Kerry Comedy Feeds

This programme contains some strong language.

-Sorry, do you know where the tube is?

-Straight up ahead, on your left.

Straight up ahead on the left.

-Right. Got it.

-Just up the road.

-Thanks.

-Is it up the road on the...?

-Left.

-Left.

-You see that White City tube station there?

-Yeah.

-It's really obvious.

Oh, yeah. It's found it. Thanks, thanks.

Oh. So it's on the... left.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Cheers. Hi, mate. Can I just get, like, a pint of...

No, I'm sorry. We're leaving. I'm sorry, we're going.

They've just been really rude to Sandra.

-Just, like, a pint of bitter.

-Danny! Danny, no!

They've just been really rude to Sandra.

I've only just got here...

I'm sorry, no, but they've been really rude to Sandra.

Get your coats on. We're going.

I'm sorry. No. We're going.

I'm sorry. No. We don't want any of those.

I'm sorry, no. They've been really rude to Sandra.

-Sorry, what's actually happened here?

-No, no, no.

I'm not having it. No!

ALL: # Happy birth... #

I'm sorry, but they were really rude to Sandra.

Come on, Sandra.

APPLAUSE

And finally the grand jury prize goes to Claire

for her utterly fabulous banoffee pie.

Congratulations. Very well done. We all absolutely loved it.

It was pretty much perfect.

Gosh. Thank you. Really... Because...

I would really appreciate any feedback

just to help me in the future. Sorry.

No, I don't think there's anything you could have done better.

It's just... Sorry. I'd like some constructive criticism.

In any area. I just really want to be a better baker. Sorry.

Well... Perhaps the base could have been a little crispier.

SHE SOBS

It's all gone to shit!

Twatty little shit!

I can't bake! I can't do anything!

Oh, the base could have been a little bit crispier!

Kill me!

Get it off me! Get it off me!

I put too much butter in the base. I did it!

I put too much butter in the base!

Why?

WHY?!

So...that's just something to bear in mind the next time.

Yeah, well, I think accounts are getting involved as well,

so we should be full steam ahead by about Wednesday with any luck.

Oh, for eff's sake.

Yeah, no, someone's taken my soya milk again.

Absolutely ridiculous. I don't know why this keeps happening,

everyone here knows I'm lactose intolerant

and I can't have any other type of milk in this fridge. And yet...

Look, there's a full carton of semi-skimmed right here

that no-one's touched. It is seriously effed up.

Soya doesn't even taste nice.

I drink it because medically I have to. But, I tell you what...

No, I can't because

then I'm the guy in the office that leaves notes everywhere.

When I find out who's done this, I'm going to have effing words, mate.

Honestly, I will. Yeah. It costs... Do you know how much it costs me?

£7.95. Almost eight quid. Yeah.

Of course it is. But it's a medical condition.

But you can't tell people this

because they just think you're "that guy".

-Don't know what I'm going to have for breakfast this week.

-All right?

Yeah, all right? One sec. All right, Claire?

-Did you have my soya milk last?

-Don't think so.

Just replace it next time, OK?

Yeah. No, it was Claire.

And the switchover can be done during the bank holiday

-meaning zero downtime across the whole company.

-Oh, music to my ears!

And with the increased savings on the toner cartridges,

they will have paid for themselves within the first six months.

-You've got yourselves a deal.

-And that is music to MY ears!

Brilliant. I'll draw up the paperwork and send out copies.

Oh! No pun intended!

-So, we're done here, aren't we?

-Just one more thing.

Is it just me or is it getting a little bit sexy in here?

Sorry?

You know, in here, us, a vibe.

A little, you know, rrrr!

Er, Phil...

Because if it is, I'm thinking maybe some drinks in town,

then all three of us back to hers.

Me and her first of course, but don't you worry.

You can go next.

I'll probably get a drink during that, catch my breath,

and then I'll come back and I'll hop on top of her

and I'll go at her hard.

And I mean really hard. While you...

I don't know, put on her underwear

and stick your finger...

Phil!

No.

No?

No, Phil.

Great. I'll get Susan to send over the paperwork. Good meeting.

Excuse me. Sorry. I'm running a bit late. Do you know where the tube is?

-It's over there.

-What, over there?

-No, look, it's just behind you.

-Oh, hang on.

I've just got reception. It's just finding it, sorry.

You really can't miss it. You see where it says "underground"...

-Oh, it's found it. There it is.

-..that's the tube.

OK, so it's just over... here.

Shit!

Welcome, friends.

Today...is a day of sadness.

But it is also a day of celebration.

For today we celebrate the life of...

No! No, I'm sorry, everyone. We're leaving.

They've just been really rude to Sandra. Get your coats.

We're not having it here.

I'm sorry, but no. They've been really rude to Sandra.

Right. Four strong boys.

You, you, you and you.

Pick him up, turn him round. We're going.

-I'm sorry, Sandra. What's actually happened?

-No!

I'm sorry, but no. They've been really rude to Sandra.

Come on, Sandra.

ALARM SOUNDS

-Another false. Always are.

-Hmm.

Premises this size should have their own patrols,

-instead of leaving it to us.

-That's what's wrong with this country.

No-one wants to take responsibility, Gary.

That's the nanny state, isn't it, Trish?

MUSIC: "Someone Like You" by Adele

-'Oh, Gary. You're so dreamy. I love you.'

-Oh, hello!

Tax disc due to expire next month.

-And there's not much tread on this offside tyre neither.

-No?

Let's have a look at this one.

'Gary, I don't care about tyres. I only care about you.'

Let's keep an eye on that. Check it out at the start of next month.

I think we both know it's going to be an expiry.

What a lot of them do is just stick "Tax in the post" on the window,

there's not a bloody thing you can do about it...

'I love it when you get passionate about tax, Gary.

'But I want you to get passionate with me.'

..insurance becomes invalid, our hands are tied, aren't they?

'Oh, Gary. I want to tie my hands around you

'and escape to the Seychelles.'

Gone to the dogs, it has.

Well, this is it.

'Whisky Tango 202, this is unit base. Confirm your position.'

Unit base, this is Trish. I love Gary.

I'm with Gary here.

-I could murder a tea. Do you want tea?

-Um, yeah. Cheers.

-Two sugars?

-Ye... Yeah.

I need you to call Berlin, get the contract sent straight over.

Pull them out of a meeting if you have to.

I shouldn't have to be telling you your job.

If they want to play hardball, I'll play hardball.

Just get it done. Bike me.

Go!

Argh! I'm going into a car. I don't know how to work this.

How do you work this? Am I moving the wheel? Jesus!

Oh, God! I don't want to die.

Yes. What can I get for you?

Double shot skinny macchiato, extra foam, please.

-Is that to drink in or to take away?

-Take away.

Double shot skinny macchiato, extra foam, takeaway.

-And what's your name?

-Phil.

Phil. Anything else, Phil? Maybe a panini?

No, thanks, but...

Is it just me? Or...

..is it getting a bit sexy in here?

Pardon me?

Here. The vibe. Come on.

You want to know my name, what I like, what I've been drinking.

You've got it bad. But don't you worry.

I'm more than happy to give it you.

-Phil...

-It's...

Here's what we're going to do.

You tell everyone there's been a power cut,

close the blinds

and then you can do me on the pastry counter.

Maybe eat a biscotti off my nipples.

I don't know, we'll see how we feel.

Now, I don't know what his deal is,

but you can tell him that he's more than welcome to join in.

Maybe he could...

And I'm thinking off the top of my head here,

but, maybe you could put on her underwear and...

..poke your fingers up my...

Er, Phil...

-No.

-No?

No, Phil.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'd like a panini, please. Panini?

-Panini, please.

-Cheese.

-What do you think? Sorry.

-Claire!

If there's anything you don't like, I can change it. Sorry.

-It's exactly what I wanted. Calm, spacious, light.

-Yes.

Ooh! I'm overwhelmed!

You're not just an interior designer, Claire, you're an artist.

Oh, gosh. Sorry. Thank you.

Honestly, if there's anything you don't like,

I can change it straightaway.

You've done everything I asked for and more. It's perfect. I love it.

If you do have any notes or criticisms... Sorry. I just...

I just want to learn and get better. Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Er...

Em...

-I guess if I had to pick one thing...

-Yes.

..with a gun to my head... This is so minor -

I probably would have located the waste bin in that corner instead.

Uh-huh.

SHE SOBS

You stupid twat!

You're shit!

SHE SHOUTS

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Red, red, red!

Actually...

I think the bin does work in that corner.

-Excuse me. Sorry, sorry. Do you know where the tube is?

-What, this tube?

Just checking it. Yeah, this tube here.

-Yeah, it's here.

-What, there?

No, no, it's behind you. That's the entrance there.

Oh! How do I get in?

Well, you just go in there.

-Oh, great. Thanks.

-It's all right.

Oh, shit!

We are a simple peace-loving people.

Our atmosphere is breathable to your species and our crops are bountiful.

Your journey has been long and arduous.

But it is over now. You may live among us...

-..as our brothers.

-No! No! We're leaving.

Put your helmets back on.

-They've just been really rude to Sandra.

-You've got to be joking.

Come on, back in the spaceship. Everyone back in the spaceship.

They've just been really rude to Sandra.

It might be another 64 million light years before we find

-anything habitable...

-No, no, I'm sorry. We're going.

They've been really rude to Sandra.

Sorry. What's actually happened, Sandra?

No! I'm not having it. Sandra, come on.

This planet's crap anyway. Come on.

Tits! Tits!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd