Mammy's Forest Mrs Brown's Boys


Mammy's Forest

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

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SHE CACKLES

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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# She's Mrs Brown

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# That's Mrs Brown

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# Our Mrs Brown. #

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How long have you had this headache?

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20 years!

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And he's not just a headache, he's a pain in the arse!

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Mrs Brown, I was asking Grandad!

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A bit of privacy, please?

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Fine.

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Look straight into the light, Grandad.

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Go to the light, Grandad!

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Go to the light!

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Meh!

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Mrs Brown!

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How's it going with the homework, Bono?

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Erm, yeah, it's OK.

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Well, don't be afraid to ask if you need any help

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Grandad... Oh!

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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How's it going with the homework, Mary?

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LAUGHTER

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Erm, yeah, it's OK.

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Well, don't be afraid to ask if you need help.

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Granny, what's Einstein's theory of relativity?

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Don't be afraid to ask if you need help.

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Bathroom break!

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Fresh tea break!

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# Stuff the turkey's arse with holly

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# La, la, la, la, la, la-la, la, la... #

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Hello!

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Well, I hope you're enjoying the Christmas season.

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I am!

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And it's forecast for snow this week,

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so that'll bring in the Christmassy feeling!

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# We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! #

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There's the Bluebell Girls' Choir!

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Hello, boys!

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Hiya, Ma! Oh, it's freezing out.

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I know, love. Want a cup of tea?

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No, we just had coffee.

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We're in the middle of decorating the salon

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and Rory thought you might have

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an old Christmas tree that you're not using?

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Nope.

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My trees don't make it past Christmas.

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Ah, pity!

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Here, Dino, show Mammy your balls!

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They're huge, Mammy!

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What?!

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The Christmas balls you bought.

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Baubles, Rory. They're called baubles.

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Whatever. Show Mammy.

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Aren't they lovely?!

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I don't know why, but I expected them to be ginger!

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May I ask where you got these?

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Oh, we bought them off a street seller - cheap as chips!

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Well, I'm not surprised. I think these are feckin' illegal.

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Would you stop it, Mammy?! They're not drugs.

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No, but they're a fire hazard, Rory.

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Rory, seriously, be careful.

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They're grand.

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For two euro, what do you expect - gold plated?

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Right, Dino, grab your balls and let's go.

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Baubles!

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Baubles, Rory!

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Fine, baubles.

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We've got to go and buy a Christmas tree, Mammy.

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-Do you want me to pick you up one?

-No, thank you.

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See ya!

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Well, there's a lesson for you at home -

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a safe Christmas is a happy Christmas.

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Hmm.

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No paper decorations.

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I can just see Dino's balls melting in front of my eyes.

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SHE CACKLES Yeah!

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Hello, Mrs Brown.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, Buster.

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-Dermot said I had to meet him here.

-Well, he's not here.

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He was here earlier on his way to meet the pet shop people.

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He said he'd be back later.

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That's all right, I'll just wait.

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Oh, wonderful(!)

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Good morning, Dr Flynn.

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-Ah, good morning, Cathy.

-Morning, Grandad.

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Meh.

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How is he, Dr Flynn?

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I'm not sure.

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Good morning, love.

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Hiya, Mammy. Hiya, Buster.

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Hel-lo, Cathy.

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I dreamt about you again last night.

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BOTH: Shut up, Buster!

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It's going to be a cold one out there today.

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You'll definitely need your muff today!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And I've a shop to do. Do you know, I don't think I'll bother.

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You should do your shopping online.

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They'll deliver it and you won't have to leave the house.

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Online? Interesting.

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Oh, before I forget, Mrs Brown,

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I'm after gettin' you a fantastic Christmas tree this year...

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Hold it just there, Buster.

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Not this year, thank you.

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You're not going to buy your tree off me this year?

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No. Not off you or off anybody else.

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I've decided, I'm not having a Christmas tree this year.

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But we always have a Christmas tree, Mammy!

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And it always buckin' attacks ME!

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That's the best part of our Christmas!

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Is it now?!

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You need a Christmas tree, or it's not Christmas.

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Buster, Christmas is about family,

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not about Christmas trees or decorations - just family.

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So you don't want a present then?

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Of course I do, that's why you have a buckin' family!

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Tea!

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We should put a bulb in his mouth and light HIM up!

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Anyway, Christmas is not the same with yous all grown up.

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I loved Christmas morning.

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God, I remember the excitement of coming down the stairs

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to see if Santa left me what I asked for.

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I remember I used to run downstairs

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and my daddy would scoop me up and throw me in the air.

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SHE LAUGHS Pity he didn't buckin' catch you.

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I never got what I asked Santa for.

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One year I asked him for a yo-yo.

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And when I came downstairs, he'd left a piece of string.

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My dad said it was a yo.

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There's a picture I won't get out of me head.

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Buster playing with his yo-yo.

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What are you doing, Bono?

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-Homework.

-Do you want some help?

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He's in fifth class, Buster,

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might be a bit advanced for you.

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Don't mind her, Bono.

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At school my teacher said I was really special.

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Come on, try me.

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Name some animals that are in the zoo.

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Elephants.

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And what do they get for lunch?

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A half an hour - next.

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Science.

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If someone calls your name in a vacuum, would you hear it?

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No - you can't hear anything with that Hoover on.

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English. What is the opposite to sadness?

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Happiness.

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Busy?

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Lazy.

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Woe?

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Giddy up.

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Don't just look at it, drink the feckin' thing.

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-So how is he?

-He's not great.

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Not great? He never was average!

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Mrs Brown, what if Grandad was at death's door?

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I'd say, "Open them!" and push him buckin' through!

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SHE CACKLES

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Hiya, Mammy!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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My God, there's a big pussy!

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Dermot you look funny!

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And so will you. Your costume's in that bag.

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What's in the box?

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Envelopes with flyers for Jack Rabbit pet shop.

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20,000 of them in the car.

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You got the contract?

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-Not exactly. It's a week's trial.

-Oh!

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Our envelopes have one of these in it...

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Cat!

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Cat.

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But, he's given another company envelopes with these in it -

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Dog.

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Dog.

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He says he'll know by the most flyers

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he gets back to the shop who's doing the best job.

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No bother...

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Who's the other company?

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Street Smart Advertising.

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Oh, Dermot, they're big!

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Bigger than us. So I don't know if we should bother.

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Of course you will!

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Your father always used to say, you go after what you want,

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regardless, even if you have to beg.

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Mind you, that was about sex!

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Your mammy's right, Dermot.

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They might be bigger but we've got smarter ideas.

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You have a smart idea, Buster?

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No.

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Come on, Buster, let's get started.

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Mammy, I'll drop in during the week

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and help you put your Christmas tree up.

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She's not having a tree this year.

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-You're kidding.

-Hello, Betty.

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Hiya, boys. Come on, Bono, let's go.

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Daddy's out in the car.

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You can't be serious, Mammy!

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What's up?

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Mammy's not having a tree.

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-Of course she is.

-I'm not!

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She's not. Look, she just said!

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"I'm not!"

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She is.

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I'm not, and that's the end of it.

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I don't want to hear any more about it.

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Now, go on, off. Out with you, the whole lot of you.

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See you, Granny.

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See you, love. I love you.

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I love you more.

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I love you the most.

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I love you to the moon and back!

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These will ease the headaches but I want to get him in for a brain scan.

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Good luck finding anything there!

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It'll be just in and out.

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That's what they all say.

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Nxt thing you know you're pregnant.

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Right, we'll make an appointment for him for the new year.

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Now. This week.

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What's the hurry?

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This is really serious?

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I'll make a call and get him in ASAP.

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Oh, dear...

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Don't you be upset.

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I'm not upset, it's just, if he dies before Christmas...

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I think I've ordered too big a turkey.

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Agnes?

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What?

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You know on Christmas Day, after the dinner...?

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Yes...

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Did you ever have a quickie?

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As opposed to what - a longy?

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-Thanks, love.

-Thanks, Pet.

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How's it going on the boyfriend front, Cathy?

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Don't ask! SHE CACKLES

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Sorry!

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Sharon's the same. Will she ever lose her virginity?

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Will Jacko get out for Christmas, Winnie?

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The doctor said there's a really good chance.

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It would be great if he got out.

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Even if it was just for a quickie.

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Sharon, do you mind if I announce the table quiz?

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Work away, Father.

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Excuse me. Excuse me, everybody!

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CHATTER CONTINUES

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Sharon?

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QUIET!

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Thank you, Sharon.

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I just want to remind you all about the table quiz here tomorrow night,

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in order to raise funds

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for the Nativi-did-ity display at the church.

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The Nativity-divity?!

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LAUGHTER

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Nat-tivity-diddity?!

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Nativity-diddity!

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One line - who thought you could fuck it up?!

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OK!

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Sharon, would you mind keeping an eye?

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I'm just going to the toilet, love.

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Oh, look, two big cats.

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SHE CACKLES

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Are you allergic to cats, Agnes?

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Jeez, I don't know, Winnie,

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I've never eaten one.

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They're cocky.

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Here, give us the keys to the van.

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I left me phone in there.

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DOG GROWLS

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Baaaa!

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-Gunther.

-Dermot.

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This contract's too big for you.

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Why don't you leave it to the BIG dogs?

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RUFF!

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Rory Brown?

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Over here, Barbara!

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Wash & Blow - it's on fire!

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-Aagh!

-Go! Go! Go! Go!

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No. We were very lucky.

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Nobody was hurt and the insurance will cover the damage.

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A few days, we'll be back in business.

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So, you want to look like this?

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Cathy, your no-no is in the downstairs toilet!

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Hello! Welcome to Chez Agnes. SHE LAUGHS

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Can I just say that the downstairs toilet is for number ones only?

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Take your number twos home with you, all right?

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Is everybody all right?

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-Yes!

-Perfect!

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Hm. Lovely! Don't forget to tip your stylist.

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She's awful!

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But seriously, don't forget.

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So, Winnie, where were we?

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A tropical hideaway.

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That's a place nobody can find and it rains all day.

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Hmm, you're right.

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Well, what about this - historic accommodation?

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No bath and the toilet's out in the yard.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

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Thanks, Cathy!

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Andalucia - what about a skiing holiday?

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Would you feck off, Winnie!

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Why would I pay money for that when I can stick me head

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in the fridge and throw meself on the ground?

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It'd be nice, though. You know,

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sitting by the fire with the snow outside.

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It's forecast for snow here next week,

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you don't have to go to your Auntie Lucia!

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AUDIENCE WOLF-WHISTLES

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Hello, Father Damien.

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Cup of tea?

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No, thanks, Mrs Brown. I'm just here to pick up Trevor.

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Cathy, tell Trevor, will you,

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that Father Cock... Father Damien is here.

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So, where are you off to?

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The cinema.

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Very nice.

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Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

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Hello, Father.

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Checking out the holiday brochures?

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Yeah, we do this at this time every year, don't we, Agnes?

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Yes, we do.

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You should take a trip to Lourdes - the place of miracles.

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Is... Is that where you were circumcised?

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Is it free accommodation and free flights?

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-No.

-Yeah, then there's no buckin' miracle!

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-Hey!

-Hiya!

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Are you all right?

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Uh, yeah. We're going to the cinema?

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Yeah?

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Oh, this! I'm just back from a tennis game.

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I'll stop at the house and change on the way.

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Oh, thank God! I thought nobody was going to say anything.

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About what?

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What are you doing, Agnes?

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I'm shopping online.

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Oh.

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Winnie, get me purse off the counter, will you?

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LAUGHING: There it is!

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Ah, who's that for?

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Never you mind!

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Now, delivery address...

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Take out me credit card. Expiry date?

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What's the expiry date on the card?

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08-19.

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What's the name on the card?

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V-I-S-A.

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I'm just saying, Father,

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I think Joseph was very kind.

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I could just imagine what my Jacko would have said

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if I came home and said I was pregnant

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but it wasn't you, it was the Holy Ghost.

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He'd probably say, "Well, there's one job off me list!"

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Job off me...!

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Yeah...

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Well, I tell you now, Father, if I was the Virgin Mary

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and the Holy Ghost appeared to me,

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I'd have said, "Listen here, Casper...

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"I don't care who your father is. Put that away. No, thank you."

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Right, Damien, let's hit the bar.

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Another round, Agnes, love?

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No, Winnie. I'll go home.

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Ah, Agnes, what about the quiz?

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I'm not in the humour.

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I'll have to do it on me own, so.

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Yeah, well, I'll ring Mensa and tell 'em to expect a new member.

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-LAUGHING:

-Mensa!

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You wouldn't get me in a spaceship!

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CHILDREN CHATTER AND LAUGH

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Nothing nicer than hearing children playing in the snow.

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It's cold, but.

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I hate the cold.

0:18:400:18:42

I like the snow but I hate the feckin' cold.

0:18:420:18:44

SHE CHUCKLES: Ah, look at them.

0:18:450:18:47

Hello!

0:18:480:18:50

Oh!

0:18:500:18:51

Go on, you little devil!

0:18:530:18:54

You bastards!

0:18:570:18:58

CLANK

0:18:580:19:00

You know, I've been saying all week,

0:19:120:19:14

there seems to be something missing this Christmas.

0:19:140:19:17

And, no, it's not the Christmas tree.

0:19:170:19:19

I mightn't have a Christmas tree but at least I know I'm safe.

0:19:190:19:22

SHE CACKLES

0:19:220:19:24

No.

0:19:240:19:25

Spirit - that's what's missing, the Christmas spirit. Yes.

0:19:250:19:29

Yeah...

0:19:290:19:31

I should have had a Christmas tree.

0:19:340:19:36

Well? What did you think of your surprise?

0:19:390:19:42

What surprise?

0:19:430:19:45

Ah, Agnes, you didn't even read the card!

0:19:450:19:47

Who's this from?

0:19:490:19:51

"You said it's not Christmas without a family

0:19:520:19:55

"and I say it's not Christmas without a Christmas tree,

0:19:550:19:58

"so here's the best of both worlds -

0:19:580:20:01

"a family of Christmas trees."

0:20:010:20:03

-"Merry Christmas from Buster."

-Yeah.

0:20:040:20:06

What's that feckin' eejit talking about?

0:20:080:20:10

In the sitting room, Agnes!

0:20:120:20:13

It's-it's magical, it's...

0:20:280:20:30

It's just magical!

0:20:300:20:32

Oh, look!

0:20:320:20:33

Agnes, look at the size of this little one.

0:20:330:20:36

Look at the size of this big one!

0:20:360:20:37

Oh...

0:20:400:20:42

Oh, no!

0:20:420:20:44

Winnie, don't push the feckin'...

0:20:450:20:48

Agh!

0:20:480:20:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:490:20:52

HE LAUGHS

0:20:560:20:58

Well, well, well.

0:21:080:21:09

What?

0:21:090:21:11

That's the first time I've heard you laughing this Christmas.

0:21:110:21:14

I can laugh if I want to.

0:21:140:21:15

Oh, yes, you can.

0:21:150:21:16

But I haven't heard you laugh

0:21:180:21:21

since Dr Flynn's visit.

0:21:210:21:22

Is it these tests that Dr Flynn is doing?

0:21:240:21:26

For God's sake, Grandad, they're only tests.

0:21:280:21:31

Come on, get that puss off you and take it like a man.

0:21:310:21:35

That's the thing -

0:21:350:21:37

"Take it like a man."

0:21:370:21:39

I'm scared.

0:21:390:21:41

Well, of course you're scared.

0:21:420:21:44

You can't have courage unless you're afraid.

0:21:460:21:49

And you have courage.

0:21:490:21:50

I've seen it down the years.

0:21:500:21:52

Remember when we were at the beach?

0:21:530:21:55

Cathy was only a young one

0:21:550:21:56

and she went into the sea and she's swimming

0:21:560:21:58

and she got caught in the current.

0:21:580:22:00

Who was it that dived in, even though you're afraid of the sea

0:22:000:22:04

and fought against the currents to bring her out safe?

0:22:040:22:07

Me.

0:22:070:22:09

Yes, you.

0:22:090:22:10

And when the burglars broke into the house,

0:22:100:22:12

and I heard them downstairs and I called out, what did you do?

0:22:120:22:15

I locked me bedroom door.

0:22:150:22:17

That's right, you chicken bastard!

0:22:210:22:24

Look, Grandad,

0:22:260:22:29

the only thing that conquers fear is courage,

0:22:290:22:32

and the foundation of that courage is love,

0:22:320:22:35

and for the life of me, I don't know why,

0:22:350:22:37

but in this house you are loved.

0:22:370:22:40

Now, come on, go and get the test done

0:22:410:22:44

and then come back to those who love you.

0:22:440:22:47

I'll make sure they're both here.

0:22:470:22:49

Bastard.

0:23:000:23:02

Bitch!

0:23:030:23:04

That's better.

0:23:060:23:07

I thought you were doing the quiz in Foley's.

0:23:090:23:11

I wasn't in the humour.

0:23:110:23:13

SHE CHUCKLES

0:23:140:23:15

I tell you what, I'll go if you go.

0:23:150:23:17

All right!

0:23:180:23:19

Come on, let's go. SHE CACKLES

0:23:190:23:22

Oh, now mind yourself here. It's like Nottingham Forest here.

0:23:220:23:25

Whoa! Whoa! This could be a buckin' long episode.

0:23:270:23:30

And the answer to question five -

0:23:330:23:35

the town that Jesus of Nazareth came from was...Nazareth!

0:23:350:23:39

I know, I should have got that one.

0:23:410:23:44

Right, let's look at the scoreboard.

0:23:450:23:47

Well, going into the last round,

0:23:470:23:49

it's a tie for first place between the Masterminds and...

0:23:490:23:53

The Free Finglas Army!

0:23:530:23:55

Here we go with the final round...

0:23:570:23:59

DRAMATIC QUIZ SHOW MUSIC

0:23:590:24:01

Question One - what was Hitler's first name?

0:24:030:24:06

Heil. Heil Hitler.

0:24:100:24:11

Dermot, come back here with me, I want to show you something.

0:24:150:24:18

Mr Foley, I'm in the quiz!

0:24:180:24:20

It's important, son.

0:24:200:24:21

-Next question...

-Go, you're useless anyway.

0:24:210:24:24

..what is the capital of Peru?

0:24:240:24:25

What was the question?

0:24:250:24:27

The capital of Peru?

0:24:270:24:29

-Lima!

-Bang on!

0:24:300:24:32

Write it down.

0:24:320:24:33

Question three - who invented the thermometer?

0:24:330:24:36

I have it - Fahrenheit.

0:24:360:24:38

Would that be Fahrenheit?

0:24:410:24:42

Don't be so feckin' stupid!

0:24:420:24:45

No, the thermometer -

0:24:450:24:46

Freddie Mercury.

0:24:460:24:48

I saw Buster putting those in the skip

0:24:510:24:52

out the back earlier today - ten boxes of them.

0:24:520:24:55

He was supposed to deliver these.

0:24:550:24:58

We're done, we'll lose!

0:24:580:25:00

I'm sorry, Dermot.

0:25:000:25:01

Answers later, but the winners are...

0:25:030:25:05

-the Masterminds!

-THEY CHEER

0:25:050:25:07

Feck sake, Grandad!

0:25:070:25:08

Capital of Peru - Calcutta!

0:25:080:25:11

That's in feckin' Wales!

0:25:120:25:14

Drink, Dermo?

0:25:160:25:18

Sure.

0:25:180:25:19

After you explain how these ended up in Foley's skip.

0:25:190:25:21

Ah, erm...

0:25:230:25:25

Forget it, Buster, it's too late.

0:25:310:25:33

Hello, Mr Rabbit.

0:25:350:25:37

Well, Dermot...

0:25:370:25:39

..congratulations!

0:25:410:25:43

You get the contract.

0:25:430:25:44

For a full year and we'll review it then.

0:25:440:25:47

Eh, yeah, great!

0:25:470:25:50

But what about...?

0:25:500:25:51

Useless!

0:25:540:25:56

They didn't drum up one bit of business.

0:25:560:25:59

Lousy, flea-bitten wasters!

0:26:000:26:02

Dog!

0:26:080:26:09

But that's their flyer.

0:26:090:26:10

You broke into their van and switched the boxes!

0:26:140:26:18

So THEY delivered OUR flyers!

0:26:180:26:19

Meow.

0:26:210:26:22

Winnie, you were useless,

0:26:270:26:28

you didn't answer one feckin' question!

0:26:280:26:31

I didn't want to interrupt you.

0:26:310:26:33

If Cathy slags us, I'll give her a piece of my mind.

0:26:340:26:37

Can you spare it?

0:26:370:26:38

Sharon, same again.

0:26:430:26:44

Hard luck, Mrs Brown.

0:26:440:26:46

Yeah.

0:26:460:26:47

Did you get the surprise I left you?

0:26:470:26:49

Oh, yes, I did - right between the buckin' shoulder blades.

0:26:490:26:52

Still, it was very kind of you.

0:26:540:26:57

Eh, not really - you owe me 140 euro.

0:26:570:26:59

I thought so, I'll pay you tomorrow.

0:27:020:27:04

Oh, here - here's something I seen on the interweb. Here.

0:27:040:27:09

Come on, everybody -

0:27:110:27:12

let's get this Christmas party started, for Grandad!

0:27:120:27:15

CHEERING

0:27:150:27:17

It just might be his last!

0:27:170:27:19

Sharon, is the karaoke working?

0:27:210:27:23

Yes.

0:27:230:27:24

Come on, girls, let's do this!

0:27:250:27:27

THEY GIGGLE

0:27:290:27:31

What did me ma get you?

0:27:310:27:33

Ah, she could have got you something better than that.

0:27:380:27:41

No, she couldn't, Dermot.

0:27:430:27:44

No, she couldn't.

0:27:440:27:46

MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade

0:27:490:27:53

# So here it is, merry Christmas

0:28:440:28:49

# Everybody's having fun

0:28:490:28:53

# Look to the future now

0:28:530:28:57

# It's only just begun

0:28:570:29:04

# So here it is, merry Christmas

0:29:040:29:08

# Everybody's having fun

0:29:080:29:12

# Look to the future now

0:29:120:29:16

# It's only just begun... #

0:29:160:29:24

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:240:29:27

From all of us to all of you - a very merry Christmas!

0:29:320:29:36

It's Christmaaaas! SHE CACKLES

0:29:360:29:40

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