Fuzzbox Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

ALARM BEEPS

GEORGE YAWNS AND GROANS

SNIFFS

SHEETS RUSTLE

Aw, shit!

# Come on!

# Trick trick a trick trick a trick trick a trick

# Trick a trick trick a tech technology... #

-I have to explain why you've been late yet again!

-Joe, why do you...?

# ..Trick a trick

# Trick a trick trick a trick

# Trick a tech technology

# Trick trick a trick a trick

# Trick a trick trick a tech technology

# Night is the foundation

# And the wisdom is the way, you see

# You understand our funky drop

# Then you are on your way

# You see it is the truth

# The only game here to just get loose

# But you're not that funked out we produce

# Uh

# It's trick trick a trick trick a trick trick a trick

# Trick a trick trick a trick trick a tech technology. #

-Spence!

-Bear, blud, where you been?

What you been doing this weekend, though?

Nothing, mate. What about you?

Fuck all, man, fuck all, I've just been chilling.

-Yeah, same shit, different weekend.

-Same shit, different weekend.

You get me? You baguette me?

Yeah, breadbin, I do baguette you.

GEORGE BEATBOXES

Actually, Spence, I need to tell you something quite serious, mate.

-Oh, George.

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Aren't you proud of it?

-No.

-Why not?

-It's a shithole.

-It's a school for rejects.

-That's not true.

The official definition is it's a short-term placement for

children that aren't in mainstream school for a number of reasons.

Bunch of dropouts, that's what they call us.

-I really need to tell you something.

-Yeah, man.

-I was at this party...

-What have you done now?

No, one minute it was, like, all calm and then the next minute,

like, everyone was, like, getting in with each other.

I was like, "Whoa," so then there's just, like, me and this girl

-sat next to each other, so...

-So did you do her, George?

Obviously we got in with each other

and then we went off and obviously had sex

and ever since that night, I have had really itchy testicles.

I don't want to hear anything about that.

It's not funny. It's serious. They're getting sore, mate.

I can't stop itching them, just, like, constantly.

You need to go and get it checked out, mate.

-No, it's scary, though, isn't it?

-I reckon it's crabs.

-What?

-Have you ever had itchy balls?

-No.

-Not even a little bit?

-Not even a little bit.

-Not even after sex?

-No.

-Never?

-Never.

-Absolutely never?

-Not once in my entire life, mate.

I thought I'd just ask you, cos I know you've had sex quite a lot

-with loads of birds.

-That's not true, George.

-Well, that's not what I heard.

-No, people just... What's happened is

I've had sex with a couple of birds,

but I've done it lots of times with them birds

and people have been making out

it's a different bird every time when it's not.

# I wish I was a little bit taller

# I wish I was a baller

# I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her

# I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala

# I wish I was, like, six foot nine so I could get with Leoshie

# But she don't know me But, yo, she's really fine

# You know I see her all the time

# Everywhere I go and even my dreams... #

-What's up, man? Charlie, you've had a lot of girls, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-I really like this girl, yeah?

-You like a different girl every week.

Anyway, I need to ask... I want to ask her out.

-I knew this was going to come.

-But she knows me too well

-and I know her too well.

-Is it your sister, mate?

-No.

-Yeah.

-No.

-I reckon it is.

-No!

-Like, what does she like, what is she into?

-Um... Ponies.

-What?!

-What else is she into?

-I don't know what.

How do you know her that well if you don't know what she's into?

No, I just know her, like, deepest, darkest secrets, that type of thing.

-That's a bit worrying, mate.

-I don't mean it like that.

I'm trying to ask her out. What do I do?

Don't jump in straightaway. We all know what you're like, mate.

Yeah, don't come on, like, "Oh, yeah,"

and keep texting every five minutes.

-Keep it spaced out.

-Unless she texts you.

-Yeah, unless she texts you.

-So how long do I leave it?

-Just try and work out what they want.

Just don't be a dick, cos they don't like it.

# I wish I was a little bit taller

# I wish I was a baller

# I wish I had a girl who looked good I would call her

# I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala... #

-Can I have those, Aimee, please?

-No.

-Come on. Give us the scissors.

-Listen, this is your school, isn't it?

-No.

Well, it's not your school, it's collective...

Either way, you won't win this argument

cos it's not my school, so fuck it.

-It is your school.

-It's not.

Here we go, Of Mice And Men.

Let's see if we can finish this book at long last.

-I kind of liked the book, to be fair.

-Can you have a look...?

Can you take my glasses off, Charlie, please? 125.

-Why are you drawing him again?

-Cos he's a good rapper

-and he's easy to draw.

-You're always drawing him.

-He's dead, though.

-Sounds like a dick then.

-Why does he sound like a dick?

Cos if he's a rapper and he's dead, it just says a lot, doesn't it?

-How does it?

-Cos they all end up getting shot and whatever.

-You sure you don't have a boy crush on him?

-He's dead.

-How could I have a boy crush on him?

-Well, you never know.

I'm pretty sure I don't have a boy crush on him.

-Do you just want to get married?

-What, with Biggie Smalls? No.

-No, I'm pretty sure I don't.

-Like a civil partnership.

-No, no.

-You fancy Biggie Smalls.

-I'm pretty sure I don't.

-You positive?

-I'm positive.

Itchy...

balls.

Hmmm.

Itchy balls.

Burning, itchy balls. Yeah, here's something.

It's got something to do with fertility issues.

-They really burn, though, as well.

-Right, let's have a look.

It says, "My balls have been very itchy. They burn too.

"I'm not sexually active, I only masturbate. Why would my...?"

-No, that's got nothing to do with it.

-That's got nothing to do with it.

It's just people are just being stupid on it, just saying...

Stop wanking.

Yeah, stop wanking and all that.

I bet you've got posters of him in your bed

and you kiss him good night.

I don't, actually. I have a canvas of him in my house.

-And you kiss it every night good night?

-No.

-Say, "Good night, lover."

-I don't ever say that.

-Whereabouts is it in your house?

-In my front room.

Do you take it up to bed with you?

No, I just said it's in my front room.

Yeah, but at night, do you take it up to bed with you?

Do you go, "Ooh, Biggie, I love you. I want to have babies.

"Let's have adopted babies together."

Two boys can't have babies.

They can have adopted babies, you dick!

You said we were about to HAVE babies.

No, I said, "Let's have a baby, let's adopt a baby."

-Yeah, how can you have a baby?

-Cos it's called adoption.

Yeah, but that isn't having a baby, that's getting one.

-Or, like, a surrogate mum.

-Having one is when you...

-Surrogate mum.

-A what?

Do you picture you and Biggie Smalls with your adopted baby?

-What, a dead person?

-Yeah.

No, I don't dream of having a baby with some dead man.

"About six months ago,

"I had a one-night stand with a young lady I met.

"She was mostly shaved, her vagina..."

Hmmm.

"Sore blisters, et cetera.

"The next day, my left testicle started to itch." Hmm.

-I reckon it's an STD.

-Can't really find anything.

Shall I write, "Is it an STD?"

Itchy balls after sex...

Is it STD?

Is it...

..a...STD?

-Oh, no! I need to go clinic.

-Yeah.

-God's sake!

-Mm-hm.

You got to think outside the box with a girl

cos no matter what you do, girls are always right. You know, like...

You know, like, don't act like a dick

and say, like, stuff about gross things...

gross, like, poo, wee, stuff like that.

Just, if you're going to talk to a lady,

you say, "I'm going to the toilet," so you don't include

the gross words, cos they'll just think you're some gross weirdo then.

What, so I can't say, "I'm going for a poo?"

No, you just say, "I'm going to the toilet."

Then it's more polite to say you're going to the toilet

than it is, "Oh, I'm going for a poo." With a guy,

it's all right to say, "I'm going for a poo,"

cos we're guys, we all do it, but for a lady...

No, in front of the guys, you just say, "I'm going for a shit."

Yeah, stuff like that.

But, like, in a lady's point of view, they just don't like it

and they get funny about it, so you just say, "I'm going to the toilet."

-Be polite.

-Mm.

-This is looking good, Joe.

-It's shit.

-It's not shit.

-That's a shit painting.

-No, it's not. What's wrong with it?

I don't know, it doesn't look lifelike.

It doesn't matter if it doesn't look lifelike.

-I think it's really good and you should be really proud of it.

-Nah.

Well, I think it's really good. I like what you've done.

And I like the fact that it's of Biggie Smalls.

-Do you think it's worth anything?

-Um, I do.

I do think it's worth something. What do you think it's worth?

-About 50 quid.

-Yeah. I'd pay 50 quid for that.

-50 quid?!

-Definitely, yeah.

-Buy it, then.

-TEACHER LAUGHS

-I know where the money would go!

BELL RINGS

MUSIC: "Happy" by Max Sedgley

# Happy

# Make you happy, baby... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

PHONE CHIMES

# ..Happy

# Make you happy, baby. #

SEAGULLS CRY

You should put that painting on eBay and sell it.

I ain't got enough time to be watching eBay.

I'll do it, I know loads about art, I could get you more than 50 quid.

-You don't know anything.

-Yes, I do.

-I know more than you.

-Go on, what do you know?

Well, I don't want you to end up like Leonardo

-and cutting your ear off.

-Who?

You're going to end up cutting your ear off.

-I'm pretty sure I'm not.

-You are.

-I'm pretty sure I'm not.

-And then a dog's going to bite your honker off.

-Bite my what?

-Your honker off.

-That is... Nose!

I thought you meant something else! AMY LAUGHS

-No, nose.

-Why would it get to my nose?

I don't know, because you'd just be, like, insane.

So a dog would bite my nose off?

Most painters go insane and then they end up, like,

you just buy this little dog that is going to bite your honker off.

I have a 99% chance that I'm not going to buy a little dog

-that bites my nose off.

-What about that 1%?

I'll risk it.

So if she sends me two kisses,

I'll either send one kiss or three kisses.

No, just, like, send two and then, like...

Then, like, after three or four texts, maybe, send her three kisses.

If she sends three back then keep it like that, and if she don't

-then just, like, stick to two.

-I'm not sure I understand that.

-Oh, you're hard work!

-Yeah, but I don't know.

I don't ask girls out that I really know.

-I'll tell you what Charlie does.

-What's that?

-Sing to her.

-I can't sing.

-Well, you're going to have to learn, then.

That would take months, even years.

No, it wouldn't, it would take maybe, I don't know, a week.

What I could do is I could go to a recording studio, couldn't I?

Record it, get them to edit it and then...

No, you have to ACTUALLY sing to her,

so she knows you're actually singing it right there and right then.

Yeah, but it would be me singing. We could use Auto-Tune.

-Auto-Tune is not from the heart.

-Well, technically it is, because...

No, shut up, all right?!

-Spence, I'm going to go clinic.

-Good, mate, you need to go.

-Yeah, on one condition, though.

-What's that?

-You come with me.

-No, you're mad.

-You promised.

-No, I changed my mind.

-Oh, please.

-I don't want to go to the fucking clinic. No, it's...

-No, I'm not going clinic, mate.

-Why?

Because it's a trek and I don't just...

-I'll pay for your bus fare and stuff.

-Yeah, but still, I don't...

-I'll give you a rolly.

-I don't need your rollies, mate.

-I'll buy you baccy.

-No, I don't need you to buy me baccy.

-Yeah, but you promised anyway, so...

-No, I don't really want to go.

-Just come.

-No.

-Why?

-Cos it's, like, a trek, and...

-Please.

-Plus I just...

-Please, please.

-No.

-Please.

-No, you're not...

-I'd do it for you.

-Yeah, I know you would.

-I have to...

-Go on, go on.

-No.

-Please.

-No.

Please, please, please. # I need you to come with me! #

-No, seriously, just come with me.

-No, you're...

Come on, please. Please, please, please.

They're your itchy balls, it's your fucking problem,

-you can go without...

-Please, please, please, please, P-P-P-P-P...

-Just shut up, man.

-Are you coming with me, then?

-Maybe.

No, it's not maybe.

Ple-e-e-e-e-e-ease.

-Come with me.

-Are you finished yet?

-No, I'm not.

Ple-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

GEORGE INHALES

..e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ease.

Steven, sing this song. I'll start it from the beginning.

We've got to sing it together.

You might not know it, but you might.

So just sing the parts you know, OK? Ready?

TINNY MUSIC PLAYS ON MOBILE

BOTH: # All across the distance... #

THEY MUMBLE

-I don't know the next bit.

-Shut up. There's going to be trouble.

Boys, too much.

# ..Show you the one... #

MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO # Near, far, wherever you are

# I believe that the heart does go on... #

FIREWORKS BANG

-Can you ask for a man or a woman?

-I don't know, mate.

Cos I don't really want a fully grown bloke, like,

"Oh, let's check your balls, then." That's just awkward, isn't it?

-They won't grope you, they just...

-But that's just awkward.

It's awkward. You got to think of it on the bright side of these things.

Put it this way, you might get this really hot blonde Russian...

Why Russian? But still, this really hot blonde...

What if I find them really attractive and then...

-..the old willy got a bit hard?

-That's disgusting, George.

-Well, it could happen.

-In that case, then, if you don't want a hot women,

we could have a tough nut called Rick with a really deep voice.

"All right, George, drop your trousers."

-Then you go, "Yeah."

-You've just made this ten times worse now.

What about someone famous, like Frank Lampard?

You always wanted to meet him.

But not at a sexual health clinic with him pure groping my bollocks.

And he doesn't wear his nurse's uniform, he wears a Chelsea kit.

-Why?

-So people know who he is.

-What the f...?

-It's got his name on the back.

-That's just weird as fuck!

-You could make friends with him, though.

-Bollocks!

-He might give you an autograph and all.

-On my penis.

Excuse me, would you like to buy this painting?

Let's have a look at it, then.

Hmm. Well, it's interesting.

What's it actually of?

-It's Biggie Smalls.

-Biggie Smalls? I don't think I've heard of that name.

-He's a rapper.

-A rapper?

That's probably why I haven't heard of him, then.

-It's not really our style, as you can see.

-Why not?

Well, if you look around, we mostly sell boats or scenes of Dorset

-and cute little animals, not Biggie Smalls.

-Someone would buy it.

Maybe, but not in this gallery, I don't think.

Don't you ever get people come in with their kids

and want to actually buy something decent?

-Well, maybe, but...

-Well, just buy it.

-No, I won't.

-We'll do you a good deal.

-No, thank you.

It's not going to make you bankrupt, is it?

No, I don't want the chance to buy this painting, thank you very much.

-It's freaking me out, man.

-There's worse places to be right now.

GEORGE SIGHS Look at all them posters.

-Everyone's got, like, chlamydia and AIDS.

-They've not all got chlamydia.

Why have they got blue pubes?

-Cos they wasn't very good at drawing the book.

-I can see that!

Look at this one about how to put a johnny on.

-George, you need to sit back, man.

-I'm not sitting back.

-George...

-Spence, just leave me alone.

-George, you've been here for, like, a minute...

-No, I can't hack this.

-I'm going.

-Why do you want to go?

-Why do you want to go? George!

-I'm going. Bye.

George.

-George, come on, we've got to go back in there.

-No, I'm not doing it.

Look, I know you've got problems, but I've been through problems,

other kids have been through problems.

Spence, you haven't got problems. I've got itchy...really, itchy balls.

I have had problems and I've told you what my problems are.

That's different.

I know you, like, find it quite tough and everything,

but everyone finds things tough.

I mean, I find it quite tough going through the care system.

It's like, one day you're at home, the next minute, bam,

you don't know where you are, you don't know the people,

you're missing your family.

What's care got to do with my balls, Spence?

It's, like, best if you go through it and face your fears straight on

and get it over and done with.

That's the best thing you can do, man.

You've just got to be brave, George.

-Yeah, all right, Spence.

-Good man.

Go on, then.

-MAN:

-George, I see this kind of thing all day, every day.

Let's have a look at it.

-You're painting the wrong people.

-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

-You should be painting people like One Direction, Justin Bieber...

-No.

-Or The Wanted.

-No.

-Why?

-No-one wearing chinos

and quiffed hair to the side, none of that shit.

-What about Dappy?

-No.

-Bob Marley?

-No.

-George Michael?

I don't even know who that is, he just sounds old.

Is he some country singer? AMY LAUGHS

I fucking hate this painting now.

-Why do you want to be with her?

-I don't know.

-I just get this tingling feeling.

-What, like pins and needles?

Yeah, that type of thing.

How d'you know you just don't have pins and needles

-every time you're with her?

-I don't know.

It's just more than pins and needles.

How d'you even know that's what it means?

How d'you know it's just you don't like her

or you're allergic to the clothes she's wearing or something?

I don't know. It's really weird.

What are you doing later on tonight?

Nothing, just going back to the home.

Fancy popping round mine? You can have tea and play Xbox and shizz.

Yeah, that's all right, man. I'll have to ring my home first, though.

-All right, yeah, fair enough.

-Yeah, cool.

Um, thanks for coming with me today, Spence. Actually means a lot, mate.

No problem. Any time, man.

GEORGE BEATBOXES

# Oh, yeah

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Drop the bass... #

GEORGE BEATBOXES

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Oh, yeah, come on my face. #

-Oh, George...

-SPENCER LAUGHS

-What's your dream?

-What do you mean, what's my dream?

-What's your dream?

-I don't know. I don't really have any.

-Is it true that if you don't have dreams, you die?

-No.

-How d'you know?

Do you remember every single dream you've ever had?

Probably the next morning, but then I forget about them.

Do you remember what dream you had last night?

I didn't dream last night.

-Then you're still alive, ain't you?

-Oh, yeah.

-Well, then.

I didn't actually think about that sort of stuff.

Too many people forget their dreams and all that.

I'm not going to give up on my dream.

You've already given up on your dream when you threw the painting

-in the skip, you dick!

-All right, calm down! Jesus!

-Why say something so stupid?

-Don't call me a dick.

-Dick.

-You dick.

-What are you going to do about it, dick?

-Whatever.

Shut up.

You can do it, Steve, there's nothing wrong with singing.

Yeah, I know, but I don't know whether she likes me or not.

Yeah, but if she don't, you don't...

You're just trying to express your feelings for her.

You can do it, come on. Just be positive, man. Good luck.

What song are you going to sing? You should do Basshunter.

-That's quite a good song, isn't it?

-Yeah, I know, but...

Go on, man. Where's the phone? I'll ring her for you, you know.

KEYPAD BEEPS

RINGING TONE

PHONE RINGS

Right...

-TUNELESSLY:

-# You are...

# A light in the dark

# You are a beating in my heart

# That is not enough

# Will I ever be by your side?

# Your hair is dancing in the wind

# Your eyes are burning up my skin

# Now I'm so happy when I see that you are... #

BEEP

She hung up.

# Because we are your friends

# You'll never be alone again

# Well, come on

# Well, come on Well, come on

# Well, come on

# Because we are your friends

# You'll never be alone again # Well, come on... #