Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 5

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 5. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:270:00:30

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Tennant.

0:00:370:00:43

In the news this week there is evidence that Britain's

0:00:430:00:45

loneliest man has been just a little too judgmental on Tinder.

0:00:450:00:49

In Glasgow, as Rangers are promoted back to the Premier League

0:00:560:00:59

to play Celtic again,

0:00:590:01:00

one group of workers calculate the effect on their overtime payments.

0:01:000:01:04

And there's consternation for the Beckham household as the children's

0:01:080:01:11

entertainer booked for Harper's fifth birthday blows out the candles.

0:01:110:01:16

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian in his 20s who ends his blog

0:01:280:01:31

with the words "Wang out".

0:01:310:01:33

As opposed to when he's on Snapchat, "Wang out" is how he starts.

0:01:330:01:37

Please welcome Phil Wang!

0:01:370:01:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:01:390:01:41

And with Paul tonight is a journalist and broadcaster who says

0:01:460:01:50

she's always complaining about her neighbour's leaf blower.

0:01:500:01:53

It's a constant infuriating racket

0:01:530:01:55

and the leaf blower is the only way to drown it out.

0:01:550:01:57

Please welcome Janet Street-Porter!

0:01:570:02:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:000:02:01

So we start with the bigger stories of the week.

0:02:030:02:05

Paul and Janet, take a look at this.

0:02:050:02:08

Yes, of course, this is the triumph of the Foxes, Leicester City.

0:02:080:02:11

-There's...

-One of their fans. Hang on, David Tennant, isn't that you?

0:02:110:02:17

I was Richard II, not Richard III.

0:02:170:02:21

You're just being pedantic,

0:02:210:02:22

I think. But you do rather resemble the statue of Richard III.

0:02:220:02:27

-Really?!

-Yes!

-I don't own a hat like that.

-No.

0:02:270:02:31

Haven't people said that Leicester City's good fortunes have

0:02:330:02:36

-coincided with the reburial?

-Yeah.

0:02:360:02:38

Since he was dug up from the car park

0:02:380:02:40

and buried in Leicester Cathedral, Leicester City

0:02:400:02:43

were on the brink of relegation and now they've won the Premier League.

0:02:430:02:46

And what's happened at the same time to the City of York?

0:02:460:02:48

-They've been relegated.

-Exactly!

-Oh, my God!

-Exactly! They're claiming

0:02:480:02:52

-Richard III should have been buried in York Minster.

-Yes!

0:02:520:02:56

They lost the battle for Richard's remains

0:02:560:02:58

and now York City have been relegated from the Football League altogether.

0:02:580:03:01

-Well, let's start the Battle Of The Roses again!

-JANET:

-Yeah.

0:03:010:03:04

Is it true that Keith Vaz, the MP for Leicester,

0:03:040:03:08

has not taken off his Leicester scarf since they won

0:03:080:03:11

and he's even worn it in the House of Commons?

0:03:110:03:14

-Oh, filthy bastard.

-He'll do anything to get...

0:03:140:03:17

-No, he asked a question.

-Wearing the Leicester scarf.

0:03:170:03:20

-How sad is that?

-Would the Prime Minister agree that it's marvellous?

0:03:200:03:24

And Cameron said, "Oh, yes, footie ball."

0:03:240:03:26

He's got as much interest in the sport as I have.

0:03:280:03:30

I'm not sure why it is exciting.

0:03:300:03:33

Aren't they owned by incredibly rich oligarchs like everyone else?

0:03:330:03:36

I think they're owned by a Thai billionaire.

0:03:360:03:39

So I'm considering this a win for Southeast Asia.

0:03:390:03:42

-So it's not really a rags-to-riches story.

-No!

0:03:420:03:46

-It's more sort of riches to more riches.

-Quite.

0:03:460:03:49

Well, that's heart-warming.

0:03:490:03:51

-The captain is already writing his life story, isn't he?

-Mm.

0:03:510:03:53

He sold it for a great deal of money.

0:03:530:03:56

-And will there be a film?

-Yes.

0:03:560:03:58

-Are you in it, David?

-Not yet, but...

0:03:580:04:02

Vardy. I only learned his name yesterday. Vardy.

0:04:020:04:06

-I did a lot of work before this thing.

-Did you?

0:04:060:04:10

-Is that how you refer to this programme, "This thing"?

-Yeah.

0:04:100:04:13

I thought, "Football is coming up. I really need to know my stuff."

0:04:130:04:17

-So I know why they won.

-Yes.

-4-4-2.

0:04:170:04:20

Oh, really?

0:04:200:04:21

APPLAUSE

0:04:210:04:23

Tell us about that, Ian. Tell us about 4-4-2.

0:04:260:04:29

Um, well, you've got, um...

0:04:290:04:31

-Here we go!

-..ten players together.

-Uh-huh.

0:04:310:04:35

-Four of them are in one bit...

-Yeah?

0:04:350:04:37

Four of them in another and two right over there in another bit.

0:04:390:04:42

The only thing I read about it that really interests me

0:04:420:04:45

is that before the game, they have Buddhist monks who...

0:04:450:04:49

I mean, this is probably a doping story. It's certainly cheating.

0:04:490:04:53

The Buddhist monks come in and chant and pray for victory.

0:04:530:04:56

-Yes.

-And apparently it works. Every time.

0:04:560:05:00

I've got mine right here.

0:05:000:05:02

-There we go, guys.

-Om....

0:05:020:05:04

-How tall are these people?

-They're very small.

0:05:090:05:12

-Very small?

-They've also challenged conventional wisdom

0:05:120:05:16

because they play most of the time without the ball.

0:05:160:05:20

What does that mean?

0:05:200:05:22

It means they are statistically in possession for only 46%

0:05:220:05:25

of the match.

0:05:250:05:26

The Buddhist monks just pray and then the ball floats...

0:05:260:05:30

to the goal. It's a Thai technique. You wouldn't understand.

0:05:300:05:33

I should say, I'm not Thai. This could get quite confusing.

0:05:330:05:37

I should say I'm not either.

