Stand up for Sport Relief Sport Relief

Less than two weeks to go, five heroes from the world of sport

took on a huge challenge for Sport Relief.

They've won World Cups, Ashes series, heavyweight titles,

major footballing honours and competed in Commonwealth Games.

And while they're at home on the pitch or in the ring, none of them have ever faced anything like this -

stand-up comedy.

-Not a natural funny guy.

-I'm confident, but not funny.

They've put their necks on the line for Sport Relief.

Tonight, they'll be performing their own set in front of a sell-out crowd.

Completely out of my comfort zone.

Luckily, they're not on their own.

-Each have had their own stand-up comic to help them.

-That's funny.

-That's some funny shit!

-It's like CSI Derbyshire.

I feel you believe in me and that's the most important thing!

-You're huge.

-How will they cope out of their comfort zone?

There are some nerves jangling because it's real.

Will they be winners or losers?

I'm more nervous for this than for any cricket match I've ever played.

Looking at this, I'm as nervous as anything.

It's completely against all human nature to get up in front of a load

of strangers and tell them you're the funniest person they've met.

-It's a big deal.

-Will they wow a hardened comedy audience?

Or will they fall flat on their face?

This is Stand Up For Sport Relief.

This is the Bloomsbury Theatre, and it's almost show time.

The audience are gathered outside, the sports stars are backstage,

and the comedians, are probably in the bar.

This is who is on the bill tonight.

Ashes-winning cricketer, Michael Vaughan.

To actually tell jokes, off-the-cuff gags, I've never done that.

Football hard man, Razor Ruddock.

Playing football, walking down the tunnel is a buzz.

This'll be like Anfield in front of 50,000 people.

World Cup winner Ben Cohen.

I can't believe I've agreed to do it!

I'm not a naturally funny guy, I'm quite serious.

Unbeaten, former British and Commonwealth champion, Tyson Fury.

I'm going out there and doing something I'm not used to doing,

I'll go out and give it 100%. That's what I intend to do.

BBC sports presenter and former Commonwealth gymnast, Gabby Logan.

There are nerves jangling because it's real.

I hope it's not the scariest thing I ever do.

I'll tell you afterwards if the IBS hasn't taken over.

I'm in the bowels of the theatre with five scared sports stars. How are you feeling?

Shitting meself.

I arrived with a script and some gags that I thought were funny,

Jason's gone, "No, thanks!"

I've got a new script to learn in 30 minutes.

Nice! Good luck! You're looking confident and charming?

I'm hilarious. Over an hour.

In three minutes... I'll try my hardest, that's all you can do.

True. Good boy, we're all here for Sport Relief.

Gabby, out of your comfort zone, But I know for a fact you're bloody funny.

I don't know, three minutes, my set's 43 minutes!

Your sex or your set?!

Thank you, boys, thank you!

I sex in under three minutes. Ben, how are you feeling?

I'm nervous, I'd like to know I've got a game plan,

-but I'll go out and wing it.

-Winging it is good, is that correct?

That's about correct. You've to give it your best shot and hope for the best.

-Loads of sporting cliches, great!

-Good luck to all of you.

-We're all over the moon.

-To be fair.

-To be fair.

Quite! They're not doing it alone.

Here are the brilliant comedians who was helped them.

Knocking Michael Vaughan into shape, Jason Manford.

Stand-up, as they say, is the hardest job in the world.

It's not, it's certainly is the hardest job in showbiz.

Tackling Razor Ruddock, it's Chris Ramsey.

If they die on their arse, It'll be awful.

Kicking Ben Cohen into touch, Andi Osho.

Stand-up is hard because you've made an agreement with the audience

that you'll do one thing, make them laugh.

Finding Tyson Fury's funny bones, Daniel Sloss.

You're putting yourself in an uncomfortable position

I would crap myself.

Helping Gabby Logan find the gags, it's Patrick Kielty.

Getting on stage isn't the main thing. That's just the start.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Stand Up for Sport Relief!

Welcome your host for the night, Claudia Winkleman.

Hello, hello!

You're brilliant.

Thank you, you are already brilliant.

Welcome to Stand Up for Sport Relief 2012.

Tonight, five sports stars are going to attempt one of the most difficult jobs around -

stand-up comedy.

And because sports stars can't do anything without turning it into a competition,

the audience here tonight will be voting for their favourite.

They've had less than two weeks to prepare their sets,

but they've had a bit of help from genuine, brilliant professionals.

It's time for our first sport comedy combo.

The sports star is the magnificent Michael Vaughan.

CHEERING

He has captained England, won the Ashes,

and earned himself an OBE, all very impressive.

Not that amusing.

Helping him is the brilliant, I'm in love with him, don't tell him,

Jason Manford!

CHEERING

Hello. Hiya.

Very nice, thank you.

Good evening.

So, here we go. So, you all got in for free?

So, even if nothing's funny, you got your money's worth already.

It doesn't matter, doesn't it?

It's weird working with sports people.

I am not sporty, as you'd imagine.

I know nothing about cricket so that was quite awkward when I first met Michael.

I do worry a little bit, what he'll do with his life?

What can you do after you've finished cricket?

You don't like working in the rain. You don't like working when it goes a bit dark.

And every so often you've to stop for tea and Battenberg.

There's no job you could do, maybe motorway maintenance, maybe that.

I'm more of a football fan. I like reading about footballers.

My favourite player at the moment, Carlos Tevez at Manchester City.

This is a man who hasn't worked for four months

because he said the manager was treating him like a dog.

I thought, "Isn't your job to run around a field chasing a ball?!"

Come on now, isn't it?

Go get the ball, go get the ball! Good boy!

I like the way sports stars give themselves nicknames and stuff.

Vaughny, my mate. It didn't take me long to come up with that one.

I was in the gym and this fella came in.

He went, "All right, Dave?" and Dave went, "All right, Penguin."

And they carried on with their afternoon.

I was thinking, "Why is he called penguin?"

I built up enough courage and asked why.

And he said, "20 years ago,

"we were in Thailand and everyone had a few drinks

"and he was walking home and a woman said "Do you fancy a bit?""

I don't know if she did it in that accent.

She said, "Do you fancy a bit?" He went, "Yeah, all right."

He went to the beach.

She's gone on her knees, trousers have come down, pants have come down around his ankles.

She's having a play, whatever. I wasn't there, I'm speculating!

In a flash, she whips the wallet out of his pants

and runs from the beach! This guy chases after her like this.

20 years! That's why he's called Penguin!

I loved it.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I'm introducing you to Michael Vaughan.

This is when we first met. Have a look at this.

I'm on my way to meet Michael Vaughan, the cricketer,

and hopefully teach him how to do stand-up comedy.

I'm hoping he already has some funny stories and I say,

"Do them" and I'll be home for one o'clock!

-Hello, what's going on here?

-Partner, is it?

I suppose we are now. It's like CSI Derbyshire!

-What are you dressed like this for?

-We're producing a masterpiece!

Let's go and write some jokes.

What's this, look at this. A memorabilia room.

I've got a memorabilia shelf in my house! How are you feeling?

I'm all right at the minute.

-Standing on the stage and seeing 500, I might get the odd...

-Yeah.

When you get a gag, how do you know it's funny?

I test it out on the wife and my mum.

Have you got a gag I could use on my missus?

What if we try you with an old joke. Two monkeys in a bath. One goes,

"Oooh, ah, ah!" The other says, "Put some cold water in."

It's an old joke. It's older than both of us put together.

Let's try that on your wife and see if she laughs.

-Your joke-telling ability.

-All right, love. Two monkeys in a bath.

One goes, "Ooh, ooh, ah, ah!"

The other one says, "Put some cold water in!"

HE LAUGHS

-Tough crowd, man!

-The kids might like.

Two monkeys in a bath, one goes, "Ooh, ooh, ah, ah!"

The other one says, "Put some cold water in!"

'I would be pretty terrified if I was him right now.'

It is the hardest job in show business.

There's nothing more frightening than going out to bat when you're not in form.

And you know there's a big crowd and expectations.

Jason, how are you?

'He's had a good week to go through his set.'

I'm hoping he's fleshed out some of his stories that he told us last week.

So far, there's not a great deal there.

-We wanted to talk about Shane Warne, didn't we?

-Yeah.

-He's ripe.

-Yeah, he's changed little bit.

-Yeah, by about four stone!

My job has never been to make people laugh

and I've suddenly got to produce three minutes, 500 people in a room, and make them chuckle.

Liz Hurley's into her appearance. She got her arsehole waxed.

To be fair, he was good at cricket.

-That's a bit harsh.

-I like that. That might be my opener.

Look at that, I'm starting to get some script ready.

The nearer I'm getting to it,

I'm thinking, "Why the hell have I agreed to do this?"

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome cricketing legend Michael Vaughan!

APPLAUSE

Evening, how are ya?

Nice, nice.

I tell you what,

I'll come down south again for that kind of ovation.

My mates always say that the further south that you go,

the ruder people are.

That explains Australians.

Sorry. Any Aussies in?

Yeah!

Shit.

So who's wiping the tables down at Walkabout tonight, then?!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh-h-h!

I have to say, I like Australians, I have a lot in common with them -

it's been ten years since I was any good at cricket as well!

A few weeks ago, I turned to my mates and said,

"I've to do this stand-up," they looked shocked, particularly my mate, Shane.

APPLAUSE

-There we go, and we're off.

-Come on!

To be honest, he's looked shocked for three years.

Look at this, have you ever seen a chin with a mirror!

I mean, what makes me, and amuses me more than anything,

is Liz Hurley has been going out with him for six months

and not realised she's been going out with Pete Burns.

Fair credit to Liz,

she's the first person in history who has actually polished a turd.

It's offensive, but it'll do.

In 2005 we won the Ashes.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

We spent the day drinking and meeting dignitaries,

I can tell you, not a good mix.

I ended up at Tony Blair's house, Number 10, and the caterer says

"It's the first time I've ever been asked to make kebabs."

As captain, I spent most of the time with Tony,

he's all right, pretty boring, but he's all right.

When I was with him, I noticed in the corner of my eye

that someone was pissing in his daffodils in the corner.

I don't want to name names, but I walk up to Freddie...!

Yes, yes!

I say, "Fred, what are you doing?"

He said, "He's been taking the piss out of us for ten years,

"it's a bit of payback!"

My last form of duty was to have a picture on the doorstep

with Tony himself. There's thousands of cameras there,

they all want a picture.

We're all ready and Tony walks up in a nice blue suit,

he tries to be funny, and says, "I wonder what all these people are here for?"

One of my blunt Yorkshire friends said,

"To take your picture, you knob".

It was made worse by the cameraman shouting, "Cheese!" just after.

We got "knob cheese" on the doorstep of Number 10.

Thank you very much! Good night. I'm not here all week!

CHEERING

- That'll do, won't it? - Well done, man.

What did I tell you?

I'm shaking!

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Vaughan,

-and his mentor, Jason Manford. Both of them were brilliant, would you agree?

-Yes!

-Are you ready for your next act?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Our next comedy rookie is the absolutely astounding footballer Neil Ruddock.

He's won the league cup with Liverpool,

and played for England, but he knows as much about stand-up as I know about football.

I will be honest, nothing, can't even spell it.

Helping him out is one of the hottest new stand-ups around, the fantastic Chris Ramsey.

APPLAUSE

Yes.

Hello.

-Everyone all right? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Good, it's nice to be here, my name is Chris Ramsey,

I'm looking after Neil "Razor" Ruddock.

Can everyone understand what I'm saying?

If you said no, you understood the question!

I have to check, genuinely, I'm from Newcastle, well, Newcastle area.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-"Whoo!"

-One person, thanks, Mam!

When you're from the north-east, people assume you're a massive

football fan - I'm not a football fan,

but people assume you do. They hear the accent

and go straight in with the high-level football banter.

The aggression... I was in a taxi in Manchester,

the taxi driver went, "Is it that a Newcastle accent?"

He didn't even ask if I was a football fan,

he just went, "Ahhhhh, ooooh!" I was going, "What the f...?!"

HE MAKES MONKEY NOISES

"Newcastle, eh? What happened to you last week?"

Went shopping on Monday!

Bought a nice hat.

It's been fun working with Neil, I have to warn you straight away,

he's the blokeiest, most laddish man I have ever met in my life.

Meeting him was like being beaten to death with a copy of Nutz.

There's some women on the front row,

if he glances at you, you'll be pregnant.

It's unbelievable. He's cool, a nice bloke, he's like your cool, but rapey uncle.

He's pretty cool, let's you stay up late,

gives you drugs, but probably tried to finger your mam!

Let's have a little look at the VT and see what we've been getting up to.

We're at Newcastle United's ground,

we're about to meet Neil Razor Ruddock.

I'll teach him some stand-up.

It's about being likeable, as long as he's not arrogant on stage, he should be fine.

Nice to meet ya, fella. Have you played in here before?

Only about ten times, son.

I'm a living legend!

There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance.

If you come on... You've got three minutes to be, bang, bang, bang.

I'll be good at it, I'm hilarious!

I have a surprise for you, you'll do a trial run of your stand-up in a room full of guinea pigs.

I'm looking forward to that. Thanks for that surprise(!)

I've got half hour and then I'm on stage.

Have you any jokes that don't resolve around being pissed and having sex?

No, no.

Oh, God, this is hard!

You're saying before the opener...

11 o'clock, let's bring the pole on, wanking competition!

Don't you ever wank in front of your mates?

-Of course not!

-No? Why not? Are you gay or something?

I feel like I'm 14, talking about wanking!

I like it, that's self-deprecating. We're getting somewhere now.

We're going to this place. Sitting here, you don't learn to play football in an office.

I just don't think it'll go very well in here. I'm cringing,

but I want to watch at the same time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Neil Razor Ruddock, I've always wanted

to do this, get on stage and talk in front of hundreds of people.

There's some beautiful ladies tonight. Hiya, darling, how are you?

I come on the train tonight, it's my own fault,

I should have disguised it as an asthma attack, boom, boom.

We've a lot to look at.

I think I nailed them. Without your training, that could have gone bad!

It was terrible. It was terrible.

It was rubbish. Everyone needs a kick up the back side.

Showtime is getting closer by the day.

A lot of it is his stuff, I took about 40 references to wanking out.

Footballer, very confident, told us I couldn't swear,

do your thing about swearing.

Do you want to hear my James Mason, "I'm going down with the Nautilus."

Yeah, don't do that!

There's a possibility he'll lose the audience,

he'll be arrogant and they'll hate him.

I can't do anything about that.

My biggest worry is do I look good on camera with the clothes I chose.

That's my biggest worry.

CHEERING

He's doing it for a very good cause, welcome to the stage, the fantastic Neil "Razor" Ruddock.

CHEERING

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Yes.

For those of you who don't know, I'm Neil Razor Ruddock,

all those who don't, just think I'm the prick who'll do any TV show to get himself fucking famous again.

Hello, it's me again. Hello!

I do swear a lot, and sometimes the C-word does pop out.

I don't want you to get offended.

I don't want you to think it's Chelsea!

It's not, because they are BEEP!

But, girls, if the C-word pops out again, don't be offended,

cos it does taste better than it sounds. OK?

I told him. I told him. I told him!

-Listen to this.

-All right, love?

Well, to be... That's a fucking lie, by the way.

There was this bird in Rotherham one night...eurgh!

Actually, I remember this.

Remember when you was a lad, you used to put your tongue on a battery?

That's what it tasted like.

He's the worst ever.

I tried to get out of this, cos when I played football, it was easy to get out of football,

because if I wanted to get on the piss at Christmas,

two weeks before Christmas, I'd walk on the pitch,

head butt someone, get a red card, Christmas off, in the pub with the chaps.

It's true!

I couldn't use violence to get out of TV work again, because I did it on Children In Need.

I went up and nutted Pudsey the BEEPing bear.

Now you know why he has a bad eye, to be fair to him.

Footballers, I don't know if you know this, you might, footballers, we are thick.

David Beckham, remember him?

He give the fucking game away, didn't he?

When he started talking on telly.

Everyone thought, "Fuck me, they're thick, them."

He's put the fuck count through the roof!

Another thick footballer - Wayne Rooney, God bless him,

terrible news, he had a fire, had a fire at Wayne Rooney's house,

and it spread to his library, and burnt both his books.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The thing was, he was gutted, cos he only coloured one of them in.

APPLAUSE

God bless you all, have a safe journey, thank you very much indeed.

What do we think?

Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Ruddock and Chris Ramsey.

Absolutely brilliant.

Remember, they are all only doing this for Sport Relief.

Please, if you can, get texting.

This film is about some of the amazing work we do here in the UK, and more importantly, how to donate.

The money raised through Sport Relief

not only goes towards helping people living tough lives overseas.

Half of the money you raise is spent in the UK

helping projects on your doorstep.

Every penny works hard helping people like this.

I didn't want to fight any more. I was starting to get scared.

They looked at me and said, "Is he ex-forces?!"

They said, "He probably has severe post-traumatic stress disorder."

Combat Stress stepped in. I've been given coping strategies, so it shouldn't be as bad as it was.

How much support are TJ and Jason?

I depend on them.

I feel guilty, because I can't do what normal families do.

The project is fantastic, I can't wish for a better support network for the boys.

I was first diagnosed with a mental health problem in 2007.

-Depression.

-Bipolar.

Any time I play football, I feel free.

I enjoy it. I have fun.

Hello.

How are you?

Sport Relief funds reminisce sessions,

-have you enjoyed talking about your life?

-Yeah.

My sight went, it was rapid. Two weeks later, I was blind.

I had a dream about disability awareness,

introducing sport to youngsters.

I want them to look back and think, "I achieved this and that,"

moments of happiness in their lives we can give.

Sport Relief funds over 1,300 projects,

helping thousands of people up and down the UK.

As you can see, everything you do for Sport Relief makes such a difference.

Please show your support tonight. Thank you.

There you go, you heard it from Billy Piper,

but it really is worth repeating. Please, if you can:

Now, the next act is magnificent.

Just so you know! Rugby international, Ben Cohen.

AUDIENCE: Whooo!

Thank you. Ben is one of the highest-scoring rugby players this country has ever produced.

Brilliant on the rugby field, not so much use on the stage.

Helping him is a hilarious and gorgeous lady.

Please give it up for Andi Osho!

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hiya!

Are you all right? Hey!

Well, first off, I do not need to worry about doing my dirty material.

Fucking hell!

Shit!

I was backstage going, "That thing I do about old men having an orgasm

"and it coming out like dust, I can't do that."

That's what I thought, it must come out like dust,

like when you squeeze a talcum powder bottle too hard... Oh!

Maybe that's why old people's homes are covered in dust as well.

You know like in films when they pull an old book off the shelf and they're like, "Grandad!"

So here we are at Sport Relief, and obviously I got paired with Ben Cohen. I thought, "That's a result."

I'm in one of the host Olympic boroughs as well. Are we excited about the Olympics?

CHEERING

There must be some Americans in, cos people sounded happy about it!

In Newham, where I am,

we're not completely on board yet, with the Olympics.

A lot of Newham residents won't be in the events,

unless it's the women get home safely after midnight dash.

It's not looking good for us.

We're not a healthy bunch of people in Newham.

For us, five a day is a blue WKD, chips, spliff, fruit pastilles, punch-up. That is it.

That is it.

What I love, this is one of the things they wanted to do, I don't know if they'll do it,

but they wanted cab drivers to learn different languages

in anticipation of all the international guests.

This is a terrible idea.

The last thing we need is cab drivers being able to say in six different languages,

"The trouble with foreigners is..."!

Nobody needs that.

I have been paired with Ben Cohen, who's been amazing.

We made a film and this is what happened when we first met.

All right, so we're here at Ben Cohen's beautiful country pile.

I don't know a lot about him, actually.

He plays rugby, and I've been told about this.

Bam-chica-bam-bam. The Ben Cohen calendar.

-Hi, Ben!

-All right, Andi! How're you?

-Yeah, good, thanks.

-How're you doing?

-Good.

-You are here to try to make me funny?

-You ARE going to be funny.

-How are you feeling about it?

-A bit apprehensive, a bit nervous.

Why?!

I'm not a natural funny guy.

So, Ben, you got any good rugby stories?

I've got quite a few, I don't know if they're for TV or not.

I'd just come off the pitch after my third cap for England,

I sat down and I thought, "I'd better start getting changed," so I pulled down my pants,

-and naturally adjusted myself.

-As you do.

When I adjusted myself, I stood up

and I was face-to-face with...Prince Harry!

Excellent.

But my natural reaction was to put my hand out to shake his hand, and he shook my hand.

I thought, "This is one for the memory."

'We've sort of got a rough idea of what we want to talk about.'

For the first time, doing stand-up,

Mr Ben Cohen. Whoo!

What we have to do now, is go through it, make sure the gags work,

that Ben's happy to perform them, that he can nail the punchlines and stuff.

We went to some chicken factory and rescued two chickens.

Did you say chicken factory? Aren't they called farms?

-Chicken farm?

-I think that sounds better than a chicken factory.

I'm laughing at my own jokes!

I'm worried I'm going to die on stage, that has been the number one concern from the word go.

That's funny. That's some funny shit.

If they laugh in sympathy, that's fine.

If they don't like the joke, fine, just laugh anyway.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Ben Cohen.

# I'm sexy and I know it. #

Good evening, everybody.

Thank you.

It's great to be here, and I've got to say,

I've been thinking, how I can get out of this all week.

I've even rang Andi and said, "I'm fucking pregnant, I don't want to do it."

She said, "You ain't getting out of it, mate, that's it."

Post-rugby, you really do think,

actually, what can I do with my career,

and you have like Martin Johnson. Martin Johnson goes into management.

Sort of.

And you've got Mike Tindall, marrying into the Royal Family.

Sort of.

And you've got Mike Dawson, doing his bloody dancing,

and actually, again, sort of.

I'm right saying it about Daws, I've known him since he had hair,

and all through the comb-over period.

But I was asked to do that, and I had to say no,

because that is dry humping.

I've actually done a calendar, as you've seen,

and it's quite hard to do a calendar, because you don't know what poses to do.

So the first pose for January was like this.

And the second one was like this.

And the third one, I thought, I'll do the Jonny Wilkinson stance, it's a winner, so I was like that.

You may mock, but they sold better than Martin Johnson's calendar.

It was 2003, we'd just won the World Cup, fantastic time,

beating the Australians in the back garden.

-Whoo!

-Thank you.

There's Australians in here tonight, I heard Vaughan say. Unlucky.

We're going through Sydney Airport,

and going through the airport scanners,

and I go through, and the beeper goes off.

I was, sorry, I think it's my watch, so I took it off,

went through, went back the second time,

and I said, must be my belt, sorry,

I've gone back third time, it's gone off again.

I said, sorry, I think it might be that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But...

I've got to say, I felt for the security guard, because there was 50 of us coming through.

Beep beep beep beep!

We were on tour, in South Africa at the time, someone nicked a buggy,

nicked the keys for the golf buggy out of the hotel, and stoved it into a window.

And I tell you what, as a squad, we were absolutely shitting ourselves,

because Clive, Sir Clive, was absolutely livid.

He sat us down, and said, look guys, you know, this is not on, who done it?

We have video evidence, if you don't own up, I'll show the video.

He showed the video, and it's someone's hand,

all you can see is this hand, going to get the keys and take them away.

It was like Question Of Sport, mystery guest.

I thought, we'll get Daws and he'll figure that out,

but he was too busy doing the cha-cha-cha and cooking some salmon, bless him.

Anyway, I can't give you a name of who stole the keys,

but I can give you an example.

Because his hands looked a little bit like this.

Thanks ever so much, everybody. Good night, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Well done. Well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Cohen, of course, Andi Osho.

He's adorable, isn't he?

When he lifted up his shirt, I was like, just take your clothes off.

Is that weird I said that? We're all thinking it. Especially you, sir.

Just two more acts to go before you will decide who will win this...

Get ready, I would like a sharp intake of breath, it's amazing, the Golden Mic.

Whoo!

Gosh, you're obedient, this will work wonders.

This is lovely, and not light at all.

Next, is heavyweight Tyson Fury.

His record is 17 fights with 12 knockouts.

That's as a boxer, not a stand-up.

Helping him is the very, very funny, with amazing hair, Dan Sloss.

CHEERING

Cool!

Hello.

How are we doing, are we well?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Lovely, you having fun tonight so far, yeah?

We've been watching downstairs, we had a swear jar for when Neil Ruddock was on,

so we've cured poverty, so you can go home, it's all fine, we phoned them, they're all good.

We're full over here. It's good, yeah.

My specialist sports person is Tyson Fury, who is the biggest man since fucking ever.

But he's lovely, he's the nicest man as well.

For someone who punches people in the face for a living, he's very nice.

The one way to describe him is if somebody shaved a bear and then gave it ecstasy.

I feel like I should crowbar in some sports material as well.

I'm not very sporty. I think tennis is a lot like sex,

in that I enjoy watching it but I'm not particularly good at it.

Every year when Wimbledon's on, you get people going, "Oh, my god!

"The noises those women make when they play tennis,

"it makes it sound like they're having sex."

Really? I think you might be doing sex wrong.

If you're having sex with a woman and she's going ooooh, ooooh,

let her go.

OK?

APPLAUSE She is not...

She is not enjoying it!

Stop it, that's the wrong type of backhand, this is going dreadfully.

From my experience, if women were to make the same noises they make during sex while playing tennis,

this is what tennis would sound like.

"Shush!

"You're going to wake my dad up!

"Seriously!

"Are you nearly finished?

"No, not in my hair, right?"

Just the umpire sat there, going, there was no love.

I got Tyson, we went about a week-and-a-half ago,

and we started work together, and basically this is what we got up to.

We're in a caravan park just outside of Manchester.

We're just about to meet Tyson Fury.

I don't know how funny he's going to be.

I developed comedy as a way of getting out of fights,

and I can't imagine this is a problem Tyson ever had.

HE LAUGHS

Jesus!

-How are you doing?

-I'm OK, how are you?

You are huge.

Yes, I am.

He's an absolute monster.

The greatest heavyweight since Muhammad Ali.

I'd like to meet Tyson's friends and brothers

to find out what he's like outside of the ring and the training area.

-How do you reckon he'll handle stand-up?

-He's a funny guy.

-Looking at him makes me laugh.

-LAUGHTER

I'll just give you a little... You be the audience and I'll be the man.

Tell us a story.

Hello everybody, I'm Tyson Fury, I know what you're thinking,

"Yes, he's fucking gorgeous."

SILENCE

Some people say I'm like Brad Pitt, I'm a better version, six foot nine version.

There's a guy there with a haircut like a pair of curtains.

I don't know what you're laughing at with that haircut. When are you getting it finished?

That's all I've got so far.

Don't lay into the audience at the gig!

He's on the right lines, but it has to be funnier,

standing up, comedian in front of 500 people.

Basically what we are doing is, after meeting Tyson, we wrote out

a couple of gags, we sat down and looked at the entire script.

Give it a read through and tell me what you think, what's shit,

-and what's not.

-If I was 100% confident, looking at this

I'm as nervous as anything.

Welcome to the stage, the fantastic Mr Tyson Fury!

THEY CHEER

Hello everybody, I'm Tyson Fury, or as the doctors call me,

fucking hell get this man... Oh, fuck it, sorry.

Even if you trip over your words, just keep going.

Do it like you're not performing it, you're telling your mates.

I need to practise it, run through it like we'll do anyway,

-apart from anything, it's great.

-I just hope the trophy's big enough!

Please welcome to the stage, the fantastic Mr Tyson Fury!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello everybody.

Hello everybody. My name is Tyson Fury,

or as the doctors called me, when I was born,

"Fucking hell, get this woman another epidural."

You know, I was a big lad then, I'm even bigger now.

My wife is probably the only woman in the world who has home epidural kits!

Do you know what, at first I was a bit nervous about doing this,

because it was a while since anyone has laughed in my face.

You know I heard they asked Audley Harrison to come on the show

tonight, but he refused. He said, "Me stand up for three minutes?

"You must be joking!"

I'm so nervous! He's so lovely!

I'm undefeated in 17 pro fights with 12 knockouts...

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

The closest I ever came to losing was, this, check this out.

COMMENTATOR: 'With effort as he unloads...'

Yeah, well, people ask me, what happened there,

and, well, it's simple, really -

I was getting a bit bored of being hit like a lightweight,

and I thought I would show him how a proper heavyweight punches!

It turned out from one hit in the face

to five million hits on YouTube.

After that I was sad, upset and my mates were giving me a bit of stick.

My wife decided to cheer me up, she said,

"Don't beat yourself up about it."

She knows the right thing to say at all the right times.

While I'm away from boxing, I'm a family man...

He's confident, he's walking...

..she's a little princess. The other day we were out shopping,

and...I was picking up chopped liver off the stop shelf,

-a bit like that!

-LAUGHTER

And she says to me, "Daddy, what's that?"

I said, "That, Venezuela, is your first boyfriend when I'm finished with him."

She picks up some mincemeat, "What's this one, Daddy?"

I said, "That's his mate, in case he gets any funny ideas."

That's all ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for having me. Good night.

CHEERING

Brilliant, well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Tyson Fury and Daniel Sloss.

APPLAUSE

Now remember, please, everyone is here getting up on stage,

only for Sport Relief, and the money you raise when you text in

helps people both here and in the poorest countries in the world.

Here's why your help is so badly needed.

When was the last time you had to think about how to get clean water?

Well, for some people here it is a daily struggle

and can have devastating effects.

In remote locations all over Africa, accessing safe water

can be impossible, simply because it is too far to travel.

Here in Uganda, waterborne disease is the main cause of death amongst children.

From seeing places where people get their water, I can start to see why.

This dirty pond is used by around 1,000 people.

I can't believe it,

the thought of having to give my kids this water to drink is just...

..unthinkable, really.

I will never understand how this is that community's

only chance of drinking. I just...

A mum wouldn't do that unless they had no choice.

One family that I met paid the highest price.

This young mum lost her little girl Evelyn yesterday, from diarrhoea.

If you could have got Evelyn to the hospital,

do you think they could have saved her?

Evelyn was 18 months old.

# When will I see you again

# You left with no goodbye

# Not a single word was said

# No final kiss

# To seal any scene

# I had no idea of the state we were in... #

The fact that mums are losing their kids

every single day from preventable diseases like diarrhoea is shocking.

But with your money, we can try to stop tragedies like this happening.

I'm a mum and the most important thing in my life are my boys.

The thought of one of them getting sick, I mean really sick,

and I can't do anything to help them, terrifies me.

Well, mums here are no different.

There is things YOUR money can do to help them.

A water filter and enough purification tablets

to last three months costs just £5.

Your fiver can supply a family like that with a water filter

that can help stop totally preventable diseases.

It is time for our last sports comedy coupling of the night.

CHEERING

Gabby Logan (lovely!) has been a commentator on the BBC,

a gymnast at the Commonwealth Games - can I have an ooh?! -

ALL: Ooh!

and a dancer on Strictly, now she's going to be a stand-up on telly.

Helping her is funny man, Paddy Kielty.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Before we go any further, isn't Claudia doing, a great job?

A round of applause for Claudia.

CHEERING

It's a big year for Sport Relief.

Lots of great shows coming up, all the big stars turning out,

all the big sports stars are in. We've just recorded a special edition of Family Fortunes

with Ryan Giggs and his family, that's right.

Name a member of your family that you haven't shagged!

LAUGHTER

Harry Redknapp has recorded a special edition of One Man And His Dog.

Now we're kicking!

And John Terry and Luis Suarez will be visiting some projects in Africa.

LAUGHTER

It'll be fun!

After that, a great summer of sport, on the BBC.

We've got the European Championships, then Wimbledon, then the Olympics, if you're English.

How many England sports fans have we in tonight?

A cheer from the England sports fans.

SOME CHEERING

Why do you put yourselves through it, eh?

Every year, the Irish, the Welsh, the Scottish, we know,

we choose only to qualify for these things once every ten years.

Because we know the pain. But you England fans,

you fall for it every time.

You're like Charlie Brown, just when the football is taken away at the last minute, every time.

It's a shame, isn't it?

When England are in a big tournament, the whole country, we all get behind them.

When England was in South Africa for the World Cup,

they even got a good luck message from the guys in Camp Bastion. Eh?

Wasn't that great? That puts it in perspective - young men,

thousands of miles from home, stuck in a campaign they know they can't win, and then they get a video

from their troops in Afghanistan.

LAUGHTER

So, are you ready for your final act this evening?

CHEERING

She's ready to go.

But first, here's what happened when I shagged her!

-Hello.

-Gabby, Gabby, Gabby!

Hi.

I'm here to tell you,

finish this hug and run.

'Doing this, some people think it is a bit stupid,'

but I want to help Sport Relief. I'd rather do this, than kayak, swim

the Amazon, or whatever else Helen Skelton has up her sleeve this year.

It's not Wembley, but look at the names -

we have Bill Bailey, Lee Mack, Jimmy Carr, Dara O'Briain...

They all started here.

Before you get to Wembley, you kind of have to play a couple of non-league venues.

This is more scary than playing a bigger venue to me,

-at least they're faceless.

-Yeah.

What I want you to do, I want you to do the walk on.

HE CHEERS

MICROPHONE BUZZES

HE GUFFAWS

-HE CHEERS

-Thank you, Claudia... Shit!

-You've given me a faulty mic stand.

-Do you want me to show you how....?

Show me how to handle a mic stand.

What we need is, yeah, I own this, this,

and you're on. So we need a style.

-I wrote some stuff yesterday.

-You did, and she's typed it.

OK, so let's work on the point...

SHE LAUGHS

All these ideas going through my head, but they have to come out in my voice.

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-An accent would be better.

Then this is what we do.

-I know you want me to do it in Welsh.

-I like that.

Charlotte Church after a few vodkas.

"Gavin, get here right now and service me, all right?"

That's the set! 'She has her own notions and ideas,

'and that's really good.' But there's still a long way to go.

Some of the material he's interested in me using appears to be rude about people

who are well known in the public eye. This could go really wrong!

I might never work in this country wrong.

I feel you believe in me and that is the most important thing.

I have to utilise everything that he's given me,

and hope people laugh, that's the ultimate aim.

I didn't do my Stacey Solomon, did I? I can't believe I didn't do it!

Oh, no, I've got to do it!

Keep your applause going. Our final act in the evening, welcome on stage,

the fabulous Gabby Logan.

RIVERDANCE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

Who would have thought it, hey?

You spend a week trying to be a stand-up with Paddy Kielty,

and all you pick up are some Irish dancing moves.

And crabs!

I'm joking, I am joking, of course I could Irish dance.

I have to tell you, I am so nervous,

I am pooping my pants.

My dressing room floor looks like the inside of David Walliams' wet suit.

LAUGHTER

My stomach is as tight as Tom Daly's Speedos.

-Is it wrong to fancy him?

-LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, how are you this evening?

CHEERING

You are all looking fantastic, and this is for Sport Relief,

I love Sport Relief, I've had such a great week.

My family have been SO supportive about this.

I say supportive, I nearly didn't make it out of the house tonight.

My little girl did that thing that six-year-olds do,

that guilt-inducing thing. Anybody got kids of that age tonight?

-Yes!

-They can turn it on, Claude, can't they?

She looked at me, with her big blue eyes, her bottom lip started going,

her little tear, she said,, "Mummy, where are you going tonight?

"You're always going out. You said you would be with me tonight!"

I said, "Lois," because that's her name, I said, "Lois, tonight,

"Mummy..." - she's a bit smaller than that...

Fucking giant!

"Lois," I said, "Lois, tonight Mummy is going out to work,

"to help the poor starving children of Africa.

"Without me, they will die."

Who feels guilty now!

I am lucky, though, because she is really, really proud of me.

The other day at school she was bragging a bit about a charity event I'd done with Prince Charles,

and her teacher said, "What was it in aid of, Lois?" She said,

"Daddy said it was something to do with upping mummy's profile!"

I do get the odd compliment. You get people in the street saying,

"Sue, I love you on Question of Sport!"

That's when you know you've made it.

You do get recognised and sometimes it can be embarrassing.

I was in a hotel checking in for a football match recently in Cardiff.

The lobby's full of football fans all going to the game.

A few of them recognised me, and this one guy stopped,

and he went, "Gabby Logan!"

so everyone else turned around, because he's drawn attention to me.

He had a little boy with him. He said, "Son, this is Gabby Logan. You remember I used to watch her

"on telly, in Sky in the 1990s. She used to be fucking gorgeous!"

LAUGHTER

Thank you so much. My name is Sue Barker, good night!

CHEERING

She's brilliant! Ladies and gentlemen, Gabby Logan.

-Was it all right?

-You stormed it. No, you stormed it.

So, all our sports stars have made us laugh,

and they have all been very, very brave.

But who made you laugh the most? Remember, they are sports people, they're desperate to win.

They can't help it. It is time for the audience here tonight to vote.

Here's a little reminder of how they did.

He's been taking the piss out of us for ten years, I'm giving him some payback.

I thought he did really well. A couple of fumbles,

but he covered them well.

Once you got the first laugh you grow in confidence.

Remember when you were a lad you put your tongue on a battery?

That's what it tasted like.

He's vulgar and rude, he swears too much, it's a disgrace.

I was asked to do that, I had to say no - that is dry humping.

He did really well. It flowed, it was all there, it was good.

Me stand up for three minutes? You must be joking!

He did brilliantly, I was so proud of him,

-even though he's two years older than me, and twice the size.

-Who feels guilty now?

She did so, so well.

I was like a proud parent watching a kid, it was really good.

OK, the votes are in.

Thank you all so much for coming and voting tonight for Sport Relief.

I can reveal that the winner of Stand Up for Sport Relief 2012

is the magnificent, the hilarious,

the fantastic, Gabby Logan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I feel way more excited than I should.

I know I should say it doesn't matter, we were all great, but no, thank you!

Let's bring out her mentor, Paddy Kielty.

CHEERING

Please give a massive round of applause for all our sports stars

and their mentors, they all did a brilliant job.

Michael Vaughan, Neil Ruddock, Ben Cohen, Gabby Logan, Tyson Fury,

and their comedians, Jason Manford, Andi Osho,

Daniel Sloss, Chris Ramsey and Paddy Kielty.

Thank you so much for watching. Please, please keep texting,

because it's for a brilliant cause. Thank you, good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd