Episode 10 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Gary Lineker. In the news this week...

At the World Curling Championships in Canada,

one member of the Scottish team regrets forgetting

to pack his stone.

There's irritation for one customer

as not only is their pizza half an hour late,

but all the olives have rolled off.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Domino!

Oi!

And in Devon, there's a good turnout for the opening day

of the Dartmoor Lido.

On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian

whose recent show included a rant

about how much he hates Twitter and footballers.

So that's two points to Paul Merton's team.

Welcome, Jon Richardson.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight, we were due to have

the former Education Secretary Nicky Morgan,

but because of a falling out with Downing Street

over Theresa May's £1,000 leather trousers,

she's decided not to come.

So in her place, please welcome

Nicky Morgan's £1,000 leather handbag.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So that bag is worth £1,000, is it?

Not at the moment. It's doing very little for its money.

I'm hoping that it will justify its appearance fee

by the end of the programme.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Jon, take a look at this.

Well, that's brown trouser time,

particularly for her.

That's Nicky Morgan.

That's the lady in red.

-Oh, dear!

-LAUGHTER

This is a row between three women about a pair of leather trousers.

Boris Johnson's a woman?!

Why didn't we start with that story?! I missed that one.

This is the major issue of the day and I think it's appropriate

with a panel with four men and a handbag...

LAUGHTER

..that we go straight in on the clothes!

A bit sexist, isn't it, Handbag?

It's been optimistically given a mic. Do you see, just here?

And let's face it, so far, it's doing better

than some of the people I've been sitting next to recently.

It did start with an interview in the Sunday Times.

She was relaxing at home, as you do, in a pair of brown leather trousers.

I do, always.

So what did Nicky Morgan say about the trousers?

That they were unsuitable, inappropriate, a bit lavish.

Frankly hideous, darling!

They look like she's put on chocolate underwear

and then sat by the fire.

LAUGHTER

I don't mind her spending a grand on a pair of trousers

if she wants to waste to her money,

but surely there's a better pair of £1,000 trousers than that!

Got to be a better colour, hasn't there, at least?

-And it's Amanda Wakeley.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-Who's that?

-Who I get my trousers from.

-Do you?

They're very tight, aren't they?

I mean, why wouldn't you flaunt it, if you've got it? But...

LAUGHTER

People say that nothing would have been said

if, say, Cameron had been wearing leather trousers.

Oh, I think there would!

I feel I might have had something to say!

-Where did the bag come in?

-Nicky Morgan said,

"I have never spent £1,000 on anything." And then someone said,

"What about that handbag?"

Yes, what she actually said was...

Which must be a troubling mantra!

I think that was the point, wasn't it?

That these are, in a time of austerity, it's...

I don't know, it's inconsiderate of the Prime Minister

to wear very expensive brown leather trousers.

That was the point.

And shoes as well, wasn't it? And a top.

-She had all the clothes on.

-LAUGHTER

She's the Prime Minister and her husband's an investment banker.

If she was wearing, like, two-stripe tracksuit bottoms off the market,

it would look like she was taking the piss, wouldn't it?

What she should have done was, like, pose with the leather trousers

on a sofa where, clearly, the leather trousers

had been cut out from the sofa.

-Recycling. "Just About Managing."

-Exactly!

Anyway, Nicky Morgan made the mistake of commenting

on the Prime Minister's trousers.

And so the Prime Minister's assistant, Fiona Hill,

got very cross and banned her from a meeting.

And then it got even more unpleasant.

-DRAMATICALLY:

-How so?

-LAUGHTER

-I'm just gripped!

-I'm the only one who's followed this,

but I am gripped!

She sent a letter to an MP called Alistair Burt,

who's a friend of Nicky Morgan,

saying, "Don't bring that woman to this meeting."

And then Nicky Morgan said, "Well, actually, as a woman,

"I'm not brought to meetings by men."

And then Fiona Hill sent her a message saying,

"Well, he did bring you, so there!"

That's a text from the Prime Minister's assistant.

"So there!"

