Episode 1 Three Men Go to New England

'We're on a mission to a place that sounds familiar

'but is, in fact, utterly different.

'It's like England, but rougher, richer and more Republican.

'We three men are in the far north-eastern corner

'of the United States of America.'

Listen, this is new to me

because I've never been to this part of America before.

Well, I have, a long time ago.

'We begin our journey off the coast of the state of Maine,

'the most northern of the six that make up New England.

'And we're headed south in an 80-year-old schooner,

'the typical boat of this region.'

-Why are we here now?

-We're here because...

Ha! This is what I want to hear.

Come on, you tell us, why are we here now?

Go on, tell us.

Cos they told us to come here.

-We've come here at the most exciting time in Maine's seasonal...

-What?

..change. Cos this is the time when a Perfect Storm took place.

-Great.

-We're just in October, we're just heading out.

So, of all the films we may recreate,

we're going for the one in which a boat capsizes and everyone's killed.

Yeah.

We have instructions with us, like Charlie's Angels. In this envelope.

-A lot of people...

-..which is going to tell us what we're supposed to do

-on this particular jaunt.

-A lot of people confuse this programme

with Charlie's Angels, don't they?

-Oh. It says "The Statue of Liberty."

-That's New York, I believe.

"Ellis Island." You read it, tell me what does it say in there.

"Dear three men in a boat, we are led to believe that

"the three of you know a thing or two about boats."

Collectively, yes.

But if you were to quiz us individually, it's mainly him.

"And so would like to cordially invite you to join the flotilla of

"vessels as America celebrates Lady Liberty's 125th birthday.

"The flotilla will sail in the Hudson River

"and assemble around the Statue at 12 noon on Friday, October 28th."

-Which I make to be...

-10 days.

-10 days' time.

10 days' time. "The choice of vessel is up to you.

"However, this is a very important event for the City of New York

"and the American people."

I'm glad they put that clause in.

What do they think we're going to arrive in? Like, a clown ship?

DARA HONKS

The doors falling off the sides.

-That might be appropriate.

-So, bring a boat.

-It's a bring-a-boat party.

Fantastic.

-'So, we have to find a boat.'

-Aaagh.

'But the decision won't be easy.'

All the big boats that we could take

are all out of water cos the season is over.

-Time is running out.

-It's got to do eight knots

-and it's got to have a hooter.

-BOAT HOOTS

'So, we tried to get a grip on America's true, core values.'

This has escaped from an Ohio zoo.

We've got the big man to spring 'em on. That'll scare them.

You're getting a kick in the head. Argh!

'Learn about American history.'

The thing about the Plymouth Rock, it hasn't got,

"Greetings from Plymouth" written all the way through it,

which has rather disappointed me.

'By wearing the funny hats of the Pilgrim Fathers.'

-My name is Griffith and this is Mr Rory McGrath.

-Your servant.

-Raaagh.

-Hang on.

'And then going native.'

-Now you want me to get you food on top of that.

-Oh, OK.

'And so make the right choice of vessel.'

If Jamiroquai had a boat this is what it would be like.

'To take part in the biggest, boatiest, most American

'of American parties that you could ever hope to be invited to.'

Well, you know, we don't want to crash the party.

My only fear, now,

is that we might screw it up by not being able to get a good boat

or getting a rubbish-looking boat or making idiots of ourselves.

Dara, you'd like a sort of motorboat of some kind, perhaps?

Yeah, I don't know. If I'm representing... Yeah.

You like powerful motorboats, one kind or another.

But whether or not this is the place for it as opposed to...

You'll be representing the Republic of Ireland.

I feel something humble, something to indicate, you know,

I like the idea of people arriving with only the shirts on their backs.

The trip itself will be so exciting.

Isn't this fantastic? To be here at this time of year, as well.

No tourists cos this is... Cos, just, there's the sense,

as you move into the state, that you enter into a genuine world

instead of a tourist world.

And it's good that the vacation's over, here.

And we can, sort of, get to grips with the real America.

And, Griff, maybe you should arrive in a coracle.

I don't want to say, I mean, you know, obviously,

it being a sort of Welsh boat, we have to be kind to coracles.

They have certain advantages.

Very light, very easy to carry, but they are intrinsically unstable.

Well, I'm a tiny bit nervous about this trip.

I'll tell you why, because, I mean, I spend a lot of my time

being very rude about Americans and American culture.

Not in public, obviously. I would never, ever say this in public.

I can say it to you cos, you know, you're Nick, you're a cameraman,

you know me.

But I do and I don't like the influence that America has

on the English language. So, for example.

But, now, I'm here with them

and it's going to be really exciting to hear what the Americans really

think of us British.

What about you, Rory? What sort of boat would you...?

What boat sums you up, Rory? A tug. A little tugboat.

-I don't know why you say that.

-I don't know, I just...

Do you see me as a tug man?

'From Portland, Maine, we're heading south along a coastline

'that's big in American history.

'Into Boston, around Plymouth, and across to Cape Cod.

'From there, it's out to Martha's Vineyard

'and finally up the Long Island Sound into New York City,

'where a large, green statue has stood for the last 125 years.

'A gift from the French to celebrate

'American liberty from Britain.'

'We eventually arrive in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, where we've arranged

'a lift with David Andreeson, head of the US Coast Guard for this area.

'David was actually at the 100th anniversary of the Statue

'and we're hoping he might have a few ideas for us.'

'The US Coast Guard is fundamentally different to the one in the UK

'in that it's a military appointment.'

Explain to me this, Griff. Why this very expensive,

waterproof, boaty gear, has hoods that you can't keep up?

Haven't you got a thing?

How does your job now divide up between, you know,

rescuing tourists or fishermen and the military side of it?

Well, definitely, after September 11th 2001,

our mission is, er, has gone a lot more towards law enforcement

and homeland security, especially right here in this port.

-We have a navy submarine base here.

-Yep.

We also have got a thousand-foot tankers

that will come from all over the world.

If I were the skipper of the boat, though, this is where I'd sit,

nearly all the time.

-With your face pressed up against the window?

-Pretty much, yeah.

What would you recommend we bring to New York?

Definitely one of these would be pretty good to bring down there.

You might have to fuel up a couple of times,

we don't carry a lot of fuel.

I used to be stationed at the station just south of here,

Newburyport, Massachusetts, it's in the Merrimack River.

And there's a boat shop there, it's about 150 years old,

called Lowell's Boat Shop.

Now, he might know of somebody, possibly,

that you would be able to take a ride with.

Oh, right, we'll check it out.

How was chief Dave, Dara?

Chief Dave was lovely, he was really, really nice,

and we had a good, old chat and he actually set up the next item.

-Has he?

-Yeah, he's set it up really excellently.

"You should go to Lowell's shipyard, he's very good."

Oh, ok, maybe we'll do that, then.

'And we do take David's advice and visit Lowell's,

'which is up 'the Merrimack River,

'just over the border into Massachusetts.'

This is Lowell's Boat Shop. A shop that actually sells boats.

It's the oldest continuously operating boat shop in the States.

In American terms, it's nearly prehistoric.

And it's the home of the fishing dory.

-Graham?

-Hello.

-Hello, I'm Griff.

-Hi, Griff.

-Good to see you.

-What a fantastic shop.

-Thank you.

So, how many boats do you make a year?

Now, I only make about eight or ten.

But eight or ten, though, that's a large number.

That's nothing compared to the 2,000 that they used to make.

-2,000 a year?

-A year.

That's seven a day.

What was the demand for that?

Who was buying that huge quantity of boats?

Fishermen. They were fishing dories.

So, back in 19th century,

they'd send a schooner out to sea with a bunch of dories on the deck

and they'd put them all over the side.

And these guys would go out fishing.

And the lifespan of those dories was about two years at the most.

-Standing in the rain.

-Yeah.

Is preferable to listening to Griff talking at some poor boat builder

-about boat building.

-Telling him how to build boats.

Telling him how his family have been building boats for...

-Since 1790.

-..220 years.

Griff is going to spot a flaw.

But these days, you're not making your boats

so much for fishermen, but for leisure purposes, are you?

Yeah, most of them are for pleasure purposes.

But I actually did make a boat for a lobster fisherman two years ago,

just like this, that he fishes out of, up in Maine.

And he's a traditionalist fisherman, he just likes to have a nice boat.

-No, he's actually a paediatric surgeon.

-Oh, is he? OK.

But he does it for fun.

Interesting tensions within New England, though.

Well, there's three states, New England states

that get on quite well. Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine.

-Yeah, they're all quite close.

-They like each other.

-They regard themselves as local.

-They're locals.

-But they all hate...

-Massachusetts.

-Yeah.

And the best thing we've learned is that the nickname of people

from Massachusetts in this part of the world is...

BOTH: Massholes.

-It's very pretty.

-It's gorgeous. It looks vaguely, er, Scandinavian.

-Do you think that? Do you get that...?

-I think it does, yeah.

-No, I don't get that at all.

-A, sort of, timber buildings, a lot of water.

You know, I should run with you with that, but, no.

A lot of blonde people. ABBA t-shirts.

You've completely, you've absolutely gone there.

Gloucester is still a good place for boats?

It's one of the finest, I do think.

It's still, kind of, a rough-and-tumble town

so it keeps a lot of the higher-end, yachty people away.

-Does it?

-So, it's still...

-Got a bit of an authentic tang.

-Yes, it does.

Well, that will appeal to Rory, that's...

-# Waterloo. #

-BOTH: # Da da da da-da Waterloo. #

Um, the plan isn't for us to row by the way, is it?

I think those boats are going to be too small for the Liberty Parade.

-Even if we were in the middle of it?

-It would be quite amusing if,

three individual people rowing.

-Hello. Pass the viewing stand.

-Yes, it's us. Representing Britain.

-And Ireland.

-Hello. Mainly representing Sweden.

SWEDISH ACCENT: Ya, Sweden,

we've come all the way from the fjords of New Hampshire.

Fjords are Norway.

I'm just balanced now.

'Next morning, Graham offers to take us

'for a poke around the nearby big harbour of Gloucester.'

'Gloucester has a sad fame as the home port of those boats

'that were lost in what became known as the Perfect Storm,

'which occurred 20 years ago, almost to the day.'

Are we overdressed for the conditions?

It seems to be quite a calm morning.

The sea is flat, the visibility is good and we're dressed in all this.

-I think you're fairly safe in here.

-Yeah.

Get into your swimming trunks, Rory.

A little nippy this time of year.

I'll get my bikini on and just lie in the front, here.

-These are dories, guys.

-Oh, there they are, oh, yeah.

Gloucester fishermen's dories.

'The first boats up are these sleek, black and lovely fishing boats.'

A big schooner would be lovely. It's a rather big boat.

-A big schooner'd be great.

-Are schooners good?

We're in the middle of an ongoing debate as to what kind of boat

would best represent us or boating or... And, also, what we can get.

-Those are tuna tails, are they?

-Yeah.

-Oh, right.

-Excellent.

-They're very good.

-And these are, actually, Irish-owned boats.

-Mostly, the crews are mostly comprised of Irish.

-Excellent.

-Yeah.

Great guys. Great guys to go out drinking with.

Yeah, we pride ourselves on that.

'Of course not every boat in Gloucester harbour is to be

'taken too seriously.'

-A little pirate ship, here.

-A fake pirate ship.

I doubt they'd make a fake pirate ship.

Graham, what do you think, a fake pirate ship,

-we all dress as Captain Pugwash?

-Yes.

FRENCH ACCENT: Formidable.

We'll rattle our sabres at the Statue of Liberty.

-Ah, there's a canon.

-A canon.

As you were saying, Pirates Of The Caribbean,

all the kids want to go do pirate stuff now.

-Fancy dress pirate ship.

-That's all right.

Steak special in a container with beef right on the side.

'After a busy morning on the water,

'we were hungry for a really delicious lunch.'

And a shrimp dinner.

'And we thought, let's try an American diner

'cos that'll be nice and light and healthy, won't it?'

-Good morning.

-Morning.

-How are you?

-Good. How you guys doing?

Very well, thank you.

-What can I get for you?

-We'd like a large quantity of food, please.

-Is that possible?

-I think so.

-Good.

What do you recommend, how are the scallops?

I, personally, like shrimp better. But scallops are delicious.

Well. OK, well, let's go for the shrimp. A shrimp dinner.

-You want the shrimp dinner?

-I'd like the clams.

-Clams.

-Clams.

And what is a jalapeno popper?

A jalapeno popper. It's a hot pepper with cheese and bread around it.

-OK. And bread around it?

-Bread around it. They fry it.

-I want one of those. And they fry it as well, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Super beef dinner.

-Super beef dinner. And what would you like on it?

-Fries?

-Err.

-Onion rings, salad or coleslaw?

-Forget the salad.

-No salad. You want coleslaw?

-And chips.

-Chips?

-Fries, fries.

-Fries, all right.

-Does that sound like a lot?

-Yeah.

-Is it?

-OK.

-We're all on a very strict diet on this programme.

-Fab, we look forward to it.

-Thanks, guys, I'll bring it right over, OK?

Thank you.

Ah, that's for the fishermen.

-Did we order too much food?

-I'm terrified...

about what I've ordered. No idea what it is. A super roast beef dinner.

That's a full cow.

They're going to roll a full cow out here

and roast it on a spit for 14 hours.

But this is like being in, er...

what's that film where all of those guys hang around a diner?

But nobody ever eats anything when they go to a diner in a movie.

They always go in there and only have a cup of coffee

-because they're having a meeting.

-Yeah.

So, the huge quantities of food that come off the counter never

-make their way into a film.

-We're about to buck the trend.

-Yeah.

The first to consume food in a diner.

-The clam dinner.

-OK.

-Who didn't want the scallops?

-I didn't want the scallops, just the clam dinner for me.

-Look at this!

-Mozzarella sticks.

-Thank you.

-They're the jalapeno peppers.

-Jalapeno poppers.

They're your jalapeno peppers, there.

-I might have to have a... Salad?

-What's that for?

-Yeah.

-That's the Greek salad?

-Yeah, yeah.

-The Greek salad.

-Another Greek salad.

-Wow.

-Another dinner and your coleslaw.

Coleslaw. Thank you very much, you're very kind.

And the coleslaw, that's yours.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Can I have a jalapeno popper, do you think?

Oh, listen, here, have some of the coleslaw.

A super dinner on the onion roll.

-Oh, lord, here you go.

-Woah.

-Super dinner.

This sauce on the side, it's barbecue sauce.

-OK, thank you very much.

-Try it on the beef.

-OK, I will.

-And the shrimp dinner.

Thank you very much, that's very kind. That's wonderful.

Do you know what else I like about it? It's all brown.

-How is the super beef, Rory?

-How much beef is in it?

-Oh, Jesus.

-Some of it's escaping.

-Genuinely. Look, it's falling into your coffee.

-That is insane.

-This has escaped from an Ohio zoo, this roll.

Thank God we're going to spend the afternoon digging roads and fishing.

Putting out fish traps.

-How you guys doing?

-We're doing good.

We're doing really... We're making quite the dent,

making quite the dent in this stuff.

-Keep going.

-Yeah.

-You've got a lot to finish.

-Lovely.

-Oh, lord.

I'm feeling hot now. I'm feeling...

Are we going to have a major sundae after this?

I thought you were going to say a major heart attack.

'After such a slap-up feed, we decided we needed a drink,

'and when you're in Gloucester, you really have to visit

'the most famous bar in the town, the Crow's Nest.'

'It was the local bar of the crew of the fishing boat the Andrea Gail.

'20 years ago, she sailed to catch tuna and she never came back.

'Mary's brother, Bobby, was one of the six crew.

'And he was just 30 years old.'

This was just a total freakish storm that...

-Yeah, yeah.

-..took everyone by surprise.

So, I think that's why there was so much hype about it.

But how did your brother come to get out into it?

He was having some financial difficulties

and he really needed to make some money.

And we knew Billy Tyne very well.

My mother, myself, my whole family knew him.

And we asked Billy, my mother and I, asked Billy to take him fishing.

Oh, really, oh, seriously.

'It's still a place for fishermen to hang out today.

'And the crew of the giant Irish trawlers

'we saw earlier seem to have settled in already for the evening.'

I noticed the boat with the shamrocks on it.

-That's a proper Irish boat.

-It's hard to miss the flags on the boat.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

But it's not like Irish American, it's not like third generation,

-that's an actual...

-No, no, it's, actually, most of the people

on board are from Killybegs, Donegal.

I know Killybegs, obviously, but Killybegs is, it's a small town.

Don't run down our wee home town, now.

I'm not saying anything, it's a nice place, it's a lovely spot, right.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

'Meanwhile, Mark a local lobster fisherman had been drawn

'to Rory's big, red face.'

-You are a lobsterman?

-I'm a fisherman that catches lobsters.

-OK, so that's different.

-We're all fishermen.

Now, listen, we've just come from a place,

you may have heard of it, up the coast, called Maine.

-Yes.

-You know?

-The great state of Maine.

-You know what I'm going to say now.

-Yeah.

Everywhere you go in Maine it's lobster, lobster, lobster.

Not quite as sweet as ours.

What was the exact circumstance?

So they say three storms came together and created a...

-Perfect Storm.

-But terrible conditions.

Yes, and they were basically in the eye of the storm, which,

I don't know what the chances of that are.

Actually being that spot at that time.

-You're a Massachusetts?

-Yep.

-Born and bred?

-Yes.

Now, this is a silly question to ask, isn't it?

Is there any Irish in your heritage?

Just a bit, why would you ask? Just a bit.

Well, hey, we're in Massachusetts. There's a tiny bit in me as well.

-I could see that.

-How could you see that?

-Er.

-I'm drinking a beer.

Might have been the paunch. The front porch.

-The paunch.

-I've got that too.

We were at the backshore, watching the waves.

It was an incredible storm, we were all watching it,

we always do when there's a storm, we live on the coast.

And I remember saying to my husband, "Do you think Bobby's OK?"

He said, "Oh, they're, they're not even near here,

"they're in Canada right now, they're fine".

We didn't know by then the storm had already hit them in Canada.

By then, the ship had already gone down and we didn't know.

And how long did the search go on?

Seven days, but they didn't start searching for,

until three days after, so it was ten days in total

that we just sat there and waited.

Everybody knows someone that's lost at sea,

And I don't know why we don't worry more.

-I don't know why. Because, I guess, it's their job.

-Yeah.

And they go to sea and we say, "Have a safe trip."

We say it to everyone that we know that's going fishing,

but you don't think that they won't come back.

'The next morning we relocated to Marblehead, down the coast,

'to meet up with yacht Nirvana, who was going to take us

'south to Boston and then on to Plymouth.'

-A beautiful day for sailing.

-It's a perfect day for sailing.

-It's a perfect day for sailing.

-And no other boats out.

'Nirvana is an 80-foot maxi, with an exceptional pedigree,

'winning virtually every classic ocean regatta for five years

'after she was built in 1982.'

'As this is the first vessel that could plausibly take us

'all the way to New York, I decided to explore down below.'

This is the galley area, erm, as we travel along,

we're clearly at something of an angle at the moment, as you can see.

The, er, but the one thing to note about the galley area

is that it is incredibly plush.

Now, normally, racing boats

and maxi racing boats like this are very, very spartan.

It's just the bare minimum and they sleep in bunks, but this one,

this particular one, as you can see around me, it's plush, it's leather!

It's, like, built for tall people, it's fantastic.

Let's have a look at...

..the... This is ridiculous.

Let's have a look at the main bedroom, all right.

Normally, this would be a bunk bed.

This is the captain's quarters, comes with plush bedding area.

Comes with full-length mirror,

comes with lovely view of your crew's legs.

But most of all, apart from if we get past this sofa area here!

Ouff.

Ta-daa! A bath!

Which is the most pointless thing.

Because, obviously, all the water would run down that end.

'And it's little touches like this that charmed its current owner,

'Charlie, into buying the boat 11 years ago.'

And who was the rich man who found the money to build this monster?

-It was Marvin Green.

-Yeah.

-Who was a television producer.

-A television producer!

-That's why this has a television.

We can't imagine that a television producer would make

that sort of money.

There would be letters n the Daily Mail in England

if a television producer managed to make that money.

-What did he produce?

-Sesame Street.

-Sesame Street.

-Which was quite a success.

-Yeah, yeah.

So, the profits from Sesame Street went to build

this state-of-the-art racing boat.

'Nirvana was heading off to the Caribbean,

'so wouldn't be hanging around for long in Boston.'

So, you're leaving here, what time?

We'll be leaving promptly at four o'clock today.

-Four o'clock in the afternoon?

-Correct.

So, we're not going to spend the night in Boston

having a tour of all the Irish bars by the sound of it?

-Er, unfortunately, no.

-OK. OK, all right, four o'clock.

That gives us about, er...

five hours in Boston to see everything, and do everything. OK.

Oh, Jesus.

When they say it's comfortable down here, you know,

it's not most people's definition of comfort.

-Ha-ha.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Brief appearance by the director, there.

If Jamiroquai had a boat, this is what it would be like.

'Boston greeted the golden dawn of the American Revolution,

'by dumping her British tax, tea, into the harbour.'

The Boston Tea Party happened just over there, behind me,

and, honestly, this is the point where Dara becomes extremely Irish.

And I, for the purposes of this particular visit,

will become very Welsh.

Because I have to say that there is no point in standing up,

particularly, for Great Britain in this particular stretch of water.

This is where we celebrate American liberty.

My own private history. I spent some time here.

I'm hoping to sneak away

and just have a look at some of the old haunts.

Ah, it's great being back in Boston, out of puritan New England

and into proper Irish Catholic Boston.

'In the centre of Boston Common, is a statue called America,

'a memorial to those who fought in the Civil War.

'It seemed a good place to review the task ahead.'

Their letter says quite emphatically,

"The choice of vessel is up to you, however,

"this is a very important event for the City of New York

"and the American people and all craft will be reviewed on the day."

Yeah, but like out of five? What are the criteria?

We don't know how many are turning up.

What if the flotilla is huge? Then we want to make some impact.

If we're reviewed really harshly by, you know, The New York Times,

apparently the show shuts down in a day.

That's if, Frank Rich in The New York Times.

-Well.

-Phooam, shuts the show down.

-In New York, people make instant decisions.

-Yeah.

-AMERICAN ACCENT: "Your boat sucks!" That sort of thing, kind of.

-Yeah.

What I'm baffled about is why something sucking should be

a bad thing, surely something sucking is a very good thing.

If someone says, "You suck." I'd say, "Thank you."

Or, you know, "That sucks." "Thank you very much."

What's wrong with the Americans that they think sucking is a bad thing?

"Hey, you suck." "Thank you, ha-ha, I do."

"I almost left my curtains open again." But, no, don't you think?

-Sucking's got to be a good thing.

-OK, all right.

But that's probably not what they mean when they say that.

Why are you being drawn into this?

Yeah, I'm on his side. Why are you being drawn in?

It's been suggested that we go and bone up on liberty.

-Ooh, or at least one of us does, yeah.

-Liberty.

-You're very good for this.

-Fraternity. Equality.

-Yeah, I do equality.

-Oh, I see.

-I'm all about equality.

You're going to do equality,

you're going to do fraternity, you're going to a pub!

Actually, I'm going to go to a pub

and try and see if I can nail the Boston accent.

-Accents and dialogues. Nostalgia.

-Yeah.

-And I'm going to go and do liberty?

-Yes, you are.

-Yeah.

-Thanks.

Good man.

-Shall we walk out?

-Shall we walk out of shot, yeah, I think.

'So while the others wander down town, I hopped in a cab west

'to revisit some old haunts that I was first in as a 20-year-old.

'20 years old, by the way, note that.

'The legal drinking age in Boston is 21.'

I didn't see that much of Boston really.

I mean, because I was working 13-hour shifts in the airport

and I'm not going to bring you there.

Um, and then there was the place that we sat around all day,

just a lot of us Irish people drinking illegally.

Which was our flat. I can bring you there.

You see, freedom is everywhere in Boston.

Freedom here, for these people here.

Freedom for these people, here.

Freedom and, er...

Well, perhaps, perhaps not so much freedom for those people there.

'But Boston, for me, was a perfect place to start learning

'a real classic American accent with Professor Connolly.'

-A lot of, most American accents have the rhotic 'r'.

-Yes.

And we linguists can say that sort of thing to each other.

A little errr, errr. But, actually, in Boston they don't.

-The word, "carrrr", which we say, like it is in...

-Is caah.

Caah, with quite a long...

There are two different pronunciations there,

-but they're both non-rhotic.

-Go on, then.

So, you can say, "caah", which is....

-Or you can say "kaaaaa".

-Kaaaa.

-Yeah.

And that's when people are trying to imitate a Boston accent,

they'll say things like, "Paaaark, yer kaaa in the Haaavard Yaaard".

-Very few people actually say that.

-That's great.

-Paaaark yer kaaa in the Haaarvard Yaaard.

-Yeah, you've got the idea.

-How was that?

-It was pretty good, yeah.

-Do you think so?

'No, it was terrible.

'After the Revolution,

'Boston continued to bang a drum for liberty.

'In the 1780s, Massachusetts became the first state to abolish slavery.

'I'm meeting Beverly Morgan-Welch at the African Meeting House,

'built in 1806 and one of the first black churches in America.'

In this building, this very building we're standing in,

there were important speeches made, and people got up and made testament

and made and pushed forward for the abolition of slavery.

Absolutely, this is the, really, nexus of the abolitionist movement.

And black people are not people who are as shy and as timid

and as shackled, if you will, as the history presents itself.

And they are talking and they are meeting, and they are

determining that if this country says it wants to be independent.

And it says it wants to be a democracy...

And a republic and a voice for all people.

Then let's make it so.

So, here on Beacon Hill,

-this became a sort of beacon for liberty in America.

-Absolutely.

'Meanwhile, I've arrived in the neighbourhood of Brighton.'

Oh, my God, it's not changed.

You really think they'd have painted it in the last 20 years.

There were eight of us in four rooms, not a four-bedroom,

four-room flat, right?

Sometimes nine, there were ten towards the end

and 17 on the night that U2 played.

And we slept on mattresses that we found dumped on the street.

So, we arrived, at one stage my mattress was in heavy rotation

and I remember going into change and there was a guy lying there,

and he rolled over, and around him, was his shape in sweat.

(I've always wanted one of these.

(This is, like, the only way I'm ever going to get one of these.)

Sorry, here. Hiya.

Oooh. Sorry.

-I thought you were going without me.

-Yeah, we were going to.

-Good to go. We are good to go.

-Good. Sorry to keep you.

-Glad you finally made it.

-Yes. Sorry, we did say four o'clock.

-That's, well...

-I got stuck in a Boston pub, you know what it is.

-That, er, that was...

-Sorry, Griff. Should we get Dara up here?

Cos it's so nice to be out here, you know, we're up here with the guys.

And there's a nice view of Boston.

-He's probably on his...

-He's bound to be asleep.

I bet, he's probably in Charlie's cabin, isn't he?

-On the Internet.

-He might be in the bath!

-Playing Angry Birds.

What I'm not seeing is what boat we're on.

I am not seeing Nirvana.

Which, as I recall, was really big.

I presume we're in the same boat.

KNOCKS ON DOOR. Dara?

We must be the first people here.

That is a suspiciously ugly boat for a very pretty marina, though.

-Hi.

-Hey, how you doing?

-I'm very, very well.

They do tend to do this to us.

I came here expecting some really big, luxury yacht.

-You missed your boat.

-Oh, really?

-It left about a half an hour ago.

-Where you going?

-I'm going to Plymouth.

-Well, I'm going that way,

-you want to take a ride?

-Can you take me to Plymouth?

-I would love that. That would be fantastic.

-Come on board.

-Have they genuinely gone on ahead?

-They already left.

There was a time, you see, in this show when you could curse.

See, it all got tidied up in the BBC.

-Oh.

-BEEP BEEP.

We'll have to update our course.

Doug, I love your work, but can I, one interruption?

Err.

Good news or bad news?

-I'll have the bad news first.

-Dara is not actually on board this boat.

This is some sort of punishment, isn't it?

Griff, Griff, he's behind this probably.

Cos I was all thrilled to be in Boston.

"Ah, I'm in Boston, where the Irish are."

So, they left.

They left in their fancy, poncy boat.

What's the good news then?

You found out that he's on his way in some boat?

The good news is that Dara's not onboard the boat.

Well, I'm on a real boat now, lads. And do you know what?

If this boat rams that boat, only one boat is left.

That's all I'm saying.

LAUGHTER

Let's drink a toast to absent, absent friends. To Dara O'Briain.

All: To Dara O'Briain. Whoever he is.

I'm really been looking forward to having this time, you know.

Just time to find myself. And, look, how lovely is this?

How...inviting is this?

Let me just...slide into bed.

Ooof, Jesus.

There, yeah?

OK, I may be a little cramped in the morning,

but, er, no, this'll do! Nice lads and nice boat, yeah.

I am declaring myself to be content.

If they could just knock off the engine noises,

then I could get some sleep. Perfect.

'So, we were all heading to Plymouth. Some in more luxury than others.'

'Plymouth was founded by the Pilgrims who came over

'on the Mayflower in 1620.

'So, it's known as America's Hometown

'and the birthplace of New England.'

'Griff and I had arrived before Dara

'and gone straight to the Plimoth Plantation.

'A kind of living museum which recreates those early days,

'down to the very last detail.'

'Rory and I had to fit in with the 1620s,

'which meant we had to fit in to period clothes.

'Head of shoe horns was Denise.'

We costume about 62 interpreters, and that includes trial volunteers

and folks that go out to the schools and education programmes.

Right, but the majority of them work in the museum, as it were?

They do. They all do.

Do they work on the, err...err...

on the, I'm going to say Mary Rose, but it's not the Mary Rose.

-No, it's the Mayflower II.

-On the Mayflower.

Absolutely, we costume them as well.

I'd say, even the Mayflower didn't have as difficult

a disembarkation as this.

Look at that, up the rusty ladder,

onto the falling apart... Where are they, though?

You're kidding me.

"Dara, hope you had a lovely night.

"We're at the Plimoth Plantation, see you there."

OK, Rory, so are you ready to be a 17th-century Pilgrim?

I am indeed. Now, are you wearing the actual costume that I'll be wearing?

-I am not.

-OK.

-However, I'm in the modern dress.

-What a shame because I think that's a rather nice look.

-Why, thank you.

-It suits you.

-Why, thank you.

We'd like to start with you putting on a shirt,

a 17th-century linen shirt.

-OK, do I take this off?

-Yes, that would be great.

-You say that.

Now, enactors, or what are they called?

-They're not called enactors.

-They're called interpreters.

-Are they strictly forbidden to wear watches?

-Yes.

-Do you need any help with those or is that...?

-That's very kind of you.

-I'll manage, thank you.

-It's working out OK.

-I've only just met you.

-All right.

And they have to learn to speak in the way that somebody

of that era would have spoken.

They do, er, we have several different dialects

depending on what area in England they were from.

-I like it.

-17th-century clothing is pretty tight-fitting.

-And I assume that...

-And I'm going to give it a little tug back here.

-There you go, you get a little more.

-That's lovely.

-You're a natural.

-Why?

-Cos it looks just terrific on you.

-You know how to flatter a man.

-Well, it's true.

Well, as instructed, I have come to the Plimoth Plantation,

which is a recreation of what the Pilgrims would have found here

in 1627. I presume there's a the Pilgrim part of it.

I'm very definitely in the Native American part of it.

-It's actually what we would call a mashoon.

-Right.

Mashoon just means boat in our language.

Ah, but traditionally,

you would have seen boats much larger than this one.

In the time period, they do talk about boats that were easily

60 feet long that would have been wide enough to hold

two rows of 20 people.

-But that's one tree presumably?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Which Native American tribe is this?

-We're Wampanoag.

Wampanoag people have been living in this area

for about 15-20 thousand years.

And were Wampanoag the tribe who had that first interaction

-with the Pilgrims?

-Yes.

You were the first to attend that very first Thanksgiving. Am I right?

-Yes.

-About 80 Wampanoag sat down.

-There were about 90 men.

-90 men. Sat down for the first Thanksgiving.

-Uh-huh.

Importantly, so it's one tree.

So, do you carve it out and charcoal the middle of it or...?

Actually, it's all done with burning.

Traditionally, you would see a fire the full length of the log,

burning around the clock, 24 hours a day.

OK, so why do this rather than just chiselling it out?

Well, the burning process not just hollows it,

-it actually hardens the wood.

-Yeah.

As well as it smoothens it and it waterproofs it.

That's why you want to work with a very green tree.

Right, cos there's sap in the tree?

Exactly, and all that sap will get pushed right to the outside

so all the pores will get sealed full of sap.

So, how long would it have taken to make, like, one this size?

Well, for one this size.

If we were burning 24 hours a day, have it done in about a week.

I couldn't get a ride in one of these, could I? Is there...?

-Maybe later on.

-Really, what's that?

We're actually going to be going to a clambake later.

Nice! I've heard of a clambake a lot, is that also a Native thing?

It is. It's more of like a cooking with food, but with seaweed.

Like a form of steaming it almost, but it tastes really, really good.

Griff? Griff?

RORY LAUGHS

GRIFF CHUCKLES

-Very dashing. Very, very dashing, my friend.

-Well, brother McGrath.

God be praised.

GRIFF CHUCKLES

You look...that's very good, quite cavalier.

I'm afraid you've got a silly hat.

But this is for you, Griff. I mean, I've seen you at the golf club

on Tuesday nights, and that's very typical, that's what you usually...

-There's something slightly Guy Faulksian about you.

-Good.

-Interestingly enough, is that a goatee beard?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-No.

Because I've read somewhere that there's an old law

of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts that says you cannot

have a beard like that without a licence.

GRIFF LAUGHS

'We don't have a licence to speak the American Mummerset dialect of

'the 1600s either, so we're forbidden to interact with the public.

'Nonetheless, we're ordered to stay in character at all times.'

-Good morrow.

-Good morrow.

-My name is Griffith and this is Mr Rory McGrath.

-Your servant.

My servant? You don't look like my servant.

But, indeed, I appreciate the gesture, good sir.

Fit these men up with a pair.

'Our duties were with the head of the garrison, Scott.'

I shall say, advance your pike to the first.

Come on, now, put that right hand up where it's going to guard your face.

Put your left hand down and guard whatever you will.

RORY CHUCKLES

And to the second!

To the third!

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

-Beautiful. How'd you get on, Griff?

-Badly.

-Get it inside your foot.

-I'd like to do that again, sir, if I may.

You'll be doing it again till it gets right.

I shall have you first to port your pikes. As such.

Right, men, port your pike! Upon the command.

Now, if you were to advance in that position, will they stand there?

Or will they scurry?

Pikemen, prepare to march. And march.

Stand! And stand!

-ALL: Raargh.

-That's it. That's it.

-Raargh.

-ALL: Raargh.

-Recover. Roar again.

-ALL: Raargh.

-Recover.

-Raargh.

Hang on. Where did that come from?

I just got carried away there, sir, forgive me, sir.

Your zeal is appreciated. Advance your pike.

-What's that again?

-Advance your pike.

-Ow, ah-ha-ha.

-Now he's stabbed himself in the foot.

Now you'll remember which is the right foot.

May I talk to your men? How did he make the crossing?

-Is my first question.

-Well.

-I wasn't carrying a pike.

-Well, that's true.

But look, this village is short of rations

but, seemingly, you've done OK.

-Sir, who be you?

-Who's got the tallest pike here?

-Have we met before?

-We have never met before.

-Who is this man who talks in this strange tongue?

-Yeah.

With peculiar words, words of the devil.

I-I'm sure I've seen you in a sketch by Benny Hill.

Could you just do this?

-Like that.

-Was he in a sketch of some kind?

I'm sure I have seen, I have bought

a small version of you in a gift shop in Swansea.

The, err, it was...

You look like a tiny doll, representing the best of Wales.

And may I say, as a visitor, if I was a Native American,

I'd go through the middle.

I'd go straight through the middle, under your pikes.

You say that, we'll give him typhoid on the way through.

-We have a request of thee.

-Yes.

-Could you escort us from this place?

-I could, I could.

To a place of lunch.

I could. I know a place where vittles...vittles, vittles,

will vittles do? Vittles will be served soon.

Just take us, as far as the gate would be fine.

Take us as far as the gate and then from there on perhaps it would be

possible for us to revert to the characters as you formally knew us.

-Could we possibly leave the pike? Cos it...my...

-Oh, I'll leave...

-It's not that sort of restaurant.

-My vittles joint has a no-pike thing.

'Back in the slightly less authentic real world, we go to meet a rock.'

I find something sweet about this in, a kind of a...

Every country has their creation myth.

-Yeah.

-But they can actually place it here.

-In a Japanese...

-It's not actually the rock they stepped on, is it?

-Is it not?

-No, there were lots of candidates for that actual rock.

It was just chosen as a rock sometime in the 18th century.

The thing about the Plymouth rock, it hasn't got,

"Greetings from Plymouth" written all the way through it,

which has rather disappointed me.

Here we sit, we're looking at it, where do we stand on it?

Do we think that it helps us in any way?

Does it say anything about egalita...?

No, well it's a rock. I don't think...

No. The Thanksgiving dinner may, perhaps, be a good sign of egalit...

Now, I think, I think that's fraternity.

I think the Native Americans

and the settlers coming together to give thanks

Right, liberty?

No, it has nothing to do with liberty either,

it's just a place where people put a foot on ground.

There was liberty, cos the people who came over,

-they were suffering persecution, weren't they?

-Yeah.

It symbolises what the Statue of Liberty also symbolises.

Which is bring me your poor, your huddled masses,

bring me the persecuted people of the world. Yeah.

Bring them to this country and settle them down

and get them to work in a fast food outlet.

How appropriate that they should first set foot on a rock

with 1620 engraved on the side of it.

-Handy, isn't it?

-They thought, "That's useful."

They wouldn't have seen it cos it's engraved on this side.

Why isn't it the other way?

Let's go look at the other great symbol, the Mayflower.

There couldn't be a more ideal boat than The Mayflower, really.

Well, it ticks all the boxes in many ways.

-Visitors, British visitors.

-Yeah.

-First stepping in.

Stepping in, I mean, there'd be tears,

there'd be weeping on seeing the Mayflower.

The Mayflower from the Statue of Liberty.

-This one.

-Two giants collide.

This one is seaworthy, it made its way here in 1957

or something like that. So, it's a replica, it's not the real thing.

-No, of course not.

-And it's obviously being a replica.

And it was built in Devon, wasn't it?

-Something like that.

-Yeah, so.

-So, in every way.

-It's perfect.

If we could get that boat down to New York.

It didn't come from Plymouth anyway, it came from Harwich.

But I thought THEY came from Plymouth.

THEY came from Harwich, on the Mayflower, originally, and then

they went to Plymouth. Plymouth was just the last place they left.

This place should be called Harwich.

It should be called the Harwich Rock.

But we're in the middle of New England,

there's bound to be a Harwich two miles down there.

And another one two miles down there as well.

'This boat would be the perfect vessel to take to New York.

'So, we sent Rory on a charm offensive to see if he could

'get Peter, the man in charge of Mayflower II, to let us have it.'

Now, that to me, looks like a magnificent, historic boat.

I mean, how authentic is the replica?

Well, it's as authentic as we can know.

It was very thoroughly researched back in the '50s by a man

named William Baker. I think he spent six years trying

to decide what the Mayflower II would have looked like.

Well, the question I'm leading up to asking, I suppose,

is that we are here to take part in a flotilla,

which is to commemorate the 125th anniversary of the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, nice.

And they've asked us to choose a boat which has a distinct connection

to America and Britain. And something historical and imposing-looking

and I just think that ship is just the perfect candidate for it.

In more than one way that is the perfect candidate for it.

The Mayflower was built as a gesture of thanks from the people of England

to the people of the United States, following World War II. And one

of the builders, one of the founders of that project, Warwick Charlton,

was thinking on the terms of the Statue of Liberty.

The way that the French gave the Statue of Liberty

to the United States.

It would be a terrific, symbolic and actual voyage.

A perfect choice.

However...

It's a very expensive undertaking, requiring us to train a crew.

And we don't have an engine on Mayflower

so we'd have to hire a tugboat to get us out of this very....

-We've got four days.

-Well, we need a few more than that.

We've got three able crew.

So, I'll tell you what, I don't know if this will

change your mind at all but, you know.

We want to take your ship to New York. What do you reckon?

I think you're going to need a little wad of money

-a little bit bigger than that.

-OK.

-Let's go and see if he's got it.

-Yeah.

That would really be a surprise, if Rory says, "I've got it."

'Down at Plymouth Beach, far out on a spit of land,

'the Native Americans had organised a clambake.

'All we had to do was get there. A mile and a half by dugout canoe.

'It's a long way in a primitive craft,

'and even further with primitive rowers.'

Are you giving us a life jacket or are we getting them...?

-We got two in here in each boat.

-So if we need them it's fine.

-You won't need 'em, I'm a good driver.

-Excellent.

I'm not an excellent co-pilot, though.

That's why I'm going to be in the back,

-you're going to be in the front.

-Fine.

Whey!

-OK.

-Let's get out of that surf.

Which side are you canoeing?

-That one there. There we go.

-Hold on.

He-hee.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. OK. Woah.

-Oh! Oh, oh, ooh.

-That is not funny.

-This is a very unstable boat.

-Cheeky.

I think an hour's going to be optimistic.

-How many strokes each side would you say?

-Whatever you think is best.

-OK.

This feels very different from canoes I've been in but, you know,

touch wood!

-Ga-aah.

-That's me, sorry.

-Aah.

-It's all right.

How far do they want us to go? Can we not just go back in now?

We've demonstrated the practicality of sailing these canoes.

And I get the feeling that we should head right for the shore now

and get out of it.

I think we're going to the clambake, which is farther up.

-How far up is that?

-Past that white house.

-We saw a shark out here during the summer.

-A shark?

-A black shark.

-About a ten-footer.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Is he here now, do you think?

-No.

-Where did you take...?

-Whaay.

Watch out, there. You don't want to be hitting that one.

There's great whites in these waters during the summer.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Despite my best efforts, this boat is too light.

This is a great distance for us to travel as novices.

-What's the distance we're going now?

-What's the distance?

-About a mile and a half.

-OK, a mile and a half.

-Close to two miles.

Not too far to go now.

This is a weird feeling. It's like being in a pair of jeans

that's about five sizes too small for you, you know?

And you can't really move.

But, luckily, Brian, are you still there?

-Paddling on, paddling on!

-All right, excellent.

-OK, good. All right.

-Woah, woah, woah, woah.

-We deserve this clambake.

-Man, do we ever.

-GRIFF LAUGHS

I couldn't believe it when they said. I said, "Where are we going?"

"Just the little, white house over there."

The little, white house is all the way back there!

-ALL LAUGH

-I had to tell you that.

If I told you down here, you would've turned around.

Now, we kiss the land we've landed on.

-What? So, this is like our arrival on Plymouth Rock, is it?

-Ah.

Just because you kiss it don't mean you own it!

GRIFF LAUGHS

-Hey, great work. That was really good fun.

-I enjoyed that.

-Well done.

'So, other than to get us wet, tired and grumpy,

'we got a chance to bond with our new Native friends.'

'Which was just as well because they and their families

'were about to feed us.'

-Now, Brian.

-Yes.

-Where's the seafood?

The sea food, well, you got to go get it.

You didn't come here for no reason, we need help too,

so, you got to go dig for some clams.

Somebody collected all these rocks.

They collected all this wood. They collected all this seaweed.

-Now you want me to get you food on top of that?

-Oh, OK.

I did all this, next thing you know you want me to build you a house.

OK, point me at a lobster.

At a lobster. OK, well, in that gully,

-I'm sure we can find some.

-OK.

Have you ever had one of... What are they called, ple-theee,

plathathathagh, which are barnicles which the Spanish eat?

-Plathathatha?

-Plathathatha, yeah.

-Percebe, I think.

-Percebe.

-Wait a minute. What is this? Oh!

-We found a lobster!

-Oh, my God, you're kidding me!

-Wow!

Just happened to be having a wander around.

-Oh, my God!

-It's even got elastic bands on its claws.

-I can't wait for them.

-Careful!

One of the fishermen told us that there are eight million lobster pots

on the New England coast, which means

there's lots of lobsters, which means this isn't that surprising.

Cos they get trapped in here when it moves out and aaah,

he's all spindley, and he's all grabby.

All right. I'm going to delicately transport him back.

-Woah.

-Watch out, that'll take your head off.

Don't get too attached to that lobster, Griff, you know, don't

start bonding with it because we're going to stick it on the fire.

Never name your food.

I spent most of my nights in something called

The Thirsty Duck, I think.

Who's going to walk over them first? Come on, Rory, let's go.

You can do it. You can do it, we believe that you can.

How glowing!

'With the stones now hot enough,

'we spread them out and covered them in wet seaweed.'

Oh, that's hotter than it looks, isn't it?

-Oh.

-It is hot, isn't it?

-Good crackling noise there, guys.

Oh, I see, you just stick 'em on the mats and stick 'em in.

'Delicately handwoven rush matting goes straight on the fire now

'to form a protective layer,

'so that the lobsters and clams can be smoked and steamed and baked.'

-Excellent. Lovely stuff.

-Can you bring it right over there, please.

-A little wait on those.

-OK, cool.

-Brian, do you have a wine list?

-A wine list?

We've got a good Merlot that's available.

But you got to paddle back and go get it, we left it over there, so.

No, no wine.

-Put that one on. Then more.

-Perfect.

-Seaweed?

-More seaweed, we're going to cover this,

-as much as we can get on it, guys.

-OK.

Well,

the sun's going down over there after a beautiful day

and we're just waiting for our lobsters and clams to, er, broil up.

And, perhaps be, apparently, the most delicious food

you could ever eat.

Difficult to know whether things are going well.

I suppose you could say that they are, in some ways.

In other ways, not so well.

We haven't really got close to the right boat for our trip.

Those little canoes we were in, inherently unstable,

we couldn't do eight knots in them, and it's three and a half miles

and just one and a half miles nearly killed us.

We've been in Nirvana,

but Nirvana's sailing away down south and can't help us.

We've been in various antique and beautiful boats but we don't know

whether they represent, for us, any real contribution

to the idea, either, of liberty or being the three men in a boat.

I think we still have some difficult choices ahead of us.

But, in the meantime, I suppose we'll have to just sit on the beach

and eat lobster.

It's tough.

Keep going. Pull it. Get that mat off. We've got to get that mat off.

-Wow.

-Look at that.

-Look at this!

Mmmm. Oh, man, that's good. Wow.

-They're not bright red through.

-Not just bright red.

-We'll pick the ones that are...need a little bit.

-OK.

Did you just use a stone to open a lobster?

-You've gone native.

-I've gone native.

-Completely.

-We have utensils too, you know.

-Really?

-We can get you a fork or a bowl.

-Oh, no.

-Unbelievable taste.

-He's going to run wild into the...

The smoke and the seaweed. The flavours taste like

drinking Laphroaig whisky.

Really, really, sort of, deep seaweedy, iodiney taste.

-It's beautiful.

-Take the claw.

-OK.

We can, I mean, you know, they're fresh through.

Oh, wow, God.

You get the water coming through first, don't you?

-Yeah, but then you get a hit of it.

-OK.

Is there a sort of toast

or cheers or something you can say in your language?

-Yep. Huuurgh.

-Huuurgh.

-Huuurgh.

-Huurgh.

-Huurgh.

What does, how do you translate that?

-It means, all right.

-All right.

-Huuurgh.

-Huuurgh.

-We all say...

ALL: Huuurgh.

And we also say...

ALL: Mmmmm.

And what, how would you say thank you?

-Ka tappa ta.

-ALL: Ka tappa ta.

Ka tappa ta.

Well, on behalf of the three men, ka tappa tas.

'In the next Three Men:'

'Time is running out to find a boat for that flotilla.'

It's got to do eight knots and it's got to have a hooter.

BOOT HOOTS

'The task proves to be more difficult than we thought.'

It's useless there's nothing here, we're too late,

we've left it too late.

'But on the way into New York,

'Dara lives his American dream.'

'Griff finds boating nirvana'.

We'd be representing British craftsmanship.

Exactly, the American flag, what better way to sail into the Hudson?

'And Rory. Well, he seems happy too.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]