Sport Relief Part 1 Sport Relief

Sport Relief Part 1

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# When I am down and, oh, my soul, so weary


# When troubles come and my heart burdened be


# Then I am still and wait here in the silence


# Until you come and sit awhile with me


# You raise me up so I can stand on mountains


# You raise me up to walk on stormy seas


# I am strong when I am on your shoulders


# You raise me up to more than I can be


# You raise me up to more than I can be


# You raise me up so I can stand on mountains


# You raise me up to walk on stormy seas


# I am strong when I am on your shoulders


# You raise me up to more than I can be


# You raise me up so I can stand on mountains


# You raise me up to walk on stormy seas


# I am strong when I am on your shoulders


# You raise me up to more than I can be


Coming live from the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, this is Sport Relief


2016. Please welcome your hosts, David Walliams and Gary Lineker.


An EPIC start to the night and a big thank you to our Sport Relief choirs


That has definitely set the tone for the huge night


This year we have totally supersized Sport Relief.


That's right, this show just gets better with age.


Sport Relief is BACK, and we are coming to you live


And not only are we here in the Copper Box Arena,


but we have also taken over Lee Valley VeloPark


AND the London Aquatics Centre, for the return of...


Tonight, Olympic hero Sir Steve Redgrave


is going head-to-head with cricketing legend


Andrew Freddie Flintoff, captaining two teams,


taking on five colossal sporting challenges.


And we'll be going to Dan Walker at the VeloPark


and Ore Oduba at the Aquatics centre, to meet the teams soon.


..we have the biggest and best night of entertainment EVER


Coming up tonight on Sport Relief, after 40 years, Frank Spencer comes


back to your screens in Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. You have ruined my car,


you idiot. Idriss LBF stars in May special edition of Luther. -- Idris


Elba. It's dead. Peter Crouch takes a trip to Little Britain. I've got


you a place with the lionesses. I haven't got a lady. I've got someone


that can help you with that. Jack Whitehall pays a visit to the


world's most expensive footballer. I want England to win the you rose and


to do that I'm going to enlist the help of the best player in Europe.


Can you introduce me to Cristiano Ronaldo? And two... Just splashing


about in the water, isn't it? All of this and much more coming up tonight


on Sport Relief 2016. That is one full evening


of entertainment! Just look at how many famous


faces are contributing I've got this, Gary,


I know who they all are. From Strictly Come


Dancing, Tess Daly! AND of course TV


detective Hercule Poirot. What he really means is,


amongst our galaxy of stars, John Bishop, Davina McCall and Idris


Elba. We really should have put


some pictures up. But best of all, we have the return


of one of Britain's After nearly 40 years away,


he's back tonight - It's the return of Michael Crawford


as Frank Spencer, in a very special Now of course, the reason


we're all here tonight is to change people's


lives for the better - both here in the UK and in


the world's poorest countries. Since we started Sport Relief 14


years ago, you've helped us Here are some of the amazing


things you've made happen. Sport has the power


to change the world. It has the power to unite people


in a way that little else does. Sport can create hope where once


there was only despair. For the last 14 years,


Sport Relief and you, the British public, have been


working together to change lives Half of your donations fund


projects here in the UK. The other half go to the poorest


countries in the world. In Kenya, we are supporting


a project that uses football to teach leadership


skills and teamwork. And it inspires children


to get an education. For young people with disabilities


in the UK, sport can unlock a whole It makes me feel confident


and I make new friends. Your money supports street


children across the world, giving them a safe place to sleep,


and, through sport, the chance In Bangladesh, drowning in floods


is a major cause of death in children, so Sport Relief


taught children to swim Here at home, a lot of older people


can face loneliness and depression. Sport Relief supported this project,


where sport makes them feel part Across the world, your donations


are inspiring people to get active I want to be the best


boxer in the world. That's not a bad reason


to support something, is it? This is your chance to be part


of something amazing. So please, help us to do even


more and be as generous The money you give tonight will find


all kinds of great work at home and across the world. We wanted to start


with that film because we completely believe in the power and passion of


sport to change lives. It is Sport Relief, after role.


And it would be great if you could be part of tonight's


There are three main ways you can do this and it couldn't be easier.


You can head over to


Or you can give over the phone by calling 03457 910 910.


Standard geographic charges from landlines and mobiles


Alternatively, you can donate ten pounds by texting YES to 70010.


Texts will cost ?10 plus your standard network message charge


and 100% of your donation will go to Sport Relief.


You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's permission.


For full terms and conditions and more information go


AND you can also take your money into most banks and building


when you call tonight and our operator asks if we can


claim Gift Aid on your donation, if you are a UK taxpayer,


It means the taxman gives us an extra 25p for every


It doesn't cost you a penny extra, so please make sure you say yes.


Now let's go over to the VeloPark and meet the two


teams who are ready to go head to head in...


Good evening and welcome to the Lee Valley VeloPark! Tonight, we have


two teams and one of them is going to be crowned Clash of the Titans


champions 2016. Are we ready to meet the teams? I think they are. That is


an. First up, Team Flintoff. I am Freddie Flintoff and I played a bit


of cricket in my time. I have been in the Titans before. We lost, but I


have been promoted to captain. Redemption for me would be showing I


can captain the team successfully. Sir Steve Redgrave, how can he wrote


for so many years? It is just splashing in the water isn't it?


This time, I've got to win. I have assembled the perfect team. Harry


Judd, strictly in it to win it. Maddy Hill, Queen of Albert Square,


who will reign supreme in the rhythmic gymnastics. Mark Wright,


ready to show Team Redgrave the only way is winning. Sophie Raworth, she


is set to make headlines on the Velodrome track. Russell Kane, is


sporting prowess is no laughing matter. And Darren Gough. He will


bowl the competition out of the park. I really don't like losing.


Sir Steve, savour those Olympic medals because you are not going to


win anything tonight. Come on, let's meet Team Flintoff first, starting


with Darren Gough! Sophie Raworth! Russell Kane! Harry Judd! Maddy


Hill! Mark Wright! And they are led by their captain, Mr Freddie


Flintoff! Welcome, Team Flintoff. Are we ready


to meet their opponents, ladies and gentlemen? I think that is yes as


well. There is Team Redgrave. My name is Steve Redgrave and are used


to do a bit of rowing. I am a five times Olympic gold medallist, not


bad. Once a sportsman, always a sportsman. Once you have a


competitive edge, you never lose it. The only reason I'm involved is to


win. As captain, I'm expecting big things. I will push my team to their


limits. For Team Redgrave, Will Young, the performer who has


promised to deliver in the pool. Hugh Dennis, he won't be outnumbered


in the Velodrome. Kate Garraway, prepare to be wowed in rhythmic


gymnastics. Clara Amfo oh, the DJ who is ready to hit the track. Paddy


McGuinness will take out the competition in the wrestling. Ahmed


Jelly, a funny guy with serious talent. Dan Snow, ready to make


Titans history. At watch out for some drama tonight with Tankika


Empson. I know Freddie is competitive but I want to win it


more. Flintoff, eat my dust! Please give it up for Team Redgrave,


Will Young, Kate Garraway, Hugh Dennis, Tamika, Paddy McGuinness,


Dan Snow, Claire and folk, Omid, and team captain, Sir Steve Redgrave.


Welcome to Team Redgrave and Team Flintoff. Let's speak to the


captains, Freddie, you did this two years ago and lost. How do you make


sure this team get it right this year? We have a good team, we've got


rid of John Bishop, he was terrible. We have mixed abilities, good at


different siblings, and I think we will be all right. Batting victory


tonight? I wouldn't say that, but we are quietly confident. Team Flintoff


talking himself is up. Steve Redgrave, iconic sports stars, every


one of them. A team of champions? We do have a team of champions. When


Seb Coe handed on the baton two years ago, they have been in


training, fighting to go, desperate to be out there. Both teams have


been joined by special guests tonight. Each with the royal seal of


approval. Hi everyone, I'm thrilled to introduce two athletes who


represented Team GB in the first-ever Invictus Games in London


2014. On Team Flintoff, Mike Goody, champion in the pool. On Team


Redgrave, Paul Vice, gold medal winner in the cycling. May the best


man win. Give a massive welcome, representing Team Flintoff, Mike


Goody, and the Team Redgrave, Paul Vice.


Great to see you. Get in your positions. Everybody has a big night


ahead. My goodness. The teams are complete, this is how it will go,


four events with points up for grabs. All the points are crucial


for the fifth and final event, the team triathlon, where points will be


converted into seconds. The team with the most points at the end will


have a head start going into the final event of the evening. The


winner of that will be crowned Clash of the Titus 's champions ready 16.


As everybody got that? Good. The first event is the cycling in


elimination race will stop don't go anywhere, we will test the pedal


power of our two captains. Don't miss it.


Make sure you don't miss the first exciting event -


it's the Cycling Elimination Race - and it's coming very soon.


Tonight, we're joining together to change lives both here in the UK


and in some of the world's poorest countries.


In our first film, Marvin and Rochelle Humes go to Kenya


She's a daughter, she's a big sister -


Like most children her age, every evening, she does her homework.


But life for Fenny is very different from that of other


Since her dad died two years ago and her mum


became sick, every morning Fenny does all of the housework and gets


Despite everything, this brave young girl is determined to give herself


This is a fantastic hoodie that you are wearing.


He is pleased that someone is still wearing it!


Fenny's mum and little sister are HIV-positive.


The medication they have to take is aggressive,


Providing food for the whole family is up to Fenny.


Fenny does what she can to care for them.


How tough is it being the one that has to look after your


It is difficult, sometimes I can't go to school.


How much money would you make, Fenny?


Fenny, how is your mum's health at the moment?


Without your help, nothing is going to change.


Fenny's family will continue to rely on her, and life


But there is a project here which can help


So please do something for someone who


you will never meet but who desperately needs your help.


If Fenny's family had enough food to let them


take their medication, then Fenny wouldn't have to go


to work and could get to school every day.


And that's how she can change their future.


Just ?30 buys nutritional food for a month for a person


You can donate online by visiting


Or you can give over the phone by calling 03457 910 910.


Now, if you've just tuned in - no, this is not my father,


or my grand father, this is Gary Lineker.


Who tells me that, in the olden days, he used to be a footballer.


And this is David Walliams, who claims he used to be a comedian.


As ever, schools across the country have been fundraising


for Sport Relief, and this year more of you than EVER have got involved.


Your efforts are truly out of this world.


And one shining example is St Andrew's C of E Primary in


So to say thank you, Radio 1's Gemma Cairney and England


striker Harry Kane dropped in to surprise some


If there's one thing you can rely on in life, it's that every single year


during Sport Relief, some of the most hard-working and dedicated


fundraisers are the thousands of schoolchildren across the country.


We are here today at Saint Andrews school with a very special guest,


England and Tottenham striker, Harry Kane. Are you ready to do this?


Let's do it. Warm welcome to Harry Kane. CHEERING


Hello everyone, I want to say a big well done and for all the money you


have raised the Sport Relief. What team do you prefer, Totten or


Arsenal? Tough question, both of them are just as good. In schools


all across the UK all the hard-working young people have


raised an incredible amount for Sport Relief, going above and


beyond, and we give you a huge thank you. To all the amazing schools,


pupils, teachers, grandparents, parents, everyone who has spent time


raising money for Sport Relief. Just one thing left to say. Thank you!


Thank you to Gemma and Harry and a big thank you to the thousands


of kids and teachers across the UK for your tremendous fund raising


Now we've got so much more still to come tonight,


including the return of the legend that is Frank Spencer


On nights like this, we always say, you can change lives. Here's the


truth. I'm about to experience


something truly magical. This little boy here has


literally just been born. Thanks to your support,


he's about to have some Thanks to the work from an amazing


project here and these drops he's being given, he now has the chance


of a life totally HIV free. This is truly life-changing work


and your donations are a huge So, thank you from the


bottom of our hearts. Your donations make sure those


new born babies get those drops Texts will cost ?10 plus your


standard network message charge. Now, it's time for the first Clash


of the Titans event of the evening, And Gary, just as a quick heads


up, they're not racing on Penny Farthings like


when you were a boy. I know, thank you David,


they're on racing bikes. In fact, there's a good cycling


shop near you. Is there?


Yeah. It's right next


to the doughnut shop. You're kind of showing off now Gary


and it's not very attractive. And to start with, it's


the Cycling Elimination race. Over to Dan Walker and our teams


at the VeloPark. Hello and welcome back to the


VeloPark. This lot are ready for the first event in the clash of the


titans 2016. Just to remind you, this is the elimination race. The


person at the back is just as important as the person at the


front. Three members from each team will be taking part, including the


two team captains. Let's find out who has been selected and what they


are in for. The cycling elimination, hello, old friend. 2014, this race


was tactical and aggressive. Maybe a bit too aggressive. How on earth has


he stayed on his bike? He hasn't now. The sprint laps are the key,


when you hear the bell it's time to go. Whoever finishes last, gets


eliminated. When there are three riders left, it's a race to the


finishing line. Freddie won this race last time, and that must give


Team Flintoff the edge. I'm pretty competitive so will be as physical


and competitive as Freddie wants me to be. Team Flintoff, we've got


this. Have you now? You are going to have to get past my team first. You


just have to go as fast as you possibly can. We will ride stronger,


harder, and faster. To win, ready, steady... Catch Freddie.


Let's get a word with the captains. Freddie Flintoff is here, everybody.


You won this event two years ago. What is the secret? I don't think


there is a secret except for peddling faster. I think the


standard is higher this year. These guys look all right. You are up


against a man with five Olympic golds in five consecutive Olympic


Games, Sir Steve Redgrave. We know you have got the lungs but have you


got the legs? I have certainly got the heart but I'm not sure I put the


endurance. I'm looking forward to it. I think it will be a great


crack. I hope we don't do what Freddie did last year and fall off.


I will let you get ready. Our special Stuttgart -- that the


introduce you to our special starter for tonight, who has walked 145


miles for Sport Relief, Jo Brand! Jo, talk us through your job. It is


a big one. I've got to fire the starting pistol without injuring


myself or anybody else. How much practice have you read? 14 seconds.


So this could be messy. Step back! What could possibly go wrong? Jo


will start the race. Here are our commentating team. We have a perfect


commentating position, up in the rafters looking straight down on the


finishing line. Rob and I were here for the World Championships a couple


of years ago but that feels like it was merely an hors d'oeuvre. Let's


take a look at the line-up for the elimination race. Six riders in the


field. As you can see, both captains are in this one, looking to lay down


an early marker. Before the race gets underway, we will have a warm


up lap just to give the race a rolling start. They must stay


bunched until they pass the start line. Every other lap, the bell


goes, the riders will sprint and the last rider over the line is


eliminated until three riders remain, with Hugh Dennis at the


moment. When we get down to the last three, which may or may not involve


Hugh, when the bell rings, the remaining riders will sprint to the


finish. There is the man who won the finish last time, Freddie Flintoff.


It was a commentary highlight for me. I saw him go down and he picked


himself up and knocked him for six. He took the victory. Who is going to


take it today? Jo Brand is ready with the starter's gun, and the


first event in Clash of the Titans 2016 is underway. Three points


available for the winner, two points for second place, for third. The


remaining three riders will not score at all. Hugh Dennis is trying


to make sure he stays out of trouble early on. This is a man with some


cycling experience. He has written on a Tour in France on two occasions


in the past and he is looking to make sure you can stay in the race a


bit longer. You can see how hard he is trying. He is taking it out from


the front. This is to make sure he doesn't get himself in trouble, but


it looks like Steve Redgrave is in the hot seat at the moment. Already


close, as they go over the line. We have a four love. Hugh Dennis is


down. -- we have a fall. Hugh Dennis hit the deck at the end of the first


sprint. I can't quite believe it. Just a touch of wheels. It was his


own team-mate who just squeezed him out. Momentarily, they will


neutralise the race. Confirmation that Harry Judd won't be McFlying it


around the track any more. He was the first rider to go. Hugh Dennis


will not be re-starting as a result of the crash a few moments ago. We


are down to four. Here we go. Mark Wright, Freddie Flintoff, Dan Snow


and Sir Steve Redgrave. Two riders left from each team. And now we are


underway. What about the tactics here? Freddie


Flintoff going right to the start and trying to dominate. In a race


like this, do you take the front and try to take control or do you risk


it from the back? You get the risk of getting out of line. At the


moment, it is Sir Steve Redgrave who is caught at the back on the inside.


Steve Redgrave found himself boxed in last time and it looks as though


he is almost riding into one of his opponents again. Flintoff leads them


over the line, and Mark Wright is the man to go. He has been feeling


unwell today and we were not sure if he would come back out for the


restart, but he gave it a go. For Mark Wright, the only way is back to


Essex. That is a shocker, but true. The bell goes, and it is the sprint


to the line. It looks like Flintoff has got it all the way. Absolutely


plumping down the back straight. Looked at him go. He was


head-to-head two years ago but I think he is going to win. Freddie


Flintoff is a two times winner in Clash of the Titans elimination


race. He won it at a canter. Undefeated. The undefeated Freddie


Flintoff. Here it is again, rob. He left the others trailing. Dan Snow


just trying to get in the wheel of Freddie but unfortunately for Steve


Redgrave, he was trying to go round the long wait and that was the hard


way, but unfortunately for the blues it was Freddie Flintoff all the way.


Freddie Flintoff takes the win with room to spare. Dan Snow second and


Sir Steve Redgrave third. Let's grab a word with our top


three. What was it like? I enjoyed it. It is hard, especially when you


are unfit. The young man got us. A big kick, powerful legs. There are


two blues in the top three, Dan Snow. Freddie said you were the


danger men, and you came through. He was talking me up. That was a hell


of a kick, he pounced. Freddie Flintoff is undefeated on the track.


You have done it again. I thought it was going to get harder. On the last


lap, I am just going to go for it and see what happens. I thought


Steve would be breathing down my neck but he should stick to his


rowing, shouldn't he? Good news is that Steve Dennis -- Hugh Dennis is


OK. Freddie Flintoff I think, had been


training for that one, and it was a decisive victory for the cricketing


legend. Three points 14 Flintoff, but Dan Snow and Sir Steve Redgrave


both on the board for their team. One events down. Next up,


synchronised swimming with Russell Kane taking on Will Young. It is not


a dream. Porsche Hugh Dennis, but well done, Freddie.


OK, it's time to take a look at the leaderboard for the very


After the first event, Team Flintoff as three points and Tim Redgrave


also have three points. It is all to play for.


