Part 3 Sport Relief

Part 3

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Part 3. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!



Yes, Sport Relief, we are back on BBC One, baby! We are still live


from the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park. Ladies and gentlemen, please


welcome a true icon of pop. She is more Australian than a beer drenched


barbecue followed by a fight with a shark. Put your hands together for


Kylie Minogue! You going to sing this for me? One,


two, three. # I drew the smile upon my face


# I paved the road that would one day leave me lonely


# No angel's too good to fall from grace


# If she lets go of whatever that keeps her holy


# But I'm still here holding on so tight, to everything I left behind


# I don't care if the world is mine # Cos this is all I know


# When I got my back up against the wall


# Don't need no one to rescue me # Cos I ain't waiting up for no


miracle # Yeah tonight I'm running free


# Into the blue, into the blue # With nothing to lose into the blue


# I'm not ashamed of all my mistakes # Cos through the cold I still kept


the fire burning # These memories I can't erase


# Always reminds me I'm on an endless journey


# But I'm still here holding on so tight


# To everything that I left behind # I don't care if the world is mine


# Cos this is all I know # When I got my back up against the


wall # Don't need no one to rescue me


# Cos I ain't waiting up for no miracle


# Yeah, tonight I'm running free # Into the blue, into the blue


# With nothing to lose into the blue # I'll go where nobody knows


# Wherever the wind is blowing # Even if I'm alone


# When I got my back up against the wall


# Don't need no one to rescue me # Cos I ain't waiting up for no


miracle # Yeah, tonight I'm running free


# Into the blue, into the blue # With nothing to lose into the


blue. # Thank you very much.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Amazing. Thank you so much, Kylie


Minogue! Kylie Minogue! Oh. Great tune, that. Amazing. Banging tune!


Can't wait to hear that one pumping out at all the nightclubs I go in


Soho. Anyway, right, here is what we have got in store for you for the


rest of the night. Coming up: David Walliams puts Premier League


footballers through their paces in Celebrity Mastermind. Which elegant


British bird is famous for having a long neck? Two servings of Andy


Murray on Mock the Week. Championship point. I could do with


a poo! Live music from Katy B. Four down and one to go as The Clash of


the Titans reaches its finale from the Aquatics Centre.


I know sometimes it feels like we never stop asking you for money. It


might feel that however much you give, nothing ever changes. Well, at


this Children's Hospital in Sierra Leone, things are changing. Right


here, children are being given a vaccine that will protect them


against five killer diseases. Your money help set up this x-ray machine


and now it is paying for the guy who operates it. And you have paid for


training for these amazing nurses. And you have paid for this lab that


provides rapid testing for malaria and other killer diseases so


children can be diagnosed in a fraction of the time that it used to


take. Step by step, little by little, things are getting better


because of YOU. See, it really does make a difference. Right now to


children in this hospital. Of course, we can always do more. So,


if good news is the kind of thing that excites you, this is your


chance to help keep it coming. Please do that. You know the number.


Brilliant. You did all of that. There is more good news out of the


money we raised tonight. We are going to spend ?6 million on


vaccines with the GAVI Alliance, so we can buy vaccines for more than a


million children. APPLAUSE


How do we get tonight's total up further? To donate, go to

:07:26.:07:30. Failing that, you can take your money to any bank,


building society or local Post Office. Or you could write a cheque.


A cheque? Really? Do people still do cheques? OK. Write a cheque. Kick


back, stick on the old wireless and write a cheque with your quill and


ink made payable to Sport Relief. Then attach it to the ankle of your


pigeon and off it goes! Or you can call us. Here is the Arsenal manager


with all the relevant information. REPORTER: Thanks for talking to us


from your toilet. How can people donate to Sport Relief? Well, it's


very simple. They can pick up the telephone and dial 03457 910 910.


Standard geographic charges will apply from landlines and also from


mobiles. Great. I'll let you get back to having your wee. I've


actually been having it while I was talking to you. Oh, I didn't realise


that! That's quite a skill, innit? It's not a difficult thing to do. I


often do it in interviews and I think the players at Arsenal will


also do the same thing. It's a French thing, and something we can


teach all the players. It's quite easy to do, really. That number is


03457 910 910. We promise to use your money well. If you want to know


more details, go to Time now for


David Walliams with a very special football edition of Celebrity


Mastermind. APPLAUSE


Welcome back to this special footballers' edition of Celebrity


Mastermind. At the end of the first round, Scott Parker, whose


specialist subject was Pingu, scored zero points. Michael Dawson chose


The Life and Times of Tottenham Hotspur's Michael Dawson and scored


zero points. Finally, Jack Wilshere, whose specialist subject was The


Plays and Sonnets of William Shakespeare, scored zero points. I


got my name right! You don't get a point for that. So, going into the


general knowledge round, the scores couldn't be closer. It's everything


to play for! Scott Parker, if you would like to make your way to the


chair? This chair? Yes. The Mastermind chair. What's Mastermind?


The show we are doing now. Right. Your time starts now. Complete the


title of the popular television ballroom competition - Strictly


Come... ? Match of the Day. Dancing. The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel


was painted by which famous Italian? Mario Balotelli. Which 1982 film


told the life story of the Indian leader Mahatma Gandhi? Bend It Like


Beckham? England and France are separated by which Channel? Sky


Sports One. David Cameron, George Osborne and Boris Johnson were


famously members of which club? I know this one. I have seen them in


there. China Whites. The Bullingdon Club. And at the end of that round,


you have scored zero points. I did better than I expected!


Michael Dawson, please. He's a big boy! Thank you. Your time starts


now. Which elegant British bird is famous for having a long neck? Kiera


Knightley. Which prince is next in line to the throne? Fresh Prince.


The Amazon is famous for being the world's longest what? Website. Which


is the smallest ant in the world? Ant out of Ant and Dec. Celebrity


Big Brother was won by which Blue entertainer? Papa Smurf. Which is


the biggest ocean in the world? Billy. The Pacific. After that


round, Michael, you have a total of zero points. It's a clean sheet!


OK, our final competitor, Jack Wilshere, please. Quick as you can.


Now, Jack, we really need you to get a point. Just one point, OK? Yeah.


Good boy. Had your tea? Yeah. Have you had a wee? Yeah. Great stuff.


Your time starts now. Which yellow fruit is used to make lemonade?


Pass. Lemons. Turkish delight comes from which country? Pass. Turkey!


Which character is played by Daniel Radcliffe in the Harry Potter films?


Pass. Harry Potter! The house of the American President, the White House,


is painted which colour? Pass. WH IT E! In the popular sport football,


which you play, I have started so I will finish, in the popular sport


football, the act of one player kicking the ball to a team-mate is


called a what? You know this, Jack. You DO? You are right. Shoot. Pass!


It's a pass! Which means at the end of today's show, Scott Parker,


Michael Dawson and Jack Wilshere are all on zero points. We did it, joint


top. Yes. That is all for the first and probably last Footballers'


Mastermind. Good night. Wonderful work there. Thank you so


much to Jack Wilshere, Scott Parker and Michael Dawson, who plays for a


pub team! You are all great sports for doing that sketch. Can we say


thank you to the Premier League for supporting Sport Relief Cheryl Cole


introduced a film about one day in a hospital in Uganda. Because it was


before the news, we couldn't tell you the whole story of what happened


on that day. This is a tough watch, but we are only watching it, this is


real life, this is happening and we need to change it.


Every morning at this hospital in eastern Uganda, a steady stream of


desperate parents join the queue with their severely ill children.


Almost all of these kids have moo malaria -- malaria. The problem is I


don't have enough beds. Four-year-old Moses has been brought


in by his dad. He has severe malaria. Sharing the bed with him is


Ben, rushed in by his mother. He's unconscious and he has severe


malaria. In the next bed along, is another boy. He was brought in after


having seizures, caused by severe malaria. The list of victims of this


horrible disease is never ending. John has malaria, Jonah has cerebral


malaria, Paul and Winnie are brother and sister, both of them have


malaria. It's like an epidemic. And this is just an ordinary day in this


hospital. Add midday Mose severe malaria isn't -- Moses isn't


responding to treatment. The rest of the family isn't able to get to the


hospital. His dad is all alone. Desperate for any sort prove guess,


Ben's mother -- sort of progress, Ben's mother hasn't left his side.


It never stops. Another baby is rushed in. Another mother is


helpless as she watches her daughter suffer the effects of malaria.


Outside the queue doesn't stop growing.


At last, for one mother, there's some encouraging news. The


convulsions have stopped. But both the boys in the bed next to him are


still critically ill. As As Moses slips in and out of consciousness,


Ben's kidneys have started to failment We have children -- Fail.


We have children every day coming in with malaria. It makes us sad.


Malaria is a preventible disease. Moses and Ben are fighting the


battle of their lives. At the moment, it's malaria that's winning.


I wish I could say that things turned out OK for Ben and Moses, but


I'm sorry to tell you, since the filming, both little boys have died.


It's heart breaking and the worst thing is their deaths are


preventible. If they had been sleeping under Amos coato net --


under a mosquito net, they may still be alive. It costs ?5. Please call:


03457 910 910. Thank you.


