Episode 2 Three Men Go to New England

'So far, on our quest to find a boat

'to take to the 125th birthday party of the Statue of Liberty...

'..we've nearly bagged the Mayflower II...'

We want to take your ship to New York. What do you reckon?

I think you need a wad of money a little bigger than that!

'..nearly stuck Rory's head on a pike...'

Stand and stab!

-ALL:

-Raarr!

'..and nearly left Dara behind...'

Dara is not actually on board this boat.

-They've genuinely gone on ahead?

-They already left!

Now we've just five days to find a boat we can all agree on...

-You, stop crawling up to him.

-It's a boat I've seen.

-'And it's available...'

-I think we just missed you.

'..and get to New York in time for the party.'

Right, is the fun part over then? Is it now just blag a boat time?

-Any boat.

-Time is running out.

It's got to do eight knots and have a hooter.

'We've left Plymouth on board the sports fishing boat, the Andy Lynn,

'with skipper Mario, to cross Cape Cod Bay.

'We're on the trail of a boat with an extraordinary history,

'one that may be a strong contender to take to New York.'

We can just see Cape Cod now, coming out ahead of us,

like a sort of mirage coming up out of the horizon.

A great big spit of land, and right at the end of it is Provincetown,

which is where we're going now.

Although on the way

we hope to see some, some fish, cos we want to go fishing.

And we hope to see some whales,

not that we're fishing for whales, we want to see them leap about.

I know, I know, I know...

this looks ridiculously relaxed and fun and...

but we're doing it for a reason.

Got to get from over there to over there.

You may be wondering, by the way,

why I'm suddenly in my wet gear.

I've been sitting on a couple of chairs here,

and it's like Elvis playing a convent school.

There isn't a dry seat in the house.

Mario, the intention is to fish

just off the edge of the, of the bay here.

Right, right now you got about 300ft of water.

It's going to come to about 30ft, just like that.

We just passed some guys. What are they fishing for, then?

-Tuna fish.

-OK, and what are we going to fish for up here?

-Mostly Blues.

-Blues? Blue fish. Right.

'After casting the lines, and waiting for an age,

'we still haven't caught anything.

'The first mate, Chris, gets us to reel them in to check.'

God, the actual pulling it in is exhausting.

It pops out of the water. Here we go.

Thanks, Rory. Thank you.

Right, nothing coming in. Oh, look at that!

We caught... What the hell is that?

That's a...

Is it mussels?

-Not entirely sure.

-That is weird.

-We should call it some weird species of mollusc or something.

-OK.

-Shall we consign it to the sea?

-Yeah, throw it back into the sea.

I don't want to be a party pooper, but these look like bits of black,

black cable to me.

But do you know what? We're concentrating too hard,

because the only way you catch a fish is to be completely distracted

-and doing something else.

-Stick the line in...

And go and do something else, you know...

Everybody quits, they go down, they get lunch...

-Then suddenly...

-Then you get somethin'.

Concentrating too hard. 'The distraction we're looking for soon pops up.'

-Whale!

-Oh wow, Jesus.

No, it was up,

it surfaced, and took a big blow,

and now it's gone down.

Fish on! Fish on!

-What?

-It's a fish

They've got a fish.

That's my line. Get down!

I knew we'd be distracted. You see

we got distracted by the pilot whale,

and now we've got a fish. This is inevitable.

Give us instruction here.

What should I be doing, Chris?

-Just pulling it in.

-Just wheeling it in. Let's get him in.

Dara is in my seat!

'The crucial moment is in the last few feet

'where the fish can escape in the wake of the boat.'

I think this one is...

Woah!

Whey!

'We don't reel in hard enough,

-'and fish gets off the hook.'

-Did it get off?

Hey, got a glimpse of you and ran the other way.

-You're kidding me.

-Aargh!

Mine got off as well!

-Well done, boys. Well done, great work.

-Mine got off as well.

This is how fish work -

they send a whale so we all run to the front of the boat to see it,

which is genuinely quite brilliant,

and then while we're at the front of the boat, then they get snagged,

and we all have to climb down and climb up,

and then we made a mess of it.

So we caught nothing

except each other's lines every so often,

but we did see a whale.

'With the fishing successfully flunked

'by the class of 2011,

'we head for Provincetown, also known as P-Town.'

'Its exposed position to Atlantic storms,

'has shaped Provincetown's history.'

Oh, it's pretty isn't it?

And the tower is quite interesting. A bit Rapunzel, isn't it?

We've seen the tower from a long distance.

We saw it from the other side.

It's a water tower I guess,

maybe it's a watch tower for looking out at sea.

Not a water tower, too skinny, tall, straight.

Only get a couple of cupfuls.

'The tower is actually a monument

'to where the pilgrims first landed during a storm,

'before they relocated to Plymouth.'

'In the 1800's,

'the great east coast fishing grounds brought Portuguese fishermen here.

'The industry was nearly destroyed by storms at the end of the century,

'so sea captains offered cheap accommodation

'to visiting artists, playwrights, and actors.

'P-Town became 'gay town'.

'It's remained so for 100 years.

'It now has the highest proportion of same sex couples

'in the entire United States.'

'And it's the storms along this coast

'that have given this boat such an extraordinary history.

'Originally based in Chatham, 50 miles along the Cape,

'Lifeboat 36500,

'has been fully restored by local enthusiasts.

'It's the last of its kind.'

On February 18th, 1952,

the Chatham crew took this boat out

to find out what, a radar sighting they had,

of a stern section of a T2 tanker that had been in half, in the storm.

Well they went out in about 35ft breaking sea.

And it was dark.

The Pendleton had power and the lights went on.

They saw this little boat down below,

threw down a ladder, and started climbing down.

Pretty soon, "Wait! Don't all come down at once."

And they all came in. All jumped in.

-Into this boat?

-Into this boat. They put 27 up in here...

-Wow!

Four back there, and they lost one there.

On the way back, they thought they were going to run it on the beach,

but as they all said, they felt that there was an extra hand at the helm,

and they were able to get in to Chatham,

and brought them all ashore.

This has now become a registered historic place.

That is correct. It is history. When we take that helm

and stand there, we feel we're on hallowed ground.

Dick, thank you for inviting us onto your boat.

-Could you make a trip to New York?

-New York City?

-Yeah.

Um, yes.

-How long will it take you to get to get down there?

-Ha-ha!

Well, she makes eight knots, which is about what,

nine miles an hour, something like that?

We've been to New London, and that took two days,

so I'm guessing four days.

We've a bit of an event to get to,

and I think this could be exactly the kind of boat

that would grace such an event.

So who's going to bring it back?

No, that is never my problem.

That is never my issue about how things get back.

'They can't take us to New York.

'But they're going to give us a lift along the coast to the Woods Hole

'where we can catch the ferry to Martha's Vineyard,

'a place famed for wooden boats.'

Am I being naive to assume that now

or at some stage in the island's history, there was grape growing?

That's when the Gosnold arrived.

Captain Gosnold came along, and he landed on the island,

and the whole island was covered in grapevines,

-and he named it after his daughter, infant daughter, Martha...

-Yeah.

-..and there were grapevines all over Martha's Vineyard.

-Oh.

-That's a nice story.

Is there an obituary column in there, Griff?

-No, there's "Things to do".

-Check whether we're in it.

Have you noticed by the way that as we film this,

because we've been in the country for six days.

And as we film this, we have got weird looks from all the Americans as we've been doing this,

cos we don't look like anyone who's ever appeared on American television.

That's right, yeah.

Yeah, all the news anchors, all the daytime hosts...

-All the pretty, handsome people.

-All the stunning, well-quaffed...

-Well-dressed, yeah.

We look like those guys who appear on the daytime TV shows

to say that their mother has beaten them up

-and thrown them out...

-Yeah.

'Dara and I intend to inspect the lifestyles of the rich

'and famous who generally live on this island.'

'In genteel Edgartown, there's a house up for sale,

'so we pose as a couple interested in buying, and luckily realtor, Langdon Clarke, plays along.'

-Er...

-Right.

-So, in other words, you are good cop Mummy, and I'm bad cop Daddy, right?

-You're bad cop Daddy who thinks it's a bit expensive.

-Man, that's easy, I can do that.

I'm the wife who thinks it's adorable in every respect.

-I like you.

-If you don't get it, are you going to withhold sex?

-Probably.

I love this place and I want to be in Edgartown,

I've wanted to be here ever since Marjorie moved here...

The assumption was that this was where the help stayed when the house was first built in '92.

-We can't afford that.

-We need a help.

-We need a helper!

-We need a help. Downstairs...

-This is big for the help. Is the help getting this?

-No, this...

-We took care of the help in the old days.

They were worth their weight in gold.

As we come up from the guest apartment down here,

you will come into the front foyer,

which either goes to the kitchen...

-Yeah.

-..or your front foyer here,

-out to your dining room with, again, the view of the water...

-Yes.

..as well as your pool, Chappaquiddick on the other side.

-Does this house have a "widow's walk"?

-It does.

-I'll be able to go up there

and look out from the top of the house

-to see you coming home from fishing.

-Me?

-That is correct.

-OK, what is this, then?

-This is the master suite,

it was known by the family of the house as "Grandma's suite".

This is where the magic happens.

-OK.

-Out here.

Here's the "widow's walk", the classic Captain's house.

-Griff'll get through, he scurries through the little holes.

-Yeah.

-Oh...

-Yeah.

-Your wife is very skinny.

Yeah, thank you very much. I'm very proud.

-Quite the trophy bride.

-They all had them.

If you look around town, you'll...

-Do you want a hand, dear?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-There's one over there.

-Next door. Be careful of the railings...

-I will do.

..because the older houses are...

Look down North Water Street, the other parts of the island...

Can we get to the critical issue?

It's a seven bedroom house. What's the floor space?

Legally it's listed as 3,000,

but that doesn't include the two bedroom apartment.

Include that and you're closer to 5,000 square feet.

-OK, and, um...

-Seven bedrooms,

six baths, two half baths.

It's going on sale on an auction, on an online auction.

Concierge auction with a minimum bid of 3,250,000.

If you did not want to go to the auction, and buy it directly, 7.5 million.

Seven and a half million.

You're expecting it to come up a way from the minimum bid?

-Yes, we do.

-I'm...I'm...I'm stunned,

I knew it would be expensive, but, um, my God,

it's an old, decorated house, it's an ugly house in some ways,

-and now you'd have to do a lot of work on it.

-You will.

Next door sold three and a half years ago,

for 8.5 half million. They tore it down, didn't replace it.

They just re-did the guesthouse down in the water.

Darling! Darling, we can afford it.

We can't. There are other things we can afford.

-I can't moor a boat here...

-We've got to come here.

-There's nowhere else to go. I'm not going to Nantucket.

-Good.

'After lunch, an appointment at Gannon and Benjamin's boat yard.

'Years ago, Ross Gannon used to own my sailing boat, Undina.'

It's weird, it's like two men

who shared a wife, er, discussing, "Oh, I had her in her early years."

"Well, I had her when she was older and wiser..."

"I treated her better than you did." Ha-ha!

I'm sure you treated her better than I did. Ha-ha!

'We need to compare notes,

'while the other two get a tour of the harbour with Nad.'

Alabama would be a candidate, but she's all down rigs,

see the sails are off her, she's put away for the winter, so...

Juno would be possibility, but she's got her mast down, so, er...

In all seriousness, Nad, have we come at a really bad time to do this?

-Well...for this harbour, yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

So, the boat we're going to take to New York

will probably not come from here?

It doesn't look too promising right now.

'Things were not looking good, and we needed a plan.'

Are we lowering our standards or are we not looking for the dream boat?

-Just get on with it?

-The ideal boat would be lovely, but we've just got to get a boat.

-The dream boat...

-We've seen the dream boat once.

-The dream boat was the Mayflower.

-We've not got it.

-So now that we've happily dumped our aspirations...

-Mmm.

Can we get anything? Is this fun part over, then?

-Is it now just blag a boat time?

-Just a boat, any boat.

Time is running out.

It's got to do eight knots, and it's got to have a hooter.

'Having agreed to set the bar as low as we can,

'we take the evening ferry west to Newport.'

'Next morning in Newport looks like a great place to find a boat -

'home of the America's Cup.

'On this coast, it's the harbour where the really big sailing boats go,

'particularly when they don't want to stand out.

'Nonetheless, with time running out,

'I think we should start getting canny.

'I'm going to start phoning ahead to New York.'

Hi, I'm ringing about the, er, the schooner Pioneer.

We need a boat this Friday.

What about Indy 7, is that too small?

'Dara may be randomly trying for a lifeline by phone,

'but I've called a friend. It so happens in Newport there's a Spirit Yacht,

'called Bamboozle, expertly hand-made in Ipswich, England.

'She was brought to the States by enthusiast, Tina.

'She looks a classic, but is made with a sort of science fiction, technical expertise.

'The question is - can we have her?'

So Tina, we really desperately need a boat,

and this...this is the perfect boat

to take to the 125th anniversary celebrations of the Statue of Liberty.

What do you think about...? I don't...

You know, I'm talking about taking the Spirit down there, it's like...

I think it would be a fabulous idea.

I think if it could be done, it would be the best experience ever

to sail her right in the Hudson River, right up to the Statue of Liberty.

I can't think of a better vessel or yacht in the United States to do that,

except for this particular Bamboozle Spirit yacht.

To be representing British craftsmanship.

Exactly.

British craftsmanship, the American flag,

all wooden boat, spirit of tradition.

-What better way to sail into the Hudson?

-Indeed.

'So, with just three days left,

'I've finally found a boat I'd be more than happy to take to New York.

'She'd look spectacular, cruising around the statue.

'I'll invite the others to lunch on board,

'and let them have a butcher's, and congratulate me.'

Are you a breast or a leg man?

-I love turkey legs.

-Same here.

Isn't it funny though that we should eat, what's essentially a totally American food...

-Yeah.

-For Christmas.

-For our Christmas dinner.

-..for Christmas dinner.

We think it's a traditional Christmas dinner, but it's traditional American food.

-The original Thanksgiving dinner didn't feature turkey.

-Didn't it?

-No.

-No? That's all they had, the wild turkey.

-No, no, no.

At the original Thanksgiving dinner, the Wampanoags arrived cos they heard gunshots

and thought there was to be a battle

and it turns out that the pilgrims were celebrating a harvest, as you would...

MIMICS GUNFIRE

-I see.

-Right, and, er, and the Wampanoags being a very hospitable people as we know...

-Mmm.

..suddenly realised, "Oh, this is embarrassing, one arm as long as the other," so the head of them,

Squanto, sent out five men to do three days' hunting,

and they came back with five deer and they ate venison.

-So, where's the deer?

-So this is all...

So this is all just made up by the turkey marketing board, isn't it?

The Victorian Americans put turkey into it. Then we borrowed it.

Well, that's ruined this entire set-up of us eating a turkey.

Why are we? It's clearly neither Christmas nor Thanksgiving.

Well, because I was trying to get the idea of this being

a sort of, you know, New England type food,

but obviously it's not New England,

we should be eating a venison pattie.

-Let us give thanks.

-Why?

I've got a boat. I've got a boat.

-You've got a boat?

-I've got a boat. I didn't ask people at the last minute.

I rang ahead to New York, where it's not the last minute when we arrive.

It's last minute here for people to get around the coast and get here.

-I've got a boat.

-What boat have you got?

I've got a historical boat. It's going to be fabulous.

Wait till you see it. It took a lot of phone calls, by the way,

while you're off enjoying yourself. It's got a very historical side, very boating museum,

but there is a boat.

And it is a 1926 boat, and it is a working boat, and it is lovely.

-What sort of working boat?

-I don't want to tell you, I genuinely...

-You'll love it. It'll be great.

-Hang on a minute.

-No, no...

-I got a boat!

-This is no good.

-Why?

-WHISPERS: I've got this boat.

-This boat? But...

-Yeah.

-I've got a boat.

-When did you ring? Ring them and say you can't...

-No, look, I've already...

-It's gone through channels.

-I can't say to Tina...

-They've started checks,

they're allowing cameras on. It's a big deal.

That's half the reason they will give me the boat...

I can't say to Tina, "We don't want this boat.

She's going to a lot of trouble to get it.

Hang on a minute. If you have a boat each, I have nothing.

-Do we choose Griff's boat?

-I don't think we should have a boat each...

-Or do we go...

-Better to go on one boat. It should be this boat.

OK, either you stop crawling up to him

and trying to into his boat.

It's the boat I've seen, I haven't seen your boat.

-Right. Fine.

-I'll get a boat myself.

-Ye of little faith.

-I'll get a boat myself.

-All I'm saying...

I'll put it in as conciliatory spirit as we can,

if there's any problem with this boat, Tina's boat,

-on the journey, don't come crawling to me.

-Oh, that's nice(!)

Right. So Griff and Dara have a boat.

Dara was actually being very cagey about his boat,

and I think this might just be something he imagined.

He wouldn't tell us what it is, what sort of boat it was.

He said it was a working boat. I think he hasn't a clue actually.

Griff has that lovely Bamboozle, which is a beautiful yacht.

I think he's just... Dara doesn't want to go on it

because it's built in England, it's built in Ipswich, apparently.

Dara hasn't said this, but I think it's national pride coming in.

I don't think he wants to go on an English boat.

The pressure's on to find something better than them, so here we go.

All the big boats we could take are out of water

because the season's over.

They're out. The little boats are all locked up.

It's useless there's nothing here, we're too late, left it too late.

Look at this one. Look at that. That's a nice boat.

That's a lightship, I think.

It's got two, two beacons on it.

Pretty, red and white. Let's go have a look at this.

-Hello!

-Hello!

Hello.

-Ahoy!

-Can I come up?

Why not?

Come on, we're kind of in a hurry, but come on up.

Hi, I'm Rory.

Rory! Bill.

-Bill, good to see ya.

-What brings you down here Rory?

Hello, what's your name?

-Alyssa.

-Alyssa, how lovely.

This is Chris.

Good to see you, Chris.

Hey listen, I'm just walking down the wharf here,

I saw this boat and I thought, "What a spectacular boat!"

-It's a lightship is it?

-It is a lightship.

-The Nantucket lightship.

-How many people know that?

-I read it.

-You got my interest already!

I read it off the side, to be honest with you.

-Oh, you did? OK.

-Bill, we have a problem.

We have to take part in a flotilla

to celebrate the 125th memorial for the Statue of Liberty.

You know we're the sister beacon of hope to the statue?

We were the first one...

You're the sister beacon of hope to the Statue?

You see those beacons up there?

We have to get this boat.

On a practical, so you're... you've agreed to take me, yes?

No, I don't think we've shook on it yet.

-Sorry, OK.

-That's all right though.

Now what about, how long will it take?

-When's it happening?

-It's happening Friday.

-This Friday?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Week from Friday?

-This Friday, four days' time.

This Friday, four days' time.

Four very long days from now.

How long will it take, seriously?

Depends on the weather and tides.

Supposed to be storming out there the rest of the day.

You can't trust forecasts, Bill.

If we left right now, we could probably be down there by Friday.

-OK, bye! We're off, come on.

-You're going?

I'll tell you what.

Recognise that?

I do recognise that, everything is possible.

You want us down there by Friday?

We are can-do people here.

I'm very impressed, you want to help.

We're going to have to leave in an hour though to do that.

But, Bill, the sister beacon of hope to the Statue of Liberty!

That's really hard to resist.

We'll be the star of the flotilla.

Everyone will say, "Move those other boats out of the way,

"here comes the Nantucket lightship."

Has anyone ever told you, you're a persuasive guy?

I wish women said that to me sometimes.

I just think this will stand out.

You know I think you're right.

You're right, I have to agree, it would be perfect for the ship.

Chris, can you get Captain Jim on the phone,

see if you can get him here in about 45 minutes.

We can get him.

Tell him we'll have to fire everything up,

we'll have to be ready, get the lines done.

We've got a lot to do, but, uh...

-Look at this.

-..we'll be down there!

I don't believe you talked me into this.

This is amazing. Well, show me my cabin.

Come on, come on.

Is there a Jacuzzi?

Well, the sun is set and the Nantucket lightship

is getting ready to set sail for New York.

I'm not on board, you probably noticed that.

It's going to get heavy out there.

The weather's getting very unpleasant,

and they don't want me getting in the way

or rolling around the deck in my own vomit.

Actually, there's a chance they might not make it at all,

so, I'll not have a boat for the flotilla,

which means I'll have to share with Griff on his tiny sailing boat

which I don't fancy very much.

Or I could climb aboard Dara's imaginary boat.

Have a great trip. See you in New York.

SHIP'S HORN BLARES

'Next morning, Griff and I take a local tow boat down to

'the Mystic river,

'where we're looking for the motor yacht

'that's offered to take us to New York.'

Did Doug tell you about what this boat does?

-This is a great boat.

-Did he tell you how it was made?

He tows people who run out of fuel or engines break down.

And they join it like the RAC, they pay a subscription.

Oh, I see.

And he goes, he sets himself up on Block Island for the summer,

and goes out and pulls people in.

Is it too late in our story, Griff, to say why don't we take Doug's boat

to the flotilla?

We don't need Doug's boat, we've got boats.

We're going to go to New York and they'll be there.

And Dara's boat, whatever that is.

'On a nearby jetty, we spot a shiny bit of maritime hardware.'

How fantastic.

-Look at this.

-This is Some Like It Hot, this boat.

-It is a bit.

-It's absolutely fantastic.

Look, Aphrodite.

Now Aphrodite is...

Hang on.

..is the boat that is taking us to New York, so this must be our lift.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Ooh!

-Kirk?

-Yes.

-Hi.

-Come aboard.

-Hello, I'm Griff and Rory.

-I'm Rory.

-Rory, hi, nice to meet you.

What a wonderful... This is...

This is, it's like, it's like a model boat in a museum, this boat.

We thought you must be an exhibit, it's just so...

Well, she is perfect, she's nearly a museum piece,

and maybe someday will be.

All right we guessed, we guessed. When was she built?

1937.

And was a sort of gentleman's runabout?

This boat was built to take somebody to work.

You're kidding?

As a commuter.

All her sole purpose was to deliver a man, Jock Whitney,

the original owner, to Manhattan.

What did he do as a worker, he wasn't a postman obviously.

-He invested money.

-The Whitneys, yes.

-Yes, the Whitneys. The Whitneys, yes.

-How extraordinary.

Watch your step there.

-I will.

-This is the main saloon, is it?

It is the saloon.

Oh, this is lovely.

So Mr Whitney came aboard of a morning,

sat himself in here with some of his paperwork, did he?

Would he have someone making breakfast?

Mr Whitney, what would you like?

There were four full-time crew. The galley was enclosed.

He would come from that companion way, not this one,

this was for crew only.

Right.

Can I get you anything while I'm here?

Yeah, eggs, bacon.

The cook would make his breakfast.

Mr Whitney would go forward and shower and change,

cos he would arrive in pyjamas.

-His driver would bring him to the end of the dock.

-Of course.

And at the end of the dock, there was a turnstile,

the chauffeur would just get out, and turn the car around

so he could drive back.

This sounds like Rory's ideal form of life, except...

I don't know how to work.

You didn't...

Damn, it all breaks down.

Yeah, I like the idea, so he then has to walk...

Five steps from the car to...

Mr Whitney has to walk five steps in his pyjamas, that's outrageous.

It's not Mr Whitney who owns it now?

-No.

-Is it used for commuting still?

No.

OK, so we're going in this to New York?

Are you going to take part in the old, um, uh, the...

The flotilla?

-We're going to do that.

-Are you?

Yes.

Once you kick us off?

-I... Yes.

-But why can't we come with you on the flotilla?

It would be wonderful to have you on board,

but the owners are having an event aboard the boat in the flotilla.

They are.

The owners, Griff, the present owners have Googled us or got us,

seen us on YouTube, and decided, "No they're not coming on our boat

"in the flotilla."

I expect we'll have a boat full for the flotilla.

We'll wave at you.

I look forward to you doing that.

We will not only wave, we will toot you.

We'll go...

MIMICS SHIP HORN

I'll toot back.

OK, fantastic.

-Bet you've got a lovely horn on this boat.

-Quite a horn.

-Is it a big horn?

-It's a big horn.

-Good.

-Very big.

But then size isn't everything, Kirk, you know.

Uh, sometimes it is.

In horns, it is important.

'Meanwhile, I was at the Coastguard Academy.

'And like all good American schools, it's not just about the academics...

'there's also sports.'

Do I look OK?

No, I just look like me, but dressed as an American footballer.

'Giving me the chance to live an American Dream.'

WHISTLE BLOWS

And now I'm wearing this, how will they know it's me?

They'll just attack like they normally do,

I'm going to get pulverised, I'm going to get crushed. Jesus.

'But rather than get battered in a line-out,

'I was given the honour of kicking.

'I have to get the ball through the posts,

'it isn't as easy as they make it look.'

Right, here we go.

-I'm in?

-Yup.

-You're in.

OK, I've got to check one thing.

They're going to block the ball, not me?

-They'll let you kick one first.

-Let me kick one?

-Kick one first.

-I need your pity.

You're in more danger now

then you've ever been in your career, all right?

-Yeah.

-Those guys are fine.

You're getting a kick in the head in a minute.

How come he's about three times taller than anybody else?

Is it only people of diminished height who join the Coastguards?

He looks like the man they brought on.

Like the man in the film, you know where they say,

"We've got the big boy, that'll scare them."

"The big Irish fella's here."

OK, hang on.

This is where, go. Go!

-Argh.

-Long shot.

It's no good going like that as if you meant to do it like that.

Don't laugh till you've kicked it.

"All right, what I should've done, I should've put a more slice on it."

Was it a fly again? OK, second time around, second time around.

Argh.

-How many goes does he get?

-I don't know.

-He gets three goes.

He's doing it again.

-Here we go.

-Come on. Sorry, OK.

Come on, big fella. Come on, you're letting us down.

Think of Ireland, come on.

That's it.

Argh!

That was the one as well.

Cruel, cruel fight.

You were way off a little bit.

I wouldn't want to be out there, there's too much sucking it in.

27, keep an eye on him, right? Frankly your fault.

Right. Go.

CHEERING

Here we go.

Go with your groups, all in a line in the corner.

-Bravo!

-Have you done it yet?

Do you like the way I built the tension?

By pretending not to be able to kick it for one or two?

How many pads have you got on?

Pad, pad, pad, right, for my knees, in case I should need to pray.

Here, the thigh pads for some point.

Here the hip pad if somebody runs in and smashes into my hip.

Potentially breaking an old man's hip.

Here's the best one, the best one, the cleft pad just there.

That's you mobile phone, Dara. What's it doing there?

It's to protect my delicate channel, in case of attack.

Really? How did it feel to be out there, champ?

It felt great. It felt...

Oh, that's actually quite comfortable.

It felt fantastic.

-Do you want to hear something poignant?

-Go on.

American football is only played

if you're a professional or in school, school or college, right.

Once you leave your school or college league,

it's not like you go to your local club

or play for the county or anything.

Or go to Hackney marshes on a Sunday morning?

There's nothing, there's no equivalent.

Some of the guys I'm playing with, the guy who's kicker?

He'll play two more games of football

and he'll never play the sport again.

So you're the oldest amateur that's ever been on this pitch?

The big question I'm going to ask you Dara, is now...

I want to enjoy the poignancy of that.

-I'm going to enjoy the fact...

-It is quite a poignant thing, but...

Americans don't have these local clubs like we do.

It is poignant.

It just stops.

The question I want to ask you is, is this your last game

or are you going to go pro now?

You know there were scouts here, but we haven't heard back.

We've heard the sounds of an engine starting and then driving away.

'I'd love to stay and reminisce more about my days playing US football,

'but we have to leave.

'We're up at some ridiculous hour in the morning to get to New York in Aphrodite.'

'Unfortunately, the weather wasn't good

'and there was a huge storm forecast for the next day or so.'

'Dara and Rory's heads are apparently not entirely sunny either.'

I say this isn't really the boat for a hangover, is it?

Oh, don't shout.

I have a hangover, OK?

No, cos I have a hangover.

It's very kind of you to offer it.

No, actually, this is the perfect boat for a hangover,

because it's beautifully smooth and very plush.

Rory, there's a question here,

are you going to come on my boat, or are you going to go on Dara's boat?

This is a new side to Griff I've never seen before.

Do you want us, do you need...

-Are you going to come on my boat?

-Your on the yacht, the Spirit?

-I'm on the Spirit.

-Very, very pretty boat, very pretty boat.

And you're on this alleged boat.

-A historical boat which will surprise you.

-Which won't turn up.

How will it not turn up? It's in New York.

Hang on... Eeny, meeny, mi...

I have a boat of my own.

-No.

-Wait, what?

I kept it quiet, but however good your boat is,

and however good your hypothetical boat is,

this boat that I have,

if it makes it, will just... it's the best boat I've...

-What is it?

-Ah, no, it's a surprise.

It's a surprise, it is quite uncanny, it is just...

Well, you wait and see. It's just, it's breathtaking.

Can I ask, why am I the only player in this game

who has to show my hand?

Why have you two got secret boats that I'm not supposed to know about?

Everybody's seen my boat already!

-It's a nice boat.

-It's a lovely boat, but my big surprise is all over

and you two have got your big surprise still to show.

It's worth it, it's worth it. Wait till you see...

-Wait till you see my boat...

-I think you'll have a hard...

Can you show Griff your boat first,

because then it's like an escalation when he sees my boat.

Ha - no! We shall reveal our boats together.

We'll have to ask the superintendent or the head of the coastguard

or something like that, to judge who has the most appropriate boat.

-The loveliest.

-I'll happily put my boat into competition

with any boat you could produce. Except were you're to produce this boat.

Cos that would just win.

Trust me, behind those clouds are more skyscrapers.

We were talking about rowing Jerome K Jerome's Thames skiff up here.

-How scary would that have been?

-Look at the currents swirl.

It's quite nice to be arriving in the rain.

There's something quite New Yorky about this.

Is it particularly New Yorky?

Well, Manhattan looks good in any weather, we can now say, can't we?

-Yes, yes, it does.

-Yeah.

-Wait, there's the Empire State Building.

-Empire State, hang on.

Wait. It's coming round here, now here it comes.

-There!

-ALL: Yay!

-What's that?

-Skyscraper.

-OK, yeah.

Look at that! Is this terrible weather for a flotilla?

-Yes.

-Will your boat survive?

-Er...

-I don't think it matters what sort of boat you're going to be on.

-Mine will be fine.

-A bit of wind.

'We've an appointment with the superintendent of the Statue

'in his office on Ellis Island.

'I think he wants to check us out before the event.'

'Unfortunately, Aphrodite is now needed elsewhere.

'So we take a Statue Cruises ferry

'for our first glimpse of the birthday girl.'

There we are, journey's end, the Statue of Liberty.

We're going to celebrate tomorrow the 125th anniversary

of the unveiling of that statue in 1886.

But in fact, the idea for it came in 1865 at the end

of the American Civil War.

And we've followed down the story of liberty,

the freedom from oppression which came in Boston

when we got rid of the British.

I say "we" - THEY got rid of the British.

The freedom for religious worship,

which came with the pilgrims arriving in Plymouth.

And of course, the freedom from slavery,

which is what this really was all about.

Not just "bring me your poor and huddled masses",

but "bring me no more of your poor and huddled masses in chains".

'Ellis Island was a landing place for millions of

'immigrants to America for 60 years until the 1950s.'

Look at the roof.

It is a very beautiful roof, isn't it? It's a lovely building.

'And we were just three more of the thousands of Irishmen, Welshmen

'and Cornishmen who'd passed through these doors

'to start a new life in America.'

-David, thank you for your invitation.

-Oh, my pleasure.

It's an honour to be able to take part in the flotilla.

125 years ago when the statue was dedicated,

we actually had a flotilla,

and at the end of the ceremony they had there,

all the horns blew on the vessels.

That's basically what we're going to emulate.

We've got three fine boats.

You don't know what my boat is.

We don't know what Dara's boat is.

I've got a beautiful little Spirit sailing.

-Oh, nice.

-She's very pretty.

-Very nice.

Made in England, but owned by an American.

Well, if you don't have horns, you can yell a lot.

-OK.

-I think there will be a lot of yelling.

I think we'll be doing that anyway.

-As will we.

-Liberty is essentially a monument to the Entente, isn't it?

-It's a monument to the French.

-Yes. It was originally a symbol of the friendship between

-France and the United States.

-Right.

But today, for me, it's so much more.

It's a universal symbol of liberty for everybody,

not just the United States.

But it's not something that the British have ever

been heavily involved in, the Statue of Liberty.

No, but we have a lot of British citizens that come over here

and when you see the look on their faces when they see Liberty,

-it's for them too.

-OK, that's good to know.

-We don't want to be sort of...

-You feel excluded?

No! I'm just worried.

When it was put up, there was more of a feeling that the French

and the Americans were the liberty people, and the British were the old-fashioned...

Well, we had just gotten over a skirmish with you guys.

From this side, I'm still feeling a simmering tension here.

Well, we don't want to crash the party.

We don't want to crash anybody's party.

On the contrary, we are delighted to have you.

-It's a great honour.

-Now we have to behave in that flotilla.

-Thank you very much, David.

-My pleasure.

-Great talking to you yeah. See you tomorrow.

-Nice meeting you.

Take care. Bye-bye.

'The statue is meant to represent Libertas,

'the Roman goddess of freedom.

'She gets about 3.5 million visitors a year, and now, finally, us.'

That's the one.

Got to say, the old Manhattan skyline looks pretty iconic,

even in this grim weather.

And it is very grim out here, it's very cold, it's blowing,

and in fact, it's quite possible that my boat

won't have made it at all.

'And the morning brings bad news.'

Hello. 'Never mind Rory's vessel,

'my Spirit yacht had failed to make it to New York because of the storm.'

OK, great.

'I'm boatless.'

OK, bye. Ah.

How fantastic is this?

God has given a gift to the people of New York -

a beautiful sunny day,

and that spectacular world-famous skyline looks even better today.

The good news is, the weather people say

the temperatures could get as high as zero today. Ha!

What a beautiful, crisp morning in New York,

and this is my boat, the John J Harvey,

one of New York's first non-steam fire tenders, commissioned in

the early 1930s, she started service then

and carried on working until 1994. Those things up there work.

This is why we're going to win, cos they work.

When the rest of them go "brrr", we go "brrr" and "splash".

It's going to be fantastic.

Hey, the Nantucket lightship made it all the way

from Rhode Island, and I'm over the moon,

because this is still by far the best ship I have ever been on.

Do things get better than this? Yes, they do!

R! O! R! Y! Rory! Rory! Rory!

-Lovely! Here we go.

-BOAT BLOWS HORN

-Dara! I've lost my boat!

-Griff!

-I've got to come with you!

-Look at this!

-Dara, come back!

-Look at this!

No, I've got to come with you. I haven't got a boat!

-I'll see you there!

-No! I haven't got a boat!

Griff, I'm on a boat. I can't hear you. We'll see you there!

Oh, Hi. Hi, it's, um...

I've got a bit of a problem.

No, no, it's not a breakdown, no.

No, in fact, I haven't got a boat,

but I was just wondering whether I could use your services?

Empire State Building! Empire State Building.

We're looking for Rory's boat, by the way, and there's every chance,

cos he's got a giant flag, that they might be coming along here.

So if we spot a Rory...

Is there a Rory on Hayward?

Nope. There is not a Rory on Hayward.

'From outside, the Nantucket looks like a working lightship,

'but inside, owner Bill has fitted it out like a luxury apartment,

'and luckily for me, he's a fan of the New York Jets.'

-OK, yeah.

-Just a minor slip-up. Minor.

-Yeah, the boat rocks.

How are the Jets doing?

Pretty good. We're good.

'Trust Towboats US,

'they offer a 24-hour emergency boat breakdown service.'

I'll step straight aboard. That's fantastic.

'And this is an emergency.

'I may be tiny, but at least I'm bright red.'

Is it that? Is it that? Gelberman? It can't be. Rory!

I don't know why I'm presuming that Rory would be in a tug,

it just feels like physically that it would be a good fit for him,

you know, just pushing things around.

This is a bit too pretty for Rory, this is lovely.

We're going to be the smallest boat in the flotilla by a million miles.

Is there a Rory on Nantucket?

Keep those cards to yourself

and you'll get another up-card and another down-card.

OK, so you bet, so you can bet or check.

Greetings!

Do you have a Rory McGrath?

What do you think of my boat?

When you come aboard you're going to be knocked out by this boat.

Why, is there a lot of low-flying booms and stuff?

It's luxury, mate, luxury.

I'm not a man for luxury, I'm a man for function.

Wait till you see what this boat can do.

Wait till you see what I've got on board this boat. Hang on.

OK, girls, come on out.

You are kidding me.

-Come and meet my friends.

-Hang on, hang on.

-This is Kimberley and Jessica.

-Hi!

Hello, ladies, how are you?

We're well, thank you.

Oh, Rory, you came with your nieces, how sweet(!)

We've got to go down and finish our poker game

and our beer, Dara. See you later, over.

Come on, girls, inside.

I gather the Rory McGrath student outreach programme is still working?

That was excellent, girls.

Trust Rory to take something beautiful

and significant and special, like the 125th anniversary

of the Statue of Liberty, and make it tacky and cheap.

But in an all-American kind of a way. Clever. Very clever.

'The flotilla is lumbering off. There's a strict speed limit

'along the river for the parade with police boats to enforce it,

'but I should think my little boat could sneak past them.'

If you can catch them up...

You got called into service or you volunteered yourself

back into service on 9/11, didn't you?

We sort of volunteered ourselves. One of our owners, Chase Wells,

called up the Fire Department and said,

"We have one of your boats. Could you use it, would you like it back?"

And they said, "Oh, our two fire boats are pumping full.

"Would you come tie up and pump water?"

All the fire mains, fire hydrants had been destroyed.

The water mains were destroyed when the towers collapsed,

so literally the only water at the site,

the World Trade Centre, were two New York City fire boats,

one built in 1938, one built in 1954, and then supplemented by us.

We were acting as fire hydrants, which is what

these boats were built to do, in other words,

we would pump to a fire engine

which would pump to another engine.

This boat can pump the equivalent

of about 22 fire engines worth of water.

-Wow. And how long were you there?

-We were there for four days.

-Jesus.

-From the 11th.

We'll get between the two of them. Dara!

Oh, my God! What is that? That's your boat?!

How is that your boat?

That's ridiculous, Griff. It's tiny!

No, I like my boat. I like my boat a lot!

It's faster than the other boats!

It is my profound hope that that is not Griff's boat for the day,

cos if that's the best he can do, he's going to make us all look bad.

Also, I have to say it's a very cold day, it's very beautiful,

it's a very cold day, so really, my heart goes out to the cheerleaders.

They're who I'm mainly thinking about at the moment.

-What? What is that?

-My boat didn't turn up!

It's an insult to the people of New York. What are you doing?

Griff, what do you think of my Nantucket lightship?

-Well...

-Do you want to meet my crew?

Hey, crew!

GRIFF LAUGHS

Three of you this side, come on, girls.

Hey! How do you like this? Do him your cheer, go on.

Go, Rory! Yeah! Go, Rory, go!

You're going to win the prize.

I hope. Never mind what the Commodore says, you've already won it.

'Since we all had a boat - of sorts - we'd asked the head of the New York Coastguard

'to judge our efforts, Commander Gary Messmer.' It's a pleasure to be here, sir.

It looks like you've found yourself quite a boat.

Wait till we kick in the fire hoses, my friend.

-There you go.

-That's the show.

She's got quite a bit of fire monitor on her.

She's a fine old thing, she's been working for 80 years.

So you've been on a lot of boats in your day.

How would you rate this boat?

It may lack the comforts of home.

We've been on a lot of flash boats in our time.

It's a proper working boat with a bit of history.

If needs be, she's there to help.

-Perfect.

-Anything else you need to know about this boat?

-No, I look forward to getting on later.

-We look forward to having you on board.

-Have a great day.

-Lovely to meet you.

'Too many working boats.

'The whole parade needs a little bit more glitz.'

Bravo!

It is moving.

Not too insulting, do you think?

I think it's...

In the spirit.

I don't think in any way you're demeaning this

any more than he is with his ch...

Am I the only one who took this seriously?

Do the pose, do the pose.

-Morning, judge!

-Morning, captain.

Looks like you found yourself quite a nice boat.

It's fantastic, and it's the sister beacon to the Statue of Liberty.

And you've assembled quite a crew, I see.

Yeah, I've decorated it in the American style.

Outstanding.

THEY CHEER

And how about the skill level of your crew?

We can repel boarders! See you later.

Bye, say bye to the judge, nice judge. See you later.

'The flotilla finally reaches Liberty Island

'where we have to hold for the signal to sound horns and celebrate.'

Griff is in danger of creating a diplomatic incident

by arriving in drag.

I don't think that's a respectful treatment of that statue there.

It really is like, you know, turning up to a black-tie do in your underpants.

Basically, that's what he's done. He's in his boating underpants.

Shame on you, Griff. Shame on you.

-Good morning!

-Good morning.

You've found yourself quite a boat this lovely day.

I know, it was a pity, because the boat we had planned

unfortunately couldn't make it cos it got stuck.

How would you rate the creature comforts on this boat?

Not many comforts, but a lot of manoeuvrability.

Manoeuvrability, fabulous.

And she's very decent.

What I think she represents is the spirit of "can do"

and private enterprise in the United States,

because at the last minute she rode to my rescue,

and that, after all, is the spirit of liberty.

I think that, in a way, if it wasn't for these boats,

then the coastguard would have a lot of fiddly diddly work to do,

-so I think it represents a certain quality of boating.

-Fabulous.

BOAT BLOWS HORN

CANNON FIRE

I'm hearing cannons on the island.

Time to start the water!

OK, we're firing our horn.

HE BELLOWS

Hit the cannons!

Come on, boys, don't let me down. Don't let me down!

Oh ho ho!

Yes! Oh, it's wet.

Oh, yes!

Look at this for a show!

We are the winners!

-Look at this!

-That's Dara. Good work, Dara.

BOAT BLOWS HORN

How dramatic. Beautiful.

I like the way it was slightly dirty to begin with as well.

It's amazing. Absolutely amazing, a wonderful day to be in New York harbour.

Rory has now presumably got his cheerleaders cheering away.

I'm going to hold up my fake torch.

If we could combine THIS and the cheerleaders, that would be a show.

Look at the fireboat and the rainbows.

Honestly, had we turned up in our little sailing boat,

I think we would have been outranked anyway.

Now the other side again. You just keep repeating it.

Yes! I should have worn the waterproof trousers.

'Flotilla floated, horns hooted, history made in a rubber crown.

'It's all over too soon. Time to head for the harbour

'and see what Gary made of our efforts.'

That's OK.

'But first, Rory wants to give us the tour.'

-This is the state room.

-You were in this?

This is what you were on.

I'll tell you what, though,

those lighthouse men had it better than you think.

An absolutely glorious day,

and we were lucky as well, cos it was bucketing down rain yesterday,

and tomorrow we're going to get snow.

In the middle of it we had this, this spectacular day.

Look at this.

Well, what a trip it's been.

It's been everything you could hope for, really.

There wasn't any wood on this boat before they converted it.

Not what we'd call a restoration.

No. Come through this little lounging area here.

What a great ending to a journey that is.

Manhattan skyline in the sunshine. It does not get better than that.

Winning the boat competition would improve it.

Two very important people coming to visit you.

Wish we could say the same about you, Rory.

Oh, my Lord, you only brought two out.

-Ladies, how are you?

-Welcome to the den.

Congratulations.

I thought I'd come and show you in close-up what you've

been unable to see, but I feel a little bit over-dressed now, perhaps.

It has been a wonderful journey.

All the way down, we've seen a land of comfort and plenty

and elegance on the east coast of the United States.

It's going to be quite difficult to return to normal portions.

Which team do you generally lead cheers for?

Guess.

New York...Jets!

-Yay, very good.

-He's very good.

I don't know if this can be beaten.

So I don't know what the hell we can do next.

But THAT is spectacular.

We have to say goodbye, because we have to go upstairs to be judged now.

-OK, fine, let's go.

-See you in a minute. Cheers, see you.

Good afternoon and congratulations on your journey to New York harbour.

Thank you, Commander.

I, as the judge, have been given the power to judge

on who brought the best boat and who performed best

-while they're out there as part of the boat parade.

-OK.

Well, before you actually do that, I'm sorry, the sun is beating down.

I'm just going to put on my Coastguard Academy hat.

I just want to say that he's just trying to influence you there.

A bit late in the day.

Can I just get the flight crew in? Come on, flight crew, please.

This is just incredible.

Let him have it, come on, let him have it.

Go, Gary, go, Gary, go! Go, Gary, go, Gary, go!

Go, Gary, go, Gary, go!

I think I would like to wear my life jacket, just to show

I was supporting the principles of the coastguard.

With the information that's been put before you

and all of the other influences

and all the pressures, do you have a decision?

It was a difficult decision. All the boats were amazing.

The crews were admirably trained and executed their duties today.

I would have to say, though, that it was a really close race.

Griff, I commend you for the boat you brought.

Dara, coming in here with the fireboat was amazing.

She's got a great history in New York harbour, and I commend you for that.

Certainly a working boat with a great history.

But, Rory, on the coastguard cutter, Nantucket lightship,

I'd have to say that the honour definitely goes to you

for the best boat of the three.

I'm very proud. Well done, girls!

-Whoo!

-Go, Gary! Well done.

Genuinely quite disgusted by that result.

Thank you very much.

I think the only thing that can happen to the prize-winner

is that we throw him overboard. Come on!

-Oh, look at this.

-On behalf of the Coastguard Captain of the Port

and the National Park Service, I would like to give you this trophy.

This is one of the proudest moments of my life.

Doesn't it look just like Griff did earlier on?

Almost unmistakable. Thank you, Commander. Well done, girls. Go, Gary.

No whingeing. Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

-Thanks, girls. See you later.

-Bye.

-Thank you. Bye-bye.

You were great. HE was terrible.

That was the end of the happiest day of your life, you know that?

Who were those guys again?

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