Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You,

I'm David Mitchell. In the news this week -

in the middle storm over Calais, BBC Breakfast's Naga Munchetty

shows her support for Gary Lineker.

After a crate of Prozac washes up on a beach, conservationists

are concerned over its possible affect on local wildlife.

And in Moscow,

a KGB target survives an unusually subtle assassination attempt.

On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter and stand-up

from New Zealand who described the audience of her first-ever Edinburgh

Festival show as "full of drunk, angry Scottish men".

Well, if you insist on doing a morning show...

Please welcome Rose Matafeo.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP who recently resigned

from the Shadow Cabinet and says that

"In election terms, Labour is not match-ready."

Unlike the bonfire in his garden

with an effigy of Jeremy Corbyn on top.

Please welcome Chris Bryant MP.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Chris, take a look at this.

Well, that looks like Heathrow.

This is a bulldozer that Boris Johnson is obviously going to

-lie in front of, as he promised.

-Oh, no, he's driving it.

He's looking for Michael Gove now, I think.

That is Zac Goldsmith with a crab.

And...those are some weird people outside the Palace of Varieties.

-So, yes...

-Good news. Good news for people who live near Gatwick.

I looked at all the arguments and they are quite complex for

should it be Heathrow or somewhere else? And Boris has promised

to lie in front of a bulldozer if it's Heathrow.

So it's gotta be Heathrow, really.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So this is the final, final decision, is it?

There's going to be legal objections, though.

People are going to fight this.

It's not a forgone conclusion at the moment.

Yes, there's going to be legal objections and also,

MPs get to vote on it next year.

Oh, really, we get to vote on something(?)

It'll probably just be, MPs get to chat about it,

like Philip Green's knighthood.

Are you trying to suggest that politicians have no real value

in society?

Bit early for that. We'll do that later.

There are other objections - environmental objections,

and it might not happen.

It's got to meet all these requirements.

But aren't they European requirements?

-So that's not really going to be...

-No, that's not a problem.

The aeroplanes have to go from here to somewhere.

-So it might still be a European thing.

-Oh, yes, absolutely.

It might just be internal flights after Brexit. I don't think anyone's

going anywhere and they're certainly not coming here!

Depends how big it is.

Maybe you get a flight from Terminal 6 to Terminal 1.

If the runway's long enough, they don't even have to take off.

-Well, it's going to be a ramp, isn't it?

-A ramp?!

It's an amazing design, isn't it?

The idea we're going to have a runway and suddenly it's announced

they're not going to put the M25 in a tunnel,

-they're going to put the runway on a bridge over the M25.

-Yeah.

Why wasn't it more part of the discussion that there wasn't room

for the runway inside the M25?

You'd think that would be a real clincher for Gatwick.

Can I be narrowly parochial for a moment?

-Oh, God, is this the Rhondda?

-Yes, it is.

I'm sorry! Just for the rest of the country,

I think you'll find that Gatwick's really on the wrong side of London.

It's the right side of London for most of the rest of the world.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How much do you think we'll make from it, financially?

-Bazillions.

-Sorry, how many?

-Bazillions.

I thought you said Brazilians!

It was just a random thought, you were sitting there...

We'll be rich enough for every citizen to get a free waxing.

Whether they want it or not.

It's the future for our economy.

We'll be the waxing hub of the world.

We could become the rip-off merchants of the world.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

You'll all be using it tomorrow.

You're getting it now.

Some of you saw it on Teletext at the bottom, didn't you?

Who's the guy with the crab?

-Zac Goldsmith.

-I don't know why I did that.

-Zac Goldsmith?

-Yeah.

-OK. And he has...resigned? No? Yeah?

He has resigned.

Cos his constituency elected him on the grounds there wouldn't be

a third runway at Heathrow.

-Right.

-So he's resigned.

-OK.

-He tried to be Mayor of London.

-Yes, OK.

So now he has a lot more time to catch up on all

the Bollywood films he hasn't seen, right?

-Ah, you got that?

-I did get that, that is the worst.

I've seen 100% more Bollywood films than him. Which is one.

He's running as an independent, right?

But because politics in this country are so mad,

the Conservative Party's not going to stand against him.

The slightly weird thing is that Ukip aren't standing against him

either, because Nigel Farage is now backing him.

I don't know how Nigel Farage has got time out from supporting

Donald Trump in the United States of America...

He can really pick 'em, can't he? Trump. Zac. God!

Do you reckon Zac's just like, "Nige, no!"

Yes, Boris has been vocal against it. Has he resigned, too?

No.

Has he not?!

He's written a couple of pieces, one pro...

LAUGHTER

Didn't David Cameron say that it was in their manifesto?

It was kind of, "No ifs, no buts, there will not be a third runway,"

-as well?

-Yes, he did, yeah.

-Yeah.

Unfortunately, the time for blaming him for everything

has come to an end.

-Not really.

-I think we should extend it.

Listen, I'm still blaming Mrs Thatcher for an awful lot.

If you're just kind of quicker, you just get right in there.

People can agree on blaming someone who's no longer at all relevant.

Or alive.

Has David Cameron died?!

No, I didn't hear the good news!

Oh.

No, I don't hope David Cameron's dead.

I just wouldn't mind if he did.

"We interrupt this programme..."

"There's been a chillaxing accident in Cornwall."

He relaxed so much his whole bowel fell out.

This is the news that the Government has given the go-ahead

for a third runway at Heathrow, ending half a century of delay.

The row over Heathrow may yet prove to be the Government's undoing.

So it's come to this - a two-mile strip of concrete

is now providing more opposition than Jeremy Corbyn.

According to the Mail,

one consequence of the third runway at Heathrow is that...

I don't mean to be overly pessimistic,

but if it's not opening till 2025,

it may not be her problem.

That's an appallingly unpatriotic thought.

I don't think the day would come when someone on the BBC

would assert that the Queen is not immortal.

Ian and Rose, take a look at this.

It's our Prime Minister.

That's the French for "get lost"!

Trying to do a dad joke in Parliament, there we go. No.

That's Juncker. Oh, in, out.

Oh. Pick-up artist, there we go.

Nicola does not understand roulette.

This is about our attempts to forge a new deal in the bright dawn.

It was slightly sad that our Prime Minister

went over to the EU meeting and was only allowed in

at one o'clock in the morning to make a five-minute speech at dinner.

And apparently she was met in dead silence,

and then she left again.

Do you know what Jean-Claude Juncker had to say after that?

Someone from the BBC said, you know,

"What do you think about Theresa May?"

And he went, "Pfff."

-We have that clip...

-Oh, good.

-..in fact, it's worth seeing.

Mr Juncker, Ros Atkins, BBC News. Good to see you again.

-How did the evening go with Theresa May?

-Pfff.

It's quite a catchphrase, actually.

You nailed that, as well!

Yeah, no, I've been watching him for years. "Pfff!"

Do you think he thinks he's got one of those, you know,

Christmassy things that you blow and go, "Parp!"

in his mouth, and just forgot to put it in?

He's been trying to come out all jolly, "Parp!"

and went, "Pff!"

Oh, forgot again!

But I'm amazed she managed to fill the five minutes.

Because she says she doesn't want to keep up a running commentary

on what the policy is, or plan, or strategy...

There could be a reason for that.

-Cos there ain't one.

-ROSE:

-Yeah.

She keeps on saying she doesn't want to show her hand.

But, like, in poker, you can't, like,

just pretend there are cards in your hand.

I mean, you can't just be like,

"I've got a good one here. Watch out!"

-CHRIS:

-And she keeps on saying,

"We're going for the best possible deal."

And basically, she's not going to say what she wants because she knows

that whatever deal she's got at the end will have been

the best possible deal that she could have possibly got.

-So she's saying, "Just see what happens..."

-Yeah.

"..because that's what I'm going to do."

LAUGHTER

"By the way, if you're a room full of bankers,

"I'm quite happy to come along and tell you exactly what I'm about."

Well, yes. This week, she suffered an embarrassing bit of leakage,

didn't she?

A recording of a secret speech that Theresa gave

to Goldman Sachs bankers a month before the referendum

was leaked to the Guardian.

In it, she warned that companies would leave the UK if the

country voted for Brexit,

and that the country would be less safe outside the EU.

But why is it... She was against Brexit,

so why is it a big deal that it turns out she meant that?

Cos she was a bit half-hearted,

and there were other people in other parties,

-weren't there, Chris, who were...

-A BIT half-hearted?

-She wasn't a BIT half-hearted, she...

-No, I was thinking of Jeremy.

I'm still talking about Theresa May, I think you'll find.

Let's stick with Theresa May.

-Was she more or less half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?

-Yes.

These politicians!

-OK. Was...

-I gave you a direct answer!

It was a yes-no question, I gave a...

-Yeah. OK. I'm wise to this.

-All right.

-Was she more half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?

-Yes.

Oh, so you like Jeremy Corbyn?

He's leading Labour into the wilderness, you fool!

He came up with a joke, though, at Question Time.

Oh, yeah. It was kind of awkward, though, that joke, wasn't it?

Was very, just, like, dad joke-y.,

-What was it?

-He said that, like Baldrick,

Mrs May has got a cunning plan but it isn't a plan.

-ROSE:

-And then she came back to him and was like,

"Well, the guy who played him was Labour!"

That's exactly what she said, right?

The thing about her is, she's very...

She doesn't believe in Brexit.

People thought maybe secretly she believed in Brexit,

and so it's OK for her to lead a government that's doing Brexit.

Maybe she's changed her mind.

Or maybe she doesn't care what the Government does.

She just wants to be Prime Minister of it.

-Ah.

-So she'll do, you know...

Well, at least she's not like Jeremy in that sense,

cos he certainly doesn't want to be Prime Minister.

Or maybe not.

You know, they're the perfect opponents, aren't they?

The person that will be Prime Minister of ANY government...

-And the one who'll be Prime Minister of none.

-Yeah!

If Labour wins, she could say,

"Jeremy, don't worry, I'll be Prime...

-"I'll just do the Labour stuff!"

-Yeah!

"I didn't believe in Brexit, I did the Brexit stuff. I can do it all.

"I'm a session musician politician."

This is the news that Brexit will make us less attractive

to foreign investors, less wealthy and less safe.

That's according to Theresa May, five months ago,

speaking at Goldman Sachs.

According to a poll quote in the Sun,

47% would still back Leave in another referendum...

Ah, yes, fluctuations.

One day it's down, the next day it plummets,

the next day it's merely down again!

According to the Daily Telegraph,

Microsoft is set to increase its prices by 22%...

Makes a nice change for Microsoft to look at something and say,

"Oh, no, it's crashed!"

And so on to Round Two.

And as Halloween season enters its fourth week

and we cover ourselves in spray-on cobwebs

out of respect for our American trading partners,

let's enter into the spirit of it with the Haunted House of News.

Fingers on buzzers.

See if you can guess what's scaring you.

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

MAN SCREAMS

BUZZER

Oh, no, don't buzz, it means we'll have to talk about it.

That's just a... It's a wonderful fantasy creation.

The legs of a woman, and the head of an Oxford English Dictionary.

What more could anyone want?

So this is a book that's literally been walking out of the shops,

is that what we're seeing here?

-Oh, is it Essex women?

-That's it, yes.

The term "Essex girl" is in the dictionary.

And this is the news that two girls from Essex

are trying to get that term removed.

Collins defines it as...

-Doesn't seem too bad.

-That's all right.

Why would anyone have a problem with that(?)

And according to Natasha Sawkins and Juliet Thomas,

who are behind the campaign...

Not heard that one before.

I just love this idea of them complaining.

Does Neanderthal man have a say?

Does he say, "I think I've been ridiculously stereotyped"?

Yes, but he's not really around any more,

whereas women from Essex might consider that if they're born

in the county of Essex, they shouldn't all be stigmatised

-with the same stereotype.

-You're probably right.

You can't libel the dead, let alone the extinct.

Don't tell me about libel, Mitchell.

I'm giving you a tip!

Say what you like about Neanderthals.

Why can't they just take it out?

-Because who's campaigning to keep that in?

-It would be...

It's not how things work, is it?

It's in the dictionary because it's a term people use.

And if people started taking... People might think,

"Can we take the word 'poo' out of the dictionary?

"It's not very nice, poo, is it?

"You know, I don't really want to be reminded of poo."

Then you just have a dictionary that's got nice words,

like "peacefully" and "flower".

Who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?

The Archbishop of Canterbury.

No, it was in fact a star of Ian's favourite show,

Gemma Collins. Here she is.

It is absolutely outrageous

in today's society

that the dictionary, which...

I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.

We should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway

because, like, it is such an amazing, like,

historical British thing, isn't it?

Every story ever written's in the dictionary.

You've just got to put the words in the right order. All there!

This is the story about two ladies from Essex

who want the term "Essex girls"

scrubbed from the Oxford English Dictionary.

The main thing about this story is it gives the Sun a chance

to recycle its Essex girl jokes, including...

That's interesting. The label in my pants says

"D Mitchell, class 5C".

I've never lost a single pair.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

What horror is this?

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

MAN SCREAMS

BUZZER

-CHRIS:

-This is the Ed Stone,

the heaviest suicide note in history.

Which, bizarrely, considering how much money we spent on it,

looks as if it's made of foam

and somebody forgot to put it on the return of election expenses

and so the Labour Party has been fined.

Yes, you were quite right. The Ed Stone was quite expensive.

Do you know what it cost, exactly?

The general election.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was...

Labour say they did originally get a receipt from the stonemason's,

but it was too heavy to get in the car.

The Spectator quoted a source as saying

that when the image of the stone first appeared on TV...

I wonder if he had any inkling that

that wasn't the low point for Labour.

Do you think Ed took too much flak for losing that election, Chris?

He's a good man.

-You can tell you were a vicar.

-Bless you, my child.

-Thank you.

I'm not so sure you could quite so easily tell you were a vicar

-when you said about Ed...

-Oh, yes?

He's a very modern vicar.

That was the night of Brexit.

I was very, very upset about Brexit.

Chris, how much do you blame Corbyn for the referendum result?

You even thought Corbyn voted Leave, didn't you?

I think a lot of the arguments that Jeremy put

helped the Leave campaign.

Do you still think...

-As you said.

-Well, everything's to...

The Labour Party's got to be mended, that's the truth,

and I don't like Mrs May and the way she's leading the country,

so I hope that Labour can pull itself together.

That's definitely not a straight answer.

That was about as skew-whiff an answer as I could possibly give.

AUDIENCE MEMBER GUFFAWS

Oh, Jeremy's in!

I think people know you think Jeremy Corbyn's an idiot.

You've said it so many times. Why stop now?

There's plenty of people who move in and out of the Shadow Cabinet,

and they've said even worse things than Chris has,

-so don't try and restrict his future career...

-No, no.

Just trying to get him to confirm what he's already said many times

is pretty underhand.

Leave him alone.

-I'm a bit worried that Ian Hislop is supporting me.

-I'm not!

No...

Yes, this is the news that Labour has been fined for failing

to declare a string of election expenses,

including the cost of Ed Miliband's so-called Ed Stone.

Here is the notorious object of ridicule...

standing next to his disastrous stone.

Since Ed Miliband's defeat, the Ed Stone has reportedly

been destroyed and broken into pieces.

As has the Labour Party.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next nightmare.

EERIE MUSIC PLAYS

MAN SCREAMS

BUZZER

They've discovered a snail who goes the wrong way round.

Cos all snails' whorls go clockwise.

This one goes anticlockwise.

Why is it wearing a hat?

He's become a bit of a celebrity and doesn't want to be photographed!

Yes, he's absolutely right.

This is the news that a one-in-a-million snail

has been found with a rare mutation that makes him a leftie,

as his shell spirals the wrong way.

-What do you think the leftie's been called?

-Jeremy.

Correct.

-ROSE:

-Huh!

In other news, what's this woman doing?

She's trying to surprise a Yorkshire terrier

because the kitchen's been redecorated and he doesn't know.

Mary Burgess is the woman.

She's a dog hypnotist.

What will she do for 60 quid?

LAUGHTER

Take your poodle back to a previous life?

Yeah, basically. An hour's hypnosis with naughty dogs.

She puts them in a trance and persuades them to behave better.

Techniques include...

I think that would work on me, to be fair!

And, finally, what do you think dogs dream about?

Running through the fields,

their hair brushing against the tops of dandelions,

as they sniff the sea air...

-It's a very small dog.

-Well, yeah.

Could be running into a trench.

They probably dream about you, if you're their owner, that is.

The reason we know this is thanks to Dr Deirdre Barrett

from Harvard Medical School. She said they're dreaming about...

Of course, sometimes they must be dreaming about

chasing things likes cats and rabbits,

as we can see from this classic clip.

I imagine that dog has an active inner life.

Is that your dog dreaming about you?

Yes, cos I chase my dog(!)

-Do you?

-No. I haven't got a dog.

Not now you've chased him away.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Larry the Downing Street Cat. Napoleon Bonaparte.

Michael Heseltine.

And Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi.

Larry had a fight in Downing Street. With another cat.

-With...

-You're getting warm.

-With a cat called Palmerston.

-That's right.

There was a story this week... Michael Heseltine...

And it was declaring he shot a load of bats,

or birds, or badgers, or starlings...

-Yeah, this is all in the right area.

-..Rhinos.

-Yeah.

Combat with birds! The Italian Prime Minister's the odd one out

because he said to the pigeons of Rome, "You've got an amnesty,

"nobody'll kill you, we'll look after you."

-You've got the right answer but for the wrong reason.

-Ah.

-It's they've all fought with animals...

-Yes.

..apart from the Italian Prime Minister, Matteo Renzi

who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit.

Larry the Downing Street cat,

he's recently had a fight with Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat.

-Wow!

-Yeah!

How has Theresa May settled in with Larry?

She's wearing him as a coat.

-More like shoes!

-Kitten heels!

AUDIENCE GROAN

-She's not that keen on Larry.

-No.

She said in an interview with The Times...

And they had to dream about her.

Yeah.

Maybe that's her dog trying to run through a wall.

Napoleon. Do you know Napoleon's animal scuffle story?

It's after he signed the Treaty of Tilsit in 1807,

he was encouraged to do some celebratory rabbit shooting

in a park with friends and colleagues.

-How many rabbits do you think were laid on for him to shoot?

-75.

-175.

-Higher.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-75.

APPLAUSE

It was 1,000.

The Napoleonic general, Paul Thiebault,

who was there, said the rabbits...

And...

They also...

..and forced Napoleon...

More than the Austrian Army could do.

Michael Heseltine has admitted to killing 400 grey squirrels

in his garden in just nine months. He said...

He wants to watch that that doesn't get taken out of context.

Could end up with a job in the Cabinet.

Yes, they have all fought with animals apart from

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi who had to deny fighting

a fish at the G20 summit.

Theresa May was shocked to be confronted by the slippery,

thick-lipped, clammy, glass-eyed creature.

She didn't think Michael Gove had been invited.

Time now for the missing words round which this week features

as its guest publication...

-Yes!

-Uh-huh.

-..and publications of the slide-rule circle.

I get this. I get this one.

Good magazine but all of its readers are calculating bastards.

We start with...

-Mates with Jeremy the snail?

-Yeah.

-Oh...

"I love the way your circles go the other way."

It's in fact...

Here he is in action.

LAUGHTER

I always wondered why people are filming these incidents

before they happen. Maybe it's part of an experiment or something.

Is it an experiment to see whether frogs can...

-Do you think they got him drunk?

-Pick the pissed frog?

See that's what they do in laboratories, isn't it?

Let's get all the frogs drunk. Next...

Um... I've no idea what a slide rule is, so...

It's the thing you used to calculate on before calculators.

OK, and calculators were before phones?

Turn to the centrefold.

-Yeah.

-Turn to the centrefold immediately for further guidance.

It is...

People who use slide-rules always felt superior to those

who used calculators.

Fine, but if you turn a slide-rule upside down,

you can't get it to make the word "boobies".

Next...

-High self esteem.

-SNIGGERING

Is it bringing your top lip over your head

and using it as a bathing cap?

It's...

Here's what it looks like.

-Oh, that's rather good.

-So...

-Uh, well...

-I don't know.

-In what sense is that a living plant?

They're succulant.

It looks like a fungal infection that's really gone to work.

Anyway, now you can say it with flowers.

And finally...

Dave.

I beg your pardon?

BBC Parliament! See how you like it, yeah?

LAUGHTER

Nothing wrong with Dave.

A new streaming video service, Napflix, aims to lull viewers

to sleep by streaming the least thrilling footage they can find.

Programmes will include the 1964 documentary...

-Now available as a box set.

-Oh-ho-ho! Boom, boom!

The final scores are Ian and Rose have 4 points,

-but Paul and Chris are the winners with 9.

-Whey!

-Oh, well done.

Thank you, thank you.

I'm so sorry, Ian.

And I leave you with news that, in Liverpool, on John McDonnell's

orders, a security dog sinks its teeth into a rival's backside.

After a fleet of Russian warships is spotted in the English Channel,

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson issues an immediate response.

And as auditions begin for a remake of the film

Tarka The Otter, one young hopeful waits to see if he's got the part.

Goodnight.