Mammy's Forest Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

SHE CACKLES

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

How long have you had this headache?

20 years!

And he's not just a headache, he's a pain in the arse!

Mrs Brown, I was asking Grandad!

A bit of privacy, please?

Fine.

Look straight into the light, Grandad.

Go to the light, Grandad!

Go to the light!

Meh!

Mrs Brown!

How's it going with the homework, Bono?

Erm, yeah, it's OK.

Well, don't be afraid to ask if you need any help

Grandad... Oh!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

How's it going with the homework, Mary?

LAUGHTER

Erm, yeah, it's OK.

Well, don't be afraid to ask if you need help.

Granny, what's Einstein's theory of relativity?

Don't be afraid to ask if you need help.

Bathroom break!

Fresh tea break!

# Stuff the turkey's arse with holly

# La, la, la, la, la, la-la, la, la... #

Hello!

Well, I hope you're enjoying the Christmas season.

I am!

And it's forecast for snow this week,

so that'll bring in the Christmassy feeling!

# We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! #

There's the Bluebell Girls' Choir!

Hello, boys!

Hiya, Ma! Oh, it's freezing out.

I know, love. Want a cup of tea?

No, we just had coffee.

We're in the middle of decorating the salon

and Rory thought you might have

an old Christmas tree that you're not using?

Nope.

My trees don't make it past Christmas.

Ah, pity!

Here, Dino, show Mammy your balls!

They're huge, Mammy!

What?!

The Christmas balls you bought.

Baubles, Rory. They're called baubles.

Whatever. Show Mammy.

Aren't they lovely?!

I don't know why, but I expected them to be ginger!

May I ask where you got these?

Oh, we bought them off a street seller - cheap as chips!

Well, I'm not surprised. I think these are feckin' illegal.

Would you stop it, Mammy?! They're not drugs.

No, but they're a fire hazard, Rory.

Rory, seriously, be careful.

They're grand.

For two euro, what do you expect - gold plated?

Right, Dino, grab your balls and let's go.

Baubles!

Baubles, Rory!

Fine, baubles.

We've got to go and buy a Christmas tree, Mammy.

-Do you want me to pick you up one?

-No, thank you.

See ya!

Well, there's a lesson for you at home -

a safe Christmas is a happy Christmas.

Hmm.

No paper decorations.

I can just see Dino's balls melting in front of my eyes.

SHE CACKLES Yeah!

Hello, Mrs Brown.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Buster.

-Dermot said I had to meet him here.

-Well, he's not here.

He was here earlier on his way to meet the pet shop people.

He said he'd be back later.

That's all right, I'll just wait.

Oh, wonderful(!)

Good morning, Dr Flynn.

-Ah, good morning, Cathy.

-Morning, Grandad.

Meh.

How is he, Dr Flynn?

I'm not sure.

Good morning, love.

Hiya, Mammy. Hiya, Buster.

Hel-lo, Cathy.

I dreamt about you again last night.

BOTH: Shut up, Buster!

It's going to be a cold one out there today.

You'll definitely need your muff today!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I've a shop to do. Do you know, I don't think I'll bother.

You should do your shopping online.

They'll deliver it and you won't have to leave the house.

Online? Interesting.

Oh, before I forget, Mrs Brown,

I'm after gettin' you a fantastic Christmas tree this year...

Hold it just there, Buster.

Not this year, thank you.

You're not going to buy your tree off me this year?

No. Not off you or off anybody else.

I've decided, I'm not having a Christmas tree this year.

But we always have a Christmas tree, Mammy!

And it always buckin' attacks ME!

That's the best part of our Christmas!

Is it now?!

You need a Christmas tree, or it's not Christmas.

Buster, Christmas is about family,

not about Christmas trees or decorations - just family.

So you don't want a present then?

Of course I do, that's why you have a buckin' family!

Tea!

We should put a bulb in his mouth and light HIM up!

Anyway, Christmas is not the same with yous all grown up.

I loved Christmas morning.

God, I remember the excitement of coming down the stairs

to see if Santa left me what I asked for.

I remember I used to run downstairs

and my daddy would scoop me up and throw me in the air.

SHE LAUGHS Pity he didn't buckin' catch you.

I never got what I asked Santa for.

One year I asked him for a yo-yo.

And when I came downstairs, he'd left a piece of string.

My dad said it was a yo.

There's a picture I won't get out of me head.

Buster playing with his yo-yo.

What are you doing, Bono?

-Homework.

-Do you want some help?

He's in fifth class, Buster,

might be a bit advanced for you.

Don't mind her, Bono.

At school my teacher said I was really special.

Come on, try me.

Name some animals that are in the zoo.

Elephants.

And what do they get for lunch?

A half an hour - next.

Science.

If someone calls your name in a vacuum, would you hear it?

No - you can't hear anything with that Hoover on.

English. What is the opposite to sadness?

Happiness.

Busy?

Lazy.

Woe?

Giddy up.

Don't just look at it, drink the feckin' thing.

-So how is he?

-He's not great.

Not great? He never was average!

Mrs Brown, what if Grandad was at death's door?

I'd say, "Open them!" and push him buckin' through!

SHE CACKLES

Hiya, Mammy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

My God, there's a big pussy!

Dermot you look funny!

And so will you. Your costume's in that bag.

What's in the box?

Envelopes with flyers for Jack Rabbit pet shop.

20,000 of them in the car.

You got the contract?

-Not exactly. It's a week's trial.

-Oh!

Our envelopes have one of these in it...

Cat!

Cat.

But, he's given another company envelopes with these in it -

Dog.

Dog.

He says he'll know by the most flyers

he gets back to the shop who's doing the best job.

No bother...

Who's the other company?

Street Smart Advertising.

Oh, Dermot, they're big!

Bigger than us. So I don't know if we should bother.

Of course you will!

Your father always used to say, you go after what you want,

regardless, even if you have to beg.

Mind you, that was about sex!

Your mammy's right, Dermot.

They might be bigger but we've got smarter ideas.

You have a smart idea, Buster?

No.

Come on, Buster, let's get started.

Mammy, I'll drop in during the week

and help you put your Christmas tree up.

She's not having a tree this year.

-You're kidding.

-Hello, Betty.

Hiya, boys. Come on, Bono, let's go.

Daddy's out in the car.

You can't be serious, Mammy!

What's up?

Mammy's not having a tree.

-Of course she is.

-I'm not!

She's not. Look, she just said!

"I'm not!"

She is.

I'm not, and that's the end of it.

I don't want to hear any more about it.

Now, go on, off. Out with you, the whole lot of you.

See you, Granny.

See you, love. I love you.

I love you more.

I love you the most.

I love you to the moon and back!

These will ease the headaches but I want to get him in for a brain scan.

Good luck finding anything there!

It'll be just in and out.

That's what they all say.

Nxt thing you know you're pregnant.

Right, we'll make an appointment for him for the new year.

Now. This week.

What's the hurry?

This is really serious?

I'll make a call and get him in ASAP.

Oh, dear...

Don't you be upset.

I'm not upset, it's just, if he dies before Christmas...

I think I've ordered too big a turkey.

Agnes?

What?

You know on Christmas Day, after the dinner...?

Yes...

Did you ever have a quickie?

As opposed to what - a longy?

-Thanks, love.

-Thanks, Pet.

How's it going on the boyfriend front, Cathy?

Don't ask! SHE CACKLES

Sorry!

Sharon's the same. Will she ever lose her virginity?

Will Jacko get out for Christmas, Winnie?

The doctor said there's a really good chance.

It would be great if he got out.

Even if it was just for a quickie.

Sharon, do you mind if I announce the table quiz?

Work away, Father.

Excuse me. Excuse me, everybody!

CHATTER CONTINUES

Sharon?

QUIET!

Thank you, Sharon.

I just want to remind you all about the table quiz here tomorrow night,

in order to raise funds

for the Nativi-did-ity display at the church.

The Nativity-divity?!

LAUGHTER

Nat-tivity-diddity?!

Nativity-diddity!

One line - who thought you could fuck it up?!

OK!

Sharon, would you mind keeping an eye?

I'm just going to the toilet, love.

Oh, look, two big cats.

SHE CACKLES

Are you allergic to cats, Agnes?

Jeez, I don't know, Winnie,

I've never eaten one.

They're cocky.

Here, give us the keys to the van.

I left me phone in there.

DOG GROWLS

Baaaa!

-Gunther.

-Dermot.

This contract's too big for you.

Why don't you leave it to the BIG dogs?

RUFF!

Rory Brown?

Over here, Barbara!

Wash & Blow - it's on fire!

-Aagh!

-Go! Go! Go! Go!

No. We were very lucky.

Nobody was hurt and the insurance will cover the damage.

A few days, we'll be back in business.

So, you want to look like this?

TOILET FLUSHES

Cathy, your no-no is in the downstairs toilet!

Hello! Welcome to Chez Agnes. SHE LAUGHS

Can I just say that the downstairs toilet is for number ones only?

Take your number twos home with you, all right?

Is everybody all right?

-Yes!

-Perfect!

Hm. Lovely! Don't forget to tip your stylist.

She's awful!

But seriously, don't forget.

So, Winnie, where were we?

A tropical hideaway.

That's a place nobody can find and it rains all day.

Hmm, you're right.

Well, what about this - historic accommodation?

No bath and the toilet's out in the yard.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

Thanks, Cathy!

Andalucia - what about a skiing holiday?

Would you feck off, Winnie!

Why would I pay money for that when I can stick me head

in the fridge and throw meself on the ground?

It'd be nice, though. You know,

sitting by the fire with the snow outside.

It's forecast for snow here next week,

you don't have to go to your Auntie Lucia!

AUDIENCE WOLF-WHISTLES

Hello, Father Damien.

Cup of tea?

No, thanks, Mrs Brown. I'm just here to pick up Trevor.

Cathy, tell Trevor, will you,

that Father Cock... Father Damien is here.

So, where are you off to?

The cinema.

Very nice.

Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

Hello, Father.

Checking out the holiday brochures?

Yeah, we do this at this time every year, don't we, Agnes?

Yes, we do.

You should take a trip to Lourdes - the place of miracles.

Is... Is that where you were circumcised?

Is it free accommodation and free flights?

-No.

-Yeah, then there's no buckin' miracle!

-Hey!

-Hiya!

Are you all right?

Uh, yeah. We're going to the cinema?

Yeah?

Oh, this! I'm just back from a tennis game.

I'll stop at the house and change on the way.

Oh, thank God! I thought nobody was going to say anything.

About what?

What are you doing, Agnes?

I'm shopping online.

Oh.

Winnie, get me purse off the counter, will you?

LAUGHING: There it is!

Ah, who's that for?

Never you mind!

Now, delivery address...

Take out me credit card. Expiry date?

What's the expiry date on the card?

08-19.

What's the name on the card?

V-I-S-A.

I'm just saying, Father,

I think Joseph was very kind.

I could just imagine what my Jacko would have said

if I came home and said I was pregnant

but it wasn't you, it was the Holy Ghost.

He'd probably say, "Well, there's one job off me list!"

Job off me...!

Yeah...

Well, I tell you now, Father, if I was the Virgin Mary

and the Holy Ghost appeared to me,

I'd have said, "Listen here, Casper...

"I don't care who your father is. Put that away. No, thank you."

Right, Damien, let's hit the bar.

Another round, Agnes, love?

No, Winnie. I'll go home.

Ah, Agnes, what about the quiz?

I'm not in the humour.

I'll have to do it on me own, so.

Yeah, well, I'll ring Mensa and tell 'em to expect a new member.

-LAUGHING:

-Mensa!

You wouldn't get me in a spaceship!

CHILDREN CHATTER AND LAUGH

Nothing nicer than hearing children playing in the snow.

It's cold, but.

I hate the cold.

I like the snow but I hate the feckin' cold.

SHE CHUCKLES: Ah, look at them.

Hello!

Oh!

Go on, you little devil!

You bastards!

CLANK

You know, I've been saying all week,

there seems to be something missing this Christmas.

And, no, it's not the Christmas tree.

I mightn't have a Christmas tree but at least I know I'm safe.

SHE CACKLES

No.

Spirit - that's what's missing, the Christmas spirit. Yes.

Yeah...

I should have had a Christmas tree.

Well? What did you think of your surprise?

What surprise?

Ah, Agnes, you didn't even read the card!

Who's this from?

"You said it's not Christmas without a family

"and I say it's not Christmas without a Christmas tree,

"so here's the best of both worlds -

"a family of Christmas trees."

-"Merry Christmas from Buster."

-Yeah.

What's that feckin' eejit talking about?

In the sitting room, Agnes!

It's-it's magical, it's...

It's just magical!

Oh, look!

Agnes, look at the size of this little one.

Look at the size of this big one!

Oh...

Oh, no!

Winnie, don't push the feckin'...

Agh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Well, well, well.

What?

That's the first time I've heard you laughing this Christmas.

I can laugh if I want to.

Oh, yes, you can.

But I haven't heard you laugh

since Dr Flynn's visit.

Is it these tests that Dr Flynn is doing?

For God's sake, Grandad, they're only tests.

Come on, get that puss off you and take it like a man.

That's the thing -

"Take it like a man."

I'm scared.

Well, of course you're scared.

You can't have courage unless you're afraid.

And you have courage.

I've seen it down the years.

Remember when we were at the beach?

Cathy was only a young one

and she went into the sea and she's swimming

and she got caught in the current.

Who was it that dived in, even though you're afraid of the sea

and fought against the currents to bring her out safe?

Me.

Yes, you.

And when the burglars broke into the house,

and I heard them downstairs and I called out, what did you do?

I locked me bedroom door.

That's right, you chicken bastard!

Look, Grandad,

the only thing that conquers fear is courage,

and the foundation of that courage is love,

and for the life of me, I don't know why,

but in this house you are loved.

Now, come on, go and get the test done

and then come back to those who love you.

I'll make sure they're both here.

Bastard.

Bitch!

That's better.

I thought you were doing the quiz in Foley's.

I wasn't in the humour.

SHE CHUCKLES

I tell you what, I'll go if you go.

All right!

Come on, let's go. SHE CACKLES

Oh, now mind yourself here. It's like Nottingham Forest here.

Whoa! Whoa! This could be a buckin' long episode.

And the answer to question five -

the town that Jesus of Nazareth came from was...Nazareth!

I know, I should have got that one.

Right, let's look at the scoreboard.

Well, going into the last round,

it's a tie for first place between the Masterminds and...

The Free Finglas Army!

Here we go with the final round...

DRAMATIC QUIZ SHOW MUSIC

Question One - what was Hitler's first name?

Heil. Heil Hitler.

Dermot, come back here with me, I want to show you something.

Mr Foley, I'm in the quiz!

It's important, son.

-Next question...

-Go, you're useless anyway.

..what is the capital of Peru?

What was the question?

The capital of Peru?

-Lima!

-Bang on!

Write it down.

Question three - who invented the thermometer?

I have it - Fahrenheit.

Would that be Fahrenheit?

Don't be so feckin' stupid!

No, the thermometer -

Freddie Mercury.

I saw Buster putting those in the skip

out the back earlier today - ten boxes of them.

He was supposed to deliver these.

We're done, we'll lose!

I'm sorry, Dermot.

Answers later, but the winners are...

-the Masterminds!

-THEY CHEER

Feck sake, Grandad!

Capital of Peru - Calcutta!

That's in feckin' Wales!

Drink, Dermo?

Sure.

After you explain how these ended up in Foley's skip.

Ah, erm...

Forget it, Buster, it's too late.

Hello, Mr Rabbit.

Well, Dermot...

..congratulations!

You get the contract.

For a full year and we'll review it then.

Eh, yeah, great!

But what about...?

Useless!

They didn't drum up one bit of business.

Lousy, flea-bitten wasters!

Dog!

But that's their flyer.

You broke into their van and switched the boxes!

So THEY delivered OUR flyers!

Meow.

Winnie, you were useless,

you didn't answer one feckin' question!

I didn't want to interrupt you.

If Cathy slags us, I'll give her a piece of my mind.

Can you spare it?

Sharon, same again.

Hard luck, Mrs Brown.

Yeah.

Did you get the surprise I left you?

Oh, yes, I did - right between the buckin' shoulder blades.

Still, it was very kind of you.

Eh, not really - you owe me 140 euro.

I thought so, I'll pay you tomorrow.

Oh, here - here's something I seen on the interweb. Here.

Come on, everybody -

let's get this Christmas party started, for Grandad!

CHEERING

It just might be his last!

Sharon, is the karaoke working?

Yes.

Come on, girls, let's do this!

THEY GIGGLE

What did me ma get you?

Ah, she could have got you something better than that.

No, she couldn't, Dermot.

No, she couldn't.

MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

From all of us to all of you - a very merry Christmas!

It's Christmaaaas! SHE CACKLES