Episode 4 Delete, Delete, Delete

This programme contains adult humour.

Thanks very much.

Thank you, thank you. Easy now.

Hello, and welcome to Delete, Delete, Delete

where once again three brave guests have signed themselves in

for an online examination.

Yes, over the next half-hour, I'll be Doctor Paddy

and I'll be asking them to pop their clothes on the chair,

assume the position and share their craic with us all.

If you're watching this on iPlayer in England,

that joke isn't as rude as it seems.

First up, a comedian who is handsome,

he is blonde and he has hosted Love Island.

I know what you're thinking -

I've disappeared so far up my own arse living in LA,

that I'm actually introducing myself.

But don't panic, this guy isn't me

because he is the brilliant Ian Stirling!

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much.

Up next, an actress and star of BBC's hit drama The Fall,

where she played the role of Jamie Dornan's wife.

Now, as we all know,

it's a dream for any actress to appear on screen

alongside Ireland's sexiest man

and tonight, that dream comes true for her.

Please welcome the fantastic Bronagh Waugh.

Hello, gorgeous.

Good to see you.

Lovely.

All on your phone.

And, finally, a brilliant Scottish chef,

who's TV credits include Ready, Steady, Cook,

or as it's known in Scotland,

Ready, Steady, Let's Throw It In Batter And See What Happens.

We're delighted to have him, please welcome one of

The Incredible Spice Men, Mr Tony Singh.

-How are you? Good to have you.

-Yeah.

Thank you very much. Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

-Thank you for having us.

How we feeling about this, Ian?

I'm a single man, Paddy.

Don't touch it, you'll catch something.

Bronagh, welcome home.

-Thank you.

-Now, you've been on your travels.

-You've been a busy bird.

-Yes, I've...

-Flying all over the place.

Yeah, Canada, I've just got back and then Atlanta, Georgia,

just got back from there. Very hot.

So, you missed quite a few things...

-Yes.

-..about home.

You recently tweeted a photo of something

that you also missed while you were away.

Here's the tweet.

It's good to be home! Belfast.

And there's a little picture that represents Belfast

with this tweet. Here it is.

-That's actually outside my room.

-Right.

-While I was filming.

-What? Directly outside your room?

-Yeah, that's my door.

-Is this a fan that's actually...

It was after Sports Personality Of The Year

and we were filming The Fall and they were all...

I'm not sure who he is, he looks sort of vaguely...

Is it Jimmy Nesbitt?

-Now, Tony, welcome to Belfast.

-Thank you for having us.

-You've been here a few times.

-Yes. I was here about '85.

-1985.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

So, yeah. Much more welcoming.

Much more welcoming.

People here always say when they go to England,

"Oh, they're not as friendly over there, are they?"

"Do they talk to you in the street?"

"No, but they don't shoot you in the street, either."

Now, Tony, I just want to have a little check here.

You're looking very, very sharp tonight.

-Thank you.

-It is a little bit nippy at this time of year.

Have you gone full, authentic Scots?

-Full bhuna down there.

-Full what? Full boner?

-No, no.

I thought that's what he said, too! I thought that's what he said.

I just looked at your face and went, "Whoa!"

-Whoa!

-Bhuna. What does that mean?

-Oh, it's a Glasgow saying.

-Full bhuna.

-What does it mean?

-Everything.

-It's a curry.

-It's a curry.

-A bhuna.

-Oh, bhuna, right. Right.

-Oh, sorry.

It's your accent.

-Hold on, Ian, Bhuna.

-I'll translate for Ton.

There's women in the front row there nearly fell off her chair.

Well, because if he lifts his hands up, we're screwed.

Literally.

LAUGHTER

We have to say, Ian, congratulations on Love Island.

Those are four words no-one said to me in the two years I did it.

But you've so much to look forward to cos after you do this,

you'll do some shit stuff, you'll do some good stuff,

you'll do more shit stuff, then more shit stuff,

then you'll fall off the face of the earth for a lifetime,

then you'll do some yoga, do some good stuff again, end up in LA,

married to somebody you used to work

with before you did the shit stuff. It'll all work out.

Let's start with Ian.

-OK.

-When you're on the road...

-Mm-hm.

-..you have to grab your naps when you can.

-Yeah.

That used to be tricky, until I...

I found the greatest invention, Paddy, of all time.

Yes, you did. It's on here.

You were checking out this on the internet.

-Yeah.

-There it is.

-So good.

-This is the ostrich travel pillow.

How does it look like an ostrich?

-I don't...

-Ostrich's arse.

-So, here it is.

-Oh, my God!

-What do we think?

-So, you pop it on.

It's like a sexy balaclava.

Oh, my God.

You have put your hands in the top bit or it doesn't work.

-Why?

-Because it's comfy that way.

OK. Here we go. So...

-Like that.

-..you've got 15 minutes to get out.

-Yeah.

-It kind of just looks like a bell end.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Can I have a go?

-Or you know Tyrannosaurus rex.

Has anybody seen those videos on YouTube of people dressing up

in Tyrannosaurus rex things and jumping into the water?

-You need to take your glasses off.

-Looks like a giant dinosaur outfit.

-Go on, let's have a go.

-It won't fit.

I was just going to say, yeah. It's not going to fit.

It's going to be tricky for Tony, I think.

I'll show you. I'll do it on the floor, we've not got a table.

You just... You get your hands on it like this. Right.

-Look, you're in a public place.

-Yes.

Also, if you're in a public place, you want to get some personal space.

With this on, not many people come near you.

Then you lie down like this, right?

And you put your hands in it and then you're asleep.

-Oh, it's to put your hands on your forehead.

-Put your hands in.

What's weird about this?

I think basically we need this for your mate in the hotel.

-Yes.

-That could potentially have worked out there.

We'll give this to Jimmy Nesbitt for the next Carl Frampton fight.

What do you think?

Give it to Jimmy.

The brilliant thing about this, Ian,

is it's not the weirdest thing that one of you guys have looked at.

The brilliant thing about online buying habits

is that they're very revealing, Tony. And...

And to use an Irish phrase, you buy a lot of shite.

-Oh!

-You really do.

I've got more shite than a shite shop. Honestly.

You are a fan of the specialist online auction.

-Yes.

-Now, how specialist is specialist?

Very. Well, it depends. I think it's quite fun, nice.

Let's have a little look at some of Tony's fun, nice items.

-What the...?

-Night-vision goggles.

We have also this.

A Samurai sword.

Tony, you're sitting beside a woman

-that played the wife of a serial killer.

-Of a serial killer.

-And even she's shitting herself now.

-I know!

A blacksmith's anvil.

I've got a hankering to be a blacksmith.

So, you need an anvil. Yes? Nothing wrong with that.

-There's nothing wrong with that.

-At all.

And there's nothing wrong with this.

A chainsaw.

Why do you want a chainsaw?

-Why would you not want a chainsaw?

-I mean...

My big friend came and took it off me. It's dangerous.

I didn't have it for long, it was taken away from me.

-Yes.

-By your big friend, do you mean your carer?

-What's going on?

-Yeah.

Bronagh, now, you also do a little bit of online shopping.

But you are the first guest that we've ever had on this show

that also sells stuff online.

Jamie Dornan's chest hair. No, that's a joke. I totally don't.

I totally don't.

Bronagh actually makes products and sells them online.

This sort of thing here.

Oh.

Hand-painted 100% pure silk lampshade.

70 quid? You can get an ostrich pillow for that.

Do you know how much time goes into that?

Hang on a wee second, come on. Dick Turpin wore a mask.

Now, let's be clear, that base is three quid out of IKEA...

The base doesn't come with it. The base doesn't come with it.

-It's just the...

-It's just the shade.

-It's just the shade?!

-Yeah.

Hold on a second,

you and your wife are not getting a lampshade for Christmas.

Is he getting one? Am I getting one? Can I just have the money instead?

I just think, you know, when you're an artist or a creative being,

you've got to keep yourself busy when you're not working.

My boyfriend is a plumber and he makes bases out of copper pipes that go with it.

All this industrial look and everything.

-And he makes kitchen tables.

-Does he want to buy an anvil?

Do you know what? Actually, no...

No joke... No joke, I did look at the anvil and think...

-Yeah. I could do with that.

-We have another one.

All my sort of inspiration comes from Northern Ireland, as well.

Glens of Antrim.

Totally Glens of Antrim.

That isn't the Glens of Antrim, if you were sipping Bacardi!

What do you do in your spare time, Ian?

Like, talk to friends?

Well, that's... So do I!

Believe you me, I know what Ian does in his spare time.

Now, in years to come, as we take our last breath,

we will all look back on our lives and say, "Where did the time go?"

-I've turned into Daniel O'Donnell.

-I know!

And the answer will be,

we pissed it away watching clips of farting pandas.

Yes, the viral video infects us all.

Bronagh, now, you quite like to watch fellow actors' auditions.

Yeah, it makes me feel better when I don't get the job.

Someone will go, "Oh, have you seen so and so's audition tape?"

And then it makes you feel better cos you go, "I wasn't that bad."

Here's one featuring some want-to-be action stars.