Please help us to buy more moss uito nets. It's the best fiver you will


ever spend. Standard geographic charges from landlines and mobiles


apply. Right, it's time now for Clash of the Titans decider. Let's


go to Clare Balding in the Aquatic Centre. Can John crush Coe? Or will


Seb bash the Bishop? Thank you so much. Welcome back to the Aquatic


Centre and the Olympic pool. What an extraordinary Clash of the Titans


competition we have seen. It started with the elimination cycling with


Freddie Flintoff falling off his bike, remounting and winning the


race. We had synchronised swimming which was extraordinary. Patrick


Kielty and Greg names showing us their best moves. The rhythmic


gymnastics. Who will ever forget the intensity of Seb Coe? The fact that


John Bishop turned himself into an elegant gymnast and the cycling, Amy


Williams so impressive. That time trial ended in a tie. After four


events, this is how the scores look: It is so close. Because in the lead


with 22 points Team Bishop. Ahead of Team Coe, with 21 points. Now that


means just one point translates into one second for the final


edevelopment that will decide -- event, that will decide this


competition. The swimmers are back stage. They are ready. They are


raring to go. Look at this, he looks like Michael Phelps. He's listening


to music. How are you feeling? Pumped up. I just wish I had


something to plug it into. That's a schoolboy error. How have you lined


up the team? It's going to be with Patrick starting, Helen in the


middle and me bringing it home. Finishing? Apparently so. It will


all come down to the captain. Over here we have Team Coe.


Disappointingly Seb Coe yourself not in your trunks. Why not? There's a


good reason for that... I can't really swim. Not stopping anybody


else. Oh, I think it think it is. Selected your team, what are you


going for? Well, look, I mean... The height, the strength, the win span


of Greg. Amy is our secret weapon, head first, quarter of an inch off


the water. Richard who can't hear a thing at this moment. . He never


can. Are you bringing it home then? Yes. I know it's John against I,


it's terrifying. Amy is our strongest swimmer. I'm reliant on


her to gain me some distance so we can win irrespective of how I


perform. Very nervous actually. He told me that earlier. I told him he


should be. If you're watching this at home, if you think these athletes


have done incredible things, that they've laid their bodies on the


line, don't forget to donate. They have the help of two amazing


mentors, who between them have won World Championships, European


Championships, Commonwealth titles as well. Karen Pickering and Mark


Foster. What advice have you given our swimmers? I think the main thing


is to try and relax. As silly as it sounds, the more tense you are in


the pool, the harder it gets. Try to relax. Don't forget to breathe,


that's quite key. And 50 metres is quite a long way. When you stand at


the end of the pool and you look down, it is quite a long way. Maybe


don't go out too quick. In terms of technique, any tips? That hit the


nail on the head, the first few strokes, I don't mean easy as in not


trying, but relax, they'll feel the water. Other-wise they get in there


and they'll spin. They'll tighten up. By the time they get halfway,


they will be hurting. I've seen it before, they get to halfway, look up


and go, oh, dear. Who do you think will win? I think, I fancy John


Bishop on the anchor leg against Richard Bacon. It's battle of the


mouths, but I am going for John. He's a fit man. The ones to watch


are the chicks, the girls are probably the strongest swimmers. Amy


against Helen is a really interesting battle. Amy, an athlete,


she will be tough. Helen has done some amazing challenges. We have


know she's pretty gritty. Team Bishop have a second advantage. That


might be enough to make the difference. Ladies and gentleman,


here we go with our final swimming relay. Let us bring out our


swimmers. For Team Bishop, it's Patrick, John


and Helen. For Team Coe, Greg, Richard and Amy.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Obviously, they are the ones doing


all the hard work. They will be ably supported by their team meats who


are here, Freddie Flintoff, nursing an injury, you took a hell a fall.


I'm really clumsy. You are so tough, rock hard. I'm not really. On the


surface, maybe. Ol -- Olly has a bigger scar. It was great to do


that. Sally you overcame your fears? No, I was scared all the way


through. I just got through it. I didn't fall off. That was a big


success and a personal best. That was great. For someone who doesn't


do any exercise at all, that was a bit a win. And a final word for Team


Coe from their captain. We've just got to bring the bacon home.


You win the corn. Here we go. This will decide who are the Clash of the


Titans champions. . This is it. The whole night comes


down to this, the glory moment for one of these teams.


Lord Coe is watching on the side. The last time we were here, it was


Michael Phelps winning his 18th Olympic Gold Medal. Surelily tonight


it's much bet -- surely tonight, it's much better, much bigger, the


decider. Well that's an interesting start


from Patrick Kielty. Just like Michael Phelps did for team USA,


he's leading out. It looks like an early lead for Greg James. He's


taller. Really using the height very well. Looking up ape bit. Starting


to get -- up a bit. He's starting to get a bit tired. This is a good


swim. Recently stripped off to his swimsuit to present Radio 1's


breakfast show. Raised ?10,000 for doing that. Look at this lead, a


very good start. Greg James hands over to Amy Williams, MBE. I'm


reliably told that the women are the fast effort swimmers in this race.


Amy has gone off like a shot. So Patrick Kielty has handed over to


Helen Skelton. She's got some work to do. She's


about 15 metres behind Amy Williams. The incredibly versatile Amy


Williams, Gold Medallist in the Skelton from Vancouver. It looks


like maybe Helen is catching up. She has a lot to do here. Lovely, long,


economic stroke. What a great swim this is. The final leg now, don't go


too early Richard Bacon. He's in for Lord Coe. 50 metres to go. Still


going is Helen Skelton. She's been to the South Pole, aye yakked the


Amazon, and a -- kayaked the Amazon and a bit of work to do here. And


John has a lot of work to do to catch up Richard Bacon. Good work


from Bacon. This is very good indeed. Whoever touches the wall


first is going to be the Clash of the Titans champion for 2014. Oh,


and this is absolutely brilliant. The Clash of the Titans champions


title is Lord Coe's team, team blue! Richard Bacon brings it home. What a


brilliant swim. John Bishop, a gallant effort, but had a lot of


work to do. So Lord Coe absolutely delighted.


Saluting his gladiators. Here's the lead-off Greg James, what a great


swim from him. Amy Williams, well, the fastest, they put her in the


middle, interesting, very interesting tactics. What a great


day, what a fantastic event. Scenes of celebration here for Team


Coe. Who trailed the competition but came home in the swimming relay to


take the title. It was set up by Greg James. What a fabulous first


leg. I was so bad at swimming at school. All the dreams of come --


have come true, timely, I can switch. You took the advice of Mark


and shone out there. Amy, sensational. I gave it my all. Mark


was like, don't go out too quick, keep the arms slow. Yeah, took on


the tips. It was fun, it was great. Everyone did such a good job.


Richard you said you want aid half length lead and you got it. I did.


You feel a certain pressure because Amy did so well, to lose from that


position would have been mortgagifying. Due pan --


Mortifying. , a lovely mouthful of water and had a mild panic attack.


John, that was a race too far. You've put up such an heroic effort,


your back flip was impressive. We should have got a bonus point for


that. Really it's not about winners or losers, we're all winners. It's


about the kids and the charity. That's what it's about. He took this


so seriously. I saw another side to John Bishop today. A reaction from


the winning captain, Seb Coe. He stood back and let the others take


the glory in the swimming relay. He selected the strongest swimmers...


Oh, no! Don't leave him out there too long. He said he can't really


swim. Hopefully the tracksuit will help him float. How inspirational a


leader has that man in the pool been? He's amazing. He's been


fantastic. Just to be in his company for the last two days has been


incredible and everyone deserves this. It's been brilliant. Like John


said, it's for everyone else. We've had a great time doing Clash of the


Titans. It's been immense. I've loved every minute. Elation for the


winners and huge congratulations as well from the runners up. I think we


may be here for some time. Join us again, because we have very special


guests to make the presentation of the trophies to our winners and to


our runners up. Congratulations to Team Coe. We will get an interview


with him later. Huge congratulations to Team Coe.


That looked like fantastic work. We will be back in a few minutes to see


Olly Murs giving him life to life. They will be here later to chat to


Fearne and Gary. Also, coming up later is another chance to see that


brilliant Only Fools and Horses special starring David Beckham. Now,


everyone taking part in tonight's show is doing it because they want


to make a difference. They are hoping that if you enjoyed the


entertaining parts of the night, you will watch the tougher films and


make a donation. We are incredibly grateful for what you can afford.


Here is David Tennant. This is the Children's Hospital in


Freetown in West Africa. A little boy called Alusine has been brought


in by his grandmother. As the hospital staff try to


stabilise him, Alusine's grandma can only look on. Since his Mum died in


childbirth, she's spent every day by his side. Suddenly, there is a


problem with the oxygen machine. Intensive care is full, so there is


no choice but to stay in this ward and continue sharing oxygen. It is a


desperate time for Alusine's grandma. One week ago, she was in


this same ward with his twin brother. He sadly passed away.


If you started tonight thinking maybe you might give some money, if


the funny bits are funny enough, if the sad bits are sad enough, you


might. Well, I'm telling you, this is it. This is the saddest, this is


all we've got. Cards on the table. I can't think of anything sadder.


Please don't tell me you don't care. Anything you can give would be


amazing. Thank you. If he had a ?5 vaccine, Alusine


might still be alive today. We know you care. You have proved that year


after year. Please, would you be just so kind one more time? 03457


910 910. Here is Katy B with her beautiful song, Crying For No


Reason. Katy has asked that you call to donate whilst she is singing.


# I push all my problems to the back of my mind


# Then they surface in my dreams # They come alive


# I sweep all my issues to somewhere I can't find


# And hope that I'll forget but there's just so many times


# Why can't I be strong and just confront all my fears?


# When the fear is hurting then I'm being insincere


# But how many more days can I hide # How many years?


# Emotions flooding then I was all seeming so clear


# Crying for no reason # Feel the tears roll down


# I felt strong but am I breaking now?


# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep


# I made promises I could not keep # Cos I never faced all the pain I


caused # Now the pain is hitting me full


force # I push all my problems to the back


of my brain # The darkness deep inside where I


just can't find my way # How can I walk with a smile


# Get on with my day? # When I deceive myself pretending


it's all OK # I try my best to hold it all


together, I know # The strings have worn away and now


I'm all exposed # I try and hide it all the way on


top of the shelf # I can lie to everyone but not to


myself # Crying for no reason


# Feel the tears roll down # I felt strong but am I breaking


now? # Crying for no reason cos I buried


it deep # I made promises I could not keep


# Cos I never faced all the pain I caused


# Now the pain is hitting me full force


# Forgive me now cos I said that I'll be there for you


# Care for you, I let you down # I walked away cos there were


things I couldn't say to you # Say to you, I'm breaking now


# I burned some bridges down # There must be some way out


# The voices speak so loud # Will you forgive me now?


# I burned some bridges down # There must be some way out


# The voices speak so loud # Will you forgive me now?


# Crying for no reason # Feel the tears roll down


# I felt strong but am I breaking now?


# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep


# I made promises I could not keep # But I never faced all the pain I


caused # Now the pain is hitting me full


force. # Thank you.


A massive thank you to the wonderful Katy B. Now, Ryman Stationery have


been selling these Sport Relief pens. His arms go, isn't that great?


He loves the pens. Robert Dyas have been selling these Sport Relief


torch keyrings. Sorry. Oh yeah. These cost ?1! That is bloody good


value. The ?1 goes straight to Sport Relief. That is brilliant. I know.


You love it. The whole ?1 goes to Sport Relief. It doesn't work,


that's why! He is joking. Which one of these is the most sporty? We sent


football legend - you say his name... David Ginola. Off to find


out. They work. Yes! You are late, where have you been? This way.


Come on! You have a race to win. Quick, quick. What is going on here?


Down and up. Now we are talking. More! On your mark, set, GO! Come


on, yes! Fantastic! Well done! You did it! These two aren't the only


ones getting active for Sport Relief. Rymans and Robert Dyas shop


teams have been raising cash in the most wonderful of ways.


There you have it. A draw. A huge thank you to everyone who bought one


of these pens, or one of these keyrings. Let's find out how much


Ryman and Robert Dyas staff and customers have raised. Let's see the


total. Wow! Congratulations. Amazing. Yeah.


All for some pens. Well done, everyone. Time for something very


special from Mock the Week. It is a very special edition of the episode.


There it is. It has a woman on the panel! No, that is a joke. No, it is


a special edition because it has one of the biggest sportsmen on the


planet, ladies and gentlemen. Here is Mock the Week with Andy Murray.


Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Mock The Week for Sport


Relief. This round is called Between The Lines, and in it we feature


Wimbledon hero and sporting legend Andy Murray delivering a speech as


if at a press conference, and Hugh will tell us what he really means.


The role of Andy Murray will be played by Andy Murray tonight. Take


it away. Good evening, everyone. I can't tell you how desperate I was


to be part of tonight's events. It was either this or another knock-up


with Ivan Lendl and my mum. I hope that by joining in tonight I'll be


able to show you the real me behind the public image.


LAUGHTER Sport Relief is a really worthwhile


cause that I'm proud to be part of. It's a bit of a pain, innit? Tennis


has enabled me to achieve things I could never have dreamt of. Have you


seen my girlfriend? Eh? This is a great era for British tennis. This


is a great era for Scottish tennis. I love playing in front of Wimbledon


crowds and thank them for their support. Stop shouting "Come on,


Tim!", for God's sake. I'm very proud to have done something that no


Scotsman has ever achieved before. I'm very proud to be the first


Scotsman to eat a banana on national television. I really can't thank my


mum Judy enough. Since forgetting to give my mum a hug... After winning


Wimbledon, she really can't remind me of it enough. I hope my success


will inspire a new generation of British tennis stars to come forward


and challenge for titles. But not yet. Give me a few years, you


bustards! It was great to finally win Wimbledon, and the next thing is


to knuckle down and go on to win even more. Job done. Party! At the


end of that round, ladies and gentlemen, the points go to Hugh


Dennis and Andy Murray! APPLAUSE


Brilliant. There will be more from Andy Murray and Mock the Week later


on. Time to head over to the Aquatics Centre for Clash of the


Titans victory ceremony. Thank you so much. Welcome back. Here in the


Aquatics Centre, we have seen a thrilling climax to The Clash of the


Titans. It has been a wonderful contest. We have seen wonderful


rhythmic gymnastics, John Bishop so elegant, Freddie Flintoff crashing


off his bike and getting back on, Amy Williams, a natural sportswoman


showing she could have been a cyclist, too. Sally Phillips, with a


hoop nobody else could touch her. It's not over yet. Here, we have


assembled to make the presentation to give the medals and the trophy,


the finest ever collection of British winter Olympians and


Paralympians, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Team GB. Winning our


first medal on snow, Jenny Jones who took bronze in the snowboard slope


style, our gold medallist in skeleton, Lizzy Yarnold, the most


successful ever winter Paralympian for Great Britain, Jade Etherington


and Caroline Powell, Eve Muirhead and her bronze medal curlers, Dave


Murdoch and his silver medal curlers. What a line-up of Olympians


and Paralympians. Let's grab a word with Jenny. How many enquiries have


you had from children wanting to take up snowboarding? Loads. My


local d slope is booked out till April with children having snowboard


lessons, which is awesome. That is why you do it, to win the medals, to


be successful and to inspire others. Lizzy, you said right, I'm going to


get out there in the schools, I will start talking to kids about sport.


You have already started? It all kicked off today. I had my Victory


Parade. We fit in three our four schools and I have hundreds to see


over the next year. I can't wait. Jade, your feet have hardly touched


the ground? It's been crazy. My phone crashed when I was out there,


so I didn't realise all the support we have had and it is brilliant to


be back and overwhelming and thanks for the support. Look at all those


medals. Sensational stuff, guys. I know how much you will want to thank


the crowd for the support they have given you through the Games and how


much they want to thank you. Our winter Olympians and Paralympians.


Now it's time for the medal presentation. While our Paralympians


and Olympians get ready to present the medals, please welcome the


runners up, in the Clash of the Titans, it's Team Bishop.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Please step up to the podium and


prepare to receive your medals. The medals are being brought over by


our winter Olympians Jenny Jones, eve Muirhead and her curlers. The


bronze medallists from Sochi. A mutual appreciation between these


groups of athletes. Cow really feel -- you could really feel they knew


what it took today to push your body to the limits. Yeah, they do. They


appreciate what we put in and we appreciate what they've done. This


is a better medal that Seb's going to get. U seem to have stolen a


medal there. I never stole it! I just couldn't get over to Sochi, so


I would have won it any way, if I would have gone. Of your team? Very


proud. They've done well. The effort that they've put in, and all for a


fantastic cause, it's been brilliant. Most of all, thanks to


all of you at home and everyone who came and made the atmosphere what


it's been. APPLAUSE


I think you've found some real guts and determination and natural


sportsmen and women today. Definitely. We have natural


athletes. This has not been like a normal sporting event. It's been


like a Sportsday at Downton Abbey. You have the Lord and all his people


and we're the people who work and live downstairs. You are the ones


who shall rise and conquer in the end. One day, when the revolution


comes. You'll be there. Right now you're the losers. Let's move over


and let the winners come in. Thank you so much, Team Bishop, ladies and


gentleman! APPLAUSE


let's go over to the secondary podium. Time now, ladies and


gentleman, to congrape late the winners of Clash of the Titans. Led


by a man who knows what it's like to win Olympic gold medals and bring


the Olympics to London, please welcome Team Coe.


Seb Coe, Richard Bacon, Amy Williams, Saffy Philips, Greg James


-- Sally Philips, Greg James and Olly Murs. Guys, time to take your


moment of glory, if you want to make your way over here to receive your


medals. There is a trophy as well. It's lovely to see the warmth of


your feeling. But now, your moment. Please take to the stage. Team Coe,


Clash of the Titans champions will be presented with their medals by


Lizzie Yarnold, Dave Murdoch, and his Silver Medal-winning curlers.


APPLAUSE what a moment for them. Seb Coe is


stealing Lizzie's Gold Medal. He will also receive the medal that


he'll be Loued to keep, his -- allowed to keep, his Sport Relief


medal. Make sure he gets that as well. Don't leave that one behind.


Lizzie, can I just grab that. He'll give you your Gold Medal back. You


need to put that on. That's what you have won. Would you like to remind


everybody why you actually have all done this today. We've done this for


an extraordinary effort tonight and I hope there are millions of young


people that are going to benefit from everything that has been


achieved and the extraordinary support tonight and if you're still


there watching, dig deep, it's really important.


APPLAUSE Just a word on your highlights from


this competition, was it being thrown into the pool by John? Or


your extraordinary rhythmic gymnastics with the ribbon? I think


it was all down to my jumps. Ribbons. We've seen a new Seb Coe.


He has led his team to triumph in the Clash of the Titans. It seems


only appropriate that Britain's most successful ever Paralympian should


present this trophy, please welcome Jade Etherngton and Caroline Powell.


APPLAUSE This is the moment, give it up for


Team Coe! they'll be joined by Team Bishop!


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE They've put in a huge amount of


effort. Can you see the excitement. John is still with it. Still friends


on the podium exchanging training tips, wondering how they could do


better next time. Done a full lap of the pool, he still has the energy to


do that. That means he didn't swim hard enough. He's gone, with the


trophy. Finally, thank you to everybody here in the Aquatic Centre


and the velodrome as well. You've been a great support. It's back.


Back with the trophy. Put it in the hands in which it belongs. Thank you


for watching. Goodbye. Good night. APPLAUSE


It's been a great night at the Aquatic Centre and the velodrome and


captain Seb Coe, John Bishop and members of their teams will join us


later. As a mother, I would do anything for my child, that's the


same for mothers all over the world. And no different for the mother that


David Tennant meets in this next film.


Two months ago Sento tested positive for HIV.


The effect its had on her body has been brutal. She's lost the strength


in her arms and legs. And her muscles are knotted in pain. Only


regular massages can help ease her zoment. Discomfort. -- discomfort.


Can you tell me when you started getting sick, what happened?


Giving up is not an option. Because she's not alone. She has her son. He


never explains about the long walk to fetch water. He doesn't moan if


his mum asks him to massage her aching legs.


And he tries not to notice if she gets upset. He would do anything for


his mum. But the one thing he can't do is make her better. Before your


mum got sick, what did you used to do together? Was she better than


you? Or did you win? I won. You won, right. Do you worry about your mum?


There's a ran that her condition has deteriorated so rapidly and it comes


down to the simplest of things. Poverty. She actually has the


medications she needs to get stronger, but she can't take it. The


medication is incredibly strong and has to be taken with food. And the


food she has she gives to her son. She can go a whole day without


taking any medicine. But there is hope. And it's thanks


to money raised by you. Care and support are available, which means


that she stands a much better chance of getting stronger. And her son can


start to experience a childhood and get an education. This is your


chance to help people you will never meet, but who desperately need you.


There's a project right here helping people living with HIV to be as well


as they can, for as long as they can. So that kids like this don't


end up orphans any sooner than they have to. Please help. 03457 910 910.


Thank you. If you're sitting there thinking,


how can I help? Let me tell you how. Call 03457 910 910. Now, nobody turn


over, nobody go to bed, nobody move a muscle. We have something very


special at the end of the show. Take a look at this: It's yours truly,


one manager here. He's been one of our biggest supporters. Now before


we start, I just want to put you at your ease, I'm not here to make you


look stupid. I do that myself. He's been willing to put himself in


tricky positions. Tell me is your little boy putting sentences


together? He's saying bits and pieces, yeah. What about Brooklyn.


We've Senior him get cosy with Smithy. -- We've seen him getting


cosy with Smithy. Stop it, you silly Billy. Tonight, Beckham is in


Peckham. If I asked you to go into the High Street wearing a sarong


would you? Well... APPLAUSE


That's right, Only Fools and Horses with David Beckham will be coming up


at the end of the show. Don't you dare go to bed. Actually, the only


people that are allowed to go to bed are those who have to get up early


in the morning, long distance lorry drivers or nurses. You need your


sleep. I will announce what time people can go to bed over the


evening according to their profession. . I love the Bake Off so


much. Mary Berry is a legend. Agreed. Mary Berry, you can go to


bed. The work you do is vital. Leave the hot water bottle out on my side


of the bed, if you want me to wake you up when I get home. That's a


joke! I do not... I do. Every night. Course hands, but a wonderful lover.


Shouldn't have said that. Never met the woman. OK, no more words from


you. Sit down. Here are the best bits of baking from the Sport Relief


Bakoff. On your marks, get set...BAKE! # And


we danced all night to the best song ever... We'd like to apologise for


what we have done to your cakes. It's an elephant. And they look real


whoppers, don't they? Oh, God! Yes, you've got nice whoppers there. I


think you look slightly too glamorous. That's what I want.


SOPRANO OPERA SINGING Right, now I'm putting them in the oven. I've


slightly burnt it. Have you killed Mary Berry? I don't like that, I


love. It I'm really proud. They've put their minds to it. They enjoyed


every minute. They've done extremely well. I'm proud of them. Bake Off!


APPLAUSE Brilliant.


I love the Bake Off as well. It's not the only show I love. I have an


idea of how to combine it with my favourite show. Here it is, Baking


Bad. Me Paul Hollywood in a camper van in the desert, cooking up my


speciality, Eton Madge. Terrible joke. Great British Bake Off has


raised... Well done, Mary and Paul. We should


say thanks to all the other TV shows that have been so supportive. A huge


thanks to Blue Peter - yes! Songs of Praise. Only Connect, Pointless,


Famous, Rich Hungry, Sport Relief Does Glee Club and my favourite,


Sport Relief's Top Dog. That was amazing. The best thing I have ever


seen. Right. I have something very important to say. We are going to


make it easier for you to give some cash tonight. All you need is a


mobile phone. Have you got one? Good. Text, baby, you and me. Do you


want to change the world with a simple text message? Of course you


do! Here is how. You can choose to donate ?5 or ?10 - text "FIVE" or


text "TEN" to 70510. All of your donation will go to Sport Relief.


You must be 16 or over. Please ask the bill payer's permission. For


more information, go to A ?5 message


can save someone's life. Think how easily you could waste ?5. That


pasty at the train station, that final pint at the end of the night


when you know you don't need it, or four VIP tickets with full-back


stage access to a Blue concert! You can waste ?5 very easily, alright?


It is very easy to waste ?5. You can spend it on a cab journey that you


could walk or on Jayne McDonald's autobiography. My point is this: Why


not change someone's life with a simple text. If you have some money


left over, you can then buy the book! Send the text message first.


That is my point. Anyway, Claudia, hit me up with some details! Thank


you. You - or you may want to give ?10. Yes, yes. Text "TEN" to the


same number - 70510. Here is Andy Murray. You can donate by phone if


you want. You can go online, that is really easy. You can always take a


cheque to bank or building society, or Post Office. Or you can text, it


is really easy. Text "FIVE" or text "TEN" - what was it? Either text


"FIVE" or text "TEN" to 70510. I'm very excited about it.


So, to reiterate, some of you might have been drinking - Mary, get to


bed - text "FIVE" or text "TEN" to 70510. I love you, really! It is


time to say another - I can't speak - it is time to say another big


thank you. Cravendale has been getting all active for Sport Relief


with the staff fund-raising like mad. You customers have been


guzzling the special bottles of milk with a 1p donation from every one


you have bought going straight to Sport Relief. Thank you. Thank you.


Thank you. Now, take a look at this. Got any lemonade? If you want. Milk?


Urgh! It is what Ian Rush drinks. Ian Rush? Yes, Ian Rush! Cravendale


are donating 1p from the special bottles of milk to Sport Relief.


That is amazing. Exactly. Give me some. Get off!


Let's find out what the brilliant people at Cravendale have raised.


Here we go. Go on, Cravendale. Oh! Wow! Cravendale, Cravendale,


Cravendale. Quite the cash cow! Earlier this month, the owner of 63


international caps and scorer of a record-breaking 260 Premier League


goals, England footballing legend, Alan Shearer OBE and Robbie Savage


took on their own Sport Relief Challenge. Let's have a look at how


they got on in the Battle of the Backsides. We are here at Wembley.


We are about to try and sit on 45,000 seats, myself and Robbie.


When you get asked to do the challenge, you think that will be


easy. When you see the number of seats, it is horrendous, mentally


and physically. I didn't think it would be as hard


as that. When's the next break? It is hard on the hips and hard on my


hands. Before the last break, I was 12 seats ahead. I think he's more. I


expect him to be a few ahead. Not looking forward to tomorrow one bit.


It will be hard. Oh! Horrendous. We are stiff. We are


sore. I had to roll out of bed this morning. I couldn't tie my shoelaces


up. It is a great view. It will be better on Friday night when we've


finished. Seat after seat after seat. Everything is hurting at the


moment. How easy can that be? How are you? Delighted to see you, it


gives us another rest! Felt bad yesterday. I feel worse today. I


felt like giving up today. Raising money made me carry on. It's


hurting! There we go, 22,500. Halfway. I wish I could say it is


all downhill! Today, we are going to try and set a Guinness World Record.


When people talk about the magic of Wembley, you won't be able to join


in with that. We think we are in pain here. We are not, really, are


we? Worth every single seat for the money we are going to raise. Halfway


through the final day, another 3,000 seats to go. The end is in sight.


Come on. Are you OK? Fab! APPLAUSE


Well done, pal! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome


a true Sport Relief hero and Welsh footballing legend, Mr Robbie


Savage. Alan has not been able to make it


tonight. First question, after all of that, how is the backside? Alan


is at home! We have some stats here... It took five days, you sat


on 45,000 seats each. 15 seats a minute. You burnt off 12 ,516


calories. You look great. I know(!) It was hard. Pre-season training for


21 years, but that was the hardest week of our lives. It doesn't look


hard. When you say to people, it was just sitting down. Alan lost four


marathons in calories and 10lb. Amazing. We want to let everyone


know at home you can still enter the Battle of the Backsides competition


to support the boys and win incredible prizes, like a trip to


Brazil to see England play in the World Cup. Or tickets to Wimbledon


Centre Court. Entries cost ?5. You must be over 18 and the competition


closes at midday tomorrow. Full terms and conditions are on

:09:53.:09:59. Make sure you are on the BBC website! Robbie, do


you want to find out how much you and Alan raised? Yes, please. Let's


have the Battle of the Backsides total, please.


Congratulations. Amazing. Thank you. Well done. Incredible. What an


amazing effort. We would like to give a massive thank you to Wembley


Stadium, Five Live and the FA for all of their help with this


challenge, but a massive thank you mainly to Alan Shearer and even more


so, because he is here and Alan isn't, Robbie Savage. What an


amazing achievement. Well done. Well done. Now, I promise you that lives


are being changed. That's because of the donations you have made. Here is


a film about a girl whose life has definitely been changed. She's


called Eunice. This is a quarry in Nairobi. It's no


place for children, but every day children come here to work alongside


their mothers, as it is the only way for the families to earn enough


money to survive. It was here that I met a little girl called Anne, who


works here with her Mum. Do you hurt? Your hands? Yes. What things


make you happy? The evening. That's because it's the


only time that she's not here in the quarry doing this desperate work.


Meeting Anne did remind me of a little girl that broke my heart 15


years ago. She was called Eunice. She was making breakfast in the


slums and every night she went to sleep fearing that her home was


going to get bulldozed. She lived in fear constantly. That night, they


came when we are sleeping and started beating us. They demolished


our house. When you go to sleep at night here, are you frightened? Are


you afraid? Of course, yes. Eunice, what would it mean to you to have


your own piece of land? I could be very happy. That's exactly what


happened. Your money went to work and Eunice and her family moved into


a new home away from the dangers of the slum. In that house, she was


able to do her homework, and eventually made it to university.


YOU changed her life. I always remembered Eunice as clear as day.


My kids know Eunice. My husband knows Eunice. She's part of us. I'm


not leaving this country without seeing her. Hey, Eunice!


I can't imagine I'm seeing you. Oh God! You look exactly the same. You,


too. I never thought I could recognise you.


How old are you now? I'm turning 26. Oh my God! I met you 15 years ago.


Yes. For sure. You need someone to give you this period, to show you


that there is a better life. And that's you. That's where I am. Oh


God, I'm happy. What are you doing? Actually, what you did to me really


turned my life. I grew up a girl with high spirit. Knowing that one


day life will change. It is not going to remain like this. I decided


to do a home but not any home, I decided to do a home for kids with


special needs. Did you? I did that. You have become such a strong,


independent young woman. It's so far away from the little girl that I


met. I'm proud. Because of what you planted in me, that seed has grown


and girls need help. Girls need help for real. Yeah. To empower one


another, so at least we can go far. Like you have. Yeah, yeah, sure.


It's all because of you. It's not. It's because of you. Younis' life


was transformed because of the money you gave. But there are other girls


out there, just like Ann, that desperately need your help. Let's do


it again tonight, please, give what you can. 03457 910 910.


APPLAUSE There are lots of Younises, they


need your support, give ?5 or ?10, text the word five or ten to 70510.


For full terms please visit Sport Relief. Thank you.


It's been an amazing evening. Thank you so much to everyone who has


given already much it's time to look at what the total currently stands


at. Ready? The total so far tonight is...


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much for donating.


Thank you so much. Well done everyone. Thank you. We are off now.


Gary Lineker and Fearne Cotton are here next. Before that, it's time...


She's very excited. Part two of Andy Murray on Mock the Week.


Welcome to a special edition of mock the reel for Sport Relief. This


round it called Scenes we'd tlieck see. So, the topic of this round is


Unlikely Things For Andy Murray To Think. No-one will miss these


towels, will they? I wish Rafael Nadal would stop picking his shorts


out of his cars, cos I'm going to have to shake his hand in a minute.


It's championship point... I could really do with a poo. Well, at least


now I've won Wimbledon they'll stop making fun of me on television. Oi,


Tim! Look what I've just won! Wahey! I must remember to keep talking in


the Scottish accent. It's very hard when you live in Surrey. BAD


SCOTTISH ACCENT: I remember when I used to train... What is that?! He's


in the room! So. BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: I remember when I used to...


..train in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthier. I used to serve


with a potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards.


Five sets. That should be enough underwear. I wonder if my mum's


watching today? Of course she is. She's always watching. I could break


his serve... ..or I could break his legs. When are Athena going to make


a poster of ME scratching my cars? # In between games I get free orange


squash # Free orange squash Free orange squash... # This ball's not


as bouncy as it should be. I'll go to the doctor after the tournament.


They say I'm now the poster boy for Scottish sport, taking over from


David Coulthard. But David Coulthard only got the job because his head


was the same shape as a poster. I wonder if Kim really likes tennis?


Well, I've never noticed before just how... Beautiful and smooth... Rafa


Nadal's skin is. I wish Kim would shut up. "Oh, Ed Byrne, he's so


funny!" Thank you for watching Mock The Week


For Sport Relief. Please keep watching and most importantly,


please keep donating. Have a wonderful night, and our thanks


again to Andy Murray for coming on the show.


Chat of the Titans. Ladies and gentleman, it's chat of the Titans.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the final part


of Sport Relief 2014. We're still live from the copper box arena.


There we are. You're still here. I was trying to go home. That's


brilliant. It's great to be still here and wow 45 million. An


incredible amount of money so far. What about Clash of the Titans, who


enjoyed that? CHEERING


So good. We are going to be chatting to John and Seb and their teams in a


moment. I will never be able to get the sight of Seb Coe in a skin tight


gymnastics outfit out of my mind ever, ever. Apparently behind closed


doors that's how he won us the Olympics. I thought so. What about


Grimmy doing rhythmic gymnastics. So good. That is a typical Friday night


for Grimmy. Every Friday, that's what he does. Let's look at what's


coming up in our part of the show, or as we're calling it, the Chat of


the Titans. Coming up: Stars from the Clash of the Titans join us live


in the studio. A look behind-the-scenes of the England


World Cup video. # Greatest day of our lives #


Some football managers with jokes. I'm having trouble spelling


armageddon, oh, well it's not the end of the word. And Only Fools and


Horses. If I asked you to go into the High Street wearing a sarong,


would you? Well... APPLAUSE


All that is still to come. Stay watching please to the end of the


show, when you get another chance to see Only Fools and Horses, with


David Beckham. Fearne, I started the show, what, six hours ago now? A


while ago. It's been a long day. You put your feet up, because this part


of the show will be more relaxed, a bit different. It is going to be


chilled. Half of the money you donate tonight will be spent right


here in the UK, don't forget. You need to remember that. We spend it


right here. Here's Martin Shaw. ? I want to talk to you about


post-traumatic stress disorder and introduce a very brave man who has


agreed to tell us his story. One of the things I didn't know about this


illness is that it can take years to strike. So, you go through a trauma,


you think you're fine. Then years later, your world falls to pieces.


It's terrifying for you and for the people who love you.


I knew quite early on that Tanya was special and that I wanted to spend


the rest of my life with her. We have two beautiful boys and I love


my family to pieces. There's nothing I won't do for them. We both had


good jobs, got a house, a mortgage. Something just snapped. In 1992,


Paul joined the Army catering corps and at just 19 years old, he was


sent out to Bosnia. We were coming across completely abandoned and


blown apart villages. We were finding corporations, pulling bodies


out of the river. It was horrible. In 1999, Paul left the Army. He got


married, started a family and settled into life back at home. Ten


years down-the-line, the effects of what Paul had witnessed as a young


soldier changed his life forever. I was having flashbacks and anxiety


attacks. Every time I stepped out of my front door, I thought I was going


to die. I thought I was going to come across corporations. I was


going to have that smell all the time. So I'd be sick. I'd be


throwing up. I'd run away. I'd run back in and slam the door. I


couldn't do it. Paul became so traumatised, he left his job and


didn't leave his house for nine months. I had to film Thomas' first


Christmas play, because Paul couldn't cope with the crowds. When


a child is looking into the crowd and trying to find their parents,


they see me, but they didn't see daddy. I wasn't a husband or a


father at all, during that time. I thought I was worthless. I didn't


see the point in me being involved as part of the family. He told me


that he had planned to commit suicide. You always think that if I


had picked it up earlier, we may not have gone through half of what we've


gone through. Sorry. Paul's wife contacted Combat Stress, a project


supported by Sport Relief that offers care and treatment to


veterans of the British armed forces. Paul was diagnosed with


severe, complex post-traumatic stress. Daryl is one of the mental


health nurse who's helps veterans through a terrifying time. The Paul


you see now is so far removed from the Paul that we saw walking through


those gates two-and-a-half years before. I haven't, thankfully, for


about 18 months been on any medication. I'm back in fulltime


employment. He's amazing. He has worked so hards. That's why -- hard.


That's why he is where he is. I have bad days, but I know how to control


them. He's not afraid any more. He's not having panic attacks and the


boys have got their dad back. Come on, Thomas.


Now being able to go out and kick a ball around with my boys and my


wife, I feel happy about life again. For veterans like Paul, the battle


doesn't end when they come home, but tonight, you can help them and the


families. Without Combat Stress, I would not be here. And I can't thank


them enough. Please call: 03457 910 910. Thank


you. A completely heart breaking, but


massively heart warming film. Your money does so many amazing things.


If you're thinking, well, how can I help? Let me tell you how. Text the


word five or ten to 70510 to give five or ten pounds. Give what you


can. Here's a reminder of how to give o ?10 from Gareth Southgate.


Where are you? Yes, well, you know, I turned up to see the match today


and I think I might have got the kick-off time wrong or the date


wrong, the ground... It's completely empty. But yeah Sport Relief, it's


the details are behind me. Someone's graffitied it onto the stand. It's


not something you want to see in the modern game, but it's very helpful.


Basically text ten to 70510. Texts cost ?10. ?10 of that goes to Sport


Relief, which I think is 100% of that. You must be 16 or over and


check with the bill bayer to see that you get their permission. For


more information go to Relief. I should


have gone online to check the time and date of this match really.


APPLAUSE Thanks to Alistair McGowan there. We


are going to meet our first guests now from the Clash of the Titans.


The two captains, John Bishop and Seb Coe. Let's remind ourselves...


No they'll remind us, they're right here. Let's not keep them waiting.


Welcome John Bishop and Seb Coe! Good to see you. Hello. Nice to meet


you. How are you doing? I'm doing alright. Take a seat. Hi, chaps. How


you doing? We are doing alright, actually. Lord Coe, congratulations,


the winning team tonight? Thank you. Feeling good about it? We are all


winners. Technically not! I have a free tracksuit! That shows the


difference in the two teams. I'm wearing the clothes I've got for


nothing! So would I if you hadn't thrown me in the pool! Fair result?


