Episode 9 Mock the Week


Episode 9

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Read all about it Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world. #

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Elis James, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett,

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James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

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I show the panel a topical image

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and ask them to tell me what is happening.

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So, what's going on here?

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-Ooh.

-Oh!

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I think, probably, this is just a picture

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of all the UKIP people we've ever heard of.

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Plus... Plus a random woman.

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APPLAUSE

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Can't work out where his chin is.

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Where it starts, where it ends.

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It's like a bag, isn't it?

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I've got a horrible feeling he's whispering to her,

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"Do you fancy an in-out referendum?"

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-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Elis, that's horrible!

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"Brexit means Brexit.

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"If I've said this once, I've said at a million times."

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Is it, "New UKIP leader makes clear her objection to unwanted POLES."

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Is it, "Do you have problems lasting in bed?

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"Look at this photo and never come again."

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Is this a still from the UKIP version of Titanic?

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In it, Farage's character suggests that they deliberately

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steer towards the iceberg and crash into it,

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and then, when it's sinking, still maintains it was a good idea.

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What you can't see in the photo, that's been cropped out,

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he's actually naked from the waist down.

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Does anyone want to return...?

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I know we don't want to. ..to return...?

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That's Nigel Farage and the new leader of UKIP, called Diane James.

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Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh. Very good.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, this is a picture of new UKIP leader Diane James,

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being embraced by former leader Nigel Farage,

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after she was elected at their party conference in Bournemouth.

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That's what we think. That's what we assume.

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This could have been as good as it was. Could have been...

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That could have been an hour-long struggle.

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"Come here!"

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Just for ages.

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What makes me laugh is he's said,

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like, now he's not the leader of UKIP, he can really speak his mind.

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But I don't know what he was doing before.

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Do you think, before, he was coming off of stage and going,

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"I'm a bloody sell-out, I'm a sell-out.

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"You're just telling them what they want to hear, Nigel!"

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You're pandering! Pandering to people!

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I was quite used to Nigel Farage,

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but I don't think I'm ready for a fascist leader called Diane.

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She said that she wanted to invoke Article 50 on Christmas Day,

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as a gift to the nation.

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And I like the idea of some kid saying,

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"Mummy, Daddy, do you think Santa's got me a bike?"

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"No, but when you wake up, you will be free from red tape!"

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Why is Diane James already a cult figure in Malaysia?

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-Because of a typo on your Autocue.

-The, er...

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APPLAUSE

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They put UKIP all in a line...

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-We can show you UKIP all in a line.

-Yes.

-UKIP, UKIP, UKIP, UKIP.

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If you put up a banner -

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like, for, example after you've just lost a by-election -

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it doesn't read as "UKIP, UKIP, UKIP, UKIP."

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It very clearly reads as "PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI."

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"I'm voting PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI."

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What does "PUKI" mean in Malaysian?

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It's a word for a female set of genitalia.

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-It's vagina!

-Yeah.

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PUKI, PUKI, PUKI, PUKI is the Malay...

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One of the many Malay words for vagina.

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You know what the other Malay word for vagina is?

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-Is it vagina?

-No, no. There may be many.

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Is it BNP?

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It's not.

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-It's Farage, isn't it?

-Faraj, spelt F-A-R-A-J.

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-Faraj also means vagina.

-Just wonderful.

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The Malays have so many wonderful words for vagina.

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And all of them are nicer than the word vagina.

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Maybe that's why he wants independence

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from all other countries, cos Farage means fanny in all those countries,

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so he's just... He's sick of it.

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It doesn't affect your political career, necessarily.

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There is genuinely a member of the House of Lords called Lady Garden.

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How did Farage upstage the new leader? What did he do?

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Oh, did he go swimming naked?

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-He did go, yes.

-Well, pants on.

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-Skinny-dipping, they've called it.

-Pants on.

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It's a very odd celebration, though, isn't it?

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To celebrate leaving Europe by stripping off

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-and swimming towards it?

-Yeah.

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I think... Serious suggestion here.

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-Oh, yeah?

-I think...

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Hello, by the way. I realised I haven't said hello to you today.

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-Hello, James. Good to see you.

-Hello, good to see you all.

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My main point...

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I would like to complement you on managing to find a jumper

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-that's the exact same colour as your hair.

-Thank you.

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-It's very good.

-And my shirt.

-And your shirt.

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And I'm working on my skin.

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I'm hoping that soon I'll be completely in mustard,

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and then hide in Colman's.

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Not to seem churlish, but can we return to the topic at hand?

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Is that all right?

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Absolutely.

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-Can you remember what the topic was?

-No.

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-It is illegal to be naked in public.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-Oh, I suppose it is.

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-I mean, you can't take all your clothes off. Yeah.

-Of course it is.

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-I think...

-Why did I, for a second, doubt that?

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-I apologise.

-You were like, "Is it? I feel so naughty!"

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An interesting window on my views. "Is it?"

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What's wrong with you people? Just be relaxed.

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-For God's sake.

-That's why we're all sitting behind desks.

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They're just bodies!

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He really hasn't retired, has he? So he's been to America, hasn't he?

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And he's worked with Donald Trump, hasn't he?

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He has, he's appeared with Donald Trump.

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In America, he's known as Mr Brexit.

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Well, it sounds like a sort of

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1970s men's clothes shop to me, doesn't it?

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"Where'd you get your shirt?" "Mr Brexit."

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In Malaysia, Mr Brexit means vagina, did you know that?

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-What new challenge is Theresa May facing?

-Oh, there's a group...

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-A group has been set up...

-Yes.

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-I believe that they're called Leave Means Leave.

-Yes, they are.

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And they're saying, "We want Brexit now, hard Brexit."

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This whole thing feels like a really horrible game

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of Would You Rather, but they're both things you don't want.

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Like, "Would you rather have massive hands,

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"but they're not attached to your body,

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"or tiny hands, but they're strangling you?

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"And, by the way, one of them means you're racist."

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It's too hard!

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It must be so hard for him. It must be so stressful, so confusing.

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Cos I tried to switch from BT Sport to Sky Sports,

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and I ended up crying and just having both.

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I think I might have an idea, in terms of solving...

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Basically because half of the country want to leave

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and half slightly more want to stay.

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Why don't we do a Robbie?

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-Like, where we leave, but we come back for big concerts?

-Yes.

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So, like, everyone's OK about it, the fans are happy.

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When he does turn up, what a great surprise.

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But, actually, most of the time, he's not in the band.

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So he's...

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Sort of, sort of unexpectedly,

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so they have the European things where there's 27 of them around,

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and they're all just swaying gently, and then it's like...

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"Aaaah!"

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Yeah!

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I would rather have big hands but they're not attached to my body.

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APPLAUSE

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Fair enough. That's settled once and forever.

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Good, good, good.

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In other news, what's going on here?

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Is it Labour announcing the new replacement for Trident?

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APPLAUSE

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Is it, like, the shocking photos of Tyson Fury

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before the alleged doping?

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Is he saying, "Hi, I'd like you to buy

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"my lean, green grilling machine."

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To be fair, though, boxing Corbyn would be a nightmare, wouldn't it?

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He don't give up at the best of times.

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Like, he's been knocked out five times, the ref's going,

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"I'm going to stop it." He goes, "No, no, I intend to carry on!"

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"Not until the membership of the party has decided I shall leave!"

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"You've got no face left, Corbyn!"

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I think he's probably going, "The gloves are off!

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"Oh, hang on."

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It is, of course, Jeremy Corbyn

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who, in the last week of the Labour leadership campaign,

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faces scrutiny over the influence of the hard left within the party.

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Yes, a lot of analysis going on about Momentum now,

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and how much influence Momentum have.

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Yeah, I only heard of Momentum this week,

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and they sound like either really naff team on The Apprentice

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or an amazing dance group on Britain's Got Talent.

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It's one or the other.

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I thought it sounds like a bit of medicine

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to help relieve constipation.

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You know? "Take Momentum.

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"Warrgh!"

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Do that face again!

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Warrgh!

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That's me if I've had to take... Warrgh!

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Just flies out of me, and then you're right as rain.

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That's the advert I'm doing next week.