0:05:370:05:40

I'm not, but I can be for a role.

0:05:410:05:44

Actually not.

0:05:440:05:46

How did the manager Claudio Ranieri win people over?

0:05:460:05:49

-He went to see his mum.

-His 96-year-old mum lives in Rome.

0:05:490:05:52

-Yeah, he went straight to see his mum. He had lunch with her.

-Yes.

0:05:520:05:56

And share the good news with her.

0:05:560:05:58

-He's generally been incredibly nice and charming.

-Mm.

0:05:580:06:00

And won people over. He's never criticised referees or other managers,

0:06:000:06:04

and at press conferences he went around the room shaking hands with every journalist present.

0:06:040:06:08

-Mm.

-But how had he been treated by the media last September?

0:06:080:06:12

Was that when he first joined them?

0:06:120:06:13

I suppose they would have dragged up the memories of him being

0:06:130:06:16

-manager of Chelsea ten years before.

-Well, he'd just been sacked.

0:06:160:06:19

-Oh, had he?

-As manager of Greece.

-Oh, bloody hell.

-Yeah.

0:06:190:06:22

That takes some doing!

0:06:220:06:24

It was following their defeat by the Faroe Islands,

0:06:260:06:28

when he was called...

0:06:280:06:30

He was called...

0:06:310:06:33

And was favourite to be the first manager of the season to be sacked.

0:06:350:06:38

Finger on the pulse from the country's press, there.

0:06:380:06:41

How did Claudio Ranieri make his players pay attention to him?

0:06:410:06:45

-Oh, didn't he do that dilly-dongy bell thing?

-That's exactly it.

0:06:450:06:49

He rings an imaginary bell and shouts...

0:06:490:06:52

It sounds like a morris dancer.

0:06:550:06:57

Well, I think it's being entered for Eurovision this year.

0:06:570:07:01

I'm sure you've all seen Leicester players

0:07:010:07:03

celebrating at Jamie Vardy's house just after they became the champions.

0:07:030:07:07

Let's have a look.

0:07:070:07:09

WILD CHEERING

0:07:090:07:11

CHEERING CONTINUES

0:07:150:07:17

A measured response!

0:07:230:07:25

They say the Premier League is overhyped these days

0:07:250:07:28

and that people get too excited about it.

0:07:280:07:30

So let's compare those Leicester players with some footage

0:07:300:07:33

taken in the home of Lee Chapman from Leeds United

0:07:330:07:36

and his team-mates just minutes after they'd won the league title in 1992.

0:07:360:07:40

It's a champagne occasion

0:07:400:07:42

and we are in Boroughbridge in the home of Lee Chapman.

0:07:420:07:44

-Thanks...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:07:440:07:47

And they're wearing ties!

0:07:490:07:50

The celebrations in Leicester were widely reported.

0:07:500:07:54

Steve Hurst went out to soak up the atmosphere with his

0:07:540:07:57

cocker spaniel Daisy wearing a miniature Leicester kit.

0:07:570:08:00

He said...

0:08:000:08:01

And this story has allowed journalists to bring

0:08:080:08:10

all their skills to bear by googling famous people from Leicester.

0:08:100:08:15

Whose name do you think appeared most often in the press reports?

0:08:150:08:18

-Apart from Gary Lineker.

-I saw a reference to Showaddywaddy.

0:08:180:08:21

-Exactly, yes.

-A fine, popular... band...

0:08:210:08:25

..of the...'30s?

0:08:270:08:29

-Who else? Gok Wan.

-Is he from Leicester?

0:08:320:08:35

-Yes, he is. His dad owned a Chinese restaurant.

-There you go.

0:08:350:08:39

His real name is Wang, like mine, but he found it too embarrassing

0:08:390:08:42

and took the G off.

0:08:420:08:43

-Really?

-Yeah, apparently. But more fool him. More for me.

0:08:430:08:48

I'm getting a Wang dollar now!

0:08:480:08:50

I think Gary Lineker said he's going to present

0:08:510:08:54

Match Of The Day in his underwear.

0:08:540:08:57

Ugh! Isn't he available now he's just got divorced?

0:08:570:09:00

Janet!

0:09:000:09:02

This is not Loose Women, you know!

0:09:020:09:06

-I think David Cameron encouraged him to do it, didn't he?

-Has he?

-Yeah.

0:09:070:09:10

Another question was asked in Parliament

0:09:100:09:12

-and he said that he thought he should.

-Right,

0:09:120:09:14

-I'm glad they're tackling the important issues.

-Yeah!

0:09:140:09:18

Exactly!

0:09:180:09:19

What has top Leicester butcher Keith Ashmore done as a tribute

0:09:190:09:23

to his football team?

0:09:230:09:24

Spelt the names out in mince?

0:09:240:09:26

-It's bound to be a sausage, isn't it?

-Made from fox.

0:09:260:09:30

Oh, Ian! I wish you hadn't said that.

0:09:300:09:33

-It would be delicious, wouldn't it?

-It would be lovely!

0:09:330:09:35

He's actually introduced a range of blue sausages.

0:09:350:09:38

-Blue sausages?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that is gross!

0:09:380:09:42

He should save his money and buy a better wig.

0:09:440:09:46

That's not actually Keith, that's a Telegraph journalist.

0:09:490:09:54

He's going to give you a really good review after you said that.

0:09:540:09:57

He still ought to get a better wig.

0:09:570:10:00

Who has also got into trouble over his coloured sausage?

0:10:000:10:04

Oh, is it a tartan sausage?

0:10:050:10:08

No. Top Devon butcher Paul...

0:10:080:10:10

Why are they all top butchers?

0:10:100:10:13

Why aren't some of them struggling to make a living?

0:10:130:10:16

Middling Devon butcher Paul Kenyon,

0:10:160:10:19

who produced his own purple sausage

0:10:190:10:21

-as a tribute to Prince, who died recently.

-Oh, no!

0:10:210:10:24

-JANET:

-Oh, God!

-Here you go.

-Ohh.

0:10:240:10:27

The animal rights group Peta have asked him

0:10:270:10:29

to withdraw his sausage.

0:10:290:10:32

They said...

0:10:350:10:37

I think we'd all aspire to having a novelty sausage, wouldn't we?

0:10:410:10:45

I've seen a few in my time.

0:10:450:10:47

By the way, I've met Prince and that sausage is about ten times

0:10:480:10:52

the size of what he had in his pants.

0:10:520:10:55

Do I have to remind you again this is not Loose Women?

0:10:580:11:02

The body's not even cold, Janet.

0:11:040:11:06

-JANET:

-He's cremated.

0:11:090:11:11

IAN GULPS

0:11:110:11:13

I think it's how he would have liked to have been remembered.

0:11:130:11:17

Yes, this is the shock result that has turned

0:11:170:11:20

even non-football fans like myself into experts.

0:11:200:11:23

Leicester Rovers have won the Premier division cup.

0:11:230:11:27

It's a wonderfully romantic story.

0:11:270:11:29

And to think, none of it would have happened if the previous manager

0:11:290:11:32

hadn't left the club after his son was sacked for filming his mates

0:11:320:11:35

having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.

0:11:350:11:38

APPLAUSE

0:11:390:11:41

One female hospital worker in Leicester

0:11:440:11:46

is £50,000 better off

0:11:460:11:48

after a bet was put on for her

0:11:480:11:51

as a joke by her boss, a consultant plastic surgeon.

0:11:510:11:54

And now, like so many of his patients,

0:11:540:11:57

she can't wipe the smile off her face.

0:11:570:11:59

Jamie Vardy once played for a local steelworkers' team...

0:12:020:12:05

..before he quit to pursue his ambition

0:12:070:12:10

of becoming a Premiership footballer.

0:12:100:12:12

"It's an impossible dream! How will you feed your family?

0:12:120:12:14

"What about job security?"

0:12:140:12:16

Vardy warned the steelworkers as he left.

0:12:160:12:19

Ian and Phil, take a look at this.

0:12:210:12:24

That's a degree.

0:12:260:12:27

Swinging quite a long way to the right.

0:12:270:12:30

That's how big his head is, in psychological terms.

0:12:300:12:34

He's won in Indiana.

0:12:340:12:35

-All his competitors have dropped out.

-Yep.

0:12:350:12:38

Cruz crashed and burned.

0:12:380:12:40

The last time a CRUZ sunk this badly,

0:12:400:12:43

James Cameron made a film about it.

0:12:430:12:45

Thank you.

0:12:460:12:48

You're very kind.

0:12:480:12:50

APPLAUSE

0:12:500:12:52

That is the official Republican candidate.

0:12:520:12:54

So it's possible

0:12:540:12:56

he'll be the next President of the United States.

0:12:560:12:58

-It felt like that was quite hard to get out.

-I couldn't.

0:12:580:13:01

I was about to say, "And he's going to meet Prime Minister Johnson...

0:13:010:13:05

"..to discuss being mad."

0:13:090:13:11

What happened to the online petition to ban him from Britain?

0:13:130:13:17

I think the argument was that we should let him come over,

0:13:170:13:20

listen to what he had to say and then laugh.

0:13:200:13:22

It's the more traditional British response.

0:13:220:13:25

No, we need some freedom of speech.

0:13:250:13:27

We've got to hear Trump's views,

0:13:270:13:29

because they change minute to minute.

0:13:290:13:31

You've no idea what he's going to say next. He doesn't, either.

0:13:310:13:34

"I'm going to build a wall.

0:13:340:13:36

"Maybe I'm not."

0:13:360:13:38

He actually ended one rally

0:13:380:13:40

thanking the poorly educated for voting for him.

0:13:400:13:43

Yes, this is the news of another rank outsider,

0:13:450:13:47

as Trump triumphs in Indiana.

0:13:470:13:49

After rivals Ted Cruz and John Kasich pulled out of the race,

0:13:490:13:52

Trump made a victory speech.

0:13:520:13:54

..he said, dangerous lunatic-ly.

0:14:000:14:03

What record has Donald Trump now achieved?

0:14:030:14:06

-Has he got the most delegates at this stage of the game?

-No.

0:14:060:14:11

Most ex-wives?

0:14:110:14:13

Least credible hair ever?

0:14:130:14:15

Well, according to veteran Democratic pollster Peter Hart...

0:14:160:14:19

What did Trump's rival Ted Cruz do immediately after conceding defeat?

0:14:280:14:32

Open up a delicatessen.

0:14:320:14:35

He punched his wife in the face, didn't he?

0:14:380:14:41

-Did he?

-Not once but twice. Let's have a look.

0:14:410:14:44

I think we should see that again in slow motion.

0:14:510:14:54

Wallop!

0:14:540:14:56

Bang!

0:14:560:14:57

What is being sold at Donald Trump rallies

0:14:570:15:01

that's causing particular offence?

0:15:010:15:03

Souls.

0:15:030:15:04

Anti-Hillary Clinton messages.

0:15:110:15:14

Yes. Do you know what they are?

0:15:140:15:16

I don't know. "Kill the bitch" sort of thing?

0:15:160:15:18

I'm quoting what he's doing.

0:15:220:15:23

Haven't been making them at home myself.

0:15:230:15:26

That's pretty much it.

0:15:260:15:27

SHOCKED GASPS

0:15:300:15:32

-Classy(!)

-And that is half the voters.

-Yes.

0:15:320:15:35

I mean, he's got no women voting for him, no ethnic vote.

0:15:350:15:39

But he keeps winning.

0:15:390:15:41

Who's not remotely bothered about what's happening

0:15:410:15:43

in the US election build-up?

0:15:430:15:45

-It's Barack Obama. Let's have a look.

-Yes!

0:15:460:15:48

MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars

0:15:480:15:52

"Not my problem any more!"

0:16:020:16:06

-Anyway, who says elections aren't fun?

-Yeah.

0:16:060:16:09

Meanwhile, back home, the election results are in.

0:16:090:16:12

Unfortunately, we happened yesterday so we have no idea what they are.

0:16:120:16:17

So let's talk about Labour's anti-Semitism problem

0:16:170:16:20

and how is that going for Jeremy Corbyn?

0:16:200:16:22

It's working a treat, he got a landslide.

0:16:220:16:25

If you're watching the repeat and he didn't...

0:16:250:16:27

He didn't.

0:16:270:16:28

Alan Johnson was very funny.

0:16:320:16:33

He said, "There's no Labour problem that cannot be made worse

0:16:330:16:37

"by Ken Livingstone."

0:16:370:16:38

LAUGHTER

0:16:380:16:40

The number of Labour members suspended

0:16:440:16:46

for anti-Semitism and racism since Corbyn took over as leader is now 18.

0:16:460:16:50

-It's not good, is it?

-It's not great.

0:16:500:16:52

Doesn't that make him the best ever anti-Semite hunter?

0:16:520:16:56

Every other Labour... Like, Miliband couldn't find them.

0:16:580:17:01

Does Jeremy Corbyn know the keypad code to the door

0:17:030:17:06

to his constituency office?

0:17:060:17:08

-No.

-No, there's footage of him, isn't there?

0:17:080:17:10

Yes, because him going in would not be news.

0:17:100:17:12

-Yes, quite.

-Getting it wrong.

-Well deduced. Let's have a look.

0:17:120:17:15

Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do

0:17:150:17:17

about the perceived anti-Semitism in your party?

0:17:170:17:20

Mr Corbyn, have you got any comment?

0:17:210:17:23

Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do about the perception

0:17:250:17:28

that your party is anti-Semitic and the criticisms from Andy Burnham?

0:17:280:17:31

Hi, good morning, very nice to see you.

0:17:360:17:39

Did someone change the code?

0:17:400:17:42

Has there been a coup and no-one told him?

0:17:420:17:45

John McDonnell's in there.

0:17:450:17:47

Throwing his clothes out the top floor window.

0:17:470:17:49

Yeah. "Get out! There's your cycling helmet."

0:17:490:17:52

And here's London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith

0:17:550:17:57

demonstrating how you should handle tough questions from the media.

0:17:570:18:00

I'm a Bollywood fan, so anything with a Bollywood theme,

0:18:000:18:03

-I will lap it up.

-You say you are a Bollywood fan,

0:18:030:18:06

do you have a favourite actor, a favourite Bollywood film?

0:18:060:18:09

Er, no, you're going to... I wouldn't be able to...

0:18:090:18:11

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:18:110:18:13

No, I'm not going to give you one. I can't think of a favourite.

0:18:130:18:17

You can't think of a single Bollywood film or actor?

0:18:170:18:19

I-I-I can think of...

0:18:190:18:20

I can't think of a favourite, I love the whole...

0:18:200:18:23

I love almost everything about Bollywood.

0:18:230:18:25

I love the atmosphere, I love the colour, I love the excitement.

0:18:250:18:27

I want as much Bollywood as possible here in London.

0:18:270:18:31

I love him trying to coast it. It's that Boris thing.

0:18:310:18:33

HE MUMBLES CONFIDENTLY

0:18:330:18:35

Nothing.

0:18:370:18:39

Back to Jeremy Corbyn,

0:18:390:18:40

who has finally managed to get to grips with some modern technology.

0:18:400:18:43

Here's his latest post on Snapchat.

0:18:430:18:45

The EYES have it!

0:18:490:18:51

I think that's the pin-code cam. That's the shot from...

0:18:520:18:56

It looks like he's canvassing his own headquarters

0:18:570:18:59

and they don't want him.

0:18:590:19:02

"No, thank you. We're voting Tory."

0:19:020:19:03

Labour launched an election poster on Tuesday.

0:19:040:19:07

Do you know what the slogan was?

0:19:070:19:08

"Please!"

0:19:080:19:09

"We're all a little bit racist."

0:19:130:19:15

APPLAUSE

0:19:180:19:20

The slogan on the poster was...

0:19:250:19:26

So no matter who you are or what you want, Labour agrees with you.

0:19:290:19:33

Which is reassuring but also, unfortunately,

0:19:330:19:37

totally meaningless.

0:19:370:19:39

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was recently ridiculed

0:19:390:19:42

for going with the slogan...

0:19:420:19:44

LAUGHTER

0:19:460:19:48

Bonus point for anyone who can come up

0:19:510:19:53

with a more meaningless slogan than that.

0:19:530:19:56

"Together, we're apart."

0:19:560:19:58

"Vote with your heart, not with your head,

0:20:000:20:02

"but most importantly, with your hand."

0:20:020:20:05

LAUGHTER

0:20:050:20:06

LAUGHTER

0:20:070:20:08

What have the Conservatives been accused of spending money on

0:20:100:20:12

that they shouldn't have?

0:20:120:20:14

Blue sausages.

0:20:140:20:16

LAUGHTER

0:20:160:20:17

They've been accused of bussing campaigners into marginal

0:20:190:20:21

constituencies and putting them up in hotels during the 2015

0:20:210:20:24

-general election, and not declaring the expenses.

-Ah!

0:20:240:20:28

Which could've been bad news for the career of former

0:20:280:20:30

Conservative Party chairman Grant Shapps.

0:20:300:20:32

But luckily, he already had to resign over a completely different scandal.

0:20:320:20:36

LAUGHTER

0:20:360:20:37

Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city has come

0:20:370:20:40

to an end after eight years.

0:20:400:20:42

So let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office

0:20:420:20:46

with a Goodbye Boris Buzzer Round.

0:20:460:20:49

GUESTS AND AUDIENCE GIVE A CHEER

0:20:490:20:50

Is there any special music? No?

0:20:500:20:52

-We'll put something on after.

-OK, fine.

0:20:520:20:54

-Eh...

-I'll pretend I'm dancing to it.

0:20:540:20:56

LAUGHTER

0:20:560:20:58

-That will cut in seamlessly.

-Beautiful(!)

0:21:010:21:03

What is going on here?

0:21:030:21:05

LAUGHTER

0:21:060:21:08

BUZZER Yes, Ian?

0:21:080:21:10

"I am thick as..."

0:21:100:21:11

LAUGHTER

0:21:110:21:12

"These contraceptive devices don't work."

0:21:140:21:16

LAUGHTER

0:21:160:21:17

JANET CACKLES

0:21:190:21:20

What about this one?

0:21:200:21:22

-IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

-Who's the jerk?

0:21:220:21:24

LAUGHTER

0:21:240:21:26

I made a documentary with Arnie when he was still a bodybuilder,

0:21:260:21:29

and he did a film called Stay Hungry, and he came over to Britain.

0:21:290:21:33

I took him to Gordon's Gym in Plumstead...

0:21:330:21:36

and somewhere, there's a picture of me sitting on Arnie's arm.

0:21:360:21:39

We've actually got that photo of you with Arnie, Janet. Let's have a look.

0:21:410:21:45

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:450:21:46

-Very embarrassing.

-Was he charming?

0:21:540:21:56

He was great. On the way to the gym, we had to stop at a Greggs

0:21:560:21:59

and he ate 24 doughnuts.

0:21:590:22:01

LAUGHTER

0:22:010:22:02

-IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER:

-I love Greggs doughnuts. I must eat them.

0:22:040:22:08

-CONTINUING:

-You have Jammie Dodgers? I have world championship coming up.

0:22:080:22:11

LAUGHTER What about this next one?

0:22:110:22:14

BUZZER

0:22:140:22:16

-Yes, Ian?

-That's Boris Johnson having trouble with his zip.

0:22:160:22:18

LAUGHTER

0:22:180:22:20

Thank you(!)

0:22:200:22:21

LAUGHTER

0:22:210:22:22

-He got trapped on a zip wire.

-Yes.

-And anybody else,

0:22:230:22:27

it would've been the end of his career, but with Boris,

0:22:270:22:29

everyone went, "Look! He's got stuck on a zip!"

0:22:290:22:31

-LAUGHTER

-"Isn't he brilliant?".

0:22:310:22:34

The time he was up there coincided with London running very smoothly.

0:22:340:22:36

LAUGHTER

0:22:360:22:39

He looks like a Ukip supporter bauble.

0:22:390:22:42

LAUGHTER

0:22:420:22:43

APPLAUSE

0:22:460:22:47

And finally....

0:22:490:22:51

CHORTLES AND LAUGHTER

0:22:510:22:52

LAUGHTER

0:22:550:22:56

Sorry. Sorry. No, that's... That's not Boris at all. Erm...

0:22:560:23:00

Although, a lot of people did notice the similarity when the picture

0:23:000:23:03

was posted on Twitter by an account called...

0:23:030:23:05

LAUGHTER

0:23:070:23:09

I think that's a man in drag, actually, the more I look at it.

0:23:100:23:14

Well, that was sort of the gag.

0:23:140:23:16

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:160:23:17

Yes, this is Donald Trump's triumph in Indiana.

0:23:220:23:24

This week, Donald Trump made the bizarre claim that

0:23:240:23:27

Ted Cruz's father was linked to the assassination of JFK.

0:23:270:23:30

A foolish move, even by Trump's standards, as it reminded people

0:23:300:23:34

that if all else fails, presidents CAN be assassinated.

0:23:340:23:37

LAUGHTER

0:23:370:23:39

Donald Trump has demanded an apology from David Cameron

0:23:400:23:43

for describing Trump as...

0:23:430:23:44

..failing to realise, those are the very qualities David Cameron

0:23:460:23:49

values most in a Cabinet Minister.

0:23:490:23:51

CHUCKLING

0:23:510:23:53

APPLAUSE

0:23:540:23:55

Meanwhile, Britain has been in the grip of local election fever.

0:23:580:24:01

IAN LAUGHS This recording is...

0:24:010:24:04

LAUGHTER

0:24:040:24:05

No, it hasn't!

0:24:050:24:07

LAUGHTER

0:24:070:24:09

-At a mild temperature, perhaps.

-Yeah.

0:24:090:24:11

As the polls opened, Labour mobilised thousands

0:24:110:24:14

of volunteers who were soon pounding the streets, knocking on doors,

0:24:140:24:18

desperately trying to find Ken Livingstone, sedate him

0:24:180:24:20

and lock him in a cupboard.

0:24:200:24:22

LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:24

So at the end of that round...

0:24:240:24:26

-two points each!

-Hooray!

-That's very good.

0:24:260:24:28

APPLAUSE

0:24:280:24:30

HE MOUTHS WORDS

0:24:320:24:34

Now, on to Round 2.

0:24:380:24:39

This week, we are delving into some of the latest breakthroughs

0:24:390:24:42

-from the cutting edge of science and technology.

-Oh, yes?

0:24:420:24:45

So, let's fire up...

0:24:450:24:48

the Newsatron!

0:24:480:24:49

CHEERING

0:24:490:24:51

LAUGHTER

0:24:530:24:54

That looks like the cheapest prop from Doctor Who.

0:24:540:24:57

LAUGHTER

0:24:570:24:58

Oh, we had cheaper ones than this!

0:24:580:24:59

LAUGHTER

0:24:590:25:01

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here we go.

0:25:010:25:03

WHIRRING BUZZ

0:25:030:25:06

GAME SHOW THEME STYLE JINGLE

0:25:070:25:09

LAUGHTER

0:25:090:25:11

BUZZER

0:25:120:25:13

Yeees! Paul.

0:25:130:25:15

Eric Pickles has been reincarnated.

0:25:150:25:17

LAUGHTER

0:25:170:25:18

APPLAUSE

0:25:190:25:21

It's 'Labradors are 'flabaradors'.

0:25:210:25:24

They're the fattest pets.

0:25:240:25:26

Boffins say that poor old Labradors have got a genetic predisposition.

0:25:260:25:31

Every time they see a plate of food, they have to eat it and they have

0:25:310:25:34

to beg for food the entire time.

0:25:340:25:35

So that makes them exactly like 75% of the British population!

0:25:350:25:39

LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:40

Is absolutely the correct answer.

0:25:400:25:43

After testing their drool... Nice(!)

