Going Native Comedy Feeds

In this series, we follow three foreign women who have settled

-in the UK, hoping for a fresh start...

-I'm not wearing that.

..learning our language and etiquette...

If you just shut your face a minute.

..and finding out about our traditions.

What time we be sick on plant pots?

But what these three women are about to discover

is that it is not that easy going native.

This programme contains some strong language.

Meet Natascha Leboushkin, a Russian social climber who moved to the UK

after the death of her millionaire octogenarian husband.

He left everything to his son Neblov who Natascha has since adopted.

Accustomed to the good life...

To pedicure.

..and with her stepson not receiving his inheritance until he turns 18,

one of Natascha's priorities is to find a husband who can afford her.

-Armani. Can you say Armani for Mama?

-Armani.

SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

Our next new arrival is Tallah Khosravian,

a Middle Eastern businesswoman

who was notoriously removed from the TV show Emirates Executives.

SHE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE

One day you'll be begging me for a job!

Shut your face!

With her reputation back home in tatters,

she is hoping to set up a successful business in the UK.

It is just a prototype but you get the idea.

SHE SPEAKS JAPANESE

And finally, there's Wakana Fukui, a Japanese YouTube sensation,

who has amassed over 12 million views for her weekly blogs.

Hello.

Wakana's father has recently moved to the UK on business,

bringing his precious daughter with him

and Wakana can't wait to learn all she can about her new home.

UK! UK!

-What are you doing?

-Excited to be here in the UK.

Don't run around in the middle of the road.

Because you can get killed. Do you understand?

-I give you a little present.

-I don't want a present.

Having found a place to live,

Tallah is now focused on setting up her own business.

But before getting out there and making contacts,

she is keen to learn the dos and don'ts of networking in the UK,

something Patrick M Powers,

an expert in the field, has agreed to help with.

OK, well, the first thing you need to remember is that

you need to ask the other person first what they do.

And your introduction should be short, it should be different

and you should describe what's the benefits of what you do.

OK, I show you how I do it in... OK.

Hello, my name is Tallah Khosravian, BA Honours, KLM Doctorate.

Better fasten our seat belt,

-we are about to be propelled into metropolis...

-No.

No, no. In the beginning, don't talk about yourself.

-Can I try again?

-Sure.

-OK.

Hello.

-OK, is that it?

-I wanted to leave a bit of mystery.

-OK.

So I wanted there to be a bit of mystery.

That's fine but that is too much mystery. You didn't ask my name.

-I'll do that. Shall I try again?

-Yes.

-One more time, yes?

Hello, my name is Tallah Khosravian.

I guarantee we can make a million pounds.

That's the same again.

-Hello.

-Hand.

-My name...

Hello, hand. My name is Tallah.

We are going to do... It's nice to meet you.

-Great. Fantastic.

-Great.

-What's your name?

-My name is Tallah.

-No. What's...?

-You...

-What's your...? My name is Tallah.

-Yes?

-What's yours?

-My name is Tallah.

Japanese blogger Wakana Fukui has not had time to settle in yet

but her online celebrity status

means news of her arrival has quickly spread.

Hello. Today I'm going to Radio Derby to do live interview.

Live on BBC radio.

OK, so, if you want to talk into the microphone, Wakana,

it's all over to you.

Hello!

Wakana, you don't have to shout.

-Why you shout at me?

-I'm not shouting at you.

-But you shout at me.

-I'm not.

So, if you would like to say hello to anybody in Japan.

Oh, actually, I have a shout out.

-Go on.

-I like to do shout out...

Big shout out to Wakiko, Shigeru, Uji, Miko, Maki,

Daisuke, Mishiko, Akako, Fumiko,

Hyusho, Zumi and Momoko.

Anybody else?

A big shout out to Tamayo, Kenta, Kusaki

and Misato Sabaru

and Toshi K and...

..Miko and Kobayashi and Kobayashi Junior.

Not forgetting Uji and Miko

and Maki and Momoko.