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"Momentum For Men.

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"Warrgh!

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"Keep your composure!

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"Warrgh!"

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I am going to spend most of the next week

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replaying the inevitable gif that is going to come out of that.

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-That will be captioned, "Rob's sex face."

-Yeah.

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"Warrgh! Warrgh! Warrgh!"

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The, er... Yes, it's Momentum. By the way, who are...

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You know, they are a very passionate organisation who tweet a lot

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and get in touch a lot with shows when they're criticised.

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So a big hello to all of you on Twitter...

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-SARA:

-We haven't criticised them.

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..who will, nonetheless,

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accuse me of being part of some sort of BBC-wide conspiracy.

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Anything vaguely criticising Corbyn, it's like, "Oh! Oh!"

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This is them with the computer, obviously.

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Not just furiously banging a thing, going,

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"You! Part of the BBC anti-Corbyn..."

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Like the BBC sit me down with Huw Edwards and Fiona Bruce

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and the team from Match Of The Day and...

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Tell us how we're supposed to hate Corbyn.

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Like, I can't even get into the BBC building, for Christ's sake.

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-Have you heard about Momentum Kids?

-Oh, yeah.

-Ah, brilliant.

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-So I thought this was kind of dodgy.

-Yeah, they only have half a dosage.

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And it's a bit more flavourful.

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APPLAUSE

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Taste like strawberries. Like strawberry.

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It's a strawberry flavour, innit?

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Sorry, so Momentum Kids?

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I've got hold of some of their teaching materials here.

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I've got some of their nursery rhymes and songs.

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There Was An Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe...

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Because The Tories Sold All Of The Council Houses.

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Old Macdonald Had An Organic Farm.

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G-M, G-M-Bad.

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If You're Happy And You Know It, Then You're Wrong.

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APPLAUSE

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That's just like all of my politics and my favourite songs, all in one!

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Well, Momentum has set up a child's wing of the Labour Party.

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The Tories have already done that.

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And they call it Eton. Am I right?

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Do you think their kids

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might confuse Corbyn with Father Christmas?

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Because he's got a beard, hasn't he?

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He's promised people lots of presents,

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and adults laugh at you for believing in him.

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-Yes!

-Christmas joke!

-APPLAUSE

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-Christmas!

-Christmas!

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-THEY CHANT:

-Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!

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You have...

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You've not just saved Christmas,

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you've saved the Christmas special. That's what you've done there.

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APPLAUSE

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At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Sara and Elis.

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CHEERING

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Now we play around called Mock Out With Your Cock Out.

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This game...

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involves Elis and Gary.

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So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round's a stand-up challenge.

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I'll launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

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one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.

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OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

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The first subject is Life Stages.

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Who wants to come in on that? Elis.

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I've got a very young kid,

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and one of the things I've noticed about fatherhood

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is that it's turning me into a dad. Right?

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I started doing this thing that, when I'm excited,

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I'm only ever seen usually Welsh, usually very working-class dads do

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when they're excited, and I call it the clap and rub. OK?

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So, if my mum, for instance, said,

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"Oh, I can't be bothered to cook tonight.

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"Why don't we have fish and chips?"

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My dad, because he's excited, will go, "Fish and chips?

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"Fish and chips?!"

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HE PUFFS

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"Phwoar!"

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And I have started doing that now.

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But when I'm doing it, I'm like, "What the hell is going on?!

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"Why am I clapping and rubbing my hands?"

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But it's an amazing thing, the clap and rub, because it's so versatile.

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You can use it to display excitement about anything.

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So you're like, "Oh, I'm going out for a drink with my friend, Dennis."

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HE PUFFS

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"Oh, the enquiry found me not guilty!"

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HE PUFFS

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Another thing with having a baby

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is I think it brought on a midlife crisis.

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One of the first things I did when she was born

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was I joined a boxing club.

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Like a proper, spit-and-sawdust South London boxing club.

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I don't want anyone to be frightened at home,

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cos I'm not a hard bloke.

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Because, at my level, boxing is almost exclusively...

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skipping. Um...

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I am absolutely incredible at skipping now,

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but I don't know how this is going to help me

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in a one-on-one combat situation.

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I'll be walking down some alleyway late at night

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and a bloke will be like, "Oi, give me your phone and your wallet!"

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I'll be like, "Are you mugging me?" "Yeah, I'm mugging you."

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"You mugging me?" "Yeah, I'm mucking you."

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"Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

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"Well, try it."

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much, Elis James!

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OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you've been left with.

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Let's spin the wheel.

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And the topic is Relationships.

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The other day, a woman described me as "a bit of a looker".

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Well, "voyeur" was the actual word that she used.

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I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS,

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but she shat on me from a great height.

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One time, I nearly had a threesome

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with my girlfriend and my best friend.

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And the only thing that stopped it happening

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was they didn't invite me.

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My girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms

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with something special inside to boost her pleasure.

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I said, "Ooh, what's that?"

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She said, "Other men."

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Our fourth child was called Ivy.

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And that's cos we ran out of names and started using Roman numerals.

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My last girlfriend was always trying to put me down,

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which is just one of the hazards of going out with a vet.

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I tried reading a book on premature ejaculation,

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but I couldn't get past the opening passage.

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This Christmas, I'm taking the whole family to Lapland.

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Which is great, cos normally those clubs don't let kids in.

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I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time

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that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.

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My girlfriend and I love watching box sets.

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We got three episodes into Orange Is The New Black

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before finding out it wasn't about

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what would happen if Trump replaced Obama.

0:15:480:15:51

APPLAUSE

0:15:510:15:53

Thank you very much. Well done.

0:15:530:15:54

The points at the end of that round go to Gary Delaney! Come back!

0:15:540:15:58

Our next round is called

0:16:020:16:04

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

0:16:040:16:05

On the board are six categories. Elis, which category would you like?

0:16:050:16:08

-Could I have Home News, please?

-Absolutely.

0:16:080:16:11

Home News it is. The answer is...

0:16:110:16:13

What is the question?

0:16:140:16:15

Is it...

0:16:150:16:17

the amount of times I'll check my phone

0:16:170:16:19

when I'm watching a friend's band?

0:16:190:16:21

Is it, how many times happier is Jennifer Aniston

0:16:230:16:26

than she was this time last week?

0:16:260:16:27

Yeah!

0:16:270:16:29

Playing the long game, Aniston!

0:16:290:16:31

Is it, how many hours tutoring would Rob need to get into grammar school?

0:16:320:16:36

AUDIENCE OOHS

0:16:360:16:38

That's not very nice, is it?

0:16:390:16:41

You'd pass for 11, though. You have the kind of...

0:16:420:16:44

Oh, yeah, I could do grammar school if I wanted, mate.

0:16:440:16:46

But, you know, why knock about learning

0:16:460:16:48

when you can just turn up and do this?

0:16:480:16:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:16:500:16:53

Is it, how many fridge magnets can you put on a fridge

0:16:550:16:58

before it topples over?

0:16:580:16:59

Is it, how money times have I been told it's inappropriate

0:17:010:17:04

to refer to myself as "White Kanye"?

0:17:040:17:06

Apparently it's not on, but I like it as a nickname.

0:17:080:17:11

-I think it's... There are two answers to this, Dara.

-Yes?

0:17:120:17:15

It is, what is Google's annual income before tax? And...

0:17:150:17:21

-what is Google's annual income after tax?

-Yeah.

0:17:210:17:25

APPLAUSE

0:17:250:17:27

Is it the amount of times we've discussed Brexit on the show?

0:17:300:17:33

It was rather a big news story, Rob, to be fair.

0:17:330:17:36

I know, but keep going on about it!

0:17:360:17:38

Can't we just do this and not talk about the news?

0:17:390:17:42

Just for one week, just have a chat?

0:17:440:17:46

And just see how we all are inside? Cos we've got problems!

0:17:480:17:51

I've got stuff going on, mate - I can't be bothered with Europe!

0:17:520:17:56

I can't even sort my own house out!

0:17:560:17:58

The kitchen's falling apart,

0:17:590:18:00

I've got people talking to me about tiles.

0:18:000:18:02

I don't know what tiles I want!

0:18:020:18:04

It's hard work!

0:18:050:18:07

I've got gravel outside me house and every time

0:18:070:18:09

I come in some comes in off me shoes.

0:18:090:18:12

You can't hoover it, you can't sweep it, it's just always there

0:18:120:18:15

and now you're going, "Article 50..."

0:18:150:18:18

I don't give a fuck!

0:18:180:18:19

APPLAUSE

0:18:190:18:21

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

0:18:240:18:26

Do you get like this?

0:18:270:18:29

Why not take Momentum?

0:18:290:18:31

Is it how many virgins watch Robot Wars?

0:18:340:18:36

AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!

0:18:360:18:38

Wow!

0:18:380:18:40

-SARA:

-OK, I know this one.

0:18:400:18:41

Attack him, Carbide.

0:18:430:18:45

The correct answer is,

0:18:470:18:49

how much Monopoly money was I fined for swallowing the tiny silver dog?

0:18:490:18:53

APPLAUSE

0:18:550:18:59

It's actually to do with the nuclear power station at Hinkley Point,

0:18:590:19:03

-isn't it?

-Yes, and what...

0:19:030:19:04

It's how many fingers will the average child have if they're

0:19:040:19:08

born near Hinkley Point?

0:19:080:19:09

It's Somerset, mate, it's going to make very little difference.

0:19:090:19:13

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-A lot of "oohs" tonight.

0:19:130:19:16

-SARA:

-Yeah, they're really oohing.

0:19:160:19:18

This power plant is going to bring

0:19:180:19:19

Somerset into the 20th century, mate, you watch.

0:19:190:19:21

The full answer is how much will it cost to build the new nuclear

0:19:230:19:26

reactor, Hinkley C, in Somerset?

0:19:260:19:29

Absolutely right. Thank you, Hugh Dennis.

0:19:290:19:32

Yes, the correct answer is, how much

0:19:350:19:37

is the nuclear power station Hinkley Point in Somerset expected to cost?

0:19:370:19:42

It's being funded two thirds by the French and one third by the Chinese.

0:19:420:19:45

Imagine the work canteen. "I'll have a sweet-and-sour croissant, please."

0:19:450:19:51

The advantage of a French nuclear reactor is,

0:19:530:19:55

if it starts smoking, it'll still look cool.

0:19:550:19:58

It doesn't make any sense, they're going to lose lots of money

0:19:590:20:02

and it reminds me, it's like deja vu, it's the Millennium Dome,

0:20:020:20:06

except this time it's radioactive, we can't even use it for concerts afterwards.

0:20:060:20:10

-This is terrible.

-I can't wait, I love it.

-What?!

0:20:100:20:13

I love it!

0:20:130:20:15

I love nuclear power, I can't wait to be an X-Men.

0:20:150:20:18

It'll be Colonel Mustard.

0:20:210:20:24

People are tentative because it one third owned by the Chinese,

0:20:290:20:32

they've a strange idea that the Chinese therefore will

0:20:320:20:35

somehow be in control and they might withdraw power.

0:20:350:20:38

It's two thirds owned by the French,

0:20:380:20:40

the French are getting off scot-free.

0:20:400:20:42

We recently insulted the French by voting to move away from them

0:20:420:20:46

and now they're going to build this and after a week it'll be,

0:20:460:20:50

knock knock, "Bonjour, eh, can nous 'ave some electricity?"

0:20:500:20:56

"Non! No electricity pour vous."

0:20:570:21:00

I hope I get the power to make prank phone calls with my mind.

0:21:020:21:05

-In your X-Men, you can choose what you want to be, can you?

-Yes.

0:21:080:21:12

-Can I be White Kanye?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:21:120:21:15

On the news, it was save the species of tortoise from extinction.

0:21:150:21:18

-A tortoise?

-Yes. How did he do it, Hugh?

0:21:180:21:21

-Well, he had sex with the other tortoises.

-Yes!

0:21:210:21:24

In some ways you make the story seem very ordinary.

0:21:240:21:28

-What was the name of the tortoise?

-Diego.

0:21:280:21:30

I don't like this story because it was reported like, Diego,

0:21:300:21:33

single-handedly saved the species of tortoise. Did he?

0:21:330:21:36

Did he lay the eggs, did he sit on them until they hatch?

0:21:360:21:40

Did he feed the children?

0:21:400:21:42

Did he teach them everything that she knew and then try not to

0:21:420:21:44

cry when they asked, "Why don't we have a daddy?"

0:21:440:21:47

Oh, because he's shagging everyone on this island, that's why.

0:21:470:21:50

I don't like him. He's a bad tortoise.

0:21:500:21:53

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you. A bad tortoise.

0:21:530:21:58

It's hypocritical as well.

0:21:580:22:00

He has sex with hundreds and hundreds of tortoises and he's a hero.

0:22:000:22:04

I have sex with one...

0:22:040:22:06

He hasn't saved an entire species,

0:22:090:22:11

he's had sex with lots of tortoises and had 800 kids.

0:22:110:22:14

He's created a ticking time bomb of incest.

0:22:140:22:17

No-one's saying...

0:22:170:22:19

Obviously, the wider the gene pool the stronger it is but it's

0:22:190:22:24

very difficult to tell with a tortoise if they've actually been damaged by...

0:22:240:22:28

You can't go, "I think he's a bit damaged when he's a little slow."

0:22:280:22:32

LAUGHTER

0:22:320:22:34

-What do French scientists claim to have produced this week?

-Sperm.

0:22:340:22:38

This story makes no sense.

0:22:380:22:40

-French scientists said they had made sperm.

-Yes.

0:22:400:22:43

Why would you make such a plentiful resource.

0:22:430:22:45

Just go in any teenager's bedroom.

0:22:450:22:49

But they said they've tried to make sperm in the past and they

0:22:490:22:53

thought it was sperm and then it wasn't sperm.

0:22:530:22:57

The only time anyone's been disappointed to discover

0:22:570:23:00

something isn't sperm.

0:23:000:23:03

This isn't sperm! You promised me sperm!

0:23:030:23:07

Just toothpaste.

0:23:070:23:09

I reckon someone get caught at work doing something naughty and it's

0:23:090:23:12

-the biggest styled it out ever.

-Yeah!

0:23:120:23:14

His boss comes in, "What are you doing?"

0:23:140:23:16

"Ah, I'm just making something."

0:23:160:23:18

"I've been making sperm."

0:23:190:23:20

"For science!"

0:23:220:23:24

"Get out, Mum, I'm doing science!"

0:23:240:23:27

Right, the points go to Sara, Rob and Ellis.

0:23:300:23:33

Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.

0:23:390:23:41

So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.

0:23:410:23:43

I'll read our this week's topics and we'll see what our panels can come

0:23:430:23:46

up with. OK. Here we go. The first subject is...

0:23:460:23:51

Eve took the apple.

0:23:540:23:56

"Bollocks", she said, "it hasn't got a headphone jack."

0:23:560:23:59

And it had all been a dream.

0:24:040:24:07

APPLAUSE

0:24:090:24:11

And in the beginning there was the word and the word was good

0:24:110:24:15

but it wasn't compatible with Macs.

0:24:150:24:17

And after the Last Supper came the last argument about who had

0:24:200:24:24

a starter.

0:24:240:24:25

I should have known it would be you with a name like bloody Judas.

0:24:290:24:33

So it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and Noah said,

0:24:360:24:40

"Next year we holiday abroad."

0:24:400:24:43

APPLAUSE

0:24:450:24:47

"I have five loaves and two fishes," he said.

0:24:490:24:52

"Who wants cod in breadcrumbs?"

0:24:520:24:54

Jesus handed out cans of Dr Pepper and said,

0:24:580:25:02

"Drink this in remembrance of me.

0:25:020:25:05

"That's right, my full name is Dr Jesus Pepper."

0:25:050:25:08

People who enjoyed this book also enjoyed the Koran and the Torah.

0:25:130:25:17

APPLAUSE

0:25:190:25:21

There was stress in the Garden of Eden.

0:25:210:25:24

Adam wanted to leave but Eve had voted remain.

0:25:240:25:27

This book has been rated 18 due to graphic violence,

0:25:310:25:34

moderate threat and homophobia.

0:25:340:25:36

God is love, the devil is 40.

0:25:410:25:43

Match point.

0:25:430:25:44

And most importantly of all, thou shalt not board the train

0:25:490:25:52

until other people have alighted the train.

0:25:520:25:55

APPLAUSE

0:25:550:25:59

When Jesus saw the tables outside of the church, he went mental

0:25:590:26:04

and started smashing everything up because he hated fetes and had

0:26:040:26:07

lost all his money on the guess the weight of the cake competition.

0:26:070:26:11

There is but one commandment greater than these,

0:26:120:26:15

secure the talent before you buy the Bake Off.

0:26:150:26:18

APPLAUSE

0:26:200:26:24

Though shalt not steal, unless from the self-service checkout.

0:26:240:26:27

You all do it.

0:26:290:26:31

Birthday cards, no weight, is there?

0:26:310:26:33

APPLAUSE

0:26:330:26:37

No, actually, my nan couldn't have done that because she's a virgin.

0:26:380:26:41

The animals came in two by two,

0:26:440:26:46

for 'twas Orange Wednesday.

0:26:460:26:49

APPLAUSE

0:26:500:26:52

OK. The next topic is...

0:26:520:26:55

Lines you wouldn't hear in a James Bond film.

0:26:550:26:58

Sorry, mate, this is Spoons we don't do Martini,

0:27:000:27:03

do you want a jug of Woo Woo?

0:27:030:27:04

We've invented you a new phone, Bond.

0:27:090:27:11

It's exactly the same as the old phone but you need to buy

0:27:110:27:14

a new charger.

0:27:140:27:15

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:150:27:18

We've got the latest news on Thunderball, 007.

0:27:180:27:22

No-one won last week and it's the rollover.

0:27:220:27:25

Ah, Mr Bond.

0:27:280:27:30

Welcome to this mandatory course on sexual harassment in the workplace.

0:27:300:27:35

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

0:27:350:27:38

Hi, the name's Bond.

0:27:400:27:42

It's not actually double O 7,

0:27:420:27:44

they're zeros otherwise I would be called -

0:27:440:27:47

"Ooooh, seven!"

0:27:470:27:49

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-Mr Bond, I'm very flattered by your advances but

0:27:520:27:56

you are complete stranger.

0:27:560:27:58

You work for my enemy and I am menstruating very heavily.

0:27:580:28:03

Bond, meet your children,

0:28:060:28:09

005, 003 and double O 18 months.

0:28:090:28:11

You want my full name, of course. It's Bond.

0:28:150:28:18

James Skipton Building Society Fixed-rate One-year Bond.

0:28:180:28:24

APPLAUSE

0:28:260:28:28

This is another gadget, Bond, it's a way of distracting your

0:28:310:28:34

opponent, some light-up trainers for no reason.

0:28:340:28:37

APPLAUSE

0:28:390:28:42

-ACCENTED:

-Mr Bond, I have one question for you.

0:28:440:28:48

Does this testicle look swollen?

0:28:480:28:51

So, Mr Bond, welcome back. How was Russia? How do you feel?

0:28:560:29:01

D'you know what? Rested.

0:29:010:29:03

Mr Bond, we just want to check that you understand how to use the

0:29:070:29:11

new equipment. You know you can swipe left, don't you?

0:29:110:29:14

Blofeld, no, I've never even met Feld.

0:29:180:29:23

APPLAUSE

0:29:250:29:27

This is the easiest fight on top of a train I've ever had.

0:29:270:29:31

Thank you, Southern Rail.

0:29:310:29:34

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

0:29:340:29:38

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I've got a girlfriend, no thank you.

0:29:380:29:42

APPLAUSE

0:29:450:29:47

At the end of that, the points go to James, Hugh and Gary.

0:29:470:29:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:520:29:55

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Elis James, Sara Pascoe and Rob Becket.

0:29:550:29:59

CHEERING

0:29:590:30:03

Commiserations to James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

0:30:030:30:07

CHEERING

0:30:070:30:10

Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

0:30:100:30:13

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