Episode 2 Wales on Wheels

Caravans. A fibreglass palace or a bank holiday road menace?

Love them, or hate them, in Wales we simply can't avoid them.

We spend around 11 million nights

and £300 million a year holidaying in them.

But what is it about caravans

that makes us a nation happiest on wheels?

Back in the olden days,

people used to hitch their caravans to the back of cars,

with engines that were often too small

and go off in search of a nice place to stay.

But then in the 1970s, someone realised that

instead of spending the majority of their holiday

crawling along a motorway at seven miles an hour,

they may as well just find a nice place to stay,

and leave the caravan there.

As a result, purpose-built sites with rows of static caravans

sprung up all along the Welsh coast,

with many becoming some of the biggest sites in Europe.

For the mining communities of the South Wales Valleys,

these static parks were an instant hit.

All year round, whenever they could, thousands of families

would come to relax in their very own little house by the sea.

Oh, well, here we are, then, back at the hacienda.

Down to our fantasy island.

John Mortimer has a farm just outside Port Talbot,

but every weekend for the last 41 years,

he and his wife Jean have come to Fontygary Caravan Park in Rhoose.

It's their home from home. So come on, you two, what's your story?

John said, "What would you like, would you like a new static van,

"or go away to Tenerife for a fortnight?"

I said, "No, we'll have the static van."

Well, when we first arrived in 1970,

they'd just built a new outdoor swimming pool.

The club then had been built about five years and, you know, the club,

there wasn't facilities in the club then that there is now.

For a start, there was no heating there,

and in the winter they'd have a few gas fires around

and we'd all be in overcoats, but we made our fun and it was good.

And the same people were there for year in, year out.

It was like one big happy family.

Established over 40 years ago by Sir Hugo Boothby

and nestled on a cliff top overlooking the Bristol Channel,

Fontygary Caravan Park was one of the first of its kind in Wales.

Today, with nearly 500 static caravans,

it's certainly one of the country's biggest.

And here on any weekend, you can see up to 2,500 people

leaving their cares at the foot of the three little steps of their seaside Shangri-la.

But not everybody who wants to enjoy a holiday at Fontygary

has to own a caravan.

There are 12 caravans in the park that can be rented.

And one of them this weekend

will be taken by Grant and Maree Hicks from Llandysul.

And it's a big moment, as, whilst they've always been keen touring caravanners,

this is the first time that they've stayed in a static van for 30 years.

How will they cope? How different is it going to be?

-Things are a bit different now, then?

-Well, we hope!

-We've got a toilet for a start!

-Yeah!

That operates the barrier. Just hold that by the barrier.

Pass picked up, the Hicks' are checked in, and it's time to start their holiday.

That's assuming Grant can negotiate the barrier.

Oh, it's a dud. She's flogged us a dud.

Don't wind me up. It's a dud, isn't it?

Oh, they've turned it off or something.

The brains! Let the brains have a go!

Argh!

They're in!

-Go on, then.

-Right you are.

And all they've got to do now is find their way to their caravan.

Amongst 500 others. Let's hope Maree is on the directions, eh!

For the holiday-makers already settled in, it's time to kick back and relax in the sunshine.

But for managing director of the site Tim Mcilveen,

his mindset is one of work.

-So what's your job like, Tim?

-It's like running a little village.

500 holiday homes, which is the same as houses, but on a holiday park.

There are no hedges, no walls between so everybody is very close together.

Every now and then you get little problems,

as you do between neighbours in any small community.

We've had floods, major storms, people obviously die,

um...sicknesses,

you get violent outbursts and you get crime,

and literally everything that could possibly happen.

And of course it becomes very, very public very, very quickly,

and we have to deal with it.

Crime, death and acts of God aren't Tim's only problems.

The local council's enforced new government legislation

controlling the statutory distance required between each static caravan.

Instead of the old license agreement,

which had 4.5 metres between caravans,

we've now got to have five metres between caravans.

But to make the changes,

you've got to attempt to put everybody at their ease,

that we're not going to start digging up the whole park and shifting everyone at the same time.

Also, it's vital for business

that Fontygary maintains its four-star status,

and an unmaintained garden can have an impact on the rating.

But luckily, Tim's got a plan. Mm, sort of.

One of the things we're doing is a sort of gardens competition,

whereby we're trying really to get everybody on the park

to participate, so that there's a minimum standard.

So we're not necessarily looking for the ones that produce the absolute beautiful pitches,

but there's a minimum standard that looks good enough for everybody.

-Have you got the lead?

-You leave it to me.

The Hicks have found their caravan, but is Maree going to like it?

Stay, stay.

It's been 30 years since we last had a static caravan,

and now we're looking forward to this.

It's going back in time!

Now, then. Oh, I say!

Oh, I say!

Yes!

Oh, look at the stove.

Oh, my word!

Unbelievable.

My gosh, they have changed a lot since I was last...

Even a dishwasher!

Where do you want this suitcase?

-Where's the fridge, then?

-But wait!

It seems Maree can't find the fridge!

Maybe here?

-No? No fridge?

-Don't panic, Maree.

What are these, then?

Oh, my word!

Phew!

And the freezer.

Absolutely fantastic.

That's one empty car!

I am now totally relaxed.

Now I've got all the stuff to sort out, I can chill out.

Another half an hour and I can sit down and enjoy and relax,

and make a cup of tea.

I don't know about that, Maree. You haven't found the kettle!

The premise of a park like Fontygary

is that nobody is allowed to live there permanently.

This is the golden rule of static caravanning

that makes the vans holiday homes rather than actual homes.

There is, though, one exception -

when it comes to on-site security.

About two years ago, Dave was offered the job

of being in charge of security,

and because he's got the job, we stay all through the year.

Us and the cat. It's brilliant.

I said, "Would you fancy living down at Fontygary?"

And she said, "Do you know what?" She said, "I really would."

And we made our move over four years ago now, nearly five years.

I've never regretted a moment.

When I look at that view, I think, "Thank you, God, this is wonderful."

Yeah, it's brilliant.

It's means the world to us down here, we love it here. There's the cat.

As you can see, fast asleep, not interested at all.

This is our kitchen. Well, my husband does all the cooking.

I assist, drink all the wine, and he does all the cooking.

That's the way I like it.

Friday night is dinner party night

when Dave and Sue get together with their neighbours for an evening of gastronomy.

However, whilst Dave assumes the Jamie Oliver role,

the only help around is from granddaughter Neave.

Sue is nowhere to be seen.

This usually happens of a Friday.

She starts off with the best intention.

Er, but I end up seemingly having to do all the cooking.

Well, she's probably just gone to get some party nibbles, innit?

Or, you know, garlic or tin foil!

Oh, no, wait, hang on!

I love to be pampered and spoiled. I was born for it!

It is like permanently being on holiday. I just love it here.

I could say to anybody, if you're thinking of buying a caravan, go for it. Brilliant life.

She's got a knack of, by the time people have arrived, putting a pinny on.

And I think to myself, well, didn't I do it?

And she seems to get away with...

"I've been at the sink and cooking all day long",

and I just fade away into the background and think, well why not?

So what's the most popular entertainment at Fontygary?

Well, most of the caravanners are Welsh,

so you'd probably expect it to be bingo,

but it is in fact... oh, no, wait, hang on, it is bingo.

The caravan owners like to know what's going to be happening

well in advance, so they like something steady,

something regular, some kind of routine as well.

They also, especially in this place, they love their bingo.

I mean, you have the people who just come in, they'll sit down,

it's like their own little routine,

they sit down, get their drinks and then straight up to the front.

Around about 7:30, we start selling the bingo tickets,

and if it's not there at 7:30, they want to know why.

We have some people who play bingo, go home, that's them happy, you know, that's all they come up for.

Tonight, though, there is a big change at the upstairs cabaret lounge. Bingo has been cancelled!

We do get nights like tonight where there's no bingo on.

Where you do get some people not so much put back,

but a little bit upset that they're not getting their regular routine.

It will make a big difference to them.

I mean, we've had some people who are quite vocal about the fact

that they weren't too happy that bingo wasn't on.

So there have been one or two, "Is it gonna be as busy as it normally is?"

AJ has been the compere at Fontygary for eight years,

so he knows the risk he's taking by dropping the bingo

and replacing it with cabaret.

One, two...

# I got a feeling

# That tonight's gonna be a good night

# That tonight's gonna be a good night... #

And tonight, AJ is the cabaret.

So, what sort of numbers can we expect, AJ?

Oh, I'm hoping, kind of minimum, about 150-175, with a bit of luck.

In an ideal world, it would be absolutely full.

AJ is putting his reputation on the line.

Will the draw of his singing beat his bingo calling?

# Let's live it up

# I got my money, let's spend it up

# Go out and smash it, like, oh, my God

# Jump off that sofa, let's kick it up... #

That's cool.

That's everything checked.

All that's left to do now is hope that we get

the crowd that we're really hoping for, even though there's no bingo.

Manager Tim has been back in his office, fleshing out his vision

on how to improve the plots on the site.

And after entering his measurements into a database

and analysing the results, he is ready

to implement his action plan via...

a leaflet.

It's called The 2011 Pitch Perfect Presentation Awards.

And it explains how they're going to find their winner.

We want everybody to produce a reasonable standard,

so instead of just going for the top ten or 15, we want the top 500...

-Again, sort of.

-If we can get that to everybody...

Tim's idea is to make sure that all the pitches meet the new statutory standard.

Every single plot on the site will be judged according to

a list of criteria, of which gardening is only one.

If it was just for gardening, or maybe bird gnomes,

Alan Earwaker would have a head start.

I'm always fond of birds, you see, I love my birds.

I got a few birds over there, I got a few birds by here.

He's been a caravan owner at Fontygary for the past 12 years.

When they used to come down here

for the weekends, once you come under that bridge...

you're in a different world and I love it.

Most of my time down here,

to be perfectly honest with you, is the garden.

I can always find something to do. I'm always busy.

If I'm not busy doing plants

and making different things up like bird tables, window boxes.

This is a man with seriously green fingers.

They used to have a garden competition down here.

I had, well, I think it was three years on the trot,

I had certificates for Highly Commended.

But I never actually won it.

It's a sunny day at Fontygary.

But for Alan, whatever the weather, gardening is his passion.

All my woodwork, it all needs repainting this year now.

You know, there's always something needing to be done.

Right, that's all my planting done.

I just hope now in a few weeks' time, we'll have all the colour out.

I'll be looking forward to seeing it.

At their caravan, John and Jean are looking forward to their night out.

Oh, we're going down The Bay, the club. We always go down there.

We have a really good time down there.

The only thing I got to watch is John, he drinks too much.

We got more friends down here than we got back home, like. Yeah.

So, we're looking forward to a fair night out.

We know them all down there and as soon as new people come in,

they always seem to get friendly with us all.

You know, it's really nice

and that's the reason we like it down there.

I better get the tickets out, while I think about it.

My friend, now, Lil,

she's got a caravan up the top there, she doesn't like it

because they're not having bingo and she wasn't going to come down.

But apparently, AJ is going to do something for us tonight.

-You can have the biggest.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Cheers!

We don't usually drink as much as this, but it's very welcome. All the best.

-All the best.

-Here's to a few more.

This is our holiday, to come down here.

Because if we don't, we don't go nowhere.

And all this time, AJ is getting ready for his big gamble.

An entire evening of cabaret, by himself, instead of bingo.

We are a little bit kind of nervous and apprehensive.

I've heard that there's a bit of a boycott going on for tonight.

So I think there's a few people going up the road,

to a pub up the road, because of the no bingo.

I'm the sort of person where it makes no difference

if there's going to be five people or if there's going to be 200,

I try and play to the people that are here.

This has always been the thing I wanted to do

and when I left school, the first full time job that I had was

working on a holiday park and there's always been an ongoing kind of

comment with the people that I know - my very first job after achieving

all A's and B's at my GCSEs was dressing as a giant chicken.

But Brad Pitt started off dressing as a giant chicken, and so did I, so there we go!

Obviously, much better looking.

# I'm sitting on top of the world... #

As caravanners go, we're relatively new to the whole thing. Just getting into it now.

But we've met fantastic friends here. So it's sort of a new life, really, in a way.

New caravanners Mark and Ban have arrived

for their weekly supper club at Dave and Sue's.

It's Dave's turn tonight, thank God!

He's a fantastic cook, so we're looking forward to that.

It's Italian night, the sparkling wine's on ice

and the antipasto is flying off the plate.

Yeah, just have a couple of glasses of wine now

and enjoy people enjoying the food, really. We'll have a nice evening.

Nothing's burnt, so I couldn't have done too badly.

Yeah, very good, he's outdone me this week.

Definitely, stars, nine out of ten for that one, yeah.

We got the main course coming up now.

Um, lasagne. So I'm sure that will be fantastic. One of my favourites.

There's usually a bit of bragging rights there.

-Yeah.

-Mark will say, "Oh, my meal will be better than your meal, because I'm cooking..."

What? "Oh, you'll have to wait and see."

I wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the world, and I've been round the world.

Back at the upstairs cabaret lounge

and AJ is preparing for the performance of his life.

I'm making sure I'm looking good, looking sweet.

This is it.

Suited and booted, he heads off to the stage.

Has his gamble paid off?

No. It's early days, but the crowd isn't as big as it would be on a bingo night.

OK, good evening, folks.

Welcome to Fontygary's cabaret lounge for this evening.

We've got a fantastic double cabaret show planned for you tonight

and as a result, unfortunately, that means that there is no bingo.

Although we're going to try and keep you as busy as you can

so that hopefully, you won't even notice that it's missing.

We've got loads on the way, we're going to be kicking off the show from about eight o'clock.

Back at the supper party, the vino's flowing...

and flowing, and flowing.

Well, I don't know, we're on the third now,

so I don't know what's going to happen here tonight,

it could be a bit of a disaster... financially!

'This is what it's all about. Sometimes getting one or two glasses too many and it's usually my fault.'

"You opened that last bottle, I told you not to bother!"

But, well, it's what it's all about, I think.

Anyway, chin-chin.

-Let's have a quick toast.

-To friends.

-Thanks for inviting us again.

-Yay!

It's been a lovely day for Marie and Grant

and now they can really let their hair down.

And where better than at AJ's one-man cabaret show?

Good evening, thank you.

The first day in the caravan has been fantastic.

The caravan is absolutely gorgeous,

really, really nice and we're really chuffed.

-We've even got a dishwasher.

-Good God, I didn't know that!

-Yeah!

Despite the extra two seats filled,

there is far less audience than could be expected

if the Friday night entertainment had been bingo.

But for AJ, it's time to grasp the hand of Dr Footlights

and turn on the magic.

# I put on my blue suede shoes

# And I boarded a plane

# Touched down in the land of the delta blues

# In the middle of the pouring rain

# WC Handy... #

I never new anything else I wanted to do apart from entertain,

which was a bit of a nightmare.

I was in a private school and it was very academic

and it wasn't heard of to go into the entertaining arts.

# I was walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale... #

I think they expected everyone to leave there

and walk into a bank and just have a career, set off

and that's not what I wanted to do.

# Wa-a-a-alking in Memphis... #

Well done, AJ, you're storming it!

# I was walking in Memphis... #

It's a fantastic night of cabaret. There may not be bingo,

but we're going to keep you busy throughout the night.

In fact, I'm willing to bet you might not even notice that bingo's not there.

How about that? Is that all right?

Freshly reminded of what they're missing,

will a caravan classic from an on-form AJ win over bingo lovers Jean and John?

# ..I watched and went out of my mind

# My, my, my, Delilah... #

Come on! Sing to me!

# Why, why, why, Delilah... #

Yes!

# I could see

# That girl was no good for me... #

Everyone together, just you.

# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any... #

Dodging that top note like a true pro!

But has AJ done enough to win over all the crowd?

Thank you very much, guys!

We've had a great cabaret show.

We've had a great night tonight. AJ has been first class.

He's had the audience joining in, which is what everybody wants,

and it's been a great night for everyone.

Thankfully, the bingo doesn't look

like it's made too much of a difference.

We've had a lot of people who we wouldn't normally get in here

and also a few people who normally would play the bingo.

We thought, we'll give it a go, see how it goes

and yeah, it's looking quite busy out there now.

Oh, marvellous, marvellous.

The time has gone so quick

although we haven't played bingo, I've enjoyed it!

The caravanners head home, happy in the knowledge

that tomorrow night, bingo will be back on the bill,

eyes down at 8pm.

Assuming AJ doesn't have a rush of blood and put on a dog show.

It's judging day for the 2011 Pitch Perfect Presentation Awards.

And it's raining. A lot.

But the show must go on,

and who better qualified to judge a pitch perfect competition

than the Tom Jones of Fontygary, AJ.

This one happens, although this is a bin area,

you'd expect that to be a downgrade.

But actually, they've used it

as a really nice way of enhancing the garden.

Tim's keen that AJ understands the stringent rules of the competition.

In the old competition, this one often used to win.

According to the new rules, there can be no cladding under decking.

Because cladding means that the wind, in a really bad storm,

can't go underneath the van, which means it's hitting a wall,

which means the whole thing could roll.

So it seems having no cladding is a key criteria.

First thing I noticed, on that one, a little bit of clutter underneath at the front,

but apart from that, if you were looking from here, you'd probably...

You know, you can tell it's a work in progress...

No cladding and no clutter,

and nothing should be planted into the ground itself.

Significant planting in the ground.

There's actually a tree there.

Actually, I'm quite glad I don't know whose caravans are whose,

because then I can't get told off by people later on,

when I'm working, for not picking their caravan.

People looking out the window.

They've got weeds under there.

They've got the old antenna under there.

But then the rain stops

and the sun comes out,

just in time for the judging of Alan Earwaker's pitch.

-..if it's being used properly. Now, this is nice.

-Yeah.

They're all much older vans, got the cladding,

that's the only other thing.

And metal decking, which is getting a bit rusty.

The garden itself looks really nice.

Some of this stuff is absolutely immaculate.

I do like this one, but there's a couple of vans around the park,

where because of the cladding and the way the decking looks,

that we've walked past and not really worried about them,

but the garden itself is really nice.

But because we've disqualified a couple because of the cladding,

we probably have to do the same with this one as well.

Alan Earwaker, the man who has dedicated his life

to his garden, is disqualified.

So it's back to HQ for some tense deliberation,

and after several hours, a decision is made

and senior site manager Jen and AJ go and deliver the good news.

To Alan's next-door neighbour.

-Really, really, really, really love it.

-Thank you very much.

-So there.

We'd like to present you with the overall,

the park's best pitch competition.

But luckily, AJ's got a surprise for Alan, too.

There has been an extra decision made,

away from the main part of the competition,

because it was a garden that did stand out

and it was just the cladding that let it down.

I think we mentioned it while we were looking at it as well.

The garden itself looked amazing, it looked really well kept

and there was a lot of effort that had obviously gone into it.

So what we've decided to do is award

a special prize for the best garden we'd seen while we were out and about.

Er, we bought you a bottle of red

because I've been told you like a nice little tipple of the old red.

-All right, so, congratulations!

-Beautiful, as normal.

I like to spend time in the garden,

and I don't really go in for competitions.

I'm not doing it for that particular reason.

But it's nice, it's nice to receive something at least.

At lot of people passing here, they do realise that a bit of effort

has gone into it, and I've spent a lot of time in it, you know,

and people appreciate it as well, you see.

Oh, I love it down here.

I mean, look at the view we got here,

it's beautiful, you see, really nice, it is.

As the curtains fall on the Pitch Perfect Presentation Awards,

the week comes to an end at Fontygary.

And although many of the owners will have to return home,

they'll be comforted by the thought

that the static caravan will always be there.

John is 79 now and I'm 77.

I dread when we won't be able to come down here. I dread it.

We'd have to stop coming down here.

Might have to come down here on my own, as well!

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