The Committee Meeting Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language

Welcome to The Committee Meeting! At tonight's meeting we have

pop and crisps,

speaking in turn,

special guest, Colin Baker,

and tube lighting.

This is a meeting and you are the members.

Welcome to The Committee Meeting.

And chairing tonight's meeting,

it's everyone's favourite chairman,

it's Chairman of the Club, Mr Chairman!

APPLAUSE

Hurray!

Welcome!

Welcome to The Committee Meeting!

CHEERING

Who's ready for the bell of authority?

AUDIENCE: Yay!

Who's ready to vote on things associated with Club business?

AUDIENCE: Yay!

Who came to the last meeting? Yeah!

Kayleigh Goodhand there, our minute-taker.

What have you got for us so far, Kayleigh?

Mr Chairman arrives, striding majestically through the club,

his posture uncompromised by the fact that his flies are unzipped,

but no-one has told him.

And I'll be damned if I've got the self-confidence to tell him,

and I'll be damned if I'm going to complain!

Thank you, Kayleigh!

That's really lovely, Kayleigh.

Just remember, just try and keep it brief and neutral.

A furious telling off from Mr Chairman left me wracked with guilt

and self-doubt.

His face, burning red like an angry tomato

in a salad of disappointment.

Right, now coming up later we've got our special guest, Mr Colin Baker.

AUDIENCE: Yay!

But let's get going. It's time for the first item on the agenda,

that is the arrival of lifelong caretaker of the club,

deluded Marxist and health and safety obsessive, Mr Rex Jones!

Oh, hello! Ah!

All right?

Look at this.

Look at this!

I mean the club is red hot, it's buzzing!

It's like watching snooker on a colour television

for the first time, all over again.

I'm about to get a joy migraine, Mr Chairman, it's so exciting!

Finally, new members!

A bit of fresh blood has been injected into the club.

Look at you there.

Young people, I don't understand you,

drinking your ridiculous drinks.

Back in my day you see, WKD stood for World Kidney Day,

raising awareness.

Now it's just a short cut to hedonism, isn't it?

And you know young people, I bet you're king of the youth club

in your bell-bottoms and cardigan there, fantastic!

And some not so young!

I bet you're as angry with decimalisation as I am, yes?

If you don't understand the logic behind 240 pennies in a pound,

you don't deserve your own money,

that's what I've always said. Good to see you.

Hey, listen. What have you done to your eye?

Oh, er, minor little DIY accident.

No, what was it?

Nail gun.

And are you going to be all right?

Spot of TCP, I'll be absolutely right as rain, Mr Chairman.

See, these days, most people would call an injuries lawyer,

but back in my day you'd put a nail through the retina

down to experience.

Eh, you don't make that mistake twice, let me tell you!

It's just not like you - a man so obsessed with health and safety.

I'm not obsessed, Mr Chairman, I'm just careful.

You ruined last Friday's pool competition.

LAUGHTER

And we've not had an injury since, Mr Chairman.

I stand by it.

Come on, let's go and see what's on our first item on the agenda.

It's the suggestion that, "during the club's belly dancing classes,

"participants should wear modesty capes."

And the proposer is Rex Jones. So, er, what's all this about?

You know me, Mr Chairman. I am far from a prude, but the sight

of any exposed human flesh will and does give me a panic attack.

OK. You know, I mean the downside is that, as a result,

Mrs Rex and I are tragically childless.

But, er...

The upside is that she can knit literally anything.

She knitted an Arc de Triomphe for the porch the other week.

It's an incredible thing.

All right, well, look, let's put it to the vote then, Members.

All those in favour of modesty capes being worn... Mr Chairman?

Mr Chairman!

Oh, look who it is.

It's Rex's estranged brother, from the Conservative Club!

Rex.

Vernon.

What do you want, Vernon?

I'm trying to run a committee meeting here.

Mr Chairman, it has come to my notice that you are to be hosting

a celebrity guest this evening.

Yes, yes, we are.

Well, it is my solemn duty to remind you that rule 371,

subsection D, paragraph 4 of the village's 1982 Social Club Act,

clearly states that, "in the event of a celebrity visit,

"both clubs should have the opportunity to persuade or tempt

"the star guest to their own premises, thus providing

"residents with an equal opportunity to be starstruck."

