Episode 5 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains adult humour.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

Frankie Boyle.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

CHEERING

I've been quite busy letting myself go.

I decided to stop caring about my appearance when I realised

that the reason that women weren't having sex with me

was because of my personality.

I'm quite out of shape at the moment.

At the moment, when I'm lying down and I get an erection,

it sort of looks like a motorcyclist emerging over the brow of a hill.

I don't think women mind. Women don't mind heavier guys.

I think women look at me and think,

"He would go down on me like a parched spaniel."

I have a theory.

I have a theory that masturbation is a kind of summoning spell

for your own rational mind.

Cos we're all so driven by hormones and by desire,

sometimes you've got to have a wank to speak to your real self.

You have a wank and you go,

"Oh, I should've shagged my ex one last time. I'll text her.

"I'll text her. I'll meet her, I'll shag her."

And then you come and a little voice comes on in your head that goes,

"Yeah, don't do that, mate."

You've got to be careful with jokes, haven't you?

Cos not everybody's got a sense of humour.

I can remember when I first realised

not everybody's got a sense of humour. I was 13.

I was at school and we were doing a class on stereotypes.

The teacher was a really good guy.

He was just talking about how stupid stereotypes are

and he was talking about a stereotype that day

that's so old-fashioned and so Scottish

that you definitely won't have heard it.

Have you ever heard the stereotype that deaf people are really strong?

That was a genuine thing when I was growing up.

Deaf people, particularly deaf and dumb people,

were believed to be really strong.

And the teacher said, "Think how stupid that is.

"Have you ever seen a deaf contender

"for the Heavyweight Championship of the World?"

And me, aged 13, I put my hand up and I went, "There was one, sir,

"but he was disqualified for punching after the bell."

And nobody laughed.

And I knew right then that life was going to feel pretty long.

You've got to have a bit of leeway with jokes, haven't you?

I can't write jokes for the average person, can I?

The average person is Chinese.

HE LAUGHS

We had the Queen's 90th birthday this year.

We had a street party round my way with jelly and ice cream.

Nothing to do with the Queen.

We were just trying to flush out a local paedophile.

The Queen has two birthdays a year,

one each for her human and lizard forms.

Don't get me wrong, I want the Queen to live a long life,

cos the longer she lives,

the more days we get off on holiday when she dies.

At the moment, she's a long weekend.

God bless her.

If she makes it to 100, we're going to get a week off.

Some people don't like the Queen.

There was a thing a couple of years ago...

There's a fund of money for very poor people

to heat their homes in an emergency.

And the Royal household tried to get hold of that money

to heat Buckingham Palace.

Heat Buckingham Palace!

We don't want her dying in winter.

A week off in winter is no good to anybody.

We want her to go at the height of summer

where we can turn it into three weeks in Tenerife.

"It's the funeral today, boys. Black armbands on the flumes."

I honestly think that the Government are saving the Queen's death

for when they need a really big distraction.

Theresa May'll go round there one week,

pull the pillow out of her briefcase and go, "I'm sorry, ma'am,

"I'm afraid that Isis have just landed in Cornwall."

So we had Brexit.

People are saying after Brexit

that British people don't trust experts any more.

I don't think that's the problem.

I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions

based on nothing at all.

Strong opinions... APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Strong opinions on very little information.

Because we're a decadent society.

It's exactly the same thing that happened to the ancient Romans

probably. I've never really bothered to find out.

I enjoyed voting in Brexit.

Not for the sake of democracy.

It's just rare for me to be allowed into a Scout hall unchallenged.

So we elected Theresa May.

We didn't even elect her! She just wandered in there

like she'd stepped out of a haunted mirror.

"Hello!"

Theresa May looks like she's entirely made out of bones,

doesn't she?

She looks like she's made out of the bones that they forgot

to put into Boris Johnson.

He's the Foreign Secretary!

A cross between a head injury and an unmade bed.

It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,

he might be the worst mammal.

There was a lot of racism post-Brexit.

I think British people just get immigrants to do the jobs

that they can't face doing themselves,

which is why Nigel Farage has a German wife.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

My favourite Farage thing was when he dodged the question

of whether he thought Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.

And I think Idris Elba would be a great James Bond

cos I want to see a Bond movie where the pre-credits sequence

is just a black guy trying to drive an Aston Martin

through central London.

"Someone seems to be shooting at us, Bond."

"I think it's the Met."

I don't want to sound like I'm too down on racists here.

Some of my best friends are racists.

Although, to be fair, they're black and they've got a point.

There's a kind of anti-refugee racism in the air,

especially in the summer.

You know, you'd read about some guy rowing over here in a sink.

And people would be going, "Oh, send him back."

Don't send him back, there was an Olympics coming up!

Get him involved!

There's this element to anti-refugee racism.

People say, "Oh, Isis are sending agents disguised as refugees.

"Isis are infiltrating Britain as refugees."

That's not happening.

And I can prove that it's not happening.

Cos Isis recruit people from here to go and fight in Syria,

to go and fight in Iraq.

Why would they be sending anyone?

Do you think someone's phoning up Isis tomorrow going,

LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "All right, mate?

"I could nip down to London tomorrow and do a bit of terrorism.

"Are you up for it?"

"No, you come here!

"Ahmed will do the terrorism!

"Ahmed is currently clinging to a mattress

"in the middle of the Mediterranean.

"Ahmed will do the terrorism."

"It's no bother, mate. I can get a day return on the Megabus."

"No! You come here,

"through several strict border and security checks.

"Ahmed will do the terrorism.

"Ahmed is currently on a raft made out of old 7 Up bottles.

"He's fighting off sharks with a Vileda SuperMop.

"Ahmed is our top agent and it's vital that he spends

"the next five years in a refugee camp,

"living out a real-life version of The Hunger Games,

"where the first prize is a sandwich."

I should point out - Americans do need to worry about refugees.

Americans do need to worry.

Cos a refugee in America might get involved in a mass shooting,

just to try and fit in.

I honestly think there'll be peace in the Middle East

once the oil runs out.

Although, knowing their luck, someone will invent a replacement

that involves mixing sand with falafel.

My family, for generations before me, they were sheep farmers.

Shepherds, really.

And I kind of think I'm a bit like that.

I like being on my own, like walks,

and I make my living controlling large crowds of stupid animals.

Do you know the job I would've liked to have?

I would've liked to have worked on a bin lorry.

That's the one job where you can really shout your head off

all day long.

SHOUTING: "Is that a bin over there?

"Bring it over here, put it in the bin lorry.

"There's another bin.

"I'll get it. I'll bring it up to the bin lorry.

"I'll drive the bin lorry forward a bit.

"You get the bins."

They could do that job in complete silence, couldn't they?

Just have a wee meeting at the start of the shift every day.

"OK, let's agree that when we're out there today,

"we're going to pick up all the bins.

"Put them in the bin lorry."

I'd have liked to be a doctor.

I think that a sense of humour goes a long way as a doctor.

"What do you mean, you want a second opinion?

"You've already had one. He said it was Alzheimer's as well."

I don't like celebrity atheists.

I don't trust them. I am an atheist.

I was a very bad Catholic,

unless you include my attitude to condoms,

in which case I was an absolutely amazing Catholic.

Cos religions have done good things.

The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War.

Liberation theology in Central America,

those people all got killed.

They got killed for standing up for poor people.

And what's the reward?

To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.

I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist

when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.

APPLAUSE

I was walking down the street today and I saw a homeless guy.

I went to give him some money and I realised I only had a £20 note.

I thought, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

And I decided that I didn't,

so I gave it to the homeless guy.

This only happens to me in London.

You get people who go, "Don't give them money!

"They just spend it on beer and fags."

I'd always assumed that they were spending it on beer and fags.

I've never given money to a homeless guy and thought,

"I hope he's putting that into his ISA."

I don't trust the super-rich.

Do you know that there are now hotels for the super-rich that

are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow,

that's actually a codeword?

That's a code for a prostitute.

Imagine that. You phone down,

you ask for an extra pillow,

and a prostitute turns up.

Now you've got two prostitutes.

And only one pillow to smother them with.

Ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready for your first act of the evening?

CHEERING

She's one of our best sitcom writers.

She's also one of our best comedians.

Give it up and show a lot of love to Holly Walsh!

CHEERING

Oh, my gosh!

So much attention!

CHEERING

This is unbelievable.

I don't think you understand. In real life, I am so easily ignored.

I was in a minicab the other day and the driver pulled over

to pick up another fare cos he forgot I was in the back.

I'm so socially awkward, I was like, "I don't know what to say!"

Anyway, long story short,

it was quite a nice walk back from Heathrow.

So this is nice to be in a theatre. You guys fans of theatres?

-SLIGHT CHEERING

-I love going to theatre, I love it!

I tell you what I don't like - plays.

Not in it for the plays.

I love curtain calls.

Combine my three favourite things.

Clapping, bowing,

and pointing smugly at corners of the room.

Love it!

What an awesome way to finish work, with a curtain call.

I don't think it should just be actors who get that.

I think everyone deserves a curtain call when they finish work.

Like the guy who delivers your pizza, you're like,

"Thanks a lot, mate." Take it off him, shut the door. Bing-bong.

You're like, "Thank you." Shut the door again. Bing-bong.

There he is again, this time holding hands

with the entire cast of Domino's Lewisham.

I'm a mum. I just had a baby. I like him.

-SLIGHT CHEERING

-Thank you. Woo!

Yeah, go me and my ovaries. Cool.

I have a little baby. I like him. I like the baby.

I did not like being pregnant. It was not fun being pregnant.

I was so confused.

Even the words they use.

You know, like people say, "Oh, you fall pregnant."

"She fell pregnant." I didn't fall pregnant.

I was facedown on a futon when it happened.

Like, I couldn't have fallen. I was already down.

People are like, "Did you use protection?"

Well, I had a crash mat, if that's what you mean.

Cos that is such a personal question to ask someone,

"When are you going to have kids, then, eh?"

All my mum's friends. "When are you going to have kids?

"When are you going to have kids?" So personal.

Whenever they ask me that, I like to turn the tables.

I was like, "I don't know. When are you going into a home?"

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

But I swear I knew nothing about sex as a teenager.

I think the closest I came to having sex at that time

was when I was doing lengths in the local pool

and a man accidentally butterflied over me.

I mean, I lost my virginity so late in the end

that when it finally happened I wasn't so much deflowered

as dead-headed.

But I wish I was sexually confident, like, in my 20s.

Love to be like that. Love to have been a player.

You know what I'm talking about? Strippers. That's...

Weirdly, I kind of admire strippers. I would love to be like a stripper.

I would love to just be able to stand on stage and own it.

Like, know I was sexy.

That would be awesome, you know?

I would be the world's worst lap-dancer.

I could not sit on a man's knee and not want to make giddy-up noises.

And strip-joints, they're designed to be alluring.

I challenge anyone in this room, even if you agree with them or not,

to walk past a strip-joint and a bit of you is not like,

"Oh, my God, what's happening?" Because they've got, like,

the blacked-out windows and the bouncers on the door.

There's always a bit of you that's like, "Oh, my God,

"what are they doing in there?"

And it's exactly the same feeling as when I was a kid

and I used to walk past the school staffroom.

You'd walk past it and you'd be like,

"Oh, man, what is happening in there?"

I mean, it turns out, both are full of adults

whose lives didn't work out as planned.

The thing I find the weirdest about strip-joints,

if you've ever been to one, everywhere you go,

all these big signs, "Do not touch the women.

"Please do not touch the ladies."

The strippers always say, "The fact that the men can't touch us,

"that's what makes our job really empowering."

And I always think, "Well, that's not really empowering, is it?

"Cos that's the same rule in every other workplace in the country."

You don't walk in a shop and it says, "Welcome to Tesco's.

"Don't finger the staff."

I am a terrible flirt.

And not like, "Oh, she's a terrible flirt," but more like,

"Did she just mention ringworm?" sort of flirt.

Like, I didn't even realise I was going out with my husband

for the first, like, year.

I thought we were just friends with benefits.

The benefits in question being Orange Wednesdays.

I get very worried about offending people.

I get so paranoid about saying the wrong thing, honestly.

Like, a few months ago, like...

Basically, it was my first night out since the baby was born

and I had a couple of real ales. I had a glass of white wine,

which is never a good idea.

Honestly, I've never once drank white wine and not used the phrase,

"Why don't you just dump me, then?"

We were a bit... We were a bit tipsy. We'd had a couple.

And halfway through the evening, my friend was like,

"Oh, my God. I've just worked out who you look like," to me and I go,

"Who?" And he goes, "You look like a young Mary Berry."

I was like, "Fine. She's a good GILF. OK, yeah. Fine."

Now, the thing is my friend looks just like Denzel Washington.

Like, identical to Denzel Washington.

I was just about to tell him

when my stupid white middle-class brain said,

"You cannot tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington.

"You can't do that because he's going to think you're only saying

"Denzel Washington because they're both black

"and just like the Oscars, you can't think of many black actors.

"That's what he's going to think.

"He's going to think you're a massive racist.

"Do you want that? Huh?"

And then my brain went, "Yeah,

"but if you don't tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington,"

and by the way he does look a lot like Denzel Washington,

just the same as I look like Mary Berry,

and that's not racist to compare us.

Like, just like they do look similar,

"If you don't tell him he looks like Denzel Washington,

"then you're treating your friend differently

"because of the colour of his skin

"and that does make you a massive racist."

And I was like, "Besides, Denzel Washington is super hot."

Like, I remember, as a teenager,

I watched Pelican Brief for the first time,

I had a very vivid sex-dream that Denzel butterflied over me.

So I said to my friend, because I thought in my head,

"Cos I'm not a racist,

"I'm just going to tell him he looks like Denzel."

So I said, "Wow. Well,

"I've always thought you looked like Denzel Washington."

My friend then looked at me like a little bit confused and he went,

"That's so weird

"cos a lot of people say I look like Laurence Fishburne."

And I was like, "Oh, that's who I meant.

Of course, it's the guy out of Fresh Prince. I am such a dick.

Anyway, you have been absolutely lovely.

Thank you so much. Goodnight!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Holly Walsh, ladies and gentlemen! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Are you ready for your second act of the evening?

CHEERING

He's a very funny guy and a good friend of mine.

I just want you to show him a lot of love.

Please give it up for Mr Jack Carroll!

APPLAUSE

Hello, Live At The Apollo!

CHEERING

Wow.

I can see a few of you in the audience are struggling to place me.

"Was he on the Paralympics?" No, that's not me.

"Was he on Undateables, is it?" It's not...

It's not me.

"Does he present Bake Off?"

APPLAUSE

It's not me.

I was actually a contestant on Britain's Got Talent.

A few of you have twigged.

I was that dog, so...

It's lovely to be here.

My mum calls me her little Superman.

I was over the moon,

until I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.

It is lovely to be out of the house, London,

cos I don't know about you,

but my family are glued to that black box in the corner of the room.

I mean, my grandma's been dead for months now.

All joking aside, we do watch quite a lot of telly in our house.

I was watching an episode of daytime cookery show

The Hairy Bikers recently,

where the Hairy Bikers walked around Auschwitz

and then made a goulash.

Now, let's just examine that for a second.

Who, after walking round Auschwitz and having their eyes opened

to the full extent of human depravity, goes,

"Well, I'm a bit peckish.

"I fancy a goulash."

What's next? Cash In The Attic at the Anne Frank Museum?

I, erm... I've recently started swimming again.

And I love the swimming pool because in there

I can do my two favourite things,

urinate in public and drown people.

My swimming stroke would best be described as how you might look

if you dropped a toaster in the bath.

The one... The one positive to

having such an eclectic swimming stroke

is that you have to command your lane in the swimming pool.

You can't take any prisoners.

And because my swimming stroke is so lethal, it's fantastic for that.

I mean, I've knocked out four old women this week.

And that's just on land.

I also recently went skiing.

It takes a couple of seconds to compute that sentence

in relation to this thing, don't it?

I can see a few of you thinking,

"Can Northerners go skiing?"

APPLAUSE

We can.

Although my skiing instructor had much the same reaction as you guys

when I rocked up in the frame. He was like, "What, you?

"Really? Does he know he's disabled?

"Has anyone...

"sat him down and told him?"

"Well, they're not going to stand him up, are they?

"That would be counter-productive."

But I did. I skied, stood up, successfully.

And most people, if they were in my situation and that happened to them,

would think, as the wind was flowing through their hair

and the snow was crunching underneath their feet,

they would think, "What a fantastic achievement that is,

"against all the odds."

I thought, "Oh, shit. I'm going to lose some benefits."

I just had to just throw myself over...

..in case the Government were watching.

Better safe than sorry.

It's lovely to be here. In my time in London,

I have actually picked up a few London phrases

that seem to act as kryptonite to Northerners such as myself.

I'm going to reel a few of these off now.

London phrases that act as kryptonite to Northerners.

Number one -

"What's a Greggs?"

Number two -

"£5 is actually pretty reasonable for a pint."

APPLAUSE

Number three -

"Siri understands every word I sa-ay."

Number four -

"Actually, it's not OK to hit your kids."

Bloody Londoners and your new-fangled attitudes

towards parenting. What are you like?

I, erm... I was in London recently and, on a side note,

if you're trying to get a taxi in central London,

maybe don't use a walking frame?

I was trying to hail a cab in central London the other day

and all the taxis just turned their lights off in a big row.

Just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

It felt like being the Yorkshire Ripper on an episode of Take Me Out.

Well, I am going to go in just a second.

But before I do, I would very much...

You seem like a lovely crowd

and I would very much like to try something with you.

Is that something you might be up for?

-CHEERING

-Lovely.

You've agreed to it now, that's a verbal contract so...

A little bit of background.

In my spare time,

I like to watch videos of American faith healers on YouTube.

Now...

You've got to have a hobby.

These guys, what they do is, if you haven't seen them,

they are American reverends who reckon they can cure

pretty much any ailment, right?

And I've picked up a few tips and tricks that I would like

to put to the test here this evening.

But I am going to need your help.

So, what I want you to do, on the count of three,

is get up out of your seat, raise your hands to the sky

and begin to chant, "Praise, praise, praise."

And I am going to see whether I can get myself into this sacred state

and heal myself, OK?

Are you ready for that? On the count of three.

One, two, three. Up, up.

-AUDIENCE:

-Praise!

-Praise, praise, praise.

Praise, praise, praise.

Praise, praise, praise.

Praise, praise, praise.

-Hallelujah! It's a miracle!

-CHEERING

Yes! We did it!

Yes!

Praise be!

APPLAUSE

Yes!

Shit, is that someone from the Benefits Office?

Right, well...

I'd better be going.

Apollo, you have been absolutely beautiful.

I've been Jack Carroll. Goodnight and God bless.

-Forever onwards towards victory.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jack Carroll, ladies and gentlemen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Our thanks to Jack Carroll, our thanks to Holly Walsh.

Take care of yourselves. All the best.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING