13/10/2016 The One Show

Hello and welcome to the One Show with Matt Baker. And Alex Jones.

Tonight's Guest is a comedian and a chat show host who has led himself

bare in his new autobiography exposing everything from his dodgy

hip to his back fat! We have all got some. It is Alan Carr! Hello! So,

very exciting. You have this new book Alanatomy out. As you would

imagine, it is packed to the rafters full of different anecdotes about

celebrities. But we also got a mention which we were quite pleased

about. Matt will read the passage. Oh, don't! The talking points of the

One Show is so disparate the subject matter can veer from exercise bikes

to 11 Titus in the blink of alive. And the research chats before you go

on the show are always entertaining will stop -- it can veer from

elephantitis to exercise bikes. The research chats are before you go on

the show. We got our producer to give you the research chats of your

life, here is how it went! It is the day before the anniversary of the

Battle of Hastings. What do you think of the Normans, Alan? I like

Norman Wisdom... Can you do animal impressions? IMing a cab and the

driver will think I am having a breakdown!

Wades you stand on dogs in lycra? What is your favourite UB40 track?

APPLAUSE I hate you! She was going on for

hours. I am in a traffic jam going and doing cow noises, people will

think what is going on there?! I am traumatised now. Your glasses have

steamed up! It is a good job you can do animal impressions because we

have some guests and they have just arrived and here they are. A

wonderful gaggle of geese! Do you want me to herd them? It is the One

Show, why not?! First, Angellica has been given exclusive access to a

trial of cutting-edge military technology.

I am an bishop just off the coast of Scotland to experience what the

Royal Navy have to go through when hunting minds. It is a dangerous job

which is why they are planning to roll the help of these guys. I have

been given exclusive access to the largest demonstration ever of

autonomous vehicles, that is mine hunting robots to you and me, and

hear about three systems which collaborated together in a world

first. But first, I want to meet the men who make our sees a safer place

today. How much of a threat are mines in this day and age? You would

think we are a bit more sophisticated in our warfare? They

are still a huge threat. They're widely available and cheap on the

open market. There are still tens of thousands of mines and bits of

unexploded ordnance which frequently wash up on beaches. What are the

risks of being a mine clearance diver? Diving in itself is

inherently dangerous. We are diving to deep acts and then we are on top

of live ordinance which could go bang at any minute. These divers can

be in the water within 30 minutes which means I need to get a move on.

In just a few minutes, the team are off the ship and ready for action.

It is training exercises like this which prepare them for real

scenarios so it is crucial they get it right. It is physical and mental,

having to remember, if they do go down to a mine they have to approach

it correctly. Mine clearance divers can submerge up to 50 metres in yet

and have a limited supply of gas. They need to be extremely fit and

brave. It is a risky business underwater bomb disposal so I am

keen that I have the right guys for the job and I am confident that I

have. Having seen the measures the minehunters have to take, I have

been invited to the largest ever demonstration of unmanned autonomous

systems. Commander Mark Savage was there to tell me what lies in store

for the future. The purpose is to demonstrate a trial and experiment

with the systems to better understand their capabilities and

see if we can accelerate their introduction into service with the

Royal Navy. Why is this so important? It offers us the

opportunity to reduce the risk to our personnel on the ship and our

divers in the water. It also offers great value for money. Some of these

systems are not less expensive than the cost of replacing our ships.

With a better understanding of what is on display and 40 international

demonstrators taking part, I want to find out how it all works. This is

your port and starboard control. I think she is turning to much. There

she goes. There are also unmanned aerial systems and some believe the

surface. Three, two, one. There you go. You have liftoff, the vehicle is

now underway. You have sent the vehicle on its mission. The robots

gather data and send images back to the control room so the crew can

review and determine if it is a target or not. I hear you have had

some success? It is a world first, the systems on air, under the sea

and under the water were all working collaboratively to achieve the

mission, telling us what they were doing. We can see pictures of their

work in progress and giving us the post-mission results to analyse. The

human is just stepping back and monitoring the progress. Change is

always scary, especially when it is machine taking over from man. What

this comes down to is saving lives. We'll unmanned vehicles ever

supersede us as humans doing that job? Clearly, that is what we are

working towards but I think we are away from that. For now? The divers

are doing the job. Thank you, Angellica and what an

insight into how things are headed. Speaking of how things are headed,

your new book picks off where the other one stopped. Ten years have

passed, quite a lot has happened but first of all we have to save big

congratulations because you recently got engaged!

CHEERING I thought, no one looks good in a

helmet, do they? That is Paul on the right-hand side. You speak very

candidly in the book, you don't hold back, do you? No, I don't! Just

inviting the audience what happened when Paul met your parents? Well, I

fell in love with him and I thought there comes a time when I have

actually got to introduce him to the parents. My dad is this big, tough

talking Northern football manager so it is terrifying. Paul is a bit like

Sunderland's answer to sue pollard. Things will clash. We were going to

take my mum out for her birthday. I looked lovely restaurant in

Northampton. Paul was wearing his lime green trousers and I could see

my mum pulling a face. She said, pop upstairs and get changed, Allen has

got some stuff. He goes upstairs, he is up there for a bit. He says, what

about this, Christine? He is wearing my mum's clothes! Skirt, blouse. My

dad is standing like the Churchill dog, no, no! Then my dad laughed and

we all laughed and it was there. But it was like, don't ever do that

again! I was so nervous! But then it was perfect? Gas, perfect! You have

lots of lovely stories about Paul and the guests on chatty men because

there have been loads. But Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, everyone

wants an insight into their lives, what were they like? They were

great. They turned up with no entourage. I was expecting

bus-loads. They were just there. Kanye had met us on the Friday night

Project and told him to come on the show. She was on with Ashley and

Pudsey. Do you remember them? We played this music which was like the

Congo music and it was so weird because Pudsey the dog got up and

put his paws on Kemp is Mac behind. It was the most surreal thing ever.

Kim's publicist ran into the gallery, stop! It is not in Kemp is

Mac contract to dance with dogs, stop it! Who has that written into a

contract anyway? But she did. She was a lot of fun. I could touch her

behind. It was like and you down or a baby Bell. I have seen the great

Wall of China and the Dalai Lama, it was like and Edam cheese. You know?

As we were saying, you do speak very candidly in the book. Who were you

most concerned about reading this? You know the phone is going to ring

at some point? I don't do Steven Seagal and people like that who did

not like me and I did not like him. Some of the diva things going on

were crazy like Mariah. She said, I will only be filmed from the left,

she wanted the Friday Night Project to be rotated and I said, what are

you like?! But I think it is the people around her because she kept

asking for massive plates of doughnuts and cookies and french

fries. I thought for a minute she had worms. Because she cannot eat

all this food because her waist is like that! She might ring up and sue

me saying I think she has got worms. That will be interesting for Judge

Rinder, went it?! We are thrilled there will be a Chatty Man special

but let's put the awful rumours to bed because they were saying the

show has been cancelled. It is coming back at Christmas, we are

resting it. I have been offered to go back to a Friday, it is eight

o'clock called Happy Hour. More of an entertainment show, celebrity

guests and fun. When it moved to a Thursday lost something. It feels

like a Friday shows I got offered to go on Friday night in a better slot

so I took it. I have got to take these chances and see where it goes.

Chatty Man is not over and let's try something new for a change.

APPLAUSE The book Alanatomy is out now.

Whether or not you are a history buff, most of us will have the year

1066 etched on our brains. It is etched. Tomorrow is the anniversary

of the Battle of Hastings and Gyles has discovered how some people are

still living with the legacy. 950 years ago, Britain was and

attack. A vicious army led by William of Normandy landed on the

Sussex coast. The big battle that followed laid the foundations for

the country we know today. It is a common misconception that the Battle

of Hastings took place in Hastings. It didn't, it took place about six

miles inland over there. But the legacy of that historic event still

lives on in Hastings today. With the 950th anniversary of the battle

looming, photographers Nigel and Andrew wanted to connect the locals

with their history. They came up with the idea of photographing

people whose names can be traced back to the Norman invaders. Well,

there are 14 accredited names of the barons and nights that fought with

William in the battle itself, so we sent out a call for those 40 names,

anybody who has those names can come forward can come forward and be part

of the project and part of the story. Andrew and Nigel have

photographed over a dozen residents keen to learn more about their

surnames' French connection. Sue Warren, a local teacher, was the

first to sign up for the project. Your surname is Warren, that doesn't

sound like a very Norman name, is it? My ancestor was one of the jokes

that came over with William the Conqueror, his cousin, actually. And

in return, he was given land in 13 counties. We stem from amazing

roots. Sue is just one of a small army of modern-day Normans learning

about themselves. Your name is Colin Jen Ehr, where does that come from?

We were the engineers who made the prefabricated castles. How do you

pronounce your surname, what happened to the family? A lot of

them went to Birmingham, and they changed their name to Grosvenor.

Still the wealthiest landowners in the land? And you are down here

winkle picking in Hastings! Not everyone can trace their family

history back 1000 years, but it is believed all these names have their

origin in the Norman conquest. According to historian Celia, the

surname itself is a Norman invention. People would often have

been known by a nickname, surnames are a registry names, and that was

introduced by the Normans. My name is Gyles Brandreth. Brandreth is a

locket of, a place name, your middle name is very likely a Norman name.

That is close enough for me. The portraits are going to be displayed

in a rather unusual occasion, bus shelters in the city centre. This is

our art gallery. A street installation, install, off you go!

Are you excited, nervous? I can't wait, I'm really excited to see what

it looks like. What about being on a bus stop? A great idea, so many

people will see it who wouldn't have gone to a gallery. Wow! Wow, I

agree. That is fantastic, a really great photograph. Well done, you are

right to be proud. What is in a name? Almost 1000 years of history,

that is what. What a lovely idea that is! Gyles

was here, as we can see, so the Normans brought the surname. They

brought the idea of the surname, a surname that you could inherit.

People were named, they were called by names, if you were a baker, you

would be cold Baker, but by the 14th century, the idea of a name that

would be passed your children, surnames as we now know them, that

took 700 years to happen. Alan, you might be surprised to hear that we

have turned the studio into a Carr showroom! Sarah Carr is about to

give birth. I am not the father! We have the own and her mother,

Margaret Carr, good evening. And there is even an Allan Carr. They

are celebrating 25 years of marriage.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A lovely way to celebrate!

Gyles, everyone wants to know where the surname Carr comes from with the

double R. I can tell you that it comes from the North of England, and

it means a bog dweller. LAUGHTER

It would be, wouldn't it?! Those who come up from the swamp our

Carrs. Sorry, everyone! But being called Alan, that is a Celtic's

Saint's name, and it originally meant bold, handsome, beautiful.

Beautiful bogged well, thank you so much! You have given with one hand

and taken with the other. It is a nice balancing act. It became a very

popular name with the Normans, Alan. You were a popular bog dweller. Alan

is dying out, we are on the list with the black rhino, no, it is

true. You never know! Gyles, it is good to know, you always got good

suggestions, what are you reading? This was given to me by one of my

children, your marvellous autobiography, Alan, and I am loving

it, I love the picture taken in younger, happier days. I have just

got to page 37, about halfway down, and I see the following line -

apparently, Gyles Brandreth is a borderline cretin! Is this... Did

you write this book yourself? Oh, it is because... I did! And speaks like

Nell in that Jodie Foster film. That doesn't help! I was talking about

counts down, where sometimes they help you with words. It was a joke,

I put it in as a joke! And it is also misspelt. Well, you called me a

bog dweller! I am trying to find you a tissue. The good news is I have

corrected all the punctuation, for the paperback my name will be

correctly spelt. I am so embarrassed! We will have to leave

at there! I am afraid we will have to leave at there! You can get your

own back. I love a nice bog dweller. You know? Gentlemen and bog dweller,

a double act. We are going to be due against each other, Kevin has been

to meet a gaggle of rowdy birds in elderly who have left some of the

locals spitting feathers. -- in Ilkley. They say that birds of

a feather flock together, but what about when they also honk together?

It is a noise that 86-year-old Philip is well used to. Ever since

he was just seven, he has had a gaggle of geese on his land in

Ilkley, West Yorkshire. After 79 years, a complaint about the honking

means they face eviction. Who is this fella? These a friendly one. A

friendly one, is he? I have been here all my life, they are nice to

look at, it is my pleasure. How did it make you feel when you heard

about the complaint? Well, I was in shock, you know, because in all

these years nobody has complained. But that changed in May with a

single call to Bradford Council complaining about the honking of the

geese and the banging of the tin cans that Philip strung up to keep

foxes at bay. An abatement order gave him 21 days to stop the noise.

Any further honking or clanking could mean fines of ?500 a day and

losing his birds altogether. It is part of nature, isn't it? It is like

being in the countryside. D-Day for them was back in June, but Philip

and his knees are seeking leave to appeal. Hi, Liz. Come in. They have

been here full 79 years, we have always had poultry on that land,

they have been part of the family for ever. What kind of effect has

been noticed had on your uncle? He's 86, he is afraid of losing his pets.

If he didn't have that, he would not have the excuse to do his daily

exercise, and that would be detrimental to his health. The case

has rustled others locally, with neighbours signing a petition to

save the flock. We started to form a campaign, it has involved all of

these residents, and they say they are part of Ilkley. Philip's family

actually build these houses. You are not talking about something that has

been introduced, it has been here all that time. I love having them

here, it was such a plus when I moved to here, it is a bit of rural

life. If they were not here, would you miss them? Oh, gosh, it would be

horrible, my grandchildren love to go and see them. It would be a sad

loss, really sad loss. But does the anonymous complainant have a point?

After all, a gaggle of these is not the quietest of neighbours. I am no

expert, but Richard Whitaker of Environmental Noise Solution is, and

he has a noise meter to tell us whether the geese and the tin cans

constitute a noise menace. Is this the kind of equipment the council

would use? Yes, something similar. Noisy neighbours were at the root of

nearly half of the 2350 complaints to Bradford Council's environmental

health team last year. And that is the same for councils across the

country, with more than 20,000 complaints a month, making noise the

number one nuisance. Obviously, you have been taking some measurements,

what have you found? I have been up close, and it has been perfectly

acceptable. At a distance, it is not. It is down to opinion, you

cannot control what they are doing. The expert opinion is that the jury

is still out. Meanwhile, Liz has been up before the beak at Bradford

Magistrates' Court and has some good news. The case was listed as for

appeal, which is great. Between now and the 15th of November, we are

going to be in contact with the council to discuss ways in which the

situation could be resolved. If it cannot be resolved, we will go to

appeal. What is the ideal situation, the ideal solution? Just getting the

council to tell me whether to get rid of them or not. If they tell me

to get rid of them, they will have to go, I suppose. There has not been

a dickie bird from the loan complainant, so what do the geese

make of it? Would you like to stay, girls? That is a yes if ever I heard

one! Unbelievable that all of that can

come from them. I really hope he does not lose his case, but we are

about to hold our very own wild goose chase. We have got David and

Barbara here with some beautiful gays, and the idea is that we are

going to do a little coarse and pen them at the end. -- geese. We are

going past gaggle gate, around the gooseberry bush, a full circle

around gander meander, passed down honker's corner and into the pen.

Who will get their hands on the golden goose?! Are you ready? Off

you go! How do you get them going? Gyles is in position, off and

running towards gaggle gate, doing well, Alan is slow off the mark.

Gyles, you need to get them back on track, all in one group now, a

massive gaggle! Look at this! This is a wonderful drive from Gyles

Brandreth, lovely stuff, he has gone around in a clockwise direction,

working well, pushing forward to what is... He has completely ignored

honker's corner! I am going to have to get involved, I am going to give

you a hand, Gyles, let's get these beautiful Brecon buffs in there.

Here we are, look, there we are, David. Alan and the gaggle behind

are well behind, this looks good to me, Gyles, put that in, put that in!

Gyles is in! Hang on, that will do! Let me help you with this as well,

get ready, Alan, close the gate, that will do! That will do indeed!

Congratulations! This is what comes of being assaulted with Countryfile!

Thank you for being such a good sport, Alan! Thank you so much! That

is all bought a night. Tomorrow Richard Osman and Gordon Ramsay will

be here, see you then!