You want me to show you tough? I'll show you tough.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

You guys are going to like this one.

I watched that before I did Supernatural because I had to do

loads of stunt fighting and my boyfriend was like,

"You should YouTube stunt fighting,"

so that was the first thing that came up. And I was like,

"Oh, it's never going to be that bad." So it's good.

Now, when we found a video with an ingenious new use of spice,

we actually assumed, Tony, that this was going to be one of your videos.

But it wasn't. It was on Ian's computer.

Bon appetit.

DIALOGUE IN JAPANESE

SHOUTING

-Wow.

-I love that. I love that so much.

I mean, the fact that there's a man standing at the end with a water jet

up his arse with a pair of shorts that have got no backside to them.

And that's the least weird part of the clip.

That's the best thing I've ever seen.

Is it a Japanese game show? Cos sometimes there are these game shows

where they make the contestants in Japan do crazy, crazy things.

I don't know what it is, I've just seen it and thought,

"I'm going to watch that forever."

The next clip is also from you, Ian.

And it shows you what can happen

when your relationship with your pet deteriorates.

Oh! You crazy!

-So aggressive.

-Do you remember they used to say that over here?

They'd go, "Well, here's one for you and one for your dog."

-Nobody does that any more.

-It was always the Belfast insult.

-One for you, one for your dog.

-Nobody does that any more.

-No.

I think that's coming back.

-Yes.

-One for your dog.

Now, Bronagh, you have watched quite a view clips online

-to practise your accents.

-Yes, yes.

Now, this is a thing, isn't it? For the parts that you get and...

Yes, often, especially working over in the States, and in Canada,

I often have to play different...

I often play English characters, or different places, Southern Irish,

up here, or American. So...

And there's obviously loads of different American accents.

So, flipping between accents is very, very difficult.

However, there is help online.

-Mm-hm.

-Check out this woman's skills.

-POSH ACCENT:

-Hello. My name is Amy Walker.

I'm 25 years old and I was born in London, England.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Y'all right? I'm Amy Walker,

I'm 25 years old and I was born in London, weren't I?

-POSH ACCENT:

-Yes, hello, my name is Amy Walker

I'm 25 years old and I was born in London, England.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Hello. My name is Amy Walker

and I'm from Moscow in Russia.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-That's right, my name is Amy Walker

and I was born in Dublin, Ireland.

-NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-Hi, how are you, I'm Amy Walker,

I'm 25 and I was born in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

-Belfast, perfect!

-Where in Belfast?

-Perfect.

-You think that was a perfect Belfast accent?

-Yeah.

-Bronagh?

-Hmm. Pass.

-What? You actually think it was that bad?

Yeah, it was horrific. Her other ones were really good though.

But the Belfast one was rubbish?

-Yeah, shite.

-OK, well, look, why don't you tell her yourself?

On Skype now, we're going to chat to the many voices of Amy Walker.

Hi, Amy!

Hi, Amy!

APPLAUSE

-Hi!

-Hi, Amy.

So, Amy, where are you actually from?

I'm from Washington State, Seattle.

And so, tell me, then, how did you learn accents?

Or was it just something you knew you could do from an early age?

I'm an actor and a singer, so I just started picking them up in case...

You know, you never know where you're going to need to be from.

So, how's that Belfast accent coming on for you?

Better, hopefully.

-Belfast people talk through our nose.

-Your nose?

So, you can actually stitch Belfast people's mouths up

and they'll still talk through their nose.

So, if we wanted to learn, say, the Russian accent, how does that work?

Are there any little tips for us?

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Well, it's very cold in Russia,

so it's like you want to make some heat in the back of your throat.

Tony, would you like to do that for us?

Make some heat in the back of your throat and have vodka, yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How was that, Amy?

I'd give that an M for Mmm!

I'm South African, but I've lived in Scotland for many years.

Amy, it's been absolutely fantastic talking to you.

Give it up one more time for the many voices of Amy Walker.

APPLAUSE

Now, Bronagh, I have been following you.

Not in a sinister Jamie Dornan in The Fall type way,

but I've been following you on Twitter.

-You are a keen Tweeter.

-Yes.

There are a couple of people that you've tweeted about

which has entertained me greatly.

Now, they're not celebs, they're not politicians.

Talk to me about the neighbours.

Oh, it's a problem. It's a real problem.

So, we have these two new neighbours that have just moved in

and they have the most horrific, violent sex ever.

And it's at least five times a day.

So, they're really noisy. And the first time I heard it,

I came in through the front door and heard the screaming

and, like, no word of a lie, it is screaming blue murder.

So, I dropped the shopping bags and then I heard,

"Left a bit, left a bit, right. Just stick it in me."

And then I was like...

But I literally was outside her front door

like, "Oh, Jesus, right, OK."

-And then I listened because you do. You just...

-Of course.

-You need to hear what...

-Glass to the wall.

You need to hear what's going on. But what's been happening is

things have been smashed. They're smashing things.

-Like back doors?

-I think he...

I think he flips her, he throws her about.

Like, they both scream and shout.

But the thing is, she screams. Like it's literally like...

Aaaargh! Like that, like all the time.

And what noise does he make?

He just grunts. He just has low grunts like...

-SHE GRUNTS

-It's becoming really disturbing

and I don't know how to have this conversation,

so I've been throwing it out to Twitter and...

This is how you dealt with the situation.

You sent out a little tweet...

-Good tweet. Strong tweet.

-Strong tweet, but you deleted that tweet.

Yeah, because somebody tweeted me and said,

"Are your neighbours on Twitter?"

And they know that I'm an actress and they know that I'm in The Fall,

cos the guy has come up to me when he first moved in and said,

"Oh, yeah, I've been watching you on telly."

And then he went...ugh! Ugh-ugh!

Really, really awkward.

-So, you took it a stage further.

-Yeah.

-And this was just last week.

-This was last Thursday. It got so bad.

-I love this.

-You dropped the not so subtle hint...

-Yeah.

-..of changing your Wi-Fi network name...

-Yep.

..in the hope that when they tried to log in in their flat...

-Yeah, cos when you're in the building...

-They'd see the network...

-You get five or six things that come up.

-Yes.

Let's have a look what Bronagh changed her Wi-Fi network to.

To be fair, that is strong, it is punchy.

That didn't quite work.

-So I changed it.

-You changed it to this.

To the truth.

She is.

I know. You know. She is.

She's definitely faking it, like, yeah.

Up next, Ian, you also love an emoji.

-Yeah.

-So, basically emojis are the pictures that give a message.

-Mm.

-In Northern Ireland, that's basically a mural.

We've had those for a while.

But you just don't use emojis for speed.

-No. I like playing games with them.

-Tell us about your games.

I do a thing on my Twitter called Emoji Movie Title,

where, from the emojis, you've got to guess

-what movie title I'm talking about.

-Oh, that's good.

-It's really...

-It's loads of fun.

-I like that.

-We actually have...

-Have you got some?

-Yeah, we've got some of yours.

-Amazing.

And Bronagh and Tony, see if you can guess some of Ian's movies.

First up, we've got this.

-Girl, truck, pair...

-Single White Female.

-Ah!

-No.

-It's phonetic, I think. Is that the phrase?

Oh, girls, truck... Oh, girls girl, truck, pear.

-Shall I give you the first one so you get an idea?

-Yeah.

That's Lesbian Vampire Killers.

Lesbian van pear kill her.

-Oh, OK.

-Feel free to shout out. Here we go.

-It's easy, that one.

Bow mice. Bow rat.

-PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE:

-Borat!

-Borat!

Well done. We've also got this one.

This is the most proud I've ever been of anything in my entire life.

-Oh, fish...

-Face, slap...

-Official... No.

-No.

-Oh, fish, girl.

-Say what you see.

-Girl.

Someone's got it. Someone got it.

-Who you said it?

-Put your hand up, sir.

There were go. Shout it out. He's got it.

-Officer And A Gentleman.

-Officer And A Gentleman.

Oh fish her hand a gentleman. Officer And A Gentleman.

I was dead happy with that.

Well done, man.

-Oh fish her.

-How may people actually got that?

None.

That guy.

Thanks for coming, Dad.

Belfast is ages away.

Unfortunately, we tried to look for it,

but there is no Northern Ireland emoji.

Oh, they totally should make that.

Well, they should.

So, we've come up with a few suggestions for them here.

If anybody wants to make this, feel free.

Here we go. We've got this. Any idea what this is, Ian?

I don't want to say in case I'm offensive accidentally.

-Potato cake.

-Is it a soda farl?

-Potato bread?

-It is a soda farl.

-Soda farl.

-That is a soda farl.

Then we have this one.

Oh, I know what that one is. I know what that is.

That is a Belfast smiley face.

Then we also have this.

-I think that's...

-Oh, that's like my favourite cocktail.

-Molotov.

-Yeah.

We also have this one.

And you can just put those along the bottom.

They can just walk for as long as you want.

And finally you have this one.

There it is.

That emoji means it was all right when it left here.

So, Bronagh, I also noticed on this that you have a Tinder account.

-Well, I did. I don't any more.

-Yeah. She did. You met...

-My partner.

-Your partner on Tinder.

-Yes, I did.

I was a wee bit nervous about it at first,

the whole internet dating thing.

But so many people nowadays go on the internet to date

because we're very busy and unless...

Like, with what we do, you only tend to meet people that are in your job,

so if you work in Tesco, you tend to only meet people romantically

-that work at Tesco.

-And if you're an international actress,

you only meet really hot, foxy actors.

But I don't like dating actors.

-Why's that?

-I think I like to be with normal people.

-They're no good at plumbing.

-They're just...

Yeah, I go out with a man who fixes my pipes and it's brilliant.

LAUGHTER

Boom-boom!

Ian, you've been on Tinder a couple of times.

-Mate, I'm on it all the time.

-Really?

-I love it. I'm on it now.

-How many swipes?

-I'm swiping people's faces in my mind.

-All the time.

-So, you swipe right, you swipe left.

Can I ask what you write to someone when you match someone?

-What your message is.

-"Hi, we both know what this is.

"I'm lonely, let's not die alone."

-Ohh!

-That's to the point. That's OK.

-How does that work for you?

I have had three Tinder dates, Paddy.

And they've all come with samurai swords.

It is very, very tricky. So, whenever you actually swipe right

and somebody else swipes right on Tinder,

and then you think we're game on, but you can still blow it.

You really can, if the chat is bad.

Here's some Tinder chat...

Good choice.

We've got a few more here...

-Good start. Strong start.

-Strong. That's good.

Oh, God!

I would go on a date with them!

I would go on a day with them because they made me laugh.

-Now, Tony...

-Arranged marriage.

-Oh!

-Arranged marriage.

-Yeah.

Well, thank God you were an arranged marriage cos with a Tinder profile

-anything like what you're buying online, Tony.

-No!

-So, talk us... How did this...?

-My dad's best friend's daughter.

And it worked. It was great.

-She didn't kick me out.

-And how many years have you been married?

-24.

-Oh, that's amazing.

Well, if you're on Tinder and you get past the awkward conversation

and you manage to get yourself together,

then it comes to the point of the first kiss.

Which can sometimes be awkward, but thankfully...

-there is a app.

-No.

-Which helps us with this. Oh, yes there is.

-How's you kissing technique, Bronagh?

-Oh, God, I don't know.

-Pass. I don't know.

-Why did you ask me?

I don't know. I don't... I don't know.

Well, this app is perfect for you because this is called...

-iFrenchKiss.

-Oh, God!

This is an app where you can actually practise your kissing.

So, you can decide to go for a smooch or a French kiss.

And you actually kiss your phone.

-No!

-No.

You actually kiss your own phone and it marks you out of 100.

-Oh, no!

-Do you want to have a go, Bronagh?

-God.

-Here we go.

-OK.

I might just go for a smooch, though, is that OK?

-Is that all right?

-You can do whatever you want.

-French kiss!

-No, no, no.

-French kiss! French kiss!

-My boyfriend's...

-No, no, no, no, no.

-You can't have an affair with an iPhone.

-Oh, you could.

-Here we go.

-OK.

It's not doing anything.

-44 out of 100.

-Then it says, "You are a bad smoocher."

-"You are a bad smoocher."

-It's under half.

-OK, Tony, you're up.

-Are there tips?

How many years of marriage?

-24.

-24. Get in there.

-"Horrible."

-It's broken.

-Go on.

-Ian.

-Go on.

Knock yourself out, kid.

Go on!

Do it! Do it!

That's good.

-That's good.

-Don't eat the phone.

I'm getting a side view and I think it's good.

Here we go. "2 out of 100."

No! That is... That is nonsense.

That is nonsense.

That's not right.

That's actually what it says!

-I know.

-I thought you'd put that screen up as a joke.

2 out of 100?

LAUGHTER

I saw you from the side, though, and it looked really good.

-It did. I thought it looked very...

-Don't patronise me!

-OK.

-It's broken.

-I don't...

-Right, now, you do it.

-You have to do it.

-I'll have a go. Here we go.

If you get more than 50, I'm going to kill myself.

If I get more than 50, you'll know why I'm married to Cat Deeley.

-Yes!

-Yes, boy!

LAUGHTER

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

What a piece of...!

Yes!

Cat Deeley, my phone number is 077...

Well, that is all we have time for tonight.

Would you like your laptops back?

-Yes, please.

-Give them a round of applause, they were very good sports.

Thank you very much.

Let's give it up for Tony Singh, Bronagh Waugh and Ian Stirling.

We will see you next time on Delete, Delete, Delete. Goodnight!