I think it was probably reflective of the fact that Lord Coe has


influence! There were certain races, you can't argue with a race and I


apologise for my performance in the cycling. I need to correct that. It


cost you, didn't it? It probably did. I needed to do 1,000 laps!


However, when it came to rhythmic gymnastics, I think we all know


where the passion lay. Really? We all know where the scores should


have been. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. I thought,


Seb, you had such elegance and grace? We can take a look at it. I


thought so. Impressive. Can we see that moment? Beautiful! Such grace.


Yes. Yes. Look at that, that says swan! As soon as you see that, you


think, there's a swan! With a ribbon! Let's throw some bread at


it! Let's have a look back at YOUR gymnastics face, John. Have a little


look at this. It is like you are sucking a toffee! Some of it in me


mouth as well! That is probably why Seb is a peer of the realm and you


are not! It might be that. You know what? That's a working man's use of


a ribbon. That's what it is like when you use a ribbon and you have


never done it before. Let's be fair, it is not HIS first go. Every Friday


night. Friday night is ribbon night? Yes. The Lycra - it was a nice look,


was it chaffing? Comfortable? That's a bit too much information! Sorry.


We can take that on if you like? I have a rash I didn't have this


morning! That's got nothing to do with the Lycra! No. You have done


some things for Sport Relief? Exactly. You have to think of the


bigger picture. Have they got pictures on you? Definitely. They


must have. Without a doubt. Did you enjoy tonight? It was very, very


good fun tonight. Really good fun. Rhythmic gymnastics is very


difficult. Yes. Ask Gabby. Yes. She was great with the hoop. That was


her sport. The thing is, it was good fun, it was great fun for us, but I


hope it was good entertainment for people at home and it drew people


into the show so that they were watching and getting the messages on


the back of it. I think so. It is all going swimmingly well. Sinkingly


well! It must have brought back great memories. It is home. For us,


it is the Olympic Village. For him, it is like, "I built that!" It is


like his own Lego garden. With a bit of help. Not everyone got a


knighthood! It all finished in such a beautiful way... Deal with it!


They are having a domestic. Flintoff ended it so beautifully pushing you


both in the pull, which was more of a scary moment for you, Seb... It


was quite a scary moment. I wasn't really joking about my swimming


inability. There was my - my daughter thought I'm going to have


to jump in. That reflected the union that existed between the two teams.


None of the blue team went in to save him. We can see that moment.


They all moved out of the way. That is his stroke! That was so


good. I was hoping somebody might have come in there. No-one was


there. You do know pushing a Lord into a pool is technically treason?


Particularly a Lord that looks like a swan! You can't offend the Queen


anymore, can you? I was once described as the Nuryev of the


track! With or without ribbons? Thank you so much. You did such an


amazing job. It was beyond entertaining. Thank you.


APPLAUSE There is something you would like to


introduce, John? Yeah, I got involved with Sport Relief a couple


of years ago. As many people know, I went to Sierra Leone two years ago.


It was a visit that changed my view of the world, really. Sport Relief


is able to provide opportunities for people in so many ways, but it can


also change lives by doing something quite simple, like providing people


with the opportunity to have a vaccine.


This Children's Hospital is the only one in the whole of Sierra Leone.


This country has one of the worst child mortality rates in the world


for preventible illnesses like diarrhoea and pneumonia and this


hospital is on the frontline of a very unfair fight. This is the first


point of call for the parents with some of the sickest children. As you


can see, there's some desperate kids. You can hardly imagine what it


feels like to sit and to know that some of the children in here are


possibly not going to make it. It is heartbreaking to see.


It's 9.00am and already, for two families today, the worst has


happened. What you are looking at is the body of a child that came in


last night with diarrhoea, a three-year-old boy. They arrived at


the hospital at 3.00am and was dead at 5.00am. With severe diarrhoea. It


is important to not have your heart ripped out because there's no


parents who can imagine what it is like to lose a child, and to lose it


to something that could be prevented. This woman is here with


her daughter. She has severe pneumonia. She spent every minute of


the last 72 hours praying that her child won't end up the same way.


This is a scary place to be for any parent. I've got three boys in


England - big boys. I've never been scared that they won't survive.


Sometimes hope is all there is. One in five children in Sierra Leone


don't make it to the age of five. Across the way, another child has


become a terrible statistic. This may happen here every day, but


the grief is always unbearable. I can't imagine what it must feel like


to come... To come and have to take your child home to bury them. Less


than 24 hours after you have brought them here. That's how severe this


is. That's how close we are to death and every single child has died for


a preventible disease. So, please give what you can.


I haven't seen that film for two years, since it went out. Sometimes


when I'm watching it, it felt like it was someone else. I remember what


it smelt like to be there and what it sounded like and there were


moments there that, in all honesty, we didn't put on the film. There was


a mother who lost a child whilst we were there and the noise that left


her body was the sound I'll never forget. Nobody should lose a child


for something that we can all prevent. YOU can make a difference.


WE can do all of this and we can all have a laugh and we can all watch


some telly for a few hours. But tonight you have the power to change


lives and you have the power to give kids a chance who, right now,


haven't got one. And I know it is hard for everybody, and I know


sometimes it feels like we are always asking you to give, but I'm


asking you for the next hour, get your phones out and to text - if you


can text "FIVE" or text "TEN" to 70510, you will be giving ?5 or ?10.


You won't be giving money, you will be giving hope and you will be


giving life. And you will be giving people a chance where there isn't


one. I can't tell you how it feels when you are in those places - and


we have been there. You don't have to go there to change lives. You


just have to get your phone out. It's that simple. Thanks for all you


have done so far and all you are going to do in the future. God


bless. Thank you very much, John. Texts will cost your donation plus


the standard message charge. For full-times, go to

:42:19.:42:21. -- full terms, go to


Watching that, being a new mum as well, I find... It does. I think


when you have children, we were talking before about our own kids,


it's a measure of your own life and it's heartbreaking to lose them


under any circumstances. But to lose them for the sake of a price of a


cappuccino. It is wrong. Yes. Thank you. Right, together, as a team, we


can change things. We can make a difference. And we really are here


all the way from LA with magic, it is cold play.


# Call it magic # Call it true


# I call it magic # When I'm with you


# And I just got broken # Broken into two


# Still I call it magic # When I'm next to you


# And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't


# No, I don't it's true # I don't, no I don't


# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you


# I don't, no I don't # No I don't, no I don't


# No, I don't it's true # I don't, no I don't


# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you


# Call it magic # Cut me into two


# And with all your magic # I disappear from view


# And I can't get over # Can't get over you


# Still I call it magic # Such a precious jewel


# And I don't and I don't and I don't and I don't


# No, I don't, it's true # I don't, no I don't


# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you


# I don't, no I don't # No I don't, no I don't


# No, I don't, it's true # I don't, no I don't


# No I don't, no I don't # Want anybody else but you


# Want to fall, fall so far # I want to fall, fall so hard


# And I call it magic # And I call it true


# I call it magic # And if you were to ask me


# After all that we've been through # Still believe in magic?


# Yes, I do # Of course I do.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you, thank you, thank you the


amazing Coldplay. Not only for that performance, but for their generous,


wait for it, ?260,000 donation to Jo Wiley and the radio around the world


challenge. Incredible. APPLAUSE


Unbelievably generous. I've been here all night and we've seen some


fantastic stuff. Tonight is just the beginning of the Sport Relief


weekend. Here's what's coming up on Sunday.


Join us on Sunday at 1. 15 on BBC One for the Sport Relief game show.


We'll be live from Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park for the sportiest day


of Sport Relief ever. Across the country, thousands of you will be


either cycling, swimming or just dog a mile, however you can. We will


bring you all the action, as well as celebrities taking on Olympic-sized


challenges in funny costumes. Get your trainers on, test your bike


bell and blow up those rubber wings. Don't miss the Sport Relief fun and


games. Sorry, mate, bit of a trouble with a astonishingle.


-- with a astonishingel. -- snorkel. Tune in on Sunday for the fun and


games. There's still time to sign up for the Sport Relief games. Details


on your screen now. Don't miss out. Time for our next guest, please


welcome from Seb's victorious team, Greg James, Sally Philips and


Richard bacon. Hello, welcome Team Bishop, Patrick


Kielty and Helen Skelton. He still has the hat on.?


APPLAUSE That's cute. Hi guys. How are you?


Sit on each others' laps maybe. I'll sit up here. It's like a school


photo. It's lovely. Richard, let's start with you. You brought it home


for your team tonight. Thank you so much. That must have felt so good.


It did feel good. It was terrifying having that position, at the end,


because it felt as though the result slightly depended on me not entirely


messing the entire thing up. Half the way down the final lap, I took a


massive mouthful of water, I couldn't breathe properly. I thought


I might have stop. I thought, wow, I'll be on BBC One, and looking like


a child who couldn't complete their 25-metre badge and we will lose


because of me. That did not happen. But let's have a look.


How hairy are you? Unbelievable. I am furious for the BBC for not


telling me there would be an underwater camera You could have had


a little wax or something. I know that now! There needs to be a


sponsored waxing of your arm pits. Let's do it right now.


Bring out the wax. That's not happening. Greg, you had a scuffle


with Flynn. -- Flynn toff. -- Flintoff and came out better. He's


such a beast. He's going to hunt you down. Is not my sport. I can do


danty dancing -- dainty dancing in the water, I can't do beastly


cycling. That's not for me. Shall we see that moment? Ol your myrrhs led


them over the line. Look at this from Freddie Flintoff. That's so


good. He clipped a few bikes. He was keen to do that from the start,


though. He was a bit kamikaze. I think you'll find, he won.


I've cycled with Freddie on a number of occasions, and a lot of people


that me coming last was a disappointment. It wasn't. I was


just getting out of his way. I knew what was coming. I want to talk


about a moment in the pool. #1y50 there's many -- There's many


moments. There's a kicking of the leg moment. Was it choreographed or


fighting for your life? The outfit suited you. I would have


got my bikini line done if they had come in that close!


nice mixture of both. Be honest, anyone who has ever weed in


got my bikini line done if they had come in that close! Did you stuff


some socks down there? How very dare you! Greg, you were in most of the


events there, the only one you weren't was an all female event. You


are no stranger to dressing up as a lady. I'm not sure if your


team-mates have seen this. Here is Greg in action. OK. This is so good.


What was this? A huge YouTube hit. The shame is, you can't unwatch


that. That's gone into your head now. It doesn't get any easier to


watch it, ever. I can do that. I can do stupid synchro swimming. It was


the swimming relay and the other one that I thought no. You have all done


brilliantly. We are so happy and thankful for what you did tonight.


That hat, slightly... It is distracting. He is breaking into


song. It was amazing to perform in the


Olympic venues. If it's raised loads of money, then it's job done. And


let's be honest, Greg, we will never be allowed to do it again. Joo-Ho


we've been banned. Thank you so much to both teams. Tonight we've seen


people take on challenges for Sport Relief, but the real stars of


tonight have been you, and all the many brilliant things that you've


done to raise millions of pounds for Sport Relief.


Here's just some of the many ways you've been pulling out all the


stops for Sport Relief 2014. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE


Thank you so much to all of you out there. You've been amazing and we're


so grateful for our fundraising total. What an amazing total. This


is ease -- this has easily been the biggest and best Sport Relief ever.


You can own some of the best bits forever, if you like. Here's an


exclusive look behind-the-scenes at Sport Relief's greatest day.


We're here to shoot the sketch that will start the World Cup song for


England this summer. We're here for Sport Relief doing a little sketch,


basically taking the make out of England and Gary. Is there going to


be a song really? Yeah, yeah. Gary, what do you know about making a


song? It's the video shoot today. We've shot part one of this sketch


in Manchester, a few weeks ago. The day has arrived to record the actual


song. This is Elliott, who's Gary Barlow's


musical director. He's going to look after us all today. I'm the natural


person to organise a song, get it together like this and lead. It I'm


football's equivalent of Bob Geldof. # Today this could be... #


# Today this could be the greatest day of our lives. #


That's it. Done, great. Brilliant. Nice and quiet. And...


# Today this could be the greatest... We will get all the


footballers down, and the rest of the artists down and record the


charity single shots. # And the world comes alive


# And the world... Being the best singer out of the footballers as


well, there's probably a few deaf ears out there, that's all I can


say. I thought you sounded pretty good Gary. Do you think? Bit of a


tenor. It's been brilliant. Just meeting


everyone and everyone being here and getting into the spirit of the World


Cup. Amazing characters, perfect day. Bless you. It's been a day to


remember. Brilliant. Guaranteed hit. APPLAUSE


What a voice. I am the world's worst singer. You can download the video


if you want, as well as a brilliant Only Fools and Horses package, which


you should, and loads of other goodies by going to iTunes, by


buying them you will give money to Sport Relief. Coming up: It's


another chance to see the full Only Fools and Horses sketch. But now,


time for a quick thank you to all the brilliant radio station that's


have supported Sport Relief this year. Thanks to the whole of BBC


Radio for radio around the world, a special thanks to Radio 1's Grimmy,


who did 12 hours on a bike and covered 1210 miles with the team.


Also radio's two Jo wiley, who did 26 hours on a tread mill.


Incredible. We thought they were all going, but they just won't leave! We


shall chat some more. We now have evidence of Paddy's package. Want to


see it? I was born with it. I have a reasonable idea what it is. Now it


is on your head! Let's check out and see his package!


All bought and paid for! That is so great. We all cheered! That is the


biggest thing to come out of Belfast since the Titanic! Helen, let's talk


about your gymnastic routine. There was a slight error at the end and


you hit the ball out of the way with your backside? I did a forward roll


on the advice of Nick Grimshaw. The ball hit me on the backside and


rolled away. I pretended it was still there. Let's see the moment.


That was quite an accomplishment. We should have got extra points for


that. Amazing. You can now go home and recover and rest and celebrate.


Give it up for our two magnificent teams.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE John and Lord Coe, thank you. Lift


it. Do it! Now, Radio 1's very own Grimmy got to go to Kenya this year


to see how your money helped so many people out there. Have a look. In


Kenya, and across the poorest parts of the world, pneumonia and


diarrhoea are leading causes of death in the under fives. When a


child gets sick here, it can be really serious and it can happen


really quickly. This doctor is starting his shift in


the acute paediatric ward where the sickest children in the hospital


teeter between life and death. Already today, a little boy lost his


fight. There are now four critically ill


children on the ward. Two of them have pneumonia and diarrhoea. Both


are conditions that can be prevented.


Emmanuel and his Mum have been in the ward even longer.


The doctor is concerned that Emmanuel's condition is not


improving. Emmanuel's heart has stopped. He's


no longer breathing. The doctor fights to bring him back.


Now, Hannah is in trouble. Dr David is worried her lungs are collapsing.


For the second time in a few hours, he fights to save a life. Hannah's


mother can barely watch. As night falls, Dr David has got his


patients through another day. Tomorrow, the fight starts over


again. If you have got a phone, you can


change someone's life. You can donate ?5 or ?10. Text "FIVE" or


text "TEN" to 70510. Thank you. Texts will cost your donation plus


the standard message charge. All of your donation will go to Sport


Relief. Ask the bill payer's permission. For more information, go


to Now, being a football manager is one of the


most stressful jobs you can do, sometimes you just need to relax and


have a bit of a laugh. Here's some doing just that.


A teacher at a Southampton school asked her class who supported


Southampton Football Club. They all raised their hands, except one young


lad. The teacher said to him, "Who do you support?" He said, "I support


Portsmouth because my mum and dad are Portsmouth supporters." The


teacher said, "If your mum and dad were morons would be you be a


moron?" "No, I would be a Southampton fan!" What do you call a


sleepwalking nun? A roaming Catholic! Did you hear about that


movie, Constipation? It never came out! What is brown and sits in the


forest? Winnie's poo! The kids have threw up all over the place this


morning, I told them, I put ginger in the curry. They love that cat!


I didn't believe them when they said my dad was stealing from his job as


a roadworker. When I got home all the signs were there. Two monkeys in


a bar. One says, "Put some more cold in!" What team does a pirate


support? Ah-senal! Got it? Why would Cinderella not be good at football?


Because she runs away from the ball! One day I met a fairy, she said she


would grant me one wish. I said I want to live forever. She said, I'm


sorry, I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine, I said, I


want to die when Scunthorpe United win the Premiership. The fairy said,


"You crafty sod!" I want to introduce some yoga here, I said to


the boys, "How flexible are you?" They said they can't do Tuesdays!


Why did the lobster get thrown out of the pub? It is giving all that!


Wayne Rooney has asked for a transfer. David Moyes has asked him


to put it in writing. That's the end of that one then! What do you call a


elephant that doesn't matter. An irrelevant! I have written a song


about a tortila. It's a bit of a wrap! APPLAUSE I'm having trouble


spelling Armageddon! It's not the end of the world!


Hilarious. Thanks to all the managers for doing that. You were


brilliant sports. Not brilliant comics! Coming up soon is another


chance to see Only Fools and Horses. Before that, it is time to say


another thank you and this time, Ricky Hatton is on hand to help us


out with a spot of DIY. I'm putting the finishing touches to a special


thing I have put together for all the people from SSE and all their


fantastic customers. They have all been doing an amazing job raising a


shed-load of money for Sport Relief, so have a quick look at this while I


get finished up. The staff have been pulling out all the stops by


dressing up, getting active and raising bucket-loads of cash for


Sport Relief. They have been doing sponsored boxer size, three-legged


races and a special relay carrying a Sport Relief cup the length of the


UK. Back already? Come on, I'm not done yet. Go on, off you go! The


general public have also been doing their bit. They have signed up to a


number of different schemes, with a ?2 donation being made to Sport


Relief. So well done to the customers, we can't thank you


enough. That's me all done. There is only one thing left for me to say to


all the staff and the wonderful customers, thank you so much.


Great stuff. Thank you so much. Let's find out what the SSE staff


and customers have raised. Let's have a look at that total.


That is phenomenal. You have been so generous tonight. Thank you so, so


very much. Here's one last chance to see David Tennant. If you haven't


text, please do so now. This is the only children's hospital


in the whole of Sierra Leone. I've come here to meet Margaret, who


works for a project, funded by Sport Relief. So this is the emergency


room? This is the emergency room. This is where we have patients


coming in, who are very sick. He was admitted on Monday with severe


malaria and anaemia. Ease on oxygen, is he? He is, but we are very short.


The children have to share? Yes, we do. Hello? Hi. Have they had a


diagnosis for her yet? OK, it's pneumonia. Right. These two. Who


have we got here? What's wrong? Do you see pneumonia more than anything


else at the moment? Yeah. Diseases like pneumonia could be prevented


with a simple vaccine that can cost as little as ?5 much a little bite


called Alusine -- little boy called Alusine is brought in by his


grandmother. The nursing staff are immediately concerned.


The pneumonia is causing his lungs to fill with fluid. He's struggling


to breathe. He needs oxygen urgently.


