Episode 2 Live at the Apollo

This programme contains adult humour

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rhod Gilbert!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.

Good evening.

-Good evening. Are you well?

-CHEERING

Welcome to Live At The Apollo. Each and every one of you is very, very welcome here.

We have a wonderful show. We have some famous faces as always in the audience.

Esther Rantzen is here. Where are you, Esther?

Look at that. We have Olympians, ladies and gentlemen.

We have our Olympians.

CHEERING

Who else? Tommy Walsh. Tommy Walsh is there. Look at that!

Lembit Opik is here.

Of course he bloody is!

I'm not going to pick on you. I'm not. I'm not.

No, I'm not! Somebody laughed at that idea. I'm not going to pick on anyone.

I'm a reformed character,

ladies and gentlemen. I stand in front of you... This is the new me.

I used to be quite a petty, angry person...

You may have seen me on television ranting and raving on the odd occasion. I am not any more

because I have had...

er, what is it? I've had anger management.

WHISTLING

I have. I've had anger management and this, ladies and gentleman,

is the actual anger management diary

that I had from when I was doing my anger management sessions. I'm not going to embarrass anyone.

I'm not going to ask if you've had anger management or ever seen an anger management diary.

Basically, every time you get angry, you write it down in this diary.

It's a bit like a normal diary

-except every day somebody gets twatted, right?

-LAUGHTER

I can guarantee you somebody gets the shit kicked out of them

every day of my diary.

It's a sort of cross between Bridget Jones' diary and Mel Gibson's,

if you can imagine such a thing.

And I'm going to take you through some of the entries in my diary

Basically, the way it works is you go...

Well, I went every two weeks.

And in the interim, you leave the meeting and they give you

an anger management diary and you have to write down

every single time you got angry, who you got angry with, who said what to whom,

how you could have avoided, what you've learnt from the whole experience...

I'm going to level with you. Filling this out pisses you off

more than anything else that happens in the two weeks.

Because it's tedious. Every time you get angry, you've got to write it down.

And partly as well, there are stupid questions on this diary.

I know in every area of life, every form we ever fill in, there are stupid questions.

But bear in mind the context. You're angry when you pick this up.

By definition, you are pissed off when you reach for this diary

and then you come to questions like this, right.

Look at this shit. Every incident, I had to fill this out.

On a scale of one to ten, where one is not at all angry

-and ten is feelings of very strong anger or rage...

-LAUGHTER

..how angry would you say you were at the start of this particular incident?

I've put, "What's the point in having a scale

where one is not at all angry on a pissing anger management diary?"

When are you going to get so wound up you think,

"This is going straight in the diary. Give me that bloody diary.

"Right. One, not at all angry. There you go."

When is that going to happen?!

If I'm honest, I was in the wrong frame of mind filling this out

because if I read this diary out to you...

If you read all of it in chronological order, you would see that this worked over time.

If you're doing anger management or counselling, stick with it because I think it works.

It works out over time, but it doesn't work overnight.

And I'm going to read you some of the early examples

from my anger management diary where I think you will detect

from the tone that I'm not quite in the right frame of mind yet.

Let's see if you can hear it. "Who or what..." This is an early one.

"Who or what would you say was the main cause of your stress

or feelings of anger on this particular occasion?"

I've put, "First Great Western rail company

"deciding that me popping to London on the train from Cardiff

"should cost the same as an all-inclusive seven-night holiday in Spain."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There we go.

I put in brackets, "For a family of 43."

"In your own words," it says, "In your own words describe

"how you felt at the time. I've put, "Well, in my own words,

"I felt like First Great Western had pulled my trousers and pants down,

"bent me over the counter and force fed

"an entire baseball bat into my bottom."

LAUGHTER

Can you hear the tone? Not quite in the right frame of mind.

Then it says, "What action did you take to combat the stress

"or feelings of anger? For example, counting to ten

"or breathing exercises." I put, "I wrote everything down

"in this amazing anger management diary

"and I instantly felt so relaxed I barely noticed

"the last nine inches of bat going in."

LAUGHTER

This is not somebody who's in the right frame of mind, is it?

Here's another one. Here's another one.

You can tell I'm just not the right headspace.

"Who or what would you say was the main cause of your stress of feelings of anger on this occasion?"

I've put, "Our dickhead electrician," right?

Which immediately isn't off to a great start.

Then it says, "Our dickhead electrician not turning up to

"do the lights in our kitchen for the ninth time in two weeks."

"Give details of any conversations you had."

"I didn't have any conversations. The dickhead didn't turn up."

LAUGHTER

"How was the situation resolved?"

"With dickhead not turning up and me cooking in the dark again."

It says, "Using this experience,

"what would you do differently in the event of a similar incident?"

I've put, "Invent a luminous pie." Right?

LAUGHTER

To be fair, to be fair to me, right, in my defence,

I do think I was up against...

Maybe I got unlucky with my builder friend. Tommy, you can tell me.

Did I get unlucky? I know you are a builder, not an electrician,

but you can still answer this question.

What would be your absolute record in a row for not turning up

when you promised you would?

-Four.

-Four. God bless your honesty!

Because my electrician...

Did I get unlucky? Because 14 times he didn't turn up

when he promised he would.

You know, 14 times incidentally, where I sat on my arse

watching shit daytime television, no offence, Tommy...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I sat on my arse twiddling my thumbs,

watching shit daytime telly.

Presumably, he did exactly the same thing round at his house

but that he came. He finally came, right...

Have you ever seen anything this incompetent, right,

because I'm 43 and I've travelled the world,

I've seen a thing or two but I've never seen anything this shit.

I've never seen anything this incompetent in any area of life.

This electrician came and he fitted... What you call it?

-You know double plug sockets.

-Yes.

He fitted 15 of those, all around the lounge,

all around the dining room. 13 of them, Tommy, are awesome.

Awesome. Some of the finest plug sockets you'll ever see in your

life. Beautiful pieces of work.

Two of them, however, the upside pissing down.

How is that even possible? Have you ever seen that?

I've never seen an upside-down plug...

Literally, the switch is at the top, you push it in.

Half the light switches are on the wrong way round as well, right?

I can live with that.

I was going to complain about that until I saw the plug sockets.

I'll leave it go because it's not the end of the world.

Some of them are on when they are up,

some are on when they are down. It's a bit inconvenient. They all work.

Until you come to change a light bulb

and then it's Russian roulette, frankly.

I let it go. I let the light switches go.

We've all seen that before.

I've never seen upside down sockets. I rang him, right.

The conversation I had with my attrition is in my anger management diary.

This is the conversation with my electrician because he has

put two plug sockets upside down in our lounge. I rang him, right.

I said, "This is a bit awkward.

"But you seem to have fitted two of the plug sockets upside down."

Do you know what he said, Tommy? "Are you sure?"

I said, "I think so. I'm pretty sure. Let me just check.

"Oh, hang on, my girlfriend has just come in.

"Her head seems to be roughly the same height as mine.

"Her eyes are above her mouth.

"When we drop things, they fall towards our feet.

"We seem to be the right way up, mate."

This is a genuine question from my electrician to me. A genuine question.

"Would you prefer them all the same way up, would you?"

"I think I would. I'm old school. What can I say? I can't help it."

And he's always on the front foot. He's one of those people.

He would never take criticism, this guy.

He's like, "What do you want me to do about it?"

He's on the phone, "What do you expect me to do about it?

I said, "There seem to be two choices.

"One involves you popping back to the house

"and turning the two sockets round.

"And the other one involves you trying to persuade the entire world

"to starting to live upside down, doesn't it?

"I should point out, if you do decide to go down at second route,

"it could actually involve a lot more work for you in the long run

"because once you've travelled the world, spreading

"the topsy-turvy Gospel according to St Pissing Nutjob

"The Inverted, you'll have to bounce back here on your head and redo

"the 13 sockets you put on the right way round in the first place."

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen of the wonderful Hammersmith Apollo,

are you ready to welcome your first act of the evening?

CHEERING

Start cheering, start whooping and go wild and crazy

for the wonderful talents that are Kerry Godliman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Hello.

How lovely! This is lovely. I'm so happy to be to be here.

Generally, I like coming to work these days cos I love my job.

I like this job because I'm allowed to be sarcastic at work, you know,

which I'm sure many of you do, but I'm contractually obligated to be

sarcastic at work. I used to do it in my old job.

I remember. I was like, "Oooh, well done, Toby.

"That's a brilliant spaceship, you dick." LAUGHTER

That is how I lost my job in the primary school, really.

It's weird. Sarcasm is very popular, isn't it, in this country?

We go mental for it. We love sarcasm.

Sometimes I think it's too popular. Sometimes I think it creeps

into situations where it doesn't really belong.

I'll give you an example. Recently, I was at the dentist

and they had a poster in the waiting room

and it said, "Question - do I have to floss between all of my teeth?

"Answer - no, just the ones you want to keep."

LAUGHTER

I don't think sarcasm is appropriate in a medical context, really.

I mean, where do you draw the line with that?

What if you're at the doctor's, in the waiting room

and there's a poster on the wall and it says, "Question...

"can I eat all the pies?"

"Answer - yeah, you carry on, you thick, fat prat."

LAUGHTER

That would be quite an aggressive campaign, wouldn't it?

Although what's tragic is you wouldn't reel back in shock

if you saw it in this country. You'd be like, "Oh, right. Well, I'll lay off the pies then."

I've maxed out all my credit cards. I love the adverts

on the radio for credit cards when the woman's really excited

and she's like, get this credit card cos it's brilliant

and there's zero interest for nine long months

and you can buy loads of stuff

and you can go into absolute denial about debt

and it might even make you come and then...

Right at the end, she goes, "Subject to availability,

"fixed-rate variable APR, terms and conditions apply." What did you just say then?

That's not a reasonable way of communicating, is it?

You wouldn't tolerate being spoken to in that manner

in any other situation in your life. You wouldn't put up with it.

You wouldn't put up with it if, for example, you were out on a date

and you thought to yourself, this bloke's attractive.

And he says to you, "I think you're attractive and I am solvent...

"and I've got absolutely no emotional baggage,

"but I will be intending to take you up the arse, not return your calls and erode your self-confidence."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sorry. I didn't catch everything you said then.

You gabbled a bit then at the end.

"Don't worry, darling. Do you want another little glass of wine?

"Do hope you're game for a tit wank. I'll be recording it for training purposes."

That would be quite unsettling, wouldn't it?

Initially.

LAUGHTER

Push through.

The other quite nice thing about this job is

not only am I allowed to be sarcastic, I'm allowed to exaggerate.

All comedians exaggerate.

It's quite a comedic conceit to use, exaggeration.

And women are very good at exaggerating, generally speaking.

We're a lot better than men at it, I think, apart from the...cock stuff.

We're much better. We're much better at exaggerating than men.

Women are very good at just slightly overreacting

to arguably trivial things,

We've got that covered. You know when a woman puts her hand in her handbag

to find her purse...

but she doesn't immediately find her purse?

LAUGHTER

"I've lost my purse. I'm not being funny.

"I'm going to have to cancel all of my cards now and everything.

"Oh, hang on. I've found it. I found it.

"I hadn't checked the front pocket. What am I like?!"

You're like a prick.

LAUGHTER

I think my tolerance for these things isn't very good anyway.

I'm quite a grumpy woman really. I'm quite tired, that's the problem.

I'm sleep deprived. I don't get enough kip.

It's because I've got three young children.

I've got a baby and I've got a slightly older one,

and a bigger one...in the car.

LAUGHTER

And it's weird being this tired because I mean I'm proper knackered.

Of course there's a lot of make-up on my face to be honest.

It's like a burqa of foundation...

on my face.

Some days, I wear a burqa - I think, "Sod it, I can't work with this."

LAUGHTER

There's loads of women round my way that wear burqas

and they're not all Muslim women, I'm telling you now.

Some of them are women having a bad hair day that are like,

"Right, burqa day - I'm doing the school run. Get in the car!"

So thank God for make-up.

Honestly, I properly cake it on, you know.

I'm not as close to you as you think I am - that's how much make-up...

No, I am tired. And I should've known I would be tired,

cos I had mates that had kids before me and they said,

"You will be tired." Because it's a real war story, isn't it,

with new parents - they do go on about it.

They're always banging on about it, like, "When you have a kid, right?

"YOU BLEED FROM YOUR EYES!"

LAUGHTER

And, before I had children, I didn't...

I couldn't have given less of a toss, really.

I remember thinking, "All right,

"you haven't got a monopoly on tiredness, have you, you breeders?"

I used to think to myself, "I know what tired is, actually.

"Tired's when you work ALL DAY and then you go to the pub after work

"and you stay until closing

"and then maybe you go to a club and take class-A drugs

"and sleep with a stranger and then get a minicab home."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You do all that AND breast-feed.

Cos I'm not being funny...

..it does ratchet up, it does.

Proper knackered now.

It is very interesting,

cos I-I find that it's very difficult

communicating with very young children,

that's the thing that I have found particularly to be a challenge.

Because, like, my daughter's at an age now

where she's asking very big questions - big stuff, heavy things.

Like death and "Where do we go when we die?"

and "How will I die?" and "What happens after we die?"

and "Where to babies come from? and "Where do I come from?"

It's like, "Argh! Google it!"

LAUGHTER

And I...

I suppose I-I aspire to have answers for all her questions.

You know, everything.

Like, "Mummy, Mummy, what's dogging?"

LAUGHTER

"Right, OK, darling. Well...

"..dogging...

"is when...

"..three or four people...

"that love each other...

"go to a car park...

"Go and ask your dad!"

LAUGHTER

Because it's hard.

It's hard communicating with emotionally underdeveloped people.

I'll give you an example - last Christmas,

we were doing the advent calendar, right?

And she was three at the time and she insisted - she INSISTED -

that the number eight came sequentially after the number five.

Now, you're thinking, "Does it matter, Kerry? She's only three."

But when you haven't had any sodding sleep,

you get into these debates with these people!

And she didn't put it in a cute way,

she put it like Gordon Ramsay running a Greggs.

And I-I know that I'm supposed to be

this sort of sanguine vision of motherhood,

but I'm not naturally adept at it -

I take her to toddler group

and I'm like, "Right. You can't punch Milo in the face."

And she goes, "Why not?"

Which is a good question, cos Milo is a bit of a dick.

"Right, you can't, babe. You can't, because..."

"it makes ME look bad."

She doesn't care, really.

And it's hard.

I mean, I thought I was tired when I had one kid, but now

I look back on that, that was just like having an accessory, really.

Now...

Now that I've got two, I'm properly broken.

I-I think they're trying to kill me.

LAUGHTER

I do - I hear them talking about it on the landing.

They have little conferences.

One's like, "Right, I'll-I'll get up at five, right?

"And I'll be inexplicably perky.

"And then, just as I'm winding down for my nap...

"YOU CRANK UP!"

LAUGHTER

"Start going mental for Coco Pops!

"She ain't been shopping!"

SHE LAUGHS

"I think we can kill her! High-five."

LAUGHTER

My judgment isn't reliable - I'm too tired to be sure,

but, er...

No, it's very hard.

I-I prepared for motherhood by watching Supernanny.

That's-that's how I prepared.

I know - I don't really know what I was thinking.

I-I got smug, in fact.

I remember watching it and thinking, "Right, I've sussed this out.

"I'm not going to end up like one of those

"wet, middle-class mothers that say things like, 'Megan...

" 'You're really upsetting Mummy, Megan.' "

LAUGHTER

" 'No, Megan. Don't-don't cut Mummy, Megan.

" 'No, Megan, no. No, not Mummy's face!

" 'NOT MUMMY'S FA-A-ACE!' "

That was a classic one, the one with Megan. Classic Supernanny, that one.

Er, they show it in high schools now as a sort of contraceptive.

LAUGHTER

So, um...

No, I'm exaggerating. I said I would. It's lovely.

I'm thoroughly enjoying family life. It's-it's delightful.

I like being married as well. I got married just over a year ago.

I enjoy being married. It's, er... It's lovely.

I think I like it a lot mostly because I very vividly remember

being single and I wasn't so good at that.

I was single for years, like years and years, before I met my bloke.

You know when women have been single for years, they go a bit feral?

I was a bit like that. I used to ring up man-in-a-van numbers and go,

"Don't bring the van. You won't need the van."

LAUGHTER

But I was very nervous about getting married. I was particularly nervous

about becoming a Bridezilla. That's what made me anxious

I've seen a lot of that. I've seen it happen.

Women that are normal one minute and then they get engaged

and start planning their wedding and something clicks

and they're like...

SHE GROWLS: "It's my day. It's my day. I want to be like a princess."

So I was quite nervous about it and I waited a long time

for my bloke to propose to me.

I had wanted him to propose in a spontaneous, unforeseen way.

I would have loved that. But I did get sick of waiting for that,

so in the end I clearly instructed him to propose to me

in a spontaneous, unforeseen way.

It does get quite wearing, walking past sunsets going,

"No. Now. Now. Down!"

"Oh, forget it. Get up."

We got there in the end, I kind of brought the topic up

in a breezy way with him, as if I wasn't bothered.

I said, "Oh, yeah. Hey, why have you never...

"Why have you never proposed to me?"

SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY

ANGRILY: "Why have you never proposed to me?

"I want my day!"

And he was a bit bewildered, as you can imagine, to be honest.

He was like, "What?" He said, "Come on, Kerry.

"When we first met, you said that you didn't believe in marriage.

"You said it didn't suit a post-feminist ideology

"because it was rooted in the ownership of women."

I said, "Did I? Did I say that? I don't remember I said that."

He said, "Yeah, you said it didn't suit the autonomous

"or spontaneous nature of the human experience."

I said, "Well, screw that. I've changed my mind, haven't I?

"I said a lot of things at the beginning of this relationship

"that I didn't mean and I did a lot of things that I don't do any more."

LAUGHTER

I said, "If you'd been listening carefully at the beginning of this relationship

"you'd have heard me say that blow jobs will be subject to availability, non-fixed rate, variable APR..."

You've been absolutely delightful. Do enjoy the rest of your evening. Take care.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Kerry Godliman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll tell you who else we've got... Where's Jeremy Edwards?

There he is, little Jeremy Edwards. Actor, Holby, Hollyoaks... Anything recently?

LAUGHTER INAUDIBLE SPEECH

Casualty!

-Casualty? Oh, you've literally been in casualty?

-Yeah.

Not acting, you've just had an accident?

How have you damaged your wrist so violently?

LAUGHTER

-Punching a comedian.

-Punching a comedian?!

-APPLAUSE

-Very nice, very nice.

I was reading about you... I don't know if this is true

because I Wikipedia-jobbed it. Didn't you use to work in the canteen in Reading railway station?

-Yes, I did. Yeah, yeah.

-Really? What were you doing?

-Washing pots, big pots.

-Washing pots?

-Yeah.

I bet they didn't call it that, though. They never do on the trains.

They never call a spade a spade. They're full of shit on the trains.

I imagine you were a Fairy Liquid consultant or something, were you?

Or a soap-sud distributor or a crockery-hygiene specialist?

This is my current favourite on the trains, when they go,

"Ladies and gentlemen, the buffet car is now open,

"serving a selection of hot and cold snacks, teas, coffees, biscuits, crisps."

Then I'm thinking, "Please say it." And then they go,

-"On board today we have our travelling chef."

-LAUGHTER

Piss off!

Travelling chef now, is he? That's awesome.

That's the biggest piece of bull... Travelling.... Old toasty Geoff.

Fair play, toasty Geoff is now a travelling chef.

Have a look in his kitchen.

Normally, you don't get access to the world's top chefs' kitchens.

You can on the trains.

Stick your head round the counter. You can see straight in.

Consists entirely of a microwave and a pair of tongs. That's all he's got in there.

He's not a travelling chef. I've a got a plastic spoon

and a Tracker bar in my coat pocket.

I'm not Marco Pierre White, right?

"Who's that... Who's that with the sandwich trolley, darling?

"I think it's Heston Blumenthal!

"Heston, I'll have a Twix!"

Maybe, maybe it's just me. Maybe you do get a Michelin star

for turning round and passing somebody a Kit Kat, I dunno.

I'll tell you on thing I do know, though,

that you definitely don't get.

You definitely do not get...

You know the very best chefs in the world,

they definitely don't have to close their restaurant to do a stock take

just because two people in a row order an egg and cress sandwich,

I'll tell you that.

I can laugh about it now but not back then when it happened.

We had a 40-minute ding-dong about that egg and cress sandwich

cos he wouldn't sell me an egg and cress sandwich

because it was his last one and if he sold it to me,

people wouldn't know he did egg and cress sandwiches.

That's the travelling chef, he wouldn't...

It's in my anger management diary, here we go. It's in my diary.

This is a convoluted conversation.

You're just going to have to hang in there and follow it, all right?

This is the conversation I had.

I said, "I'll have an egg and cress sandwich, please."

Travelling chef, "I haven't got any."

Me, "Yeah, there's one behind you on the shelf there."

Him, "Oh, that's just the last one.

"That's to show the range of sandwiches we do, sir."

Me, "What?"

Him, "That's just to show the range of sandwiches we do, sir."

Me, "Before we go any further,

"can I just get this straight in my own head?

"You're keeping an egg and cress sandwich on the shelf

"to show that you do egg and cress sandwiches

"but you're not doing egg and cress sandwiches. Is that right?"

He said, "They are in the range.

"We just haven't got any at the moment."

I said, "You have. I can see it.

"At the risk of this turning

"into one of the shittest pantomimes of all time...it's behind you."

APPLAUSE

He said, "If that one goes,

"people won't know we do egg and cress sandwiches."

I said, "But you don't do them.

"I'm trying to get one and look at the state of me!"

He said, "We do do them."

I said, "Oh, good. I'll have one then!"

He said, "We haven't got any."

I said, "You have, you travelling, pissing chef!

"I can see it I can see the cress sticking out from behind the egg.

"Either that or it's the worst mirage I've ever come across!"

He said, "Look."

He said, "Look, sir."

He said, "It's quite simple."

I thought, "Is it?"

He said, "It's quite simple. We'll be re-stocking later

"and I want people to know we'll have egg and cress sandwiches

"in the range once we've re-stocked."

I said, "Well, once you've restocked

"there'll be egg and cress sandwiches on the shelf,

"won't there? Once you've restocked, there'll be egg and cress sandwiches

"on the shelf and people will come along and they'll use

"their eyes and their brains in tandem to assess the situation.

"They'll realise you do egg and cress sandwiches.

"you'll give them one and the whole thing will work like clockwork

"but at the moment this system you're operating

"is fundamentally flawed.

"You're only helping one group of people as far as I can see

"and they are egg and cress sandwich spotters!

"People who don't even want egg and cress sandwiches at the moment.

"They've just come to the buffet to investigate whether you'll have

"egg and cress sandwiches in the future,

"only by the time they're back you could be down to your last one again

"and you'll have to go through this shit with someone else,

"only they're going to be even more annoyed than I am

"because they'll be in the frustrating position

"of having gone to the trouble of verified the future availability

"of egg and cress sandwiches earlier on, won't they?"

APPLAUSE

"What are you talking about?"

I said, "Please..."

"Please, travelling chef..."

"Please understand...

"If that egg and cress sandwich isn't for sale,

"just please take it down."

"Either sell it or take it down but don't leave it up there...please."

Him, "Why?"

Me, "Because you don't seem to understand

"that not being able to have an egg and cress sandwich,

"is far more irritating when you can see one right in front of you,

"than when you can't."

Him, "Why?

Me, "Because, and I really believe this,

"people are far more ready to accept

"that you haven't got something...

"..if they can't see it.

"For example, it hasn't crossed my mind

"that you're doing a hog roast this afternoon.

"At no point have I wondered which of these lobster

"I'd like from the tank.

Him, "What lobster?"

Me, "Exactly! Do you see how it works with your eyes, and my brain?"

He said, "I can do you prawn. If you like lobster, I can do you prawn."

20 minutes later I had prawn.

And I almost had a full nervous breakdown, when he...he passed me

that prawn sandwich and he said,

"Er, that's my last one of those as well."

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to welcome our

final act of the evening?

CROWD CHEERS

Would you, please, give a warm Apollo welcome to the wonderful,

Jon Richardson!

APPLAUSE

Hello.

CHEERING

Who eats egg and cress sandwiches?

Nobody does. That's the first time I've ever watched a routine

and thought, "You need to chill out, mate."

I've just turned 30. Not an interesting age

but it's the age at which I realised I totally wasted my 20s.

Totally. And I don't mean I spent them doing drugs and having sex.

I mean I didn't spend them doing drugs...at all, ever!

Never!

I mean I did some sex, a couple of times but not...

And now I'll never get that time back.

Do you know one of the things I spent my time doing in my 20s?

I cleaned the skirting boards of my flat with an anti-bacterial wipe.

I'm never going to get that time again!

I don't get to go back in time and go, "What are you doing?

"Go and have sex with someone!" Cos I wouldn't have listened.

I'd have gone, "Who's going to want to have sex with me

"when they see the state of these skirting boards?"

I'm really trying not to lose my shit...

over things that I know really don't matter

because it's sort of affecting my life.

I've moved in with some friends now

because I spent 20s living on my own.

Didn't make me happy, and I thought, "I'll move in with some friends."

And maybe that'll make me happy.

They're great people and my best friends. I really like them.

The easiest way to describe them to you is that they are adults,

who eat cereal at night-time.

This is the kind of arsehole we're deal...

I've never seen it done in my life.

They get in from work and go, "Ooh, chocolate Weetos!"

"What are you doing?

"You people are... You can't eat chocolate Weetos now.

"You're an adult. Have some olives."

"No, I don't like olives." "Nobody likes olives!

"You don't eat olives because they're nice.

"You eat them to punish yourself for having survived this long."

"Didn't I used to eat colourful, sweet, shiny...?"

Oh, yeah, I used to be a child, now I'm an adult.

You get to an age where you squeeze the oil out of it and dip bread in it. Mmm.

"How was your anniversary meal last night?

"What did you have for main course?"

"I didn't have a main course cos I filled up on slimy bread. Mmm!

"I basically took the blandest food and I dipped it i9n the slimiest

"and I had a big load of that! Mmm-mmm!"

But I live with my fiends. They're very happy people.

I like living with them. They've made me a better person.

That's who they are.

This, unfortunately, is why they have to die

and I have to be the one that kills them.

Because they won't learn.

They just won't learn. Like we...

I'm too old now to have a rota, can't be bothered.

You live with people... When you're younger,

"Oh, there's a yellow sticker so you've got to wash the bath mat."

I'd rather top myself than have that conversation now.

I don't care. I'll just wash the bath mat.

When I see it needs washing, I'll wash it.

They don't know I've washed it. They just get out of the shower and go,

"Oh, that's white. I thought it was brown."

I don't say, "Oh, do you know why you thought it was brown yesterday?

"Because it was matted with your pubic hair, that's why.

"Remember you came downstairs and you thought you'd put your slippers on?

"You hadn't."

That's an image that'll stay with you.

And when I see that needs doing, I don't care.

I just wash the bath mat. I'm an adult.

I would happily do every chore in the house, wouldn't bother me

to do everything, but I can't because I have to leave.

If you stay with someone all the time that's full-time care,

not flat sharing.

That's not the commitment I went into.

So I have to leave the house and now, even now they're back there now,

eating food and touching stuff, I can feel it -

opening cupboards and subsisting by eating food, right?

So they have to know, for example,

what to do with the waste products they create when they eat food.

Right? So, they need to know about things like recycling. Now, again,

I can't bear to tell them everything that goes into the job of recycling.

It would just exhaust me to have to say...

HIGH-PITCHED: "You know when you've finished your cereal,

"can you take the plastic bag out and then put that on the side

"and then go to the bin and tip any Cheerios that are in the thing?

"We don't want any in there in the box cos when it gets rained on,

"and they'll go mouldy and we don't want a mouldy box, do we?

"And, then, you know when you've opened the top of the cereal box,

"can you open the bottom the same way and then whup?!

"Now isn't that good?

"And then foldy-foldy-foldy-foldy-foldy-foldy!

"Look how small it is, and then come with me to the box. Come. Follow.

"Quickly, follow.

"You put the little thing in the thing there and then wedge it

"in the corner with the wine bottle cos otherwise it spreads out

"and all that work was wasted.

"This is where we put the cereals,

"this is where we put the wine bottles, the tins and the newspaper,

"and then you pick it up every other Wednesday -

"not every Wednesday."

"No, they don't come every Wednesday,

"every other Wednesday.

"Follow. Come.

"Pick up the..."

I didn't say any of this, right?

I didn't think they'd understand really.

"Why are you talking like that, Jon" "I think I've had a breakdown!"

All I said, to make it as simple as possible, I said,

"You know when you've finished your cereal,

"can you just put the empty box on the windowsill?

"It gets recycled by the fairy," right?

It's not a nickname I'm happy with but it seems to have stuck.

And the cereal box is here on the windowsill is there,

so it's like ugh-ugh - that's all I ask.

Every now and again, I'll get back from a gig, might be tonight,

flick the bin lid open - hello, Mr Cereal Box!

Oh, I wonder how did you get in there?!

And my first thought is always, "Do you know how that got in there?

"Cos they hate you, Jon.

"It's a dirty protest. That's, "Yeah, look at that, you dick! Yeah!"

"That's nothing to do with the council,

"he brought that green box from his last house.

"Sad little wanker!"

They might as well pull their pants down, get on the worktops,

and drag themselves across.

"Piss off back to your last house," right?

And I think, "Oh, my God, they hate me."

And then I realise they don't hate me

because they will clean some stuff, right?

Because they know it excites me or something.

They think it turns me on to watch them do chores.

I really would rather they didn't. They wait until I'm relaxing,

watching a bit of You've Been Framed or something.

The pains of the elderly to relax me of an evening.

"Go on, get on the pogo stick. See how that ends."

They wait until I'm just chilling out then and one of them will go,

"Oh, I'm going to do the washing-up!"

And I have to sit there and think, "Yeah, so am I,

"five minutes after you think you've done it."

LAUGHTER

Watch them... They're just shit. They just don't understand!

Look at me, it's like a little lap dance!

They're watching me going "Yeah, you see what I'm doing.

"Can you see what I'm doing?"

"Yeah, I can see what you're doing. You're doing a baking tray

"when there are still wine glasses."

How can you explain that to an adult who doesn't know?

You can't because then the grease goes in and then the...

I try to do it subtly because... Then I'm the arsehole.

"Oh, when you're washing the baking try."

The next night I'll go,

"Mm, this Sauvignon Blanc's a bit... pork and leeky."

Just throw some bread crumbs out,

"He said his wine tasted like pork and leeks,

"but then it's me who had pork and leek sausages. "But I washed my baking tray...

"But then I washed the wine glasses. It's my fault."

I say that and they say, "Oh, don't buy that one again,"

"thinking... JON CHUCKLES

They didn't do it, you did it.

I didn't buy it because I read the label

and it said, "This has hints of pork and friggin' leek."

"Do you know what this wine goes well with? Mashed potato!"

There're some things that they do,

I think there's no logic to that at all.

We'll be washing up, here at the sink, right,

and I've put a little thing here.

It's like a bean tin but it's got holes in it.

So you put the cutlery in there and it's altogether, then.

You're not chasing it around

and the water comes out the holes so you just take it away, right?

I'll watch them washing up, reach past this thing...

They can see it, it's there.

They would have to be blind in this eye and looking that way

not to be able to see it.

They travel this extra distance to lay the cutlery flat on the side.

And I mean all the cutlery, including teaspoons,

and not that way round. That way.

So a little pool of shitty water dribbles down into the teaspoon

so it looks like it's already got soup in it

and then they walk over to the cutlery drawer and all I ask

is that they put the cutlery away however you like,

as long as it's forks on the left, knives in the middle,

spoons on the right, teaspoons on the bottom facing to the left,

steak knives on the far left.

You can't fit the steak knives in the ordinary knife rack.

They're too long. They have to go in there.

Lovely, sexy steak knives they are.

Sexy, jet-black handle and a long, serrated knife, grrr!

They'll be putting it away and they put some of them away right.

"Oh, yeah, they go in there, don't they?"

Then they think, "Urg, bored of this. "Doing it right - huh!

"I'm going to put this one in the knife rack.

"And then I'll take the paring knife

"and I'm going to put the paring knife in there,"

as if they look anything alike!

Fat, horrible grey handle on the paring knife.

No serration on the blade. Little, fat, stubby blade.

And I think, "How have you done that?"

But the only consolation I get is it's OK

because that's the one I'm going to kill them with.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to grab that knife and I'm going to sneak up

to their room in the middle of the night,

and say, "Hello, it's the fairy and he's tooled up.

I'm going to stab you now with this steak knife."

"That's actually a paring knife."

"So you do know the difference!"

The reason that I need to be a better person

is because I've finally decided I think I want to have kids.

It's taken me a long time

and what turned me, I watched a woman near where I live

pushing a pram with two toddler-age children in

and all I heard he say as she went past, she went,

"Well, cars aren't allowed to turn right all the time,

"sometimes they have to go straight on."

That was it and I thought, "My God, I want kids."

Imagine being in the company of people

to whom you could say a sentence that tedious.

And their response will be,

"You've blown my mind."

"So there's a road, but they're not allowed to turn into it -

"that is...so what...? Do they just move house to the end of the road?"

"If you turn right twice, you'll end up back on that road."

"And why aren't you Prime Minister, I don't...

"You know everything. You're an incredible person.

I really want kids but I can't have kids cos I can't...

I can't inflict myself on a child, because I don't know what the line is

between telling a child when it's doing something wrong,

so it learns to do better,

and accepting that children can't do everything properly.

I don't think I would draw that distinction.

I think I would always tell them they were doing something wrong,

to the point of breaking their souls immediately.

"Oh, you're doing some colouring in, are you? Aw-w!

"I just wonder why you're carrying on with that

"because you've gone over the lines, haven't you? It's ruined.

"It's never going to be perfect now, is it?

"You might as well start again,

"cos it's not going on the fridge like that!

"Trying to eat my breakfast, when all I can see is that blue line

"inexplicably going out of that tree. You might as well start again.

"and here's a little tip from Daddy, when you do the next one,

"just have a look what colour your Winnie-the-Pooh is

"and then ask why you've done him purple."

It's been an absolute honour. I've enjoyed this.

I hope you've enjoyed it too. Take care. See you soon.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Richardson!

Give it up for Jon Richardson, ladies and gentlemen.

That is the end of the show.

You've been watching Live At The Apollo. Have you had a good night?

CHEERING

Just remains for me to thank the people you've seen.

We've seen Kerry Godliman.

APPLAUSE

And Mr Jon Richardson, ladies and gentlemen.

I've been Rhod Gilbert, your host.

Thank you very, very, very much for coming each and every one of you!

Thank you! Good night!