Who the hell wrote that?!

Er, interesting story.

I did. Um... What did you write that for?

We'd been negotiating for 39 hours straight,

Mr Chairman! I was very, very tired!

Boutros Boutros-Ghali had walked out, and it was him

who'd tabled the original motion.

I was shattered!

And as such, I would ask you, Mr Chairman, whether this guest

has been given the choice of which club he would like to visit?

Does he, for example, know what is available at the Conservative Club?

No, I doubt it.

The Jeremy Clarkson Car Park!

Oh, come on!

The George Osborne central heating system!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

The Boris Johnson bicycle shed!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

The wasabi peas? AUDIENCE: Boo!

All right, that's enough.

You've annoyed the members so much they're booing peas, for God's sake!

In that case, Mr Chairman, I demand the opportunity to put to the guest

said benefits of my club over this damp-infested museum of drab.

Steady on!

I shall return.

Cheerio!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

Honestly! He doesn't know what he's talking about,

"Nothing ever happens."

I mean, last week, we thought there was a poltergeist.

Is there anybody there?

Please, make a noise.

Make a loud noise.

Argh! Argh!

Argh! Argh! What is it? What?! What?! What?!

That is a direct contravention

of the Health and Safety at Work Act, 1974,

that "all supporting structures should be fit for purpose."

For God's sake, Rex! Can you not take your mind off the day-to-day

running of the club and help me find a poltergeist?

What is the matter with you?! Look at the state on that.

For BLEEP's sake! Oh, who put that up?

Never mind who put it up!

I mean, in retrospect, it was a lot of fuss over nothing,

but I stand by my original panic.

All right, fair enough. Well, look, back to the agenda.

Members, all those who are in favour of modesty capes being worn

during belly dancing classes, say "censorship."

Censorship.

And all those against, say "Live and let live!"

AUDIENCE: Live and let live!

That's actually closer than I thought it was going to be.

I was quite pleased with that.

And unfortunately, that's a motion denied there, Rex, I'm afraid.

Kayleigh, if you could just jot that down now, that would be great.

The crowd groaned as the decision fell like an anvil

of disappointment on the repressed. Me? I loved it!

Kayleigh? Kayleigh, that's great.

Just remember, keep it neutral.

Mr Chairman, brutal in his put- downs, picked up my confidence

and smashed it into the rocks like an emotionless fisherman,

dashing the life out of a gullible mackerel, drowned in salty misery!

Next item on the agenda is, er, let's have a look what it is.

Oh, it's your new Health and Safety video, Rex. Yes.

Oh, you've had some crackers as well, over the years, haven't you?

Certainly have.

"The myth of the shatter-proof ruler - a wolf in sheep's clothing."

Two long years in the making.

Yeah. "Urine - curing an earache on a budget."

The critics never liked it, but it did the trick.

This is my favourite, "Blu-Tack: a warning from history." Oh, yes.

We used the same script writer as on Nutty Professor 2, The Klumps.

He hadn't worked for years, bless him.

Here's some more great advice from Rex Jones to help keep you safe

in your daily life.

I am the spirit of dangerous clothing.

I live in your drawers.

That polo-neck jumper looks warm,

comfy, safe.

Oh, that's a lovely-looking jumper.

But it isn't. It's the wrong size.

Oh, no! Oh, God!

The man trying it on is a fool.

Argh!

Careless. Or maybe he was just bold.

He hadn't checked the label.

Oh, it's too tight. I can't breathe!

Argh, my life has been screwed-up by an analytic roll-neck.

But he thought he could get dressed on his own...

Choking now!

..without help.

Oh, I couldn't have foreseen this, dying!

He was wrong. Don't be a show-off.

Always read the label before getting dressed.

Remember, check neck and pull.

Brought to you by the Cardigan Advisory Bureau.

Best one yet. Thank you.

Solve the small problems,

such as jumpers with necks that are too tight,

and the big problems will look after themselves.

Not my words, the words of Yasser Arafat.

Well, maybe it was Ariel Sharon that told him, I don't know,

it's very muddy, but listen, I've just realised that Colin

hasn't seen the video, so I'd better nip off and explain it to him.

Right. OK, fine. Righto, OK. Cheerio.

A quick bit of club news, members.

Rex has asked me to point out he's put up a new cork board

in the lounge and he's said, if you could try and use

the drawing pin holes that are already there,

when you're putting stuff up, it'll just help on wear and tear.

He'll be really grateful.

Hey, whoa! What are you doing to me?!

Reading out the news like that, in front of my face.

You're disrespecting me, it's unbelievable!

No, I wasn't, it wasn't news, it's just a bit of club business.

Ladies and gentlemen, members, it's Steve News, Rex's nephew.

He reads the village news!

Aw! Are you all right?

No. Yes. I don't know.

Why are you asking me this? What's wrong with you?

Want to do the village news now?

Oh, yeah, of course I do, because like, news is my life,

I want to be a newsreader,

because like, when you're from the tough streets of Wales,

like, being a newsreader is like your only escape route.

Because I'm a wilting flower

and I need the photosynthesis of current affairs.

So why don't you, look, as there's a whole load of new members here

tonight, why don't you tell them why you want to be a newsreader so much?

Because it's like the best job of all time.

Have you see the MTV Cribs with Huw Edwards on it, right?

He's got this lush house in Llanelli, right?

He's got, like, a Jacuzzi, he's got like a shark tank

and he's got all these birds and a shark tank, and they're all naked

and he's like, Huw Edwards is banging all the birds, like that.

He was so brilliant when he were doing commentary

on like the Olympic opening ceremony,

he was like, "Yeah, wasn't Trevor Nelson woefully out of his depth?"

And they were like, "Yeah, you are" as he told

quite a boring anecdote about his cousin being involved.

And he was like, "Yeah, you don't get any of that with me, do you?

"You're the best, I love the gravity of your amazing accent."

He's like, "Yeah!" And all the sharks, they're loving it,

they're like getting all turned on and like battering against the glass

of the shark tank, and he's like, "Yeah, whatever, shark!"

And then he goes in like a steam room, right?

And he's got like,

there's like a second 11 of birds in the steam room.

So he walks in, kimono on, big dragon on the back, right?

And he's like "All right?"

And I go, "Oh! You're giving us a bit of attention are you now, Huw?"

And they're taking off their dressing gowns,

like Marks Spencer, and you know, like, whatever.

So one of them sidles up to him, like,

"Is there anything you don't know about news?"

He's like, "Test me, then, test me!" And she's like, "OK,

"who's Shadow Secretary of State for Work and Pensions?"

"That's Liam Byrne. Ask me a difficult one!"

And she's like, "Oh, OK then, this will catch you out!

"Who's Shadow Secretary of State for Education?"

He's like, "Stephen Twigg!"

"Just remember I was covering the reshuffle!"

She was like, "Oh, yeah, I'm so stupid."

This other girl's like, "Oh, give me a bit of Huw Edwards!"

He's like, "Oh, come on, then."

So that one just walks off, she's gutted, right?

And she's like, "Oh, who's Speaker of the House of Commons?"

He's like, "I could go back as far as Betty Boothroyd if you want."

"Oh, yeah, yeah." So yeah, I'm watching that

and I'm skinning up at home thinking,

"That's what I want to do with my life, just what I want to do, like."

That's what I want to be, I want to be a newsreader, yeah.

Right, are you sure that was Huw Edwards?

Oh.

No, hold on.

That was Jay-Z.

LAUGHTER

Huw Edwards' house is shit.

It's just full of books.

All right, well, listen, as Steve News tonight,

would you like to read the news from a desk, like a proper newsreader?

Oh, yeah, like your desk there? Yeah, that would be amazing.

I'm just going to come and sit next to you.

What, like you're sort of Rory Cellan-Jones, the technology expert?

No, I'm just going to make sure it's all going to go OK. Fair enough.

Just check that, you know, your stories are appropriate. Yes.

Right, OK, well, are you ready?

Huw Edwards has got loads of birds under the desk, like,

and he's like...

So there's your camera. OK. All right, so are you ready? Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve News doing the Village News!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks, Chris.

Mark Leaf from town was told off by his mother for forgetting

his boot bag on the bus,

and she was angry because it was a birthday present

and they're more expensive now than they were then,

because the shop had just opened and it was a special offer.

In other news, there was great celebration in the village today

when Dinger was given a kitten after being banned for six months

from having pets, because last Bonfire Night

he strapped a frog to a firework and just fired it into a tree.

Move on, Steve.

But within a hundred yards of here,

rural peace was shattered on Saturday night, when Darren Flaps

attacked his friend Gofer for riding his bike over his tent.

The defendant spoke only to confirm that his name was Darren Flaps,

and that and that his address was a tent

when questioned by Tony the campsite manager

whilst Gofer was having his nose reset by Craig,

who plays rugby for the school, he's just done it loads of times.

All right. Hang on.

What are you doing? I'm just getting a bit of breaking news, innit?

What, are you wearing an earpiece? No.

It's just breaking news in my mind.

All right, cool. Can I do a bit of breaking news?

We've got quite a lot to get through, can we...?

Oh, come on, we've got to do it! This is news. It's happening. It's already all over Twitter,

You going to let me do the news or not?

It's breaking news, a proper scoop.

Is this next story appropriate for audience?

100%.

On my mother's life.

You don't know who your mother is, Steve.

I'm trusting you. I swear to you.

I swear to you.

OK. OK. There's your camera.

Director's having a go at me now

because he took ages to make a decision.

Cheers.

The world of education was rocked today,

because during lunchtime, my friend Tez, he proved that

he can make himself sick whenever he wants to,

and he's been suspended for wiping spew on a lollipop lady's jacket.

No, move on, move on Steve. Move on.

And he's a virgin, because his wang is tapered at the end.

That's enough, that's enough! Steve News did the village news!

Come on.

Well done, well done.

Well done, that was really good. I loved it.

That was really good, well done. I really loved it.

That was great. Listen, I'm not an emotional man,

but I just want to take this opportunity to thank you

just for letting me do the news from the desk like a proper newsreader

in front of all the members.

I just want to, I just want to thank you.

Thank you very much.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Ah, pleasure, mate. The Club and the Members believe in you.

Cheers. Thank you.

Thank you. Well done.

I'm telling my father he touched me! LAUGHTER

Right, without any further ado, I think

it's time we got our guest out. What do you think, Members?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Ready for the greatest showbiz moment this club's ever had?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Please go crazy and welcome to the Committee Meeting,

the absolutely wonderful...

Mr Chairman, could you read this out? What?!

Please, it's very important. What are you doing?

Could you read that out?

Your eye's got better. Yes, it has improved, hasn't it? Yeah.

Look at that. Not even bloodshot.

I'm like Wolverine.

LAUGHTER

"Could all members please refrain from using the hand-dryer

"in the ladies' toilet,

"as it is on the adjoining wall to the committee room

"and may spoil the greatest showbiz moment this club has ever had."

You've just done that!

Oh, better safe than sorry.

Don't worry, I'll do it again. It'll be fine, it'll be fine.

Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. OK.

Right, without any further ado, I think

it's time we got our guest out. What do you think, Members?

AUDIENCE: Yay!

Are you ready for the greatest showbiz moment this club has ever had? Yeah!

Please welcome to the Committee Meeting, Doctor Who himself ...

Mr Chairman, Mr Chairman... Fuck off! Sorry!

Colin Baker!

It's Colin Baker!

MUSIC: Theme from "Doctor Who"

Oh, my God, the bins are on fire!

Ah, it's Colin Baker, ladies and gentlemen.

That is a proper celebrity!

In Wales!

Of all places. Welcome.

An honour, Mr Chairman, an honour.

Ever get nervous in front of audiences?

Because you've been doing theatre and acting for many a year,

or are you superstitious? Because this is all very new to us.

Well, not nervous now, because this lot look very friendly,

but certainly the beginning of my career

I used to have one very strange superstition.

I decided that the first pair of knickers I ever wore on my

first night as an actor must have been lucky, because I survived it.

So I used to wear them on first nights for many years,

until they fell apart, my paisley knickers.

The only time I had difficulty is when I was doing a play

when I started off with no clothes on at all.

So I had the knickers in the bed with me.

Oh, hello. That's that sorted. Smoker, are you?

Oh. Hello. Good to meet you.

Rex, have you met Colin? Yes, yes, yes.

Well, the interesting thing is that I'm actually a friend of the family.

Are you? I used to drink with your grandfather, at his club.

Did you? Yes, I did. Em, what was your grandfather's name again?

John.

John. John Baker. JB. Good old JB.

Oh, what a man!

Oh, he was a real story-teller, a fable-monger.

Oh, we used to love him at this club.

I remember once, he, er, we'd had a couple of pints...

He told me this story because his wife, your grandmother,

what was her name again? Lottie.

Good old Lottie, yeah. Good old Lottie.

She needed some steak mince,

because she needed to make some chilli con carne

or spaghetti bolognese or something,

I don't know which one, I've tasted neither.

But she'd sent him into town to buy some steak mince,

so she'd written the word "steak mince" on a Post-it note,

and he had it in his top pocket.

Pocket!

Anyway, he was a man on a mission, so he walked right into town

and he went right up to the meat counter in the supermarket

and he said, "Some steak mince, please."

And she said, "We haven't got any, we've only got beef mince."

And he said, "Well it's steak mince I need, steak mince I'll have."

And she said, "We haven't got any. Why don't you have some beef mince?"

And he went, "But it's steak mince I need."

She said, "No, no, it's fine. It's fine."

"Buy the beef mince, because it will taste exactly the same."

And he said, "Will it?"

And she said, "It will."

And he bought it, and it did!

What a story.

Mr Chairman. Mr Chairman!

Oh! He's back.

This is Vernon, who's caretaker of the Conservative Club.

Right, what do you want, Vernon?

Well, empowered by the 1982 Social Club Act,

I am here to put to your guest, Mr Baker,

that an evening in the Conservative Club is

infinitely superior to contracting Weil's Disease in this place.

Ah, come on, the thing is, Colin,

he is constitutionally allowed to do this, so just hear him out,

he'll do a presentation and at the end of it you can choose whether

you want to stay with us in this club or go with Vernon

to the Conservative Club. So just hear him out.

Mr Baker, a short presentation to extol the virtues

of the Conservative Club.

DOCTOR WHO THEME BEGINS

# Conservative Club Conservative Club

# Conservative Club Conservative Club, Conservative

# The Conservative Club has stuff for you!

# Free Daily Mails and a petting zoo

# Olives and port, no human rights court

# Privatisation The game of Frustration

# The Conservative Club has things to see!

# A Michael Gove jigsaw for the bourgeoisie

# Nothing for free Some pot pourri

# Pay and display Longer working days

# The Conservative Club

# The Conservative Club. #

The Conservative Club.

AUDIENCE BOOS

All right Colin, you can make your choice,

it's absolutely up to you, do you want to stay in this club

or go with Vernon to the Conservative Club? It's up to you.

Well, clear off!

CHEERING

Hurray! Ah, the right decision. Well done, Colin. Well done.

Well done. I like it here!

Yeah, good. Nice class of member. Cheerio.

AUDIENCE BOOS

Right, well, we've got a little bit of time for a few questions

from the floor, from members.

I know I've got one from Moira Jenkins who's a big Doctor Who fan.

Where's Moira?

Oh, right, yes. Oh, she's gone. She's had to nip out.

Oh, right. CAR HORN BEEPS?

That's Moira, yeah.

She's in the car park? She's in the car park.

There's something very important so I've had a word with her -

I think she's going to shout her question from the car.

Ah, no problem at all. OK, Are you there Moira? Yes!

OK, are you sure you don't want to come in?

No, my car's parked on double yellows.

OK, ask your question.

All right, Colin, answer me this -

who would win in a fight between a Dalek and a Cyberman?

Hmm, well, in my day it would have been the Cybermen

because the daleks couldn't move very fast

so the Cyberman could jump on them I suppose.

Yeah, of course.

Nowadays Daleks can fly so probably they'd win.

Yeah. Which do you prefer? Well, the thing is I would have

thought that actually... Oh, my God, I'm being booked!

Thank you, Moira.

She got a parking ticket. They're like bloody vultures round here.

Oh, so sorry, poor Moira. We can't let you go without

asking you about I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here

because of course you were on that, was that good fun?

Did you genuinely enjoy that? Er, enjoy is not perhaps the right word

but I'm glad I did it. Yeah.

But it was very boring.

Was he much of a conversationalist, Eric Bristow?

Eric was a good lad, I liked Eric, yeah, we got on really well.

And I lost a bit of weight, which it can't be a bad thing.

Well, it can't be a bad thing, but I do notice, on that food point,

you didn't eat anything nasty in a Bushtucker Trial.

Not in a Bushtucker Trial,

but the food they gave us, you didn't always get nice food.

Right, well, in the spirit of eating stuff then,

right, we've got a little Bushtucker Trial for you...

Oh, no.

..because we want you to eat

some Battenberg,

but it's more a test of your acting skills -

I want you to eat it imagining that

it's a kangaroo's anus.

LAUGHTER

OK.

All right, thank you very much.

Do I have to swallow it?

Yes. It is just Battenberg, Colin.

I was in character then!

Oh, sorry, somebody's got drama GNVQ!

Right, here we go. Here we go.

Kangaroo's anus... Yes, please.

Well done, Colin.

CHEERING

Colin Baker eating Battenberg anus!

Well done, Colin, that was brilliant.

Eh, Rex, do you want a crack? Oh, yes, go on, then.

OK, here we go.

Right then, this is a...

So, it's kangaroo anus. Kangaroo anus.

Right you are, OK, off we go.

One, two, three...

Oh, no, thank you.

LAUGHTER

OK, now it's Battenberg.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I've never liked marzipan myself no, no.

Oh? And this is playing havoc with my type two diabetes, erm...

It's anus again.

Oh, very disagreeable. No, thank you.

Battenberg. Yeah, too sweet, too sweet.

Rex Jones there - Battenberg anus.

I ate all of mine.

Thanks, Colin. Well, that's pretty much all we've got time for today.

Thank you very much Colin.

APPLAUSE

And also I'd just like to give a little special thank you...

LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry. That's OK. Er, Roger, what are you doing?

I'm trying to finish the Committee Meeting.

I'm running a belly dancing class, aren't I?

which should have started two minutes ago, yes, so you're on my time now.

Yeah, well that is true. We need to crack on, OK,

because belly buttons don't dance themselves, do they, hmm?

OK? So ... That is true. That is... Get in your kit, please.

OK, well I'll just wrap up, Rog, and then we'll be with you.

No, kit. Can you kit? you're an experienced,

albeit incompetent, member of this class.

You need to be leading by example.

I'm starting to doubt you'd not want to go pro.

No, don't get me wrong, I really, I really want to be involved,

but I ... But this is level two. I know.

Level two belly dancing, which is the same as level one,

but we make the room smell of Moroccan spice.

Although I couldn't find that so it's oregano,

so tonight it will smell of pizza, but nonetheless...

All right, belly dancing time, so let's go.

No, no, I've got to finish this off. Use Colin. What?

No, no... He'll be fine. Are you trained? Well, I've got a belly.

Fine, you'll do. The outies are going to be here any minute, so quickly.

Over there please. Let's have the music on please and we'll get set up.

I'll be there now, watch. Listen, thanks very much.

Thanks to Rex for setting up the meeting.

Thanks to Steve News for doing the village news.

Thanks, thanks to Vernon.

Thanks to Mr Colin Baker.

CHEERING

And thanks you to you, the new members of the Committee Meeting.

Thanks for coming, Please come again.

And also a huge thanks for our minute-taker, Kayleigh.

Now I'd better go and get involved, otherwise I'll get into

terrible trouble with Roger, so just two secs.

Sorry Roger, I'm with you now. I'm with you.

I'm just ...

Front shimmy.

Front shimmy, I want to see those nipples tickle the carpet.

Front shimmy.

That's it, wiggle those bellies,

remember you're telling a story with your abdomen. Wiggle that belly.

Side shimmy, side shimmy to the left.

We're doing a shimmy to the right next week,

so if you hit a wall, just rotate 180 degrees.

Keep going round. That's it.

Throw an arm in the air, throw some stars.

Throw some stars. Some stars ...

Spray your Moroccan lover with armpit sweat.

Hip, punch. Hip, punch.

The opposite hip feels as if it's coming loose.

Hip, punch...