Thursday Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High - a school just like yours,

a school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras filmed for a year to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

It's a brand-new day at Dockbridge High.

And it's time to get down to business, in Business Studies.

Mr Windlow is throwing Team Thrust in at the deep end,

which coincidentally,

is what happened to their last swimming teacher.

Deal.

-Sorry, just tying up a sponsor on my garden shed. You. Sell to me.

-What?

You're the salesman, I'm the customer.

-I haven't got anything to sell.

-Don't give me excuses.

-Uh...

This is a really good...textbook.

Uh, sell the sizzle, not the sausage.

-What?

-You're fired.

Team Thrust, all got your textbooks?

-ALL: Yes, sir.

-Hit the phones and start selling them.

There is plenty more in the stockroom.

We haven't got phones, sir.

Right, you are going to have to go door-to-door.

Selling our textbooks to other classes?

Great idea!

You're project manager. Let's do business. And remember...

At the end of this, one of you be will leaving the process.

-DOOR OPENS

-Sir, can I...?

-Fired!

Sales is a very important skill.

I wouldn't be stood here today if I couldn't sell,

make a lot of money, then resign and become a teacher.

I could literally sell the shirt off my back. And I literally have.

-Do you want to buy a book, sir?

-Books are for losers.

Hello again.

There are lots of rules at Dockbridge High.

No running in the corridors, no chewing gum.

-No bikes inside the building.

-Unless you're Mr Capp.

Sir, what are you doing?

Hey, chill, Jazzoo. I'm allowed. I'm a teacher.

But it doesn't mean you're allowed to graffiti the walls.

Doesn't it? Whatevs.

-Hold this.

-Whaaat?

Jasmine!

My office. Now.

Great(!)

-Why would I write Mr Capp on the wall?

-I don't know, Jasmine.

Why would you write Mr Capp on the wall?

Ah, Mrs McIntire.

You've caught me in the middle of some important deputy head duties.

Disciplining Jasmine for graffiti.

I was just about to do the same at myself.

As deputy head,

-I'm sending you to isolation for the rest of the lesson.

-Pah!

As deputy head, I'd give her a detention.

Well, I'm giving you two detentions.

I'd give her detention for a week

and get her to clean the graffiti using her own toothbrush.

I'm putting you on litter duty for a month.

A month?! I'd give her six.

Ten months detention, three years litter duty, and...

you have to help build the new school learning annexe,

which is due for completion in 2026.

I'll be 23 by then, sir.

Well you better make a start then, hadn't you? Off you go.

Off you go!

MOUTHS SILENTLY

Mr Capp. Inside. Now.

In the textiles classroom, Miss Dior-Durant is catching up

with old friends while her class are waiting to enter the room again.

Properly this time.

Enter. >

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh! Awful clothes.

Oh, please.

I hate it, your trouser. Oh!

Who even wears a uniform any more?

It's so last season. I know.

Unt end.

You come in properly first time next time.

Tired now.

Leave.

THEY MUMBLE

Photo time.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

No smiling.

Trainee teacher Miss Pinkham's father

is head of the board of governors,

which is in no way related to how she got this job.

OK, Chelsea Pinkham here.

But you can totes call me Wizz, literally everyone does.

My pet hates are pink on a butler,

helicopters that haven't even been personalised,

oh, and Pipi Kensington, who literally copied me

with this whole jewel-encrusted yacht thing.

Magda, darling, share, sharey the canapes. Magda is like my PA.

She's a total ledge.

So, epically non-cool question etiquette wise,

but why are you all so small?

We're children.

Oh, squee. Like Princess Charlotte.

-Well, not really because she's a baby.

-Amazeballs. I've met her.

Yah. She, like, totally mentioned something about that baby thing.

Oh, this is too funny. I'm texting her.

Magda, darling, text, texty.

So is being really short part of being a children?

Like a jockey? Or an interior designer?

We're children.

Oh, my goodness.

It's March! Why are we not skiing? We totally need to go skiing.

Oh, Magda, darling, text, texty for the jets.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah!

Last one to the lodge is a loser.

SHE GIGGLES

As Wizz heads to the slopes,

dinner lady Mrs Tucker has another tempting deal on offer.

Boys, boys, boys. Have I got an offer for you!

-Not today, thanks, Mrs Tucker.

-We've got everything we want.

-Pasta, salad, juice.

-We are sorted. Thank you anyway, miss.

Fair enough, boys. Fair enough.

You are clearly not interested in upgrading your dining experience.

What do you mean upgrading?

Oh, just this first-class, luxury dining package I've got on offer.

For one day only.

-First-class?

-Don't fall for it, Billy.

You listen to your friend. It's not for you gents.

You wouldn't be interested in a three-course lunch

then watching a massive TV in a reclining chair

with a couple of Year 7s waiting on you hand and foot.

All for just an extra four quid.

And I give you my personal guarantee on that.

Nah, I'm not falling for that. Forget it.

Fair enough, boys. Fair enough. I'll catch you later.

There is no way we'd get all that for four quid.

-We can get a table.

-Yeah, let's go, man.

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

That was the best £4 we ever spent.

# Aaaaaaaaaaah... #

Music teacher Mr Christopher's incredibly high standards

are only surpassed by his incredibly high voice.

# Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. #

And that's a high C. Thanks for asking, Martin.

So we're all here today to practise this.

A tube with holes in it.

What is this, the 1690s?

No-one ever won Britain's got talent playing a recorder, did they?

No.

THEY LAUGH

OK. So, recorders are out and street dance is in.

Am I right, guys?

-Yes, sir!

-STUDENTS SNIGGER

Yeah, I'm right.

So we're going to be doing some freestyle street dance.

And remember, there are no wrong answers in dance.

-Unless you get it wrong.

-EMILY SIGHS

So I'm going to be accompanying you on the drums.

Doo-be-doo-be-doo.

OK, so five, six, eight, and...

-SLOW BEATS

-Dance!

And dance.

And dance.

And dance.

And dance.

Let me see your high Cs, everyone.

THEY ALL SHRIEK

Martin, tell me you're filming this.

Landscape, Martin. Landscape.

# Aaaaaaaaaaaah... #

It's time for General Studies,

a lesson where literally any topic could crop up.

And often does.

Hello. Good afternoon.

And welcome to General Studies with me, your teacher, Mr Scofield.

APPLAUSE

It's time to meet today's contestant.

Let's have a nice, warm welcome for Emily from 8B.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome, Emily. And where have you come from today?

My desk.

Ooh, my desk. Lovely part of the world.

Now, Emily, I don't need to remind you that if you win General Studies,

you will not only receive a GCSE or equivalent qualification...

STUDENTS: Oooooh!

But you also take away

the General Studies souvenir question mark.

STUDENTS: Oooooh!

The big question on everyone's lips is what is today's general subject?

So let's find out and spin that wheel.

And today's subject is...

Food.

Emily, we asked 100 Year 10s to name varieties of tomato.

Emily, you need to give me a correct answer that nobody else said. Sh!

Cherry tomato.

Cherry tomato. Let's take a look and see if cherry is a scoreless answer.

Oh, sorry, Emily.

It wasn't scoreless, I'm afraid. What could she have had, Jasmine?

Emily should have gone for an answer like Tiny Tim,

Big Beef or Mr Stripey.

All of those would have been scoreless answers. Bad luck, Emily.

But very well done if you got any of those at home.

She's looking them up on a computer.

Emily, smile.

Known for his maverick teaching techniques,

Mr Capp often mashes up modern-day culture with classical literature.

With startling results.

You get me?

Whoop-whoop! English lit smack down. Holla!

SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER

Now, I want you to make some noise for one of the baddest poets

that ever lived.

The one, the only, my main man, Mr William Wordsworth.

Boom!

You see, the poets of yesteryear

were a lot like our modern-day rappers.

Jay-Zed is like Byron.

P Diddy Whatsit is Siegfried Sassoon.

And Konye, well, he's Pam Ayers. Know what I'm saying?

Now, Wordsworth, or The Wordsmith as I like to call him,

was out walking when he saw some daffodils and he was like,

"Aiight, I got to get the word back to my peeps."

So he wrote some fresh lyrics and there was some serious hype.

Shoutout to the Romantic movement.

Now, I'm going to rap some of Wordsworth's tight lyrics, yeah,

to make them more accessible to you young people.

And we're going to big him up. Are you ready?

HE BEATBOXES, STUDENTS GROAN

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Hello.

I wandered lonely as a cloud Whoop-whoop!

That floats on high over vales and hills

When all at once I saw crowd

Say what!

A host of golden daffodils Daffodils

D-d-d-d-daffodils

D-d-d-d-daffodils.

-HE PANTS

-Break it down.

CLASS LAUGHS

Aaah!

STUDENTS: Oh!

MR CAPP GROANS

-There are no words.

-He ruined Wordsworth and rap.

Maths teacher Mr Konnundrum likes to use ordinary

situations as an example of how maths can be used in the real world.

So, if a man is on the bus...

..and another man offers to sell him a snake...

..the snake is priced at £20 per metre...

..and the man pays £130 for the snake.

Should the man A - keep the snake,

since he's paid all that money for it,

and hide it in his desk at school? Or wherever he works.

But probably at school.

Or B - ride around on the bus with the snake

until he sees the man again and try to get his money back?

Yes, Tahj.

Sir, he should call the police and report it.

Right.

RATTLING

RATTLING AND HISSING

Quiet reading.

There's a snake in there.

Huge snake in there.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Snake Control Unit.

No, I can't hold. Mmm.

Bye, darlings. Mwah-mwah. Thanks for coming.

Thursday comes to an end

and the students and teachers head home.

Some more successfully than others.

And turn. No smiles.

Walk. Walk. Turn.

They'll all be back tomorrow...

if they can drum up the bus fare.

# Ain't seen nothing yet

# B-b-baby, you just ain't seen nothing yet

# Here's something that you're never gonna forget

# B-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-nothing yet

# Nothing yet You ain't been around... #