Of course, it's not going to surprise you that on Sport Relief


we are pretty keen on sport and really hope that you will be


When the Sport Relief weekend is over, if you need more


inspiration on how to get involved in loads of different sports then


And you're certainly going to be inspired


To tell you all about a wonderful woman called Margaret,


I'd like you to meet a wonderful lady called Margaret. She is going


to tell you a love story. When I met Mike I knew that was


definitely something special. We used to spend a lot


of time walking. Yeah, if we were sitting anywhere,


his arm would go round my shoulder. I was in love with him


and expected him to be I spent quite a bit of time


on my own with the children. He used to work up in town


and he'd come home. I'd have his dinner ready and then


he'd go down to a local pub Very hard for Mike and I to have any


time together, really. We had big plans when


we were both retired. It was our time and we still had


a lot of living to do. I got the phone call to say,


"You must come to the hospital." By the time I got there,


it was too late. Where do you go when your soulmate,


partner, lover is gone? I wanted to finish it


all and join Mike. I used to go shopping and walk


over a bridge and look, but then I'd think of the car


driver that would hit me I knew that I needed


to talk to somebody. Just when she needed it


most, Margaret found the Bereavement Centre,


a project supported by Sport Relief. It's a place she can go when it


feels like there's nowhere else. I still get the pain of losing Mike,


but it's brought together people that have gone through


exactly the same. The Bereavement Centre


have saved my life. It is easy to think that, just


because somebody is older, they can cope with the loss of a loved one


more easily, but that just isn't true. Why should age make any


difference? In this country around a million older people are chronically


lonely. One in four feel they have nobody to go to for help or support.


Tonight, you can help change things. Tonight, you can make a difference.


Please call us. Thank you. Loneliness and loss are desperate


things to have to cope with. ?25 pays for a counselling session


for a bereaved person to help them If you can, please do help us


to continue supporting You can see what a difference


that project has made. You can donate online


at or you can Texts will cost ?10 plus your


standard network message charge and 100% of your donation


will go to Sport Relief. You must be 16 or over and please


ask the bill payer's permission. For full terms and conditons


and more information If you could donate,


we would be very grateful. Now, if you're a fan


of The One Show - and I know I am, I have the Blu-ray box set at home -


you'll have followed the inspiring journey of the courageous crew


who survived Hell On High Seas. # You light the skies above


# You and me, we can write on a star # If you stay with me, girl we can


rule the world # Yeah, you and me we can ride on a


star... Everybody has pulled together. I think everyone will go


home with a huge sense of accomplishment.


Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome two of our heroic


Hell on High Seas challengers - Alex Jones and Angellica Bell.


Took is through the dramatic scenes on daily two. We were in a bit of a


quandary as to whether to keep sailing, because we had to avoid a


force ten storm. It was Armageddon! We made the decision to go into


Plymouth, but on the way in, we were on watch in the middle of the night,


drenched, choppy seas, in the middle of the night and wanting to go home.


Why did you make me do this? Sorry about that. It was like the world


was going to end at that point. What was it like to be on board? On board


was kind of OK apart from the really grim bits, the middle of the night


when the waves are dashing over. Down below deck, where you didn't


see very much, you were being woken up every few hours to go on deck.


You'd have to get dressed like this... And then you try to pull


your trousers on. The boat is at an angle. It's not just putting your


clothes on, we had so many layers. Thermals, a rubber seal over your


neck. Is it true the boys were more sick than the girls? That is true.


Alex and I were the only two who didn't get seasick. CHEERING


It must have felt amazing when you finally got home and got off the


thing will stop when we got what when we got into the Thames, it was


karma, but it didn't seem real we would be back on terra firma. There


were such difficult conditions on the boat for so long. It was


emotional to see our friends and family. We shed some tears. It was


amazing and emotional, but what's more amazing, that was five days for


us. All of you out there, watching at home, what's amazing is that they


got behind it once again and go native. That's the thing. -- and


donated. We can reveal that the total raised, including ?150,000


from BT who supported the challenge, is a whopping 1,000,060.


Are you going to keep that money or give it to Sport Relief? We will


give it to Sport Relief! Good for you. That makes it worth it.


Now, for you, Alex, your Sport Relief doesn't end


This Sunday, myself, Matt Baker and John Inverdale


will be taking the Sport Relief baton all the way to


Join us on Sunday as people all over the nation do themselves proud for


Sport Relief. We live from the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park as a whole


host of people join us for the culmination of the Sport Relief we


can. We will test those famous faces with challenges. And we will bring


you the action from across the country as thousands of you walk,


run, swim or cycle yourselves proud to raise cash and change people's


lives. That's live on Sunday. Ooo Betty! Fancy dress optional.


And it's not too late if you want to take part in any


Thousands of you have already signed up.


If you haven't, it's going to be a brilliant day,


so whoever you are, wherever you are, what are you waiting for?


For details of how to take part, head to the website


Now, you'll already know that Ebola is one of the most


Sierra Leone was one of the worst affected countries.


Thankfully the country was declared Ebola free at the end of last year.


But it left a trail of despair in its wake, as EastEnders actor


This is a slum in Freetown, it's a bustling community


But when the Ebola epidemic hit, this once vibrant


With people living so close to one another, in already overcrowded


homes, the deadly virus spread quickly.


People were suspicious and afraid of treatment centres.


And it didn't take long for rumours to start.


As ever, in all of this, the ones who suffer most are children.


I see why something like Ebola would hit a place like this.


12-year-old Mohammed and his little brother Mousa


As the only two surviving members of their entire family,


they saw relative after relative being taken off to a treatment


Why did you not want to go to the treatment centre?


With so many family members having died from the virus,


others in the community were suspicious that the boys may


Having contracted and yet survived Ebola, the boys are back at home


and are now supported by their mum's best friend.


She does what she can, but there's no money.


After everything they've been through, now they've even


Mohammed and Mousa still live in the same building


They just want to go to school and learn and better themselves


There's no option there. No school.


They're talking about being lawyers and stuff, you know.


They've got brains to use and they want to nourish that brain


and they want to do something with themselves and they can't.


Every child on this planet deserves or should go to school.


It's about giving them an opportunity to just live,


to just live, live a life and have enjoyable, magical moments,


I think we should try to let those boys, and others like them,


But for that, they need a good education.


?70 pays for a whole year at secondary school.


The children of Sierra Leone desperately need our support.


You've been so brilliant in the past.


Could you, would you, help us once more?


Please donate by going online at or call


Or you can text the word YES to 70010 to donate ?10.


Texts will cost ?10 plus your standard network


Right, it's time for the first Sport Relief sketch of the night.


And surprise surprise - you're dressed as a woman.


With some very special guests, it's the return of Little Britain.


TOM BAKER: Football is one of Britain's most popular pastimes.


In his office, sports agent Mickey Perm is trying


to strike a deal for one of his footballers.


I don't play football myself, because sadly, I don't have a foot.


I've got one for you. Kevin Keegan.


Ah, Crouchy, my favourite new client.


I'd get you back in the England team, didn't I?


Well, your numero uno agent has only gone and done it.


Really? Yep.


I can't wait to be back with the boys.


Hold on. It's not exactly with the boys.


It's with the ladies. The ladies?


I've got you a place with the Lionesses.


I've got someone who can help you with that.


My name is Emily Howard, and I am a lady.


She is going to teach you how to behave like a lady.


I must say, I was rather surprised when I heard


In my mind, ladies should play ladies' games, like cribbage


Crouchy, do you want to play for England again or not?


TOM JONES: # Well, she's all you'd ever want


# She's the kind I'd like to flaunt And take to dinner


# Well, she always knows her place She's got style, she's got grace


# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady


# But she's never in the way Always something nice to say


# I can leave her on her own Knowing she's OK alone


# Whoa-oh-oh She's a lady


# She knows what I'm about She can take what I dish out


# But she knows me through and through


# And she knows just what to do and how to please me... #


Are you sure that they'll believe that I'm a lady?


What do you think you're playing at?


I think you might have rather given the game away.


You can give me the outfit back later.


Massive thank yous to the hilarious Micky Flanagan, David Seaman,


The Lionesses, their manager Mark Sampson.


And of course, a huge thank you


It's just, you said we were going to dress up for this bit.


I did say that, but then I thought - dressing as a woman to get laughs


But you've made a career out of it. Exactly.


You have actually never look to more lovely. So, moving on...


Ladies and gentlemen, The beautiful Gary-Ella Lineker.


Right, still to come tonight - Luther, as you've never


Nusic from the incredibly talented James Bay.


And we're only moments away from the second instalment of Clash


of the Titans, as Russell Kane and Will Young take to the pool


Right, time for a thank you, and this one goes to BT,


who have once again been brilliant supporters of Sport Relief.


They've been donating money from calls made


to the Speaking Clock on their Chat for Change Day.


I know a thing or two about dedication and hard work. And some


other people who know a thing or two about that are the good people at


BT. Since the start they have been involved in Sport Relief. The people


who man the phones at Sport Relief are all volunteers, giving up their


free time to take your donations. No matter how big or how small, those


donations make a difference. They helped us raise money for those who


needed each year. That is an amazing achievement. The staff are also


massively behind it and have a mission for their staff to travel to


the moon and back by recording their steps. We could not do it without


you. So there is really only one thing to say. Thank you!


APPLAUSE I couldn't have said it


better myself, thank you! And we can reveal that


their brilliant efforts have raised Now, those of you who follow


EastEnders will remember the deeply moving storyline about Stacey


and her struggle with extreme Here's Lacey Turner -


the actress who plays Stacey - to explain that for many women,


this condition is all too real. Giving birth to a child should be


a truly wonderful time in a woman's life and one of life's


most joyful experiences. But, sadly, as I have learnt


in my role as Stacey, The truth is that every year,


here in the UK, around 70,000 women won't find that becoming a mother


is the fairy-tale they dreamed of. I can't keep Arthur safe


every minute on my own. 70,000 women won't find


the sleepless nights and constant care a baby needs


plain old exhausting. They'll find it much


worse than that. They will become ill


with postnatal depression. In more extreme cases like Stacey's,


more than 1,400 women will suffer from the more severe


version of the illness, This is truly frightening,


for them and for their families. Arthur is not yours.


He is God's. Stacey, why would they


want to take Arthur? He's outside.


He's waiting. Sadly, like with so many mental


illnesses, women are scared They think they should


feel a certain way. They're new mothers, after all -


why does it seem that everyone else It's thought that the real number


of sufferers is higher, but that women are too scared


to come forward and talk about it. They're scared of what people


will say and they're scared I believe it's


absolutely real for you. And I think it must be tiring


and extremely stressful. If you think you're suffering


from postnatal depression, the best thing you can do is tell


someone you're feeling overwhelmed. Talk to a doctor or health


visitor or a friend. After Arthur was born,


I heard his voice. He only talked to you


after Arthur was born? Sport Relief is supporting


the maternal mental health alliance to raise awareness of the importance


of this issue, as well as projects which aim to support mums,


dads and their families to recover from maternal mental


health and move forwards. I think we're going to


need a clean outfit. We want you to know you're not


alone, you have nothing You can be treated and


things can get better. Help us to continue to support women


and families, who are suffering unnecessarily at what should be one


of the happiest times To donate please call


or go to the website. The stigma around illnesses


like post-natal depression hasn't gone away yet, but things


are slowly getting better. ?30 could enable an isolated mum


who is experiencing post-natal depression to attend a session


to help start the road to recovery. Please help us to support those mums


at the time they really need it, by donating online at

:09:00.:09:18. or you can Texts will cost ?10 plus your


standard network message charge and 100% of your donation


will go to Sport Relief. You must be 16 or over and please


ask the bill payer's permission. For full terms and


conditions and more information go to

:09:35.:09:36. It's time for the


synchronised Swimming. We'd be good at synchronised


swimming, Gary. It's OK, I'll sort something out.


Anyway, it's time for... You're not going to say


Clash Of The Titans No, it's time for


Splash of the Titans! Welcome to the London Aquatics


Centre. And boy, have we got a treat for you tonightif you were watching


earlier, you will have seen that clash of the Titans is tight. Team


Redgrave and Team Flintoff tied at three apiece after the first event


of the evening, the Elimination Cycling. But of course it can all


change, because next up, we have got synchronised swimming! Let's speak


to a lady who knows all we need to know about it. Where are you? I am


right above you. Welcome to what is going to be a fantastic evening. We


have got two very different routines from two very different performers.


On Team Flintoff, it is comedian Russell Kane. And for Team Redgrave,


we have our very own top idol Willie Young! And they will be performing


alongside five incredibly talented girls from acrobatics. Each


performance will be scored by three professional synchro judges, with


each judge awarding a score out of ten. The routine with the highest


score will get maximum points for their team. Back to you, Ore. We


will be finding out just what Will and Russell will be unleashing on


the world. I still do not know how to put this on. Your watery stage


awaits you. Yes, I am the mer-man of the synchronised swimming world.


Russell Kane, let me talk to you bit. This place is steeped in


history, from 2012. Are you to undo all that legacy? No, I am really


composed, apart from my locker key, as I get a bit tense if I am away


from my possessions. I would not be surprised if I grew fins or wedding


during the performance. My goodness me! We are all set. Ladies and


gentlemen, what you are about to see, you will not be able to unsee.


It is definitely getting a bit clammy in here! Ladies and


gentlemen, are we ready for our first performance of the evening? We


have got loyalty with us. For Team Redgrave, Will Young!


I am here for Sport Relief to do synchronised swimming. I feel it is


my destiny. Hello! Hi, what do you think? Almost looking the part. You


look like you are going scuba-diving, more than synchronised


swimming. I can dance, sort of. I can swim. Can I do them both? I will


find out. The worst thing that can happen on the night is that I could


drown. I would be upset. Go slowly to start with. Really hard! They


make it look very easy. It is not easy. It is quite exhausting on the


body, even though it is a short routine. Why didn't I do something


like cycling, that would be easier?! I feel like I am in a Vegas show.


The thing is, nobody remembers second place. We are here to win.


MUSIC: "Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies"


COMMENTATOR: A brand-new challenge for Will Young tonight, drawing on


all his performance skills to create a scene from Norway. Lovely cadence,


great synchronisation. It is all about keeping in time with the


music, synchronising with your team-mates. And look at that leg


kick under the water, which is what is keeping them afloat. Straight


legs. This is the hardest part for Will chuggers keeping vertical and


upright. He is trying to fight off the acrobatics girls. Time for the


big lift... Fantastic presentation from Will Young! Dynamic performance


from the Pop Idol winner. A man who knows all about stage and screen as


well. Let's have a look at some of the highlights. Beautiful dive. He


loves swimming, loved diving as a boy, he was telling me earlier on.


Look how well he is synchronised with the girls from Aquabatics. Real


sense of drama about this routine. Good height on the lift. I think the


judges will have enjoyed that. Something quite sensational. Will


Young, you have done this since birth, right?! Yes!


These girls are amazing. I can't actually talk. You don't need to.


Because the judges' scores are in. It's a clean sweep of 8s. 24 Will


Young. I'm happy with that. I couldn't actually add that up. I'm


pleased you added it up as well! The doubt in your face made me doubt


myself. You don't need to do maths, you're a beautiful synchronised


swimmer. Off you go! APPLAUSE


Well earned rest. We're not done just yet. It's time for act two,


who's ready for Russell Kane? For team Flintoff, it's Russell Kane.




I'm normally a stand-up comedian and presenter. Today I'm learning


synchronised swimming. Teach me a move, I can do it double jointed.


Yes, you may find it quite difficult. Oh, yeah. How am I going


to remember the moves? You just have to do it over and over again. It's


actually a very athletic sport. I'm just going to go for it.


I could well easily just be floating in the water like an idiot,


surrounded by great girls. It could be worse, really couldn't it?


Actually I might just do that. I think in words because it's my job,


so to remember physical moves doesn't come natural Troy me. If I


can't -- natural to me. If I can't be elegant in the water, I think


strike. Quick movement, bold, masculine shapes. That's my strategy


on the night. COMMENTATOR: Russell, if you


remember him performing to Beyonce in 2012, here he is tapping into his


inner diva yet again. He's no stranger to twerking. Quite hard to


do under water, though. So lots and lots of cheeky, diva moves that you


will see during this routine. Good movement of the legs under water.


Just keeping themselves afloat by using arms and legs. Strong moves


from Russell. Lots of diva attitude. We want to


see lots of flirting with the crowd. We're going to go for the lift here.


The girls can't touch the bottom of the pool.


Again, trying to get those legs synchronised. Not quite as pointed


as they could have been. The trade mark Russell Kane thumb move to


finish. Applause from his opponent. APPLAUSE He wouldn't tell me which


pussy cat doll he wanted to be. I felt there was a bit of Nicole in


there. Here we go. At the start of the routine, getting into position


quickly. He's got to be synchronised with the girls, as we said, and with


the music. That was the lift. Yeah, we saw some good hand moves. There


-- moves there. We will see what the judges made of that. Will he have


done enough to beat team Redgrave? Here he comes, ladies and gentleman.


Don't you do that again before telling me how you a synchronised


swimmer you are. 24 is the score to beat. Here we go.


That means you need just seven to win this battle.


It's a 10! How about that. 28 Russell, how are you feeling? I'm


feeling amazing. Thank you very much. The irony of synchronised


swimming is it takes a lot of balls to do this. I've got respect for


these girls. They are amazing. What a team, what a guy, what a


performance - what an outfit! What does that do for the scores. Great


performance by Russell and Will. Team Flintoff get the two points.


Thank you very much to Russell and his team. Thank you very much to


Will Young and his team! To the Aquabatics and the judges. So much


still to come from Clash Of The Titans. Join us later to see how our


teams get rhythmic. See you soon. # Somewhere beyond the sea


# Somewhere... Let's have a look at how that event


has changed the leaderboard... This is what you'll


be remembered for. So, after the second


event of the night... Team Flintoff is in the lead. It's


going to be a close one. How did you talk me into this? I can talk you


into a lot of things! APPLAUSE There is something I'm


particularly excited about tonight, returning to our screens for the


first time in nearly 40 years is one of the greatest comedy characters of


all time - not him! - Frank is back. And that's coming up


a little later tonight. And bringing you brilliant


entertainment like that is all part Here is a man who knows only too


well how important ... Sorry, that's Danny's bit. I


carried on. You didn't go to Sierra Leone. You were at home while he


went! I would have done if you'd have invited me. All right, you dug


yourself a hole, just shut up. Sport Relief asked me to go


to Sierra Leone, I'll admit I was scared of what I'd see.


But I'll tell you something - it's an amazing country.


And I have never seen anything like it in my life.


At this very moment I'm embarrassed to be a human being.


How it gets to this stage where children are running


There's a kid over there, he's got flip-flops on.


There's glass, there's fires and he's just got flip-flops on.


And he works on this rubbish dump every single day.


In fact, he's never known a life outside of it.


Because Usman and his family actually live on the dump.


The money, I buy food for them so we can survive.


The money, the father buys food for them to survive.


TRANSLATION: I want to leave this dump site.


Hassan, do you think it will ever happen for you?


TRANSLATION: He's not really thinking if that will ever happen


for him in his lifetime. The powers that be, whoever


they are, forget about all that, we can actually come together


as human beings and help Just from sitting where you are now,


the difference you can make I know they seem


a million miles away. You can make such a difference


from such a little thing. So please, get these people out


of this, this just ain't right. We've got to come together


and make this happen. If you've never done it before,


make this the first time you've It seems just too massive a problem


to do anything doesn't it? But I'm here to promise


you, it's not. We're working with a project


who take little kids like Osman ?70 pays for a whole


year of education. I'm not asking you to


pay the whole 70 quid. I'm at the Olympic Park on Sunday,


come and run a mile with me, do whatever you've got to do. Just,


it's horrendous. Please give what you can. Thank you.


APPLAUSE I bet that most of you watching now


will have your phone sitting right there next to you,


so please pick it up, type the word YES and send


it to 70010 and help It's that simple, and it


will be the most important Texts will cost ?10 plus your


standard network message charge. OK, we've got off to a brilliant


start and, although the night is still very young, I think it's


time we announced our first total, I certainly do, man off Match of the


Day. Tonight you have raised


a phenomenal... Wow, wow, wow! Thank you so much


everybody. That is an amazing amount of money. We cannot thank you


enough. I know, I know, we'd love to present


for longer, but sadly Gary's curfew at the old folks home


is fast approaching. I don't actually have to be back


until nine o'clock. Ladies and gentlemen,


the brilliant, the talented, CHEERING AND


APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen,


the childish, the irritating, pain in the bum that


is Mr David Walliams! CHEERING AND


APPLAUSE Coming up, we have


Strictly's Tess Daly Bez from the Happy Mondays,


and telly favourite Lorraine Kelly Let's take a look at what else


is in store for you tonight. Still to come... Franke Spencer is


back in Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. Jack Whitehall meets Gareth Bale.


And there is a royal visit in the clash of the titans. All, much more


coming up here tonight on Sport Relief. Ladies and gentlemen, please


welcome your amazing hosts, Davina McCall, Claudia Winkleman and John


Bishop! Thank you! Good evening, and what a


fantastic night of Sport Relief we have had so four. Look at you with


those on! I love it! And a massive thank you to Gary and David, like an


old married couple, weren't they? Now, John, this is a very modern


marriage you have got here, a Claudia and Davina sandwich. You are


feeling quite lucky right now? I am, and every middle-aged man across the


country, you can donate to stand where I am. So, we have got some


unbelievable treats coming up in the next hour.


More from the Titans as they take on Rhythmic Gymnastics,


and of course, the return of the one and only Michael Crawford


It's true that everyone here has got a touch of what we like to call


Take a look over there, even Crookie on camera one has


Time now for one of my all time Sport Relief heroes.


I mean, the endurance they have shown. That is obviously me. The wit


they have. I think that is still me. It is not about me, it is about the


kids. And they look very beautiful - in clothes.


It's the incredible, funny, and beautiful,


He has completed 24 marathons out of 27 in South Africa.


Welcome to South Africa. Why 27 marathons. Nelson Mandela was in


prison for 27 years so I thought I would run 27 marathons in 27 days.


Thank you. I am dehydrating. And that is where


the problem lies. Spraying me, spraying me like crazy! I am a


determined to it and I just want to keep going. Cheers, everyone! Just


keep it in here and drive forward, and I can get this done.


And Eddie's in Cape Town right now after doing his 24th marathon.


Hi, how are you? Eddie, it is Davina, it is so lovely to see you.


Where are you? I am in Cape Town, South Africa, at the moment. It is


two hours later than where you are. We have got table mounted behind us,


wonderful city. And Robben Island, where Nelson Mandela spent 18 years,


I am trying to run the 27 marathons in 27 days as a salute to Nelson


Mandela. This is where we are at the moment. Eddie, it is John. I am just


saying that in case you did not recognise the voice. Eddie, how are


you getting on with the heat? The heat took me a part, actually. I am


just resting my feet. Tim, my physio, has saved my life. He is


basically bandaging that back together. I have got in the event


going in this foot. The nails are going well, though. Loving the


nails! Yes, they are not working very well but... I was just saying,


the heat is amazing, it is up to 35 degrees. It is very difficult to run


in this heat. We are absolutely in awe off you. What are you thinking


about when you run, is it particular projects? I am thinking about


stopping, actually! So, every time I stop... Because I have no days off,


this is the thing. I have already spent one day in hospital so that I


actually have to do a double marathon on the Sunday. This is what


is really tricky. I have done my 24th marathon, but it is on day 25.


I am kind of thinking about that. That is going to be tricky. Eddie,


it is so lovely to see you smiling. We wish you the very, very Asta. And


keep going! Thank you! So, Eddie, we are now going to tell you how much


you have raised. We can now reveal that the total so far is...


Well done, Eddie! Thank you very much. You are finishing on Sunday,


right? Yes, two marathons on Sunday. That has got to be worth a million,


hasn't it?! Please keep supporting him.


Please keep supporting him and keep donating


And you can follow Eddie's incredible challenge every step


So if Eddie's superhuman feats have inspired you,


then you can't miss the Sport Relief Games Show


at 1.15pm on Sunday on BBC One, where you can see Eddie


Having said that, he is doing two that day, he might be a bit late.


And you can still sign up to take part in the Sport Relief games right


here in Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park on Sunday.


Bake Off - here are some of the best bits.


Welcome to the great Sport Relief Bake Off. No wonder it is Sport


Relief, I am knackered! Eight bananas. Eight bananas? Out of all


four of us, who do you reckon has got the best kitchen? Downing


Street... ? One of the best kitchens this year.


Thank you to everyone that took part.


It is time now to find out how much the Great


Sport Relief Bake Off has "self-raised".


OK, we can now reveal that The Great Sport Relief Bake Off


Thank you so much to all the Bake Off contestants


and everyone who donated over the series.


A few years ago, I went to Sierra Leone


I saw some pretty terrible things there,


and that was before Ebola struck that country.


It has left a trail of devestation in its wake, as you'll see


Hidden away in a remote part of Sierra Leone,


is a village that has been decimated by the Ebola


It was the adult population who buried the dead, with many of them


then dying from Ebola themselves, themselves, leaving


a once-thriving village desolate. In the shadow of empty houses,


entire families have been wiped out. Traumatised and broken children,


find themselves in the care of grandparents


overwhelmed by grief. Or worse, some find


themselves orphaned with no-one to care


for them at all. No-one knew what was causing


the sickness and it spread All over the village,


children became carers. They saw things no child


should ever have to see. As if witnessing the deaths


of their mums and dads wasn't enough, when the horror


of the epidemic passed, the stigma that remained has left


them outcast from society. With these children at their most


vulnerable, many of them There is a single project


that is helping children here and it's funded


by money raised by you. they provide essential


bereavement counselling. And most importantly,


they can show children like Aminarta please call... ... Or go online.


Thank you. Well, it's just so hard


to know what to say. If the worst happened


and our children didn't have us, then hopefully there


would be people to step in. Well, there would be,


but because of Ebola, well, you've seen, there's


no one apart from some grandparents,


who are grieving themselves, Please help us to


continue doing that. Here now with her beautiful


song Wings is Birdy, and she has kindly asked that


if you could, you phone and donate CHEERING AND


APPLAUSE Thank you so much, Birdy,


and thank you if you donated Time now for a big thank


you to everyone involved in the epic Battle of the Five-A-Sides


and in particular, Alan Shearer, Robbie Savage and


the Premier League. If Jurgen Klopp is watching, just


take a look at this goal I scored! The partnership between the Premier


League and Sport Relief has been amazing since it began in 2002. It


continues to go from strength to strength.


COMMENTATOR: What a goal! Oh! What a screamer! The Premier League has


organised an epic five-a-side match, the biggest ever. Myself and the one


and only Allan Shearer are captains. You might see some of this later


from the legend that is Alan Shearer. 57 hours nonstop, some of


football's biggest names, celebrities and members of the


public are taking their part in Sport Relief. It's a great effort


from the Premier League, combining with the legends out there today.


They've put their bodies on the line for Sport Relief. I'm feeling


dreadful, I've got to admit. By the time the battle of the five-a-sides


was over 228 teams and over 1100 players had taken part. Helped out


by three heroes who played 12 hours of football nonstop, Danny, Josh and


Rachel, we absolute them. The match was played through rain, sleet,


snow, high winds and a moment of sunshine.


