Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


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Episode 3

Sean Lock is the host and introduces Romesh Ranganathan and Marcus Brigstocke.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sean Lock!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you!

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Thank you, thank you very much!

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Hello! Whoo!

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Thank you, thank you. Lovely to be here in Hammersmith.

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I just have one thing, one request, if at any point in the show

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you're erring on the side of laughter, go with it, yeah?

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You know, if you get to a bit and you go,

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"Is that funny? Er, erm, er..."

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Just go, wahey! Chuck yourself in!

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Cos the consequences for you of a joke not working

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aren't that serious. There'll be other jokes, other shows.

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But the consequences for me are pretty serious, yes.

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Because if you don't laugh at my jokes, in about a year's time

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you'll switch on your telly on a Saturday night and you'll hear

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Bruce Forsyth say "And our next couple, dancing the pasodoble..."

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APPLAUSE

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"..it's Sean and Tatiana!"

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Dun, de, den, den deh! Dum, de, deh, deh, deh!

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I'll have a black nylon shirt, split to my waist.

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Fruit all down me.

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And at some point they'll make you do the shimmy, won't they?

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Everybody goes on Strictly and at some point has to do the shimmy.

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It's like tossing the salad in jail that's what it is, the shimmy.

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At some point you have to go...

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That's like just driving your face into the dirt, isn't it?

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And then the bit after that you're in a tense dance-off

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with the OXO mum. Ooh!

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And if that's not enough, afterwards you get bollocked, don't you?

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By Bruno Tonioli.

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"Sean! You're like-a fridge, your arms didn't move!

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"You stand there like a fridge, you all grinder, no pepper!"

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And you can't tell him to piss off, can you?

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"Look, I made a complete twat out of myself out there,

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"and now you want to rub my nose in it.

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"What have you ever done in your life? You prick."

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I think it would make a better show, make a better show.

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Cos we've got a few Strictly guests in, Joe Calzaghe's here. Hello, Joe.

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Joe Calzaghe, undefeated World Champion.

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I took up boxing for a while,

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cos I heard it was a way out of the ghetto.

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Thing is I'm not from the ghetto.

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So for me it was a way into hospital.

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Jon Culshaw there, hello, Jon.

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Amazing impressionist.

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-You can do 350 voices, is that true?

-Something like that.

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And do you hear the voices in your head?

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I do, I do!

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Cos I hear voices in my head. I ignore them and carry on killing.

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But I do impressions, I do one impression.

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Here's my impression, right?

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It's Billy Mitchell from EastEnders.

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CHEERING

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I can't do the voice.

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That's it, just that. And then...hang on.

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Oh, it's me again!

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And of course, we have got Brian Murphy there. Hello, Brian.

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-Sitcom legend. Is it right it's your 80th birthday today?

-Yes.

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It's your 80th.

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CHEERING

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Your wife's with you.

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Good tradition, she is giving you a brilliant birthday treat,

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she's taken you to a free gig.

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Thank you, welcome.

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I love playing Hammersmith, it's a great place to play.

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To be honest, I love playing most towns,

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I'm on tour at the moment, playing loads of towns.

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There's only one place I won't go back to, that's Guildford.

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CHEERING

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You're not from Guildford.

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They stared at me like they were looking

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out of the windows of a bus replacement service, like this.

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You never see anyone smiling on a bus replacement service, do you?

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"This is brilliant, much better than the train!

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"Cos you visit so many different villages!" They look

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like my dad looked when he found out what his pension was worth.

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Part of the problem was, to be fair to them, it was the week that

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Margaret Thatcher died and a couple of comments that

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I made might not have gone down in the spirit that they were intended.

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All I said was, wahey! That was it, that was it.

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And I did mention that a fitting tribute to her was that

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when they cremated her they ran out of coal.

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That was it, that was all I said.

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I didn't have a party.

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Well, you wouldn't call it a party, it was a few drinks, nibbles,

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couple of friends.

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Police were called once. That's not a party, is it?

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Erm...I love my wife.

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I love my kids, I am a very lucky man, very lucky man.

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But there are things I miss about the old days, before all that.

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I think the thing I miss the most of all about living on my own

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is the songs you sing when you live on your own. You know the songs

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you sing when you live on your own? Just walking round your house,

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start singing, don't you?

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# I'm going to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea now!

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# Owww, ow, ow-ow-ow ow!

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# I might have a biscuit or a crisp sandwich! #

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You can't do that when you live with other people, can you?

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Cos they don't want to see that.

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No. They want to think you've got your shit together.

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You've got to hide that.

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I say I love my wife, sometimes I'm not sure.

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Well, no, the symptoms of being in love are shortness of breath,

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light headedness, inability to concentrate - are exactly the same

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symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning, aren't they?

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So I said "I think I love you, but can we get the boiler serviced?"

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Hahaha! No, I do, I love her very much.

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But she upset me this last Christmas because as she was giving me

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my Christmas present, just before I opened it she said "Oh, by the way,

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"you do know it's very hard to buy presents for a man of your age?"

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I found that quite hurtful, I did, to be honest with you.

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And if there are any men of my age in the room tonight, bit of advice

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for you, be very careful what you show enthusiasm for

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in the weeks before Christmas.

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Because you show the slightest enthusiasm or interest

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in anything...you're getting it for Christmas.

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She'll be going up to bed. You say,

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"I'll be up in a minute, I'm just going to watch the news."

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"Oh!"

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"He likes the news!"

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And you'll get a biography of Huw Edwards.

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"What a guy."

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Never had an X-ray, apparently. Didn't know that.

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One time we were out walking in the countryside,

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there was a bird hovering in the sky. She said, "That's a buzzard."

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I said, "No, that's a kestrel."

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She said, "I didn't know you knew about that."

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I said, "Yeah, a little bit, little bit. Not a lot."

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Cut to six months later, I'm standing in a field...

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I've got a big leather glove on like that.

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Cube of meat on a string.

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"Yeah, I'm having a great day, love.

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"It's like you read my mind!"

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"Argh! Get it off me! Get it off me!

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"Argh!"

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I didn't do that. Don't want to upset the greenies.

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From about October to December,

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I don't say anything positive about anything.

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We got a ferry once from Holland. Ferries are normally a sort of dull,

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dismal, awful experience. This was a really nice ferry, lovely ferry.

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And I was about to go, "Cor, this is a nice ferry, isn't it?"

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Then I went, "Uh, oh. No."

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Cos there is a chance on Christmas morning I'd have opened an envelope

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and pulled out... "A golden ferry ticket!

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"A magical day out on the ferry!

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"Help the captain steer the ferry out of port."

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"Wave the cars onto the deck."

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"Sing a song with the group Liquid Motion."

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The other day I intercepted her ordering me some bees.

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She was ordering bees on the phone. I went,

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"Whoa, whoa, we don't want any bees! Why are you ordering bees?"

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She said, "You were going on about the plight of the honey bee,

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"and how people don't plant flowers any more, their gardens are decked,

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"and the honey bee's dying out, and the whole of society will collapse

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"so I thought I'd get you some bees."

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And I said, "No, what you've mistaken there is, I like moaning."

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I couldn't give a shit about bees.

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I can't tell the difference between a bee and a wasp,

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I just kill anything I see.

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Basically, she wants me to have a hobby,

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because I don't get a lot of spare time but if I do, what I like to do

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is stand in various rooms in my house,

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staring into the middle distance like that.

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And she finds that troubling.

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I'm never happier than when I'm sitting on bed, in my pants,

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one sock on, another sock in my hand.

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Oh, I could do 20 minutes there like that.

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Cos I'm not doing nothing, I'm putting socks on. But very slowly.

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And the thing is, I do have a hobby,

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but it's not considered to be a hobby, and my hobby is drinking.

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I like drinking.

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CHEERING

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I'll tell you why.

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I don't do it all the time, but when I go out I like to have a drink.

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If you could see my little face, how excited my little face is

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when I'm going off to the pub, you'd go, "Aw, look at him,

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"isn't he cute, eh?"

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And when I drink, I like to go out and have a proper drink,

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I like to get hammered. I like to be four units the right side

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of shitting myself, that's what I like to do.

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Drawing on my face, combing my hair with a shoe, that kind of thing.

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I worked out my relationship with alcohol is very similar to

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the relationship that a moth has with a light bulb.

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You know when you see a moth having a session on the light bulb.

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They're just going - bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

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"This is brilliant!"

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"Who switched this on?"

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"I bloody love you!"

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If you could interview a moth after a night on the light bulb,

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it would be very similar to me with a hangover.

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"What happened there, moth?"

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"I know, I know, I've done it again, haven't I?"

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"How do you feel now?" "I feel bloody awful!"

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"Covered in burns!"

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"They're bloody hot those light bulbs! Everyone saw me!"

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"Cos I was the worst, wasn't I? I was the worst.

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"Eight hours I was up there, wasn't I?

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"Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"

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But some of them only do an hour then piss off behind the fridge.

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"Do you think you've got a problem?"

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"No, not at all, if you don't switch the light bulb on, I'm fine.

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"I could do about three weeks on a wall."

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Bum ba bum!

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Bubububuub...

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But you switch the light bulb on... "Yes! Daddy's home!"

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I'm not advocating alcoholism, by the way,

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I'm just sticking up for a group in society that gets badly treated,

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gets really bad press, is abused and maligned continually

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and that's binge drinkers.

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Nobody ever says anything nice about binge drinkers, do they?

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They just say, "Binge drinkers, Look what they've done,

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"look what they've done to the town centre."

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We didn't ruin the town centre.

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Tesco's and the internet did that, we're just finishing the job.

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It's like farting in a cheese shop - it's not the main problem.

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Kicking a dead bird.

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"What you doing?" "It's dead, chill out!"

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Put a bit of chewing gum in a mullet.

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And it's terrible the discrimination you suffer as a binge drinker.

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I've been for job interviews and I know the only reason

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I didn't get that job, is cos I was hammered.

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They couldn't see beyond that, they couldn't see the person behind

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the man trying to get a sing-song going.

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# I get knocked down

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# But I get up again yeah yeah. #

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"Where do you see yourself in five years' time, Mr Lock?"

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"Pub! Ha-ha!"

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And the press are very complicit in this, they really like

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to make binge drinkers feel bad. I remember there was a picture once

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in the Sun of this girl on a night out in Newcastle.

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And for a laugh she pulled... She kept her clothes on but for a laugh

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she pulled her knickers down to her ankles

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and she was standing in the centre of Newcastle going "Wahey!"

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Big smile on her face, like that "Wahey!"

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And the headline above was something like, "Oh, God.

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"Oh, dear, oh, dear."

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And I remember looking at the picture thinking,

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"What is wrong with that?"

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She's obviously having a brilliant time.

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You've got to be in a fantastic mood to be

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in the heart of the town where you live, where you go shopping, you go

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to work, you meet friends, to be in the very epicentre of where all your

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friends are, where your life is to go "Ha-ha, yeah!

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"Ha-ha-ha!"

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That's a great moment in your life!

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I'd put that on my CV!

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"There we go, happiest I've ever been.

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"That's also the answer to hobbies and interests."

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I've never met anyone who's depressed who's done that.

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I've never chatted to anyone whose depressed, say, "How you feeling?"

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"Terrible, every decision I make is a disaster. I just can't see a way

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"of muddling through this miserable period in my life.

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"The other day I went down to the canal. I was...

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"I was just staring at the dark black water

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"trying to find a reason to carry on with this miserable existence

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"we laughingly call life."

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Also, you don't need to make a binge drinkers feel bad,

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because they'll do that themselves.

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If I've had a night out, the next day, three or four times,

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at least, at random moments during the day, I'll be making

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a cup of tea, I'll just do this, I'll go, "Eurgh, eurgh, eurgh. Eurgh."

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"What's the matter with you, Sean?" "I just remembered something from...

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"Eurgh, eurgh, eurgh. Eurgh."

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The weird thing is, once you have one of those memories,

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you have got it for life.

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Your brain, you can forget the most important things you have

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ever known, but it never forgets shame, does it?

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My brain calls up stuff that happened 25 years ago.

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Let's have a look at that one. And you're walking along going, "Eurgh!"

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Like, I remember the time I left a note out for the milkmen

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and accidentally, I put a kiss on it.

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Eurgh!

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Like some sort of humiliation jukebox, just going,

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"Let's have a look at this one, let's have a look at this one."

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Once I was walking through the park, beautiful sunny day,

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no reason to remember this whatsoever, no reason at all,

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children out playing, flowers are out,

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and I remembered this date I'd been on years ago.

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We're halfway through it, the girl pointed out that my shirt was

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buttoned up on the wrong side, so technically I was wearing a blouse.

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Eurgh.

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The thing is, as I remembered it, I was walking past a dwarf.

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He was about there and I was there, so when I remembered that,

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I went like this - eurgh!

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And I was a bit concerned, I thought he might have thought

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I was doing some kind of Lord Of The Rings, Igor-type thing.

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So I said to him, "Sorry, mate, I didn't mean you."

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And he went, "What are you talking about?"

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I said, "When I went eurgh, it wasn't

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"about Lord Of The Rings or anything like that." And he said, "Why would

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"I think that?" And now that's become something that makes me go eurgh!

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The trouble is, every time I see a dwarf, it triggers that memory.

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Eurgh!

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"Oh, sorry, mate, I didn't mean you."

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I'm trapped in a dwarf shame spiral.

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You don't get punch lines like that every day, do you?

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I don't get a lot of stuff nicked.

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Are you ready for the first act, ladies and gentlemen?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Then put your hands together and go mad for a wonderful young comedian,

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Romesh Ranganathan!

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Hello. Very excited to be here.

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I realised that some of you will have seen me come out with a microphone,

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may have become concerned.

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"Oh, God, Asian comedian."

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"He's going to be banging on about being Asian the whole time."

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Please, don't worry, only about 10% of my stuff is based on

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me being Asian, all right?

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The other 90% is based on my issues with white people.

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So, it should be absolutely fine. Looking around I can't help feeling

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there's been a bit of a booking error.

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I'll just say what I've got to say and get the hell out of here.

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I am actually married, I don't want to upset anyone in here.

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But I am married, my wife and I have two small children -

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we're not kidnappers.

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We created these children by the traditional means...

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..adoption.

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No, I'm joking, I'm joking, I did it, did it. Smashed it.

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My wife is white, I'm genuinely Asian, I haven't just browned-up

0:18:510:18:54

for tonight's show, and so our children are mixed race.

0:18:540:18:58

And a game that we've started playing,

0:18:580:19:00

we've started getting our kids

0:19:000:19:02

to pick a side.

0:19:020:19:03

So whenever we're watching the Jeremy Kyle show,

0:19:070:19:10

just point at the screen and go "That's white people for you, kids."

0:19:100:19:13

"I have got no idea, mate."

0:19:160:19:19

And whenever we go to an Indian restaurant my wife will go,

0:19:190:19:21

"Smells like Daddy".

0:19:210:19:23

That's a little game we play.

0:19:290:19:31

She won that one.

0:19:310:19:33

I'm going to be honest with you, I've overreacted to racism in the past

0:19:350:19:38

I'm not going to lie. I was getting my hair cut. It was an extremely

0:19:380:19:41

hot day, I was complaining about how hot it was. This guy sitting in the

0:19:410:19:44

barbers he turns to me, he says "Oh, I can't believe you lot, ha-ha."

0:19:440:19:48

"I can't believe you lot, you come over here, don't you, eh?

0:19:500:19:53

"Heh, heh, ha-ha, yeah, you do.

0:19:530:19:54

"You come over here then you complain about how bloody hot it is,

0:19:570:20:00

"don't you, son? Heh, hah!"

0:20:000:20:01

I thought, "Oh, my God, I'm going to put this idiot in his place,

0:20:040:20:07

"assuming that I'm an immigrant."

0:20:070:20:09

So I said to him,

0:20:090:20:10

"Well, actually, sir, the climactic conditions in Crawley,

0:20:100:20:14

"where I originate from,

0:20:140:20:17

"are very similar to the ones we're experiencing here.

0:20:170:20:21

"Just goes to show you."

0:20:230:20:25

To which his genuine response was,

0:20:260:20:29

"Bloody hell, mate, you're picking up the language brilliantly, ain't you?"

0:20:290:20:33

See, I complain about that, but in the winter,

0:20:380:20:41

one of my favourite pastimes is to pretend to passers-by that I've just

0:20:410:20:45

arrived in the country and that I'm seeing snow for the very first time.

0:20:450:20:51

On a really good day, they take photographs.

0:20:590:21:03

I've got to be honest with you,

0:21:030:21:04

I recently came to the realisation that sometimes a lack of racism

0:21:040:21:08

can actually be more hurtful than racism itself.

0:21:080:21:10

Now hear me out on this. I think you will agree with me.

0:21:100:21:13

I recently got into a bit of a car prang, completely my fault,

0:21:130:21:17

damaged this guy's car quite badly, he lost his shit,

0:21:170:21:20

as he had every right to, gets out the car and he looks at me and

0:21:200:21:23

he says, "What the hell do you think you're doing, you fat bastard?"

0:21:230:21:27

And I thought, "Oh, my God, I have put on so much weight..."

0:21:340:21:38

That's the first thing he went for.

0:21:430:21:45

I would rather he'd have said something racist, right?

0:21:480:21:51

It's offensive, but at least it means I'm in shape.

0:21:510:21:54

And it's my mom's fault. She's a feeder, she always has been.

0:21:590:22:02

I don't know if you had this problem. If you were at school,

0:22:020:22:05

you probably got a phone call home from your school, saying,

0:22:050:22:07

she's not doing her homework, she's messing about in class.

0:22:070:22:10

I got a phone call home from my school because they were

0:22:100:22:13

concerned about how many sandwiches I was putting away at break time.

0:22:130:22:16

And my mum took immediate action.

0:22:190:22:22

She told me to hide when I was eating my sandwiches.

0:22:220:22:24

And that's how I got the nickname Toilet Fatty.

0:22:290:22:31

I was sitting at home watching television with my wife,

0:22:400:22:42

and for those of you who have children,

0:22:420:22:44

you will know, to even get to a point where you're able to watch

0:22:440:22:47

what you want to on television is a bloody miracle.

0:22:470:22:52

You've got to do what these little shits want to do first, right?

0:22:520:22:55

And on this particular day, they wanted to watch Disney DVDs.

0:22:550:22:59

I'd just about managed to convince them to not watch Finding Nemo.

0:22:590:23:02

Now, I know that sounds mad cos Finding Nemo's a great film.

0:23:020:23:05

I assume people are fans of it in here?

0:23:050:23:07

CHEERING

0:23:070:23:09

It's a lovely movie.

0:23:090:23:10

This fish goes along and saves his son. It's wonderful, heart-warming.

0:23:100:23:14

But unfortunately when you have children, that film is ruined.

0:23:140:23:18

Cos I'm watching finding Nemo now and I'm thinking to myself,

0:23:180:23:20

"I mean, he told Nemo.

0:23:200:23:23

"Repeatedly.

0:23:240:23:26

"To stop pissing around, right?"

0:23:280:23:30

Cos Nemo wouldn't listen, he's got to go dicking across the other side

0:23:320:23:35

of the world to go and get him.

0:23:350:23:38

And at the end of the film, Nemo's dad is supposed to learn a lesson

0:23:380:23:41

about chilling out. Piss off!

0:23:410:23:43

If I was directing that film, Nemo would have got kidnapped

0:23:510:23:53

and his dad would have gone, "I told you, you little prick!

0:23:530:23:57

"Enjoy the fish tank, dickhead!"

0:23:570:24:00

And the sequel would have been called Grounding Nemo.

0:24:000:24:03

Anyway, we didn't watch finding Nemo, we watched Beauty And The Beast.

0:24:050:24:09

It's a classic. I'm watching this film and I'm thinking,

0:24:090:24:11

"This ain't right either."

0:24:110:24:13

You've got the story of Belle, who falls in love with the Beast,

0:24:130:24:16

looks beneath the surface, falls in love with the person underneath,

0:24:160:24:19

he turns into a prince, they they live happily ever after.

0:24:190:24:22

I can't help thinking the message from this film seems to be

0:24:220:24:26

look beneath the surface, fall in love with the person beneath,

0:24:260:24:30

and hopefully...they will undergo some sort of major reconstructive

0:24:300:24:35

surgery...that will enable you to bring yourself to sleep with them!

0:24:350:24:43

That's not a positive message, Disney!

0:24:450:24:49

I mean, I argue with my wife.

0:24:490:24:51

One of the issues I had an argument with her,

0:24:510:24:53

is we disagree about how to bring up our children.

0:24:530:24:56

I dropped the ball on a potty training issue recently.

0:24:560:24:59

Now, those of you that haven't potty trained a child, let me

0:24:590:25:02

explain to you how it works.

0:25:020:25:04

You have to encourage the child

0:25:040:25:06

when they poo in the correct area.

0:25:060:25:09

What this basically means is, at my house,

0:25:090:25:12

every time my son takes a shit, we have a party. Absolutely ridiculous.

0:25:120:25:20

I said to my wife, "This is mental."

0:25:200:25:24

She said, "We're not going to do it forever." Yeah, I know!

0:25:240:25:26

I didn't think that was the plan.

0:25:260:25:28

I didn't anticipate following him to his graduation,

0:25:280:25:32

waiting outside cubicle one, and going,

0:25:320:25:34

"Look what you curled out, mate! Beautiful!"

0:25:340:25:37

Anyway, my son did a poo-poo the other day. My wife was out.

0:25:400:25:43

He called down, he said, "Daddy, I've done a poo-poo." I ran upstairs,

0:25:430:25:46

into the bathroom, sure enough, in the potty on the floor, wee-poo combo.

0:25:460:25:50

Nailed it.

0:25:500:25:51

Then I thought, I've got to deal with this,

0:25:540:25:56

so I went to get a carrier bag to put this into,

0:25:560:25:59

and then I thought, "You can't put this in a carrier bag, idiot."

0:25:590:26:02

So I went to get two carrier bags.

0:26:020:26:04

I then got the carrier bags and decanted... Is that the right word?

0:26:060:26:11

Decanted the contents of the potty into the carrier bags,

0:26:110:26:14

tied a knot in the top, smashed it.

0:26:140:26:17

I then phone my wife to tell her two things. Thing number one.

0:26:170:26:20

I've just dealt with a situation without your help.

0:26:200:26:23

How d'you like them apples? Thing number two.

0:26:230:26:27

Can you get some more carrier bags?

0:26:270:26:30

It was at that point that my wife suggested to me that maybe the

0:26:300:26:34

better receptacle for my home sewage project might have been the toilet.

0:26:340:26:40

At this point, I felt two emotions.

0:26:410:26:43

Emotion number one was humiliation,

0:26:430:26:46

because not only had I done this, but I'd also told my wife.

0:26:460:26:50

I knew that she was going to go tell her friends.

0:26:500:26:53

The number of times I've been talking to one of her friends

0:26:530:26:56

and maybe suppressing a snigger, because Mouthy McGossip Twat

0:26:560:26:58

has told has told them something I've got up to.

0:26:580:27:01

My second emotion was rage towards my son,

0:27:070:27:12

because my son knows what my wife does with his poo-poos,

0:27:120:27:16

and instead of telling me, he decided to get some popcorn,

0:27:160:27:21

sit back and watch while I put his shit into a carrier bag!

0:27:210:27:26

Unacceptable.

0:27:320:27:33

I mean, the fact of the matter is I don't actually like

0:27:330:27:35

going out with my children and it's not because of my children.

0:27:350:27:38

I love my children, I think.

0:27:380:27:39

The problem is, you have to deal with other people's children and you

0:27:390:27:43

have to deal with their parents and you can't tell off other people's

0:27:430:27:46

kids cos people get annoyed. Except I've found a way.

0:27:460:27:51

I was at the cinema a while ago, I'm going to share this with you.

0:27:510:27:53

This kid was throwing popcorn about, shouting, just being a little idiot.

0:27:530:27:58

His parents were doing absolutely nothing about it.

0:27:580:28:01

So I thought I would step up, on behalf of the cinema.

0:28:010:28:05

So I got in real close and said, "Listen here, you little shit..."

0:28:070:28:10

"Pull that again, I'm going to punch you in your face, understand me?"

0:28:120:28:16

And then as his parents approached and were able to hear me,

0:28:180:28:22

I just went,

0:28:220:28:23

"And that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people."

0:28:230:28:26

They apologised to me!

0:28:360:28:37

Try it. You'll have to brown up, but it's worth it!

0:28:380:28:41

Ladies and gentlemen, you genuinely have been adequate.

0:28:430:28:46

So, thank you so much, I've been Romesh Ranganathan, goodnight!

0:28:460:28:50

Romesh Ranganathan!

0:28:560:28:58

So, you up for the next act?

0:29:000:29:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:020:29:04

Please put your hands together, go mad for a fantastic comedian,

0:29:040:29:07

Marcus Brigstocke!

0:29:070:29:09

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,

0:29:220:29:24

give it up for Mr Sean Lock!

0:29:240:29:26

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:260:29:29

This is lovely, exciting. I like being here in London.

0:29:310:29:34

I went to my favourite Indian restaurant in London the other day.

0:29:340:29:38

I live in Clapham. Anyone from Clapham?

0:29:380:29:40

CHEERING

0:29:400:29:41

"Hooray! We came on a pony! Hello." You'll know this place, then.

0:29:410:29:47

There's a very good Indian restaurant there called The Gaylord.

0:29:470:29:52

And I'm not above finding that a little bit funny.

0:29:520:29:55

I phone my friend and go, "Do you fancy The Gaylord?" And he'll

0:29:550:29:58

say, "No, you do." And we laugh for about an hour, it's roughly an hour.

0:29:580:30:02

Give or take, an hour.

0:30:030:30:05

I think if the gay community appointed a lord, I think

0:30:050:30:08

that would be a good thing. I think it would be nice.

0:30:080:30:11

You'd hope it would be Stephen Fry, Peter Tatchell,

0:30:110:30:13

it would probably be Louie Spence.

0:30:130:30:14

But nonetheless, it would be a good thing.

0:30:140:30:16

I don't mind finding that little bit funny, I ring my mate and go,

0:30:160:30:19

"Do you want something spicy from The Gaylord

0:30:190:30:21

"so that your bottom hurts in the morning?" About an hour, we laughed.

0:30:210:30:25

So we went to The Gaylord and we were sitting there,

0:30:250:30:28

it's really nice and these three kids showed up outside, these three

0:30:280:30:31

teenagers and they found the word Gaylord funnier than the internet.

0:30:310:30:37

They were there for about 40 minutes, pushing each other towards it,

0:30:370:30:40

"Go on, touch The Gaylord." "No, no, bruv, no way.

0:30:400:30:43

"I ain't touching The Gaylord, you touch it!"

0:30:430:30:47

So we're watching for ages. The waiters were all watching this

0:30:480:30:53

happening. "I ain't going in The Gaylord!

0:30:530:30:55

"I might go in through the front, I ain't going in through the back!"

0:30:550:30:57

"Oh, my days! Oh, my days!"

0:30:570:30:59

And eventually one of them

0:31:030:31:05

is nominated by his friends to enter The Gaylord.

0:31:050:31:08

So they push him in and he's like, "Right, OK, I'll go in."

0:31:100:31:14

And the waiter was fantastic.

0:31:140:31:16

It was obvious what was going on, cos his mates were outside pissing themselves, he's going,

0:31:160:31:19

"I'm doing it now, yeah?" As soon as he walked in,

0:31:190:31:22

it was obvious what was happening, but the waiter stepped forward

0:31:220:31:25

and went, "Table for one, sir?"

0:31:250:31:26

The kid was hilarious. He went, "No, I don't want to eat nothing.

0:31:280:31:32

"Yeah, I'm doing it! I'm doing it now!

0:31:320:31:35

"I don't want to eat nothing, but let me aks you this.

0:31:350:31:37

"Let me aks you this, bruv.

0:31:370:31:40

"Why is it that your restaurant is called Gaylord?"

0:31:400:31:44

Now, I'm guessing this has happened to this waiter every day

0:31:450:31:49

for the last 22 years, cos he was fantastic, he didn't hesitate at all.

0:31:490:31:55

As soon as the kid asked him, he gave him a full history lesson.

0:31:550:31:58

The kid went, "Let me aks you this, why is it called The Gaylord?"

0:31:580:32:01

And the waiter went, "Well, interestingly, Gaylord was a young Indian man,

0:32:010:32:04

"he was very cosseted and he left his family, joined the military,

0:32:040:32:06

"he became a great warrior, much respected in battle,

0:32:060:32:09

"he was a fine horseman and very fine with a sword as well..."

0:32:090:32:12

And because the kid had asked him, he had no choice but to listen.

0:32:120:32:17

So while he's getting this full history lesson,

0:32:170:32:19

the kid is just going, "Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, wicked, with a sword?

0:32:190:32:25

"Bad ass." It was brilliant,

0:32:250:32:26

The waiter went on for about 10 minutes,

0:32:260:32:29

given the full history of who Gaylord was and the kid had no

0:32:290:32:32

choice at the end but to go, "Well, thank you very much." Brilliant.

0:32:320:32:37

He got a free history lesson. Education in the community.

0:32:380:32:43

He went back outside and his mates were pissing themselves.

0:32:430:32:45

"Oh, my gosh, you was in there for ages by the way!

0:32:450:32:48

"A bit creepy, yeah?"

0:32:480:32:49

And I've no idea what he said to them, but they calmed down really

0:32:490:32:52

quickly, so I'm guessing he explained and went, "No, we got all wrong.

0:32:520:32:55

"It turns out Gaylord is a geezer, yeah?"

0:32:550:32:57

And I'd love to think that in their gang now, whenever someone

0:32:580:33:02

does something really cool, that's their word of choice to describe it.

0:33:020:33:06

"I tell you what, man, you're a level-nine boss gaylord!"

0:33:060:33:10

I turned 40 this year. Which means my body is...

0:33:190:33:21

-WOMAN:

-Whoo!

-No, don't woo that!

0:33:210:33:24

Don't whoo that. My body is no longer on my side.

0:33:240:33:27

I've started having a new experience, which I'm calling "after wees."

0:33:270:33:31

It's when you've had a wee, you've finished your wee,

0:33:340:33:37

you check with your bladder, "Is this wee fully finished?"

0:33:370:33:40

Your bladder goes, "Oh, yes, definitely finished."

0:33:400:33:43

And then you leave.

0:33:430:33:46

And then your bladder decides to do his impression of Columbo.

0:33:460:33:49

"Ah, one more thing!

0:33:510:33:53

"Just one more thing."

0:33:530:33:56

So I don't trust my body any more. I went on safari, went to South Africa.

0:33:590:34:02

Anyone here been to South Africa?

0:34:020:34:04

MILD CHEERING

0:34:040:34:05

I stopped a safari with my bum.

0:34:050:34:08

When you're in South Africa, I don't know if you've tried Biltong.

0:34:080:34:11

It's delicious, its dried bush meat. Dried meat, right?

0:34:110:34:14

Kudu, antelope, stuff like that. They were giving it out where I stayed.

0:34:140:34:17

I ate loads of the stuff, it was delicious, nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm.

0:34:170:34:20

It's all dried meat, like that.

0:34:200:34:22

What I didn't realise is that when you then have a drink,

0:34:220:34:24

it takes on its original size and shape, inside you.

0:34:240:34:28

I rehydrated an antelope in my lower intestines.

0:34:280:34:32

And then got the biltong farts. Badly.

0:34:330:34:36

So we went on a safari. Five o'clock in the morning. You get up early

0:34:360:34:39

before the animals are fully awake, they're still doing their teeth

0:34:390:34:41

and folding their little elephant jammies.

0:34:410:34:44

We were in an open top jeep

0:34:440:34:46

with a guide driver in front, a young couple on honeymoon

0:34:460:34:48

and a young family in the back.

0:34:480:34:50

And I have a belly full of swollen biltong

0:34:500:34:53

and I got the biltong farts badly.

0:34:530:34:55

Right, so we went over a bump

0:34:550:34:56

and a big biltong-based blow off fell out of me.

0:34:560:35:00

And the driver of our open top vehicle brought it to a complete halt

0:35:000:35:04

and went, "Can everybody smell that?

0:35:040:35:07

"That's lion."

0:35:070:35:08

"You can tell because it's very meaty.

0:35:110:35:13

"It's quite fresh as well. They've been through here recently, yeah?"

0:35:130:35:17

And the thing is, everyone in the jeep got up and went,

0:35:170:35:20

"Oh, yes, yes, you can really smell it!

0:35:200:35:22

"It's lion. Children, come on, come on."

0:35:220:35:25

"Daddy is it really lion?" "I think it could be, yes."

0:35:250:35:28

Cos the more I laughed the more I farted, right?

0:35:280:35:32

The driver is sneaking the vehicle forward going,

0:35:320:35:34

"I can't see them, but they're definitely very close, yeah?"

0:35:340:35:38

"Please, everyone be careful, I think one of them may be injured."

0:35:390:35:42

I was like, "Ohhh!"

0:35:420:35:45

We were there 40 minutes. People trying to take photos of my farts.

0:35:450:35:48

So I'm going to go to Greece, fart in one of their banks,

0:35:510:35:54

see if I can help them out.

0:35:540:35:56

They're in a bad way. Any Greek people in?

0:35:560:35:59

MODERATE CHEERING

0:35:590:36:00

Yeah? Pay your taxes. It would be a start, wouldn't it?

0:36:000:36:04

It's not difficult.

0:36:040:36:05

They're in a bad way and it's not all their fault. I feel bad for Greece.

0:36:100:36:13

Yeah, it's so bad over there they're selling off their islands.

0:36:130:36:17

I think we should buy them, put them in the British Museum.

0:36:170:36:20

I'm a completist, what can I say?

0:36:200:36:21

No, it is, it's a bad, bad situation in Greece. It's not entirely

0:36:230:36:26

their fault. Greece was never supposed to be in the euro.

0:36:260:36:28

That's right, we're drifting from my farts straight into

0:36:280:36:31

a light economics lecture. Hold on, people.

0:36:310:36:33

So Greece was never supposed to be in the euro.

0:36:350:36:37

They had too much sovereign debt, you know this, yeah?

0:36:370:36:40

They had too much sovereign debt, they couldn't get in.

0:36:400:36:42

Goldman Sachs, the investment bank, hid their sovereign debt

0:36:420:36:45

and snuck Greece into the euro.

0:36:450:36:48

And you can understand why Greece wanted to get in. They were like

0:36:480:36:51

a kid outside a nightclub, you know,

0:36:510:36:52

too young, had the wrong shoes on, but they could hear it,

0:36:520:36:55

they were excited they could hear...

0:36:550:36:56

HE IMITATES A DANCE BEAT

0:36:560:36:59

And the Greeks are excited, they wanted to get in. And I should warn

0:36:590:37:02

you, for the Greek people, I'm not very good at the Greek accent

0:37:020:37:05

but I'll give it a go, OK? So the Greeks are outside, they can hear...

0:37:050:37:08

HE IMITATES A DANCE BEAT

0:37:080:37:09

And they went, "Ay!

0:37:090:37:11

"I want to get into the nightclub!"

0:37:140:37:17

That's not good, that, is it? But they couldn't get in.

0:37:170:37:20

Weren't allowed. They had too much sovereign debt. And France were

0:37:200:37:22

on the door being the bouncer. France said, "No, you cannot come in here,

0:37:220:37:26

"look at you, shitty Greece, you are too young, you have too much

0:37:260:37:29

"sovereign debt, you are wearing the wrong shoes, go on get out of here.

0:37:290:37:32

"Look, you have curly slippers on, get out of here!"

0:37:320:37:35

And Goldman Sachs hid their sovereign debt, gave them fake ID,

0:37:370:37:40

changed their shoes, and snuck Greece in through the back door of the club.

0:37:400:37:43

The Greeks are in now and they're excited.

0:37:430:37:46

They're inside the club going "Ooh, ooh!"

0:37:460:37:48

You know how Greeks are... not like that.

0:37:480:37:50

"We're inside the euro club now, wooop wooop!" Nah.

0:37:500:37:54

It's exciting for Greece. Brilliant, they're on the inside

0:37:540:37:57

and that's when they realise the club has a German DJ.

0:37:570:37:59

That's when shit started to get scary for Greece

0:38:010:38:03

when they heard "Ja, daz iz da EuroHaus!"

0:38:030:38:06

HE IMITATES A FURIOUS DANCE BEAT

0:38:060:38:09

"Turn it up a little more!"

0:38:130:38:15

"Dance faster, little Greece!"

0:38:170:38:20

By this point Greece were desperately trying to keep up, going,

0:38:200:38:23

"Ah! Please will you slow the music down?

0:38:230:38:27

"Don't you have any Nana Mouskouri or Demis Roussos?"

0:38:270:38:30

"No! Das iz de EuroHaus!

0:38:300:38:32

HE IMITATES A FURIOUS DANCE BEAT

0:38:320:38:34

"Dance faster, little shit!"

0:38:340:38:36

By this stage the Greeks were slumped in the corner going,

0:38:380:38:40

"Please, I should never have been in here!

0:38:400:38:44

"I have too much sovereign debt and look - curly slippers!"

0:38:440:38:47

They can't get out cos the Germans have locked the door.

0:38:490:38:54

And the Germans dictate how fast the music goes

0:38:540:38:56

and because they're German that's very fast indeed.

0:38:560:38:59

Germans have two speeds for their music - oompa and techno.

0:38:590:39:02

The Greeks fully went in the wrong door, they could have been so happy

0:39:040:39:07

right now one club further up going,

0:39:070:39:09

# Poompa-poompa-poompa-poompa... #

0:39:090:39:11

So everything...

0:39:130:39:15

Love that oompa.

0:39:160:39:18

Everything the Greeks are living on is handouts from the Germans.

0:39:180:39:21

That's hard. Greece is an old culture, they have their pride.

0:39:210:39:25

It's difficult. The Germans give them all their money and they can

0:39:250:39:27

tell them the things they want them to do so they can treat Greece

0:39:270:39:30

however they want. Usually it's like a naughty teenager, like,

0:39:300:39:33

"Ja, OK, Greece.

0:39:330:39:36

"You can have your pocket money. But first you must tidy your room."

0:39:360:39:43

The Greeks are like, "Hey! We invented philosophy!"

0:39:430:39:46

"Ja, und we invented the Volkswagen und the Mercedes Benz.

0:39:460:39:50

"And people buy shitloads of those, so tidy your room

0:39:500:39:53

"or it's back into the techno club, you little shit!"

0:39:530:39:55

"Arghhh!"

0:39:550:39:57

The Germans have got it this time, they are on it. They're like,

0:39:570:40:00

"Ja, the last two times we tried it was a little bit awkward

0:40:000:40:02

"with all of the killing of the people.

0:40:020:40:05

"No, this time it is much better,

0:40:090:40:13

"this time we just buy it!

0:40:130:40:14

"Ja, we work a little longer und we spend a little less

0:40:160:40:19

"und we just buy it because last time people were quite cross with us!

0:40:190:40:23

"They said, 'You must not be killing all of these people.'

0:40:230:40:25

"We were like, 'Ja, we are knowing this NOW.'

0:40:250:40:29

"This time is better. Look, we have receipt."

0:40:290:40:32

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight, thank you so much.

0:40:320:40:35

See you again. Thank you, goodbye!

0:40:350:40:37

Marcus Brigstocke!

0:40:430:40:45

I don't like to ever finish a show without giving the audience

0:40:480:40:50

a piece of advice. I've got a piece of advice for everybody in this audience,

0:40:500:40:53

especially anyone who's got children.

0:40:530:40:55

A bit of advice for you is, always lie to your children.

0:40:550:41:00

Never tell the truth, just lie. If they ask you anything, just lie.

0:41:000:41:04

There'll be plenty of time when they grow up to find out the truth.

0:41:040:41:07

Now, I always lie. There is a theory of parenting that you should never lie to kids, apart

0:41:070:41:11

from obviously Father Christmas, the tooth fairy and how hot the food is.

0:41:110:41:15

Which is fair enough, if they've been giving you a difficult day,

0:41:150:41:18

it's a bit of payback, isn't it?

0:41:180:41:20

"Yeah, those fish fingers have been out for ages. Work away."

0:41:220:41:25

Ha-ha-ha!

0:41:250:41:27

It's the new smacking.

0:41:270:41:30

But they say, apart from that, you should never lie to your children.

0:41:340:41:36

I lie to my children all the time.

0:41:360:41:38

I was putting one of my daughters to bed, and she said

0:41:380:41:41

to me, "Daddy, are there monsters under the bed?" And I said, "Yes.

0:41:410:41:45

"Oh, God, there are horrible monsters under your bed.

0:41:450:41:48

"You don't want to meet them.

0:41:480:41:49

"And if you put your feet down on the bedroom floor at any point in

0:41:490:41:52

"the night, they'll reach out, grab your ankles and drag you under the bed.

0:41:520:41:56

"And they'll take you off into a labyrinth of turds and wasps.

0:41:570:42:00

"And he's on duty until about seven o'clock in the morning.

0:42:000:42:04

"Clocks off at seven. He's like a pub chef in the countryside.

0:42:060:42:10

"So, if you wake up about 6:45, just wait 15 minutes, then come

0:42:100:42:12

"and disturb your mummy and your daddy.

0:42:120:42:15

"In fact, I think he's on duty now! Stay on the bed! Stay on the bed!

0:42:150:42:19

"Pass me Mr Tiddles!

0:42:190:42:22

"Stay on the bed! Stay on the bed!

0:42:250:42:27

"Good night."

0:42:270:42:28

APPLAUSE

0:42:280:42:30

Now some people would say that's not ideal parenting, but I think

0:42:340:42:37

it's better than the alternative, which is to tell the truth.

0:42:370:42:40

When they say, "Daddy, are there monsters under the bed?"

0:42:400:42:42

And you go, "No, there's no monsters under the bed."

0:42:420:42:45

Because then they'll ask, "Are there monsters outside?" And if you tell

0:42:450:42:48

the truth, you have to go, "Yeah, but they don't look like monsters.

0:42:480:42:51

"No, they look like ordinary men and women, a bit like your mummy

0:42:510:42:54

"and your daddy, but they're capable of terrible things.

0:42:540:42:58

"Good night."

0:42:580:42:59

Please put your hands together for the acts you saw tonight -

0:43:050:43:08

Romesh Ranganathan, Marcus Brigstocke.

0:43:080:43:11

I have been Sean Lock, thank you very much!

0:43:110:43:14