Chez Mammy Mrs Brown's Boys


Chez Mammy

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

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SHE CACKLES

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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# She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown

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# Our Mrs Brown. #

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I wonder who Mammy does be talking to here in the mornings?

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Is she doing a Shirley Valentine?

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Hello, wall. Hello, mug...

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello, doorbell...

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Doorbell!

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Can I help you?

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-Is this the home of Mrs Agnes Brown?

-Yes, it is. Why?

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Come along, Missus.

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Good God, Mammy, what's wrong? Come in!

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We found her wandering around town in the cold.

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She said she could remember her address but couldn't remember how to get here.

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She seemed very confused, so we thought it best to bring her here.

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Thank you, Guard.

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-Come on Mammy, let's get you out of that coat.

-I'm fine.

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Can you just leave them in the kitchen?

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-Maybe you should lie down?

-I'm fine, Dermot.

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LAUGHTER

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Wrong house!

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-Thanks again, Guard.

-No problem.

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By the way - Buster Brady called.

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Hello! Oh, God, it's cold out there!

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By the way, don't mind me. I'm fine.

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Just it was freezing cold and snowing and I couldn't get a taxi

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and I'm fucked if I'm carrying all that shopping home on my own!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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PHONE RINGS

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Leave it! Step away from the phone!

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Hello?

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Oui. Bonjour, Gaston!

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-SHE GIGGLES

-Tres bien...

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Oh, merci!

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"Ooh, merci!"

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Pardon, mon amour...

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I'll take this upstairs, thank you!

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Eddie bee-dee, bom-bom, bom-bom!

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What's that all about, do you think?

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-Hiya, Mammy!

-Hello, Rory!

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I just slipped out for a quick cuppa... Get a bit of peace.

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-Peace from what?

-Dino. He's doing me head in - about the insurance claim.

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What about it?

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There's paperwork to be done and he's just keeps going on and

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on and on...

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I swear sometimes he's like a whingeing little girl.

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Am I?

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Am I a whingeing little girl?

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I see!

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HE WAILS

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-APPLAUSE

-Dino...

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Hello, Betty... Hello, Mark!

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Is this the rest of the stairlift?

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That's the rest of it.

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Grandad coming home from hospital.

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I don't want him clomping up and down the stairs - you know,

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-after surgery.

-No.

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Cup of tea, Betty?

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SHE MAKES POPPING NOISES One, two, one, two.

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-SHOUTING: TEA, BETTY?

-What? Oh, yeah, thanks.

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Yeah, all seems straightforward.

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I'll fit it tomorrow, shouldn't take more than an hour or two.

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Good man. WHISPERS: What's wrong with her?

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School thing... Bono.

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-Bono? At school? What - what is it?

-Nothing... she gets too involved...

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I can hear youse, I'm sitting right here!

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It was him - it was him!

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Right, Betty, let's go.

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No, you go on ahead. I'm meeting Maria here.

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-We're going into town.

-See you later!

-See ya.

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-See you, Ma.

-I'll see you, love.

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So, what's this about Bono?

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Mrs Brown, what do you know about bullying at school?

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Bullying? Well... I was very good at it.

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-What?

-I'm only joking!

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I was just trying to lighten the mood...

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SHE CACKLES Not fuckin' easy!

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-Joking about what?

-Nothing.

-Tell us what's going on.

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I think Bono's getting bullied at school.

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-You think?

-He's not saying...but...

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You know, I read that kids who are being bullied do that.

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Well, they don't tell their parents they're being bullied because they don't want their parents

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to interfere in case it gets worse. You could be right.

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Well, he mightn't tell you, but he'll tell me.

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Why don't you let me pick him up from school today?

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-I'll have a chat with him.

-Oh, would you?

-Yes!

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-Great, more time to spend in town.

-Ah, I feel better now!

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Good.

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Oh, and wait till I tell you what Dermot wants us to do...

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-The Flintstones - it's going to be great fun!

-What?!

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-Come on, I'll explain on the way.

-Well, what, well, tell me! What?

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Oh, and one more thing, Mrs Brown.

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-My mother - she's on the school board.

-Yeah...

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She's...um...what's the word?

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Bitch?

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-She's the secretary.

-Oh, right.

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Anyway, if Bono names a boy - don't get involved with them, OK?

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Of course not.

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Just give the name to me and I'll pass it on to her.

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Mummy will sort it out!

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Thank you, Maria.

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"Mummy will sort it out!"

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I don't need Higglary or anybody else!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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AGNES!

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Agnes, are you here?

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Ah, she must be out.

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-Are you Betty?

-Yeah, I am.

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-Well, I'm Billy Curtain's mother.

-Whose mother?

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Billy Curtain... He's in your son Bono's class.

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Right. So?

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Don't you EVER threaten my son again!

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What are you talking about?

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Billy told me...when you picked Bono up from school today,

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you called him a bully, and threatened him...

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Today?

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-Well, is he?

-What?

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-Is your son a bully?

-How dare you!

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Ladies, this is not the place...

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-Did you just touch my breast?

-OK, I'm out!

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You have not heard the last of this, Betty Brown.

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-I am going to the school board.

-Bring it on!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, Mrs Brown.

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She's alleging that you threatened to stab young Billy.

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-That is a lie.

-What DID you say to him?

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I said, "I have skills..."

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"Don't close your eyes when you sleep tonight...

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"or I'll stick you like a pig."

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-WHAT?!

-I'm joking.

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I told him not to bully Bono or anybody else in school.

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I said it's not good and I told him

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he'd make more friends if he was nicer...

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or I'd stick him like a pig.

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For God's sake! What are we going to do now, Father?

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I think we need to get Betty and Mrs Curtain together

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and then try talk this out...

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I could speak to Mother,

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she's on the school board and she knows Mrs Curtain.

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MIMICS MARIA: "I could speak to Mother!"

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I've an idea.

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Why don't we get her up here for tea and that way her and

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Betty can talk things through?

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That's not a bad idea and it keeps it away from the school and it would be very informal.

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And maybe it would break the ice if we start the night by you apologising, Mrs Brown.

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Right then, I'll speak to the school and tell them I'm handling it.

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I'll ask Mother to speak to Mrs Curtain.

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Right, that's that, then.

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Mark, are you done there?

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Just about, I'll follow you out to the car.

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-Ah! Very nice. So when's Grandad home?

-Tomorrow.

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Lovely. Right, God bless, Mrs Brown.

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Yeah, God bless you, Father. Go easy on those skates!

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Right, Ma.

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It's fairly simple, the up arrow for up, the down arrow for down.

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Thanks son, thank you very much.

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I don't think Betty's too pleased with me.

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Do you blame her? Why didn't you just leave things alone?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww...

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SHE SNIGGERS

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"Man with five willies says his underpants fit him like a glove."

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LAUGHTER

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Morning, Mammy.

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Buongiorno, Catalina!

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That's Italian. He's French!

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Well, how do you say in French, "that's nice"?

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I'm not sure, Mammy, but I know how to say

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"Mind your own business" - two words and the second one is "off".

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ouvrez la porte!

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You mind your own porte!

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It means "open the door" in French.

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Well, if he gets his key in the lock, you make sure you have your safety chain on!

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Johnny keeps you safe! LAUGHTER AND LIGHT APPLAUSE

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Ah, welcome home, Grandad.

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Mammy, it's Grandad!

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Hello, Grandad, welcome home!

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Come on, let's get you into your favourite chair.

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Actually, Mrs Brown,

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I think straight to bed would be the best thing...

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Oh, come on - just as well we got the stairlift.

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You're going to love this, Grandad, come on.

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I'll bring you up a cuppa, Grandad. Tea, Doctor?

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-Oh, I wouldn't mind a quick one.

-If it's a quick one you want,

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you're going to have to get a Frenchman's arse out of the way!

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What?

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Don't mind her. Thanks for bringing him home, Dr Flynn.

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Ah, it's no problem, Cathy. I'm just glad it wasn't anything serious.

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He looks well, Doctor.

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Ah, he's still in a lot of pain, but this might help.

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Bring ID when you're getting that.

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Why would I need ID for a prescription?

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-It's marijuana!

-The gangee?

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Medical marijuana. Most of my patients find it very good.

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He's Grandad Brown, not Bob Marley!

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-He doesn't even smoke!

-He doesn't have to smoke it.

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I mean, you can try him with a smoke but if that doesn't work, just

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stir it into some yoghurt, or bake it into cup cakes...

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Well, I bow to your superior knowledge of narcotics!

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-Right, I'm off.

-Thank you, Doctor.

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Mammy, I'll pick that up in town for Grandad later.

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Ah-ha, are you going in to meet Crouton?

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It's Gaston! And no.

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-When are we going to meet him?

-Let me think...

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Eh...NEVER!

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-I'm going - that cuppa's there for Grandad.

-All right.

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-Ah, hiya, Winnie.

-How are you, Cathy?

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-I just saw Dr Flynn pulling away...

-You should report that.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I see Grandad's home, then?

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Yes, he looks well, but he's in a lot of pain.

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Oh, I know what that's like. My Jacko had a bad back for years!

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I think the only thing wrong with your Jacko's back was if

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somebody mentioned work, he couldn't get it off the bucking bed.

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Ah, Grandad, have you gone up and come back down again?

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-No.

-Are you stuck?

-No, it's just moving so feckin' slow!

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There has to be some way of speeding it up...

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Don't touch it!

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All right, all right, all right!

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I'll get Mark to look at it tomorrow.

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He can't go up at that speed.

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At that rate he'd be only up and it'd be down again.

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Just like my Jacko...

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And then he falls asleep.

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He was never like that with me! LAUGHTER

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I can't get Grandad to take this stuff.

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I tried putting into yoghurt.

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No, he says he hates yoghurt so I'm going to try and do this -

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bake it into chocolate brownies.

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Add a soupcon? What the hell is a soupcon?

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Ah, that's close enough!

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LAUGHTER

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I even tried putting it into his tea.

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No, it just sank to the bottom of the mug.

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So this is my last resort. Chocolate brownies.

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Ah well, we'll see!

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I even have Buster rolling it into cigarettes but it's

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a waste of time - Grandad won't smoke them.

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Still, I'm prepared to try anything. Any luck, Dermot?

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I don't know, Ma.

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I'm after tweaking a few switches and stuff,

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-but I think I'm better getting Mark to have a look at it.

-Hmm.

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-How many of these do you want, Mrs Brown?

-Just one or two, Buster,

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I don't think he's going to smoke them anyway.

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Right, Buster, let's go. Bring your club.

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-See you, Ma.

-See you, love.

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Yabba dabba doo!

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Yabba dabba DON'T!

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APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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I don't get it.

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They don't have any...

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LAUGHING: They don't have any effect on me!

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SHE CACKLES

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CACKLING

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Please, Gaston, sit down. Coffee?

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-Oui, but in a CLEAN cup.

-DOORBELL RINGS

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SINGSONG: Someone's at the door!

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So?

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SLURRED: Well, open it and let them in!

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Excusez-moi, Gaston...

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I forgot me club!

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Looks real, doesn't it?

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It's plastic.

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Mammy!

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It's Betty...

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..and Father Damien.

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SHE COUGHS

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Hello, Father. Hello, Father Damien, do sit down, do sit down.

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-Gaston is in the kitchen.

-Oh, can I meet him?

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Come on. Now, his English isn't great.

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It'll be better than my French!

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So, Mrs Brown... Mrs Curtain is on her way with Mrs Nicholson.

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That's nice.

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I'm hopeful we can have a calm discussion and resolve this...

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Yes...

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Well, what we need...

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what we need to resolve, Father...

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is the bullying.

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The bullying needs to be resolved.

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Well - well, yes, Mrs Brown - let's try resolve the animosity

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with the parents first and then we'll go from there...

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Yes... Father...I'm trying to stay very, very calm...

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My nipple's on fire!

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LAUGHTER

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-So, what are you doing in Ireland?

-I am minding my own business.

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He means he's looking after his own business...

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Kitty...les chiottes...bathroom?

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Just in there on the left.

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He doesn't seem very nice.

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Ah, he is...it just takes time to get used to him.

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AGNES YELPS AND GIBBERS

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This one! This one! This one!

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SHE GIBBERS

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-It's just in there...

-I'm fine...

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Thank you, Father. I'm just getting Father Damien a cup of tea.

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Hello?

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Who the fuck are you?

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Mammy, this is Gaston.

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Oh, Crouton!

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Lovely to meet you!

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Qui est cette femme affreuse avec les seins qui fument?

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Oh, stop it!

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He said...erm, what a pleasure to meet such a lovely lady.

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Ha-ha-ha! That's very nice of you.

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I have to say Gaston, it's a pleasure to meet you.

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We've heard a lot about you.

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She said... MIMICS BETTY: It's a pleasure to meet you.

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Mammy!

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Sorry!

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You're not as handsome as I thought you'd be.

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GASTON SCOFFS

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Cathy, he has the personality of a buckin' speed bump!

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Kitty... Cafe!

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Coffee? Of course, Gaston.

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Did he just click his buckin' fingers?

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I'll tell you what, Gaston...let's get a coffee in Foley's... Come on.

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Ooh-la! DOORBELL RINGS

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DID he just click his fingers at Cathy Brown?

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-It doesn't matter...

-It does matter, he buckin' got away with it!

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-Hilary and Mrs Curtain are here.

-Ah, not these two!

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I'll make tea. Don't you mess this up.

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Why is it always assumed that I'll mess it up?

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Why is it never her?

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They're always picking on me and I wouldn't mind, I'm a lady.

0:19:390:19:42

She's a vicious, vicious c...

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Hello, Higgley...

0:19:440:19:47

-Agnes.

-Hello.

-Hello.

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Now, ladies, let's agree to begin this discussion in

0:19:510:19:54

a congenial and respectful way.

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We should all hold hands and sing Kum Ba Yah.

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# Kum ba yah, my Lord Kum ba yah... #

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Father!

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Listen. Mrs Brown, I didn't have to come here.

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No, and I appreciate that - I do.

0:20:100:20:14

Please call me Agnes. Hmm. And you are?

0:20:140:20:17

Annette.

0:20:170:20:18

Annette.

0:20:180:20:20

LAUGHTER

0:20:200:20:22

Annette.

0:20:220:20:24

Yes.

0:20:240:20:25

Annette Curtain?

0:20:310:20:33

HOWLS OF LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:330:20:36

AGNES LAUGHS

0:20:360:20:38

Annette Curtain!

0:20:380:20:42

I can see right through you!

0:20:420:20:46

Annette Curtain! SHE LAUGHS

0:20:460:20:49

Tea?

0:20:490:20:51

Now, ladies...

0:20:510:20:53

Betty, Betty!

0:20:530:20:54

Annette Curtain!

0:20:540:20:57

No frills! Ha-ha-ha!

0:20:570:21:00

Mrs Brown, PLEASE!

0:21:000:21:04

So... Betty, what do you think the cause of this conflict is?

0:21:040:21:08

Her son's a little shit.

0:21:080:21:11

I will not stand for that! You don't even know my son!

0:21:110:21:15

No, it's you that doesn't know your son's a little bully!

0:21:150:21:18

-Oh, ladies, please!

-Stick him like a pig!

0:21:180:21:22

Mrs Brown! We'll get nowhere with this attitude.

0:21:230:21:27

-HILARY EXHALES DEEPLY

-Right.

0:21:270:21:31

AGNES EXHALES

0:21:310:21:34

AGNES MAKES FARTING NOISE

0:21:380:21:42

I have an idea - who'd like some chocolate brownies?

0:21:420:21:47

Oh, this came in the post today.

0:21:540:21:57

It says "The Owner - Wash and Blow".

0:21:580:22:01

Oh, so YOU'RE the owner, are you?

0:22:010:22:04

Fine, Bette Davis, you open it, so.

0:22:040:22:08

No, no!

0:22:080:22:09

-Fine, well, I'm not opening it.

-Fine!

0:22:090:22:13

"Please find enclosed..." It's a cheque from the insurance company.

0:22:170:22:22

Ah, Dino...you filled out the paperwork.

0:22:220:22:27

-I love you...

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww...

0:22:270:22:30

Hiya, Sharon.

0:22:320:22:33

Hiya.

0:22:330:22:35

Is that...it?

0:22:350:22:36

-That's Gaston.

-Sorry.

0:22:380:22:42

-Drinks here, servant woman!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh...

0:22:420:22:46

Gaston, let's sit down.

0:22:480:22:50

I'll come back for the drinks, Sharon.

0:22:500:22:53

Sit here.

0:22:540:22:56

Winnie, this is Gaston.

0:22:560:22:59

Lovely to meet you, pet!

0:23:030:23:05

Yes. I'm sure.

0:23:050:23:08

Here's one for ye... Who has two thumbs and likes chocolate eclairs?

0:23:080:23:14

-Me!

-SHE LAUGHS

0:23:150:23:19

Kitty...hurry, please!

0:23:210:23:24

I'm sorry, Sharon...he's French.

0:23:240:23:26

Cathy, I know lots of French men - lovely men. HE'S just a dick!

0:23:260:23:31

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:23:320:23:33

-Hiya, Cathy. Who's that?

-It's Gaston!

0:23:330:23:37

-The French fella?

-Yeah.

0:23:370:23:39

RORY HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER

0:23:400:23:44

Ooh, so sorry...

0:23:440:23:46

I don't understand it, Barbara... I didn't do any paperwork...

0:23:470:23:52

I know, I did.

0:23:520:23:55

Now maybe we can go back to doing hair.

0:23:550:23:57

Oh, thanks, Barbara... I owe you.

0:23:570:24:00

Oh, you DO - big time!

0:24:000:24:04

I know, I had onions for me lunch.

0:24:050:24:09

Anyways, I said to him,

0:24:090:24:11

"How dare you call me a slut?

0:24:110:24:14

"Now get out of my bath and take your mate with you!"

0:24:140:24:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:190:24:21

THEY GIGGLE

0:24:230:24:24

Sometimes I say things. And out the other.

0:24:240:24:28

You have to go to the back of the bus because if your ears

0:24:280:24:30

aren't pierced, you just can't sing, you know?

0:24:300:24:33

To Donegal and beyond!

0:24:330:24:36

My mother had a liver transplant

0:24:400:24:42

because the doctor didn't even have a watch!

0:24:420:24:45

MRS CURTAIN LAUGHS

0:24:450:24:47

What is wrong with you people?

0:24:470:24:49

Have a brownie, Mrs Nicholson.

0:24:490:24:51

I told you, no, I don't eat chocolate!

0:24:530:24:56

-Where's Mammy?

-I'm upstairs!

0:24:560:24:59

What are you doing up there?

0:25:010:25:03

I have no idea.

0:25:030:25:05

Looking for popcorn, I think.

0:25:070:25:10

Well, come down here right now!

0:25:100:25:12

OK, I'm coming!

0:25:120:25:14

I'm on my way...

0:25:140:25:15

Aaaaah!

0:25:150:25:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:200:25:23

I've got to go and put manners on my son.

0:25:230:25:26

Now, now, Annette. Don't be so hard on him.

0:25:260:25:29

Sure, tomorrow they'll be best friends... He's a good wee boy.

0:25:290:25:32

I love you, Betty!

0:25:320:25:34

I love you, Annette!

0:25:340:25:37

-Goodnight, Agnes.

-Ah... G-g-goodnight...

0:25:460:25:49

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:520:25:54

Goodnight, Annette Curtain! SHE SNIGGERS

0:25:540:25:58

-Great night, Mrs Brown!

-See you later, Father...

0:25:580:26:01

Just go!

0:26:010:26:03

Goodnight, Higgley! Ooh, no knickers!

0:26:030:26:06

Betty, WHAT is going on?

0:26:090:26:12

I need chocolate and lots of it!

0:26:120:26:14

Have you thought about having a personality transplant?

0:26:180:26:21

GASTON SCOFFS

0:26:210:26:23

-Mammy, please...

-Kitty...stop!

0:26:230:26:25

It's Cathy - C-A-T-H-Y - Cathy!

0:26:250:26:29

-Kitty!

-Cathy!

-Kitty!

-Cathy!

-Cathy!

-Kitty!

0:26:290:26:31

Huh?

0:26:310:26:32

Your family is a disgrace and I will not put up with it any more!

0:26:360:26:40

This woman is lower class than an olive farmer's concubine!

0:26:400:26:45

-AUDIENCE:

-Oo-oo-ooh!

0:26:450:26:48

-Is that bad?

-Yes...

0:26:480:26:50

-Argh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:500:26:54

How dare you! You, you...

0:27:000:27:03

camel's scrotum!

0:27:030:27:06

-Gaston.

-Yes, Kitty?

0:27:060:27:08

-Argh!

-AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER

0:27:080:27:12

Goodbye.

0:27:140:27:16

And arrivederci! SHE LAUGHS

0:27:160:27:18

Here, did you hear the joke about the bully?

0:27:240:27:27

No, you didn't - cos there's nothing funny about bullying.

0:27:270:27:31

Being bullied isn't nice - it doesn't matter if it's in work,

0:27:330:27:35

in school or in a relationship or in the social media.

0:27:350:27:39

It's ugly and it hurts.

0:27:400:27:41

If you even think you're being bullied, tell someone - anyone.

0:27:410:27:45

Doesn't matter - tell someone.

0:27:450:27:47

Every day's a new day

0:27:470:27:48

and you're entitled to face that day with a big smile.

0:27:480:27:52

He-he!

0:27:520:27:54

I used to look at Redser beside me when I'd wake up

0:27:540:27:57

and I'd just piss meself laughing!

0:27:570:28:00

SHE LAUGHS

0:28:000:28:02

I think did it again!

0:28:020:28:03

Make yourself a promise - from today,

0:28:070:28:11

don't let anybody take away your smile.

0:28:110:28:14

Goodnight!

0:28:140:28:15

APPLAUSE

0:28:150:28:17

# Say hello to the Queen of Dublin town

0:28:170:28:21

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

0:28:220:28:27

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

0:28:290:28:32

# A sassy old lady full of tricks

0:28:320:28:35

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

0:28:350:28:41

# She's Mrs Brown

0:28:410:28:44

That's Mrs Brown

0:28:440:28:47

# Oh, Mrs Brown. #

0:28:470:28:50

AGNUS CACKLES

0:28:510:28:53

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