The Best Bits Sport Relief

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Hello, sport sport, 2014! Hello and

welcome to the show. And what a show it is going to be.

# So do you darnings do you dance, do you dance, quick

# Mama tell me what is the word. # Tell your brother and your mama

too # Cos they're about to go down

# And you know what to do # Wave your hands in the air

# Like you don't care # People start to look and stare

# Do your dance # Do your dance quick

# Mama, come on baby # Tell me what's the word

# word up # Everybody say

# When you hear the call you have to get it underway

# Word up # It's the coded word

# No matter where you say it # You know you will be heard

# Are you sulker DJ # Do you think you are fly

# There must be a reason # You try to put on the act, act

real cool # But you're acting like a fool

# We don't have the psychological romance

# No romance # No romance for me

# Mama come on, baby # Tell me what's the word

# Word up # Everybody say

# When you hear the call you're got to get it under way

# Word up # It's the code of word

# No matter where you say it # You know that you'll be heard.

Sport we leaf is exactly the thing that the BBC should be involved in

driving upwards, indeed in any direction.

# We're come coming up # So do do your dance

# Do your dance, quick # Mama, come on, baby

# What's the word # Word up Give me some! Give me

some! Why are you wearing the glasses? I thought that I would be a

little incog neatow! # No matter where you say it

# You know you will be heard. I will not be defeated!

Hello! Well, last night sport sport raised a staggering amount of money

here at the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park. I have the scars to prove it.

I have picked the best bits from Strictly Come Dancing to Clash of

the Titans and a special Only Fools And Horses. Right, it is time for

the first best bit. I started, so I will finish, it is Master mind.

So, welcome back to this special footballers' edition of Celebrity

Mastermind. Let's recap the scores. Scott Parker, his specialist subject

was Pingu. He score scored zoer points.

And Michael Dawson, his specialist subject was himself, he score scored

zero points. And Jack Wilshere, whose specialist subjects was

Shakespeare, got zero points. Scott Parker, if you would like to make

your way to the chair. This chair sh Yeah, the Mastermind

chair. The show we are doing now.

Right, complete the title Strictly come... Match of the Day.

Which 1982 film, told the life story of the Indian leader, Mahatma

Gandhi? Bend it like Beckham? Gandhi.

England and France are separated by which Channel? Sky Sports 1.

David Cameron and George Osborne were famously members of which club?

I know this one, I have seen them in there, it is China White's.

The bulling den Club. You scored zero points.

I did better than I expected. Michael Dawson, please.

Oh, he's a big boy. Thank you.

Your time starts now. Which elegant British bird is famous for having a

long neck. Keira Nightly.

A swan. Which prince is next in line to the thrown? Fresh Prince.

The Amazon is famous for being the world's longest what? Website?

River. Which is the smallest ant in the

world? Ant out of Ant and Dec. Celebrity Big Brother was won by

which blue entertainer? Papa Smurf? After that round, Michael, you have

a total of zero points. It's a clean sheet! OK.

The final competitor, Jack Wilshere, please.

Quick as you can. Now, Jack, we really need you to get

a point. Just one point, OK? Yep. Good boy.

Had your tea? Yeah. Have you had a wee? Yeah.

OK, your time starts now. Which yellow fruit is used to make

lemonade? Pass. Lemons.

Turkish Delights come from which country? Pass.

Turkey! Which character is played by Daniel Radcliffe in the Harry Potter

film? Pass. Harry Potter! The house of the American President, the White

House, is painted which colour? Pass.

White! In the popular sport, football, which you play, I have

started so I will finish, in the popular sport, football, the act of

one player kicking the ball to a team-mate is called a what? You know

this, Jack, you do know it. You're right, shoot.

It's pass! Which mean, at the end of today's show, Scott Parker, Michael

Dawson and Jack Wilshere, are all on zero points.

We did it! That is all for the first and probably the last, let's face

it, Mastermind. Good night. How do you comfort someone who feels

isolated and completely alone? For 65 years we were together all the

time. What can you do help a family whose

home has been destroyed? I couldn't stop shaking. Sorry.

How would you make life easier for a mum struggling to buy food for her

children? She is my life. I will keep eating for her.

How can can you be there for someone battling mental illness? I thought I

was worthless, that I didn't need to live anymore.

What could you say to a child to make things better after they lose

their mum? It is the hardest thing ever.

Tonight, right here in the UK, there are thousands of people who need

help. I am lighting my candle for my dad.

I miss him lots and lots. The hardest thing is to know that

she won't get better. Never mind. Sometimes it is hard to know the

answer... To find the right words... Or to know what to do to make their

lives any better... But 50% of all sport sport donation donations helps

over 2,000 projects in the UK, dedicated to doing just that.

I have bad day but I know now how to control them.

Whether it is a hot meal... Or just a shoulder to cry on.

Every penny donated tonight is going to I make a difference.

It is going to help the people who really need it.

Good boy. It will change lives.

So now you now how to help... The rest is up to you.

Thank you. It is not too late to make a

difference. Please give whatever you can. You can choose to donate either

?5 or ?10. Coming up now, four stars of the

Paralympics G B team swap the track for the ballroom.

From London, this is sport sport does Strictly Come Dancing. Please,

welcome your host, Tess Daly! -- Sport Relief.

Thank you very much, good evening and welcome to the very special

Sport Relief, Strictly Come Dancing! Yes, we missed you so much we are

back for one night only. Tonight we have four of the country's top

Paralympians, swapping the track and field for the Strict Strictly

ballroom. But tonight they are competing to

get their hands on the glitterball medal, so let's meet them. I'm David

Clarke. I play football for England and Great Britain. I am Martine

Wright Wright. I am on the Great Britain's Women's volley ball team.

I am Nathan Steven, I throw javelin for Great Britain. I am Hannah

Willcox. It seems surreal. My dreams came true in 18. 5 seconds.

A gold medal for Great Britain, Hannah Cockcroft! Mreeshgs welcome

our dancers! Yes, they are here! The huge welcome

to all of you. Good sequin action, Martine. They

are going to be performing together tonight. The judges will be looking

at their individual performances will stop the couple deemed to have

danced the best will win the coveted glitter ball medal. Martine, as

athletes, you are all very driven. All the think about the competition

tonight? We have four Paralympic Games on the floor, so bring it on!

Nathan, show us the guns! He is a strong boy! We need some glamorous

judges to match the dancers, so welcome them! There they are. And

you will notice we have a very special guest judge tonight, he has

competed in four Paralympic Games and has won no less than ten gold

medals! Dressage legend Lee Pearson! Welcome, judges. Lovely to see you

all, as ever. Lee, have you been practising your dance critic? I am

replacing a very strict person sat here. Just because you are in

Craig's chair, doesn't mean you have to be horrible. Let's see how these

competitive athletes got on in training.

One was born, I had 2-macro cardiac arrests within 24 hours, the doctor

said I would never walk. My ninth birthday, a freight train was going

past, being the adventurous, silly child I was, decided to jump on one

of the ladders. I slipped and my legs were caught under. I was born

with congenital glaucoma. It deteriorated over time. I got on the

cheap and then for about ten minutes after that, just had a huge white

flash in front of my eyes. I thought we had had a crush, but it was one

of the suicide bombers that decided to hit London that morning. I looked

down after being in a coma, nothing was there. Because my legs had gone.

I've lived all my life now with no legs, this is who I am. I don't

figure I would be here talking to you if it wasn't for rediscovering

sport again. Everything I have today, I owe it to sport. When I had

legs, I would be the first one on the dance floor, to be able to dance

again is absolutely amazing. My wife helped the danced on our wedding

day, so my dance experience is about three minutes! I am restricted

because I don't really know what to do. The someone who has no feet, I

am addicted to shoes so I am intrigued to see what but where I am

wearing and if I can keep them! -- what footwear. It is a good job he

has the moves because he can scoot out of the way and it's all right! I

text is one of my friends this morning and said my brain was

frazzled, that's because I want to get it right. We had a view fly away

legs early on. I had to watch myself! He is becoming a dancer. I

can feel the world champion spirit. I feel I am getting a work-out being

pulled around by you. He can't do a runner, can't be that bad! I never

thought I would be able to get up on my legs and dance, it's an amazing

feeling but the pain isn't! I was sceptical at the start of the week

but I am enjoying it. Saturday night might be different from now on!