As the hospital staff try to stabilise him, Alusine's grandma can


only look on. Since his mum died in child birth, she's spent every day


by his side. Suddenly, there's a problem with the oxygen machine. The


main problem is the oxygen are not enough. There are four, five


connections, this child is not getting anything. The child need


oxygen. We have to move the child to ICU. But intensive care is full. So


there's no choice but to stay in this ward and continue sharing


oxygen. It's a desperate time for Alusine's grandma. Just a week ago


she was in this same ward with his twin brother. He sadly passed away.


It's hard. Because you're a parent, you're a grandparent yourself.


Something like this, you know, it just, it's too upsetting. Too


upsetting. His fighting spirit has touched the hearts of the nurses


here, but now they're becoming increasingly concerned. Whenever I


see them suffering from a disease that can be prevented, it pains me,


it hurts me. Because I know if earlier they come, it would have


been prevented. They would not come to this stage. I am praying that he


will recover, but the condition is not good.


I just pray that nothing happens to him. There's this connection between


me and him. As soon as I go near him, he knows that I'm there. I just


hope that he gets better. I'm really sorry to tell you this but Alusine


didn't make it. That's tragic. But what makes it worse is that it's not


a one-off. Between the time that I'm standing here and the time that you


end up watching this, it's likely that hundreds of children will have


lost their lives from condition that's can be totally prevented.


This can't be a normal thing. Children dying can't be normal.


Their lives are not disposable. So please, if you've ever even


considered giving on a night like this, please, do it now. Anything


you give has the power to do something incredible. I promise you,


we'll keep trying to stop this. The number is: 03457 910 910. Thank you.


To give either ?5 or ?10 text the word five or ten to 70510. Texts


cost your donation plus the standard message charge. For full terms visit

:16:55.:16:59. Relief. Now, it's time for what everyone


agrees, I think, is the biggest thing on Sport Relief. We've


certainly left the best till last. Is it time for Only Fools and


Horses. No, no, not quite yet. It's time for the technical and mobile


partner thank you. Bear with. Impressive.


Thank you. We are nearing the end of Sport Relief at the Copper Box


arena. This place will be a sports centre tomorrow morning. Has a


Saddam what class -- Davina has a zumba class at 8am. And I have


jazzercise. We know how you love that. We have been raising money for


around six hours and there's masses of fundraising money coming in. But


we can have a look at what we have got so far. Sport Relief's grand


total for tonight is... A massive amount.


APPLAUSE What an incredible total! That is


mind blowing. That is incredible. You are so extraordinarily generous.


Thank you so much. What an amount! That is nearly it for tonight. Thank


you all so much for that incredible amount of money. And for watching.


Yet, thank you for donating. Your money will do so many incredible


things for amazing people. Feel really good for yourselves. Thank


you so much. Good luck if you're taking part in the Sport Relief


Games on Sunday. Tune in to the Sport Relief Games show at 1. 15pm


Sunday afternoon. As a special treat for all of you who have stayed up,


it's time to go over to Peckham for Beckham in Only Fools and Horses.


Bye. Bye-bye. Snment # Stick a pony in me pocket


# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van


# Cos if you want the best... # All right, come on, then!


Gather round, everybody! Gather round here! Come along, I am not


contagious. Listen, I've got a very special offer for you today. This is


a once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-repeated offer in


top-of-the-range men's fashion. I have here authentic David Beckham


underpants. Now, listen, before you rush in and tear me limb from limb,


and just to give you a better idea of what we're talking about, I have


got my younger brother Rodney to model a pair for you. Rodney! Look


at that. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it, eh? These are 100%


man-made cotton and they're fully elasticated. And as you can see,


they've got a very handy button-up fly in case you're taken short. You


know what I mean, don't you? Right. But just to show you what makes


these very special, Rodney, turn around, if you please. Come on,


don't be shy! Come on! Right! Here is the speciality. Da-da! Yes, each


one of these has been personally signed by none other than


Goldenballs himself. No, this is true, straight up. Because it just


so happens that Becks is a personal friend of mine. Isn't he, Rodney?


I'm going to kill you. He's a card, isn't he, eh? No, you see, he owed


me a favour because it was me what arranged the bouncy castle for his


son Brookside's 12th birthday party. You see... No, this is absolutely


true, straight up! Now come on, this is a special offer, you won't see


this again. They normally retail at ?10 but I'm knocking them out for


you, ?4.50. Come on, ?4.50. Tell you what - two for ?9. Two for ?9.


Any...? Come on. Let's clear up and get out of here, get down the caff,


have a bacon sarnie, eh? You better take those off, you look like a


right dipstick. MUSIC: "Waterloo Sunset" by the


Kinks. That is the last time, Del. And I


mean it this time. What are you moaning about now? That is the last


time I let you talk me into degrading myself all for the sake of


one of your little schemes. Look, Rodney, these are hard times. We've


all got to make little sacrifices here and there. All right, then. If


we've all got to make sacrifices, next time you can wear them. Don't


be stupid! I've got a reputation to uphold. And did you at any moment


think about MY reputation? Yes, I did. And that's why you're wearing


them. You know, I honestly thought you'd changed. But no, you're just


the same old Del, ploughing through life without the slightest


consideration for anyone else's feelings. That hurts, Rodney. That


really hurts. You just tell me one time, just one, when I have ignored


you or hurt your feelings. And don't go on about that painting


competition. Or the Peckham Pouncer. Or the time I turned the knob up on


the sunbed and made your face go red. All right, then. What about


when I was 11, and you and your mates was bored so you asked me to


play hide and seek and I hid in that big chest thing you'd bought. Oh,


yeah! That was a good place to hide. Nobody thought of looking in there,


did they? No. And you all sodded off down the pub in the end, didn't you?


Do you remember that? Yeah, well, we got fed up looking for you, didn't


we? Four and a half hours, I was in that thing. took the game


too seriously. We'd all finished playing by then. No-one thought to


tell me, though, did they? No, because we didn't know where you was


hiding! There was a dodgy lock on that thing. Well, how was I supposed


to know that?! You fitted it! Oh, did I? I thought I was going to


suffocate. Then why didn't you bang on the lid? Or shout, or something?


Because then you would have known where I was hiding! All right,


Rodney, look. I'm sorry that you got locked in that chest. But we've got


more important matters to focus on, eh? Like the fact that we are


currently lumbered with 200 pairs of men's pants that some git has


scribbled over. What you looking at me for? You asked me to sign them.


And if I asked you to go out into the high street wearing a sarong,


would you? Well... It's all right, David, he's not blaming you. Are


you, Del. Yes. All right, he is blaming you. I just don't know what


the world is coming to. Really, I don't. Here I am, an


ex-multi-millionaire... "Ex" being the operative word there. And I've


got you, with two GCEs, and a footballing legend who makes Boycie


look like a pauper, and we can't flog a pair of pants between us!


Boxer-briefs. What? They're boxer-briefs. What are? The pants!


Well, that's what I said. What is he on about? I'm just glad that we're


not in that Dragons' Den, because God knows what Alec Sugar would have


made of all this. It was your idea to have Rodney model them. Oh, so


it's my fault now, is it? Look, I didn't want to wear the stupid


bloody things in the first place. Oh, shut up, you tart. You know,


he's got a point there, Rodney. You could have shown a bit more


enthusiasm. It's always been your problem, that has. In case you two


hadn't noticed, I am not an underwear model. I am a middle-aged


fly-pitcher who drives a three-wheel van, and above all else, I do not


look like that. It's just any old excuse with you, though, isn't it,


eh? Anyway, I only suggested you do it because he wouldn't. But Del, I


can't go walking around in public in just my underwear. The last time I


did that, Fergie almost killed me. Anyway, why are you wearing them


glasses? These? Yeah. To be honest, I thought that, you know, if I was


to wear these, no-one would recognise me, and I could be a


little bit, you know...incognitive. Yeah. Good thinking. Rodders, have


you really got two GCEs? Yeah. I've got one in maths and one in art. I


love art. Yeah, it's good, innit? Who's your favourite artist? That's


a tough one. Er, I'd probably have to say Matisse, because I don't


think anyone could get near the way he could convey intensity through


the use of pure colour, you know? I mean, Matisse did for colour what


Picasso did for form. How about you? I love Tony Hart. That Morph cracks


me up. Are you two all done? Oh, yeah. OK, can we get back to our


problem? Now, I think, at the end of the day, we're going to have to


accept that we are in a classic case of bouchee a la Rene, as they say in


the Alsack. Why don't you get Damien to model them? He's young. Rodney,


do you really expect me to ask my son to go and stand in the market


out there looking like a slab of meat while people gawp at him? I


mean, that kind of humiliation could scar him for the rest of his life.


You're already scarred, so one more wouldn't hurt, you see. What about


Trigger? Hmm? Oh, leave it out. Asking Trigger for help's like


asking Ozzy Osbourne to look after your bats. I'm sorry, Rodney, but


you are stuck with the pants. Cosmic. You see, Rodney, most people


think modelling is all about standing there looking great. But it


isn't! Actually, it is, but there's more to it than that. Ah, now,


listen, Rodney. This is the horse's mouth speaking. Just remember - a


good model doesn't just walk... He glides. A good model doesn't just


turn... They oscillate. Glides. Yeah. Oscillates. Exactly. Right,


come on, gather round, everybody! Get closer, come on, darling. Look


at this. Look at the attention to detail here. Look at the


craftsmanship. You don't get that care and love in underpants these


days, do you? Derek... Hmm? I am going to kill you. Are you David


Beckham? I am! But don't tell anyone. I don't want to draw any


attention to myself, all right? OK. Good boy.




What a plonker! # We got some half-price cracked ice


# And miles and miles of carpet tiles...


All right, come on, let's clear out of here.


# ..Ball games, gold chains # Whatsernames and then I'll push


# Trevor Francis tracksuits # From a mush in Shepherd's Bush


Download Subtitles