They're calling it Trousergate, aren't they?

Which is just one gate too many.

It sounds like a disgusting term for your anus, I think.

"Give me five minutes,

"I'm having a bit of trouble with me trousergate!"

Anyway, it was meant to be hypocritical that...

-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh, blimey!

-Oh, hello.

-PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

-Hang on.

Hello?

No, no, she's not here at the moment.

No, we're recording it now, yeah...

Gary Lineker.

Yeah, I know, yeah.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no, you're thinking of Emperor Hirohito.

That's not him, no.

No, that's Elvis Presley. Gary Lineker. Yep.

Great. Yeah, you can smell it on his breath, yeah.

-Wrong number.

-LAUGHTER

Nicky Morgan belongs to a new exclusive group of MPs.

Anyone know what that is?

What, who've been excluded from meetings?

It's a group of 40 rebel Tories who are fighting for a soft Brexit,

inside the single market.

They're being called...

As opposed, of course, to John Major's original bastards.

Is anyone else finding it confusing that a group of MPs called bastards

doesn't include Iain Duncan Smith? LAUGHTER

However, one aide told the Sunday Times that...

And with that in mind, shall we play a game of

Bungler Or Bastard?

-Yes!

-Yes!

HE HUMS INTRO

Sorry, we've not got time.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh!

Why might it not be...?

LAUGHTER

I'm given a handbag as a guest,

I'm promised Bungler Or Bugler, or whatever it is,

I'm ready with my answers, I come up with a theme tune

and we're told we're not doing it. Very poor.

-It's really poor.

-It's poor.

Why might it not be the new bastards that Theresa needs to worry about?

The old bastards haven't retired.

There's even more people on the right who are after her

than there are on the left.

And there's some in the middle.

-In fact, everyone's after her.

-Mmm.

Apparently, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers,

has privately told the Government a new trade deal might take

ten years to finalise, and might then still fail anyway,

if the other 27 member states don't individually approve it.

Theresa May has been in Brussels meeting other EU leaders.

Did she receive a warm welcome?

-No.

-No, she wouldn't, would she?

-No.

-Not really.

-They're having their Christmas party and she wasn't invited.

-No.

Well, there was an awkward bit where there's footage of them

all shaking hands and then they don't...

She's just sort of on her own. And I just...

She has to go and have a pizza.

-She had to...?

-Go and have a pizza.

And they all have this enormous dinner together

-and she's on her own.

-Aw!

The pizza delivery boy fell off his bike as well.

And the bad news about that is that when one of them falls off,

all the rest fall over as well.

LAUGHTER

SMATTER OF APPLAUSE

That's a really pathetic round of applause!

-You don't get many Domino jokes that good!

-No.

My mistake was in waiting 20 minutes to make it.

But if I'd have waited more than half an hour,

I'd have given you that joke for free.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I can't see me topping that!

-Hey!

FAINT APPLAUSE

She was invited to attend a dinner with EU leaders,

and we can see here how warmly she's been received by them.

This is the great Remain/Leave debate.

Should Theresa May remain wearing those trousers,

or leave them in the wardrobe?

In the same way that Boris Johnson's name is abbreviated to Bo-Jo,

Nicky Morgan is known in Westminster as Ni-Mo.

Well, we certainly couldn't find her

when she was meant to be on the show this week.

APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers,

has announced that a Brexit deal could take ten years.

And that's not fair -

most of the people who voted for it will be dead by then.

APPLAUSE

Young people applauding!

Responding to claims that Brexit could take ten years,

Theresa May said...

A problem she shares with Southern Rail commuters.

-Paul and Handbag, take a look at this.

-OK.

Ah, yes. So this is the Evening News, printed about 1977.

Oh, trains are getting smaller and train drivers are getting bigger.

That's Chris Grayling, the Transport Secretary.

Everybody's dressing the same so he doesn't look like an idiot.

That looks like somebody tearing their hair out.

Hairdressers are on strike.

Dogs are going to become postmen.

Is it about strikes?

