OtherwOrld Comedy Feeds

Since the dawn of time, man has looked up at the stars

and asked, "Am I alone in the Universe?"

Stupid question!

What he should have been asking is, "Are the aliens dangerous?"

Which is another stupid question!

Am I right, Matthew?

Well, no complaints here.

-But don't take my word for it.

-Really, don't.

Come and see for yourself,

as we take you on a tour of

the Otherwo-o-o-o-o...

Fucking arms!

..o-o-o-o-o...

SNORTS ..o-o-o-o-orld!

Fucking useless, Matthew!

Here we have another lucky holiday-maker,

fresh from the portal to Earth.

First, she'll be given a free flower garland.

Then it's straight off to the wellness clinic for her free

mandatory alien implantation.

-It's like having your very own personal tour guide.

-Hmm.

The short, five-hour liver shaving

and intestinal truncation is utterly painless, isn't it, Matthew?

Well, I was awake the whole time and I could feel the scalpels...

Utterly painless! I mean, just look at all those happy tourists.

I wonder which one of our wonderful attractions they'll visit first.

Matthew! Matthew!

Wh-What about one of our many municipal zoos?

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Get it together, Matthew!

OK, guys, I think that's it.

Cha-Cha, if you could remember to come INSIDE Su, OK?

All right, I dinnae need a map, pal.

Well, your vagina's at optimum temperature. Well done.

Just go, Ken, please.

Let's save pandakind, right, guys?

-Aye!

-Yes.

-How do you like it, then?

-Uh...

The sex, how do you like it? Normal, from behind?

-Normal!

-Cowboy?

-Normal is fine...for this.

Ah. Right enough.

And what, gentle? Quite rough?

Oh, God. Look, let's just get it over with, OK?

Oh. Well, I... I might not be able to...

you know...

What?

-WHISTLES

-Oh, right, well, that's a shame.

Not had a chubby for three years, to be honest,

not since Ling-Ling.

Oh, right, we're talking about the ex, are we? Well, was she nice?

Oh, aye! Big, white head, black eyes, proper looker.

Oh, right, why don't you think about her, then?

Oh. Aye. Worth a pop, I suppose.

Right. Ahh...

-Ohh, there she is.

-Oh, God.

Oh, hello, darling.

Jesus. Really?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry, guys. I think I left my phone.... Hey, Su.

You tired him out quick, you little temptress. Well done.

Nothing happened, Ken. Nothing's going to happen.

Don't be like that. As soon as you get acquainted...

-He's not my type.

-What is your type, Su?

You know full well what my type is.

I can't stop thinking about you, Ken.

Please, Su, we've been over this, it can never work.

Why, Ken? Because you're a man and I'm a panda?

-YES!

-SNORES

Ohh, sorry about that, darling.

Right. Oh, I am ready to rumble!

Off you pop, Ken, nobody likes a pervert.

SPITS

'It's the children, Jane. They're all dead, they're all dead!'

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, we make great movies here on Otherworld.

Hey, Matthew, what's your favourite film?

Close the portal, save yourselves!

Hmm, never heard of it.

But do you know who I have heard of? Reese Witherspoon.

Oh, please. Witherspoon...

-Matthew isn't a fan of her work.

-I'm just not a teenage girl.

"I'm just not a teenage girl"! Just watch the damn film!

'When life can't get any better...'

So, what did you wanna tell me?

I got into Harvard.

Oh, my God, Brad! That is so great!

'..it can only get worse.'

So, I think we should break up.

Oh, my God. Is this because of my blowjob mouth?

'But getting ahead in law is hard,

'when you look like you give head easy.'

Yeah, I'm upset because of a boy

and I'd like to inquire about enrolling into law school.

Enrolling.

No, enrolling.

E-N-R-O-L-L-I-N-G.

I'm in? OMG, Bruiser, we are totally going to law school!

YAY!

'So that the world starts to see that it's not what goes into

'her mouth that counts, it's what comes out.'

It's the new girl. You wanna borrow some moisturising foundation...

for your knees? Ha-ha-ha!

Can't you see, you bitchy legal types are only hurting yourselves?

'So sometimes, all a girl can do is get her head down and work.'

Oh. So, that's what mitigating circumstances means.

Hey, babe, how about you get your gums round my plums?

Objection, you asshole!

Whoa! You're intelligent.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

PLASTIC SQUEAKS

Is it not the case, Your Honour, that it is only

the presence of inexcusable facts

and not mere appearances that should totally help us reach a judgment?

Objection, Your Honour!

This little slut doesn't know what she's talking about!

You will not call Miss Bendy Wendy a slut in my courtroom!

Oh! Thank you, Your Honour.

'When the world won't take a woman seriously, love is the law.'

I am so proud of you.

Now.

'Legally Blow Up Doll. This is one opportunity she's not gonna blow.'

Ah, nothing like reading a book by a roaring fire

in one of our many country pubs. Eh, Matthew?

Actually, this is the first time we've ever read a book.

Ha-ha-ha-ha, he's joking!

-OK, and why don't you name a book?

-Name a book?

-One of the books you've read.

-All right, name a book.

Easy. Fire...Chair.

-Oh, Fire Chair?

-Yes, Fire Chair.

-Fire Chair. Who wrote that again?

-Who wrote it?

Hmm.

M-Matthew... Human.

OK, erm, Stephen Fry, why don't you finish this sentence -

The Lion, The Witch and the...

Lion Witch.

-No.

-Fire Chair!

-Stop saying Fire Chair!

-Internal haemorrhage!

No...

AAAGHH!

SCREAMS ECHO

Oh, spleen!

Psst!

Psst! Coo-eee! Hello?

-Who's that?

-It's me, wardrobe.

MUM!

Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't have to worry about all that!

I'm a special, magical wardrobe!

-Have you heard of Narnia, like in the films?

-Yes.

Well, you know how they get there through a wardrobe?

And it's all fairies and that?

Well, I'm a magic Narnia wardrobe too.

Friendly polar bears and...

James McAvoy's walking around in here somewhere,

with his big, hairy horse legs! Would you like to come and meet him?

All you've got to do is step inside and most importantly of all...

believe... believe...

Oh, good boy, that's it. Believe...

Oh, that's it...

FLIES BUZZING

DOG BARKS

I know what you're thinking. Looks a bit different in the films.

Never mind, you're here now.

It was for your own good.

You have to learn and pain is the great teacher.

Thank you for my lesson.

Well, you make me hurt you, Maa... As you can see,

Otherworld boasts excellent medical care,

which is perfect for Matthew,

with all the silly scrapes he gets himself into.

I only have myself to blame.

But sharing a body is a two-way street.

Matthew provides me with food, shelter

and somewhere to go to the toilet.

And I, in turn, have to put up with his incessant bleeding, ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, not this shit again!

Come on, Matthew, stay with me!

Don't quit on me, soldier!

Barkeep! The paddles!

Right! Charging! Clear!

SCREAMS

I must say, I'm most disappointed in your sudden memory loss.

I had it on good authority that you were a right old clever clogs.

I told you, Bill, I don't know anything.

That's Mr Potter to you, son.

Only my old mum calls me Bill.

And I don't remember you putting out

my school uniform of a Monday, do you?

SCREAMS

Can you keep it down, mate?

Some of us are trying to get some kip round here.

SCREAMS

Oh, balls to this, I'm off out.

Now, you little ponce. You better open up,

before I have to do it myself.

Please, Bill.

Mis-ter Pott-er!

Potter. Mr Potter! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.

-Dad.

-Yes?

The window's shut.

Yes, Popcorn, Daddy has closed the window to contain

the sound of this pillock screaming his Jacobs off.

Now, go and play with one of your toys or summink.

All right. Don't piss your knickers.

SCREAMS Now.

Has that brought memory lane back into sharp enough focus for ya?

I don't know what you're talking about!

POPCORN COUGHS AND RETCHES

Hairball.

POPCORN COUGHS AND RETCHES

You done?

Yeah.

I find it rather perplexing, young man,

that you have the minerals to come snooping round my manor,

yet you ain't man enough to tell me the truth.

Shoo, you little prick!

Thanks. That got it.

Right. I've had enough of this.

Time to resort to more traditional methods.

-No, no!

-Too late, my boy.

My patience has been worn to a thread.

SCREAMS

Now, you got anything you'd like to say?

Actually, yeah, can I have that ear, or is it going in the bin?

There's nothing sadder than losing a loved one.

But here on Otherworld, that's not a problem!

Because we have the technology to bring the dead back to life!

And there's nothing better than living...here.

Well, actually, Matthew, there is one thing better than living.

Oh, what's that?

It's Otherworld's tradition of lavishly executed

live musical theatre!

Musical theatre? This day couldn't get any better.

Ha-ha-ha! What a magical world this is!

PIANO INTRO

# Last night I dreamed of what my life might be

# In the wild, a long way from here

# My love, he was there, he was holding me

# But when morning came, he disappeared

# So I sit here in my cage and rock, rock

# Not with guitar, but with stress disorder

# I'm counting the minutes on my menstrual clock

# Facing my fear, my mental torture... #

You see...

# I don't want to fuck in public

# This isn't a panda peepshow... #

Why aren't the pandas shagging?

# I don't want to fuck in public

# I'm not fucking German, you know! #

Das ist so!

# I don't want to screw in front of you

# So take your damn cameras and go! #

# The respect they give me? Well, it's just for show

# This mouth is for cross-examination

# But they all think it's for fellatio

# And hope I have a muff with vibration... #

Well, do you?

# I don't want to fuck in public

# I'm not just a dumb, plastic ho!

# I don't want to fuck in public

# They all suck, just cos I blow... blew!

# I don't want to screw assholes like you

# The law says that no should mean no! #

Objection!

# Can someone please ring the police for me?

# And a doctor would be really awesome

# There's a magical land inside of me

# I've got more snow than Nigella Lawson... #

Allegedly.

# We don't want to fuck in public

# This isn't Big Brother, you know!

# So put away your penis

# We don't want to fuck in public

# Colin Farrell, the answer is no! #

'No breakfast, lunch or dinner?'

# We don't want to screw in front of you

# I won't give a sex tape a go!

# Last night I dreamed of what my life might be

# My body whole, I could make love again... #

He's joking, of course! He still has great sex!

Every two months I lay my fertilised eggs in his scrotum, to grow and

hatch through his tear ducts, it's very fulfilling, isn't it, Matthew?

# We don't want to fuck in public

# And we won't give dogging a go... #

Oh, that's a shame.

# We don't want to fuck in public

# No, this isn't that kind of show! #

Oh, yes, it clearly is!

# Last night I dreamed of what my life would be

# If they left me to screw in some privacy

# Last night I dreamed of what my life would be

# If they left me to screw in some privacy

# I never want to fu-u-u-u-u-uck

# In public aga-a-a-a-a-a-ain

# We don't want to fuck in public. #