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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
# Read about the things that happen throughout the world | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
# Don't believe in everything you see or hear | 0:00:09 | 0:00:13 | |
# Read all about it Read all about it | 0:00:14 | 0:00:20 | |
# News of the world News of the world... # | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:22 | 0:00:23 | |
# Read all about it Read all about it | 0:00:23 | 0:00:28 | |
# News of the world News of the world. # | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
Joining me this week are Elis James, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett, | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
We start with a round called Picture Of The Week. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
I show the panel a topical image | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
and ask them to tell me what is happening. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
So, what's going on here? | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
-Ooh. -Oh! | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
I think, probably, this is just a picture | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
of all the UKIP people we've ever heard of. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Plus... Plus a random woman. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Can't work out where his chin is. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
Where it starts, where it ends. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
It's like a bag, isn't it? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
I've got a horrible feeling he's whispering to her, | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
"Do you fancy an in-out referendum?" | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
-AUDIENCE GROANS -Elis, that's horrible! | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
"Brexit means Brexit. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
"If I've said this once, I've said at a million times." | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Is it, "New UKIP leader makes clear her objection to unwanted POLES." | 0:01:36 | 0:01:40 | |
Is it, "Do you have problems lasting in bed? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
"Look at this photo and never come again." | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Is this a still from the UKIP version of Titanic? | 0:01:52 | 0:01:56 | |
In it, Farage's character suggests that they deliberately | 0:01:56 | 0:02:00 | |
steer towards the iceberg and crash into it, | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
and then, when it's sinking, still maintains it was a good idea. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
What you can't see in the photo, that's been cropped out, | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
he's actually naked from the waist down. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
Does anyone want to return...? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
I know we don't want to. ..to return...? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
That's Nigel Farage and the new leader of UKIP, called Diane James. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:22 | |
Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh. Very good. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:24 | 0:02:25 | |
Yes, this is a picture of new UKIP leader Diane James, | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
being embraced by former leader Nigel Farage, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
after she was elected at their party conference in Bournemouth. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
That's what we think. That's what we assume. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
This could have been as good as it was. Could have been... | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
That could have been an hour-long struggle. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
"Come here!" | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
Just for ages. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:46 | |
What makes me laugh is he's said, | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
like, now he's not the leader of UKIP, he can really speak his mind. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
But I don't know what he was doing before. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
Do you think, before, he was coming off of stage and going, | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
"I'm a bloody sell-out, I'm a sell-out. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
"You're just telling them what they want to hear, Nigel!" | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
You're pandering! Pandering to people! | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
I was quite used to Nigel Farage, | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
but I don't think I'm ready for a fascist leader called Diane. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
She said that she wanted to invoke Article 50 on Christmas Day, | 0:03:14 | 0:03:19 | |
as a gift to the nation. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
And I like the idea of some kid saying, | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
"Mummy, Daddy, do you think Santa's got me a bike?" | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
"No, but when you wake up, you will be free from red tape!" | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Why is Diane James already a cult figure in Malaysia? | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
-Because of a typo on your Autocue. -The, er... | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
They put UKIP all in a line... | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
-We can show you UKIP all in a line. -Yes. -UKIP, UKIP, UKIP, UKIP. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
If you put up a banner - | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
like, for, example after you've just lost a by-election - | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
it doesn't read as "UKIP, UKIP, UKIP, UKIP." | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
It very clearly reads as "PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI." | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
"I'm voting PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI." | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
What does "PUKI" mean in Malaysian? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
It's a word for a female set of genitalia. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
-It's vagina! -Yeah. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI is the Malay... | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
One of the many Malay words for vagina. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
You know what the other Malay word for vagina is? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
-Is it vagina? -No, no. There may be many. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
Is it BNP? | 0:04:18 | 0:04:19 | |
It's not. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
-It's Farage, isn't it? -Faraj, spelt F-A-R-A-J. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
-Faraj also means vagina. -Just wonderful. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
The Malays have so many wonderful words for vagina. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
And all of them are nicer than the word vagina. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Maybe that's why he wants independence | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
from all other countries, cos Farage means fanny in all those countries, | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
so he's just... He's sick of it. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
It doesn't affect your political career, necessarily. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
There is genuinely a member of the House of Lords called Lady Garden. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
How did Farage upstage the new leader? What did he do? | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
Oh, did he go swimming naked? | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
-He did go, yes. -Well, pants on. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
-Skinny-dipping, they've called it. -Pants on. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
It's a very odd celebration, though, isn't it? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:01 | |
To celebrate leaving Europe by stripping off | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
-and swimming towards it? -Yeah. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
I think... Serious suggestion here. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
-Oh, yeah? -I think... | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
Hello, by the way. I realised I haven't said hello to you today. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
-Hello, James. Good to see you. -Hello, good to see you all. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
My main point... | 0:05:17 | 0:05:18 | |
I would like to complement you on managing to find a jumper | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
-that's the exact same colour as your hair. -Thank you. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
-It's very good. -And my shirt. -And your shirt. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
And I'm working on my skin. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:28 | |
I'm hoping that soon I'll be completely in mustard, | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
and then hide in Colman's. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Not to seem churlish, but can we return to the topic at hand? | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
Is that all right? | 0:05:43 | 0:05:44 | |
Absolutely. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:45 | |
-Can you remember what the topic was? -No. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
-It is illegal to be naked in public. -Is it? -Yeah. -Oh, I suppose it is. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:53 | |
-I mean, you can't take all your clothes off. Yeah. -Of course it is. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
-I think... -Why did I, for a second, doubt that? | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
-I apologise. -You were like, "Is it? I feel so naughty!" | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
An interesting window on my views. "Is it?" | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
What's wrong with you people? Just be relaxed. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
-For God's sake. -That's why we're all sitting behind desks. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
They're just bodies! | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
He really hasn't retired, has he? So he's been to America, hasn't he? | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
And he's worked with Donald Trump, hasn't he? | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
He has, he's appeared with Donald Trump. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
In America, he's known as Mr Brexit. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Well, it sounds like a sort of | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
1970s men's clothes shop to me, doesn't it? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
"Where'd you get your shirt?" "Mr Brexit." | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
In Malaysia, Mr Brexit means vagina, did you know that? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
-What new challenge is Theresa May facing? -Oh, there's a group... | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
-A group has been set up... -Yes. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
-I believe that they're called Leave Means Leave. -Yes, they are. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
And they're saying, "We want Brexit now, hard Brexit." | 0:06:41 | 0:06:45 | |
This whole thing feels like a really horrible game | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
of Would You Rather, but they're both things you don't want. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
Like, "Would you rather have massive hands, | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
"but they're not attached to your body, | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
"or tiny hands, but they're strangling you? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
"And, by the way, one of them means you're racist." | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
It's too hard! | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
It must be so hard for him. It must be so stressful, so confusing. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
Cos I tried to switch from BT Sport to Sky Sports, | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
and I ended up crying and just having both. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
I think I might have an idea, in terms of solving... | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
Basically because half of the country want to leave | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
and half slightly more want to stay. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:18 | |
Why don't we do a Robbie? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
-Like, where we leave, but we come back for big concerts? -Yes. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
So, like, everyone's OK about it, the fans are happy. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
When he does turn up, what a great surprise. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
But, actually, most of the time, he's not in the band. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
So he's... | 0:07:32 | 0:07:33 | |
Sort of, sort of unexpectedly, | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
so they have the European things where there's 27 of them around, | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
and they're all just swaying gently, and then it's like... | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
"Aaaah!" | 0:07:41 | 0:07:42 | |
Yeah! | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
I would rather have big hands but they're not attached to my body. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
Fair enough. That's settled once and forever. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Good, good, good. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
In other news, what's going on here? | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
Is it Labour announcing the new replacement for Trident? | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
Is it, like, the shocking photos of Tyson Fury | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
before the alleged doping? | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
Is he saying, "Hi, I'd like you to buy | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
"my lean, green grilling machine." | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
To be fair, though, boxing Corbyn would be a nightmare, wouldn't it? | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
He don't give up at the best of times. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:23 | |
Like, he's been knocked out five times, the ref's going, | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
"I'm going to stop it." He goes, "No, no, I intend to carry on!" | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
"Not until the membership of the party has decided I shall leave!" | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
"You've got no face left, Corbyn!" | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
I think he's probably going, "The gloves are off! | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
"Oh, hang on." | 0:08:39 | 0:08:40 | |
It is, of course, Jeremy Corbyn | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
who, in the last week of the Labour leadership campaign, | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
faces scrutiny over the influence of the hard left within the party. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Yes, a lot of analysis going on about Momentum now, | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
and how much influence Momentum have. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
Yeah, I only heard of Momentum this week, | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
and they sound like either really naff team on The Apprentice | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
or an amazing dance group on Britain's Got Talent. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
It's one or the other. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:02 | |
I thought it sounds like a bit of medicine | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
to help relieve constipation. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
You know? "Take Momentum. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
"Warrgh!" | 0:09:08 | 0:09:09 | |
Do that face again! | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
Warrgh! | 0:09:12 | 0:09:13 | |
That's me if I've had to take... Warrgh! | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
Just flies out of me, and then you're right as rain. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
That's the advert I'm doing next week. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
"Momentum For Men. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:23 | |
"Warrgh! | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
"Keep your composure! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
"Warrgh!" | 0:09:27 | 0:09:28 | |
I am going to spend most of the next week | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
replaying the inevitable gif that is going to come out of that. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
-That will be captioned, "Rob's sex face." -Yeah. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
"Warrgh! Warrgh! Warrgh!" | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
The, er... Yes, it's Momentum. By the way, who are... | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
You know, they are a very passionate organisation who tweet a lot | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
and get in touch a lot with shows when they're criticised. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
So a big hello to all of you on Twitter... | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
-SARA: -We haven't criticised them. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
..who will, nonetheless, | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
accuse me of being part of some sort of BBC-wide conspiracy. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
Anything vaguely criticising Corbyn, it's like, "Oh! Oh!" | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
This is them with the computer, obviously. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
Not just furiously banging a thing, going, | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
"You! Part of the BBC anti-Corbyn..." | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
Like the BBC sit me down with Huw Edwards and Fiona Bruce | 0:10:05 | 0:10:10 | |
and the team from Match Of The Day and... | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
Tell us how we're supposed to hate Corbyn. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
Like, I can't even get into the BBC building, for Christ's sake. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:19 | |
-Have you heard about Momentum Kids? -Oh, yeah. -Ah, brilliant. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
-So I thought this was kind of dodgy. -Yeah, they only have half a dosage. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
And it's a bit more flavourful. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
Taste like strawberries. Like strawberry. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
It's a strawberry flavour, innit? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:36 | |
Sorry, so Momentum Kids? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
I've got hold of some of their teaching materials here. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
I've got some of their nursery rhymes and songs. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
There Was An Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe... | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
Because The Tories Sold All Of The Council Houses. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
Old Macdonald Had An Organic Farm. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
G-M, G-M-Bad. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
If You're Happy And You Know It, Then You're Wrong. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
That's just like all of my politics and my favourite songs, all in one! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
Well, Momentum has set up a child's wing of the Labour Party. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
The Tories have already done that. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
And they call it Eton. Am I right? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Do you think their kids | 0:11:14 | 0:11:15 | |
might confuse Corbyn with Father Christmas? | 0:11:15 | 0:11:19 | |
Because he's got a beard, hasn't he? | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
He's promised people lots of presents, | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
and adults laugh at you for believing in him. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
-Yes! -Christmas joke! -APPLAUSE | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
-Christmas! -Christmas! | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
-THEY CHANT: -Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
You have... | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
You've not just saved Christmas, | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
you've saved the Christmas special. That's what you've done there. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Sara and Elis. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
CHEERING | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Now we play around called Mock Out With Your Cock Out. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
This game... | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
involves Elis and Gary. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
So if you could make your way to the performance area, please. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
This round's a stand-up challenge. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
I'll launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
The first subject is Life Stages. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Who wants to come in on that? Elis. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
I've got a very young kid, | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
and one of the things I've noticed about fatherhood | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
is that it's turning me into a dad. Right? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
I started doing this thing that, when I'm excited, | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
I'm only ever seen usually Welsh, usually very working-class dads do | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
when they're excited, and I call it the clap and rub. OK? | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
So, if my mum, for instance, said, | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
"Oh, I can't be bothered to cook tonight. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
"Why don't we have fish and chips?" | 0:12:40 | 0:12:41 | |
My dad, because he's excited, will go, "Fish and chips? | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
"Fish and chips?!" | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
HE PUFFS | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
"Phwoar!" | 0:12:51 | 0:12:52 | |
And I have started doing that now. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
But when I'm doing it, I'm like, "What the hell is going on?! | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
"Why am I clapping and rubbing my hands?" | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
But it's an amazing thing, the clap and rub, because it's so versatile. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
You can use it to display excitement about anything. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
So you're like, "Oh, I'm going out for a drink with my friend, Dennis." | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
HE PUFFS | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
"Oh, the enquiry found me not guilty!" | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
HE PUFFS | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
Another thing with having a baby | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
is I think it brought on a midlife crisis. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
One of the first things I did when she was born | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
was I joined a boxing club. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:28 | |
Like a proper, spit-and-sawdust South London boxing club. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:33 | |
I don't want anyone to be frightened at home, | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
cos I'm not a hard bloke. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
Because, at my level, boxing is almost exclusively... | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
skipping. Um... | 0:13:42 | 0:13:43 | |
I am absolutely incredible at skipping now, | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
but I don't know how this is going to help me | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
in a one-on-one combat situation. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:51 | |
I'll be walking down some alleyway late at night | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
and a bloke will be like, "Oi, give me your phone and your wallet!" | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
I'll be like, "Are you mugging me?" "Yeah, I'm mugging you." | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
"You mugging me?" "Yeah, I'm mucking you." | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
"Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
"Well, try it." | 0:14:02 | 0:14:03 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
Thank you very much, Elis James! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you've been left with. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
Let's spin the wheel. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
And the topic is Relationships. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
The other day, a woman described me as "a bit of a looker". | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
Well, "voyeur" was the actual word that she used. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS, | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
but she shat on me from a great height. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
One time, I nearly had a threesome | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
with my girlfriend and my best friend. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
And the only thing that stopped it happening | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
was they didn't invite me. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
My girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
with something special inside to boost her pleasure. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
I said, "Ooh, what's that?" | 0:14:54 | 0:14:55 | |
She said, "Other men." | 0:14:55 | 0:14:56 | |
Our fourth child was called Ivy. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
And that's cos we ran out of names and started using Roman numerals. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
My last girlfriend was always trying to put me down, | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
which is just one of the hazards of going out with a vet. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
I tried reading a book on premature ejaculation, | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
but I couldn't get past the opening passage. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
This Christmas, I'm taking the whole family to Lapland. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
Which is great, cos normally those clubs don't let kids in. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
that she's just going to scream and run out of the park. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
My girlfriend and I love watching box sets. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
We got three episodes into Orange Is The New Black | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
before finding out it wasn't about | 0:15:47 | 0:15:48 | |
what would happen if Trump replaced Obama. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
Thank you very much. Well done. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:54 | |
The points at the end of that round go to Gary Delaney! Come back! | 0:15:54 | 0:15:58 | |
Our next round is called | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? | 0:16:04 | 0:16:05 | |
On the board are six categories. Elis, which category would you like? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
-Could I have Home News, please? -Absolutely. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Home News it is. The answer is... | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
What is the question? | 0:16:14 | 0:16:15 | |
Is it... | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
the amount of times I'll check my phone | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
when I'm watching a friend's band? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
Is it, how many times happier is Jennifer Aniston | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
than she was this time last week? | 0:16:26 | 0:16:27 | |
Yeah! | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
Playing the long game, Aniston! | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
Is it, how many hours tutoring would Rob need to get into grammar school? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
AUDIENCE OOHS | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
That's not very nice, is it? | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
You'd pass for 11, though. You have the kind of... | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
Oh, yeah, I could do grammar school if I wanted, mate. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
But, you know, why knock about learning | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
when you can just turn up and do this? | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
Is it, how many fridge magnets can you put on a fridge | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
before it topples over? | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
Is it, how money times have I been told it's inappropriate | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
to refer to myself as "White Kanye"? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
Apparently it's not on, but I like it as a nickname. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
-I think it's... There are two answers to this, Dara. -Yes? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
It is, what is Google's annual income before tax? And... | 0:17:15 | 0:17:21 | |
-what is Google's annual income after tax? -Yeah. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Is it the amount of times we've discussed Brexit on the show? | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
It was rather a big news story, Rob, to be fair. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
I know, but keep going on about it! | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
Can't we just do this and not talk about the news? | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Just for one week, just have a chat? | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
And just see how we all are inside? Cos we've got problems! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
I've got stuff going on, mate - I can't be bothered with Europe! | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
I can't even sort my own house out! | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
The kitchen's falling apart, | 0:17:59 | 0:18:00 | |
I've got people talking to me about tiles. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
I don't know what tiles I want! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
It's hard work! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
I've got gravel outside me house and every time | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
I come in some comes in off me shoes. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
You can't hoover it, you can't sweep it, it's just always there | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
and now you're going, "Article 50..." | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
I don't give a fuck! | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Do you get like this? | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
Why not take Momentum? | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
Is it how many virgins watch Robot Wars? | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
AUDIENCE: Ohhhh! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Wow! | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
-SARA: -OK, I know this one. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:41 | |
Attack him, Carbide. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
The correct answer is, | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
how much Monopoly money was I fined for swallowing the tiny silver dog? | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
It's actually to do with the nuclear power station at Hinkley Point, | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
-isn't it? -Yes, and what... | 0:19:03 | 0:19:04 | |
It's how many fingers will the average child have if they're | 0:19:04 | 0:19:08 | |
born near Hinkley Point? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:09 | |
It's Somerset, mate, it's going to make very little difference. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:13 | |
-AUDIENCE: Ooh! -A lot of "oohs" tonight. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
-SARA: -Yeah, they're really oohing. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
This power plant is going to bring | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
Somerset into the 20th century, mate, you watch. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
The full answer is how much will it cost to build the new nuclear | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
reactor, Hinkley C, in Somerset? | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Absolutely right. Thank you, Hugh Dennis. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
Yes, the correct answer is, how much | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
is the nuclear power station Hinkley Point in Somerset expected to cost? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:42 | |
It's being funded two thirds by the French and one third by the Chinese. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Imagine the work canteen. "I'll have a sweet-and-sour croissant, please." | 0:19:45 | 0:19:51 | |
The advantage of a French nuclear reactor is, | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
if it starts smoking, it'll still look cool. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
It doesn't make any sense, they're going to lose lots of money | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
and it reminds me, it's like deja vu, it's the Millennium Dome, | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
except this time it's radioactive, we can't even use it for concerts afterwards. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
-This is terrible. -I can't wait, I love it. -What?! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
I love it! | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
I love nuclear power, I can't wait to be an X-Men. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
It'll be Colonel Mustard. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
People are tentative because it one third owned by the Chinese, | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
they've a strange idea that the Chinese therefore will | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
somehow be in control and they might withdraw power. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
It's two thirds owned by the French, | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
the French are getting off scot-free. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
We recently insulted the French by voting to move away from them | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
and now they're going to build this and after a week it'll be, | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
knock knock, "Bonjour, eh, can nous 'ave some electricity?" | 0:20:50 | 0:20:56 | |
"Non! No electricity pour vous." | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
I hope I get the power to make prank phone calls with my mind. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
-In your X-Men, you can choose what you want to be, can you? -Yes. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:12 | |
-Can I be White Kanye? -Yeah, yeah. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
On the news, it was save the species of tortoise from extinction. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
-A tortoise? -Yes. How did he do it, Hugh? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
-Well, he had sex with the other tortoises. -Yes! | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
In some ways you make the story seem very ordinary. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:28 | |
-What was the name of the tortoise? -Diego. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
I don't like this story because it was reported like, Diego, | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
single-handedly saved the species of tortoise. Did he? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
Did he lay the eggs, did he sit on them until they hatch? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:40 | |
Did he feed the children? | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
Did he teach them everything that she knew and then try not to | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
cry when they asked, "Why don't we have a daddy?" | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
Oh, because he's shagging everyone on this island, that's why. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
I don't like him. He's a bad tortoise. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
-APPLAUSE -Thank you. A bad tortoise. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:58 | |
It's hypocritical as well. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
He has sex with hundreds and hundreds of tortoises and he's a hero. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:04 | |
I have sex with one... | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
He hasn't saved an entire species, | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
he's had sex with lots of tortoises and had 800 kids. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
He's created a ticking time bomb of incest. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
No-one's saying... | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
Obviously, the wider the gene pool the stronger it is but it's | 0:22:19 | 0:22:24 | |
very difficult to tell with a tortoise if they've actually been damaged by... | 0:22:24 | 0:22:28 | |
You can't go, "I think he's a bit damaged when he's a little slow." | 0:22:28 | 0:22:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
-What do French scientists claim to have produced this week? -Sperm. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
This story makes no sense. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
-French scientists said they had made sperm. -Yes. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
Why would you make such a plentiful resource. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Just go in any teenager's bedroom. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:49 | |
But they said they've tried to make sperm in the past and they | 0:22:49 | 0:22:53 | |
thought it was sperm and then it wasn't sperm. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:57 | |
The only time anyone's been disappointed to discover | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
something isn't sperm. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
This isn't sperm! You promised me sperm! | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
Just toothpaste. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
I reckon someone get caught at work doing something naughty and it's | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
-the biggest styled it out ever. -Yeah! | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
His boss comes in, "What are you doing?" | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
"Ah, I'm just making something." | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
"I've been making sperm." | 0:23:19 | 0:23:20 | |
"For science!" | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
"Get out, Mum, I'm doing science!" | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Right, the points go to Sara, Rob and Ellis. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
Now we come to scenes we'd like to see. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
I'll read our this week's topics and we'll see what our panels can come | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
up with. OK. Here we go. The first subject is... | 0:23:46 | 0:23:51 | |
Eve took the apple. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
"Bollocks", she said, "it hasn't got a headphone jack." | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
And it had all been a dream. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
And in the beginning there was the word and the word was good | 0:24:11 | 0:24:15 | |
but it wasn't compatible with Macs. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
And after the Last Supper came the last argument about who had | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
a starter. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
I should have known it would be you with a name like bloody Judas. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
So it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and Noah said, | 0:24:36 | 0:24:40 | |
"Next year we holiday abroad." | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
"I have five loaves and two fishes," he said. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
"Who wants cod in breadcrumbs?" | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Jesus handed out cans of Dr Pepper and said, | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
"Drink this in remembrance of me. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
"That's right, my full name is Dr Jesus Pepper." | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
People who enjoyed this book also enjoyed the Koran and the Torah. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:17 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
There was stress in the Garden of Eden. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
Adam wanted to leave but Eve had voted remain. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
This book has been rated 18 due to graphic violence, | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
moderate threat and homophobia. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
God is love, the devil is 40. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
Match point. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:44 | |
And most importantly of all, thou shalt not board the train | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
until other people have alighted the train. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:55 | 0:25:59 | |
When Jesus saw the tables outside of the church, he went mental | 0:25:59 | 0:26:04 | |
and started smashing everything up because he hated fetes and had | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
lost all his money on the guess the weight of the cake competition. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
There is but one commandment greater than these, | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
secure the talent before you buy the Bake Off. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:20 | 0:26:24 | |
Though shalt not steal, unless from the self-service checkout. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
You all do it. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
Birthday cards, no weight, is there? | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
No, actually, my nan couldn't have done that because she's a virgin. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
The animals came in two by two, | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
for 'twas Orange Wednesday. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
OK. The next topic is... | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
Lines you wouldn't hear in a James Bond film. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
Sorry, mate, this is Spoons we don't do Martini, | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
do you want a jug of Woo Woo? | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
We've invented you a new phone, Bond. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
It's exactly the same as the old phone but you need to buy | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
a new charger. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
We've got the latest news on Thunderball, 007. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:22 | |
No-one won last week and it's the rollover. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
Ah, Mr Bond. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
Welcome to this mandatory course on sexual harassment in the workplace. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:35 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
Hi, the name's Bond. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
It's not actually double O 7, | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
they're zeros otherwise I would be called - | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
"Ooooh, seven!" | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
-RUSSIAN ACCENT: -Mr Bond, I'm very flattered by your advances but | 0:27:52 | 0:27:56 | |
you are complete stranger. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
You work for my enemy and I am menstruating very heavily. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:03 | |
Bond, meet your children, | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
005, 003 and double O 18 months. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
You want my full name, of course. It's Bond. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
James Skipton Building Society Fixed-rate One-year Bond. | 0:28:18 | 0:28:24 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
This is another gadget, Bond, it's a way of distracting your | 0:28:31 | 0:28:34 | |
opponent, some light-up trainers for no reason. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:39 | 0:28:42 | |
-ACCENTED: -Mr Bond, I have one question for you. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:48 | |
Does this testicle look swollen? | 0:28:48 | 0:28:51 | |
So, Mr Bond, welcome back. How was Russia? How do you feel? | 0:28:56 | 0:29:01 | |
D'you know what? Rested. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:03 | |
Mr Bond, we just want to check that you understand how to use the | 0:29:07 | 0:29:11 | |
new equipment. You know you can swipe left, don't you? | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 | |
Blofeld, no, I've never even met Feld. | 0:29:18 | 0:29:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:25 | 0:29:27 | |
This is the easiest fight on top of a train I've ever had. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:31 | |
Thank you, Southern Rail. | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS | 0:29:34 | 0:29:38 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I've got a girlfriend, no thank you. | 0:29:38 | 0:29:42 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:29:45 | 0:29:47 | |
At the end of that, the points go to James, Hugh and Gary. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:50 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Elis James, Sara Pascoe and Rob Becket. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:59 | |
CHEERING | 0:29:59 | 0:30:03 | |
Commiserations to James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:07 | |
CHEERING | 0:30:07 | 0:30:10 | |
Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight. | 0:30:10 | 0:30:13 | |
# Read about the things that happen throughout the world | 0:30:16 | 0:30:20 | |
# Don't believe in everything you see or hear | 0:30:22 | 0:30:26 | |
# Read all about it | 0:30:28 | 0:30:30 | |
# Read all about it | 0:30:30 | 0:30:33 | |
# News of the world News of the world... # | 0:30:33 | 0:30:35 |