Yes, this is a new wave of strikes by post and rail workers,

running up to Christmas.

So are we going back to the '70s?

-I don't suppose we are...

-No, if you look at the '70s timetables,

they're better than Southern Rail's.

Southern Rail have been utterly useless

for as long as anyone can remember.

And you know the deal?

I'm slightly more exercised about this than the trousers...

LAUGHTER

The deal is that when these strikes take place,

the passengers who don't get on the trains

are compensated by the taxpayer

and the taxpayer is compensating and paying for

the operating company.

The only people making money are the operating company,

and they're saying, "We don't care if there are passengers on board.

"It's cheaper, we make more money."

That's a deal that this government struck.

-ONE PERSON BOOING

-It's not funny,

it's just really annoying.

Do you get this train, then, is that why you're so angry?

I'm angry with all trains.

I commuted for about 15 years and they were all useless.

-That's a long journey!

-LAUGHTER

Not on Southern, that's quick!

But it's essentially... I mean, it's a put-up job to have a fight

in order to get rid of conductors.

And then they'll get rid of drivers.

And they've already got rid of trains, so they're way ahead!

What I don't understand is all the people you see

on the train platform who are sort of...

They film them and they say,

"Oh, I mean, I can't get to work now!"

Everyone I've ever met hates going to work.

There's nothing better than a day off, where you just go,

"Well, there's no trains, is there?"

If you filmed them an hour later, they'd have been at home watching

Homes Under The Hammer in their pants!

"Ugh, bloody strikes, I can't even get to work!"

-Woosh!

-LAUGHTER

So, no. I don't know...

There are very few governments have made their prime economic region

totally grind to a standstill.

I mean, there are 300,000 people who can't get to work,

they can't get to interviews, they can't get to school

and the Grayling man is saying,

"Well, it's not my problem. I'd love to help."

But he is the Transport Minister!

Who else does he think is going to do it, the Fat Controller?

Aslef's Executive Committee earned nearly £250,000 last year,

but what figure puts that amount into perspective?

£99 million profit last year, Southern?

It was actually the coin-operated toilets

at Victoria Train Station...

..that makes £1.4 million a year.

50p a go, they cost!

Is that worth... 50p or piss yourself?

Depends what sort of brown leather trousers you're wearing, I suppose!

The Southern Railway strike has made life

extremely difficult for the ordinary working man and woman,

so you can expect the Tory Transport Minister Chris Grayling

not to give a damn about them.

But what's the leader of the Labour Party been doing about it?

I haven't noticed.

-He's been meeting up with the union leaders.

-He has.

And he's been to the train drivers' union Christmas party.

God, he's a member of Wizzard!

And people are upset because these unions

pay a lot of money into the Labour Party.

So they're saying his position is already compromised.

According to the Times,

rail union Aslef donated £118,000 to Labour last year.

They'd be better off installing

some coin-operated toilets, though, wouldn't they, really?

Going back to Jeremy Corbyn, what sort of week would you say he's had?

He had a very good PMQs.

He embarrassed Theresa May, he made a good point about the trains.

It's funny how you sometimes agree with people very strongly.

What did he say about the trains?

He said that essentially they should be nationalised,

since we're all paying through the nose for them anyway,

and they're utterly useless, why don't we just take it on board?

-Do you agree?

-Yeah, no, I'm totally for it.

But, again, you know, it's one of those things.

When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn,

you think, this country is in a mess!

LAUGHTER

Well, it's actually been a pretty good week for him.

Labour were expected to be annihilated

in the Sleaford by-election.

But they were only slightly annihilated.

According to Labour MP Vernon Croker...

No, they came fourth.

They are the Arsenal of politics.

The current Labour leadership are often accused

of being a bit paranoid, but what was troubling

Gordon Brown's inner sanctum in 2005?

-Blair?

-No.

-Press coverage?

They feared they were being spied on by Cilla Black...

LAUGHTER ..during the 2005 election.

You'd have thought if anyone was going to be an awful spy,

it was someone who's most known for presenting Surprise, Surprise.

She wouldn't have been able to just hold herself

from bursting out of the wardrobe.

"Oh, God, I want to say it!"

Theo Bertram, an adviser to Gordon Brown,

told the Sunday Times...

The news is really quite depressing at the moment.

Who wants to see someone that really actually does enjoy the news?

-Yeah.

-Here you go.

BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the industrial dispute which has led

to massive disruption of services on Southern Rail.

According to the Daily Mail...

So at least they'll know how commuters normally feel.

The toilets at Victoria station cost 50p to use

unless you book online two months ahead

when you can get in for 35p

but they still won't guarantee you a seat.

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Scientists have proven that Father Christmas actually exists

and he's a real person.

Yes, this is the news that the magic of Father Christmas

has been scientifically explained

using Einstein's theory of relativity.

How do you think Father Christmas is able to visit all the homes

he needs to in one single day?

Subcontracts.

According to Dr Sheen, he needs to travel at...

Why don't we hear Father Christmas approaching, though?

Because there's a delay,

because he's going so much faster than the speed of sound.

So you only hear him a year later.

That would still be Christmas Eve, wouldn't it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, apparently, thanks to the Doppler effect,

as Santa and his sleigh approach, the sound of bells

and his deep "Ho-ho-ho"...

Does travelling at such speed have any other effect on Santa?

Yes, it makes him become a Jehovah's Witness.

He goes from red to green.

Yes, due to the Doppler effect, Father Christmas would also

appear to change colour from red to green.

It's all to do with the speed of approach.

I've tried it with traffic lights and it doesn't work.

In other Christmas news, why are snowmen under threat in America?

I don't get it. They should be all right, they're white.

Well, apparently because there's a snowman killer on the loose.

JON LAUGHS

Jeff Diggs has installed a 20-foot inflatable snowman

in his front garden.

But someone clearly wasn't a fan, so drove up in the night

and stabbed him.

Ooh.

Aw!

Why was that recorded on the 12th of April?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think this whole thing is a bit of a practical joke.

There's no snowman on the 12th of April.

And if there was, you're well within your rights

-to stab it in the middle of the night.

-Exactly.

-Wrong place, wrong time.

-Yes, this is a con, isn't it?

Because Jeff Diggs, the snowman's owner,

-has started a GoFundMe page...

-Has he?

-..to cover Frosty's repair bill,

although there are accusations

it's nothing more than a slush fund.

GROANING

That's why I strangled my neighbour's rabbit in September.

I said, "It's not Easter.

"What are you playing at?"

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

John Simpson,

Barack Obama,

the 17th Earl of Oxford Edward de Vere,

and Beryl Bainbridge.

Ah, Edward de Vere is the only one that's worn

Nicky Morgan's handbag as a hat.

-Is it Shakespeare, is it acting?

-It's not to do with Shakespeare.

It's not to do with Shakespeare at all.

No, it's a question of red faces.

Red faces? Embarrassment?

Yes, yes, very much so.

-Tell us.

-Well, they've all embarrassed themselves

in front of Queen Elizabeth II.

-Except him.

-Except who?

-De Vere.

-He embarrassed himself in front of Queen Elizabeth I.

-Yes.

No, that's not right,

because she wasn't known as Elizabeth I then.

-You're quite right.

-LAUGHTER

How did Edward de Vere embarrass himself in front of Queen Elizabeth?

"Your Majesty, I have presented you with leggings

"constructed from the behind of a cow."

Well, no. A 17th-century writer, John Aubrey,

recalled that when the earl went to bow before his monarch...

According to Aubrey...

-When he returned...

-I know this one, yeah.

-You know this one?

-Yeah, I do.

When he returned after seven years of shame, what did the Queen do?

She said, "Oh, how good to see you again.

-"We have quite forgotten about the fart."

-Exactly.

Yes!

"Pull mine finger!"

How did the BBC's John Simpson embarrass himself

in front of Queen Elizabeth in the '70s?

Did he do the same as the other fella?

Well, he let rip, but a different way.

Ripped his trousers?

Aha, revealing...

-Cilla Black!

-LAUGHTER

Surprise, surprise!

I don't know, tickled me.

Cilla Black tickled you?

In a recent interview in the Guardian,

John Simpson recounted a meeting with the Queen

at an agricultural show in Zambia in 1979.

John saw the Queen two days later. She said...

Cracking sense of humour.

-Should get her on the show!

-She's been asked.

Yeah. We asked tonight.

Another 200 quid and we could have got her.

How did award-winning author Dame Beryl Bainbridge

embarrass herself in front of the Queen at a 2002 party?

Beryl was chatting to another guest

and moaned about what a rubbish time she was having, saying...

Then she was hastily ushered away, and heard to say...

Barack Obama began proposing a toast to the Queen

when the orchestra accidentally started playing the national anthem

believing he had given them a cue which left Obama talking over it,

which is an absolute no-no, of course.

Let's have a look.

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand with me

and raise your glasses as I propose a toast.

To Her Majesty, the Queen.

To the vitality of the special relationship...

-ORCHESTRA PLAYING

-..between our peoples

and, in the words of Shakespeare,

to this blessed plot, this earth,

this realm, this England.

To the Queen.

ORCHESTRA CONTINUES

It's actually a really good voiceover speech, isn't it? Rousing!

It's the British at their most powerful.

-Nobody said a word!

-LAUGHTER

They have all embarrassed themselves

in front of Queen Elizabeth II apart from Edward de Vere,

the 17th Earl of Oxford,

who embarrassed himself by breaking wind in front of Queen Elizabeth I.

Next year, history is likely to repeat itself

when, during a state visit, there will be an even more unsavoury

Trump in front of a Queen Elizabeth.

According to one historical authority...

Amongst his finest work is the couplet,

"He who smelt it dealt it."

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Bacon Today.

You can find it on the shelves next to

Heart Attack Tomorrow.

And we start with...

Barry Manilow!

Cilla Black.

It's movie snow.

Good fact. You'd think they'd use Frosties.

Next...

They are willing to forgive him

for those awful mobile phone adverts.

You can tell someone's a bacon addict if...

Luckily, bacon addiction is one that can be cured.

The real problem... HE LAUGHS

You're going to be very disappointed

with your Christmas cracker jokes if you don't like that one!

Next...

Pissed.

A large slab of bacon!

Shove it through their letterbox.

"Here you are, love, dead pig."

-Is it right?

-I don't know, I can't find it. I've lost it.

What was that last one?

-I've got it.

-You've got it? Great.

-I'm back in order. Phew!

-Bacon flowers.

-Bacon roses!

Bacon roses. Oh, I see.

GROANING

Smells nice.

Next...

Host on Have I Got News For You that knows what they're doing.

-Next year's big thing...

-LAUGHTER

..is expected to be...

And finally...

What noise does a washing machine make, though?

-Woom-woom.

-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Bruce Forsyth! "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

That's the spin.

It's a very fast cycle, that one.

Lesley thinks it's saying,

"Come on, then," in a Cockney accent.

Shall we have a listen?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, let's, I want to hear this.

-Here we go.

SURPRISINGLY DYER-ESQUE NOISES

LAUGHTER

-"Come on, then. Come on, then."

-Yeah, it's good. Definitely.

"Come on, then. Come on, then."

The machine has three cycles, for delicates, woollens,

-and Dot Cottons.

-Hooray!

-Ba-dum-tish!

So the final scores are, Handbag and Paul - 5.

Ian and Jon - 5. It's a tie.

-Oh, well, there we are.

-APPLAUSE

Unbelievable. We've done it, we beat the handbag.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson,

Paul Merton and Handbag,

and I leave you with news

that the creative team behind Tinder introduce Sniffer,

a new dating website for dogs.

In Washington, as President and Mrs Obama

share a warm and tender embrace, one embarrassed bystander

doesn't know where to look.

And after being told to gather promptly at eight o'clock,

staff at the Foreign Office Christmas party begin to wonder

where Boris has got to.

Goodnight.