COMMENTATOR: That's lovely. Team Shearer won and the Premier League


turned every ?1 raised into a crisp fiver, the tollal over ?500,000. The


money raised will fund crucial projects at home and across the


world. One great project that the money goes to is the Premier


League's Enterprise Progaem. -- programme. It helps young people


learn about business and how to get a start in life, using Premier


League clubs as the back drop. Clubs up and down the country have got


behind this brilliant programme. The money raised has gone to help work


with kids around the world, including project like Magic Bus in


India. This project uses football as the catalyst for teaching young


people life skills and building their confidence to help them find


jobs. But it's not just India, there's great work being done in


Zambia. This programme educates young women about being safe. In


Brazil, they tackle social problems by providing school children with


access to sport and education. These are just some examples of the


fantastic work being done by the Premier League and Sport Relief


around the world. So, we just want to say a massive thank you to the


Premier League, the clubs, the players, and crucially, the fans for


their incredible support. It makes such a dirns. Thanks.


APPLAUSE I think some of them


are still thawing out from that. OK, it's time to reveal


the Premier League total. Thank you so, so much. That's


wonderful. APPLAUSE Very well done. Back to you


John. Earlier in the show we saw Danny


talk about his experience when he went to Sierra Leone and he saw kids


living on a dump sight. It was easy to see how moved Danny was. It's an


overwhelming thing. Four years ago I went to Kenya. I saw exactly the


same thing. I was moved the same way. But things do change. This film


shows you what a difference can you make.


Last time I came to Enya, I went to this dump -- came to Kenya, I went


to this dump site in Nairobi. Ten-year-old Margaret had never


lived anywhere else. Along with her grandmother, she spent every day


searching through the rubbish to scrape together an existence. What's


the best thing you've ever found. Rice, as food. Rice? Rice. That's


the best thing you've ever found? Yeah. The best thing. Back then, it


seemed there was no way out. Thanks to your generosity, their lives have


changed beyond compare. I went back to Kenya to see the change for


myself. Young Margaret is now going to school, where she's finally


getting a good education and making friends. What's the best thing about


going to school? It's great, that's brilliant. Your


grandmother has a new house. Shall we go and see your grandma? Hello.


Look at you! You look brilliant. Thank you very much. Now grandma


Margaret has even started her own business. What do you sell? Is that


for a phone? Yes, credit. 20 shillings. The difference between


where they were then and where they are now, it's incredible. This is a


very, very important photograph. It's all changed now.


No more. No more days like this. No more. Life better. Let's look to the


future. Yeah, thank you. I'm lappy. -- I'm happy. Thank you. I'm so glad


we're able to help. You changed this sadness into joy. You changed the


sorrow and loss into hope. That's what your donations do. You change


lives. Your donations mean that we can help more families like this.


Please give what you can. Thank you.


We can't take everyone to the dump sites. I know if you went and saw


and smelt and felt what me and Danny have done, you'd be as moved as we


were. You can't see it and just walk away. We can't take you there, but


we can show you it and we can show you the difference that you can make


right now. In a place like Kenya it costs ?150 to send young Margaret to


school for a year. That's changed her life ?150 - and I promise that


your money will make a massive difference. Thank you


Let's take a moment to thank our volunteers who are answering the


phones. Still to come, a clash of the tightan encounter and the


unmissable return of Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. I know it's your


favourite. She's been holding me like this all day. Don't say


anything that rhymes with Crawford. We have music from James Bay! Yeah,


yeah. But before all of that, it is time for crime. Now, we all know


detective John luger is a twisted and tormented soul. And he's


extremely hot! But, yeah. They're like, oh, yeah. Have you ever


thought about his life off duty? I mean does he see his mum. Does he


even have a family? Does he have a resident's parking permit? It's my


first question. Let's find out as we meet the Luthers.


MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack


Well, look, I'll... Hold on. No, hold on, I've got a call.


Yeah, I know, I know, Cousin Adam's running in a 100m, yeah.


No, no, no, I'll be there in like a minute!


I promise, yeah. Like in a minute, all right?


I've got to go somewhere. I'll be there in a minute.


What do you mean, how long's a minute?


I am a detective. I'm trained to see that sort of stuff.


Feet cut off, possibly to prevent identification.


Every time I come home you do this. What's going on, John, bruv?


Well, technically, you're right, it has been murdered.


Not only that, its feathers have been pulled,


trussed up with an elastic band. Looks like


some kind of fetish killing. Exactly what I was thinking.


Where did you find it, fam? It was at a supermarket, all right?


Mate, it was in the free-range section. I just took it home.


you never remove the body from the scene of the crime


What are you doing? Everybody knows that!


Yeah. He, er...looks like between a bantamweight and a featherweight.


You know, good muscle tone, good core stability -


must have been doing his plank work, and knocked out in the 10th round.


No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!


Why are you telling Mummy? Don't tell Mummy nothing.


I've been backing you for the longest time, bruv.


You can't keep bringing murdered tings into the house!


Don't move it! He's moving it again! What's the matter with him?


On your head, mate. Do you want to start on this, yeah?


Look, you cut off the feet, it's got no feet.


How's it going to pass the ball round the midfield?


Would someone please COOK THE CHICKEN?!


What you going mad for, bruv? What's wrong with you?


Is this true? Did you bring the body of a homicide victim into my house?


Mummy, there's a misunderstanding here.


I was just thinking, put an onion up its bum and stick it in the oven!


Out, she's out of here, that's it. Done.


Sometimes it's hard to tell, you do that thing with your eyes.


What thing? Like you just smelled a fart.


Someone else killed it, I don't know who.


People kill chickens for other people, it's a business.


But that don't make it right, do it, John?


Your prints are all over it. Of course my prints are all over it!


Because I picked it up to see how big it was for all of us.


Mummy, what is the problem? It's just a chicken!


It might just be a chicken to you, bruv,


but it's someone's fam, someone's cuz, someone's bruv.


Look, I did not kill the chicken, it was dead when I bought it.


100m is on in a minute. Cousin Adam's running!


OK, OK, good. Oh, come on, Mum, he ain't never going to win.


Usain is in the line-up. Lewis, stop showing off


and put on some clothes! I ain't showing off!


Hey, who needs a tie when you've got abs like mine, mate?


driven by deep-seated feelings of jealousy


who just want to destroy both you and your reputation?


while still having time for the odd casual fling.


Alice, you're not being fair, all right?


WHISPERS: It's all right, it's all right.


Look, I've got to go. My cousin's running the 100m against Usain Bolt.


Look, John, bruv, we can work this out.


I mean, we got off on the wrong foot, that's all, cuz!


Yeah, I mean, murder, torture, evidence, guilt, justice -


As long as you still love your mother, eh?


COMMENTATOR: Only five British men have gone under ten seconds...


Well, the latest news on the Olympic 100m heats


is that Usain Bolt has mysteriously disappeared


You're no champion if you don't beat me.


All right. Let's get rid of the evidence.


MUSIC: Paradise Circus by Massive Attack


Great to get him, but then again, I suppose he only has to work


for 9.75 seconds every four years, so he's got time on his hands.


You look like a new Addington bear. I am not taking it off!


It's thank you time again - to the wonderful people at British


England cricket hero Michael Vaughan shared the love.


We have been bowled over by the amazing work BA staff and customers


have done for Sport Relief this year. They have been fundraising for


12 months. The least I could do was give them a tour of my second home.


These guys are part of the engineering team which has done a


cycle around Brighton, raising more than ?7,000. This is the Heathrow


customer service team, which raised over ?43,000. They have been stood


out here for an hour in the pouring rain. This lot crossed 13 bridges


along the River Thames, raising more than ?3000. That is not all. All you


amazing customers and staff have been slogging away, raising an


incredible amount of money for Sport Relief. All of the staff at BA, and


all of you lot off on your holidays, we could not have done it without


you. Let's have a look at how


much they've raised. It is a massive...! Well done,


British Airways! Thank you so much, that is the most amazing amount.


Still to come, more from Clash of the Titans, music from James Bay


and the exclusive that is Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.


This year Sport Relief has launched a brilliant


Together, we will be working with them over the next five years


to help fight malaria and improve health.


Tonight, GSK will be donating a fantastic ?3 million.


With your support, we've already made a huge difference in the fight


against malaria, but there is so much more to do.


Malaria still kills a child every two minutes, but with your help,


This is the intensive care unit of this hospital in Uganda. Caroline


has come here with her daughter. Her daughter is just three months old.


She is struggling to breathe. Caroline has just been told that her


daughter has malaria. And she not the only one. Most of the children


on this ward also have malaria. As daylight fades, all Caroline and the


other mothers can do is hope. Overnight, Caroline stays by


Prossie's side. But by morning, Prossie's condition has worsened.


She is slipping in and out of consciousness. And is painfully


weak. With resources so stretched, it is up to Caroline to feed her


daughter through a tube. Prossie is now sharing her bed with another


baby. Little Patricia has just been brought in. She has severe malaria,


too. And her mother also has to do what she can to help. Two mothers,


two babies. Both fighting for life. Suddenly, Patricia isn't breathing.


The doctor can't find a heartbeat. Medical staff are hopeful Prossie


has turned a corner. But there is still a long way to go. Malaria is a


preventable and curable disease if caught in time. We urgently need


your donations tonight. Please call... Or go to...


I have been to a malaria clinics, and you never forget it. Since we


have run that film, two children have died of malaria.


A fiver could save two children's lives.


You can use your phone to save lives.


You can use your laptop to save lives.


I know we keep asking, but these children keep dying.


Standard geographic charges from landlines


But what mostly applies is your love reaching out.


Clash of the Titans now, and it's Team Rhythmic Gymnastics.


I just can't get enough of that lycra.


John, you're a dab hand with the ribbon, aren't you?


We have, in the Redgrave corner, Kate Garraway, Omid Djalili,


And in the Flintoff corner, Darren Gough, Maddy Hill


and the captain himself, Freddie Flintoff.


We will grab a word with these two in a minute, because they are


getting ready for the team triathlon. Let's remind you of the


team standings at the moment. It is looking good for Team Flintoff. Team


Redgrave just behind. Sophie, your team, in control. They are all


happy, they look like they are smiling. What is the feeling like in


the red team? Well, it is quite close, isn't it? Freddie is very


cool, calm, confident. But he is a bit take it or leave it. But when he


got out on the track, that last lap, you can see that just determined


that we should win. And Clara, your team is struggling at the moment.


This lot think you are mentally frail. First things first, I would


not call it struggling. We are only one point behind and I think we are


mentally strong, aren't we?! So, yes. We have got this! Who is ready


for another event? Let's do this. This is couple interesting one. It


requires athleticism, it requires sporting prowess. And you have got


to be good with your hands. Is is big, this is rhythmic gymnastics.


Good job I am not taking part, I nearly fell over! And the selection


process was brutal. Let's see who is going to come out. Rhythmic


gymnastics is the ultimate test of strength, coordination, and most


importantly, teamwork. As captain I am giving myself the ribbon. This is


an event I want to win. It tests everything about you. Coming from


EastEnders, obviously, I am going to put quite a bit of drama into this


performance. Watch this space. I have always been good with a ball.


So the ball is my weapon. Let's get it on, Redgrave. Sir Steve Redgrave


has assembled a pool in the squad of the very best in gymnastics. Hooping


is my life, I was hooping champion when I was seven years old. A lot of


people like to think of me as a UK Beyonce, with a ribbon. This is


serious. It is rhythmic gymnastics! I've seen the rehearsal. I can


assure you, you're about to see things you will never see again.


Whether you'd like to see them again is something completely separate.


Guiding us through this event, let's hand to our commentary team,


Christine and Craig. We are at the top of the velodrome and ready to


see a gymnastic competition like nothing else. Gymnastic fans, forget


the Olympic Games. The action is right here. The competition is


hotting up. Let's look at the teams. We have a team of professional


judges to assess the teams. They will score each team out of ten.


There's three judges, so the teams are looking for a maximum of 30


marks. Back to you Dan for the action.


Let's bring out the first team then, go wild for Team Flintoff!


# Live and let die # Darren Gough, Maddy Hill and the


captain, Freddie Flintoff! There we can see Darren with the ball looking


confident. Maddy has the hoop and the team captain, interesting,


Freddie Flintoff, taking the ribbon onto the floor.


They move straight to their positions, salute to the judges.


# So important to interpret the music here.


# Turn around # Plenty of drama sewn into the


performance. Good tumbling skills and look at the control with the


ball. Have to show mastery with the apparatus. That he does. Loads of


expression and a bit of skill as well. The hoop has to keep moving at


all times. The gymnast has to be at one with this apparatus. She's


really telling the story and how about this - elegance personified,


selling the routine with his face. Wow! Bit of artistic gymnastics as


well, head spring. You have to keep the apparatus moving all the time.


So important to finish in time with the music. And with the apparatus.


Are they going to make it? Just about.


CHEERING That was some special performance.


Look at that bromance there, the concentration, such a flamboyant


routine there. Slightly concerned about the fluidity of the routine.


Superb control of the hoop there and then you can see such ball control.


This is the difficult part. Look at the catch. Highest difficulty. Bit


of acrobatic skills. Not normally something you'd want to see in slow


mo. Look at the tears here. That was an emotional performance. Very


emotional. I hope that transmitted to the judgeds. I put my heart,


soul, everything into that. It's probably difficult for you to talk,


isn't it? Yeah, it is. Let's move on. You know all about selling a


story. What a story. What a love story that was. It was a story of


unrequited love. I'm still not quite over it. We're all on the brink of


tears at the moment. What do you think Bonnie Tyler would have made


this afternoon? Proper love story. I haven't seen Fred for a few years,


so it was the perfect song. The scores are in:


The red team are unhappy with the eight. What a performance, 26 Mr


Flintoff. It is out of ten isn't it? Yes, it is! We're happy with that.


That judge on the end knows nowt. Who's she? Is she a last minute


replacement. I will not be giving you her name. That is enough from


you. Shall we get our second team out. Here we go. It's Team Redgrave!


Tameka Empson, Omid Djalili and Kate Garraway. Kate with the ball, Omid


with the hoop and Tameka, we expect something special with the ribbon


there. They've a lot to do. 26 is the target to beat.


Resplendent in blue, so elegant in their presentation to the judges.


Very carefully choreographed start here.


Have to make sure there's no knots. Expressive from the start.


Synchronisation. # Her name was lola, she was a show


girl # Beautiful foot work, right on the


toes. Keeping the ribbon working all the time. Real expressive


performance here. Oh, fantastic splits! Great work with the hoop.


Keep it moving all the time. Boomerang, wow! How ambitious is


that. Fantastic work! The elegance of the ball. Lovely ball etic work.


-- balletic work. Secure handling. Good transfer from gymnast to


gymnast. They just need a big finish now.


Here it comes! Whoa, what style! What a very dramatic and original


performance there. Stacked with difficulty and full of originality


from start to finish. Even a bit of comedy thrown in there.


Just look at this, the control there. Showing great confidence in


the dance move. This, for me, was superb control. Very difficult to


control the ribbon. Up and down. And just watch this for something


different. The blue team absolutely loved that. You were at one with the


hoop. They say you play the Olympic velodrome twice in your career, once


on the way up, once on the way down. It's great to be back. You let the


ribbon live out there. That was the mantra of the day - let the ribbon


live. I'm glad you at home enjoyed that as well. Praise God. Have you


done enough to win? I think more than enough, don't you? Let's find


out from the judges. The scores are in:


Not another one is it? It's a ten! Seven to win.


Is it going to be a full house. It's a ten! A full house. The blue team


celebrates and team Redgrave are going bananas. Let's get


confirmation of what happened out there on the floor.


What a sensational result for team Redgrave. Maximum score, giving them


two points. Unfortunately a 26, team Flintoff settle for one. Dan, back


to you. We have got freestyle wrestling on


the way. Harry Judd will take on Paddy McGuinness, do not go


anywhere! Team Flintoff has six points, team


Redgrave also has six points. It's down to the wire for the fourth


event, the one we've all been waiting for, wrestling.


More from the VeloPark later on BBC Two,


when we'll see mankind's finest specimens Harry Judd


Two men all muscular and sweaty, writhing around together


CHEERING Who's want to see that? Both of us and everybody else.


OK, now, Sainsbury's has been selling all the official


Sport Relief merchandise, and everyone has been fundraising


So, former world champion hurdler and Wales's finest Colin Jackson


The last few seconds before a race feels like an eternity. All that


dedication and hard work comes down to this moment, millimetres can


separate gold and silver. Since the start of Sport Relief, Sainsbury's


has been a huge contender in the race to raise as much money as they


can for Sport Relief. People from stores all across the country have


been doing their bit to raise cash. Their staff have put on a


magnificent display by taking part in events up and down the country,


which has added to the huge Sport Relief total. They are also


supporting the Sport Relief Games bringing the entire nation together


to get active and raise huge amounts of cash. Down the home straight,


this is where all the hard work and preparation pays off allowing you,


the amazing customers, to fill your baskets with the official Sport


Relief merchandise - T-shirts, wristbands, pin badges, sweat bands


and these little guys. Money raised from these items have had a massive


impact across the globe. So, to all the wonderful people who work at


Sainsbury's and their fantastic customers, there's only one thing


left to say - thank you! Thank you so much Colin.


We love you Sainsbury's. Let's have a look at how


much they have raised. Honestly, thank you. I don't mind


paying for me plastic bags now. That is amazing.


You have all been at it. The country has gone Sport Relief mad. It's


brilliant. Thank you. When Ebola hit Sierra Leone,


parents were scared to take their children to hospital


in case they caught it. One of the outcomes of that terrible


situation was that cases of malnutrition increased,


and many children died of it. The Ebola crisis is over,


but sadly malnutrition The film you're about


to see is upsetting. People in Sierra Leone have faced


an unimaginable year in which Ebola But the truth is, ten


times that number of children under five die every


year from other causes. One of the most easily


preventable is malnutrition. This is the malnutrition ward


in the only children's hospital One-year-old Edward and his mum


arrived two days ago. As well as being severely


malnourished, Edward is extremely dehydrated and needs


to take on fluids. But his little body is so weak,


everything is a struggle. Malnutrition is not only a


preventable, but also a treatable But that relies on getting a sick


child to hospital in time. Like so many other children here,


Emmanuel's condition is a severe, because his mum could not


get him to hospital sooner. And it made the health problems in


Sierra Leone so much worse. But even before Ebola,


far too often, children were arriving at hospital


already dangerously ill. Already weakened by a lack


of nutrients, he also has pneumonia. For Edward and his mum,


life is extremely tough. Their reality, as for so many,


is an endless cycle Ultimately, this is the main cause


of malnutrition in under-fives. Through Sport Relief,


your money can educate parents on the importance of


getting to hospital And give these children


the chance they Please call... Or go online. Thank


you. It is awful. Malnutrition. It feels so helpless.


But what you can do is help to make sure mothers spot the warning signs


and get to hospital before it is too late.


Your donations can help us get the right nutrients to children


Edward's death could have been prevented.


Please, please help us to help others before it is too late


The moment we've all been waiting for -


the return of one of Britain's best-loved comedy characters.


Last time this was on TV was 1978 - Rod Stewart was number one,


Liverpool had recently won yet another European Cup, and Davina...


Well, Davina was 23. Betty! Actually, that was good.


None of this will be making much sense to the youngsters -


by which I mean people under 35 - but believe me this guy was Miranda,


Mr Bean and Mrs Brown all rolled into one hilarious man in a beret.


Kids, parents, and grandparents, don't try this at home,


but if you do, get sponsored for Sport Relief.


It is time for Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em!


I had better pull over. I do not want to have an accident. Hello?


This is Mr Fresco and is speaking. I am he. Who may I ask is calling? It


is me, Betty, your wife. You know it is me, it says my name. Oh, yes,! Am


I up your end as well? Where are you? You were such post to be here


half an hour ago. You're going to miss our daughter's big race. Don't


worry, I will be there. I have just got to pop in and get Jessica some


flowers. Oh, be quick. Don't fluster me, Betty. You know how flustered I


get lately, what with me going through the change. Men don't go


through the change, Frank. Well how else would you explain my recent


erotic behaviour? I think you mean erratic, Frank. They will you please


just hurry up? Stop! Stop! Betty! Help! Get out the


way! I can't stop! Get out the way! The brakes don't work!


You have ruined my car. You idiot! Excuse me, young man. An angry


motorist is a bad motorist. You clearly have not been driving very


long, or will she would have more consideration for a man on a


bicycle. What are you doing on the roof of a car, on a bicycle? Well,


if they had a proper cycle lane, I would not be up here! Your windbag


has just gone off. Do you know how much this car is worth? Well, this


one was not cheap. It is in better condition, too. Are you serious?


Indeed I were. And might I suggest that you take your driving a bit


more seriously in future. I am guessing you do not know what I do


for a living. You may have a new car and fancy yourself as king of the


road, but you are no Jenson Mutton. As my mother always said, Mira,


signal, manoeuvre. You know it is a must. If you can't drive without a


fuss, then give up your car, and get on a bus.


# I want to ride my bicycle... Oh! Unbelievable! I know! My daughter is


in one of those races. That is where I am going now. No, you can't ride


that in here. Well, it wasn't easy. You should get a ramp put in. How


much are these? 4.90 nine. Thank you. Don't worry, keep the change!


Jessica! Me? Not you! Sorry. Jessica Spencer!


Oh, what am I like? Hi, mum. Where is dad? He is not here. But I'm sure


he get here one way or another. Well, I had better get warmed up.


Yes. Good luck, Jessica! Bye! Excuse me, madam... Would it be


possible to borrow your helmet? In the interests of health and safety,


I am concerned about my cranium. Thank you. I promise I will get it


back to you. Do you live locally? Do you have a place of work? Have you


just arrived in our country? I work in London. Oh, good. Then you have


not got far to go. You hardly need a bike! I am Boris Johnson. Have you


heard of me? Oh! No. But it does ring a tinkle. I am going through


the change, though. It has been nice chatting, but I moustache. As my


mother always said... I have forgotten that, too. But I am sure


she was right! Goodbye, Doris! So, if you will just tell Ringo, I


won't be able to get there. Sorry! Bloody kids! Watch out! Can you


believe that? I can't comment, I didn't see it. First, i.e., David


Walliams, swam the channel. Then I swam the Thames. That is why it is a


great honour for me to unveil this statue of myself. Thank you very


much. Betty! Help! Hello? This is Mr


Fresco Spencer speaking. Who may I ask is calling? Frank, where are


you? I don't know, I have had a bit of trouble, Betty. All the signs are


upside down. I think I might be in France, Betty. Frank the race starts


in one minute. You have to get your skates on. Excuse me!


# Keep on running... Here we go again!


I've got some change this time. Congratulations, by the way.


Congratulations, Jessica! Great race! I did not win. They should


have told me which way round to go. The important thing is, you


realised. Yes. And it only took me three laps. What am I like?! Dad


didn't make it, then. No, sorry, love. But I am sure he did his best


to get here on time. We are nearing the end of this world


record attempt from Sir Bradley Wiggins. And it is truly


unbelievable from him. He is absolutely flying. If he can keep


this up, the record is on. Just three laps away from the record, Sir


Bradley is going to break it yet again! What on earth is going on


here? What is he like? Somehow, despite the unscheduled


interruption, Sir Brad is still on for the record. One lap to go, he is


almost there. Get off! Hello, Mr Wiggins, sir. I have never


seen anything like it! COMMENTATOR: How is he holding on?!


Have you seen Jessica Spencer? Who? No, I haven't. Have you seen Betty


Spencer, then? No, I haven't, get off! I think I am having a hot


flush. I will give you a bloody hot flush, get off! Here they are!


COMMENTATOR: Truly unbelievable! New balls, please. Excuse me, I am a


married man! COMMENTATOR: What is happening


here?! Out the way! That is an absolute disaster for Bradley


Wiggins... Coach David Brailsford has got to be fuming. I have never


seen anything like this before. I am in shock.


Jessica I'm so sorry I missed your race. It's OK, dad. It's just a


shame you didn't hear everyone shouting my name. I'm so proud.


Although I always think, if you haven't got anything nice to say,


you shouldn't say anything at Autumn I bought you a present. I left it


with Mr Wiggins. Mr Wiggins! Why are we stopping here? Because I really


need to get to the hospital. Sorry there's another incidents. Thank


you, Mr Wiggins. Oh, no. Take him away.


All things considered, I think it's been a really lovely day. Not for


Bradley Wiggins. I'm sorry I didn't win, dad. I just wanted you to be


proud of me. We're always proud of you. Even when I done a whoopcy on


the carpet. Did you? I don't remember that. Mind you, I'm going


through the change. I keep forgetting what I forgotten. Oh,


Frank. Oh, look! There's Doris: Hello again.




Thanks to everyone who took part in that truly special sketch.


You can see the full version of behind the scenes shortly


Plus, we'll be joined by Michael Crawford,


who will be here in person, on this very stage, when we switch


We're staggered by the support you've shown us tonight. You have


the power to change lives. I know some of the films we show you is


upsetting. This one certainly is. But we need to show you what we need


to change. We need to change this. Malaria, that's not a problem


we have to deal with at home. And it's getting


better, slightly, but In Africa, malaria claims the life


of a child every two minutes. The simplest way to prevent this


happening is for children to sleep And yet in Sierra Leone,


less than half of children under It is not good to see babies coming


here with these cases. Some, when they come,


they are very sick, really sick. It is like - malaria,


severe malaria, severe malaria, severe malaria,


severe malaria. Day after day, week


after week, month after month, this will keep going on,


year after year after year. Seven-month-old Mariatu has been


brought in by her mum. For a baby this young,


contracting this terrible Once malaria has


taken hold, there are And she has developed painful


ulcers in her mouth. It means she is unable


to breast-feed and has become But the sores in her mouth


make it hard for little Without food, she is


becoming weaker and weaker. For so many of the mothers in this


ward, the reason why they are here at all


is simply down to poverty. With barely enough money for food,


for Mariatu, it means there was no Malaria is still one of the biggest


causes of death in children under And yet every day,


these beds fill up with With every breath, this little girl


is fighting for her life. And with every moment


that passes, all her A fiver for two nets,


that's all it is. Don't be the one that


don't make the call. All you've got to do


is pick up that blower. Please, honestly, it is


the right thing to do. I'm meant to say a few words here,


but that says it all. Just please, this is real life. Just do whatever


you can. Thank you, Danny. Here with the official


Sport Relief single Running, # When you go,


to turn down the light # No-one's here to


hold you in the night # When you think you're


on your own # When our picture


fades in the sun # And all the colors blur


into one # When you think you're


on your own # Only stars are guiding me


back # When you think you're


on your own # When you think you're


on your own CHEERING AND


APPLAUSE It's almost time for us


to switch over to BBC Two, where you can see the brilliant


Smithy, and Michael Crawford And we have the huge


wrestling spectacular - You've been donating like crazy


tonight. We are so grateful. Let's find out how much has been raised so


far tonight. The total raised so far tonight


is... A staggering... Picture of the


velodrome... That is amazing! Thank you. Thank


you. Thank you for your incredible generous donations. Thank you so


much. Here's a look at what is still to come: Still to come, Smithy


outlines his plans to revolutionise football. I Smithy announce my


campaign to become the next president of Fifa. Find out what


happened when Jack Whitehall met Gareth Bale. You play with Rooney,


those puppies aren't going it look so bad are they? And Paddy


McGuinness and Harry Judd wrestle in the Clash Of The Titans. I have been


in that position with Harry before, but what a stag night that was All


that and more still to come. We're seconds from leaving BBC One, but


the fun and games don't stop her. No way Jose Mourinho, who you'll'


actually see. Switch over now to BBC Two. We have more sport, more


comedy, more lycra. Yes! Bye-bye everybody! Goodbye BBC One.


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