11/10/2016 The One Show

Hello, and welcome to The One Show with Alex Jones.

Tonight's guests are two top comedians who've decided to join

But as they are equally well-known, and equally funny, nobody really

So, in no particular order, please welcome...

APPLAUSE There we are!

. Bounds or in the night, Jasper! It's great having you both with us

-- the bounds team tonight. You have a brand-new tour. You didn't really

know each other beforehand. What have you learned each other -- about

each other? I've learnt a lot about comedy. One thing I had forgotten is

what a good musician he is. He plays the guitar. We saw a clip earlier.

He doesn't play my favourite song of his in our show, this was the B-side

of his single. The last line, which you only heard, I have to fix it in

the guarding, I still call the garden at the guarding! I was about

was if you do an impression? I don't! We understand that you do an

impression of Alistair doing an impression of you in fact. In fact,

I'm doing it right now! It is like I was in the room with you! Hours of

practice! Tomorrow we are joined by Tom Hanks. This might sound a bit

strange, but, trust us, all will become clear.

photos of lost items you've seen on the street.

For example, gloves, shoes, socks, scarves, hats, toys...

APPLAUSE Very good!

Tell us who you are and where you found them, and,

with Tom's help, we might feature them on tomorrow's show

when we are also joined by Ron Howard and Felicity Jones.

I suddenly feel a bit the list, don't you? It's a great line. ...

Can they do an impression of Matt Baker? Probably not!

If you are a friend of a property developer named

Khalid Mahmood Choudhry, then pick up the phone and tell him

Because, Mr Choudhry, this film is all about you...

Behind all this scaffolding is one of Grimsby's most historic

buildings. Built in 1889 and great two listed, the Victoria Mill

supplies flour to the world. These were converted into flats around 15

years ago, and the same thing was meant to happen to the main building

in the middle, but it didn't and it was left to become something of an

eyesore, and a dangerous one at that. Dave Needham owns one of the

existing flats. But for four months earlier this year, home suddenly

wasn't home. Which flat is yours? The third one, the second story

down. The neighbouring silo had deteriorated so much that in

February's storms, dangerous movement was detected and police had

to clear the building fast. What was it like when you found out that you

were going to have to get out of here and get out of here quick? We

were shocked to the system. We were in the door while you got in and got

dropped year out. You had no idea? We thought it would be one or two

days, maybe a week at most. In the end, residents spent nearly four

months in emergency accommodation. He paid for all of your

out-of-pocket expenses while you are at the hotel? The council paid for

all of the accommodation but we had to pay for the meals and staff. The

council paid up, even though the mill is not theirs, it is private.

But there is more. With the silo in a dangerous state and no response

from the owner, the council also paid to make it safe, costing ?1

million of public money. And the costs are still mounting, because

every day the council has to go on site and inspected to see if it is

still safe. Today's surveyor Andy Cole is going up the scaffolding to

check for further damage. Meanwhile, we've been given exclusive access

inside. Councillor David Watson is with me. Look at this place! It's

huge, isn't it? It has got the scale of a cathedral. There is as much

stuff on the inside as there is on the outside. The council is set to

pay a further ?1.2 million to make it watertight. Can you afford to

spend this money? Not really, the council is under severe pressure due

to Government austerity measures. Why don't you present the bill to

the owner and so, we have spent ?1 million, it is your responsibility,

you cough up the cash? We have issued a order and the owner has

ignored us. -- a quart order. The silo is one of ten properties

featured in the Victoria Society's annual list of endangered buildings.

Joe O'Donnell says they have noticed a growing problem of developers

wiring listed buildings only to leave them to deteriorate. It does

dominate Grimsby's skyline. It is important for the town and its

future as well as the past. RUC and a lot of this kind of thing around

the country? Sadly, yes. Owners by buildings like this and they don't

realise the scale of work that needs to be done -- RUC and lots of this

kind The owner of the mill has a few

questions to answer. CPG Investments Limited owns this particular silo,

with Khalid Mahmood Choudhry named as the director. There are two

addresses in Leicester which are associated with it. We wrote to Mr

Choudhry a few weeks ago but heard nothing. So we hit the road for

Leicester. We find his listed address, but are told he no longer

lives there. Contacting his accountant gives us a Manchester

link. I was wondering if I could speak to Mr Khalid Mahmood Choudhry,

please? It is with regards to Victoria Mill is, the place where

CPG investment aimed up in Grimsby. The fellow was helpful, he says he

know exactly where he is. But not a peep from this the Choudhry. The

trail has gone cold. The owner is irresponsible. The council has had

to step in and use its reserves that or under pressure to repair this

building. Really, you know, we need to speak to the own and he needs to

speak to us so that we can move on from here. What do you think of the

person who owns the silo next door? Not too great! That company or

himself should have kept on top of it. If they had done the dogs as

they came along, we wouldn't have had this problem. -- done the job

is. Thanks to the council, Victoria Mill is safe for now. But there are

many people queueing up to put questions to its elusive owner, Mr

Choudhry. You'd think North East

Lincolnshire Council would be How can he just vanish? You'd think

the one show would be able to vanish, but we ended up in the wrong

city, which is embarrassing! Sometimes these things happen. The

point we need to make from the start is that there likely to be plenty of

Khalid Mahmood Choudhrys out there, and lots of companies with CPG in

their initials. But if Mr Khalid Mahmood Choudhry is watching the

programme tonight, he could save a lot of public expense by getting in

contact with the council. Also put the minds of the residents live

either side of his property to rest. Their lives were potentially put in

danger by his failure to carry out his responsibility as the owner of

the silo. What is going to happen in the interim? They have to make sure

that the building is safe and secure? One way that the council

could -- try to seize control of the property is to argue in court that

they have invested so much in making the building safe but actually it

overrides the value of the property. Now, if they do that, Mr Choudhry

might suddenly break cover and have won two things to say about it. But

what they have got to do is understand that making the building

safe is very important. The problem is, when they get hold of it, what

are they going to do with it? The ideal thing would be to try and sell

it on to property developer who is going to turn it into flats and they

could try and recoup some of their money. But there is a big question

about the value of the property as a development itself. The buildings

either side of it were developed before the financial crash in 2008.

In the Daybell is not climate, is it valuable for a developer to going to

listed building -- in today's climate, is it valuable to sell it?

This has wider and locations. All of the buildings on the Victoria's

society list are outside the south-east of England. Inside the

south-east, you have a superheated property bubble, and property

developers will maintain their properties and sell them on and make

money. In the rest of the country it is a different story. There are

wonderful Victorian buildings in Cardiff that have been neglected.

People hope they will fall down so they can put something you up. It's

awful. But come on, Mr Khalid Mahmood Choudhry, do the right thing

and get in contact. It is quite frankly ridiculous. Contact George

Clarkson. You could go and live in that and it would be absolutely

amazing! That's a good one! You might think that

if you bulldozed a forest and put a motorway on top,

that would be the last But, as George has been finding out,

nature, with a little bit of help, can bounce back

in a truly surprising way. On January nine, 1996, a year after

the controversial Newbury bypass order was signed, bulldozers fired

up, beginning one of the largest mass popular protests Britain had

ever seen. There is no excuse for destroying all of this wildlife and

beauty. The bypass was to condemn 10,000 mature trees and almost 360

acres of ancient woodland to be raised to the ground. Thousands

descended on the common, the epicentre of the demonstrations.

This is a mistake! Ultimately, the new brew protests failed, and this

bypass was built. But two decades later, what remains of the forest

isn't just archiving the protests, but the living descendants of those

ancient trees. Bill Pritchard was one of the protesters. The impact of

non-violent direct action against road-building during the 1990s,

there were a lot of noisy defeats but a lot of quiet victories. We

heard about what was happening here, came here at the request of local

campaigners and supported them to set up camps and build tree houses.

Most people thought that was the end of the protest, but later that year,

people came back and set up little vegetable growing gardens along the

route of the bypass. There was a lengthy period where the bare land

that had been burnt and scoured by the bulldozers was left. The land

responded by thousands of tiny dormant acorns and sweet chestnut

seeds sprouting, and a little shin high forest grew. We became aware

that if we left them there they were going to get tarmac and dug up. So

we parted them and they went all around the country. Still planted

some in his old allotment that he hasn't seen for five years. Three

oaks and one silver birch. The last time I saw them they were a little

bit taller than me, and now they are massive. 20 years of growth, that is

a substantial tree. They are the descendants of the ones that were

cut down. Apparently the last two years they have had acorns, that is

something really special. I know you shouldn't really, but I just want to

hug them! They are such gorgeous trees. But some of what Phil

describes as his refugee trees went further afield. 200 miles away to

Cornwall. That's amazing. I didn't realise it free could grow that much

in 20 years. A little circle of oak trees around it -- a tree could grow

that much. And then this big sweet chestnut, amazing. Pictures from the

day we planted them where Russell and Fran helping us, he is throwing

up his arms in jubilation. That is what I feel now, knowing that the

tree was going to be destroyed but it is growing well. This man was 11

when he and his parents took part in the bypass protests. I remember

going a lot of walks in the forests and woodlands that were destined to

be cut down to make way for the road. On one of those walks I picked

up a pine cone and took it back home and grew the seeds from it. As you

can see, they've grown a lot bigger and become mature pine trees. One of

them we won't see used as our Christmas tree, it grew a bit too

big and we planted it on. Remembering the scene of devastation

that I'd seen at the bypass when they cut down all the trees, and

seeing all the protest, I was inspired, really, to go on and do

that myself later in life. 20 feet above the northbound carriageway

stands a tree named Middle oak by people who lived up at four months.

It was the only one of 10,000 mature trees to be spared. Well, there is

no doubt that the tree climbers sway public opinion. And later, political

policy changed, too. Virtual holding the construction of major new roads

for a generation. As a tree lover, it's really great to see Middle are

still here. But also to know that the descendants of the trees that

were lost live on -- Middle oak. Incredible, given the chance to see

how quickly those oaks can grow. We know that you two have been getting

to know each other because of the tour. We thought we'd start with a

couple of questions each. Alistair, you've got one of the Jasper,

Jasper, you've got one for our stuff. Jasper, you start. This is

options of three. I didn't bring my Specsavers... We

can do this. Which of these statements is true about Jasper? I

don't actually need specs, Matt! . I am a skilled dowser and can use a

forked stick to find underground water. I was once voted in the top

ten best looking Brummies, I would go with that. And I secretly support

Aston Villa. It's definitely not the last one. OK, the dowser, I like

that, it's nice and 70s, it was a big craze. I will go with your

advice, Alex, the middle one. No, it's the dowsing. Are you properly

into it then, do you use it for other things other than finding

water? The experts can find anything. They can go on to a map

and look for gold and stuff. I do general stuff like water pipes,

electric things. Also there is another branch which is using

muscles, muscle strength to test people for allergies and what is

right or wrong and it's quite involved. I didn't expect that from

Jasper, such detail there. Alistair. This is... I will do this as David

Mitchell for the hell of it! Try and remember that. I was once doing an

impression of Andy Murray when Andy Murray walked in. He wasn't pleased.

I once appeared naked on the West End stage. I have a dog and a cat

both named Alistair. LAUGHTER It's not the dog and the

cat. Andy would have been thrilled to pieces that you were doing such a

good impression of him. So I am going to go for the middle one, you

appeared naked on stage. Actually, two of them are right. I was once

doing an impression of Andy Murray and Andy walked in and, he kind of

knew it was happening (as Andy Murray (the idea was he would go

what are you doing and he did, but he actually really loved it. I have

also appeared naked on the West End stage, which is what you said. He

has appeared naked in our show. How did this start, your show? We were

thrown together a couple of years ago at the Henley Festival in

Berkshire. They had this 800 seater tent and didn't know what to do and

asked me to do an hour and I wasn't ready to do an hour at that stage,

because I hadn't worked for ages but coy do half an hour and he could. So

you split it. We got on like a house on fire. Of course I have a bit of

form with working with impressionists because I did nearly

300 shows with Phil. It works. It's two different Stipes of humour

because an impressionist is not that - you don't get the person on stage

because they work behind characters for the majority of the time they're

on stage. I work personally talking about stories and my views,

whatever. So, that's why it works, because it's comedy, two hours of

comedy but it's very different. Of course, he goes on first for half an

hour and then I am back stage sweating, thinking please don't run

them out. He has had a few coconuts into the back of his head. I go on

and the second half is the same. You get an early bath. People know

they're not going to have a real jarring morality or language thing,

we both use the same language and same ideas. It's a nice balance.

It's terrific. It starts this Saturday and runs until next March.

On and off. If you've ever wondered what 60s

music legends PJ Proby, The Searchers and Gary Puckett

and The Union Gap are up to now... Every man knows that as he gets

older, he might need to tone down Unless, of course, you're

a veteran rock 'n' roll star Your audience will always

have a picture of you in their minds in your 20s, usually with long,

flowing locks, maybe Its stars are from the decade

that changed the world. And they have the hair

to go with it. The question is, do the icons

of the '60s still have what it takes First up is one of the stars

of the tour, Gary Puckett. When he had a monster

hit with Young Girl, So, the '60s were always known

as quite a wild time. The word "wild" always elicits drugs

and, you know, orgies and things. And we weren't really a drug or orgy

band, as such. And all these years later,

he's still the sensible face The truth is, I love the people

and I love the music. But I also get up in the morning

knowing that I have a family to support and a daughter in medical

school and things like that. Waiting backstage is John McNally,

singer and guitarist in The Searchers, who topped the UK

charts in 1963 and '64. In the '60s a lot of people

were growing their hair But you guys never really

went that way. We liked Cliff and The Shadows

and they liked all And we thought, well,

we should get suits. And that's been our

image ever since. But surely they went

a little bit wild? The first few days,

until the novelty wore off. And then, once you started touring,

overnight trips and buses All the lads getting

half cut all the time. Ladies and gentlemen,

will you please welcome Superb.

Saves me a few bob. # Sweets for my sweet,

sugar for my honey... Gary and John have survived the rock

'n' roll years pretty unscathed. But not everyone

was as level-headed. So my next call is with a man who

drained the 1960s to its last drop. When PJ Proby arrived

in the UK from Texas in 1964, People had never seen

anything like him. Today, he is a bequiffed

77-year-old who is still very When did you last have

it cut? PJ had 11 hits in the UK

but is perhaps best remembered for something that happened one

night in Croydon in 1965. My pants split onstage

and Mary Whitehouse, who had this thing called

the Morals Committee, went to town on me and had me banned

from all theatres. But now he's back, and so is his

ponytail, which today comes That is about four or five months

old. How long can you keep

doing this for, I'll dance right into a big

old hole in the ground! The three men I've met today

have a combined age of 225 But I think the one thing

they all have in common which keeps them looking so youthful

is rock 'n' roll. That was like a trip down memory

lane for you, Jasper. I am afraid so, yeah. We agree that ?3,000 for

that ponytail seems a bit steep. I'd use it!

We did have a look through the archives at lots of wonderful

photos. And then we thought, you know what, instead of showing a

picture shall we go back to 1978 and relive one of your early big shows,

let's have a look. Oh, no! I have always been pretty good on the

guitar. LAUGHTER

I was a child prod... I was clever as a kid. We used to practise for

hours and the neighbours used to keep throwing bricks through the

windows so they could hear better. Lovely hair. Seems like yesterday!

Where are you now with new material and how does that fit into your

world of comedy now? Well, from previous times on the show, I mean,

I have sort of rediscovered stand-up over the last couple of years. I

have been writing new stuff and of course there's so many comedians out

there it's difficult to get something for yourself. I talk about

getting old. They can't do because they're all foetuses. I am

concentrating on that. And of course what is interesting working with

alist certificate that he brings a younger audience in so it's

interesting that we appeal to each other's audience. Of course he

works, they're all 25 and under and they don't watch you because they've

all got iPhones and watching you live and, it's terrific to be back.

So, I am working on - I used to do a popular u routine about car

insurance claim form statements, I don't know if you remember, what

people write on forms. I drove out of my drive straight into a bus at

7.00am. The bus was five minutes early. I had been researching all

the new ones, I won't do any because I am still collecting them. It's a

fascinating journey of rewriting because I have always said, I always

write about who I am, what I am and where I am so that always changes so

the material changes. I have not enjoyed myself on stage this much

ever. It's brilliant. Because you have this new tour and because

Alistair you have a few new impressions which we might have time

before we go. We are going to do a quick game. Lovely people

volunteered a few impressions. Here is clip one. This time next year we

will be millionaires, Rodney. Yes, we have the voice of one celebrity

and a catchphrase of the other. I think it's Del Boy and Citizen Khan.

Nearly. Arnold Schwarzenegger... Let's move on to the next one. Here

we go. You are the weakest link, goodbye!

Anne Robinson's catchphrase, but who was she doing? I don't know. Arnie.

Arnie again? I reckon so. It is a male. Somebody from New York. Don't

know who that was. Robert de Niro. The last one very quickly. I have a

feeling we're not in Kansas any more!

Michael Caine doing Judy Garland. Correct. We have got time for just a

few of your brand new ones. Please do some of the cast from Gogglebox.

I am working on them, they're not perfected yet. Sandy and Sandra, all

I can do is... Love Sandra! What's that all about! That's all I can do

so far? Gyles and Mary. Oh, Mary, I don't know what's going on there.

Can I have another grape, Mary, please. Do you think I sound like

Alan Bennett without a Yorkshire accent? I do. Steven and Chris in

Brighton. Yeah, what's all this about then. I don't know. Do you

know? No, I have never seen it. No, I haven't. I don't even know which

of us is doing any more. Do you know? No, nor do I. Leon. I love The

One Show, June. They did us, do you remember. That's all we have time

for tonight. Their tour, An Evening Shared with

Jasper Carrot and Alistair McGowan, starts this Saturday and runs

until March next year. We'll be back tomorrow

when we'll be talking to the stars of Inferno -

Tom Hanks, Felicity Jones and And, Gregory Porter will

be performing.