And also big shout out to John from YO! Sushi in Richmond.

Anybody else who knows you? Shall we add that as well.

Not forgetting Yuriko and Hideki and also...

-Thanks for being on BBC Radio Derby.

-Thank you very much.

I am very grateful you have me on show. Thank you very much.

-I very excited. Thank you very much for having me.

-Off she goes.

-Thank you. Very grateful you have me.

-Don't bend down. Just stand up.

It's lovely. Thank you very much indeed.

-Eh, eh, eh.

-We've got your snacks. We've got...

-What have you lost?

-Thank you very much.

-Let's go that way now.

Thank you very much for having me.

-Thank you, thanks for being on the programme.

-Thank you very much.

It's very exciting. It's very exciting.

Later, Tallah will be attending an important networking event

and Patrick is warning her about the pitfalls of overconfidence.

It's important that your positivity doesn't cloud your judgment

of where you are and how good you are and where you are going.

-How can I do this?

-Do you have anything to be negative about?

-Everything is just great.

-OK. Let me just think. It is a good question.

You know the little lemony refresher wipes that you get

when you order food in KFC.

-They did not give it to me when I ordered my food.

-OK.

That was pretty negative.

-OK.

-Last week the staplers ran out of staples and that was negative.

Those are such small things, why be negative about that?

-OK, OK.

-It is unimportant.

-OK, I got raped by a dog.

-Mm-hm.

-And then I had to get tested for rabies.

-Yeah.

-And that came out negative which is actually positive.

-Yes.

But then I see what you're saying because if it came out positive,

then that would have been negative. I see what you are saying.

I took Patrick Power advice

so I come to networking event to do good business and make contact.

Command, bubba, let's go. Yalla. Yalla.

It's really nice to meet you.

My name is Tallah Khosravian, BA Hons, KLM Doctorate.

I am number one businesswoman in Asia.

Let's fasten our seat belts because I know this interaction will

propel us into metropolis of success.

You better not suffer from vertigo because there's only one place

-we're going and that is straight to the top.

-OK.

In terms of my ability to sell, my confidence, my beauty, my modesty,

you definitely never have met someone like me before.

-I need to find Richard Branson.

-Why?

-I need to talk to him.

I don't want to be in these kind of events.

But this is a vital contact of mine, I can't just give it up,

like that, it's not what you do.

I don't want to talk the talk, I want to walk the walk.

-I just want to cut past, the riff raff.

-To do what?

-Get to the top.

I don't really want to be here with these kind of people because...

What's wrong with these people?

We're in the same boat here, we're here because we want to be a success.

The successful people would never come here.

-I mean, Richard Branson, he's not here, is he?

-No.

-Yeah.

Wakana has read that car-boot sales

are an important part of British culture

and has decided to make her first blog to her fans back home

about this traditional British pastime.

Ohhhh! Ohhh, what is this?

I just get my book, what do you call it.

-That is a lady's vagina.

-Ba-ba...?

-Vagina.

-Bagina? Ba-jina?!

-Va, va.

Vagina.

Bajina!

Which one is more popular?

"Fanny, finger pie...

"furburger, furburger.

"Hair pie".

-Hair pie? No.

-"Minge".

"Chewnack.

"Twatter. Muff.

"Beef curtain.

"Bacon sandwich.

"Piece of fraps".

"Piece of fraps. Axe-a-wound". Axe-a-wound?

"Velcro love triangle".

-In America, they use this?

-In America, they say "pussy".

-Yes.

-Ohhh. Thank you very much for interview, thank you.

See you rater, peace.

Despite not being in the country for long,

Natascha has amassed over £2,000 worth of parking tickets

and has been sentenced to one hour's community service.

Having spent most of her life married to Russian millionaires,

she's never worked a day in her life,

a fact she is not keen on changing.

Can you just sign this? They told me you need to sign this.

-OK.

-Can you just sign that?

This surely proves that you have completed the work.

No work has taken place yet.

Scott, he said he is too busy to sign,

so could you sign it for me, please?

We've got to do some cleaning first. Before it rains as well.

-I like a man with brains, nothing gets past you, does it?

-No.

So, put these gloves on.

Why don't you show me what we are doing first

-and then I will put them on.

-OK.

-Yeah? Do that first.

-OK.

As you can see,

the chemicals are already breaking into the graffiti and it is moving.

-Yeah, that's good.

-You see? Do you want to get started?

-Yes.

Did I tell you about the form?

Yeah, you showed me it. I'm not prepared to sign it

until you've completed your work. Are you not prepared to wear...

-I just wanted to see you in action first.

-OK.

I like to see men in action.

-If I can do half, then you do the rest, yeah?

-OK.

That's nice, Jack.

Did you see what I done?

Sorry, I missed that. I was thinking about new collection.

I was to thinking about which magazine I am going to buy tomorrow.

OK.

I think we should hurry up because, like, if we don't do it,

-like, you'll get in trouble.

-I'll get in trouble?

-Yeah, you'll get in trouble.

-How?

Because I have a certain way with men.

It's better if we just do it quickly now together.

-Right, you paying attention?

-Yes.

You're not wearing this, so why should I wear this?

Well, if you want I could give you a waterproof coat.

-Yeah, I'd much rather wear one of those.

-Well, I'll go and get you one.

OK.

-I don't like it.

-What's the problem?

-It's just, you know.

-I don't think it complements my figure.

-It does.

Now that Tallah, who's looking for the next big thing,

has had a crash course in networking,

she's invited budding inventors to pitch their ideas to her.

Good business is all about taking other people's ideas

and making them your own. It's all about reinvention.

The concept is power regeneration from water pipes.

As the water current goes through the pipe, it rotates the turbine.

-Then the water what?

-Flows through the piping system.

Flows through... OK. Yes?

It will generate electricity, which will be stored in battery systems.

"Stored in battery systems".

The pipes are directly below the roads so the wiring

can go straight into LED street lighting,

which would save the taxpayer a lot of money.

I think you'll find that in my company that we actually do something

-very similar.

-Mm-hm.

-It's actually a turbine inside the water

and it spins with the water at a high voltage or whatever.

And it goes through a pump system and it generates like electric stuff.

And then it goes into an LED thing

and it saves a lot of money for taxpayers.

-So actually, I have this.

-But my one is also for high-voltage systems.

Yeah, and mine has that.

Which is a UKAP system.

Yes, mine has the UKAP. It's on here.

I used to work for the company that produces UKAPs.

Yes, well, I used to also work for the company as well

but in the Middle Eastern branch.

Back on the estate, time is running out

for Natascha to complete her community service.

SHE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

One hour in, and she still hasn't done any work.

-I think I'm doing really well now.

-Yes.

-What do you think?

Yes, you are doing well.

-Are you all right?

-Can you help me put my gloves on?

You need to get new gloves on.

-These are clean inside.

-No, no, I'm not wearing those.

No, fuck that, fuck that!

-They are clean inside.

-I want some of the other ones. I'm so tired.

We'll get it done quickly. We'll get it done quickly.

Can you put my gloves on? I am too tired.

They're disposable gloves, you have to do it yourself.

-In Russia, man always help woman.

-OK.

I have two fingers stuck in one hole.

You see. Sweet now, aren't you?

What is this? I can't manoeuvre.

-It's fine.

-Put it on properly.

Jack, I can't clean like this!

I'm getting really tired.

You're doing really well, you've nearly finished.

-Put this finger in here.

-I'm so tired!

It reminds me of the time I got Vogue magazine, Elle magazine,

all at the same time and I was reading them

and trying to analyse new collections.

Let's get going. Right, come on.

Hold on to the hose.

That's it.

-That's nice, Jack, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Oh! You got me wet.

-What happened?

You know what these boots are?

Boucheron Constantine.

Hurry up, Jack. Come on, Jack.

We need to get my boots clean.

-Can you, please?

-No, I'm not doing it.

No, but please, cos I don't know how.

-You can do it yourself.

-Please.

-No.

-Can you do it, Jack?

-Scott, can you...?

-No, can't touch 'em.

Please, I am so worried about my boots. Please.

-Right, put your boot up here.

-Thank you.

# Extra special lady You're my special lady... #

Happy? Yes, this one too.

Thank you.

You are a real strong Russian man.

OK, so can we sign the form now?

-We've finished?

-Time.

-Oh, thank you, Jack!

Bring my shisha! Wonderful.

That's what I'm talking about.

It's very refreshing.

I'm really enjoying this process.

I really thrive on ideas and brainstorming, so...

Ooh!

-Ooh! Something just came to you.

-Yeah.

I can just see the light in your eyes.

I can see that entrepreneurial spirit coming out of you.

Tell me what you have. Give me what you've got.

In England, and now America,

there are laws about picking up your dog mess.

What if you had a stick with a device on the end

and a handle and you can just put it over and press the button

and it would scoop it up into a bag?

A dog mess picker-upper. I don't know...

-A dog mess picker-upper?

-Yes.

Bloody genius.

In fact, let me put a phone call in to them. Yes?

OK, because I'm not going to get sued, am I?

-It's not been done before, OK?

-There are pooper scoopers, but...

-They are just pooper-scoopers.

-They scoop it up.

This is a picker-upper.

-It's a device on the end of a handle.

-OK, shut your face a minute.

SPEAKS IN MIDDLE EASTERN LANGUAGE

..dog mess picker-upper.

Cheap scooper.

Yes, we've got a pooper-scooper which is just a shovel.

It different from a dog pooper-scooper...

CONTINUES IN OWN LANGUAGE ..dog mess picker-upper.

-Yes.

-Dog mess picker-upper.

SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Since moving to the UK,

Wakana has been hooked on the programme Booze Britain.

Despite having never been drunk,

she wants to experience first-hand

what young Brits get up to on a night out

and has enlisted the help of a group of girls from Liverpool.

-Are you ready for a night out in Liverpool?

-Oh, I very excited.

But also a little bit scared.

It'll be fine, we'll look after you.

-What it is?

-Juice.

-That's not a drink. You've got to drink it all.

-We'll do it.

-Us lot.

-Come on, let's get it down us.

-Go on.

Have you never played a drinking game?

No, I never drinking before.

-You've got to have a shot.

-The middle one.

No, no. Not the middle one.

Shall we have a sneaky pig instead?

No, that's not Liverpool.

Go, go, go, go, go!

ALL SHOUT AND CHEER

Swallow, swallow, swallow!

ALL: Yeah!

I did it, I did it!

-Yes, she did it.

-British girl, British girl.

British girl.

British girl!

CHEERING

-Dance, dance.

-One...

MUSIC PLAYS

-I'm absolutely shagged out.

-Are you enjoying yourself?

-Yes, very fun.

You're not getting tired, are you?

Oh! Taxi!

No, that's police. No!

-Taxi!

-No!

Taxi!

No, no, that's the police. No! No, that's the police,

-That's the police.

-No, but hold on. On Booze Britain,

it shows English people after fighting, drinking and sexing,

getting into the back of police car.

-It's like free transport.

-But you haven't drank that much.

Can you take me home, please? Where is the sick bag?

Oh!

-No, they're the rastas. Come on.

-Come here.

I just had to fucking chase her. I had to fucking chase her!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Hello, please, can you take me home, please?

Is there a sick bag for me to be puking?

Next time on Going Native...

Tallah gets into difficulties at the petrol station.

Please, don't arrest me.

I am a little bit scared

because you have the bat.

Put your hands down.

Natascha gets advice on how to maintain her looks.

I have a scientific technique, I sleep upside down.

And Wakana shops till she drops.

Thank you very much. Oh...