Episode 2 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Dane Baptiste,

Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett,

Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me

what's happening, so what's going on here?

Is he doing an erotic drawing

and you can't see, but he's looking at Tom Watson,

who's posing nude on a bunk bed?

Is he painting Tom Watson like one of his French girls?

Exactly, like one of his French girls.

-That's a lovely Titanic reference.

-Thank you very much!

Is this the centrefold in this month's Saga magazine?

I like to think Corbyn's going,

"You thought I'd use the red pen, didn't you?

"But - ha! - blue one! Surprise, bitches!"

Is the waiter saying to him,

"You'll have to order another coffee if want to keep working here."

It'd be harsh, in a Labour cafe,

if they're going to kick him out for staying too long.

"Sorry, chap, you gotta go."

Is the headline, "Head of geography attends parents' evening"?

I'm imagining how the Sun would caption this photograph, like,

"Madman Corbyn defaces innocent book."

I think I understand why they're in trouble now,

cos I think this is a page from the BHS menswear catalogue.

"Why is Corbyn looking over the top of glasses?!

"You're supposed to look through them!

"Crazy Corbyn doesn't understand how glasses work!"

He looks like he's in the canteen

and he's heard Ed Miliband order another bacon sandwich.

"Zany Corbyn appears in photograph where he is in focus,

"but background is blurred!"

Those glasses, though, they are not flattering.

All they do is highlight the bags. That's a sad...

I do think Corbyn has the look of a man who's just been asked to sign

a birthday card for somebody in the office

and he can't remember who they are.

In his face, he wants to say,

"Is...is that fat Janice?" But he doesn't want to say that.

Does anybody know what the correct answer is for this,

for why this picture would be there?

He's in the news this week because of the Euro referendum.

Of course, thank you very much, Hugh.

Well done. APPLAUSE

This is a recent picture of Jeremy Corbyn,

Who is in the news this week

because he's agreed to lead a stepped-up campaign for Britain

to remain in the EU and, boy,

is he doing it in the most half-hearted possible fashion.

They asked him what he thought - "Out of ten, how big are you...?"

"7 to 7.5," he said.

-That's full-blooded.

-7.5, that's about 75%, which is good.

If you're doing an exam, 75% is good.

I'll give you that, that's fine.

If you're asking a pilot about his success rate, then...

..not as good, no.

"Well, I've done three today.

"I'm on my limit and I'm tired.

"Anyway, strap yourself in!"

Didn't he say he's not a big fan of the EU, though?

-He said he's not a big fan of the EU.

-No.

I reckon he's got "socks and sandals" written all over him.

He don't like the heat, he knows,

"If I have to go abroad, it's going to be short."

So his objection to the Common Market

and the European economic project of integration is,

-"It's a bit hot."

-Yeah.

He's got a beard and he wears tweed -

it's not built for him, Europe.

He looks like, judging by the picture,

he's the person that always has to work out

-how much the tapas cost and who had what.

-Yeah.

He looks like he's trying to split a bill there, don't he?

-Exactly.

-"Well, you had four of the prawns.

"He only brought six of them, for God's sake."

That's actually, I think, one of the most annoying things

about people who split bills.

They sit down at the end and they're like,

"Oh, but I didn't have alcohol."

You're like, "But you had a Coke and a pudding,"

and they're like, "But I'm five."

APPLAUSE

It's not just Corbyn, though, is it?

It's because Brexit are now ahead of Remain by quite a long way, in fact,

they're worried about Labour heartlands voting for Brexit,

so they're wheeling out all the Labour bigwigs,

so they're doing a double substitution this week -

they're getting rid of Cameron and Osborne

and they've replaced them with that all-winning side

of Miliband and Brown.

If the Brexit is a draw, does it go to penalties,

or is there another one?

I think at the minute,

the whole thing's even more confusing than it has been.

The whole In and Out thing, I think everyone's finding it difficult.

-Yep.

-In and Out is a very hard decision. It's like the other day,

my flatmate was making me a peppermint tea,

and he said, "Would you like the bag leaving in...

"..or taken out?"

It's very hard, cos if you leave the bag in...

..then over time, the cup of tea itself as a whole will get stronger

and it might appear like the bag is getting weaker,

but it's now part of a stronger cup of tea.

APPLAUSE

Whereas, if you take the bag out...

..the tea is now quite weak

and the bag itself goes directly in the bin.

APPLAUSE

That may be the smartest thing anyone has said

in the last two months.

If we do leave, will I need a passport for Pret a Manger?

APPLAUSE

I'll be honest with you, I've only just got used to saying "baguette"

and I'll have to go back to "French stick", won't I?

You won't be able to use the word "French".

So just, "Can I have a stick?" It's going to be terrible!

I'll be honest with you, it is tough, innit?

The name thing is right, though, isn't it?

The EU has got such a bad name,

the only way it could have a worse name

is if it changed its name to Top Gear.

-APPLAUSE

-But I do also think...

..that for the Remain campaign, that might be the answer, because if they

could just convince the EU to change its name to Sir David Attenborough,

then everybody would love it.

I don't want to remain in Sir David Attenborough.

You'll be lucky to get in there in the first place, pet, all right?

Just saying, he's a national treasure.

He may be an old institution, but you can change him from within.

Just to confuse everyone, what we should do is,

let's all agree to vote Remain,

but then, at the next general election, let's all vote Ukip.

APPLAUSE

I do say, it is worrying, though, cos if we do vote out,

-it's quite likely that Scotland will want another referendum.

-Yes.

LONE CLAP IN AUDIENCE That guy in particular.

The consequence of that, of course, is that for England it's Brexit,

but for the United Kingdom, it's Fucks-It.

If it was just England leaving the EU,

would it just be called Exit?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

For me, the confusion with, like, the celebrities is that I saw that

Katie Hopkins was - and this will surprise you...

LAUGHTER

..she wants to leave.

She wants to leave the EU, Katie Hopkins, so I was like,

"Great, that's my mind made up. I'm definitely staying."

And then I found out Clarkson is voting for Remain.

And I, personally, for me,

Hopkins-Clarkson

is a harder decision than In or Out.

LAUGHTER

What's the deal with you staying here? If...

See, I'm here, I'm allowed to stay here under...

on a pre-existing Irish-English thing that goes back...

-Oh, don't get involved in that, mate.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

-Just leave it be.

-He says he's allowed to stay here. It's just him.

-Yeah!

There's a specific arrangement.

I don't come under the same convention.

He's got to do a written exam next week.

In the '20s, there was a letter delivered to the British government,

saying, "In time, there will come one. One will arrive.

"And when the one comes, you must give him

"a platform that befits the gravity of his message."

-You're basically Neo.

-Yeah, I'm Neo,

but, you know, I'm not good with computers.

We're going to have to move on.

Trust me, this is a topic we may return to over the next few weeks.

-Oh, OK.

-Big thanks, by the way, to everyone watching the show last week

who spotted a fly land on my head

-in the middle of the show.

-Wow.

LAUGHTER

They sent me, on Twitter, you know, in the way that it does,

lots of people,

just as I'm laughing at a comment that you're making, Hugh, "Ha-ha",

when a fly lands on my head.

And that's all I've heard of the entire show.

Literally, no joke was noticed by anyone other than people

trying to screen grab that to send it to me.

Why did you not...? What's happened to your central nervous system

that you were unaware that a fly had landed on your head?

Because it was...it was a fly, Hugh, rather than...

It wasn't like a gazelle sat on my head.

LAUGHTER

Did, for a moment, you go, "It's growing back!"

Yeah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

-I think you look sweet with it.

-It's like a tiny topknot.

-Yeah.

-Were you going for a tiny topknot?

-Gathered all the strands.

-"I'm still down with the kids!"

-Yeah!

I'm Zlatan!

I think it's more reminiscent of a little bird on the back of a hippo.

-HOLLY:

-Aww.

-Oh, wow!

-Hey!

If you really scale it up, though, you know.

You think I'm in a symbiotic relationship - the fly cleans me?

In exchange, I don't kill or eat the fly?

I like to think, if you zoom in on the fly, it's also going...

Like you're both laughing at the same time.

And if you zoom in really, really closely,

there's this little bacteria on top of the fly, going...

Just a happy chain.

LAUGHTER

At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Holly and Dave!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called Everything I Do, I Do It For EU.

LAUGHTER

This game involves Rob and James.

If you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Going Out.

Rob.

I, uh, like going out and getting drunk. It's fun, innit?

I got so drunk the other week,

it was the most hungover I've ever been.

In the morning, I bought a McDonald's breakfast,

and ate it in the queue for a Greggs.

APPLAUSE

And I still don't know if I'm ashamed or proud.

I don't like tequila, though. I don't like doing shots.

It annoys me, tequila. It's too much admin, innit?

It's like, "Oh, lick a bit of salt, eat a lemon."

"What are you doing that for?" "It makes it taste nicer."

It's not fish and chips, is it?

No-one looks like they're enjoying it.

Everyone looks panicked, don't they? They're always like...

HE JIBBERS

Oh, thank God for the salt and lemon.

They're loving it, aren't they?

Do you know how to make a tequila nicer?

Do a tequila and have a Cadbury's Creme Egg.

That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Take the taste out of your mouth.

The thing is, as well, though, I can't properly get on it now.

I'm, like, a bit older. I'm not saying I'm too old to get drunk.

When I was 18, you don't care, do you? You can get battered.

Just get on with it, because hangovers,

they say hangovers get worse. They don't, do they?

You just have more shit to do when you're older. That's the problem.

When I was 18, I'd be getting on it, someone goes,

"Do you want some drugs?"

I'm like, "Oh, I don't know. How will it affect me?

"What will Mum think? Oh, my God, drugs!" Now, I'm on a night out

and someone's like, "Do you want some drugs?"

"Can't, mate." I've got to paint the fence tomorrow.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't want to be painting a fence all sad.

All hot, sweaty and vulnerable, like...

HE WHIMPERS

"I was really looking forward to painting this fence last night.

"I told everyone about it. I'm so hot, sweaty and sad."

I'm more likely to keep hold of the drugs, do them in the morning

before the fence, just smash it like that.

"I'll do the roof. Shall I do the roof? Let's do the roof."

"We got no ladder." "I'm flying, Mum!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Rob.

OK, that leaves us with James.

Let's see what topic you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

And it's Food And Drink.

Uh...I'm not like Rob.

LAUGHTER

I don't like going out and getting drunk. I like staying in.

I drink on my own. Way cooler, man.

I lock the door, I get myself a glass of punch.

Is that weird? I drink punch on my own. Is that strange?

I drink it from a big punch bowl with a ladle in it in the corner

of my bedroom. Is that weird? I don't know what...

I don't know what other people do.

People are always worried about punch getting spiked.

Solo punch - problem solved.

I'm not going to spike myself unless it's Fun Time Thursdays.

LAUGHTER

I tried going out with some mates recently. We hit the town.

I'm a prankster when I'm out with my friends.

One of them left me alone with his pint while he went to the toilet.

Big mistake. It's a classic prank.

I always do this when someone leaves me alone with their pint.

I went round the bar using his pint to propose toasts with,

deliberately proposing toasts to things I knew he disagreed with.

LAUGHTER

He comes back, has a sip - "Eurgh! What've you done with that?"

I'm like, "Ha-ha-ha."

LAUGHTER

You just drank to the service charge being included in the bill.

You just drank to those bedside lamps that don't have the switch

on the cord, like is convenient,

but have it on the neck of the lamp under the bulb.

It's like a bolt you have to somehow slide across,

and you can't even reach it like that.

You've got to get your whole hand up inside the lampshade,

It hurts. It's really awkward. You can't even see it.

You've got to look in the top of the lampshade to see what you're doing,

then you turn it on and it blinds you.

You just drank to those lamps. You love those lamps.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

Points for both of you. Come on. Very good.

Thank you very much.

Our next round is called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

-Dane - which category would you like?

-I'll take Sport, please.

-Sport, OK.

-Yes.

-Your category is Sport.

The answer is 24. What is the question?

What's my age when it comes to Young Person's Railcards forever?

That's not the correct answer but it's a good scheme.

Is it the number of people Jesus could have sat at the Last Supper,

if he'd used both sides of the table?

APPLAUSE

That's a very good point.

Is it, according to Nigel Farage,

how many of the Turkish population will be living in Turkey...in 2020?

Is it how many English hooligans

do you need to take down one Russian Ultra?

Is it once the initial novelty has worn off,

how many times a day does the average person regret

buying that cuckoo clock?

Is it the age at which porn films think you're a MILF?

Is it how many dance troupes was I kicked out of for being too edgy?

How many more movies are left in the Fast And Furious franchise?

After what age is life just an increasingly speedy

descent into despair?

Is it when an English person and a European person

share an advent calendar,

how many chocolates does the English person think they deserve?

Is it on average, how many hours' sleep do you get every night...

when you're dead?

-That sounds nice!

-It's not that, no, it's not that, no.

-This one's about football, innit.

-Yeah.

-Is it how many teams are in the Euros?

-Yes, it is!

-Yes, please!

Well done. APPLAUSE

Yes!

Yes, the question I was looking for is how many countries

are competing in the UEFA European Championships in France this summer,

making it the biggest in the tournament's history?

Three games a day at the moment. Enjoying it. Are we enjoying it?

-Oh, God, yes.

-Love it.

-Love it.

-Man.

Love the Euros.

By the way, this is going out, as you know, I know that we don't

want to ruin the magic of this, that people don't want to know that

it's recorded on Tuesday and then goes out on Thursday,

but of course this afternoon's game between England and Wales,

-we'd love to respond to that.

-What a game that was.

-I think football was the winner, wasn't it?

-No, maybe not,

we don't know. That's even too specific.

We can't even say that. There may have actually been a winner

and therefore what you've just said makes no sense.

What's up with Hugh? He's mad, he's mad, that Hugh!

It isn't this far off - did you see Rio Ferdinand in the England game,

in the first England game saying, "Well, you know, there were

"a lot of expectations going into this game,

"but you would expect that."

Are there too many teams, though? Is it too big?

-Is it going on too long?

-I love it. I love the Euros.

I don't like England being in it because it's too stressful, innit?

It's like a bad relationship, innit?

You think it's going to get better, you know, it's changed,

it's going to be good this time, your friends go, "No, it's not,"

but it is, it is. But it's always the same,

it's like a bad relationship - you just end up in tears at a barbecue.

I hope Leicester win.

APPLAUSE

Who are England players baby-sitting throughout the tournament?

Wayne Rooney?

-Oh, it's this tiny lion, isn't it? No, is it a lion?

-It's a lion.

It's a fluffy lion called Leo, yeah.

They have to carry it around like they're on a stag do

and one of them's at all times got to have the lion on them.

In the papers, they keep going,

"The toy lion, they're carrying the toy lion."

I don't think they need to put "toy lion."

We know it's a toy.

It's not like they go to an injury update,

"Rooney's pulled his calf

"and Danny Rose has been mauled to death by the lion."

I think it's sweet, you know, because the last thing that got

passed around the England football team was a prostitute, so...

Well, we've not seen the back end of that lion,

so we don't know what's happening.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Toy lion.

APPLAUSE

In other news, who celebrated their 90th birthday last weekend?

-About 400 people, probably.

-Yeah, loads of them, actually, yeah.

Was it Bruce Forsyth's daughter?

He IS old.

-It was of course Her Majesty the Queen.

-Yes, it is.

-It's this lady here.

-Oh, my God.

Did anyone watch the celebrations?

At one point on that day,

my five-year-old sang God Save The Queen to me.

-Oh, my lord.

-That's...created mixed emotions.

For an Irish atheist.

I watched a little bit of it. It's very, very British, isn't it?

It cost 150 quid a head to go to this picnic in the Mall

and you got a pork pie, you got a pac-a-mac,

and it's full of people going, "Do you know what?

"The EU is SUCH a waste of money!"

I read a quote that someone said and they said,

"What could be more British than standing in the rain

"wearing a poncho?" And I thought,

"Well, that's pretty Peruvian."

Oh, soon the Queen will be here...

MIMES THE SOUND OF PANPIPES

I'm not that against the Queen and the royal family,

but I'm against people that LOVE the Queen

-and the royal family.

-Yeah.

I mean, when I see someone in a Union Jack pac-a-mac. Fuck off!

Well, you've got to understand,

these people have a very dear relationship with the Queen.

And it's very personal to them,

so they line the streets and she waves at them to celebrate all the

times in the past when they've lined the streets and she's waved at them.

APPLAUSE

It's weird, isn't it? They take the number plate, didn't have a

number plate on those cars, so you don't know whose they are.

And then she's just sticking out of the top of it.

If you had her number plate,

-you might be able to trace her address.

-Yeah.

OK. What's going on here?

It looks like he's dropped his hat down a hole and he's looking for it.

Is this Worst Skydive Ever?

Is he saying, "Ooh, I can hear the Victoria Line!"

Prince Charles poisons the wrong person?

-IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES'S VOICE:

-Damn! I was aiming at Mother!

Maybe he just died of embarrassment

because he turned up in the same thing.

Does anyone know what it actually is?

-A bloke has got his cock stuck in a drain.

-Yeah, that's it.

He's fronting it out, though, isn't he? He's fronting it out!

"You guys carry on with your manoeuvres, I'll be doing this!"

He's misunderstood the phrase "manhole".

-It's a geezer on the floor, isn't it?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Yep, he's one of the guards of the Household Division

who fainted during the Trooping The Colour.

-Oh!

-Yes. It happens all the time, apparently.

That is the moment of kapoom.

Aren't these the guards that don't move?

So how do we know that they haven't all fallen over

and maybe the ground has come up and he's just stayed there?

And everybody else was like, "Earthquake!"

And he was like, "I've got a duty!"

-That's the problem with photos, isn't it, Dane?

-Yeah.

Because you don't know what's happening, do you?

Do you ever think that the actual people who guard the Queen,

the actual, like, the Secret Service guys whose job actually is to

guard the Queen, do you think they watch this and just think,

"You bunch of silly tarts"?

From what? It's not like, you know,

she's constantly getting into scrapes.

I'm just musing for humorous effect.

I have to be honest with you, Dara, I hadn't thought it seriously.

But what I heard, the Queen's going "Right, let's go for a rumble!"

"Oh, not again, Your Majesty."

"Everybody into a ninja formation."

Are you saying because the Queen

doesn't go around starting fistfights,

-that therefore the people who guard her, it's a piss-easy job?

-Yes.

There are all capable of doing this, but they never have to do it

because the Queen doesn't go down to Wetherspoon's and go - doink! -

"Oh, hello! Is there a problem?"

-She might not, but Philip probably does a lot.

-Yeah.

OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics

and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Dear National Geographic Channel,

when will the Nazis be building some more mega structures?

I can't wait for series two.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Dear Boomerang TV,

why does my letter keep coming back?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Dear Dave, you repeat Mock The Week so often,

I swear I've seen Holly Walsh do this joke before.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Dear Babestation,

when are you actually going to show the film Babe?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Dear Top Gear, your show has nothing to do with cocaine.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Dear ITV 2, is it possible to actually contract

an STD just from watching Geordie Shore?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Dear Netflix, I am so disappointed

by how much buffering happens on...

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Dear History Channel, I really enjoyed your documentary

about what panel shows were like 15 years...

Oh, no, wait, no, I'm watching Dave.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Dear CBeebies,

I have three beebies and my beebies love to watch CBeebies...

from, their deedie.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Dear History Channel,

the past is the past, mate, you've got to let it go.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Dear BBC, your documentary on binge drinking really

ruined my pre-drinks.

LAUGHTER

Dear Dave,

you repeat Mock The Week so often

I swear I've already seen Holly do this joke.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Dear Al Jazeera,

why no music from the jazz era?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Dear Babestation, what are you doing to mark the forthcoming

centenary of women's suffrage?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Dear Al Jazeera, I wonder if we're related.

Yours, Dave Jazeera.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

OK, the next topic is...

# Tell me more, tell me more, did you... #

Actually, don't tell us,

because we at the T-Birds don't do slut shaming.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Have you seen Spider-Man?

He's been shot to pieces.

He's all over the web.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

We have to save the President.

Or, depending on how the election goes,

we have to save everybody from the President.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Yo! Adrian!

Sorry, I thought you were Adrian.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Batman versus Superman...

Late kick-off.

BUZZER

Hey, Optimus Prime,

how about transforming this box of shit into a decent script?

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Oh, look, several women in their 50s.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

But my children are stuck in there with a monster.

We have to go back and... You know what, fuck 'em.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

He's already beaten Superman.

Now it's time for his toughest challenge -

Batman versus Rain Man.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I'll be back.

And if you're not in this time,

you'll have to pick it up from the depot.

LAUGHTER

It's good news and bad news, Captain.

We can't find Spock, but we have found Nemo

and someone thinks they've spotted Private Ryan.

BUZZER

You're struggling with those chopsticks. Use the fork, Luke.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

I'm Freddie, welcome to Elm Street,

the nightmare trying to find affordable housing. Mwa-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

I will kill Bill.

Or, depending on what he goes by, Killiam William.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry, James, we have to include the international dialling code.

You are now 00447.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

I'm not going to sponsor you on another 5K run, Forrest.

BUZZER

The X stands for xylophone

and the Xylophone Men don't take shit from nobody.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and James.

APPLAUSE

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are...

Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Dane Baptiste, Holly Walsh and Rob Beckett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching.

I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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