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Bamboo

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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

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Why did we want to set up our own super-club?

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Why did WE want to set up our own super-club?

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Why DID we want to set up our own super-club?

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-Because we WANTED to set up our own super-club.

-Exactly!

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You know, I mean, most people, they go to work during the week

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and it's only during the weekends

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they can let their hair down and party.

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What if your hair was always down

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and you were always party...ing?

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I don't actually let my hair down or grow it long.

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Why would I hide this face?

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Although you did let it down that one time.

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-I did, didn't I?

-Yeah, and you looked great.

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Thanks, man. You'd look good with your hair down.

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-Really?

-Yeah, you would.

-Thank you.

-No worries.

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Guys, I run the classified ads section.

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When you called about putting a piece in the paper,

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I thought you meant an advert,

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which you're going to have to pay for.

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-How much are they?

-50p a word.

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-How big are the boxes the words go in?

-That's extra.

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-What about a photo of us?

-No.

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-Really?

-No.

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OK, you've got yourself a deal, we'll place an ad!

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I assume you accept cash.

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Probably need some more, actually.

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Yeah, yeah, I'll add this up.

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-You do it.

-50...50p.

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50p?

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What about, "Bamboo-superclub-is-open-tomorrow?"

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That was a lot of words you just said together quickly

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to make it sound like one word.

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Yes, that is true, that is what I just did.

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We've only got enough for one word

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and I think I know what that word should be.

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You know it!

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-Party!

-Bamboo!

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-Bamboo.

-Right, yes, Bamboo.

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That's better.

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MUSIC: "Hey You" by The Rocksteady Crew

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Right, which one of these says luxury mega-club more?

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-What are they?

-Toilet roll holder things.

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Which one's easier to do coke off?

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Done.

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Oh, snap, look who decided to crash the party!

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Who is that guy? He like-a de pies!

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-That's Buddha, mate.

-Oh, yeah, Buddha!

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Buddha, Buddha, Buddha! Who is Buddha?

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He's the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

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Top mind work, D-Bone!

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You see that is why you are the brains and I am...

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..Scott.

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Guys, can we get him in the corner, please?

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MUSIC: "Thrift Shop (feat Wanz)" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

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SHE MOUTHS

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Dan!

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Kate. Wow, er...hi.

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-I thought you were travelling.

-Yeah, I was.

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You know, India, Korea, Vietnam, ha!

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Switzerland, the whole gang.

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But, you know, some people go travelling and they come back

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and they're like, "Yeah, it changed me, blah-blah-blah,"

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and it's like, "Yeah, whatever! You and everyone else!"

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Yeah, tell me about it.

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Although it did ACTUALLY change me.

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Wow. Sounds intense, mate.

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Yeah. Look, I'm here about the bar job.

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I know it's a bit late.

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I was kind of hoping that you might need

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an extra pair of hands tomorrow.

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My veggie shake stall is early phases and I just...

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-Quick word in the office please, mate.

-Oh, right.

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We're not hiring Kate.

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We're fully staffed, innit!

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Dude, it's fine, just fire Kev!

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Really?

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Or someone else that can't hear me.

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Scott, I know she dissed you back at school,

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but that was a long time ago.

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This isn't about me!

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You've been horny for that girl since we were in short trousers,

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but we've got a job to do, amigo!

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Look, back when she knew me

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I was just another bender with a PlayStation 2.

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-No, I...

-Now I have my own super-club

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and a PlayStation 3.

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-And Evita.

-When?

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-Last week.

-Nice!

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I'm just saying, amigo, be careful of this.

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The heart's higher up than that.

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Yeah, I know.

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-Still nowhere near the heart.

-Just be careful of this.

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I've got some really bad news.

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The job's yours!

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Oh, God. DJ Crumbs is playing here?

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Yeah. Awesome, right?

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I can't escape him, can I?!

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Oh, we broke up a few months ago

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after he fucked Kate!

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But you're Kate?

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-Oh, a different Kate!

-Come here, Kate!

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Stop saying her name!

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But Kate's your name. It's confusing!

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Sorry, come here.

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SHE SOBS

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INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC

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HE MIMES

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-Let's get drunk!

-Yeah.

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MUSIC: "Memeo" by Delphic

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-I know!

-HE MOCK RETCHES

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Wish I hadn't had those beers!

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Pussy was out last night.

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I know. It was puss-mania!

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-Hi, Mrs T.

-Don't mind me, dudes.

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You can say "pussy" all you like, that's cool.

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Your dad would have had a problem with it but, phh, I don't.

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Now he's not around you can say pussy or punani, flange.

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-Mum!

-Gash?

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Jesus, Mum, no-one says that anymore!

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How's opening night going? Have we got a date yet?

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-Yeah, it's actually looking like...

-We're playing with some dates, yeah.

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DJ Crumbs' availability and whatnot, etc, etc.

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But this, this flyer has a date!

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Dad got engaged!

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What? To...?

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To the...?

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Yeah.

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They're bigger than that actually, they're sort of...

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But, yeah, so you might not feel up to it.

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How are those eggs going?

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Right! Yeah, let's get those eggs on, bitches!

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Guys, tonight's going to be intense,

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so if ever you feel nervous,

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or afraid, or confused,

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or hungry, or weird,

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just look over at my face and know that everything's going to be OK.

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We're all in this together.

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You have a say in this and you have a voice.

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You have a voice!

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Guys, you haven't told us where the glasses are.

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Shut up, I'm talking!

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You're putting me off.

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Just don't spill the drinks, OK?

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HE APPLAUDS HIMSELF

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It's happening, isn't it?

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We said we'd do it and we're doing it.

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-Yeah.

-Once upon a time, we said,

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"Let's open our own super-club," and what's happening tonight?

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-BOTH:

-We're opening our own super-club!

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Exactly. I mean, that's what we said we'd do and now it's like,

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-"Oh, my God, it's really happening!"

-It's actually happening.

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It's something that's happening

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that we said should happen a while ago

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-and now it's really happening.

-Yeah.

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I mean, it's really happening, isn't it? Once upon a time...

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Guys?

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I'm really worried about the glasses.

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Why can you never ask me anything useful, Kev?

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Like, "What do you use in your hair?"

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or, "Which famous people have you met?"

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-DJ Crumbs in the house!

-Hey, hey, I thought you were setting up later?

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-You all right, Kate?

-Don't use her name in front of me, you pig!

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-But that's your name too!

-It is confusing.

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Dan, I'm sorry, I can't be here. This was a mistake.

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No, it wasn't! Listen, babe, I want you to stay.

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Ever since you first started working for us

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this afternoon it's been wicked.

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I've had a really nice time.

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Hey, Mr DJ, I heard what you did to my friend here and it stinks

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so, you know, we don't need you!

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Get out of here and take your popular, bullshit,

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everyone-wants-to-dance-to-this music, you big, scary dick.

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HE LAUGHS

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Mate, what have you done?

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Scott, don't take it out on him, he was just sticking up for me.

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Shut up! This is a conversation between two men,

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-not two men and a massive bitch!

-Don't talk to her like that!

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Oh, what, you going to throw me out now too?

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Don't talk crazy talk, we'll be fine, we don't need him!

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Bamboo is strong, it will never break.

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Tonight's going to be the greatest night Greater London's ever seen!

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TECHNO MUSIC

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Dan, I'm going to lay the eggs for you Gangnam Style, we're bunghole!

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DJ Crumbs just tweeted all his fans telling them

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to boycott Bamboo, that's why it's 11 o'clock and this place is dead!

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I messed up! Hit me!

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Hit me now!

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-Sorry, are you OK?

-I deserved that.

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But I think I know how to make it right.

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How do you find the piece of bread that will save Bamboo?

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-Follow the cr...

-Buy more bread!

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-Follow the crumbs!

-Follow the crumbs!

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DJ Crumbs! We've gotta get him back, basically.

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HE KNOCKS ON WINDOW

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Ah-hoo, ha-ha-ha! Sweet limousine ride!

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Thanks for letting us see you.

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See you're smoking a ganja spliff. Is it hydroponics shit or..?

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I dunno.

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Sweet. So anyway, my man here dropped a stinky one.

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-What?

-He means I messed up.

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But here's the thing, Crumbs, I did it for love.

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Yeah, you've got a heart, Crumbs. I mean, the way you spin those decks

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you've gotta know there's a heart beating under there.

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Look, I was just trying to show off in front of Kate,

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but we need you back. We'll do anything to get you back.

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And tweet your fans saying,

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"Hey, guys, come to Bamboo, please, immediately," or something.

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Would you blow each other?

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-I wouldn't be happy...

-There would have to be some ground rules.

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Yeah, well, no looking at each other, obviously.

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Right. No spitting or tugging.

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Of course. And you can go first.

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-Oh, good.

-That's not good.

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-Get it out the way!

-Whatever, just nothing in the face.

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-Only in the mouth.

-Not in the mouth either!

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-Are you sure?

-Yes!

-OK, fine.

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Guys, guys, I'm joking, yeah?

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Look, just pay me twice as much and I'll fill your club, all right?

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THEY FORCE LAUGHTER

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-He was joking! He got you!

-No, he got you too!

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Classic!

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Classic Crumbs.

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MUSIC: "Shake Senora" by Pitbull feat. T-Pain and Sean Paul

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Hey, Mrs T, you made it!

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Wouldn't have missed it, dude.

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Can't say I'm not a little upset.

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It's not easy being left by the only man you've ever loved.

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But that's cool, because I love to party!

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-SHE SOBS

-I just love to party!

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Who are you?

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I'm Howard.

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Who hired you?

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Dan hired me.

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Oh, that is SO Dan!

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Classy, isn't it, having a guy in the toilets?

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I'm Scott, co-owner of the hottest party in town.

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So how did you end up here?

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I used to drive cabs in town,

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but when my licence was taken away...

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Question. Since I already pay you, do I need to tip you?

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-It's up to you.

-OK.

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So listen, I'm not going to tip you, Howard,

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because there is a proud look in your eyes

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that tells me you don't want that.

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Actually, I wouldn't mind.

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I will tell you this, old friend...

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..I respect the hell out of you.

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You haven't even washed your hands!

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Yeah, but, you know, my cock's been in my trousers all day,

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protected from germs and dirt.

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I haven't pissed on my hands cos I'm not a little boy any more.

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In fact, my hands are probably dirtier than my cock,

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so you'd be better off shaking my cock than you would shaking my hand!

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I don't want to do that, Scott.

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Yeah, well I'm not asking you to, Howard, I'm just making a point.

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Amigo, what do you think of this? I call it a Mango Crazy...

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HE PUTS ON JAMAICAN ACCENT ..cos it'll make a man go crazy!

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Has it got mango in it?

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No. Shit, that's actually a much better idea.

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Kev, Jesus, put some fucking mango in it, yeah?!

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Have you seen Kate? I'm going to tell her how I feel

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and that we're going to make a life together.

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'Fraid not, Dansky, but look, look at this place!

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I mean, sure, it's 2.45 and we've only got 15 minutes to go...

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HIS VOICE FADES OUT UNDER MUSIC ..but we made it happen, mate!

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MUSIC: "Don't Let The Dreamers Take You Away" by Delphic

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But he fucked around on Kate with Kate and now he's kissing Kate!

0:15:100:15:14

-I don't understand!

-I'm sorry, mate.

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Come on, let's make this a night we can't remember

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because we were so off our beautiful faces.

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This is just mango.

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MUSIC RESUMES

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Last passenger's just left the party train.

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Destination - Hangoversville.

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HE LAUGHS

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Mate, I'm sorry about Kate.

0:16:240:16:28

We'll sling that dirty slapper out on her fat arse tomorrow.

0:16:280:16:32

We're not firing her, Scott.

0:16:320:16:34

If she wants a job, she's got one here.

0:16:340:16:38

All right, you big softie!

0:16:390:16:41

Look after that vagina of yours, milady!

0:16:420:16:45

THEY LAUGH

0:16:450:16:47

I tell you what we need...

0:16:470:16:49

-coke and pills.

-Some sleep.

0:16:490:16:51

I'm actually fine for coke and pills.

0:16:510:16:53

How about a nice King Kong fuck-off brunch?

0:16:550:16:58

See you there!

0:16:580:17:00

Sure.

0:17:000:17:01

Mate, we did it.

0:17:070:17:09

We just opened our very own super-club.

0:17:090:17:13

-We did, didn't we?

-We actually did it.

0:17:130:17:16

We said we wanted to do it and we ended up doing it.

0:17:160:17:20

This evening, that's what we actually did.

0:17:200:17:23

-I love you, man.

-Me too.

0:17:250:17:27

Welcome to the big time, Mr Big Balls.

0:17:270:17:30

Mate, we did it. We...

0:17:360:17:38

I know! I'll see you there!

0:17:380:17:40

Fucking hell!

0:17:460:17:48

-I thought he'd never leave!

-I can't believe that just happened.

0:17:480:17:51

-He can't find out.

-God, no! And he won't!

0:17:510:17:54

Look, you were upset, I was upset, it was just a little BJ.

0:17:540:17:58

-It's all good...

-Please don't say that.

0:17:580:18:00

-..and this will never happen again.

-Yeah.

0:18:000:18:02

Just go and have a nice breakfast with Scottie!

0:18:020:18:05

Thanks, Mrs T.

0:18:060:18:07

My main hombre!

0:18:200:18:22

Come for a cheeky carb-fest en route,

0:18:220:18:24

so let's discuss Bamboo, AKA the future of Bamboo.

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You're my best mate, Scott.

0:18:290:18:30

Back at you, Commander.

0:18:300:18:33

So I'm thinking a regular ladies' night is a must.

0:18:330:18:36

Us plus lady-girls equals Scott, smiley face!

0:18:360:18:39

I'd never do anything to hurt you.

0:18:390:18:41

Good.

0:18:410:18:43

Then there's gay night, exactly what it says on the tin, mate.

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You know, gays, Pet Shop Boys, PlayStation 3, most probably.

0:18:480:18:52

This is going to happen.

0:18:520:18:54

Load up on the extra, a good time's had by all!

0:18:540:18:57

Then there's under-18s night, a different kettle of fish.

0:18:570:19:01

The important thing to remember is that if they're 16,

0:19:010:19:04

legally, we can still...

0:19:040:19:06

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