Please welcome our competitors and their partners to the dance floor.

That was absolutely brilliant. That was superb, and Olympic effort from

all of you. But who is going to get gold? While you get your breath

back, let's see what our judges thought. What did you make, Len?

Tell you what, the music was fireworks and I thought there were

plenty of fireworks going on out there. But I must talk a moment

about Nathan. Personality. I tell you what, I thought you were

terrific. Well done to you. Bruno, did it put you in a spin? My head is

racing, like you have no idea! Didn't they all do well? Come on!

You are all champions to my eyes. But somebody took my eye and it is

you, Hannah! She went all touchy-feely, really participating

in the performance. You are a hot chick, aren't you? Lee, it's your

debut tonight as well as theirs, were you impressed? I didn't know

what to expect, I did know whether it would be static or like wacky

races gone mad, with the wheelchairs! Nathan might have the

muscles but David managed a spectacular balanced powerful left.

Superb! What did you think, Darcy? None of you showed any nerves but

what stood out for me is Martine. I think you showed feeling and passion

and all the way through, you focused on Ian and I understand what that's

like, it's difficult take your eyes off Ian! Formidable team, those

too. Great chemistry. We will leave you to confer and deliberate while

you choose your winner. Hannah, you looked like you were genuinely

loving every single moment of that, how much funded you have? It has

been phenomenal, I have loved every second of it. David, as a

footballer, was that one of the hardest things you have ever had to

tackle? It was just incredible, we need to rumble why we have been

working so hard, it's for Sport Relief, it's a privilege to be

involved and working with this lady has been an absolute pleasure.

Martine, how have you found it dancing and twirling on the dance

floor? It has been amazing, the team has been fantastic. Whose dream

wouldn't be swung round the dance floor by a six foot five dancer? I

loved it! You haven't put him down! Just to rediscover dance again has

been amazing. Now I will be the first one on that dance floor! All

right! Nathan, do you think you did your wife proud? Does he get the

thumbs up? Sums up? Congratulations! Right, it's time to see who is going

to take home the Sport Relief middle.

So our judges have conferred, head judge Len, have you chosen your

champion? Yes, we have. Would you please reveal who the judges have

chosen as your Sport Relief champion of 2014? Well, let me say, it was a

very, very close run thing. You could make a case for any one of our

four couples winning, but after a long debate, we have come to a

decision. Our Sport Relief champions are... Hannah and Pasha!

Come on over! How happy are you? I am amazed! I didn't notice that! You

did brilliantly. Huge commiserations to the rest of you, have you had

fun? Yes! Hannah and Pasha, if you would like to wear these glitter

ball medals with pride... Congratulations. You the Sport

Relief Strictly Come Dancing champions! Yes! Well done to our

winners and a big thank you to all of our wonderful competitors. Thank

you so much for taking part. You have been great sports. Thanks to

you at home for watching and donating. Please give everything you

can, it really will make a difference. Remember, keep giving!

Could not! Two years ago I travelled to Sierra

Leone, as we all know, it's a poor country that I went to one of the

poorest areas. So many things there that shocked me, surprised become

stayed with me for a very long time. I met an 11-year-old girl. Her story

particularly moved me. Because some of the challenges she faced in her

life, no child should have to face. Can you explain where we are?

You can see why. What are your worries for the future? What are the

things you worry about? You lost your sister and you worry

you will die too? But since then, because of your donation, I've been

told that things have changed, driementally in that little girl's

life. Sport Relief-funded projects have

helped her find a new home. They now have access to clean water,

communal toilets, and the little girl is going to school.

You're making the difference. These are the things that really, really

matter. The good stories. The things that show you, you are changing

lives, right now. Please keep your donations coming

in. And remember, there is a smile somewhere waiting to happen.

Thank you. The little girl's story show what is

a huge difference you can make. Please pick up your phone and text:

Coming up now, it is Clash of the Titans.

Clash of the Titans! Tonight, it is all about one

evening, and two men can stand face-to-face.

I have heard that John Bishop is pretty competitive, but for me sport

has always been about taking part... And the medals, the big gold, shiny

medals. I think it is brilliant he has a

couple of medals, just bear in mind, I could have won a race.

Has he r won anything? Now it is time to settle this.

At the end of the night we can go our separate ways.

John doesn't stand a chance but don't tell him.

The training looks like it has been o going well. It is tough. This is

the halfway stage. You are doing all right. You are OK. You have your

nose in front. . Yeah, the team has the nodes in

front, but everyone will know I am disappointed by my performance. I

feel I can contribute more. We have had e-mails saying that was

appalling, the cycling, from Africa! So this the event to get my pride

and self-esteem back. It is the sport I always think of you doing,

rythmic gymnastics. Sebastian Coe, you have a bit to do? Yes, we have

but this is the moment, come theeth the hour, cometh the team.

That's not the first time you have said that to me, get your track suit

off! Off you go! Seb, you have brought the Olympics to London, you

are an MP, here you are been to do gymnastics in Lycra.

Well, it is a really tough sport. I am not telling you that, you know,

but we started training, this is complicated. It is all for a very

good cause. . So dig deep.

Sleep, do what the man says. Let's join our commentary team now.

We have Much Fener and Christine Still.

We are on the edge of our seats. Down there are three experienced

rythmic gymnastic judges to assess the performances. Judging each team

out of ten. The winning team gets the maximum points.

I think this is going to be great. The heat is really on.

It is time for the first performance. They look fabulous.

Make some noise for Team Bishop! And they stride on to the mat. Full of

confidence. Resplendent in Lycra.

So, it is Team Bishop. What an opener.

Yes, football skills to the forehere.

And there is the mover of the trio. He snake, death row, great catch.

Very good work. Oh, and Helen is on show with the ball there. She is

away now. The action woman, really being

tested here. A lofty throw and a nice pivot

underneath. Well done, Helen. And here he comes. He is snaking his way

through. Using that rhythm.

He is preparing for the big throw. Well! Well, a little snag.

And now for the big ending, she's missed 2! What a pity for Helen!

Smiling through adversity. Well, that was a little bit of a

disappointment. The aim is to finish with the apparatus, but what a

great, expressive, fun performance that was. Nick Grimshaw took to that

sport! Well, the snakes with the ribbon, then the throw, what do you

think, Chris? Full of confidence. That throw was well-caught.

The ball is probably one of the more difficult apparatus. A nice

cartwheel there. And here is John Bishop, the man

himself, snaking his way through with the ribbon. Look at the focus

on the face. Look at the tight buttocks, the body

was welcome perfect. I know but this is the thing that I

care about the most. Cycling is one thing but this is what matters to

me. We felt like one, me and the ribbon.

I could not perform, watching you two! And natural? I think that

gymnastics is so masculine. Helen, shame about the ball? That was

intentional. Yes, throw the ball away at the end.

Throw your ball away, throw your money away.

Oh! Now, let's see if that made a difference, the scores are in.

That's 23 out of 30. Are you happy with that? Look, we don't know. We

don't know what the other team have got in their locker. All I can say

is that I'm proud of her performance. If the judges are not

up with the modern gymnastics, that is not my fault.

You have set the benchmark very high. Let's see what the others have

to offer. It is Team Coe! Now, look at the focus. The smile is gone. He

is focussing on this. This is important for Seb and his team.

They can see a little opportunity here.

There we are. We're away. The ribbon and hoop in Unison.

They will be hoping, oh, nice little turn from Olly Murs.

And look at him move. He's loving it. High up on his feet.

Pif pivots and a cartwheel to boot. Sally Phillips, looking good. And

getting into it. A lively, vital performance here.

Just what Team Coe needed. And now she kicks the hoop away.

She doesn't care. Now here we are. Sebastian Coe with the focus.

Stand by for something special. Look at that.

There's a flourish. Snaking and spiralling his way to a good score,

he hopes. Team Coe! That was impressive. A

very impressive performance. They packed it in there. SebCoe showing

his early training there, Much. Yes. Just as graceful there as he was on

the track. And Olly Murs, a great favourite

with the crowd. Lots of rhythm. Lots of moves.

And Sally had a little problem but she enjoyed this bit.

Yes, selling the routine as you would expect. It is all about the

performance. Here come comes Seb with the trademark jump. Very

steely, lots of confidence. Who knew that middle distance

running was such great preparation for this sport.

I was once described as the Nureyev of the track.

Beautiful. Shall we see if it managed to get

you the scores to beat Team Bishop. I understand that the judges have

made their decision. Wow! Three nines! 27 out of 30.

Well, that is an incredible result. An incredible result from the team.

Let's see what the commentators have to say.

Well, that was absolutely fabulous performance. Here are Team Coe

taking the four points ahead of Team Bishop.

This is the moment, give it up for Team Coe!

John Bishop has stolen the trophy! John Bishop is still uncontrollable.

We may never get the trophy back again. He has gone with the trophy.

And finally, thank you to everyone here in the Aquatic Centre. And in

the Velodrome, you have been a great support. He is back. He has put it

into the hands to which it belongs. Thank you for watching.

We are here at Wembley. We are about to try to sit on 45,000 seats.

Myself and Robbie. When you are asked to do the

challenge, you think it will be easy but when you see the seats it is

horrendous mentally and physically. We're off! I didn't think it would

be as hard as that but it is very, very difficult.

When is the next break? Hard on the hips and the hands where you push

off. Before the last break I was 12 seats

ahead, but I think he is more. I expect him to be a few ahead. I am

not looking forward to tomorrow one bit. It will be hard.

Oh! This morning was horrendous. I was stiff, sore. I had to roll out

of bed. I could not tie my shoe laces.

It is a great view. Even better on Friday night when we have finished.

Seat after seat after seat! At the moment, everything is hurting.

It is a lot tougher challenge than people think. Sitting down all day,

how easy can that be? Here is Sir Steven. Delighted another rest! I

felt bad yesterday, I feel worse today.

I felt like giving up today, but raising the money made me carry on!

Come on, Chelsee! Ouch it is hurting! I am exhausted. Halfway.

I wish I could say it is all downhill from now on.

Today we are going to try to set a Guinness World Record for the most

number of seats sat on in 60 seconds.

Well done, Robbie, you just got a world record.

When people talk about the magic of Wembley, you will not join in on

that, will you? We are in pain here. But it is worth every single seat

for the money we will raise. Another few thousand and seats to

go. The end is in sight.

Come on! OK, this is exciting. Another Sport

Relief gym. Performing this pop classic for the first time when UK

television in 25 years, this is Kylie Minogue!

# Especially for you. # I wanna let you know what I was going though. #

All the time we were apart. # I thought of you. # You were in my

heart. # My love never changed. # I still feel the same. # Especially

for you. # I wanna tell you I was feeling that way too. # And if

dreams were wings, you know. # I would have flown to you. # To be

where you are. # And now we're back together, together # I wanna show

you my heart is oh so true # And all the love I have is # Especially for

you # Especially for you # I wanna tell you you mean all the world to

me # How I'm # For get the loneliness and the

sorrow. # On did say it's all because of you

and now were back together. # Together.

# I want to show you my heart is oh so true.

# And all the love I have is especially for you.

# Together. # Together. Visit macro I want to

show you my heart is oh so true. # And all the love I have is

especially for you. APPLAUSE AND Little Mix travel to a hospital in

Liberia to find out about one of Sport Relief's projects.

In Liberia, we were lucky enough to meet some amazing kids. But

unfortunately, we also met some kids for whom life is really, really

tough. In this hospital, we learnt that malaria still kills a child in

Africa every single minute. Malaria is the number one cause of death in

this hospital. They are sick kids everywhere we

look. Nearly all of them have illnesses that could easily have

been prevented and now some of them are fighting for their lives.

Many of these kids have got malaria because they didn't have a mosquito

net to sleep under. Four-year-old Anthony has been admitted with a

severe case of malaria. As the doctors tried to treat him, Anthony

screams for his mum but all she can do is comfort him, wait and hope for

the best because in some cases of malaria, the disease can affect the

brain. The death rate is, for every ten you

see, you may lose three or four. Nothing can prepare you for what you

are going to see. It's so much to take in. Everybody should have a

chance to experience this to themselves and see what these

children have to go through. More than anything, it's frustrating. As

much as we take things for granted, they can get given a mosquito net

and it's done, there is no reason for them to get ill, losing three

out of ten kids, there is no reason, because it's ?5 for an net.

It's so hard to see. It's obviously a shock. But the worst thing is, for

the mothers, it's not really a shock. It's almost as if they expect

the worst. I think a lot of people think our

generation don't do anything and this is a perfect example to change

that. So please, please, give what you can. It really, really does

help, ?5 can save a child is life. Now for the next best bit! Hello and

welcome to a special addition. Mock The Week for Sport Relief. This

round is called Between The Lines, and in it we feature Wimbledon hero

and sporting legend Andy Murray delivering a speech as if at a press

conference, and Hugh will tell us what he really means. The role of

Andy Murray will be played by Andy Murray tonight. Take it away. Good

evening, everyone. I can't tell you how desperate I was to be part of

tonight's events. It was either this or another knock-up with Ivan Lendl

and my mum. I hope that by joining in tonight I'll be able to show you

the real me behind the public image. LAUGHTER.

Sport Relief is a really worthwhile cause that I'm proud to be part of.

It's a bit of a pain, innit? Tennis has enabled me to achieve things I

could never have dreamt of. Have you seen my girlfriend? Eh?

This is a great era for British tennis. This is a great era for

Scottish tennis. I love playing in front of Wimbledon

crowds and thank them for their support. Stop shouting "Come on,

Tim!", for God's sake. I'm very proud to have done something that no

Scotsman has ever achieved before. I'm very proud to be the first

Scotsman to eat a banana on national television. I really can't thank my

mum Judy enough. Since forgetting to give my mum a hug... After winning

Wimbledon, she really can't remind me of it enough. It was great to win

Wimbledon, , and the next thing is to knuckle down and go on to win

even more. Job done. Party! At the end of that round, ladies and

gentlemen, the points go to Hugh Dennis and Andy Murray!

So here it is, stirring the second best looking David in show business,

this is what happened when Beckham came to Peckham.

Come along, come along, I am not contagious. This is a

once-in-a-lifetime never to be repeated offer in top of the range

of men's fashion. Now, listen, before you rush in and tear me limb

from limb, and just to give you a better idea of what we're talking

about, I have got my younger brother Rodney to model a pair for you.

Rodney! Look at that. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it, eh? These

are 100% man-made cotton and they're fully elasticated. And as you can

see, they've got a very handy button-up fly in case you're taken

short. You know what I mean, don't you? Right. But just to show you

what makes these very special, Rodney, turn around, if you please.

Come on, don't be shy! Come on! Right! Here is the speciality.

Da-da! Yes, each one of these has been personally signed by none other

than Goldenballs himself. No, this is true, straight up. Because it

just so happens that Becks is a personal friend of mine. Isn't he,

Rodney? I'm going to kill you. He's a card, isn't he, eh? No, you see,

he owed me a favour because it was me what arranged the bouncy castle

for his son Brookside's 12th birthday party. You see... No, this

is absolutely true, straight up! Now come on, this is a special offer,

you won't see this again. They normally retail at ?10 but I'm

knocking them out for you, ?4.50. Come on, ?4.50. Tell you what - two

for ?9. Two for ?9. Any...? Come on. Let's clear up and get out of here,

get down the caff, have a bacon sarnie, eh? You better take those

off, you look like a right dipstick. MUSIC: "Waterloo Sunset" by the

Kinks. That is the last time, Del. And I

mean it this time. What are you moaning about now? That is the last

time I let you talk me into degrading myself all for the sake of

one of your little schemes. Look, Rodney, these are hard times. We've

all got to make little sacrifices here and there. All right, then. If

we've all got to make sacrifices, next time you can wear them. Don't

be stupid! I've got a reputation to uphold. And did you at any moment

think about MY reputation? Yes, I did. And that's why you're wearing

them. You know, I honestly thought you'd changed. But no, you're just

the same old Del, ploughing through life without the slightest

consideration for anyone else's feelings. That hurts, Rodney. That

really hurts. You just tell me one time, just one, when I have ignored

you or hurt your feelings. And don't go on about that painting

competition. Or the Peckham Pouncer. Or the time I turned the knob up on

the sunbed and made your face go red. All right, then. What about

when I was 11, and you and your mates was bored so you asked me to

play hide and seek and I hid in that big chest thing you'd bought. Oh,

yeah! That was a good place to hide. Nobody thought of looking in there,

did they? No. And you all sodded off down the pub in the end, didn't you?

Do you remember that? Yeah, well, we got fed up looking for you, didn't

we? Four and a half hours, I was in that thing. Well...you took the game

too seriously. We'd all finished playing by then. No-one thought to

tell me, though, did they? No, because we didn't know where you was

hiding! There was a dodgy lock on that thing. Well, how was I supposed

to know that?! You fitted it! Oh, did I? I thought I was going to

suffocate. Then why didn't you bang on the lid? Or shout, or something?

Because then you would have known where I was hiding! All right,

Rodney, look. I'm sorry that you got locked in that chest. But we've got

more important matters to focus on, eh? Like the fact that we are

currently lumbered with 200 pairs of men's pants that some git has

scribbled over. What you looking at me for? You

asked me to sign them. And if I asked you to go out into the high

street wearing a sarong, would you? Well... It's all right, David, he's

not blaming you. Are you, Del. Yes. All right, he is blaming you. I just

don't know what the world is coming to. Really, I don't. Here I am, an

ex-multi-millionaire... "Ex" being the operative word there. And I've

got you, with two GCEs, and a footballing legend who makes Boycie

look like a pauper, and we can't flog a pair of pants between us!

Boxer-briefs. What? They're boxer-briefs. What are? The pants!

Well, that's what I said. What is he on about? I'm just glad that we're

not in that Dragons' Den, because God knows what Alec Sugar would have

made of all this. It was your idea to have Rodney model them. Oh, so

it's my fault now, is it? Look, I didn't want to wear the stupid

bloody things in the first place. Oh, shut up, you tart. You know,

he's got a point there, Rodney. You could have shown a bit more

enthusiasm. It's always been your problem, that has. In case you two

hadn't noticed, I am not an underwear model. I am a middle-aged

fly-pitcher who drives a three-wheel van, and above all else, I do not

look like that. It's just any old excuse with you, though, isn't it,

eh? Anyway, I only suggested you do it because he wouldn't. But Del, I

can't go walking around in public in just my underwear. The last time I

did that, Fergie almost killed me. Anyway, why are you wearing them

glasses? These? Yeah. To be honest, I thought that, you know, if I was

to wear these, no-one would recognise me, and I could be a

little bit, you know...incognitive. Yeah. Good thinking. Rodders, have

you really got two GCEs? Yeah. I've got one in maths and one in art. I

love art. Yeah, it's good, innit? Who's your favourite artist? That's

a tough one. Er, I'd probably have to say Matisse, because I don't

think anyone could get near the way he could convey intensity through

the use of pure colour, you know? I mean, Matisse did for colour what

Picasso did for form. How about you? I love Tony Hart. That Morph cracks

me up. Are you two all done? Oh, yeah. OK,

can we get back to our problem? Now, I think, at the end of the day,

we're going to have to accept that we are in a classic case of bouchee

a la Rene, as they say in the Alsack. Why don't you get Damien to

model them? He's young. Rodney, do you really expect me to ask my son

to go and stand in the market out there looking like a slab of meat

while people gawp at him? I mean, that kind of humiliation could scar

him for the rest of his life. You're already scarred, so one more

wouldn't hurt, you see. What about Trigger? Hmm? Oh, leave it out.

Asking Trigger for help's like asking Ozzy Osbourne to look after

your bats. I'm sorry, Rodney, but you are stuck with the pants.

Cosmic. You see, Rodney, most people think modelling is all about

standing there looking great. But it isn't! Actually, it is, but there's

more to it than that. Ah, now, listen, Rodney. This is the horse's

mouth speaking. Just remember - a good model doesn't just walk... He

glides. A good model doesn't just turn... They oscillate. Glides.

Yeah. Oscillates. Exactly. Right, come on, gather round,

everybody! Get closer, come on, darling. Look at this. Look at the

attention to detail here. Look at the craftsmanship. You don't get

that care and love in underpants these days, do you? Derek... Hmm? I

am going to kill you. Are you David Beckham? I am! But don't tell

anyone. I don't want to draw any attention to myself, all right? OK.

Good boy. She's past the American. She's

unbeatable. It is an enormous world record. .

Being a disabled person born in the UK, I have never let my disability

hold me back, but for young disabled people in this village in Uganda,

life is different. This Blue Peter. He is 16 years old. When he was

younger he had polio, it caused his legs to weaken so he cannot walk.

Blue Peter is looked after business his grandmother. His mum and dad

died when they were younger. What are the main challenges you

face being a person with a disability? I want to move to other

places as my brothers do, but I am not able to.

To see, to explore? Yes, I can't explore as others do.

When you were younger did you participate in sport? I had no

chance. Have you heard of the par limb

snicks I have heard about it. . -- have you heard of the

Paralympics. Blue Peter has had to struggle every

day of his life, but your money is changing this. This is a centre for

rehabilitation that has recently opened in Blue Peter's village.

Here, the children with disabilities can take part in fun and educational

activities together. This is the first time that Blue Peter has

visited the project. For him, this is life-changing.

Please help us give disabled young people like Blue Peter, the support

that they need to live a full and happy life.

Well that's it for the best bits, but our text lines are still very

much open. You can choose to donate ?5 or ?10.

Sport Relief turns tomorrow at 1. 15 on BBC One.

Join me live at the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park. Finally, thank you

very much, you made last night the greatest day after for Sport Relief.

Another exciting day in the Premier League. The title race is hotting

up. It is the perfect appetiser to the main course. England at the

World Cup. Good night. We are off air. It is a clear,

everybody. Here we go, every year it is the

same, England this, England that. They have never won anything, and by

the looks of the group, they never well.

Well, at least with we qualified, unlike Scotland and Wales and the

Republic of Ireland. That may be true but the only thing

we could come back with is an all-over tan. I remember England

when he was putting his World Cup chart up.

I have an idea. I have a song to inspire the nation. A song that can

have the fans singing on the terraces. Helping to ensure that

England do win the 2014 World Cup. What joke that is! I will bring

together legendary musicians. It will like Band Aid.

We can do it for Sport Relief. We can always use the charity card.

But Gary, you know nothing about making records? But I know a Gary

who does, the legend that is Gary Barlow.

You know Gary Barlow? Yes, of course, all the showbiz Garies do!

Prove it. I'll call him. Hello.

Gary it is Gary. Hiya, Gary.

What you up to? Chilling out, really. Laying down some tracks.

That is cool, bro, it sounds dench. You what? What are you talking

about. I am putting together an England

World Cup song. I need your no-how. Can you help me.

I would do anything for Sport Relief but you have to help me in return.

You want the World Cup tickets? I will sort that out for you.

No, can you get my Alan Hansen's egra p, h. This literally could be

Sport Relief's Greatest Day. # Today this could be # The greatest

day of our lives # Before it all ends # Before we run out of time #

Stay close to me # Stay close to me # Watch the world come alive tonight

# Stay close to me # Tonight this could be the greatest night of our

lives # Let's make a new start # The future is ours to find # Can you see

it, can you see it in my eyes? I'm not looking forward to tomorrow one

bit. It will be hard. # Tonight this could be the greatest

nights of our lives # Let's make a new start There we

are, done. # Can you see there

# Can you see that in my eyes # Can you feel it now

# Can you hold it in your eyes. Job done, party!

# Hold on # Hold on hold on

# Hold on # Stay close to me

# Hold on # Stay close to me

# Watch the WorldCom alive tonight # Stay close to me... It's a

wonderful goal! #Hold your head high

# When the world starts to come alive

# When you stay close to me # Today this could be

# The greatest day of our lives # Today this could be

# The greatest day of our lives #... They have done so well. I am

proud of all of them. # Hold on tonight

# And the WorldComs alive # And the WorldComs alive

# Stay close to me # Stay close to me

# Watch the WorldCom alive tonight # Stay close to me... Delighted.

Sport Relief's grand total for tonight is...

# Stay close to me # Today this could be the greatest

day of our live lives Some people are on the #3i67, they think it is

all over. It is now.