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This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week, | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
on a building site in Manchester | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
after a construction worker is injured in a fall, | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
the main culprit tries to sneak away from the scene. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
Following Donald Trump's shock victory, | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
the youth wing of the Ku Klux Klan | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
slightly jumped the gun with a visit to Washington. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
And in the grounds of Windsor Castle, a furious Kate Middleton | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
wonders where the hell Princess Charlotte's buggy's gone. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who in one show | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
lambasted posh white men as the cause of all Britain's problems. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
Yeah, well, that's as may be. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
You just try holding a boat race without them. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
Please welcome Nish Kumar. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
who says she spent many of her evenings as a teenager | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
leafleting for the Labour Party, | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
although her parents told friends she was in prison. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Please welcome Jess Phillips MP. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
And we start with the biggest stories of the week. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Ian and Nish, take a look at this. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
-Oh, yes, the Chancellor flying an aeroplane. -The Autumn Statement. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
-It's jam. -Erm, that is not scientific. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
The big news of the Autumn Statement | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
-is that he's cancelling the Autumn Statement. -That's right, yes. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
That's a pretty gangsta move, like, to come out and be like, | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
"What is your Autumn Statement?" | 0:02:12 | 0:02:13 | |
"This is the last one. Mic drop. Hammond out." | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
-Tell me something not boring about Philip Hammond. -Ohhh... | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
-Can you tell us something not boring? -He... | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
He's a champion water-skier. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
-He used to run a nightclub. -What? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
That must have been the worst nightclub ever. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
Was it Cinatra's with a C? | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
Just listen to what this lady has to say. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
I remember going round to his house once. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
We got hold of half a bottle of sherry | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
and, erm, proceeded to drink it and, very randomly, | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
we ended up having a bit of a cheeky snog. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
MUSIC: Bang A Gong (Get It On) by T. Rex. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:55 | |
Who'd have thought that Philip Hammond was such a good kisser? | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
Literally no-one. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
I mean, in that photo, he looks like the guy that did it in all films. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
But to be fair, he's the only one that's bothered to turn up in focus. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
"To other kids, it doesn't matter, you know..." | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
Well, we saw some jam there. What was the jam all about? | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
It's a new acronym for the Government - | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Just About Managing, and it describes their performance. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
The fact is we're in unbelievable debt. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
We're in even more debt than we've ever been. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
£2 trillion of debt, which we're going to have to pay off. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
All those years of austerity and we've just given up. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
I don't want to be gloomy. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Cos if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
The Chancellor's only just keeping his job. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
People saying, "Oh, for God's sake, Hammond, can't you cheer up? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
"Tell us that the weather's lovely." | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
"But it isn't. Winter's coming." | 0:03:52 | 0:03:56 | |
People are angry with him because he's... | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
The growth forecasts are lower | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
and the forecasts for our national debt | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
are going to be much higher than previously projected, | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
and he's getting a lot of this information | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
from the Office For Budget Responsibility | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
and their figures are a lot gloomier in the aftermath of Brexit, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
and Jacob Rees-Mogg was interviewed on Newsnight and he said... | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
he quoted Cicero and he said, "There's nothing so absurd | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
"that it hasn't been said by some philosopher." | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
And something else Cicero said was, "Do not listen to Jacob Rees-Mogg!" | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
Oh, don't! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
Let's have a quick look at Jacob now. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
Here is Jacob making his pronouncement. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
There is a great line from Cicero, "There is nothing so absurd | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
"that it hasn't been said by some philosopher," | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
and I think suspicion of experts goes back into antiquity | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
and it's a very healthy thing to have. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
Experts, soothsayers, astrologers are all in much the same category. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:53 | |
He is not a real person! That is not a real person! | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
That is Sacha Baron Cohen doing a character! | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
But I love Jacob! | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
So, how is Hammond going to help the Just About Managing? | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
-What's he going to do? -He's borrowing lots of money. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
He's reversing some of the cuts and he's going to build roads | 0:05:10 | 0:05:15 | |
-and houses and infrastructure. -Upping the minimum wage. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
Upping the minimum wage. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:18 | |
He's doing lots of things that quite a lot of people agree with, | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
which is sort of his job. He's meant to be quite boring. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Erm, and to make everyone feel calm. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
And that there isn't going to be a disaster. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
-Unfortunately, Mrs May used the term "the cliff edge". -Yes, that's right. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
"We don't want to go up to the cliff edge," | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
and you're thinking, "Hang on, he's telling us to calm down and... | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
"Oh, my God, there's a cliff edge!" But... | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
That's right, Theresa May said she does not want... | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
No, well, that's sound. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Some people DO want to go off a cliff edge, though. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Who are the people who like the cliff edge? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
-Is it Iain Duncan Smith? -Ooh, yes. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Richard Tice from the Leave Means Leave group, he likes it. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
He says we need a quick transition to Brexit to avoid uncertainty, | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
whereas Paul Nuttall, the UKIP leadership candidate, | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
says, "There is no cliff. It's a springboard." | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
He can be the first one off, then! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
You try it first. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
Philip Hammond, of course, has been debating public spending | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
for a long time, as we can see from this clip. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
-This is a clip from 2010. -Oh! | 0:06:14 | 0:06:15 | |
I don't think any party has identified in detail | 0:06:15 | 0:06:19 | |
how they will reduce public spending | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
over the course of the coming Parliament. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
The question to the Labour Party, to Peppa, if I may, | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
is you have all the civil servants, you have all the data, | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
you're sitting on all the contracts, | 0:06:30 | 0:06:31 | |
you know all the forward commitments. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
Why have you not published a comprehensive spending review? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
She has no answer! | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
-Hammond has spent £1.3 billion on something. -Yes. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
What was that? What would you do with 1.3...? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
-Ballet lessons. -No, no. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
Paid it off. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
-Potholes, spent it on potholes, yeah. -That much on potholes? | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
1.3 billion to fix all the potholes in the country. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
Anyway, so there was great news around Brexit Britain. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
Come on, libtards, come on, let's cheer up! Come on! It's great news. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
Let's look on the bright side. Now, what's the bright side? | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
-Brexit's going to cost us... -No, the bright side, the bright side. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
-Oh, sorry. -Jobs are up. -Yes. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
Facebook and Google are expanding. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
They're creating hundreds of jobs - in tax avoidance, mainly. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
Erm... | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
What does the Daily Star claim are coming down? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
-Prices. -Exactly - prices are coming down. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
This Friday, there's going to be | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
a Bumper Black Friday Brexit Bonanza discount. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
We're not doing that again, are we? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
Yes. It's to cheer up Britain and, in anticipation... | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
-That's why it's called Black Friday? -Yeah. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
What are Morrisons supermarket hiring several of? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:38 | |
-Assassins. -This is... | 0:07:38 | 0:07:39 | |
They're going to cull the shoppers. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
"We haven't got enough yoghurt to sell to everybody." | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Morrisons are hiring... | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
How has Boris been upsetting the Europeans this week? | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
His diplomatic skills aren't meant to be terribly good. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
He... | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
He went into a meeting with the Italians and said, | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
"Well, if you don't let us have access to the market without freedom of movement, | 0:08:05 | 0:08:09 | |
"then we won't buy any more of your prosecco." | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
And the Italian got very upset | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
and they gave an interview to a Czech newspaper | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
and said that their view was bollocks. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
That's not a translation from the Czech, | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
it's what he actually said. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
And everyone said, "This man is, A, not diplomatic | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
"and, B, is offending us... on all levels." | 0:08:25 | 0:08:29 | |
I mean, to reduce Italy down to prosecco... What about Parmesan? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:34 | |
Yes. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:35 | |
Who's planning on making a comeback? | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
Des O'Connor. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
To be fair, he never went away. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
-Tony Blair. -Tony Blair, yes. -Blair? Fantastic news! | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
A source told the Sunday Times... | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
I can think of one. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:52 | |
I mean, are you desperate enough to welcome him back? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
I mean, I suppose the Labour Party's having a bit of a tough time, | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
but I'm not entirely sure he's the answer to that particular question. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:05 | |
You don't think he'd come back and be popular? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Well, it's difficult to say. He won three elections, didn't he? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
So he's more popular than we've been for some time. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
Erm... | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
But, yeah, I mean, I think that... | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
It's not the person I would have picked, but there we go. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
But meanwhile, I mean, Labour must just be rubbing their hands | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
at the disarray the Government finds themselves in. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
Just landing some careful blows. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
-That's right, it's a precision team. -Yeah. What...? | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
What has Jeremy Corbyn's response been? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
I'm not entirely sure. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
I don't even know the answer. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
There have been a couple of gnomic tweets from him. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
-Perhaps you can interpret these for us. -Oh, yeah, the tweets, yeah. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
Here's one. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:47 | |
Is that a cryptic crossword clue? | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
People of Birmingham Yardley speak of little else. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
I just think no response is better, because after the sort of... | 0:10:17 | 0:10:21 | |
In the immediate aftermath of the EU referendum, | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
it was kind of impressive, the way that the Labour Party looked | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
at the Conservatives in turmoil and didn't think, | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
"Oh, we can use this to our advantage," and instead just went, | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
"You call that political disarray? | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
"Sit down, let the professionals show you how it's done!" | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
This is Philip Hammond's first Autumn Statement as Chancellor. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
Well, actually, it's his second. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
His first statement was just, "Oh, shit." | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
Theresa May has inspired the acronym Jam for those who are... | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
Although, for some reason she hasn't come up with | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
a term yet for those fat cats who are... | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
The British economy broke a new record this week | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
as the national debt soared to... | 0:11:08 | 0:11:09 | |
Which sounds like a lot, but don't worry - | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
at the current exchange rate, that's only just over 100. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:17 | |
According to the Sun, as the Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell, | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
made his statement... | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
To be fair, they were monitoring the financial markets, | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
except for Keith Vaz, who I suspect was on Grindr. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
Paul and Jess, have this. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
This is obviously the story of Nigel Farage being appointed | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
by Twitter by Donald Trump to potentially be the ambassador | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
between the UK and the US, | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
which would make Nigel Farage an economic migrant. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:53 | |
And Theresa May basically saying, | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
"I'm UKIP enough by myself, I don't need Nigel Farage's help." | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
And saying, "There is no vacancy | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
"for migrant-hating racists in my..." | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
-Administration. -"..administration," yes, so... | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
-There's enough. -Yeah, there's plenty. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Because last week we weren't on because it was Children With Knees | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
-and we had... -LAUGHTER | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
But I have not read a paper, so this just sounds all so absurd. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:22 | |
-Oh, there's more. -Is there more? | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
Yeah. Trump has proposed to the Queen... | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
-NISH: -Oh, God! -JESS: -Marriage? | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
..and she's accepted, and the wedding is next year. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:33 | |
They're going to have it in Trump Tower. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
-It's going to be fantastic. -Oh, I look forward to it. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
-Yeah, I'm best man. -Oh, are you? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:39 | |
-He hasn't actually appointed him. I mean... -No, but via Twitter. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
I mean, that's real, isn't it? | 0:12:44 | 0:12:45 | |
And the President isn't actually allowed to appoint | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
-our ambassador yet. -No, no. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
-Thankfully not. -NISH: -Not on Twitter. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
-If he does it on Facebook, it's legally binding. -Yeah. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
What was Farage's little girlish response to this? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
Well, he sort of said, "Oh, you know, | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
"they just don't recognise what brilliance I could offer to this," | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
and probably called her a fascist and said that she was | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
-moaning - that seems to be what he says about everything. -Yeah. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
He said... | 0:13:08 | 0:13:09 | |
Really? A bolt from the blue - really, Nigel? | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
Because according to the Daily Mail... | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
I think Farage had been there for days, don't you? | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
-JESS: -Yeah, waiting! | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
Isn't all this just a sort of, like, hoax, just to fool me, | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
that this stuff is happening? I mean, it's quite elaborate... | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
No, but I refuse to believe it. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:47 | |
It's a giant hoax, go on, it's a surprise, isn't it? What is it? | 0:13:47 | 0:13:51 | |
-No, what is it, what's happening? -Yeah, it was a tweet... | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
Is it a hoax on me, the whole thing? | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
-It's a hoax on us all. -A hoax on us all? OK. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
So, it was a late-night tweet from Trump. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Do you remember roughly what it said? | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
It said that many people think that Nigel Farage would make an excellent | 0:14:03 | 0:14:09 | |
ambassador between the UK and the US, or something along those lines. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
That's many in the sense of one. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:13 | |
I responded to Donald Trump and I said, "Name them." | 0:14:13 | 0:14:17 | |
This is exactly what he said... | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
Donald Trump doesn't even follow Nigel Farage on Twitter, | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
-which is a massive digital slap in the face. -Really? | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
Yeah, he doesn't even follow him, | 0:14:31 | 0:14:32 | |
so he doesn't think he's that great a job. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
He doesn't think he's got top bants online. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Do you remember Christopher Meyer, | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
-who was Tony Blair's ambassador to the US? -Yeah. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
-Do you remember what his instruction was? -Yeah. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
Get as drunk as possible, and then avoid everybody. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
-It was pretty nearly that. -Was it? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
He was told to, "Get as far up George Bush's arse as you can." | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
Exactly! "We want you to go..." | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
Is he allowed to use crampons? | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Is he? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:01 | |
So, that's the brief. Actually, maybe Nigel Farage is qualified. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
Well, Blair did it himself. He didn't actually need an ambassador. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
Now, who'd like to see a picture of Farage, | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
quite possibly the happiest moment in his life? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
-I think that's the door into Trump Tower. -It is fantastic. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
Have you seen the pictures of inside? | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
It's sort of late Gaddafi, the decor. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
Perhaps early Saddam, but it's... | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
It's a riot of vulgar dictator chic, it is. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
I mean, it's fantastic. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
I would watch a whole documentary series, with... | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
It's like Location, Location, Location, but it's you just | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
describing everything in relation to former dictators. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
"Oh, there is an absolute soupcon of Mao in here." | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
I'm afraid it would be me going around going, "Oh, dear..." | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
But is there a world in which Farage is right, | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
-that actually maybe he would be a...? -No. -Is he an asset at all? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
Because he gets on with Trump, he has the ear of Trump. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
Getting on with him is not a reason to be the ambassador of the UK. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:14 | |
Incidentally, can anyone tell me who said this? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
-NISH: -Was it Tony Blair? | 0:16:24 | 0:16:25 | |
-Nigel Farage said that. -It was Nigel Farage, exactly. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
-In a tweet last year. -Proving even he is sometimes right. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
Or very right, in his case... | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
Meanwhile, how is Theresa May's special relationship | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
-with Trump coming along? -Very good. -Very good. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
He said to her, "If you're ever over, do drop in." | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
I haven't even made that up, that was it. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
"If you're coming over, let me know." | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
That's what you say to the couple you don't like on holiday, isn't it? | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
Trump gave an interview to the New York Times this week. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
He broke one of his campaign promises in it. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
Do you know what that was? | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
-The wall's not going to be a wall, it's going to be a fence. -Fence. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Then a sign. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
Then an old man going, "Tchu, tchu, tchu." | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
-And he's not going to lock up Hillary. -That's the one, yes. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
Anyone would think this show's trying to cheer us all up. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
He dropped his threat to lock up Hillary Clinton. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
That's not going to go down well with the nutters, is it? | 0:17:20 | 0:17:24 | |
Did anyone catch any other gems from his interview? | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
He hasn't been locked up himself, so maybe he's feeling clement. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:30 | |
-Yeah. -Because Trump University settled the case. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
First president who's actually had to pay out for fraud. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:36 | |
He said... | 0:17:36 | 0:17:37 | |
There was an issue that some people were perhaps thinking | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
-might have been there to distract from this. -Yeah, it was Hamilton. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
Mike Pence went to a musical, and Mike Pence believes that | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
you can electrocute gay people until they're heterosexual again, | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
and he went to see a musical. | 0:17:58 | 0:17:59 | |
And unsurprisingly, the audience did not react favourably. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
I'm just thinking of the potential of the rhyme of Pence and fence. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:08 | |
-JESS: -Oh, yeah. -Don't you think that would...? Thank you. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
Rap, it's much easier than it looks. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
Another flurry of late-night tweets from Donald Trump. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
If an audience booing you demands an apology | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
then the people of Leamington Spa owe me a parade | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
after last Saturday. I can't... | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Mike Pence should try being a stand-up comedian. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
The things people... "You're awful." "This is dreadful." | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
"You're a huge disappointment to me and your father." It's just... | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
I did love the fact that Trump, in his tweet, said, | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
"The theatre is meant to be a safe space." | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
Rather ignores the history of the American presidency. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
Have you ever noticed how much alpha males like to touch | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
-each other, in the US? -Yeah, quite a lot. All the time. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
Noah Garfinkel on Twitter has noticed this. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
Let's see how many backslaps there are in this clip. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
Well, I think that's proof that Donald Trump believes in | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
diversity - it's not just women he grabs. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
"It's guys, you can grab 'em by the shoulder, hey, | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
"get 'em by the butt." | 0:19:49 | 0:19:50 | |
This is the suggestion from Donald Trump that Nigel Farage | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
should be the UK ambassador in Washington. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
Although last time he was asked about the Embassy situation, | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
Nigel Farage said, "OK, I'll take 20 if they don't have any Rothmans." | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
There's been speculation that Trump might give a job | 0:20:05 | 0:20:08 | |
to his son-in-law Jared Kushner, but according to the Telegraph... | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
Laws brought in by George Bush, or was it his dad? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
So, at the end of this round, it's two points each. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
Two points each, very good. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
And so to round two, the picture-spin quiz. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:37 | |
BUZZER | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
The royal family have been hit, like all of us, heavily with the finances | 0:20:43 | 0:20:47 | |
and they've started up a two-person do-it-yourself team. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
Liz and Phil - No Job Too Small. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
No, I think this must be about Buckingham Palace. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
It's got to be renovated at the cost of... | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
-£370 million, they say. -That will go up. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
-Yeah, it will. -There have been calls for the Queen | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
to contribute to the Buckingham Palace repair bill. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
She could write a cheque or she could do what she did | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
with Windsor Castle and burn it down for the insurance. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
But what's actually going to be done to the palace? | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
They are getting in Trump's designer... | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
and finally we're going to have a palace that actually looks like one. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:28 | |
It's going to be gold outside and leopardskin inside. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
The throne's being done up with peacock feathers and | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
proper bling, you know, all the way through. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
And there's a casino on Horse Guards Parade, | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
with one-armed bandits all the way and the Coldstream Guards | 0:21:40 | 0:21:44 | |
will play hits from Cats as you... | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
Prince Andrew's going to be an Elvis impersonator... | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
He's going to do Love Me Tender, you know, | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
as you hit the blackjack tables. So I can't wait, | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
I think it's going to be fantastic. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
According to the Guardian, the work will cover... | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
And even... | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
"If only," muttered Charles. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
But things have been going wrong already, haven't they? | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
Can you think of any other...? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:22 | |
Well, it's 70 years since they did anything there. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
-Yeah, no plumbing for 70 years. -Do you know, for example, | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
what happened in the Queen's en suite recently? | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
Ooh, she blocked it. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
According to the Guardian... | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
That's a narrow escape - one aggressive pull from | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
Prince Philip and it could have changed the course of history. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
But what hardship do visiting world leaders have to endure | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
-if they stay in the Orleans Suite? -They don't... | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
-They have to go down a corridor to the toilet. -That's right. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Could you imagine such horror? | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
You have to walk down with your toothbrush and your sponge bag. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
Yeah, like, in old sort of Wee Willie Winkie... | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
God, you might bump into Donald Trump at four in the morning | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
in his bathrobe. Ohh! What other dangers are lurking in the palace? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
-Rats. -I daresay. But structural dangers? -Oh, structural dangers. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:11 | |
-Ghosts. -There have been falling chunks. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
The Mail reported that one narrowly missed the Princess Royal and... | 0:23:13 | 0:23:17 | |
-I don't remember that story at the time. -I know, that's amazing! | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
Who discovered this week that they have | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
blue blood in their veins, unexpectedly? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
Oh, the bloke from EastEnders. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:34 | |
-I saw the trailer for it, Who Do You Think You Are? -Danny Dyer. -Is it? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
That's his name. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
Yeah, cockney geezer Danny Dyer discovered | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
that he is not only related to William the Conqueror | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
and Edward III, but he's also | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
-Henry VIII's advisor Thomas Cromwell's descendant. -Wow. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
What did he think about his newly found relations in the past? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:53 | |
What's his attitude to the Royals been? | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
He told the Guardian... | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
And what did Dyer do straight after he discovered this? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
Make another terrible gangster movie? | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
He went out and bought Wolf Hall, | 0:24:06 | 0:24:07 | |
based on the life of Thomas Cromwell. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
And he... | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
And now, now he can't stop seeing parallels, everywhere he looks. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
In fact, he drinks in the... | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
Yeah. Does he get a head on the pint of beer? | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
And finally, can you guess what Danny Dyer thinks of our | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
-Prime Minister, Theresa May? -Yeah, he thinks she's gorgeous. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
Fantastic, loves her shoes. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
She's a diamond geezer, what can I say about her? She's great. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
He thinks... | 0:24:36 | 0:24:37 | |
I know where he's coming from. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:44 | |
Yes, this is the renovation of Buckingham Palace | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
that is set to cost £370 million. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
Several of the gas boilers at Buckingham Palace need replacing | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
and of course the engineers who do it will have to be Corgi-approved. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
There was a joke in Private Eye that was very similar to that. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
-Do you remember it, Ian? -I do. It's in this issue. It was similar | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
in the sense of being identical. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
But I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to flog my | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
merchandise if, say, I had a Christmas album of songs. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:18 | |
I...I wouldn't bring it up. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
What's that I can hear? | 0:25:21 | 0:25:22 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
ALEXANDER: # Golden Brown | 0:25:24 | 0:25:25 | |
# Texture like sun | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
# Lays me down, with my mind she runs | 0:25:27 | 0:25:31 | |
# Throughout the night... # | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
I've played that song to my wife as a punishment. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
-You know it's a song about heroin, don't you? -I do, I do. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
I think it's a song about a state of mind. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
Caused by heroin. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:49 | |
I thought for years it was about Gordon Brown! | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Surely the lyric "Never a frown, with Gordon Brown..." | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
must have thrown you off the scent somewhat? | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
Thank you. Your Christmas annual must be out any day now... | 0:26:03 | 0:26:07 | |
My electronic tag comes off on Boxing Day. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
I'm looking forward to that happening. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
-SCATTERED APPLAUSE -Thank you very much, thank you. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:19 | 0:26:20 | |
It's the annual story, it comes round every year, which is funny | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
with annual stories... | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
Basically, Lapland gone wrong, it's always a disaster | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
-and somebody else has done it this year. -That's right, yes. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
Bakewell Winter Wonderland, for example, is nicknamed... | 0:26:30 | 0:26:34 | |
..after visitors paid £7 to trek through a muddy field, | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
only to find... | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
If this happens every year, do you think people just never learn? | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
If I set up Nigerian Minister Writes You A Letter Land... | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
..do you think people would come along and just give me their money? | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
One person compared the conditions slightly dramatically to... | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
Was there a £7 entry fee for that as well? | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
Nothing like a sense of proportion, is there? | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
Here's a picture of the scene... | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
The Magic Wellington Boot Table. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:09 | |
Why were the Woodward family particularly disappointed by | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
what was on offer? | 0:27:12 | 0:27:14 | |
-They'd come a long way. -They'd come a very long way, | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
all the way down from Sheffield with their caravan and... | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
But... | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
They did manage to pick up a few Christmas gifts, though, | 0:27:24 | 0:27:27 | |
at the stalls. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:28 | |
-Can you imagine what they picked up? -Chlamydia? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
The organisers posted an apology on Facebook, blaming... | 0:27:36 | 0:27:40 | |
Winter Wonderland in Barrow, Cumbria, was also criticised | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
this week - the ice rink flooded, the German market never materialised | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
and one mother said her children... | 0:27:48 | 0:27:49 | |
The Walk Home Land! | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
I can set that one up, too. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
You come to my field, there's nothing there. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
Just walk home! | 0:27:59 | 0:28:00 | |
Seven quid! I'll have that. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
-It's hard entertaining kids, though. -Yeah. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
Here is a child giving a particularly eloquent review | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
of a visit to a safari park. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
-DAD: -It's going to kick off here. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
-MUM: -Oh, my God. -DAD: -Oh, God. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
Yes, this is the annual story of a winter blunderland. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:29 | |
Angry parents said... | 0:28:29 | 0:28:30 | |
Sounds like they nailed Christmas, to me. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
Which means at the end of that round, | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 | |
Ian and Nish are on 2, Paul and Jess are on 4. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:41 | |
Time now for the odd-one-out round. Paul and Jess, your four are... | 0:28:50 | 0:28:54 | |
Sir Tony Robinson. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:55 | |
DH Lawrence. | 0:28:55 | 0:28:57 | |
Lucy, the oldest known human. | 0:28:57 | 0:28:58 | |
And Simon Cowell. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
Lucy, the oldest known human, she is a sort of... | 0:29:00 | 0:29:04 | |
-Is she a reconstruction of... -She is. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:06 | |
-..of what we used to be like? -Yes. -Back in the '40s. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:09 | |
I've no idea. | 0:29:11 | 0:29:12 | |
-Have you got a clue? -Heseltine has thousands of them. | 0:29:12 | 0:29:17 | |
-Are these trees? -Yes. -Oh. | 0:29:17 | 0:29:19 | |
I was going to say effigies of Margaret Thatcher. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:23 | |
-Carry on... -Trees? | 0:29:23 | 0:29:25 | |
DH Lawrence's books were published in paper... | 0:29:25 | 0:29:29 | |
-Zacchaeus could have been up there. -The tax collector... | 0:29:31 | 0:29:35 | |
-He's... Olive trees? -No, no. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:36 | |
Fig trees? | 0:29:36 | 0:29:38 | |
-No, I misled you there. -Oh, I see. | 0:29:38 | 0:29:40 | |
I'm more interested in an exact biblical tree than I am... | 0:29:40 | 0:29:44 | |
-Yeah. -..in the answer to this question... | 0:29:44 | 0:29:47 | |
-Lucy is the odd one out. -No. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
The only thing anyone knows about her, | 0:29:49 | 0:29:50 | |
she was named after a Beatles song. | 0:29:50 | 0:29:52 | |
She was named after Lucy In The Sky. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:54 | |
-Yeah. That's not going to help here. -I saw it in a documentary. | 0:29:54 | 0:29:57 | |
-Very interesting. -DH Lawrence was named after one of the early hits... | 0:29:57 | 0:30:01 | |
It's not going well, this, is it? | 0:30:04 | 0:30:07 | |
Trees, trees... | 0:30:07 | 0:30:09 | |
They've all knocked down trees. Tell us. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
-They all love climbing... -Climbing trees. | 0:30:11 | 0:30:14 | |
-They all love climbing trees apart from DH Lawrence. -No. | 0:30:14 | 0:30:16 | |
-Apart from Lucy, who was ground-based. -No. | 0:30:16 | 0:30:18 | |
-Simon Cowell. -No! | 0:30:18 | 0:30:20 | |
-Tony Robinson! -Tony Robinson! There we go. | 0:30:20 | 0:30:23 | |
Apart from Tony Robinson... I'm going to tell you. | 0:30:23 | 0:30:25 | |
He won't even touch a pencil. | 0:30:25 | 0:30:26 | |
They all like climbing trees, apart from Sir Tony Robinson, | 0:30:26 | 0:30:29 | |
who was caught urinating against one in the grounds of Buckingham Palace. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:33 | |
He revealed this in an interview this week. Did anyone not...? | 0:30:33 | 0:30:36 | |
-No. -I'm amazed it wasn't bigger news. | 0:30:36 | 0:30:39 | |
-Simon Cowell likes climbing trees? -He likes climbing trees, absolutely. | 0:30:39 | 0:30:43 | |
He revealed in an interview once his favourite hobby is climbing trees. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:46 | |
He said: | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
-Really? -Yeah. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:53 | |
In an interview recently, | 0:30:53 | 0:30:54 | |
Simon Cowell also talked about his plans after death. | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
Can anyone guess what he's requested? | 0:30:57 | 0:30:59 | |
He's going to carry on being in The X Factor. | 0:30:59 | 0:31:01 | |
They'll sort of prop him up and have somebody just pulling | 0:31:01 | 0:31:03 | |
-a string behind his back. "Blah-blah-blah..." -Cryogenics? | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
Yes, he wants his body frozen. | 0:31:06 | 0:31:07 | |
He wants to be frozen as an insurance policy. He said... | 0:31:07 | 0:31:11 | |
Yes! | 0:31:15 | 0:31:17 | |
Anyway, back to the Palace garden, where we join Tony Robinson. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:19 | |
He was filming an episode of Time Team Live in the Queen's gardens | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
and got caught short moments before the cameras started rolling. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:25 | |
That... That's not unique. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:33 | |
How do we know that Lucy, our oldest known human ancestor, | 0:31:35 | 0:31:38 | |
liked climbing trees? | 0:31:38 | 0:31:40 | |
She left a note. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:42 | |
She was discovered in the 1970s, but they've only just worked out | 0:31:43 | 0:31:46 | |
by studying her bones that in fact there were multiple breaks, | 0:31:46 | 0:31:49 | |
in particular: | 0:31:49 | 0:31:51 | |
So that makes her the oldest person that's fallen out of a tree | 0:31:58 | 0:32:01 | |
apart from Keith Richards. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:02 | |
They say that suggests this was the cause of death. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
Wow. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:08 | |
The BBC website very helpfully shows us | 0:32:08 | 0:32:10 | |
her falling from the... There we are. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:13 | |
Just in case we... | 0:32:13 | 0:32:14 | |
The answer is they all like climbing trees apart from Tony Robinson, | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
who was caught urinating against one. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
Tony Robinson relieved himself | 0:32:22 | 0:32:23 | |
just before a live Time Team at Buckingham Palace. | 0:32:23 | 0:32:26 | |
It was a very exciting dig. | 0:32:26 | 0:32:27 | |
They discovered the bony figure of an ancient prince | 0:32:27 | 0:32:30 | |
who told them to bugger off out of his garden. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:32 | |
According to the New York Times, | 0:32:33 | 0:32:35 | |
DH Lawrence liked to climb a mulberry tree | 0:32:35 | 0:32:37 | |
to inspire his writing. According to the article, | 0:32:37 | 0:32:39 | |
many creative artists took inspiration in strange ways. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:42 | |
Strange ingredient for a fondant fancy. | 0:32:45 | 0:32:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:47 | 0:32:50 | |
Simon Cowell told the Sun: | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
Well, they've already made a start on his face. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:56 | |
Ian and Nish, here are yours. | 0:32:59 | 0:33:02 | |
We have got Neil Hamilton, | 0:33:02 | 0:33:04 | |
Mark Carney, | 0:33:04 | 0:33:05 | |
Jeffrey Archer | 0:33:05 | 0:33:06 | |
and Michael O'Leary. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
Jeffrey Archer is the only one who's got access | 0:33:08 | 0:33:10 | |
to the Cricket Ball of Time. | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
Jeffrey Archer is the odd one out - | 0:33:16 | 0:33:18 | |
he's the only one who's been to jail. | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
-No. -No, it's true... | 0:33:20 | 0:33:23 | |
That's not it, in this context. | 0:33:24 | 0:33:26 | |
No, I just wanted to bring it up, just...just cos I did. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:30 | |
-Can you give us a clue? -Why are you giving them a clue? | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
-You didn't give us a clue. -Can I be of assistance? | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
They've all been in Are You Being Served? | 0:33:36 | 0:33:38 | |
Nnnn... | 0:33:40 | 0:33:41 | |
Assistant-s. | 0:33:41 | 0:33:43 | |
They've all been assistants with Doctor Who. | 0:33:43 | 0:33:46 | |
No, no, no. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:47 | |
They've all had problems with their personal assistants, | 0:33:47 | 0:33:50 | |
apart from Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary, | 0:33:50 | 0:33:51 | |
who is currently searching for a new personal assistant, | 0:33:51 | 0:33:54 | |
with an advert that describes it as "the worst job in Ireland". | 0:33:54 | 0:33:58 | |
There is no salary mentioned in the advert, but O'Leary has | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
previously discussed staff salaries in relation to his own pay. | 0:34:00 | 0:34:03 | |
-Anyone remember what he said? -They get free flights on Ryanair? | 0:34:03 | 0:34:06 | |
No, he said... | 0:34:06 | 0:34:07 | |
When asked about how he keeps his employees in line, he said... | 0:34:12 | 0:34:17 | |
This man is going to be President of America in 20 years. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:22 | |
I gave up with Ryanair when you went through the checkout and | 0:34:23 | 0:34:26 | |
they said, "Can you take out your tube of toothpaste?", | 0:34:26 | 0:34:28 | |
and stuff, and I said, "All right." | 0:34:28 | 0:34:30 | |
They said, "Do you need a plastic bag?" I said, "OK." | 0:34:30 | 0:34:32 | |
They said, "You have to go and buy one..." | 0:34:32 | 0:34:35 | |
-Yeah. -"..over there." | 0:34:35 | 0:34:36 | |
Then you had to go to a machine and you had to buy four. | 0:34:36 | 0:34:38 | |
Don't you think that's appalling? | 0:34:38 | 0:34:40 | |
Yeah, it's one of the things that troubles me every day. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:44 | |
You know, sometimes, I cry myself to sleep at night, I do. | 0:34:47 | 0:34:51 | |
Thinking about those three bags. | 0:34:51 | 0:34:54 | |
I've got to be honest with you, I think of anyone on this panel, | 0:34:54 | 0:34:57 | |
I'm the one with most to complain about, | 0:34:57 | 0:34:59 | |
about treatment at the airport. | 0:34:59 | 0:35:01 | |
Have you ever had to drink formula milk, | 0:35:01 | 0:35:04 | |
to prove that it wasn't a bomb? Cos I have. | 0:35:04 | 0:35:07 | |
And eat baby food, which is disgusting! | 0:35:10 | 0:35:13 | |
So, yes, UKIP Welsh Assembly member Neil Hamilton was criticised | 0:35:13 | 0:35:17 | |
-for appointing his wife as his PA. -What did Mark Carney's assistant do? | 0:35:17 | 0:35:20 | |
What was his preference? | 0:35:20 | 0:35:22 | |
Mark Carney's assistant, Jane Webster, | 0:35:22 | 0:35:24 | |
got herself into trouble recently because, | 0:35:24 | 0:35:26 | |
according to the Express, she appeared on Jeremy Kyle. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:29 | |
So you're not allowed to be on The Jeremy Kyle Show if you work | 0:35:29 | 0:35:31 | |
-at the Bank of England? -Not if you're in the civil service. -Oh, OK. | 0:35:31 | 0:35:34 | |
Really, why not? Don't be such a snob! | 0:35:34 | 0:35:37 | |
What has Jeffrey Archer blamed on his PA recently? | 0:35:37 | 0:35:41 | |
-NISH: -Everything. -The weather. | 0:35:41 | 0:35:44 | |
No, apparently, Jeffrey Archer's assistant sent out | 0:35:44 | 0:35:47 | |
all the invitations to his Christmas party this month | 0:35:47 | 0:35:49 | |
with insufficient postage on. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:51 | |
Oh, that is so embarrassing! | 0:35:51 | 0:35:52 | |
-Meaning guests have had to fork out £1.50 at the Post Office. -Wow. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:56 | |
And to be fair, she has been | 0:35:56 | 0:35:58 | |
very, very busy writing Jeffrey Archer's latest book. | 0:35:58 | 0:36:01 | |
Jeffrey Archer admits he is paid £10,000 an hour for | 0:36:02 | 0:36:05 | |
public speaking, but says he always gives it to charity. | 0:36:05 | 0:36:09 | |
Or if she's with a client, Fifi. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:11 | |
Time now for the Missing Words Round, | 0:36:12 | 0:36:14 | |
which this week features as its guest publication Towpath Talk. | 0:36:14 | 0:36:17 | |
There are lots of rules regarding barge travel. | 0:36:17 | 0:36:20 | |
There's a limit of 60 - no-one under the age of 60. | 0:36:20 | 0:36:23 | |
And we start with: | 0:36:23 | 0:36:25 | |
Navigate your boat. | 0:36:28 | 0:36:30 | |
Open locks. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:32 | |
Open locks. Open locks. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:34 | |
That is...unwittingly right, actually. | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
What do you mean, unwittingly?! | 0:36:36 | 0:36:38 | |
You're thinking of barge locks, you're thinking of canal-ways. | 0:36:38 | 0:36:41 | |
-Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of. -Actually, you can unlock your car. | 0:36:41 | 0:36:45 | |
There are fears that the technology may not be perfect | 0:36:45 | 0:36:48 | |
and if you own a BMW, it might unlock doors to anyone | 0:36:48 | 0:36:51 | |
who looks like a smug bastard. | 0:36:51 | 0:36:54 | |
Next: | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
The internet. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:01 | |
-NISH: -The internet of things. | 0:37:01 | 0:37:03 | |
The answer is... | 0:37:05 | 0:37:06 | |
This is from Towpath Talk's complaints page, | 0:37:08 | 0:37:10 | |
where there is also an angry letter about someone dumping a bar stool. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:13 | |
Sadly, you can often see large stools floating in canals, | 0:37:13 | 0:37:17 | |
that's usually just barge owners pumping out their lavatories. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
Next: | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
-NISH: -Actual donkey as donkey. | 0:37:24 | 0:37:26 | |
Panto saves money using normal-sized people as dwarfs | 0:37:27 | 0:37:30 | |
but making them stand further away. | 0:37:30 | 0:37:32 | |
This is right. | 0:37:32 | 0:37:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:39 | 0:37:42 | |
It's been revealed that several pantomime dwarves have lost work to: | 0:37:42 | 0:37:46 | |
To be honest, that's how a lot of actors finally get work. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:50 | |
According to one paper: | 0:37:50 | 0:37:54 | |
And remember, that's on top of what they make in the mines. | 0:37:55 | 0:37:58 | |
Next: | 0:38:03 | 0:38:04 | |
It's gargle, isn't it? | 0:38:08 | 0:38:10 | |
Mmm... | 0:38:10 | 0:38:11 | |
-Brush your teeth. -Floss? | 0:38:11 | 0:38:12 | |
Mmm, in the right sort of area. | 0:38:12 | 0:38:14 | |
-Moisturise. -No. | 0:38:14 | 0:38:16 | |
-Tone. -Stand up. | 0:38:16 | 0:38:19 | |
Is... | 0:38:19 | 0:38:20 | |
The President of America. | 0:38:20 | 0:38:22 | |
According to health experts, you're supposed to sing | 0:38:23 | 0:38:25 | |
the first verse of the national anthem while you wash your hands, | 0:38:25 | 0:38:28 | |
-to ensure they are germfree. -That's lucky! | 0:38:28 | 0:38:31 | |
That's why you should never shake hands with Jeremy Corbyn. | 0:38:31 | 0:38:34 | |
Next: | 0:38:34 | 0:38:35 | |
-JESS: -Childbirth. | 0:38:38 | 0:38:39 | |
Reality. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:41 | |
Is it "life"? | 0:38:41 | 0:38:42 | |
It is in fact: | 0:38:44 | 0:38:45 | |
This is from Towpath Talk - | 0:38:46 | 0:38:48 | |
the annual dilemma of how to black your barge's hull: | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
Or should you go and live in a fucking house like a normal person? | 0:38:58 | 0:39:01 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:39:01 | 0:39:04 | |
Next: | 0:39:07 | 0:39:09 | |
-NISH: -Is it Windows 8? | 0:39:12 | 0:39:13 | |
No! | 0:39:13 | 0:39:15 | |
Presumably all you have to do is open Windows. | 0:39:19 | 0:39:22 | |
Next: | 0:39:25 | 0:39:26 | |
By shouting, "Baldy!" through their letterbox. | 0:39:31 | 0:39:33 | |
"Baldy!" Goes out and there's nobody there. | 0:39:33 | 0:39:36 | |
Littering the towpath. | 0:39:36 | 0:39:38 | |
-JESS: -They are bargers. | 0:39:38 | 0:39:39 | |
Timothy West is definitely a barging man. | 0:39:39 | 0:39:41 | |
You are on the right trail. | 0:39:41 | 0:39:43 | |
People are being put off by Timothy West and John Sergeant, | 0:39:47 | 0:39:50 | |
or as they are known in the narrowboating world, "the kids". | 0:39:50 | 0:39:53 | |
And finally: | 0:39:55 | 0:39:56 | |
Chocolate. | 0:39:59 | 0:40:00 | |
-JESS: -Lasagne. -Absolutely right. | 0:40:00 | 0:40:02 | |
Brenden Taylor posted a picture of his partner's scan on Facebook. | 0:40:02 | 0:40:05 | |
Here it is: | 0:40:05 | 0:40:07 | |
To which someone replied: | 0:40:08 | 0:40:09 | |
To which Brenden replied: | 0:40:12 | 0:40:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:15 | 0:40:16 | |
This is the story of a woman... | 0:40:16 | 0:40:19 | |
This is the story of a woman | 0:40:19 | 0:40:21 | |
who posted an ultrasound picture of her unborn baby daughter | 0:40:21 | 0:40:24 | |
only for her friend to mistake it for a lasagne. | 0:40:24 | 0:40:26 | |
Although she hopes to have the baby naturally, | 0:40:26 | 0:40:29 | |
doctors have warned her she may require a Caesarean Salad. | 0:40:29 | 0:40:31 | |
So the final scores are Ian and Nish have 4, | 0:40:33 | 0:40:36 | |
Paul and Jess have 8. | 0:40:36 | 0:40:38 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:40:38 | 0:40:40 | |
And I leave you with news that | 0:40:46 | 0:40:48 | |
an old showbiz double-act are forced to go back on the road | 0:40:48 | 0:40:50 | |
with their "catch the peanut" routine. | 0:40:50 | 0:40:52 | |
In Washington, one Democrat admits | 0:40:59 | 0:41:01 | |
to putting a crafty 100 on Trump to win. | 0:41:01 | 0:41:04 | |
And in central London, one politician begins to regret | 0:41:07 | 0:41:10 | |
agreeing to the image consultant's suggestion to have a makeover. | 0:41:10 | 0:41:13 | |
Jezzie Izzard! | 0:41:21 | 0:41:22 | |
Goodnight! | 0:41:24 | 0:41:25 |