C-Bomb Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language.

# Driving off the old cooling towers in Tinsley

# Cos when you listen to my beats

# You'll probably have to change your sheets... #

No, scrap that.

# I'm taking over Yorkshire Try to touch me, I'll scorch ya

# I'm like the surface of Venus I'm ho-ho-ho-hotter than Jesus

# I'm getting more fans than Bieber Rocking harder than David Guetta

# I can shit all over Skrillex cos you know I'm just generally better

# C-Bomb. #

What's up, people?

This is C-Bomb, godfather of the South Yorkshire dubstep scene.

You probably know me from my 2008 hit single Rektal Dysfunktion.

Now, I've been off-radar recently.

You think I've just been off spending all the cash

from the single. Well, yeah, I have. I spent it.

The money's gone.

But, no, I've actually been working on my live set. See?

Of course, the "man" would have me churn out "content"

as quick as "possible".

The last bit didn't need the air quotes.

< I'm back.

Right, well, anyway, I thought

I'd give you a sneak preview of the new track.

Now, I don't want this leaked, so keep it under your hats.

I mean, share it, by all means.

Stick it on Facebook, Twitter, whatever.

I just don't want this getting out there prematurely.

OK, so, ladies and gentlemen, this is Toxic Medicine.

SILENCE

Just...

Bastard hasn't saved it. Christ's sake.

You should see what I got from work. >

Right, people, the wait continues a few more weeks.

Bed sheets. The hospital were just going to throw them out. >

Smell them. They're virtually clean. >

The voice your hearing there is my... Sheila.

She kind of owns this whole place.

Yeah, and does the cooking and cleaning. Like I'm his mum. >

Cos I am his mum. Here, I want a word about money.

Right, cut.

That's another bloody blog ruined.

At least you've got your clothes on this time.

Sorry, love, but you're going to have to start chipping in or else

-I'm going to have to rent out your bum shelter.

-Bomb Shelter.

Whoa, you can't rent out the Bomb Shelter.

Where am I going to do my bloody web hangouts?

You can hang your web out back in here with me. Or get your own place.

-You're 25 years old, Charlie.

-So? What's your problem?

I've got three jobs.

Four, if you count working as your cook and cleaner.

Well, by that logic, that's five. It's not work.

You make it sound like you're my personal slave or summat.

-What's for tea?

-Well, I got quite a big quiche.

-I thought we'd invite Claire round.

-What, have you asked her?

No, I thought you could. What's the matter? Don't you like her?

-Yeah, I bloody like her.

-Well, it's no good telling me, is it?

You need to go round, you need to look her in the eye

and you need to say those magic words.

Claire...

-do you want to come round for your tea?

-All right.

I'll bloody do it then. I told you before though.

I can't start relationships that interfere with my music.

It might stop you interfering with yourself so much.

# C-Bomb, C-Bomb, C-Bomb, C-Bomb C-Bomb, C-Bomb, C-Bomb, C-Bomb. #

So, here we are in the Bomb Shelter,

AKA The Lab, AKA where the magic happens, AKA the...

-Charlie, who you talking to?

-Oh, I didn't see you there, Claire.

This is Claire, everyone. I'm just addressing the people.

-Are we on Skype?

-No, it could be anyone.

-Chatroulette?

No, it's not Chatroulette.

I do these videos and stick them online for my followers.

-So, like a terrorist.

-Yeah, like a cultural terrorist.

-So, how many followers have you got?

-I don't know. I lost count.

Thousands, millions.

You could probably see by just clicking on that.

Well, I'm not interested in specific numbers, Claire.

-Well, I am.

-I'd really rather you didn't. Please, don't touch it.

Do not... You've nearly broke it there.

Anyway, what's with the flatscreen on the buggy?

-Have you been on Pimp My Pram?

-No, I'm selling it.

You're selling your telly? What are you going to watch telly on?

Dexter needs braces.

He looks like a donkey in a little school uniform, bless him.

Where'll he get his knowledge of the world?

-I've got to have 100 quid by tomorrow.

-I'll pay it.

-What?

-Yeah.

-I mean, I would do, like, if I had the money.

-Oh. Well, thanks.

That's nice.

But...

-Claire, I wanted to ask you something, actually.

-Yeah, me too.

Can your mum babysit Dexter tonight? I've got a date.

Oh, well,

just ask her yourself.

I don't live with my mum, Claire. I live in Sheila's garage,

which I've converted into the Bomb Shelter, AKA The Lab...

LOUD SLAP SHE LAUGHS

All right, babe? Are we off then?

What's with t'camera?

Are you filming my girlfriend for your private collection,

you cheeky little perv?

-I'm only messing with you, love.

-This is Jordan.

-He works at the pub with me. He's really nice.

-Yeah.

She gets to see this ugly mug every day at work

and she gets it on her nights off and in t' mornings too.

You've got to feel sorry for her, haven't you, mate?

Yeah.

-I didn't quite catch your name.

-C-Bomb.

-Yeah, me and Claire went to school together.

-Oh, hey, hang on.

Is that him who does rapping, like?

Largely dubstep, actually, but I do incorporate elements of rap.

-A bloke on Twitter said I'd got a pretty sick flow.

-Go on then, mate.

Go on. Give us a freestyle. Come on, it'd be funny. Come on.

No, I need to see it in the right frame of mind to do

-something like that.

-I thought you said you had a sick flow.

-Well, I do but...

-Fucking do it.

All right.

# C-Bomb comin' at ya

# I'm doper than a badger

# Got more rhymes than Margaret Thatcher

# Thatcher, she got no rhymes

# She shut down all the mines

# Where they used to take down a little canary in a basket

# I'm spouting lyrics...

# I'm spouting prose like Terry Pratchett. #

The author.

Jordan, leave him.

Bloody damn right.

# I'm C-Bomb comin' at ya

# I AM doper than a badger

# I'm at the top of my game

# If I were bread I'd be focaccia

# You'd be a doughnut

# Lacking summat between your ears

# Oh, yeah, the Jim Henson Company phoned

# They're looking for new puppeteers... #

I'm implying you're a muppet.

# So why haven't you stepped up

# To try and fix her poor little lad's knackered teeth?

# You'd rather just sit back

# And let her lose her bloody great 42-inch plasma screen

# Bullshit

# Lucky she knows someone who's watching her back

# He's a musical legend and he's making a comeback

# I could help you, little lady

# Cos soon I'm gonna be

# Seriously making lots of money on the live scene

# Listen, little lady

# Soon I'll be raking it in so please don't sell your telly

# Sitting round your mobile phone It's not the same

# Uh, uh, uh

# Uh, uh

# Listen, well, just do one thing for me

# Let me do this for you

# I can make all your dreams come true

# Just got to push things forward to the next phase

# And I could pay for Dexter's braces

# And you and me can finally be... #

Charlie?

Hm? Yeah, I was just thinking,

if I can be of any assistance with anything...

You're all right, Dappy, she's got me looking after her now, mate.

Oh, you're paying for Dexter's braces then, are you?

It's not my kid, mate. It's not my problem.

Wow, it's good to know where you stand.

Oh, come on, babe, I'm only being truthful.

What do you think, Charlie?

-I thought it was the bloke from the Morrisons meat counter.

-Right.

Are you going to help me get this to Cash Converters?

I will not shirk from that endeavour of helping you, Claire.

I will not rest until I've got you that cash.

I swear on my mum...on Sheila's grave...

Well, obviously, she's not dead. Quite good health.

-SHEILA: Tea's ready!

-Coming.

Yeah, I know exactly which type of adapter you need to make this

work but we are closing in five minute and it's on a high shelf.

Sorry.

Don't let anyone else in, Dawn.

-All right.

-One at a time, please, people.

I'm kidding. I'm not stopping. I'm just passing through.

-You can't go that way. That's staff only.

-C-Bomb!

Have you still got that board advertising all the DJ jobs?

No, I took it down, remember?

You said it were like taking the beautiful lady of music

and whoring her out to commercial gang rape.

I did say that, didn't I?

Got to be this then.

-Seen one of these before, Jonno?

-A VX9 Smackbox?

-Smackbox Pro.

And it's yours for just 100 dollars!

What's that in pounds?

-Well, it's 1.56 on the pound at the minute.

-No, I meant pounds.

I meant English pounds. £100.

And I need that money today, ideally.

ASAP, DYKWIM?

DYKWIM?

Yeah, DYKWIM.

-Do you know what I mean?

-No.

Look, I need that money

to get my way into a certain lady's affections.

Your mum. Has she asked you for rent?

Well, yeah, she is but it's beside the point.

I could nick my mum's cash card.

I'll just say I'm having another episode.

# Some people think I'm bonkers. #

Stupid therapist.

Dizzee Rascal? I gigged with him back in '07, actually.

-Before he went mainstream, like.

-I knew about you and Dizzee.

-Yeah.

I've been following you for years. Career-wise, obviously.

Not like as a stalker.

DOOR OPENS

Hey, look, Twats-R-Us.

Now then, I'm looking for a DJ at the New Inn tonight. 200 quid.

'# I could help you, little lady. #'

We need the best DJ in town.

-So I was wondering...

-Yeah.

-..if you knew anyone to recommend.

Oh, ho-ho-ho(!)

I knew he would do that joke.

-Seriously, though, do you know anyone?

-Yeah, I'll do it.

No, mate, I think we are all right for dick-step, thanks.

We want some chart music, pop and a bit of cheese.

You want chart, go to Fearne Cotton.

You want pop, go to Londis.

You want cheese, go to...

-Londis.

-Cheshire.

-Whatever.

The point is, you book C-Bomb, you get C-Bomb.

Someone who is going to break down your preconceptions about what

music is and build up brand-new ones.

Make you feel like a new baby, freshly born,

hearing for the first time, wondering, "What is that sound?

-"How can it make me feel that way?"

-100 is £64.87.

-65 quid?

Conversation's moved on, guys. Why, have you got 65 quid?

-No.

-Conversation's moved on, mate.

200 dib-dabs, was it?

Enough to pay for Dexter's braces and keep Sheila off my back.

It's a double win.

I'm going to get a right bollocking off t'landlord

but this is going to be chuffing priceless. You're on, Arse-Bomb.

-Be there for 7:30 and bring your own PA.

-Well, I'll already be there.

-What?

-I'm his PA.

-You're not my PA, Dawn. He means speakers.

Right, I'll get the PR machine started.

Invite some industry faces.

-Jesus Christ.

-I'm not Jesus, mate.

Jesus died for our sins. I just give our sins a soundtrack.

HE BLOWS

You're such a prick.

For one night only, lock up your lower bass frequencies,

C-Bomb is back.

-Yes!

-Sweet.

I've got a gig, Claire...eh, Mum...Sheila. A bloody gig, woman.

I'm back. I'm like a dark angel raining down the fattest beats this

-side of Dronfield.

-Very nice. Does it pay?

-It does indeed.

-I am looking at two large for this.

-£2,000?

-No, 200.

-I thought large were 1,000.

-It is.

-So why did you say it?

I didn't know you knew what it meant.

I just... People say it, don't they? It sounded good.

Still, 200 quid.

I can give you some rent and help Claire out with the braces.

Sorry about Claire. She told me about this Jordan bloke.

-She won't bother with him long.

-She seemed keen to me, Charlie.

-I could hear wedding bells.

-Bell-ends more like. Guy's a dick.

You know what girls are like with the bad boys.

Yeah, they are quite drawn to us.

Anyway, love, I'd better get ready for work.

You're not going to work are you again, Mum? Mum?

How am I going to get my PA to the gig?

Yippee-ki-yay, motherf...

-Thanks, love.

-OK.

Charlie, are you the DJ?

No, I'm the bloke who restocks the condom machine.

-Yeah, I'm the DJ, yeah.

-Oh, you star. That's amazing.

That was such a nice thing to do, babe.

-Helping Charlie and his mum like that.

-What can I say, love?

I've just got a little bit of a soft spot for hopeless cases, you know.

-That's the biggest Tannoy I've ever seen.

-It's a PA, not a Tannoy.

-I'm not doing announcements.

-You are if you want to get paid.

You have to tell them when last orders is and do the meat raffle.

The thing is, I'm not an MC. I'm more of a...

Right, you lot, listen up. The turn's about to start.

OK, Charles...

-OVER PA:

-..let's lick this puppy on the balls.

LOUD BASS-HEAVY INTRO

Sheffield,

or more specifically the suburb of Gleadless, are you ready?

I said, "Are you ready?"

Then make some bloody noise!

DUBSTEP PLAYS

Yes. I'm back.

# Feel the bass hit your face

# Got subs deep as the ocean... #

I'll give you an example.

BASS RESONATES

# Feel the stitch of my garb

# This shit is satin, hand-woven

# I don't need no record contract No, I don't wear contacts

# I'm lactating swagger juice I've got it on tap

# I got it dripping off my arms off my legs

# Off my shoulders, off my head It's made a right bloody mess. #

MUSIC DIES

Whoa, whoa, what's this shite?

It's my music, isn't it? It's kind of like my life's work.

Your life's work?!

It's a wonder you haven't topped yourself, listening to that racket.

He only took t'gig to pay for Claire's son's stupid braces.

She keeps saying the little shit looks like...

-MOCKING:

-..a little donkey in a school uniform.

"Little shit"?

I'm just having a laugh, babe. You know how it is, don't you?

-I love little Fletcher.

-Dexter.

-Him as well.

Maybe Charlie should give the money to you. For your nose-job.

What nose-job? Perfect, lads, isn't it?

-CRUNCH!

-Oof!

By the way, he's got a three-inch dinger and he cries when he comes.

Turn it up, Charlie.

MUSIC RESTARTS

Hang on, mate.

If he thinks I'm paying good money for this shit, he can think again.

If you won't, allow me.

Just listen.

-DAWN:

-C-Bomb! C-Bomb! C-Bomb!

Thank you, Gleadless. Good night.

Great set, mate. Just great.

Yeah, no probs. You want summat signing? What's your name?

Kelvin Peters. Tough Temper Records.

-Your PA emailed me.

-She's not my PA.

We're putting together a dubstep tour.

This lady said you might be interested.

Oh, that'd be Dawn, my PA.

I'm going to cut straight to it.

We're going to get a load of acts, on a tour bus,

gigging all over the UK.

-You fancy it?

-Fuck off!

Well, sounds do-able.

So, what do you say?

Shit the bed! Count me the hell in.

-Can I come?

-No.

Got your money. Landlord was a bit of a dick about it so it's only half.

100 quid.

'# I could help you little lady. #'

Claire, I want you to keep that money for Dexter's braces.

Charlie, you legend.

-That's right, darling. You can kiss him goodbye.

-What?

-Are you going away?

-Yeah, I'm...

-No, I'm staying in Sheffield.

-You what?

-Yeah, I've got reasons to stay here.

-Yeah, he has.

-Yeah.

-I mean, his mum's here.

-And his fans are here.

It's... Well, it's where he lives.

Yeah, my mum and my fans and...just them, love?

So, yeah, you can shove your tour, mate.

Well, I'm gutted.

-But I understand.

-Yeah, I know.

-Listen up...

-MIC FEEDS BACK

Listen up, people.

I'd just like to say that bloke over there has just offered me

a bloody brilliant opportunity but I've turned down. Why?

Cos this is where I belong.

-MAN: What, in Gleadless?

-No... In the real world.

If things are going to happen for me,

they're going to happen for me here. Music is a wild beast. Untameable.

If you try to put her in your house of capitalism,

she'll do a shit on your money carpet.

The beat will not be held captive.

I'm stopping in Sheffield.

MIC TURNS OFF

So, you did your concert, you got paid but I still get nothing.

Yeah, Claire needed that money.

-It was a random act of orthodontic philanthropy.

-You what?

Yeah, I mean, technically she had already got the braces

but she needed the money to get her telly back from Cash Converters.

-It's the same principle.

-You and your bloody principles.

She is on her own trying to raise a little kid who,

let's be honest, is a bit special.

You have no idea how tough that is.

Well, I'm off to bed.

Got to be at work at four. Love you.

Oh. Night, Sheila.

Mum.

LOUD DUBSTEP

# C-Bomb

# Bass

# Toxic medicine

# Is the best medicine

# What you gonna do now you're all addicted?

# I'm running through your veins like I'm a kind of liquid

# Every single one of you's afflicted

# Uh, just like I predicted

# I'll blow your mind to the fourth dimension

# I'll make you hot and steamy like a traction engine

# I'll introduce strings to increase the tension... #

-STRINGS PLAY

-# That's my toxic medicine. #

-COMPUTER ERROR BEEP

-Oh, for...