Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment Comedy Feeds

'Some people are given gifts on their birthdays. This guy was born with a gift on the day of his birth.

'Please put your hands together for the man who eats bees -

'Mr Nick

'He-e-e-elm!'

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

This programme contains strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I'm heavier than metal I'm heavier than steel

# I'm heavy like an elephant that's eaten a big meal

# I'm heavier than science I'm heavy like a whale

# I'm heavy like a hammer as it drives upon a nail

# Think of something heavy I'm heavier than that

# I'm heavy like a man who's lifting up a cat

# I'm heavier than thunder I'm heavier than rain

# I'm heavier than funky stuff So let me entertain

# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment

# There's so much of it that it is spilling on the pavement

# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment

# When you hear me coming, you'll be wondering where your brain went

# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment

# If you want it changing We can come to an arrangement... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

# ..It's inherently within me to do heavy entertainment

# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment

# Heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy entertainment

# Nick Helm, heavy entertainment

# It's the title of the show

# If you were wondering what the sign meant. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, cock-suckers!

AND gentlemen.

-Are you all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Louder than that. Are you all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Louder than that. Are you all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's kick it in the dick!

Welcome to Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment.

I am Nick Helm, and this is Heavy Entertainment.

This is my one-man mission to bring back entertainment,

so get ready to see the best thing you have ever seen with your eyes

and hear the best thing you have ever heard with your ears!

CHEERING

Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?

Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?

Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?

Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Fucking answer me, mate!

-Do you like jokes?

-I do, yeah.

-You're in luck, mate.

I got six of the pricks, let's do this.

Everyone's heard about my impressive sock collection -

that's my big drawer!

LOUD BANG

You're welcome!

That joke works on two levels.

First level - if I had an impressive sock collection,

people would be queuing round the block to see it.

Second level - where would I keep such a thing?

In literally a massive drawer. Don't worry,

I'll be explaining them all.

I've never been abroad.

I've always had a cock and balls.

LOUD BANG, GLASS SHATTERS

APPLAUSE

Self-explanatory, innit, though?

What d'you call an alcoholic wizard?

Merlot!

-LOUD BANGING

-Oh, my God!

I started with "merl" and worked backwards - mythical!

What do you call a choc ice with a moustache?

Magnum PI!

MACHINE-GUN FIRE

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS, MACHINE-GUN FIRE

This is happening! Someone told me that joke doesn't work.

The only way to make that joke work is to say,

what d'you call a choc ice with a stick in it?

Magnum PI. See if that works.

What do you call a choc ice with a stick in it?

Magnum PI.

Doesn't work, all right?

Mainly cos Tom Selleck never fucking walked round

with a fucking stick in 'im.

The only way to make that joke work is to say,

what d'you call a choc ice with a stick in it?

A Magnum. That is just a fact.

So, in future, keep your fucking opinions to yourself...

Mum.

What did the shepherd's wife say to the shepherd?

-You HERD! Yes!

-EXPLOSION

MUSIC: "SOS" by Abba

EXPLOSION

Works on two levels.

First level - he's a shepherd, that's what he does for a living,

he herds. Second level - you can just imagine

what a joyless fucking life he's had.

I had sex with a model the other day. A model village.

I was like a sexy Godzilla!

MUSIC PLAYS

-EXPLOSION

-And we're off!

Right, I'm on TV and I don't want to waste a moment of it,

so without further ado,

here is a list of all the people that have wronged me.

Tom Dugan, Phillip Franks, Tristan Billingswade,

Frederick Forsyth, Pete Chesterfield.

Pete Chesterfield - you said I was an idiot

and that I would never amount to anything.

Well, I've got three cars, Pete,

and I can't even drive. Who's the idiot now?

It's you, Pete, you are the idiot.

Ian Christianson, you also said I was an idiot

and I would never amount to anything.

Well, check out what I just said to Pete Chesterfield

and apply that to yourself.

You'll get a rough idea of what I would've said to you

had you been number one on the list. And finally,

Sophie Fleming. If you're out there,

I hope that every day is filled with a trudging regret

as you look at what you left behind

and see what you ended up with,

and that not a moment goes by

that you're either kicking yourself

or at least thinking about kicking yourself

because you are so frustrated with what you had

and let slip through your fingers.

And when I say kicking yourself, I don't mean metaphorically.

I mean actually kicking yourself, hard in the leg,

or maybe you can lean over and you can kick yourself in the arm.

Anyway, kicking yourself

because of what you let slip through your fingers, this is all for you.

You're very friendly, aren't you?

-What's your name?

-Piers.

Piers, Piers, Piers... Have you got piercings?

-I haven't.

-I mean, that is the best I could come up with, but...

You've got to allow it. I'm under considerable pressure, all right?

Yeah, yeah.

-What's your name?

-David.

-Yeah, get out the way, David.

Right, I'm going to do a little poem for you.

Smile a smile

As big as your face...

He's doing it.

Smile a smile all over the place

A smile is a gift That you give out to others

From fathers and sisters To mothers and brothers

From strangers and rangers And teachers and friends

From ear to ear Turning up at the ends

Smile out in public Or smile all alone

But if you smile alone in public

People WILL think you're mental.

You're not mental, are you, Piers?

-I'm not, no.

-I'm going to let you live.

So, Piers, what is your favourite soft drink?

-7UP.

-Whoa, just like that!

Straight out - 7UP. Why 7UP? Why not Sprite?

7UP seems more authentic.

LAUGHTER

How so, Piers?

It feels like they really care about the lemonade-y taste,

whereas Sprite seems like they're just pumping it out,

they're just pumping it out to people who'll just drink anything.

I mean, I've just got, like, a blanket understanding of everything,

but you've specialised, so...

No, that's really... That's really good.

Thanks.

Fanta.

Mine's Fanta, Piers.

That's how you do it, innit?

I ask you a question and then you ask me a question back

and then soon enough we become friends!

But it's all you, you, you, you, isn't it, Piers?

I've only known you two minutes

and half that time you're going on about your fucking 7UP addiction.

LAUGHTER

Still, you got nice eyes.

This is a special joke just for you.

I had sex with a model the other day...

This guy!

You're very welcome.

Right, on with the entertainment.

What would a show like this be

without some cutting-edge sketch humour? Nothing!

Nothing without sketch humour.

Everyone says, "You can't write sketch humour, Nick.

"You're not a sketch man." Fuck all of you, right,

cos I have written a fucking sketch and it's fucking amazing.

Hold that a minute.

Do you know what? It's actually more difficult getting dressed

when there's 250 people watching you

than at first you would imagine.

HE LAUGHS FALSELY

So, I said to the guy,

"If you keep pulling on it like that, it's going to fall off."

So what happened?

It fell off. Ohh.

Oh, my word, you are so funny.

And I should know - after all,

I am a highly respected brain doctor and bikini model.

What the FORK!

HE SIGHS

Oh, you are so strong and powerful, Nick,

and I don't know how any girl could resist you.

Who says they can?

What the KNIFE?

Oh, waiter!

Can we get a bottle of the Chardonnay '62, please?

Certainly, sir. And may I say

what a remarkably handsome young man you are.

Thank you very much.

-I'll be right back with that wine.

-WAY TO go.

Wh-What are you doing here?

Nick, I've come to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for leaving you and thinking that

I could do better elsewhere - forward slash - cheating on you.

I want us to be together and for our souls to entwine once more

and for us to grow old together

and to produce babies as a manifestation of our undying love.

And you were right about Sliding Doors, it IS a terrible film.

I mean, what were they thinking,

casting John Hannah as a plausible romantic lead?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Why have you come back?

I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm trying to rebuild it.

-It's a bit late now, isn't it?

-Yeah.

You'd better just leave.

Take care of him.

I'm so sorry. I guess I'm not completely over her.

I don't want to waste your time. I'm sorry, you'd better just go.

Curse you for always being right.

Your wine, sir.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... What's all this tears?

They both left.

I don't know how anybody could leave you, Nick.

I've only just met you, but I can honestly say

you are the greatest man that's ever walked this earth.

Look at you,

you glorious hero.

This may be a little forward, Nick,

but would you consider being godfather to my unborn child?

What the SPOON?

See, that's great, right?

Well, I can fucking do it. I wrote that!

I wrote that all by myself.

I wrote that.

So, yeah, I met a girl once, actually,

whose favourite films were Sliding Doors and Armageddon.

I just thought, "You'd better have only seen two fucking films!"

Here, just hold that for a second, thanks.

Right, so, um...

AUDIENCE GROANS THEN APPLAUDS

Yes, I'm going to do...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I'm going to do a little poem for you.

Should be another fucking sound cue, shouldn't there?

MUSIC: "Adagio For Strings, Op 11" by Samuel Barber

This is called Please Don't Go.

Please don't go

Please don't go

If you go, I can't go on

I won't go on

I'll never make it through the night without you

Please don't go

Please don't go

We've been together too long to throw all this away

Eight years

It was just beginning to get good

If you leave me

I will never, ever get over you

No-one will ever replace you

No-one will ever replace you for ages

For ages and ages

For months even

I will literally not be able to replace you for months

Don't go

If you go I will gradually get over you

And end up with someone else

If you leave me, I will KILL MYSELF

I probably won't kill myself

But I will certainly feel pretty shit about it for a while

I will put on weight

Or I will lose some weight

One or the other

Or maybe I'll maintain my current weight

Maybe that's how I'll deal with it this time

By just maintaining my current weight

I don't know what I'll do if you leave me

Please don't go

I'll do anything you want

I will fill your bed with red roses

Or rub the antiseptic cream on your back

From all the thorn scratches you get when you get home late

And fail to notice all the red roses in your bed

I will go out on Fridays

I will stay in on Saturdays

I will stay in on Sundays

I'll go out for a bit on Mondays

Tuesday and Wednesdays vary

Thursdays is mine, I thank you

I'll watch Sliding Doors with you I saw it the other day

And it wasn't as bad as I remembered

Once you get over John Hannah's eyebrows

And that Spanish Inquisition sketch halfway through

What the fuck were they thinking?!

I'll try harder to remember your friends' names

Even the ones I haven't met Or you don't talk to any more

Like Wendy

I can't believe she got an abortion without telling Darren

How the hell must've he felt about all that?

I can literally only imagine

I don't even know what their faces look like

I will keep my stuff in a very specific, isolated area of the house

Somewhere between the bedroom door and the bed

Somewhere specifically out of sight and tucked away

Say, in a bedside drawer

That is the perfect place for all my stuff

I will love all of your new haircuts

Or at least give the impression I love them

I'm sorry I screamed when I saw your new haircut

It looks really good

I just thought at first a stranger was invading our home

I will listen to all of your problems

And never try and solve them

I will love you as much or as little as the situation requires

I will not overreact when you tell me how many people you slept with

Even though that number keeps increasing despite the fact

That we've been going out with each other for eight years

I am surrounded

I am wrong

You are right

I am beaten

I am unarmed

I am defenceless

You have won

Please don't go.

APPLAUSE

Well...

I came here today

and I looked at that

and I shat myself.

And today's been a fucking nightmare,

so I guess the real lesson is, Piers,

just be careful what you wish for, innit?

I think that's what we're here for, just to learn, innit?

Today, that's what I'm here for. That's not what you're here for.

You're here for a bit of fucking...bit of fun, innit?

People say to me, "Why don't you just shave your back, Nick?"

LAUGHTER

So, I was meant to do some props at the...

You'll fit right in.

LAUGHTER

Checking out my bootie, that was another...

HE MUMBLES

-HORN TOOTS

-That's just funny, innit?

Helm is other people.

It's a pun...

..on hell is other people.

Came up with the title, they built the sign, it's in the show.

The idea would be if it went to series, um, I would do...

If it went to series, I'd do an impression every week, um,

but I only know two impressions, one of them is Cary Grant

and the other one is Tony Curtis doing an impression of Cary Grant.

And no-one that watches BBC Three

even knows who the fuck Cary Grant is,

and maybe that's what's wrong with the world!

Look at you just sitting there! You're not even watching

because you're too busy tweeting! You're a fucking disgrace!

You've got the remote control in one hand and your cock in the other!

What's the point in any of this?

I mean, even this... I mean, you go, yeah, that's good.

I mean, it's slightly off centre, innit?

Still, not bad for a first attempt.

I mean, all I wanted to do was the best show

that anyone had ever seen. That's all I wanted to do,

just do the best show ever, and I couldn't even get that right!

I had sex with a model the other day, this guy!

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

-IMITATES EXPLOSION

-This guy.

Pull yourself together, Piers.

Do you think we can save the show?

I think YOU can save the show.

All right, I think WE can.

# Every time I look into your face

# Takes me high above To another place

# Up above the birds and clouds and bees

# Up above the butterflies and fleas

# You make me feel like I can touch the moon

# Rising like a helium balloon

# Shining brighter than a shining star

# Speeding faster than a speeding car

# I'm swelling up above into the sky

# You help me spread my wings and learn to fly

# Never knew a love like this before

# You make me soar

# Down below I see the fields

# As I'm flying high above

# On the love you make me feel

# You make me soar

# You make me weep with pure desire

# I'm so tender to your touch

# Spread my wings and I take flight

# Now I'm all alone because you've gone

# Something deep within me feels all wrong

# I was unprotected to your touch

# Didn't think I'd feel your touch so much

# Now you've gone I've crashed back to the floor

# I've been feeling delicate and raw

# Never, ever felt this way before

# You make me soar!

# On my manhood I do swear

# When I'm flying high with you

# You can take me anywhere

# You make me soar

# Deep inside I hold you close

# All the glory of our love

# Is the thing that I feel most

# You make me soar

# Like an eagle or a seagull

# You make me soar

# You make me, you make me

# You make me, you make me

# You make me soar You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me, you make me You make me, you make me

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You make me soar

# You're the wind beneath my wings... #

Now, Piers!

GONG CRASHES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear it for Piers!

I've been Nick Helm. Thank you very much, good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd