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Yes, Sport Relief, we are back on BBC One, baby! We are still live
from the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park. Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome a true icon of pop. She is more Australian than a beer drenched
barbecue followed by a fight with a shark. Put your hands together for
Kylie Minogue! You going to sing this for me? One,
two, three. # I drew the smile upon my face
# I paved the road that would one day leave me lonely
# No angel's too good to fall from grace
# If she lets go of whatever that keeps her holy
# But I'm still here holding on so tight, to everything I left behind
# I don't care if the world is mine # Cos this is all I know
# When I got my back up against the wall
# Don't need no one to rescue me # Cos I ain't waiting up for no
miracle # Yeah tonight I'm running free
# Into the blue, into the blue # With nothing to lose into the blue
# I'm not ashamed of all my mistakes # Cos through the cold I still kept
the fire burning # These memories I can't erase
# Always reminds me I'm on an endless journey
# But I'm still here holding on so tight
# To everything that I left behind # I don't care if the world is mine
# Cos this is all I know # When I got my back up against the
wall # Don't need no one to rescue me
# Cos I ain't waiting up for no miracle
# Yeah, tonight I'm running free # Into the blue, into the blue
# With nothing to lose into the blue # I'll go where nobody knows
# Wherever the wind is blowing # Even if I'm alone
# When I got my back up against the wall
# Don't need no one to rescue me # Cos I ain't waiting up for no
miracle # Yeah, tonight I'm running free
# Into the blue, into the blue # With nothing to lose into the
blue. # Thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Amazing. Thank you so much, Kylie
Minogue! Kylie Minogue! Oh. Great tune, that. Amazing. Banging tune!
Can't wait to hear that one pumping out at all the nightclubs I go in
Soho. Anyway, right, here is what we have got in store for you for the
rest of the night. Coming up: David Walliams puts Premier League
footballers through their paces in Celebrity Mastermind. Which elegant
British bird is famous for having a long neck? Two servings of Andy
Murray on Mock the Week. Championship point. I could do with
a poo! Live music from Katy B. Four down and one to go as The Clash of
the Titans reaches its finale from the Aquatics Centre.
I know sometimes it feels like we never stop asking you for money. It
might feel that however much you give, nothing ever changes. Well, at
this Children's Hospital in Sierra Leone, things are changing. Right
here, children are being given a vaccine that will protect them
against five killer diseases. Your money help set up this x-ray machine
and now it is paying for the guy who operates it. And you have paid for
training for these amazing nurses. And you have paid for this lab that
provides rapid testing for malaria and other killer diseases so
children can be diagnosed in a fraction of the time that it used to
take. Step by step, little by little, things are getting better
because of YOU. See, it really does make a difference. Right now to
children in this hospital. Of course, we can always do more. So,
if good news is the kind of thing that excites you, this is your
chance to help keep it coming. Please do that. You know the number.
Brilliant. You did all of that. There is more good news out of the
money we raised tonight. We are going to spend ?6 million on
vaccines with the GAVI Alliance, so we can buy vaccines for more than a
million children. APPLAUSE
How do we get tonight's total up further? To donate, go to
bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. Failing that, you can take your money to any bank,
building society or local Post Office. Or you could write a cheque.
A cheque? Really? Do people still do cheques? OK. Write a cheque. Kick
back, stick on the old wireless and write a cheque with your quill and
ink made payable to Sport Relief. Then attach it to the ankle of your
pigeon and off it goes! Or you can call us. Here is the Arsenal manager
with all the relevant information. REPORTER: Thanks for talking to us
from your toilet. How can people donate to Sport Relief? Well, it's
very simple. They can pick up the telephone and dial 03457 910 910.
Standard geographic charges will apply from landlines and also from
mobiles. Great. I'll let you get back to having your wee. I've
actually been having it while I was talking to you. Oh, I didn't realise
that! That's quite a skill, innit? It's not a difficult thing to do. I
often do it in interviews and I think the players at Arsenal will
also do the same thing. It's a French thing, and something we can
teach all the players. It's quite easy to do, really. That number is
03457 910 910. We promise to use your money well. If you want to know
more details, go to bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. Time now for
David Walliams with a very special football edition of Celebrity
Welcome back to this special footballers' edition of Celebrity
Mastermind. At the end of the first round, Scott Parker, whose
specialist subject was Pingu, scored zero points. Michael Dawson chose
The Life and Times of Tottenham Hotspur's Michael Dawson and scored
zero points. Finally, Jack Wilshere, whose specialist subject was The
Plays and Sonnets of William Shakespeare, scored zero points. I
got my name right! You don't get a point for that. So, going into the
general knowledge round, the scores couldn't be closer. It's everything
to play for! Scott Parker, if you would like to make your way to the
chair? This chair? Yes. The Mastermind chair. What's Mastermind?
The show we are doing now. Right. Your time starts now. Complete the
title of the popular television ballroom competition - Strictly
Come... ? Match of the Day. Dancing. The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
was painted by which famous Italian? Mario Balotelli. Which 1982 film
told the life story of the Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi? Bend It Like
Beckham? England and France are separated by which Channel? Sky
Sports One. David Cameron, George Osborne and Boris Johnson were
famously members of which club? I know this one. I have seen them in
there. China Whites. The Bullingdon Club. And at the end of that round,
you have scored zero points. I did better than I expected!
Michael Dawson, please. He's a big boy! Thank you. Your time starts
now. Which elegant British bird is famous for having a long neck? Kiera
Knightley. Which prince is next in line to the throne? Fresh Prince.
The Amazon is famous for being the world's longest what? Website. Which
is the smallest ant in the world? Ant out of Ant and Dec. Celebrity
Big Brother was won by which Blue entertainer? Papa Smurf. Which is
the biggest ocean in the world? Billy. The Pacific. After that
round, Michael, you have a total of zero points. It's a clean sheet!
OK, our final competitor, Jack Wilshere, please. Quick as you can.
Now, Jack, we really need you to get a point. Just one point, OK? Yeah.
Good boy. Had your tea? Yeah. Have you had a wee? Yeah. Great stuff.
Your time starts now. Which yellow fruit is used to make lemonade?
Pass. Lemons. Turkish delight comes from which country? Pass. Turkey!
Which character is played by Daniel Radcliffe in the Harry Potter films?
Pass. Harry Potter! The house of the American President, the White House,
is painted which colour? Pass. WH IT E! In the popular sport football,
which you play, I have started so I will finish, in the popular sport
football, the act of one player kicking the ball to a team-mate is
called a what? You know this, Jack. You DO? You are right. Shoot. Pass!
It's a pass! Which means at the end of today's show, Scott Parker,
Michael Dawson and Jack Wilshere are all on zero points. We did it, joint
top. Yes. That is all for the first and probably last Footballers'
Mastermind. Good night. Wonderful work there. Thank you so
much to Jack Wilshere, Scott Parker and Michael Dawson, who plays for a
pub team! You are all great sports for doing that sketch. Can we say
thank you to the Premier League for supporting Sport Relief Cheryl Cole
introduced a film about one day in a hospital in Uganda. Because it was
before the news, we couldn't tell you the whole story of what happened
on that day. This is a tough watch, but we are only watching it, this is
real life, this is happening and we need to change it.
Every morning at this hospital in eastern Uganda, a steady stream of
desperate parents join the queue with their severely ill children.
Almost all of these kids have moo malaria -- malaria. The problem is I
don't have enough beds. Four-year-old Moses has been brought
in by his dad. He has severe malaria. Sharing the bed with him is
Ben, rushed in by his mother. He's unconscious and he has severe
malaria. In the next bed along, is another boy. He was brought in after
having seizures, caused by severe malaria. The list of victims of this
horrible disease is never ending. John has malaria, Jonah has cerebral
malaria, Paul and Winnie are brother and sister, both of them have
malaria. It's like an epidemic. And this is just an ordinary day in this
hospital. Add midday Mose severe malaria isn't -- Moses isn't
responding to treatment. The rest of the family isn't able to get to the
hospital. His dad is all alone. Desperate for any sort prove guess,
Ben's mother -- sort of progress, Ben's mother hasn't left his side.
It never stops. Another baby is rushed in. Another mother is
helpless as she watches her daughter suffer the effects of malaria.
Outside the queue doesn't stop growing.
At last, for one mother, there's some encouraging news. The
convulsions have stopped. But both the boys in the bed next to him are
still critically ill. As As Moses slips in and out of consciousness,
Ben's kidneys have started to failment We have children -- Fail.
We have children every day coming in with malaria. It makes us sad.
Malaria is a preventible disease. Moses and Ben are fighting the
battle of their lives. At the moment, it's malaria that's winning.
I wish I could say that things turned out OK for Ben and Moses, but
I'm sorry to tell you, since the filming, both little boys have died.
It's heart breaking and the worst thing is their deaths are
preventible. If they had been sleeping under Amos coato net --
under a mosquito net, they may still be alive. It costs ?5. Please call:
03457 910 910. Thank you.
Please help us to buy more moss uito nets. It's the best fiver you will
ever spend. Standard geographic charges from landlines and mobiles
apply. Right, it's time now for Clash of the Titans decider. Let's
go to Clare Balding in the Aquatic Centre. Can John crush Coe? Or will
Seb bash the Bishop? Thank you so much. Welcome back to the Aquatic
Centre and the Olympic pool. What an extraordinary Clash of the Titans
competition we have seen. It started with the elimination cycling with
Freddie Flintoff falling off his bike, remounting and winning the
race. We had synchronised swimming which was extraordinary. Patrick
Kielty and Greg names showing us their best moves. The rhythmic
gymnastics. Who will ever forget the intensity of Seb Coe? The fact that
John Bishop turned himself into an elegant gymnast and the cycling, Amy
Williams so impressive. That time trial ended in a tie. After four
events, this is how the scores look: It is so close. Because in the lead
with 22 points Team Bishop. Ahead of Team Coe, with 21 points. Now that
means just one point translates into one second for the final
edevelopment that will decide -- event, that will decide this
competition. The swimmers are back stage. They are ready. They are
raring to go. Look at this, he looks like Michael Phelps. He's listening
to music. How are you feeling? Pumped up. I just wish I had
something to plug it into. That's a schoolboy error. How have you lined
up the team? It's going to be with Patrick starting, Helen in the
middle and me bringing it home. Finishing? Apparently so. It will
all come down to the captain. Over here we have Team Coe.
Disappointingly Seb Coe yourself not in your trunks. Why not? There's a
good reason for that... I can't really swim. Not stopping anybody
else. Oh, I think it think it is. Selected your team, what are you
going for? Well, look, I mean... The height, the strength, the win span
of Greg. Amy is our secret weapon, head first, quarter of an inch off
the water. Richard who can't hear a thing at this moment. . He never
can. Are you bringing it home then? Yes. I know it's John against I,
it's terrifying. Amy is our strongest swimmer. I'm reliant on
her to gain me some distance so we can win irrespective of how I
perform. Very nervous actually. He told me that earlier. I told him he
should be. If you're watching this at home, if you think these athletes
have done incredible things, that they've laid their bodies on the
line, don't forget to donate. They have the help of two amazing
mentors, who between them have won World Championships, European
Championships, Commonwealth titles as well. Karen Pickering and Mark
Foster. What advice have you given our swimmers? I think the main thing
is to try and relax. As silly as it sounds, the more tense you are in
the pool, the harder it gets. Try to relax. Don't forget to breathe,
that's quite key. And 50 metres is quite a long way. When you stand at
the end of the pool and you look down, it is quite a long way. Maybe
don't go out too quick. In terms of technique, any tips? That hit the
nail on the head, the first few strokes, I don't mean easy as in not
trying, but relax, they'll feel the water. Other-wise they get in there
and they'll spin. They'll tighten up. By the time they get halfway,
they will be hurting. I've seen it before, they get to halfway, look up
and go, oh, dear. Who do you think will win? I think, I fancy John
Bishop on the anchor leg against Richard Bacon. It's battle of the
mouths, but I am going for John. He's a fit man. The ones to watch
are the chicks, the girls are probably the strongest swimmers. Amy
against Helen is a really interesting battle. Amy, an athlete,
she will be tough. Helen has done some amazing challenges. We have
know she's pretty gritty. Team Bishop have a second advantage. That
might be enough to make the difference. Ladies and gentleman,
here we go with our final swimming relay. Let us bring out our
swimmers. For Team Bishop, it's Patrick, John
and Helen. For Team Coe, Greg, Richard and Amy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Obviously, they are the ones doing
all the hard work. They will be ably supported by their team meats who
are here, Freddie Flintoff, nursing an injury, you took a hell a fall.
I'm really clumsy. You are so tough, rock hard. I'm not really. On the
surface, maybe. Ol -- Olly has a bigger scar. It was great to do
that. Sally you overcame your fears? No, I was scared all the way
through. I just got through it. I didn't fall off. That was a big
success and a personal best. That was great. For someone who doesn't
do any exercise at all, that was a bit a win. And a final word for Team
Coe from their captain. We've just got to bring the bacon home.
You win the corn. Here we go. This will decide who are the Clash of the
Titans champions. . This is it. The whole night comes
down to this, the glory moment for one of these teams.
Lord Coe is watching on the side. The last time we were here, it was
Michael Phelps winning his 18th Olympic Gold Medal. Surelily tonight
it's much bet -- surely tonight, it's much better, much bigger, the
decider. Well that's an interesting start
from Patrick Kielty. Just like Michael Phelps did for team USA,
he's leading out. It looks like an early lead for Greg James. He's
taller. Really using the height very well. Looking up ape bit. Starting
to get -- up a bit. He's starting to get a bit tired. This is a good
swim. Recently stripped off to his swimsuit to present Radio 1's
breakfast show. Raised ?10,000 for doing that. Look at this lead, a
very good start. Greg James hands over to Amy Williams, MBE. I'm
reliably told that the women are the fast effort swimmers in this race.
Amy has gone off like a shot. So Patrick Kielty has handed over to
Helen Skelton. She's got some work to do. She's
about 15 metres behind Amy Williams. The incredibly versatile Amy
Williams, Gold Medallist in the Skelton from Vancouver. It looks
like maybe Helen is catching up. She has a lot to do here. Lovely, long,
economic stroke. What a great swim this is. The final leg now, don't go
too early Richard Bacon. He's in for Lord Coe. 50 metres to go. Still
going is Helen Skelton. She's been to the South Pole, aye yakked the
Amazon, and a -- kayaked the Amazon and a bit of work to do here. And
John has a lot of work to do to catch up Richard Bacon. Good work
from Bacon. This is very good indeed. Whoever touches the wall
first is going to be the Clash of the Titans champion for 2014. Oh,
and this is absolutely brilliant. The Clash of the Titans champions
title is Lord Coe's team, team blue! Richard Bacon brings it home. What a
brilliant swim. John Bishop, a gallant effort, but had a lot of
work to do. So Lord Coe absolutely delighted.
Saluting his gladiators. Here's the lead-off Greg James, what a great
swim from him. Amy Williams, well, the fastest, they put her in the
middle, interesting, very interesting tactics. What a great
day, what a fantastic event. Scenes of celebration here for Team
Coe. Who trailed the competition but came home in the swimming relay to
take the title. It was set up by Greg James. What a fabulous first
leg. I was so bad at swimming at school. All the dreams of come --
have come true, timely, I can switch. You took the advice of Mark
and shone out there. Amy, sensational. I gave it my all. Mark
was like, don't go out too quick, keep the arms slow. Yeah, took on
the tips. It was fun, it was great. Everyone did such a good job.
Richard you said you want aid half length lead and you got it. I did.
You feel a certain pressure because Amy did so well, to lose from that
position would have been mortgagifying. Due pan --
Mortifying. , a lovely mouthful of water and had a mild panic attack.
John, that was a race too far. You've put up such an heroic effort,
your back flip was impressive. We should have got a bonus point for
that. Really it's not about winners or losers, we're all winners. It's
about the kids and the charity. That's what it's about. He took this
so seriously. I saw another side to John Bishop today. A reaction from
the winning captain, Seb Coe. He stood back and let the others take
the glory in the swimming relay. He selected the strongest swimmers...
Oh, no! Don't leave him out there too long. He said he can't really
swim. Hopefully the tracksuit will help him float. How inspirational a
leader has that man in the pool been? He's amazing. He's been
fantastic. Just to be in his company for the last two days has been
incredible and everyone deserves this. It's been brilliant. Like John
said, it's for everyone else. We've had a great time doing Clash of the
Titans. It's been immense. I've loved every minute. Elation for the
winners and huge congratulations as well from the runners up. I think we
may be here for some time. Join us again, because we have very special
guests to make the presentation of the trophies to our winners and to
our runners up. Congratulations to Team Coe. We will get an interview
with him later. Huge congratulations to Team Coe.
That looked like fantastic work. We will be back in a few minutes to see
Olly Murs giving him life to life. They will be here later to chat to
Fearne and Gary. Also, coming up later is another chance to see that
brilliant Only Fools and Horses special starring David Beckham. Now,
everyone taking part in tonight's show is doing it because they want
to make a difference. They are hoping that if you enjoyed the
entertaining parts of the night, you will watch the tougher films and
make a donation. We are incredibly grateful for what you can afford.
Here is David Tennant. This is the Children's Hospital in
Freetown in West Africa. A little boy called Alusine has been brought
in by his grandmother. As the hospital staff try to
stabilise him, Alusine's grandma can only look on. Since his Mum died in
childbirth, she's spent every day by his side. Suddenly, there is a
problem with the oxygen machine. Intensive care is full, so there is
no choice but to stay in this ward and continue sharing oxygen. It is a
desperate time for Alusine's grandma. One week ago, she was in
this same ward with his twin brother. He sadly passed away.
If you started tonight thinking maybe you might give some money, if
the funny bits are funny enough, if the sad bits are sad enough, you
might. Well, I'm telling you, this is it. This is the saddest, this is
all we've got. Cards on the table. I can't think of anything sadder.
Please don't tell me you don't care. Anything you can give would be
amazing. Thank you. If he had a ?5 vaccine, Alusine
might still be alive today. We know you care. You have proved that year
after year. Please, would you be just so kind one more time? 03457
910 910. Here is Katy B with her beautiful song, Crying For No
Reason. Katy has asked that you call to donate whilst she is singing.
# I push all my problems to the back of my mind
# Then they surface in my dreams # They come alive
# I sweep all my issues to somewhere I can't find
# And hope that I'll forget but there's just so many times
# Why can't I be strong and just confront all my fears?
# When the fear is hurting then I'm being insincere
# But how many more days can I hide # How many years?
# Emotions flooding then I was all seeming so clear
# Crying for no reason # Feel the tears roll down
# I felt strong but am I breaking now?
# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep
# I made promises I could not keep # Cos I never faced all the pain I
caused # Now the pain is hitting me full
force # I push all my problems to the back
of my brain # The darkness deep inside where I
just can't find my way # How can I walk with a smile
# Get on with my day? # When I deceive myself pretending
it's all OK # I try my best to hold it all
together, I know # The strings have worn away and now
I'm all exposed # I try and hide it all the way on
top of the shelf # I can lie to everyone but not to
myself # Crying for no reason
# Feel the tears roll down # I felt strong but am I breaking
now? # Crying for no reason cos I buried
it deep # I made promises I could not keep
# Cos I never faced all the pain I caused
# Now the pain is hitting me full force
# Forgive me now cos I said that I'll be there for you
# Care for you, I let you down # I walked away cos there were
things I couldn't say to you # Say to you, I'm breaking now
# I burned some bridges down # There must be some way out
# The voices speak so loud # Will you forgive me now?
# I burned some bridges down # There must be some way out
# The voices speak so loud # Will you forgive me now?
# Crying for no reason # Feel the tears roll down
# I felt strong but am I breaking now?
# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep
# I made promises I could not keep # But I never faced all the pain I
caused # Now the pain is hitting me full
force. # Thank you.
A massive thank you to the wonderful Katy B. Now, Ryman Stationery have
been selling these Sport Relief pens. His arms go, isn't that great?
He loves the pens. Robert Dyas have been selling these Sport Relief
torch keyrings. Sorry. Oh yeah. These cost ?1! That is bloody good
value. The ?1 goes straight to Sport Relief. That is brilliant. I know.
You love it. The whole ?1 goes to Sport Relief. It doesn't work,
that's why! He is joking. Which one of these is the most sporty? We sent
football legend - you say his name... David Ginola. Off to find
out. They work. Yes! You are late, where have you been? This way.
Come on! You have a race to win. Quick, quick. What is going on here?
Down and up. Now we are talking. More! On your mark, set, GO! Come
on, yes! Fantastic! Well done! You did it! These two aren't the only
ones getting active for Sport Relief. Rymans and Robert Dyas shop
teams have been raising cash in the most wonderful of ways.
There you have it. A draw. A huge thank you to everyone who bought one
of these pens, or one of these keyrings. Let's find out how much
Ryman and Robert Dyas staff and customers have raised. Let's see the
total. Wow! Congratulations. Amazing. Yeah.
All for some pens. Well done, everyone. Time for something very
special from Mock the Week. It is a very special edition of the episode.
There it is. It has a woman on the panel! No, that is a joke. No, it is
a special edition because it has one of the biggest sportsmen on the
planet, ladies and gentlemen. Here is Mock the Week with Andy Murray.
Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Mock The Week for Sport
Relief. This round is called Between The Lines, and in it we feature
Wimbledon hero and sporting legend Andy Murray delivering a speech as
if at a press conference, and Hugh will tell us what he really means.
The role of Andy Murray will be played by Andy Murray tonight. Take
it away. Good evening, everyone. I can't tell you how desperate I was
to be part of tonight's events. It was either this or another knock-up
with Ivan Lendl and my mum. I hope that by joining in tonight I'll be
able to show you the real me behind the public image.
LAUGHTER Sport Relief is a really worthwhile
cause that I'm proud to be part of. It's a bit of a pain, innit? Tennis
has enabled me to achieve things I could never have dreamt of. Have you
seen my girlfriend? Eh? This is a great era for British tennis. This
is a great era for Scottish tennis. I love playing in front of Wimbledon
crowds and thank them for their support. Stop shouting "Come on,
Tim!", for God's sake. I'm very proud to have done something that no
Scotsman has ever achieved before. I'm very proud to be the first
Scotsman to eat a banana on national television. I really can't thank my
mum Judy enough. Since forgetting to give my mum a hug... After winning
Wimbledon, she really can't remind me of it enough. I hope my success
will inspire a new generation of British tennis stars to come forward
and challenge for titles. But not yet. Give me a few years, you
bustards! It was great to finally win Wimbledon, and the next thing is
to knuckle down and go on to win even more. Job done. Party! At the
end of that round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Hugh
Dennis and Andy Murray! APPLAUSE
Brilliant. There will be more from Andy Murray and Mock the Week later
on. Time to head over to the Aquatics Centre for Clash of the
Titans victory ceremony. Thank you so much. Welcome back. Here in the
Aquatics Centre, we have seen a thrilling climax to The Clash of the
Titans. It has been a wonderful contest. We have seen wonderful
rhythmic gymnastics, John Bishop so elegant, Freddie Flintoff crashing
off his bike and getting back on, Amy Williams, a natural sportswoman
showing she could have been a cyclist, too. Sally Phillips, with a
hoop nobody else could touch her. It's not over yet. Here, we have
assembled to make the presentation to give the medals and the trophy,
the finest ever collection of British winter Olympians and
Paralympians, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Team GB. Winning our
first medal on snow, Jenny Jones who took bronze in the snowboard slope
style, our gold medallist in skeleton, Lizzy Yarnold, the most
successful ever winter Paralympian for Great Britain, Jade Etherington
and Caroline Powell, Eve Muirhead and her bronze medal curlers, Dave
Murdoch and his silver medal curlers. What a line-up of Olympians
and Paralympians. Let's grab a word with Jenny. How many enquiries have
you had from children wanting to take up snowboarding? Loads. My
local d slope is booked out till April with children having snowboard
lessons, which is awesome. That is why you do it, to win the medals, to
be successful and to inspire others. Lizzy, you said right, I'm going to
get out there in the schools, I will start talking to kids about sport.
You have already started? It all kicked off today. I had my Victory
Parade. We fit in three our four schools and I have hundreds to see
over the next year. I can't wait. Jade, your feet have hardly touched
the ground? It's been crazy. My phone crashed when I was out there,
so I didn't realise all the support we have had and it is brilliant to
be back and overwhelming and thanks for the support. Look at all those
medals. Sensational stuff, guys. I know how much you will want to thank
the crowd for the support they have given you through the Games and how
much they want to thank you. Our winter Olympians and Paralympians.
Now it's time for the medal presentation. While our Paralympians
and Olympians get ready to present the medals, please welcome the
runners up, in the Clash of the Titans, it's Team Bishop.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Please step up to the podium and
prepare to receive your medals. The medals are being brought over by
our winter Olympians Jenny Jones, eve Muirhead and her curlers. The
bronze medallists from Sochi. A mutual appreciation between these
groups of athletes. Cow really feel -- you could really feel they knew
what it took today to push your body to the limits. Yeah, they do. They
appreciate what we put in and we appreciate what they've done. This
is a better medal that Seb's going to get. U seem to have stolen a
medal there. I never stole it! I just couldn't get over to Sochi, so
I would have won it any way, if I would have gone. Of your team? Very
proud. They've done well. The effort that they've put in, and all for a
fantastic cause, it's been brilliant. Most of all, thanks to
all of you at home and everyone who came and made the atmosphere what
it's been. APPLAUSE
I think you've found some real guts and determination and natural
sportsmen and women today. Definitely. We have natural
athletes. This has not been like a normal sporting event. It's been
like a Sportsday at Downton Abbey. You have the Lord and all his people
and we're the people who work and live downstairs. You are the ones
who shall rise and conquer in the end. One day, when the revolution
comes. You'll be there. Right now you're the losers. Let's move over
and let the winners come in. Thank you so much, Team Bishop, ladies and
let's go over to the secondary podium. Time now, ladies and
gentleman, to congrape late the winners of Clash of the Titans. Led
by a man who knows what it's like to win Olympic gold medals and bring
the Olympics to London, please welcome Team Coe.
Seb Coe, Richard Bacon, Amy Williams, Saffy Philips, Greg James
-- Sally Philips, Greg James and Olly Murs. Guys, time to take your
moment of glory, if you want to make your way over here to receive your
medals. There is a trophy as well. It's lovely to see the warmth of
your feeling. But now, your moment. Please take to the stage. Team Coe,
Clash of the Titans champions will be presented with their medals by
Lizzie Yarnold, Dave Murdoch, and his Silver Medal-winning curlers.
APPLAUSE what a moment for them. Seb Coe is
stealing Lizzie's Gold Medal. He will also receive the medal that
he'll be Loued to keep, his -- allowed to keep, his Sport Relief
medal. Make sure he gets that as well. Don't leave that one behind.
Lizzie, can I just grab that. He'll give you your Gold Medal back. You
need to put that on. That's what you have won. Would you like to remind
everybody why you actually have all done this today. We've done this for
an extraordinary effort tonight and I hope there are millions of young
people that are going to benefit from everything that has been
achieved and the extraordinary support tonight and if you're still
there watching, dig deep, it's really important.
APPLAUSE Just a word on your highlights from
this competition, was it being thrown into the pool by John? Or
your extraordinary rhythmic gymnastics with the ribbon? I think
it was all down to my jumps. Ribbons. We've seen a new Seb Coe.
He has led his team to triumph in the Clash of the Titans. It seems
only appropriate that Britain's most successful ever Paralympian should
present this trophy, please welcome Jade Etherngton and Caroline Powell.
APPLAUSE This is the moment, give it up for
Team Coe! they'll be joined by Team Bishop!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE They've put in a huge amount of
effort. Can you see the excitement. John is still with it. Still friends
on the podium exchanging training tips, wondering how they could do
better next time. Done a full lap of the pool, he still has the energy to
do that. That means he didn't swim hard enough. He's gone, with the
trophy. Finally, thank you to everybody here in the Aquatic Centre
and the velodrome as well. You've been a great support. It's back.
Back with the trophy. Put it in the hands in which it belongs. Thank you
for watching. Goodbye. Good night. APPLAUSE
It's been a great night at the Aquatic Centre and the velodrome and
captain Seb Coe, John Bishop and members of their teams will join us
later. As a mother, I would do anything for my child, that's the
same for mothers all over the world. And no different for the mother that
David Tennant meets in this next film.
Two months ago Sento tested positive for HIV.
The effect its had on her body has been brutal. She's lost the strength
in her arms and legs. And her muscles are knotted in pain. Only
regular massages can help ease her zoment. Discomfort. -- discomfort.
Can you tell me when you started getting sick, what happened?
Giving up is not an option. Because she's not alone. She has her son. He
never explains about the long walk to fetch water. He doesn't moan if
his mum asks him to massage her aching legs.
And he tries not to notice if she gets upset. He would do anything for
his mum. But the one thing he can't do is make her better. Before your
mum got sick, what did you used to do together? Was she better than
you? Or did you win? I won. You won, right. Do you worry about your mum?
There's a ran that her condition has deteriorated so rapidly and it comes
down to the simplest of things. Poverty. She actually has the
medications she needs to get stronger, but she can't take it. The
medication is incredibly strong and has to be taken with food. And the
food she has she gives to her son. She can go a whole day without
taking any medicine. But there is hope. And it's thanks
to money raised by you. Care and support are available, which means
that she stands a much better chance of getting stronger. And her son can
start to experience a childhood and get an education. This is your
chance to help people you will never meet, but who desperately need you.
There's a project right here helping people living with HIV to be as well
as they can, for as long as they can. So that kids like this don't
end up orphans any sooner than they have to. Please help. 03457 910 910.
Thank you. If you're sitting there thinking,
how can I help? Let me tell you how. Call 03457 910 910. Now, nobody turn
over, nobody go to bed, nobody move a muscle. We have something very
special at the end of the show. Take a look at this: It's yours truly,
one manager here. He's been one of our biggest supporters. Now before
we start, I just want to put you at your ease, I'm not here to make you
look stupid. I do that myself. He's been willing to put himself in
tricky positions. Tell me is your little boy putting sentences
together? He's saying bits and pieces, yeah. What about Brooklyn.
We've Senior him get cosy with Smithy. -- We've seen him getting
cosy with Smithy. Stop it, you silly Billy. Tonight, Beckham is in
Peckham. If I asked you to go into the High Street wearing a sarong
would you? Well... APPLAUSE
That's right, Only Fools and Horses with David Beckham will be coming up
at the end of the show. Don't you dare go to bed. Actually, the only
people that are allowed to go to bed are those who have to get up early
in the morning, long distance lorry drivers or nurses. You need your
sleep. I will announce what time people can go to bed over the
evening according to their profession. . I love the Bake Off so
much. Mary Berry is a legend. Agreed. Mary Berry, you can go to
bed. The work you do is vital. Leave the hot water bottle out on my side
of the bed, if you want me to wake you up when I get home. That's a
joke! I do not... I do. Every night. Course hands, but a wonderful lover.
Shouldn't have said that. Never met the woman. OK, no more words from
you. Sit down. Here are the best bits of baking from the Sport Relief
Bakoff. On your marks, get set...BAKE! # And
we danced all night to the best song ever... We'd like to apologise for
what we have done to your cakes. It's an elephant. And they look real
whoppers, don't they? Oh, God! Yes, you've got nice whoppers there. I
think you look slightly too glamorous. That's what I want.
SOPRANO OPERA SINGING Right, now I'm putting them in the oven. I've
slightly burnt it. Have you killed Mary Berry? I don't like that, I
love. It I'm really proud. They've put their minds to it. They enjoyed
every minute. They've done extremely well. I'm proud of them. Bake Off!
I love the Bake Off as well. It's not the only show I love. I have an
idea of how to combine it with my favourite show. Here it is, Baking
Bad. Me Paul Hollywood in a camper van in the desert, cooking up my
speciality, Eton Madge. Terrible joke. Great British Bake Off has
raised... Well done, Mary and Paul. We should
say thanks to all the other TV shows that have been so supportive. A huge
thanks to Blue Peter - yes! Songs of Praise. Only Connect, Pointless,
Famous, Rich Hungry, Sport Relief Does Glee Club and my favourite,
Sport Relief's Top Dog. That was amazing. The best thing I have ever
seen. Right. I have something very important to say. We are going to
make it easier for you to give some cash tonight. All you need is a
mobile phone. Have you got one? Good. Text, baby, you and me. Do you
want to change the world with a simple text message? Of course you
do! Here is how. You can choose to donate ?5 or ?10 - text "FIVE" or
text "TEN" to 70510. All of your donation will go to Sport Relief.
You must be 16 or over. Please ask the bill payer's permission. For
more information, go to bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. A ?5 message
can save someone's life. Think how easily you could waste ?5. That
pasty at the train station, that final pint at the end of the night
when you know you don't need it, or four VIP tickets with full-back
stage access to a Blue concert! You can waste ?5 very easily, alright?
It is very easy to waste ?5. You can spend it on a cab journey that you
could walk or on Jayne McDonald's autobiography. My point is this: Why
not change someone's life with a simple text. If you have some money
left over, you can then buy the book! Send the text message first.
That is my point. Anyway, Claudia, hit me up with some details! Thank
you. You - or you may want to give ?10. Yes, yes. Text "TEN" to the
same number - 70510. Here is Andy Murray. You can donate by phone if
you want. You can go online, that is really easy. You can always take a
cheque to bank or building society, or Post Office. Or you can text, it
is really easy. Text "FIVE" or text "TEN" - what was it? Either text
"FIVE" or text "TEN" to 70510. I'm very excited about it.
So, to reiterate, some of you might have been drinking - Mary, get to
bed - text "FIVE" or text "TEN" to 70510. I love you, really! It is
time to say another - I can't speak - it is time to say another big
thank you. Cravendale has been getting all active for Sport Relief
with the staff fund-raising like mad. You customers have been
guzzling the special bottles of milk with a 1p donation from every one
you have bought going straight to Sport Relief. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Now, take a look at this. Got any lemonade? If you want. Milk?
Urgh! It is what Ian Rush drinks. Ian Rush? Yes, Ian Rush! Cravendale
are donating 1p from the special bottles of milk to Sport Relief.
That is amazing. Exactly. Give me some. Get off!
Let's find out what the brilliant people at Cravendale have raised.
Here we go. Go on, Cravendale. Oh! Wow! Cravendale, Cravendale,
Cravendale. Quite the cash cow! Earlier this month, the owner of 63
international caps and scorer of a record-breaking 260 Premier League
goals, England footballing legend, Alan Shearer OBE and Robbie Savage
took on their own Sport Relief Challenge. Let's have a look at how
they got on in the Battle of the Backsides. We are here at Wembley.
We are about to try and sit on 45,000 seats, myself and Robbie.
When you get asked to do the challenge, you think that will be
easy. When you see the number of seats, it is horrendous, mentally
and physically. I didn't think it would be as hard
as that. When's the next break? It is hard on the hips and hard on my
hands. Before the last break, I was 12 seats ahead. I think he's more. I
expect him to be a few ahead. Not looking forward to tomorrow one bit.
It will be hard. Oh! Horrendous. We are stiff. We are
sore. I had to roll out of bed this morning. I couldn't tie my shoelaces
up. It is a great view. It will be better on Friday night when we've
finished. Seat after seat after seat. Everything is hurting at the
moment. How easy can that be? How are you? Delighted to see you, it
gives us another rest! Felt bad yesterday. I feel worse today. I
felt like giving up today. Raising money made me carry on. It's
hurting! There we go, 22,500. Halfway. I wish I could say it is
all downhill! Today, we are going to try and set a Guinness World Record.
When people talk about the magic of Wembley, you won't be able to join
in with that. We think we are in pain here. We are not, really, are
we? Worth every single seat for the money we are going to raise. Halfway
through the final day, another 3,000 seats to go. The end is in sight.
Come on. Are you OK? Fab! APPLAUSE
Well done, pal! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
a true Sport Relief hero and Welsh footballing legend, Mr Robbie
Savage. Alan has not been able to make it
tonight. First question, after all of that, how is the backside? Alan
is at home! We have some stats here... It took five days, you sat
on 45,000 seats each. 15 seats a minute. You burnt off 12 ,516
calories. You look great. I know(!) It was hard. Pre-season training for
21 years, but that was the hardest week of our lives. It doesn't look
hard. When you say to people, it was just sitting down. Alan lost four
marathons in calories and 10lb. Amazing. We want to let everyone
know at home you can still enter the Battle of the Backsides competition
to support the boys and win incredible prizes, like a trip to
Brazil to see England play in the World Cup. Or tickets to Wimbledon
Centre Court. Entries cost ?5. You must be over 18 and the competition
closes at midday tomorrow. Full terms and conditions are on
bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. Make sure you are on the BBC website! Robbie, do
you want to find out how much you and Alan raised? Yes, please. Let's
have the Battle of the Backsides total, please.
Congratulations. Amazing. Thank you. Well done. Incredible. What an
amazing effort. We would like to give a massive thank you to Wembley
Stadium, Five Live and the FA for all of their help with this
challenge, but a massive thank you mainly to Alan Shearer and even more
so, because he is here and Alan isn't, Robbie Savage. What an
amazing achievement. Well done. Well done. Now, I promise you that lives
are being changed. That's because of the donations you have made. Here is
a film about a girl whose life has definitely been changed. She's
called Eunice. This is a quarry in Nairobi. It's no
place for children, but every day children come here to work alongside
their mothers, as it is the only way for the families to earn enough
money to survive. It was here that I met a little girl called Anne, who
works here with her Mum. Do you hurt? Your hands? Yes. What things
make you happy? The evening. That's because it's the
only time that she's not here in the quarry doing this desperate work.
Meeting Anne did remind me of a little girl that broke my heart 15
years ago. She was called Eunice. She was making breakfast in the
slums and every night she went to sleep fearing that her home was
going to get bulldozed. She lived in fear constantly. That night, they
came when we are sleeping and started beating us. They demolished
our house. When you go to sleep at night here, are you frightened? Are
you afraid? Of course, yes. Eunice, what would it mean to you to have
your own piece of land? I could be very happy. That's exactly what
happened. Your money went to work and Eunice and her family moved into
a new home away from the dangers of the slum. In that house, she was
able to do her homework, and eventually made it to university.
YOU changed her life. I always remembered Eunice as clear as day.
My kids know Eunice. My husband knows Eunice. She's part of us. I'm
not leaving this country without seeing her. Hey, Eunice!
I can't imagine I'm seeing you. Oh God! You look exactly the same. You,
too. I never thought I could recognise you.
How old are you now? I'm turning 26. Oh my God! I met you 15 years ago.
Yes. For sure. You need someone to give you this period, to show you
that there is a better life. And that's you. That's where I am. Oh
God, I'm happy. What are you doing? Actually, what you did to me really
turned my life. I grew up a girl with high spirit. Knowing that one
day life will change. It is not going to remain like this. I decided
to do a home but not any home, I decided to do a home for kids with
special needs. Did you? I did that. You have become such a strong,
independent young woman. It's so far away from the little girl that I
met. I'm proud. Because of what you planted in me, that seed has grown
and girls need help. Girls need help for real. Yeah. To empower one
another, so at least we can go far. Like you have. Yeah, yeah, sure.
It's all because of you. It's not. It's because of you. Younis' life
was transformed because of the money you gave. But there are other girls
out there, just like Ann, that desperately need your help. Let's do
it again tonight, please, give what you can. 03457 910 910.
APPLAUSE There are lots of Younises, they
need your support, give ?5 or ?10, text the word five or ten to 70510.
For full terms please visit bbc.co.uk Sport Relief. Thank you.
It's been an amazing evening. Thank you so much to everyone who has
given already much it's time to look at what the total currently stands
at. Ready? The total so far tonight is...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much for donating.
Thank you so much. Well done everyone. Thank you. We are off now.
Gary Lineker and Fearne Cotton are here next. Before that, it's time...
She's very excited. Part two of Andy Murray on Mock the Week.
Welcome to a special edition of mock the reel for Sport Relief. This
round it called Scenes we'd tlieck see. So, the topic of this round is
Unlikely Things For Andy Murray To Think. No-one will miss these
towels, will they? I wish Rafael Nadal would stop picking his shorts
out of his cars, cos I'm going to have to shake his hand in a minute.
It's championship point... I could really do with a poo. Well, at least
now I've won Wimbledon they'll stop making fun of me on television. Oi,
Tim! Look what I've just won! Wahey! I must remember to keep talking in
the Scottish accent. It's very hard when you live in Surrey. BAD
SCOTTISH ACCENT: I remember when I used to train... What is that?! He's
in the room! So. BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: I remember when I used to...
..train in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthier. I used to serve
with a potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards.
Five sets. That should be enough underwear. I wonder if my mum's
watching today? Of course she is. She's always watching. I could break
his serve... ..or I could break his legs. When are Athena going to make
a poster of ME scratching my cars? # In between games I get free orange
squash # Free orange squash Free orange squash... # This ball's not
as bouncy as it should be. I'll go to the doctor after the tournament.
They say I'm now the poster boy for Scottish sport, taking over from
David Coulthard. But David Coulthard only got the job because his head
was the same shape as a poster. I wonder if Kim really likes tennis?
Well, I've never noticed before just how... Beautiful and smooth... Rafa
Nadal's skin is. I wish Kim would shut up. "Oh, Ed Byrne, he's so
funny!" Thank you for watching Mock The Week
For Sport Relief. Please keep watching and most importantly,
please keep donating. Have a wonderful night, and our thanks
again to Andy Murray for coming on the show.
Chat of the Titans. Ladies and gentleman, it's chat of the Titans.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the final part
of Sport Relief 2014. We're still live from the copper box arena.
There we are. You're still here. I was trying to go home. That's
brilliant. It's great to be still here and wow 45 million. An
incredible amount of money so far. What about Clash of the Titans, who
enjoyed that? CHEERING
So good. We are going to be chatting to John and Seb and their teams in a
moment. I will never be able to get the sight of Seb Coe in a skin tight
gymnastics outfit out of my mind ever, ever. Apparently behind closed
doors that's how he won us the Olympics. I thought so. What about
Grimmy doing rhythmic gymnastics. So good. That is a typical Friday night
for Grimmy. Every Friday, that's what he does. Let's look at what's
coming up in our part of the show, or as we're calling it, the Chat of
the Titans. Coming up: Stars from the Clash of the Titans join us live
in the studio. A look behind-the-scenes of the England
World Cup video. # Greatest day of our lives #
Some football managers with jokes. I'm having trouble spelling
armageddon, oh, well it's not the end of the word. And Only Fools and
Horses. If I asked you to go into the High Street wearing a sarong,
would you? Well... APPLAUSE
All that is still to come. Stay watching please to the end of the
show, when you get another chance to see Only Fools and Horses, with
David Beckham. Fearne, I started the show, what, six hours ago now? A
while ago. It's been a long day. You put your feet up, because this part
of the show will be more relaxed, a bit different. It is going to be
chilled. Half of the money you donate tonight will be spent right
here in the UK, don't forget. You need to remember that. We spend it
right here. Here's Martin Shaw. ? I want to talk to you about
post-traumatic stress disorder and introduce a very brave man who has
agreed to tell us his story. One of the things I didn't know about this
illness is that it can take years to strike. So, you go through a trauma,
you think you're fine. Then years later, your world falls to pieces.
It's terrifying for you and for the people who love you.
I knew quite early on that Tanya was special and that I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with her. We have two beautiful boys and I love
my family to pieces. There's nothing I won't do for them. We both had
good jobs, got a house, a mortgage. Something just snapped. In 1992,
Paul joined the Army catering corps and at just 19 years old, he was
sent out to Bosnia. We were coming across completely abandoned and
blown apart villages. We were finding corporations, pulling bodies
out of the river. It was horrible. In 1999, Paul left the Army. He got
married, started a family and settled into life back at home. Ten
years down-the-line, the effects of what Paul had witnessed as a young
soldier changed his life forever. I was having flashbacks and anxiety
attacks. Every time I stepped out of my front door, I thought I was going
to die. I thought I was going to come across corporations. I was
going to have that smell all the time. So I'd be sick. I'd be
throwing up. I'd run away. I'd run back in and slam the door. I
couldn't do it. Paul became so traumatised, he left his job and
didn't leave his house for nine months. I had to film Thomas' first
Christmas play, because Paul couldn't cope with the crowds. When
a child is looking into the crowd and trying to find their parents,
they see me, but they didn't see daddy. I wasn't a husband or a
father at all, during that time. I thought I was worthless. I didn't
see the point in me being involved as part of the family. He told me
that he had planned to commit suicide. You always think that if I
had picked it up earlier, we may not have gone through half of what we've
gone through. Sorry. Paul's wife contacted Combat Stress, a project
supported by Sport Relief that offers care and treatment to
veterans of the British armed forces. Paul was diagnosed with
severe, complex post-traumatic stress. Daryl is one of the mental
health nurse who's helps veterans through a terrifying time. The Paul
you see now is so far removed from the Paul that we saw walking through
those gates two-and-a-half years before. I haven't, thankfully, for
about 18 months been on any medication. I'm back in fulltime
employment. He's amazing. He has worked so hards. That's why -- hard.
That's why he is where he is. I have bad days, but I know how to control
them. He's not afraid any more. He's not having panic attacks and the
boys have got their dad back. Come on, Thomas.
Now being able to go out and kick a ball around with my boys and my
wife, I feel happy about life again. For veterans like Paul, the battle
doesn't end when they come home, but tonight, you can help them and the
families. Without Combat Stress, I would not be here. And I can't thank
them enough. Please call: 03457 910 910. Thank
you. A completely heart breaking, but
massively heart warming film. Your money does so many amazing things.
If you're thinking, well, how can I help? Let me tell you how. Text the
word five or ten to 70510 to give five or ten pounds. Give what you
can. Here's a reminder of how to give o ?10 from Gareth Southgate.
Where are you? Yes, well, you know, I turned up to see the match today
and I think I might have got the kick-off time wrong or the date
wrong, the ground... It's completely empty. But yeah Sport Relief, it's
the details are behind me. Someone's graffitied it onto the stand. It's
not something you want to see in the modern game, but it's very helpful.
Basically text ten to 70510. Texts cost ?10. ?10 of that goes to Sport
Relief, which I think is 100% of that. You must be 16 or over and
check with the bill bayer to see that you get their permission. For
more information go to bbc.co.uk/Sport Relief. I should
have gone online to check the time and date of this match really.
APPLAUSE Thanks to Alistair McGowan there. We
are going to meet our first guests now from the Clash of the Titans.
The two captains, John Bishop and Seb Coe. Let's remind ourselves...
No they'll remind us, they're right here. Let's not keep them waiting.
Welcome John Bishop and Seb Coe! Good to see you. Hello. Nice to meet
you. How are you doing? I'm doing alright. Take a seat. Hi, chaps. How
you doing? We are doing alright, actually. Lord Coe, congratulations,
the winning team tonight? Thank you. Feeling good about it? We are all
winners. Technically not! I have a free tracksuit! That shows the
difference in the two teams. I'm wearing the clothes I've got for
nothing! So would I if you hadn't thrown me in the pool! Fair result?
I think it was probably reflective of the fact that Lord Coe has
influence! There were certain races, you can't argue with a race and I
apologise for my performance in the cycling. I need to correct that. It
cost you, didn't it? It probably did. I needed to do 1,000 laps!
However, when it came to rhythmic gymnastics, I think we all know
where the passion lay. Really? We all know where the scores should
have been. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. I thought,
Seb, you had such elegance and grace? We can take a look at it. I
thought so. Impressive. Can we see that moment? Beautiful! Such grace.
Yes. Yes. Look at that, that says swan! As soon as you see that, you
think, there's a swan! With a ribbon! Let's throw some bread at
it! Let's have a look back at YOUR gymnastics face, John. Have a little
look at this. It is like you are sucking a toffee! Some of it in me
mouth as well! That is probably why Seb is a peer of the realm and you
are not! It might be that. You know what? That's a working man's use of
a ribbon. That's what it is like when you use a ribbon and you have
never done it before. Let's be fair, it is not HIS first go. Every Friday
night. Friday night is ribbon night? Yes. The Lycra - it was a nice look,
was it chaffing? Comfortable? That's a bit too much information! Sorry.
We can take that on if you like? I have a rash I didn't have this
morning! That's got nothing to do with the Lycra! No. You have done
some things for Sport Relief? Exactly. You have to think of the
bigger picture. Have they got pictures on you? Definitely. They
must have. Without a doubt. Did you enjoy tonight? It was very, very
good fun tonight. Really good fun. Rhythmic gymnastics is very
difficult. Yes. Ask Gabby. Yes. She was great with the hoop. That was
her sport. The thing is, it was good fun, it was great fun for us, but I
hope it was good entertainment for people at home and it drew people
into the show so that they were watching and getting the messages on
the back of it. I think so. It is all going swimmingly well. Sinkingly
well! It must have brought back great memories. It is home. For us,
it is the Olympic Village. For him, it is like, "I built that!" It is
like his own Lego garden. With a bit of help. Not everyone got a
knighthood! It all finished in such a beautiful way... Deal with it!
They are having a domestic. Flintoff ended it so beautifully pushing you
both in the pull, which was more of a scary moment for you, Seb... It
was quite a scary moment. I wasn't really joking about my swimming
inability. There was my - my daughter thought I'm going to have
to jump in. That reflected the union that existed between the two teams.
None of the blue team went in to save him. We can see that moment.
They all moved out of the way. That is his stroke! That was so
good. I was hoping somebody might have come in there. No-one was
there. You do know pushing a Lord into a pool is technically treason?
Particularly a Lord that looks like a swan! You can't offend the Queen
anymore, can you? I was once described as the Nuryev of the
track! With or without ribbons? Thank you so much. You did such an
amazing job. It was beyond entertaining. Thank you.
APPLAUSE There is something you would like to
introduce, John? Yeah, I got involved with Sport Relief a couple
of years ago. As many people know, I went to Sierra Leone two years ago.
It was a visit that changed my view of the world, really. Sport Relief
is able to provide opportunities for people in so many ways, but it can
also change lives by doing something quite simple, like providing people
with the opportunity to have a vaccine.
This Children's Hospital is the only one in the whole of Sierra Leone.
This country has one of the worst child mortality rates in the world
for preventible illnesses like diarrhoea and pneumonia and this
hospital is on the frontline of a very unfair fight. This is the first
point of call for the parents with some of the sickest children. As you
can see, there's some desperate kids. You can hardly imagine what it
feels like to sit and to know that some of the children in here are
possibly not going to make it. It is heartbreaking to see.
It's 9.00am and already, for two families today, the worst has
happened. What you are looking at is the body of a child that came in
last night with diarrhoea, a three-year-old boy. They arrived at
the hospital at 3.00am and was dead at 5.00am. With severe diarrhoea. It
is important to not have your heart ripped out because there's no
parents who can imagine what it is like to lose a child, and to lose it
to something that could be prevented. This woman is here with
her daughter. She has severe pneumonia. She spent every minute of
the last 72 hours praying that her child won't end up the same way.
This is a scary place to be for any parent. I've got three boys in
England - big boys. I've never been scared that they won't survive.
Sometimes hope is all there is. One in five children in Sierra Leone
don't make it to the age of five. Across the way, another child has
become a terrible statistic. This may happen here every day, but
the grief is always unbearable. I can't imagine what it must feel like
to come... To come and have to take your child home to bury them. Less
than 24 hours after you have brought them here. That's how severe this
is. That's how close we are to death and every single child has died for
a preventible disease. So, please give what you can.
I haven't seen that film for two years, since it went out. Sometimes
when I'm watching it, it felt like it was someone else. I remember what
it smelt like to be there and what it sounded like and there were
moments there that, in all honesty, we didn't put on the film. There was
a mother who lost a child whilst we were there and the noise that left
her body was the sound I'll never forget. Nobody should lose a child
for something that we can all prevent. YOU can make a difference.
WE can do all of this and we can all have a laugh and we can all watch
some telly for a few hours. But tonight you have the power to change
lives and you have the power to give kids a chance who, right now,
haven't got one. And I know it is hard for everybody, and I know
sometimes it feels like we are always asking you to give, but I'm
asking you for the next hour, get your phones out and to text - if you
can text "FIVE" or text "TEN" to 70510, you will be giving ?5 or ?10.
You won't be giving money, you will be giving hope and you will be
giving life. And you will be giving people a chance where there isn't
one. I can't tell you how it feels when you are in those places - and
we have been there. You don't have to go there to change lives. You
just have to get your phone out. It's that simple. Thanks for all you
have done so far and all you are going to do in the future. God
bless. Thank you very much, John. Texts will cost your donation plus
the standard message charge. For full-times, go to
bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. -- full terms, go to bbc.co.uk/sportrelief.
Watching that, being a new mum as well, I find... It does. I think
when you have children, we were talking before about our own kids,
it's a measure of your own life and it's heartbreaking to lose them
under any circumstances. But to lose them for the sake of a price of a
cappuccino. It is wrong. Yes. Thank you. Right, together, as a team, we
can change things. We can make a difference. And we really are here
all the way from LA with magic, it is cold play.
# Call it magic # Call it true
# I call it magic # When I'm with you
# And I just got broken # Broken into two
# Still I call it magic # When I'm next to you
# And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't
# No, I don't it's true # I don't, no I don't
# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you
# I don't, no I don't # No I don't, no I don't
# No, I don't it's true # I don't, no I don't
# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you
# Call it magic # Cut me into two
# And with all your magic # I disappear from view
# And I can't get over # Can't get over you
# Still I call it magic # Such a precious jewel
# And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't
# No, I don't, it's true # I don't, no I don't
# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you
# I don't, no I don't # No I don't, no I don't
# No, I don't, it's true # I don't, no I don't
# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you
# Want to fall, fall so far # I want to fall, fall so hard
# And I call it magic # And I call it true
# I call it magic # And if you were to ask me
# After all that we've been through # Still believe in magic?
# Yes, I do # Of course I do.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you, thank you, thank you the
amazing Coldplay. Not only for that performance, but for their generous,
wait for it, ?260,000 donation to Jo Wiley and the radio around the world
challenge. Incredible. APPLAUSE
Unbelievably generous. I've been here all night and we've seen some
fantastic stuff. Tonight is just the beginning of the Sport Relief
weekend. Here's what's coming up on Sunday.
Join us on Sunday at 1. 15 on BBC One for the Sport Relief game show.
We'll be live from Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park for the sportiest day
of Sport Relief ever. Across the country, thousands of you will be
either cycling, swimming or just dog a mile, however you can. We will
bring you all the action, as well as celebrities taking on Olympic-sized
challenges in funny costumes. Get your trainers on, test your bike
bell and blow up those rubber wings. Don't miss the Sport Relief fun and
games. Sorry, mate, bit of a trouble with a astonishingle.
-- with a astonishingel. -- snorkel. Tune in on Sunday for the fun and
games. There's still time to sign up for the Sport Relief games. Details
on your screen now. Don't miss out. Time for our next guest, please
welcome from Seb's victorious team, Greg James, Sally Philips and
Richard bacon. Hello, welcome Team Bishop, Patrick
Kielty and Helen Skelton. He still has the hat on.?
APPLAUSE That's cute. Hi guys. How are you?
Sit on each others' laps maybe. I'll sit up here. It's like a school
photo. It's lovely. Richard, let's start with you. You brought it home
for your team tonight. Thank you so much. That must have felt so good.
It did feel good. It was terrifying having that position, at the end,
because it felt as though the result slightly depended on me not entirely
messing the entire thing up. Half the way down the final lap, I took a
massive mouthful of water, I couldn't breathe properly. I thought
I might have stop. I thought, wow, I'll be on BBC One, and looking like
a child who couldn't complete their 25-metre badge and we will lose
because of me. That did not happen. But let's have a look.
How hairy are you? Unbelievable. I am furious for the BBC for not
telling me there would be an underwater camera You could have had
a little wax or something. I know that now! There needs to be a
sponsored waxing of your arm pits. Let's do it right now.
Bring out the wax. That's not happening. Greg, you had a scuffle
with Flynn. -- Flynn toff. -- Flintoff and came out better. He's
such a beast. He's going to hunt you down. Is not my sport. I can do
danty dancing -- dainty dancing in the water, I can't do beastly
cycling. That's not for me. Shall we see that moment? Ol your myrrhs led
them over the line. Look at this from Freddie Flintoff. That's so
good. He clipped a few bikes. He was keen to do that from the start,
though. He was a bit kamikaze. I think you'll find, he won.
I've cycled with Freddie on a number of occasions, and a lot of people
that me coming last was a disappointment. It wasn't. I was
just getting out of his way. I knew what was coming. I want to talk
about a moment in the pool. #1y50 there's many -- There's many
moments. There's a kicking of the leg moment. Was it choreographed or
fighting for your life? The outfit suited you. I would have
got my bikini line done if they had come in that close!
nice mixture of both. Be honest, anyone who has ever weed in
got my bikini line done if they had come in that close! Did you stuff
some socks down there? How very dare you! Greg, you were in most of the
events there, the only one you weren't was an all female event. You
are no stranger to dressing up as a lady. I'm not sure if your
team-mates have seen this. Here is Greg in action. OK. This is so good.
What was this? A huge YouTube hit. The shame is, you can't unwatch
that. That's gone into your head now. It doesn't get any easier to
watch it, ever. I can do that. I can do stupid synchro swimming. It was
the swimming relay and the other one that I thought no. You have all done
brilliantly. We are so happy and thankful for what you did tonight.
That hat, slightly... It is distracting. He is breaking into
song. It was amazing to perform in the
Olympic venues. If it's raised loads of money, then it's job done. And
let's be honest, Greg, we will never be allowed to do it again. Joo-Ho
we've been banned. Thank you so much to both teams. Tonight we've seen
people take on challenges for Sport Relief, but the real stars of
tonight have been you, and all the many brilliant things that you've
done to raise millions of pounds for Sport Relief.
Here's just some of the many ways you've been pulling out all the
stops for Sport Relief 2014. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you so much to all of you out there. You've been amazing and we're
so grateful for our fundraising total. What an amazing total. This
is ease -- this has easily been the biggest and best Sport Relief ever.
You can own some of the best bits forever, if you like. Here's an
exclusive look behind-the-scenes at Sport Relief's greatest day.
We're here to shoot the sketch that will start the World Cup song for
England this summer. We're here for Sport Relief doing a little sketch,
basically taking the make out of England and Gary. Is there going to
be a song really? Yeah, yeah. Gary, what do you know about making a
song? It's the video shoot today. We've shot part one of this sketch
in Manchester, a few weeks ago. The day has arrived to record the actual
song. This is Elliott, who's Gary Barlow's
musical director. He's going to look after us all today. I'm the natural
person to organise a song, get it together like this and lead. It I'm
football's equivalent of Bob Geldof. # Today this could be... #
# Today this could be the greatest day of our lives. #
That's it. Done, great. Brilliant. Nice and quiet. And...
# Today this could be the greatest... We will get all the
footballers down, and the rest of the artists down and record the
charity single shots. # And the world comes alive
# And the world... Being the best singer out of the footballers as
well, there's probably a few deaf ears out there, that's all I can
say. I thought you sounded pretty good Gary. Do you think? Bit of a
tenor. It's been brilliant. Just meeting
everyone and everyone being here and getting into the spirit of the World
Cup. Amazing characters, perfect day. Bless you. It's been a day to
remember. Brilliant. Guaranteed hit. APPLAUSE
What a voice. I am the world's worst singer. You can download the video
if you want, as well as a brilliant Only Fools and Horses package, which
you should, and loads of other goodies by going to iTunes, by
buying them you will give money to Sport Relief. Coming up: It's
another chance to see the full Only Fools and Horses sketch. But now,
time for a quick thank you to all the brilliant radio station that's
have supported Sport Relief this year. Thanks to the whole of BBC
Radio for radio around the world, a special thanks to Radio 1's Grimmy,
who did 12 hours on a bike and covered 1210 miles with the team.
Also radio's two Jo wiley, who did 26 hours on a tread mill.
Incredible. We thought they were all going, but they just won't leave! We
shall chat some more. We now have evidence of Paddy's package. Want to
see it? I was born with it. I have a reasonable idea what it is. Now it
is on your head! Let's check out and see his package!
All bought and paid for! That is so great. We all cheered! That is the
biggest thing to come out of Belfast since the Titanic! Helen, let's talk
about your gymnastic routine. There was a slight error at the end and
you hit the ball out of the way with your backside? I did a forward roll
on the advice of Nick Grimshaw. The ball hit me on the backside and
rolled away. I pretended it was still there. Let's see the moment.
That was quite an accomplishment. We should have got extra points for
that. Amazing. You can now go home and recover and rest and celebrate.
Give it up for our two magnificent teams.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE John and Lord Coe, thank you. Lift
it. Do it! Now, Radio 1's very own Grimmy got to go to Kenya this year
to see how your money helped so many people out there. Have a look. In
Kenya, and across the poorest parts of the world, pneumonia and
diarrhoea are leading causes of death in the under fives. When a
child gets sick here, it can be really serious and it can happen
really quickly. This doctor is starting his shift in
the acute paediatric ward where the sickest children in the hospital
teeter between life and death. Already today, a little boy lost his
fight. There are now four critically ill
children on the ward. Two of them have pneumonia and diarrhoea. Both
are conditions that can be prevented.
Emmanuel and his Mum have been in the ward even longer.
The doctor is concerned that Emmanuel's condition is not
improving. Emmanuel's heart has stopped. He's
no longer breathing. The doctor fights to bring him back.
Now, Hannah is in trouble. Dr David is worried her lungs are collapsing.
For the second time in a few hours, he fights to save a life. Hannah's
mother can barely watch. As night falls, Dr David has got his
patients through another day. Tomorrow, the fight starts over
again. If you have got a phone, you can
change someone's life. You can donate ?5 or ?10. Text "FIVE" or
text "TEN" to 70510. Thank you. Texts will cost your donation plus
the standard message charge. All of your donation will go to Sport
Relief. Ask the bill payer's permission. For more information, go
to bbc.co.uk/sportrelief. Now, being a football manager is one of the
most stressful jobs you can do, sometimes you just need to relax and
have a bit of a laugh. Here's some doing just that.
A teacher at a Southampton school asked her class who supported
Southampton Football Club. They all raised their hands, except one young
lad. The teacher said to him, "Who do you support?" He said, "I support
Portsmouth because my mum and dad are Portsmouth supporters." The
teacher said, "If your mum and dad were morons would be you be a
moron?" "No, I would be a Southampton fan!" What do you call a
sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic! Did you hear about that
movie, Constipation? It never came out! What is brown and sits in the
forest? Winnie's poo! The kids have threw up all over the place this
morning, I told them, I put ginger in the curry. They love that cat!
I didn't believe them when they said my dad was stealing from his job as
a roadworker. When I got home all the signs were there. Two monkeys in
a bar. One says, "Put some more cold in!" What team does a pirate
support? Ah-senal! Got it? Why would Cinderella not be good at football?
Because she runs away from the ball! One day I met a fairy, she said she
would grant me one wish. I said I want to live forever. She said, I'm
sorry, I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine, I said, I
want to die when Scunthorpe United win the Premiership. The fairy said,
"You crafty sod!" I want to introduce some yoga here, I said to
the boys, "How flexible are you?" They said they can't do Tuesdays!
Why did the lobster get thrown out of the pub? It is giving all that!
Wayne Rooney has asked for a transfer. David Moyes has asked him
to put it in writing. That's the end of that one then! What do you call a
elephant that doesn't matter. An irrelevant! I have written a song
about a tortila. It's a bit of a wrap! APPLAUSE I'm having trouble
spelling Armageddon! It's not the end of the world!
Hilarious. Thanks to all the managers for doing that. You were
brilliant sports. Not brilliant comics! Coming up soon is another
chance to see Only Fools and Horses. Before that, it is time to say
another thank you and this time, Ricky Hatton is on hand to help us
out with a spot of DIY. I'm putting the finishing touches to a special
thing I have put together for all the people from SSE and all their
fantastic customers. They have all been doing an amazing job raising a
shed-load of money for Sport Relief, so have a quick look at this while I
get finished up. The staff have been pulling out all the stops by
dressing up, getting active and raising bucket-loads of cash for
Sport Relief. They have been doing sponsored boxer size, three-legged
races and a special relay carrying a Sport Relief cup the length of the
UK. Back already? Come on, I'm not done yet. Go on, off you go! The
general public have also been doing their bit. They have signed up to a
number of different schemes, with a ?2 donation being made to Sport
Relief. So well done to the customers, we can't thank you
enough. That's me all done. There is only one thing left for me to say to
all the staff and the wonderful customers, thank you so much.
Great stuff. Thank you so much. Let's find out what the SSE staff
and customers have raised. Let's have a look at that total.
That is phenomenal. You have been so generous tonight. Thank you so, so
very much. Here's one last chance to see David Tennant. If you haven't
text, please do so now. This is the only children's hospital
in the whole of Sierra Leone. I've come here to meet Margaret, who
works for a project, funded by Sport Relief. So this is the emergency
room? This is the emergency room. This is where we have patients
coming in, who are very sick. He was admitted on Monday with severe
malaria and anaemia. Ease on oxygen, is he? He is, but we are very short.
The children have to share? Yes, we do. Hello? Hi. Have they had a
diagnosis for her yet? OK, it's pneumonia. Right. These two. Who
have we got here? What's wrong? Do you see pneumonia more than anything
else at the moment? Yeah. Diseases like pneumonia could be prevented
with a simple vaccine that can cost as little as ?5 much a little bite
called Alusine -- little boy called Alusine is brought in by his
grandmother. The nursing staff are immediately concerned.
The pneumonia is causing his lungs to fill with fluid. He's struggling
to breathe. He needs oxygen urgently.
As the hospital staff try to stabilise him, Alusine's grandma can
only look on. Since his mum died in child birth, she's spent every day
by his side. Suddenly, there's a problem with the oxygen machine. The
main problem is the oxygen are not enough. There are four, five
connections, this child is not getting anything. The child need
oxygen. We have to move the child to ICU. But intensive care is full. So
there's no choice but to stay in this ward and continue sharing
oxygen. It's a desperate time for Alusine's grandma. Just a week ago
she was in this same ward with his twin brother. He sadly passed away.
It's hard. Because you're a parent, you're a grandparent yourself.
Something like this, you know, it just, it's too upsetting. Too
upsetting. His fighting spirit has touched the hearts of the nurses
here, but now they're becoming increasingly concerned. Whenever I
see them suffering from a disease that can be prevented, it pains me,
it hurts me. Because I know if earlier they come, it would have
been prevented. They would not come to this stage. I am praying that he
will recover, but the condition is not good.
I just pray that nothing happens to him. There's this connection between
me and him. As soon as I go near him, he knows that I'm there. I just
hope that he gets better. I'm really sorry to tell you this but Alusine
didn't make it. That's tragic. But what makes it worse is that it's not
a one-off. Between the time that I'm standing here and the time that you
end up watching this, it's likely that hundreds of children will have
lost their lives from condition that's can be totally prevented.
This can't be a normal thing. Children dying can't be normal.
Their lives are not disposable. So please, if you've ever even
considered giving on a night like this, please, do it now. Anything
you give has the power to do something incredible. I promise you,
we'll keep trying to stop this. The number is: 03457 910 910. Thank you.
To give either ?5 or ?10 text the word five or ten to 70510. Texts
cost your donation plus the standard message charge. For full terms visit
bbc.co.uk/Sport Relief. Now, it's time for what everyone
agrees, I think, is the biggest thing on Sport Relief. We've
certainly left the best till last. Is it time for Only Fools and
Horses. No, no, not quite yet. It's time for the technical and mobile
partner thank you. Bear with. Impressive.
Thank you. We are nearing the end of Sport Relief at the Copper Box
arena. This place will be a sports centre tomorrow morning. Has a
Saddam what class -- Davina has a zumba class at 8am. And I have
jazzercise. We know how you love that. We have been raising money for
around six hours and there's masses of fundraising money coming in. But
we can have a look at what we have got so far. Sport Relief's grand
total for tonight is... A massive amount.
APPLAUSE What an incredible total! That is
mind blowing. That is incredible. You are so extraordinarily generous.
Thank you so much. What an amount! That is nearly it for tonight. Thank
you all so much for that incredible amount of money. And for watching.
Yet, thank you for donating. Your money will do so many incredible
things for amazing people. Feel really good for yourselves. Thank
you so much. Good luck if you're taking part in the Sport Relief
Games on Sunday. Tune in to the Sport Relief Games show at 1. 15pm
Sunday afternoon. As a special treat for all of you who have stayed up,
it's time to go over to Peckham for Beckham in Only Fools and Horses.
Bye. Bye-bye. Snment # Stick a pony in me pocket
# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
# Cos if you want the best... # All right, come on, then!
Gather round, everybody! Gather round here! Come along, I am not
contagious. Listen, I've got a very special offer for you today. This is
a once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-repeated offer in
top-of-the-range men's fashion. I have here authentic David Beckham
underpants. Now, listen, before you rush in and tear me limb from limb,
and just to give you a better idea of what we're talking about, I have
got my younger brother Rodney to model a pair for you. Rodney! Look
at that. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it, eh? These are 100%
man-made cotton and they're fully elasticated. And as you can see,
they've got a very handy button-up fly in case you're taken short. You
know what I mean, don't you? Right. But just to show you what makes
these very special, Rodney, turn around, if you please. Come on,
don't be shy! Come on! Right! Here is the speciality. Da-da! Yes, each
one of these has been personally signed by none other than
Goldenballs himself. No, this is true, straight up. Because it just
so happens that Becks is a personal friend of mine. Isn't he, Rodney?
I'm going to kill you. He's a card, isn't he, eh? No, you see, he owed
me a favour because it was me what arranged the bouncy castle for his
son Brookside's 12th birthday party. You see... No, this is absolutely
true, straight up! Now come on, this is a special offer, you won't see
this again. They normally retail at ?10 but I'm knocking them out for
you, ?4.50. Come on, ?4.50. Tell you what - two for ?9. Two for ?9.
Any...? Come on. Let's clear up and get out of here, get down the caff,
have a bacon sarnie, eh? You better take those off, you look like a
right dipstick. MUSIC: "Waterloo Sunset" by the
Kinks. That is the last time, Del. And I
mean it this time. What are you moaning about now? That is the last
time I let you talk me into degrading myself all for the sake of
one of your little schemes. Look, Rodney, these are hard times. We've
all got to make little sacrifices here and there. All right, then. If
we've all got to make sacrifices, next time you can wear them. Don't
be stupid! I've got a reputation to uphold. And did you at any moment
think about MY reputation? Yes, I did. And that's why you're wearing
them. You know, I honestly thought you'd changed. But no, you're just
the same old Del, ploughing through life without the slightest
consideration for anyone else's feelings. That hurts, Rodney. That
really hurts. You just tell me one time, just one, when I have ignored
you or hurt your feelings. And don't go on about that painting
competition. Or the Peckham Pouncer. Or the time I turned the knob up on
the sunbed and made your face go red. All right, then. What about
when I was 11, and you and your mates was bored so you asked me to
play hide and seek and I hid in that big chest thing you'd bought. Oh,
yeah! That was a good place to hide. Nobody thought of looking in there,
did they? No. And you all sodded off down the pub in the end, didn't you?
Do you remember that? Yeah, well, we got fed up looking for you, didn't
we? Four and a half hours, I was in that thing. Well...you took the game
too seriously. We'd all finished playing by then. No-one thought to
tell me, though, did they? No, because we didn't know where you was
hiding! There was a dodgy lock on that thing. Well, how was I supposed
to know that?! You fitted it! Oh, did I? I thought I was going to
suffocate. Then why didn't you bang on the lid? Or shout, or something?
Because then you would have known where I was hiding! All right,
Rodney, look. I'm sorry that you got locked in that chest. But we've got
more important matters to focus on, eh? Like the fact that we are
currently lumbered with 200 pairs of men's pants that some git has
scribbled over. What you looking at me for? You asked me to sign them.
And if I asked you to go out into the high street wearing a sarong,
would you? Well... It's all right, David, he's not blaming you. Are
you, Del. Yes. All right, he is blaming you. I just don't know what
the world is coming to. Really, I don't. Here I am, an
ex-multi-millionaire... "Ex" being the operative word there. And I've
got you, with two GCEs, and a footballing legend who makes Boycie
look like a pauper, and we can't flog a pair of pants between us!
Boxer-briefs. What? They're boxer-briefs. What are? The pants!
Well, that's what I said. What is he on about? I'm just glad that we're
not in that Dragons' Den, because God knows what Alec Sugar would have
made of all this. It was your idea to have Rodney model them. Oh, so
it's my fault now, is it? Look, I didn't want to wear the stupid
bloody things in the first place. Oh, shut up, you tart. You know,
he's got a point there, Rodney. You could have shown a bit more
enthusiasm. It's always been your problem, that has. In case you two
hadn't noticed, I am not an underwear model. I am a middle-aged
fly-pitcher who drives a three-wheel van, and above all else, I do not
look like that. It's just any old excuse with you, though, isn't it,
eh? Anyway, I only suggested you do it because he wouldn't. But Del, I
can't go walking around in public in just my underwear. The last time I
did that, Fergie almost killed me. Anyway, why are you wearing them
glasses? These? Yeah. To be honest, I thought that, you know, if I was
to wear these, no-one would recognise me, and I could be a
little bit, you know...incognitive. Yeah. Good thinking. Rodders, have
you really got two GCEs? Yeah. I've got one in maths and one in art. I
love art. Yeah, it's good, innit? Who's your favourite artist? That's
a tough one. Er, I'd probably have to say Matisse, because I don't
think anyone could get near the way he could convey intensity through
the use of pure colour, you know? I mean, Matisse did for colour what
Picasso did for form. How about you? I love Tony Hart. That Morph cracks
me up. Are you two all done? Oh, yeah. OK, can we get back to our
problem? Now, I think, at the end of the day, we're going to have to
accept that we are in a classic case of bouchee a la Rene, as they say in
the Alsack. Why don't you get Damien to model them? He's young. Rodney,
do you really expect me to ask my son to go and stand in the market
out there looking like a slab of meat while people gawp at him? I
mean, that kind of humiliation could scar him for the rest of his life.
You're already scarred, so one more wouldn't hurt, you see. What about
Trigger? Hmm? Oh, leave it out. Asking Trigger for help's like
asking Ozzy Osbourne to look after your bats. I'm sorry, Rodney, but
you are stuck with the pants. Cosmic. You see, Rodney, most people
think modelling is all about standing there looking great. But it
isn't! Actually, it is, but there's more to it than that. Ah, now,
listen, Rodney. This is the horse's mouth speaking. Just remember - a
good model doesn't just walk... He glides. A good model doesn't just
turn... They oscillate. Glides. Yeah. Oscillates. Exactly. Right,
come on, gather round, everybody! Get closer, come on, darling. Look
at this. Look at the attention to detail here. Look at the
craftsmanship. You don't get that care and love in underpants these
days, do you? Derek... Hmm? I am going to kill you. Are you David
Beckham? I am! But don't tell anyone. I don't want to draw any
attention to myself, all right? OK. Good boy.
What a plonker! # We got some half-price cracked ice
# And miles and miles of carpet tiles...
All right, come on, let's clear out of here.
# ..Ball games, gold chains # Whatsernames and then I'll push
# Trevor Francis tracksuits # From a mush in Shepherd's Bush