0:25:430:25:45

..scientists at Cambridge University found that 25% of Labradors

0:25:450:25:49

carried a faulty gene that means they're programmed to overeat.

0:25:490:25:52

And what's the upside of this gene?

0:25:520:25:55

How can you exploit it?

0:25:550:25:57

How can you exploit fat Labradors, essentially?

0:25:570:26:00

Erm... Make young offenders carry them.

0:26:000:26:03

LAUGHTER

0:26:030:26:05

PAUL IS MUTED BY LAUGHTER

0:26:050:26:06

"It's a Labrador for you, me old son."

0:26:070:26:10

I can't think.

0:26:100:26:11

-Well, it makes them easier to train.

-Does it?!

-Yes!

0:26:110:26:14

Because they're more motivated to work for a titbit.

0:26:140:26:17

Shall we have a look at a Labrador recovering

0:26:170:26:19

-after a gruelling training session?

-I think we should.

0:26:190:26:21

ODD SNORING

0:26:210:26:23

LAUGHTER

0:26:230:26:25

SNORING CONTINUES

0:26:250:26:26

SNORING CONTINUES

0:26:290:26:31

Sounds like Boris Johnson's telling his wife that he can't

0:26:310:26:34

remember where he stayed last night.

0:26:340:26:35

LAUGHTER

0:26:350:26:37

APPLAUSE

0:26:380:26:41

IAN CHUCKLES

0:26:410:26:43

That's not somebody round the corner with a vacuum cleaner, is it?

0:26:430:26:47

-Labra-snore.

-'Labra-snore'.

0:26:470:26:48

-There we are, that's why he's the editor of Private Eye.

-Yeah.

0:26:480:26:51

-LAUGHTER

-Hoping for The Sun job!

0:26:510:26:53

Experts studied drool from 310 fat dogs.

0:26:540:26:58

If you want to collect drool from a fat cat,

0:26:580:27:01

that's normally on Kate Moss's neck after a Philip Green party.

0:27:010:27:04

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:27:040:27:05

GLASSES MAKE MUSICAL 'DING' SOUND

0:27:050:27:07

LAUGHTER

0:27:070:27:09

According to the research, Labradors are...

0:27:090:27:11

As opposed to other dogs, who will only eat high-protein food,

0:27:140:27:17

all other food and sick off the pavement.

0:27:170:27:20

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one!

0:27:230:27:25

WHIRRING BUZZ

0:27:250:27:28

BUZZER Ian.

0:27:310:27:33

-Erm, so...

-Oh, no, sorry.

-It was Phil!

0:27:330:27:35

We get mixed up a lot.

0:27:350:27:37

LAUGHTER

0:27:370:27:38

Top boffins have said that The Borrowers could never happen.

0:27:390:27:44

Because of scaling, it would happen with shrinking a human down.

0:27:440:27:47

The surface area wouldn't be right, and they'd lose too much heat

0:27:470:27:50

and they wouldn't be able to maintain their heat,

0:27:500:27:52

and they'd just freeze to death and they'd all be blind and deaf.

0:27:520:27:55

-I find that really funny.

-That's exactly right!

0:27:550:27:57

This is news that scientists have proved that, if a human was the size

0:27:570:28:01

of one of the characters in The Borrowers,

0:28:010:28:03

they wouldn't be very well.

0:28:030:28:04

Phil, you did computer engineering.

0:28:050:28:07

Mechanical engineering. Did some computer stuff, yeah.

0:28:070:28:10

OK. Does 'interaural time difference' mean anything to you?

0:28:100:28:13

That's what we got up to on the weekend!

0:28:130:28:15

APPLAUSE

0:28:180:28:19

It is the adjustment your brain makes for sound to reach

0:28:190:28:22

the left and right ears, and if you were that tiny,

0:28:220:28:24

it'd be totally out of whack.

0:28:240:28:26

-Would anybody like to be a Borrower for a day?

-No, no.

0:28:260:28:29

Does it appeal? Er, no.

0:28:290:28:31

-Not that you've heard of the interaural time difference!

-Exactly.

0:28:310:28:34

I won't be able to hear what people are saying,

0:28:340:28:35

your heart won't work properly... It's no good.

0:28:350:28:38

With current interest rates, no, thank you.

0:28:380:28:39

-CHUCKLING

-No.

0:28:390:28:41

-APPLAUSE

-Sorry.

0:28:450:28:47

-They're very low, actually.

-I should research

0:28:490:28:51

before I come on the programme.

0:28:510:28:53

Finally, despite what these scientists might be claiming,

0:28:530:28:56

how did a real-life Borrower nearly miss out on a job this week?

0:28:560:28:59

There aren't any real-life Borrowers!

0:28:590:29:02

After a typo in his job application, a Mr O'Neill had to get a doctor's

0:29:020:29:06

certificate to prove that he...

0:29:060:29:08

..which worried his new employer,

0:29:120:29:14

as this meant his body mass index was...

0:29:140:29:17

LAUGHTER

0:29:180:29:20

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here we go.

0:29:200:29:22

BUZZING WHIR

0:29:220:29:24

-BUZZER

-Snoring.

0:29:290:29:31

-Yes!

-They found a cure.

0:29:310:29:33

I thought it was euthanasia.

0:29:330:29:35

It is indeed the news scientists have discovered

0:29:370:29:39

a revolutionary new cure if your partner snores, which involves...

0:29:390:29:42

Also a handy solution if you're just tired of them being alive.

0:29:440:29:47

According to the Daily Mail,

0:29:490:29:50

scientists have developed a new anti-snoring device, which is...

0:29:500:29:54

Surely the last thing you want in bed is a sticky patch.

0:29:550:29:59

HESITANT LAUGHTER

0:29:590:30:02

I can wait.

0:30:020:30:04

-LAUGHTER

-Loose Women's on soon.

0:30:040:30:07

-Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-We must get this.

0:30:070:30:10

BUZZER

0:30:130:30:14

There's no bicycles in heaven.

0:30:140:30:16

-LAUGHTER

-There are bicycles in heaven.

0:30:160:30:19

A guy designed the world's first hover-bike.

0:30:190:30:22

There you go. That's right. Yes.

0:30:220:30:24

An amateur inventor called Colin Furze

0:30:240:30:26

has built a working hover-bike in his garden shed.

0:30:260:30:29

Essentially, it's a couple of drones, isn't it, he's got?

0:30:340:30:36

-Yeah.

-Is it a bike, though?

0:30:360:30:39

He's so pleased to be alive.

0:30:420:30:44

-Do you think that's a glimpse of the future?

-No.

0:30:450:30:48

Essentially, this won't catch on

0:30:480:30:50

because it's a stupid thing.

0:30:500:30:51

LAUGHTER

0:30:510:30:53

Yes, this is the news that an amateur inventor called Colin Furze

0:30:530:30:56

has built a working hover-bike in his garden shed.

0:30:560:30:59

Furze told Sky News...

0:30:590:31:01

And he was instantly offered a job by Uber.

0:31:070:31:09

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

0:31:110:31:13

BUZZER

0:31:180:31:20

-Is it something to do with his phone?

-It is, yes.

0:31:200:31:22

He's holding his phone. Is it an app?

0:31:220:31:24

No, it's not an app.

0:31:240:31:26

Is it people are crossing the road without looking,

0:31:260:31:28

so they're going to put traffic lights on the floor.

0:31:280:31:30

You've worked it out, yes, very good.

0:31:300:31:32

-APPLAUSE

-Is that what it is?

0:31:320:31:34

-Ah.

-Brilliant.

-There we are.

0:31:340:31:37

This is the news that a town in Germany

0:31:370:31:39

is putting traffic lights in the pavement,

0:31:390:31:41

so people busy texting won't get run over.

0:31:410:31:44

Yes, this is the German town of Augsburg,

0:31:440:31:47

which has installed traffic lights on the ground

0:31:470:31:50

to stop texters wandering onto the tram tracks.

0:31:500:31:53

To warn pedestrians,

0:31:530:31:54

there are 16 red LED lights embedded in the pavement,

0:31:540:31:57

and to make sure Germans spot them...

0:31:570:31:59

..and the shape of a sausage.

0:32:020:32:03

Which means, at the end of this round...

0:32:050:32:08

-Paul and Janet have four. Ian and Phil have five.

-Yes!

0:32:080:32:11

APPLAUSE

0:32:110:32:14

Time now for the Odd One Out round,

0:32:180:32:20

it's just one between you this week.

0:32:200:32:21

Your four are...

0:32:210:32:23

Sir Philip Green,

0:32:230:32:24

John Virgo and Jim Davidson,

0:32:240:32:25

Sir Winston Churchill

0:32:250:32:27

and Cavity Sam.

0:32:270:32:28

Is it yachts?

0:32:290:32:31

No.

0:32:310:32:32

They all have a heart...

0:32:320:32:34

except Sir Philip.

0:32:340:32:36

LAUGHTER

0:32:360:32:38

John Virgo was told off

0:32:380:32:40

for swearing live during snooker.

0:32:400:32:43

You're right, John Virgo was caught out during the snooker championships.

0:32:430:32:48

It wasn't John's fault.

0:32:480:32:49

The microphones were left up and, crucially, someone was still awake,

0:32:490:32:52

so... LAUGHTER

0:32:520:32:54

..he can't be blamed.

0:32:540:32:56

But that's not the right answer. I'm swinging it back across.

0:32:560:32:58

-Can we have a clue?

-Mousetrap.

0:32:580:33:00

Mousetrap?

0:33:000:33:02

They've all had board games made of themselves.

0:33:020:33:05

Is nudging very close to the correct answer.

0:33:050:33:08

They have all had a board game, apart from...

0:33:080:33:10

Sir Philip Green.

0:33:100:33:11

Is the correct answer.

0:33:110:33:12

They've all featured in a board game,

0:33:120:33:14

apart from Sir Phillip Green,

0:33:140:33:16

whose businesses appeared on a specially-made Monopoly set

0:33:160:33:18

given to him by his wife Tina on his 50th birthday.

0:33:180:33:21

That's brilliant.

0:33:210:33:23

According to the Sunday Times, in 2003...

0:33:230:33:25

Is that corner square still there?

0:33:340:33:36

Where it says, "Go to jail?"

0:33:360:33:38

"Go directly to jail, do not take a knighthood."

0:33:380:33:42

The Parliamentary committee on pensions

0:33:420:33:45

has insisted that Sir Phillip Green must meet

0:33:450:33:47

them to face questions.

0:33:470:33:49

How has he reacted to that? What has he done?

0:33:490:33:51

He has agreed. He has a terrible greed!

0:33:510:33:54

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, sorry.

0:33:570:33:59

Jim Davidson and John Virgo

0:33:590:34:01

featured in the board game spin-off

0:34:010:34:02

from the TV show Big Break.

0:34:020:34:04

A point if you can sing the theme.

0:34:040:34:06

For two points, I won't sing it.

0:34:060:34:09

I can't even remember how it went, I'm afraid.

0:34:090:34:11

My knowledge of trivia doesn't always extend that far.

0:34:110:34:13

-What was it called?

-# It's only a game so

0:34:130:34:15

# Put up a real good fight

0:34:150:34:17

-Is it Captain Sensible?

-# I'm going to be snookering you

0:34:170:34:19

# Snookering you tonight Big Break! #

0:34:190:34:21

Thank you.

0:34:210:34:22

APPLAUSE

0:34:220:34:24

You're seriously giving him a round of applause?

0:34:270:34:30

He begged for it, didn't he?

0:34:300:34:32

Yeah. Cravenly.

0:34:320:34:34

According to Wikipedia...

0:34:340:34:36

And that's it. The other six... remain a mystery.

0:34:430:34:48

-The Winston Churchill board game, I played that as a boy.

-Oh, yeah?

0:34:480:34:52

Took five years, but we got there in the end.

0:34:520:34:55

-You played it on the beaches, didn't you?

-We did!

0:34:560:35:00

APPLAUSE

0:35:000:35:02

Anyone have an idea of the rules?

0:35:040:35:05

Are you leader of Britain during World War II? Kinda.

0:35:050:35:09

Do you just make mean quips to fat women?

0:35:090:35:11

It recreates the tension and drama of the conferences between

0:35:150:35:18

Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin towards the end of World War II.

0:35:180:35:22

One review states...

0:35:220:35:24

So you go through the lot? Yalta, Potsdam, all the way through?

0:35:310:35:35

Oh, this is fantastic!

0:35:350:35:37

I just can't wait. Come on, get on with it.

0:35:400:35:42

How have gamemakers added extra jeopardy to

0:35:430:35:47

Churchill, The Board Game?

0:35:470:35:49

Do you drink at the same time?

0:35:490:35:50

They have a card that means Churchill has a heart attack.

0:35:520:35:56

Stalin's staff members are liquidated

0:35:580:36:02

and FDR might simply...die.

0:36:020:36:04

There's also a new app being launched of Churchill Solitaire.

0:36:060:36:10

Interestingly, the app was devised

0:36:100:36:13

by 84-year-old Donald Rumsfeld. Yes, that one.

0:36:130:36:16

Although, what he'd actually said to staff was, "I want a nap".

0:36:160:36:20

Cavity Sam was the name given to the character on the table

0:36:230:36:27

in the game Operation. What are the rules in Operation?

0:36:270:36:30

You have to remove important parts until the NHS is dead.

0:36:300:36:33

The BBC also released a Doctor Who version of Operation,

0:36:360:36:39

where you operate on a Dalek. Wish I'd had a cut of that,

0:36:390:36:42

I could be doing Shakespeare tonight, instead of this shit!

0:36:420:36:45

It wasn't shit before you got here!

0:36:490:36:51

Time now for the missing words round,

0:36:550:36:57

which this week features as its guest publication

0:36:570:37:00

Bottleship Magazine,

0:37:000:37:01

The magazine of the European Association Of Ships In Bottles.

0:37:010:37:06

You'll get into it, but you won't know how.

0:37:060:37:08

And we start with...

0:37:100:37:12

Zoo will let you - what? - for 10.

0:37:120:37:15

Tickle a tortoise.

0:37:150:37:17

Kiss a panda, or something like that.

0:37:170:37:19

-Shoot the animals.

-Shoot the animals for 10?!

0:37:190:37:22

What sort of business plan would that be?

0:37:220:37:25

"We ain't got any animals, but we got 40 here!"

0:37:250:37:28

Zoo will let you name a cockroach after your ex!

0:37:310:37:34

Why can't I see my family?

0:37:460:37:48

"How on earth are they doing it?" and "Why?"

0:37:520:37:54

They either say "Wow, that's fantastic," or "What a tremendous waste of time."

0:37:540:37:58

It's pretty much correct. They either say, "Gosh, that's amazing,"

0:37:580:38:02

"Oh, it's easy, you just pull a string."

0:38:020:38:05

This is from a report on the Annual Bottleship Convention.

0:38:050:38:08

One delegate wrote of the convention...

0:38:080:38:11

Really several ladies were there?

0:38:140:38:17

Next. Outrage as - what? - replaced by piece of cardboard?

0:38:180:38:22

Family planning advice!

0:38:220:38:24

I'm sorry!

0:38:260:38:28

You're sorry? How d'you think I feel?

0:38:280:38:31

Russia's eternal flame. Yeah.

0:38:360:38:39

One of Russia's commemorative eternal flames was replaced

0:38:390:38:42

with a cardboard cut-out, hoping no-one would notice.

0:38:420:38:45

Here it is.

0:38:450:38:46

Next, Bottleship editor Alan Rogers just assumed everyone - what?

0:38:480:38:53

Knew the secret.

0:38:530:38:55

Everyone was gay.

0:38:550:38:57

On television.

0:38:580:39:00

Which is more or less the truth.

0:39:000:39:02

He just assumed everyone was using Blu-Tack.

0:39:020:39:05

That's a good birth control device.

0:39:050:39:08

Blu-Tack?

0:39:080:39:10

-Instead of cardboard.

-Does it work?

0:39:100:39:13

It's worked for me.

0:39:130:39:15

Do you need a hand getting off that chair afterwards.

0:39:200:39:23

Just being a gentleman.

0:39:270:39:29

The BBC do not recommend Blu-Tack as a contraceptive.

0:39:290:39:33

Other sticky contraceptives are available.

0:39:330:39:37

Yes, Alan Rogers explains at great length how useful Blu-Tack

0:39:390:39:43

is in constructing a ship in a bottle.

0:39:430:39:46

Alan is well-known for his love of proverbs.

0:39:460:39:49

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:39:570:39:58

He said, to an empty room...

0:39:580:40:00

And, finally, Thanks to - what? - milkman makes a comeback?

0:40:040:40:08

Milk!

0:40:080:40:09

In bottles!

0:40:090:40:10

Milk in bottles!

0:40:100:40:12

Yeah! In trendy parts of London, they want, erm, milk in bottles

0:40:120:40:17

-because it's somehow "real".

-Yes.

0:40:170:40:19

Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twat.

0:40:240:40:28

APPLAUSE

0:40:290:40:32

It is worth it just for that joke.

0:40:320:40:34

Yeah, yeah. We got there.

0:40:340:40:36

So, the final scores are - it's a draw, six points each!

0:40:360:40:41

Hooray! Fantastic!

0:40:410:40:43

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

0:40:470:40:50

Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.

0:40:500:40:53

I leave you with news

0:40:530:40:54

that at a stand-up comedy festival in Gloucester,

0:40:540:40:56

dozens walk out as Britain's edgiest comic

0:40:560:40:59

crosses the line once too often.

0:40:590:41:01

In Westminster, after another U-turn,

0:41:050:41:08

David Cameron is spotted looking for new policy ideas.

0:41:080:41:11

And as the British archery team unveil their squad for Rio,

0:41:140:41:17

they begin to regret that Vivienne Westwood

0:41:170:41:20

was asked to design the official Olympic kit.

0:41:200:41:22

Goodnight!

0:41:270:41:29

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS