VIP Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High,

a school just like yours, a school like any other.

A place where bright young minds are taught by some of the wisest,

most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras filmed for a year to find out what life is really like

for the students and their teachers at this most ordinary of schools.

SIREN BLARES

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

It's the start of a new day at Dockbridge High

but already the deputy heads are involved in a fight

in the playground.

-PUPILS CHANT:

-Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight,

fight, fight, fight, fight, fight...

-BELL RINGS

-..fight, fight, fight, fight!

Head Teacher Mr Barker is known for his inspirational assemblies.

MR BARKER BARKS

Thank you, Mr Barker, for those inspirational words.

Particularly the part about acceptable school behaviour.

I think we should all follow Mr Barker's advice

where behaviour is concerned.

So, as Mr Barker has been called away on urgent business...

I think he's already done his business.

-..as your deputy head...

-And me, as your deputy head.

..to announce that today Dockbridge High

will be visited by a VIP.

-PUPILS GASP

-VI pee.

-What VIP?

-Oh...

Did Mr Barker not tell you?

Oh, I'm sorry, I've been sworn to secrecy.

But there will be an assembly this afternoon in honour of our guest.

She doesn't even know who it is.

I do but I'm under strict instruction not to tell anybody.

-Especially not you.

-You don't know.

You don't know how to put your shoes on.

You're stupid.

-Oh, I know you are. What am I?

-BELL RINGS

Another legendary assembly.

So, who do you think the special guest is?

-Don't know. Mark, ask your mum.

-She's not my mum!

-She is.

-Is not.

-She is.

-Is not.

-Seriously, who do you think it is?

Should I go home and get my make-up?

I'm seriously excited about this VIP.

I reckon it might be Rita Ora.

-Or Andy Murray.

-Or the Queen.

-Bill Gates.

-David Beckham.

-Beyonce.

-Katie...

-Mr Tumble. He's awesome.

Have you seen the one...

..where he falls over and gets the pie.

It's so funny, man.

Mark...

Yeah, you're right, he's too famous. It's probably the Queen.

Art teacher Miss Flip is about to unveil a special surprise

for the VIP.

Now, as you know,

we have a very special guest visiting the school today.

Which is why Mr Barker has agreed

to let us display one of Dockbridge High's

most prized possessions in our sculpture corner.

-SHE GASPS

-Oh, isn't it wonderful?

-So, delicate...

-What's it supposed to be, Miss?

Well, that's the beauty of modern art, Emily, you don't have to know.

If you don't know what it is, Miss,

How do you know when it's finished?

Finished? Yes. I wonder...

..if it could be even better if I added just one more thing?

I don't think you should, Miss.

You're right! Stand back, everyone.

-Artist at work!

-CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Streamline.

-SHRIEKS:

-That's it!

Yah!

SHE GROANS

Very...creative.

MISS FLIP SIGHS

-Class dismissed. Oh.

-BELL RINGS

Site Manager Dave is patrolling the corridors.

There's a VIP in town.

And by town I mean school.

So, as the site manager, I have to stay on my toes.

And by my toes, I mean...toes.

'Dave, are you receiving me?'

Copy that, Kev, over.

'We have a code eight situation in sector four, this is not a drill.

'There are no paper towels in the boys' toilets, over.'

10-4, I'm on my way.

-SIREN BLARES

-Right, out of the way, emergency!

Gangway! This is not a drill!

Emergency!

In honour of today's special visitor,

Mr Christopher is teaching Year Eight

a dance routine based on the musical Cats

to perform at this afternoon's assembly.

So, whenever there's a visitor at the school,

I always do a bespoke dance piece.

And they just expect it of me

and they don't even need to tell me to do it now.

They don't need to. Cos I will deliver.

Spin. And...

Hold your positions.

And relax.

OK, everyone, huddle in, huddle in.

Chop chop, doobie, doobie, doobie.

-HE PANTS

-No-one panic.

But the assembly for the VIP is this afternoon

and if you lot do then what you did just now, I will literally die.

-HE INHALES DEEPLY

-And breathe.

OK. So, let's all give it another go.

But if you don't get it right this time,

I will have to do it on my own - solo.

OK, so let's shake out.

-Shaking out.

-Sir.

-OK, shaking it.

-Sir.

-I can't hear you cos I'm shaking out.

-Sir, I need the toilet!

Fine, just go.

Amateurs. OK, everyone, so, let's go from the top,

which is what professional dancers call the start.

And, remember, we're meant to be doing Cats.

So let's try and channel our inner...

OK, triangle, Martin.

Space.

And five, six, eight.

And I'm a cat. Meow. I'm a cat. Meow.

OK. Arr. Work it.

Work it. Oh, that's terrible.

OK, stop working it and watch me work it.

I'm a cat, that's it, I'm a ca-a-t.

Meow.

Hmm. I'm a cat.

Self-taught.

-SIREN BLARES

-Don't panic! I got towels!

TOILET FLUSHES

No, there were no paper towels.

It's all right, I wiped my hands on my trousers.

On your trousers?!

Oh, I've let you down. I've let the whole school down.

There's only one thing I can do -

-resign.

-Refill.

Or refill them. Yeah. OK.

Over in science, the pupils are preparing

for another potentially hazardous lesson with Mr Nasal.

-NASAL VOICE:

-OK, quieten down, quieten down.

Now, get out your books and your pens and pencils, please.

OK, class.

Turn to page 33.

-Oh, Emily, don't te...

-PUPILS GASP

Ah...ah...

..don't tell me you've forgotten your science book

but you've remembered to bring...

-What is this?

-Moisturiser, Sir.

You know, to stop your skin from drying out.

Moisture for your skin? Oh, no, thank you.

-That sounds disgusting.

-HE WIPES HIS SNOT

-PUPILS:

-Urgh.

-HE SNIFFS

-Ah...ah.

..ah...choo!

PUPILS GROAN

(That's disgusting.)

-Ugh.

-HE SNIFFS

Hm, unusual fragrance but quite pleasant. May I?

PUPILS GASP

-Ah.

-PUPILS RETCH

-Ah.

-It's all right, Sir, you keep it.

Oh, thanks very much, Emily.

Right then, class, where were we?

Oh, yes, page 33 and our study of mucus-producing organisms.

Lunchtime - the canteen is buzzing with talk of the mystery VIP.

What if it's Wayne Rooney?

No, I think it's the Prime Minister.

But the staff remain 100% focused on their work.

-PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

-Pool party!

And, so, to maths with Mr Conundrum

who encourages his students to apply mathematics

to everyday situations.

-So...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

If a man purchases one pair of roller skates on a Friday...

..the shopkeeper informs him that he has seven days

in which to return them.

He falls over 50, hm, times.

What is the last day in which he can return them to the shop?

Yes, Tahj.

-Friday.

-Friday. Hm. And for an extra mark, when is it Friday?

-Today, Sir.

-Today?!

-Right.

-CLASS LAUGHS

Quiet reading!

Ah!

Meanwhile, in product design,

Mr Oakley has fashioned a bespoke chair for the VIP guest.

OK, listen up, men.

-I'm not a man.

-Ah, but thou will be one day, lad.

Thou will be one day.

I won't.

In honour of our special guest today, I have made this chair.

It's carved all from a single piece of oak.

Any idea of what else can be carved whole from a single piece of oak?

Yes, son.

-A pencil.

-A walking stick.

-A bowl.

Ooh, good, manly answers, men.

But correct answer to the question -

what else can be carved whole from a single piece of oak -

is anything.

You see now, lads, the day will come, as it did with me

when you finish making your first chair -

carved all from a single piece of oak.

And you'll be stood, holding your chisel,

a wooden chisel that you've whittled away with your knife,

a knife made solely out of oak and then,

and only then, you'll be a man.

-I won't.

-Oh, you will...son.

Now, observe, men, as I apply chisel to wood.

Man goggles on.

And because when you're a man,

working with wood, as I am a man working with...

Ahh!

Splinter!

-SIREN BLARES

-Out of the way! Out of the way!

We've got a splinter!

Ahh!

This lady needs medical attention, out of the way!

In foods technology, Miss Davis has a special treat bubbling away.

As we've got a special assembly straight after this lesson,

I thought we should cook a dish for our VIP.

And I've gone for something warm and steamy.

-PFFFFFFRT!

-Brown and beefy...

-PFFFFFFRT!

-Can you hear it bubbling?

PFFFFFFRT! PFFFFFFRT!

That means it's ready to come out.

-PFFFFFFRT!

-Oh.

It's made a bit of a mess on its way out.

PFFFFFFRT!

But that's because it's been simmering away in its meaty juices.

PFFFFFFRT!

Hmm, smell that.

If you inhale really deeply, you can practically taste it.

PFFFFFFRT!

PUPILS COUGH AND RETCH BELL RINGS

And, so, at the end of the day,

the school assembles especially for the special school assembly.

I don't think it is, but what if it is?

Quiet, please.

Quiet, please, everyone.

I can now reveal the identity of the special guest

that you've all been waiting for.

Here to present an award to Mr Barker...

..is Mrs Margot Collie, head judge of the Great British Dog Show.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Mrs Collie, we're so thrilled that you could come.

As Mrs Collie presents Mr Barker with his dog award,

-Mr Christopher presents his cat dance.

-Five, six, eight!

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

MR BARKER BARKS

MR BARKER BARKS

Oh!

As the pupils celebrate their favourite assembly

of the year so far...

..Mr Christopher heads for home.

Honestly, let's just talk about it.

Closely followed by Mr Barker.

Just, have the tail! Have the tail!

# Get your motor runnin'

# Head out on the highway

# Lookin' for adventure

# In whatever comes our way

# Born to be wild. #