The Cariad Show Comedy Feeds

For the title sequence, we start on a mountain.

It's snowing and then there's this explosion and then a car,

a massive car,

comes through the explosion but there are no flames.

There's dancing girls and they're the flames

-and they're like dancing around the car.

-Yeah...

-So have you thought about the title?

-No, not yet.

I think everyone's basically saying it should be The Cariad Show.

I think that sounds...

Don't you think that's quite rubbish? The Cariad Show.

It's like we haven't thought of it.

I think that's what it's going to be.

OK.

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

Bonjour, bonjour. Je suis Jacques le Coq and this is parkour.

Some call it free running,

some call it free styling,

some call it leapfrogging over pillars and shit.

Laissez, laissez.

But we call it parkour.

Par-par-par-par-parkour.

Invented in the suburbs of Paris

cos we were in such a hurry to get somewhere.

I might need to go to the shops now

for some cigarettes

or a lemon.

How will I get there, uh?

This street is so cluttered.

In English, you are taught to think in straight lines but we no.

Straight lines are for gays.

In parkour, there are no barriers, uh.

Only the barriers of your mind.

This, to me, it does not exist.

Regardez-moi.

FRENCH RAP SONG PLAYS

No, no, no, Terry.

No, no, no. Just no.

Oh, sorry. I'm so clumsy.

That's why I'm not threatening.

My name's Jooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ey.

-But you can call me Joey.

-Hey.

Sorry. It's all my comics.

Oh, my God. That's a first edition Superman.

I know, I'm such a geek.

I'm even going to the film with subtitles.

Oh, um, so am I.

No way, that's so funny

cos I have no-one to go with.

I just broke up with my boyfriend so I'm really vulnerable.

Lip bite.

Oh, my God!

I just remembered rabbits exist.

Sorry. I say the dorkiest things.

I'm like a child.

But with breasts.

Are you hard yet?

GROWLS: You'll never have me.

Bye! Foot flick.

What do you mean my single's only at number one?

Well, you can't get any higher than number one. It's really good.

It's not good enough.

Grammy, heel. I'm not doing this video unless

-Grammy has a speaking part.

-Right.

Little bastard chewed my shoe earlier. No chicken for you later.

-Would you both like some lunch?

-What is wrong with you?

You know I've never eaten before.

This mouth is for one thing only - for music to come out of.

# Mu-u-sic. #

Er, you just fainted again.

I slept, not fainted.

I need eight hours and I like to spread 'em out.

Pint of bitter please, son.

-Anything else?

-Yeah, scratchings, please, mate.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-Ta.

-So, you from round here, mate, or...?

Yeah, East End all me life, born and bred.

I was here in the good old days

before it was all cyclists and poofs.

Ye...God, yeah, totally.

So, um, I bet this place has changed a bit since...

Oh, blimey, yeah.

It used to be full of music, laughter, you know?

That piano lid was never closed.

Oh, God. Sounds amazing. I wish I'd been there then.

Yeah, it was a right old laugh, yeah.

Jellied eels on the bar, you know,

everyone was white

and we was always havin' a singsong. Brilliant.

Yeah...jellied eels!

Yeah, course you'd get a few troublemakers. Yeah, you know.

-You know that bit down the end o' the bar?

-Yeah.

-One woman...

I had to smack her head on that three times, like that...

..just to get her to shut up!

Ah, you can still see the dent.

Yeah...totally, God.

Oh, you'd have loved it, son.

-Yeah, those were the days.

-God.

Here, son, I've got something for you. Come on.

Meaty jaggy.

In't she lovely, eh? Look at that.

You can get a nice slice with that.

Right through the soft palate.

You ever sliced anyone, son?

-No.

-No?! Oh, you'd love it.

Oh, yeah, slice 'em up nice.

Slice them like a pizza, you know, a slice for everyone.

Oh, yeah, we'd have a whale of a time.

We'd always be slicing, chopping,

killing 'em up nice, you know?

Chop 'em into small bits and you drop 'em in the canal

and they just dissolve like little bits of sugar.

God, it's...cool.

Oh, well, mate.

I got to get back.

Got to go home and beat the wife.

Only joking, she's dead.

I killed her. Take care, mate.

What did he say?

It was amazing.

He's like a proper cockney!

Destiny is a funny thing.

Oh, my God, it's Pat Butcher!

It's Pam St Clement! I don't play Pat Butcher any more.

I don't play Pat Butcher any more.

You spend your whole life being someone else.

And then suddenly...

You're someone else all over again.

Pat, here, behind her make-up.

Pam has a mask.

The people need hope.

Someone who can make a difference.

And they need someone to give it to them.

No matter what the cost.

With not really that much power

comes not really that much responsibility.

What's up, Pat Butcher?

Oh, piss off!

I want a horse.

Make him look like a gentleman, though.

-Top hat, tails, that sort of thing.

-A waistcoat?

He wants a waistcoat now, does he?

Well, that's a bit much, isn't it? He's very demanding.

No! I'm sorry it's too much.

I loved you once!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh.

-Rosie, go to your room.

-DOOR SLAMS

It's not my fault! I didn't ask to move here.

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Hello?

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

BANGING ON THE DOOR

SHE SCREAMS

Damn! People always freaking out when they see a ghost.

-I don't know why. I'm just a girl who dead.

-What?

Yeah, a ghost.

Alice my name, so now you know.

So quit bitchin' like a bitch with no...

-debutante's ball.

-With no what?

Sometimes I can't think of the modern equivalent.

Why are you talking like that?

I spend a lot of time with the ghost of Whitney Houston.

Get over it, girl!

Close your damn mouth before someone move in there.

Now, what you shouting about?

-I got in trouble at my new school and now I'm grounded.

-Grounded?

I was grounded once. My mama put me in a coal hole for three weeks.

I met so many rats down there,

I damn near made friends with all of them!

-I didn't want to come out.

-Great(!)

Well, thanks for stopping by, Alice.

So how long are you grounded for, sweet child?

A whole week.

-I'm missing Emily's party and now my wardrobe is haunted.

-Emily?

Emily?! She round here yesterday?

You like her?

-She's the coolest girl in my new school.

-Emily?!

She all big teeth and shiny hair

like a smoke horse you just want to slap!

Yeah, she is quite annoying.

Next time you see her, tell her you didn't want to go to her

-damn party because you knew it'd be so dull.

-That might actually work.

Damn straight it'll work.

I thought I would miss hanging out with Whitney.

-She used to take all my advice.

-Thanks, Alice.

Ah, shit, make a sister cry. Come on, get out of here.

Go to bed, motherfricker.

I do want no TV on my watch.

I will punch you in the ass if you fuck around with me!

WHISPERING

-Can you play?

-Just a bit, son.

I had an LP out in my day.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Cockney tunes for kids aged four to six who've done time. Yeah.

Play you something, shall I?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, you'd like that, would you? All right.

This one's for you, darling. This one's for you, all right.

Look at her. Lovely, sweetheart.

# I followed you home You was alone

# I hid in your shower

# I waited an hour Then you had a bath

# I gave you such a surprise

# You couldn't believe your eyes

# I was naked, so were you

# Should've changed your locks when I moved out. #

No applause?

That's not very nice.

We was always having a singsong, yeah.

Dogfight upstairs, brothel in the back.

Those were the days.

Oh, hello, Chuckles. I was saying to you, wasn't I?

We'd always have a dogfight here.

And you was saying you'd like one back, wouldn't you?

-Said the room was free.

-Yeah.

I... yeah. I was...

That sounds... Yeah.

I'll play you another, shall I? I wrote this one for me first wife.

Here we go.

# It wasn't the knife that killed her

# It was me, it was me. #

WHISPERS: She was a slag.

She fucked my brother.

I just sliced her up,

buried her and I got away with it.

I hate this room. Pass me my grenade.

EXPLOSION

Someone's going to clear that up now

-or someone's going to get shot. Right, show me my covers.

-Oh.

OK, good, good.

Uh, why am I not on the cover?

Well that's Cakes Weekly.

-You're not a cake.

-I'm whatever I say I am.

I'm a Victoria sponge. What am I?

-You're a Victoria sponge.

-Am I?

Can I eat me?

Why am I still walking?

Get me my hovercraft!

Hello! Welcome to Cocktail Sally's YouTube channel.

The name's Sally, Cocktail Sally.

I'm going to shoot you in the face.

Why am I talking like James Bond?

Because this week's Cocktail Sally's themed cocktail is the classic

James...Bond cocktail -

the Bondopolitan.

So, firstly,

add a shot...

..of vodka from Russia...

With Love.

Then paint your finger gold...

..and stir.

Then just add some diamonds.

And leave them there forever!

Put the glass in the freezer for an hour

until it is cold and dispassionate like James Bond.

Make love to it in the shower.

Add a bow tie.

And there you have it, the Bondopolitan.

Mmm.

Or should I say...M.

Remember you can e-mail me at [email protected]

and join the next week when I will be doing my hen night special,

the Penis Colada.

Until then, keep shaking!

It's just that you said you'd call me before you finished yesterday.

I know. I forgot.

I didn't promise you I'd call you.

I know but I was really worried.

And I didn't know where you were.

And I just love rainy days and bookshops.

If you could just text me next time.

SHE SIMPERS

-Are you OK?

-Yeah!

I just remembered I once Shazammed a bird singing

and it came back with..."life".

I mean, that's not true but it is true,

you know what I mean?

Oh, my cakes. I dropped them!

All I can bake is cupcakes.

I guess I'm just like a big giant ovary

just waiting for your sperm.

It's actually closing time so...

Oh, that's so sad.

I guess I'll go home

and watch Battlestar Galactica or play Call of Duty in my bikini.

Or cut myself.

Are you hard yet?

You're so pathetic. Nose wrinkle!

It was so nice to meet you!

Pour moi, the street is a baguette, uh. I am the ham.

# Mind your scratchy crust I can cut

# That's the pavement. #

The cucumber is, um,

the policeman, uh.

But who is the ham?

What side is it on? Who can you trust in the fight for the street?

# Tuna, tu-tuna, cucumber and meat. #

-Culoche!

-HE LAUGHS

Pain de merde, the East Bank Crew!

# One

# One, two

# Check me out right here, yo

# Turn the track up a little bit for me. #

HIP-HOP BEAT

CLOCK ALARM BLEEPS

Dejeuner pour...?

Mais, oui, c'est parfait!

THEY SPEAK ANIMATEDLY IN FRENCH

MUSIC: "L'Amour Conjuge" by Christian Marsac

-Parkour.

-Parkour!

-Parkour, parkour, parkour.

THEY SHRIEK AND LAUGH

HE SHOUTS

To be honest, I'm quite full.

Maybe we could just do this tomorrow, uh?

Um, si.

-Au revoir.

-Au revoir. Au revoir, alors.

-Au revoir.

-Au revoir.

-Au revoir.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd