogging? I AM jogging. No, you're not.




I will keep going.


Just remember, it's to encourage people.


Now, come on. I know you can last five minutes.


You can do it for five minutes?


Yeah, I can... I'll do it. I can do it.


I'll keep going. I can do it.


Look at you!


Fat, fat, fat, lazy, lazy woman.


Need a machine to move our fat, fat, lazy, lazy legs?


You have to pay someone to shout at her, "Feel the burn!"


Why don't you pick up the hoover now and then?


Do something useful with that fat body of yours.


Fat, fat, lazy woman.




Lazy woman.


Oh, my head is swimming. Are you all right?


I didn't think it was biologically possible to be that unfit!


# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, like Jagger


# I don't need to try to control you


# Yeah... #




# I've got the moves like Jagger


# I've got the mo-o-o-o-oves like Jagger. #




Oh, not another one! What now? What?


Linford, give her a good workout!


I'm going to go and stretch.


Well, you need to.


How's your muscle tone? It's good. It's good.


It's in there, it's in there. Feel it!


I think we'll have to start you gently. Yeah, start gently.


Darling, what are you doing here? They won't be here for a while yet.


Hello! Do you mind not smoking? Oh, just for you, Linford.


Lovely shoulder. It's pretty nice, isn't it, sweetheart?


Have a sip of something, darling.


I've got a sore shoulder. You need to concentrate.


Positive mental attitude. No. I don't see the point, you see.


You're not concentrating.


Here, Linford, Linford. I'm concentrating. I'm concentrating.


Darling, you should be upstairs waiting in case they arrive.


Oh, must I? Darling, I'm not doing this for charity, am I?


Get some champagne and nibbles in.


Darling, remember, Stella doesn't eat fur.


Have we met before? Yeah, I'm Patsy Stone. Patsy. Pats. Pats.


Pat. Pa. Pa. P.


This is Kate. Kate. Hi. Just Kate.


Who in the world doesn't know who you are, Kate?


The amount of time you've been around. What?


Well, you're just like me, Kate. Us 39ers must stick together.




This is David. Hi, David. Hi. Hey, Pats.


I think we've met before, no?


I don't know but I've carried your pants in my last two issues.


Hey, we really loved the idea about- the feature.




It's a great idea. Amazing. Brilliant.


The Olympians and Kate? It's a great idea. So good.


Well, cheers. Thanks a lot.


Just don't bring that friend of yours, Eddy.


Eddy? She really twist my melons.


But she's...


Oh, no!


MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor


Oh, God!


Darling! Pats, are they here? Don't- come, Eddy. Eddy, don't come.




You're actually a really good boxer, Emma. I'm a big fan.


Oh, thanks!


I love boxing!


Just pretend boxing, though. Just pretend.


I can't imagine myself in the ring with you! Oh, I can!


Look at you and your powder puff boxing.


Go on, hit it!


Steady, ladies! Steady!


I can't go to hospital, I've got a meeting.


I've got a meeting.


Stella! Stella! Stella!


Who is that? Isn't that your friend?- I never saw her before in my life.


Another round, please.


Pat! Pat!


MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor




That's weird,


That's weird, last


That's weird, last time I went to the gym I got knocked out bay Spice


Girl as well. You can download the making of that sketch right now. If


you think that's the only comedy tonight, we also have Jimmy and the


boys together for 8 Out of 10 Cats. An exclusive question of sport and


there is a dream come true for me and men of a certain age, there is


two Sue Barkers. And Stephen Friday will be here with a special episode


of QI. Before all that, let me remind you of the phone number.


It's 03457 910 910. I have to be honest, if you are - I


feel grubby doing that, the only people that remind people of phone


numbers at this time of night are normally on babestation, this could


be a version of babestation, we could do blokestation. Blokes in


sheds going, come on, give us a ring. I will tell you how to fix


your engine. 03457 910 910! I am not wearing safety goggles. If you


can prise the computer away from your kids you can also donate on


the web. Failing that, you can also take money to any bank, building


society or your local post office. You can even write a cheque made


payable to Sport Relief and send it Earlier this year I went to Sierra


Leone to see why your money is so desperately needed. It is a tough


This one has one of the worst child mortality rates in the world for


preventable illnesses like diarrhoea and new pneumonia and


this hospital is on the frontline of a very unfair fight.


This is the first point of call for the parents with some of the


sickest children, as you can see. There's some desperate cases.


You can hardly imagine what it feels like do sit and to know that


some of the children in here are possibly not going to make it.


It's 9am, and already What you're looking at


that came in last night They arrived at the hospital


It's impossible for any parent to not be here


and have your heart ripped out,


because there's no parent who can imagine


what it's like to lose a child,


but to lose it for something that could be prevented.


Nadia is here with her daughter.


She has severe pneumonia.


She has spent every minute of the last 72 hours praying


that her child won't end up the same way.


This is a scary place to be for any parent.


I've got three boys in England, big boys.


I've never been scared that they won't survive.


And sometimes hope is all there is.


One in five children in Sierra Leone don't make it to the age of five.


Across the way, another child has become a terrible statistic.


This may happen here every day, but the grief is always unbearable.


I can't imagine what it must feel like to come...


to come and have to take your child home to bury them


less than 24 hours after you brought them here.


That's how severe this is.


That's how close we are to death.


And every single child has died from a preventable disease.


So please give what you can.




Prevention is


Prevention is better


Prevention is better than cure. Watching that film there was a


moment before the end which I didn't think was included in the


film and it was certainly played down, where a mother had been told


a child had died and the noise left her that I have never heard in my


life and it was the noise of a parent having the soul ripped out.


For the sake of a couple of pennies, and if anyone who is present would


have done anything to have prevented that we could have done,


but it was too late. Right now you can help us prevent this. Please


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


give what you can, while Snow Thank you Snow Patrol. Remember


prevention is better than cure. Sport Relief is so committed to


this that they're going to spend �5 million of the money raised tonight


on vaccines, through the GAVI alliance, global organisation


delivering vaccines to children who need it. This could buy a million


vaccines. That will save kids' lives and that is because of you.


So on behalf of them, thank you. Now, sporting legend Freddie


Flintoff holds a couple of unofficial world records, for


instance the record for the drunkest anyone has been on the top


of an open topped bus. And the record for the shortest pedalo ride


ever. He took up the challenge of setting 12 world records in 12


hours. I am going to try to break 12 world


records in 12 hours. A lot of people have done amazing things,


John Bishop, David Walliams, what a man. Over 120 miles in the Thames.


What I am going to do, ping myself up in the air, eat muffins. I am


putting myself on the line for Sport Relief. The previous record


was 70 metres, held by David Hasselhoff. The height now is 90.


We don't just want to beat The Hoff, Two seconds short, Fred.


What is this one? Fastest toilet. Bit gutted so far. I thought I


would have a World Record in the bag by now. I always wanted to be a


hot chocolate world record holder. Easy! You needed to do it inside 30


seconds. Yeah!


Get that! I can't believe it, I am going to be in the big book. This


Christmas when my mum buy it is for me I am in the big book. This is


the record for the fastest time to eat a a -- muffin. It includes


every last crumb. Go! You are doing good. 35 seconds left. Don't forget


the crumbs. Oh, no! Where was that muffin from? It was


like a brick. The muffin wasn't the right muffin.


We have the Sport Relief Facebook page and we are trying to get


30,000 lights in an hour. That will help, do it now. OK, we are going


to help you with one today. We are going to help you?! I am going to


watch it. I am more committed. Three, two, one, go! Oh, Freddie!


It's not a good start. Maybe one long piece. Is he allowed to use


that? That's unfair. Freddie, use this.


That's right it, time is up. What a shame!


30,000 lights in an hour. We are up to 27,500 in about 45 minutes. Less


than that. 25 minutes. So, hopefully we will double our record


tally any minute now. 38. Yes!


Hyde Park and he is going to help us out, trying to break 100 metre


pedalo dash. I have never been on one of these sober.


Five, four, three, two, one! 1.58.6. Yes!


Get in there! Thank you. This is the one I wanted, the pedalo was


the record I wanted. Trying to break the battery record, it's held


The hour is now over, for most lights on a Facebook page. The


total in the end was 5 2000. Smashed it!


That kiwi fella can have that record, stupid. Please welcome


Freddie Flintoff. I am trying to put 44 batteries in my hand in 30


seconds, I couldn't do it. Someone's at home in their bedroom


putting batteries in their hand. What are you doing with us today?


My record. Denise's record, kissing as many people as I can in 30


Denise's record was 29. Fred managed 40. It's a new World Record.


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Half the people he kissed then were


blokes. Part two of the challenge is coming newspaper a moment.


Stay tuned to see Gary Lineker and Harry Judd bowling. Alex Jones


getting taped to a wall and Fred in his natural habitat, the pub.


for another thank you now. Can I help you? I want a pen.


have lots of different pens, take your pick. Right. This could be a


little bit complicated because I want a pen and this is a pen and


this is also a pen. This is a pen and um... You are finding it hard


to make your mind up, how about a limited edition Sport Relief. It's


only �1, it goes to Sport Relief and all the Ryman staff have been


helping to raise money. Staff have been helping add to the amazing


total raised. They've been doing a host of activities and. Amazing.


How much has it made? O. Around �300. That's an expensive --


�300,000. It's a normal pen for everybody. I will take one and


thank you for selling them and thank everyone for buying them.


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Thankfully you lot at home have


taken time off from stealing pens and post-its out of the cupboard at


work and headed to Rymans and the staff and customers there have


raised an amazing �377,451! APPLAUSE.


Superb. Let's see how Fred got on with the second instalment of


Flintoff's Record Breakers. Some of the challenges I have been


nervous with, but this is the one I fear the most. I used to be a


cricketer, so I got to get this one I think the record is ten first in


a minute. But they got to be legal deliveries, and looking at some of


the lads I am not sure it's going How did we do? A couple of no-balls


that didn't count. 19. It's a Go on, Fred!


I cannot believe he managed to catch one. That was quite something.


How much, 36? In a minute. And we just had a go and it's next to


impossible. A great effort. 14.0. It's a new World Record.


pleaseded. Thank you very much. the last attempt. I am not feeling


confident in this one. Usually I am a positive person and the glass is


half full. Go on, Freddie!


26.5. Number ten. I am never going in one of these ever again. I am


knackered! Thanks, guys. Brilliant. It's got me to double figures. Just


shows I am not very good in the mornings.


Sorry mate! Amazing when you break a record you are happy, on the


flipside when you fail one, it's worse to losing to Australia. QVC,


never did I think I would be on here. Anything with food in Andrew


will make it. He is now in a perfect job, filling hotdogs with


ketchup and mustard. Stop. That one is split through the


bottom. The current record was nine to beat. You have equalled the


World Record. Get in there! Thank you, Rob. It's got to go on the


top? Yeah, after you have rolled it. Come on!


It's lively, that sugar. That's five. Oh, Fred! No record for this


one, I am afraid, Fred. But well done. 11, one to go.


We moved on to the darts challenge. The furtherest away from the board.


Would you not believe how much I would love to have a darts board


record. I love darts. Getting the elbow a touch higher.


Yes! You can have your three point turns,


bungees, that's a real sport. Phil The Power Taylor, are you watching


son? Just about to go on The One Show and try and break one more


record, taping Alex to a wall. I am not that confident about it, but


doesn't matter. I am just going to enjoy it. It is the fastest time to


duct tape a person to the wall. Hands out. It Hasn't worked. I was


trying to get the last piece on this side. I didn't, it fell down.


I have come in here, because I am hoping I am going to see Freddie


break a World Record, I am I am beginning to think I am an unlucky


charm. Every time I have been present it's gone horribly wrong.


Hopefully I can break that spell. The record was 51: You managed 52.


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. It's time meet the man himself.


Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses for Mr Freddie Flintoff!


Freddie Flintoff everybody! Or should I say 14-time World Record


holder Freddie Flintoff. I haven't seen Freddie since we got out of a


boat in Dover and when we got out of the boat everyone was in bits.


Freddie looked like he had just got in it. A natural athlete. But when


I saw those things that you were taking on, you were even taking on


a World Record held by The Hoff. The sad thing about that was that


is a one I wanted, for the reverse bungee and there was a weight limit.


We turned up and they put me on the scales and all shaking their heads


saying who is going to tell him? He is too heavy. A situation I am all


too familiar with. That's the problem with that. Which of the


records that you broke was the toughest one? Um... The peas with


the cocktail stick was tricky. looked you have to. -- tough. I


wanted the pedalo, for obvious reasons, I have a bit of history.


To be fair that's cheating because you have had years of training for


that. It's the first time I have been on one and can remember. And


then the other one I wanted the darts, I love darts. I wanted to be


a darts player but I prbt fit -- weren't fit enough. When you got


the darts record you said you can take the other sports, the reverse


bungee, the cricket, which is essentially what you are amazing at.


How did you come up with these World Records and whose idea was it


to put the thing together? It was a team effort. It was embarrassing,


you have John a comedian, he has done marathons, rowed the Channel,


I eat peas. You helped me row the Channel, I would have helped you


with those peas. I would have been there for you. I got to ask, your


mate with the curly wig. He was there all day, he was running


things that's how bad it got. bloke you picked up. I have to tell


thu, you don't realise the impact this had on the nation, because I


didn't realise that it was that day that you were doing it and it was


about half ten in the morning and I got a text and I am sure a lot of


people in this country were touched by what you were doing, because I


got a text saying Freddie's just broke the World Record for drinking


hot chocolate. That's what makes you proud to be British. Freddie,


you already hold 14 World Records, we are going to try to make that 15


tonight. So, come with me and we are going to give you the chance to


hold the World Record for the most balloons popped using your bottom


in 30 seconds. I know, this is exciting stuff! So,


how many do you think you will do? What's the record? He needs to do


at least 20 to be a new record. Well, we have Rob here, who is


taking on the Norris role, the official adjudicator. We saw you


there with Freddie getting cream on your head, you are not the first


bloke to suffer that fate. Sorry, that came out completely wrong.


What time is it? We are OK. Rob, I apologise for that, but - I have


just been told to do that. Rob, can you - Ant and Dec are safe. Can you


briefly explain the rules. Sure, the guidelines for this record,


they're straightforward, Freddie has two assistants who can place


the balloons on the chair and they koepbl be placed one -- only be


placed one at a time. He can use the top of his legs or bum to break


the balloons. Freddie f you come around here. We have to turn around


and check that you haven't got any sharp items on you at the moment.


So, just check the whole... There we go. Hey! We are absolutely fine.


Certainly a couple of items in there, I tell you what. After that


cream line, we are finished now. It's all over. OK, all right, so,


Freddie, are you ready? Yeah. you ready? I am ready. Rob? I am


ready. We could make history here live on television OK. APPLAUSE AND


CHEERING. You can start with one on. OK, Rob, take it from here. Three,


APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. We have got to have done that! Hang on. We had


to beat 20. Rob, how did we do? It's a new World Record. APPLAUSE


AND CHEERING. There it is. 15-times World Record holder. Unbelievable


stuff. All right. Now, Freddie, let's find


out how much money you raised for Sport Relief. I can now reveal that


the record-breakers raised an Ladies and gentlemen, give it up


for 15-time World Record holder, Freddie Flintoff!


That's the most exercise Freddie's done even when he had a career.


Coming up in a moment we have a special round of A Question Of


Sport featuring Sue Barker in a way you have never seen her before.


mean we are going to see Barker's Barker?


I don't even know what that means but probably not. But maybe. I


don't know to be fair. All right, now tonight your mobile phone can


be a life saver. We have been talking about how important


vaccines are and if you donate �10 now by texting "yes" to 70010.


Sheer the phone and here is the vaccine. It's now over to you.


Please text now. Here is Sir Tom Jones with those important terms


and conditions. Texts cost �10 plus a standard network message charge.


The whole �10 goes to Sport Relief. For more information and terms and


conditions go to Relief. Cheers.


Thanks, Sir Tom. It's really that simple T will take you seconds to


text. You have been thinking about doing it tonight. Do it now.


Because it will change lives. Tonight we have seen a lot of


children who are living difficult lives all over the world. They need


This hundred-acre rubbish dump is a mess of human, animal


And unbelievably, it's also a place of work for hundreds of families.


It's overwhelming.


The stench for a start, this putrefying smell.


it's just inhumane that people are grovelling around in this,


trying to find scraps and bits of plastic or whatever,


just to exist, basically.


The most appalling thing I think I've ever seen.


Welcome to Hell.


Yet for hundreds of desperately poor children,


scavenging other people's unwanted rubbish to sell is the only way they can survive.


You can imagine some of the stuff that's in here - medical waste,


needles - it's just so dangerous. So dangerous.


No human being should go through this, let alone small children.


Children like eight-year-old Mahabu. He's worked here his whole life.


He doesn't go to school. And he's in constant danger.


For Mahabu, working here is a life sentence.


They're like four and five, these kids.


They should be starting school now.


And they're here, just sifting through filth.


They're even picking it up andeating it, because they're starving.


Just think every kid's entitled to a childhood.


Sport Relief wants to reach out to kids like Mahabu,


to get them into schools, and educated,


so they never have to work in a place like this.


It's just harrowing, it's horrific. And it's got to stop.


It costs just �10 to send one ofthese children to school for a month.


They get education, books, and a uniform.


A tenner, for a future.


What's he, three years old, this little one?


Off to work. Off to work, yeah.


But we can't change this without your money.


So to all the mums, to all the parents, please think of these kids


when you're feeding your own child tonight or tucking them into bed.


Please help us make a change.


Please pick up your phones - and do it now, while you can see this.


We can make a real difference. We can change it.


Please be the shoulder these kids can lean on.




It is


It is simple


It is simple - your money can help get these kids access to the


education they so desperately need because that education will give


them a chance of a better life. Please send us a text to donate �10,


text "yes" to 70010. That will give us a tenner, but it will help


change lives. Here with her song # I hope that the world


# Stops turning its back # I hope that we can fix


# I'm hoping that change # Instead of what we can gain


# That a child # How can things be


# But it seems like dreams # A night when you turn


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


# I just hope I'm not Thank you. That is what it is all


about, hope. Back in the days when Sport Relief was a nervous


bystander, there was a veteran on hand to show it the ropes. I am


talking about A Question of Sport. They have provided us with more


highlights than a footballer's haircut. We have had Chico facing a


penalty from Ally McCoist, Bill Beaumont got felt up and Sir Geoff


Hurst once stripped off and it has Sue Barker presenting it! She's a


filth bag! He's just made that up. There is one thing... Ant and Dec


don't do that! There is one thing better than a filthy Sue Barker


presenting A Question of Sport... We did so well at the start! We


were flying. That's having two Sue Barkers presenting A Question of


Hello and welcome who is this getting a special


# I fell in love once # But sometimes these feelings


# I said, "I must be fine cos my heart's still beating


# "Come and kiss me by the riverside"


# Yeah, "Bobby says it's fine He don't consider it cheating"


# Red hair with a curl


# Mellow roll for the flavour And the eyes for peeping


# Can't keep away from the girl


# These two sides of my brain need to have a meeting. #




Looks like a tough one to me, but I tell you what,


I'm lucky tonight, because I have my stunt double with me!


And, captains, you will take it in turns to ask questions.


Can't answer them.


Remember, there could be all sorts of body stuff done and everything.


You've got to try...




You've got to try and decide who Barker is.


So, Daws, we're going to start with you -


have you got a question for our guest, who can nod, yes or no?


Yea or nay. Are you a woman?






Over to you, Tuffers. Are you, erm...British?


Yes, British.


That don't help much. Why are you writing that down? British!




Do you fancy Sue Barker?




You'd better say yes.


I can't begin to tell you,


my wildest dreams of seeingtwo Sue Barkers have just come true.


Your nightmares, you mean. OK, over to you, Tuffers.


Are you older than Matthew Dawson?


What if he doesn't know the answer.


I'm late 30s, ish!


So am I!




So you're older than that? You're older than late 30s? No!


Younger. He's younger. It's that mask that don't do you any favours!




You'll keep.


Go for that. Are you still a sportsman?


No. Retired. Retired? And younger than you, Daws.


Retired younger than me? Did you play with balls?




A ball sport? No. Oooh.


Have you been a world champion?




World champion.


World champ, British, under 30-odd, retired.


World champ?


Not ball sports. Got to be boxing, hasn't it?


Did you compete as an individual in your sport? Individual.


Do you like Guinness?






He couldn't resist it!


All of a sudden, started moving. "Guinness, get me some Guinness!"


Do you both know who it is? Yes.


I think we've got a fair idea. Ricky Hatton. Ricky Hatton.


Is it Ricky Hatton? Will you reveal who you are?


Come on, the Hattster!




You've got eye make-up on, be careful. It was hot in there!


I think I'm about a featherweight, now. Nice silk blouse. Yeah!


I must admit, is the first time I've looked in the mirror


and literally fancied myself.




A big thank you to Ricky and well done to both teams.


If you are watching at home and you haven't already donated,


there is still time.


Remember that 50% of the money raised for Sport Relief


will be spent in the UK, so do give generously.


Thank you to Ricky and our teams, from us, here, bye-bye.






There you


There you go,


There you go, Ricky Hatton looking more scary than Sue Barker! I'm not


going to take the mickey out of Ricky Hatton dressed in a girl's


blouse because he is still hard! So, moving on from one big girl's


blouse to another, Jimmy Carr will be bringing us 8 Out of 10 Cats


shortly. Now, when I was 11, my dad went to be a stretcher-bearer in


the Gulf War. We were lucky. Thousands of war veterans aren't


quite so lucky. I'm not talking about physical injury, post-


traumatic stress disorder can strike at any time. It can take


years to diagnose and it can tear Not flashbacks


And he told me that he sees black cats or something


following him.


Everybody thinks PTSD, the adrenaline going out there,


you're fighting and sorting this out


and flying around in helicopters. It's not.


We were moving through villages and we had to dig holes


to put the dead women and children in.


We went to a flat and found a young woman,


and she tried to kill herself and she shot herself through here,


and the bullet came out there, but she was still living.


And it was something like that, which gave me nightmares for months.


One night, I came downstairs checking on him.


And he was just sat in the middle of the floor,


nothing on, no telly on or nothing.


And he was just rocking.


And I sat beside him, and he was rocking and crying


and he didn't know who I was, didn't know where he was.


He was scared.


That was... Excuse me.


I remember certain smells and Istarting really hearing a high echo.


Your head starts banging.


The tremors overtake the whole body.


Smells would set me off.


Diesel fuel.


High female screaming.


You think, I'm losing my mind.


It's like looking at a ghost of somebody that used to be there.


When he was away working, it was actually better


than when he was here, because he might as well have not been here.


People didn't want to be around me.


That's the only way to put it.


I suppose walking around the house as aggressive as I was


coming across at the time, I think Jamie might


have been scared of me.


I was a bit frightened sometimes,


because he'd be really angry and snappy and vicious.


It all just went.


And it was just basically like having a shadow here.


Your money pays for projects


that offer war veterans like Peter a safe haven


and somewhere to start rebuilding their lives.


I believe Combat Stress put me on a platform to get back on my feet.


And basically gave me a bit of pride back.


Something for me to work on.


At the end of the day, if he starts getting ill again,


we know where to go now.


It's one phone call and he's sorted.


Peter isn't alone.


Two in ten veterans who fought Iraq and Afghanistan


now suffer from mental health problems.


To help support people like Peter and his family, please call...


Or go online and give what you can.


Thank you.




That support


That support is


That support is a life-saver. Half of the money that you donate will


be spent here in the UK. �100 trains a welfare officer who can


work with veterans and help them overcome their traumatic


experiences. I'm not asking you to pay the whole �100, but if you are


you could all text in now. We would be so grateful. Time to say another


thank you. There's been some stunning Sport Relief stuff on TV


Sport Relief Does Glee Club to Let's Dance For Sport Relief. Let's


take a look at some of Let's Dance's highlights. You were


amazing! It was physical poetry. Great! West End hit! You have made


my Saturday night a fever! Wow! looked like Ronald McDonald! Hot!


One of the best dances I have ever seen on this show. You have still


dripping off you! The winner of Let's Dance For Sport Relief is


APPLAUSE Last Saturday Rowland Rivron was


crowned Let's Dance champion. Let's Dance For Sport Relief has raised a


staggering �1,094,940. APPLAUSE An incredible effort. Now, what do you


get if you have one Jimmy Carr, add Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, two


comedians, a popstar and multiply it by that sexy girl from


Countdown? It's an 8 Out of 10 Cats Sport Relief Special. Well done,


you win a mug and a chance to come Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats


And facing them tonight. And their team captain -


Hello, and welcome to surveys and statistics,


Did you know, for example, 14% of people say fishing is a cruel sport,


Because although they only have a rudimentary nervous system,


fishermen can still feel the cold.




4% of male badminton players have suffered a groin injury.


The medical term is shuttlecock.




And Wayne Rooney has a six-year contract with Manchester United -


after which it's hoped that he can be released back into the wild.


Right, let's get started!




And The Winner Is is the name of this round.


Here is your first one. Most boring sport.




All of them. They're fundamentally boring.


The only thing that makes sport interesting is the commentators.


If you actually watch a sport, it's like...






You think, "this is actually exciting. I didn't realise, until you got excited about it."


You don't even need to do the rushing around.


Cricket is the most boring sport.


Rachel, I thought you'd like cricket, because they've basically


taken a sport and gone, "How can we get more maths in this?"


It's so boring. It can go on for five days and then it's a draw.


So you're saying cricket's really boring.


Cricket... You realise you're on Countdown. I'm on Countdown, yes.




Just saying. People in glass houses.


You can tell cricket's boring, cos even the commentators...


Like in football, the most exciting thing that can happen is a goal,


and when someone scores a goal, they go "Aaah!"


But in cricket, the best thing that can happen is a six, and they go,


"..that was a six."




My fiance plays cricket, and hehates it. He hates fielding, anyway.


Really? Does he wake up and think, "What am I doing today?


"Ohh, playing cricket." After a year, you'd think, "Maybe I shouldn't be a cricketer."


Well, he likes batting. There's batting and there's fielding.


But fielding is pretty much just standing.


He likes batting, he likes that bit, but he doesn't like the fielding bit?


Has he considered tennis? Cos it's basically all batting.




Example. Elliot. I'll call you Elliot for this evening, that's your real name.


Most boring sport, what do you think?


I'm still upset Rachel's got a fiance. But...


I'm not watching Countdown any more.




Not like that, anyway.




Curling is boring. Come on, that's sweeping up.


It's people with OCD going, "It's not clean. It'll never be clean.


"Filth! There's filth on everything! In men's eyes, there's filth!"


Fishing has got to be up there.


Any sport that you can do while you're asleep can't be classified as a sport.


Any sport that you listen to on the radio. But the worst of all is golf.


The only thing you hear with golf on the radio is...




You don't even hear it land! You've got the commentators,


and they're whispering, going "He's about to take the shot.


"It's very important. They need the seven iron."


And you're thinking, "You don't need to whisper!


"They wouldn't let you anywhere near the players. You're the golf commentators."


They're probably four miles away in a Travelodge watching it on Sky!


The reason they're whispering is they were supposed to check out at 12.




Golf on the radio is just... OK, so most boring sport. Bowls!


Bowls is the right answer.




Obviously, we're not talking about ten-pin bowling.


We're talking about the most boring sport being Crown Green Bowls.


The most exciting thing that's ever happened in a game of bowls


is when someone tested positive for Sanatogen.




It's a great game, bowls.


You have to throw the bowl and get it as close to the jack as you can,


and then whoever's still alive at the end wins.


OK, next question - top sportsperson you'd want to swap lives with.




Er, any jockey, cos there's no VAT on kids' clothes.




I think it'd be good to be Tiger Woods for a bit.


Yeah. Playa!


Yeah, because he's a fantastic golfer, he's rich,


and his wife's left him!


Doo doo doo! Honk! Honk!


No, I think the great thing about Tiger Woods is that he had affairs...


Doo doo doo, get on the fun train! Whoo! Whoo!


The great thing about Tiger Woods is, he had affairs,


he had a few of them with models and porn stars, fair enough,


but he also had a lot of affairs with waitresses, so I imagine


wherever he goes, he gets brilliant service. Yeah.


You want a clue? Usain, could Usain be up there?


Usain Bolt? He's a great person to be as well.


Everyone loves him.


A lot of them, the training and the race and the competitive and the game,


it takes over your whole life. You're there for the whole day.


He's in and out. Couple of chicken nuggets, 10 seconds, "I'm off."


Be exhausting being Usain Bolt.


If you had that thing, "Which of us is going to go down the shops?",


"it's probably you, innit?"


Lewis Hamilton? Well, Lewis Hamilton's number seven.


Jenson Button's number four.


If you're Lewis Hamilton on a race day, I don't imagine that's going to be much fun.


People would rumble me if I... "Lewis Hamilton seems to be going round in second."


Aaaah! "Indicate, pull out." "That's dangerous, by the way!"


I'm going to give you a clue to this. Incredibly posh.


Andy Murray.




You can't be posh and Scottish, it's impossible!


Zara Phillips?


Zara Phillips is the right answer.




Yeah, it's the top sportsperson you'd like to swap lives with, Zara Phillips.


Zara Phillips is 13th in line to the throne.


She'll be waiting ages - she should just use the one upstairs.




Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,


which means the final scores are Sean, Russell and Rachel are tonight's winners with two points!




And finally, how about this for a statistic?


Every 20 seconds, a child dies from a disease that could have been prevented with a simple vaccine.


You can help change that right now. Call 03457 910 910 or go online to


and please, give what you can. That's it from us. Good night.






This has


This has been


This has been the biggest and best Sport Relief. Now, you can own some


of it forever! Sport Relief, 2012. Presents... Water heaven, darling.


Behind-the-scenes. Miranda... a showbusiness exclusive. I have


never been put in that situation before. Absolutely Fabulous. Take


one. Oh. Patsy I have known for a while. Strictly Underwater. Oh my


God! I can't do it. My underwater dancing is questionable. Bring it


on, darling! Plus the best of the rest. Download now.


APPLAUSE All of that great stuff is available to buy right now.


will get some top notch entertainment by doing that. Can we


say a huge thank you to everyone who has helped us raise money this


way. We really hope you are enjoying tonight, but here is a


film to remind you why we are all Just like any mum, she's trying


TRANSLATION: You've got to face not be a coward or run away


You've got to be brave and fight for your children,


even as a single mother.


But her fight is tougher than most.- Her family are really poor,


and that means her ten-year-old son- Benjamin spends much of his days


collecting other people's waste to make money


to support his younger sisters.


Oh, look at this!


That's horrendous. It's so, so dangerous.


All of these big rocks and pieces of masonry could fall on them.


Knowing her son has to work like this is heartbreaking for Wana.


TRANSLATION: He's only ten, and I worry,


because he says to me, "Don't worry, Mum. I'll go and work."


He should be studying. I pray for help.


It's really hard. You just want him to go to school.


Benjamin often misses school to work at the landfill.


He's supporting his family because he has no other option.


His mum's looking after Benjamin and his sisters alone.


No parent would want this for their- child, but there's little choice.


Benjamin's taken on the responsibility


because there's no-one else to do it.


You are having to be like the man of the family? Si.


That must be very hard.




Aww. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


You're a very strong and brave boy,


to be looking after your family like that.


But he shouldn't have to. And there is an answer to this.


Sport Relief support a project here in Lima


that helps working kids get off the streets,


into education and away from such degrading work.


It gives parents financial support and training,


so they have better job prospects.


This means the whole family has the chance to get out of poverty


and make a decent living.


Do you know what? Benjamin is a fantastic kid,


and the responsibility he's got, as a ten-year-old,


it's's just not right,


and you can really, really help Benjamin and other kids like him.


You can help lift the burden for children like Benjamin


and hard-working mums like Wana.


Please call and give what you can.


They really need your help. Thank you.




# She calls out to the man on the street




# "Sir, can you help me?


# "It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep


# "Is there somewhere you can tell me?"


# He walks on, doesn't look back


# He pretends he can't hear her. #




# Starts to whistle as he crosses the street


# Seems embarrassed to be there


# Oh, think twice


# Cos it's another day for you and me in paradise


# Oh, think twice


# Cos it's another day for you


# You and me in paradise


# Just think about it. #




You can


You can do


You can do something to help those children and make yourself feel


good in if process. To donate �10, text "yes" to 70010. For more


information, go to


stereotype of your average football fan is a fat, lager-swilling, pie-


eating replica shirt-wearing Neanderthal so we sent Gok Wan to


I'm here today to meet a bunch of They've been doing a load of


for Sport Relief, but your Auntie take to streets


OK, girlfriends, tell me where staff and supporters


City fans will take part in raffles these outfits are just


Ladies, do you feel like you've been These trousers, Ladies' Day,


This look is going to be in Paris, Milan and Manchester


All that's left to say to all the staff, fans and players


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


..the body of a child that came in He arrived at the hospital at 3:00am-


It's impossible for any parent 'The awful sound of heartbreak


I can't imagine what it must to come and have to take


less than 24 hours after you've brought them here.


That's how close we are to death,


and every single child has died from a preventable disease.


So please give what you can.


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


Hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome.


Welcome to a special limited-overs edition of QI for Sport Relief.


And there's an excited buzz in the stands tonight, so let's tee off.


For Jimmy Carr goes...POLITE APPLAUSE


Sandi Toksvig goes...THWAP


Lee Mack goes...ROAR OF CROWD


And Alan Davies goes...PING PONG BALL BOUNCES


They're under starters orders, and they're off.


In which sport has Britain been the reigning Olympic champion


for the past 92 years? JIMMY: Is this something that


they've stopped doing? They have now stopped. Is it still tug-of-war?


It's tug-of-war, well done, Sandi! Absolutely right.


You're winning!


She said, "I don't want to do this,- I don't know anything about sport."




What's that question about there's only three sports where you have to go backwards?


Tug-of-war, rowing, and I can'tremember the other one. JIMMY: Darts.


It's not darts, is it?! You don't do that, do you?!


No, cos you've gotta go back...


You don't get to the board and then moonwalk back, do you?!


"I'll have them, thank you."


Fencing is a good one, you're bound to go backwards.


It has to be that you ONLYgo backwards.


JIMMY: Why are you asking us a question you don't know the answer to?!


It's very good. I say "how are you?" Does anyone in the audience know?


Backstroke! Swimming. Backstroke. Backstroke. Backstroke.


High jump is another one. High jump is the answer, I've remembered it now. Hey!


It's not remembering when someone else says it!


With swimming, you can go...


Well, backstroke is... But you're not going backwards -


you're going forwards, but you're backwards. That's different.


Wow. We're in an ontological world of...


But then again you're going forward when you're going backwards in high jump. And rowing.


No you're not, you're going backwards. You are. The way on's that way.


The cox face the front. Oh, not this one again.


Stop it! Stop it, stop it. JIMMY: Only if you tuck it in.


Obviously in the coxless pairs, they are both going backwards.


That IS a ladies sport.LAUGHTER


Can I just say, I loved your impersonation of backstroke,


though, Stephen. That was very, very good. What...?


SEAN: You're not getting your hands wet!


"It's all right, I've got a rubber ring."


There's that one, the butterfly, as well.


Stephen's always the first to be rescued. Exactly.


I'd rather be rescued by the man in the chair. Stephen Fry drowned.


Anyway. What's the most dangerous sport for American women?


Oh, I know this! It's fishing. No. It's cheerleading. Yes!


You're right, Sandi, it is cheerleading! Brilliant!




Sandi - I have to tell you - Sandi was so nervous about it, she said,


"Do I have to do the Sport Relief one? Get someone else, I know absolutely nothing about sport."


She's winning by miles.


It is indeed cheerleading.


And when we say injuries, we mean catastrophic injuries - death.


That's quite a bad injury. Indeed. Being paralysed for life.


They don't usually do it like that though, do they? Oh, they do!


The most famous one, wasn'tGeorge W Bush on the team? Very good.


And it's here on my card, so it's got to be worth points. He was head cheerleader


for his all-boys high school - there he is on the left.




If only there'd been a catastrophic accident. Yes!


How many lives would have been saved.




Er, yes. According to the latest figures we could find, in 2002,


22,900 children aged 5 to 18 in America


were admitted to hospitals for cheerleading injuries.


65% of all catastrophic injuries


among American sportswomen at schools


are created in the act of cheerleading.


Is it classed as a sport? Gosh, yes.- Absolutely. They're incredibly fit.


Very, very serious about it. They throw themselves around and do all kinds of stuff.


It's not just going rah-rah-rah. I throw myself around in the but it's not a sport.bedroom,


I'm sure sex is a sport somewhere. Someone trying to make that into a competitive thing.


- An Olympic sport? - Cos I'm pretty fast.


LAUGHTER By any standards.


I think I've got a shot here.


So, what was the most popular sport- in Britain until 1835?


Is it fishing? No, it wasn't fishing. Fishing is,


I believe, still the most popularsport in Britain. Is this spectator sport, or...?


Yes, but people could be expert in it, in as much as you can.


Chariot racing. Not chariot racing.- Croquet. It involved betting.


Horse racing.KLAXON


Oh, dear. Like horse racing... I hear that noise in my sleep, now.


Because my dreams are wrong.






That's so sweet. You know what?


I've had a few of those, Alan, it's nothing to worry about.


Pigeon racing. Not pigeon racing, but you've finally got the right species of animal.


Falconry. Is it seagull racing? No!


Homing pigeons, what are they...? Not homing pigeons, no. This was banned in 1835. Shooting.


Nothing's been banned in the shooting of birds. JIMMY: Oh, cock-fighting!


Cock-fighting is the right answer, yeah, that's right.


Downing Street had a cockpit, the Palace of Westminster had a cockpit.


When you travel round Britain, every pub... Every village, every town. All the pubS...


That's right. Cock Inn and so on.




Downing Street? There was one in Downing Street and the Palace of Westminster.


It was just a national obsession, cock-fighting.


And in fact on Shrove Tuesday, for a fee of what was called one cockpenny,


boys could bring their game cocks to school and fight them for the day. And apparently,


and I'm reading this with a straight face,


"a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head


"by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean."




Can we just have a round of applause- for keeping a straight face?


APPLAUSE Well done, Stephen.


Thank you.


So the fact is, cock-fighting was the national sport of Britain


up until they banned it. And lastly, my final question,


if you want to give a sporting chance to people having a hard time in the UK


and across the world, what's the very best thing you can do?


Well, the very best thing you can do right now


is to call 03457 910 910 and make a donation,


or visit


Go on, be a sport. And tonight, of course, everyone's a winner.


So it's goodnight from Sandi, Jimmy, Lee, Alan and me.


And I leave you with this thought from Matthew Hansen.


"It's not the winning that counts, nor the taking part.


"It's making fun of the little fat kid who always comes in last." Good night.






Stay tuned


Stay tuned because


Stay tuned because we


Stay tuned because we have a proper filthy Celebrity Juice special


coming up, so, mum, go to bed! are nearing the end of our bit.


Coming up soon are Paddy Kielty and Fearne Cotton with tonnes more for


you to enjoy. Like the Sport Relief Big Hitters, 19 rugby players


playing with JLS. I reckon the rugby players will win that one.


The Misery Bear challenges Mo Farah to a race but makes time for a


drink with Lionel Richie. If that is not enough, we have a Mock The


Week Special. Now before we go, it is time to reveal the Sport Relief


total. The Sport Relief total so CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


MUSIC: Firework By Katy Perry.


Oh! Thank you, everyone. That is staggering. It will be absolutely


brilliant if we could push that up to �50 million. It would be...


we get it to 50, we can buy Fernando Torres back! You might


only need the �903,000 now! doesn't do that! We are finished! I


would love to stay, but I fancy watching the rest of this with a


bottle of wine in my pyjamas. Paddy and Fearne are ready to ride


this Sport Relief rocket into the early hours. Can I come? No. Sorry.


I have told you before, this is a professional relationship!


AUDIENCE: Ah! Even if I bring that Krankie school uniform? OK, son.


Goodbye, Sport Relief. This is what is coming up later! Coming up:


Rugby's big hitters sing with JLS. # Everybody's in love. #


Mock The Week: Everything we raise today will go to charity. A


lapdancer whose 19 and I'm particularly fond of. A downright


dirty Celebrity Juice. Kiss each other for Sport Relief! Argh!


Misery Bear meets Mo Farah. That's all coming your way on Sport Relief.


It is time for the final splash of the night so please welcome your


hosts, they have never felt this way before, and they owe it all to


you. # Now I've had the time of my life


# No I have never felt like this before


# Yes I swear # It's the truth


# And I owe it all to you # 'Cos I


# Had the time of my life # Had the time of my life


# And I owe it all to you # I've been waiting for so long


# And I've finally found someone # To Stand By Me


# Saw the writing on the wall # And with passion in our eyes


# There's no way we could disguise how we feel


# So we take each other's hands # You seem to understand the


urgency # Just remember!


# You're the one thing # I can't get enough of


# So I tell you something # This could be love


# I've had # The time of my life


# And I've never felt this way before


# I swear # It's the truth


# And I owe it all to you # 'Cos I


# Have had the time of my life # And I owe it all to you. #


Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Russell Grant! APPLAUSE And


Aquabatix. APPLAUSE There they are. And Russell Grant. Russell! You


wearing that then? I thought we had agreed we were both going to wear


the costumes. I thought you were joking. Thanks(!) Good evening,


folks. Thanks for staying up. Oh - there is no point. Thanks for


staying up. Don't go anywhere, we have lots of great stuff to come.


don't know where to look. We have Mock The Week, Misery Bear with Mo


Farah and Lionel Richie. We've got a stand-out performance from Stand


Up For Sport Relief. We have a special Sport Relief Celebrity


Juice. As you would expect, it is disgusting! That is fantastic. How


disgusting is it? It is really disgusting. If you look down at


yourself... LAUGHTER It is that disgusting. OK. I thought you meant


it was squeaky clean but not much of it! LAUGHTER Remember, we are


trying to smash records tonight, so please give what you can. �45


million,903,156 is fantastic. It really is. APPLAUSE It is. But we


really need more so what we would like you to do is donate �10 to


Sport Relief, to change someone's life. So text "yes" to 70010.


cost �10 plus your standard network message charge. The full terms and


conditions are on That is


"yes" to save someone's life. Please just text "yes". Fearne,


what do you get - I have caught myself on monitor - that is...


LAUGHTER What do you get if you take 19 rugby players and put them


together with JLS? I have no idea, Paddy, but count me in! Fearne, you


are filth! You are the one in a lady's swimming costume on telly.


That is a fair point! What you get, though, is the sound of sweet music


because this year JLS decided to challenge a group of top rugby


players to perform their official Sport Relief song Proud. LAUGHTER


Here is how they got on. It is the Pop royalty JLS are challenging


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud. #


They've proved they can play.


COMMENTATOR: Colin Charvis!


Good scoring.


Kelly Brown is through.


Mike Catt!


But can they sing?


At a south London rehearsal space, the sportsmen are about to find out,


as they arrive to see what JLS have in store.


Welcome to our rehearsal space.


This is where we rehearse for our tour.


We want to set you guys a challenge


to see if you can go the extra mile for Sport Relief


and see if you can sing our song live on Sport Relief.


Obviously, we'll give you a little warm-up at Twickenham,


at the Rugby Six Nations.


We just want you guys to go on the pitch and sing it before the match.


That's not too bad, is it?




You have to walk out on to Twickenham


in front of 82,000 people and sing.


Absolutely petrified.


You won't be unprepared,


because we are going to show you how to do it first.


# Made me stronger so I'd rise up


# Made my mind up


# All that I do is to make you proud. #


I think it's a fair assumption


that we will never ever get it to JLS's standards.


Don't worry, because we've got an incredible vocal coach


to help you out.


Please give it up for Zoe.


Come on, Zoe.


I'm going to turn you guys into the best singers you can possibly be.


I'd like to hear a little bit of your own national anthem.


# God save our gracious Queen


# Mae hen wlad fyn hadau yn annwyl i mi. #


When you're ready, my love.


# Everybody's in love Gonna put your hands up


# Put your hands up. #


They said to me they were looking for a fifth member.


# Oh, Flower of Scotland


# When will we see...? #


Some are hit-and-miss.


But, Kelly, for instance, he wanted to sing.


He was like, "Yeah, I'll have a little go.


"Do I have to? All right."


The thing is as well,


they're all used to singing their national anthems.


Obviously they are singing one of our songs,


which is a totally different story.


It's going to be tough for them.


We are going to leave them in the capable hands of Zoe.


She has got her work cut out for her.


So, as JLS leave for their tour, the vocal training begins.


There's professionals, there's amateurs, and then there's us.




Yeah, terrible.


I'm a little stressed.


To say it wasn't quite there is an understatement.


We could be making complete fools of ourselves


in front of thousands of people.


I thought, by and large, I was OK


and I thought everyone else was absolutely dreadful.


Quite frankly, if they sing it like that,


I don't know what's going to happen!


Twickenham stadium.


England versus Ireland.


And the first time that the Sport Relief Big Hitters perform Proud


in front of 82,000 people.


I'm feeling a bit nervous about singing,


because normally when I used to go on the field I knew


what I was doing.


Mind you, there's no-one trying to kick you when you're singing.


I think it's better not to think about it and just do it.


Zoe gave a strict orders to not drink and have an early night in.


I think some of the boys might have disappointed her.


We've rehearsed for this moment coming up.


Are we ready?


Are we confident?


Are we going to be fantastic?


Have you been in the pub?




Can you get your t-shirts on?


I'm probably more nervous than I would be to play a game of rugby.


Gotta go.


The biggest part of today is going down that tunnel.


It brings about so many memories.


You see the England team running back in,


and think, "I would love to be there."


You get that buzz back again that you so badly missed.


It reminds me of things past, and you know you can't have them again.


We owe it to all the people who supported us.


We owe it to Zoe and JLS to put a good performance in.


# Now I'm hoping if you hear this


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud


# Make me stronger


# Make my mind up, all that I'd do is to make you proud, #


That felt amazing, but it was only 82,000 people.


Next time, Sport Relief night, millions of people will be watching.


One down, one very big one to go,


and it has to be even more precise and even more together for Friday.


That is proper wet yourself time.






OK, so


OK, so would


OK, so would anyone


OK, so would anyone here like to see JLS and the rugby stars in the


flesh? Yes! Yes, Paddy. The answer is yes, thank God you are clothed,


get them out here. Thank God you are still not! That's good - behave


yourself. That is good because Gary, Robbie, Mark and Ronan from JLS


will be here with the Sport Relief Big Hitters to perform for you


later on. That's not right. We will talk about that later. There is a


phrase we have been saying a lot tonight - prevention is better than


cure. It is true. If kids don't get sick, they don't go to hospital. If


they do have to go to hospital, the true heroes are the doctors and


nurses who are working in unimaginable conditions. The


following film was shot after a very bad night at the Children's


It was really rough, because Especially the big child,


you would not know a child can tell the person that


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


Those wonderful doctors and nurses face that day after day. Help to us


help them. It's just not fair, but we can level the playing field a


bit by making sure kids don't get that sick in the first place..


Please text "yes" to 70010. They cost �10 plus your standard network


charge. Earlier you saw the rugby stars entertaining the crowd at


Twickenham. The crowd loved it. game was on St Patrick's Day, so


most of the crowd were drunk. The real challenge will be performing


in front of a sober, sophisticated and intelligent audience and once


we get rid of these people... are the sophisticated, intelligent


audience, right? CHEERING


Who wants to see some real men on this stage? Oh, yeah, please give a


big welcome to the Sport Relief big # When my strength was gone


# And you told me that I should live my life to the limit


# When you fall down Get back up and fight


# Well, the shape of my heart don't lie


# I'm determined when you trust in me


# It's all I need


# Now I'm hoping


# If you hear this


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud


# Make me stronger


# So I rise up


# Make my mind up


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Proud, proud Make you


# Said I deserve the best in life


# I should be winning You got to spread your wings


# And prepare to fly


# Well, the shape of my heart don't lie


# I'm determined with your faith in me


# To make you see, yeah!


# Now I'm hoping, if you hear this


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud


# Make me stronger


# So I rise up


# Made my mind up


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Nobody can tell me


# They were there for me


# Before you came around


# There was pain in every heartbeat


# But eventually


# You built my resolve to be strong


# Now I'm hoping


# If you hear this


# You believe that all that I do is to make you proud


# So I rise up So I rise up


# All that I do is to make you proud


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud Make you


# Proud, proud


# All that I do is to make you proud






Well done


Well done lads.


Well done lads. Hello JLS. Wow! What about that, folks? Wow, wow,


wow, wow. CHEERING


It's just, woo-hoo. That is perfect for late on a Friday night slipping


into a Saturday, isn't it? Oh, yeah. That was good. That wasn't bad.


Tell me JB, what about the lads, how good were they, genuinely,


they've now done it, you can tell us the truth. You know, what the


lads have done us proud. Well done, guys.


APPLAUSE Obviously, Zoe, you've had your


work cut out for you. How were they? They were fun. It was


different. It was a challenge. Thank you boys. I love them. They


did great. Austin hitting some high notes there. Yeah, well I had a


little help from the lads beforehand. One of them gave me a


kick in the love spuds, so... Whatever happened, it worked. Due


enjoy it or was it just so nerve- racking it was excruciating? Erm...


It was nervewracking. We must thank JLS for letting us butcher your


brilliant song, by the way. It was brilliant. Thank you guys and Zoe


as well. Thanks again to our sporty Big Hitters. Thanky to Zoe Tyler


and JLS, who as always, are amazing for Sport Relief. Thank you very


much indeed boys. There we go. I actually thought you


did quite well there not to go all swoony and panty around those rugby


players. That's because I'm a professional and I'm perfectly


capable of handling a few sportsmen. That is true, because especially


for tonight, I've been sent some video footage of you handling a few


sportsmen. No, you haven't. And you wish as well. No, do the words "on


your knees" ring any bells? Don't get any -- where do you get


these sick ideas? They cave in a package from Mr Keith Lemon. Right.


It seems that you were handling quite a few packages yourself.


Nobody wants to see that Paddy! APPLAUSE


You do not either! Shut it. What would like to see Fearne handling a


Hello and welcome to Celebrity OK, let's meet our team captains.


Holly, you look lovely. Who's on your team?


Well, from McFly I have got Harry and Dougie!




And the very gorgeous Freddie Flintoff.




Let's meet our other less attractive team captain.


She knows she's beautiful. It's Fearne Cotton!




Fearne, who's on your team? I've got the lovely Rufus Hound.


ALL: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!


And Hoff-icially the coolest man ever - The Hoff!




Boom! Whoop! Whoop!


I love you, Fearne.




first up it's the Cover Story Round!




Opposite, adjacent to me


is a massive Strikerer-erer magazine with different categories on it.


Our teams choose a category, I will ask them


a question regarding that category.


First up to choose a category is Holly's Team.


Um, Freddie, do you want to choose? I will go for What Are You Packing?


You've chosen What Are You Packing?


What Are You Packing?


It's Mark Foster!




Mark, you are a swimmer, yes? I am a swimmer, yes.


HOLLY: I think we're kind of wasting- Mark having him


hiding in the magazine, actually.


Let's get him out! Come on, Mark! Come on!


Mark Foster, everyone!




Get him out!


Holly, shall I make your dream come- true? Give him a hug.


Yes. Come on!


Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, you are massive and lovely. Oh, hello.


Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.




That's the first time I've ever felt like...


A girl. Hey, Mark would you like to- join in the Celebrity Juice game. I'd love to join in. OK.


Let's play What Are You Packing?


OK, ladies, this is what's going to happen. As you can see,


we've got Rufus for Fearne's team,


we've got Freddie Flintstone for Holly's team,


and at the end, Mark Foster from the swimming baths.


They've got Lycra pants on


filled with sporting equipment.


You have to guess what that sporting equipment is only by using


the power of feeling. Right.


Are you ready? Yes. Can you put the- blindfolds on, please? OK. Fearne,


you're up first. All turn round, boys.


So you've got to feel Rufus - only feel him -


and guess what the sporting equipment is that he is packing.


Hence the title of the game -


What Are You Packing?


If I touch a bollock by mistake, I'm extremely sorry. Get down.


Get down. Feel! All right!


OK. There you go, Fearne. Feel it. Oh, for God's sake.


What is Rufus packing? What is the sporting equipment? Oh, God!


If I am touching...


That's it. Get a good feel!


Get a touch of his knobbly bits. Right now,


you are probably thinking, "That is some stud!"


Oh, my God.


I don't know what it is, but you'vegot to go to the doctor's, seriously.


It feels like a baby piano. A keyboard. A baby piano?!


It's sporting equipment, you dingbat!


Is it a football boot?




Help me up.


Next up, it's Holly Willoughbooby.


You've got to tell me what the sporting equipment is


that Freddie Flintstone is packing.- OK. OK.


Where are you?


There. OK.


OK. Too high there. Yeah. On purpose.


Nice? Feel good, yeah?


What is that? You owe me.




I'm not a horse. Hang on a second. Hopefully.


I hope that I...


Not me either.


It's quite hard.




Do you want to feel it with your face? No. Is it, um...


Is it... Can I? Sorry.


I'm going to have to. I need to feel the other end.


It feels like it goes like that. Like a ten-pin bowling pin.


Is that what you say it is? Yes, a ten-pin bowling pin.


Let's have a look. Is it? Correctamundo!




Well done, Holly. Well done. Well done. Thank you.


You've been waiting for this, haven't you? Haven't I!


OK. Come round here.


Turn around.


Just... Just...


Just this way.


Come on, give her a kiss. For Sport Relief!


Just kiss each other for Sport Relief! Just for Sport Relief.


Just kiss each other.HE SCREAMS


Behave yourself. Right, go on. Get on your knees and feel.


Where are we facing?


Here. Yes, that's it, Fearne. She's been here before.


Right. Get in low, Fearne.


Oh, it's very cold.


It might get warmer in a minute. HOLLY: Hang on, I know what it is.


That's a banana.


I've found something. I've found something. It's a squash ball.


A squash ball? It's very squidgy.


Let's have a look.


That's correct. It's a squash ball!- Well done, Holly.


No, no, no, no.


No, no, no, no, no.


- Smell your fingers. - Don't.


Smell your fingers.


I am NOT smelling...


You can either use touching or sniffing.


Smell your fingers.


Holly, don't!What is going on?


Oh, Holly!Holly, I can't. What is it?


Is the smell fishing?


Oh! Is it a fish?


Let's have a look.






Well done, Holly and Fearne!


The scores at the end of that round are:




That's all for this special Celebrity Juice Sport Relief Special.


If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window. Tara!






How good


How good was


How good was that? David Walliams swims the Thames, Fearne rubs the


smelly crotch of a swimmer. Let's hear it for Fearne. It was hard


work. It was horrible. We hope you're having a lot of fun tonight,


but if you could send us a text to support the work of Sport Relief,


it would be really, really great. Here's a film to remind you of what


tonight is all about. It's a tough families live in appalling


making this a very dangerous place to be a child.


Two-year-old Bernard has been brought to hospital


by his distraught dad, Joseph.


The doctors diagnose malaria and pneumonia


and do everything they can to stabilise him.


Joseph has spent all night at his son's bedside


willing his beautiful boy to pull through.


Bernard's breathing suddenly becomes dangerously shallow.


So, he's rushed through to intensive care.


The doctors are doing all they can.


All Joseph can do is wait and hope.


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


It's utterly


It's utterly heart


It's utterly heart breaking


It's utterly heart breaking and it really shouldn't be happening, but


that is as real as it gets. You can really help. Send a text and we can


change things. We don't want to be showing you this. It's not an easy


watch. People here, we don't want to see it, but the reason why we're


doing it is because you can make a change and make a change simply.


Please, please donate �10. Text "yes" to 70010. It's very, very


easy. It's time to say thank you to our fantastic mobile network


partners who have been amazingly generous in supporting Sport Relief


texting this year by not taking a penny so we get the whole delicious


lot. You rock, thank you. And a massive thanks to the BBC Radio


network and all the fantastic stations across the country doing


all sorts of stuff to raise tons of cash for Sport Relief. Let's hear


it for the people on the wireless. Come on.


Your week of hell for Sport Relief starts in five, four, three, two,


starts in five, four, three, two, one... Thank you very much. It's


Brilliant. Good work guys. Don't forget the Five Live 606 Sport


Relief auction, which finishes over the weekend, look out for details


at Relief, once our programme finishes. Please keep


texting. If you haven't already, this is your chance. Do it. Feel


good about yourself. Text "yes" to 70010. The whole �10 per text goes


to Sport Relief. For more information and full terms and


conditions go to the website. back stage in our star bar tonight,


stars of the show have been replying to your messages. Let's


see who is there. Mr John Bishop, hello. Hi Paddy how are you?


all right? Yeah. I'm apparently doing a thing called Twitter, which


apparently all the kids are up to, but I think I've bought a shed.


From a fella in Accrington. It's a good priced shed to be fair. Do you


fancy a jog tomorrow morning? I don't know Fearne. I don't mind


chasing you, to be fair. We should have that conversation off air


don't you think. I'm going to do the Sport Relief Mile on Sunday.


Good for you, John. Although it won't be like when we did the mile


at Radio 1 on a tread mill with a green screen behind us. Keep on


tweeting. Whatever that means, I'm doing it.


Give it up one more time for the legend that is John Bishop.


APPLAUSE Good luck on Sunday.


Now, as you know the film the Artist cleaned up at the Oscars


this year. Do you know who the star of the show was? The little doggy.


I love the dog. Don't tell me you managed to get the dog. That's


right, I haven't managed to get the dog. But I got a stuffed teddybear


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


instead. Think Pudsey before the # Whoa what a feeling


# When you're dancing on the ceiling #


# When a feeling # When we're dancing on the ceiling


# Oh, what a feeling # When you're dancing on the


Apology for the loss of subtitles for 278 seconds


#... Round and round and turning That will be you tomorrow. That was


amazing though. Seriously how amazing was that. Not only 5,000


metre champion Mo Farah, but also Lionel Ritchie, actual legend


Lionel Ritchie. Unbelievable. Minute I saw him on screen I


thought to myself, "Hello... # Is It me you're looking for


# I can see it in your eyes # I can see it in your smile


# And I want to tell you so much, I love you #


Erm... Say yes? No Paddy, I thought to myself, hello, what the hell is


Lionel doing working in a pub. that. That's what I thought as well.


Tragic. That's what I was... Should we get on with the... Are we doing


a show. Did you say yes as well? Yeah, I love you. Good. 50% of the


money we raise tonight will be spent here in the UK. Here's a film


which shows you how your much needed help helps. When I need


support I turn to my family. Sometimes when things are tough I


turn to my wife. When I've had a bad day I find strength in my dad.


There are thousands of people right here in the UK who feel they have


no-one to turn to. Sport Relief is working hard to find people in


trouble and give them a helping Any of the girls will say "Why


can't he give me one more kiss. Why Over the years,


Get them back on their feet, help them stand tall, with pride.


And never give up.


Children who bear the huge responsibility and challenge


of looking after their own parent.


My mum's got multiple sclerosis, which makes her really tired.


I mainly help my mum with the cooking


and I help with the injections and getting things ready for her.




It's like


It's like looking


It's like looking at a ghost of somebody who used to be there. He


But they do have someone who cares. They have you. Because 50% of Sport


Relief money gets spent right here in the UK - in England, Northern


Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Your money funds over 1300 projects


nationwide. I've witnessed first hand how important these


organisations are. It's your money that makes all this possible.


a great idea bringing able-bodied and disabled young people together


to break down barriers and build confidence. And what better way to


do that than through the power of sport? It helps me to be more


independent and come here. project is fantastic. I can't wish


for a better support network. Tonight you could be the rock that


supports the lifeline in someone else's life. Someone who really


needs your help right now. Call 03457 910 910 and make a difference


to someone's life. Or donate online at Sport Relief.


A big, big, big thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank


you. Thank you. Sport Relief funds more than 1300


projects in the UK. Help them to support more. To donate �10 text


"yes to 70010. It costs �10 plus your standard network message


charge. We are breaking all records tonight. We want you to give more.


Please keep on the text please. would be a delightful to see a big


fat juicy one, total I mean. We have seen true lay maizing things


tonight. We have seen Frank Skinner's length. Yes we have. Yes


but the trunks were tight. Barker and Claire bald bald having


a punch up. And John Bishop's week of hell. We have seen Fearne with


her face in a fair of fishy pants. We have. And Paddy making Abbas


salute -- an absolute tit of himself again and again and again.


It's true. I know. The real stars of tonight have been you and all


the many brilliant things that you've done to raise millions, yes


millions of pounds for Sport Relief. Here's just some of the many ways


you have been pulling out all the If we lose, there's going to be


problems. This is a strong look.




You can't leave me hanging. Give me five.


Thank you so, so much. You have been amazing tonight. It's still


early. It absolutely is. Well done you lot. It's not too late to make


a donation, just text "yes", we'll say it again and again. Text 70010.


It costs �10 plus your standard network message charge. The whole


�10 goes to Sport Relief. For full terms and conditions go to

:36:00.:36:05. Relief. Slightly worried that I'm on a platform in


this skirt with that lot behind me. I don't think anyone's really


complaining about that. Let's get through this bit quickly. That's


not helping. Time now for more laughs. It's getting late, it's now


safe to reveal the things you're unlikely to hear on a charity show,


Welcome to a special round of The category is: Unlikely Things


LAUGHTER Coming up is a short


and rather harrowing film about hunger in the Third World.


So this is probably a good opportunity to nip out


and make yourself a sandwich.




We've been digging a well because it's essential


that these people have somewhere to throw coins and make a wish.




Of course chronic diarrhoea is one of the worst diseases


that affects these children - children like Jenny.


Oh, for God's sake, don't... It's on my shoes!




I'm...I'm here.RETCHES


I'm here with David Walliams.RETCHES


Who just swam the River Ganges.


RETCHES Don't touch me. Don't touch me.




Please give generously,


otherwise I'm going to poke Pudsey in his other eye.




We desperately need your money to help starving people.


And now, in a slightly insensitive segue way,


let's have a look at some footage


of people getting into baths of baked beans.




Of course Britain is full of underprivileged children


with no hope and nowhere to go.


And the Government doesn't have enough money


to send them all to war.




We sent Chris Moyles to Africa.


Unfortunately he escaped and came back again.




Susan from Brentford rang up to donate �20.


Mike from Manchester rang up to donate �30.


And Barry from Glasgow


rang up to order two Hawaiian pizzas with a Pepsi.






they ate everything we sent them last year. I know! All of it!


So "someone's" going to have to start buying them food


all over again.




That was The Saturdays, up next,


Dara O'Briain doing an impression of a doorbell.


That should be good.BUZZ!


Just �15 a week will pay for the drugs


that'll help me stop thinking about poor people.




A big round of applause for the people who've been working all night here.


None of us are getting paid. NONE of us are getting paid?!


I'm sorry, I'm out.




This is a soup kitchen and the conditions are appalling.


There's no gazpacho, no vichyssoise.


And no-one's even heard of crab bisque, even as an amuse-bouche.




Big thanks to Alex Ferguson for his- MASSIVE support for Red Nose Day.


He...hasn't taken his off for 69 years!




The money we're trying to raise here is to help people


whose lives have been destroyed by Justin Lee Collins.




When I was lying there in the bath of custard


and I wasn't sure if I would be able to go on,


but then I remembered I've got a lovely apple crumble in the oven.




The tragedy is that this blindness is caused by ignorance.


With your help, we can stop these people masturbating.




Everything we raise today will go to Charity -


a lap dancer who's 19, and I'm particularly fond of.




Tonight we're raising money for Dara O'Briain.


We work so he doesn't have to.






So from Unlikely Things to Hear on a TV Charity Show


to the most important thing you'll hear tonight, how you can donate.


Please call 03457 9 10 9 10.


Or go online at


Your money can make a difference.


You've watched Mock The Week for Sport Relief.


Thank you. Goodbye.






Thank you


Thank you Dara


Thank you Dara and those naughty boys. It's often said that sports


people aren't funny. That is right. Sports people aren't funny. Wayne


Rooney's hair, Paula Radcliffe's toilet break, David Beckham's voice,


Harry Redknapp's dog, Ashley Cole's picture messages. None of that is


funny. Clearly not funny. Not funny. This year, we decided to change all


of that by getting some of the country's best comedians and Paddy


here, to educate some sports stars like Michael Vaughn, Ben Cohen and


Gabby Kfpb logan -- Logan in the art of the stand-up. Guess whose


pupil won? Thank you. She's here tonight. Here's Gabby loingan being


funny for charity money. Gabby Logan's language in this bit...


Fruity? I'd say filthy, because apparently she learned her act from


I want you to do the walk-on. Thank you Claudia.. Show me how to


handle it. Yeah, I own this. wrote some stuff yesterday.


did? And she's typed it. She's got good notions and her own ideas,


that's good. Some of the material he's interested in me using appears


to be rude about people in the public eye. It could go badly wrong.


public eye. It could go badly wrong. I might never work in this country


Who'd have thought it hey, you spend' week trying to be a stand up


with Paddy keeltkeelt and all you pick up are Irish dancing moves and


crabs. I'm joking. I am joking, of course


I could Irish dance! I have to tell you, I am so nervous. I am pooping


my pants. My dressing room floor looks like the inside of David


Walliams' wet suit. My stomach is as tight as Tom Daley's speedos. Is


it wrong to fancy him? I nearly didn't make it out of the house


tonight. My little girl did that thing, you know that six-year-old's


do. Have you got kids of that age tonight? Yes. They can turn it on,


can't they? They turn it on. She looked at me with her Big Blue eyes,


the bottom lip started going, a little tear. "Mummy, where are you


going tonight? You're always going out. You said you'd be with me


tonight." I said, "Lois... Because that's her name... Tonight, mummy,


she's a bit smaller than, that I said Lois, tonight mummy is going


out to work to help the poor starving children of Africa.


Without me they will die. Who feels guilty now? I do get the odd


compliment. You get people in the street saying "Sue, Sue. I love you


on question of sport. That's when you know you've made it.


You do get recognised and sometimes it can be in embarrassing


situations. I was in a hotel checking in for a football match in


Cardiff. The lobby was full of fans going to the game. A few of them


recognised me. This one guy stopped and he went "Gabby Logan."


Everybody else turned around. He had a little boy with him. He said


"Son, this is Gabby Logan. I used to watch her on telly on Sky in the


90s. She used to be locking gorgeous. "Thank you so much.


I tell you what, I'll give it to you. She was brilliant. Well done


Gabby. She was great. Come on. Good girl. Well done. We've seen a lot


of sporting action, a lot of great comedy and some fantastic music and


raised shed loads of money. But none of this would be possible


without these people, our fantastic technical partners. In previous


years some people have said that this part of the show isn't sexy


enough. So this year, we would like to thank...


# Oh, my love machine darling... # Carenza. Sisco. Oracle. HP.


Fearne. PayPal. I'm loving your work Fearne. You're liking this


Paddy. NCC Group. And Riverbed Fearne. Pads, that's pretty sexy


right. Sexy guys. I sense some chemistry there as well. You're not


wrong. That was such a tender touch you had there. I know. Paddy?


That was sensual. That was great. Breathe deep, chill out OK. I have


an announcement to make as well. This is exciting. Let him calm down.


The Scottish Government through the Scottish Sport Relief home and away


programmes are going to match �2.5 million that Sport Relief spend on


projects in Scotland and in the poorest countries in the world.


Guys, that is an extra �2.5 million to go in the pot.


APPLAUSE Where did you learn the trick with


your tongue... Just my thing. It's what I do. That was really good. We


need you to do us a favour. Please get your mobile out and text "yes"


to 70010 as you'll see from the next film tonight, honestly, your


In Sierra Leone one in five children don't make it to their


fifth birblg day -- birthday. Alpha is desperately ill with pneumonia.


All his mum can do is watch and In the next bed there's another


baby critically ill with pneumonia His name isan Amadu. Alfa's mum


continues her bedside vigil. Suddenly little Amadu's condition


becomes critical. The doctors do In the bed opposite, Alfa takes a


turn for the worse. Both of their boys are on the edge. Then Alfa's


heart fails and he dies. Four minutes later, Amadu sadly


loses hi fight for life. So both mothers lost their sons


today. We have to vaccinate and protect more children. We have to


stop children dying like this. Please help us. Together we can


change things. Call or donate online.


It's just, so sad and I'm sure if you're a parent at home and you


have kids, watching that is beyond unbearable. Those deaths were


preventable. You really can help. If you're sat there and maybe you


haven't donated yet, maybe your phone is within arm's reach. Pick


it up and do this now. You just need to text "yes" to 70010. It is


that easy. You will help so many people out there. That whole �10


goes to Sport Relief. Texts cost �10 plus your standard network


charge. For full terms and conditions go to


Relief. We've been breaking records. You've been doing so, so well.


Please, please keep it coming. It's been a great night so far. It's


gone really well. Sure, though, just like Paddy's bikini line we


have had a few rough patches and odd little cock-up.


We all saw it. Yeah. I'll go with that. Have a look. Don't.


That's quite tight. Can't see a thing. Yeah. We're having a meeting.


You know with Stella McCartney and Kate Moss.


Yeah. Sport Relief Mile on March... Something like that. OK so it's day


one... Of Strictly Come Dancing. You'll persist... Bla, blah. Sport


Relief Mile on March... Something like that. Trying to do it. Very,


very confused. Me Bill doesn't know what's going on now. -- Phil


Jupitus doesn't know what's going It's one thing from the back.


as you can please. Something different, something


that... So, she wants, I shouldn't say that. She's move ago way now.


My testicles are just past my heart. My spleen fell out. That's an awful


noise. It's a scary likeness. whole village has turned out today.


Great for... Don't go on. However you decide to do it, go the extra


mile more Sport Relief. This is APPLAUSE


You know what, I will never forget the afternoon where Gary Lineker


had his head basically on my buttocks for about two hours. It


was a wonderful day. We have seen our own Sport Relief heroes do


amazing things. Let's remind ourselves of the brilliant work of


Freddie Flintoff, Helen skeleton, Frank Skinner, David Walliams and


John Bishop. And some of the other fantastic challenges that have


taken place this year for Sport Relief.


I'm trying to break 12 world I thought it would have a chance of


catching people's imaginations. Your body is not meant to do this


much swimming day after day. When they asked me to did a mile for


Sport Relief, they never said it would be straight down. Someone


opens the door and you think, what am I doing? With the red devil's


sign you feel pretty safe. I am peddling -- pedalling. Put your


back into it. Dear oh, dear. No stamina young people. I'm hoping to


reach the South Pole in just 20 days. My legs! Ouch! This is


Broadgate Tower, at over 165 metres high it's the fourth tallest


building in the city. Between us we have to go down to the building ten


times to complete our mile, meaning some of us are going down twice.


That is one mile. My whole life people said to me "What are you


frightened of it." Some people have to think about it. I always say


I have massively underestimated this, massively. One hour's sleep


and he's in the boat. APPLAUSE


I think they really do deserve another round of applause. Give it


up. Come on. OK guys, that's why they've been putting themselves


through it. We're about to show you another film. There will be a


number in the top corner. Please as you're watching this, just think,


that number text, call, change a This is the ward where


Peace's baby, Florence, the more they're also susceptible


Diarrhoea, dehydration, And all the three she has


So if she'd had the vaccine she wouldn't have got pneumonia,


And what's the prognosis TRANSLATION: Yesterday,


I don't want them to fall sick I want them to be healthy,


I just think it's so sad to see this 17-year-old on her own


with two children who get regularly sick.


And all she wants is for them to play.


And that's something we take for granted.


Her biggest hope is that her child is strong enough to run and laugh.


# So for once in my life let me get what I want


# Lord knows It would be the first time. #


If Florence had been given a simple �5 vaccine,


she might not be in hospital fighting for her life.


What breaks my heart is that,


though she's made it through the night,


children have to be strong and well to be vaccinated.


And at the moment, Florence is too unwell and too weak.


I think the worst thing for me is that


that little girl may never run around and play.


Um... She's just too much to take on, really.


to protect children like Florence.


Please call...


Or go online and give what you can.


Thank you.




It's not


It's not too


It's not too late. So please donate �10 to Sport Relief. Do it right


now. Just text "yes" to 70010. Texts cost �10. Can you still get


involved on Sunday by doing the Sport Relief Mile. Go to the


website and find out more. You'll be helping to change lives. So,


that's almost it. That is almost it for Sport Relief 2012. What a night


it's been. An incredible evening. There's one way and one way only to


end the show, that is with a Kick- Ass montage of the best bits of


tonight set to a huge 1980s power ballad, yes. Boom. Are you ready?


Good evening everyone and welcome Tonight you can change lives.


You're getting a straight red for this one.


Sleek and streamlined, truly a wonder down under. I am a little


nervous, I think it's true to say. I'm going to go skipping. It's a


spectacle you can't miss. Listen Cowell. Have you got


anything a bit more exciting than That is just beyond anything I


# We can build this dream together # Stand it strong forever


# Nothing's going to stop us now # That is proper wet yourself time.


The lads have done us proud. Well done guys. Thank you, bye. Now, you


just caught a glimpse of yourself in the swimming costume. Yes.


can download that right now. Thank you all so much for watching and


more importantly for donating. That is the important bit. We have been


raising money for over seven hours and there's still masses of


fundraising money still to come in. But now we can have a look folks,


at what we have got. Here comes the grand total for the evening.


ready? Here we go. Five, four, Wow! Whoa. Unbelievable. You are


record breakers. That is unbelievable. That is a stunning,


stunning amount of money right there. What an amazing evening it


has been. Thank you to all of you for your support. Thank you, thank


you. And good luck if you are doing the mile on Sunday. That is such a


gorgeous total right there. Also, look, don't forget to tune into the


Mile show at 1pm Sunday afternoon. Watch David Walliams epic swim next


if you missed it. I don't know about you, but I have had the time


of my life. I've never felt this way before. Yes, it's true and we


owe it all to you. Good night. Knight folks.



John Bishop, Fearne Cotton and James Corden are in the hot seat as Kate Moss, Stella McCartney, Colin Jackson and Linford Christie are among the star names appearing with Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley in a special edition of Absolutely Fabulous for Sport Relief. There's also a special edition of Question of Sport, with 'Sue Barker' as you have never seen her before!


Sporting superstar Freddie Flintoff continues his world record breaking quest live in the studio, and there's more great entertainment from special episodes of Celebrity Juice and 8 Out of 10 Cats. Emeli Sande performs live in the studio.


Patrick Kielty takes the baton for an amazing climax as JLS perform with the Sport Relief big hitters as a chorus of rugby's finest internationals rise to the challenge of hitting the high notes with one of the world's biggest groups. Mo Farah takes on the race of his life against Misery Bear, there's a special Mock the Week, and plenty more live surprises as well.

We also hear first-hand throughout the evening how the money raised for Sport Relief is spent helping disadvantaged people both here in the UK and in other parts of the world.