Bamboo Comedy Feeds

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Why did we want to set up our own super-club?

Why did WE want to set up our own super-club?

Why DID we want to set up our own super-club?

-Because we WANTED to set up our own super-club.

-Exactly!

You know, I mean, most people, they go to work during the week

and it's only during the weekends

they can let their hair down and party.

What if your hair was always down

and you were always party...ing?

I don't actually let my hair down or grow it long.

Why would I hide this face?

Although you did let it down that one time.

-I did, didn't I?

-Yeah, and you looked great.

Thanks, man. You'd look good with your hair down.

-Really?

-Yeah, you would.

-Thank you.

-No worries.

Guys, I run the classified ads section.

When you called about putting a piece in the paper,

I thought you meant an advert,

which you're going to have to pay for.

-How much are they?

-50p a word.

-How big are the boxes the words go in?

-That's extra.

-What about a photo of us?

-No.

-Really?

-No.

OK, you've got yourself a deal, we'll place an ad!

I assume you accept cash.

Probably need some more, actually.

Yeah, yeah, I'll add this up.

-You do it.

-50...50p.

50p?

What about, "Bamboo-superclub-is-open-tomorrow?"

That was a lot of words you just said together quickly

to make it sound like one word.

Yes, that is true, that is what I just did.

We've only got enough for one word

and I think I know what that word should be.

You know it!

-Party!

-Bamboo!

-Bamboo.

-Right, yes, Bamboo.

That's better.

MUSIC: "Hey You" by The Rocksteady Crew

Right, which one of these says luxury mega-club more?

-What are they?

-Toilet roll holder things.

Which one's easier to do coke off?

Done.

Oh, snap, look who decided to crash the party!

Who is that guy? He like-a de pies!

-That's Buddha, mate.

-Oh, yeah, Buddha!

Buddha, Buddha, Buddha! Who is Buddha?

He's the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

Top mind work, D-Bone!

You see that is why you are the brains and I am...

..Scott.

Guys, can we get him in the corner, please?

MUSIC: "Thrift Shop (feat Wanz)" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

SHE MOUTHS

Dan!

Kate. Wow, er...hi.

-I thought you were travelling.

-Yeah, I was.

You know, India, Korea, Vietnam, ha!

Switzerland, the whole gang.

But, you know, some people go travelling and they come back

and they're like, "Yeah, it changed me, blah-blah-blah,"

and it's like, "Yeah, whatever! You and everyone else!"

Yeah, tell me about it.

Although it did ACTUALLY change me.

Wow. Sounds intense, mate.

Yeah. Look, I'm here about the bar job.

I know it's a bit late.

I was kind of hoping that you might need

an extra pair of hands tomorrow.

My veggie shake stall is early phases and I just...

-Quick word in the office please, mate.

-Oh, right.

We're not hiring Kate.

We're fully staffed, innit!

Dude, it's fine, just fire Kev!

Really?

Or someone else that can't hear me.

Scott, I know she dissed you back at school,

but that was a long time ago.

This isn't about me!

You've been horny for that girl since we were in short trousers,

but we've got a job to do, amigo!

Look, back when she knew me

I was just another bender with a PlayStation 2.

-No, I...

-Now I have my own super-club

and a PlayStation 3.

-And Evita.

-When?

-Last week.

-Nice!

I'm just saying, amigo, be careful of this.

The heart's higher up than that.

Yeah, I know.

-Still nowhere near the heart.

-Just be careful of this.

I've got some really bad news.

The job's yours!

Oh, God. DJ Crumbs is playing here?

Yeah. Awesome, right?

I can't escape him, can I?!

Oh, we broke up a few months ago

after he fucked Kate!

But you're Kate?

-Oh, a different Kate!

-Come here, Kate!

Stop saying her name!

But Kate's your name. It's confusing!

Sorry, come here.

SHE SOBS

INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC

HE MIMES

-Let's get drunk!

-Yeah.

MUSIC: "Memeo" by Delphic

-I know!

-HE MOCK RETCHES

Wish I hadn't had those beers!

Pussy was out last night.

I know. It was puss-mania!

-Hi, Mrs T.

-Don't mind me, dudes.

You can say "pussy" all you like, that's cool.

Your dad would have had a problem with it but, phh, I don't.

Now he's not around you can say pussy or punani, flange.

-Mum!

-Gash?

Jesus, Mum, no-one says that anymore!

How's opening night going? Have we got a date yet?

-Yeah, it's actually looking like...

-We're playing with some dates, yeah.

DJ Crumbs' availability and whatnot, etc, etc.

But this, this flyer has a date!

Dad got engaged!

What? To...?

To the...?

Yeah.

They're bigger than that actually, they're sort of...

But, yeah, so you might not feel up to it.

How are those eggs going?

Right! Yeah, let's get those eggs on, bitches!

Guys, tonight's going to be intense,

so if ever you feel nervous,

or afraid, or confused,

or hungry, or weird,

just look over at my face and know that everything's going to be OK.

We're all in this together.

You have a say in this and you have a voice.

You have a voice!

Guys, you haven't told us where the glasses are.

Shut up, I'm talking!

You're putting me off.

Just don't spill the drinks, OK?

HE APPLAUDS HIMSELF

It's happening, isn't it?

We said we'd do it and we're doing it.

-Yeah.

-Once upon a time, we said,

"Let's open our own super-club," and what's happening tonight?

-BOTH:

-We're opening our own super-club!

Exactly. I mean, that's what we said we'd do and now it's like,

-"Oh, my God, it's really happening!"

-It's actually happening.

It's something that's happening

that we said should happen a while ago

-and now it's really happening.

-Yeah.

I mean, it's really happening, isn't it? Once upon a time...

Guys?

I'm really worried about the glasses.

Why can you never ask me anything useful, Kev?

Like, "What do you use in your hair?"

or, "Which famous people have you met?"

-DJ Crumbs in the house!

-Hey, hey, I thought you were setting up later?

-You all right, Kate?

-Don't use her name in front of me, you pig!

-But that's your name too!

-It is confusing.

Dan, I'm sorry, I can't be here. This was a mistake.

No, it wasn't! Listen, babe, I want you to stay.

Ever since you first started working for us

this afternoon it's been wicked.

I've had a really nice time.

Hey, Mr DJ, I heard what you did to my friend here and it stinks

so, you know, we don't need you!

Get out of here and take your popular, bullshit,

everyone-wants-to-dance-to-this music, you big, scary dick.

HE LAUGHS

Mate, what have you done?

Scott, don't take it out on him, he was just sticking up for me.

Shut up! This is a conversation between two men,

-not two men and a massive bitch!

-Don't talk to her like that!

Oh, what, you going to throw me out now too?

Don't talk crazy talk, we'll be fine, we don't need him!

Bamboo is strong, it will never break.

Tonight's going to be the greatest night Greater London's ever seen!

TECHNO MUSIC

Dan, I'm going to lay the eggs for you Gangnam Style, we're bunghole!

DJ Crumbs just tweeted all his fans telling them

to boycott Bamboo, that's why it's 11 o'clock and this place is dead!

I messed up! Hit me!

Hit me now!

-Sorry, are you OK?

-I deserved that.

But I think I know how to make it right.

How do you find the piece of bread that will save Bamboo?

-Follow the cr...

-Buy more bread!

-Follow the crumbs!

-Follow the crumbs!

DJ Crumbs! We've gotta get him back, basically.

HE KNOCKS ON WINDOW

Ah-hoo, ha-ha-ha! Sweet limousine ride!

Thanks for letting us see you.

See you're smoking a ganja spliff. Is it hydroponics shit or..?

I dunno.

Sweet. So anyway, my man here dropped a stinky one.

-What?

-He means I messed up.

But here's the thing, Crumbs, I did it for love.

Yeah, you've got a heart, Crumbs. I mean, the way you spin those decks

you've gotta know there's a heart beating under there.

Look, I was just trying to show off in front of Kate,

but we need you back. We'll do anything to get you back.

And tweet your fans saying,

"Hey, guys, come to Bamboo, please, immediately," or something.

Would you blow each other?

-I wouldn't be happy...

-There would have to be some ground rules.

Yeah, well, no looking at each other, obviously.

Right. No spitting or tugging.

Of course. And you can go first.

-Oh, good.

-That's not good.

-Get it out the way!

-Whatever, just nothing in the face.

-Only in the mouth.

-Not in the mouth either!

-Are you sure?

-Yes!

-OK, fine.

Guys, guys, I'm joking, yeah?

Look, just pay me twice as much and I'll fill your club, all right?

THEY FORCE LAUGHTER

-He was joking! He got you!

-No, he got you too!

Classic!

Classic Crumbs.

MUSIC: "Shake Senora" by Pitbull feat. T-Pain and Sean Paul

Hey, Mrs T, you made it!

Wouldn't have missed it, dude.

Can't say I'm not a little upset.

It's not easy being left by the only man you've ever loved.

But that's cool, because I love to party!

-SHE SOBS

-I just love to party!

Who are you?

I'm Howard.

Who hired you?

Dan hired me.

Oh, that is SO Dan!

Classy, isn't it, having a guy in the toilets?

I'm Scott, co-owner of the hottest party in town.

So how did you end up here?

I used to drive cabs in town,

but when my licence was taken away...

Question. Since I already pay you, do I need to tip you?

-It's up to you.

-OK.

So listen, I'm not going to tip you, Howard,

because there is a proud look in your eyes

that tells me you don't want that.

Actually, I wouldn't mind.

I will tell you this, old friend...

..I respect the hell out of you.

You haven't even washed your hands!

Yeah, but, you know, my cock's been in my trousers all day,

protected from germs and dirt.

I haven't pissed on my hands cos I'm not a little boy any more.

In fact, my hands are probably dirtier than my cock,

so you'd be better off shaking my cock than you would shaking my hand!

I don't want to do that, Scott.

Yeah, well I'm not asking you to, Howard, I'm just making a point.

Amigo, what do you think of this? I call it a Mango Crazy...

HE PUTS ON JAMAICAN ACCENT ..cos it'll make a man go crazy!

Has it got mango in it?

No. Shit, that's actually a much better idea.

Kev, Jesus, put some fucking mango in it, yeah?!

Have you seen Kate? I'm going to tell her how I feel

and that we're going to make a life together.

'Fraid not, Dansky, but look, look at this place!

I mean, sure, it's 2.45 and we've only got 15 minutes to go...

HIS VOICE FADES OUT UNDER MUSIC ..but we made it happen, mate!

MUSIC: "Don't Let The Dreamers Take You Away" by Delphic

But he fucked around on Kate with Kate and now he's kissing Kate!

-I don't understand!

-I'm sorry, mate.

Come on, let's make this a night we can't remember

because we were so off our beautiful faces.

This is just mango.

MUSIC RESUMES

Last passenger's just left the party train.

Destination - Hangoversville.

HE LAUGHS

Mate, I'm sorry about Kate.

We'll sling that dirty slapper out on her fat arse tomorrow.

We're not firing her, Scott.

If she wants a job, she's got one here.

All right, you big softie!

Look after that vagina of yours, milady!

THEY LAUGH

I tell you what we need...

-coke and pills.

-Some sleep.

I'm actually fine for coke and pills.

How about a nice King Kong fuck-off brunch?

See you there!

Sure.

Mate, we did it.

We just opened our very own super-club.

-We did, didn't we?

-We actually did it.

We said we wanted to do it and we ended up doing it.

This evening, that's what we actually did.

-I love you, man.

-Me too.

Welcome to the big time, Mr Big Balls.

Mate, we did it. We...

I know! I'll see you there!

Fucking hell!

-I thought he'd never leave!

-I can't believe that just happened.

-He can't find out.

-God, no! And he won't!

Look, you were upset, I was upset, it was just a little BJ.

-It's all good...

-Please don't say that.

-..and this will never happen again.

-Yeah.

Just go and have a nice breakfast with Scottie!

Thanks, Mrs T.

My main hombre!

Come for a cheeky carb-fest en route,

so let's discuss Bamboo, AKA the future of Bamboo.

You're my best mate, Scott.

Back at you, Commander.

So I'm thinking a regular ladies' night is a must.

Us plus lady-girls equals Scott, smiley face!

I'd never do anything to hurt you.

Good.

Then there's gay night, exactly what it says on the tin, mate.

You know, gays, Pet Shop Boys, PlayStation 3, most probably.

This is going to happen.

Load up on the extra, a good time's had by all!

Then there's under-18s night, a different kettle of fish.

The important thing to remember is that if they're 16,

legally, we can still...