Sport Special Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Hello, and welcome to the Horrible Histories Sports Special.

Hundreds of years of brutal historical sports

crammed into one bone-crunching half hour,

and I expect there'll be quite a few minutes of injury time.

We ancient Greeks really loved our sports.

We had javelin throwing, wrestling and archery,

and that was just in the war with the Persians.

It was in those wars that a very famous sporting event

had it's origins.

It's 490 BC, you join us in Ancient Greece,

for what should be a memorable long distance run.

The course starts here at the Battle of Marathon.

Sorry. Can you keep the noise down? This is live broadcast.

Thanks guys. Cheers.

The course starts right here at the Battle of Marathon,

where the heavily outnumbered Athenian troops look set to win

an unexpected victory against the mass ranks of the Persian army.

Now, this is the first time a 25-mile distance has been run.

-We should give it a name.

-Well, the course runs from Marathon to Athens,

so we should, obviously, call it an "Athens".

Although, this is the Battle of Marathon.

You're absolutely right, John, let's call it an "Battle."

Unbelievable! I'm off to talk to the favourite to win.

Hello, Pheidippides.

What do you think your chances of winning are today?

Pretty good, given I am the only one running.

That would stack the odds heavily in your favour.

Can you remind us why you're running to Athens?

To take the message that we have beaten the Persians.

The race hasn't begun and I notice you seem out of breath already.

Well, yeah, John, over the last couple of days,

I've done a 150-mile training run,

-to Sparta and back, to ask for their help when the Persians landed.

-Wow!

Do you think you've got enough in the tank for another 25 miles?

Well, there's only one way to find out. Wish me luck.

-And they're off. Pheidippides making a great...

-Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

-And they're off!

Pheidippides in first and last place.

Can't wait to see what happens at the finish line.

This is the first time the course has been run.

What a challenging course it is.

Pheidippides has a mountain to climb,

a big hill, anyway, as the route ends with a steep climb into Athens.

That'll be a real challenge in the heat of the sun.

Athenian athlete Pheidippides

is about to finish the first ever 25-mile Marathon run.

Oh, Marathon! That's a great name for it.

Really?

And here comes Pheidippides.

I have to say he looks exhausted.

People of Athens, we've won a great victory.

I think he's dead. That's going to make the post-race interview

very, very difficult, indeed.

Ah, it's been such a great race, the crowd have been amazing.

Please save the rhino, just give everything. Is he all right?

-He's dead.

-What?!

And that is the story of where we get marathons from.

The modern marathon is just over a mile longer

than the original 25 miles.

I completed last year's London Marathon in under three hours,

although I did do most of it in a fast flowing sewer.

Hey, what do you want? It's a long way and I've only got little legs.

Anyway, I'm not the first person to cheat.

Welcome to our Rotten Rundown of the worst marathon cheats.

At number three it's American Rosie Ruiz,

who finished first in the 1980 Boston Marathon in a record time.

Here we are, half a mile from the finish,

and Rosie should be along any minute.

Here she is now, jumping out of the crowd.

Why run 26 miles when you can just run the last half mile

and still finish first?

I should probably look a bit sweatier.

She was busted and disqualified.

At number two, it's American Fred Lorz,

he finished first in the 1904 Olympics in St Louis,

completing the course in three hours, 13 minutes.

I put my success down to diet, training,

and my manager who drove me half the race.

I would have been even quicker if it hadn't broken down.

-In fact, why am I telling you this?

-You guessed it - disqualified.

At number one, its South Africa's Fika Motsoeneng,

who ran the country's gruelling 90-kilometre ultra-marathon in 1999.

I couldn't have done it without Sergio.

No, literally! We swapped over halfway.

The identical twin brothers

swapped over their shoes and timing chip in the toilet.

We would have got away with it

if idiot, here, hadn't worn his watch on the wrong wrist.

Oh, yeah. Different wrist.

I can't believe we are related.

Disqualified. Talk about out of order!

He caught a bus and then hid behind a tree

until the first two runners had gone past.

He too was disqualified.

Right, I'm just hearing details of a highly unusual boxing match

in Ancient Greece,

so, if you don't want to know how it all ended, look away now.

Oh, and cover your ears.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hee hee! #

Next!

And who might you be?

I'm a boxer, yeah? From Ancient Greece.

Are you the Greek boxer, Theagenes of Thasos?

Don't say that name!

Keep your beard on!

I promise I won't say that name again, the name Theagenes.

-Stop it!

-Sorry, did I say Theagenes?

I did say Theagenes, sorry. It turns out I did say Theagenes.

-Will you stop it, yeah?

-Let's get on with your stupid death.

Does it by any chance involve a certain you-know-who,

and by that I mean Theagenes?

Yeah, it does.

Right, I hated Theagenes of Thasos,

I really hated him cos he was the champion boxer.

I fought him loads of times, but he always beat me,

and he was famous in Greece, and guess what happens next?

He dies before I can beat him

-and then the people of Thasos build a huge statue of him.

-Yes.

So, every night, yeah? I creep down with a big stick

and I beat the statue of Theagenes of Thasos.

Like, "Ha, I'm beating Theagenes." It made me feel so much better.

Any idea where he's going with this? I'm clueless.

So, anyway, one night I crept down with my stick

and I beat the statue of Theagenes of Thasos

so hard that it fell down on top of me and it killed me.

I didn't see that coming.

But then, neither did you.

Was the boxer's statue a heavyweight?

Get it? A heavyweight boxer statue.

Yeah, I don't get it.

All right, off you go to the afterlife.

-Nice one, yeah? I'll see ya later.

-Yeah.

Knockout. Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo. #

The Greeks may have invented boxing, but it was us Georgians who,

in 1805, made some changes, which led to an incredible transformation.

Tonight is going to be a real cracker.

Let's meet the fighters.

First up we're got London's finest, the huge,

the undefeated, Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes.

Let's look at Tough Tom in action.

He's a real expert at classic Georgian bare knuckle boxing,

where two rivals stand stock still and slug it out.

Yeah!

Next up it's the newcomer,

from New York in the USA,

it's the comparatively smaller Bill Richmond.

Bill was born a slave in New York, USA,

and learned his trade boxing

at the Duke of Northumberland's dinner parties.

I have to say, he looks a lot smaller than Tough Tom.

-This will be carnage.

-Certainly looks that way, Steve.

Seconds out, round one.

Tough Tom is really fired up for this one.

Oh, I can't watch.

Hold on, what was that?

Bill Richmond has got out of the way of one of Tough Tom's punches?

-Is that allowed?

-I guess.

He's got out of the way of another one.

Nobody has ever done that in boxing history.

Though, not letting your opponent hit you is not a bad idea.

He's invented a new technique. Why did nobody do it before?

Probably because their heads were mashed up by all the boxing.

Oh! He's floored him! He has floored him.

It looks like Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes is out for the count.

You're out!

Bill "Get-out-of-the-way" Richmond is the winner. Back to the studio.

The boxing move Bill Richmond invented

isn't really called "the getting out of the way",

it's known as "the bob and weave".

I prefer the move known as "the scream and run away".

Sporting events have always been popular in Scotland,

but it wasn't until the Georgian era that the Highland Games

became an annual event, with some pretty extraordinary contests.

Today's programme features a number of traditional

Highland Game pursuits.

There's the running race, the lifting a heavy stone competition,

and throwing a hammer, preferably in the direction of the bagpipe player.

SCREAMING

Oops! I feel a bit bad about saying that now.

Anyhow, there's one particular event that caught my attention,

and I have the winner here with me now.

-Jamie, congratulations.

-Thanks, Andrea.

So, you won for the bizarrely-named "Twisting the Cow" competition.

Can you tell us exactly what that involves?

Well Andrea, it involves twisting the four legs off a cow.

A dead cow?

Aye, a dead cow - we're not animals!

And can you tell us exactly how you made it through to today's final?

Well, I put in a lot of hard work, but mostly I did it on the hoof.

HE LAUGHS

On the hoof!

I imagine twisting the leg off a cow is pretty difficult.

Do you get many injuries?

Aye, well I did tear a calf muscle during my warm-up,

but I've never been injured myself!

HE LAUGHS

And what was your prize for winning?

A fattened sheep.

Great. And are you confident about winning next year's competition?

Aye, I'm quite bullish about it.

HE LAUGHS

Good luck with that, back to the studio.

-Want some?

-No, it's all right, I'm a vegan.

-OK, fair enough.

In the Middle Ages,

people would slide down Heading Hill, in Stirling,

on a horse's skull.

They called the sport "Hurly Hacket".

All righty, that's half-time. Oranges, anyone?

They're fresh out of the dumpster.

No? Good, that's all the more for me.

We Victorians loved our football and founded lots of clubs,

like Sheffield United, famous for its badly-behaved

celebrity goalkeeper, "Fatty" Foulke.

In this week's Two-Three-Five Magazine,

we interview the Victorian footballer they all talk about -

celebrity goalkeeper, William "Fatty" Foulke.

Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?

I did. I once ate my entire team's dinners.

And I was still a bit peckish.

We've got all the man-mountain stats.

He's nearly two metres tall, and 150 kilograms.

Yes, that's right, a whopping 150 kilograms.

He recently moved to Chelsea for a record transfer fee of £50.

He's the most expensive footballer ever.

We've got Fatty's top tips on keeping goal. Tip one...

I find the best way to stop the opposition from scoring

is to fill the goal - literally!

Oh! A few more pies should do it!

Tip two...

Do try not to lean on the goalposts. I find you can easily break them.

-GOALPOSTS CREAK

-Ooh.

Tip three...

Get angry. REALLY ANGRY!

The only thing I like to see in the back of my net

is an opposition striker!

Sometimes I like to throw them in!

Ah!

Yes, read the inside story on Fatty's famous temper,

as we meet the referee who was so scared of him he hid in a cupboard.

Don't tell him I'm in here!

And that's not all! Enter our spot-the-ball competition,

and you could win a genuine pure leather Victorian football.

Be warned, they get a bit heavy when it's been raining.

Argh! Ah!

Two-Three-Five Magazine -

everything you need to know about Victorian football. Buy it now!

Or I'll get ANGRY!

Really angry.

Coming up next on this Horrible Histories Sport Special,

it's time for Tudor football.

There's nothing like football,

and Tudor football is nothing like football.

Let's go over live to the 1500s to join our commentator pitch-side.

I'm here with Alan, captain of the Roxbridge Village Team,

who's here to tell me a little bit more about the sport.

I understand it's a very important match here today.

It's nice to see the whole village has turned out...

Yeah, great to see so much support for the team.

They're not support - the whole village plays for the team.

It's our village versus the neighbouring village.

I see, and what's the score?

Oh, it's still nil-nil, but we did come close to a goal.

-Thrilling. How close exactly?

-About two and a half miles.

-Two and a half miles?!

-Yeah, we play between two villages.

The winners get the ball through the other village's cemetery gates.

-Urgh! And this is your ball?

-Yeah, it's made of pig's bladder.

It looks like a pig's... Oh! Argh!

Oh, now...

..that is inexcusable!

Where is the referee?

There's no referee, there's no rules.

Oh, that does explain the black eye, the broken finger,

and what appears to be a bitten ear.

Yeah, well it's just a gentle game today, Gary.

Last game, I dislocated my arm and broke my jaw.

Nasty. Is it possible to have a word with the captain of the opposition?

-Yeah, go ahead.

-Thank you!

So, how's the game going from your point of view?

Hi Gary. Yeah, pretty good.

I think it'll be a long one, could go on for hours.

I think some of the lads will end up flat on their backs by the end.

-Exhausted?

-No, dead.

This is how brutal the game can be, you know.

-Do you want to be on our side, cos...?

-I'll certainly give it a go!

Oh!

-Urgh!

-Yep, still got it.

Henry VIII needed lots of young, fit men for the English Army,

and so many people were getting injured playing Tudor football,

that in 1540, Henry made it illegal.

In any case, you shouldn't play football with pigs' bladders -

you should eat them - they're delish!

Coming up later, it's Christians and lions

in our Maul of the Day competition.

But first, we've got gladiator fights,

which as well as ending in death, also began with death,

since they had their origins in Roman funerals.

And above all, Messinus was a wise and a noble man,

who only ever beat his slaves when it was absolutely necessary.

He will be sorely missed by us all.

And now for the fight.

ALL: Yeah! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Go on! Kick his head in.

What on earth's going on?

Oh, it's the latest Roman thing. You get your two favourite slaves

to fight to the death in front of your graveside.

-Whatever for?

-Oh, it's very noble.

The loser's like a sort of sacrifice to the dead man.

You know, keep his soul company.

But mostly, it's really good fun to watch.

So this is catching on, then?

Oh yeah. A friend of mine died last month.

Had three fights.

That means three more funerals, and three fights at each one -

that makes nine funerals.

I tell you, it's been wall-to-wall funerals for weeks now. Brilliant.

HE GROANS

Which one was that?

Erm, Marcus.

We are gathered here today to mark the passing of Marcus.

He was a good slave.

-I can't believe all this.

-Ah, this is nothing.

My uncle Centillus had it written into his will that he wanted

a fight to the death between two beautiful women.

Seriously?

Yeah. His funeral's in ten minutes.

It's disgu... Can I come?

Yeah, but you've got to pretend to be sad until the fight starts.

Oh, yeah - no problem.

ALL: Fight! Fight!

That's right!

Slaves were made to fight to the death at Roman funerals.

Then someone had the bright idea of putting them in an arena,

and gladiator games were born.

They really had guts, those gladiators -

you could usually see them on the arena floor!

And if gladiators weren't gory enough for your liking,

there was always Roman chariot-racing.

Enjoy the thrills and spills, but chiefly the spills,

at chariot-racing at the Circus Maximus,

with celebrity charioteer, Scorpus, winner of over 2,000 races.

2,000 and counting!

The most brutal and deadly race of all time.

Good choice.

Choose team colour.

Yeah, green's good,

although red doesn't show up your opponent's blood so much.

HE LAUGHS

Let the race commence!

Oh-ho-ho!

Do you have what it takes to survive the seven laps?

-Oh yeah!

-Well, he doesn't.

Watch out for the fallen charioteer, you don't want to miss him.

-Nearly missed you!

-And watch out for the flying horse poo.

HE LAUGHS

Avoid the broken chariots, known as "shipwrecks".

If you do crash, don't forget to let go of the reins.

Oh, unlucky, you can't, they're wrapped around your waist.

So long, sucker!

-Scorpus wins.

-Yeah!

And I live to race another day, unlike my winning horse,

who is to be sacrificed to the gods.

I shall miss you, Dobbinus. I'm not crying.

Go away. I'm not crying.

I'm not!

The original Olympic Games were just for Greek competitors.

It was one of us Victorians who dreamed up

the modern international sporting event. Good day.

Ah, bonjour, gentlemen. My name is Baron de Coubertin.

Ah, Bonjour Monsieur. Ca va?

Ah, vous parlez francais?

No, don't ever do that.

OK, so I would very much like to pitch the story

of the first Olympic Games.

Ah, Greece, the Acropolis.

Clash of the Titans, this could be interesting.

Get your sunblock, Greece is hot.

Apologies, I think there is some confusion.

I don't want to pitch the story of the Ancient Greece Olympics.

Whatever! So long as you're wearing togas.

There won't be any togas.

It is not the Olympics from thousands of years ago.

The games I started is the modern Olympics, from 1896.

-Is anyone else here like really confused?

-Always.

I think I get it. You created the modern Olympics?

-Yes!

-The first Olympic Games since the original Ancient Greek ones.

Well, no, because I have a friend, William Penny Brookes.

He created an Olympics in 1850,

in the small Shropshire village of Much Wenlock.

It is what I based my Olympics on.

So what you set up was the third version of the Olympic Games?

Well, no, because I think there is another one -

the Cotswold Olympics, in the early 1600s.

But you know, it was more traditional,

quirky English games, not a serious sporting event.

-OK - quirky, English - I'm thinking Hugh Grant.

-Hugh Grant!

What you're trying to pitch is the unique story of the founding

of the fourth different version of the Olympics.

"Olympics four - the disappointment"!

My Olympics changed the world.

It shows what mankind can achieve when pushed to his limits.

-Think of erm... Usain Bolt.

-Bolt! I love that movie!

-Is there a cartoon dog in the story?

-No, it is a serious sporting event.

Winning an Olympic gold medal

is one of the highest achievements you can make.

I know, because in the 1912 Olympics, I win one. Look at this.

-Bling!

-Impressive.

-For what particular sporting event did you win that?

-Literature.

-OK, I think we're done here.

-On your marks, get set, get out!

THEY HUM CHARIOTS OF FIRE

-# Da-da-da-da-da-na

-# Doo-doo!

# Da-da-da-ni..

# Da-da-da-da-da-na

-# Doo-doo!

-# Da-da-da-da-da-na

-Oh, reservoir!

-Nice guy.

-Mm.

Time now for some sporting action from Ancient Greece.

Not from the Olympics, but from the Isthmian Games.

There were lots of games in Ancient Greece

that were just as good as the Olympics.

And you join us here in Isthmia, for this,

the final race in this year's thrilling Isthimian Games.

And, here about to cross the finish line in first place,

it looks like, yes, it's Armando of Kos.

Armando, congratulations, that was a truly astonishing victory.

Ah, thanks.

It was really hard work,

but it's worth it for such a fantastic prize.

Of course, and here is your prize - the incredible crown of celery.

What? Celery?

The prize is celery?

Yes, didn't you know?

No, I thought it was salary - a yearly wage.

Cash, dosh, wonga - I'm in it for the money.

Ah, well, the bad news is your prize is, in fact, just a celery hat.

And what's the good news?

The good news is I bought this delicious Greek dip.

Mm, now that is rich!

Sorry.

# In 776 BC Olympics were begun

# Greece was the only country So naturally we won

# Cheats built bronzes of god Zeus Were we honest winners?

# The answer's no - we had more statues than you've had hot dinners

# Our games meant truce was called in war a peace every four years

# But wrestling was so violent that bouts could end in tears

# No girls allowed to watch or run - that might sound rude

# But makes sense when I tell you we competed nude

# Flame!

# It's going to burn forever

# Love for Olympic heroes

# Flame!

# We'd like one next, however

# Sadly, it's Emperor Nero.

Hey watch it, you two, all right?

# I went from Rome to Greece so I could play them at their games

# In 67 AD, you know I won Olympic fame

# I told them to include a contest based on poetry

# Not much good for sportsmen, no But brilliant for me. Ha-ha!

# Crashed my racing chariot But still awarded gold

# Hey, my Olympics, my rules To argue would be bold.

# I won every medal that was up for grabs

# The crowd loved it Well, they had to

# Or I would have had them stabbed, OK?

# Flame!

# Olympic champion, that's me My Games were Emperor's own brand

-# Flame!

-Think I was bad?

# In 393 Christian Rome had them banned

# It's over, it's over, it's over It's over, it's over, it's over

# Shame! #

Wait! Not so fast!

# I'm Baron de Coubertin A famous French historian

# I read of the Olympic Games Thought I should try restoring them

# They'd be just like the old days I said, but did propose

# That unlike Greeks, Victorians should do them wearing clothes

# In 1896, re-launched the Games in dear old Greece

# Hoped it would make men more moral As well as less obese

# Rebuilt a stadium so we could start to play

# Games of the modern Olympics Which we still have today

# Flame!

# I'm owed my personal glory

# But no-one remembers my name

# Flame!

# So here to finish our story

# A man who has gold-plated fame

# I'm Jesse Owens Fastest man in 1936

# I took home four gold medals, yeah But that's just the basics

# What you should know about the fact I was victorious

# Is it made Herr Hitler mad Ha, it made him "Fuhrer-ous"

# Hitler said Berlin should be the Games' Germanic base

# So he could show the world Aryans were the master race

# I won in four events He had to back pedal

# His evil theory destroyed with every medal

# Flame! It's going to burn forever

# Olympics are never in doubt

# Flame! A fire of sporting endeavour.

You realise it's actually gone out?

# Olympic, Olympic

# Flame! #

Well, that's all we've got time for

in this Horrible Histories Sport Special.

They think it's all over, it is.

No, it isn't. There's just time for me to say,

"They think it's all over, it is now", one more time.

They think it's all over, it is now.

See, told you.

# Tall tales Atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts...

If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery

-# Hope you enjoyed

-Horrible Histories. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd