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This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Tom Hollander. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
In the news this week - on a Labour team-bonding weekend | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
in the Lake District, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell go paragliding. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:48 | |
More extraordinary footage emerges on Planet Earth II | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
when David Attenborough goes filming as the pubs close in Glasgow. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
And on a holiday in San Francisco, | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
Daniel Craig regrets telling his family, | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
"I've been doing this for years. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
"Trust me, it's easy." | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
On Paul's team tonight is the Ukip leadership candidate | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
who said her aim was to get rid of the Labour Party. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
That's going terrifically well, what have you been doing? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Please welcome Suzanne Evans. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
And with Ian tonight, | 0:01:40 | 0:01:41 | |
a comedian who went to the same public school as George Osborne. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
He even used to steal his lunch money - | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
£500 a day! Welcome, Hal Cruttenden. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:52 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
And we start with one of the biggest stories of the week. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
Paul and Suzanne, take a look at this. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
Castro, known for rapidly ageing. There he's going, look. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
And also famous for his long, slow walk and millions of Cubans, | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
in tribute to him, are also attempting the same slow walk. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
And there's a little old guy having a dance. "Havana" a dance, even! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
SILENCE | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
Er, yes. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
We should edit the groan out, | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
otherwise it's going to make the programme sound like an autopsy. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
-Castro. -Yes. -Good dictator or bad dictator? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
There's no such thing as a good dictator, surely? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
They're all bad. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
He did replace Batista, who was a very, very bad dictator, | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
who turned Cuba into an enormous brothel | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
run entirely by American Mafiosi. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
So, the start was quite good, | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
then there was the summary executions and the mass murders | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
and then it got less good. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
But, you know, everything goes off, doesn't it? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
All political parties start with good ideas, don't they, Suzanne? | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
Give them a little power... | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
Well, it may not happen to you lot, obviously. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
There were some gushing tributes to Castro. Who was the gushiest? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:13 | |
Jeremy Corbyn was pretty gushy. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
He said he was a champion of social justice. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
Jeremy's phrase "for all his flaws" didn't go unnoticed on social media. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:33 | |
"For all his flaws"... | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
For all Jeremy's flaws, what is he particularly skilled at? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Is he a beekeeper? | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
Jeremy Corbyn is particularly skilled at making an exit. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
Here he is delicately extricating himself | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
from an interview on the NHS. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
Thanks, Jeremy. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
I'd like to say a massive thank you to everyone here | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
and across the country for making calls tonight | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
and to all those who'll be attending an event... | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
That's marvellous, isn't it? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:26 | |
It would have been an amusing moment if he'd kept going back | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
and then you just heard a cry and you saw sort of fluttering curtains. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Or Tony Blair then edges into shot. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
How did President-elect Donald Trump react to Castro's death? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
Did he say he was a divisive character | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
who embroiled himself in US politics? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
"Divisive" has got a lot of syllables in it, he said... | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
He presidentially tweeted... | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
He put that up, and there was a pause, | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
and then he put a whole explanation as to why he hated him, | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
and I reckon that pause was him being told who Fidel Castro is. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:04 | |
Castro's burial is being held this weekend. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Which heads of state will be attending? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
Mugabe and Zuma and then whoever's in charge of Bolivia. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
-I think it's the big dictators' piss-up. -Yeah. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
They're all going to go along and say, "This is how you run a country. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:22 | |
"Certainly how I run one!" | 0:05:22 | 0:05:23 | |
But Putin is not going, is he, even though he's a fan? | 0:05:23 | 0:05:27 | |
I don't know, it's not here. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
-Am I right on this? -I've no idea. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
He's not going, but Putin... | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
-I thought you were well up on... -No, no, no. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
Are you not Ian Hislop of...? | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
-No! -OK. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
This man has won a competition to be here tonight. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
Who is Britain sending as a mark of respect? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
Joe Pasquale? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
-Alan Duncan. -Alan Duncan? -Sir Alan Duncan. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
What's his actual position, Alan Duncan? | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
Alan Duncan, he's Keeper of the Glasses. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
It's a little unfair cos he doesn't normally wear glasses. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
-Who are Ukip sending? -Oh, we're not sending anyone. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
Well, not as far as I'm aware. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:12 | |
Right, would you be aware if...? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
Yeah, I think so! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
It's said that the CIA made 638 attempts to kill Castro, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:27 | |
so let's play a game | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
of Assassination Attempt - True or False. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Yeah, brilliant! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
I'll name an assassination attempt. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
You buzz in to say if it's true or false. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
Well, how can we buzz true or false? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
You buzz if you think you know the answer | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
and then you say whether you think it's true or false. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
OK, yeah, that's good. That'll work. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Poisoned shoe polish - true or false? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
-True. -BELL RINGS | 0:06:52 | 0:06:53 | |
-Yes. -But I buzzed. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
That's where the system breaks down. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Yeah, shoe polish laced with thallium sulphate | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
was supposed to make his hair and beard fall out, | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
leading to a loss of popularity among the people, | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
which they believed was due to his hairiness, | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
and would then depose him. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
Unless he had access to a wig. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
This is the next assassination attempt. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
The CIA persuaded Castro's friend | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
to hit him over the head with a big book. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
BUZZING | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
-No, false. -False. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:27 | |
Yes, correct. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
-OK, next one, we can do better. -Go on, then. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
Shrinking spectacles that would gradually tighten their grip | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
around Castro's head... BUZZING | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
..until his eyes popped out. You've buzzed. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
-True. -No! -No. -It's false. Of course it's false. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Next one, toilet paper that would catch fire from the friction | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
when wiped against human skin. BUZZER | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
That's one of my worst nightmares. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
You ought to change brands. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
-Paul, is it true or false? -Definitely false. -Yes. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
-Next, LSD. -True, definitely. -Yes. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Would you like to explain? | 0:07:58 | 0:07:59 | |
He was going to do a broadcast and they tried, | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
or they were going to try and give it to him before he did a broadcast, | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
and then he'd go on and broadcast and go, "My people of Cuba... | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
"Oh, the colours are lovely. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
"Oh, my beard's so fluffy." | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
And it would destroy his reputation. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
The CIA planned to pump a gaseous form of LSD into | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
the radio studio where Castro made his broadcasts to the nation. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
His listeners would think he'd gone mad, | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
they would then storm the radio studio and kill him. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
Finally, poisoned wet suit. BUZZER | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
-True. -Yes. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
They lined his suit with something because | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
he liked scuba-diving. That was his thing, cigars and suits. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
Didn't they put a fake bomb in a shell at the bottom of the sea? | 0:08:35 | 0:08:39 | |
-Yeah... -That sounds like a bad episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:44 | |
There's no such thing! | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
It doesn't say much for the CIA, does it? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
Nil success rate. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:55 | |
"Tried to trip him up but ran away cos I got frightened." | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
US lawyer James Donovan - Tom Hanks in Bridge of Spies - | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
was supposed to give scuba diving enthusiast Castro | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
the wet suit impregnated with tuberculosis bacteria | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
as a gift when he went to negotiate release | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
of US prisoners after the Bay of Pigs disaster. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
Donovan refused to take it as he'd already given Castro | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
a gift of a perfectly safe, poison-free wet suit. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
-Yeah. -Isn't that ridiculous? -Should have sent round a badger. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
This is the news that the CIA finally got their man, | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
with the success of Operation Old Age. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
To mark Castro's death, | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
Cuba has declared nine days of national mourning... | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
which will bring the economy to a complete standstill. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
Well, it's what he would have wanted. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson will not be attending the funeral | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
of Fidel Castro. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
The notorious womanising rebel who led his tiny island into one of | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
the most disastrous chapters of its history will stay at home in London. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
Ian and Hal, take a look at this. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
-Oh, it's the Mad Hatters. -They're not fruitcakes at all. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
Ukip, that is the new leader. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
The one next to him, "No, I don't want the job. Not me, no." | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
Look, it's the youth wing. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
This is the big news. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
They had an election and you were up for this, weren't you? | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
Anyway, this man Paul Nuttall has won. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Because he has to, it's done by name in Ukip. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
-Erm... -LAUGHTER | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Man has a fight, he's called Hookem. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
-Erm... -Do you know, he is now, Mike Hookem, fisheries secretary? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:42 | |
He always has to do a job that's something to do with his name. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
Hook 'em... | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
Paul Nuttall won the contest with an impressive 62.6% | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
of the 5,370 votes cast. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
But who was a close second... with 19.3%? | 0:10:52 | 0:10:56 | |
Suzanne Evans. APPLAUSE | 0:10:56 | 0:11:00 | |
This is impressive. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:01 | |
Metropolitan, liberal London audience clapping | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
Ukip election results. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:06 | |
She's a loser, though, that's why we are clapping. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
-APPLAUSE -Not that you are a loser! | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
You're not. It's a good thing. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
-Do you feel badly about it? -No. Not at all. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
At least you beat the man who said a gay donkey raped his horse. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
I... I did. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
-By 200 votes. Impressive. -You can mock when you stand for election. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:31 | |
-You can mock then. -I can safely say I won't be doing that. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
-You have got a job, haven't you? -I have, I got my old job back. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
-What is it again? -Deputy chairman. -What does that involve? | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
I wrote the manifesto in 2015 and I expect I'll be writing it | 0:11:42 | 0:11:46 | |
-again in 2020. -Will it change at all? -Yeah, a little bit. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Last time, you got one MP. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
It will have to change because the Tories have nicked all our policies. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
-We haven't got many left from 2015. -So you're going for Labour now? | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
We're going for everybody but particularly Labour. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
I have always said, | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
Ukip has got most chance among | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
the working classes that the Labour Party | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
has completely forgot, who don't recognise the Labour Party any more. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
Have you seen Labour's standing in the polls? | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
It is not a very big ambition... | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
to beat them, is it? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
-Have you got any money? -At Ukip? Or me personally? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
I wasn't going to borrow some. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
We have some money and I am sure now Paul Nuttall is leader, | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
we will have a lot more money from a lot more people who warm to Ukip | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
because we have got a different man at the top. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
-You said that so convincingly! -Well, I am convinced. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
He is a good man, Paul, a very good man. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
-HAL: -He looks quite scary, doesn't he? If you're honest. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
-SUZANNE: -You say that. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
He got into a bit of trouble | 0:12:44 | 0:12:45 | |
because somebody kept changing his Wikipedia page | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
to say that he used to be Bungle in Rainbow. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
Still no denial from Paul on whether he was in The Muppets, though. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
What do we know about Paul Nuttall? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
He's a lovely man, despite appearances. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
-SUZANNE: -He has done just about every other job in the party, | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
apart from leader. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
He has done his apprenticeship and now he has the top job. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
Congratulations, Paul. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
-HAL: -You are trying so hard to be nice about it. I like that. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
"Congratulations, Paul. I'm absolutely fine." | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
I'm fine! | 0:13:27 | 0:13:28 | |
-What do you want her to do, go round and deck him? -She is being gracious. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:35 | |
Gracious in defeat. He has got some strong opinions | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
on abortion, the death penalty, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:38 | |
climate change, the burka and gay people. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
And he once tweeted... | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
-What are Nuttall's plans? -To hold the government to a hard Brexit. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:57 | |
If Mrs May, at any point, goes soft, Nuttall will be there. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:02 | |
That's the motto. "Don't go soft, Nuttall's watching." | 0:14:02 | 0:14:07 | |
We definitely want a hard Brexit. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
It's got to be hard to be good, everybody knows that. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
-This is pornographic. -Any offers of panto this year? | 0:14:15 | 0:14:20 | |
How did the Associated Press report this story? | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
They tweeted... | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
So can we all just agree to call him "Neil" from now on? | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
Within just half an hour of the result, | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
Ladbrokes had named a few favourites to be the next leader. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh, had they? | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
With Farage out of the picture, who'd you think they went for? | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
I don't know. It probably wasn't me, was it? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Ladbrokes announced Nigel Farage... | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
I thought you said he was out of the picture! | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
-..is 3-1 favourite to be the next leader of Ukip. -OK. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
Suze, sorry, again, I take no pleasure in any of this, | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
I just want you to know. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
Of course there are the shockingly high EU immigration figures | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
that have just came out. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
Yeah, record EU immigration figures today. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
-HAL: -"They're all coming over!" | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
Ohh! There could be some in here, Suzanne! | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
Take cover under the desk. Oh, my God! | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
Strange accents and everything. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:25 | 0:15:26 | |
You see, this is the fundamental misunderstanding about Ukip, | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
we're not anti-immigration at all. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
-We just want... -DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
It's true, it's true. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
You see, that's the problem with the message, | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
it hasn't really got across. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
No, no. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
It does say something that the Prime Minister who promised to | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
cut immigration down in the Home Office has not managed to do it all. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
-No, she hasn't. -It's increased. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:53 | |
And actually, it's quite interesting, | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
because the Prime Minister is being much more hardline | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
on EU immigration than Ukip is. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
Well, that's politics now, isn't it? | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
Interestingly, lots of people are trying to get in - and this is | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
why the figures have spiked - before the Brexit shutters come down. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:10 | |
So, that's your fault, Suzanne. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
This is Ukip's latest leadership election. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
Paul Nuttall won 62% of the vote in the ballot | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
of Ukip grassroots members, though a series of late-night tweets | 0:16:24 | 0:16:28 | |
almost swung it for Eric Bristow. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
Paul Nuttall is targeting Labour seats and at the moment, | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
he does have an advantage over Jeremy Corbyn. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
The only way Nuttall could split his parliamentary party | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
is by sawing Douglas Carswell in half. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
Paul Nuttall accuses Labour of having lost touch | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
and only caring about... | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
Such as, "Has anyone seen Diane and Jeremy? | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
"They have been doing the washing-up for ages." | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
So, at the end of that round, four points each. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:13 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
BUZZER | 0:17:17 | 0:17:18 | |
It's the shock news that no-one in government | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
has worked out that if you walk into a meeting like this, | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
someone will put a camera on it. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
There's apparently a sign on the inside of the doors | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
that says, "Don't display your notes on the outside." | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
-Mm. -It does, apparently. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
"Please flush after using the toilet," | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
all the basic things that political aides need to know. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
Yes, the handwritten memo was photographed in Downing Street. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
It was being carried by a Tory party aide as she and her boss | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
left a meeting with the Brexit big beast David Davis. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
The gist of it seems to be... | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
Cos that's... You'd expect something more detailed | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
and more kind of complex from a big meeting, wouldn't you? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
Rather than just, "Have our cake and eat it." | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
It'd be like the next thing, you know, | 0:17:54 | 0:17:55 | |
"We're going to look before we leap." | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
You know? | 0:17:57 | 0:17:58 | |
-It's just sayings, isn't it? -It is. "Stitch in time saves nine." | 0:17:58 | 0:18:03 | |
-You know what's going to spoil this broth? -BOTH: -Too many cooks. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
One of the other notes on the document read... | 0:18:10 | 0:18:12 | |
Failing to predict the one reading, | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
"Idiot displays secret meeting notes." | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
The French have their own version of having your cake and eating it, | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
-can anyone tell me what that is? -Marie Antoinette. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
Is it having your snails and then beating them in a race? | 0:18:29 | 0:18:33 | |
DELAYED LAUGHTER | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
They're saying that Britain wants to have... | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
"The butter and the money to buy it." | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
According to the Mail, "Other indignant Froggies say"... | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Apparently we want the dairy as well. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
The lady carrying the Brexit notes | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
is aide to Tory vice-chairman Mark Field. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
What do we know about him? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
-He once had an affair with Liz Truss. -Yes. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
Oh, there was I going to say he was the MP for the City of Westminster. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
Yeah. That's interesting(!) | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
Yes, he had an extra-marital affair | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
with the also-married Lord Chancellor Liz Truss. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
I don't know what you think, but I think... | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:22 | 0:19:23 | |
How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
In Cabinet, apparently, he blurted out | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
that he was in favour of freedom of movement | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
and that he was in favour of an amnesty | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
for all the illegal immigrants who were actually here. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
Something he'd said before, when he was Mayor of London. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
But then he unsaid it when he decided he would support Brexit, | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
and then he obviously forgot, when he was in Cabinet, | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
that he'd unsaid it, so he said it. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
And now he's unsaid it. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Boris Johnson believes in freedom of movement | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
and David Davis said the UK might pay | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
for access to the EU single market. Do you feel betrayed, Suzanne? | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
Um, I tell you what, I'm having that cake. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
I want the cherry on the top, too - but I ain't paying for it. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
You're going to steal it? | 0:20:09 | 0:20:10 | |
-HAL: -The thing is, though, | 0:20:12 | 0:20:13 | |
they're not going to give it to us, are they? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
-SUZANNE: -Well, you don't need to... | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
You know, every country in the world has access to the single market. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
You don't need to pay for it. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
But there's 27 of them all saying, "Yes, you do, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
"unless there's free movement," isn't there? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
-SUZANNE: -No, there's 27 of them who are totally reliant upon us | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
for their trade and for their jobs. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
-LAUGHTER HAL: -Oh, and they... | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
Yeah. We don't need them at all. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
They might be a bit reliant, but TOTALLY is... | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
-I mean, that's up there with the 350... -Did I say totally? | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
I'm afraid you did say totally. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:42 | |
-If I rephrase that, then... -Yeah, how about "a bit"? | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
In a good month. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:46 | |
There are 27 countries out there | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
who are heavily reliant upon us for their trade. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
We've gone from "totally" to "heavily". | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
How about "not very"? | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
-No, no, no... -APPLAUSE | 0:20:56 | 0:20:57 | |
Oh, come on! | 0:20:57 | 0:20:58 | |
They need us far more than we need them. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
We sort of need each other, don't we? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
Can you imagine if Angela Merkel says, | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
"No, unless you have free movement, unless you pay, | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
"Mercedes, Audi are not going to be exporting to Britain"? | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
Come on, it's not going to happen, is it? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
German car manufacturers aren't going to put up with that. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
-How do you know that? -Spanish Cava producers | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
aren't going to put up with that. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
French baguette producers aren't going to put up with that. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
Are there any other stereotypes? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
-HAL: -It feels like British people on tour talking to foreigners | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
in that way of going, "What we want - we want free... | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
"We don't free movement, but we want access to the single market," | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
They're going, "You cannot have that," | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
and we're going, "You don't understand. WE WANT..." | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
Isn't it? It's just... | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:42 | 0:21:43 | |
So, yes, this is the revelation that the Government | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
does have a clear plan for Brexit. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:49 | |
Theresa May was interviewed at the weekend wearing this stylish outfit. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:53 | |
To be fair, the way Brexit's going, | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
we could all do with a pair of brown wipe-clean trousers. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:00 | 0:22:01 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
BUZZER | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
-HAL: -We haven't heard the end of this election. -Yes. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
Apparently it was rigged, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:12 | |
and Donald Trump, having said it was rigged all along, | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
now it is, he's said, "Why are we recounting it?" | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
This is the news that some whingeing liberals in America | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
are refusing to accept the election result and demanding recounts. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:25 | |
What is Trump calling these people? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
Bastards. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:28 | |
He said they were... | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
and that their mums stink. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
What does Donald Trump say to those who claim | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
He says that even though she won the popular vote, | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
it was because it was all stolen votes, or whatever. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
-Or recent... -He said they were criminal votes. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
-Criminal votes. -Yes. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:46 | |
He's got no evidence for this - he just tweets it. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
He says, "I actually won..." | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
This is what he does - he just puts stuff out there that isn't true. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Why don't they give him a machine | 0:22:52 | 0:22:53 | |
that isn't connected to the outside world? | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
So he can just do this stuff | 0:22:56 | 0:22:57 | |
and, you know, we don't need to hear about it in great detail. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
-SUZANNE: -That'd spoil all the fun, wouldn't it? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
Oh, it's fun, is it? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:03 | |
What details emerged about Donald Trump's mobile phone recently? | 0:23:05 | 0:23:10 | |
It's being operated by an idiot. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:11 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
They took it away from him at one point. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
-Yes. -His campaign team. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:18 | |
Couldn't be trusted. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
But they've given it back to him, and he's now tweeting late at night. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
A bit like Rupert Murdoch, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
you've gotta watch these old blokes late at night, | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
alone, tweeting. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
-HAL: -There's something about lack of sleep, isn't there? | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
-Yes! -He sleeps... You know, very, very right-wing people | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
don't sleep very much. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:34 | |
Hitler didn't sleep very much, Thatcher didn't sleep very much, | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
-and... -Stalin. -..Trump doesn't. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
-Did Stalin not sleep very much? -No. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:40 | |
-I mean, he was... -Castro. -Well, he wasn't left OR right. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
-Yeah. Just chucking it in for balance. -Yeah. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:44 | |
How much do you sleep, Suzanne? | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
- A lot. - OK. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
There's still no sign of Trump appointing his Secretary of State, | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
who will represent the United States abroad - | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
but who is the front runner? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:57 | |
Is it Death? | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
-Mitt Romney? -Yes. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Same thing. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:03 | |
Who, let's not forget, said earlier this year... | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
They had another meeting over dinner this week. Here they are. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
HAL LAUGHS | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
It was a mix-up on Grindr, wasn't it?! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
Yes. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:28 | |
Mitt Romney looks like he's eating something sophisticated | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
and Trump's just got a bowl and a big spoon. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
-Nothing too difficult. -His hair dye's leaked into the curtains. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:39 | |
Trump had a proper man's sirloin steak with carrots | 0:24:39 | 0:24:43 | |
and potatoes while Romney had... | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
What is he, some kind of nancy boy? | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
One thing we have to be grateful for to Donald Trump is his family. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
Did you see how his daughter Ivanka invited ridicule this week? | 0:24:54 | 0:24:58 | |
No, I missed that, what did she do? | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
Her 2009 book resurfaced in which she talks about her childhood | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
as a Trump, including the heart-warming story | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
of how she and her brothers tried to run a lemonade stand. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
Unfortunately for Ivanka, she lived in such a rich area that | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
no-one was ever seen in the street and so no-one bought her lemonade. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
So what did she do? She said... | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANS | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
According to the Mail, Donald Trump's new Treasury Secretary, | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
Steven Mnuchin, worked in film, | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
investing in Suicide Squad and Avatar. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
He's also going to have a hand in next year's remake of Armageddon - | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
which, unfortunately, isn't a film. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
Fingers on buzzers, teams. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
Well, I don't know what this is, | 0:25:52 | 0:25:53 | |
but the words there, "analysis...innocent", | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
suggest that there's some sort of computer programme | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
that's been invented that can look at people's eyes and their | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
facial expressions and determine whether they're guilty or innocent | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
of whatever crime has been dreamt up that day back at the office. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Yes, that's very good. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
This is the news that scientists in China have invented | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
a controversial new computer programme they claim | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
can identify a criminal just by looking at their face. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
So what are the things they're looking for? | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
Yes, what physical features do criminals supposedly have? | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
Their eyes are not so perfectly proportioned, I don't know... | 0:26:19 | 0:26:24 | |
Is this guy innocent or guilty? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:25 | |
It says "innocent" there in big letters. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:27 | 0:26:28 | |
Scientists from the Shanghai Jiao Tong University found that | 0:26:29 | 0:26:33 | |
criminals have upper lips which... | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
And... | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
How did the Daily Mail celebrate this new technology? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:43 | |
Suggesting that only 100% of people should be locked up immediately. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:47 | |
They actually came up with a fun game to see how good readers | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
were at guessing a wrong 'un by their face. Shall we try a few? | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
-Absolutely. -Yes. OK, here's the first one. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
So according to the Mail, | 0:26:55 | 0:26:56 | |
one of these women was a 1930s Holywood star married | 0:26:56 | 0:27:00 | |
to Clark Gable, while the other was | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
a sadistic SS Auschwitz-Birkenau guard | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
choosing who to send to the death chambers. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:08 | |
It is obvious, cos the one who's... | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
-Not Carole Lombard. -..the pretty one is obviously innocent. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
Yeah. Here's another one. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
Philanthropist or fraud? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
One picture's one of the first criminal mugshots ever taken | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
in Britain, while the other chap gave away millions | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
to education and health projects. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
-Which is the wrong 'un? -The one on the left's a drawing, isn't it? | 0:27:23 | 0:27:27 | |
No, I think they are both photos. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
The one on the right is a vicar. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
Mm, but is he though? | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
Oh, do you think he's a bogus...? | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
He's the prisoner, the one on the right. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
-HAL: -He looks like Castro halfway through shaving the beard off. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
The wrong 'un is on the right. George Perry, | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
con artist, and on the left, John D Rockefeller, | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
philanthropist and businessman. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
This is the computer software that claims it can tell | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
a wrong 'un just by looking at their face. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
For instance, if a man has a moustache they're probably | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
supporting Movember, so you can tell they're | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
a good person who gives to charity - but a bit of an arse. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:00 | |
The computer programme can't always give an answer. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
For instance, take a look at these two photos. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
One is an evil, murderous dictator, | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
the other is a heroic, enlightened fighter for social justice. | 0:28:08 | 0:28:12 | |
So hard to tell Ellie, my niece, | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
with whom I had quite a big row about it. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
Here's the next one. | 0:28:17 | 0:28:18 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:22 | 0:28:23 | |
The son of Vivienne Westwood, isn't it, and Malcolm McLaren, | 0:28:23 | 0:28:27 | |
the 40th anniversary of punk, | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
has set fire to a large collection of stuff that was worth | 0:28:29 | 0:28:33 | |
a million or so, saying punk wasn't really about nostalgia and he would | 0:28:33 | 0:28:38 | |
rather that people weren't selling artefacts from all those years ago. | 0:28:38 | 0:28:42 | |
Yes, excellent, this is the news that the multi-millionaire son | 0:28:42 | 0:28:44 | |
of Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren has incinerated | 0:28:44 | 0:28:48 | |
his collection of punk memorabilia on a boat in the Thames. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:51 | |
But what reason did Joe Corre give for burning | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
the £5 million worth of punk junk? | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
Punk's dead and it shouldn't be sold out to capitalism. | 0:28:57 | 0:29:00 | |
-Yes. -It shouldn't be monetised. -Yes. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:03 | |
He says punk has become nothing more than... | 0:29:03 | 0:29:05 | |
"Corr-ehh" added that even the Queen supported the exhibitions... | 0:29:08 | 0:29:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:12 | 0:29:13 | |
..proving that punk has been... | 0:29:13 | 0:29:16 | |
This isn't the first time Joe Corre had gotten rid | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
of the memorabilia, why is that? | 0:29:18 | 0:29:20 | |
The 30th anniversary. Ten years ago. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:23 | |
He actually sold his collection of punk memorabilia | 0:29:23 | 0:29:26 | |
in the early '90s so that he could fund his new business, | 0:29:26 | 0:29:28 | |
the lingerie company Agent Provocateur. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:31 | |
Upon selling the business years later for £60 million, | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
he bought back most of his old possessions. | 0:29:34 | 0:29:37 | |
What did Johnny Rotten think of Corre's protests? | 0:29:37 | 0:29:40 | |
He thought it was true to the spirit of punk as they had it in 1975. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:43 | |
He called him... | 0:29:43 | 0:29:44 | |
Not everyone was entirely convinced by the stunt. | 0:29:48 | 0:29:51 | |
Tim Sommer in The Observer agreed, saying... | 0:29:51 | 0:29:53 | |
Adding... | 0:29:59 | 0:30:00 | |
Which means at the end of this round it's six points | 0:30:09 | 0:30:12 | |
to Paul and Suzanne, and four points to Ian and Hal. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:16 | |
Now it's time for the Odd One Out round. | 0:30:26 | 0:30:29 | |
Ian and Hal, here are yours. | 0:30:29 | 0:30:31 | |
King Henry VIII... | 0:30:31 | 0:30:33 | |
Bob Dylan... | 0:30:33 | 0:30:34 | |
McDonald's... | 0:30:34 | 0:30:35 | |
and Star Trek. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
Bob Dylan isn't going to turn up for his Nobel literature prize. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
-William Shatner... -Isn't either. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
Is it poetry? | 0:30:45 | 0:30:46 | |
Who did Henry VIII have a beef with? | 0:30:46 | 0:30:49 | |
The Pope. | 0:30:49 | 0:30:50 | |
They've all been praised by the Pope, apart from Henry VIII. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:53 | |
-Sort of the opposite, -but yes. Oh! | 0:30:53 | 0:30:55 | |
-Oh, they've all been excommunicated. -All been criticised. | 0:30:55 | 0:30:57 | |
-Except for Star Trek. -Yes. | 0:30:57 | 0:30:59 | |
The Pope likes Star Trek... | 0:30:59 | 0:31:01 | |
Particularly the first series, and Lieutenant Uhura, | 0:31:01 | 0:31:05 | |
who he's got a bit of a thing about. | 0:31:05 | 0:31:07 | |
What's this thing that he's got a bit of? | 0:31:07 | 0:31:10 | |
Yes, they've all been criticised in the Vatican apart from Star Trek | 0:31:11 | 0:31:15 | |
which was praised for giving the world a model of peace. | 0:31:15 | 0:31:18 | |
-HAL: -Just looks like he's about to kiss an alien, doesn't it? | 0:31:18 | 0:31:21 | |
Although it may be an alien, it's got a neat little line in scarves. | 0:31:21 | 0:31:26 | |
So what was Ronald McDonald criticised for? | 0:31:26 | 0:31:28 | |
McDonald's have come under fire from cardinals because they want to open | 0:31:28 | 0:31:32 | |
-a new branch of the restaurant next to St Peter's Square. -Oh. | 0:31:32 | 0:31:35 | |
There are fears that if it goes ahead, | 0:31:35 | 0:31:37 | |
it could pave the way for branches of Piazza Express... | 0:31:37 | 0:31:40 | |
and Pret a Manger. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
What beef have the Vatican had with Henry VIII recently? | 0:31:45 | 0:31:48 | |
-He doesn't return their letters. -He hasn't done a lot recently. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:52 | |
Well, a Henry VIII love letter | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
which the Vatican owns has risque content | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
and they have refused permission for a BBC documentary to film there. | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
It was a reference to Anne's breasts, | 0:32:01 | 0:32:04 | |
the full incriminating sentence read... | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
-God. -To which Anne replied... "Learn to spell, you fat moron." | 0:32:16 | 0:32:21 | |
Henry famously had six wives, | 0:32:22 | 0:32:25 | |
immortalised in the school children's rhyme - | 0:32:25 | 0:32:28 | |
Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead. | 0:32:28 | 0:32:32 | |
And the Vatican weren't impressed that Bob Dylan was awarded | 0:32:32 | 0:32:35 | |
the Nobel Prize for Literature. | 0:32:35 | 0:32:36 | |
Since it was announced that he'd won the prize, | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
Bob Dylan has remained completely silent, | 0:32:38 | 0:32:40 | |
so, in a way, we're all winners. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:42 | |
Why was the Vatican newspaper so outraged by Dylan getting the prize? | 0:32:44 | 0:32:49 | |
He became a born-again Christian at one point, | 0:32:49 | 0:32:52 | |
but that wouldn't irritate them. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:56 | |
Drug references in songs it must be. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:59 | |
The Vatican noticed that Dylan was talented but stressed that... | 0:32:59 | 0:33:04 | |
They also blamed Dylan for influencing generations | 0:33:04 | 0:33:07 | |
of songwriters... | 0:33:07 | 0:33:08 | |
L'Osservatore Romano is the daily newspaper of the Vatican City. | 0:33:15 | 0:33:19 | |
It can be delivered, | 0:33:19 | 0:33:21 | |
but only from evil. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:23 | |
Paul and Suzanne, your four are... | 0:33:27 | 0:33:29 | |
-Ed Sheeran... -Yes. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:30 | |
King Arthur... | 0:33:30 | 0:33:32 | |
Prince Zylinski... | 0:33:32 | 0:33:33 | |
and Michael Heseltine. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:34 | |
Ed Sheeran, obviously he must be at Madame Tussauds there, | 0:33:34 | 0:33:38 | |
that's his waxwork double, is that the clue to what might be going on? | 0:33:38 | 0:33:42 | |
I think it's do with swords. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
Because Ed Sheeran got stabbed in the face | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
by Princess Eugenie this week. | 0:33:47 | 0:33:49 | |
-Or Beatrice, wasn't it? -Well, it was one of the two. | 0:33:49 | 0:33:52 | |
Do you know what she was doing? | 0:33:52 | 0:33:53 | |
She was pretending to knight James Blunt. | 0:33:53 | 0:33:55 | |
Exactly, she was pretending to knight James Blunt and then | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
did that, and got Ed Sheeran in the face. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
It's an amazing story. | 0:34:00 | 0:34:01 | |
They're not the brightest kids, are they, Beatrice and Eugenie? | 0:34:01 | 0:34:05 | |
The party hostess, Princess Beatrice, | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
was pretending to knight pop star James Blunt, | 0:34:07 | 0:34:10 | |
but when she lifted the sword up she... | 0:34:10 | 0:34:12 | |
.and swung it back, striking Ed Sheeran just below his right eye. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:19 | |
The Sun provided a helpful mock-up. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:21 | |
I think that's the Royal Lodge, it's Prince Andrew's home. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:30 | |
-Which is interesting, look at the decor. -Yes. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:33 | |
It's one of those places where you're related to most of | 0:34:33 | 0:34:35 | |
the people in the paintings. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:37 | |
After the story was reported in the press, Princess Beatrice | 0:34:37 | 0:34:41 | |
attracted widespread criticism for her actions. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:44 | |
She had a sword in her hand and James Blunt on his knees - | 0:34:44 | 0:34:46 | |
why didn't you finish him off? | 0:34:46 | 0:34:48 | |
Cos Hesel... What was it Heseltine did? Sorry. | 0:34:49 | 0:34:52 | |
In parliament in the 1970s, before television, | 0:34:52 | 0:34:55 | |
he sort of brandished the mace above his head... | 0:34:55 | 0:34:57 | |
Was it to stop a debate or something? | 0:34:57 | 0:34:59 | |
Heseltine brandished the Parliamentary Mace during | 0:34:59 | 0:35:01 | |
a vote over nationalisation plans for the shipbuilding industry. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:05 | |
The government reached a majority of one and Labour MPs stood up | 0:35:05 | 0:35:09 | |
and began to sing The Red Flag. | 0:35:09 | 0:35:11 | |
Out of anger, Heseltine... | 0:35:11 | 0:35:12 | |
And... | 0:35:16 | 0:35:17 | |
-And that bloke, the Polish bloke, is he a duellist? -Prince Zylinski? | 0:35:22 | 0:35:27 | |
-Yes. -He brandished a sword in 2015 - why? -In the European Parliament. | 0:35:27 | 0:35:31 | |
-He was challenging Nigel Farage to a duel. SUZANNE: -Was he really? | 0:35:31 | 0:35:34 | |
Janek said he'd had enough of Farage discriminating against immigrants. | 0:35:34 | 0:35:39 | |
Obviously everyone knows it's Brummies. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:46 | |
-Did Farage take Janek up on his offer? -Probably not. -Of course not. | 0:35:48 | 0:35:51 | |
No, he turned it down, explaining that Ukip members avoided | 0:35:51 | 0:35:54 | |
fighting with anyone who wasn't a close personal colleague. | 0:35:54 | 0:35:58 | |
So they've all brandished an antique weapon, apart from pop star | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
Ed Sheeran, who was recently hurt with a ceremonial sword at a party. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:06 | |
Princess Beatrice was trying to knight James Blunt when she | 0:36:06 | 0:36:09 | |
accidentally cut Ed Sheeran's cheek. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:11 | |
To be fair to Princess Beatrice, she was tired, | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
as she'd done a hard day's work two years earlier. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
Which means that, at the end of this round, | 0:36:18 | 0:36:21 | |
it's six points to both teams. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:24 | |
So time now for the Missing Words round which this week | 0:36:31 | 0:36:34 | |
features as its guest publication | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
the Herefordshire Beekeepers' Association's Buzzzz Word | 0:36:36 | 0:36:40 | |
worth buying for the Page 3 honey. | 0:36:40 | 0:36:44 | |
And we start with... | 0:36:46 | 0:36:47 | |
-SUZANNE: -Unlike man, | 0:36:50 | 0:36:51 | |
bees do not walk round the house feeling the radiators, | 0:36:51 | 0:36:55 | |
leaving the loo seat up, turning the thermostat down, | 0:36:55 | 0:36:58 | |
telling you how to drive your car, mansplaining. | 0:36:58 | 0:37:00 | |
Bees don't do any of that. Am I close? | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
No, cos it's too long for that space. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:05 | |
What are you like judging distances, love? | 0:37:07 | 0:37:08 | |
You see the gap there? | 0:37:08 | 0:37:10 | |
Well done. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:11 | |
Unlike man, bees do not have a sense of their own mortality. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:22 | |
I must apologise to any bees watching, | 0:37:22 | 0:37:25 | |
that must have come as a nasty shock. | 0:37:25 | 0:37:27 | |
Next... | 0:37:27 | 0:37:29 | |
Why not roast a bee? | 0:37:32 | 0:37:34 | |
Introduce them to your secret family from Hull. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:43 | |
Drop dead. | 0:37:43 | 0:37:46 | |
What, a sort of funeral director's sort of advertising campaign | 0:37:46 | 0:37:51 | |
-for Christmas? -Yeah. | 0:37:51 | 0:37:53 | |
We call it Boxing Day in our trade, in they go! | 0:37:53 | 0:37:56 | |
To really impress the family this Christmas, | 0:38:01 | 0:38:04 | |
why not serve them bacon and banana trifle? | 0:38:04 | 0:38:07 | |
This is according to Heston Blumenthal, | 0:38:07 | 0:38:10 | |
who this week launched his new Waitrose Trying Too Hard range. | 0:38:10 | 0:38:14 | |
Next... | 0:38:14 | 0:38:15 | |
-Is it honeybee? -It's... -Bumblebee? | 0:38:19 | 0:38:21 | |
-HAL: -Is it the drone bee? The drone or something? -No, it's not a bee. | 0:38:21 | 0:38:25 | |
-It's not a bee. -It is an animal. -Is it David Attenborough? | 0:38:25 | 0:38:28 | |
-HAL: -It's a monkey of some sort. | 0:38:28 | 0:38:30 | |
-It has feathers. HAL: -It's a snake. -Robin. | 0:38:30 | 0:38:33 | |
"It's a snake"? It's got feathers. It's a snake! | 0:38:33 | 0:38:36 | |
You haven't been watching Planet Earth. | 0:38:36 | 0:38:39 | |
There's some amazing snakes with feathers. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:42 | |
It's a flirty flamingo. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:44 | |
According to the Daily Mail, | 0:38:44 | 0:38:46 | |
flamingos systematically divorce each year. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:49 | |
They're nature's version of Cheryl Cole... | 0:38:49 | 0:38:54 | |
but with thicker legs. | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
Next... | 0:39:01 | 0:39:02 | |
To wear a burka. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:07 | |
-SUZANNE: -I'm afraid I have a horrible feeling I know this one | 0:39:12 | 0:39:17 | |
cos I think I saw the survey, | 0:39:17 | 0:39:18 | |
and it was least likely to change their underpants. | 0:39:18 | 0:39:21 | |
-HAL: -Oh. -That's correct. | 0:39:21 | 0:39:24 | |
Suzanne, I thought you were going to know it cos it was | 0:39:24 | 0:39:26 | |
Ukip voters are least likely to vote for Suzanne Evans. | 0:39:26 | 0:39:30 | |
I'm sure it's not true, though. | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
No, Ukip voters are least likely to, yes, change their underwear. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:36 | |
This is from a YouGov poll which also found that 1% of Ukip voters | 0:39:36 | 0:39:41 | |
would wear a pair of pants more than ten times before washing them. | 0:39:41 | 0:39:44 | |
-No! I don't believe it. -Hang on. -They've made this up. | 0:39:44 | 0:39:47 | |
Back to front, inside out, | 0:39:47 | 0:39:49 | |
I haven't done any exercise so go round again, that's still only four. | 0:39:49 | 0:39:53 | |
Dirty bastards. | 0:39:54 | 0:39:55 | |
And finally... | 0:39:57 | 0:39:58 | |
Tickle a bee on the tummy and become amorous. | 0:40:01 | 0:40:03 | |
If the two of you are like-minded, | 0:40:03 | 0:40:06 | |
make love in a meadow or up against a wall. | 0:40:06 | 0:40:10 | |
Bees aren't particular, as long as they know the way home. | 0:40:10 | 0:40:15 | |
-But I think that's probably too long to fit in there. -So, um... | 0:40:15 | 0:40:21 | |
Wander naked down the Mall, | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
shouting, "How's this for a majority?" | 0:40:23 | 0:40:27 | |
First one very close, while the weather's nice and sunny, | 0:40:27 | 0:40:29 | |
-why not photograph your honey? SUZANNE: -Ah! | 0:40:29 | 0:40:32 | |
That's a good idea. | 0:40:32 | 0:40:33 | |
So the final scores, ladies and gentlemen, | 0:40:33 | 0:40:36 | |
are Ian and Hal - 6. | 0:40:36 | 0:40:38 | |
Paul and Suzanne - 8. | 0:40:38 | 0:40:40 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:40:40 | 0:40:42 | |
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH | 0:40:43 | 0:40:45 | |
But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. | 0:40:45 | 0:40:48 | |
Is it a meeting of ewe-kip? | 0:40:48 | 0:40:51 | |
-SUZANNE: -Oh, very good. | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
See, cos there's only one of them. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:55 | |
-HAL: -See, I was thinking it was looking at a bus | 0:40:55 | 0:40:57 | |
and going, "350 million a..." | 0:40:57 | 0:40:59 | |
Rubbish! Who put that on there? | 0:40:59 | 0:41:01 | |
And I leave you with the news that Jeremy Corbyn realises | 0:41:04 | 0:41:08 | |
he's accidentally bought a jumper that's only 70% hessian. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:11 | |
Donald Trump backs away from building a wall | 0:41:14 | 0:41:17 | |
but introduces a new test for would-be Mexican immigrants. | 0:41:17 | 0:41:21 | |
And the Coldstream Guards realise it was a mistake | 0:41:23 | 0:41:26 | |
to let Prince Harry have a night out before Trooping the Colour. | 0:41:26 | 0:41:29 | |
Good night. | 0:41:32 | 0:41:33 |